Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Yum Yum Two Scoops Perfect!: Live in NYC (w/ London Hughes, Zach Zimmerman, and Michael Cruz Kayne)

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

On this special LIVE episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians London Hughes, Zach Zimmerman, and Michael Cruz Kayne to the Paradise Club in New York City to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. London catches a dream ride to a nightmare picnic, Zach’s date beats a hasty escape, and Michael shows how far he'd jump for love. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.London Hughes is the author of Living My Best Life, Hon: Following Your Dreams is No Joke, released September 5, 2023. Her comedy special To Catch a Dick is streaming on Netflix. Zach Zimmerman is the author of Is It Hot In Here? Or Am I Suffering For All Eternity For The Sins I Committed On Earth?, and his tour dates can be found at zach-zimmerman.com. Michael Cruz Kayne hosts the podcast A Good Cry, Sorry For Your Loss will be available on Audible this September, and his live dates can be found at michaelcruzkayne.com. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to Bad Dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the app today! Hello there and welcome to Bad Dates. My name is Jameeda Jamal. I am the host of this show and I wanted to quickly say thank you to everyone who's been listening and recommending it to their friends and writing me the funniest and best letters about all the different places Bad Dates has made you laugh. I'm glad that we're all in this shit together. I just wanted to introduce today's episodes. It's a bit different. I did a live show, a live recording of bad dates in New York in front of a full live audience. Very nearly shit my pants out of fear, which would have been very on-brand for this podcast. But nonetheless,

it's a slightly different vibe, but one that I think you'll enjoy, our guests are hysterical and so lively, and I hope to be able to do more of these all over the world so I can come meet you all in person. But for now, enjoy bad dates. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! And now we are bringing on our guest, London Hughes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jack Simmerman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And Michael Cruz came. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ha! Luddy, how? I'm trying to get up here like a lady, babe, one sec. This is difficult. This is a very basic instinct moment. Do I need to cover you for a second?

Are you all right? Oh, that's my coach. I'm done, Jack. Is the pussy away? The pussy's away. The pussy's away. All right. Put the dicks away. I'm sorry. LAUGHTER How are you guys? You all right?

I'm well. Living our best life, Shemila Jamil. How are you? Yeah, no, I'm all right. So this is a show about? You all right? I'm well. Living our best life, she made it to me. How are you? Yeah, no, I'm all right. So this is a show about bad dates, right? Put your hands up if you've had a shit date. Oh, that is 98% of the room. This is Christ. We are all with you.

Put your hands up now if you think you were responsible for the bad date. The men at the back. Three very honest men at the back, and I think we have one woman. Hello. I'm attracted to them. Yeah, also, you know what, I join you in that. I'm a rotter, obviously, you've seen my Twitter. It's so good to have you all here, and I just love this subject. The reason that we're making this podcast is because it is the great equalizer. It is a democratic subject in which, doesn't matter how hot or cool, funny or smart,

or rich or famous you are, you are never... Never, not that dark, don't you? Exactly. I'm obviously not. Literally, we are all in friendly relationships. We're all famous, yeah. We're all famous. Yeah, we're all famous.

But you'll just never say, if you'll never say from a bad date, before we get into everyone's stories, I just want to know one by one, what's your relationship with dating, London? Jesus Christ. Uh, I have no relationship, it's bad. It's, we're not together anymore. Have you consciously uncomfortable?

No, I want you to be uncomfortable. It's shitty. Can I swear? I've just sworn like 15. I think we started to show it for C.O.W. That's very true. No, I have a terrible relationship with Dayton, don't love me. No, but you're currently single.

Very well dating. Yes. Yeah. And London has made a vow to get a boyfriend by Thanksgiving, so. I can do it! Gentlemen, of course you can. Thank you, ladies.

Thank you. What made you pick Thanksgiving? It's an American holiday that I watch in the shutt... I watch it in movies. I don't know. I want a little American boy. It's a holiday. It's a holiday known for great relationships.

I love all that shit. No, turkandy djams and all that. I love it. I don't know what they are. You're mocking our culture. that's what I'm hearing. The world walks your culture, it's the American one. This is why we did... This is why we did Fourth of July, it was this.

This is why they went independent from us for Fox Lake London. Yes. We are arranged on stage in a clear line. Yes, there's a divide. This is the fight. There is the Brick from this side. And the fight. Yeah, there is the rickshaw on this side. And the events. Events. This is the, Zach, what's your relationship to dating? Like, how's it been for you?

Are you currently dating? Oh, really? No notes. You know, everyone's perfect. They all know what they want. Everyone's clean. They all look the same as they do on their profile picture. Yeah, yeah.

So I think dating, I think dating today is very hard because there's tools that make it seem like it's easy, but it's actually very, makes it harder. Yeah, and then they start with money. No. I was thinking dating apps, but also Dildo. They seem, no one ever needs to date again, if you have. No, have that little magic wand.

I want to rabbit me and in best friends. I love my round-to-rabbit. But sincerely, but how is it out there? Do you live here? Yes, I live here at the Paradise Club here in Times Square in New York City, which is what I call my bedroom. Am I right?

Okay, we're having fun. I'm so sorry. I'm sitting on that profile. But I'm single and trying to be very happy single and if things come along, that's great. Because you gotta love yourself, et cetera, et cetera. That's beautiful. Thank you.

Beautiful. That felt slightly patronizing. No, I meant it. I meant to lose hope. He's married. Yeah, he's married. Yeah, married. Sorry, ladies.

No. Uh-oh. Had you had a guy who wore a hoodie to something that she wore that too? Well, that's for you. He's married. So I guess my relationship with dating, my wife and I, it's so really, okay, my wife and I have been married for 15 years.

I know. Wow. It's hard to believe because I am very young and the fuckable, right? Industry. So we try to go on days, but we have children, so it's tough. It's just, you know, it's tough. But you got to keep the passion alive. I always say. One of us. And let's not talk about that anymore. I think it's good to have someone like me, sorry, on the show. Wow. To represent the people who have kind of won data. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh the life. My beautiful wife, who is listening to this, knows that she is beautiful.

I love that the one straight white guy on this show is like, you need me on this show. Because my opinion is so fucking red. What? That's straight white man. He's not. He's not all. I am half Asian.

Yeah. Oh, wow. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Stop Asian hate. I'm so sorry stop Asian hate stop Asian hate stop it. I'm so sorry white Asian man All right, but I'm so I'm representing white over here. Yeah Five minutes and there's already a radio Literally what is this podcast about? Literally!

I'm married! It's called Best in Your Life. Before you were married, how did you find the dating scene? Is there a part of you that misses it or are you super relieved to not be enough? Oh, 1960s. Well, okay. Oh, my.

I didn't like dating. I wasn't any good at it. My whole, like, kind of like the move I would pull and the ladies was trying to just still be around after they had dated everyone else. You know what I mean? I would like gradually, like, their standards would gradually lower and they'd be like,

well, he's still here and that's kind of how I would. That was my approach. She said, no, I love that. I mean, with such pity and I think that's why. No, I'm actually not. I'm just like, there's a part of me that really resonates with that. I hadn't kissed anyone till I was 21 because I was so rubbish. But oh, me, although I've kind of enjoyed it.

I, at like parties, I would panic and I would set up like a coat check at a house party that doesn't need a coat check and I was like 14 years old and I would charge people so I would make money because I'm Asian as fuck and I would And I would be there until the very end of the party at the very end of the night making sure everyone diligently got their coat back and got home safe And so I was I was there at the end like the drags who someone would maybe consider having sex night making sure everyone diligently got their coat back and got home safe. You were active with the boys. And so I was there at the end, like the drags who someone would maybe consider having sex with. I never heard of anyone having a sort of anxiety that goes, okay, I'm freaked out, let me give myself a profession.

I think that it's important to say that like wild dating can be shit. Relationships can also be really, really hard. So I think it's just important for us to just make sure that everyone is, we're not shitting on single life. I mean, Michael is. Yeah. The rest of us. The rest of us aren't.

We are here in celebration of the stupidest dates we've ever been on. And now it's time to hear them. Cheapest. One person clap, thank you. There you go. Bad deeds. All right so we're going straight in. London your story's up first. It's called Ferrari Fiasco.

Yes. Yes it is. Are you ready? I'm ready. Is the audience ready? Are you guys ready? Oh yeah. Ferrari Fiasco. Gone. I'll start from the beginning. First of all, I need to make sure this is a safe space. So are there single women in the house? Single women? Make some noise. Okay. Just making sure my ladies are here because some of you can't relate to this. So, okay, so I'm very much single currently. At the time of this day, I was depressingly my ladies are here because some of you can't relate to this. So, okay, so I'm very much single currently. At the time of this day, I was depressingly single. You know when ladies, when you literally just want any man,

you know, we're just so single that you like reply to the pizza hot text that you get on your phone. That was Michael's whole body. This is where I swoop in. Yeah, this is it. This is it, that was the part. And like, I wanted like, we all have, when we're single, like we like to manifest what our dream guy is, and I was manifesting my dream day at the time.

And then it came true. And then it didn't. So I'll tell you by, I met this guy who was an investment banker. He was of Caucasian persuasion, right? I don't discriminate, by the way, anyone can get it. And I do not discriminate, okay? Just so you know. I've been suffering for years. They're all welcome in London. Um, London is open. Uh, so. It's the only London that's welcome. The only London that's welcome.

In the real London, they'll send you on boats to Rwanda. This London, all the immigrants, they really will. They really will. This London loves immigrants. So, essentially, I met this guy who's a vestant banker who I did, he had a bald head, let's call him Stephen. I was time with Stephen, and I approached him

because I was hungry for dick. Ladies, single ladies, I know you feel me. I went up to him, I was like, hey, flirting with him. What'd you do? He said he was an investment banker. I had the best chat up line, right? It's what I said. I said, oh, you're good with numbers.

Do you want mine? Boom, done, done. Still the deal, still the deal. I'll be still in his face in a week. Trust me. What did you call it? A chat. Blind child-blind.

Chat up blind. Oh, okay. What do you call that? I think we call it a pickup blind. I call it blind child-blind. Yeah, chat up. Right, right, right. So I said, I got his number. It was called Reflutting. He did that thing where he texted me back immediately. Black, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, ladies do cream never join us. Did you say you're dick-sighted? I was a, I was dick-sighted. Oh, nice.

But I said I was ex-sighted by the way, but he put the dick on. It's all like an hythinck. So anyway, he said, this is a surprise, I'm really dick-sighted. I'm, I'm ready to go on this date. He pulls up outside my house in a Ferrari. A, you know it, a bright red, gorgeous sexy real Ferrari,

not the little key chains, the real one, right? And I'm just like, I've never seen a Ferrari in the flesh. So I'm just like, oh my God, this is insane. Is it an Uber? No, it's his. He owns it, right? He won't rent in it. It was his.

He picked me up in it. And I don't know if this is a safe space, I feel like I can tell you this. But like, ladies, you know when like, you're in a nice car with a nice guy, like life is good the sun is shining and you just kind of like Pretend you're in a music video. Is it just okay? All right, okay I was I think I was in I was in a Beyonce JC music video

But in Clyde, I'm free and I was like oh me in my lab Ascent in me my boyfriend look for me. I want to me and I'm and I was like, oh, I need it in my life, and me and my boyfriend. Look for me. I want to need it. And I was loving it, OK? And I knew she was like, this will go down as the best day of my life. We're cruising through London in the summertime, drop top convertible, Jay-Z and Beyonce.

OK, white Jay-Z, but still, I still look like Beyonce. Where are you going through? All of the traffic, I'm feeling myself. And he still hasn't taken me to my destination. It's a surprise. We roll up at Hyde Park. Hyde Park is a beautiful park in London. It's like central park, but without the murders.

And I'm sorry, it's true. But Hyde Park was insane and beautiful. And I was like, OK, we're doing picnic vibes. He has a hamper, a picnic hamper that he takes out. And inside that hamper is whole foods food guys Literally now I'm a burger Mac Donalds before I was a Mac Donalds 20 chicken nuggets type of girl now I mean in cheese with white girl names like pre I was living My best life so I'm here eating breachies in the park with this food and with cute with flirting

He's sexy. he's witty, I'm enjoying everything and I'm like, this is it, I'm gonna suck a sick, I'm gonna fuck him in the park. Like, this is, he's one, like Ferrari, great food, full ham par, yes, champagne and the little plastic flutes, life is great. I was ready to do it.

Explain what you just did. So, you guys don't know this because we're in New York But back in England. I'm so good at sucking dick. They call me the seagull In the states we sound more like Really yeah, we pronounce it just a little It's because I swallow it. I feel like that's clear. Right? I swallow it. I don't have like an animal nickname for how I do sex.

I think it would be like the sloth. I was about to say for myself, Sloth. I was once told that it was like shagging a memory for a mattress. Oh wow! You never forget it. That's beautiful. Oh wow. I'm a comfortable shag.

I'm an affordable couple. Did someone leave you like a yelp review? You know what's crazy is actually three separate lovers of mine compared me to them, like independently of each other. And I have immediate regret about saying that right now. OK. As you were, as you were, the inventory of the men, because when you press the memory phone,

it's like, I've got no muscles, all right? He puts his bounces back. I say in whatever shape you put me in. You know? So essentially, I was going to suck in sticking this park, right? Because it was such an amazing day. But then shit went so left, guys. So he starts sneezing, right? Like pop our crazy things.

And this is before COVID. This is when people just sneeze because they had the cold. And so he was sneezing. right? Like popper crazy sneezing. And this is before COVID, this is when people just sneeze because they had the cold. And so he was sneezing. It's the summer time. So I thought he had allergy allergies. And I was like, okay, he's got hay fever or whatever.

And he's like, hey, hey, hey, hey. He keeps sneezing, his eyes are watering. So I offer him some clarineton and he takes it, but it doesn't do any difference. He's still watery eyes. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And before he was speaking in a deep man voice very much like, hey London, I'm an investment banker.

Hey, after a while his voice kind of went like this. And he was talking to me like this. Hachoo, I was like, what is happening to this man? And you know when you just don't ruin it? Because most guys, guys, when we think we want to fuck you, the whole time we're like, don't say anything stupid. Because we're going to fuck you. It's don't ruin it because like most guys guys, but when we think we want to fuck you the whole time We're like don't say anything stupid because we're gonna fuck you. It's don't ruin it Don't ruin it. You know what I mean? So the whole time I'm on this state like don't ruin it Don't ruin it. Don't ruin it with your medical emergency

No, because it kind of gave me it was giving me the it my vagina was starting to get dry And I was like why are you sneezing nose crying, and acting like this isn't a problem? He's like, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm like, you're not fucking fine. So after a while, it got worse and worse and he went pale, like really blue because why it men can go blue sometimes and then he went blue and he was like,

not paying attention to anything I was saying, he was swaying and I was like, are you okay? And as I said, are you okay? I shit you not. He vomited all over me and himself and passed out. And I was like, what the fuck? Now let me be very, very clear. The year was 2016. Okay, I am a black woman. He is a white man, nearly dead, we're in a park. Whatever way you look at it doesn't end well for me. Okay? I did not want to be caught with this half-dead white man in a park. I knew I would go to, I was like, what's happening?

And I didn't know how to revive him. I didn't pay attention in life, saving school, or whatever. I don't know the, what is it? The position you put them in, the public, the high-level CPR. The only position I know is doggy style. So I literally said to him, I can't help you,

I'm slapping him, throwing the expensive water on his face. The Fiji water, the good one. And like wake up, wake up. He eventually woke up dizzy. And I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? What's happening? Should I take you to the hospital? He was like, no, no, no, you can't, you can't.

I'm having a methadone come down. Yes, guys, now here's the thing. I am not like a drugie person. Like the only thing I sniff is Vicks' vapor rub. So I didn't know what methadone was, but apparently methadone is a drug that they give, like, recovering heroin addicts. heroin addicts.

So like, people that do heroin for, are methadone addicts. And this investment banker was a methadone addict and I didn't know. And so he was having this calm down crazy situation. And he said, I couldn't take him to the hospital because then he would know his work would know and they could fight him. So the only thing I could do was drive his Ferrari home.

And so I was like, okay. I've never driven a Ferrari before and I was like, cool, when it broke. So I got this, I bundled it into the car and I was supposed to be speeding, but I drove very slow because bitches need to see me in a Ferrari. So I was just taking the long way round, and... Livin' my best life, and yeah, I had... He was driving him, but he's in the car. He's in the car, parked out.

And you're just like snapping selfies and he's hovering in vomit. I was in my own music video. I didn't give a shit. That's the fuck he was in the car. This was an Aluminati. Yeah, this is Aluminati. Like, get him for a mission.

I was like, in the car, it was great. Not for him, but it was great. Anyway, drove him home. He didn't live that far. And he passed out on his bed and just waited. Because I was like, am I still going to suck his dick? I'm not sure. Maybe if he gets sped, he's got a ferrite.

He was sweet. I mean, and he had a really nice house. So I was like, I could say, I could say. And he had some drugs that helped him get better. And he got better, and he said, thank you. And then he gave me the equivalent of $350 for a cab home back to my house. I lived 10 minutes away, guys.

So I took the bar and I bought a pair of shoes. That is my sword. Yay! Yay! Yeah. I took the bath and I bought a pair of shoes. That is my sword. Yay! Yay! Yay! Yeah! That is a wild ride. Wild ride! It's also amazing how people can't...

How amazing... It's also amazing how people can contain that kind of level of addiction. Where you have no idea. There's no way of knowing that it's happening. I have no idea that he... No. So in between the date, he was doing bumps of heroin. I don't know.

Can you do du-bumps of it? I don't know. I don't know either. I don't know a drug-y person. Neither am I. But essentially, he was topping himself up, but in the park, he couldn't top himself up in the park, because I was there.

So he hit him. And it's calm audience. You do bumps of heroin. I mean, this crowd wouldn't know that. All the heroin people are like now. Lights up, get them. We do have police absolutely everywhere. I do just want to warn you.

But yeah, I've dated a... I've gone on a date, not dated. I've gone on a date with a very strange man. His name was Wayne, so immediate red flag. We don't have any. No, no, no. But I met him in the like the cutest way, I don't know if I've ever told you this story,

I met him in the cutest way you could possibly meet someone. My mum is in the hospital. Yes, no. No, my mum is in the hospital, and I get into the lift and the elevator. Sorry, the elevator. I get into the elevator. He's a merrival.

And I. Thank you. And it's like packed full of people. But then there's one incredibly handsome man walks in. And we keep looking at each other, and we keep glancing each other, like a slight smile, like English that smile, look away. And we're going up and up and up in the elevator.

And then we get to his floor, and he gets out. And I have a little bit disappointed. I'm like, oh fuck. And floor and he gets out and I'm a little bit disappointed. I'm like, oh fuck, and the doors start closing and I'm like, oh well, and then suddenly this like arm comes shooting through the elevator doors and he they burst open and he's holding both the el- my tits out no and he's holding both the elevator doors open and it's so dramatic and everyone's watching in the lift and they're watching all of this and he asked me if I'd like to go downstairs right now with him and have a coffee and I just think that is the most exciting thing I've ever heard. No one's ever asked me out like that and everyone's

looking at me in anticipation so I'm like, fuck it, we're gonna get married! So I say yes, so he gets back down and we have the smuggest like ride down to the cafe because we're so sure that we're gonna be telling the story at our wedding We get down there. We have a cup of coffee everything's nice He asked me if we can go out together later that night By the way the reason he was in the hospital is that his mother was also incredibly sick Also cute pretty cute. So trauma bonding. So we, so I go to meet up with him that night, and he stands me up.

He stands me up. I spend the whole, I've never been stood up before. Mostly because I also just rarely get dates. So I haven't had the opportunity for many people to stand me up, but I get stood up all night, and I don't hear from him that night. I don't hear from him for another day. No, no.

Three days goes by and I finally get a call from him and he tells me, oh, so casually, that he'd had an overdose on his mother who had cancer's methadone. See what I mean? It's the classiest. It was her morphine, which is like in that same family. He's the pandemic. He stole morphine from a woman,

from the woman who gave birth to him. White men who he's not. He's not. They might hear. And he took so much of it that he overdosed on it and wanted to know if I'd like to try again next week. No, thank you. For me, the scariest part of that story

is asking out someone that you just met. Like, that gives me a full body panic attack. So, that was the world part of the story, please. Yeah, I was traumatized there. Yeah. This is what I'm saying. Why, guys, ladies, be careful. No.

Up times, they're mefferdone addicts. You know, there could be amongst us right now. They pretend they're normal. I feel like we should run a phone number at the bottom of the screen. If you're struggling with addiction, please call this number. There are resources.

Oh, God. London. You can find love. London High Five. Thank you all so much. Was there a second date? There was not a fucking thing. I did get a lovely pair of shoes, some of the boots on.

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, but he did meet a nice girl in the hospital a week later. I mean, look at the same guy, same fucking guy. Jesus Christ. All right. Bad deeds. Looking for love, I'm Jujube. And on this season of Queen of Hearts,

we're going all the way down to sunny sexy Miami. I'm setting up the hottest singles in South Florida. Maybe I can find them their perfect partner, or someone to fulfill their sexiest fantasies. A man who unconditionally loves me and is a raging feminist and then ties me up rubbing oils on me then surprise gets a girl to lick my foot and another guy to put it in my and as a huge

But remember there's a twist no one can see each other until the very end Camerzone oh Got me blessed Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts You can listen ad-free on Amazon Music, included with the Prime. Download the Amazon Music app now, or you can listen ad-free by subscribing to Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts, or the Wondery app. I'm so excited to get to your story now. Do you feel ready? A lot has happened already. You've been attacked several times or on the stage.

I feel like, can we have a moment? Yes, have a moment. I love you. I love you too. Thank you so much. I'm sorry, I stopped your story. It's like clarified chat about Ben. I'm going to do the same to you. What?

I'm joking. All right. And I encourage you to. No, I won't. I won't. Zach's story is called, it's a great title the twink from hell The twink from hell Hit me. I'm there. I'm back there now and I'm just oh

So after college I moved to Chicago because I could not afford New York. Okay, we got some Chicago here And I love Chicago side tracks, the being the great Chicago Fire of 1871. The wind. A lot of hits. Yeah, yeah. A lot of hits. But I was sort of newly out to, I grew up super religious, I'm learning my sexuality,

and it's my first time asking a guy out, giving him my number. I'm at this breakfast restaurant called An Sathers with my bestie, and I order cinnamon rolls and he's the host. And so I's the host. And so I think the host is super cute. I'm like, I'm going to give him my number.

I build up my confidence. It's B-Y-O, Mimosas. I'm getting a little boozy. Yep. London has a quest. This is the exact moment you're allowed. What's a twink? No.

LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Ah, ah, ah. I'm sorry. Bear question, not to gatekeep. LAUGHTER But twink is five things. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha requirements. But what was the last one? Can't spell draw. Or can't spell draw. Yeah. How do you spell draw to me? J-O-I-E, space D-E, space V-I-V-R-E.

Not a twink? Also, two old. I. And straight. And a little hairy. Wait, you can't be straight twink. Oh! It's that's up for debate.

People call it Timothy Chalamet a twink. But it's sort of a very queer term, I think. Are there any twinks here tonight? Twinkies? OK. I usually, it's too high-pitched. I can't hear it that way. It's a twinkless.

I can't. I'm too old. My ears are. It does sound like one smurf-sized person said to me. Yeah, they responded Mariah Carey's highest tone. Right. And it sounded only audible to other twinks. Exactly. It's like a dog whistle. Now you may continue. Thank you. And a sound only audible to other twinks. Exactly.

It's like a dog whistle. Now you may continue. Thank you. I ask him how. I give him my number. I think I'm going to be like, call me. But I'm like, call me if you want. But I fumble it.

But he does text me. And so we go on a first day. We get to a coffee shop. He has candy to almonds there. No outside food or drink is allowed in the coffee shop. I got a bad boy here. And so the red flags just are coming. He just moved to Chicago.

He played hooky in the high school. He calls his mom every day. He's 19, like red flags everywhere. They look like confetti. But wait, wait, wait, how old are you at the time? 21, 22, on cross. So Twink and I were on a date. We go on a second date.

We were up. I see in his notebook, he's written another name of a guy. I put a lot of hearts around them. And I'm like, OK, so he's come to this We're going a second date. We're above. I see in his notebook, he's written another name of a guy. I put a lot of hearts around them. And I'm like, okay, so he's comfortable. He had a little journal. He had a little journal. Fucking people on notebooks. Yeah.

I can roll with that. So I'm like, okay, I got to pull out all the stats. I'm going to take him to a bar, a hot dog restaurant that has a bar attached. Ooh, like the secret ones. A secret. What do you have to go through like a phone booth? I find those so exciting. I know you're joking about it. Yes. What do you have to go through like a phone booth?

I find those so exciting. I know you're joking. It's a drift dog. It's Clark Dog in Chicago. It's jacket. It's very visible. But I know they won't card him. And I'm like, you want to feel like an adult.

Let's go to this bar. So I order beer. He orders martini. I get another beer. Another martini. He order shots. Our nights are going in very different directions. Yes.

So I'm like, I'm going to call it it a night and he's like, I'm staying. Like, when you're 19 in a bar, like, you stay. So I leave, my heart's broken, I go home, I wake up at like 2 2 30 AM to pee and I have four missed voicemails. I'm just like, blah, blah, blah. He's left me four in coherent voicemails. So I call him and I'm like, what's going. He's left me for incoherent voice smells. So I call him and I'm like, what's going on? He's lost his keys.

He's locked out of his apartment. He's in his courtyard yelling at his, and he's like, friends, he lives alone to let him in. His neighbors. And I'm like, dude, you can come to mine. You can sleep on my couch. He's like, I'm fine, I'll come and get you. I feel a little guilty.

I got him in there. Maybe this is my responsibility. Yes. Yeah. He was under age. Yeah. Oh my god. All right, I'm going down.

He was earning 21. I'm joking. Got it. Oh, OK. You know, Twink self. What? I love it. So I get in a cab.

So the woman who was like throwing Fiji water in the face of a man who's having a medical emergency. The nephrodon killed him. He died. He died. He died. So I get in the cab, I go to pick him up. He's yelling at his neighbors, and I'm like, dude,

you can stay at mine, come with me. The cab driver runs away, because he can tell that he's going to vomit in this cab. So I nearly carry him back to my apartment. It's January, Chicago. I feel like I have a tattoo. It's like the Revenant. It's like the Revenant.

It's like the Revenant. Yeah. Exactly. Oh. That's a bad. It's like yellow jackets in the, yeah. It's yes. So I feel like, and I feel like he has a tattoo.

It's like, I'm 19. He'll make it boo. I'm just like very self-hunting. He's very deppery, don't worry. Yes. I'm so here we get boo I'm just like very self-hearing every drama yes I had already had dinner I wasn't feeling generally we get back to our apartment and I'm on the fourth floor so we're climbing four flights of stairs I put them on the couch I toss a machine and a pillow and he's like I'm gonna use a bathroom so it goes to the bathroom I hear the shower turn on like oh yeah oh, yeah, it's 2.30 a.m.

Take a little late night shower while I have roommates, okay? Do you need any like hygiene products at hotels at? Like, minute goes by, a couple minutes, 10 minutes, longer than like a shower should take. And I'm like, what's going on there? I'm like knocking and like, hello, he doesn't respond. And then I check the knob, he's locked the door. And so I'm like, oh my God, is he drowning

in a inch of water? Like what's going on? At this time, my roommate's been woken up because I'm knocking so loud. I'm like, what should I do? And I feel like I'm underacting. So I break down the door. Oh wow!

I know. And then I'm like, the killer from Psycho, I pull the shower curtain, showers empty. There's just water and like conditioner bottles and a little window that we only open until that steam out is open. The twink is gone. Oh my God.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. The twink is gone. So I stick my head out the window and I look down and on the fire escape looking up, I can see the whites of the twink size. He's just frozen in space and I turn into like a mom like get back up here this instant. What are you doing? And I look at my friend. She's like, I think you have to. So I climb down because he's not coming. That's the only way. Yes. How high up are you?

We're 40 feet up the apartment and he's around 20. And when I get down there, I realize why he stopped. The fire escape stops. It doesn't go to the ground. He's trapped. He's stuck. When Ethos are bags of trash in the alley, filled with like razor blades or something. When your fire escape is a tritz very dangerous.

Wait, wait, wait. Yeah, that's health and 65. And then there's a fence at the end of the alley. Like if a fire happened, we all die. Like, wait, how the, now you stop now with the twink in the bowl? I'm sitting next to the twink of the alley. Like if a fire happened, we all die. Like, how the know you stop now with the twink in the door? I'm sitting next to the twink in the cold, yes, and he's crying. He's like, I should have never moved to Chicago.

And I'm holding it, it's OK. It's OK. Trying to convince him to climb back up. He won't climb up. So I'm just holding him up, making sure he doesn't fall. I'm making my friend go to the neighbors we had at that level. There was a window.

I was like, oh, go, we can get in the window. The neighbors in a radical act of Chicago, Napier Linus, do not answer the door. So we're still stuck. And then he just keeps crying. And I realized, oh, you're new to a city. This is hard. And then he said, I still think about it to this day.

He's like, just let me go it'll be easier and I'm like oh my god this is turning into a Leonardo DiCaprio man it is the Revenant it's going basketball diaries now go on so I'm like I yell up to my friend like call 9-1-1 so the Chicago police department fire department and paramedics roll up at 3 a.m. an axe chops down the wood infants, a fireman climbs over the garbage, puts a ladder up, we're given the choice, climb down, or be carried. What did he say? I climb down, he is carried.

Yeah. Yeah. Good for him. And we made it to the ground. I'm like, thank God we're like safe. The paramedics are like talking to us and they're like, what happened? What happened? And I'm like, oh God, what's he going to say?

And he's like, I had a bad night. And they're like, we can all see. We all have those. So I let him sleep on my couch, keep a warm eye on him. I know. They released him to my care. I still felt responsible. Next morning, he's drinking water in the kitchen,

and my roommate comes in very hot gay man, and says, is just like in the kitchen, and the twink to him goes, sup. Oh, I saved his life, and he hit on my roommate. Oh wow. And that's when I learned you can't force your fairy tale. Oh my god. I don't even know what that is.

I don't even know what that is. I don't even know you want very tell me. No. But do anything happen with him in the roommate? No, no, no. He texted later that day and I haven't spoken to him. Two, yes. What a cunt! Right, this is why I don't speak to 19-year-olds because they have just got nothing to give society. Truly. Oh, how, you were 21, he was 19. Yeah. And have you learned, what did you learn from that? Yeah.

Oh, I feel like I keep learning the same lessons over and over again in my dating group. But like, don't bring an engagement ring to a first date. Like, don't force it. Don't like try to fall instantly in love. Let things go. You also don't know the person. Like, really? I feel like when you, you don't know what they're capable of.

Do you know what it is? It's because when we're single, I don't know, you guys can't relate. But when you're a single person, any new date, like it's more in your head, because you're thinking of the possibilities, you're not seeing the reality in front of you, like, no, he's the mirror.

It's the noise. It's just the four of him, you know? When someone shows them who they blah blah, yeah. You're like, he reality in front of you like no, he's the mirror It's just the four of him you know when someone shows them who they blah blah. Yeah You don't believe them to be all of this beautiful shit It's like no, he's unemployed and married, but you don't see that in the beginning. Did you know it just yeah It's it clouds to judgment. So I feel for you the friend to call 911 is here tonight. Did I get all the story accurate? The friend, two called 911, is here tonight. Did I get all the story? Accurate. Friend.

Let's have dinner. Wait, not the hot roommate. Yeah, he hit. No, no, the loyal, good friend. She's hot too. Well done for cooling 911 babe. Well done. Alaka.

Bad dates. Life is short and it's full of a lot of interesting questions. What does happiness really mean? How do I get the most out of my time here on Earth? And what really is the best cereal? These are the questions I seek to resolve on my weekly podcast, Life is Short with Justin Long. If you're looking for the answer to deep philosophical questions, like, what is the meaning of life?

I can't really help you, but I do believe that we really enrich our experience here by learning from others. And that's why in each episode I like to talk with actors, musicians, artists, scientists, and many more types of people about how they get the most out of life. We explore how they felt during the highs and sometimes more importantly, the lows of their careers. We discuss how they've been able to stay happy during some of the harder times, but if I'm being honest, it's mostly just fun chats

between friends about the important stuff. Like if you had a sandwich named after you, what would be on it? Follow Life is short wherever you get your podcasts. You can also listen to Add Free on the Amazon Music or Wondering App. your podcast. You can also listen to ad free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. All right. So Michael, your story does not have to have a motto at the end. Don't worry. No pressure.

No pressure. No, because look at how well I will try to come up with one. And by I also like your mind, so you've already been dismissed by 80% of the room. Oh, 20% you think still on board? I think so, right? Married people, clap it up. Yes, that is the kind of tempered applause married people have the energy for.

Yes, this is our one night out. Yeah. All right, so your story is called Grupum. The story's called Grupum, yes, thank you. I mean, sounds like a marriage story. Already sounds fucking cool as hell. Ooh. It sounds hot.

Oh no, we had Ferrari Fiasco, the swing from hell. And Grupan. That's right. You can tell he's married, my God. Where's the fun? So I had just moved in with this girl that I really like. Her name is Carrie. And I wanted, I really, I liked her so much,

and I wanted to impress upon her my masculinity, which was at the time, and Vogue. And. Yeah. Yeah. And so what I did was I bought a groupon to go skydiving. Oh wow. What could go wrong?

Smiling my eyes. Yeah, so I buy it and then immediately I'm terrified of it because it's not, I'm not a skydiving person. I'm like, who likes chess? I'm like, that's kind of more my thing. But it had an expiration date. And the day before it was about to expire, my desire to save money overcame my will to live.

And so I told her, I was like, so I bought this skydiving Groupon and she was like, oh my God, that's so not like you. And I'm like, no shit. And so I call the place. I'm like, hey, we want to cash in on this thing or whatever. And then the only time you can come tomorrow is first thing at the morning.

You have to be here at 5 in the morning. It's the only time that you can do it. Because the whole rest of the day is full up. So we drive overnight. We sleep in the parking lot of a stop at shop. Tres Romantic. Do you, do you, fuck it up? Sorry, I didn't mean to.

Yeah, we fucking stop. We do not. For the podcast audience, she was doing the finger-fucking thing with her hand, just so you guys know. And for the audience, he's also now doing it as well. That's right. I kind of want to get it on there too. We're all, that's cool.

We're not. We're fucking. We do not smash in the car. Okay, by the way, goals of being in a serious committed relationship and still doing big dates. Thank you so much for saying that. Thank you so much. Thank you. That means a lot to me. So where was I? So we're in the parking lot. Okay, so we're in the parking lot of this time. And we get up next morning and we go to the place. And if you've been skydiving before, you will know this, but the first thing that have you do

is sign a waiver that basically says, if I die, my bad. Oh, wow. And then at this place, you have to read the waiver out loud into a camera. Oh, wow. So somewhere there is a video of me for all history saying, I guess I'm paying to kill myself?

No, wow. And I realize sort of the chasm between me and Carrie in this moment because she is reading that waiver like Braveheart, like she would be happy to die on this day. And I am sobbing. I'm fully crying. And she has seen me cry at this point maybe 10 times. And all of them prior to this were me trying

to describe to her point for point, the plot to Miss Saigon, which is beautiful. Hands out. Fuck you, it's great. OK, so we do all that. And then the skydivers come out. And I say the skydivers because when you go skydiving for the first time, you don't go skydiving.

Another guy goes skydiving, and you are baby-beyond to his chest. Her guy comes out. It's the hottest guy I've ever seen in my life. Bar or not, his name is Sean. He is fucking jacked. But not like, you know, some guys like a little too, you can see the veins and everything You're like, whoa, that's too much. This guy is yum yum two scoops. Perfect His body is so good. I would imagine does this make sense? I would imagine that he was born with a ribbed penis. Does that make sense? Is that good?

Would people like that? Or they'd be like, oh, this is a man. You know, you're like, I'm talking to you for a beat. Huh? Yeah, we don't wait for a kick. So the other thing he says is, oh, I'm Sean, but by doing this for a couple of years, I used to be a Navy seal.

Oh, fuck you. OK. So he's like putting the straps on her or whatever, and like, you know, this one goes here, and this one goes here, and I know I'm supposed to be jealous but I'm like, this is my fantasy. And so then my guy comes out, and you can right away see the group on kicking it.

Right away, you're like, oh, this is where the discount is here. This isn't even part of the story, oh, this is where the discount is here. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER This isn't a part of the story, but his face is covered in burns. So why, I don't know. Oh, no. And it's also smashed in on one side, as if, say, I don't know, he had maybe jumped, perhaps?

LAUGHTER From a high-high and landed, right on his fucking face. LAUGHTER From a... Hi, I'm landed. Right on this fucking face. So, he only says one sentence to me the entire time, which is, if you touch my hands, we both gonna die. And I don't know what race he is, but when I find out, I'm gonna be racist against those people. If we touch hands, we're going to go into that. If you touch my hands, I think you say like, yeah, I'm just going to do it very much to myself. I'm

going to. I'm terrified. That's like a typical wazin man. Hell yeah. So we get in the plane, which is a, it's not like a plane, like when you think of a plane, you have a particular vision in your mind. This is one of those jobs where like the guys got front and like do this to the propeller You know, I mean, it's not there's even go by itself. Yes, like encourage it. Yes, come on buddy It's like right brothers. Yeah, it's a very or a very Could you talk about this at what point could you I don't think at any point I've I've like banked my entire relationship I'm getting to the end of this you weren't gonna just say I'm good absolutely not I'm going to shiver and cry

But I'm going to do it. Wow. So we get in the plane. The plane starts going. At one point, the radio doesn't work. So the pilot has to pull the radio out of the dashboard. And a child comes on the runway and gives him a new radio. And they swap it out.

A child. I'm sitting in what I think is like the co-pilot. Okay, so Carrie's in the back sitting on Sean's lap, living both of our dreams. And I am sitting on the lap of a monster man where the co-pilot seat would be. But the seat has been torn out. We're sitting on the floor.

And my feet are touching like these petals that I guess planes have. I don't fucking know. And the pilot is like, oh, it's kind of hard to steer. I'm like, what the, is it because my feet are touching these? And he's like, oh, yeah, you can't touch those. But what the fuck am I doing here? We get up in the sky.

It's when we've reached the appropriate height to die whatever height that is. Sean gets up with Kerry. And he's talking like quietly, but his masculinity. Wait, Sean is G.I.J. Sean is the hot guy. Okay. Sean is the hot guy. He's on the hot guy. Yeah, yeah.

Sean says to her, we're going to walk over to the aperture. I'm going to count down from three, then we'll both tumble out. And they do exactly that. It's like symbiotic, it's synchronicity, it's gorgeous. And it's called the aperture. Hold on. The aperture. The aperture.

OK, I want to learn new words today. The aperture. The aperture. The aperture. The aperture. Okay, I'm just, I wanna learn new words today. That's all. The aperture. The aperture. The aperture. The aperture opens. Yeah. No, the aperture, it's already, no, no, no, no.

The fucking thing is open the whole time. We're up in the thing, the fucking aperture. The aperture's like, okay, I should have said it's a doorway, but there's no door in it. Okay. They jump out of the plane. Could anything be an aperture? What?

Could anything be an aperture? Could you call your asshole like, my ass? I think you could. I think you could. I think your ass is opening. Wait, okay, you're at the aperture. No, I want to know. She's jumped out now already.

She's gone. She and Sean are gone. Why didn't you say no, fuck this shit? Because she's already gone. What am I going to do? You could have just said that. I'm already in the plane. She's going to marry Sean at the bottom.

It doesn't go on that way. That's exactly right. The only thing I'm thinking is, Sean's gonna have sex with her down there. That's true. I can't. He's already in the air. I couldn't possibly be mad at her for that.

Sean is the kind of guy who could fuck her mid-air, isn't he? He's in her aperture already. Oh, right. Oh, I'm in the aperture. All right. Oh, right. Oh, I'm hitting the aperture. There we go. Go team. Yes, he's an innocent. That's the most mileage I've ever gotten out of the word aperture.

No, because this is the first time we've had it. OK, so they're gone. My Frankenstein gets to his feet. Frankenstein. And he can can I demonstrate? Is that allowed? Yeah, oh my God. So he is like lurching toward the door like that.

So the podcast people, he's doing a Frank and Sine walk. And right here. I've got you, I've got you. Thank you. And that is for the first time I realize how much bigger he is than me, because as he's doing this, I'm strapped to his chest and my legs are just dangling. Wait, okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He's showing you.

His legs are wobbling. Are you gonna be? Jamila's now joining. Jamila has now mounted the chest. This is incredible. Okay, great. Jamila Jamila's mounted the chest. Incredible vision.

It's like American gothics for those at home. What is happening? And then he says nothing, sprints toward the opening Oh wow. And goes, Oh! All the way down.

And that is basically the end of this story, except to say that that woman, Carrie, is now my wife. And... Yay! Wow, John. Fuck you, Sean. my what? FUKU SHON! FUKU SHON! Yeah, FUKU SHON! FUKU SHON! That should have been the name of it. FUKU SHON would have been made the better. Yeah, I would root bomb we didn't know where it was going to go.

Yeah, that's true. I like the mystery. I do like root bomb. I have been skydiving by the way since then, Bragg. And it was was I only Subsequently do I realize how busted the first place like most skydiving places not like kind of nice Group one again, or no never again never a single never single group on I'm sorry if there are any group on people here Yes, never again

I think they fired every bad. That's your moral. Yes. That's your motto, is it? Never again, group one. Jammy's learned not to use group one. It's great. Me, however, group one. I would love free product.

If they're listening, I love all brands. Hello, group one. Love brands. That would absolutely love a two-blitening at a dentist you would never go to. Yes. Have you done anything as exciting with your wife's sense, like a adrenaline with the gris seeking?

At one point we went white water rafting with my family in Colorado, and the water, or whatever, was like especially rough. The guys like, this is like really tough water. We were like, oh yeah, good one. And we're out and it's very smooth. And we are kind of like cracking jokes. We hit a boulder, the boat capsizes. My family is just strewn into the river.

And my dad, like, bashes his knee open, he's like gushing blood. When they, so the woman who's the guide gets up on top of the upside down dinghy and whatever. And it's just like, you know, a jungle priestess has no problem navigating it. And they finally pull us out. We're like, you know, bloodied and sad.

And my wife comes out and she was like, that was fucking awesome. Oh, okay. Hello, Akka. We're just seeing it. I've been, I've learned something from your stories, which is to never go on any kind of excursion with you. Yeah, exactly.

You're the common denominator for the disaster. Oh my goodness. Wow, what a story. The stories have been the commentant. That's true. And the commentant is for the disaster. Oh my goodness. Wow. What a story. These stories have been fucking amazing. My eyes are sweating. She's sweating. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, geez.

Do you have any words of... And you don't have to. But does anyone here have any words of wisdom you would like to impart upon these wonderful dating New Yorkers here tonight before we go. I guess I would say it as hard as dating is, you know? Oh no! That's from your every tower of power and privilege. I know! Don't you dare give up! Don't you dare! Who know? It could be someone here. It could be a

white 19-year year old twink. You don't know. You don't know. Keep your heart open, is all I would say. Stop. He sort of blew a kiss to the amorphous blob of Bob. Did Jesus Christ? Yeah, so Jesus Christ.

Bob. Smokka. I don't have any. I mean, it does, to quote the white married man, it does get better, but I've kind of been enjoying being single, like I kind of like the fact that like there's a new dick in my life every week, you know? I kind of like that.

They're the question mark over my summer. You know what your summers are, I don't, you know? I could be in the streets, I could be in the river, I could be anywhere. I'm very happy. So yeah, I just like the adventure of it all. And life is an adventure. So you're saying enjoy it. Enjoy your stay while you can. Yeah. Before you're in jail apparently, like I have to go to England. Or before you just tie down to the same old moldy dick that don't give head over.

You are friends with my boyfriend. Not you. Not James Blake's dick. I'm sure it is amazing. give him a new friend with my boyfriend. Not you. Not James Blake stick. I'm sure it is amazing. I'm talking about the future. My mom said this to me. My mom's 70. She asked me if I was having enough sex.

And I was like, shocked at that. But she was like, are you having enough sex? And I was like, yes, mom. I'm living my best life. I can write a book on it. And she literally was like, OK, that's good, because no one tells you that it slows down when you get older. And she said she wishes she had more sex in her 20s,

because apparently men's libidos, they go down, but women's go up. So you don't want to be 85 and dealing yourself off to artificial intelligence, OK? So all I'm saying is, just enjoy it and fuck why you still can. OK, ladies. Amen still can. Okay ladies. Amen.

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Zach, anyone? I don't know. I hope everyone knows the theirful and unique and whole person by themselves. Yes. That sort of no other person is going to,

you might find different people to compliment you. Also, nothing is forever. Oh shit. I know people say like, we're gonna be together forever. There is no forever. We all die. Like, your relationships come and go.

That's so rude. People, why did you come and see that? You found the one for now. Why are you even so chat? Love me too, not. You'll be back in this. That's so rude. Is are you coming for a chat? Love it. You're not. You'll be back. That's so rude. Is that?

Why are you coming to the show live in the moment? Why are you coming for a jam's relationship? No, not yours. That one lasts forever. Zach, your thing started so inspirational. So nice. Really took a turn. So nice.

All right, guys, where can everyone find your work? London, where can people find you? OK, so you can find my Netflix special on Netflix. Thank you. It's produced by Kevin Hart. It's cool to catch a dig. It will be your best ever special you've ever seen. I'm very proud of it.

But I also have a book coming out September 5th in all UK and US bookstores. So it's called Living My Best Life, Harm, Following Your Dreams is No Joke. So yeah, by that, I'm watching my special. Yay! Yay! And Zach, where can we find you?

After you pre-order London's book, please buy my new book. It comes out now, and I hope you love it. Tell us the amazing title. It's a long time. It's called, is it hot in here or am I suffering for all eternity for the sins I committed on Earth? Oh, no! It's a bunch of essays, humor pieces about religion, hell, dating, the story that Twink on the fire escape is inside of it.

Amazing. Available now across the world. Yes, can't wait. Can't wait for that book. Thank you. Go on, babe. And you can find me at the Menetalaine Theatre. I'm doing a one-person show called Sorry for Your Loss,

produced by Audible, heard of it. And I also have a podcast called A Good Cry that I hope you will check out wherever you listen to podcasts. And I love you. Woohoo! Michael, you're a dream. You're a dream. Guys, you've all been absolutely incredible.

Wait, wait, no. Can we make some noise for Jamila Jamil? Never God Like a bad bitch Love this I love you congratulations queen. I did not billboard in Times Square. It's fucking Go see our billboards It's by Eric and ego. Thank you London. I love you It's by their can-eagle. Thank you London, I love you. No worries. Oh my God.

This has been unhinged, but it's been the fucking best. I love all of you so much. I'm so excited for all the work you have coming out. Thank you for coming here to support this. And thank you to the audience for being so fucking fun. Woo! That's party. All right, good luck out there. Say, say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jameena Jamil. That's me! Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by

Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Vaatman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard C Coursen and Bernie Kominsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more. Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.