Bad Friends - Bad Breath Friends

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

Tour Tickets: https://badfriendspod.com Thank you to our Sponsors: HelloFresh, Morgan & Morgan & Seed • HelloFresh: Go to https://www.HelloFresh.com/badfriends16 and use code badfriends16 for 16 free meals and free shipping! • Find more about Morgan & Morgan at https://www.forthepeople.com/badfriends or #529 - from your cell  • Seed: get 25% off your first month at https://seed.com/badfriends code: BADFRIENDS YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Bad Friends Tour in Texas 1:06 The Boy Who Kissed the Dalai Lama 4:08 Bobby Is Tired of Peter Pan 13:42 Andrew and Bobby Takes Us To Church 26:09 The Song That Make Bobby Love Hip Hop 34:15 Does Carlos Have Bad Breath? 40:26 The Less Useful Limb for Comedians 49:47 Don't Blame the Whites for Guns 59:33 Ben Afflict Speaks Spanish for J.Lo More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Fancy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, bad friends, we're on tour. We're on tour right now. And look at the run that we're going on. We're going to go on the Texas run. We're doing a little kick, kick, kick, kick, kick this week. We're going to be in San Antonio, Dallas, Houston. And then we go up to the Northwest. We go to Spokane, Seattle, Portland.

And then we end this West Coast run. And then we go to Phoenix, where my mom is. Bobby Mama. I'm Bobby Mara. And then after the big break, we go down to Florida and fish the rest of the trip. We go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com for those tickets. And we want to say sorry to our friends in Virginia.

Yeah, so sorry. We had a scheduling conflict. And we had a scheduling conflict. It was stuff out of our control. I am so sorry. We had to reschedule. We'll figure it out. We'll get back out there sometime, somehow, someway.

It wasn't us. No, we're going to make it up. We're going to make it up. It's out of our control. So I'm sorry about that. Carlos' fault. It's all Carlos' fault, Virginia. Blame it on Carlos, the glory whole king.

Go to badfriendspod.com for tickets, badfriendspod.com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something. We're bad friends. And we're back with the boy that kissed the Dalai Lama.

There he is right there. So how was it when the Dalai Lama kissed your tongue? I thought it was weird. It was a little strange. He's a thick tongue. Did you see it, Juice? Did you see the Dalai Lama kiss a little boy's tongue? Oh, I watched it a lot of times.

Let's check it out. I know this episode is going to come out way later. Man, do I want to see this. Give me a smooch. Give me a kiss. So weird. Yeah. So weird.

So weird. Does the Dalai Lama have not people like other monks around him going, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, cameras. Dalai cameras. There's a Catholic truck down the street. We can go there. Well, but look, the funniest part about it is he didn't sneak it. He stuck it out and led with it.

You know when you see someone go like this, when you see someone like go to kiss someone, they go. He led with his tongue. You got to chill out, get there, then. Look, he's tongue. Right, you close mouth, and then you dart the tongue in. And he brings them. Like a little arrow.

He sparked controversy. Film kissing a boy. Suck his tongue. What a weird. He asked him. Well, that's what namaste means. Oh, that's namaste. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People don't know what namaste means. Suck my tongue. Suck my tongue. Namaste. Namaste. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That being said. That's a weird.

You think it's over? No, no, no, no. It's the beginning. I think we're going to find out how many tongues he's kissed. Right. I think this is the Dalai Lama's thing. That's my opinion. Yeah.

Are they celibate? Do they have to be? The Dalai Lama has to be celibate? Or no. Because then we've got a whole Catholic church thing going. Pete, you say yes? I say yes, yeah. Pete says yes.

Carlos has no idea. I say no. Ultimately, the Dalai Lama who like all Tibetan monks is celibate himself. Yes. So yes, said gay marriage was up to each government and was ultimately individual business. No.

Gay marriage is, no. Come on, Dalai Lama. It can be a business. This says he's support. He voices support. That doesn't sound like he supports gay marriage. That sounds like he's saying, yeah, kind of. It's up to you.

If the local government says you can't. Yeah. What he's saying, he's like, look, if they stone you, they stone you. I think you got to let them do whatever the fuck they want. Who cares? That's insane. Man, Dalai Lama.

This is a gay marriage, by the way. You and I? What? This is a legal gay marriage. Yeah. We've been performing together for how many years now. This has got to be under California state law. We don't have that.

We rent this place together. I know, but I looked it up. They don't have it. You worried about it? I don't want to marry you. Too late. I don't be legally fucking bonded to you. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

Oh, there's going to be two versions. You do the American version. We do Asian versions when they come with us. Gum, gum, gum, gum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Juicy is back in the studio with us. Thank God, because man, did we miss you. What?

Where have you been? You know, after that tour we've been doing. Yeah, we've been on tour. We've been on tour so much, so heavy. How much fun have we had on tour? Oh, I love it. It's been incredible. I love it so much.

Been incredible. Yeah. Can't wait to do more. Yeah, I can't wait. And can I just say one more gripe I have? Give me the gripes. I'll give you one more gripe, right? I was driving down the street almost on accident,

because I looked at a billboard, right? They did another Peter Pan. What are you talking about? I can't watch another Peter Pan. There's a new one. And you know, the two things that whites do? Peter Pan, every year, and they make a Robin Hood. I don't like any white people dressed in green.

First of all, that's my ancestry. That's my history. Leprechauns can do it. Thank you. Right, but. What's wrong with Peter Pan and Wendy? Every year, they make a movie about Peter Pan or Robin Hood, man.

What's wrong? Why? What's wrong with this Peter Pan? Why don't you like it? Because I know the story. Look at that. That's literally our show. That's you on the left.

Yeah. That's juicy as Peter Pan. So would you be Peter Pan? I'm hook for sure. I'm the. You're Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell. Yeah, you are.

I've got to be Tinkerbell. Is Tinkerbell in this? Is that Tinkerbell? I don't know. The black chick on the right. There's never been a fat Asian guy's Tinkerbell, by the way. Can you imagine? Yeah.

He'd have to take so many breaks flying around. He wouldn't be able to fly. He'd just be walking around with his wings. A flightless Tinkerbell? Yeah, flightless. Yeah, that's the black girl. Wait, who is it? That's what's her name?

I know her, right? She's. Yara Shahidi. Yeah, Yara Shahidi. No, she's famous. She's really good. She's super talented. So she's Tinkerbell.

Who's Pan? Who's playing Pan, my dog? Who we got on Pan? Probably a black guy. Oh, Gaffigan is in this. That's right. I heard that. Peter Pan is a kid named Alexander Maloney.

Oh, so they went a different way. What do you mean? Zoom in. See, they went a different way. I got to be honest with you. Yeah. OK, you look at that picture of that gentleman. Yeah.

That looks like Tinkerbell to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That totally looks like Tinkerbell. What? That looks like Tinkerbell. Why couldn't that be? By the way, why couldn't Tinkerbell be a guy? Why not?

That's true. Yeah, if we're fighting all this equal right shit, then how come Tinkerbell can't be a guy? Thank you. A fat Asian guy. Oh, so who's playing Rufio? Oh, a different movie, dude. Totally different.

That's a completely different world. You're involving two completely different story lines in a thing that. What am I, is that Peter Pan? No, it is. But that's a sub. That's like under the umbrella of the Pan universe. Just like Hook is under the umbrella of the Pan universe.

Peter Pan is the star of this. OK. Rufio exists. Hook exists. But in this one, the stars are, you know, Jude Law is playing Captain Hook in this. Uh-huh. Perfect.

Perfect. Gaffigan's playing Shmee, which is amazing. Amazing. No Rufio, because I don't think maybe they don't show Rufio some love. OK. You know the Rufio. Rufio.

Rufi. You know that guy, that actor. I love him. What's his name? What kind of thing is he? His name is, they're the, they're brothers. Because I used to audition against them all the fucking time. Dante.

Dante Bosco. Dante Bosco. Dante Bosco. Yeah. Dante and his brothers, I used to see them at commercial auditions in the 90s. He's the man. Yeah.

This dude, he can rap, break dance. He can do everything. He can do everything, dude. This guy, look at him. Sing, he's pretty. Yeah. He's got it all. Half mustache.

Half stash. Yeah. You can't grow a real, real beard, though. I know, but he can't even grow a full mustache. Look at that. Get peppered in. OK. They paint it in.

There's that one. Oh yeah, that's right. OK, so if this studio, if Bad Friends became, for real, let's be honest, if Bad Friends became Peter Pan, if they do the rendition next year, you're complaining. But if they offered it to us, we would all do it, right? OK, well, Pete would play The Boat. Well, you could float, right?

What's the name of this? Who would be the boat out of us? The crew. All right. Pete's the boat. Pete's the boat. First of all, Pete would be Shmi. He'd be Shmi.

OK. I want to be Hook. Right. Peter Pan has got to be Juice. That's got to be Peter Pan. Even though he's a redhead, clearly a role. Yeah. And Carlos is going to be, who?

Wendy Darling? Or no, he's Mr. Darling. He's Mr. Darling. Look at him there. Wasn't Mr. Darling bald in the original? But also, can't we just like, he could be this guy, right? Aren't there a bunch of pirates on the boat? So many pirates.

He could be pirate number 14. Let's hear your pirate. I want to be a pirate. Let's hear your pirate. Yeah. Armady. Oh, no. Pirate, you never get the job.

By the way, I thought you got to fucking try. Not only did you not commit, you didn't even try. Armady. Armady. Armady. Is that how you would do it? We're serious about this, dude. We're pitching Peter Pan, bad friends.

I feel like pirate number 14 doesn't really talk. And that's why. We're producing the movie. We're going to give you a lying fuck face. No, not anymore. Not with that attitude. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think that's a line.

That's just a noise. All right, how about this? You can be caught chief. You'll be caught chief. Thank you. Who's caught chief? What do you mean? Who's caught chief?

Or Slythe? I don't know much about it. I think that's from Lion King. Yeah, dude. No, dude. That's Peter Pan, my dog. Caught chief. Look.

He's like a native, he's one of the native characters. You should watch the movie again, like I do every year when the wife's where you make it. But you're Robin Hood fan too? Look, I liked Robin Hood, but steal from the rich to give to the poor. It's like the poor have enough, you know what I mean? Right, poorage.

It's so delicious. No, no, keep the rich rich is my whole thing. I want Robin Hood where he robs from the poor and gives it to the rich. Yeah. I want Robin. I want the real Robin Hood, robbing the hood. Rob from the poor, give to the rich.

Give to the rich. That's what I always say. That's me too. Give to the rich. Yeah, it's easier to rob the poor as well. Way easier. Way easier. You have their up security, you know what I mean?

You know what I mean? They don't have much, so it's like, yeah. Let's do a real Robin Hood. Yeah, yeah. And then who we give it to? Elon Musk? You got to give to someone that's struggling, you know? Someone like Gates or somebody like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Gates or. Someone that needs it. Yeah. I read a thing today that's a very, it was obviously from a conservative post, and it said, Bill Gates's private jet in one flight causes more carbon emissions than your entire lifetime of the vehicle that you own, the car that you own.

Wow. Look that up. Bill Gates says flying on a private jet doesn't make him part of the problem because he invests billions into fighting climate change. Oh, I have black friends. That's what that is. Yeah, that's what that is.

But I have black friends. Yeah. All that means to me, all this really says to me is, get rid of your car. Let's all have a jet. Yeah. You think with Bill Gates dies, and I died at the same time, that we would be waiting in the same line at the pearly Gates?

Or is he treated differently? You think you're going to the Gates? Well, I'm just assuming. Bill Gates goes to the Gates. I know. I don't go to the Gates. He's named after the Gates. Do I get stuck around?

You probably had no someone that will sneak you in. Totally one of them. You for sure. For sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. I know people. Where am I, though, in line? This.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bob. Bob. Yeah. And you go, and I'd be like, I don't think I know him. I don't, yeah. I'll be like, hey. What about would you let Jetsky in?

I'd already been. I'd be like, these guys are good. Oh, thank you. And that's really confident of you. Yeah, yeah. I would probably let maybe her in, yeah. I would let. Who evil would you let in?

If you could sneak people into the pearly Gates, who would be someone that shouldn't get in, that they're in the purgatory line? Oh, god. I mean, because I want to make movies out there. Oh, you do want to make in the afterlife. I mean, yeah, that's, I mean, I think I'm going to try my hand at directing in heaven.

So who are you sneaking in? I know. Space dog. We've got to act the producer. You got, yeah, that's true. Harvey Harvey, I want to see. Yeah, man. And there's a comedy element, Bill Cosby.

Rowan Polansky, would you let him in? Oh, yeah, he'll direct, he'll series. He'll serialize. I promise he can get the second movie. Yeah, but just only for creative, to be creative. Juice, who would you let in? If you could sneak in some people that you know don't deserve to be in, but you'd let someone in,

who would you have to sneak in? Who would you be OK with being like, look, you got to let him in? It's like Michael Jackson, you're like, he doesn't. Come on, man. Is Stephen Hawking still alive? Nope. No, he's dead, right?

Did he die? Yeah, he's dead. I'd let him in. You would. He's already in. Why would he not be in? Why would Stephen Hawking not be in? I don't know, man.

Why, because he's twisted? Well, because I don't think it's wheelchair accessible. Yeah, I don't think it's wheelchair accessible. Yeah, it's a stairway to heaven. It's a stairway. Oh, just like a song of soap. Yeah, it's a stairway to heaven. It is.

Oh, before we get too far off, I have an announcement to make. Oh, shit. I got a text message. From who? From the big queue at the comedy store from Quincy. They finally got those pictures. I know, I've been getting texts from doorman all day. Well, I didn't get any texts from anybody by Quincy.

I told them to thank you guys. No, they all came up to me and went, thank you so much. They were so great. Finally, the show that we did for charity finally got paid to the door people, the men and women of the comedy store. I did not get any texts other than from queue, but thank you to Quincy.

I'm going today after this podcast. I just haven't been to the store since. I actually haven't been since I left for Australia. So I haven't been in what? Months. Three months? Yeah, four months. So I haven't gone back.

But I did hear that they got paid. So thank you for the comedy store for being our home club, our palace, and giving back to the people that we wanted to give back to. Because that's what Bad Friends does, we give back. Isn't that true? We do, we do. We do, we do, we give back.

So thank you. And I hope everyone uses it for something that they need. You didn't get any. I'm going to. Oh, you're going to get a check. You guys told me to. She was still a door person when we did that whole deal. So I am a door person.

Give it to somebody else. All right. No, no, no, let her have it. I don't want you to have it. She just got a new apartment. Yeah, you're right. Give us an update on a new apartment, by the way. Oh, I love it.

But they're evicting my neighbor. Is that why you love it? Well, I'm going to love it even more soon. But she does weird things, plays her music really loud at night. And she's getting evicted because I think she stole some packages from neighbors. What are you, my dad?

I'm not evicting her. Slow down, snitch, plays music at night, like someone that's cool and steals like a cool person. What do you not? What do you don't like about this person? I'm just relaying the message. Is it electric guitar or just acoustic guitar?

It's just speakers loud. Oh, the speaker. Oh, she's not playing it herself. Well, she says it's like religious music. But I'm like, who's got to pray that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh. It don't sound like that. It's like. Oh, that is religious. Yeah, I think that's Coptic Christian. I think it's a new. I think that's a whole new thing that they do listen to like EDM now.

Yeah. It's you see when went to church a couple of months ago because I met that girl. I met a girl and she's Christian. I went to church. Do you know that? You told me, but I don't think you really went. You actually I literally went.

I wore a suit and everything. What church did you go to? It's called. I don't want to see. I don't want to because I'm about to rip on them. OK. Well, can we beep it? Yeah, it's called church or something like that.

Oh, dude, this is one of those New Age weirdo churches. Yeah. But here, their music, Christian music used to be kind of bad. When? Oh, throughout history. When was it bad? You'd love it.

Bathe in the blood of Jesus. I love that stuff. Oh, you do? I love that stuff. OK. Well, you know, they're doing now like a lumineers kind of sound like, you know what I mean? We have the guitars out and like, hey, you know what I mean?

And I'm like, I want to go hacky. Yeah, break something new, you know what I mean? Like, I know what you're doing. You're trying to hip it up for the youth, right? But it's like lumineers, bro. What's wrong with hippin' it up for the kids? Create your own shit, bro. OK.

Yeah, I mean, be original. Here's the, I have the vent. Dr. Dogg is playing my church this weekend. There's a couple of good bands that are coming through my church this weekend. Yeah. I mean, what's wrong with that? Here's why I'm not a Christian, OK?

Can I tell you why? OK, this is the only reason why. Because it's like, God can't go to Tom York and go, hey, write me a song, right? Why can't God go to the best singer-songwriter, right? But he doesn't. He always goes to, like, Creed. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm crossing the line. Scott Stapp is the best songwriter ever. OK, all right, to each his own. What did you want him to, who did you want him to go to? Tom York, by the way. Go to Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Go to Carino and, like, write us a song. OK, I get that. Maybe I'll like it.

Carino would be a banger about God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who do you think would make the best, genuinely, the best rock song about God stuff? Like, who could not just sing a good band, but like, who in their repertoire would make a song that would line up with, like, God shit? Well, if I was the producer, I'd say, you know,

make it about God, but don't say God. Allude to it, so that everyone can like it. Well, like that, like that song, you know what? Like that song, Take Me to Church by Hozier. Yeah, yeah. That's a great song. That's God shit. But that's a great song.

Yeah, that's a great song. Take me to church. I know that song. I have it. I'm saying it. Take me to church. Saturday night. Begin to buy.

I don't hear the heat. I hold her now. Go ahead. Done it. Yeah. Something like that, right? That's it. Yeah.

Take me to church. You know the lyrics go. I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your life. I'll show you my sins if you can sharpen your knife. Offer me that breakfast bread. Yeah, that's good. Take me to church. I love that song.

I love it. That's a dismantling of Catholicism. That song is so powerful. That's what he's saying. I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lives. Shrine of your lives. I'll tell you my sins. You can sharpen your knife.

Offer me that deathless death. Good God, let me give you my life. It's a great poking the bear of the church. That's one of my favorite songs. It's a good song. I have it. Oh, so this is one of those things that your parents could listen to and be like, what a song.

They have no idea what he's saying. I love it. He's singing about God. Take me to church. He's saying, someone wants to take him to church. By the way, my dad made this mistake. I'll never forget. Remember, because I got high.

Remember that song? Because I got high. Because I got high. Who sung that? I was going to go to work, but then I got high. Afro man. Afro man. My dad, I'll never forget.

Who shunned me for smoking pot, most of my youth. One day was like, have you heard that song by Afro man? Because I got high. And I was like, yeah, how have you heard it? He's like, well, listen to the lyrics. He tells you exactly why his life went downhill, because he got high. I was like, no, dad, this is promotional of marijuana.

He's like, no, it's not. Bring up the lyrics. Because he says, I was going to go to work, then I got high. I was going to do this, but then I got high. He's like, see, it's a downward spiral of failure. I was going to clean. You're dead analyzing. Well, he goes, I was going to clean my room, then I got high.

See? My room is messed up, and I know why. Really? Yeah. My father thought this was like him trying to say, hey, man, don't smoke pot. You won't get anything done. Right.

I was like, no, dad, this is him saying, I was going to do this stuff, my homework, but I don't feel like it, because I want to get stoned. He's like, you're wrong. I'm like, well, however you interpret it. That's how you learn. Music is going to mean something to other people, and it doesn't matter, because the writer doesn't have control

over how people go. That's why I like it. It's like, remember when Bruce Springsteen admitted that? He was like, I never worked in a fucking factory. Do you see that on the documentary? Springsteen did a documentary, and he was like. But his dad did. Yeah, but he was like, I didn't.

And he witnessed his dad do it. Yeah, he saw humans live these lives, but he's like, I didn't fucking, I lived a middle class life. Yeah. I didn't work in a coal mine. But he witnessed it. It's around his world, but it wasn't his exact,

it wasn't his experience. I couldn't sing about it, because I don't know where a coal mine is in San Diego. There's two of them. Yeah, La Jolla has one of the biggest ones. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, really?

We're going to be there. When we play San Diego, we've got to go to the coal mine. I've got to visit it, yeah. You've got to go. We should go together. Yeah, when we were in middle school, we would go to dance. And they would always play white lines, but we had no idea what it was.

Mmm. White lines. And you're like, you know, 13. Yeah, you think it's like about the football field. Do you know that song? You don't know white lines? I must have heard it, but. Well, it's an older song, but it's all about doing cocaine.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Hey! Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Hey! Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Yeah. You never heard of it? No.

What? That's insane. We're old. You forget we're old. I know what Moonlight Sonata is. That was thousands of years before I was fucking born. Do you think she knows what that is? I do. You know what Moonlight Sonata is?

Yeah, but I went to school for music. Oh, well, you don't know white lines. I'm a little upset. Yeah, a little upset. We didn't learn that in trumpet class. I bet there's a trumpet version. By the way, right now, you're learning white lines to play on stage on tour. What?

What? I got to practice on the bus. It's actually perfect because it done done. In school, what do they play? Like I did the dance. I can remember Rock Lobster too. Oh, I love Rock Lobster. And then there was that thing where like, you know, you go down like the whole, right?

And like, I saw the music video didn't do that in the music video. We did. That's the same thing as like. We had no internet back then. So how did the San Diego Middle School contact fucking Chicago? Chicago. This is the beauty of before internet. Things got her.

How did sweet Caroline? Dun dun dun. That's not in the song. People say. What? Ba ba ba. Everyone sings that. But it's not in the song.

What? Yeah, there is. Nobody says ba ba ba in the song. I know, but that's a horror. I know, but people say it. Ba ba ba. As if it's a part of the song, but it's really not. But it's the only way you would explain it to somebody that doesn't know it, right?

You don't have a fucking horn with you. Yeah, but you could just go. You pull out my trumpet. You know, there's a ba ba. I know she has one. Well, that's what she is. It's a trumpet tear. But I think you're losing your mind.

No, but everyone else would go. Sweet Caroline. No. Good times never. No, no, no, no, no. That's crazy. No, no, no, no. If you were going to explain it to somebody, you would do the ba ba ba.

There's no way they would do that. You know the song. Sweet Caroline. Good times never. Good times never. No, there's no way. So good. So good.

So good. That's not it either. And everybody yells so good. That's what I'm trying to say. I see. We all add in our jazz. Right. We added in our jazz.

So, you know, it was like Marilyn Manson. When we went down and up, that was just a kinetic thing that we all knew. We did it. Okay. It was like Marilyn Manson. It's the rumor that got around with the internet that he removed a rib and could blow himself. Remember that? Yeah.

How did that get around before the internet? Right. It's just the, that was the magic of word of mouth before Twitter, before all the bullshit dated us with nonsense. You would just hear something wild and cool. And it got around. Urban legends. Cultural urban legends.

I love urban legends. Well, they're gone now. I know. No, they're not. It doesn't exist. There's no. What's an urban legend now? Seriously.

What's something that you've heard recently? No, because you could verify it. You mean the internet? Yeah. Yeah. You used to be able to tell big fish stories. Oh man. One time.

Doesn't exist. Yeah, Charlie. Yeah. Well, one time. One time there was a guy who went to my high school. Mark Bloman. Mark Bloman. I've never heard of that last name, but.

Mark Bloman. Yeah. He was incredible. This guy. He did four backflips on a BMX bike off of a mini ramp. Really? Yep. Oh my God.

Landed it perfectly. And both tires popped at the exact same time. And he stayed on? Stayed on. Wow. Yeah. He sells insurance right now. Riverside.

You used to be able to- Not in X games? No, he's not in X games. Oh, okay. No. He's got an X. Y. I think he's a fish.

Yeah. Maybe big fish tails. Yeah. They'll never exist again. Because someone will go, Google Mark Bloman. Hello, what is Hello Fresh. People ask. I'll tell you what.

With Hello Fresh, you get farm fresh pre-portion ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking easy, fun and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kid. It is America's number one meal kid. I hate going to the grocery store. I'm not good at it.

I don't know what to get with Hello Fresh. It gets delivered to my door. I don't even have to think about it. And guess what? This May, Hello Fresh is celebrating Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month. Yeah, I love it. So I live at a time authentic recipes created

in partnership with Chef Sherby Shani. I'm sorry. Oh, that's my cousin. Shani of New York City's Tagmul restaurant and enjoy cultural taste right in your own kitchen. Also, if you're not a pro, Hello Fresh's foolproof recipes arrive pre-portioned and easy to prepare in just a few steps.

I love it so much. You save so much money because you get really good food, right, delivered to your door. And it's like, you know, it's restaurant quality. So you get that in your house. And your house becomes the restaurant. And by the way, don't order takeout and spend all that money on takeout.

Cook it yourself. Be that sexy little chef that you always wanted to be. Hello Fresh takes, they care about quality. That's why their seasonal ingredients are picked at peak ripeness and travel from the farm. Write your home in less than seven days. That's so good. Go to HelloFresh.com, size Bad Friends 16,

and use code BADFRIEND16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping. That's right, go to HelloFresh.com slash BADFRIEND16 and use code BADFRIEND16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping. Hello Fresh America's number one meal kit. Morgan and Morgan. A couple of months ago, I was in a car accident. Yeah, you were. I wasn't injured, right?

But if I did, I would go to Morgan and Morgan. That's right. They are the best, man. I got to tell you something. Sometimes we get in car accidents, fender benders, bumper bumpers, bumper rumpers, and we don't know what to do. And you don't know how you get what you're entitled to.

You think about, should I sue? Am I in pain? Because I got to tell you, only a couple of years ago in 2020, there was over 5 million car crashes. It's more than 15,000 a day, 600 an hour. So like many of us who have been in one, myself, Bobby, you don't know where to turn. You got to turn to someone like Morgan and Morgan.

And some people have questions like, oh, did you know that you are not suing the person who hit you rather their insurance company? Did you know that you don't need a lot of money to hire a lawyer? All these things, you know what I mean? People think they need money, but they don't. If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan and Morgan.

Morgan and Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. They have over 100 offices nationwide, and more than 800 lawyers. They're over $15 billion recovered for clients. Morgan and Morgan has proven track record of fighting to get you full and fair compensation. Submitting an injury claim with Morgan and Morgan is so easy, it's more like using an app

than hiring a lawyer. That's right. If you're ever injured in an accident, you can check out Morgan and Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. For more information, go to forthepeople.com slash badfriends or dial poundlaw. That's pound five to nine from your cell phone.

That's forthepeople.com slash badfriends or poundlaw. Pound five to nine from your cell. That's for F-O-R, thepeople.com slash badfriends or poundlaw. Pound five to nine from yourself is a paid advertisement. What would they play at your school if you went to a dance? Like in middle school or whatever? Like, um,

Macarena. Country grammar. Like the sweat to the balls. That's all right. It was all hip hop. It was? Hell yeah. Dude, she's in the age range

where that became the standard. You still had rock that existed. Rock? We had no black people in my school. Well, that, yeah. Oh, maybe that was it. You know, they're gonna play fucking Earth, Wind and Fire.

What? I think that was fun. We didn't have our Earth, Wind and Fire either. I think that's on your school's Wikipedia. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No black people, right on the Wikipedia. There was like three. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's like, they're not gonna like, you know what I mean, cater the whole fucking dance for three guys. Okay. What's so fucking funny? Because you're saying only black people like rap. No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just, you're right, you're right, you're right.

It sounds weird. Let me defend. Let me defend. You're right. But my brother, right, you know, my brother hip is a rapper. I know. You know that, right?

Yes. So I remember when I graduated that his generation just started listening to hip hop. And then they told me to go by, you know, low in theory, go by, you know, and that's how I learned about it. You know what I mean? What was the first hip hop song you heard

that made you as someone that didn't really love rap go? Oh, I think I could get into this. It was three feet high and rising. It's De La Sol. De La Sol. One of the, so good. Because it was catchy, right? And yet I could understand also, you know,

what they were talking about. And I just loved it. It just felt so good. What was that for you? Missy Elliott. Oh. Yeah, yeah. She was my favorite.

Yeah. Oh. My window, I can't stand it. Who's got the keys to the keys? That's an Ann Peebles song, by the way, for those, for the older generation. So that's what they did. Oh yeah.

Hip hop. Hip hop, that's what, I mean, that was me too. But I mean, we had rock and hip hop. What I didn't like is when we used rock at school dances from like my dad's generation, there'd be like corny shit that would sneak in there. Because the teachers wanted to hear shit. Oh, why?

Like what? Like they would like Abba, like shit like that, really like the fuck out of fucking Abba, shut up. I like Abba. Dancing queen. Dancing queen. What? Dancing queen.

Dancing queen rocks. No, it's not. You can imagine dancing with dolphins. Dancing queen. You know, she's wearing a dress with dolphins. Let me remind you. Yeah. We have a hate group here at Bad Friends for Dolphins.

I want to remind you. Oh yeah, that's right. Bad Friends Hate Dolphins. Yeah, yeah. This is your dancing queen? Dancing queen. I love it. I imagine you didn't get a lot of dances, did you?

I never went. Yeah. Did you go to prom and homecoming and everything? Yeah. Wait, you really never went to a dance? I did. I went to homecoming. I was going to say we should throw a dance for Bobby.

Oh, we should. That would be fun, right? We should do homecoming. You know, comics should do a homecoming dance. We should. I'm being real. I would love to. Like an old school one where people

had to dress like in the 80s or whatever. Well, we do the reunion at the comedy store, and that's kind of a thing, you know? What reunion? Or the Christmas party. The Christmas party, I mean. That's not a reunion. Well, that is like a reunion.

It's like everyone comes back in a town and goes to the store. I don't like those parties, you know why? Because you're always a group of people you don't want to see. You don't want to see? No, you don't either. I've seen you do it. No, no, no. No, no, no.

I've seen you do it, but don't lie. Don't fucking lie. I've seen you do it. My problem is. That's not it. If I tell the truth, you will get in a fight. Just admit that I know what you do. I've been watching you, right?

I do the same thing. So that's it. There's a couple of people that nobody wants to see. I know you'll walk into the club, right? You'll see four people together, and you go around. Yeah, OK, fine. Or if I admit that. OK, fine.

OK, but I still like to go. No, you don't. No, yes, I do. Yes, I do. I do go to all of them. You know I go. I go. I go.

Wait, have you seen me or him more? I've only worked there a year and a half. Yeah, she's brand new. I've seen Bobby more, though. You've seen him more only because he stays longer than I do. Yes. I leave. You look at the crowd.

I leave. And you leave. I pay my dues. I say hello. I kiss the ring. I wish I could name names, but I can't. It'll hurt people's feelings. Sometimes you have to leave.

Yeah, you have to leave. Sometimes you have to leave. Because the worst are, oh, God, I feel so bad even saying it. I'm not going to say it. We can cut it out. Really? Well, Pete's right there. The worst is, you know, and I'm a huge fan of comedy.

Generations before me, right? And when? I know when the old comics are in the parking lot, they stay by one little location. Yeah, yeah. And they wait for everybody. And it's like, how do you get into the building? There they are.

You've got to go through them. Right. You have to go through them. That's like the troll at the bridge that's like, Phi Phi, folks, you must answer questions three to get through me and comedy history. But here's what I don't like. This is what I don't like.

I don't like the younger generation, like your generation of doorman that don't know who they are. I always knew who they are. Well, but they couldn't. That was 20, 30 years before them. You do research. No. You think I know who Mort Saul is?

Well, yeah, yes, you do know who Mort Saul is. Do you know who Mort Saul is? These are those legends you were talking about earlier. Yeah. No, he wasn't there. I'm just saying it's like. No, but Mort is a part of that generation. But I just kind of knew, you know what I mean,

who came before me. And I just don't see a lot of that happening. They don't give a shit. They're looking for now, not the past. Right. Good for them. Fuck them. You know what?

We got to. Like Kippadada. You know who that is? You don't know Kip? Oh, wow. That's awesome. Yeah. Well, you adapt or die, basically.

But how would we know someone we don't know? What's that? How would we know someone we don't know? What he's saying is, if you were on TV and stuff, back in the day. When we were coming up, you kind of had to know those before. You, it was like a part of the system.

But that's not how it is now. It doesn't fucking matter. Even when I was your age, this is also what I did. I go, what I would go, what does Dave Becky look like? Yeah, I remember. Right. Or managers. And go say hi.

I would either go say hi, or if I knew they were in the room, I would try to do a good set. Yeah. Right. So it's like, I was just kind of privy to who was in the business, beyond the scenes, who had power, Pat Buckles. I knew how what people look like.

Yeah, you had to. Yeah, but your generation, because of the internet, you don't have that. They're just tick-tucking their way through town, baby. Yeah. It's interesting. And that's fine. That's fine.

We're the old bones, dude. We're the old bones in the back of the fridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm the new blood. New blood, dude. Oh my god, I'm going to fight in the tour. Just the way you just said that. You really bothered me.

You've created a monster. Honestly, this is all your fault, truly. I know. You did this. I'm supportive, but you really do. You're feeding this little beast, this little tiny. I cannot wait. I cannot wait to see how worse she gets on the tour.

She's already had demands. So far on the tour, for people that want to know what's really been going on, she makes the bus pull over, because she needs smoke breaks. And she smokes. And I can hear her mumbling on the side of the bus. She's like, fucking Bobby, a piece of shit. I can't hear it.

Stupid fucking bad jokes. Oh, Santino, cool outfit. You fat loser. And she'll be saying this stuff while she's smoking. I hear her on the side of the bus. I want you to hear it. Every other hour, we do a nature walk. Why do we have to do that?

Why is that? I don't want to go on a long nature walk on the side of the highway. You're going to do it. You're going to like it. It's really forcing her agenda, man. We do. She can't even do it for real, do you see that?

Yeah, she's so nice that she can't even. She doesn't have it in her. You don't have an immune bone in your body, I don't think. I would love to just become a megalomaniac and go crazy. Really? I don't think you would feel guilty, I think. I think I'd feel too guilty. But it'd be kind of funny.

Him and I can do it. For like a day. I mean, can. We have. Do. We go, here we are. Now, I think the meanest thing that we've done so far on the tour is sometimes when Bobby gets frustrated with Carlos,

he'll make him run alongside the bus. And I don't think that's nice. But I'm in good shape right now. I got to tell you, you've lost some great weight on the tour and you look really thin and tight. Thank you. And maybe perhaps that's working, Bob. I think maybe that's a workout plan.

I think he wants me thin and like also like you're trying to shape me into like a sculpted young man or something like you want me to look good. You. Me? What the fuck are you talking about? But you keep trying to get me to run outside the bus and sometimes I want to.

Because I don't want to be around you. That's so rude. Can I just say another thing? All right, what? I don't want to. No, it's OK. What? You'll get upset.

Try. A couple of girls told me that you smell. They did not say that. Is this seriously? Are you being serious? What happened? Wait, in what city did they say this? Wait a minute.

What happened? Just in general. You had a couple. You got tipped off? They said it. Somebody got tipped off. Is there any validity to this? I mean, I don't think I smell, Bobby.

What is this? I feel like you think if a piece of poo, a piece of poo goes, oh, I smell poo. No, he's used to the smell. All right, the poo is still used to the smell. No, this conspiracy theory. You're trying to knock me down. You're trying to plant this into the audience's mind right now.

No, this is a plant. This is very manipulative, but man, it's good. I'm not being manipulative. Let me say something right. When you look at the mirror, do you think you smell good just visually? Visually? See, I knew it was a visual thing.

You think visually you smell good? No, I think visually I smell bad. Exactly. Because you do. OK. OK. Stop being mean to the guy. I'm not being mean.

He showers daily. It doesn't matter. It does matter. It's inside. Oh, it's a core problem. It's a core problem, dude. I've never seen him look at it now. He's flustered.

I know. Look at him. I fucking fucked him up. That was pretty good. I just made it up. I made it up. I know you did. I know.

But why'd you get all flustered? Because I needed a way to battle it. Has a girl ever said something? Did this ring true to you because has a girl ever said something that touched close to this? No. That's why I was a little confused at first. Yeah.

Let me ask you something. If you're with a girl, let me ask you right, first date, and their breath smells weird, do you say anything? If you're on a first date with a guy and his breath smells bad, do you say something? Oh, I would not say anything, but it would bother me. I mean, I'm not on any dates with anybody, but I've got to tell you.

Back in the day. No, no, no. I would say just in present day. If I'm hanging out with somebody, just a friend or a homie or even let's make a comparable. Not a date, but a work person I barely know that we're doing business together, so that's a sensitive relationship.

And their breath smells, I'd slide them a couple of mints. You would? But you would have to eat some first, like you were going to eat some. Yeah, you always go, oh, man, do you want some mints? I just bought these. Right. You really just, hey, just eat this.

That's not weird. I don't eat any. Why is that weird? If somebody went, hey, here, have some mints, I would go, oh, my breath probably stinks. I don't know. I don't know. What's wrong with telling people that their breath smells?

It's humiliating. It's humiliating. You know what's more humiliating? Has my breath ever smelled? Be honest. No, actually, no. Yours either. No, I've never.

Because I would tell you. But I would tell you. But him, yes. That's insane. That is, I have some in my car. You know what we're going to buy now? That he's got this whole thing about you? Obviously, that's what this is.

This is a roundabout way of him saying he didn't like the way your breath smells. Is that true? That's true. That is. This is what he's trying to say. I'm not in on this, by the way. But we need to buy you Fisherman's Friends.

It's not bad. Look up Fisherman's Friends. Go ahead. These are the strongest breath mints on earth. I had one in Vancouver. Altoids are bullshit compared to these. Fisherman's Friends, by the way. Wait, Andrew, you suggested I buy these.

At the airport. Yeah. So did you smell my breath? Do you know why Carlos? No. Do you know why Carlos? No. Yes.

Fuck off, you serious? Fuck off. Do you know why Carlos? I'm not because we've talked about it. Are you serious? That's not true. He's trying to do the Fisherman's Friends to you in fucking Vancouver.

No, this is a fucking plan. I don't know who to believe. That is not true. You piece of shit. That is not true. Oh my god. Look at that fist. That's not true.

I would never do it. I was letting it go. I smell it. I'm letting it go. No. He actually fucking pulled it. First of all, this is not true. Two things are happening at the same time.

I did suggest Fisherman's Friends because you said, what are these? I said, you know what? They're bomb-ass breath mints. And I said, but those that you bought were what? Lashing it. Exactly. So your theory's wrong.

Basically what he said was, no. The thing that you bought isn't going to help you. You need the full on Fisherman that you did, dude. You need more of an asterisk. He's trying to sabotage me right now. You know the truth. You know I'm real, right? Carlos, look at me.

You know I'm telling the truth, right? Why would he bring that up? No, OK. You know why? I'll tell you why. Let's move on from it. It's only from Canada. No, they're from Canada.

They're in Australia as well. I had them when I was down there. But let me say this. Now that you have a gauge on people's breath, does her breath smell? No. Oh, it doesn't? No.

Never. Well, thank God. Yeah, but you're very tooth conscious. You brush. You floss. Your teeth are nice. I mean, I have a list. I had an extra.

Like I have literally a list of people that. Oh, stinky mouths? Stinky mouths, yeah. And I could never say it out loud. I know I want you to say it right now. We'll just blanket it all out because I want to hear it. If you meet someone and their breath smells, it should be OK to say, hey, I think you might need

to grab a mint or gum. And why can't that be something you say? You know what that is? Hey, you have something on your shirt. You have something on your face. Why is that? It's the same thing. Why is it so bad?

I thought it was normal. No, I don't think it is. It's not. It's a big faux pas. I think mouth is a thing. What's also the genitals, too. Oh, and somebody has stinky genitals. You can't say anything with that.

Depends on where you are. You can't take a fucking alt-word or that fisherman thing in the picture. I'm just going to put this fisherman thing. Yeah, you can't do that. No, you're good. I just put it. Here, let me pop.

By the way, it depends on how far along in the relationship that you are. Oh, that's true. But if you're with. Stranger first in a date, you can't say it. I've got to tell you, if I ever got single again, I would. OK. On a first date?

Yeah. Dude, you're at an age now at a certain point. There's no games anymore. You're like, your breath stinks and your dick stinks, too. Yeah, by the way, if my dick stunk, I'd want to know. You'd want to know. Yeah. I'd want someone to be like, you're kind of stank.

I'd be like, shit, OK, let me shower up. Let me clean up. Yeah. Let me get fit for you. But then the shower, you'd be like, fuck me. Yeah, for real. Can I tell you something? Much like your parent doing a thing to you

that embedded in your mind, you'd never have a stinky dick ever again, would you? You'd think about it all the time. And you'd hold it. You'd smell it before you get out. Let me ask you this. If you went on a date with a girl, you like her. It's like you connect.

She's funny, hot, everything. Love her. Right? Two or three dates in, she's back at your place. You guys are making out. And then she's like, wait a second. And she takes her leg off. Like a complete leg.

Her right or left leg? Is this like Deuce Bigelow? Yeah, Deuce Bigelow, yeah. Was that in that movie? Because I don't remember that movie. She takes a leg off. Yeah, yeah. What would you do?

You know, I'm fine. No, it's fine. I mean, it's just where are you going to put it? On the mental. Oh, above the fireplace? That's what I would do. I wouldn't mind you. Would you say anything, though?

Like, no, that's a loose leg. No, you have to say something. What are you going to say? You know, on your children's profile. You had two legs. Yeah. You got new legs. You got new legs.

Yeah, yeah. I think that wouldn't bother me. OK, OK. An arm would be a little bit alarming. OK. If somebody popped off an arm. You would know that in the date, though. No, you would not.

What if they have a long sleeve shirt on? How would you know? OK. You have no idea? Yeah. If you pop off an arm, I'd go, ooh, ah, that one would be a little bit more hindering for some reason. What's worse, eyeball or leg?

Eyeball. Eyeball. Eyeball, for sure. Is worse? Yeah, if someone pops out a fucking eyeball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, leg is not that bad. By the way, that opens up some more room for you.

That's true. That's not a problem at all. Yeah, but like, if you have one leg here, right, and you're trying to, oh. Yeah. Seeds. Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic supports healthy regularity, healthy motility,

and ease of evacuation. I got to tell you, everyone poops, right, Bob? You poop, I poop. Almost everybody on this show poops except for Pete. And that's OK. We've talked about it to him because he needs seed, all right? And I got to tell you, you want healthy movements,

you want to promote digestive health for healthy regularity and the ease of bloating, you want to reinforce healthy stool hydration and ease of evacuation. There's no good way to talk about this, but you want to be clean and feel healthy and all the way pushed through. Well, DS01 Daily Symbiotic has that for you. Seeds capsule, in capsule, via cap, safeguards viability

through digestion for delivery of an average of 100% of our probiotics starting dose to your colon. I got to tell you, I've been using some seed, and I feel good. I'm not joking. I drink it in the morning. I have my little coffee. And boy, oh boy, do I get moving.

Loves it. It is really good. Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic has four specific probiotic strains that have been shown to promote healthy skin and reinforce a healthy gut skin axis. I want that. I want clean, sparkly, shiny skin when we're on the road in front of our fans.

And I also want my gut to feel good and be empty and clean. Start a new healthy habit today. Visit seed.com.com.com and use code BADFRIENDS to redeem 25% off your first month of Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic. That's seed.com.com.com and use that code BADFRIENDS. Seed.com.com slash BADFRIENDS code is BADFRIENDS. If you had to lose a limb, what are you losing? What do you mean?

Well, if the universe was like, you're going to have to lose a limb right now to stay alive, we're going to take one from you. What are considered limbs? What? You're a four. Can I tell you something? You're a limb?

No. Why? It's an ear. It sticks out. It's an ear. I know. What's the definition of a limb on a human body? But it's just arms and legs.

Let me just see the definition real quick. The only exception is a bat's wing. An arm? Bird's wing. Arm and leg are a personal or a four-legged animal. So it's your arms and your legs. Those are your limbs. Which limb are you looking for?

Or a wing. Well, you don't have wings, buddy. OK. That's true. Sometimes I feel my tailbone in the shower, and I wish we still had a tail. That'd be cool. I think about how fun that would be.

I wouldn't. You don't want a tail? It's too telling. Of what? Like if you're happy, but what if you are trying to play cool? Oh, because your tail will go up with emotion. It'll be wagging and you'll be like, I'm not that excited right now. Because when you see a cat, like my cat, Bojo,

will stick his tail up and it'll start shaking. That's him saying hello. He stoked. He stoked. He can't wait to see you. Yeah. And then when it puffs out, they're like defensive and shocked and ready to fight.

That's true. It's just too much of a tell. It's too much of a tell. But you could you control your tail? Maybe humans could adapt and control it. What I would love is, you know, in kangaroos, they can lean on it. They bounce on it.

Whoa. You ever seen this? They use it as force. Kangaroos, when they go to kick, can lean on the weight of their tail and kick with their legs. That's how strong their fucking tail is. It's a muscle. Interesting.

Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah, that'd be really nice. If you wanted to sit back and have a snack somewhere. Yeah. Sorry, man, there's no seeds left. I'm good. Yeah. You lean back on your tail.

My friend told me kangaroos have five vaginas. Six. Six? No, I have no idea. Your friend is insane. Insane. I've never heard that before in my life. Do you know they have three vaginas.

Isn't that crazy? Wait, do you know kangaroos have three vaginas? What? Bobby's going to Australia. One for babies, one for sex, and one for pooping. I think that's like humans, isn't it? No, no, no. I only have one.

Interesting. The common connection for three vaginas, they have side vaginas. Sperm travels up these. Oh, so they're not openings. They're just. You can't hit it from the side. Can you or no?

Let me tell you, if she takes one of those legs off before you hook up, there you go, shake. OK. Middle vagina, the joey travels down. So the baby travels down the middle. When the side vaginas are sperm, that seems pretty logical. Is there pleasure?

For kangaroos. Any animal. They love it. Dolphins have sex for fun. One of the little animals that. OK, so there's pleasure. Some animals. That's cool.

I mean, the one I learned about that'll blow your mind is the female duck. And what is it? Not only do animals enjoy the deed, they also have orgasm. Some of them. Difficult to measure directly by watching facial expressions, body movement, muscle relaxation.

Scientists conclude that animals can reach pleasure. I'll tell you one that blows your mind. A duck vagina. Look up a duck vagina. This is one of the most complex things on planet Earth. Look at this. It's a corkscrew. And the reason that they have it like this

is to thwart off unwanted suitors. So a duck has an internal defense mechanism against other ducks' dicks that are trying to get in there trying to get it. So it's a corkscrew. So they can unwind the screw for someone that they want in there. Let me ask you something.

Does it kick the penis out of the vagina? Well, the duck penis has to adapt to it. Look at that. You can see. Zoom in. It is also corkscrewy. So it's like a key. If it doesn't fit in the key slot.

I still come. Just as long as I calm, I'm fine. Right? I mean. It's impressive nature. So that's the, yeah, right. That's a duck penis right there. Whoa.

Look at that thing. Whoa. It's a corkscrew. Whoa. You can open wine with it as well. I feel like Tony Hinchcliffe has a penis like that. For some reason. Corkscrew?

Yeah. That's interesting. A little corkscrew, my friend. Anyway, let's not talk about animal vaginas. All right. All right. How did we get from where we're, oh, with the leg, my left leg?

You're going to remove your left leg. Yes. I'm going left leg. So why left? That's interesting. Because that's my weakest leg. Right? My right leg is a stronger one.

I need both the arms to play video games and to do drive and other things. But imagine you're, look, I'm not taking a shot at you. You're not that good at video games. You're good, but you're not that good. But if you had no arms and you play with your feet, you could be, you know what I mean? Like that.

The special limits of that. All right. I get it. I get it. Wow. So that's the thing to think about. Yeah, I haven't thought about that. What would you lose?

Well, I'm thinking arm only because we might have the technology to make a really cool bionic arm. No, you're not allowed to do that. Why? That you can't do these asterisks. And what would you rather? You can't do the million dollar man thing. You're not allowed to do that.

I want to shoot lasers. You can. You can, kiddo. And we're going to get you some lasers. But you got, you can't, you can't do it with the hope that it's going to get fixed. This is a permanent fixture. You lose it.

It's gone. I still think arm because a fake leg, I could hobble up on stage, but I could still use my arms and stand it. I guess. Oh, wait. No, then it would be leg. It'd be leg.

Yeah, because you need, you need your hands. And I'd be really good at fucking. That is true. I mean, you can fake perform with a fake leg. Where jeans? What's wrong with the fake arm, though? People, many people have fake arms. On stage and you don't, because you know.

How would you know? What do you mean? They make arms that look, look up a good new age. You could tell. It's shiny. You can't tell these days, dude. They're so good. Look at that.

Look at that. Look at that. Let me look. That's incredible. A prosthetic arm. Yeah. That's the dude. First of all, this guy brings up

a severed arm from Halloween. Yeah, yeah. No, good prosthetic arm. Yeah, good. Because they're all like mechanical looking. They're not human looking. That's what I would want. A human one or a mechanical one.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But you know what you could get is a power glove. OK, let me get the second one. These are really good. The bodyguards with the fake arms. Yeah, the bodyguards with fake arms. Do you know about this? Yeah, I know that.

Dude, that looks fake, dad. No, it doesn't. Yeah. Who does that just all day long? Bodyguards. OK. That looks real to me. OK, there's the.

I can't even tell if it's fake. See? She doesn't know. She never knew about this. Juicy doesn't know about the fake arm bodyguard. Because he has a gun pointed right here. Whoa. Isn't that so tough?

That's awesome. And he's going to kill Melania in that photo. But they took it right before they stopped him. Thank God. Yeah. Thank God. Isn't that crazy? That is he's got a gun pointed out

at any moment could go. That's like the thing where you do those shirt things. That's right. Why can't you just have them out? I mean, that's sad. Then no one would shoot. I think, oh, that guy has a sniper. That guy has an AK-47.

It's optics. They don't want people to get freaked out by. This isn't Russia. You can't just march around with fucking guns at public events. Yeah, but no one would attempt it if you had guns out. A bazooka? Imagine that.

You're walking down the street with a bazooka. The president's here. Oh, hell, yes. We're going to shoot guns in Texas. Hell, yes. I won't do it. You are. You have to.

Why do I know? They asked for you specifically. Are you being real? Yes, they want. I'll be there then. OK, good. Yeah, yeah. They asked me for it specifically.

Holy shit. Best trick of all. Do you know who invented gunpowder? Yeah. Chinese. Chinese. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. Because if they had the inclination and they just went further like the white people did, because what the white people did was take the fucking gunpowder and go, no, we can make these weapons of war, this and that, that the Chinese didn't do it. OK. What do you mean, OK, what?

Don't blame the whites. Don't blame the whites. Who created guns? Who was the first gun fabricated off? I guarantee you, it was China. The first firearms can be traced back to 10th century China. Chinese, the first invent gunpowder. Historian typically credit the first guns as weapons

of the Chinese. OK, cut it out. Don't fucking put that on us. That's true. Yeah, you fucking asshole. How come they let people take over? I don't think whites invented any weapons, if you want to be honest.

Chinese with guns, Native Americans with bow and arrows and spears. Bazookas were Filipinos, believe it or not. No idea. White people, white people, you know what we invented? Torture, they have like torture mechanisms were probably the whites. That's Western European chaos.

By the way, I stand corrected. Who invented who invented the cannon? Because that's maybe the coolest fucking weapon of all time. They were like, could we throw a bowling ball out of this? The cannon was invented. Chinese, dude? No, the Turks.

The cannon, through the Chinese, eventually started using gunpowder weapon in 10th century. It's the Turks who get the credit for forming a gunpowder to high enough quality to be used effectively in combat. The cannon appeared in Europe beginning in 12th century, so it was the Turks. Wow, the Turks. God bless the Turks, dude.

That's amazing. Put a bowling ball on that thing, shoot it at a boat. Yeah. Imagine the moment they were shooting guns at boats, right? They were shooting. And it wasn't doing shit. It wasn't doing anything in the boat. So some guy was like, what if we have a big bullet?

That was just some guy's like, like a bowling ball. I was thinking ping pong. No, I want it like a bowling ball. No holes. Yeah, and then you'd have to light it, right? A wick. Yeah. Oh yeah, you know what's a bull weapon?

The catapult. Sick. Who's the first asshole go shoot me out of it? No, you know what it was. Because they did it right, evil, carnival, whatever those guys, no, you know how that originally started, one guy in the group that they hated. They were like, will you sit on this thing?

No, not the catapult. No, didn't they put, don't human beings go in cannons? Yeah, evil, carnival used to get shot out. That's what I'm saying. It's like, why? Because it looks awesome. Yeah. I mean, it looks awesome.

But imagine being in the tube. Freaking out. Freaking the fuck out. I mean, I think it's so rad that evil, carnival had the balls to just do that. Yeah. Get shot out of a cannon. Yeah.

I mean, that guy, why come we don't have daredevils anymore? Yeah. I mean, we have like Steve-o and that kind of thing. I know, but daredevils, those guys aren't going off the side of the Niagara Falls in a barrel. Yeah, but they're throwing those sorts of sort of crocodiles and stuff. Yeah, it's like, I don't know.

I want more like old timey stuff, where you like jump off a train, you know? Right. You know, like the bat, it blows up in dynamite, you jump off a train. No one does evil, carnival. Nobody on a motocross bike jumps, you know, 50 cars or whatever, like he used to.

Like in the old West, when they hide, they tied the lady to the train tracks. Yeah. Imagine that death. Yeah, train tracks. Oh my god, the fear. Imagine. OK.

Here you are in the old West. Juicy is tied to the train tracks. Help, help, help, it says on the screen, because you can't say that, because it's not a talky. You know? Help, help. Where am I? Where am I?

The Wild West, you're an Arizona. I know, but where? You're looking right at me. You're right next to me. You're 100 yards, a football field away. Do I have my switch? You got your switch. All right, so I'm playing games.

You're playing games. All right, so I'm on my switch playing games. And a steam engine. Boba, do you have a Boba? You've got to have a Boba. Because Boba makes me tired. And the steam engine is rolling down. I'm playing right.

And Juicy, help, help. And look, there she is. Yeah, but I have my earphones on. Oh, you can't hear. Yeah, I can't hear. And the train. Just that's it. You'd let her go.

No, I would help for like 10 seconds. But then once I realized I can't do it, I would run. You don't know how to untie a knot. I know. Yeah. You know what I would say, though? I'm sorry. That's nice.

Oh, that was nice. Wouldn't you say that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Farewell. Like, be very nice about it. There was a guy in college. There was a guy in my town in Tempe who had a cow pusher

on the front of his car. And I thought that was one of the funniest things. You know, on steam engine, they have those sloped thing on the front of a train. That's a cow. It's a cow mover or a cow pusher on a train. But he had one on his fucking SUV. That thing, cow catcher.

Wow. Because cows would just wander on the tracks. That thing is for. They just move cows out of the way. That does? That thing on the front of its fucking steam engine. That's what that's for, to just get cows off the train tracks. It would kill them, no?

No, it doesn't. It like shoves them aside. Oh, wow. The trains used to run over them all the time. So they had to invent this thing because the fuckers would wander around. So they would. But a guy in my neighborhood had like his makeshift

version on his SUV. Crazy. And now that I think about it, that guy was something was wrong. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was great in college. It was so sick. But he had one on his fucking Ford Explorer.

That's insane. That was kind of cool. I don't know why. I mean, he had mental health issues. Yeah. I've never even been next to a cow. You've never been next to a cow. I've driven down the freeway, like when you're going up

to like San Francisco or whatever and you see a couple of cows. And you go, look, cow. We need a milk of cow on the tour. I will not touch one. Why? I'm not good. You don't even know.

I don't even drink off good. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. Is it the same style? It's down instead of out. Oh, I see. Have you milked a cow? I think in school I did a long time ago.

What? Remember doing something? Oh, what do you mean? It was elementary school? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We did like a farm field trip. And you had a milk of cow.

Yeah, it's weird feeling. But you got to do it. I like it, dude. I think it's rad. I saw Pig gets laundered once. OK. Jesus. Live?

Yeah, it was terrible. Did you eat it? Yeah, so hungry. So hungry. You know, I'm not even lying. It's not even a joke. I know. So Mencia, back in the day, Carlos Mencia took me to Honduras.

And one morning he goes, hey, bro, we're going to slow the pig. Now I'm sleeping. No thank you. You got to do it, do its experience. They tie this thing from behind, you know what I mean? And then they, the neck, and it's doing this thing. And I just went back to sleep. I go, but that didn't make you stop eating pig.

I ate it like an hour later. It was very delicious, but. I thought about seeing animals and being like, man, I shouldn't eat meat. Me too. But it's hard. It's so hard not to. Do you think we can try to do it at some point together

as a team? Going vegan? Just veg. Vegan's tough. Fish. We'll do fish. That's pescatarian. OK.

That's how? No, we can do that. We can do fish. Yeah, that would be veg, not vegan. You can't do vegan because I want cheese and shit. We do cheese, eggs, yeah, yeah. And fish is a pescatarian. Yeah.

And steak at least once. Yeah, and then maybe a couple of times chicken if we're hungry for it. I just thought of some. And turkey is fine, probably, right? And it's sandwich form. Right, and ham sometimes, in certain. Why don't we just amputate certain parts

and keep the chicken alive? Like an organ donor. No, it's just a leg. We take a leg off. We eat that, but they're still alive. I guess that's probably, yeah. Take all the limbs off. And we put them a little, like, a rolly-poly thing

with wheels and stuff. And do you think they can live beyond that now or no? What do you mean? That's just, they're going to die then. No, they're not. How do they get any resources? We feed it. So they have to just sit there and get fat.

Yeah, they're like. That's not more inhumane to just stuff it. No, they're like Stephen Hawking kind of chicken, you know what I mean? So chicken and wheelchair. That's what we named the farm, Stephen Hawking's farm. Stephen Hawking's farm. And all the animals just have limbs missing, right?

And we're not killing them. We give them great lives, we give them massages. Why do they need to get massaged? Because they're so depressed that they we took their legs. Well, you know what we should do? Kill them. What are we doing?

Just kill them. No, they can still have a happy life. If you fed them, you put a fucking iPad in front of them, show them fucking, you know what I mean? Something, like, what? Something. I just in my mind imagine, like, giving a chicken an iPhone and it has a TikTok account in, like, a week.

And it's getting more streams than we are for some reason. Just an idea, guys. All right. No, no, I like it. Let's not kill it. Let's just amputate it. But let me ask you this. If you take one leg, who's eating the leg?

I am. I'm starving. OK, so he gets a leg. Right. You want a leg too? There's not one chicken. There's other chickens. Millions.

There's millions of chickens. We looked this up one time on the show. How many chickens are on her? There's millions of chickens, man. There's way too many. This is why I don't feel bad. 33 billion. Wow.

Are there supposed to be that many, or are we just breeding them to eat them? I don't know. But I got to tell you, that's the most popular bird in the world. The conditions that you live in is terrible. I mean, we've got to fucking do something now. What should we look at that?

That's fucking Auschwitz for animals, man. Oh, I can't eat chicken no more. It's fucking terrible. Think about it. It's fucking terrible, man. Yeah, but they might like it. No, they don't. They don't like it.

They don't like it. I promise you they don't like it. Have you talked to a chicken? I have. Oh, OK. Cluck, cluck. It's a cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck. They hate it.

It is bad. It's so bad. OK, let's move to something that's a little bit more happy. Yeah, a little bit more happy. Ben Affleck speaking Spanish sounds great. I got to tell you. Maybe.

That's going to turn me bright on. Would you learn a language for a girl? Phew. No. Ladies, no, no. I just wouldn't be able to do it. I can barely speak English. You know, I can't even pronounce certain words.

Would you learn a different language for a guy? If a guy was like, let's say you met like an El Salvadorian kid or something. And I fell in love? Well, I don't fucking know how deep you are in this thing. It's just getting started. Yeah, if I fell in love with somebody, I would learn their language.

Yeah, but I'm just saying, not love. You like them. This is going on for a couple of months now. And he's like, Jetki, I love. I enjoy time with you. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does he have Down syndrome too? I said he was El Salvadorian.

All right, my bad. I love my time with you. Will you be learning my language maybe while I learn English? Will you learn my language? I'm going to stop you right there. I can't understand anything you're saying. OK.

You know what I'm going to do? What? I'm going to learn your language. Wow, that's correct. See, she's willing to give. Yeah. She's willing to give. What about you?

You met, you're not married. Yeah. You met a beautiful woman. Oh, gorgeous, huh? Connected. Yeah. But she's from a tribe in Africa. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK. Would you learn the? Learn the clicks? Yeah, the clicks. You better believe it. You know what it is with me? You know what it is with if I was single and I was trying to fall for somebody?

Yeah. Depends on the language. Oh, I see. If it's a hot French girl, yeah, that's a sexy language. Sexy language, yeah. If it's German, probably not. Yeah. I'm probably going to stick to English

because of all the atrocities and crimes that they had towards humanity. I'm probably. Vietnamese. No, I can't. Yeah, I can't do it. I can't. Cannot.

I'm going to get in trouble. Oh my god. No, you won't. All right, really? No, but I think if it depends on the language. I think that's my point. It depends on the language. Yeah, that's true.

You know, like Portuguese. Portuguese, beautiful. I wish I could learn that. Let's learn that. I do that. It just depends. You know, like Canadian, I try. If I fell in love with a guy.

I can learn their language. Yeah, it's French or English. Canadians? Yeah. They have a whole different language up there. It was just dirty. You communicated with those people. Yeah.

I couldn't understand a word that they were saying. Really? Yeah, to go over there, buddy. I didn't understand a thing. Oh, I see, I see, I see. Not a thing. Yeah, yeah. I want to share you a text message that I got.

This is a little humble brag, but this made me feel good. OK. It was nice to get this. Hey, you probably don't remember this. But one time I was working with you, and I was poor as fuck at the time. I was wearing beat up shoes. And you looked at me and you said,

player needs a new pair of shoes. And a couple of days later, you came back and gave me a few pairs of circus skate shoes. Just wanted to say congrats on your success. Times are much better for me now. I wanted to say thank you so much. Stoked to see you're doing well. And then he sent a link to his band that he plays in.

But I thought that I was like, oh man, that's going to make me cry about it. But he remembered it. And I was like, and I didn't. I didn't remember it. But it wasn't because that's the thing I'm saying is like, it's not for you to remember. It's you did the cool thing.

They'll remember it. I remember Annie Ward. She may not remember me fucking that, know who I am. But she was nice for no reason. And was like, those guys suck. You're cool, man. Don't fucking. Can I tell you one last one then?

Jimmy Schubert. I moved here from LA and I have no place to live because a guy lied to me. So for two weeks, I slept in my fucking, I had a truck with no window in it. And they let me park in the parking lot at the comedy store. And we sleep in the front. And then one day, I get a knock on the side

that has the window because the other side. Anyway, with Jimmy Schubert, and I go, hey, what's up? And he goes, you hungry? I go, yeah. He goes, let me buy you some breakfast. And I will always remember that. Those little gestures of love and somebody being nice to you and kind to you.

And then I remember years later, I was doing New Years. And I go, no, Jimmy has to do New Years with it. Because I was kind of a name back then. I was mad TV and stuff like that. And me and Jimmy, headline, we split the money. And then I got him a nice hotel room, not at the condo, but at the colonial. And a nice one.

Yeah. And I set it up for him. He was with a girl. And it was a fun weekend. But you never forget things like that. So what we're saying is, now that you're on the rise, you're becoming a thing. I know where this is going.

Yeah. You better start doing nice shit for us. Yeah. For you guys? Yeah, yeah. This is what I'm going to do. What? I want you guys to have my bad friends money.

You got us. You got it. All right, I'm going to go to the store tonight and get it. OK, get it for us. All right, hey, that's enough of that. Thank you for being a bad friend. Woo, yeah, Woo, yeah, Woo, yeah, Woo, yeah. Woo!

Woo!