Bad Friends - An Alligator and a Robbery

Episode Date: May 31, 2021

New Merch Out Now! https://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors:  https://www.betterhelp.com/badfriend & http://hellotushy.com/badfriends & https://www.meundies.com/badfriends & https://joinhoney.com/badfriends YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Andrew's Time in Texas 6:37 Bobby goes out with David Spade & Tim Dillon while Rudy is in Vegas 12:18 Pat Mahomes and a Lost Phone 19:42 Bobby's Rules with his Openers 26:16 Joe Rogan's reaction to Santino being late 29:30 Bobby Takes Joe Rogan and Joey Diaz to a Strip Club  36:46 The Robbery in La Jolla  39:49 Rudy's Time in Las Vegas 43:20 Bobby and Andrew are Carp 47:27 Mexican Names 54:16 Bobby Discovers He Is Shorter Than He Claims 57:46 Eric Andre's Parties 59:33 Game Time w/ Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino 1:04:00 Fancy B and Pete Get in Trouble  More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something. We're bad friends. Anchor. If you haven't heard about anchor,

it's the easiest way to make a podcast. It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please. It's free. Awesome. That's cool. These are, there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer. You can do it from your phone like on the go.

Oh my God. That's cool. And on the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool. Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many, many, many, many, many more. Many, many more. Go ahead.

You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? The free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. I want to break free.

I want to break free. I want to break free from my life and I don't know what to do no more. I want to break free. Oh God. Oh my God. How was it? You had fun? I had fun.

I went to Texas. It was good? I know. It was so fun. It was so fun. Addison is great. Yeah. Do they still have my photo up on the hallway?

It took it down. Joe Koi's up there now. I actually asked. I said, is Bob in the hallway? And she goes, it's Joe Koi's up there now. No, Joe Koi was always there. They had another photo of me out there. It's another one of Joe Koi.

So they have two Joe Koi's on the hallway. Oh, fuck. Well, I had to get back there then. They said they miss you. It's been too long. That's literally what they said. Did they really take my photo off? I don't know.

We're going to have to go back and see. Did they take my photo off? You're going to have to go back and see. You're going to break my heart. I didn't do it. Because I know that three weeks ago some other comic was there and they said that my photo was still up there. Something changed.

Something changed because I did not. It was not up there. Joe Koi had two up there and Ralphie May was up there. Oh. And he's. Well, he takes up a whole wall. It's a whole wall. It's one side.

He takes up a whole wall. So how have my kids been? Go ahead. Missing you? Did you miss me? Yeah. We were missing you. I missed you guys.

I sent you a video on stage. I FaceTime you on stage. All the Addison crew. By the way, the number one question I got asked on the road at the very end, because I said no meet and greets. We can do a little Q&A and the number one question. Hands down was is Rudy leaving? I shit you not.

Well, I have an update for you. Yes. She said to me the other day and it was a little confusing. She goes, I did the puppy. Yeah. She goes, I don't think I think I'm going to do community college and I go, really? For two years. I go, why?

Because I want to stay on the bed friends. Did you really say that, rude? He asked me first where I was going and then I said I was thinking of going to community college. Well, you know, at the end of the day, though, look what you get. All right. You don't. You get 3,000 Instagram followers.

You get to sleep. Okay. You get to sleep on the hill, which is so nice. You know, people of your stature and age and color, well, I should have led with that. You know, people of your color, they don't get to sleep on the hill. Yeah. On the in the hills. You know, I had to write a letter to Gavin Newsom.

I wrote a letter to Gavin. I go, Mr. Mayor. Was it governor? It's either or. Either or. I call him Newsy. Yeah. I call him Newsy.

You do. We're close. We're very close, right? Wow. I said, I said, listen, I have a half human, right? Quarter maybe. Yeah. Quarter human.

Quarter human. And half a quarter other. I don't know. I don't know what to say. And then I said, she's from the, an island. She's going to be living. Can she live in? He goes, no, no.

We don't have those in the hills. I get that. I go, please, and I said, why don't I go up to Sacramento, because it's where he was at the time. Oh, yeah, right. I'll suck your dick. Do you offer that to go? Yeah, I'll suck your dick to get it right.

You know what? I sucked his dick. You did. I sucked. And his winery? I sucked Gavin Newsom's dick. You went to his winery. Yes.

And you had a little chablis. Chablis. And swung it around. Well, I'm sober. So he got a de-alkalized. De-alkalized one. De-alkalized? De-alkalized.

Well, you put a cock in that. Right. But they took out the alcohol. It was so easy. So she could live in the hills? Yeah. And then I said, well, also I wanted coffee, so give me some coffee, you can put your cream in there.

Right. So Gavin went right into the coffee, I drank it, after sucking his dick, right? And he goes, I will allow her to live in the hills. So that's number one I did for you. That's so huge. Number two, you have your own bedroom, right? She doesn't have her own bathroom, though. She does.

What? Yeah. I don't even have my own bathroom. You have your own bathroom, your own shower? You have your own shower? Yeah. How many people did you have to share a shower with when you were in the Philippines? Seventy?

Seventy-eighty. Right? Jesus. Right? So let me ask you this, too. Wow. How much do you pay rent? Zero.

Yeah, exactly. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Zero, zero? Zero, zero. Yeah. Nothing. Well, okay.

That aside, what about like electric bills or internet or television or all that? Zero. Zero. Okay. That aside, what about like taxes? You know, like property taxes, which are very, very expensive here. Very expensive. Zero.

Zero. Okay. So you're stocking the home with all sorts of miscellaneous stuff like toilet paper or paper towels? I sometimes buy vegetables. She'll get McDonald's. She'll buy, she'll buy McDonald's. Vegetables!

Yeah. She'll buy McDonald's sometimes. Okay. You've bought, you've bought... 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven, she'll get. No, a big baller over there. Right, a big baller.

Wait, what do you get from 7-Eleven for the house? Chips. Chips for the house or chips for you? For me. Okay. So again, this doesn't add up to the total of... I buy vegetables. What vegetables are you buying?

There's another thing that she does that drives me crazy. Broccoli. I'll go like... How much is broccoli? Go ahead. I'll go to her. I'll go, hey, I'm going to order dinner for myself. I'm going to go to Morton's, right?

Yeah. Do you want me to order you something? And she always goes, no, you could just do it on your own. I'm just going to eat, you know what I mean, whatever, you know what I mean, she doesn't take my... But she could be having meat and potatoes. You could have steak. You could have filet mignon.

You don't want it? No. No. It's wasteful. Yeah. I just want eggs. That's all she eats. You just want eggs.

And rice. She eats eggs and rice, and that's all she eats. All day. What'd you have for breakfast? Eggs. No. What'd you have just now? Three-day-old...

No, breakfast! Eggs. Oh, a four-day-old pizza. And then for lunch, the pizza. From where? From V... Vino. It was at the bar we left over.

Vitos. Oh, Vitos. You've been there? On Las Vegas? So good. So good, right? I haven't had pizza anymore. Didn't you talk about this?

I ate it. You did. I ate it. Did you break your rules? I never had a rule like that! You told me you were going to stop eating deep dish. So this is what I did. And then you stopped.

Bro, bro, this is what I did. What? So Friday night, right, was just great because the girls went out to Vegas. Really? Yeah. Where did you guys stay? Marriott. J.W. Marriott.

Right. You know what the J.W. stands for? What? Jew. John Wickett. John Wickett. John Wick. John Wick Marriott.

So. Sponsored. So the girls go out to Vegas. All weekend. Party. So guess what I did? Eight. This is my party.

I went to Vitos, got a large meatball pizza with mushrooms, and then I went to the comedy store. Oh wait, that's right. It was open. Yeah. How was it? Hung out backstage. Hung out with Tiana and a bunch of people.

It ran a zizzy. Did it feel weird? What? Did it feel weird? No. It felt totally normal. It felt so good. And then one night they were out.

So I went, you know what? I'll call little David Spadey up. So he goes, come to this, you know, just come to this. When you take him out of his jack in the box, do you have to crank it or is he already out of the box? He's already out of the box. Because the box is in his house. Oh.

Yeah, he lives in the box. Does he have an assistant? No, no, no. What happens is you go there, right? You know, it's shaped like a circus. It's shaped like a desperate lonely single guy. It's like a red, white tent, right? And you go in and then there's the bearded lady who he's had sex with.

That's his, what is that? What is that? His housemate? Yeah. Houseperson. Houseperson. And I go, hello, Harry. That's Steve.

Hi. Yeah, hi. And I go, can I wind up the box? Can I get him out of the box? And he goes, go ahead. It's a huge lever. He comes out, right. And he goes, hey, buddy, hey, buddy.

And then that's how it works. Did you go hang out at his house all night? No, no. He goes, I'm at a restaurant called Something in Essex. Something in Essex. I don't know what it's called. That's okay. And I go, who are you going with?

He goes, Tim Dillon. Yeah. So I go, oh, I was just calling, because you can't go. Could I come? Right. You can. But I didn't. I didn't want to feel that way.

I didn't want to feel that way. So I go, oh, I was going to, you know, see if I'm alone. You know what I mean? He goes, ugh. That's what he said in the text. Which means come on. Come on. He goes, here it is.

So I go there and I'm going to get in trouble for saying this, but it was like an MTV music video shoot. Why? It was one of those places where there's a rope, there's a gigantic black man wearing a suit. Yes. He's got dreads. He's a bouncer.

I don't call him that. What do you call him? A greeter. He's a greeter. Sorry. He's a bouncer. I shouldn't say the R. Yeah.

What you want. Right. Right. Because I haven't been out in a while. Amen. I know you. No, I was wearing the mask. Oh, he couldn't see you.

I think I'm scorpion, huh? He goes, no, he goes, get over here. Loved you an hangover. The way you popped out of that trunk, man. So then I, and it was like people going, hi, we've been out here for an hour. It's like that. Oh yeah. It was crazy.

I don't like that. Right. And then they're like, yo, little man, step to the side to me. I was left. Wait. So you just got shuffled a lot. I got shoved aside and this other guy, another older, you know, older black, older black guys who have like little things in their ears.

What does that even mean? They have little things in their ears. Ear buds? Something. They're talking to somebody like C.I.A. has. Oh, you mean, yeah. Like that. Like he works there.

No, there was another guy. He was just like talking. No, he was trying to get in. He goes, yeah, you know who I am. Oh, Bluetooth headset. Yeah. You know who I am. Right.

I know you, man. Right. And it was that kind of, and then a bunch of women and then some woman goes, Asian lady goes, Tommy. Do you? Yes. Because there's people say that all the time. Why Tommy?

They think I'm, they think Tommy and Bobby are the same. It's not. So then I have to go. No, it's Bobby. Oh, yeah. Excuse me. Yeah. Bobby.

And she loved you. Right. So I call Spade. I'm outside. And he's like, just say my name. Right. So I go, David Spade. No contact.

Yeah. No contact. David Spade. Oh, you were with David Spade? Yeah. I go, yeah. They bring me right. They, dude, it was great.

They push all these, the guy with the thing gets brushed to the side. All the girls with the little, you know, the coochies hanging out on the side, the coochies hanging out. But it wasn't nice. Um, I have to say the girls were on vacation. I have to say, I did a couple of glancy glances and I saw. And, um, I go, and it's like, uh, 90% like, uh, it looks just music video people. Who else famous was there?

No one else. Really? Yeah. Are you covering up? No. No one else. It feels like famous people. No one else.

I don't, I don't know any, but maybe there's a demographic of famous people there that I don't know. Who do you think would be there? The My Pillow guy, maybe? No, no, no. There's no way. You don't think he was there? My Pillow guy is more of a boa kind of a guy.

I'm a boa. Trying to get laid. Yeah. Yeah. That guy's insane. My Pillow is a boa guy. Well, I had a little famous experience in Texas because Pat Mahomes, who you don't know, came to see me.

I love Pat Mahomes. What, who, who is he? Basketball. Yeah. What sport, what a sport. Okay. Basketball. What team?

Mavericks. He does play for the Dallas Mavericks. What position? Yeah. Pat Mahomes, the center forward for the Dallas Mavericks came to see me do stand up comedy. Is that, did I get it right? He's a football player for the Kansas City Chiefs. I know you did.

I was like, oh my God, I'm good. Yeah, that was, no. He's a quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs. He won the, he won the Super Bowl. He came to see me and then we went out and you'll get, you maybe get this one. Yeah. This is how, this is how dope it was. We go out and then I'm like, oh, this is incredible.

Then he's like, we want to go out, out. And I was like, we're already out. Like it's, we're already out. He's like, nah, we're going out, out. All right. They're younger than us. They're way younger. You forget, these are 25.

Is he a fan of whiskey ginger? He met me through, I know Travis Kelsey who's also a Kansas City Chief and we became friends and he came and saw me when me and Rogan were in Kansas City four years ago and he was like, I got to see you when you come to Dallas because that's where he lives. So anyway, we go out, out again and then you'll love this, Ezekiel Elliott was there. You know, he plays for the Detroit Lions. Yes. He's in a cool position.

Running back. Yes, he does. Yes, he does. Yes, he does. Am I close? Actually, you're much closer this time. Which one? Ezekiel Elliott plays for the Dallas Mavericks.

No. The sport was right the first time. I don't know. Dallas Cowboys. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's running line. Jacked.

Linebacker. No, you had it right. Running back. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Are you being real? No, what does it do?

Yeah. And he was there and everyone was so cool and so rich and you know how like, and they threw money, everyone was throwing money. Yeah. I picked some up. What do you mean? They were, you know, they're, they're making it rain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I picked up some of the money. I always, I do that at wedding. You think I'm not going to pick up the money? Yeah. Why did you throw the money? When they, when I'm at a wedding and they throw rice, I do the same thing. No, I do because I'm like, you're wasting all this rice? Right.

So I'll just add a little scoop and I scoop the rice up, right? And then I'll go to my hotel room or wherever and I'll make the rice. You know what I mean? Bobby's so good. So good. No, yeah, I did. I scooped up the money like a, like a chump. Yeah.

Because it's the money. It's money. Dude, there was $20 bills on the ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think you did that. If it, I swear, I swear. A scout's honor. If it, look, if it was singles, I'm not picking them up.

Yeah. There was a couple of 20s and 10s in there. I, let's give a little money up. What am I going to, you know, how am I going to tip the Uber guy? You know, it's funny when you're around because I'm always the guy to pay for, you mean like when the, like at my level with the people that I'm with and my, my group, you're right there. Right.

I'm always the one to pay. But it's like, what I love about going out with like people that are above me, don't have to pay. You don't have to pay. It's so nice. Yeah. Like when spade always like he's already paid for before, he doesn't have a choice. He should pay.

Yeah. He should pay because he's got the most, but then you have to say, like, I looked at him, right. And I go, Hey buddy, just want to let you know. Next time. And I said, I see this, I see this every time I eat with him. I've said it probably 50 times. Next time.

Next time. It's on me, pal. He goes, don't worry about it. I go, I'm telling you, you know what I mean? Cause I don't want him to think that that's why I'm going out with him. But it is partially. 100%. Yeah.

100%. I like free meals. Yeah. They took care of the bill. Yeah. It was incredible. The guy who was with me, Chris, he lost his phone in an Uber and he got it two days ago.

Would it be without your phone for two days? No. Two days. I'd be dead. Two days. I would be dead. The guy, by the way, the guy, the guy that we had to get the Uber, the Uber driver that we had to get the phone back from.

This text conversation is insane. So I get it. We get his number off the app. I call. We report a missing phone. The guy picks up that night. I remember he was very like, it was like, he was like, had the pixies on his huge afro and he was like, Oh, you guys like this song, man?

And we're like, yeah. And he goes, it's fucking groove, dude. It's fucking groove. That's with the Uber driver? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was cool as shit.

He was high as a kite. Yeah. Yeah. So of course this guy. He said it's groove? This is fucking groove, man. Oh, I've never heard that. Neither have I.

This guy was an alien. Yeah. Yeah. So then of course, my friend Chris O'Connor, who opens for me, he was incredible. He left his phone in the car. Chris O'Connor did. Chris O'Connor dropped his phone in the Uber. Uh-huh.

So then we call this guy, this grieve off the app. Yeah. Right? This dude answered the phone. He's like, what's up? We've been pinging the phone, you know, you can like ping, you can send him, it'll go to know it's locked. Yeah.

We've been pinging the phone. He goes, I heard that. I go, we called it like six times. He goes, I heard that too. I was like, you didn't want to pick it up and he goes, yeah, man, I was going to get around to it and I was like, okay, cool, where are you so we can get the, we can get the phone? And he goes, I'm at my house and then Chris is on his computer, you know, you can track

my phone. He's not at his house. He's driving around all over the place and I was like, can we meet you at a location? He goes, nah, let's do it tomorrow. I'm like, but you have my friend's phone. He's like, I know, I'm busy, man. I was like, okay, can I just set up a schedule so we can get the phone from you? We'll give you money.

That's why I said, we'll pay you money. He goes, cool, check it tomorrow, call me. I wake up around three and I go, I'm used to that and he goes, and you can meet me wherever I am. Fine. I get up in the morning. We do a whole day. I don't text until two just to see if maybe he got up early to pee at 2 p.m.

I text, no response. Three o'clock rolls around. He goes, yo, beautiful day outside. Took my bike out and I was like, do you have the phone with you on the bike ride? I love this guy. He's giving information, but very don't need. Yeah. And very vague too.

He's giving me the bike out. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I said, do you take the phone with you? He goes, at the house. And he goes, check it, meet me at this address. When I secure barbecue, we'll exchange the phone. When I secure barbecue.

That means lunch for them? Yeah. When he gets barbecue, we can have the phone. Oh, wow. Okay. So I'm working on barbecue right now. So we take a car all the way out to- You're taking another Uber.

Another Uber to an Uber guy's house. Took a fucking Uber to an Uber guy's house. So we get to this fucking house. He comes outside, he hands Chris the phone, and then Chris didn't want to- he at first was like, I'm going to give him money, but then he was like, this guy made it so fucking hard. Yeah, yeah. Should we even give him some money?

Yeah. And Chris hands the guy the money. And he takes the money, because I was like 20 bucks or something like that, and he takes the money like it wasn't enough. He was like- What are you- It's not enough. It's not enough.

What do you want? It's not enough. We came to you. It's 100 bucks. 100 bucks. Well, who pays it? Me? Yeah.

You're the headliner that paid for my meal. But I paid for- You paid- I paid for everything. No, no, no. So my- my- my opener loses his phone, and I have to pay- I paid for the Uber to get us there. I took us out to the fucking nightclubs, to the food.

I paid for everything. And then I- Let me say something. Okay. Yeah. Jade kind of tried to open for me in Florida somewhere. Mm-hmm. And so we're done with the weekend.

Mm-hmm. This actually happened. And I- and now I have a thing with my openers. I go, the car picks us up at 7 AM. If you're not downstairs at 7 AM- It's gone. I'm out because I don't like being late to a flight. Yeah, nobody.

Yeah, no. And I always call a little early. I always say, if it's 7 30, I'll go just come at 7. Sure. So at 7 in the morning, I'm standing there with all my shit. I'm in the- you know what I mean, right next to the car, and she's nowhere, and I just call her. I was going to get her a farewell call.

Was she out drinking the night before? Yeah. Because that's almost always what happens. And she goes- Oh! Crying. Yeah. No, I got that.

Oh, really? Well, the way you do it. Is acting good? It was pretty good. Pretty good acting, right? I don't know what else I could have been. Oh. Is something stuck in your throat?

Maybe she's in pain. Oh! I slipped in the tub. I hit my fucking head. Yeah. And I go- I got to go to the airport. And I go, what's the matter?

She's like, I can't find my sunglasses. Swear to God. What? Yeah, swear to God. Get in the car! Get in the car! Right. I want to say that, right?

What are you talking about? But I go, I'll get you new sunglasses. I'll buy you the nicest pair of sunglasses you've ever had. No! She's sent- You know how- Do you have sentimental value? Not to sunglasses.

Not to anything. No. I mean nothing. No. Honestly, no. Yeah, yeah. I have sentimental value when it comes to human beings. People.

Yeah. But if I lost a thing, it's a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe my car. No. All right. But I would be bummed. If I lost my car.

We could have your car stolen right now. Yeah, yeah. You would not care. Probably. You're right. I would drive you home. Exactly. You're right.

Yeah, we get a new car. I get a new car. Yeah. Better help. Bobo, is there something interfering with your happiness? Yeah. Preventing you from achieving your goals. Look, Bob and I have both spoken about this.

We are a big proponents of the mental health help in this world. And better help is doing just that. You can start communicating in under 48 hours. The best. It's like, it's so easy. You can, yeah, under 48 hours. And it's not a crisis line. It's not a mental health help.

It's professional counseling done securely online. There's a broad range of expertise available. It may not be locally available in your area, but the service is available for clients worldwide. It's so easy, guys. Log into your account at any time, send a message to your counselor. You'll get timely and thoughtful responses. Look, we both use this. I am a big believer in this in getting help.

And also, better help is great because it's cheaper than traditional offline counseling. You don't have to go to some uncomfortable room in a doctor's office with fluorescent lights beaming down on you in magazines you don't want to read. Visit their website and read their testimonials that are posted daily, okay? Now, yeah, better help wants you to start living a happier life today. Go to betterhelp.com slash badfriends. That's better H-E-L-P. Join the over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.

This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and Bad Friends listeners. Get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash badfriends. Hello, Tushy. Hello, Tushy. You just used it. I just used it. And then I go, that stream is so beautifully powerful right in there, and it cleans it all out.

And I just pat dry it. The fact that people don't have bidets at home, look, it used to be expensive, fancy. I understand. Fancy probably has had a real bidet from, you know, from Francis Guy. Well, the Japanese has been using it for years. You do a fancy Japanese. I love them. I love them.

Dude, when I went to Japan, they had music on the side and everything, and it was warm. The thing warms your ass, and it warms up your tongue. And they're ahead of the fucking shit game. Yeah, they are. But now in America, we can finally get your own. We can do it now. In your house, for not thousands of dollars, you get a Hello Tushy 3.0 modern bidet attachment. It just links onto your current toilet.

You don't have to do anything. You don't have to add anything. It's so easy to install, guys. It's so simple. Me and Bob did it, and we are dumb. Yeah. We're dumb. It cleans your butt like a champ.

Gets all the little nooks and crannies out of your tush-tush. And every Hello Tushy bidet attachment comes with a 60-day risk-free guarantee and a 12-month warranty, guys. That's insane. There's no electricity, no extra plumbing or tech support. You don't need any of that stuff, and it cuts toilet paper used by 80%. So it pays for itself in a few months. It's incredible.

Hey, Bob, does your dad already have a Hello Tushy on his toilet? No, he's dead. He passed away. He's dead. My dad doesn't have one. You can blow him away with an upgrade to the new Hello Tushy 3.0. If he's new to the revolution, have him join millions of happy Hello Tushy customers right now for a clean butt with every flush.

Do it. For a gift of clean butt, go to HelloTushy.com slash Bad Friends to get 10% off plus free shipping. A special offer for our listeners at HelloTushy.com slash Bad Friends for 10% off. HelloTushy.com slash Bad Friends. I go, no, my uncle Felipe, he got me the sunglasses three years ago, he right now has stomach cancer or whatever I want. Oh my God, Felipe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, bye, I mean, what do you want from me? What can I do? So she comes down. She's crying. Yeah. With her stuff. Yeah, tears.

With her six bags, you were there for two days. Yeah. Yeah. I go, how much were they, the glasses? It's my responsibility as a headliner. Okay. She goes 295 bucks and I got it, gave it to her. Okay, I would do the same.

I was going to buy Chris a new phone. I didn't give it to her. You didn't. Son of a bitch. I didn't give it to her. Oh, here's another, I just thought of another one. Another funny one was when, so Fihima and Anwar, same thing, I go, 8 a.m., right, and I go, and I tell him, I go, I swear to fucking God, I'll leave.

He's like, dude, I got you, man, I got you, right? I show up at the car and I go, he's not here, make courtesy call. He goes, I'm coming down right now, right? Well, he's going to strap the bombs on. How does he? I don't know. He comes down and he's like, I'm ready, man, he's got like the shirt upside down. Inside out.

Inside out. His luggage closes, sticking out of the cracks, right? Yeah. It's like an 80s movie. Yeah. It's kind of like a running to the plane. Basically, what happened was, I called him, he was asleep, he hadn't packed, right? He just threw shit on, right, packed, he probably left half a shit up there.

For sure. Yeah, but you know what? I've done that. Yeah. With Rogan, I've done that before. Yeah. Where it's like the hotel phone's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, oh my God. And I just throw shit in the fucking bag because I always set my alarm. But you know what? The fucking iPhone sometimes, it'll just automatically set to PM instead of AM. So it's like, oh, except for 7 PM. So I'm woken up by, is Mr. Santino, there's a car downstairs, Mr. Rogan. I'm like, oh, fuck. Because I know Joe is like, like so anxious to go, he's like, where is the fuck?

Oh, he does that? He wants to get so scared. He's pretty right on the nose with him. Yeah. And I'm so precise with my time. Yeah. So with him, with that, because we had gone out in like, I don't know, Cleveland or some shit wherever the fuck we were.

And we met up with Jessie Mae Paluso. Love her. Love. And we were going out and we weren't even staying out late. I just had a couple of drinks and we just, we hung out. We weren't even like going out. We just hung out at the club. And then of course, I go back and set the alarm wrong and he's, he does this thing in

the car. Look, you're me when I get in the car. Go ahead, open the door. I'm you? Yeah. All right. We're good to go. Oh, that hurt.

What you just did there? So the whole way to the airport, I was going like this. I would do this. You know, you do this. You go, you go. Those are fun shows. Why do you even say anything? Because I don't know what to do.

No, I shut down. I would shut down. But that, but then if you're too quiet, then he's like, what's going on last night? And then you have to go, when you went to the bed, you sound like an idiot either way. You're done. You're done. So, and then that also that same day, by the way, I got to drive, you don't care, but I got to drive a Ferrari, a McLaren and a Porsche because Brady Matthews' brother-in-law owns

a big like fleet of beautiful cars and he let us drive him around and I felt like a little kid in the candy store and I, it's just so, I felt so cool for a moment in time driving around a Ferrari. You know? Yeah. I'll never be able to afford it. It's a half a million dollars a car that I was in. I drove a Ferrari like four months ago.

Where? They, in the opening scene of Magnum PI, the open shop. Oh, he drives a Ferrari. The opening shot is, they think it's Magnum driving the Ferrari, but it's my character driving the Ferrari. How far did you get to go? I spent six hours driving all over Hawaii. But were you driving it, driving it?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They had, you know, I have to follow a truck and a crane. That's what I mean. Right. What? Well, you can't, I was ripping around.

I got to. But I had rehearsals as well before. I mean, I did it. You did it. Okay. Do you know what kind of Ferrari it was? A red one. Like in the show.

I don't fucking know, man. It was the 299X360. It was the 299X360. Yeah. Let me see. Wait a minute. The 299X360I or the F? F.

That, the fast one. Yeah. Yeah. The good one. 299X360F. Look that up. Please look up Ferrari 299X360F. But can I tell you, can I tell you something?

I want to see, I want to see what it looks like. I was thinking about, so when you were bringing up Joe Rogan, I was thinking about where it went wrong with him and I. You were thinking about what, like, what was the breaking point, by the way. Is that the 299F360 right there? The girl. That's what I wrote. What went wrong with you?

That's what you wrote in? Yeah. I wrote the girl. Cool. Now, so, and Joe could, Joe will bring this up. He won't deny it, the story. So when I was a Dora man at the La Jolla comedy store, Joe Rogan was on, this is before news radio.

Before news radio. Yeah. So he was, he was. He was a kid from Boston, but he was a headliner already. Yeah. But he was a man. He would do Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. He was a man still then.

A real man. He was like a black belt. Yeah. He was never a kid. Rogan. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, right.

So he comes into town and he's like, I'm a Dora man. And afterwards that he's like, he was with a Diaz too, Joey Diaz. And they go, and Joey and I knew each other. So Joey goes, hey, take him to a strip club. Yeah. So I take him to girls, girls, girls. No. Body shop.

Déjà vu in San Diego. Oh, this, I'm sorry. This is down south. I was living in San Diego. Right, right, right. Yeah. And I would go there. By the airport.

Right. And I have no money. Right. Like I'm broke. He paid for me to get in there. What do you think is in your bank account at the time? Zero. I don't have one.

Genuinely. I genuinely did not have one. What I would do is I would take my paycheck and I would cash it at a cash check. Like Western Union. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I was at that point in my life.

Damn, Bob. Yeah. And then I have to tell you this other word. There's another story that happened, but anyway, because that sprung up another thing. Anyway, I'm at a strip club and I'm just sitting there. I can't tip. So I'm just sitting there. But I want to act cool because it's Joe Rogan's there, right?

Right. So these gang members are sitting next to us. Always. Right. And they go, what the fuck are you looking at to Joe Rogan? Ah. Just like nothing, buddy. I'm just watching the show.

Whatever. What do you think? There's naked girls here. Take a guess. No, he was looking at them. Were they naked too? No. Just four naked gang members?

Like wife beaters, tattoos on their neck. But the wife beaters, could you see their nipples a little bit? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. And Joe goes and they, they get in a spat. Like they're yelling at each other.

Kind of. Yeah. And then I don't know why I did this. Come on, Papa. So the guys go, hey, fuck you, puto. We'll be back. To him. Yeah.

So they all leave to go to their cars. Shit. Joe turns to us and he goes, let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah. And I go, what do you guys, I said. You said, what do you guys, what do you guys play? No. Pussies.

You said, what are you guys, pussies? To Joe, Diaz and Rogan in a strip club. Yeah. Because four Mexican gang members went to their car. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What do you think that we're going to get?

A blanket for you? Maybe it's like, you know, what they did to the American Indians back in the day. Julio or something. You said, what do you guys, pussies? Yeah. What did he say? He didn't talk to me for years after that. That makes sense.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because you should have gotten the fuck out of it. I thought I was being tough. You're not. I know, but I'm from there. What is that?

I'm just saying, in my head at the time, I'm like, I'm from there. You're from Poway. I know, but I'm from San Diego. The Poway is in San Diego. You know, but Poway is not. I know it's a suburb. Yeah. Country club, the whole thing.

I know. I don't know what was in my head. I got the fuck out of there. Did they come back in those guys? I stayed for a while because I drove my own car. Those guys dipped. Yeah, they dipped. Wow.

Right. Because I couldn't. There's no way I could afford to get in there. Right. So once you're in. I didn't want to leave because I don't get to go in there. Right. You're in.

You're in. I'm in. Right. You can't leave. Right. But then I was like, how do I pay for the two drinks? I think that's why I left. Did you get a job there eventually?

The dishwasher? Yeah. I'm going to tell you this other thing that happened. One morning, so I lived right by the comedy store on a street called Gerard. Oh, I know. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

I lived in what they call the ghetto of La Jolla, which is like a strip of houses that are just kind of worn down. Yeah. But it's still not the ghetto. It's pretty ghetto back then. Bob. Yeah, yeah. La Jolla never had a ghetto.

Why do they call it the ghetto of La Jolla? Who's they? I think I did. Yeah. Yeah. I think I did. It's you. Right.

Yeah. So my other landlord named Jeff, he was like this bearded white man and he'd always do, he would always garden in front of the house that we were running. Right. He was always there. One day Jeff knocks on the door and he goes, Bobby, I go, yeah, this guy's here to see you. So I go, I look out and there's this man who kind of looks like Santa Claus, but he's

got a long beard like ZZ Top. Super tan. Right. And the guy goes, what's up, man? I go, I don't know you. He goes, Bobby Lee, right? I go, yeah. He goes, I'm friend was Jay Swiker.

Who? Jay Swiker, who was the manager of this coffee shop that I worked at. Okay. He's like, oh, he's like, I am a photographer for a surfing magazine, man. And I go, cool. I don't surf. I don't believe this is what he says. He goes, check it out, man.

I have a Porsche and I, back in your alleyway, I parked it next to, so my neighbor was named as Linda because I packed it and back up, you know, Linda, I go, yeah. So in my car, I had $10,000 in cash and a pound of weed. What? Yes. In the trunk. Yeah. You're not a photographer.

You're a drug dealer. Right. And he goes, it got towed, man. And I go, oh, and he goes, if you help me get my car out, I'll give you like a grand and some weed. I didn't smoke weed at the time. It was, I was an AA. Right.

But you could sell the weed. So I go, how much is the tow? You guys, 150 bucks. I had, I just opened up a bank account. I had $200 in there to my name. So I'm like a grand. I mean, the math is good. Yeah.

So, all right. Get in my truck. So I go to the, I go to the ATM. I pull up my last 200 bucks. I give him the guy. Right? Bobby. He goes, all right.

Now go to the towing place. It's downtown. So we drive on, you know what I mean? The five. All the way down. All the way downtown. And we get off this off the freeway and there's this apartment complex to the left. He's like, the towing place, but my sister lives here.

That's what he says. Okay. So I go, your sister lives there. He goes, yeah. I just want to go say hi to her real quick. Why don't we just get your car first? I didn't say that. With the $10,000 in the weed.

Yeah. Yeah. And I go, all right. Like an idiot. So he runs into this apartment complex. I could see him open this door and go into the right. I'm probably out there for two hours. At least.

Yeah. I can feel it in my bones. The sun. I see the sun setting and you're just like, yeah. And now this is how dumb I am at the two hour mark is when I start feeling fishy. There's something probably catching up. There's a problem. It could be having some tea.

So I'm like, and this is back then we had no cell phones back then. Just no cell phones. There was no cell phones back then. There are no cell phones. Right. I get to call people on a pay phone or just or hope they would show up to the place you agree. Right.

So I could get out of the car and I go into the apartment complex and I look in the back and the other doors open. He took off. Yeah. Immediately. He actually went right through. Yeah. He's probably in Mexico by now.

You know what I mean? And then I. He's back at your apartment. I don't know what to do. So I go back to the Panic Inn. Right. Which is where Jay Schweiker. The coffee shop.

Right. So I go, Jay. I told him a story, right? He said your name. And he goes, bro, that happened to me two weeks ago. Shut up. It happened to Jay Schweiker two weeks ago. He pulled the same thing.

Yeah. And then he got caught like a year later. He's just that was his thing. That's a good game. He would like open up people's mailboxes. See them. Memorize people's names. Figure people out.

How would he know that you and Jay knew each other? Because I'm I worked at the most famous coffee shop that everyone hung out at. He saw you. Yeah. Wow. I want to know where that guy is. Yeah. That guy's fucking great.

That guy's awesome. Have you ever been scammed? Yeah. Like my whole life. What do you mean? I'm getting scammed right now. What do you mean? Living in California.

Everything I do is a scam. Oh, come on. A real scam? Like a real ripoff? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Mostly in drugs. Mostly drugs. Yeah. Almost always when I bought drugs, I got scammed. Yeah. Yeah. One time we went to in high school, we went to this guy's house who was like 24, but you know, and we went there and he was selling weed out of his garage and he was like, yeah,

yeah, this is a, I don't even know, it was like 60 bucks for, you know, for an eighth or whatever. And I was like, that's so expensive. He's like, yeah, man, that's what it is. A weed. Yeah. He's like, yeah, man, that's what it is. This older dude and he had known this other guy, Paul, that I had known that was also,

that was a senior when I was like a sophomore. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this guy seems like, I don't know, it seems really pricey and a little sketch. I don't know. He's like, dude, what do you mean? Like fucking, it's weed. Let's buy it.

Let's smoke it. Let's get over it. We all pitched in our money. So of course I get the bag and we're like all nervous. I don't even look at it. I don't, you know, I put, I put it in my pocket. We get in the car. We drive back to this other guy's house, John, who we would get hired, like behind his house

and like, all right, man, let's roll it up and open up the, open the bag of weed. And it's, I mean, it's literally just like oregano shape. You know, he did that whole thing with like hard pieces of like dirt and shit in there. So we smoked that. I've been ripped off for weed when I was in high school, like, I mean, when I was like a freshman, I got ripped off all the time because you don't, you know, at that time, you don't know where to go. Well, who am I going to call the cops?

Well, so we'd, you'd probably have cell phones. Do you have cell phones then? My, no, not my freshman year now, but who, what would I say? Who was I going to tell? Well, you can't. It's, people your age, you're so lucky because you could just go to a store. Is that insane? You don't have to just meet, you don't have to meet a shady guy in his Chevy Nova and

the seats stink like sweat and dogs and like, I had to go in the woods. Yeah. There's woods in Poway where you have to go into the woods. Yeah. And there was a guy there. You know what I mean? And some, usually he wasn't there, so you would just be in the woods. Most of the time you'd wait.

Yeah. And just wait there for like five hours. He's not, he's going to be here. He's like, I'm on my way. Yeah. He's eating breakfast. Yeah. Yeah.

There's just, you just have to, by chance. But you're never going to do drugs anyway. Right? Uh-oh. Did you do drugs in Vegas? No. But then tell me, Ruth, because I want to hear what did you do in Vegas? We did spearfishing.

Oh, I saw that online. Yeah. Did you hit anything? I got one. You did? Mm-hmm. Did Kalaila get anything? She got two on the, on Saturday and then one on Sunday.

Did you guys eat the fish? Yeah. You did? Yeah, you didn't. We did for the striper. But the carp, when happened to them? Carp. No, because they don't taste good, so we just kill them and then toss it.

You could have just put it back in the water. Yeah, we did. But you killed it first. Yeah. Why did you kill it? Because they're invasive. Oh. Now you know how it feels when people like you come to our country.

That's exactly right. That's exactly right. Do that feeling? It's invasive. They're invasive. Okay. And what do you do? You take over.

You're the carp. What do the invasive species usually do in the water? Tell me. They destroy the habitat. That's right, don't they? That's what they do. That's right, don't they? What?

I know that you do destroy. Me undies. Hey, Bob and I only wear one kind of undie. Okay, we've always talked about this. I love me undies. They're so comfortable. They're so soft and the patterns are cutesy pootsy, man. They just look specifically cute and nice.

Summer's coming and for so many of us, it's a season of discomfort. It's hot, sweaty. Me undies want you to make this summer comfortable. They want you to know that if you're going to sit around in underwear, that's fine. It's just got to be me undies. They're comfortable and express yourself this summer with undies in classic or bold colors and fun, adventurous prints. I like the ones that are pizza.

I also have lightning bolts, which makes me feel cool about myself. I feel like a little superhero. And they're easy to match. Sometimes Bobo and I wear the same underwear when we come here. You can match with your friends, which is a fun little game. Me undies has a great offer for our listeners. Any first-time purchasers, you can get 15% off and free shipping. That's good.

Me undies also has their problem-free philosophy. You're not satisfied with any product for any reason. They're going to refund it or exchange it. No caveats. No caveats. No questions. So to get your 15% off your first order and free shipping, go to meundies.com. Bad friends.

That's meundies.com. Bad friends. Honey. Dude. Bro. Yeah? We all shop online, yes? I do.

I buy way too much stuff. And we've all seen that promo code feel taunt us at the checkout, like, hey, man, do you have a code? Well, now you do. Thanks to Honey. Manually searching for coupon codes is the thing of the past. Honey is the free shopping tool that scours the internet for promo codes and applies the best one, and it just puts it right onto your cart.

They sue for coupons. It supports over 30,000 stores online, bro. That's everything. They range from sites that have tech and gaming to popular fashion, even food, which Bubbo loves. Imagine you're shopping at one of your favorite sites. When you're at the checkout, the Honey button is going to drop down. All you do is click apply coupons.

That's it. Wait a few seconds and look at that. You'll watch the prices drop. Yeah. You're going to save so much money, guys. I save money on a wireless charging pad that I bought online. Money dropped down. Click, click.

Thank you. I saved $4.86. Yeah, baby. That's what I like to do is save my money because who knows when it's going to run out? Honey has found over 17 million members, over $2 billion in savings. Oh, my Lord. You have to have honey. It's so simple to download.

If you don't already have honey, you can be straight up missing out on free savings. It's literally free. It installs in a few seconds. You don't have to do much by getting it. You're doing yourself a salad and supporting this podcast. We don't recommend stuff that we don't use. We both use Honey. I get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash badfriends.

That's joinhoney.com slash badfriend. What I'm asking is, what did they do though? I mean, it's like you're a carp, right? Here I am. You are a carp? Yeah. Yeah. We're both carp.

Can I be a carp too? You are? Yeah. So we're a carp, right? We were born in this lake or the river? Lake and river. Both. You were born in the river.

I was born in the lake. Way down. Well, no, the lake is a city. So I feel like you were born in the lake and I'm more country. Yeah. I'm from the suburbs. That's us, by the way. Right.

That's us. So, all right. So we're both in, right? You are buddies, right? Yeah. And we're just like, so, you know, I hate, I hate what other fish call us. They just say so many mean names. They call us like, we are wet.

Or soaking. Yeah. Yeah. They call me a scaly bee. They call me a scaly bee. Yeah. Yeah. I've called you that.

Yeah, you do. You do. That's actually fine. Yeah. That's actually fine. So, but, you know, but there's hunters out here. I've heard that they don't even, sometimes they catch you, you know, when you have food and then they, and then they kill you and then they throw you back in front of your family.

Right. Right. Yeah. That happened to Tony and his family. Tony. Right? Tony. They had photos with dead Tony.

Dead Tony. And then they showed him to us. Right. And then they went, fuck. You know what I mean? Fuck the family. They threw it back in. Right.

And then little Tony. He cried. You couldn't see because he's in the water. He's wet. Yeah. He's in the water, but he was crying. But then we ate him. We ate.

Yeah. We ate him. He was good. Tony was good. So you ate the other fish. Yeah. And you, by the way, what lake? Lake Las Vegas?

Lake. Lake Mead. Yeah. Lake Mead. No. Are you scared when you spear fish because you're underwater all the way? No. Are you in the water?

Underwater? Underwater. And are you wearing a tank? No. You just have to catch your breath and go down. Are you wearing something to keep the water? There was no water. It's normal.

Dirty? In the lake, it wasn't ended. In the river, it was murky. So what are you doing? It's murky. You can't shoot in the murky water. We just go to the side and then we just wait. You sit and wait.

Yeah. It's like, these girls, because Kalinda and Kalayla grew up in the Philippines and they were on the national swimming team. So they can hold their water underneath there for like three or four fucking minutes. It's insane. Hold their breath for four minutes? Yeah. But they'll invite me out there, right?

And it's a completely different human experience. Five seconds. And I float. You do. Yeah. I just... Everything is the dead sea to you. Yeah.

Yeah. And I just float. And I have the joggles on. And I can see them way in the bottom. But isn't that nice that you... And I'll wave sometimes. You have so much buoyancy. You could never drown.

I can't drown. Yeah. You're kind of like, if I took a balloon underwater, it would just go right back to the top. But we went to Mexico once and she's like, you know how... You know how, you know, you have a... My girlfriend is like, when you go to like a vacation, she doesn't want to do like the hotel package. What do you mean?

The thing that... The thing that all the tourists do. Oh, right. Right? She goes, no, I call the guy I found on the internet. We're going to do the real thing. I do like that. No.

You don't like that? You want fancy shit. She goes, we're going to swim in this bayou in the Mexico. I love this. So I go, this is Jesus. That's what they call him. Our guide was his name is Jesus. Right.

They're all called Jesus. Yeah. Right. It was Jose. It was Jose. It was Jose. Right? By the way, can I just say something?

Yeah. They have to have... There's got to be an agency in Mexico that gives them more names. We got to invent more Mexican names. It's like, it's either, I'm not kidding you, I've met 3,000 Jose's. At least. Yeah. 2,000 Jesuses.

Yep. That's it. There's also Alejandro. Yeah, but that's rare and those are the richer ones. Mauricio. Yeah. Fancy, are you laughing? No.

But do you understand what I'm saying? Fancy, are you laughing? They have to have a book or something. They do. Oh, they do? The Bible. Oh, that's a very clever, but you did. It's very clever.

But no, because there's no Spanish names in the Bible. Jesus is based... I know, Jesus. Yeah. Okay, so he's named after me. Andrew is Andres. Isn't that true? Yeah.

True, I was named after you. So anyway, let's go back to the store. I'm in the Bayou. I want to go through the Mexican names in the Bible. We will in a second. Who's Joseph then? Jose. Jose.

Josef? Josef. Who's Mary? Maria. Maria. Maria. Who's... Who is...

Who's... I don't know. I need the Bible. I don't need the... What's the... Well, there's Matthew, Luke, and John. No, who's the guy... No, who's the guy in the...

Matthew, Luke, and John. Wait, wait, wait. Say it again? Matthew, Luke, and John. Wow, that's it. Matthew, Luke, and John. Who's the asshole in the Bible that, like, lost... God took all the...

Judas. That... No. Judas is the one that helped kill Jesus. No, that sounds like... Let me finish what I'm going to say. All right. He's a guy in the Bible where God took everything away from him.

Job. Job. Job. J-O-B-E-B. Yeah. J-O-B. What an idiot. Yeah, Job was in...

Well, it's Job in Mexican. Job. Job. Yeah, I've never met a hope. I need the Bible. Fancy, will you name your kid, Hope? No. Please.

For this theory is, look at him. Looking like an idiot. Is that Job? Yeah, that's Job. And then what happens? So... I will not renounce my integrity. So what happens is...

You know the story? No. So God kills... Takes his farm away. Everything. Kills his family. Right? And he still...

That's his thing, right? He stays devout. Yeah. Right? And at the end, God gives him more. Yeah, he gets like all the gifts and... Isn't that it? Fancy, doesn't he get...

Isn't that that he like gets everything and everything he ever wanted and more? He gets a new wife, more kids, the new kids and stuff. But it's like, what about my old wife? Yeah, I want her back. I want... Yeah, Louisa. Yeah. I was in love with her.

I don't need... Maybe it's... What if it's really hot though? If she's a hotter new wife? Yeah. But what if she's uglier? What if God's like... I'd be like...

I gave you a new wife and she's like... I'm your new wife! See, there he is. He's crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his wife is like, I'm gonna... She's holding her chest. I'm gonna die soon.

Yeah. Because God hates you. Right? And then of course... Look, there's other renditions of him where he's like... If you look at the cartoon down there, Pete... No, no. To the left.

Down. One, two, three. Look at him. He's got warts all over his body, right? Yeah. He gave him... What is that called? What's that called?

Is that herpes? What is that called? Boils, right? Boils. Yeah, boil. And that's his wife saying, get outta here, Joe! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at Boils.

Yeah. He couldn't even put on clothes. So, Joe... So, Joe... Look at her though. Look at his wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe the replacement wife.

Maybe that's his prayer. Please kill her now. She's so ugly. Look at her. Look at her phone. What a shit wife. This is where Shameless came from. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is where the show started. Nice titties though. Maybe the titties are good. Doubted. Job's wife? Yeah. But look at those titties though. Who?

Job's wife? Job's wife's titties. Yeah. That's the story of Job. Now you've learned another Bible thing. Yeah. Okay, who's Moses then? Moises.

Moises. Moises. Moises is the guy that does my lawn. That's his name. Look. Look. Moises. Look.

Let me see. Let me see. What does it say? Read it out loud. Not his last name, obviously. Oh, yeah. But don't say that. Moises, Gardner, Artemio.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Artemio is the other guy. Oh, really? They're awesome. They're the best. Wow. Moises and Artemio.

What is it? Is Artemio? Who's that based on? Can I say something though? Yeah. Why'd you put Moises Gardner? Because I have another Moises in my phone. No, you don't.

Yes, I do. Are you sure? Moises Elu. He's one of those athletes. Yeah, I know athletes. Yeah. Does it feel? It feels cool.

To me, it doesn't. Well, because you don't care about sports. Okay. Okay. No, that's not true. You care about MMA. If it was a really cool MMA fighter, you would be into it. Because I've had Michael Bis being on my show a couple times.

I'm a big fan of Bis. No, no. Come to see you live and go out and hang out with them. Different story. Yeah. Different than being on the pod. Podstuffs, whatever. But like when you get to go out with them and then you interact as humans and friends,

yeah. Fun. Fun, dude. And I was saying another thing. Oh, yeah. So I was with Jose in the fucking Bayou in Mexico. That's the fucking story I was telling in the fucking first place. I know.

We get diverted on this show. Yeah. Yeah. That's the best part. So I go, who's Jose? She's like, he's professional. This is like not, you know what I mean? You're typical.

You know what I mean? He is not your typical Jose. Right. No, he goes, it's not your typical tour. He's taking us to a Bayou that's like, no tourists have been here. Right. Locals. Yeah, even locals.

Locals can't even go. Yeah. We get in the water. He kills you. No. And we're going in the water. And Jose goes, stop. I go, what?

What's so funny? I know this. Yeah. And I go, what's the matter? He's like, alligator. And I go, alligator. I go, what alligator? And he goes slowly turn your head to the left.

Right. And I go, like, I'm in the water now. Right. I'm shitting and pissing too. Yeah. And trembling. And there's a rock right there. And there's a fucking alligator.

Right near you. Right there. Right. So I had one of those like underwater like cameras. I go, I'm going to die. I have to do a selfie. Sure. So I do a selfie with the, with the alligator.

Might as well. But that's the kind of shit. That Jose gets into. No. Jose gets me into it. She loves that shit. She loves that shit. See, no thanks for me.

And I, we stayed there for like five hours just floating. Waiting for fish? No. For him to go. Oh, the alligator. Yeah. Stop. How do you say alligator in Spanish?

Fans? Cocodrilo. That's crocodile, you jackass. You jackass. Look, what a, what a jerk off. You fucking idiot. Crocodile. What's going on?

You're going to fight Esther Pavitsky? Yeah. So Jules and Esther did. You did YouTube son. Yeah. Because we said it on this show. Yeah. Right.

She's your height, right? How tall are you? Five, five. You're five, five, my ass. You're five, four. Yeah. No, you're not five, five. No, I'm five, four.

She's taller than me. Pete, get the measuring tape out, please. It's in the drawer. If she's not, if she's five, four, I'm five, three. No. Don't get the measuring tape. No, I want to see it. Don't get the measuring tape.

Pete, get the goddamn measuring tape. I'm five, four. And we're going to mark the wall just like we did when we were kids. You know, when you mark the wall. Yeah, I'm five, four. I think you shrunk. I swear to God, I did. Really?

Get up against the wall and Pete measure correctly. Okay. Flat. Stay flat against the wall. Don't cheat. Wait. Don't cheat. What do you say, Pete?

Five, four. Push your hair down. Five, five. Push the hair down. Five, five. Because the hair is poof. It's five, five. Shit.

Get up there, bub. I'm five, four. Fuck. Pete. Pete. Pete. Pete. There's a lot of writing on there.

Yeah, Pete. Beanie off. No. That's cheating. No, stop. No, no. I'm alone. I'm alone.

No, no. Take it off. You have to. That's the only way. It's only way it's fair. It's only way it's fair. All right. Get up against the wall.

Take off your flip flops, bub. Flip flops off. No, look at his feet. He's cheating. I'm not cheating. Yes, you are. Flat. Look at your heels are off the ground, bub.

His heels are off the ground, Pete. Pete, his heels are off the ground. You cheated. Your heels are off the ground. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. You cheater.

They were off the ground. Were they off the ground? No, they weren't. Yes, they were. She said they were. Were they off the ground? Yes, they were. They weren't.

Bob? They weren't. Lock in your 5-3. I'm not 5-3. I'm not 5-3. I'm not 5-3. I'm not 5-3. I'm not 5-3.

Wait a minute. I'm not 5-3. She cannot tell a lie. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Were his heels off the ground? They were. They were your 5-3.

No, I'm not 5-4. They were off the ground. I watched. Not this much, but this much. Do you want to prove yourself? They will measure again. Pete is waiting. All right.

Beanie off. Beanie off. Heels on the ground. Pete. Pete. Pete. Look at the heels. Look at his toes are curling.

Shoot his toes. 5-4, right? 5-3 and 3 quarters. 5-3 and 3 quarters. So guess what? When you mark it down on the internet, it's 5-3. 5-4. You can't do quarters.

5-3. I'm 5-4. Damn, dude. I can't believe you shrunk. When I met you- I can't drink. I can't fucking drink. When I met you-

Stuff thing then. I can't drink anything. I'm a man. You were 5-4 and a half when we met. 5! When we first met, you were 5-4 and 3 quarters. No way. You shrunk an inch since we met.

No way. I'm getting older. I know. 50 in September. Yeah, I'm getting older. Speaking of which, what are we doing for Bob's birthday when he turns 50 this year? That's huge. We have to do something big.

Well, I want to have a dinner. Yeah, but something important. Getting an important dinner. But we have to do a thing. Like we have to rent out Nobu or some shit. Fun like that. No, I was going to get that dinner at my house. I want to go to a restaurant and rent it out.

You know, I used to have these spaghetti factory parties. Love. They're not here anymore. I used to want to be on Sunset. Sunset. Do you remember that one? I loved it. Yeah, and I used to have these birthday parties and everyone would show up.

Well, what can we rent out that we can get everybody to go to? See, that's the thing. A lot of people don't. They just... I had to pay for the whole thing. No, we'll pay for it. The show will pay for it. Bad friends will pay for it.

But it just got... But before, when I was younger, I did spaghetti factory because I know that half the company and I know that half the comics, I would have some famous people, but most of the comics were broke. Do you feed them? So it ended up being like, you know, a free meal. Yeah. And people that didn't even like me would show up.

See, that... We'll make it that's the only people we want there. Yeah. Have you ever seen the way that Eric Andre does it? Have you ever been to his parties, his birthday party? Back when he was... I don't know what happened between us because back in the day when he was young, he used to have these parties.

He has the best parties. And I used to go to those parties and they were so wild. Look up Eric Andre's birthday party. And then once Eric Andre became a name, he just... He cut me out. Why? Him and I are closer than ever. He hasn't changed a little bit.

Well, look, these are flyers he makes for his party. We call him. Call him. Yeah. Those are flyers he makes for his party. Look, he wore that. That was his quinceanera. Ask him if he has a problem with me.

I'm gonna right now. All right. But I have to tell him he's... You know Eric Andre? He looks familiar. The biggest dick I've ever seen. Yeah, by far. It's...

The biggest dick I've ever seen. Okay. But he has the best birthday. But look, look. Maybe there's some birthday photos. But there's a birthday bash. I'm gonna tell him you're next to me. Okay.

He has great birthday parties and they're like... The last time I went to one, he paid a bunch of people to... Like a bunch of old guys to... A nudist. Some old people from a nudist colony to just walk around with their boobs and their balls out. Look at that. That's like the party there.

You can see it in the background a little bit. I can't really tell, but he always has forwarded to an automatic. We're not that close. We're not that close, I guess. No. Sometimes... Let me see if I can call him. I have his number, I think.

Call him. Does he have an old number? I don't know. Eric. No. No. Okay. No, no, no.

Why would you hang that up? It wasn't Eric. It wasn't Eric. It wasn't Eric. It wasn't Eric. It wasn't Eric. It wasn't Eric. It wasn't Eric.

It wasn't Eric. It wasn't Eric. It wasn't Eric. What do you think we're doing here? Making a fucking comedy show. Game time with Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino. So corny. So unprofessional.

Okay. So gang time. You say gang time? What is he saying? It's game time. And then... All right. Okay, so we're working to build up your relationship.

So after all the fights from previous episodes, we would like for each of you to compliment each other. So you guys have to use the letters of each other's names to compliment the other person. So... Okay. I'll start then. Okay. Okay.

So Andrew. Yeah. Yeah. Athletic. Thank you. New. New. Don't say the N word.

New. New. Yeah. Diverse. Sure. I'm just thinking of any word. So athletic. New.

Diverse. Athletic. New. Diverse. And R. All right. Careful here on this one too. Yeah.

Yeah. I would never say it. You can't say it. You can't say that word. What? A white guy. White guys can't say that right now. Yeah.

You can say it again. Watch this. Watch. Say it again one more time. Stop Asian hate. Okay. You can get away with it right now. Resilient.

Ooh, I like that. Yeah. And an E. Elusive. Elusive. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Is that a compliment? It's a compliment. Elusive is kind of like a dodgy creature. Like a raccoon. A survivor. A raccoon is elusive. Survivor. That's good.

Okay. Fine. Yeah. All right. So. And W. W. W is a winner.

A white. What a white. A white. Winner. Yeah. A diverse. Yeah. What was our?

Resilient. Resilient. Elusive. Winner. Yeah. Pretty good. Bobby. Yeah.

Ready? Yeah. Bold. Easy. Bold. Orangutan. No. Bold.

Yeah. If you say. You can't say obese. Outrageous. There we go. Because that's good. That's good. Bold.

Outrageous. Beautiful. Yes. Bombastic. Very good. And why? Yellow. Yellow.

And then Rudy. Yeah. Okay. You do Rudy. I'll do Jules. Okay. That's it. Okay.

Rudy. Respectful. Correct. That's good. Understanding. Determined. Wow. Yellowish.

Yellowish. Yellowish. Yellowish. Yellowish. Yellowish. And then Jules. Jewish. Because we know how much she likes them.

Yeah. She loves them. She mentions it all the time on the show. Loves them. Understanding. Yeah. Lacksadaisical. Yes.

Yeah. Lacksadaisical. Yeah. E. E. E. E. E.

E. Enigmatic. Because you're very unique. That starts with the E. Enigmatic. Enigmatic. Enigmatic. Into everything.

So I never say that. It might not. Enigmatic. Enigmatic. Okay. And S. Sweet. Sweet.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Now you do fancy. Okay. And it's fancy B. Okay. Yes.

F for fun fun. Yeah. A for Artsy artsy artsy is good. He is and For nice. Yeah, he is very nice C for Crazy crazy. He's kind of crazy. Yeah, why for Yellowish Yellowish that game. Oh, let's first of let me just mention that game. Yeah Fucking suck It was bad. Yeah, it's a bad game

But sometimes you have to end the show with a little bit of a fucking sucky you guys have to do more But can I tell you something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, let you know usually have slides Well, how about we why don't we threaten their jobs? Yeah, yeah, do you want it? Do you want to come back? You both come in here. They're on probation now. Yeah What was that guys fellas that that game it feels it feels like you came up with that game Driving here. Oh fuck. We forgot a game. We forgot the game, right? What do we do? You know me you got to try harder because There's other people that want your spots a lot of people that want the spots I think

well probation I guess because what It was Pete's idea. Oh, look at me shaking it off. He's shaking it off Pete's shaking it off Yeah, yeah, yeah, because you know When we take this show on the road, you know me we get you get a step it up because we're gonna do rope Yeah, we're doing this on the road No, we'll take both well first of all we were gonna take you both and now I'm a little hesitant to take you both

Well, are we gonna take this on the road? Yeah, we have to it'll be packed. We have to where do we go? Houston we gotta go everywhere. We have to go all over the south We have to go everywhere. Yeah, bring clothes bring jewels on a tour bus. Yeah. Oh, yeah And Jules gonna be doing schoolwork. Maybe you should know or maybe she'll meet somebody. I don't want to I'm not Yeah, I'm not prepared for that. Yeah. Yeah. All right Jules gonna take us out. Do you think that Jules gets married? We'll go to the wedding you to say it Would you ask Andrew to be in your wedding? I don't want to get married. Why are you getting so angry? I don't know if you ever got married the wood. What would I be in the wedding?

Would I would I have a title like would I be the flower boy or you can be the flower boy? You know, I'd be the ring boy. You'd be the ring guy. I'll be ring boy. Yeah flower boy Oh my god, me and you walking on the aisle together. It's so funny. We're a little toot-toot Well, we're dresses if one day you ever do get married. Yeah, please you have to let us be the ring boy and the flower boy Okay, okay promise. Yes. Look in that camera and say I promise. I promise Thank you for being bad. No, no, no, these two have to say it because they're in trouble. Yeah, look in the camera and say it Eric, Eric Andre? No, no, where's Eric? Oh, no, I don't know. Is he in the number?

Are you sure? Yes, sure. Well, that's the number that Eric gave me. He's calling another contact from him to give you. Wow, but how do we call him if I don't have his number? This is the number that he gave me. He's calling contact from him, his family. Do you know Bobby Lee? No, if you know Eric, then you'll have more contacts from him and not from God.

Well, nothing. See you later. What did he say? He was getting mad at you?