Bad Friends - Ask Before You Touch

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

Tour Tickets: https://badfriendspod.com Thank you to our Sponsors: DoorDash https://www.doordash.com code: BAD2023 & ButcherBox https://www.butcherbox.com/BADFRIENDS & Vroom https://vroom.com & Morgan & Morgan https://www.forthepeople.com/badfriends or #529 - from your cell YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Tour Dates 1:50 Glory Boy is Back 10:05 Mozart Has Game 17:45 Bobby Makes Money with his Looks 24:18 What's Your Number?  32:00 Vegas Stories & Best Thai in Las Vegas  38:50 Film Families: From Coppola to Olsen 49:30 Fancy is Hollywood 58:07 Signs is the Best / Worst Premise Ever... Water?!! More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Fancy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Plus, we're adding cities and adding shows, so stay tuned and thank you for being a bad friend. You two are bad friends! Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something. We're bad friends. Yeah, I could not.

Dude, him. What? His glorious stories last night kept me up. I was so sick. I could not sleep because I was thinking about his glory. You know what's so funny? What? He asked me after the episode, he's like, was that too much?

I know, he asked me that too. Of course, yeah. Way too much. It was perfect for the show. Yeah, we needed to learn that you were an exploratory guy who is very easily manipulated. And also... Naive! Naive!

Hey, hey. Naive! And you trick yourself into thinking that it might not be a guy behind whole numbers one and two. What? I don't plan on going back like in a couple weeks. I don't believe that. I don't believe that. I think you are.

Guess what? We won't go one time. Never. You'll never go. I promise. Guess what? I'll let you know. All right.

Would you ever go? Can I say something? What? I love you so much. I love you. But now, what's wrong with you? I love you so much. I'm honestly going to miss you.

I'm missing you in my heart. I'm so sick right now. Anyway, thank you and I love you too. And I love you more than I think I've ever loved you. I love you more than anything on the menu. Whoa, was that the Meat Locker joke? Meat Locker joke. It's killing my heart, dude.

All right. Let me see it. Glory boy. Glory boy. Let me see something. You got my respect last night. You did. You're a bottom dweller, dude.

You're the underbelly of the underbelly, dude. You really are low down to the bottom. Look at the fish that literally lives at the bottom of the ocean. There you are. There you are. Oh my God. That kind of looks like you. Yeah.

That's it, dude. And that's what your parents think of you. Yeah, they do. Because I've seen the videos. I don't think they think about it. Oh yeah, yeah. I've seen the videos, dude. Yeah.

With the whole hotel thing. When your dad turned around and looked at you, dude. Hey, do me a favor. Will you take your hat off and then spike just a little piece of your hair in the side? Just twist one of the hairs in the middle together, like it's an antenna. Yeah. Exactly, dude. Exactly, dude.

Look at that. And that's where you're going to die alone. No, Bobby. Not again. You're going to find somebody. You know what? Oh, you're going to find a bottom dweller, too. Down there.

Is there glory holes for girls? Is that a real thing? Well, you're the woman on the show. Yeah, how would that work, though? It's more like a porn category. I think it's a myth. What do you mean, how would that work? Well, how does a glory hole for a woman, the hole has to be bigger?

I mean, what are you saying? Well, you know. She puts her lip? No. Oh, she sticks her mouth. I was thinking vagina. You go? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right. That, okay. Right, that's cool. Will Schwaggaverden, you know that's German. They're so funny about that kind of stuff. Yeah. All that stuff came from Germany. Yeah.

And she did nothing good. But let me say something. If you had done that, then we'd be like, okay. That's fun. That's fun. I'd be okay with any of that. That doesn't exist, though. That's like a production.

That's not true. That absolutely exists. Do you think there's not sex clubs and stuff like that? Well, I'm not. I tried to go to a sex club a couple of weeks ago. Who brought you there? Just someone I know. Okay.

We know. We know. Okay, go ahead. You tried to go? What do you mean they didn't let you in? Well, she asked the owner if I could go. I'm like a random guy. It's like rich people.

It's straight out of like true detective. Do you have to send in a headshot? I think I would have to send like information about myself. I got to go. I got to go. You think I can go? You can definitely go. Let me ask you something.

Can I go with you? No. No, no, no, no. Right away. Yeah. Because you're going to look for holes in the walls. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And I'm going to go, dude, just let that kind of house. That's not how it goes, man. And you're going to look at people with a painting. Lift the paintings up. There's a hole. You know what I mean? There's a hole in the wall. Yeah.

Yeah. So no, you can't go because it's a beautiful house, probably. Yeah. It's like a nice. So let me ask you this. Okay. If I go, how many is it even? Like if you're in a sex party, is it 50 women, 50 men?

Got to be. Right. I think it really is because. Well, that can't go. Why? You want, why? You want better odds? You want better odds?

I need better odds. Yeah. Because that means that leaves me with one. I totally agree with you by the way. Right. And I'm going to strike out with that one. And I'm going to go to the jacket and I'm going to leave the fucking house. Right.

But then some other guy gets two. Yeah. But it's probably Tom Hardy. But what if you get two? What if some other guy strikes out? I don't know if I'm willing to take the risk. I get it. Also, I don't know how to ask.

Here, I'm a girl and ask me at the party. Hey. Hey, what's up? Great party. Tell me about it. I come to these things all the time. Yeah. Have you been here before?

That's my first one. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's so cute. I know the same person that Carlos. You probably don't know Carlos anyway. Who's Carlos? He's not here.

He's serving food? No. Oh. That man's name is Carlos as well. I know. No, it's not that guy. Oh, OK. You wouldn't know the Carlos because he would be digging, putting holes in the walls.

Oh, the whole glory boy. Oh, he came last time? The shitfish. Yeah, he's been here. Oh, really? You know that guy? Oh, yeah. Shitfish.

Yeah, he's my friend. Anyway, he works for me. Oh, he's my friend. Yeah, I like him. Yeah, he's all right. So what's up? Anyway, it looks like 49 people are hooked up with 49 because they're counting the room. Yeah, everyone is counting their things.

Yeah, I guess it's you and me, baby. See, that's what, that is the nightmare of nightmares. That, right. But what if it goes like this? Ready? Ask me again. OK, so 49 people. Well, that's 49 people and 49 guys, 49 girls together.

Yeah. I guess you and I, baby. I mean, it's what I've always wanted. What? A Korean. I've tasted the entire world. I've never had Korean. Wait, wait, wait.

Let's stop right there. The entire world? Yes. Like who? I've had 13 countries in Africa. How many guys per country? 100 or so. Per country?

Well, yeah. Condom, though. What's a condom? Oh, so raw dog? Yeah. Oh, R.D. Yeah. Oh, that's the Dlinga.

That's what we say. Because I've never been in a sex club before. It's R.D. Right. Yeah. So you raw dog, probably thousands of men. Maybe tens of thousands. OK, OK.

OK. I'm wearing my jacket. No, you're going. I couldn't do it. See what I mean, though? Yeah. What do you mean? It could go both ways.

You could be, you're assuming that you're going to want to fuck someone. What if you find nobody you'd like to fuck? That's what I'm saying. My, because that, I mean, if it was like this, if it was like Ukraine right now. What is this? What? How is this like Ukraine? Well, always in an Eastern European country where there's a war.

Yeah. There are more women than men. That's true. Yes, because the men are all dead or gone at war. I didn't want to say that part. I get it. I get it. Hopefully I could just throw Ukraine out there and you would get what I'm saying.

I just, yeah, OK, I should. All right. Next time that's my fault. Right. Is it not like, is it not true Spanish? Yes. Right. Lovely metaphor.

Like if you go to Czechoslovakia, is that how you say it? No, but it will go with it. Yeah. Yeah. If you go to any of these countries, there's always more women than men. The men are off at war. Exactly. Right.

OK. So I want, is there like one in Ukraine? You want Ukraine odds. I want to go to Ukraine. Let's just go to Ukraine. Yeah. Let's do a sex party at Ukraine. I'm sure there are a bunch.

So you had, you got denied entry. They literally said you can't come in. Well, I didn't like show up and get turned down at the door. You text this person. They said probably not. No, they reached out on my behalf and they were like, I don't know. It's like, you know, it's just him. It's kind of weird because the person I know gets paid to hook up with other women like

on a bench or on a chair. Tight. Like to turn everyone on. Like as art. As art. And that's why I think Bobby actually would have good odds. You would have so much fun. Because people are turned down.

Why would have fun? Because it's like... How much money is this? I don't know. Well, you have the website, right? Well, let's not show it. How much is it? How much is it?

Oh, you have to... There's no way there's going to be a fucking, like a PayPal page. They're not going to tell you. February 11th. I'm saying that there's an application. February 11th. Yeah, you have to apply. A couple's ticket starts at $1,200.

A single gentleman must attend with the female companions approved by us. So you didn't get approved. You were the single gentleman that did it. Oh, so I have to bring somebody. Yes. No. Because you're swat. It sounds like a swat.

Can you go? No. So fun. I would be at the snack bar all the time. We'll eat together. I love eating. We'll go to the snack bar. He does love eating.

They ask your industry. I mean, that's kind of cool. And you put what your kink is. Yeah. Who could I bring? I'd go, but do I have to have sex? No. No, you don't.

You don't. I think this is like a sexy party. And do you have to be naked? I feel like that's a valid question. See, look, you have to upload your full body face and see in with couples if you're with a partner. But let me see. We'll get denied.

But the photo we submit is going to be hilarious. It's going to be us dressed like this. I think you guys should submit just for the fun of it. Yeah. I mean, we could dress however we want to. That's right. I mean, this is basically just a glorified costume party is all this. Yeah.

I would go for you. I'd be so uncomfortable. I could dress up as Mozart. You could dress up as Rock Mononoff. Mononoff. Right. And we'd have the hair, the wigs and the suit. What do you call it?

And I'll be Beethoven. I'll drop you guys off. Pull up in an old car. We'll bring a violin. You know what I mean? I'll bring a ukulele. I'll bring my trumpet. Yes.

A trumpet. Oh, the trumpet. I don't think Beethoven played a ukulele. So maybe what else? Harpsichord. Harpsichord. It's a whole thing. It's huge.

I'll bring it. But anyway, so yeah, forget that. We're not going to do that. $1,200 for a couple. But I didn't think it was going to be more in my mind. I thought it was going to be something outrageous, like 10 grand or something. But $1,200 a couple. So 600 a person.

But you have to bring someone else. And that also means the other person that you bring has to be down to other people. You're the rules. You always have to ask before you touch. Well, that's just a standard rule of earth. You can't do outside. That's outdoor rules, too. That's not just about the party.

Ask before you touch. Yeah. What does that mean? Let this land on you for a minute. I've never heard of this. So just say it again and let me absorb it. Look at me. Ask.

Ask before. Before. Prior. Not after. No, no, no. I always do it after. I know. And I always get in trouble.

Ask before you to anything. I touch. I go, can I grab your brass? Yeah, you can. When they go, no. No. Okay. So yeah.

You have to let them know. Right. Lady. Yes. May I? You mean? As Mozart. Pinch.

As Mozart. Right? Yeah. Your clitoris. It's hard to say no. It's hard to say no to Mozart. I got to tell you. I told you.

I know. It's so hard. Because you're polite. Right. And I might say yes. I might have an accent. Yeah. My lady.

My lady. My lady. Mozart was what? He was German, right? Yeah. German. German. I'll try to do better.

That's just good. Fuck off. My lady. My lady. Give me the line and then let me try. German. Germans sound like this. Germans like, well, it depends on how high you want.

You want to do like a... Really? Go ahead. What? Just forget it. Let's move on. No, no. I hate these parts.

I was getting embarrassed with these fucking parts. Why is it acting class? Go ahead. So, German? German? German? Yeah, I get this phrase. Das ist gut.

Gut. So, use that. Gut. Das ist gut, ja. Das ist gut. Ja, kann ich... Das ist gut, ja. Sehr gut.

That's not what I'm going to ask the lady though, dude. Well, that... Das ist gut is not going to fucking do... Das ist gut. It just means that is good. So, you just say it all the time. Das ist gut. That implies...

Can I ask your breath? Well, here. May I touch you my lady is... Darf ich dich beruhren, meine Dame? Darf ich dich beruhren, meine Dame? Darf ich dich beruhren, meine Dame? Now try with an Asian accent. See if it does it better.

Darf ich dich beruhren, meine Dame? Yeah. Pretty good. I think that sounds right. Can I touch you, my lady? But you know what? Darf ich dich beruhren, meine Dame? Let me ask you this question, right?

Yeah. If... Prostitution was legal and you could have brothels in these cities. Yeah. And what do you think that would do to our society in America? Well, you wouldn't be here anymore. We'd have to depart from the red light district. Well, Carlos and I wouldn't be here.

What do you think? We would have died 20 years ago. You know when I said a legitimate question this morning? Yeah. I legitimately said, you know, are there emotional escorts where it's... Well, therapists. I'm sorry.

Maybe that's not right. Take a walk. No, Jews, you're right. No, I'm saying... Imagine hiring a girl, imagine hiring a beautiful woman because you're a lonely guy. Like, say you're a lonely shitfish and you hire a woman just to, like,

hug, no sex, not sex stuff, but like, you know, hug, no sex, not sex stuff, but like, hug and to talk and to have, like, a relationship. They have those. That exists. Yeah, that exists. You can hire a girl...

There are escorts specifically for that. And no sex stuff. No sex stuff. Huh. Yeah. Cuddle sanctuary. Book a professional coddler. See, this is my thing.

I don't want to cuddle. I mean... That's what I mean. That's... This is what this is. You wouldn't do this. I know I'm interested. I was...

I literally said, is this a thing? Is that a thing? I just want... I just want to talk to someone, but they end up at some point, I'm sure, having sex. I have to try this.

Yeah. You know, what's the site? This is... This is cuddlecomfort.com. And there's LA region? Yeah. Okay, I got to do it. Let's get him one.

Okay. Can you pick who it is? Put it on the biz. Put it on the... I can't even have anyone boney. Yeah. Some really skinny... You know what I mean?

Karen Carpenter type of a woman. Well, go to nobonicuddlers.com because I think that's what it's about. No boney cuddlers. Anyway, we'll... But seriously, go... Yeah. Let's get him someone from the cuddle sanctuary.

I'm interested in that. Just because I said... I said, I imagine there's many people who are either asexual or they just aren't interested in having sex with strangers that are like, but I just want to talk to them. Like those sugar babies, you know, sugar babies and sugar daddies.

Yeah. And I watched the documentary on that and the whole time they were like, I didn't even have to hook up with them. And then the one other girl was like, yeah, we do. It was like... Like she was trying to pretend like they don't,

but she was like, yeah, they end up do something. They do something. They say they're like, no, it's just money for companionship. But like the other girl who admitted it was like, almost all of us do that. That's not true. I'm on... seeking?

No. No, I'm on a couple of sugar daddy sites. Wait, are you serious? Yeah, but I don't put my face on it. I just like to browse the girls to see who's doing it. How much money... You have to pay for their like... You pay them a monthly fee?

Well, how does that work? Well, in the sites, right, it's basically like you have to donate money to see certain photos. Right. And there's a message board there. And these are all girls that are like seeking a sugar daddy. Uh-huh.

Right? But I don't know how much it is. But you get to see them in real life as it's only internet-based? No, you get to see them in real life. But you have to, obviously, during the messaging and stuff, you know what I mean?

You have to convince them. For research for the show. For the show. Can the show pay for you to have a sugar baby for a month and just so we can hear what that's like? And can you have a sugar daddy for a month? Yeah, but I can't put myself...

I don't know why, but I don't want to put my face on that site. I don't know why. What do you have to do to have a sugar daddy? You have to have a profile and you have to put it on there. I'll show you what it looks like. Well, he can bring it up right there.

We have a huge computer. Yeah, but let me just... Well, here's the actual profile. My actual profile. Oh, you have a profile? Oh, yeah. So I'm in LA, California, right? And you can go...

And these are... They say the age. And then they show... Can I see? Yeah. Oh, wow. That's my wife! Wait, that's crazy, though.

So 24 and then she... And then they just say what they want. Yeah. So what they need, like what donations they need or... Yeah, yeah. And then what do they do for the money? That's illegal.

I can't talk about that. No, no, no. That's not true because... But Bobby asks for something. No, I've never done it. I've never done it. They get like an allowance weekly, I believe. Right.

You pay for the rent. Yeah, I don't need that, though. If I was at a point where I needed to do that, I don't need to do it. See, this is what's funny. I've clicked on two of these now. Yeah. And both of them, it says they haven't filled out their wants section,

which means they're open to you saying, here's what I need. Tell me, like, look, this one says wants. Oh, this one, fill it out. Looking for a sweet sugar daddy. Hello. I'm looking for a real sugar daddy. No games, please.

I'm looking for someone to spoil me. I'll be support. I am looking for companionship and to be a loyal sugar baby to the right daddy. I'm very fun, bubbly and loyally trustworthy. Body type, fit, ethnicity, Hispanic. 24. And her name is Diana.

I just realized why I have the sign. Why? When I look at the photos, I always yell at them. What do you mean? Get a job. Get a job at Subway. This is their job. That's a sour daddy.

Yeah, I want to be a sour daddy. Because it doesn't just make you. I mean, let me just say something, right? Yeah. With only fans, right? And I know there's a lot of women and I support it if you want, but it's just like, there is a part of me that I can't do it. Right?

And it's like, as a male, I was never able to, you know what I mean, get any kind of money based on the way I looked. That's literally how you make money right now. Yeah. I know, but it's not, no, no. That is exactly how we make money right now. I understand that, but we had to spend 30 years grinding it out. So these women are smarter than us.

They beat us to the punch. They figured it out. These women literally cut the line. They figured out, why am I wasting my time with loser guys when I can just get paid to talk to other loser guys who aren't broke. But there's a new study though. Steal their money. Saying, look at this society though.

The new study is one of three men under the age of 30 do not have sex. Okay. Do you know why? Was that different years ago? Yes. Okay. Why? Because in our age of social media, right, and in our age of the internet,

they, um, one of three men, right, they, um, they're just obsolete now because they don't have the money. Right. They don't have the money. They don't have the resources. They don't have the resources. Right. And kind of it again.

Hmm. Sounds like these men need to find a job. No. Zoom in. I think she, look, it says right here. Disenfranchised. A growing body of research has been reported. The declines in sex says Chung Chi, Jane Fu, a research associate at the IU School of

Public Health in Bloomington led the study. Uh, men don't know how to speak to women anymore because of the phone. Yeah. And the women don't like losers. So. Yeah. I don't know if that's true. Like they did a study on like Tinder, right?

Like, you know, like if you get 50, if you could have 50 men and 50 men, women on Tinder, um, 48, uh, 46 of the women are going for four men on Tinder. Right. Mm hmm. And because it's like, those are the ones that they want, right? Yeah. But let me say that. There's other factors that are involved in this, right?

We as a society because of social media have become way more vain, way more self-involved. And so when they get on these fucking apps, they're looking for the hot guy and you look at some of these studies, they ask young women where they're like, what would you want a guy to make a living, you know, to make you happy? And all of these women say insane numbers. I know. That's what I'm saying. They're like, I went a half a million dollars a year.

It's like, you know, only men under fucking 30 make a half a million dollars. It's like less than a half of a percent makes that kind of income around the country. And they want someone who's tall and they want some of this. So you see all these things, the expectations of humans have just gotten insane because of social media. They think they're going to meet the fucking perfect guy assuming they're the perfect girl. It's, everyone's crazy. Everyone needs to know your number.

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And whether you're a car person or not, we promise you'll learn something or at least get a laugh. Find own the road with AutoTrader wherever you get your podcasts. Hey Jodi, where do you get your podcasts? Everywhere. Wow. What do you mean? You know your fucking number.

One through ten? Yes. As physically or just in the whole thing? Your number. It's all the above. Everything in. All in. I'm a nine.

What are you talking about? Crazy fucking doesn't know shit. He knows his number. You know your number. What's your number? I'm a seven. I've been a seven my whole life. I know exactly what I want.

Oh, I'm a seven too then. Sure. I reached you far. Yeah. You went way too high. No, but no. I couldn't. I wouldn't defend my nine.

I wouldn't defend my nine. This is a room filled with sevens. No. I believe that you were once a seven. I've been a seven my whole. I've been seven. You really do other sevens get Netflix specials? Seven point five now.

Do you want me to name? Do you want me to name other sevens that got Netflix specials? Yeah, but they're not sevens. They're nines. No, no. Dude, you know, I'm going to listen. The truth is I know you're trying to be humble about it. No, I'm being serious.

I know what I look like. But dude, it's like I've even being single and reading my direct messages and stuff on my Instagram. So many girls go. I think you're not my type. I think Andrew's hot. So yeah. That's very fucking rude.

It is. I've gotten up with Theo too. I've matched with people on Tinder and all these getting sites and they say, I don't like you. I like Theo. Can you hook me with Theo or Andrew? I thought Theo messaged you. No, I don't.

I get it all the time. It breaks my heart when I see it. I don't like that. Well, it happens. Well, you know what I get when I'm saying I get messaged. You're a good looking guy. I get messages where people go, love Bobby, love the show. I hate you.

But that's fine. That's not fine. That hurts. That's true. You get that? Oh yeah. I've got a podcast. I've read a couple of those, but I've read a thousand.

We love you. Yeah. Who the fuck says you're ruining the show? You're not ruining this. That's why you're on it. We decide. Anybody who thinks that Juicy's ruining the show, stop watching the fucking show. How about that?

Watch, but just tune her out. I mean, come on. Let's not go crazy. Yeah, man. We need the numbers. All right. Stop commenting. She sucks.

All right. Let's go move on. So funny. Watch it. But you're a good looking guy. You're on nine. You're a successful person. Juicy, you have influence.

You are nine. Don't pull the seven with me. I'm an eight point five. What's Juicy? She was a four. What is she now? A six. Because of the show.

Yes. So you say she was a four, which I disagree with. And you think now she's a six? Yes. I agree. Because you gain confidence with it. I think you're a beautiful person, Juicy. No, we're all the same in terms of like God's love.

Yeah, my number. In terms of God's love, God uses the same, right? Right. I'm saying here in LA. I get that. Yeah. Okay. What's these two?

Oh, wow. That's a hard one. What's the shitfish? Shitfish? Yeah. What's shitfish? Shitfish in real life. I'm sorry that this is sticking, but it sounds so fun to say.

Yeah. Honestly, dude, I think shitfish, you're a seven. Thank you. All right. Just say it. We have to get shitfish shirts. Yeah. Yeah.

Can we just do your fate, like your head, your floating head? On the bottom of the ocean? In the bottom of the ocean? They say shitfish. I gotta say yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's fancy.

Now, by the way, he's gotten even higher because his status from the show, his status in the community, he's having a fucking baby and women. I would say he's an eight. Eight, yeah. Yeah. I would say you're an eight. I'm a ten. But my point is, is that there's so many men out there that are, and I just, I don't

know who to blame. Who? I know who to blame. Who? Mark Zuckerberg. That's true. Facebook fucking ruined society. I completely think it was the demise of social interactions in society.

It's made some things wonderful, but most things dog shit. Yeah, but the internet helped us though. So it's like, I struggle with the concept of the internet. Yeah, because it's detrimental and it's also so, so good. It's like, for me, in terms of my business, it got me past the fucking middlemen. I agree. It did help. It did.

And we could just go directly to the people and the people decide if we're funny. I like that. And I really appreciate them. Yeah. And I really appreciate the relationship with our fans, right? Because we don't have somebody that has to tell us the way we're supposed to talk to our fans and do our version of- We could ha ha YouTube without Facebook.

That's what I'm saying. I think Facebook is what I'm blaming. Not YouTube, not Google. I think Facebook in general, which was this world, dude, I went to Arizona State. We were one of the non Ivy League schools that got Facebook first, right? So Ivy League schools went first and then non Ivy Leaguers were like Arizona State, Florida State, like these big universities, state schools. We got it first and I remember, I remember vividly seeing all these photos of people

on campus and being like, holy shit, it opened up this new world of you could flirt with anybody on here. I can just say hello to a girl that I would never say hi to in public because I don't have the balls, but on here I can be like, hey, I think you're fucking hot or make a funny joke. And if she likes it, then I won. And I was like, the power of that is crazy. It's crazy.

You have the ability to go up to a girl, face to face and say something real. You can just hide behind the computer forever and you never need to go do the thing if you don't want to. Yeah. That's where my jealousy came through my space. Right. Can I tell you what happened? Huh.

What was your screening? Bobby Lee. That's it? Yeah. Oh. So I was friends with Dr. Ken Jong. Noodles Magoodles or something like that. Come on, man.

Come on, Noodles Magoodles. That was a good one. I didn't think of it. I'm saying come on, man, because that's bright. So good. Noodles Magoodles at AOL.com. That would have been great. That would have been great.

This is so embarrassing, this story. So I was friends with Dr. Ken and you know how you could you put your top 10 friends or 15 friends? Yeah, I remember that. Your top friends, right? Yeah. So for years, I was Ken's top friend. But then he started moving up in the world, right?

So one day I looked at his, my space and it was Apatow, Will Ferrell. I mean, this is the new people he's hanging out with, right? So I was at fucking cobs with him and I walk up to him. I go, and I was, my tone was bad. I go, hey bitch. Okay. Oh, you're moving up. I'm not your top friends, my space.

He turns around and he pushes me, dude. And then Steve Byrne had to fucking separate us. We almost got in a fist fight. What? Yeah. Over the top friends on my space. The top friends, my space. But he did remove you.

Yeah. He never put me back on either. Fuck him, dude. Fuck that guy. Fuck, that was a stinky move. That was a stinky thing. Stinky, stinky move. Yeah, yeah.

That was close to, that was almost. But that was childish. I'm like, well, who gives a fuck? What do you mean you do care? I don't. Yeah. I could care so much. That's a big deal.

I cared so much. Back then, that was a fucking huge deal. Did you have MySpace or no? Yeah. That was a big deal. How old were you? 12? What?

No. I was in junior high. Yeah, I was going to say probably 16, 14, 15. Yeah. I was close. And into high school, I had it too. You know what I hated about MySpace? What?

That I couldn't gain any ground on it. Like I felt like I would try to like post stuff and do stuff and it just wasn't gaining. So I was like, this is a fucking waste of my emotional time. I don't remember MySpace. I got laid. You know how? Tell us. I'm sure I can say her name.

But you don't need to. Okay. There's this one girl. Beautiful. Right. She was a suicide girl. Oh, well, okay. She was a suicide girl.

A suicide girl. Yeah. It's a company. What? People might not know what you're talking about. Suicide girl is a... No, she tried to kill herself. Oh.

I just wanted to let you know, but she was a suicide girl. By the way, I was setting you up for that joke. Waiting. Okay. I did it. I did it. I did it. Thank you.

And then she only followed all, at the time, Asian actors at the time. She's not Asian. Beautiful redheaded white girl. One of my people. 511. So me. Beautiful. How do you know it wasn't me?

What? It wasn't you. Okay. Then we fucked. Okay. If it was you, you and I fucked it. Okay. All right.

And then just through messaging, you could tell that she only likes Asian actors. And I was the last of the famous Asian actors. She had been through everybody. Yeah. Jack Lee. I mean, everybody. Rip through them all. Rip through them all, right?

And then I met her in Vegas and we had sex in my hotel room. Which hotel? It was at the Bellagio, I believe. That's a good hotel. It's a good hotel. What's the worst hotel you've stayed in in Vegas? In Vegas? Yeah.

Well, I've stayed in good ones. What's the worst one? Because when I was coming up and we had to go to Vegas, we stayed at Circus Circus, which is very, very sad. Yeah. It's the saddest place on earth. It's so gross and sad in there. And the worst one, we had to all split a room.

We shared a room in the fucking basement of the mirage. It smelled like mold and I thought, well, I'm not going to sleep in this room. We're going to die. I slept outside. I mean, I just sat on the sidewalk and took a nap. I did not want to go back to a moldy basement mirage hotel. I stayed in the extended stay America just two nights ago and it was awful. Those are tough.

The guy sent me to the wrong hotel room at 3 a.m. Where was this at in Santa Barbara? In Santa Barbara. And I went back down three times on the third time. I was like, the key's not working. He's like, maybe you're in the wrong room. Jesus. And he did the head thing?

Yeah. I was like, you tell me, man. If he had done that, I would have killed him. I would have murdered him. Murdered him. But then he started freaking out that he was going to get in trouble because I told him, I was like, chill, but I said, man, you sent me to somebody else's room at 3 a.m. That could have been pretty dangerous.

Yeah. And he started freaking out. He's like, I'm going to get in trouble. Like, oh, no, this sucks. And I had to calm him down. I was like, I'm not going to rat on you, man. I just need the key to my room. That's why Hilton fired this guy.

He just couldn't get it together. They're like, go to extended stay, man. We can't. We can't believe people will know now. Well, I didn't. Yeah, I guess. Did you ever play Harrods in Vegas? I never did.

Because Harrods, you'd have to do 16 shows in one week. Yeah, Monday through Sunday. Monday through Sunday. Oh, my God. Mondays. 16? Monday through Wednesday were the most brutal shows you could possibly do. And at the time, I had no money.

And so they gave you an employee pass, and you ate at the, with the employees in the basement. In the basement. In the basement. I did that with Laugh Act. Right, right. Yeah. And you wait in line with the guy.

With the dealer. The dealer is everybody. The janitors. And you can smoke in there, too. I remember. In the basement. You still can. I know, right?

So in the Harrods, there's a Geraldina's ice cream place. Is that what I'm saying? I think that's right. Yeah. Geraldine. Yeah, Geraldine. No, no. Gerardelli's.

Gerardelli's. Gerardelli's ice cream. And I remember sitting there, I had a fucking banana split. And there was a fucking guy from the south sitting next to me. We just sprung up a conversation, and I literally asked him, where can I get a gun in Vegas? I remember asking that. He's like, you know what, man? He's like, when I'm done with mine, you can use it.

Yeah, I go, because I think I'm going to kill myself. I'm not, I was literally, that's how miserable I was. You're like, I think I'm going to banana split. That's right here. I love it. Meat locker, not so much, but. And people say you suck. You're good.

So good. Vegas, when you're sad and broke, is maybe the toughest place. Oh, I remember. I stayed in the Howard Johnson. The Howard Johnson. This was like eight years ago. I forgot all about it. The LHJ, baby.

Yeah. The me and my buddy, Kenner. Where do you eat in Vegas? What's your favorite restaurant? In Vegas? Yeah. Interesting. What?

That's what it's called? I kind of don't want to give it away. See how foofy is? No, no, on air. On air, I'm saying. You'll tell me? Oh, I would tell you everything. I tell you everything.

Is it in the, any of the casinos? No. Okay. No, I'll tell you, I'll tell everyone right now. I'll blow it up, because it's one of the best. It's called Lotus of Siam, Google Lotus of Siam. And it's an Asian restaurant? It is.

Chinese? It is maybe my favorite Thai food I've ever had in my entire fucking life. It's off the strip. It was award-winning. It's in a fucking strip mall out, out in Vegas. Go to photos of the inside of it. I think Lotus of Siam is one of my fucking favorite Thai restaurants I've ever been to in my fucking.

Wow. It's so good. And they're award-winning, but it looks like this. It's old school Vegas. It's been there for like 50 years. It's in a shitty little strip mall. It's super unassuming. You would never know.

Well, look, they've redone the outside of the whole thing, unless that's the second location. They're killing it. When they put neon signs like that, they're killing it. Is that the second location? Because that's the original. Right there is what the original looks like. Wow.

That's amazing. And honestly, my buddy brought me, that's exactly what it looked like right there. That was what it was. Wow. So my friend says, who's a family member who lives in Vegas and says, you know, what kind of food do you want? I said, well, you know, let's go off for like a steak or Italian or whatever. And he's like, you want good Thai food?

And I said, I don't know, man, LA has really good Thai food. And he was like, trust me, though, you will, I promise you'll love this place. I said, okay, do we get in the car? We go to this spot. I swear to God, I got out of the car. I was like, this isn't funny. This isn't, you're fucking with me. This is not even a funny bit.

Especially when you're hungry. I was starving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was losing my mind. We go inside. It was honestly, it was like a Tuesday night. It was slammed, tons of people waiting. I was like, what the fuck?

You could not tell from the outside. And when we get inside, he knows someone. We get a table right away. Did you speak the language or no? Yeah. That's all. That's all. That's all.

That's what I want. Yeah. And I love when he does that. So racist. But it was so, look at that's what it was like. I mean, it was like, it was so slammed and he said to me, he goes, how do you like to order food? And I said, when I go to a place like this, give me as much stuff as we can eat.

Like I'll take, I don't want, you know, when you go, I don't want to order one dish. Fuck that. I want to try all the shit. You and I together. We've eaten together. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's absurd.

We're crazy. We'll take, give me the whole half of the menu. Yeah. Yeah. But he ordered so much shit. And then you leave and I pay for it. But anyway. That's right.

You're rich. I'm not. Yeah, you are. Anyway. But I, but I am, is my favorite place. I'm going to go. You have to go. Why don't, how come we've never done?

Where could we? I'm so sick of that. Where can we play in Vegas? Well, let's do a show in Vegas and then we can go. But where? What do you mean? Where? I know.

We could go to wise guys and stay at Polly's house. Oh God. Oh my God. No, I mean. Nicholas Cage is his neighbor. I know. He told me that story on my show that Nick Cage was his neighbor and they hang out all the time.

Yeah. I've seen videos of them. So it's true. No, I believe him. It's just so funny that Nick Cage and Polly sure. I mean, it's just like, that's exactly what would be like that new Nick Cage movie. Yeah. That's exactly like what his real life.

Did you see that movie? Yeah. A bearable weight. A bearable weight or something. Massive talent. Massive talent. Yeah. And carrot top.

The three of them are in a group chat. You know Jason Swartzman? Yeah, of course. From Rushmore? Yeah. He has a brother. His older brother. Yes.

Yeah. So I was talking to Robert and I go, um, any Nick Cage stories because that's his cousin. Yeah, that's so weird. He's the coolest guy, he said. I mean, I love him so much. If he's walked down the street and now he would hug me and we would, you know what I mean?

He's legit. He's a great guy. Well, you know, do you know about the- Their family is- The Coppola family? I didn't know that. Do you know who- Do you know who Francis Ford Coppola is?

Yeah. And then I forgot Nicholas Cage is a Coppola, but I did hear that before. He is. But they're Swartzman, sorry. So Coppola, the director. Yeah. His sister is Talia Shire. Yeah.

Do you know who Talia Shire is? Mm-mm. She was in The Godfather, but she was also in Rocky. She played Adrienne. Oh. You remember Adrienne? A family tree. Adrienne, right?

Look at me. Sorry. Right? Don't look away from him. Yeah. Look at me. Her two kids is Jason Swartzman and Robert Swartzman. Whoa.

Her brother, our sons. Right there. And Matthew Shire. Yeah. Talia Coppola, Francis Ford Coppola. That whole family is legit. Giancarlo Coppola, Roman, and Sophia. Roman, also a director.

Yeah, Roman. The most famous Italian fucking show business family in the world. So talented. Do you think? Well, I mean, there's no one- There's no one with that kind of extension. I mean, I would say the only one that would come close would be like- Yeah.

You know, I don't know fucking if Scorsese has extended family, but- Maybe the Olsons? Take a walk. Well, they're our sisters. I know. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop for a second. Let's explore that.

Okay. For the fans. For the fans. All right. The Olsons. There's someone on a keyboard right now. This is what I'm talking about. I mean, because we're doing Italian, are the Olsons Italian?

Oh, I didn't know we were doing Italian. I thought it was- Well, let's find out are the Olsons Italian. Welcome back to Are the Olsons Italian. Ashley Fuller Olsons was born in 1986 in Sherman Oaks. Daughter of Jeanette Jamil. Norwegian ancestry. Yeah.

That was close. French, German, and Italian. Oh, shit. Okay. All right. So the Olsons family is one of the oldest historic Italian families in Hollywood. Yeah. I guess that makes sense.

Interesting. Wow, you're bright. Thank you. You're welcome. Those kids, those kids, those adult women now, it's just so funny that they did something so powerful when they were young that they literally never had to work ever again. They chose two in different ways, but they made so much fucking money as children. They never had to do anything ever again.

That's what cute does. Cute. They were 550 million dollars. No one cuter as white girls. Macaulay Culkin, cute white boy. Dude, he's a cutie, too. Cutie, patootie. Cute.

You knew Olsons cute? Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore. Cute as fuck, but you know, short round was cute, too. For an Asian. We got an Asian in there. Well. Data?

Data was cute. He was cute. And now he won an award. Oscar? But not cute anymore. He's not cute anymore. Let me see what he looks like now. What do you mean he's not cute anymore?

He's won an Oscar, right? Golden Globe. Yeah. Golden Globe, I mean. I like him. He killed it in that movie. I think he's kind of cute, so. Vroom.com.

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I don't want to go. It's a waste of time. I just don't want to go. I want to be in the company at home. Where'd you go? Where'd you go, bud? I went to vroom.com, baby. That's where I went.

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It belongs in a corner office. Don't mind me, I'm just manifesting. Head to Winners for great deals on designer fashion. Winners, find fabulous for less. Yeah. There's a really cute- Wait a minute, let the shitfish explain. Go ahead.

Go ahead, glory boy. Yeah, glory boy. I just don't think he's ugly. He's not ugly. We didn't say he was ugly. Well, I thought not being cute meant ugly. Ah. Yeah.

Okay. Imagine wallpaper. Just imagine that. I'm thinking about it. Yeah. All right. You're in Asia, then, right? You walk into a wallpaper, it's like little koi fish, and a couple of dragons, right?

Oh, I like that. And there's some paintings up there, too, right? One of like, Sherman Mao. Mao Zedong. Mao Zedong. Yeah. Right? It's a Sherman Mao.

I don't know what Sherman Mao is. Right. And then you see it, the whole. I see it. You see a whole, right? Yeah. Right? Would you do it if you knew that he was on the other side?

I think I would just say hi. No, no, it's, no, there's no, you can't look, you can't put your eye in it. No. No, but I wouldn't, if I knew he was- Yeah. Because you put your eye in it and it sticks your dick in, that's weird. But you're not allowed to talk to him. Yeah, you can't talk.

That's part of the rules. Yeah. He keeps making these situations where I'm like, like on my knees at whole level, like I'm the one sucking dick. Something. Oh, that's true. We never even got to that. But no, no, that's-

No, we never got to that. Right. So in these older situations- I've never done that. You never went the other way. It didn't go the other way. Yeah. Ever.

A dick never came out the other way. No, no. You swear to God. I swear. No, I'm hiding stuff. He said no. Now he doesn't swear to God though. The way that he said it sounded really sketchy.

That was sketchy. I can't swear to God. Why? Why? It's God. Ask me to swear to God right now. I'll do it right now. Swear to God.

I'll swear to God on anything. Hey, are you black? Swear to God. No, I swear to God. Yeah. Easy money. I'll even say- Are you black?

I'm black. Swear to God. I don't care. It doesn't matter. I will lie. Swear to God. It doesn't matter. Swear to God.

I swear to God. Okay, good. All right. All right. I don't mind. In the first game he would go booby trap. And then he would- Right.

What? Oh! I gotta tell ya. I- I gotta say, I don't believe that you haven't Socksuck. I think you have Socksuck. Andrew, I wouldn't- No, no, I've been thinking about it.

I promise, I've never Socksucked. Have you ever gotten fucked in the ass before by a man? No. I've never had butt stuff. you jerked off a man before? Never. Okay. Swear to God. Swear to the Lord. Wow. Interesting. I just don't believe it. I don't believe it either. For some reason, it just doesn't lay right with me. Yeah. All right. Get off of this guy. Well, congratulations to him, by the way. We're killing it. Very much killing it. I'm

going to, I want to say this because this episode is going to be out and I'm going to be in Australia, mate. Yep. And I'm very excited to go, but I'm very nervous and I'm not going to lie. Why? Last night, last night, my buddy, Chris said to me, he goes, you've been running really hot. And I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, well, dude, you were like you, I was gone for a month, then I came back for four days, then I went to Paris, then I'm back for literally like what not a full week, and I'm gone again. Then he goes, you haven't had time to like register any of this stuff, huh? And I was like, not to be honest with you. The only time I have was talking to you. Yeah. And I was like, I really haven't thought

about it. And he goes, I bet you so much money the moment you get to Australia and your hotel by yourself, you're going to cry. He's like, you're going to cry in happiness and like just like in just like letting the wait sit on me. And I said to him, maybe, because I haven't I don't know the last time I cried. How are you feeling right now? That's what I'm so happy. No, no, but I'm agreeing with what he's killing the game. No, no, I'm agreeing. I'm so proud of you. What he's saying is true. I'm acknowledging. I'm not think it's like I can't believe it. I'm leaving in four hours. Yeah. It still hasn't registered in my body yet. Like when I came back from New York, I was still like, okay, now it's time I can

just like get back to doing the pod and seeing you guys. And then I have no time. I was like, it just hasn't registered yet. And I know I'm going to be alone over there a little bit. So it's going to register. No, what's going to happen is that these guys that you're in the movie with over there are going to invite you out because you guys are quarantined. And you can have it. We're going to get seen on this fucking podcast. I don't know, man. I think I think those guys are pretty in their own space. I don't know. That's what I thought when I went to fucking hungry. And that became friends with all of everybody. Yeah, but you're affable in a different way. All right. Anyway, let's move on. This fucking guy fucking plays

golf with celebrities. He's invited to private parties. This is the guy. Okay. Sorry. This is the guy in New York. You're like, I'm having to I'm not going to say who but like famous guys. I went with you. Okay. All right. So don't play this game right now. You were there too. I know, but I was invited by you. That's right. All right. So let's move on. You're killing it. But I'm just, no, I am happy. I'm nervous. I'm not going to lie. I'm very, very nervous. You're honestly, every movie you've done has bombed. No, it doesn't matter. You've stolen the scenes. I agree from from these movies. There's something about you where it's just like people just chuckle once you get on screen. Well, you're the same way. You're the

six exact same guy. Yeah, the same guy. How Hollywood. Hello, Hollywood. Yeah. Hello, Hollywood. Hi. That's a Hollywood. Can you imagine? No, that actually probably is what Hollywood is. Some fucking goofball guy who barely speaks English. Hi. Yeah. How are you making your decisions, Hollywood? How do you pick movie stars now? I look and see who I chuckle with. See what I mean? That's Hollywood. I look to see who I chuckle with. That's why we're fucked. Yeah. That's why this whole system is shattered because guys like this are running the show. Yeah. I can't get behind it, dude. You're fired. Have you ever fucked up a slate so bad? Have you ever fucked up a slate live in front of people, you know? Like live when you're supposed

to like, Hey, I'm interested in, you know, six foot one, whatever the fuck. No, I always make it weird. Live when you're live. Even live. Yeah. What do you do? Because if you make it weird, it makes them, I try to get a laugh in the slate. Yeah, you're memorable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'll like, if they go turn around or turn your side profile, I'll turn it completely around. You'll get, you know what I mean? Shake your ass. Right. I'll do it like, yeah, I'll do stuff that they make them laugh. Yeah. Right. And I was, this is a thing. This is so stupid. This is one of my things though. It's just you have to pretend that you're grateful to be there, but you don't need it. That is kind of part of the trick. You want, do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, they want,

you want them to need you. Right. You're like, this is kind of, you know what I mean? Below me, but I'm cool. You have to be like, Hey guys, sorry I'm late. I've, all right, anyway. You've done that. I've done that. I've done that. I'm sorry I'm late. Yeah. I'll do that on the self-tape. Hey, Jesky, sorry I'm late. Yeah. The most embarrassing thing that I did, I, when I tested for a fucking SNL, you're supposed to say your fucking name when you got on stage and I was so excited and nervous and anxious. I didn't say my name. I went right into a character. You're supposed to say your name. Say hello to the table. Hey, go. Hey, you guys, because they're filming it. So it's supposed to go, Hey, everybody. Hey, I'm Andrew Santino. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Then you're supposed to step back and then start the tape. I literally got on stage and I was like, I swear to God. I swear to God. Laura was there, obviously. Was that there? I think so. But they don't, you can't really see the whole table. Right. Like they put them kind of in the dark on purpose. And then, you know, I think Higgins was there. I think there was a, you know what I mean? I think there was a few people that are part of that family that were just there to like watch and give their opinion. But I remember in the middle of the first character, I was panicking, sweat beats, because it was doing well. But I was like, I didn't say my fucking name. I didn't say my name. I was panicking the whole time. And I knew, and then I thought,

once it's done, I can't go, Hey, I'm Andrew Santino. I had to go right into another character. I love it. I was losing my mind upstairs. I love it. Yeah, I just started fucking rambling on. One of my favorite ones that never made it that I didn't do live, that I did on the tape that they liked, but I was, I did a sushi chef with a list. I said, my name is Salami Samuson. I'm a sushi chef to the stars. Today, we're serving sashimi. And I just had a really heavy list was a sushi chef chef to the stars. Salami Samuson sushi. Did it kill? And on the tape, it did great. Yeah. But when we went down the tape lines of like what characters they said I should do live, they said not to do it live. Wow. Because, and I got it, I knew exactly why. Why? Because it's all

up here. It's all like my like, you would have to physically see me dressed like a sushi chef and doing something absurd to help the character along with story where the other ones you could do story without needing the, you know what I mean? It was so much more voice than physical. But the other ones were physical. But that one, I thought was one of my favorites. Sashimi, sir. I just love the idea of making the writers write something. I wanted them to write something for me where you couldn't understand a word that I was saying. You couldn't really hear any of that. They all blended together, you know? We should do a bad friend sketch show. Shem shaman shaki? We should do it. I would kill to do a bad friend sketch show.

And get some of her friends in it. What do you think? I would love to be a part of that. All right. Well, you're auditioning right now for the bad friend sketch show. Okay. Go ahead. Three impressions, three characters, please. When you're ready. Okay. Hey, what's up? I'm Bobby Lee. Is it good? It's really, really good. Fuck. The accent. You know what the problem was? Not Asian. You didn't slate. Oh, no. Well, I was doing and that was my second impression of you. Andrew Santino. Oh, are we doing impression of do a real impression of me? Go ahead. Sound like me. Had a shitty day. I golfed with a couple millionaires.

And now I have to go to Australia. I think I'm going to cry when I get there. So good. So good. All right. All right. So good. Now do Bobby. Hey, fuck you, man. Oh, that's good. Pretty good. That sounds exactly like you. Yeah, I know it's fucking good. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, are you guys watching the last of us? Oh, so good. You told me to watch that. I just haven't gotten around to it. It's really good, huh? What do you think of it? I like it. But not great. Oh, Bobby doesn't like it. What? I'm into it. I know it's slow, but I think it'll get cooler. Yeah, I don't know about mushroom zombies. Show me the pictures.

You told me this. We talked about it. No, because the video game is so good. And then I read it. I saw it for the first time last night. What do you mean it's a video? Oh, it was a video game. Yeah. It's like, what should we call it? What's the other thing that just did this? Yeah, they're like mushroom zombies. That's a zombie. Yeah. What happened to their heads? They're infected with mushrooms, fungi. What? Yeah, yeah. Wait, so that's what they're that's the what they're fighting. But you know how like, you know, trees and all these things communicate through the fungi? Correct. It's like the internet, the fungi, right? So I guess the internet now has gone into humans and they tell humans what to do. So if you if you

step on a fungi, it lets other fucking zombies know where they are. So they're all communicating. But I just don't get zoom in on that. What is that? Yeah. Whoa, overgrown fungi. Yeah. That's developed like hairs and stuff. Yeah, I just I just is that scary? It's nasty. It's pretty scary. It's gross. Yeah, it's pretty scary. What do you you don't like it? It's okay. You've seen it? Yeah, I've seen only the first episode. What kills them? It seems like zombies are hard to kill. Yeah, like explosives. Well, well, because look, zombies in the modern world, you can yeah, yeah, let's go there. What kills a vampire? Tell me, well, vampires, garlic or a steak to the heart. And light and light, very good. And sunlight sunlight, right? You have UV rays work to

correct. All right. What about now you wear a wolf? Silver bullet. Fucking you're so good. Silver bullet. Very good. What kills a Frankenstein? You remove the bolts from his neck. Very good. Yeah, blood. That's holding his body together. Right, mommy. You got to step on one end and unravel it. Very good. Like a tetherball. Yeah, and then you see what they look like. You don't like it. So you put it back. I don't know what they look like underneath. Yeah, I'll rewrap it. Okay, so what what's another one? Now zombie zombie, you must shoot in the head. Exactly. You have to remember the brain. Yeah. But see, this is what I mean. This thing doesn't look like it has a traditional

brain. Yeah, I think one bullet went to the head and he kept going. So I don't know what the fuck happened. So how did a bunch of bullets. No, I don't like that. See, it is though. And they're fast. These creatures of our of our modern fantasy, they need to have the one way to kill them. Right, which is why in signs, I was bummed that it was water. Spoiler alert. You know what? Don't fucking fuck with me with signs, dude. It was water. One of the best movies ever made. Water. It's fine. Water. Yeah, that's why they went inland. Yeah, but dude, they landed on a planet that's fucking mostly water. Yeah, but their planet, who knows? What was 95% water? No, no, no. Water kills them. I know they weren't a planet 95. And

they went, let's go to earth. That's 40% water or whatever. So they were surviving on a planet of species with all water. I have no idea. I don't know where they come from. This is my point. It makes no sense. They came to a planet that's comprised mostly of water when water is the thing that kills. So we also don't know how many planets are there have like the same kind of like, you know, atmospheres that they and us, we have almost none of them. But why would they come here to the water one? Because we don't know what they come from. But there's so many other ones without water. I don't know. Are there how many? All of them. We're one of the only ones like this. This doesn't make sense. Most of the planets don't have fucking water as abundant as we do.

Why would you come here? There could be. No. Okay. Earth is the only known planet to have consistent stable bodies of liquid water on its surface. Yeah. How many? No, no, don't laugh at me. All right. How many? Okay, let me ask you something. Okay. How many planets are in our galaxy? That's unlimited. No, but just it's gonna say billions. No, it's eight. No, no, in our galaxy. No, that's our solar system in our galaxy. God damn it. Shit fish. 100 billion, right? In our galaxy, right? Yeah. They say that 350 million of them could have atmospheres like us. But we don't. Yeah, but maybe maybe that's what I'm saying, though. It could be. We don't have lightspeed travel, but that alien from the fucking movie science can do that. Okay, but imagine he has

lightspeed travel sciences that have discovered 55 planets that could be Earth-like, could be Earth-like. Where? How far? Who the fuck knows? My point is, say you're zooming through space. I'm you and I are aliens. We're us three are in the fucking ship. We're going at lightspeed. Can I drive? Even in space, Asians. That's why I wanted to hit a planet. I threw a fucking. Because you threw the last joke, I threw you a joke. Can you imagine? The suicide joke? Thank you. You're welcome and thank you. Can you imagine, by the way, we get into a car accident in space and I'm like, Bobby, it's infinite. How did you hit something? I just, you know what I mean? It's just hard to fucking, you know what I mean? Park with this. Power steering is tough. Anyway,

the blind spot. But say we're zooming through space. All of us are on the spaceship. We're zooming along. Why is there three ships? Are we in one? We're together. Yeah. Yeah. Why did you do three ships? No, that's stuff zooming bias. Oh, I said we're in the ship. I think those are planets we're zooming by. Okay. Okay. And then as we're zooming and I go, where would you guys like to stop? By the way, just to remind you, water is the only thing that kills us. There are billions and billions of places to stop. Which one would you like to stop at? Well, the only planet that we know that we could live on with the same atmosphere as ours is Earth. So we'll fucking go there. But it has too much water. Yeah, but our planet has 90% water. What do you say, globe? Hey,

have you guys checked out this bad friends podcast? It's awesome. And these guys are on earth. That's why they came. You think they came here for us? Yeah. It was a good movie, though. It was a good movie. It was. I really liked it. I know, but I didn't like the catch. I didn't like water. Oh, that's true. I didn't like water. What would you like better? What kills them? Yeah. I don't know. But M nob Shamalamp, you should have caught up with something else. What about air? They also couldn't open doors again. Stupid. Hey, yeah, what the fuck? They got here in a fucking spaceship. They couldn't open a door. Yeah. Suspension of disbelief, man. I know. Like you were watching there like, Oh, you can't get out of the cupboard. Okay. Yeah, they can't. But why? No, but they have

fingers because he chopped one of them off. Yes. So I don't get it. They have claws. They had claws. So could the hook not open a door? I don't know. I don't know. A dog can't open a door. Your dog doesn't die from water. How about this Google? And I've said this before. I'll tell you the worst part of assigns that I hate because I've seen the movie a thousand times. Yeah. They board up the house. Yes, I remember. Right. Remember, they know the aliens are attacking. Where do they hear first? They're dog guy. Yeah, the dog. You left the dog out there. Who left scruffy out there? I don't even remind you. The one guy you would get first. I'd get my dog before anybody else. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, dog can't open doors. You gotta get the dog.

My thing would be Uncle Frank's out there. Leave him. Yeah, leave him. We got fucking Superman when his dad goes to save the dog and then he dies. You like that choice. Yes. What? What? What? With Superman. In Superman, he's saying Superman with Christopher Reeves. No, Kevin Costner. Costner. Yeah. He's saying his dad goes to save the dog sacrifices himself to try to save the dog. And he's saying that's the choice that you make. And I think so. 100%. Yeah, 100%. How about you? Absolutely not. Yeah, but you have a dog at home? Yeah. No, you don't. You don't love him. You have a dog at home. You love him. Yes. No, he thought about it. You don't love your dog. Your piece of shit. You thought about it. Your piece of shit. What's

your dog's name? What's your dog's name? Riley. Riley. Does Riley sleep with you? No. Where does his dog sleep? Yeah, where? Her bed. Where is her bed outside? Page. Fucking piece of shit. That bad cage. Page. Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has a temporary bed. This is because your wife did that. Yeah, you would have left the dog outside. Yeah, your wife would have died. Saving the dog. Not you. You piece of shit. You know what, dude? What? When it all comes down. What? The wife and the dog and the baby now are gonna need someone to take care of them because this guy, he's running for the fucking hills. Yeah, when it gets bad, he's out of there. I'm gonna slide in there. I always wanted a family. Yeah, I'll have your family, dude. Okay. Uncle Papa Tito.

I cannot believe you wouldn't say that you'd fuck off the dog. Yeah, how about you, Carlos? Would you sacrifice your life for a dog for a dog? Yeah, yeah. Because you're not, you don't know if you're sacrificing your life. You're trying to say both of yourself. But the assumption would be I might die and that's okay. Yeah, but it's like, I have to, it's instinct. Gotta. Right? I have to do it. That's what happened when you made fun of me. Remember when the earthquake thing and my dog and I busted my fucking head? Do you remember that? And I went to the ER? What? What? You don't remember what you made fun of me for? For like a six months? That was foolish. No. Yeah, that was foolish. I got up really fast during the earthquake because I heard

something break in the front of the house. So I ran because the dog was sleeping in the front room. And I thought my, dude, my irrational brain woke up and I was like, not thinking clearly. And I heard the big break and I thought, what if the dog got hurt or something happened or it's trapped because one of our old lamps fell on the old ceiling fan that we used to have. Shattered and she was stuck in that fucking room. So it gives me, it gave me panic. Oh, wow. So I ran out there and when I ran out there, the blood rushed to my head because I was so like intense about trying to go get her. I sat down. That's why he used to make fun of me. I didn't know the dog part. That was why I freaked out. I'm sorry. I sat down and I blacked out.

My blood rush blacked me out and I smacked my fucking face on the, on the sink counter. You know what's fucked? You know what the doctor said? She was like, you are unbelievably lucky. She's like, you should have played the lottery. You were a centimeter away from that corner hitting your fucking eye and losing an eye. Because I hit right here, dude. It hit the corner of my eye. Imagine that. She's like, you could have lost an eye. Imagine that. And I would have done that for the dog. Fancy. Yeah. I would have lost my eye for my dog and I would have been okay with it because you know what? I was worried that she was going to be hurt. We'll play a pirate in the movies.

Are you fucking with me, pal? Play a good pirate, bud. Check this out. Anyway, shiver me timbers. Blow down my doors. Why do we even talk about signs? Because we're talking about fucking aliens and zombies and stuff. All right, right, right, right, right, right, right. You know this show. You know this show. Those aliens and zombies all the time. I love aliens and zombies, bud. I'm going to miss you guys more than I think I should. Have fun on your trip, man. But I do hope that we can have some call-ins when you guys do another taping. I can call in. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah, maybe. I got some good guests lined up, dude. They're already lined up. Oh, yeah. No,

you know that's not true. You're well aware that that's not true. Thank you for being a bad friend. How am I fucking doing? That was the test. No, you bring it out of me. That's so annoying. That's the test. No, here's the test. How about shut up, you bitch. Let's see what I mean. You ready to go? No, we're putting that in. You're sticking that in. That's the beginning. You're sticking that in because people have to see. Yeah, they should. Yeah, what that is. That's called being an alpha male. Yeah. That's being a bully. Yeah. Yeah. That's being I'm in the locker, right? Putting me in the locker. No, you're too fat for putting a locker. That's the second one. Write that down, dude. A meat locker? That's a third.

A meat locker. That's where you'd fit. That's how the whites do it, huh? Yeah. They gang up. Yeah, we gang up. Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. Say it, juice.