Bad Friends - Andrew's Airplane Emergency
Episode Date: May 27, 2024Get MORE Bad Friends at our Patreon!! https://www.patreon.com/badfriends Thank you to our Sponsors: BLUECHEW, Rocket Money & Morgan & Morgan • Rocket Money: Stop wasting money on things you don't us...e. Go to https://rocketmoney.com/badfriends • Morgan & Morgan: If you’re ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. For more information go to https://ForThePeople.com/badfriends or dial Pound LAW (Pound 529) from your cell phone. This is a paid advertisement. YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Andrew Santino is ALIVE! 7:30 Santino Gets MGK's Sweater 17:03 9 Pounds of Poo & Fake Death Scares 29:50 Bobby & Carlos Hell's Angels Kiss 36:40 Are Dolphins Actually Smart? 43:28 Couch Turds & Stolen Weed 52:02 Terrence Howard Blows Joe Rogan's Mind 58:37 Bobby on The Evil Laughing Contest More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Fancy SOS VHS: https://www.youtube.com/@SOSVHS Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producer: Andrés Rosende This episode contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends #sponsored #ads Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
This episode is brought to you by RBC Student Banking.
Students, get $100 when you open an RBC Advantage Banking account,
which includes no monthly fee, unlimited debit transactions in Canada,
Avian points on debit purchases, and so, so much more.
Unlock more perks for less with RBC Advantage.
Conditions apply. Offer ends June 30, 2024.
New eligible clients only. Complete criteria by August 30th, 2024.
Visit rbc.com slash student 100.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
Who?
White dude and Asian dude.
Who?
You two are disgusting.
Who?
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
I was so worried about you.
Thank you, baby.
We thought you were gonna die.
I definitely thought I was gonna die.
I can do the quickest version of the story.
No, we want the slow version.
Slow burn.
Well, first of all, welcome back Fancy B from España.
Yay. Yay.
Second of all.
My agents call me and they go, you're not doing it.
And I go, what?
What?
The zombie movie.
Oh, his movie.
And I go, I have to do it.
You cannot do it.
I've never seen my agents call me
and just beg me not to do a movie.
Did they read the script?
Yeah, they read the script.
They saw the no money.
Right.
Spain.
Right. Years. A lot of things layered. Yeah, there's not really a they saw the no money. Right. Spain, years.
A lot of things layered.
Yeah, there's not really a lot of incentive to do it.
I read it on the plane and that's why I had
a medical emergency because I was reading.
I'm doing it anyway.
I know, I love you.
So I get a text message.
I get a text message from Jesse, our old friend, JetSki.
Right?
It says, oh my God, I can share the photo.
Oh my God, I'm on a plane and Andrew Santino just overdosed.
Okay, I know.
But okay, not just that.
Yeah.
I get a call from TMZ.
They called my agents, yeah.
Right, and TMZ is he, is he alive?
You didn't answer the, did you answer the phone? Yeah. Why are you answering the phone?
I go, who's alive? Yeah. Who's alive? You're boy. We heard drugs and this. I go crazy.
No. What? No. Right. It was diarrhea.
Diarrhea. Yeah. Yeah. It was diarrhea, right?
It was diarrhea.
Well-
It was fainted in the plane though.
Kills people every year.
Which kills a lot of people, 55,000 people
in first world countries, by the way, 200,000 globally.
It was-
How does diarrhea kill you?
With dehydration.
Drink water.
You can, no dude.
When I have diarrhea, I drink water
while I'm doing diarrhea.
That's right.
Whoa, dude.
I'm gonna replenish right then.
1.5 million people died from diarrhea in 2019.
Holy fuck, I didn't know that.
That's so many.
So here's what really happened.
I didn't overdose.
And also, we apologized already to the fans of Abu Dhabi.
I was advising-
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry we couldn't go.
So, I was sick in Nashville, right?
Saturday, I didn't feel that good.
Saturday, late show, okay?
No booze, no nothing, nothing.
Just eat a meal, not feeling right.
Go to bed.
Sunday morning, I wake up.
Back up, back up, back up.
Yeah.
What's the feeling?
How do I start?
What's the beginning of it?
No, no, what I'm saying is that I'm not feeling right.
I want to be specific because I want to know
if I have those symptoms, what to do.
Okay. So- Well, I'll tell you what not to do. Don't get on know if I have those symptoms what to do. Okay.
So.
Well, I'll tell you what not to do.
Don't get on a flight.
Okay.
Juicy farts.
No, it's not farts yet.
Okay.
So what started as nausea up high, high in my throat and then fogginess.
Oh my.
So on the second show on Saturday night, I felt like the set was good, but you know when
you're there, but you're like, I'm on autopilot.
I was on autopilot.
I was just kind of doing the jokes, but you're like, I'm on autopilot. I was on autopilot. I was just kind of doing the jokes,
but I was like, I feel so weird.
I go back to the hotel that night.
I sit in bed, can't go to sleep, super nauseous.
I go to the bathroom, take a shower, come out,
real nauseous, achy, strange.
Go to sleep.
Sunday morning, I wake up to go golfing with Court McCown.
The whole morning, I feel like I'm gonna throw up. The whole morning, I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
The whole time, I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
I feel woozy and out of it.
I'm eating and drinking.
You know, I'm having like healthy stuff, nothing crazy.
Then Sunday night, I get back to the hotel.
I call Lucy at Nashville Zanies,
and I said, something's wrong.
I don't even know if I could do the shows.
Like I feel awful. Why do you do't even know if I could do the shows. Like I feel awful.
Why do you do a Sunday show?
I did two Sunday shows.
For the fans, baby.
Okay.
So I get, she says, I'll get you an IV.
She calls Nate Bargatze's sister,
who is an angel who came through
with her friend who does mobile IVs.
Are they hot?
In between shows, none of your business,
don't say that, that's our friend's sister.
Oh no, just not Nate's, but the other one.
It's Nate's sister.
Not the other one.
The girl who administered the IV?
Yeah.
Okay, just move on.
Okay, okay, it's fine.
So then I get the IV in between the shows,
it's not working.
Like I get a boost of energy for the second show.
Can I tell you something?
But I feel dog shit.
I'm sweating, I'm vibrating.
Can I interject something?
Yeah.
I know it's your story, but I wanna interject.
Gone, yeah, it's not funny.
What am I about to say is not gonna be funny.
No, mine has not been funny.
I love it though.
Okay, go ahead.
Yeah, it's very interesting.
Yeah.
I knew something was wrong because you called me on stage.
I did, yeah.
And usually when he calls me on stage, it's, what's up?
I'm doing a show. This time, he's on stage, there's a crowd behind him.
He's like, hey.
And so in my mind, I'm like, oh, he's not doing a show.
He's just calling me off.
I was so out of it.
There was something wrong.
But I'll tell you why.
There was a weird omen in the air.
A guy.
Oh shit, Damien was there?
Damien was there.
Oh shit, with the 666 on his face.
Dangling his penis fingers all over the crowd.
That's not Damien, that's Casper.
Oh, that's Casper.
Up in the balcony of Zany's, in the middle of my show.
No.
A guy passes out.
Medical emergency, medical emergency!
How weird is that?
Second show for a show.
Second show.
Oh no.
Medical emergency, they're yelling
and our good buddy, great musician, Noah Khan came
with his-
Never heard of him.
Really?
One of the biggest musicians right now.
You don't know who Noah Khan is?
He's fucking massive.
Is it Shaka Khan's brother?
Yes.
It's Shaka's younger brother.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's the man.
Oh, I love Noah Khan.
He's the fucking man.
Anyway, in the middle of the show, medical emergency, we stopped the show.
I think somebody's dying or having a stroke or a heart attack or something bad.
We get through that.
I feel like I might have a stroke or heart attack.
So it's already this weird omen energy.
I go back to the hotel that night feeling not good all night long.
Poop, poop, poop, poop, puke, poop, puke, puke, poop.
Not good.
Can I ask you a question? In that order. Poop, poop, poop, poop, puke, poop, puke, puke, poop, not good.
In that order, poop, poop, poop, poop,
okay, puke, poop, puke, poop, poop, poop, poop,
puke, poop, poop, puke, poop, poop,
yes, okay, okay, exactly.
Can I ask another question?
Please.
What is the ratio in terms of puke to diarrhea?
It's two to one poop to puke.
Two to one.
Diarrhea always wins.
It always wins.
It always wins.
They're like the Manchester city of whatever that is.
They always win.
Yeah, my puke was arsenal on this one.
I'm sorry.
So anyway, I go to bed,
sweating, sweat through the sheets.
Your body fighting it off.
Oh, buddy, big time.
I wake up the next morning and I said, get room service, get on the plane and go home.
Just go home.
I get room service, I eat a bite of a waffle, right back out.
One bite of a waffle, a berry smoothie.
I figured I can't eat solids, so I'm just going to chug a smoothie.
I chugged a smoothie.
Everywhere. Oh, so. Pfft. Pfft.
Pfft.
Everywhere.
Oh, so your poo was perfect.
Pfft.
Pfft.
It went right through.
Like on Power Wash.
Pfft.
Pfft.
It was unreal.
I get to the airport, I'm woozy-goozy.
People are passing me like,
Bad friends!
And I'm just like,
Bad man.
I'm out of it.
Wow.
I sit down, this is an insane story.
I sit down on the plane.
I know this one.
And I look to my left, there's a bag on my seat.
It's like a, from somebody bought stuff
from one of the shops.
And I go, whose bag is this, man?
Is this anybody's bag?
Like I'm tired.
Yeah.
You know?
It's right behind me, it's MGK and Megan Fox.
That's right.
I don't even see him, I didn't even see him.
I swear to God, I'm so out of it
I literally didn't see the guy and he goes yo, you're the comedian
Santino, yeah right away and I go what's up? He goes, yo, you're the shit. So now I'm sick
I'm like sick touched him. Yeah, I gave him a dab. Right now, MGK. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Megan Fox.
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
So MGK is behind me.
So now I have to turn, you know,
when you like talking to someone behind you,
you gotta like do the,
so I'm sitting on the side because I'm,
I want to be cool and talk to him,
but I can't tell him like, hey dude,
I'm so fucking, I feel so sick right now.
So we're just sharing comedy.
He's a huge comedy fan, loves you,
which is annoying as fuck.
Is a fan of the show, like all of our friends,
we were talking about Tim Robinson's show,
I think you should leave, we were just cracking up,
sharing stories, it was great.
Then finally I turned back around, the flight starts.
And in the middle of the flight I put on my headphones
Right the thanks shout out to Phoenix stand up live gave me the Apple over-the-ear beats as a gift
Anyway selling out all the shows
Okay, so they're looking at the stuff for second. Did they give you a gift?
I asked you did they give you a gift I sold every show too. Yeah, did you get anything?
Well, I did you get a gift you, I- Did you get a gift? You, they gave you what?
Apple Beats over the ear headphones.
All right, okay, after your story,
I'm calling the owner of the club.
Yeah, do it.
And I have a fucking issue.
How much are they? 500 bucks?
Yeah, yeah. That was a nice gift.
They gave you Apple Beats.
Yeah.
Stand up like, the one I sold out to?
Yeah, same one.
Okay, note that.
Go ahead.
I'm mad, go ahead.
It's good to be back.
Yeah, it's good to be back.
So then I put on my headphones
and I lay down to go to sleep.
I miss the flight attendant coming by
to see if I wanted the eater drink.
I'm out, I'm cold, I'm out cold, right?
Then my body does this, one of those.
And I'm like, I'm gonna throw up,
I'm gonna fucking throw up.
I fucking, dude, I get up so fast,
my seatbelt's still on right back in the seat.
Nobody saw, thank God. Was it like when, remember I sat next to you, I get up so fast, my seatbelt, still on, right back in the seat.
Nobody saw, thank God.
Was it like when, remember I sat next to you, I had diarrhea?
Same thing.
Same thing.
Same feeling.
Been there, done that.
This guy.
Yeah.
I get up, I rip the seatbelt off.
She can kind of tell something's up, the way she looked at me.
Ooh, Megan Fox?
No.
Oh.
Megan Fox is paying no attention to my loser ass.
Just, what question?
They're behind me.
Is she hot? Huh? Is she hot? Pretty. Is Megan Fox is paying no attention to my loser ass. What question? They're behind me. Is she hot?
Huh?
Is she hot?
Where are you?
Is Megan Fox hot?
Okay, let's move on.
Yeah, fucking, what the fuck are we talking about?
Already, already, already.
Stunning.
Yeah, dude.
She could have been covered in shit, in my shit,
and I still would have been like, she's gorgeous.
Yeah, I fucking run to the bathroom,
I bust in the door, and I'm real dizzy
because my blood pressure must be super low
because I'm sick and I haven't eaten anything.
So I closed the toilet seat and I sit down on it
because I'm gonna throw up in the sink to the right of me
or to the left of me, you know?
Because I can't even stand up, I'm so weak.
And then I get really woozy and then,
ooh, you know, you hear the fucking, the TV noise.
Wow.
You passed out.
I fainted, I passed out hard.
And I woke up, I was on the floor of the bathroom
at that point, which, my nightmare, my nightmare.
P, all, you know, I wake up sitting on the floor
of the bathroom to the flight attendant going,
sir, sir, sir.
And it's kind of like muffled, I can't really hear it.
How did they open it?
And I hear, no, no, the door was,
oh, I'm sorry, I'm skipping a step.
When I sat down on the seat, I opened the door
and I said, can I get a cold towel?
And she goes, sir, we're not supposed to get up right now
because the seatbelt sign was on.
And I said, can I get a cold towel around my neck?
And then the door was open at that point.
I didn't close it, thank God.
And then you passed out.
And then I must've fainted.
Were your pants down?
No, dude, I was fully clothed.
I was gonna throw up.
I was about to throw up.
So then I pulled him down after I woke up
when they were giving me metalic attention.
So I wake up, I'm sitting on the floor of the bathroom
and I hear her like shaking me, sir, sir, sir.
And then I hear another one going, do we have a doctor?
Do we have a doctor on the plane?
And I'm kind of coming too, but I can't really come to, because I'm like, I feel myself like mumbling. Yeah. So embarrassing.
And I look down to my right and I have throw up everywhere. I've thrown up all over myself. Like
the amount of throw up is hilarious. It's, it's like a fucking, it's like a Nickelodeon show.
They turn on a faucet and she's trying to help me.
And then this guy shows up who's a doctor.
He was a psychiatrist, but he was a doctor.
And he's a psychiatrist, but he was a doctor.
He was a psychiatrist.
He was a doctor, but he was trying to help me out.
And she was talking to me
and they were making me chug apple juice.
And they were trying to recount what happened.
And then he was like, did you take drugs
or did somebody drug you?
And I was like, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm sick, something's wrong.
I have like a bug.
He gives me Narcan, Narcan for people
that are fucking having like an OD.
Opioid. Opioid OD.
Shoves it up my nose and he's like, breathe.
And I was like, I don't know if I'm comfortable with Narcan.
And then it gets up my fucking snooze.
He just had Narcan on him. they gave him the first-aid kit
It has Narcan
So they goose me with fucking Narcan he stabs me to give me an IV
But the bags not working because my positioning is weird
I'm imagine if you had the stuff remember in Batman that the Batman
Yeah at the end when he was fighting the Riddler
and his other army, right?
And he pulls out that green thing.
Anyway.
Adrenaline.
Adrenaline.
Adrenaline.
Adrenaline.
So he Narcance me, hits me with an IV,
the IV, my vein fucking severs,
so the thing is my arms all bruised,
blood squirting every, blood is all over the place.
I'm sitting in piss, I'm sitting in piss and pew.
Not my piss, just airplane toilet bathroom piss.
It could be good piss.
I doubt it.
You don't know who's pissing this, don't you?
I doubt it.
Okay.
If it was Megan Fox's, yeah, if it was Megan Fox's piss,
it would have been fine.
Yeah, yeah, I would have taken some home.
Can I get a to-go cup?
So I'm sitting in piss and puke all over me,
and then MGK comes walking up.
Oh, here we go.
This is how cool of a guy this guy is.
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm sitting there, I'm slunched in a fucking,
in the airport bathroom.
Oh my God.
In the airplane bathroom and he goes,
"'Yo Andrew, you okay?
"'Do you want some apple juice or orange juice?'
And he's got like both, like he bought it from the store.
And I go, I'm literally like,
my neck is craned against the, and I go,
oh, thanks, MGK, very nice of you, man.
It's so good.
I'm craned against the sink.
I'm tucked against the sink.
It's so good.
And he goes, okay, bro.
And then he walks away and the flight attendant's like,
do you want your phone?
Do you want to call somebody?
Cause I'm kind of like, they're giving me oxygen.
Cause my blood level, my oxygen level is super low.
Cause I passed out.
I take my vitals and she goes,
does he know your family?
And I go, we just met.
She goes, you guys seem like close friends.
And I was like, he's just being very nice.
Stars, 11.
Well, yeah.
You know, I'm just kidding.
No, so then he comes back like five minutes later.
They've got me hooked up to an oxygen tank
to get my levels right.
And he's got this sweater in his hand.
This is his sweater.
This is MGK sweater.
He's got it balled up in his hand.
And he sees that I'm soiled.
And he goes, yo, do you want my sweater?
Cause I had taken my sweater off
cause they were like, take your sweater off.
We need to like get, you know,
we need to be able to take your blood pressure.
So I take my sweater off.
You can tell I'm in like a shitty old bed,
you know, like a night shirt or something.
And he goes, do you want my sweater?
And I said, no, dude, I'm going to get,
it's got, I have puke and fucking,
and he goes, I don't give a fuck.
And he throws it to me and he goes, keep that shit, dude.
I don't give a fuck.
He's like, get warm.
And I almost started crying. I was like, keep that shit, dude. I don't give a fuck. He's like, get warm. And I almost started crying.
I was like, MGK.
Like he threw it to a kid at a children's hospital.
Thanks MGK.
So he gave me a sweater, like a fucking Prince.
He hasn't even washed that.
Why would I wash this?
I didn't get anything on it.
It smells.
It's bad?
Anyway.
No, we washed it when I got home.
No, no you didn't.
Yeah, I did.
Well, I didn't.
So this was worse than the earthquake concussion
in the bathroom.
Oh my God.
Dude, I'm telling you right now, that was a good one.
Pretty close.
That was a single.
So then-
That was very, very, very provocative.
So I'll finish it.
Okay.
I get up out of my, they're like,
can you sit in your seat?
At this point, I'm fine. Yeah, I can sit in my seat. I'm woozy. I'm texting my fucking wife. I'm like, you Okay. I get up out of my, they're like, can you sit in your seat? At this point, I'm fine.
Yeah, I can sit in my seat.
I'm woozy.
I'm texting my fucking wife.
I'm like, you need to pick me up.
I cancel my car because I was like,
I can't ride in a car because I'm still fucked up.
I get back in my seat.
I turned to MGK and I just go, sorry, man.
Thank you.
You're a real one.
He goes, I'm just glad that you're good.
And I was like, thanks.
And then I just couldn't look at any,
I just didn't want to look at anybody.
I was so embarrassed, you know? And I get off the plane or I, we
and then they say, everyone has to stop so the EMTs can come get me. I said, for my own
embarrassment, can I just get off the plane? I can walk. I'll meet them in the jet bridge.
If you can walk, yeah. I grabbed my shit, I sprint up the jet bridge.
I throw this hoodie over my head and I sit in the corner
as far as I can, let the fucking paramedics
do my vitals and take care of it.
Cause they have to check you out when you land.
They're doing the vitals, I'm texting,
I'm getting, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing text.
Are you dead?
Did you OD?
You're dead?
Are you dead?
Yeah, people were hitting.
Someone texted from the flight, Jesse and Carlos and said Santino
Odeed on my plane.
They were saying I fucking overdosed on the flight.
They don't have the information.
Then TMZ is calling my agents.
You pick up.
Why?
I love them.
No, they're my friends.
They want to know what's going on.
Of course I get my wife picks me up, we make it.
At 5.30 PM, we're sitting in rush hour traffic.
Holy shit.
And I'm shaking in the front seat
because I can't hold it in.
We get to my fucking front lawn, my hand to God,
I held out.
The moment I opened the car door,
rawr!
My neighbor just like, hey, Andrew!
Clipping his fucking head. I project my dog in the window, rawr, rawr! My neighbor just like, hey, Andrew! Clipping his fucking head.
I projectile my dog in the window, rawr, rawr!
And I'm, rawr!
Rawr!
Rawr!
I'm holding my asshole.
Oh shit.
And for the next four days.
I know.
I lost nine pounds.
Yeah.
I was on the toilet, spraying out of my butt.
I've never had this kind of, it was water.
Every time I sat, water.
I had to go to the fucking doctor twice.
I know.
Cause I was like, dude, something's wrong.
Bro.
And then my doctor was like, where'd you come from?
Where are you going?
I was at Nashville, Abu Dhabi.
He goes, no, no.
He's like, you should.
Nashville already, you did it already.
Yeah, he was like, he's like, he's like.
He said no to that.
No, he. You've been there. Okay, okay, okay. He goes, go back in time and change it. Naturally already, you did it already. Yeah, he was like, he's like. He said no to that. No, he.
No, you've been there.
Okay, okay, okay.
He goes, go back in time and change it.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, he was like, no more, he's like, you can't travel, dude.
He's like, you cannot be, he's like,
you need to take a break.
Your body, he's like, even if I gave you shit,
he's like, you shouldn't be traveling.
So it took me four days.
I called everyone a million times to say I'm sorry.
Took me four days of losing nine pounds.
We were so worried. But now I'm a cutesy-putsy.
Now I'm a little pinup girl.
Now I'm a little skinny pinup girl.
And I finally feel better.
You look like Philadelphia.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you look, when I just saw you.
And that's the last time I'll party with Magic Johnson.
You know what, Magic?
That's enough.
Wow.
It was a crazy story.
Incredible. So shout out to MGK for the sweater. That was very nice. So we want to apologize to Abu D. Wow. It was a crazy story. Incredible.
So shout out to MGK for the sweater.
That was very nice.
So we want to apologize to Abu Dhabi.
Sorry about that, guys.
Who to?
Guys, sorry about that, guys, Abu Dhabi.
Abu Dhabi, and I know you guys are mad,
but there's nothing we can do.
There's no way we're gonna put our boy in Germany.
I was not allowed to fucking fly.
I mean, what, what's going on?
Did we get something?
Yeah.
So we got something, let's see what we got here.
Give it to me.
Yeah, this is straight from UAE.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Is this real?
Yeah.
This is bad, Bobby.
This is bad, Bobby.
This is bad, Bobby.
Bluechew, this episode is sponsored by Bluechew.
Let's talk about sex, baby.
You wanna bring the heat in the bedroom.
You know I do.
Now you can increase your performance
and get that extra confidence in bed.
Listen up, BlueChew.com.
BlueChew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis,
and La Vitra, but in chewable tablets and at a fraction of the cost.
Bobby loves BlueChew.
He loves taking it sometimes middle of the show.
It's a dietary supplement for me now.
Well, sometimes you take it because you're on your way after the show to go see someone,
see a friend.
And then I'm not, because they don't hook up with me.
Yeah, and then that does, that happens, but that's okay too.
You can take them anytime, anywhere, day or night.
You can plan ahead, be ready whenever opportunity arises, and the process is simple.
All you have to do is sign up at BlueChu.com, consult with one of their licensed medical
providers.
Once you're approved, which you will be, you're going to receive your prescription within
days.
The best part is all done online, so no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations,
and no waiting in line at the pharmacy.
BluChu wants to help you have better sex.
Okay, discover your options at bluchu.com.
Chew it and do it.
We got a special deal for our listeners.
Try BluChu for free.
Come on.
When you use our promo code badfriends at checkout, just pay $5 for shipping.
That's bluchu.com.
Promo code is B-A-D-F-R-I code is BADFRIENDS to receive your first month free.
Visit BlueChu.com for more details and important safety information.
And we thank BlueChu for sponsoring the podcast.
Rocket Money!
Hey, man.
How much you think you're spending on subscriptions?
Well, not anymore because I was losing thousands and thousands of dollars a year.
I got on Rocket Money.
Yeah. And now my subscriptions are all done.
You've whittled it down to what you actually use.
Exactly.
Thank God, I'll tell you something.
Most people.
Most of them.
Most people, you're paying for stuff you don't even know.
74% of people have subscriptions they've forgotten about.
I did, you know Bobby did.
And thanks to Rocket Money,
no longer wasting money on ones I forgot about.
Dude, I had
two apps that I signed up for, a photo app that you could edit photos or something from like seven
years ago that I was still paying money on. I was paying a dollar a month. No idea. Why would I know?
But people ask, what is Rocket Money? Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels
your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills
so that you can grow your savings.
Hey, and Rocket Money's gonna try to negotiate
to lower your bills for you by up to 20%.
All you gotta do is submit a picture of your bill.
Rocket Money's gonna take care of the rest.
They deal with customer service, so you don't have to.
Rocket Money has over five million users,
including these two goofballs,
has saved a total of over $500 million
in canceled subscriptions,
saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features.
Stop wasting money on things you don't use.
Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash bad friends.
That's rocketmoney.com slash bad friends.
Rocketmoney.com slash bad friends.
Morgan and Morgan.
Oh my God, you've been in accidents.
Ow, ow, ow.
What happened?
I just got into an accident.
I hit you. Ow, why would you hit me? What are you going to ow! What happened? I just got into an accident.
I hit you.
Ow, why would you hit me?
What are you going to do now, bud?
I'm going to call Morgan & Morgan, pal.
You know why?
Because they're America's largest injury law firm.
They have over 100 offices nationwide and more than a thousand lawyers.
You're done for, pal.
Oh no.
Morgan & Morgan is America's largest injury law firm.
Is that what you're saying?
That's what I'm saying to you.
You have over 100 offices nationwide and more than a hundred thousand lawyers?
More than a thousand lawyers.
With over 20 billion recovered from over 500,000 clients.
Morgan & Morgan has a proven track record of fighting to get you full and fair compensation.
You know what, dude?
What, dude?
Walking the entire wall of China is hard.
Yeah?
Submitting an injury claim with Morgan & Morgan is easy.
Yeah, I got one.
Understanding what Terrence Howard is talking about is hard.
Submitting an injury claim with Morgan Morgan is easy.
If you're ever injured, and I hope you're not, but if you are ever injured, you can
check out Morgan Morgan.
Their fee is free unless they win.
For more information, go to forthepeople.com slash bad friends or dial pound law, pound
five to nine from your cell phone.
That's for the people, F-O-R, the people dot com slash bad friends or pound law, pound
five to nine from your cell.
This is a paid advertisement.
We're wanted.
Dead or alive.
I can read it.
Who made that?
Wanted by the United Arab Emirates.
I know you did, let me read it.
Whoa, you have to read this.
Wow, this is serious, huh?
Wanted by United Arab Emirates,
Bubby and Andrew Santino.
No call, no show.
No call, no show.
Being stupid and mad.
Being stupid and mad.
In disrespectful behavior.
Show your anus to anyone with eyes.
Show your anus to anyone with eyes.
Cancellation, Norfolk, Virginia, appears in 2023.
Don't turn off less successful podcasts to focus all your energy on the ones people are
actually watching
sexual harassment in the workplace.
No giving Carlos to the FBI.
No giving Fancy B to ICE.
Wow. Wow.
Anyway, thank you.
Thank you to the fine people of Delta Airlines
for being a bad friend and taking care of me.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
Shout out Dr. Warren down in Orange County.
Hey, Dr. Warren.
Thanks.
Thanks for your help, Dr. Warren and Delta. Thank you. Shout out Dr. Warren down in Orange County. Hey, Dr. Warren. Thanks. Thanks for your help, Dr. Warren and Delta.
Thank you.
Shout out Delta.
They killed it.
Unlike that girl who got mad this past week at Delta.
Did you see that thing?
But did you-
She's like, screw you, Delta.
I missed my best friend's wedding.
Did you-
It's like, you missed the flight.
Know how you got it?
Did I know how I got this bug?
Yeah, yeah.
Through food or through-
So I went to the urgent care.
Yeah.
And I went to my doctor doctor.
I went to both because I was that scared
because dude, on day three, I lost six pounds in one day.
Wow.
And I went to urgent care because I was concerned.
I couldn't think right.
I was like, you know, and he was like, is there blood?
Can you, are you incoherent or have you passed out again?
I said, no, no, no.
He goes, good.
You don't need to go to the emergency room.
Okay. But he goes, we'd have to take a stool sample
to find out what it really is.
But he's like, there's been a lot of these things
going around where people are catching these bugs,
these flu-like symptomatic bugs,
and it rushes through your system.
And then it-
But do you get it by just eating
or do you get it by talking to people?
I'm like, how do you get it here?
He doesn't know.
Oh, okay, my bad, my bad.
But I took the flu-
I just don't want it.
But I took the flu test, the COVID test,
I took all those tests, nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Wow.
Couldn't explain it.
But he was like, this is not the first time I've seen this.
He's like, I've seen people, this is not,
I've seen people get these stomach things
in the last couple of months.
I don't even know what it is.
He's like, could be something that's new in Nashville
that hasn't made it back here yet.
He's like, I have no idea.
Wow.
Yeah, it's crazy.
But no, I don't think it's that contagious
because no one I was hanging out with, you know?
Yeah.
Zach Townsend who opened the shows, fine.
Court McHown, fine.
Court did it too?
Yeah.
Love those guys.
Fine, they're fine.
Yeah.
So.
Well, I'll tell you something that I realized.
Hmm.
I went to Tony Hingecliffe's show at the forum.
Oh yeah, how was that?
It packed.
Yeah?
It was incredible.
Yeah.
Thousands, like 10, 15,000 people.
That's why he canceled on us.
He did?
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah, well, you know,
people on the internet go after him, but.
Oh, here we go, here we go, here we go.
Joel at Batch Gov.
Hey. Hey Joel. people on the internet go after him. Oh here we go, here we go, here we go. Joel at Batchcom.
Hey. Hey Joel, I'm here with Andrew Santino,
your own bad friends.
What's going on?
Hey buddy.
Hey buddy, I just wanna ask you a question.
Is that cool?
Sure.
And if you don't want this on the internet,
that's fine, we can cut it out.
So Andrew played your club at Stand Up Live.
We love the club by the way.
It's one of the best comedy clubs in America
That's right
Okay
And Andrew's Andrew now do we both I mean I did I did I make you happy with the shows or
We all sold out right oh absolutely yeah, it's interesting that Andrew got
out right oh yeah it's interesting that Andrew got your air what is it Apple Air Pods man AirPods headphones oh yeah you got me shoes you fucking spoiled
Brett hang up the phone Joel I'm so Joel, I'm so sorry. Joel, I forgot. Joel, I'm so sorry.
I forgot, I forgot.
Fuck you.
Oh fuck, I'm so sorry.
I love you Joel.
Apologize, apologize.
We'll play next year.
Andrew. Yeah.
They were golden good shoes.
Oh, I know they were good shoes.
He's a fucking asshole.
He said you didn't get him anything.
Joel, have a good day.
Bye, dude.
Wait, okay. You're, first all, you're a such a fucking asshole
This is exactly I fucking forgot this feels so right this feels wrong. So right. No, it feels so right
You're right. He bought me these eight hundred fifty dollar pair of shoes. Fuck you and I've been wearing them
And that's but I forgot so I'm like
Such a piece of shit.
And now I connect it.
So anyway.
Okay, you happy now?
I feel so embarrassed.
Okay, so to make it even,
you have to let me piss on those shoes and throw them away.
You have to let me pee and puke on them.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Did you get FOMO from the Netflix luncheon photo?
It's funny you say that.
I almost texted you about it because-
I added myself in, I have a photo of you.
You're in it?
Yeah, I'm in it.
Show me the Netflix luncheon photo.
You were invited.
No, we weren't.
No, we weren't.
You were invited to do the show.
This is just for people who did the-
No, no, no, that's funny because let me say something,
okay, progress, all right?
I've been doing my investigation
and I've been doing my homework.
That is not correct.
Why not?
There are people there that didn't have anything to do
with any shows.
Yeah.
Well, no.
Case in point.
This guy?
No, case in point, go to the left.
He didn't do anything.
Case in point.
He probably did.
Eric Griffin.
I called Eric, I go, hey bud.
I saw the photo, I go, hey bud.
Well, he brushes Matt Rife's hair at night.
Oh, that's so funny.
Yeah, yeah.
I go, hey bud, did you do any Netflix shows?
He goes, no, man, I just went to the lunch.
No.
Yeah, so-
No, I mean, Pauly's there celebrating next to Jimmy Carr.
There's some really good people there, Shang Wang.
Some- Dude, dude, dude. Everyone. Here's what, here's- Let's see here. Yeah, everyone I mean, Polly's there celebrating next to Jimmy Carr. There's some really good people there. Shang Wang, some huge dude.
Everyone here's.
Let's see here. Yeah, everyone's there.
And here's and look at that.
Kreischer in the pool next to the next to Ted Sarandos.
Yeah. No, this is this is a fun photo.
It's a great. I'll tell you why I have FOMO.
Yeah, you because everyone in that photo are people that either know
or I completely respect.
And it's like, I'm like, you know, one day,
maybe I'll go.
Now, how did you feel when you saw it?
Be real.
Do you want me to be-
Because I've talked to Esther about it.
And she's FOMO.
Oh, that's, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I think you know me well enough to know better.
I think everybody in this room knows.
I couldn't fucking care less.
Neither.
This means nothing.
Why, who cares? This is so meaningless. I didn't mean to listen to less. This means nothing. This is so meaningless.
This is funny.
A zoo in China has been accused of dying dogs,
black and white to look like pandas.
Brilliant.
That's what they do in Mexico.
That's so brilliant.
Well, the dogs are all gone.
This is the save the dogs.
This is the save the dogs campaign.
They got to pull them off the streets
and so they had to put them somewhere.
These dogs?
The dogs couldn't roam around the streets of China
so they had to put them somewhere.
Dog eating dog.
Mm-hmm.
I got it.
Got it.
I got it.
A zoo in China is painted.
It's so funny to paint it.
That dog, actually, I would love a panda dog.
Dude, those are so cute.
I would 100% buy a panda dog.
Die that thing permanent.
Yeah.
What is that?
Hell's Angels having homoerotic-
All right, anyway, let's-
No, this is so interesting.
Do you know about this?
There's a bunch of photos that are going on the internet
that have been like revived from Hell's Angels,
LA division, right?
Aren't these Los Angeles Hell's Angels?
Yes, yeah, 60s.
West Coast Los Angeles Hell's Angels,
they would make out with other angels like this.
Look at that guy.
Yeah, yeah.
And they did it to, what is it?
Display of a comfortability in their own masculinity.
And if other people got uncomfortable,
they would beat the shit out of them and kill them.
See, that's why I do it.
No, it's not.
No, honestly, last, yeah.
No, you guys do it because you're gay.
No, no, I'm not.
I'll do it right now.
I'll do it right now to do it. No, see. No, no, I'm not. I'll do it right now. I'll do it right now to do it.
No, see. No, no, and gave a Hans Kim an award.
What was it?
To induct him in the Tony Hall of Fame, whatever.
So I walked up with the award and I see-
Congratulations.
They had to get you to give it to him?
Yeah, yeah.
And I see Dr. Phil to my left, Adam, right?
Yeah.
In front of the big crowd, and he stood up,
and I stood up, and we just kissed on the lips.
You and Adam.
Dr. Phil, sorry.
Yeah, Dr. Phil.
And there's a sense of like, it seems cool.
To whom?
To us, like we're so above it almost,
like this is like, we see past, you know what I mean?
How far does it go?
That's it.
Okay. All right.
Then last night. I'm just saying.
Last night I was at the fucking,
Josh Adam Meyer was at the fucking his show.
Another gay kissy show.
Yeah.
And I went, so I do my set,
and then he came out to sing a song with Duet.
Yeah.
And then during the song,
we just looked at each other and we kissed twice on the lips.
See, I think this is gay shit.
It's not gay. It's not gay. It's like we're artsy. We're above it.
But see, people use art as a distraction.
That's so funny, dude.
No, I relate.
That's what you do, right? Do you understand what I'm saying?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, come here right now.
This is some Catholic school.
Yeah, come here right now.
Yeah, this is repression. This is rep Catholic school. Yeah, come here right now. Yeah, this is repression.
This is repression is what this is.
You guys are...
It's like this, it's like...
Yeah, it's for the laughs.
Yeah, for the...
Look, he wants more.
Get out of here.
Get out of here, dude.
God, I don't know.
That's what it is.
I just don't get it.
Have I done it with you?
No.
I've kissed you on the lips before.
On the cheek, I'll kiss you on the cheek.
On the lips, no, yeah, yeah, he's done,
you've done lips.
For the gag?
You've done it to act artsy.
I'm not talking.
We did it live at one of the fucking gigs, right?
And you looked at me,
and you were in one of those like Basquiaty moods.
You're like, I'm Rembrandt, whatever.
And you were like, you locked my eyes away when we did it.
And then you kind of went, yeah, that was cool.
That's what they're doing.
Fuck you.
The rest of the country is right.
We are weirdo lunatics.
Yeah, West Coast.
It's like when David Bowie and fucking Lou Reed
and Mick Jagger used to kiss on the lips, right?
They're gay.
They're not gay, they're fucking artsy, dude.
Art is gay.
CBGB.
Art is gay.
Right?
We just, you know know art is gay. Yeah
The album below we were in Germany
Germany together we fucked that looks like I love it dude. I wish I was a Hells Angel back there
It looks like me and Raj Sharma
Yeah, you and Mo and yeah me and. And why is Daniel Stern watching over us?
Daniel Stern's gonna get, yeah, yeah.
It's fucking nuts, dude.
Rick Glassman, Rick Glassman's there.
But what's wild about this is it would start fights.
These guys would, and they'd fight to the death
for some of these guys for criticizing the sexuality,
which is ironic because they also were homophobic.
They would go beat the shit out of any minority,
black, gay, Jewish, if they felt so.
Yeah.
I mean, but they're two different things.
It's-
You're acting as if they're completely two different things.
No?
Hunter S. Thompson wrote, they can't stand.
It says, Terry blows their mind every time,
especially the tongue bit.
The set of photographer invariably whips Hell's Angels
into a kissing frenzy.
So whenever there's someone taking photos,
they start kissing. Tongue? That's what it says. Hunter S. Thompson wrote all about it and Hell's Angels into a kissing frenzy. So whenever there's someone taking photos, they start kissing.
Tongue?
That's what it says.
Hunter S. Thompson wrote all about it
and Hells Angels is a great book.
Have you done tongue, Carl?
Tongue is not artsy.
I've done tongue once, it was all.
With who?
A guy kissed me in the back of an Uber
and he stuck his tongue down my throat
and I kissed back because I didn't want to be mean.
Now you know how girls feel.
Exactly.
When they put up with some fucking creepo, dude
Yeah, I just had to put out so that it wouldn't be awkward
I went on a date with a girl from Los Feliz and at the end of the day I turned
I go into kiss and she went the Cobra and I
You got Cobra I got Cobra you got Cobra
Yeah, and I kissed her cheek Ha ha ha ha, you got cobra'd. I got cobra'd too? You got cobra'd. Cobra'd. Whoa, dude.
Yeah, and I kissed your cheek.
Whoa.
You know, when you're going for a kiss, guys,
we all done it.
We've all done it, right?
Yeah, but I, but-
Yeah, yeah.
You have?
Yeah, but I mean, I rarely got in cobra.
I think I only know-
I never got cobra'd.
Well, I go in when I know it's appropriate.
Sometimes my instinct's wrong,
but I go, I think this is the right time.
Obviously you were wrong.
I was wrong.
Where was it, outside of the restaurant?
No, it was dropping her off at her house.
So you turn in the car.
So I'm like, great night.
She goes, yeah, me too.
We should do it again.
I go, yeah.
Cobrote.
Cobrote.
What did you say?
What do you then say after she doesn't give you? Oh, oh, oh, oh.
You make it like a little, oop.
Oh, have a good night.
Oopsie, oopsie, oopsy daisy.
Do you get out and open her door?
No.
Have you ever opened a door for a girl?
It's funny, last night I was with a girl at dinner
and then she goes, you're not gonna open the door for me,
which I've never, like, I've never, no one's ever asked.
It's like a real white thing.
Yeah, really?
Was it a white chick?
Yeah.
Oh, you gotta do it.
White people love it.
White girls like stuff like that.
Yeah, that reminds me of the old days.
I wanna write it down, so what else do whites like?
White girls, what do whites like?
Yeah.
They like when you hold a door for them in a restaurant.
Pumpkin sprites, I already got pumpkin sprites.
Lattes.
I have the spray.
Yeah, any kind of latte.
I have the spray in my car when I go on a date,
so pumpkin sprites, they like the door open.
Flowers, any flower. You could pick a flower off the fucking side of the road, they'd love it. I have this spray in my car when I go on a date. So pumpkin spries, they like the door open. Flowers, any flower.
You could pick a flower off the fucking side of the road.
They'd love it.
They don't care.
Platinum cards?
No, they don't care as long as you're paying.
Okay, whatever card.
Yeah, whatever card, doesn't matter.
Whatever card, you need money though.
You gotta have money.
You gotta have money.
They love a good deal.
They love like thrifting.
So they love like, they like chic thrifting.
So I go to-
Oh my God, you wanna get some real good white pussy?
Go to a farmer's market.
I went to one with her.
That's where all the girls are.
Yeah, and we got granola.
Oh, they love that shit.
Oh, they love granola, they love granola.
Buy their own honey and shit like that?
Yeah, they're really into that coconut yogurt.
Yeah.
Yeah, so we got coconut yogurt.
Yeah, white chicks like a lot of bullshit like that.
Farmer's market, right.
Yeah.
What else?
Aloe, you know what Aloe is?
Don't talk to me like that. What is right. Yeah. What else? Aloe, you know what Aloe is? Yeah, don't talk to me like that.
What is it?
Yeah.
It's workout gear.
Okay, Aloe workout, it's like-
It's like Lululemon.
Lululemon, okay, okay.
But the Aloe is like the new shit.
It's like more-
Is it really a workout gear?
Aloe, look it up, it's popular as fuck.
I see it all the time.
Aloe.
Aloe, it's like a hip, you know.
They love Pilates, go hang out outside of a Pilates class.
What, a fisting?
Huh?
Fisting, fisting.
I think you're gonna get less than 1%.
No, I mean a pound, I mean a pound.
Oh, they love that, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the word wrong.
But, oh, so, so.
And they love Palm Springs.
That's why people love Palm Springs.
The location.
They just like to go out there.
The desert.
I don't even know what the fuck they do.
They love it there.
They just go take a picture in front of that sign
that says drugs at that hotel that every girl like,
look at the fuck, look at Palm Springs drug sign,
watch this, look at how many fucking white girls
are below this thing.
Yeah, that fucking dumb sign, whatever it is,
whatever hotel that is.
It looks like dolphins.
Yeah. I noticed.
They love dolphins.
They love dolphins.
Dude, I dated four girls in my life with dolphin pat tattoos.
Shut the fuck up.
Where are they?
They're like either in the back or like on the shoulder.
Really?
They're just really smart creatures, right?
And they're just like sentient beings.
So are pigs, pigs smart?
I know, exactly.
Get a pig back there, cause you look like a pig.
Anyway, that's too much.
Nah, get a pig tattoo though.
I'd actually respect it.
Second smartest animal on the planet next to humans.
Who says we're the smartest on this fucking planet?
I disagree with that.
But are they smart?
Because I saw that document, I don't know.
The Cove.
I side with- I'm a dolphin!
I side with the poachers.
I side with the poachers.
Yeah, me too.
I'm a dolphin, right?
I see a bay, it's filled with dolphin blood.
Yeah.
All right? It's just eyeball, a's filled with dolphin blood. Yeah. All right, it's just a dolphin eyeballs floating around.
Yeah, and he's like, there's a part, a rave,
there's a rave.
You know what I mean?
If I'm in the alleyway and I see a human hand,
I'm not gonna walk down the alleyway.
Hello?
It's not even a bit, I'm not doing,
and that sounds like a comedy bit I'm doing,
I would never do something like that.
It's a good bit.
It's a good bit, and it's true.
Are they smart?
Apparently they're second to us, but which means nothing,
because look at how dumb we are.
Exactly, is what I'm saying.
Because we love self-destruction, huh?
We're the number one at destruction.
I think otters are smart.
Complex problems solving
and understanding abstract situations.
So they understand.
They kiss.
But for the art.
Yeah, not because they like it.
For the art, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's not gay, it's just, you know.
Why ain't, it's okay if it's gay.
You're gay, it's fine.
I love gay.
Yeah, I know.
I love gay.
Not only are they adorable,
they're also incredibly intelligent,
have unique adaptations.
Sea otters are intelligent, see?
See, otters, because they can also build shit.
You know why they're so smart? They're ugly.
They're fucking hideous looking.
Otters are the cutest, what the fuck are you talking about?
Sea otters are ugly, they know they gotta be smart
when they're that fucking ugly.
Let me see, sea otter.
Bro, cute as fuck, what are you talking about?
I got a good photo.
You got a Hitler fucking mustache?
That's a good photo.
Look at that, look at, dude. Bro. I want one. I know, exactly. Those are great. They're great, look at that, look at that, dude.
Bro.
I want one.
I know, exactly.
Those are great.
They're great, look at that.
I'll tell you what's funny,
we had raccoons in the backyard for so long,
and raccoons, they're little assholes, but they're so cute.
What, what's going on?
Don't even get me started with raccoons right now.
Don't you get me started.
Don't get me fucking started with raccoons. I have six't you get me started. Don't get me fucking started with a raccoon.
I have six rat traps set up in my backyard,
the biggest ones I can find
to try to catch one of these motherfuckers.
I'm not kidding.
Right now in my driveway, guess what's on it?
Coons, baby.
No.
What?
Kung pao chicken.
Kung pao chicken?
Kung pao chicken.
Oh, okay, I thought you meant like kung pao,
like you made it.
All right, so I went to Cohen, what's his name?
Genghis Cohen?
Genghis Cohen. Yeah, I love that place.
Right, and I got three dishes.
Yeah.
Beef and broccoli, sweet and sour pork.
Got it. White rice.
Yes.
And I got Kung Pao chicken.
Yeah, so good.
All right, so I'm eating, you know what I do.
You eat, you eat, yeah.
I over-order.
You take one bite of each and you throw it away.
Right, so I'm like, oh fuck,
I wanna fuck with this Kung Pao chicken.
If I put it in the fridge,
it'll be there for nine months. At least. Yeah, yeah. So I go, I'm just, oh fuck, I wanna fuck with this Kung Pao chicken. If I put it in the fridge, it'll be there for nine months.
At least.
Yeah, yeah.
So I go, I'm just gonna keep it in the box
and stick it in the trash bag, put it in the trash, bro.
Can't do that?
Kung Pao chicken all over my face.
Oh yeah, you did that to yourself.
And I won't even clean it.
You knew about it.
They clean it.
No, they ate what they needed and then they're done.
And then come back tomorrow night and clean it.
Did they knock over the can or they just opened the lid?
They somehow climb on top of it.
I've seen them open it up.
And they can balance like Circus Alacia.
Yeah, it's amazing.
And they can get the Kung Pao out.
Yeah.
Yeah, wow.
No, it's incredible.
I've seen some of their skills are incredible.
But is it illegal to murder one?
No, we looked it up.
You can catch them, but you're not supposed to kill them.
But if you do kill them, who's gonna know?
Throw it in the LA River.
But they're so cute too.
Some of them for sure.
You can kill it anytime, day or night, in any legal manner.
Hey!
Is that what it says?
Yeah, California.
If it's causing property damage, you can kill it.
Is eating Kung Pao chicken property damage?
Yes.
Okay, then I'm gonna kill it.
I don't wanna kill it, I can't kill it, but.
I don't know if that's eating, if that's,
it's not like ripping up your lawn or anything, it's not doing anything. Yeah, I can't kill that, but. I don't know if that's eating, if that's, it's not like ripping up your lawn or anything.
It's not doing anything.
Yeah.
I know what I'm gonna do.
Imagine that Bobby has to go to court
for killing a raccoon.
You can use a lethal body grip trap
that will snap its neck or you can shoot it.
Don't attempt to poison it.
Why?
You wind it with bigger problems on your hands.
A CO2 chamber. That's a CO2 chamber.
That sounds like a mafia threat.
Yeah.
You're gonna try to fucking poison me and the other boys.
You're gonna end up with a bigger problem
than you ever fucking wish.
All right.
As the world's population grows,
so does the need for resources like Potash
to support sustainable food production.
This is why BHP is building one of the world's most sustainable potash mines in Canada.
Essential resources responsibly produced.
This is what BHP has committed to Canada.
The future is clear.
It's happening now at BHP, a future resources company.
To discover how, visit bhp.com slash better future.
Get to know yourself and your roots better in 2024 with Ancestry DNA. Want to know where your
family comes from in northern France? Maybe you'd like to see how your genes influence certain
traits like diet, fitness, and allergies. There's so much of you in your
heritage to discover. Visit Ancestry.ca and get started with an Ancestry DNA Kit today!
What if we told you you're already off to a great start with so many ways to squeeze the most out
of summer right here? From our largest shrimp skewers ever to a Vietnamese inspired dish
ready in minutes, PC makes any culinary adventure an on-budget breeze. Ruined your couch not just ruin it sheep and I'm gonna have to take her to the hospital. How much was that couch?
Ten fifteen fifteen thousand dollars and the cat fucking ruined it not just ruin it she pees and then there's blood in her pee
Why she's dying? No, I think she has a UTI or something just like her papa Yeah, yeah, and so I put down Saran wrap. On the couch?
Yeah.
What are you, my grandmother?
That's so funny.
Like Saran wrap.
And then not.
Just wrap the furniture.
I come in the morning,
I see pockets of pee and blood on my new couch.
I catch it with the Saran wrap.
Why don't you just put her in a room like.
I can't, because she's a free, she's a free.
She's a free bird.
She's a free bird, dude. And she's half black, half white. She free bird. She's a free bird. She's a free bird, dude.
And she's half black, half white.
She's free.
She's like Obama.
Yeah.
Which does she identify?
Is she white passing or black passing?
She's definitely white.
She's white passing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right.
Until she needs to use that.
She talks like this if she was like a human.
Right.
Like, hi, I'm Eng.
But then around other black cast,
does she like, yeah, she gets into character.
What's up, yeah? Yeah me?
Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah me. Ow motherfucker. Oh motherfucker
That could also be its Asian name. So I'll so he ow
So you check this out. Hmm. I bought
That they delivered it. So I bought this stuff called nature's miracle advanced platinum. No More Marketing Potty Trainer for Indoor.
What is it?
I bought two bottles of it.
I don't know what it is.
It just drinks it?
No, and I'm gonna spray it all over my couch.
Oh, so ruin the couch more.
Yeah, yeah, I don't care.
Right, at this point.
Because, and you're gonna think this is a joke?
You're gonna think this is a joke.
I swear to God, in my mother's life this happened.
Yeah.
Okay.
A week ago, I was with a girl on my new couch.
Hooking up.
We were making out.
Hell yeah.
All right?
And she rolled on, not just the pee,
but she had two poos in there.
Cute.
Right?
And so when she got up,
I could see the poo stuck to her fucking t-shirt.
Right?
And I sort of, hey, let's go to the bedroom.
And I knocked it off with my hand.
And we went to the fucking, how do you say?
There's poo on you.
It ruins the vibe.
Yeah.
It ruins the vibe.
I can't tell her.
I don't know, right?
And I knocked it off
and I still haven't hung out with her since.
She doesn't know though.
She doesn't know.
She does now.
I think when I dropped her off,
she probably looked at her shirt
and goes, why is there, you know what I mean?
Imagine she was embarrassed.
She's like, I went over to the guy's house
with poop on my shirt.
She didn't know it came from your house.
Oh shit.
She could have thought she brought poop.
I could have just blamed her like, hey bitch.
Don't come over to my house with shit.
Why's your fucking shirt?
Why do you have cat pee and poo on your back?
Fucking shit shirt.
Dude, I don't think as quick as you do.
Spin it, dude.
I have to spin those situations, dude.
You have to.
Be like, get your shit shirt off my couch.
Yeah.
It's like, I used to, when I was a kid,
me and my friend Brian Bradley,
we used to steal weed from this guy's house, right?
Yeah.
After we would steal it,
because we knew that this dude went to work,
and when he would come back from work,
we would go to his house and buy weed from him.
You'd steal it then buy it?
Yeah, we'd steal and buy it and he would go look
and he'd freak out like, oh, my weed's gone.
You're like, well, we'll pay you for some.
Yeah, and we go, let us help you.
Because if you're that guy, right?
Then you don't think that they're other people.
No, why would they steal from me?
They just bought from me.
Yeah.
It's actually brilliant.
I should do that with the cat pee poo thing.
You 100%.
Spin it on him a little bit.
Spin it.
You gotta spin it, dude.
One time I pretended to roll up a joint
from this girl's weed at her birthday party
when we were in England.
We went to like a random house party.
Yeah.
And my buddy Travis was like rolling up the weed
and the British guy was like,
here you go, here's our tin, roll up.
You guys know how to roll up.
And he gave him like the whole tin of weed.
Yeah.
And Travis looked at me and was like,
let's get the fuck out of here. We took whole tin of weed Yeah, Travis looked at me. I was like
We took their tin of weed and we walked out
Wow, so mean Wow. Yeah, yeah, they were looking for you. It was a party He thought he was like cuz he was like he was like the cool American guys. What would you do?
What would you do? We went to your party Carlos and we stole a tin of weed from here if you guys literally did no
Just work. No, my name is uh.
Marcos.
Marcos.
Marcos.
We're from Spain.
And I'm Wilfred.
I'm from Sweden.
I feel like I'd be legitimately really upset.
Oh, what are you gonna do about it, pussy?
I'm Marcos, I'm from Sweden too.
Yeah, I need my weed back.
I want to be from the same country.
Why do we have to be from different countries?
Well, you don't know how to do accents. I know, but I want to be. Okay, you're from do we have to be from a different country? Well you don't know how to do accents.
I know but I want to be...
Okay you're from Sweden.
I'm Marcos.
I'm Marcos from Sweden.
I need my weed back because I'm addicted.
No we're not done. We walk in.
Let's do this.
I'm Marcos.
You are Marcos.
I'm Wilfred, you're Mar marcos I'm a marcos form of Sweden hey man you got any bad for us to smoke
You have the cockroach for us
No, yeah, here's a little cockroach. No, how's that called tin of your marijuana?
Can we take it outside with
Really? You do it right here. Oh hold on look. Oh
Good Really? Really? Do it right here. Hold on. Look. Oh.
Good.
Good.
Because when you-
Get him to look the other way.
Yeah, you have to do that.
Right.
Look over there.
So if you're at home, and if you're going to steal weed from somebody, just do the whole
look over there.
And that never works, I don't think.
Look over there.
Yeah, and then we would have to rub.
I bet you look over there does work.
Look, what is that?
Oh, look, what is that?
And then you just walk away with the weed casually.
We should see what it is.
What is that?
Ghost?
Too fast, too slow.
What is that?
What is that?
Is that a crack in the foundation of the home?
Getting really started looking for something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your lamp fixture's on fire. Well, no, it'd have to be on fire then for it to be real. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your lamp fixture's on fire.
Well no, it'd have to be on fire then for it to be real.
Oh shit, all right.
It looks crooked, do something, do a small meticulous detail.
Oh, let me try, give me another shot.
Yeah, small detail.
Yeah, is that black mold on your tile?
On your skyle tile?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
There's a hole in that grout in the corner.
There's a huge hole. I wanna paint my own though.
Please. Yeah.
Is that grass growing inside your living room?
It's not.
They take two seconds to look and then they're like, no.
Oh, how about this?
I like your rug, where'd you get that?
West Elm.
But they're still looking at you.
Oh, fuck.
I'm not good at it.
No.
I'm not good at stuff like that.
Try to look over there.
Look over there.
There we go. Gone.
Gone.
Okay, anyway.
Don't steal weed.
Don't steal weed.
You know what?
Steal it.
Steal it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who cares now?
You can just go to the store and buy it.
There's way too many stores that sell weed, by the way.
There was a weed store next to the Home Depot
and I was like, okay.
You know what's crazy?
The accessibility- What is it for?
I know.
It's like really-
But the accessibility of mushrooms now.
Oh yeah.
They're everywhere.
It's just laying around,
last night the comedy was just laying around, big bags.
Well, you know what's how funny that is.
So I get mushrooms every time I go to the comedy store.
Yeah.
And our friend Carol that hooks us up
that we love from New Tropic.
And I have a basket of party,
I have a party drug basket at my house.
So when people come over,
I always have weed for people, mushrooms. I've never seen this.
You're not invited. I don't show it to you.
Okay. Okay. For very obvious reasons.
Yeah. I was just trying to think of- When you were not sober, I definitely
didn't want to show it to you. That bums me out.
Well, because you would consume at a rate that was probably dangerous.
I know. I just thought that maybe we could have a fun night.
Yeah, but- Like together.
You just go too far. Yeah, but. Like together. You just go too far.
Yeah, but like if you went too far with me,
that could be fun once.
Yeah, I mean, I've been fucked up with you, Carlos.
I know, we should just do it more.
No, we're not gonna part, you're sober.
I know, I know, I know.
No more.
I know.
I partied with you.
No more.
We can't reminisce on the part.
No enticing.
Why can't I?
Because that's against the fucking rules.
We partied together, dude.
No more party stuff.
I have a basket of drugs at my house
and when the movers came to move us,
the guy was like,
Hey, I'm so sorry, I can't legally move drugs.
No.
My wife was like, what are you talking about?
He's like, there's a basket in the laundry room
that's filled with drugs.
No.
Yeah, we have it for when people come over for parties.
Wow.
Because when I have people come over, I'm always like,
here's drugs if you want them, you know.
Wow.
It's a courtesy.
It's a nice thing.
When am I, it's kind of rude.
I know you've been sick, but you haven't invited me over.
No one's come over to my house.
I just moved in.
I literally just moved in.
Am I gonna have a housewarming party?
Yeah, you guys got the invite, didn't you?
Yeah.
I didn't get anything.
You didn't get anything? The joke was joke was that I know and I was doing
It wasn't working. Yeah, well you offshoot jokes
I know the joke it never works doing an off right interesting how far he's fallen
He's fallen so that's you falling far instincts are wrong. It was an offshoot. Okay, I don't even know. I don't know. Whoa, dude
I don't even I don't know. You don't know the joke. I don't even know. Whoa, dude. I don't even, I don't even know.
You understood the joke. I think you just said that.
No, I understood that. No, I did.
And then when I said it was an off shoot, it was an off shoot.
I understood the fork.
So fuck it. Get your mind together, dude. You can't fool a fooler.
You can't fool a fooler.
You can't fool a fooler.
Nice try.
No, he's right. Damn it.
Yeah. You can't.
By the way, this is stolen Valor. You're trying to act like you're a fooler. You're not a fooler, bud. Stolen Valor. You're not a fooler. Yeah. By the way, this is stolen Valor. You're trying to act like you're a fooler.
You're not a fooler, bud.
Stolen Valor.
You're not a fooler.
Yeah.
Don't fool the fooler.
That's a real fucking fool right here.
Joan of Arc is Valor.
This is a grade A fucking fool head.
You're not fooling a fool head, pal.
I'm foolish beyond my years.
Beyond.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like infinity foolishness.
Got 52 years.
Oh my God.
Speaking of which, before we go any further, did we watch Terrence Howard on Joe
Rogan? No.
Everyone in this fucking room has an assignment. You need to go home and watch this entire
interview. It's going to blow your fucking mind. Is Terrence good?
Better than good, buddy. Better than good.
He goes off?
He goes ham sam.
He is like a neuroscientific cat, Cat Williams.
Wow.
He's gone.
He's gone.
It's fucking awesome.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's loopy poopy.
Look up one fucking clip of this guy.
I can't wait.
Remember, they have a thing called zero.
They go from one to zero to negative one.
There is no zero to even. Hold on.
The guy that got fired from Iron Man.
The amount of times I've sat in a garage in high school,
getting stoned out of my fucking mind
and heard this in the background,
and then had to go, I gotta get back to my mom's house. Like the amount of times high in a garage in high school.
Xbox, that's what I do.
But this is seriously, this conversation is happening
right now in someone's garage, right now.
One guy's going, the magnetism was never stood still.
And then that's me too high going,
I gotta go back to my mom's house.
I gotta go get a Gatorade at the gas station and go back to my mom's house. I gotta go get a Gatorade at the gas station
and go back to my mom's house.
Or there was one guy going, yeah, dude.
Yeah, not paying attention at all.
Doesn't know what the fuck he's just said,
goes, I get it.
By the way, this is how wonky this shit is.
Go halfway, go halfway down.
Go halfway, just in the middle,
and now listen to where he's at now.
Go ahead.
I don't need anything else,
because they just, they didn't want me
to go and talk about this.
And that's why I went out there and said,
hey, pull out your calculator.
Wow.
What the fuck are we talking about?
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Pull out your calculator.
You listened to the whole thing.
It's, it's, you know what?
It's like, it's what I imagine reading the Bible
would be like. Wow.
It's eating the thickest piece of chocolate cake.
It's annoying as fuck.
I couldn't stop listening to it.
Yeah, yeah.
I was like, what in the fuck?
The first recorded zero appeared in Mesopotamia
around three BC.
The Mayans invented it independently, circuit 4 AD.
He would have a twist on this.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, I'm gonna be real for a second.
Let's, can we just, I'm a lay person.
Ditto.
Excuse me? I just said ditto, you fucking moron. Okay. That's an agreeance. I'm a lay person. Ditto. Excuse me?
I just said ditto, you fucking moron.
Okay.
That's an agreeance, I'm saying me too.
Okay, let's have it.
Anyway, yeah, touche my friend.
By the way, how far away is this show from that show?
Polar opposite.
No, I'm a peasant, okay?
Yeah, same.
I'm a lay person and I don't I don't know what the fuck that means
So what does that mean? What does what mean? How is zero invented in Mesopotamia?
I think zero was something that was just like always a part of now
He's saying zeros pub. They're saying it was publicly recognized as a thing that Mayans used
but is as
calculation
They had the idea of zero is something that's just a truth, no?
Now you're Terence Howard.
Now you're Terence.
What I'm saying is that there's a caveman, right?
One caveman had three sticks.
Yeah.
I don't know what they collected.
Rocks.
And one caveman didn't have any.
That's zero.
They killed that guy.
He had nothing.
Oh, like you killed the guy with the zero.
Zero is dead.
Right.
If you had nothing, you die.
Am I?
Okay, I guess.
You're not wrong.
No, explain it to me, man.
What are we talking about?
When they started to recognize zero as a numerical identification of nothing.
So there was a point in time that no one really knew that.
There's a point in time when I'm sure it wasn't communicated clearly.
Okay.
It's like gravity. It existed before people knew what it was. I know, but that's my point. They used to use sure it wasn't communicated clearly. Okay. It's like gravity.
It existed before people knew what it was.
I know, but that's my point.
They used to use a blank space.
Gravity always existed though.
Look at that.
At first they'd use a blank space to indicate nothing as a value.
And when that grew confusing, they began using a pair of angled wedges as a placeholder for
blank space.
Oh, so the little circle of it.
Yeah.
The symbol of it.
Yeah, the symbol.
You mean the zero?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, zero.
Physically zero.
I'm so sorry.
Maybe I'm like, am I drowning?
No.
No, honestly, am I drowning?
Am I, Tardy?
You're trying to figure out zero.
No, buddy, it's okay.
No, it's, yeah.
Okay.
It's relatively new.
It's only, it's only 3,000 years old.
Also, God bless the guy for having a new enlightenment.
God bless America. Yeah, God bless America, God bless Terrence Howard.
He said he's gonna reinvent the periodic table.
He said it's vertical and it's through sound,
colors are sound.
Pretty cool.
I hope it all comes true.
I Googled when marriage became an institution.
It's 4,300 years ago.
Yeah, it's been around for a long time.
Yeah, but what did they do before?
I know what they did.
What do you mean before marriage?
What did they do?
There were groups, tribes, and two or three alpha male dudes just pretty much fucked everybody.
Right. And then guys like me and Carlos and, uh,
Andreas, not you, McCone. I think you're one of the members. We were just, we were cocks or
something. We jerked off in the watching. You definitely, yeah, for sure. You're, yeah,
historically you and another universe was cocking. You guys were cocking. Fancy.
People like us invited, invented a word. You know what that word is?
You guys were cucking. Fancy wasn't cucking.
But then people like us invented a word.
You know what that word is?
Hmm.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
I can't put it, I'm just saying.
That's what happened, I think.
Yeah.
You need to watch it.
I wanna watch it.
I think it'll help me go to sleep.
Yeah, you're not gonna retain any information.
Yeah, I don't think so.
What is this?
Evil laugh competition.
Oh, shit, I would love to try. would love to you would crush. Let me hear.
These guys are all practicing what they're going to do after they shoot up the school.
That one's pretty good.
Just pause it.
What did he say?
This is an American thing?
No, there's nerds all over the fucking world.
Look at you, you fucking nerd.
This is just a different kind of nerd.
You're a visual fucking nerd. These is just a different kind of nerd. You're a visual fucking nerd.
These are sound dorks.
You like fucking cameras and also in filming.
They wouldn't invite you to the party, fuck.
Yeah, you wouldn't get invited.
They're not even invited to that party, dude.
Yeah, because you'd have to bring a symbol.
Let's do it.
Let's try.
You do one first.
No, you go first.
You wanted to try.
Can I just?
I've never done it before.
Well, let's hear one more.
I want to hear the last one. Yeah, yeah. I want to see the landscape of it.
And they all want to fuck that chick. All these nerds. Is this, this is happening at
a school? What are they teaching these fucking kids?
Alright, let's hear your evil laugh. I'm trying. I'm just practicing.
No. That's really good.
That was actually really fucking good.
You would have won that whole thing.
You do.
You go.
No, no, I wanna envision.
I'm tied to, we're knocked out.
I'm tied to a tree.
I'm in a forest, right?
You know, what do they say whenever someone's like kidnapped?
Their first word out of their mouth is always this.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Right? And you know, what do they say whenever someone's like kidnapped? Their first word out of their mouth is always this.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Oh.
You know who I am?
No.
I'm one of the Hell's Angels.
Please don't kiss me.
Oh, I'm gonna kiss you, baby. Please don't kiss me.
I'm gonna kiss you so hard.
I'm like, hey, I'm like, hey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's good.
Yeah, yeah.
Whoa.
Wow, that's good.
That's good, right?
Yeah, that's like different.
That's my little Hells Angel.
That's really good.
Kissy, kissy.
Yeah. All right, I gotta get Hells Angel. That's really good. Kissy kissy. Yeah
All right, I gotta get on my bike
How funny was you the hell to see a Hells Angel fucking what bitch and then kiss a guy and then
Well, if they have the evil laugh, there's other things they could probably do like climax competition. Yeah evil climax
How about that evil?
Sad climax. Well, that's fucking I can do that one every time.
Okay, do it.
Oh, that's good.
Oh.
I had two.
Yeah.
Right, the first one, I think it's happening.
You little half shot, full shot.
But then once it happened, nothing happened.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what fancy sounds like?
What? Honey nuts?
Oh, would you tell me? Arriba. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You know what fancy sounds like? What?
Honey nuts?
Oh, would you tell me?
Arriba.
Yeah, yeah.
Arriba.
Yeah, yeah.
What does McCone sound like?
Ah.
Ah.
I almost gassed in the tongue.
No cap.
Oh, I gassed inside of your puss.
I gassed inside your puss.
No cap.
On God when he comes. On God, Gen Z coming. Oh, shit on God. You generation fucking sucks. You're a bunch of fucking losers. Yeah. Thank you for being a bad friend.
I'm gonna go ahead and say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that.
I'm gonna say that. I'm gonna say that. I'm gonna say that. I'm gonna say that. I'm gonna say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,