Bad Friends - Are We Really Friends? w/ Erik Griffin

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

New Merch Out Now! http://badfriendsmerch.com  Thank you to our Sponsors:  https://betterhelp.com/badfriends & https://www.doordash.com/ code: badfriends2021 & http://buyraycon.com/badfriends & http://headspace.com/badfriends YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:12 Bobby goes internal   7:20 Are we really friends? 14:31 Cedric The Entertainer and Jerrod Carmichael stories 26:02 Bobby and Erik's comedian mind  33:00 Erik and Nicole Richie's sitcom 37:50 Mortal Kombat Review  48:57 King Kong vs Godzilla, Justice's League and entertaining movies   56:25 Why do people say "hello" when they find themselves tight up in a movie?  1:08:50 Attractive guys have options  1:18:07 The Imaginary Gift   More Erik Griffin  Riffin with Griffin: https://www.youtube.com/c/ErikGriffinPodcast Instagram: www.instagram.com/erikgriffin  Twitter: https://twitter.com/erikgriffin Tickets and more: http://www.erikgriffin.com More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Why, dude? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something. We're bad friends. I missed you, Matt.

Did you? I think so. Whatever, Bobby. No, no. I honestly, I think so. Everybody, just stop. Just stop it. Wait, wait, wait.

Stop! Before you came in here, dude. Uh-huh. Before you came in here, I was talking to the guys and I got... And Juliana could... Rudy could attest to it. Is this true? I'm going internal.

Okay. You know, I'm going internal with my life. You seem different. Yeah, I'm going internal. And when I'm trying to do... It took you to 50 to try to be a good person. Yeah, 49. This is cool.

49. All right. I'm going internal and I'm trying to not be such a bully, not to be... I joke aggressively. Uh-huh. And I'm trying to... You joke from a place of insecurity, but go ahead. I'm gonna let that...

You know what? I'm gonna let that slide. What? You know, my old self would have fought back. My old self would have been like, uh, I disagree or whatever. You all right? Can I tell you the difference already? The last time I came here, the first thing you said when you came in is you insulted

me. Yeah. You insulted me and you were attacking me. Yeah. This time you said, hey, you look good. And it was hard for you to say I could tell. It was hard. But that was you making an effort and I appreciate it.

It was so hard for me. Yeah, I know. I could tell. It was like, it was like they asked me to speak at like the RNC convention. Right? And you gotta be pro-Trump and you gotta say the speech. Yeah. It's like, it just goes against everything that I believe in, but I'll do it.

If they paid you, you'd do it. No, they wouldn't. I wouldn't. Okay. You know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. No, I'm not arguing.

I'm not arguing. Maybe you're right. I mean, you did the dictator. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay. You know what I mean? You know what it is?

I'm just testing you. I want to see if I can make you crack. Yeah, you're not going to make me crack today. If the real you could come back. I agree with you, man. Are we going to call this like, are we going to call this like, you know, toenail clipper brothers? So we could.

Very good. Do you feel a sense of betrayal from Steve? No, not at all. Listen. Yeah. Not at all. I tweeted about them. I'm happy.

I mean, you know. I think they're a good combination. Yeah, they're both insane. You know what I mean? They're the same kind of person. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I agree.

They're, um, I don't want to say it. I'm going to say it. What? You're not going to say it? Just say it. No, I don't want to say it. It's the same space. It's my brother.

You've said worse. Yeah. You think because it's your brother. They have the same kind of insecurities. Yes. I agree. Is what I'm saying. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And them together, they can just feed off each other. Yeah. And also they feel comfortable with each other. Yeah, they do. Yeah.

I'm happy for that. You look good. I said, I know, I just, I don't believe you. So I'm just like, whatever. I'm saying, dude, I'm down 40 pounds and body fat. You look good. You look good. Thank you.

Okay. Thank you. Let's start then. Oh, this is so right. You're not going to. Let me just say something. And I want to, I want to be very, I want to say something. Normally I would say,

You're so Asian. Normally I would say you have a big fat black head. Right. And that wouldn't fit on it. Right. So I like how he said it anyway. No, I would. I don't want to say that, but what I'm saying,

let me finish right. I'm just saying that they made that too small. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, welcome to bad friends. Give Eric Griffin a round of applause. He's here. You know what I wanted to do?

I wanted to come here one time and do like and call it no friends. Are we, I mean, let's, let's, let's, and I would be here like no one's there. Yeah. No one's there. Be no friends, you know, like we almost called our podcast riffing without Griffin, which is,

by the way, hilarious. I laughed so hard when I saw that. If we would have called it that, would you have been angry? Well, first of all, you wouldn't have called it that because your ego wouldn't have allowed to just have Griffin in the name without you. Yeah. But it would have been,

I think it would have been hurtful. No. At the time though, I'm okay. My tone, my tone. At the time though, right? You, I had promised you because remember you and I went to ATC. I know brother.

We drove to ATC before Andrew was even in the mix and we met with Al Madrigal. Can I tell you something? This is the only reason why I was upset. That was it. It was because you weren't up front with me. We already went over this, but I'm just saying all these things I keep hearing about this

is like I am not, you guys are still my friends. You think I don't, I'm mad at you or something like that. No. I don't care. I don't really care. But my point,

I know, but here's what I want to, I want to get to the point of, right? And that's, and that was my honest thing. I want to just get to the point. I want to be my energies.

I want to get to the point where I don't think that none of us are real friends. Why would you say that? Let me just think. Let's go down this path for a second. Please, please. Because at the, here's,

you know, first define, how about this before you go on this path? Yeah. Define what a friend is. A friend is what I feel toward Kalila. Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, no. Aside from the sexual, you know what I mean? Energy and, and the stuff, right? Just in terms of like, I trust her with my money.

Okay. I trust her with, if I tell her a secret, I just know that she'll keep it. I trust her with just certain things that I would trust my brother with, you know, it's just like this deeper.

Okay. But how did you get there? Understanding. Because, we just, I don't know how we got there. We just did. Time.

That's how you got there. I've known you for fucking longer. I understand that. So you're the only person on, on the other side of this that thinks the way you think. No, because listen to this point of view though real quick. Now,

I just wanted to hear what you thought a friend was. So now I get it. So it's like, so before, okay. So, you know, we live our regular, we were born,

you were born, right? And I was hatched. Is that what you want me to say? I was hatched. From, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? There was a beam of light,

you know what I mean? You act like you're like a normal Korean looking. I am very normal. What are you talking about? Dude, if you didn't know me, right? And you put my face next to

50 other Korean dudes, you'd be like, oh yeah. No, you look like, like, remember how the cabbage patch dolls looked? Remember how like,

they had like a really fat head and like a, like the body, you look like that. It's like a compact version of, it's more of a garbage pail kid. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve looks more like a Korean. Like he, whatever, what do I look like then? Whatever Jean got to you. Go ahead. Be mean. I'm not being mean.

What do I look like? What do I look like? Tell me what I look like. I'm just saying, we both came from the same planet. Okay. Don't act like you're all cute. All right.

Thank you. Go ahead. All right. So, you look like, I don't know. I don't know. I've already heard on like radio shows

and whatever, because people are sending me clips of you talking shit about me for no reason. Okay. I apologize. Do you? I do. Okay.

Now go on with the front. Please tell me why you think we're not friends. No, we are friends. No, no, no. You just said we weren't. You said we're not really friends. Did you say that? I'm going internal guys.

Okay. Can I go internal? Go ahead. Right. So, I was thinking about this. It's like, you're born,

you grew up in a town. You did, right? Yeah. Okay. And, um, do you think I was like in a colony or some kind of thing? I don't know where you're from, man. I don't know anything about you.

I'm from LA. All right. So you're from LA. Yeah. The city. Yeah. Thank you. So, um, and then you, you know, you have your neighborhood.

You're, you, you have to become friends with the people that are in your environment. Right. Not necessarily, but that's where you start. Back in the day in, we didn't have no internet or anything. So it's like, you know, yeah, right.

So you, you go to school and you see, I don't know how many people were in your class, but I had like 300 people in my class. You started a neighborhood. Right. Your neighborhood first. Yeah.

Right. Right. Like I had a buddy across the street, Marius. Yeah. My buddy. And you have like Oliver that lives, you know what I mean? Two streets.

Right. Right. Exactly. Frank. And then like Frank is into like, you know what I mean? He eats tree bark. So you're like, I don't know about Frank,

but Oliver seems normal. So then you just forced. Yeah. To be friends with Oliver. They wouldn't let you. They wouldn't let you. You just stuck with like whoever's living there. Right.

And then you go to school. I had about 300 people in my class and then you have this, this is basically, you know what I mean? A pool of people. Yeah. And you go, which one? Those are your Facebook friends. Right.

They're right there. But because, and then when you get older, you move out and the world opens up. Right. And then the internet, obviously. And then all of a sudden, you know, you have, then you,

then you fall, then you discover the thing that you're going to do for the rest of your life. Okay. You know what I mean? Is stand up. Okay. Right.

For you. And then all of a sudden, you know, you're amongst a smaller group of people. Like you're back in school. And then you're picking amongst like, you know, if I've met like at the comments, how many regulars do you think we have? I don't know.

Let's say 200 right paid regulars. Okay. You know, some of them don't get spots. It's probably a thousand. Yeah. Wow. That's actually a good question to think about. Yeah.

I think there's a regular to commie stores, like, you know, almost like a U.S. president. There's not that many. I know. But there's also like, what are you Googling? They're not going to have that listed. They're going to have that listed, man.

Well, they might. Look at that. Paid regulars comedy store. Maybe they are. Maybe there's a list. I've never thought to even look at this. Paid regulars. Oh, there you go.

Oh, there is a list. Wow. Oh my God. What a stupid way to do the list. Yeah. Yeah. This is just all the way down. All the way down.

All the way down. All the way down. All right. So that looks like about a thousand. Just count down and across. That looks about a thousand names. Could be. Right.

Yeah. But I see like Lenny Schultz. Never seen him. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of people on there. If I'm not on there, I'm going to. I see your name right there.

Bobby Lee, Jody Miller. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Karen Haber. Bobby Lee. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But Harry, once the last time, I've never seen him. He's a club owner now. Yeah. Yeah. And then you have Melrose Larry Green. Yeah. Don't know who that is.

You have Kelly Rogers. Have you heard of her? The fat doctor. Maybe we both. That's you. That was you. I knew it. You see what I'm saying?

You see him? I was going to count down. I saw that when I was like, let me see how fast he was so quick. It was like, look out. I said, I didn't even get to finish that. He was like, that's you. Unbelievable. That's what they call you.

You don't know that. Oh, Bobby. You call me the fat doctor. Okay. Anyway. All right. Take that off, please. Spanky Hayes.

Yeah. Charlie Hill. Yeah. So most of the people we don't even know. You know Spanky Hayes? No. Oh, I love Spanky Hayes. All right.

Spanky Hayes is a little. I'm not being, I'm being real. Spanky Hayes is this little black kid. He's my height. Shaved head. Fat. Same body type. Right.

And him and I, back in the, we were open micros together. And him and I wrote a movie. Back then. It's called, it was called War Babies. War Babies. Yeah. So basically we're brothers. But we like.

So how did you betray him? Did you do the movie instead with like a white guy? You know what you laugh? You look like you have no fun. There we go. It's cause I need a mustache on this lip. I think that's what it is. That's what's fucked up.

Yeah. My lip is. I'm doing it. It's coming back. Yeah. Let's start over. No, no, Bobby. Bobby.

Bobby. I want to start over. No, I want to continue with this. You start with, look, you go to, you go to middle school. You have those friends. You don't keep in touch with them. You go to high school. You have some high school buds.

You sort of keep in contact with them more than you keep in contact with anyone else. But you go to college. If you go to college. Right. And those are some people that, you know, you have some similar interests, but for us, like in your entertainers, like you, whatever you do, if you started working and then you started doing

entertainment, look, there's a class of people you start with. You have these open mic people. But what happens is once you start to surpass them, it's hard to keep in contact with them. It's hard to stay friends with them. That's what I'm saying. Okay. That's, that's exactly.

Thank you so much. Yeah. Okay. Fat doctor. Thank you. The doctor has spoken. So, um, what that's exactly what I'm saying because there was a lot of guys that it opened mics with that we would like create stuff with.

And all of a sudden you're like, you become a paid regular and then they're here and then all of a sudden you get TV spots. They're still here. And all of a sudden you run into them and then you're hanging out with all of what happens is you start getting shit and then the cooler ones or the ones that you perceive to be cooler, which is so shallow. Think about it. So shallow.

Like you'll like a jazz on that will go. What's up? And you go me, right? You talking to me, right? And all of a sudden this guy that you were an open mics with, right? You just start drifting apart. Are you still friends with the guys you started with? No, exactly.

Not really. What happened? Well, it's just, again, you, you, you move on your life, your life. Does that make us shallow? No, I don't know if it necessarily makes you shallow so much as it makes you like you need to be around like-minded people sometimes in the same way that like Chappelle, Chris Rock and those type of people, you know, they, they consider around to have conversations about, oh man,

you know, yeah, we made 20 million from Netflix, but I hate when Netflix does this thing and they can complain about that. I want to say something embarrassing that happened to me. So I was doing that game show game on. So I'm standing there with this. This showed me where I was at in show business. All right. So I'm standing there with Keegan, you know, Michael Key.

Yeah. And Keegan, we were just talking or whatever. And then all of a sudden, where we shot our game on next to it was that Cedric show. What's that called? Neighborhood. Neighborhood. The neighborhood.

Yeah. Still, still on the air. Yeah. Insane. Absolutely insane. Just get me on something like that. Yeah. I know.

So Cedric's walking down this lot, right? And Keegan goes, come on, let's go say hi to Cedric. And I go, in my head, I start running with him. But as I'm running, you know, Keegan's run, I'm running right in my head. I'm like, I don't know. Right. I'm running with him like this, right? Then we get to him, right?

And they embrace. It was as if they had served in Vietnam together. Yeah. Oh, Charlie. Yeah. Frank, you know what I mean? And they just hugged, right? And I go, I tapped Cedric.

Because I'm there. What am I going to do? Right? So I go, what's up? Right? He goes, no. That's all he said. He goes, okay.

He goes, no. I got one for you. Yeah. Tell you what happened to me. Okay. I'm having brunch. I'm having brunch with Gerard Carmichael. Love him.

Yeah. He's got it. I just saw him in New York and I was like, hey, can we want to have dinner tomorrow? And he's like, hi, Mike, but I'm having a meeting with Robert Downey Jr. I'm not sure if it's, and I was like, of course you are. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Anyway, we're having brunch. Up walks Jamie Foxx. Okay. With a couple of people. Jamie Foxx is like talking to Gerard. Yeah. He's just like, oh man, his show was on the air at the time. He's going in and in and in.

They're talking. I'm chiming in when I can. Yeah. Whatever. Jamie Foxx goes, well, let me get you. Let me get you. Let me get your number. To draw it.

To draw it once they want to exchange numbers. Yeah. Yeah. Jamie Foxx looks at me as if I'm supposed to get the number for Gerard. You're the assistant. Yeah. You're the assistant. He looked at me like I was one of his.

You're the assistant. One of his dudes that's just around. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Like really?

It's insane. You totally get what you're saying. Yeah. But let's extrapolate this further. Okay. Because this is what I'm really getting from this right. Okay. You think you shouldn't be my friend anymore.

That's what it is. Are you out of your control? Yeah. Is your mind out of control right now? No, no. You think that like you're now Jamie Foxx and Cedric. And so this is why you don't want to. You think that like somehow you're not supposed to be friends with me.

Is your mind mental right now or what? Oh, come on. Let's just be honest. Let's be honest. Let me see something. Let's be honest. This is why you. Give me that.

Give me that. This is why you wanted to be with this guy. Give me that guy. You were like, you know what? Andrew's a, he's more famous. And so this will probably be a better matchup. I'll make a point. Give me the mask.

And be better for you in the long run. That's how you thought about it. This is my relationship with Andrew. Give me the mask. All right. Just watch this. This one gesture, right? This one gesture will tell you the relationship I have with the guy.

All right. Ready? Uh-huh. I love them, but we. Bobby, you build friendships over time and experience. We had our experience together. We went to the Middle East. We dealt with all that.

All right. Yeah. And then when we came back, we've had these experiences. We go eat when we can. We've had these conversations. We've done these podcasts. You're my friend for life. We did it.

Yeah. But Bobby, you don't, I don't think you really believe that. Or you don't act like that. No matter what I do. All right. No matter what it is, no matter how many times I try to like, let you know, hey, man, I'm your friend. I'm here for you.

You still somehow you just don't want to believe it. Like you feel like at some point I'm going to pull a knife out and stab you in the back, you know, and I don't get where you get that from. You know, maybe it's from your lifelong experiences you have with people. So you have to like, so only way to really be your friend is I have to live with you and start a podcast with you and like, you know, take care of you, bring my family around to, to, to, you know, to watch you secretly. You know what I mean?

Is this the only way that you can have a close friend? That's what I'm getting at. What I'm getting is I love you. Oh God. I mean, you're impossible. No, go, go. Come on. Come on down to going down this path.

That's where I was going. Is it? I love you so much. Oh my God. That's where we're at. Do you? Yeah, I do. Because you know, you make, can I tell you something?

Let me ask you, fuck you. No, you got me. No, no, you make it really hard. You're going to be so fucking mad now. You make it really hard to be your friend. Let me see something right now. It's so hard to be your friend. Fuck you because I'm going to tell you this right now, all right?

That whenever, right, like this fucking situation, right? Whenever Andrew's like, you know, we got to get another guy and I go, I always throw out one or two people, right? You're always either one or two. It's either my brother or you. Why? Fucked hard. The reason why fuck is hard.

Is there a proof of this? All right. All right. Dr. fat is this. All right. Fat doctor. Fat doctor. Sorry, but I don't want to fuck up your stage name.

Is because I, I love you and I, I believe that we have good chemistry together. We're very funny together. Yeah. You know what? The best time I, that you remember my cousin had the movie. My cousin's husband had the movie. Yeah. EJ.

Okay. He hasn't called me since the movie, but that really infuriates me by the way. Better health. Oh gee. You know, I should, I should take more advantage of this service. I should too. I mean, I've used it before and I love it. I think everyone should be using it because if there's something interfering with what's

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Let's see. Let's go to door dash right here and it says right here door dash and it says. Pizza. Pizza and ramen. That's what your says. Pizza, ramen, tie is the last three things that I've ordered from there. And oh no, that's not true. I ordered liquor, but you know, that's because I'm a boo sound.

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So you know, my cousin's husband is a producer. Yeah. So he goes, I did this independent movie, Sean Austin's in it, right? They changed the name. What's it called? I don't know what it's called yet. Yeah. They changed the name.

It was supposed to be something games but they changed the name. Yeah. It's about to come out. It was good. It's going to be called. It doesn't matter because no one's going to ever see it. It will. Okay.

But I'm kidding. It's a great movie and I love you, E.J. Hence why your cousin's husband doesn't call you, but go on. So that day, we worked one day, right? Yeah. Right? That was, and I vividly remember that day. I remember going, wow, I've never been on a set, you know what I mean, with somebody

that I'm this close to. Yeah. I really wish we would have got. Every time I see Superstore, I think, man, no, no, let's go back to Superstore. That could have been us. You tested for Superstore, right? Yes. I got pinned.

And when you, when you, so what I'm saying is is that, you know what, they wanted someone to be gay for that role and that's fine. Yeah. They can choose whoever they want to, right? But I did want to be on a show with you. That was my dream, but I, whenever I get on a show, it just gets canceled by the way. I know. What do you mean?

I know. I know. You hear that magic touch? No, Bobby, look, let's get back to it. No, no. Here's the thing, man. It's okay. Here's the thing.

I think we're going down a really weird road. No, we're not. We're going in a real world. Let's go different. Did you see Mortal Kombat? No, we'll get to that. Here's the thing. So the one day we're playing, like I'm playing video games, you know, you hit me up, yo,

you know, can I, what are you doing? Cause you only hit me up when like you, you have somebody, somebody, you need three to do your rebirth islands. You're like, who can me? Okay. Let's see. I'm, I'm already playing with someone and this, this is how you always respond. Does he have more credits than me?

Is he more powerful than me in Hollywood? That's what you think makes like, I wish you had said that that's how you are. You did this all the time. I wish you had said that you go, does he have more credits to me? Okay. And what do I say? I go, Bobby, it doesn't matter. This is my friend.

I'm sorry. Can I just say, could that been, could that been a joke? You know it wasn't. Cause you say that all the time. I know I do it as a joke. A runner. Is it? Yeah.

It's called the callback runner job. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. But the point is, yeah, I'm blushing now that, you know, that is something I, I said, are you blushing with me? Cause it feels, it feels like I'm blushing. It's like when I poked, I tell you, if I poked the director in the stomach.

What? Yeah. So I was, um, in Hungary? No, no, no. I was, I, the years ago I auditioned for this movie and I did a good one and the, and the director was, um, chubby, right? I know. I fucked up.

And, and, you know how like after the audition, Tell me you didn't make like the, no, no, I did something. Marshmallow. I did something. I did something worse. Okay. So, you know, right after you, you know, you, when you're done with the audition, you just leave, right?

Yeah. But so every once or something magical happens where they go, stay. And when they say stay, they want to, they ask more questions about you. And you know, at that point, you're, they want to know how you're like or what you're like so that, you know, when you're on set, they can feel, you know what I mean, comfortable with you. So you go, tell me about yourself. And I'm in my head.

I'm like, I got this. Uh-oh. Right? How'd you fuck it up? And I was really close to him. Like we were like really close and we're like laughing about something, right? And during, we both had this laugh, right? And I went, daddy.

And I poked him in the tummy. Right? I go fat like this. And he goes, thank you. And as I turned around and I left, right, sweat, fear and just regret, just like, what is wrong with you? Well, that's just being too familiar. You know what it is?

That's the comic. That's, yeah. It's the comedian. Like we don't know how to turn that off in regular society. That's what I'm saying. I know exactly. Like one time I was at the Iron Man premiere. Okay.

Holy shit. This guy with Jamie Foxx and the Iron Man. Yeah. I don't know why you didn't go. I never get invited to anything. You know, at the time, Ahmed invited me to this at the time, you know, so we're at the Iron Man premiere. I want to talk about that guy, but all right, we're at this party.

Okay. And it was fancy as party because I didn't know Robert Downey Jr. I didn't even know none of this at the time that he was the star. So everybody was there. All right. It was like just big thing. It's a long time ago. Yeah.

It's a long time ago. It's crowded, man. Yeah. Okay. Well, a two-dayfat voltage after Friday, the first day bathrooms, aitation, it reached about six miles per hour and now two-dayfat voltage. Okay. HARRIS.

And again, just look at this guy who says, you really don't suggest he would, he might have. Oh god, God. We have to fix him. Did he even touch his�. And so when I seised out the van,ianeti, literally Bobby, he's this close to me like Yeah, you get that response when people go what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, sometimes your gut. Yeah, you have to go against your yes, right?

And you can't know you don't know which one right, right? So you go so I should when before I did that I should have said, ah, maybe I think it's an 80 20 Right 80 percent ago bad, right? If it was a 90 10 90 percent positive, right? I might have done it But that was like a 90 10 the other other way, but but I know in your head you think if he likes this This is gonna be right three movies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna be a series You're gonna be his Clint Howard to Ron Howard, right? You know what I mean? Yeah, just but it didn't work. It didn't go Well, I know exactly what you're saying you have these moments. You just go. Oh, I don't know why I fucking did that

Yeah, oh, I have I have another one for you to talk about all right. So this is what just what happened in New York, right? You know, so right first of all Ray Romano calls me When I'm in the hotel, I know I'm gonna hear from him because he's the frickin director, right? But how did you audition for it? I auditioned for it I just auditioned audition on tape and then like a like two months later. I get the part You know what I mean? Oh great, you know because I just read for something two days ago and already today I woke up going I didn't get it. No, no, no It takes a lot takes only because to they don't know what how they're gonna shoot with all these stupid COVID

Restrictions, right? So he calls me. I'm geeking out. I don't know why but I just am legend It's fucking a legend legend and his voice is so distinct, right? He invites me out He goes, you know, we're gonna go to gonna get some pizza in the city and we're gonna go to the cellar in New York in New York I know I know that yeah, okay. All right, so while we're eating he says this he goes You know, I said, yeah, I don't audition. I didn't think I was gonna get it He goes even before the audition you were the first choice. I wanted you All right, and I'm like wow I Get into my dressing room now later on set and the clothes come the clothes have a tag on it

And it says my DJ my name in the movie is DJ Joey Bones. This is DJ Joey Bones actor Mohammed Amir I was like oh shit And I I should have just let it go, but you know The same thing happened to me. I walk up to him. I underwear. No, no, I You You confronted him. Yeah, but I was doing it as a joke, but at the same time I was like at the same time. I'm like don't fucking tell me I was the first choice if I wasn't it doesn't matter I'm never the first choice. I get it. I know I have to like so I was like, yeah

So, you know the clothes of Mohammed Amir, huh? When did he I said when did he drop out? He goes he goes He was a New York hire. Yeah, we it's a but low budget movie. We're trying to save money So we didn't you know low budget and he couldn't do it the last minute But you were the first, you know, yeah, and I know he was mad at like whoever put that right Even the game show that I did it was it was jimmy oyang Right and he couldn't do it

Wow, right and they told me I was first choice I hate that and then he and then there was and then I I didn't tell the producers But you know me. Yeah, I told everyone else. Oh, bro. I know why too. I'm right there. I told everyone else We're kindred spirits and then one day and then one day I show up into my dressing room and the producers are there We just want to let you know We want to let you know you don't know how these deals work, buddy That's what he said You don't know how these deals work and what we do is we throw out three names, right?

They're all equal value. All right, and we and we put them on on the table And we we right and you happen to be in the in the pile of the a ones that we wanted, right? We had this name this name in this name, right? It was miss mix and match mix and match. That's how it works, buddy, right? When the whole time I knew that I would call my agent go Am I doing this? He's like, yeah, they're still negotiating with jimmy But it's fine. I did it. He didn't do it. Yeah, it's fine. But there is I bobby. Yeah I know we're on the same page with this. Come on There's still a part of you that's like you want to be

The first choice. We're never gonna be listen. We're never gonna be no, no, we're third Can I tell you for this pilot? Can I tell you what I went through for this pilot? I know and you know because you would call me and I would be like I was gonna say turn it down Dude because after you do two Bro, just listen after you do two if you if you don't know After two if you don't know I'm not doing it again All right. Okay, so I get you know, I do the first of all we talk about moral combat or we can all right

We could this is how we'll launch our movie. I'm so hot right now. Go ahead. It is warm in here. Um I you know, I do this audition. It's zoom. It's in front of the producers So I go in I I have my room set up. I'm ready to go. I'm waiting 20 minutes past the time I'm calling my manager like, yo, is it I got to write, you know, they they pop on the screen higher higher higher higher higher higher, you know, I was like, oh, okay, whoa, you know Then they they all go away. They have the one girl who I'm reading with I read it one time Then they go, thank you They was okay. I was like, well, that's that you know when it's like one time read. Yeah, you get nothing gone

Then I find out. Oh, you're gonna test great Test once they call me. Thank you. They want you to Can you do it again? But can you shave off all your but wait wait wait? So you're testing you're at your house Which is much better though than being on on a lot, you know, some uncomfortable office You know what when I look back on it, I actually feel like this quarantine streaming online gaming and doing the podcast by myself Trained me for like, oh, I can just be my you know, the best version of myself just like this with no one, you know It's better. So I think that I think it's better. Yeah, and I had the lights. It was fine

Yeah, but I did it once and they were like, no, can you shave off your all your face? Uh-huh, and we want you to read with Nicole Richie. I want to read with her. Wait, wait She's my wife on the show. Nicole Richie. Yeah, she's she's acting. Yeah, apparently she's good. By the way, good I love surprise. Can I knew Nicole Richie before? Did you know that? Yeah, she's she's a sweetheart. She's I knew her when she was in high school, dude You know, I love that girl. I told her I was like, you know what Nicole Richie is Wow I I know this kid. Um, she doesn't know she hasn't seen anything

I know it's just I already know it's like the age gap now. Now I get it, you know Look at her, you know, and here's what the can I tell you what the problem is? Let me tell you what the problem. Yeah, the problem is you knew who Lionel Richie is American Idol host that's how be how you would only know him from hello Is it me you're looking for? No that I Dell is

Different song Maybe I sing it more like you know him. Yeah, he has a daughter named Nicole Richie, but they're not blood related You know that right even though they look alike. I know it's weird. It is weird. Maybe there's something we don't know Sweet girl and she's dope. She's just a regular ass mom too. Yeah, you know, anyway, the problem is I know what it is with my gray beard Even though she's like she doesn't she tells her yourself. She's about to be 40. Yeah But she looks 21 Yeah, yeah, so can we be married? I think that was what the thing was they made me shave off. Don't even start. Stop it. Don't be mean

Sick comps are full of hot women Ugly husband. That's how it works. I don't buy it I honestly can I just be all because I want to be you know, I'm going internal I honestly don't buy it if I I don't I can't See you with it like if I'm watching a show. Mm-hmm. I think you're great, but if I'm watching a show don't throw that in Yeah, yeah, and there's a scene where You know, I mean, there's an attractive or or even like mid-range girl, right lady In bed, right? And she's like saying some set up to a joke, right? By the way, you're back. This is your back

So whatever work you've done in your personality and say that about me and then they do a pan to you, right? I'm gonna be like intruder Or something, right? That doesn't do you feel good about yourself right now. Did that feel good? I feel good You know what? Fuck internal. I'm gonna go outward I'm gonna I'm gonna be myself. Fuck it, right? Let me see some to you, right? You're a very funny guy, but you and Nicole Richie. There's no way. Yeah. Well, it happened. Yeah, and it worked. It worked It worked great. Did you get picked up? I don't know yet. Okay, we'll see we'll see You know, it's so funny because you've had so many cool jobs that I've like been so jealous of especially when you worked with captain bachard

Oh, yeah blunt talk. It was great. I mean, it's like It it makes me angry. Why because I love that guy so much Is it about that or is it about some sort of like anyway? Do you see moral comment? Did you see it? Did you see moral comment? Is this some kind of thing? Let's talk about like it's okay to have suck about movies It's okay to have like a what do you want to say? MBS jealousy and that kind of thing. It's fine. Well, but you've had you have a great career You were on mad tv for like 19 years. Okay. You had a long

Lustrous career at mtv. You've done a lot of great movies, right? Come on name some of them Help me dictator Dictator what that's another one Splitting together That's a show. That was a show. Did you see modal compact? I did Give me what do you like? Do you like it? The only thing I liked about it was that it was rated r Because if it was pg-13 and it was no blood it would have been because there would be the what what are we doing?

Yeah, what are we doing? You know, I it just They're like when scorpion throws the thing, right? Yeah, and he goes get over here When he says that yeah, he's throws it, right? Don't you think it's cooler if he doesn't say it? Yeah, even in the game. It's just better to just to pull him over Yeah, you know what I mean, but get over here. It's like and then you have to think in your head I have no choice Right. I'm going over right because you're being pulled over there I thought that the beginning of the movie the first 15 minutes. Yeah was the best part of the movie. Oh my god

When you saw the first 15 minutes, I was like, this is gonna be good. Not only good the greatest thing ever made Yeah, I'm like, I thought this is great. This is real. Yeah, right It you know, it it puts these characters in a you know, a real believable setting and by the way Nothing's better than those like Asian movies those where it's like, you know, the noble Asian guy And you know, he's got his family and he cares about his family and it's always shot in some like village jungle thing like that And it's like a jungle thing. Yeah. Yeah. There's always like some like, you know, jungle. Yeah It's like a jungles of korea or wherever

There's a jungle in korea. Fucker. Whatever they do. Yeah, those movies are always the best. Yeah. Yeah those those code are like When did it go bad? Right after that like right after, you know, when it went to modern times It was like, what? You know, you're watching and you're going you see the beginning. You're like Okay, this is gonna be good. And then you're just you go back to modern times and then you're like, okay Just give it a chance. I'm just giving you your thought processes, right? Give it a chance. Okay. So he's this guy He's a MMA fighter. Yeah. Yeah, okay. That I don't believe any of it because you know, I mean, that's not how these fights go Yeah, what is he some underground fighter like, you know, and and you just show up in a gym

You're just sitting there in like where lockers are and like you're fighting today, buddy And by the way, by the way, if I had a birthmark that was a full-on dragon dragon tattoo Right, I'm not gonna just be like, oh, yeah, you know, I've had this my whole life. No, bitch. This is something You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you don't just get a dragon on your body Like right and then and then you meet someone else like Well, I would take a photo on the internet first of all, right? Anybody else? Anybody have this dragon tattoo on the chest? Raycon. Oh my god. The best wireless earbuds for real on the market right now. It really is. It's my favorite You know, I don't know how I would live without it because every night when I go to sleep

I put my Raycons on and I listen to um, you know, um ambient music Oh, you like ambient music? I love ambient music. I like Brian E. No, I like Other things like that a little bit of crew hang been in the background whether it's following along the directions in the kitchen Bringing an audiobook while learning to knit which Bobby just started doing I love it or powering through a new workout pumped up playlist in your ear with a pair of Raycons can make activity very Easy and much better Raycon makes great sound accessible to everyone their wireless earbuds start At half the price of other premium audio brands and guess what Bobby? Yeah, if you think having white stems dangling out of yours looks ridiculous

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For every situation. It's the best deal offered right now head to headspace.com slash bad friends today I'm also kind of to say this too. It's like We grew up with the video games, right? Can the lead be Somebody from the games, right pick one. Yeah, you could have been anybody. It could have been um, there's 20 characters Liu Kang. Yeah, yeah, make Liu Kang the guy Right, but they didn't let's you know, I mean let's throw in a curve You know what it is. It's the riders going let's throw in a curve ball And when they go when they throw in a curve ball, they fuck it up

Yeah Put Liu Kang in it and I always like that they have to find like they find the asian guy That you see him and you clearly think could he he might have some some white in them. It's always that asian guy too What do you mean? It's never like like asian asian. You know what I mean? You know what you're speaking my language. You know what I'm saying? It's never like really like like Does that guy own a store in south-central asian? It's never that asian Right, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's always like a guy that's like he's like it's the most handsome asian you could possibly find It's the steve burn asian. Yes, they put in the steve burn asian, right?

And even he's a little more asian that you know right than they really want right he could do comedy But that steve burn asian isn't going to be an action star. You know what it's war baby asian Yeah, you know, I mean, it's the kind of asian where you know, I mean america, right? American right american soldiers went into a you know, I mean colonized the place raped some girls And they had a baby and all of a sudden boom the lead of fucking mortal combat or or or it's or I always have to be horrible or it's like you take bruce lee. I took it too far. I took it too far That was dark. Yeah, I could just be bruce lee who doesn't want to date asian women anymore And he finds a white girl, but can I say is this though? You know, I like that. I've always liked that about him

You know, I really did because at that time right before like when I was five I realized Just in your mind you look in the mirror you go You're never gonna fuck a white girl That's never gonna happen Right, that's not even you know, I mean you looked at your mom and went, ah, that's pretty much my option Yeah, you're like a four foot nine, you know four foot nine yoda, you know, I mean mean You know and then you always looked at your dad. I went that's what I'm gonna look like Five four, you know, I mean and just a fucking asshole, which I did turn into like I don't like big titties because yeah

My mom had big titties. She had little titties. What? Yeah, well your mom had little my mom had little titties. So now you like little I find myself like always liking little titties It's so fucking weird. My mom has little titties Yeah, my mom has little titties. Yeah, I love little titties. Exactly. Yeah And now that I see it now, I've never seen my mom's ass Right, but just in a I would think your mom has ass. No in a scientific way of if I analyze my mom's body It's just bone. It's like she has a bone There like somebody like a flat bone somebody hit her with a book bag numerous

Right, right. So our ass just Yeah, it's really weird. Yeah. So we are I know what you're so but when Bruce Lee though When I saw Bruce Lee date this white girl, you know, it's possible, you know, I was just In my house in the garage Trying to like I took classes. I took take on no classes. Who got more girls coming up. You are Steve. Steve. You know that. Yeah No, I mean don't say like that. Well, I mean, yeah, he definitely did Steve's way cuter than you. Steve was always cuter And Steve always had like he was like homecoming prince. What? Yeah. Yeah, like he he was so he was also

Like shut the fuck up. Yeah, he was also popular. Wow, right? And if you look at my brother, you know in the yearbooks, he's always with the cool group, right? And I have a I don't know you've looked at my instagram from a long time ago one of my first earliest posts You know, there was one photo that I posted of me doing improv, right? In high school on stage. I was doing like a scene You know, I mean that's pretty much Embodied is what I was like. I think yeah, also doing drugs and masturbating the Library you were doing drugs in high school. Is that when it started?

Yeah, I used to I have said this before on the podcast that I used to you know Do meth and then I would um, why you were doing meth before meth was even yeah, it was a thing. Yeah, yeah That means you had that dangerous No, but I'm saying like that they didn't even have it perfected back then. No wrong. Yeah I was gonna go experiment. It was no even pseudofed. You had that I just smoke it too. Shit putting tinfoil and take up. Yeah a glass, you know Thing and light it

Oh, so good. Mortal combat. Would you give it one through a through f it was like a d A d maybe c-minus. I think it's c give it a solid c Yeah, cuz it cuz it cuz kung fu fixes a lot of shit That's what I'm saying. Like you take the kung fu was great. If you put zombies or kung fu in any movie It's gonna be a much better movie. Hmm. Okay. Yeah, of course more enjoyable. You put some zombies in the notebook Right, if you put zombies in the notebook, it would be amazing. Oh amazing because like that's it's the zombies are trying to get in Yeah, it's just a whole different movie. You know, you have to decide just which don't know what's going on. Should I leave her? Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? So I just feel like if the zombie has dementia

Would they even anyway? It doesn't even matter. My point is Sort of kung fu always adds and because and by the way because it was rated r with kung fu that made it Not be an f right pg-13 and if they had a little titties in it, you would have been gave it a puppy a b Now c plus c plus how about king kong versus godzilla loved it loved every second of that one of the worst movies I've ever seen No, I just you know, I just I the worst movies I've ever seen this. I loved it. Yeah, not I'm not saying it was a great movie I just loved that it was like oh, they're finally trying to make entertaining movies Not entertaining at all. Oh, I thought it was very annoying. It's annoying. It's annoying that king kong wakes up Right and he picks up a tree and does a back scratchy thing. Bobby if you want to break down the movie that way

I 100% agree with you because my thing is like this. What the fuck is this little girl doing with a 65 foot monkey? Like why she's just roaming around a monkey place by herself? Yeah, I don't care what they think this is a monkey and then as soon yeah, and as soon as like I don't know. I don't remember if this was in it, but I think it was when the little girl like he she's Whatever like she sticks up a finger. Yeah, and then his monkey finger they touch. Yeah, right? imagine ant Right. Yeah, dude. Imagine an ant Even if I tried to do that with an ant like even if I tried to do that with the ant, right? I might crush it

Look dude, this thing right here, right, right? If I'm just if I'm just like if yeah, yeah, yeah Like it's like this right right if I just come to it a little bit, you know, it's gonna move like Right, you know what I mean, you know, okay, right this okay. This is the girl. Yeah, right? This is the girl right her finger, right? I'm king Kong, right? Oh dad, yeah, I did too too hard. How do you know how much control that he's he's gonna need Sort of monkey all of a sudden. Yeah, you know the monkey all of a sudden is fucking yoda, you know, like yeah There's no way he meditated. He would have died. They would have died. I just I also think Godzilla and king You know how sometimes they make it so they make it like they're they're aware of what the good guys are

Yeah, you know like a helicopter will fly by like no, it's one of ours. You know what I mean? I don't think he would they would just be smashing everything Fuck yeah, that's like like so people just going on with society Yeah, and a big-ass dragon is just living in the ocean and he just come on and land like why rebuild Like like I wouldn't rebuild now, especially if this is a continuation of these others Oh, yeah, the titans live on this planet. They just live. Yeah, and they just come in it, you know Yeah, they just come in like I yeah, so but I will listen listen the reason why I enjoyed it is because if you saw this year's oscar movies Miserable like every movie is miserable

Every movie is about something Terrible happening to somebody terrible or something, you know, you just go why why is this entertainment now? Why are we praising this? Let's get back to just We're trying to just entertain an escape from society. It seems like every movie that's made now The ones that the industry wants to praise has to be all right. Let's find you know, let's find those those movies Those let me say those movies are movies that most people don't watch ever Ever they never watch they never watch them ever you could name me the last 10 best picture movies, right? And it's like it's it and they also know the industry knows this is the reason why they make a king kong

And these types of movies is they know that's where all the money is Yeah, and that's why they get all the great stars big like big name stars What else did you see? I know we what we were going to talk about is uh the snider cut of Justice like justice like What you think I thought it was so much better masterpiece then I thought it was a masterpiece I think I think there were pieces of masterpiece, but put together in a four-hour movie I wish they would have just made it. He should have just said can I put this on?

HBO max for 10 episodes. That would have been good. I would have enjoyed it That would have done that would have been good I think they could have cut it up as a show, but I think they could have lost the seventh chapter Completely the dream sequence with the Joker that's like oh, I loved that What oh man? I want to see that Oh, you want to see someone's dream? No, no, no, I want to see that, but that's not a dream. That's supposed to be a Prophecy product of the of the few what's happened in the future. Superman actually goes crazy. You know, that's what that is That's in the comics. Oh, that oh really that yeah, it's in the comics Superman

Like he loses the lowest lane and he fucking can't take it and he's like I'm fucking a god here, which can I ask you a question? Let's say okay. We live on earth. All right, that's true. We're here on earth We're here on earth. You're a slobby, you know 49 year old. I'm what I am okay And a human piece of human shit. What really? Yeah, you look like melting shit Okay, if I took all right, you look like whale shit You look like if I took gathered whale shit and put on a beach You look like a sick piece of shit like you're the kind of shit like after you eat beats You know that you're that shit when it comes out when you look in the toilet and go. Oh my god

I'm dying. That's the kind of shit you look like when you're naked and you look yourself in the mirror You probably don't like your body then because you have big titties. No, I don't yeah look at those titties No, you can you can say that I can see your tits through your shirt. No, you can't I can So go ahead. I'm sorry. I'm doing a lot better We live here We find out that there's some other planet that when we go We have godlike powers I I found a says about this. Why the fuck would we stay here?

Like I don't understand why the kryptonians who have all this knowledge If they knew Because they had to know it wasn't a moment. They had to I'll tell you what they should be like hey We need to go where there's a yellow sun because look what it does to us We can fly we got x-ray vision. We got super strength Like because you're saying that the the kryptonians are so smart that they they're They think above that right they're thinking they're thinking isn't all of them So Zod wasn't like that. He was are those the ones that went to prison trying to get trying to come to prison

That's why yeah, but what I'm saying is not all the kryptonians were smart also Why do you put them in the like didn't they put like in the first star were in superman 2 Remember they used to put that they put them in like that crystal order that was that was the what was it called? The something zone the phantom zone. Yeah, is there's no way to kill them What I just put krypton inject them with kryptonite kill them kryptonite See the kryptonite doesn't hurt them unless they're in with the yellow sun. I parent. I don't even know the lower but anyway, my point is

Let's get back to justice league So yeah the changes that they made to justice league. I thought were fantastic one in the original By the way, do you think you have to see the original to really enjoy the snider cut? Because I think you do I think that you have to see both if you don't see both I don't know if the snider cut if you're gonna kind of like this is too long Because my brother never seen any of them right my brother's never seen any of them And I go you guys should watch it my brother watched it and he goes that was a masterpiece

That's too long to me. I think you need to see both. No, I don't think so Well, like like for instance, one of the changes I really loved is in the original flash is a pussy and an annoying character Yeah, and the snider cut he was more heroic They took all that bullshit out in the in the original. You didn't know who cyborg was. Yeah. Yeah, and in the new one You're like, oh, there's a backstory. He's a good guy. I like that whole thing where he was like He gave that lady money from the ATM machine. Yeah, right. Who is that lady? Just some lady. Yeah. Yeah, that was really cool. It showed his heart. That's what I'm saying I know they just they because they what he was saying. I think snider was like, look man, we lost to you

We lost to uh, when you when you make love to a woman. Here we go Let me you don't know how to do rabbit style rabbit style. Yeah, like power fuck Let's start to close your ears. So you're power fucking Kalilo. No, you go You probably don't do that. Yeah, I have mine times when I want to go quick I want to go quick. That's gross. Don't let the size fool me. I'm a strong man, right? I could beat your ass if I wanted to why is it when you're like when when people get knocked out in a movie, right? And they wake up in a foreign area unless they're either either tied to a tree in a forest Or they're in a dungeon. What is the first thing they say?

When they wake up Where am I? No, they go Hello Oh As if like the captor the guy that captured them is gonna go. Hello Do you never do that they always go hello anyone there? Yeah, right? That's not the first the first if I was captured and I woke up I'd be like like no, no like I'm on vacation in Italy Right, right? Okay, and all of a sudden I drink some something and I wake up in a thing. I wake up. I'm going like this

You know what I mean? Yeah I can tell you what the first thing the first thing that comes out of my mouth is this I'm only being real. Let's be real about it The fuck that's the first thing. What the fuck? Because you're kind of realizing what you're You go fuck man. What the fuck? I would probably say it five times. I'm just being real right here. Yeah Hello There and then I realized that hello, you know what? Let me say let me go back. Let me go back. I wake up What the fuck? Yeah, I mean, hello. Yeah. Hello would be the thing because you're in a situation where you don't know where anyone is

This is happening. You're And you you're you're trying to figure out is is there anyone is there anyone there? Is anyone there? Maybe would I say is anyone there? I'm here Yeah, I always think I have to be like that. How scary scared would you be? Why be scared if it was him? Um, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's that? Yeah, he or like one of the human you ever see the human centipede? Yeah, what that's though that kind of shit scary movies like that, but would you like if you're

Surgically tied to a hot chick even though you're tied to their anus Would that make it sometimes? No, it would make it worse. It would make it worse Let's say but let's say you're you wake up and you're surgically tied to like who's a hot hot woman Yeah, but but listen. Yeah, I don't care how hot they are a dirty butt is a dirty butt Right like are they washing like yeah, but I'd rather be like with like, you know Um, who's a hot like scarlett Johansson? Right then for some reason Tay digs What that's a very odd choice. Why did you that you picked Tay digs out of your head?

Or Delroy Lindo You know what I mean? I would rather have a hot chick. No Anytime I see like a period piece movie. Yeah, where it's like oldie times or something sure like Holmes times I can't escape the fact that Everybody's ass is dirty Like I always think that like if it's like seven like if it's like pre 1900s type stuff. They had no bidets. They know there's no bidets Right, you know, you know, they're on a pirate ship and I'm or whatever it is

And I'm just thinking to myself everybody stinks on this Like right so in this human centipede situation It's not like the guy was like making sure everybody's shower Like there was no scene where the guy was like it wasn't like silence of the lambs like pour the lotion Or like it's you think like it's a summer. It's 17th century France. Yeah, right? It's hot. It's hot You need a woman, right? And she's like, oh la la, would you like let's go eat? You know at this restaurant, right? You go to the restaurant, right? You eat, right? It's hot, right? It's hot as fuck, right? And then she got our 18 layers of shit on let's do some dancing. Yeah, right?

And you did you did you do that, you know, you know, I mean, whatever the acapella or whatever I don't know if that's a real dance, right? Uh-huh, and then right and then you're like she's like, let's go back to my place, right? You go back to the place, right? I can imagine once you pull the pants down, right? And she spreads her legs open. There's always like Yes, you know because there's just there's like a You know, what's it the fireball from Street Fighter? You know what I mean? It looks like this, but you know what I mean? Yeah, that's what it looks like You just go wow

You would think that you would go. Whoa And then you would have to like, you know And then she goes like this. What do you smell? You smell sweat blood? Maybe? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. B.O. B.O. Yeah, poo a little poo. Got to be a little shit. Yeah. There's no there's no, uh, baby wipes at that time Right, right. Like it's like maybe that's why people spit. Like when did you when did we start? When did oral sex become a thing? Because it always it can not bag that the best not bag that yeah Not see it. What do you mean? It was always a thing then

Especially what she went. Can you write and you would have to as a guy and I think what it is You would get used to it Like aren't car right now the car that I have smells like shit like something I think one of the dogs may be shit in it Right and you know a couple days ago. We were like, it's god. Do you smell? That's terrible and now, you know, you can't really smell It's still there. I think that's what it is You go down and you just get used to the shit and the thing and then Oh, and then once you you start looking and you know, probably there's a acidic quality to the vagina

Maybe so you No matter what time of day You go down Well in modern times now collider will take a shower and we'll do it, right? But we're talking about 1770. No, no No, this is what I'm saying even in modern times You don't just even with Oh, yeah, even like Right right now. We're sweaty. Yeah hot in here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and if collider came in we everyone kicked out

She's like, let me boil you right now. I think I gotta go to the bathroom Can I go freshen up? Yeah, I would freshen up like what I'm saying is like what was going on in the seven in 1735 Maybe there's some sort of like, you know I just did have perfume back then I can't not think about that when I'm watching these kind of things And then then some love scene is about to happen and I just go. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah Like what he what's happening right now and also the toilet. What kind of toilet situation? Yeah. How about this? They always they had bedpans Like bed, so it's just like you have to shit. So you're in bed. They never they never show that but

In the crown, you don't have to shit. You have to go like this. You got to get excuse me. Like you're in the same room Yeah, just a second I gotta pull out a bucket And I'm going to shit In the room with you. Yeah Do you know how it's difficult enough to shit and wipe yourself on a modern toilet or like, you know in asia You know My grandparents they lived on a mountain. Oh god, okay, and they my grandparents lived in a

What do you call it a rice house? They everything was made out of wood and rice paper It's like one of those old school Looking with it with the with the roof. So like it's like if the wolf came he would just blow that house down Yeah And it was one of those like, you know, everything was like dark wood flat everything was wooden You slept on these mats, right? I remember and the bathroom was Because my great great great great grandfather lived there too Because he's been there for hundreds and hundreds of years, right and my mom grew up there, right?

The bathroom was this hole in the ground Right and there's no sewage and and you'd go in there and you had to balance yourself. Yeah, right and take a shit But then in my thoughts, I was like My great great great grandfather's shit is somewhere deep down in there. Yeah, what's going on there? Like where does that is there's like some like it's nothing up what if like down the mountain There's like someone else is living and they're just like this this There's an opening over here that just smells like

Oh you think so Yeah, yeah How come it didn't fill up like how many people how deep was it? Yeah, like where my where my mom grew up my mom grew up in Belize, you know, it's in Central America Belize, you know It's like anyway They had like gutters in the street like these gutters Dude would just like sewage running down the street

This nasty You know, it would come out of the houses. They had outhouses It just was like you think back like how far we've come even in just Yeah, 50 years, but you know, I think what you're saying what you're basically saying is would we eat pussy in the 17th century? And I think we would and that because I think that we wouldn't know any different You know what I mean, and I think that in modern times We wouldn't well because what did women start shaving their pussy anyway like that wouldn't even be like that wasn't going on either Is that what you like? No, I'm not saying I'm not I'm not saying like I don't like it

I don't I have no preference. No honestly honestly, so if like you may meet a girl Yeah, I've already I've already been there. I've I've I've you met a girl and then she opened it and she had no hair down there I'm fine. You wouldn't would you would you would that even be an aware awareness thing where you would think well, there's no hair there Or would you would just look past it? I would look past it in a way I don't look past you just kind of go. Okay. This is what you went with it Oh, this is nice, you know, that's not what I would think. What would you think? Oh, I can't say it because I have to cut it out I Have to cut it out. You just yeah when it's really hairy though

I like some grooming But you know hair what hair really does though how it really grows I don't think any chicks are doing that now unless they're just like they've given up You know because it's like it goes like up here All the way down to the inner thighs. Yeah, like it's just uh like a throw rug I feel uncomfortable talking about vaginas and pubic here, but I have to say something. Okay It's I I met I once met a girl who

you know I'm gonna say that my penis isn't a fresh product Let's just say that and it isn't the prettiest thing to see right? So I'm just gonna preface that You know first The second thing I want to say is one time I met a girl and she had one of those um Um Vaginas that came out Oh

Yeah, I know what you do. Do you know what I'm saying? Where it was just kind of like a swollen cauliflower. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I mean or like, you know, jersey Mike's roast beef Right not the freshest, right? Yeah, but she had a lot of hair Right, so it looked like you know Fungi growing in a forest. Yeah, you know, I mean it was just like you could see the shrubbery And then you just saw this thing pop up that looked like like a little mushroom Yeah, right and then like I didn't know where it began where where it ended Right, I didn't know what to do right. It was like a mystery. Yeah, you know, I mean, but you obviously I'm a man

I still like it, right? You know, it's like you having you know something that you haven't eaten before right? So I went in Yeah, it's like going to like a like a fancy restaurant. Right, right, right, you know, and the chef comes out, you know Oh I don't like talking about women like that because you know, we live in a different world. No, we're not we're not talking Are you think what is this inappropriate? I don't I don't think so. What do you mean? You don't think so. You're not really like insulting. Yeah. Yeah, we're just It's a different varieties

Also happened. So, you know, but you know, there are people who are like, oh, I don't ever want to see hair I have buddies like that. Yeah, I'm not like that. Yeah, I'm not like that. You know what it is You know, you know what the guys that say that? Yeah, they're way more attractive than us okay attractive guys can say shit like I don't like when chicks have like fake boobs or they go. I don't like Attractive guys can say that because they got options My shit is like rich guys people eating. Yeah, exactly. It's like, you know, let's say you and I eat at 7 11

Yeah, because it's all we can afford And a rich guy would like I would never eat that right? Yeah, and it's like you haven't had it. It's really good Right, exactly. Yeah, but I go to you know, I mean, this is just that's the same kind of thing hot guys always have these like they're always like, oh, yeah, I don't I had a guy tell me he said if I date a blonde the next one She can't be a blonde. She got to be something else. I was like my shit is like, is she breathing? End of me too, you know what I mean? Yeah, me too because I'm always breathing. I'm always in shock Any kind of attention, you know, oh, it's it's

I think that's why you and I I can't relate to Andrew in that way because He's one of those guys that like and I've seen this I've seen other male comics like this. I was I think I can say this. Um, I was walking down the street With one time Chris D'Alia. Okay, and we were gonna go see Avengers Right. Yeah, I think Avengers 2 And we're and we're going to the we're New York. We're we're like, I don't know what street we're on and we're late So we're just Chris. It was mad. It's like, come on, dude That woke up late. You know what I mean? Let's go. We're missing it, right?

And as we're walking this beautiful supermodel, I'm not kidding you came out of nowhere She just came out of nowhere and she approaches Chris. She's walking this way and we're walking this way and look She looked like she had been crying Right So as she stops us and she goes looks at Chris she It was almost as if Chris D'Alia was holding a teddy bear. That's what I was

That's what she looked at me like it was some present for some child Like I wasn't even human. So you were like make a wish right and your dream was to hang out with him Right, right. That's what it was. She was like she she might as well just tap me in the head You know, hello little you know me the little thing, right? She looks at him and goes I don't know you My boyfriend just dumped me I've never done this before Do you want to make out right now and D'Alia looks at me goes have fun at the movie?

And they just walk away, right and now I'm in the theater Now I'm in the theater popcorn popcorn popcorn, right? You know me just because That'll never Happen for me. Yeah, man. I know exactly what you're saying. It's just it's just it's a different world It's a different world that good-looking guys Even like being on a road like just after we're telling D'Alia stories because that's not

but I have this this is god on the truth I haven't been to one city where I've done comedy Yeah, where if I'm taught and what been the past and I'm talking to a girl all of a sudden without her saying Do you know christilia? In a way of like, you know, can you and I'm like, okay, let's see you. Yes. Yeah. I got on my face I'm done with you. Yeah, you know, so it's like like I had one christilia moment That I I thought and you're still with her. No. No. No, where I thought where I thought where I thought

This has never happened. It's never happened before or after I was at the Tampa Bay Improv. This is before I met Kalaila Yeah, he has to preface it that way. Why am I at Kalaila, right? And um There was this girl at the bar and she was brunette Right And I walked by the bar and she goes hey to me Oh, hi

That's whenever a hot chick Whenever a hot chick says hey, I always say like that. Hi or the question. You know what I mean? And then she goes so just basically you went Yeah, like because you know, maybe it was It was toward somebody that was in back because that's happened before me before me too. Oh where some says says that I say hi And they're really saying hi to the guy back of me. You know me So hi and she goes hey, I you know, I would I grew up watching mad tv or whatever it might be and when that happens It's like maybe

There's a shot, right? Yeah, and then there was a I went in the green room And there was a girl that was there that was wants to be a comedian and she was a preacher's daughter Right because that's what she said. I'm a preacher's daughter, right, but she was cute, right and so After the show The brunette from the bar goes. What are you doing afterwards? I'm like, I'm gonna go to eat preacher's daughter goes I want to go to right so they both and I was able to finagle this a miracle Right I got them separated. I go come over the hotel room, right, right?

So one of them came over right and then she left and then they the preacher's daughter came And that's never happen, you know, that's kind of like those are like steve burn stories Right or like when good-looking guys, right? That happened one time where I hooked up with two girls in one night and I think I prayed I think when the preacher's daughter left, right? I got on my hands and knees By the bed, I did old school and you know how the hotel has a bible. Yeah, yeah, yeah The Gideon's bible brought that out. I put my hand on like this like I was testifying, right?

I got dear lord. Thank you so much. I'm so grateful. I started crying I'm so grateful. Thank you so much. And then isn't it at that moment You realize stand up is the best why you even got into business. Yeah, dude. That's exactly why I have had I've had I know look at you. I've had one of those What do you mean? Look at me. I'm kidding, man. You just love saying it. Do you make you feel better? It's a joke man. I love you man. That's it. It's a joke. Whatever. Yeah, you had these of course before rachel You have to look at rachel. Just just thought when I see you and rachel in the same photograph. I just go. What the fuck? What a miracle

She hit me. You know how that you know, how this is why he's gonna we're gonna wake up. I know what's gonna be like a podcast too Now that we're going to talk about I Yeah, yeah So, um, I'll be and I've never really said this out loud again. I'm the city's all about revelations. Okay I used to have this dream right or this fantasy where I had this brunette

Right gruel dressed in white with no face. It was a dream I had And I don't know why but she was always in the because my my cousin andy and paul lived in a mansion right growing up And she was It was like a dream where this girl was you know, I mean In the driveway wearing a white dress with no face But with tall brunette very brown and she's kind of swaying back and forth And I always went is that my future? Girlfriend or and I think that's kalilah

uh It works We might we meet people And it just works You go through out all the things you have to go through To to make it happen And once it happens You're in this situation and boom are you Woody Allen fan?

Um, sometimes Do you see the documentary? No, I didn't see the documentary. I didn't want to you know why I'm off hbo documentaries, man Why because a lot of them it's like, I don't know if they I think they're just doing them for shock value And that did you call in at the store? They called me. Yeah, you're going up this weekend. I I told I told them I was available Hmm, you know, you're scared to do it But did you put you did put you on the list? I have no idea because the lineups are out So they fucked you. I don't know the new the new people fucked you I know I'm gonna call the store right now. It's Emily. Yeah, I'm gonna know I'm gonna call the store right now to see if um

You're on the list. Okay. Mm-hmm If she doesn't pick up from me right now It's Emily Emily Bobby Lee Hi, Bobby. How are you? Hi? Um, I'm sitting here with Eric Griffin. Yeah, he called on saturday He called in and he didn't get a spot. What's going on? Oh, no, sorry. I will I'm reaching the line up right now. I will get back to you guys A lot a lot of moving parts What so is ever gonna get a spot?

Yeah, let me let me just double check the line. I'm sorry. I'm not walking my dog. Oh, okay. It looks like no, then Yeah, it looks like you're here. Well, you're on the podcast right now. So you're on bad friends. So we yeah, so um So that was a screw-up on your end. Wait, am I surprise guest? Who's surprise guest? Who's surprise guest? Argus Hamilton, let's see Ron Funches. Okay, ricking. Wait, wait Argus gets a spot and Eric Griffin who's like just booked a pilot Jeff Ross, Neil Brennan, Tim Dillon, Andy Letterman, Byron Bowers, and Sandra La Colana. Yeah, I like him. He's very funny. All right. Anyway, I'll rework it because you gotta put Eric give him a spot. Okay

Okay, bye. Bye. I don't see you either though. I didn't call it. Oh, why not? I'm not gonna call until May Why is that after I get back from Europe? Oh, do you have a game for us? We do it's called imaginary gift A couples game where one partner gives the other an imaginary great the couple talks about the gift without naming it or giving obvious Clues the goal is for the partner who receives the gift to figure out what is a kind of guessing game But the real purpose is for the couple to experience. So I don't know what it is when I'm giving it to them and we're not a couple So we're not gay All right, let's do it. I'll try I don't know how it works, but let's give it a go

But let me give you a gift the person who gives the gift knows what it is. Okay. Let me think let me think of what it is This is why is he giving me the exact can't trust him. All right. Well, why I should be giving you the gift No, you should be giving me the I'm gonna you never give you know what you know what? Okay. I know what it is I know what it is. Okay So is this like charades? No, I'm there's a pretend. I'm coming over to your house. I'm gonna knock on the door Why would you knock on the door? Just when's the last time you knocked on someone's? Hello? Let's start with you want to step the improv or no? Yeah I've already started. Oh, that's how you would answer the door. Yeah. All right

All right Who is it? Hey, dude, it's me bob bobby Bobby lee Yeah, man Hurry up, man. I got a present for you. Open the fucking tour I'm not dressed. Give me a second. Oh fuck Okay, I'm okay. Welcome. Hey, man. How are you? Hey, dude? Um happy belated birthday. Oh, thank you

Um, I can't believe it was I remember I know I know and I can't believe I remembered how to get to your your fucking house. But um, yeah Here it is. Here it is Is that what happens in the improv? Yes Does he open it or no No, he has to guess what is but you know before you open it I can't even have to guess what it is. No by what you talk about it. I'm supposed to figure out what it is

Is that what it is? Okay, do I ask questions like oh, it's yeah, you have to ask questions. It's so it's so big. Is it why why is it so big? Because for a big fella Is it a jacket? No, is that what how to go? That's a big how does this Come and explain us this weird. Come back in here weird European game You guys have to together you can actually Do it together. Yeah, but you said that I already know what it is. Well, you're giving him something but that's gonna change because he's gonna say Hey, why is this red? Maybe you thought about it was a banana but now it's red so you would adapt

Oh, is that what it is knock knock knock Come in it's open. All right. Hey, what's up, dude? Um, happy belated Christmas Just That don't wait wait wait. Is this the energy you're bringing me a gift? Start over Happy belated Christmas. You you didn't like you didn't like Kalyla made you go over there like the scene before this was like Really should be nicer to Eric. All right. I don't want to be nice ding dong

Hey, hey, can I come in? Take your shirt. Can I come in take your shoes off first? All right. I'll take my shoes off Um, whoo, I just want to let you know bud that um I'm grateful for you And um, I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I really enjoy your company and I enjoy you as a human being And boy, you know, I felt a lot of guilt for not getting you a Christmas gift I know it's august I know it's august and um

Even this guilt has been really building building, you know, and I've been yeah, because I haven't been able to sleep well So I got you a gift. I I This is great. Yeah, and this is wow. There's so much money. I can't believe you You this much money into it How can you tell I put money into it you haven't opened it up yet I could tell by the wrapping paper. Yeah, the wrapping I got at you know, uh, I got it at jc petty Just doesn't look jc penny. Aren't they close? Yeah, I know, but there's one outlet open in oxnard. Oh, so you went to the jc penny outlet outlet, right?

And um, it's so funny. It's like it's like a weed store The the the wrapping section because it's like you can get there's different tiers Right. This is a cheap one, right? But I got you the high class one So it looks like it's dolce gulbana, but it's really jc penny. Anyway, you know me Hey, here you go. All right. Yeah, I would have opened it up Yeah, yeah Merry Christmas. Oh, wow How did you know my size?

Oh, because um from the internet The internet It's a funny thing. There's you know, the internet has different sites with you know, celebrities and celebrity sizes celebrity sizes and um You know, I knew that um This would be this is the size of your head Oh, oh, yeah Yeah, oh, and it looks like it would fit too. So you did a good guess. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. It's elastic Yeah, so you know, I mean it's a little elastic situation

So if it's elastic, why did you worry about so you didn't even it didn't even matter the size because this is like one size fits all No, it isn't even if you put like An elastic thing on something too large. It might snap and it could hurt somebody Okay, so right so I had to go on the internet to look at your size. So this yeah, so the elastic part fits on my head Yeah, you like the color. Yeah, I like that. It's uh black and orange. Yeah, because that's from your favorite team the pittspricks dealers The pittspricks dealers and um, oh, so it's put it on. Oh, okay. Yeah Yeah, wow, it fits perfectly on my head. Yeah. Yeah, and um

And don't you like the um embroidery on it. Yeah, read it. Yeah, um read the embroidery your board reads. Oh, wow. This is very touching of you It's a I'm sorry for being such a dickhead asshole for our whole friendship. Yeah, you know Every word every letter right cost five dollars. Oh, wow So imagine, you know, and there's a there's a flap that comes out Right. There's a flap with a whole poem that you wrote. It's a whole poem. Yeah, exactly And you you paid five dollars for this whole poem. Yes, I did. So it's like no five dollars a letter I would like to see the poem in your words. I want to see

Yeah, glorious night sweet dreamer Yeah, I enjoy you So immensely the sky lights you may create an atmosphere within each other to create energy and connections That make us a forever people And you and I are on a rainbow carpet ride Rainbow carpet ride into why is your is it your poetry sway? Yeah into the atmospheres of our own destinies love Bubba loo

That's very nice. Yeah. Yeah. Um, anyway, I gotta go Oh That's it. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Now. Can we do that now? Can you give me a gift? I want a gift now. We don't even know what it was Well, guess it's elastic. It's a pittsburgh stealers hat. It's a pittsby stealers It's the last thing with a embroidery and a poem that flips out the back. That's exactly what it is. All right. Yeah What do you what do you think of that gift? Not good

Okay, now you yeah All right, so I'm coming over to your place. All right. So I have to like there's like a It's like one of these at the door Right. Yeah, so I'm sitting up. Yeah And now I'm in a room I'm in a room going Oh somebody's at the door

Somebody's at the door. Let me let me let me uh Take off my uh kimono Hang it right put on my regular street clothes. I don't want people to know that I wear that in the house and I oh Eric, hey, come on in come on in. Wow. What's up? What's what a surprise? Yeah, it is a surprise Um, what do you have there? Uh, this is a gift I have for you. Wow. You drove all the way over here from Century City to get me a gift. Yes. Wow. So, um, it's very large Well, they only had

This one box Oh So anything could be in it. Yeah, yeah, all right. Let me lift the box. Let me let me let me lift everything Very light box. Yeah. So okay good. So um, it's a it's a joke box It's a joke. But it's meaningful. What's inside. All right. May I? Yes, please. All right So I'm opening this gigantic box. Okay, and uh jewels. Can you go get me some scissors because there's like this? Okay, thank you This tape up. Uh-huh. Oh

I don't really see it Oh It's a little box. Yeah, I pulled out a little box. Uh-huh. And there's like a little it says on the thing Gucci So that's interesting on the thing. I'm gonna open it up Well, the Gucci box, you know, you can buy them at this place, you know At jc pennies they have. All right. They have different kinds of boxes that they sell there. Oh, it's all right Yeah, whatever is the product that's inside the box might necessarily right reflect the box itself

It's called it's called expensive wrapping. You could get it at jc pennies. Right. It's the same one. Yeah Here we go. I came over And I got you that stealers Yeah, that's dealers have and you made me think, you know, this is where you go to do fancy wrapping Right. So I influenced you in that way. Yes, you did. So I thought I went there and I was like, can you Thank you. Can I get the Gucci box? Right. They said the big one said no, no, give me the little Gucci box All right, all right, right. But okay, so let me open it up Oh my god, it's a

It's is it a commemorative coin. Yeah, right. And let me see and on it is Who is that? that's You that's me. Yeah heads is You right? Let me flip it over and on the other side tails is you Yeah Wow So we have you made this coin. Uh-huh. I'm on one side, right? And you're on the other one

And um, it's so funny because on this coin like on mine My face is in the middle of the coin. Uh-huh, but when I flip it over Your whole face is the coin Oh, really? If I'm looking at the coin right now, I'm in the you see my you could literally see the outline of my head In the middle of the coin, right? And I've here flip it. You have no outline. The actual coin is your head Right, so that's interesting. Uh-huh. That seems like that took a lot of work. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, yeah, that's interesting, but you notice how the grooves on the other side of your face they

They See that The grooves of your face. Yeah, they really had to do some like special detail. Yeah To get the intricacy of like, yeah, the lip that's underneath your eyes. Yeah They really have the epicanthic fold. Yes. Yeah, and that must have cost extra money It did cost extra money, right because that's really interesting, right? Yeah on your side though No Right on your side. They just did this like a shine

Right. Oh, yeah Yeah, I I would call that a rustic shine. Yes. Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, when you turn on the other side though On your side as you can notice that there's a sort of mustard sheen It's like How did they do that? How did they do that? Well, they they had they had little kids pee on it Yeah Right, right. Let me just flip it, right? Yeah Oh, you know always lands on your side because the weight is on that side of the coin. No, no

What it is is let's flip it again. It's always on you right because it's weighted. Yeah, no because the imbalance of your head How from nose to chin is six percent of your face right and then from nose to I see I top is the other 94 percent. So it's weighted that way that when you flip it Anyway, this seems very expensive. It was very expensive. Yeah to do to get the intricate detail Yeah, you can actually you can actually buy things with that. Oh, wow. Anyway, thank you so much I bought that with a bitcoin. Anyway, thank you for being here and thank you for being bad friends Somebody hit me ever say, yeah, why does Kalala want to fuck Bobby in the ass with a What yeah, yeah, somebody said like my buddy hit me over who listens to it

He was like, yeah, I went into detail about how she wants to put on a strap on and they did. Yeah, she's she's proposed it before I go, I don't know. It's gonna feel good and I go, um, just stick a finger in there or something But she has like these long et fingers and she did it once didn't like it It was like having like, um, you have to try it. Joey Diaz sticking his finger that they like a thick Cuban My asshole is um, it seems like it's deep my oh my ass was very deep but tight Yeah, are you flirting right now?