Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Winter Bush (w/ Ophira Eisenberg and Kurt Braunohler)

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes Ophira Eisenberg (Ask Me Another, Queer As Folk) and Kurt Braunohler (The Big Sick, Barbarian) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Ophira tells us how her date's bed was covered with the worst kind of sex toy, and Kurt begs a girl to believe he is not a dummy. Plus, Jameela reads two listener letters about how loose birds mean mucho turds, and the wrong question to axe a lady. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Kurt Braunohler’s new standup special Perfectly Stupid is available on YouTube, and he co-hosts the podcast Bananas. Ophira Eisenberg’s new comedy special Plant-Based Jokes is streaming on YouTube, and she is the host of the podcast Parenting is a Joke.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, Prime Members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. Are we, what, we're making fun of LA because I have a heater on? I'm in LA. No, we're making fun of you. No, LA. It's fine. It's a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very What is 40 degrees in Fahrenheit? I refuse to learn Fahrenheit. Oh, fair. I like this. I grew up on Celsius and I will stick with it

because it's a system that makes sense. I'm not going to learn like whatever the temperature of the king's forehead or whatever Fahrenheit is based on. I'm bi. I use bi. So it's fine. We're fine. We're fine.

I also measure my height in hands. Good. The king's hand is, it's fine. We're fine, we're fine. I also measure my height and hands, so... Yeah, good. The king's hand is the king's hand. I can't do that, cos mine is so disproportionately large. And a hand that can dwarf any cock is what I've always been told. Please, everyone, meet up, Hannah. First up, we have the wonderful Kurt Brunnerler. Hello, welcome. Hello, thank you for having me. Kurt, for anyone who isn't familiar as a comedian and actor and a writer with credits on the big stick, Bob's Burgers amongst many others, but most notably, my opinion, the good place. Oh, thank you. Also, you know why I would have a special interest in that. Final scene. I was in the absolute final scene of the entire show. I know, wild, wild, wild, wild.

It was a really crazy time to be brought in. It's such a, it's so crazy to be thrown in in the sort of singular, most like important and emotional moment of a TV show like that. Hello, Afeira Eisenberg. Hello. Welcome, welcome to the show. So Afeira is a stand-up comedian and a host of parenting as a joke podcast, and she also hosted MPRs, asked me another.

She is perhaps the perfect person to have on this podcast, because she wrote the books, through everyone, sleeping my way to monogamy, which is my favorite title of a book I've had in years. Thank you. So, thank you for being here. I'm very excited for your expertise. Slazer. Earlier on before this chat, we were talking about the fact that you live in years. Thank you. So thank you for being here. I'm very excited for your expertise.

Slazer. Earlier on before this chat we were talking about the fact that you live in New York. Yes. Yeah. So there's ever anywhere that you're going to sleep your way to Monalgamy. It's true. It's there. It's the sport fucking capital of the world. So when I moved here, there was this theory like based on statistics that there were this theory based on statistics that there were five women for every one guy. Just based on the numbers, it was the idea that, hey, guys have their pick if we're talking about a heteronormative situation. If you are a single woman that wants a guy, just be ready for the fact that they can just move from one to the next

because it's an endless supply. And you know, yeah. So is that did that, but did that bear, was that true? Was it, is it actually one to five? That seems like insane. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, cut. You dated in New York for years. So you did feel that way.

It did feel that way. I will say it did, but I also had a very strange experience with being single because I'm a monogamous at heart. I've gone from, I've had like four main relationships, including my wife who I'm married to for the past 10 years. And but I had had a relationship from age 18 to 31 that was a 13 year relationship. Wow.

And in order I one day asked her if we should get married. And she said, I think we should sleep with other people before we get married. And I was like, all into that. I was like, yes, I agree with that. And so then we did this insane thing for one month. She's like, I would like to continue this for another month and I'm like, sounds good, because I was having a great time.

And then after the second month, she was like, OK and I'm like, sounds good because I was having a great time. And then after the second month, she was like, okay, I'm done. And I was like, I'm going to Australia. And then I went to Australia for a month and then met someone there and then came back and I was like, I've met someone I think we should break up. So this is the trajectory of many of my friends who have entered open relationships. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Now, except we did it with very formal rules. I love your communication rules. I love that. So, Farah, what was it like being one of the women who is like five to one man? So, I heard this and I got to say I was so mad at it, I decided to really, emotionally, mentally and physically rebel. And I was like, you know what? I don't wanna really ship with any of these dudes.

I don't care who they are. I don't care what they're about. I don't even wanna know their last name. You know what? Maybe I don't even wanna know their first name. I don't care. I'm gonna go out there and just fuck who I feel like being with, gonna have a good time.

And I'm not gonna care because I will not play by these rules. Nice. That's what I did. Amazing. Until I could not do it anymore. But I will tell you so as I, So why, could you not do it anymore?

Was it sort of like, vaginally, or was it just sort of like, you were catching feelings? Yeah, vaginally, I was like, ow, no, vaginally, vaginally, vaginally kept going great. No, I think I just got to, after a few years of it, you know, actually I just kind of figured out what I'm looking for, because I didn't know the only thing I knew was if they like

me, and frankly, if they like me, man or woman, we'd figure it out. I remember not so long ago, someone I know said to me, a man said, God, I wish I would have known you in your sludder years. And how did you feel about that? I said, you did. No, my God. Ah! Oh my God! I was like, not everyone made the cut, I mean, Jesus. Ah! You know what it's like so, it's just like, yeah, that's also that's so presumptuous. Right? Just because you were enjoying the fruits of New York City

does not mean that you don't have fucking standards. It does mean that you don't know how to say goodbye potentially. Uh, goodbye and thank you. Bad dates. Okay, so I have to hear about your bad dates. Okay, so we're just going to jump straight in. A fear at your story is called Hate Mondays. I have no idea what's coming.

Okay. Well, so this I do stand up and I was doing a stand up show out of town, New York, called the road. And when you first do those shows as many people will probably know, they're not good shows. You're doing 20 minutes to people in a situation, and they don't want you to be there, and you have no, you're not good at it either. And there was another guy on the show who was flirting with me, and I didn't know him, and I thought, oh, this is interesting.

I purposely did not date comics, honestly, because I thought we don't need those two psychological situations put together. And I purposely did not date comics honestly, because I thought we don't need those two psychological situations put together. Now, it's a lot of damage in one bed. And I think, yeah, I never did for that exact reason. Yeah, I didn't want to, like, post sex be like, who books this show?

Like I didn't want that conversation. So we both were living in New York-ish and we, he said, I took the bus out. I didn't even have a car. So I'd taken this bus out to this gig. He said, do you want to ride back? I was like, fantastic. Oh my God, you live in New York and you have a car? I was already impressed. So we went. I picked a bar and we sat at this bar and had a couple of drinks. And now I will tell you this little thing about New York, New York dating. So the other thing that I was told by women, which was a grooming thing, because I moved to New York from Canada.

And we just had different styles going on, but it was very... Okay, so you don't mean like a sex trafficking group? No, no, no. It's okay, sorry. Oh, sorry, grooming. I was told that. I'm extremely paranoid. I'm a client.

I'm a glisteninger. It's like, it's danger, danger, danger. No, the trend at the time for women and bobby hair, and still is, but it was really big then was to get a Brazilian Right right bikini wax and I'd never done that before it never had come up and they're like oh, yeah That's what all that's what's expect like that's what the guy's like and so I had gone with a friend to us lawn And I had gotten a Brazilian bikini wax the day before which was very expensive by by the way. And then I was like, oh my god, I have this. You know what, though, it should be, shouldn't it?

Because someone's having to like, wax your ass off. It's terrible job. I so I get it, I get it, but it'll so like, that's quite a job. Go on, though. Because I'm going to have to work on your starfish. You know what I mean? Like that's... Yeah, right.

That's intense. Also, what was the difference? What was Canadian culture at that time just to make belief? It was a, I'll call it winter bush. I'm going to call it winter bush. Winter bush. And people, everybody was cool with winter bush. I found, I never had a complaint.

Sugarloaf. I'll just say that. Yeah, yeah. So, so, so? No, I've never done that. I've never done that. I've always felt like... I hear that that is big in the game. I have never done it, because I'm very funny about my bum hole. But also, what am I going to?

A UV. I'm very funny about that. I need to glow in the... Although, I need to glow in the top. I did have a wax or, once say, the following phrase. For an extra $5, do you want me to bleach your hoop and I was like oh? No, you know what still not the worst one I've heard the worst one I've heard I think was coined by Russell brand which is your leathery bagel

Haven't eaten a bagel Exactly, I am going to the bagel shop.. I am. It's pretty good. Not going to the bagel shop. Okay. Okay. So, at the Brazilian. So, I have the Brazilian. And I got to say, like, I really, I was in the mode of like, gotta get my money's worth

on this. You know, there's a small window for this to be a fresh bikini wax. I'm half Israeli. The hair grows quick. So I was also, so I was like, someone should see this. It's not for me. For someone else to enjoy. And it's illegal to just get it out isn't it?

In the street. Yeah, exactly. Make it a range. Yeah. So we are out of our, we're drinking and we're talking, you know, I was like, are we going anywhere with this? You know, maybe the hair is growing in so we should finalize what we're doing. It's just the timer. You can feel the hair is growing in so we should finalize what we're doing. It's just the timer.

You could feel the hair growing. Tick, tick, tick towards midnight. Tingle your cinderlick. Yeah, your cinderlick. We're getting some shadow. Well, midnight, the first pube pops out. It just turns into a pumpkin abuse. It just completely sprouts.

Plunk. Yeah, immediately a midnight. Back to winter bush. And so then he said, he did go like, do you want to come back to my place? But in Queens. So we, we, um, we drove to his bachelor pad. He lived in the basement of a Greek family's home, which was very of that neighborhood. And I remember we were going down the stairs. He had that carpet on his stairs that you put on outdoor stairs. You know that kind of straw carpet, that's weird.

And- Speaking of Peabick, yeah. I have very strong, and then there was no, you know, bachelor pad like no decor. The only thing was a framed picture of a sports car. No, no, no. Like a Formula One of a sports car? No, no, no. Like a Formula One or whatever sports car?

That's the only thing. Yes. So you failed to mention that he was 14. I think it's important. That is the only thing I had on my wall when I was 14. It was an ever-earning coat of dogs. Right.

And then we start making out and we are heading towards his bedroom. Now, I have an extra situation here because I have a huge scar on my stomach from recovering from a car accident from when I was a kid. And the whole time I've, when I became into, you know, having sex, it was always a thing,

especially with casual sex, where it's like, I'm gonna take off my top. Should I have to explain the scar? And so I used to like, I had a little bottled speech that I would just give, okay? Or I'd be like, hey, I hear about to be see a big scar at my stomach, it's from a car accident, and when I was eight years old,

I could talk to you about all you want, but just so you know, it doesn't hurt, what do you touch it, and also doesn't feel particularly good. So don't feel need to like, wrap your penis on it or anything like that about all you want, but just so you know, it doesn't hurt. What do you touch it? And also doesn't feel particularly good. So don't feel need to like, from your penis on it or anything like that. And you know, and like, just a landing spray. I love it.

I love that there had been like that. That was a required speech. But it was either we're not gonna touch it or we're gonna try and fuck it. But then before I even can finish that thought, he's about to open the door to his bedroom and he says to me, would you like to see something special? Oh no. Right.

So surprised. It's another car poster. It's my favorite car poster. Yeah. Right. What do you do? But of course, I feel like, you know, my girlfriend's said, you know, you should have left or whatever if they were post that question. Oh, the surprise could be chocolate like, well, he has an iguana. Yeah. Exactly. He reveals his room, which is filled with a collection of

Garfields. He had like two hundred or so Garfields. They were everywhere. Get out of there. Get out of there. Wait, no, why? I don't understand. There were big ones, there were stuffed ones,

there were little, those little kind of plastic ones that look like trophies with thing like plaques on the bottom and different poses like golfing Garfield and like French Garfield with a beret, you know and There was a huge oh my god, did they have Indian Garfield? It was like a little bendy on Look at Jews from with the little kids. I'm like a little bendy on. No? I'm like a Jewers from the little kids. I'm like, I'm so amazing. Again, I'm into that. I'm into that.

I should have had more lactating. Maybe I should have gone to New York or all the freak. It's amazing. It was surprising. I said to him, so what was your reaction? How did you feel? Well, first I was sort of like, you know, sort of joking. Like, oh, if this goes well, do I get one?

Like a prize? You love a person, that's what he's telling you. Yeah, yeah. I love orange, pussy. Yeah, exactly. Well, you could say flesh colored is orange. No, I actually, I was, I said, why? I believe I just said a blanket sort of why.

And then he said, oh, I've just been collecting them since college. So I told him to take, there was a huge one like life size on his bed. Was that way you drew the line and I'll still remove it from that. And then he's like, now I want Garfield to hug you while I fuck you. I know exactly. And so you like was going to be a teenager. I didn't even know that I was going to be a teenager. I didn't even know that I was going to be a teenager. I didn't even know that I was going to be a teenager. I didn't even know that I was going to be a teenager. I didn't even know that I was going to be a teenager.

I didn't even know that I was going to be a teenager. I didn't even know that I was going to be a teenager. I didn't even know that I was going to be a teenager. I didn't even know that I was going to be a teenager. I didn't even know that I was going to be a teenager. I didn't even know that I was going to be a teenager. I didn't even know that I was going to be a teenager. I didn fine. That was like me trying to be exerting some control. Standards.

So then we got on dress and in this shrine to Jim Davis, that's the right, Jim Davis. Yeah, that's Jim Davis. So then he got on dress and it turns out the only thing bigger than his Garfield collection was his penis. It was the biggest thing I've ever seen. Terrifying.

Horrifying. Right? Yes. Horrifying. Yeah, I didn't know why. Yeah, he was like, it's named Odie. A penis that could give my hand to run for its money. Absolutely, I know no.

It was like just for all the viewers. It was like two of her hands, okay? Which is like, I don't even know what I'm saying right now. That is what I'm saying. About five foot six. Yeah, that's Ariana Grande. But, you know, the worst sex I've ever had, the worst sex I've ever had. Like clearly, I mean, for sure.

You know what, sorry, but you wanted an audience for your newly completely waxed purse. And you had 201 viewers of that. That was a stage for your Brazilian. It's true. So, it's not just one person saw it. Like, him and his chorus of cats were able to witness, you know, your hairless wonder. All the Garfields were like, hates Mondays. Love this pussy. Oh yeah, that pussy looks like

lasagna. Where are you about to? Were you about to say that he said his dick was named Odie? Yeah. Yeah, did he say that? It was a joke. Yeah, he did say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny. That's very funny, because Odie looks like a big dick. And Odie looks like a big dick with balls.

Odie's head, or, and I mean, doesn't matter, which way you put Odie, he's like balls and either, and would work. Yeah. Yeah. That's so funny. Oh my God. I mean, other than the bad sex,

there's a lot of keeper material in there. And his style of having sex, by the way, was the, and I had never had this before, which was, you know, I shut leaning, he was on top of me, just like, just going like Jackrabbit, like just super fast. Oh, you can't do that with that kind of machinery. I know, that's crazy. No, you have to move in like slow-mo

like Tom Cruise running in slow motion style like that is That is I need admission passable. I needed admission passable and then I don't know he dismounted but no he was thankfully he He came quickly. And then he did say, do you want me to go down

on you or something? And I was just like, no. Oh, no! Oh my God. And then you had to get back from fucking queen. But I know! Oh no, with a broken hairless vagina. Oh!

Dude, you guys like just shake hands and you left right after? Yeah. Someone I've dated, you know, he was because he was list for gin. Do you guys like just shake hands and you left right after? Yeah. Someone I've dated, you know, he was because he was famous, he made the mistake of shagging a fan and she did not blink the whole time. She was recording it. She was an MRI scan of like every collicle on his head, like it was crazy.

I did not blink. of like every collicle on his head, like it was crazy. It did not look like a dry eye at the end of the show. LAUGHTER So there's a happy medium there, but anyway, we will be back with more dates right after this. Bad dates! Life is short, and it's full of a lot of interesting questions. What does happiness really mean?

How do I get the most out of my time here on Earth? And what really is the best cereal? These are the questions I seek to resolve on my weekly podcast, Life is Short with Just and Long. If you're looking for the answer to deep philosophical questions, like, what is the meaning of life? I can't really help you. But I do believe that we really enrich our experience here by learning from others.

And that's why in each episode, I like to talk with actors, musicians, artists, scientists, and many more types of people about how they get the most out of life. We explore how they felt during the highs and sometimes more importantly, the lows of their careers. We discuss how they've been able to stay happy during some of the harder times,

but if I'm being honest, it's mostly just fun chats between friends about the important stuff. Like, if you had a sandwich named after you, what would be on it? Follow life is short wherever you get your podcasts. You can also listen to ad free on the Amazon Music or Wondering app. or wonder, yeah. KERRY CURT, your date is titled The Dummy.

I have no idea what has happened. I haven't told anything. So this is breaking news. There's a large preamble prior to the date because there's a lot of stuff you need to understand. So I, my very first gig and show business when I was like 23 or something like that, was a prank show for country music television called prankville,

and I was a person who prank people, and I'm not proud of it now, but I was a person who pranked people. And I'm not proud of it now. But I was young and naive and very excited to be on TV. And one of the pranks that I had to do was, I had to go out on date. So women would set their friends up on a blind date. And then those women would show up to the blind date, and it would be me on the blind date with them.

And then like two minutes into the date, I would say I want you to meet my best friend, and then I would pull out a ventriloquist dummy out of a suitcase that looked and was dressed exactly like me, and then I would only talk to the women through the ventriloquist dummy the whole night until Until they essentially laughed. You know, like that was the point of it was to get them to like be upset and leave.

Because that's how pranks work. So and I have a little. See, I am already turned on by this idea. So like I would have been terrible on the show. I mean, it's exactly my vibe. Are you a good Ventriloquist? Could you? No, I don't ventriloquist.

I don't ventriloquist. I can't even know. I can't even know what the proper verb of it is. I don't ventriloquism at all. So it would just be me moving my mouth while the puppet moved its mouth, right? And you know, it's a prankster. So there's hidden cameras everywhere. And I have like a little earwig in my ear so that the producers can talk to me

and but she can't see it or know about it. And I pull, so we do it to one woman and it goes fine, you know, they get some good reactions or whatever they want. And then the next woman comes in and I pull it out and immediately her eyes just get like really big. And I can tell like she's like deeply terrified. And she just is like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like I don't like dummies.

I don't like those. Please put it away. And then the producer or mayor is like, oh yeah. Oh no. And she's like, do not put it away. And so then I have to just like keep talking to this woman. And I'm starting to feel like terrible about this. She's obviously very scared.

And the dummy is just being like, why don't we lose the big guy and go back to his place? I had all these scripted lines I was supposed to say. And so. You're the person to make the dummy pick up a knife and sort of job at it. I'll be telling you so. Yeah, because I wanted to scare her even further. Yeah, she was already in a place of pureba. I'll be telling you so. Yeah, because I wanted to scare her even further.

Yeah, she was already in a place of pure terror. I wanted to actually have her scared for her life. So, but she was hanging around, which is already amazing to me. She's, this is like, it's a very quick date. So, she says to me, like, please, will you please talk to me? I don't want to talk to the dummy, please talk to me. And then in my ear, the producer's like, do not talk to her. And then in my ear, the producers like do not talk to her.

And so I just keep doing the thing that I'm supposed to be doing, then I'm paid to be doing, it's like talking to her through the dummy. And so eventually she just, she's just like, I can't, I can't, she's just like having a panic attack. She like pushes away from the table

and gets up and just starts like walk leaving. And then the producers like go after her, you have to like get her to, we have to get her sign a release still. Like to tell her it's a prank show. So then I start to follow her and then she looks and sees me like coming after her and then she starts to run. And then I'm like chasing this woman and I like we exit the restaurant. She starts to run down the fucking street. And so I like, I'm like, I realize I can't,

I'm not, so I like run like a quarter block and then I'm like, what am I doing? So I'm just yelling. So I'm not physically coming close to her, you know, going like, it's a prank show. Your friend set you up, this is a prank show. Yeah, women's timeline being screamed at in the dark. And I thought, that's definitely fun.

I need a release. I think I can feel it. I like that would be good. I need a release. I think a guy yelling at that would be good. I need a release. Ah! Come back and give us our release. I never even thought about that trick. That is such a funny joke.

And so then she turns around and she just screams, I don't believe you. Like she just doesn't believe me. And I'm like, I swear to God, your friend is back here. She's here. And I said her friend's name. I was like, and I was like, guys, send her friend out. And so I'm holding my ear saying, guys, send her friend out. She's really scared. Send her friend out. And, but we've run out of the restaurant. So I am beyond like the reception for my mic. So no one inside can hear me. So from her, oh no.

So you're gonna have to try and cokes her back. So yeah, so from her perspective, I'm just like a guy on the street, like whose, a, goes around with the dummy and then is just talking to the air going, send her friend out, guys, send her friend out guys send her friend out Like a car is gonna pull up with her like friend in the trunk or something and And then finally I'm like just stay there and I run inside I get the producers

I bring the producers out and like they show their friend is there she sees it She's still scared even after she sees the cameras that her friend is there her friend tells her that she set her up All this stuff she then has to, she's so upset, she needs to sit and watch me do it to another woman and use all the same lines until she knows it's like fully scripted. So that is the, just the beginning, okay? Wow.

And here's the shit. Yeah, where is she now? Oh my God. Fast forward like six years, and I'm at a party, and I was like, where is everybody smoking weed? I was like wandering around, and then I was like,

there was just a room that was closed, and so I was like, is there everybody smoking weed in here, and I open the door, and as I open the door, she's in that room with a group of people, and she has just taken like a big hit off of a pipe and I open the door and she sees me and I shit you not.

She just went, it's him to her friend and her friend knew who she was talking about. And I was like, and I immediately was like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I apologize over and over and over again for it. Did you recognize her immediately? I mean, immediately? Yes, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I apologize over and over and over again for it. Did you recognize her immediately? Yes, I totally immediately recognized her. Because also, I remember on the date, feeling specifically bad because I found her, I was like, oh, we would get along in real life,

meaning she seemed cool and I found her attractive, right? Right, right, right. And like, she was a little punky and I was, and so then we start talking that night and we end up getting along and then I ask her out on a real date and she says yes. And so then we go on the most surreal date. Please tell me you brought your puppet.

I know. I know. I no longer had it. It would have been because that is the thing. It's the ultimate cool back. It's the ultimate. If I had done it or just even had like a, like a, like a, a sock puppet, yeah, a sock puppet would have been great.

And so it just felt like she expected me to prank her the whole time. And so she was suspicious of me the whole time. And I just kept trying to make jokes like this is, I'm not kidding. I'm a nice guy. This was just like a thing. It was a show that I did for money. And eventually midway through the day, I was like, should we just not, should we stop this? And she's like, okay.

And so then we just like, we didn't even hug. Why don't we think we shook hands? We literally were like, and good day, sir. And like just walked in our separate directions. And I've never heard or spoke to her again. Oh my God. Okay, wait, I have so many questions. So first of all, why was she so afraid of dummies?

I don't know, I think it's one of those things. It's like clowns. How did you never find that out. What's wrong with you? Do you know that one day you would be telling this story on my book cause, were you not a tall kid? Were you not a tall kid?

Are you? I know, it is, it's really, it is a fault of my own personal, for shortcomings. I just like, I personally am am completely attracted to the ridiculous. That is my exact like mind as well. Yeah, yeah. I definitely like that is where all my attraction to people come from.

So if you look at all the people I've dated, none of them look anything alike. You can't pin down any type of mind. I do have a proclivity towards short, a curvaceous Italian men, but that's because I think I played so much Super Mario when I was younger. So I think it created like a king, but others like, there's no definitive type

that I have other than they're all funny. Except all of them have an unattached jaw that just kind of jiggle back and forth when they talk. That's the only thing that unifies all of them. Affaira, do you have any questions for Kyle? Well, I guess I do wonder, first of all, I'm giving you credit on your second date. Let's call it your second date, whatever that thing was, that you had to wear with all to call it.

Like I do appreciate that you as a guy felt some vibe in mood in the room and you were like, do you want to end this? And she was like, yeah, let's just turn it off. And then you both were like, end curtains and you were out of there. But I also, I found that so revolutionary. I heard about it. I was like, fuck an L, we can tap out of almost anything that you're not allowed to tap out of a date.

We can start a movement right here right now, guys. Yeah. Yeah, it's like every date needs a safe word or something like that, like safe word, just for it. Or a little bell, I was thinking. Ah! Yes! Yes, a date bell, ding!

All right, well, did our best, everybody. Yeah, I just think that would be so amazing, that would be so amazing. That is also like when you're saying like, oh well, this is such a great to just call the date, like wow, what a revolutionary idea. There was no way that this date was going to end in sex. It was like, I had trapped a deer in an elementary school

on slippery floors. Like that was her whole vibe of being like very unsure and not really wanting to be there. So, it was almost just like, I was like, oh, I'm not keeping you hostage. And it was just like, okay, great, it's over. You're like, you're like, you're saving someone's misery. You're like, you miserable, I will let you go.

You're euthanizing, it's euthanizing. Yeah, right, euthanizing of the date. Yeah, you're killing the deer. You killed the deer. Yeah, exactly. Instead of just opening the date. Yeah, you killed the deer. You killed the deer. Yeah, exactly. Instead of just opening the door. I was once on a date with someone, and he, I can't say his name,

because he's in the public eye, but he asked me out, and I said, no. And he was like, are you even attracted to me? And I said, no. And then he called me a cab in literally five seconds. It was literally like, say no to me, Kurt, and I'll... No. And then he called me a cab in literally five seconds. It was literally like, say no to me, Kurt, and I'll, uh, no. Hello, hello, yeah.

Addison Lee, that's a cab company. Literally that fast. He had them on speed dial, and they were outside in two minutes. And I, you know what, hello, seriously, because I thought that was so funny, I then became attracted to him, but didn't say anything, so I was like, I'll be just to please it.

I was like, I immediately was drawn to him. As soon as he did something so funny, I then became attracted to him, but didn't say anything, so I was like, I'll be just to please it. But like, I immediately was drawn to him, as soon as he did something so funny, as to throw me out of his house within two seconds of saying I wasn't attracted to him. I was like, the fact that he wasn't gonna play some bullshit long game with me, and I was like, that's okay, we can just be friends where he then still tries

to fuck me for the next six months. I was like, oh my god, funny, straightforward, rude. I'm in. That's a big ass. I'm fucked up. I'm fucked up. I was like, oh my God, funny, straightforward, rude. I'm in. I'm fucked up. I need more therapy. But we will have more bad dates right after this. Hello listeners, Jameela here. I wanted to let you know about a new show from Smartness Media and Wondery called Just Jack and Will. It is the ultimate Will and Grace rewatch podcast. Sean Hayes and Eric McCormack, who starred as Will and Jack, will be watching the whole series from the beginning, and it turns out that while Eric has seen the show

many, many times, Sean has somehow never watched his own sitcom. So they're going to be looking at it with fresh eyes, bringing on their fellow cast members and fabulous guest stars, the writers and the director of the show, and all the people behind the scenes who helped Will and Grace win an astounding 18 Emmy Awards. Sean and Eric have hilarious chemistry and if you've listened to Smartness or Sean's appearance with Conan on our very first episode of Bad Dates, then you will know just how silly and irreverent they can get and you will not want to miss it. Just Jack and Will is available anywhere you get get your podcast, episodes are available one week early

and add free on Wondery Plus. Follow and subscribe to it now. of asking the internet for some bad date stories. And boy did they deliver, I only put this up for like one hour to see what would come in. And it was pretty like, staggering as to what's out there. Like, I think one of the things that I want to achieve with this podcast is that I want to make single people feel less alone out there in the wild.

And I want to make people who aren't single feel deeply relieved and grateful. Yes. Who they have. Or inspired to leave and get out there on this wild, you know, into the Wild Wild West. But some of the stories I got are as follows. We'll start with Tanner, who said, on my worst date,

we went to a play with that knowing it was all about suicide, and we had both recently lost friends. We were both super sad and oversharing afterward and then went to sit in her car to talk and process. And then she throws me two curveballs. Number one, she starts streaming an episode of family guy on her phone. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And two, the interior of her car is covered in budget because she really loved her pet bird and she would just let him fly around her car,

uncaged and was apparently just poop blind. An absolute roller coaster from tragedy to awkwardness to sheer disgust. Oh! That's amazing. By the way, I, you know, again, putting a bird inside of a car for freedom does not sound like freedom. It sounds rude. Honestly, it sounds rude.

This is what you could be doing by yourself. But check it out, you can't sit on the chair. Look through the window after three birds. As we strive by. At a speed you could probably fly if I didn't clip your wigs every three weeks. Oh my God, absolutely fucking horrifying. Yeah, I think needless to say that didn't go anywhere. That's right.

There's another one that I just want to run past you because I think it's so weird that it's one of my favorite stories ever. This is from someone who wrote in, he said, a guy picked me up for our first date that I met off Tinder. He took me to his parents cottage in the middle of nowhere, Red Flag, and then proceeded to show me his axe collection, including his favorite axe that he used to, and she says this in caps lock, cut his hair. What? I did not see that coming. Who is out there?

Who? I mean, I'm amazed that she's alive to send me that DM. To cut to a cabin in the middle of the woods and then thought it would make her feel safe to show her his fucking axe collection. Well, I mean, if you've already accepted cabinet of woods, you know, if you're already like, yeah, I'm game for cabinet of woods. Yeah, I guess you have to be prepared

for a little axe action. How do you put your hair with an axe? I can't figure it out. We're hoping head hair not pudes. That Brazilian would be extremely dangerous. Do you have really long hair and so you can drape it over a wood stump? I honestly think that my truthful, not funny reaction is that he was probably very, very proud of that.

To get an axe sharp enough to cut hair is takes a long, long time of sharpening. So he was very proud and he probably was like, I could come my hair with this. Why do you know this? I know it sounds very... I go in the woods. I am a woodsman. I sharpen axes. I sharpen knives. I know it takes it. It's like it's it's an accomplishment. All right. So it's got a company he taken Kurt on that day. I would have been able to say that would have been like that. You would have been rock hard at the side of this. Yes.

And by he you mean Kurt. If this is written about Kurt. This was me. I do have two axes that I keep near my bed for intruders. I have intruder axes because like, you know, I'm not going to have a gun. But I do find, me having an axe is as dumb as having a gun because it assumes that if there's an intruder, I'm assuming that if there's an intruder, a sleep and just barely awake,

I will then be able to fight a man with an axe, which I've never had to do with my entire life, that I'm gonna learn that skill in that bowl. Wait, are you planning to hit him with the axe or throw the axe at him? I would not throw it because I'd probably miss and then I would just be giving him an axe. But you have too.

You're giving him an axe already. I have too. Now that's for both hands, that's for both hands. Okay, this has ended up in so many places I didn't expect. I have overshared in ways that I didn't anticipate and I don't even know how I feel about, I've truly exposed myself.

But guys, you've been absolutely ideal and I'm happy to know that you are still alive and saying true and we're dating. And also, one of my favourite things about this shows, the fact that one date story, they are pringles. They are conversational pringles. You just can't have, like, they lead to so many more. And I think it really shows how much we block out the way that I could see both of your memories triggered

about any kind of new detail, about a different scenario as to how many shit dates we've had. It's just a very universally bonding subject. And I thank you for being here to bond with me today. I feel better. Thank you. Thank you. Great, free therapy session. Kurt Boronela's new stand-up special perfectly stupid is available on YouTube and he co-hosts

the podcast bananas and a fear of Eisenberg's new comedy special plant-based jokes are streaming on YouTube now and she is the host of the podcast parenting as a joke. Bad dates is produced by smartness media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jemida Dremille. That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann.

Music by Kushy and Ebblyn Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Vaatman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media, are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kominsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com.

We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week, we will see you next time for more bad dates. Blash. Tsk. Me. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. and add free with Wondry Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey.