Bad Friends - Aliens, Gyoza & Japanese Dog Men, Oh My!

Episode Date: August 14, 2023

Get MORE Bad Friends at our Patreon!! https://www.patreon.com/badfriends Thank you to our Sponsor Morgan & Morgan. If you’re ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. For more information go to https://ForThePeople.com/badfriends or dial Pound LAW (Pound 529) from your cell phone. This is a paid advertisement. YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Join the Bad Friends Patreon for more hilarious content 1:35 Batman is Sick 5:17 Bobby Talks to an Alien 13:14 Oppenheimer, Barbie & Bobby's Mannequins  17:32 Toco, the Japanese Dog Man 26:15 Bobby's Brain Fog 37:09 The Way Santino Does Massages 46:50 The Smoothy King 56:43 Bobby's Obsession with Cold Cases More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Fancy SOS VHS: https://www.youtube.com/@SOSVHS Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producer: Andrés Rosende #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, you guys we have a patreon and it's the best thing on earth. It's the best thing I'm right because if you don't sign up for it, you're missing out on in life itself We have funnier content. We have way funnier content than the episode itself on patreon. It was a baller It was baller, baby Here's what you're gonna get on a pocket when you sign up for our patreon You're gonna get the episode that we post normally on Monday You're gonna get it on the Friday before. No, add free, no ads. Uncensored, add free party with the bad friends.

And then also bonus exclusive content. Behind the scenes stuff, we're gonna have bad friends court. We're gonna take bad advice calls from fans. We have so much stuff planned for you guys on the Patreon. So you sign up at Patreon.com slash bad friends. That's right. Patreon.com slash bad friends. Sign up with us today in the fall. We're going on tour Rochester, New York, baby. Yeah, the North field, which is basically Cleveland, Ohio. It's just sound the Cleveland, Ohio. Home sit, Pennsylvania,

which is Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh, we're doing two shows. The first one sold out. The late show is there. Then we go to Boston, Massachusetts, Washington, DC, then we go to Boston, Massachusetts, Washington, D.C., the home of our residents, then we go to Denver, Colorado, Milwaukee, my hometown, a Chicago, Illinois, Minneapolis, and finally in Madison, we're adding dates as we go. Go'm a bad friend. I'm not even funny. But anyway, who called you every day that you had COVID? Who called you every day that you had COVID? You did. I did.

You called me a couple times. But and then who has peed nothing from peed, you're on the road, you're headlining, but you called me the most, I think. You texted me the most. I did, I was worried about you. When you said, when I first called you, I said, how are you feeling? You're like, yeah, but Robin would call Batman

if Batman was sick. That one, no, no, it's the other way around, buddy. I think I'm Robin and I did call you. No, I'm Batman for sure. You're 100% not Batman. Yeah. 100% Batman. You're definitely not Batman. Pro. I% Batman. You're definitely not Batman.

Pro. I've never seen my house as a cave. There's nothing beautiful and ominous about you at all. There's nothing like sexy. How do you, Batman's not sexy? Yes, absolutely is. Who gets more pussy? Robin or Batman?

Batman, are you? Yeah, Robin's gay, I think. Robin's gay. Oh, he is. He gets no pussy. It's the color of the costume. He's got to change that up. No, I'd take a salmon or something. Oh, it's the color of the costume. You gotta change that up. No, I'd take a salmon or something.

I think it's Chris O'Donnell. You're right, right, right, right. But I thought I was always bad man between us, but okay. You're a little bit closer to Ant-Man. Cockaroch boy. They're different universes. Cupcake guy. No, Ant-Man Marvel.

Cupcake guy. Yeah, I'm a cupcake guy. You're closer to Cupcake guy. Yeah. You'm a cupcake guy. You're closer to cupcake guy. Yeah. You're whatever superhero orders too many things to eat. What superhero is that? I'll be one bat. Full menu guy.

Oh yeah, you are one bat. One bat man. One bat man. One bat man. One bat man. One bat man. Okay, all right. I'll give you a bat man.

I'll give you a bat man. Yeah, thanks. Carlos is what Alfred? Yeah, for sure. Slave. I don't know. I love Alfred. I think Pete is closer Alfred? Yeah, for sure. Slave. I don't know, I kind of like, I love Alfred. I think Pete is closer to Alfred.

Pete's closer to Alfred. Yeah, right, right. Carlos is a little bit closer to like the penguin. Right. All right, Carlos is definitely penguin. Yeah. You are Poison Ivy? That's Poison Ivy.

Or Catwoman. No, that's Poison Ivy. Poison Ivy. Yeah, you have more of a hippie vibe. You know what Pete is actually? Pete is what was Schwarzenegger's, remember ice? What was it? It's ice cream.

Mr. Freeze. Mr. Freeze. Mr. Freeze. Yeah. Welcome back, Bobby's healthy. Hello. You're back off the road, headlining Jetski Johnson. We're back in the studio, man.

Look at this, we're all back together. I love it. A family. A team. How was the show? Amazing. Sold out. Sold out, the people were great and Vegas was maybe wait

You played wise guys played wise guys one night. Oh, it was my first weekend. I did Thursday in Salt Lake City Friday Saturday What a Vegas okay? So Thursday you did one show? Oh wise guys. Yeah, okay, you sold that out Very close each night. It's either a seller or not just. Just a yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she did. Yeah. Okay, I'll give you that Friday. Yeah. Sold out. Everything sold out. Sold out. Sold out. Sold out. Great. They even sold out the sold out sign. Sold out. Somebody bought it. Oh, you sold it about that part. Yeah. That's what happens. Sign felt was in town too, but yeah. Can you believe Jesse's across history? It's crazy. And Vegas was wild. It's different without us. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot lonely. But I worked a lot harder. Really? Yeah. We nervous. Um, the first night I was

pretty nervous. Um, and I like just remembering all my jokes, but I was more nervous like flying alone. Yeah. Because we were there for the comfort. Yeah. You know, we'd cry and wait here. Yeah, that's cool. Congratulations. Speaking of flying, man, the government just admitted that we have UFOs legit, legit legit, it's over. Yeah, not in shit. Wrap it up, dude. Yeah.

Well government, look it up. It's what our government. The only one that matters. What administration, Biden and Trump, because the only trust Trump. Rand Paul's, remember Rand Paul? It's kind of his thing. Oh, I like him. Yeah, we love that guy just Trump. Rand Paul's, remember Rand Paul? It's kind of his thing.

Oh, I like him. Yeah, we love that guy. No, do the government, they got, they got, Tea party, Tea party, Tea party, Tea party. No, they literally admitted, what did, look it up, right? Didn't they admit to saying that we have contact with aliens, is that what it was? And they showed up.

Yeah, physical contact. Do we, hello? Hello, I'm John. I'm, hello. But I, go, but, is that Iba Goppa? Yeah, hello. Hello, hi, I'm John. Hello. I'm Copa. Is that Ibo-to-Goppa? Yeah. Hello. Hello.

Hi, I'm John. What's your name? Ibo-to-Goppa. Ibo-to-Goppa. Yeah, Francis Ford Coppa isn't that cute. Yeah. Yeah. I'd wreck up there too.

I'd wreck up there too. Space father. They said that we have contacts. Whistleblower tells Congress the US is concealing multi decade program that captures UFOs. Wait, Whistleblower tells, like, who's this Whistleblower? Some of that worked, that worked. Yeah, but who knows who that is? What do you mean?

Who's the Whistleblower, okay? What if it was me? No, I saw him, he's a white guy. To white guy? Yeah. We got to trust him. Oh, if it's a white guy, you trust? Yeah. He's like tall too. What have you learned nothing it's a WaiKa, you trust? Yeah.

He's like tall too. What have you learned nothing about this country? Oh, WaiKa people just tell the truth. That's right. That's right. They never lie. No, but they basically said that we got contact with these people.

That we've been going up, that we've been talking to them for a long time. Multi-decade. Doc was right. Doc was right the whole time. I've been apologized. Yeah, man, I told you, man, that was crazy, man. You thought I was on wine.

I'll tell you all the truth. It's insane how true it did come to be. And we captured them. What does that mean? That we've got them somewhere. I gotta believe that we have one somewhere. For shocking moments from Congress UFO hearing, nonhuman pilots to possible contact with aliens. Come on, dude.

Who do you mean? You don't buy it? I don't buy it. Dude, this is every valid news source is talking about this. If I see an alien, right, what's the name? Idiocopola.

Idiocopola. Idiocopola. If I see a photo of idiotopola, right? Yeah. Don't hell out. And a photo. You can't take pictures of them. Why?

You can't catch trends, Lucent? Yes. You can't capture that. Or they're like your dick. Trend see through. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. This is real, dude.

Look, they make contact with extraterrestrial life. Groosh personally interviewed people with direct knowledge of non-human origin craft. So you personally spoke with people that have been on non-human origin crafts. Let me, what was the, let's say you captured me. Yeah. I'm alien. I'm idiot Copa. That's kind of what this show, let's say you captured me. Yeah. I'm alien. I'm idiot Copa. That's kind of what this show is, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. What, what, what was the first question you would ask? Hello. Well, hi, hi. Idiocopal. Hi, idiot Copa. Where are you from? My name is, my name is Pete.

Pete. Sorry, my name is George Kimmel. Yeah. If you're trying to kill anybody that I, please go after the Kimmel family. What's the first question I would ask you? Where are you from? Cleveland.

You're from Cleveland, Ohio. You caught me, no. Where are you from? I'm from Avariapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapap How long did it take you to get here? It took me three thousand light years two seconds point five And we must have a different numbering system. I feel like we do yeah, it's in metrics. Oh That's the well British we do it in metrics. Yeah, you do seem British. Bye I would ask like this. Um, you be somebody Hello, my name is a professor. This is my scientist. You say your name. Hi, I'm Dr.

Clavorian and we're researching a Dr. Cavorkin. Clavorkin. Oh, let's get this thing over with. How are you doing today? Part of the card. Excuse me. What's your name? Boschoke. Boschoke?

Boschoke. Boschoke? Boschoke. Boschoke. Boschoke. We caught a mafia alien guy. Oh, hell yeah. That's what he is. Yeah, yeah. Boschoke, are you gonna have us whacked?

No, maybe you could. You could have. You could have. You could have. He just kept his word Italian guy. If you dare, I tell you that. That's all right. That's cool. All right, that's cool.

I mean, truly, the best example of this was with men in black when they took the bodies of humans, you know they're doing this. You know that they took the bodies. Oh. Remember the woman on the plane, like two weeks ago, that's like, she, that motherfucker's not real.

Oh, I saw that, yeah, yeah. All right, did she see what she wasn't supposed to see? It was a guy in a hoodie. I saw a testimonial from a guy that was on the flight who said he saw her talking to a guy with this hoodie up who acted as if he didn't speak to her once, but they communicated telepathically. Like that's your name.

Like five minutes straight. Whoa. So she thought, I don't exactly know what's going on. She thought she saw somebody in the back. She spoke to a person who had a hoodie on, who's bent down, and she said, it wasn't real, he wasn't real. She said that motherfucker's not real.

This distressed woman had a meltdown on a plane, saying there was a passenger that was there that wasn't there. She wants off the plane. Wait, so there's a, was he really there? Did some scanner kid in a hoodie going? Apparently there was a guy that was there. And he's like, whoa, I really there? Did some scanner can do it in a hoodie going? Apparently, there was a guy that was there. And he's like, whoa, why don't know what's going on? Yeah, I don't know if they have Devon

spoken to this guy, this guy's in comfort. Do you know why? Cause that motherfucker's not real. Oh, fucking blow my mind. Told you dude. Fucking blow my mind. Why don't they have an interview with him because he's not real.

Yeah, whoa dude. Can I say something? You know when people get yellow? Oh, sorry. Oh, okay. I don't know what that was. Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop. I have so sorry. No, dude. Can I say something? You know when people get yellow, oh, sorry. Okay. I don't know what that was. Where do we wait with stop? I have so.

No, honestly. You're, well, people, you know, you're just stop. Sorry. You were thinking one thing. Yeah. You weren't looking at me.

I know. Then you look right at me and then you said yellow. Yeah, I did. That was weird. I was gonna say when people get sick, they turn green and yellow. When people get sick of red. Yeah.

That's what you did. Yeah. When people get sick, they turn yellow and green, right? Don't they say like you're turning green or turning? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You look the same. So you wouldn't know if I was being nauseous or anything. Right. How would I know you're nauseous? That's a good point. You could throw up just regular.

Exactly. Did you throw up the last couple of days? No. No bathroom trouble. No. I stopped picking the boogers in my left nostril though. That's kind of nice. You know why? Why?

If I put even a little booger, it would gush out blood. Oh. Well, your nose dry? Were you just always dry? Drink some water and put some affron up there. I don't know. But anyway, you were just bleeding out of your nose all day? My left nostril, yeah.

Let me see the level. Lift up. It looks good. Yeah, it's fine now. Yeah. Well, it's stuffy. How was this COVID versus the other one? The rankum. Yeah, you rankum. We got it. If we're going to keep getting them, we should keep ranking them. I think it was the second worst. Really? The first time I got it was the worst. This was second. Give it to me out of 10. How many out of 10? I've only had COVID three times. Four. You've had it four times. Yeah, this is your fourth time. They're the memory log.

Yeah, the air's the memory log. Shit. Holy shit. Yeah, you're right. So out of the four times? Yeah, out of the four times. What is this rank? Second worst, I said.

Second worst number out of 10. Paying out of 10. Oh, I mean, dude, the fucking Monday night was Monday and Tuesday, I don't even remember. Night sweats? Night fever. Oh, you had bad fever dreams, night fever. Oh, give us a fever dream. I didn't really recall what they are.

Yeah, you don't remember them. You just hold the feeling of horror every dream. I had a night and night and night, I kept chasing somebody who I didn't really know who was from room to room to room like they were like, come on, come on, come on. And I was trying to get into another room and then I get another room and room to room to room, like they were like, come on, come on, come on, and I was trying to get into another room and then I get another room and to be a totally different place and they were like,

come on, and I'd follow them into 50 rooms and I could never get to them or get to where I needed to go. You consider that a nightmare? It was kind of an anxiety inducing. I mean, it's got to be a metaphor. Jesse, go ahead. What is it?

You wouldn't like it though. All that running. Oh, why? We scootered together. Oh, why? Yes. We scootered together. Yeah, you guys do. Anyway, are you implying though, that you hate running? There's, I think there's more in that implication.

No, you dislike exercise. Take it to the next level. I can't wait to see you in a rascal one day. Yeah, I'm fat. No, when you were talking about being fat man, I was going to be joking, I was going to be joking, but I didn't.

Am I fat? No, okay. Actually, you look pretty good. Yeah, you look good now. Yeah. I don't think you of him. I was going to be going, little one, little one. Little one. Little one. But I didn't. Am I fat? No. Okay. Actually, you look pretty good. Yeah, you look good now. Yeah. I don't think I'm back.

Appreciate it. The sickness did it. Oh, you think so. I think it got you back in shape. Yeah, but I need you. Let's get you COVID every quarter. Okay. I think about it.

I imagine that's a, that's a new trainer's model. He's like, listen, lick a pole. Yeah. Get sick once a quarter. Mm-hmm. That way you don't have to eat less, you just, you know, you'll get sick and you'll be fine. Lose a couple pounds.

Yeah, I just just watched reruns a seven, I saw a bunch of ex files again, I saw cold cases and that's it. Did we watch Barbie? No, not you. No, none of us. I want to see it though. I don't.

I don't think I want to. I don't think I'm going, I think I was going to go and then I saw how many tickets they sold. Good. Do you know how much money Barbie's made? Pull up box office don't think I'm going to. I think I was going to go and then I saw how many tickets they sold. They're good. Do you know how much money Barbie's made? Pull up box office mojo. There's going to blow your fucking mind. It's crushing Oppenheimer.

It is. Which speaks volumes. That says, that tells you, if you really want to know where society is at right now, go ahead and look at the differences of Barbie and Oppenheimer. Barbie's made $700 million worldwide. Oh my god. $774 million worldwide. Oh my God. They're gonna clear a billion without a doubt.

Ju Oppenheimer, what have they made so far worldwide? 400 million, it's crushing it by $300 million. Well, we already know what happens in Oppenheimer. No, we don't. Don't know what happens in Barbie. Yeah, that's true. That is very true. Yeah.

I mean, the color is, I think. Can get to dick at some point in Barbie. Oh, no spoilers, please. Yeah, that's true. That is very... Yeah. I just don't... I mean, the color, I think. Ken gets a dick at some point in Barbie. Oh, no spoilers, please. Sorry, okay. I'll get it. What happened to it? Ken doesn't have a dick. Have you ever seen a Kendall? They have no dick. Yeah, it's just like a triangle. It's just a slope. It's the same as Barbie. What do you mean? It's gender neutral. Oh, if you pulled down, it's little panties. Well, you know, it got panties. I don't know if Ken wore panties, but you know what? New, I would ever, New Age Ken. Whatever he has.

He probably does. Yeah. Did you have Barbies as a kid? Oh, yeah. I had mannequins though. Whoa, a big bar. Well, my, my, because my parents don't know the store. That's so creepy. Did you talk to them? No, but you know, I worry about trouble. Well, because my dad goes, I'll come because Well, because my dad goes, how come? Because there's... So, there's these broken mannequins, right? In the storage room upstairs and one of my dad's stores.

And I remember like we were there all day, my brother and I, and then one day my dad just goes, why upstairs? Uh, my lookin' huh? Why who? My brother and I, what are you talking about?

Right? The whoo-li. You who I stress ill. you talking about? Right? Dehuli! Dehuli, I should say! You know what I mean? Dehuli! Not a big hole. No, I don't know what happened was we tried to do it, but it's like the kind of material it was, we did it too hard.

Yeah, it shattered. It's plastic. Yeah, yeah. My brother and I was just like Like we're gonna railroad just Right in shadow the next one, you know me pop up, but I think we tried Yeah, I know you did yeah You're a good kid You're probably the best yeah, but when I was you know the baby what I do what happened to was a baby though

Mm-hmm my parents were the weak store downtown San Diego. Yeah and there's a crib they put my crib in the mannequin because in Wix stores they don't have the body it's just mannequin heads. Yeah, but all the broken ones right they put like a hundred of them on these shelves in this room but my carriage was in the middle of this fucking room. That's what you turned out.

So as a baby, I would look up, and there was like a hundred, like it was like some sort of, you know, Star Wars Senate. Yeah. You know what I mean? Watching over me. But watching over me. I don't know what was I thinking?

As a baby, do you know what? What were you thinking? That these are all my protectors? That's why you have a God complex. You assume that your parents left you with hundreds of people to watch over you. Wow. Special little boy.

I'm special. I don't think it fucked me out, Dad. Really? Yeah, because he had no bodies. Oh, you have a disconnect to the, oh right, right. There's just a floating heads above me. You think you see people as floating heads, like when you see Liz, you just see a floating head

and not a body. Yeah. Wow. That explains a lot. That does. Yeah. Disconnect from the person. But yeah, what a horrifying way to grow up. Yeah. Frightening.

But maybe you got comfortable in front of audiences. It's kind of like a lot of people watching you. You know, really, be honest with me, I was never afraid of audiences. Yeah, because people were always looking at you. Well, wow. You see the guy, there's a guy, show him the guy that turned into a dog. You know what's going?

Oh my God, that's so weird. You don't know about that. I love to see Asian, though. This man spent 14 grand to turn himself into a border collie. He goes by Toko. Isn't that your nickname for you? Don't you call yourself Toko, something? No, my pain is a toki.

Toki, yeah. Pretty close. Dog, the... Toki, yeah. Pretty close. Dog. Toky the dumb dumb. Wait, if you go to the end, I don't know if you really want to say a wave, you search for it in Instagram, you'll see the video of him walking. There it is. Okay, here we go.

Look at him roll over. Whoa. Carlos. And they had to put Asian music behind it. There he's getting pet. That's so weird, don't. put Asian music behind it. There he's getting pet. So weird. Do you know what's amazing? What?

I want one. You want a Japanese guy dressed as a dog? Yeah. Can we buy one? We've got to get one of these. By the way, how funny is this? Imagine this wasn't this guy in his own emission. This white girl was like, the only way I'll be with you

is if you turn into a dog. Yeah. Like he didn't want it. She's cute too, huh? Kind of, yeah. Yeah. This is weird, but it's not sexualized. There's no fetish part of it.

Mm. He just wants to be a dog. So cute. It's so crazy. Somebody likes eating shit. That is so crazy. He waves, that's not a bad. That's not real. That's not But for real that's I mean, that's not real. Yeah, there's a human being in the costume. Oh, no, that's him for life That's him. He never gets out of that camp. It's permanent. That's not true. You say he goes to work

Huh, you said he goes to work without the as a dog He shows up with a suit or he works at Petsmart. Yeah, you just Yeah, that's smart. Yeah walks around right. Oh, by the way a dog in a suit so cute. Yeah And he meets other dogs. She mean what if if I had to transform into am I a human version of an animal or do I? It's like this you have to transform into something else. I know my point is that if I say cricket, will I go this small? You'd have to.

Okay. What am I done? Uh-oh, okay. Do I still have my mind? Yeah, the laws of the universe exist. This guy still is this guy. Whoever that guy is. Yeah.

Right. So if I ever, I think I would probably, and this is not... Let me say it on the counter three. Let's say it. One, two, three. Sea Otter. Oh, sea otter for sure for me for you.

Really? You look like a sea otter already. I was gonna say dragon. Pfft. What? Does that, oh, that's ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, stop, stop. Well mine was real.

Why dragon? Why dragon? Dragon's not even real. There was no real dragon. Because sometimes like when you're mad You'll be like you just woke the dragon tell me that's not you. That's a hundred percent you. Oh, that's me Yeah, that's what I look at you floating on your back. Yeah, yeah, I mean that's you that's true You're a sea otter. Let's make let's get you a sea otter costume Pete spend 15 grand on sea otter costume for Bobby

Please immediately you got it. I Would be in a rangatang. I'm closer to monkey than you. I don't know a rangatang for you, man. They're vulnerable, they're annoying. Look at that, 100% me. Oh, yeah. That's true. That is true, you.

I mean, I can, but we can never see each other. Why? That's what's sad about it. You think a rangatang can see others can't be homies? Yeah, I mean, a fucking lake. You're in a jungle. I'll come, you think there's no lakes and jungles? That's insane. There's rivers and jungles.

The Amazon river goes through the jungle. Okay, float down the river, dog and come say, What about this then? Yeah. You move to the forest. Oh, I have to move. Yeah, cause I'm not moving to the jungle. Oh my, random river.

It's so funny. Of course, this is crocodile, this is it. Just like this show, I have to move to fit your needs. Oh, that's our fucking bullshit The thing is that you don't have as many predators as I do true. I'm protecting you Nothing's gonna hurt that fat fuck orangutans gonna protect me when they look at me That's me protecting you right there. That's you and all you that's you and your buddies That's you and everyone that lives in your house in the given time. Okay. that's right. That's true. I mean honest. I'll go to the fucking What would what would what would

Just you can yeah if I was a clam would you eat me or would you be my friend? Oh if you were a clam Like you're a clam. Yeah, yeah, and you found me and you were like about to eat me But I was like whoa, it's me. I'm a clam now. I wouldn't eat you. I'd eat everything around you though, your family, everything. I gotta tell you, in the middle of the night, as an orangutan, I would eat her. Oh, you would eat, what do you mean, you would lose food, lose food, lose food. Yeah, look, there's you right there talking to her.

All right. I just would eat, I would just, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I would eat her on accident. Yeah, yeah. This is that to be complaining, like you couldn't fucking pick something with legs. I could carry her on every fucking words. That's that's me. That's kind of cheer

Can we make an animated version of us where you play a sea otter? She's the clam and I'm the rangatang. Yeah, I'm all live in harmony. Yeah, I would love that That's amazing and then you're like why can't you carry look at how big you are? I know and I'm like I've got too much Much I'm tired. Yeah Plus I've been throwing poop all day. My hands are filthy. Yeah. They just throw poop. You know that range?

Throw poop all the time. It'd have to be so mad at you because it's like, you purposely pick something that's going to be in my area. Yeah. I know, but I know it's very similar to real life. Look at that. That is me. That is totally you.

It's 100% me. Yeah. Where? Right there hanging from the rope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is you for sure. Look at them eating and smoking. It's 100% me. Yeah, where? Right there hanging from the rope. Yeah, that is you. That is you for sure. Look at them eating and smoking. That's me.

I like all this. Yeah, look at that. Oh yeah, yeah. What is Carlos? A bald eagle. Yeah, bald eagle. Yeah, he's a bald eagle. But there's a no, there's symbolic for freedom.

Just type in really bald eagle. Yeah. Is there an actually bald bald eagle? Has there ever been a bald bald eagle? Right up to the rip. There you are Carlos. There you are, really bald eagle. There you are, buddy. That's a hundred percent, Carlo. Yeah. That is so fucking funny. That's actually Carlos. Yeah. Look at it. Look at it. It's really bald eagle. Straight from a glory home. What do you stuck his head in? Yeah. Look at his beak. Yeah. Yeah bald eagle. Straight from a glory home. But he stuck his head in.

Yeah. Look at his beak. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He got ripped in that hook. By the way, in this animated series, he is called a really bald eagle. The really bald eagle. Morgan and Morgan. Let me tell you something.

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Who had insurance? How do I get my money? When do I get my money? How my neck hurts? Who am I going to call? You got to call Morgan and Morgan. Call Morgan and Morgan and Morgan and Morgan. I call Morgan and Morgan and Morgan. And what is it? A Morgan Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. The best. We have over 100 offices nationwide

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Do you feel normal post getting sick? Do you feel like everything else has lined up fine? Well last night I had some difficulties at the comedy store. Why did you went up last night? Yeah. Why? Because I felt like a cancel too much. You were sick with COVID. No, I wasn't. No? Seven I felt like a cancel too much. You were sick with COVID.

No, I wasn't. No? Seven days ago I got it. Oh, okay. And also I never tested. Yeah, I know there's a funny assumption. He literally called me and I go, Hey, did you test negative yet?

And he goes, I didn't even test the first time. Right, so who knows? Yeah, I was like, well, how the fuck did you think you had it? I was sick. You could have just said I was sick instead of saying I had COVID. It's more dramatic with COVID. It sure is, with you, yeah. Yeah, you're such a drama. Yeah, I'm it. I was sick. You could have just said I was sick instead of saying I had COVID. It's more dramatic with COVID. It sure is, with you, yeah.

You're such a drama. Yeah, it's a drama. What happened last night at the comedy show? I just kind of lost my way on stage mentally. In the middle of your jokes. Yeah, and then I remember like, you know, sometimes you know, you're performing and in your head, you're like, you just make this realization like, oh,

I'm not connecting with them at all. The audience wasn't good then, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it wasn't, but in my head, I was like, I did something wrong and they started losing like how to say certain jokes and this and that. Really? And I kind of lost my way up there, yeah, a little bit. And you fell, you got off and it felt weird.

Yeah, and then I was also fucking hottest fuck. No, the AC's broken. Yeah, so I was sweating and then I um... I went to Dean Del Rey and I go, I gotta get out of here. And he goes, why, buddy? And I go, I, I, I, I- Come on and stay!

I go, yeah, I go. I think I lost my way up there. I just, I'm feeling embarrassed about it. So I got, and then that fucking guy calls me. Po, Dean? Dean double my 30 minutes later. And I put on speaker, I go, what's up? And he goes, the audience loved you, buddy.

Say something in the whole audience. He did it on stage. That's funny. The whole crowd went, right? Yeah. I'm like, you motherfucker, what do you know what I mean? But. Showing you love.

Yeah. I need help, I think. I think I've lost my way because I am having memory loss. Well, maybe. What else don't you remember? Could I ask you some questions then? Please. Am I still getting collila? Look at me in the face right now.

Yeah. Collila died a couple of years ago, buddy. I hate to do this, I don't, I don't, I hate to say this on the show because it's fucked up. We've already gone through this, but... Collila was, it was an accident. She was riding a massive wave. What?

A massive wave. She was riding a massive wave. I think he's a dick. I didn't know that at all. It's sad about funny because you make that joke every time we do this. Yeah, every time we've done this, you talked about this before. Yeah. Every time we tell you about this, it's like you make the same dick joke. Yeah, every time we've done this we talked about this before. Yeah, every time we tell you about this It's like you make the same dick joke

Yeah, and I should have changed it though. She was riding a wave. I should just say wait Don't say writing. It is kind of funny. Well then when you're we forget again about it. So right? Yeah, yeah She was surfing a dick a Wave Oh shit, yeah, yeah, yeah, and what happened was is she didn't see that there was like a double break, there was two barrels, and two barrels intersected, and there was someone else swimming underneath, and she tried to get out of the way as fast as she could, and he slipped, and he

fucked her to death in the ocean. He fucked her to death. I told you there was a dick. Well, there was, but you can't do that fast. I knew there was a dick of mine. He fucked the shit out of her as they were rolling. Okay. And killed her because she couldn't get up for air.

He was fucking her while they were swirling in the barrel. Oh, okay. He lived, by the way. I completely forgot about that. Yeah, she's gone. What is going on? I was so in my brother, okay? He's really famous right now.

He's the most famous he's ever been, it's insane. He's selling out fucking arenas right now. Really good. Yeah. My brother Steve. Steve is selling out arenas. And because of y'all, your memory fog, he actually replaced him and just like that, he's in the new.

But he took over for you. It's good. He's killing it. He's playing the same part? Yeah, same part. Same name, same everything. Wow, wow. And people, they don't care.

He's up for two Emmys this year. Yeah, he's killing it. He's really proud. Really ripped. So happy for him. Yeah. So happy for him. Well, he went over his speech with Jesse.

He gave her his speech because they do kind of tell you if you're gonna win. He said he was gonna win an Emmy. Uh-huh. And he said he's gonna thank you first. Oh, cool. But he's, anyway, I gotta go to the hospital now. Ha, ha, ha, ha hospital now. Oh, so you remember

you have brain. Yeah, let's do it. Let's now we that's fun in games. That was a nice 10 minute bit. This is the best version of 51st dates I've ever seen. Let me ask you. So let me ask you something guy, right? Did that? What was the original thing? Oh, no, he still doesn't remember. I don't fucking ever remember. I'm so fucking livin'. Hey, what is some of the weird thing? Did you order weird shit while you were sick?

Did you eat a bunch of fucking crazy shit? Did you order stuff all day to the house? Well, I do, it's my normal food runs. You didn't get anything like obscure because you were sick that made you feel good? I mean, I went to, why could I look look at my, I'm sure what I want. I want to hear your ordering history because not knowing that you like to eat out, not being able to leave the house once, what are you looking for, kiddo?

God damn it. It's hitting a bar. I lost it. This memory thing is really striking. I'm doing a different degree. The memory fog is scaring me. What am I looking for? Are you being serious? What was I looking for? Are you being serious?

Yeah, what was I looking for? Your car keys. You were just looking for your car keys. I don't know where they are. Because the show is done, you're going to go home. We said thank you for being a bad friend. Pete just said it. No.

I'm sweating, dude. The fuck is going on. That was a funny episode though. Yeah, that was good. It's really good. The fuck is going on right now, Dad. Two hours is longer than we usually do. My God, yeah.

Oh. By the way, best, actually, most boring M-Night Channel on Twist ever. Yeah, that would have been crazy. It was. Yeah, but anyway, what did I order? Yeah, what'd you order? Let's go back to what I order. What'd you get?

I went to Cohen. Genghis Cohen. Love, Genghis. I thought they closed. No, it's still open, huh? Are they? Oh, no! No!

No! Dude, where did I go? Dude, this is... Holy fuck, are they? Do you imagine if we go down to Genghis Cohen and it's a ghost town down there? Yeah. Whoa, that's completely empty.

Yeah, I would love it so much. That would, I would have lost my mind. Yeah. If I look, I remember ordering it on my app. Have you ever had that when you thought something was a thing and then it's not a thing and you can't believe it's not, like Bernstein bears. Oh yeah, that's what you call it.

That's Mandela effect. Oh, is that, oh. Mandela effect. When you think it's one thing, but it's the other, I'm talking about when you think a thing was there, like you were just there the other day and it's gone. Whoa, yeah. That happened to me when I went back to the old neighborhood

and my solid would, I was literally just there. I remember driving by, going to the store, and then I drove by again in the restaurant that was there, gone, and I was like, that can happen overnight, but it felt like it was packed the night before. It was the weirdest feeling on earth. The chairs were gone, the thing was down. Yeah.

The sign was up close. I still think green blasses open sometimes. That fucks me up. I know, well, I miss it a lot. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I think, I'm gonna go to green bl- is it open and then I go, I don't think it is. I don't know how long it's been closed.

A while. This city, everything fucking opens and closes right away. Speaking of which, I want to open up a restaurant. I'm ready. If you want to invest, can I pitch it to you? Let's go. Geoza. Everybody loves Geoza, right?

Okay, check this out. Well, can we just, can I do it with you or no? Yeah, but can I give you my pitch? But can I, you're pitching me to be a business partner? Mm-hmm. So I get to add my own. Of course. Go ahead.

Geoza, right? Like it get to add my own. Of course. Go ahead. Gioza, right? Like it. You get in line. As you're in line, you pick from three menus. One, the kind of meat, or meatless, two, the flavoring, and three, the sauce. Get ready. I went to a place in Japan that did this.

You pick the meat or meatless, right? That five kinds of meat was like chicken, pork, beef, dog, carne, a pig, something else. Yeah, yeah. And then the second one was flavorings, which was like physical spices or physical, like, you know, it'd be like... Peanut sauce or...

No, no, that sauce is a third. Second one was a dusting, because it was like dustings, right? It's a dusting. You know, like a curry powder powder. I like a powder. Right. So, and the third one is sauces like that. It would be like fish sauce or eel sauce or soy sauce or whatever.

And so what you do is they give you the fucking guils that you want. Let's go to another question though. Listen, they give you the guils that you want. They put the powder, the flavoring in a bag. It's like powder. And then you shake it up and then you get the sauce on the side, and you dip it in, you take it out of the bag that's shaking up, so you create it right there.

You go on with this, this, that. Well. And I did it in Japan, and I was like, how can we don't do that here? Yeah. And it's always to go. We don't have to worry about overhead. Yeah.

It doesn't have to worry about anybody sitting down and needing it to go. Everything is to go. The cut costs, though, since I'm your business partner. Love this. Get rid of the bags. What are they? How do they flavoring it? We do it for them. No, oh, we just give it to them in their hand. Yes, okay, you could shake it like this

I feel like it's not saving enough money, but I like it. What do you mean? How much is a fucking bag? One one 15th of a penny of a cent each bag. So it was saved $3 a day This guy's smart I should never question you again. I could, right? So you have to, we didn't like this. So you just go like this. Right.

And they put it in your hands. Yes. And then you roll it around and just eat it. Right. And do we pour the sauce in your mouth? We don't even let them have sauce to go. Exactly. This is what you're so good to do.

I like this. Right. So you go and you put your hands out like this. Yeah. Right. And they go pork, dog, or chicken, what was it? Pork. And the pork curry, pork yellow curry with fish sauce.

But you said there was dog option earlier. It's always there. All right. So oh, it's like when you go to in and out and you get animal style. That's a secret menu. All right. Secret.

It's actually called animal style. Right, animal style. Oh yeah, animal style. We took that from them. That's funny. Yeah, it goes on animal style. Oh yeah, animal style. We took that from them. That's funny. Yeah, it goes. I go animal style, they stick it in there, then the powder.

Yeah. You're your hand, right? Yeah, what do you want? Like a green curry, a red curry, do you want cinnamon? Yeah. Do you want nutmeg? Nutmeg. Okay.

They throw it in there right? Got it. And then the guy behind the fucking counter goes, close. You're honed, close your hand. Close your hand. You close like this, then you know what I mean? Shake, shake, shake, right? Right.

Open your mouth. Then we have a guy squirt your mouth, right? Yeah. Then you eat it. Perfect. Perfect. Do we have to have a sink for them to wash their hands? No.

Just a bucket. What about a bucket of rain water? They can just dunk their hands in and walk out. Just a bucket. What about a bucket of rain water? They can just dunk their hands in and walk out. Just a bucket. No, something better, you think I'm gonna catch, all right? At the door, there's a hand. Just a guy's hand. No, no.

You know how it sometimes in baseball games or football games, they have that gigantic hand? Oh right, the high five hand. High five hand, we have one like a foam hand. A foam hand and you high five. And that one's a clean. That's a clean. I like this.

Two hands, you go high, you know what I mean? High, high pipe. High pipe. High five, right? And you leave. By the way, can the restaurant be called high five? High five. High five.

High five. What do you guys think? We lose no napkins. No napkins. Right, no plastic bags. Nothing. We're saving wasteful. Right, we're saving waste wasteful right? We're saving the environment so I was exactly where we're doing. It's a really good. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we should open a restaurant

You really do I 100% would do this kind of say something like you was David Yozark. Yeah, the pizza place. I finally want that What do you mean is it good? I went there is a it. Is it good? Let me see your part opinion first. Okay, I thought it was good except it's way too much Parmesan. Oh man, I love Parmesan. The crust is like Parmesan and crisp.

I really like Parmesan. That's a tough self. Here, it was too much dough, not enough to red sauce. Well it's called Dobrik's pizza. I mean the whole thing. I know, I just, it's huge. Like a cake, really. The bride.

Let's do bad friends pizza then. You think so? We could open it next to his. Oh, it's so fun. I'll follow that. Let's take over Saddle Ranch. Have a fucking order. Keep the bowl though.

Yeah. Actually, the bowl is how you shake up our, our Gioza. I think Gioza's perfect because it represents you and me. Let's do we do you a high pipe there. High pipe. We do a high pipe next to Doolbrook. 100 we do use a high pipe there. High pipe. We do a high pipe next to the door, bro. 100% I'm so down to do this. Okay.

Do it where the old cigarette store used to be. Yeah, okay. Yes. Dude, by the way, since we talked last time about that, I got an in-home massage again. Okay. And I asked her if I could get naked this time because we talked about this before.

Yes. And I said, hey, do you hate it when clients get naked and she goes, what? No. Oh. You can get naked. What do you mean? when clients get naked? And she goes, what? No. Oh. You can't naked. What do you mean? Of course.

It's privacy. Yeah, yeah. She goes, no, no, no, that's not unusual. I say, oh, my- Was she attractive? Um, you know, I think about her in a professional sense, not in that sense. Oh! Oh!

Whoa! No, no, no, no, no. She, but- Nine or ten. No jokes, no, all jokes aside. She is a, she is a, uh, yeah, but- Nine or 10. No jokes, no jokes aside. She is a, she is a, yeah, I mean, in the sense of like, I'm not attracted to her, but she's an attractive woman. Hobbin, hobbin, hobbin. No.

No. No. That's what I heard. But I get, I get, I mean, I'm very much not attracted to her. I don't wanna be, I'm not trying to be mean. Yeah, here's a thing. I'm not attracted to her, she's like, I know you though. I know you. Well, I do not know you be mean. I'm not attracted to her. I know you though. I know you.

You wanna know you? Yes, sure. You know me, right? Yeah. So let me ask you something. Because the theory is flawed. I get naked for, I get naked for anybody who massages me. Which is hear me.

It doesn't mean like I pick who I get naked for a massage. I like it. You'll come to this particular one though, isn't offended because she's not attractive. Honestly, I get naked for every massage. I don't discriminate. I don't care. They say dress to your comfort level. My comfort level is...

What about like a foot massage? I still get naked. That's crazy. Well, it's a massage. Okay, so if I'm... When I get a manicure, when I get a manny petty, I sit in that chair butt naked. With my dick out and my balls out.

Can you move, Ed? I just get up. I go for a manny petty. I'm just sitting there with my cock out and my balls out. Can you have a head just, I just get up, I go for a manipeddy, I'm just sitting there like, oh my god god. Wonder what my hand, wonder what rubbing my feet and she's saying to the other girl. Yeah.

Yeah. My his dick's a small. Yeah. But if I was a misoger, yeah, I'm a Zeus. I'm a Zeus. Yeah guy. Why do you have, why?

Oh, that's a, why? Oh, you would. I am, yes I'm like, hey. Hey. Get naked. You got it. And you would have a problem. Why would I care?

You're a professional masseuse. It's your job to be professional. I assume you're going to stay professional in this professional place that we're in. Okay, so you're on the chair. Yeah. Your face is in the doughnut hall. You start eating my ass.

Yeah, what would you do? I'm not snitching. You literally wouldn't say anything. Of course I would say something. What would you say? Down to the left. Yeah, it's a, oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. You wouldn't go, I'd go, is a taint, is a, is taint an add-on or is that included? So you wouldn't be a, so if anyone touched you in a sexual way, you wouldn't say anything. Well, no, I would say something. But you wouldn't press charges. I don't think you in a sexual way. You wouldn't say anything. Well, no, I would say something. But you wouldn't press charges. I don't think I would press charges either.

Well, unless it was like, look, if it was an accident, but if she's just like, if it was just like grabbed my dick, yeah, I would just be like, I wouldn't press charges but I'd be like, hey, hey, come on, what do you, I don't want that. But you would still continue with the massage. Well, yeah, I want my back to, my back to it. I know. I fucking back her.

Okay, so if you got a massage and someone grabbed your genitals, right? Yeah, make up a word. Uh-huh. You stumbled, you really grabbed your, Langola now? Your Langola. Okay, yeah. So, somebody grabbed your Langola.

Somebody grabbed your Langola, okay. Langola. Right. And it is long. And you go stop. Would you finish the massage or would you press, what would you do? Be real. If it's a guy, if it's a guy, it's obviously sexual assault.

If it's a girl. It's a girl I'm getting out. See? Really? See, she's gonna get off. And then I'll get the rest of the massage. But even me as a guy, even it was a guy or a girl and they touched my generals, I wouldn't press charges

and I probably would finish the massage. If a guy grabbed your dick aggressively, you'd want it to stop. Let me think. Like he's like this? Okay, so I'm like... You're sl- yeah, there you are. You're resting. Am I on my back?

Of course. No, you're on your stomach and he's grabbing your dick. Oh, oh, it's on my side. And through, I'll like a tail. No, your cock is sideways. Yeah, you're laying on it. And he's pulling it from the side. All right, so I'm on my side. And through, I'll like a tail. Your cock is sideways. Yeah, you're laying on it. He's pulling it from the side. All right, so I'm laying down like this, right?

Okay, so I'm laying down like this, right? Yeah. Reach is under. Right, what is hands at? Whoa! Right, I would be like, sir, please don't let go. Please don't let go. He's a guy.

Is my tip gonna be good? It's gonna be a great tip. Gently put it down. There you go. Thank you. Because you were like, pop! Yeah, yeah.

Now hit those shoulders, baby. Yeah, so what I would do is I would like, don't stretch my dick again. Right. That hurt a lot. I've never gone to one of those massage parlors. I have no interest in them. No, I've never either.

I've never been to a happy ending. Carlos did. I know Carlos has. Three thousand times. Three thousand times. I'll tell you why I don't like it. Why? Among the obvious reasons.

But. Huh. Remember, I've never been to a masseuse. Only the milking table and escorts. Oh, yeah, that's okay. Sorry, he's fucking. Sorry about that. Yeah, I just wanted to avoid you.

Yeah, thanks for the clarification. I swear, you're right. And we're wrong, actually, we're wrong. And I'm sorry. I don't know, I've never been grazed. I've never been touched inappropriately. I've gotten semi-hard once, and I was a little embarrassed. I was getting massaged and my, my weiner got a little hard because I was a little embarrassed. I was getting massaged and my weiner got a little hard because I was fading into that sleep and I kind of was having, you know what I mean?

It was a male or female masseuse. It was a guy. Oh cool. Yeah. Amazing. And he was like, he's like, oh, you got a little hard there. He said that. He said that out loud. And I said, little hard, I'm full. And he said, right, we call those little hearts. He bullied me.

He bullied you. And then my dick went soft right away. So he bullied me. I didn't get hard. It was a, it was a, it was a female masseuse actually. And I started like, get worried about it. Oh, I see. Like I was on my stomach, thank God.

I wasn't on my back. And I was like, oh my God, why am I, I was like, don't, don't stop. Yeah. Cut it out. But I asked one time, a friend who's massage therapist and she said it happens. It happens. Yeah.

It was just get hard. What can you do? That girl from the Sam Tripoli shows, she does, she does, Mrs. massage in the back. Yeah. Dude, she's good. Joy, I learned that.

Joy, yeah. She's really good. Yeah, she's very good. My right shoulder hurt so bad before a show and she did, she did something, but it really helped. Yeah, she's right shoulder hurt so bad before a show and she did she did something but it really helped how hard did you get My shoulder no, you're did you get an erection? No, I do know oh, I don't know they do say it happens though I was in bear I was embarrassed, but they do say it happened so it made me feel like oh, okay? This isn't like the first time I feel like because you guys can't control your boners, right? I can well

Oh the way he's somehow like you. I would argue you have less control now than ever. I've complete control. Get a boner right now. There's no way I could. Right now. Okay. Ready?

Can I play with myself? No, no, no, please God. No, no, no. Yeah, not on the show. I can't do it spontaneously. Yeah, like crying. No, yeah, it on the show. I can't do it spontaneously. Yeah, like crying. No, that's like crying, right? I can do it accidentally.

You still get accidental boners? At night when I'm asleep for in the morning, sometimes I'll be like, why am I erect right now? Yeah, yeah. But I mean, you won't get a boner. But I'm out of nowhere. I wasn't thinking about a woman.

You're not gonna be a Jersey Mike's and get hard. Yeah, no. Although, that is a good sandwich. So funny. I just went there today. I know you did. I can smell it on you. Are you being real?

You smell like Jersey Mike's. Whoa. It's a very obvious smell. Jersey Mike's. Really? Yeah, I can smell it. That's insane. Did you get a Mike's way?

I did it because my friend told me you never get in Mike's way delivered. And I go, why? Because the oil and vinegar of soggy's it up. Doggies it up. That makes perfect sense. It depends on how long the distance is. So I did it once. I go, I, because we had an argument about it and I go,

you're fucking wrong, man. Those fucking puns and that bread is tough. She's right, isn't she? She was fucking right as fuck. So the bottom was uneed at edible. The soggy boggy. So I, today I got two sandwiches, no oil and vinegar.

Why, just in case you got two or you ate both. No, I save one for my night munchies. Beauty pie. I always have something in the fucking chamber. Just in case. Either chili or something or yogurt and granola. Yeah, I have chili and yogurt. And at the same time oatmeal sometimes. That's a healthy snack. I'd like to see that more at night. You know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you think, what do you think she wakes up in the middle of the night and needs? I know. Chocolate covered crickets. Why was not that?

Insects, chocolate covered insects. Look at her. No. Yeah, yep, yep. I was thinking like ants is something. Oh, chocolate covered ants. I was going more like tofu. Chocolate covered tofu?

No, just tofu in general. Who the fuck is eating anything non-sweet in the middle of the night? I mean, sweets when I'm waking up in the middle of the night. Really? I want sweets. I don't want like a fucking meal. I do. I want like a French dip. Yeah, there we go.

There we go. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah, you keep on that train, dude. You're gonna fucking. I know. But I haven't had breakfast in years.

Well, because you miss it. It's you, it's you, it's you, it's you. That's right. I miss it. I miss it. Yeah. You can't wake up at two. I miss breakfast. You miss breakfast.

And that's a very, that's double layered. You miss it because you miss it. Oh, wow. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You miss it because you miss it. Oh, wow. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, I miss it because I miss it, yeah. I never miss it, I love breakfast. It's my favorite meal. Yeah. I have an eating lunch, don't care. Yeah, just like a, you know, the baked bean thing.

They could be about, oh my God. Love it so much, I love it. You never cook yourself. You never cook yourself? See, she has an asian accent. Oh, it's an asian Arizona. Right, yeah, yeah. Yeah. What did you say?

What? So, you heard the question. Yeah, I can't, you can cook. I feel like you would love cooking. You love food so much. Yeah, I don't like cleaning though. No, God. That's why I have three juicers,

but I haven't used any of them in years because. I think you have four juicers here. Yeah. It's pretty good.. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. Yeah. But cleaning those things is a nightmare.

Just throw them out. Get a new one. I just keep throwing them out. Buy one, throw it out. Wow. Yeah, yeah. But have you ever tried to clean one of those? Yeah.

It's just like the carrot carcass. I have our blender. I don't even like the fuck, I have one of those, what are they? The Nutrible It. No, no, the one that cuts through fucking like humans. I thought that was Nutrible It. Will it blend, you know that show Will it blend?

Oh yeah. What's Will it blend? What are those called? What's the name of the blender? We have that blender. Blend tech. We have one of those, it's like crazy strong. You could fucking, have you ever seen this guy? Whoa. This guy's funny. He's like, I pad. Will it, he'll

like throw a fucking iPad in there? Watch this. Also, he has the best blender. Pretty good blender. Look at that. Turn. Do you have that blender? Yeah. Turns it into dust. That was one tough pad. How do I know that that's McCone's uncle? You know what I mean? How do I know that that's McCone's? I gotta get one of those. Blendtack, dude, you can blend anything. Yeah, yeah.

But I- You gotta rinse it immediately. You do have to rinse it out right away. I just put it right in the sink with hot, soapy water. I'm gonna buy one today. Buy one today. Because I want to blend. I got Kava.

No, Kava, Kava. What, um, I don't know what you're trying to say. I'm I'm gonna try to get there Let's try. Yeah, yeah Kava no kava. Yeah, it's a cup. It's like it. It's the new. Yeah, it's the new Let me see if I can get there. He has no idea. It's a powder. Yes. Yeah, what's it like the pollinesians or the islanders drink It's like their alcohol. It's no no, no, that's not that that's what I'm talking about What's the prank? Oh, I was like, what's that? alcohol. No, no, not that one. That's not what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. What's the prank on this? I was like, what's that?

Do you find out you're not sober anymore? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm going to lose weight. So I've been using tap water and the powder. And it just clumps into these balls. It tastes terrible. It's got to eat those balls, baby. So let me ask you something. If I get a blender, it'll break it up. Yeah, but what do I put in it? So I put powder.

How about some ice? Ice, maybe a little vanilla flavoring or peanut butter maybe. Or it could put some blueberries. For a blueberry banana. I can put bananas in it. Peanut butter, ice, what else is good? Maybe a little vanilla flavoring or peanut butter maybe or could put in blueberries. For it would be a blueberries banana. I can put bananas in it. Peanut butter, ice, what else is good?

Vanilla ice cream? Maybe a splash of some kind of dairy product like milk or or okay, okay. So you think that'll work? I mean it'll help smooth it out for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you make a smoothie, but are we teaching you how to make a smoothie?

Yeah, that's what I wanna make. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally what the ingredients are. Okay, okay, all right, I didn't know. You're gonna be our smoothie king. Or just go to smoothie king. You can get? Yeah, that's what I wanna make. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally what the ingredients are. Okay, okay, all right, I didn't know. You're gonna be our smoothie king, or just go to smoothie king. You can get it there, that's better. I know.

You can get it there, that's better. I know. This is the point. If you got the money, there's places out here that make them so good. There's so many good smoothie joints. Yeah. Well, I'm excited.

The reason I brought up Austin is I'm excited I'm gonna play Joe's Club for the first time. That's great. I am excited to go down there and see the club. Yeah, they asked me. I said, I'll do it next year. Why'd you say you want to take a year? Not ready? Yeah, I will do it next year. We've been on a road a lot. We're going to go back in the fall. I know. It's going to be exciting. And then? What? Vegas, maybe. Vegas, maybe. And on top of that. And I said, we got offered to go to Europe. No. Yeah, we did. London. Yeah, I got

to hit up with Australia about should we do that to or no? I think we should do everything. And then she's not English. She's going to get to go. We're going to decide if you're going to you know, you know what you did to him earlier is going to yeah, that's a problem. I'm being real. I told you it affected me and you said you it didn't affect you. That's true. But it did. It affected me. Yeah, it affected us. I know. It affected us. I know.

I think we're going so good. Yeah. Yeah. So who do we bring? You know, Ali Mack. Ali Mkowski. Yeah, we should bring Ali Mack on the road. She's open for you guys before.

Yeah, she's great. Yeah, she's great. She's really funny. She's great. You know what she does, and too. Very likable. Well, to see you and sabotage. That's right. Yeah, yeah.

She lives in a cool place. Very clear. You know. I almost pulled a Bobby Lee the other day by the way. Which is what? I almost bought a pair of shoes like you, the way you do shoes. Where?

A rip off, you know, your golden shoes. Yeah, where, where, where. At the bloomies. Why don't you do it? I just couldn't pull the trigger on something so silly. How much was it? They're like 600 bucks. Golden goose?

Yeah. But you wanted them. There was a pair like them. There wasn't Golden goose. I don't know the brand. Yeah. But I looked at them and I laughed. Why?

You should treat yourself to a pair. That's great. Why? About a bean bag for $900 coming tomorrow. Like a love sack? I don't know what it is. I saw it on Instagram. You bought a $1,000 bean bag for $900 coming tomorrow. Like a love sack? I don't know what it is. I saw it on Instagram. You bought a $1000 bean bag.

On Instagram. Like a $100. What, do you sit in it? I don't know what it does, but it's like, it's cute. So it's a salmon. Yeah. So an Instagram ad got you and was like, It gets me every time, dude.

I have all kinds of stuff. This guy looks like a bean bag. He'll buy it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna buy a bean bag. Already did. Wow. Yeah. Are you buying all sorts of shit from Instagram?

Yeah. Really? A lot. What else? I get a lot of clothes for sure. They've got you then. They're really hummin. Is most of your Instagram than ads? Is it a lot of ads? It's mostly ads.

Do you have ads? Yeah, yeah. I have like almost no ads. Once in a while I'll get an ad. You have great products on Instagram. And they cater to you. I know. It just makes me uncomfortable

that I'm supporting the fucking the chaos. I know, but it's like, you let them in your house. I know, but you have, you know, Imogen and Willie is a great for t-shirts. Imogen and Willie. I've never heard of them. The man. This is Imogen and Willie is a great t-shirts. Imogen and Willie? I've never heard of them.

The math. This is Imogen and Willie. It is, it's gotta be on there. It is on there. But my point is, is that's all I'll buy this. They got you. And the more we talk about it, the more I'm gonna get an ad for it on my phone now too.

I want you. Yeah, now I'm gonna get one. So that aviornation and probably made war in the larger t-shirts, like, So those are the ads that pop up when you buy them. Yeah, yeah, and then furniture now And you're buying for your right. Yeah, beanbag start with beanbag. You're gonna start you'll be doing beds You should in no time is willing else is still alive. Yeah, he is he just had his birthday party at the Hollywood Bowl Wait really? Yeah, why why didn't we go?

He's 90 years old. Oh my god. Would you smoke, I would let you crack your sobriety if we got invited to hang out with Willie Nelson. I'd let you smoke a joint with him. But I'd have to take you home with me afterwards and stay with you. I would, no, I would do shrooms with him too.

No. Yeah, yeah, let's do the whole thing. He's like, I would do a coconut. Yeah, let's do coax your coconut. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're gonna give me one night with him, you gotta let me do everything Can you imagine we go backstage really Nelson? He's drinking like a little croix. I don't want to smoke man

Yeah, he just wants his night off Do you ever think Snoop just wants a day off when someone's like yo, the smoke does blunt You ever think he's like guys. I don't want to get high right now. Yeah. I've been doing this way too much for too long I'm tired. Yeah, I'd like to knock it stoned. No. You think he's down all the time? Yeah. That's what he's to me. He'll die if he do. He stops. Right. Like when the alcoholics get the shakes and stuff. Like I saw a guy last night. We were bowling the other night and a guy got out of his car and it was like a plume of weed smoke. And then like a little girl, you know, there's a group of people and a little girl was like, Uncle and she started running out to him. He's like, hey, baby girl. And he picked her up. And he was

just, I mean, like, she got stoned. She was like, enshrouded in fucking weed. And I remember being a guy who always smoked weed going to places. Yeah. And I just, I thought I don't miss that anymore because the anxiety of showing up really fucking high just does not appeal to me anymore. I don't want to show up to like an event ripped out of my head. I used to fucking love it. It's like it disappear. But now I'm like, oh, I'd be thinking about too much. And also because we're a little bit known

people are staring at me. You're pretty healthy though. In terms of, you're very moderate. Everything's in moderation with you. I'm not trying. I mean, I try. No, I look at you, you're very healthy. I try. You exercise.

We're in the row. You're always like, I'm, I did a hike, or, you know, I live here. You know why? You know why? You know why? Because I'm not as blessed as you when it comes to you can, you're 52. Yeah. 51. when it comes to you can you're 52 yeah 51 you barely exercise and you're alive

if I did your lifestyle I would be alive to I'd be dead no you'd be alive to I would be fucking 500 pounds if I lived your life if I ate a sandwich at midnight your little midnight snack if I had a fucking Jersey Mike's at midnight yeah I'd be fucking 800 pounds because I would do Jersey mic set midnight, I'd be fucking 800 pounds. Cause I would do it all the time. Oh. I'd be, it's like there wouldn't be a night throughout the week. I didn't like a pint of ice cream.

I'd laugh at. I'd get the gallon and I'd smoke it. Yeah, I don't do ice cream anymore. Off. Yeah, yeah. This is my point. Yeah. Once I go down that path, it's over.

Okay. Chalk, I can't even, if I buy a bag of chocolates, I mean, the whole fucking thing. Yeah. I'm not, why would I stop? Peanut butter cookies is what I eat at night, too. I can't even, if I buy a bag of chocolates, I mean, the whole fucking thing. Yeah. I'm not, why would I stop? Peanut butter cookies is what I eat at night too. I would wreck a bag. Okay. Do you eat the whole thing? Yeah. You see what I mean? I bet that'd be fat dead if I was you. Yeah, drink all the milk. It's great. Drink it with all the milk. Yeah. So good. Is that regulate the, is that

curb your fat, do you think? Yeah, man. Yeah, I, you know that regulate the, does that curb your fat? You think? Yeah, man. Yeah, I, you know, but I think I'm getting a lot of weight. You're not. You look, I am. No, you look the same. Thank you. Liz, what do you think?

How does he look? I think you look great. Thank you. Oh, that's a fucking cracker. Liz, stop, stop. I think you look great. You look great today. You're glowing.

You're glowing. You're glowing. I think you look great. You look great too. You're glowing today, Bob. You're a glor. Yeah. You're a glor? I've been watching cold cases though. And you know what bones me about cold cases? Sometimes they kick like because of DNA now, they'll catch some guys. Some guy that's 85.

They'll show up to their house. You know, you know, in 1968, you know what I mean? You left this little sperm, you know, I mean, sperm inside this lady. Yeah. And now we got you. And the 85 was like, all right, I have a year left, who the fuck?

You done. There's no satisfaction. He's gonna die in the way to the fight. Yeah, he doesn't give a fuck. What would you rather than happen? Have it to do the DNA and the 60s, technology. Oh, so go back in time and get better technology. Get better technology back in time.

That makes sense. My point is it's not fair, man. It'd be fun if they just killed them on the spot. Right. It's like the cold case, cream reaper. Oh, that's safe. What if they did that? What if they did this?

Here's a sperm back. They gave it back in. Yeah. Yeah. He sticks it back in his dick. I just think if they can, if you committed a crime 40 years ago. I have an think if you committed a crime 40 years ago. I have an idea. You committed a crime 40 years ago, they find your sperm.

They take your 80 now, the guy who committed the crime. Take the sperm, you clone it, you get their son, and then you put their son in jail for life. This is a black mirror episode. That's in, whoa, that's a black mirror, but that's such a good episode. The son didn't do it. He's paying for the crimes of his father. It's a black mirror, but that's such a good episode. The sun didn't do it. He's paying for the crimes of his father. It's a different.

So they're saying, would you care? Listen, if saying be good in this life because you're affecting others' lives, it's metaphor for how you treat everybody in the current life. Your life now can affect others' butterfly effect. You can place your son in jail by being a criminal.

But my point is, I love this. But Andrew, check this out. But I still like mine when they committed a crime, they show up to you and they shoot you right now. Yeah, that's it. That one's fun. I give back the sperm, that's my thing. Nah, that's you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But check this out, what? You lost this in the 60s. We found inside of a china. Oh, thank you. I was looking for that. Yeah. How is she?

But yeah, those co-cases are wild, you know. Well, it's insane that they can go that, I mean, dude, look it, you speak in the most notorious co-case. They just found more evidence for Tupac. Did you see all that shit? What do you mean? What do you mean? Among the item, Sub-I Investigator, Computer Laptops articles about Tupac and his death. Evidence cases now being presented in Las Vegas, Grand Jury.

No charges of infallible investigation is expected to continue for weeks to months. They found a bunch of new evidence from the Tupac case. They who killed them? Today, yeah. Wow. Home search, Tupac and Tupac weren't in Vegas. Police searched a home in the Las Vegas area on Monday night and a long dormant murder case

of hip hop legend Tupac Shakur. So they found a bunch of shit that might tip them off to maybe finding some more shit out. But apparently the guy that killed Tupac's dead, right? Isn't he dead? Didn't they say that? I thought he'd done it. Shot though, right? No, he'd they kissed him to death. And he was like, I would that guy shit and then the mom's crazy mom. Wow, to this day two pox of course killer remains a mystery. Ah, suspect whenever I thought for

some reason they said they did see. Anyway, look, yeah, they've got all this new evidence for this guy. And that's the, oh, that case is what? 30 years ago now. How many? He died in 97. Seven or eight? Yeah, 90s. That's crazy, man.

So crazy. Dude, honestly, if somebody killed me, how long would you search for the murder? Honestly. Bobby. How much time would you spend? What do you mean spend? No, no, no, no, I want to be clear.

Oh, my fucking god. What do you mean by spend? You know what I fucking mean by spend. No, because here's, will I be thinking about it? Thinking about it? All the time. I think about my dead grandmother. Right, so check it out.

So I've been watching all these cold cases. Yeah. And what happens is there's always somebody to keep it alive. A warm case. Right, to keep it a warm case. Right, so you need somebody to call everyone so well, the police and go, what's the new evidence? What are you guys doing?

Would you do that for me? I'll have Melanie do it. You're your fucking assistant? Yes. You can't even book you a flight at the time. I understand that. That woman fucks battery. But every once in a while, I'll have Melanie do it. You're your fucking assistant. Yes, he can't even book you a flight. I understand that. That woman fucks battery. But every once in a while, I'll call Melanie go.

So what's up with that? What's his name again? Andrew. The Andrew thing. No, I'll go, you know, the Andrew thing. She's like, yeah, I emailed him six months ago. By the way, she didn't even, you know, she forgets the email. That's all that's all I know.

How long would I in her in her? I would go all the way, dude. I like Melanie, I'm just kidding. I would get, it would consume me. I mean, that would, I would quit comedy. To find my killer? Oh yeah, my whole life would be that. Here's our other, this place right here,

would be just like one of those fucking beautiful mind offices, with like lines connected. When this line's connecting and me fictoring for you, would you be there? Oh yeah, I'd quit comedy, We'd be like disgruntled. Who do you think did it out of our crew? Cause someone, it's always someone from the inside. Isn't it though, right?

Don't they find out like the number one? It's always someone from the inside. Who did it? Who did it? Who done it? Doc. Oh. Doc did it.

He killed you, dude. That little bit. I'm sorry man, but that joke you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I think Bryce would, yeah. He's quiet, he's quiet. Right, Bryce, for sure. I'm assuming. Yeah, yeah. By the way, Carlos was there smoking a cigarette, watch it happen. He's shit.

Yeah, yeah. He's like, oh man, that's fucked up. You know what I mean? That's all he would do. Look at that. Hey, I killed Andrew Santino. I'm not gonna murder her. Oh, obviously, does that guy kill me?

He obviously kills me. Yeah. Sometimes when he talks to me, I think he might think about, he's thinking about killing me when he speaks to me. The least believable person killed me is, I think Pete would kill me. Yeah. Sometimes when he talks to me, I think he might think about, he's thinking about killing me when he speaks to me. The least believable person killed me is I think Pete would kill me. Because that's the last person people would think. Well, it's great because yeah, no one would think so.

Yeah, yeah. But why did you kill me, Pete? Yeah, why Pete? Oh, sometimes I get a little frustrated. With what? You know, and he, the heat of the moment. Yeah. You know, and maybe stab you,

you know, time and then black out and go, oh, what happened? Thought about it. He's thought about it. Oh, no, no, no, no. Yeah, he's just an area. That's a hundred percent. That's a hundred percent.

He's thought about it. Because remember the Force Awakens? Yeah. Right. Remember the Porx? Yeah. You remember the Porx, right? What was that other creature?

That's a liquid milk. Is that, does that pee? That's Pete's body. Wow. I'll tell you who it actually is. I've wanted a milker chance before. I'll tell you who that, like, who would actually kill everybody in this room. Yeah, I don't know if you're going to go find the guy.

Get a milking. What? There's Pete. That's Pete's body. That's why he's going to kill it. Yeah, that's Pete's body. That's why he's gonna keep it. That's why he's gonna keep it. Yeah, that's why he's gonna keep it. That's why he's gonna keep it. Is that you on vacation?

He's on vacation. Yeah. Just, there he is. How funny would be to post? I never read this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's funny. That's a wild stuff. How funny would be to post that on your Instagram

and just be like, hey, made it to Italy. Just, just, just on the beach. Look at him. Look at Pete. All right, so check it out. Maybe we'll go to Europe in the new year. Maybe we'll go to Australia. Maybe we have a Vegas friend come. We have all sorts of fun stuff that we're trying to come up with. Yeah. But we'll see, baby. It's gonna be great.

Hey. Yeah. Thank you for being a Pat friend. Even more than that. I love you. I am gonna miss you when I move to Austin. You're not moving there. Do you want to come with me when I go visit?

No. All right. Anyway. I'm going to go visit you. I move to Austin. You're not moving there. Do you want to come with me when I go visit? No. All right. Are you going to, anyway? Thank you for being a bathroom. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo!