Bad Friends - Bad Friends Drinking Game

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

Thank you: http://shipstation.com code: badfriends & http://aveovision.com/badfriends & Beach Body on Demand text BADFRIENDS to 303030 Watch on YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Bad Friends is a comedy podcast with hosts Bobby Lee & Andrew Santino. More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership

It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob? Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? The game show is gonna be great Bro, what are you worried about? It's gonna be fucking awesome. I read the reviews already. It's so they're so good Yes, I did. Yeah, there's a bunch of reviews There's no reviews. Dude two variety set. It's the hottest new game show This side of the Mississippi. Yeah, they did that Because I've been googling it too. What have you what is it? What has it been saying? Nothing?

I mean what deadline put a fucking um a Photo up and it cropped me and Ian Carmel off the sides. Yeah, so it's just Keegan Serena Venus Williams and Rob Gronkowski. Yeah. Well, what are you gonna do? You know drinking now. I just I feel like I should have something just just in case if I'm in the mood I'm not gonna have one unless I feel it. Take a shot. No, I'm not gonna not unless I feel it You know, I'm a new I'm it's got it's gotta be five months sober. Go ahead. Tempt me. No, no

It's got to be doing. No, what do you mean five months sober now? Tempt me. You don't like drinking that much. Oh, I love I'm a drinker too. Do you not want me to do this in front of you? No, I love it I love living through you. This is a level of control that I know you have Come on man, you can do this. Yeah The bad friends drinking game Here's how you play Every time Bobby Lee says things is that the thing is is that because the thing is is that the thing is is that the thing Is is that the thing is is that the thing is is that your thing is is that have a drink?

Must be legal drinking age to play, but whatever dude, we're not the fucking cops. Okay So I have a hole in my tooth, let me see You want to see it? Yeah, I want to see your whole tooth. All right, come closer. I can't do that Well, then you're not gonna see it. Well, I'll just you can't see it from there. Where how far is it or which one is it? It's way back here. There's a black hole. Oh Yeah Black hole tooth in my mouth Yeah, and it's like, you know, one of those were

You're like, it's fine. It's fine. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. And at three in the morning you hear you wake up Vibrating vibrates and almost and and then spikes spike Spike and that you wake up and you go fuck and then oh, it's gone You're gonna make it you can make an appointment though now. My dentist said he's back next week. I said I'm coming in Just to say hi. No, no, no, I might um, I like I like the pain a little bit So I'm gonna wait a little bit. Yeah, you're sick. You're sick. Yeah, you're sick. Fuck you like pain like masturbate when I So when it gets me hard when it hurts the worst Yeah, I love it, but so the hole in my tooth and then um

There's a lot of fucking and then it's the Chinese lady got her face kicked in what Chinese lady got her face kicked in Do you ever see that video? Did it just come out? Can I play you a video that I posted on the Internet? First of all, let me talk about the Chinese lady. What who what's her name? Qingcheng fat fat. I don't know man. I love Qingcheng fat. Yeah, but Qingcheng fat fat These is two african african-american gentlemen. Oh, you can say what you were gonna say. What were you gonna say? Black eyes. Okay, there it is and they kick this Chinese lady in the face Is it on the news? Can you see it? No, it was on the Internet. Let me play this for you. Let me tell you This is this is this is this is a throwback. I post it again because

Um timing wise it's pretty great. But uh, who's this lady though? You know what? Maybe I too could be ninja I want to be ninja I want to be ninja I learned to chop your heart I fight with credit card I use my numb chops Even while feeding dops I throw my ninja star

Stop it, stop it, stop it Will you stop it? Look at this look at this Asian lady in the very front First of all, this is a this video came out a long time ago, but I saw it again in my I was deleting stuff Yeah, I want to let you let you know Let's just share the chorus again. Oh, no, please don't turn it's gonna be the worst I learn by ninja kicks while watching Netflix I try to everything like on the big screen And you guys, you know what? I might do it. I might be a ninja soon

I gonna be ninja This agent lady, how is she standing there through this? There's four minutes of this All right. First of all, if I was that agent lady I gonna be ninja Turn it off If I was that Asian lady I gonna chop chop chop down down to China town I gonna be ninja

It makes me so it makes me so angry It's the rudest shit I've ever heard in my life I was going through my folders on my old on my phone But because she doesn't realize how difficult It's so rude How difficult it is to be a ninja The levels are insane. She could never be ninja. Yeah, because there's different levels number one You have to be able to climb a tree. She can't climb a tree. There's no way. There's no chance right number one or two

You have to have this enough Breath stamina to fucking do the blowgun Yeah, it's you got to have that she doesn't have any of that She has to be able to throw a star hard enough to puncture skin. Yeah. Yeah, she can't do that She's got to be sneaky as fuck. She's not sneaky at all. Imagine her being a ninja. What's that white lady in the tree? What do you mean? Look That's a ninja I'm ninja. Yeah, yeah, ma'am please get down. Yeah, she You know, I won't give up. I gotta try my best. You can't expect no less

That chow has not a clue. It's too good to be true. I'm making progress No, stop stop stop stop stop stop. You know what this reminds me of. Do you know who this is by the way? Who's that? This is a girl that sells Murphy beds in Orange County That's that she did this as a promo to sell Murphy beds You know Murphy beds are? No. The beds that go in the wall the cabinet wall the cabinet beds, you know They pop out of the cabinets Have you ever seen that? Yeah, that's what she sell it. She's like a she opened a Murphy bed company This is like years ago. Yeah, but this is she put this out for promo. Let's see the course one more time

It's one of my favorite courses This is the most racist shit I've ever heard of my life and it makes me laugh so hard This poor Asian lady You know what's as hard as it being a ninja is being a Davy seal, right? Yeah, it's the hardest thing in the world It's imagining a Chinese dude. Yeah, or a woman. Yeah, I Want to be Navy seal You're me at a party. I don't think it's that offensive

A Navy seal. Yeah. Well, if it was a Chinese Ninja's a cultural thing, right, right So I think it's what the accent is what's offensive about it, too. It's very offensive. Yeah, it's really good You know, I'll be honest with you I had a girlfriend once her name was Sarah and she lived in Louisville. I know she is You do you I know her to come back. Yeah, she was right or she was. Yeah, she still does it and I Stayed at she want to be ninja. No, she I stayed at her parents house and she goes

So, um, we're having a special dinner for you. This actually happened. This is so good already. I don't know what it is No, you do no, no, I mean my head having a special dinner for you But so you have to sit in the I guess white people in the Midwest or in the South they have Basements, yeah, we love mace basements. Yeah, I've never been in a basement before well There's a purpose for we have those we have those in the Midwest for tornadoes and shit We need to go down there. All right, my bad. Also extra square footage. It's really good So I'm in a basement. Mm-hmm, and I was there for about 45 minutes and she comes down and Sarah's wearing kimono

And she goes and it's by mind you there's 20 people there Yeah, her grandparents on both sides. Yeah, uncle's aunts, right? So I go what? What why are you wearing kimono? You'll see so we go upstairs the whole place right has She put bamboo on the walls

Okay, there is um Like swords on the wall to like samurai swords. I like it the grandmother everyone. They were the mascara, right? Chinese eyes mascara. I walk into the fucking dining room. They all Shut up. I swear to God. They bowed to you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What was that? They said how did you get what how to church a Chi yeah, yeah, how to church a child right and then She goes take your shirt off. I go why you have to wear this shirt. It's an extra small Pokemon shirt So I put this extra small Pokemon shirt on and it's like, you know me super tight soup I can be I can barely breathe. Yeah, and I'm sitting there and then everyone's wearing chopsticks, but we're eating like

What white people eat? Um, like roast turkey. We usually eat. Oh, what do you mean? Oh, no, no Chinese food at all No, they didn't even make they didn't even try to make but we're I had to use I remember using chopsticks to you pick up stuffing Which is very difficult to do by the way. Do you think her mom told do you think that was a bit? She's funny, right? She was funny. She's very funny. So do you think that was a bit laughing? Yeah having a good time and I'm kind of laughing too But deep down outside is this is the price you pay to get white pussy If you want was it oh, yeah If you're an Asian dude and you want white pussy sometimes you have to take take one for the team One for the team. Yeah, you got to take the one a photo team. They were very funny funny family

One time we were horseback riding. Yeah It was in Kentucky and we're in the woods and her dad just goes see that tree right there. Yeah, I go Yeah, that's where we hang Chinaman Were there any Chinese guys up there? No. Oh, it's a joke. I know you're running along and you laugh Yeah, this is the price you pay for what he literally goes. That's where we hang Chinese people. Yeah, and everyone laughs. They laughed Oh, yeah, it's a joke. Yeah, sure. Yeah, it's a joke. Yeah hanging Chinese. I had like a lot of those Situations, but that's the price you pay It's the price you pay for white pussy. Yes. Damn white pussy good, huh?

No, no because you get to the point because then you realize all pussy's the same. Yeah, it is right like if you eat white pussy Like if I close my eyes You know, I guess the pussy looks the colorizations different But if I close my eyes and I looked black pussy white pussy and Asian pussy I don't think I'd be like Hmm that one tastes like wasabi or whatever. Yeah, there's a difference There's a difference Wait, so if I except we blindfolded you. Mm-hmm. All right, so we but we but we did a contest, right?

And we have an Indian pussy in front of you So from in someone from someone from India. Yeah, and you looked it. What would you taste? Yellow curry Yeah, black pussy. Oh Wow, that's weird. That's like it's like Do you have to look at that much seven Eight you like it red heads love black pussy tastes like corner store potato chips

Yeah, okay, I guess you're right. Yeah, it's all the same. I can't believe we're actually talking about this in front of Rudy by the way Yeah, Rudy. Yeah, it's just terrible. She's above she's over 18 I know but I don't want to she shouldn't be in the room for that We should kick her out for that stuff Rudy. Did you like that? I want to be ninja lady. Yeah, you did She's like the fucking Mike Rudy. That's gonna be a shirt by the way get closer to the fucking Mike You don't so um Rudy you don't find that to be offensive. It's offensive, but it's funny. Yeah Yeah, that's exactly something if you were at that party. Would you stay? Like if you were that poor woman that there's an agent there's one Asian woman

They focus on right over her shoulder What if you that was you right if that's Rudy if we're looking at this video again? Please don't look at this video to play it again. No, we're looking at this video, right? There's Rudy. There's Rudy, right? You that's Rudy Obviously, okay, look at the woman next to the Asian lady. Yeah. Yeah, right here. Yeah, she's smiling, right? Yeah, they're all kind of they're all kind of smiling Asian ladies definitely not she do you know what she's thinking right there? Look at the whole song by the way every frame she's just holding her composure. Yeah, only your pose Yeah, I can't believe she didn't hurt her. Yeah, why didn't she kill her?

She's in every fucking shot and look at this old rich white guy. I want you to be a ninja too. You can be a ninja I love you. Let me tell you something you're a ninja girl Wow, I know look at the beef. Look at the big dude in the back. Oh, you're totally a ninja, man I fucking love you. I love you Jen. I've never fucked a ninja before, but I'm gonna fuck with her tonight. You're the best and she's like I'm on so much San X. I don't know where I am Wow These are all real people in Orange County. This is very this is very orange Orange County is look at this fucking morons outfit. I know these people loved it. They all want to be ninja

Yeah Damn, dude, dude, you know what it is by the way, what you know what it is That's just that's just like a Tom that's just people that have only that kind of white people have only been around only white people So this isn't a big deal to them. I'm telling you. I'll tell you why I grew up in Orange County They never left. I'll tell you why that's true. You know because you grew up around San Diego Because in any other area in the country. Yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously you don't just You don't you tell somebody yeah, you always you call somebody go. Hey, hey Sally

Mm-hmm. Um, I'm doing that ninja song Right Yeah, only in Orange County. Yeah, any other society. It's like no don't do that song Don't do that fucking you're gonna do that song cuz Sally Chang's gonna be there and she goes. Yeah, but she gets it. Yeah She's cool. She gets it. Yeah, so like if I like you know how you and I've talked about how When we make, you know a joke like a we want to do a tweet. Yeah about a black person. We always Call four or five other dudes comics. We always make sure we call other people to for Information I'm Mexican like I have Mexican things. I want to say. Yeah, there's Johnny Sanchez

There's certain guys that I like called. Hey, dude, is it right? Mm-hmm To call you guys free whole days or whatever it might be. You know what I mean? He's like, yeah, dude, it's fine, bro You know, it's cool, man. Yeah, but it's only cool because you know them So this woman doesn't really know any Asian people or have any Asian friends. Yeah, this is just her this This is a joke between her and her friends and it's the funniest thing they've ever said Yeah, she's like I'm gonna be canceled or no, probably not right this was years ago It was just I found it in my videos on my phone when I was deleting stuff Transferring from my to my phone from my computer and I was like, what is this video and I clicked on it and I remember

I was like, oh my god that this was before people got canceled. It's like five years ago. Yeah God, it's so funny. It makes me laugh so fucking hard. It's so unaware when you're on the road because you for me I have to travel to certain places in the country. You've been there as well Yeah, we do the same thing your experience in Nashville. It's probably different than my experience Yeah, I don't sell tickets there. You don't sell tickets at all in Nashville. Wow the last time I was there I did I did half rooms. No way. Yeah, man. Zany's. Yeah Really? Yeah, I remember leaving going. Oh, they'll never have me back. Fuck. I love that club I know you do but that's your different experience

Right, you know for me. It's like afterwards it's like You have white dudes come at you and go mystery very very very funny Yeah, and then you go and then you have to laugh sounds just like you Yeah Rudy don't laugh

Rudy don't fucking laugh. So here's what I here's what I would say. I know that's got to be annoying We've talked about it in the past. Yeah, what I think you should do is you should address it on stage You should make it you should say that you should go if any of you fucking idiots come up to me and do a bad Asian accent Afterwards, I'm gonna spit in your mouth. I'm gonna spit right in your face Right, right, right, right. I think you should talk I think you should make jokes about it about how annoying it is when people do it Then it'll wake people up a little bit to it. Oh You don't think so my tooth. Are you a toothy turds? Yeah spike spike. I'm hard. I'm hard

I'm hard again. Oh There we go Who was it? Would you have any cavities? Cavities cavities. Yeah, I have a mouth filled with them. How many have cavities seven or nine I don't know. Have you ever had a root canal to yeah, not only dive a root canal. I had a cap I had a I had to redo it. He had a one another dentist had to take it out redo it It was so fucking bad. Kalyla has net my girlfriend has never had a cow. It's so annoying Because she brushes. No, that's not why I brush and I don't even like sweets that much. It's it's genetics

It's genetics dude. I'm telling you it is I talked to a dentist one time I said, why do I keep getting cavities when I was in my teens? I was like why and he goes dude It's just genetics. He's a your mom has a lot of cavities weak genetics Teeth genetics weak teeth genetics weak weak teeth weak teeth genetics fine weak teeth genetics. Yeah, yeah We can WTG's teeth genetics. That's what it's a weakness No It is By the end of our life. We are teeth are all gonna come out anyway, right everyone has shitty at the end of it

I'll everyone has shitty teeth. Yeah, because when I was when I because I have no teeth I have only not I'm not even kid. I have nine maybe eight to nine teeth in my mouth Okay, you've seen it. Yeah, it's insane. It's insane. I mean, I'm gonna start losing more like my teeth are so fucked up Right. So then when I said, well, can you do the thing where they drill the um, you know, I mean They drill the screw into your the bone down here and screw in He goes you have weak gums They're that bad. Yeah, your gums are weak, bro So you can't even get even if you want it. Well, I think I think maybe they've strengthened over time

What's what's it called up veneers? You can't get veneers. Can you? Yeah, I'm trying to get them but All of you want all across because sometimes they look so bad. No, I like it. No, I like it I like it when they look like that really like the mask When they're like, yeah, yeah, I love that what you want. Yeah, I remember like when Pablo Francisco had like crack teeth Yeah, and then what did the problem is sometimes they look so bad. Look, look at how stupid that looks Sometimes they look yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like Joe Koy has that it just looks like this looks way more fun What the one up of yeah, this one above at least it looks she looks like she parties. Yeah. Yeah She parties you can't this girl this girl you can't take to bed

This girl you could take out to the shed. Yeah, you can't shed tooth This girl you got to have another house. You got to have but the one above right If you want to if you want to punt beat her up a little bit the teeth go real quick this one It's some work on the bottom. Well, because these are solid, huh? Yeah, you can smack around a little bit before You know, I mean anyone notices, you know, Rudy. Do you have nice teeth? Smile? Let me see your teeth Yeah, you have nice teeth. It's just 12 years old. Of course. Yes. They're like bait. They just grew in What does that mean? Most young kids have bad teeth unless they got braces. Did you have braces? No, that's what you're talking about

Oh, did you have braces? Yeah, you did. Yeah, we had money Oh, okay We had money growing. I mean, I had braces but at this point, they're all jagged now. They're white though. They're nice and I And I've chips in them now. Yeah. Oh, I just got an email from a company saying they're gonna send us teeth whiteners Should we use them? Of course. You do you want to do that? I'm afraid of that. The thing about teeth whiteners is because I sometimes I'll go and get um White strips. I can't use those right when you put them on they hurt so but they they're so sensitive And I get and I'm real weird about that my teeth things because I've had so much trouble with my teeth. What else are you weak on your body?

Ship station As folks adapt to this changing world We are all going to be buying stuff more online than ever before If you're an e-commerce seller, are you ready to meet the demands of our new delivery culture? Be ready with ship station. That's right, baby. When you're selling online, we get a lot of orders It can be tough. Bob and I are going to start selling some bad friends merch and uh right now We use ship station for other stuff, but that's what we're going to use for our merch It's the fastest easiest most affordable way to manage and ship your orders a few clicks

You're going to be managing everything printing out labels. That's why you'd need shipstation.com because the thing is is that no matter Where you're selling amazon etsy You know your own website ship station brings all your orders into one Unsimple interface and the thing is is that making them really easy is to manage for any device even your cell phone That's right with ship station. It works with everything usps fedax ups even amazon fulfillment Honestly, they're cheaper and better than any of their competitors. They're the number one choice of online sellers You'll ship more and less time the best rates available right now

Bad friends listeners can get ship station for free for 60 days when you use the offer code bad friends Make sure that your business is ready to meet the demands of delivery culture You guys click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in that ship station.com enter the code bad friends Ship station.com make ship happen Aveo daily contact lenses are easy and convenient which are two things we all need right now working from home Staring at screens chasing kids are on the yard all day Uh, wouldn't it be nice and comfortable to and technologically advanced to have contacts right at your front door? Aveo provides advanced super hydrating all the comfortable daily contacts and an affordable price

And and delivers right to your door. No more buying expensive boxes of contacts in bulk It's not worth it anymore. Just get online It's the only subscription contact lens company that offers both regular regular daily contacts and daily Toric contact. They're designed to keep your eyes healthy They're exclusive aqua lock technology keeps lenses hydrated and comfortable even after 12 hours of where my wife uses them Yeah, your wife uses them right? She loves them. She thinks they're incredible. She really she honestly She really does say it's one of those things where contacts are expensive They're ripoff of a makes very affordable to your front door contact

Andrew's wife uses them and you should too They are offering our listeners the best deal they have anywhere get 10 day trial pack for a dollar one dollar At aveovision.com slash bad friends. That's a v e o vision.com slash bad friends for your 10 day trial pack for only one singular dollar You're not going to get this deal anywhere else. Go to aveovision.com slash bad friends. There you go Why called you you called me the other day about my migraines. Yeah, that's pretty weak You weren't blind in your eye, huh? I went blind You what you just go blind in your eye, huh? I go blind in one eye. I have that's a weakness

I have ocular migraines, right? So you have weak teeth. Yeah weak eye. No, it's not my eye. It's my brain weak brain Well, yeah, yeah You've got um, is there like um sibling fucking in your past? Like through your history a couple years ago. Oh in the oh in the past past Is your mom and your dad are the brothers and sisters or something their cousins? Yeah, their cousins. Are they really? Yeah, yeah, bob my parents my fucking parents are cousins. Yeah, it wouldn't surprise me man because I'll tell you right now It wouldn't surprise me if your family was cousins too. You guys all look the same At least we look different. You guys are carbon copies

You there's no way There's no way koreans aren't from incest. You all look the same Identical that's so fucking right. It was so true. I don't look anything like my mom. You look exactly like your mother Do you know why? Huh? Because you're listen When growing up when people said that asians people look alike. No, no not asians koreans Japanese I think look different. I see a lot of different Japanese guys koreans Same really same. So if you when I go down wilshire, I just go same guy same guy same guy same guy same guy

Yeah, the whole time So you're saying to me right now that right now if I if john chow Was sitting here. You wouldn't think that I go. Hey, bob. Good to see you and we start the podcast now to finish it with him Margaret show same thing. I go. Hey, what's up, bob? What's up, bob? You're dumb. What's up, bob? No all the same You and redheads are the same you look just like margaret show you look exactly like margaret show You don't think you look like margaret show dude. I'm telling you right now Tell me right now to stop right now because you just put me in a such a rage shut up Margaret show let's see what she looks like I care you that's you

That's not you That is you Rudy's laughing that looks just like doesn't that look like it doesn't rudy rudy that looks just like Margaret is in front of ours. I know you were the one that brought it up. You guys look alike. No, we don't yeah, you do You're acting fucking look at that's bob right there. Are you ready to let's switch topics? Get my word off the fucking screen. Let's switch topics rudy loves it. No rudy stop laughing rudy rudy laugh laugh laugh It's mother's day. By the way, did you wish your mommy happy birthday happy mother's day? Whatever, right? Yeah Yesterday yesterday was mother's day. Oh, that's right. That's right. It was mother's day

So we put together a little video some of the fans sent in mother's day pictures. We really appreciate it Um, we want to say thank you for that. Was your that was where's your Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, you fucking piece of shit. Don't talk shit about my mom the hovel is what I like to call her Yeah, so this is a lot of the fans sent in Pictures of their mom and we put together a little something for mother's day. Let's enjoy it Uh, isn't our pitch pictures of our moms or it's it's our fans mom our fans. Oh, that's great. Yeah, let's see. Let's see Don't make fun of them by the way This is no way mother's day mommas. Oh, yeah

Beautiful women Listen to the song, you know it Go ahead girl I want to take your mama out for date night Make her feel all right give a conversation till the daylight Cause she is so damn tight I pick your mama up in a Ford flex that I borrowed from my last ex Leave your purse mama cause I got checks tonight. Gonna be about mental sex

We hit up TGI Fridays Take the scenic route forget the highways. There's no such thing as my way It's about you mama. You my baby When dinner's done take your ass straight home Walk you to the front door. So you're not alone Kiss your hand and say thanks for the love you've shown get back in my car and then I'm gone Show you respect like the queen you must be You never stutter always speaking directly

You ever need me mama. You just text me until then you stay so damn sexy Happy mother's day mama. Happy mother's day mama. Wow You know what would have been better is if we'd done that video, but you lipstick it that We'll lip sync what because at first when we were playing the video. I thought Andrew singing this live. Wow. What a talent I don't remember the lyrics. I wrote them when I was trying. Let's just try one real quick By the way, by the way, I do want to say this seriously. Some of the fans sent in a lot of fans sent in pictures of mom

Beautiful mother and some of the fans mother's passed away And uh, and it's a lot of some of these photos are of moms that are not with us anymore Which I just want to say we appreciate You know bob knows about a loss of a parent. So it's cool that people included their moms that were gone It was a big deal. I thought that was very nice. I thought it was very nice. That's why the song was so good I thought it was very nice. That's why the song is not disrespectful. It's very respectful to mama. Okay Yeah, happy mother's day mama Beautiful women across the world

It's your day, you know it Go ahead girl. Yeah I want to take your mama out for date night Make her feel all right Give her conversation till the daylight because she is so damn tight I pick your mama up in the fourth flex that I borrowed from my last ex Leave your purse mama cuz I got checks tonight gonna be about mental sex We hit up tgi fridays

Take the scenic route forget the highway There's no such thing as my way real good. Happy happy mother's day. Happy mother's day. That was real good. Thank you That was for me. Rudy. Did you like it? Oh? Can you clap for me root? Thank you root Do you feel better? No. No No, why not? You don't feel any better. Don't you feel better now? I feel um

Because I don't know I honestly I think my mood stems from I don't know what's what what's really what what what? I don't know. It's because you know the country is like, um Opening up, you know, you're scared. No, it's not just that. It's like, but we're kind of not We in LA. No, we are kind of kind of stuff's kind of starting to get open. Is it you know, we don't know if it's too soon I don't know who to believe right now You know, you got you got you guys got like guys like Eddie Bravo and triply, you know, I'm they're like, this is you know Government control, right? There was a documentary called uh, Plandemic. Did you see it? Yeah, yeah about Fauci Yeah, and then you have it got debunked

Somebody said that woman was incredible. Yeah Here's a thing. It is but yeah, but who knows who knows. I don't know anything Either way, I'm gonna sign this but the thing is is that um Um, but we do know that coronavirus is still out there prevalent. It's not as if like Cases are going down Right, we thought that you know, we're locked down because case You know, it's like you're one of those friends You're one of those friends where you constantly ask

Why dude, it's my it's my it's my weekend. I want to have a couple of drinks. I haven't drank all week Yeah, go ahead Is this hard for you really no It's just that I was to talk describe I was trying to I'm not trying to be disrespectful. Have a drink and I understand that but I was like You don't ever care when I have a drink in front of you. I don't give a fuck but I was making a point and that you're The way you drink is like so dramatic. I just had a little just it was a little distracting. I apologize Yeah, it's just like I ate them in the whole I apologize. I apologize

Yeah Okay, are you gonna drive home? What? You're driving home because your car was out there You bet Yeah, okay. No, that's it. I'm not gonna have any more. I wanted one little shot Yeah, so I anyway my back to my point. Yeah. Yeah This is that um, I just I don't know you know

when Like, you know tomorrow like I was invited to Spade David Spade and David Spades. Yeah, and and I'm like, I don't want to go, you know, I mean, so when is it okay to go? Why do you think it's not okay to go? Because I I still have this thing is like, I don't know where especially thio von Where have you been? Mm-hmm The country where have you been? They may not have been out in the woods. Yeah

You know spade I can you know spade, you know, he never leaves that house Do you don't trust you don't trust the oh, I think he's theos taking care of himself just fine You do you do I think of course. What do you mean? Theo's just a diligent as anybody Do you think all the comics have been taken care of themselves? No, I would say majority of them aren't given a I think a lot of people don't give a fuck like who doesn't give a fuck I took to Andrew Schultz on my podcast the other day. He literally says he doesn't care. He's not wearing a mask Oh, yeah, he doesn't give a fuck. He's a young man. So what's the difference who out here? I think doesn't give a fuck um

Delia Delia pretends like he cares. Yeah, but he doesn't at all I saw he was out. He was out at coffee bean drink it. He brought his own coffee to coffee bean the other day He was just drinking out front. Yeah, I see a lot of photos of him at coffee. He loves hanging out He loves coffee. Get over it. Yeah, it's been around for a long time. It's not that big. It's not a big water No, I think I think a lot of some people don't care. I don't know Look, we're gonna get back to it golf courses and parks are gonna be open This weekend. Wow

You know, but um, I mean at some point I don't know I look Well, here's my thing If you've been If we let you go to a liquor store or to get cigarettes or whatever and you just have to go one by one Right six feet apart. Just like you do at any corner store. Why can't we do that for all the businesses and just do that across the board? All the mom and pop shops should have been open the whole time in my opinion

They should just be regulated you should say you can't have more than this many people for this many square feet How big is your store? It's 400 square feet. Great. You can only have five people in there at once Everyone has to wait in line outside But the problem with that is that in certain Qingchang countries like Korea Yeah, right. You can trust its citizens to follow the rules But we have as americans a different kind of freedom and liberty and bravado Yeah, and you're gonna have those guys like fuck it. I'm not worried about that. That was gonna happen anyway That already was happening. That's my point. So it didn't that doesn't matter

Yeah, so if that was gonna happen Then why not just and I saw what they do in Shanghai Disney They're gonna open up Shanghai Disney and everyone gets temperature checked when you go in And then you have to have proof that you weren't around An infectious country or region you have to have travel proof if you go to Shanghai Disney So that's what they're gonna do to open up Yeah, it was Disneyland in Asia is sounds crazy to me 30 million dollars a day. They were losing 30 million dollars a day But that you come none of those Qingchang's have eaten Mickey Mouse yet

Because he's protected He's protected Donald Duck is not though. Oh Donald Duck. I gotta eat a first You gotta eat first. Yeah, I think look I think I'm I'm I'm gonna obey the rules until they say that they think it's the most safe That's all you can that's it But for you want to go over to spades and spades house and hang out with him at the oh that I think when people do that That's up to the person that's on you. Hmm Then you got a then you got to judge the I'm not ready yet. No. Yes. That's what I'm not ready

That's it. If you're not ready, don't do it. Mm-hmm You're ready to come here with me because you hear things like um, it's gonna get worse in the fall Yeah, when it's mixed in with the flu. Yeah, October, October, November. It's gonna get worse Maybe yeah, and then when that happens, here's my thing. Here's what I need. Let me say this. Go ahead. Let me say this Yeah, this is not comedy fodder by the way. This is not comedy at all Most 90 90% of the stuff we do is a joke on here. Okay. Yeah, but sometimes we can be serious sometimes But for the most part, I don't mean any of it. You don't look like Margaret show. Okay. You don't look I take that back Thank you

But you look a little bit. Yeah You look a little bit like Ken John, but you don't look like Margaret that fucking hey Okay, okay. I'll say this. Do I think it's real? Yeah, it's scary. It's fucked up But there then there's a piece of me that goes Well, what can I do? I can only protect myself so much. I have to still live There's 40 million residents in the state of California 40 40 million, right? We've had about 2200 deaths That's an extremely low number Of people that died. It's a big state. Yeah 40 million people dude. Yeah, 2200 deaths. Yeah, I'm not saying

It's bullshit. I'm just saying that's really low and at some point What do you want me to do? Hmm? What can I do? So I'm not saying I don't want to live in fear. I'm not storming fucking Manhattan Beach town hall, but I am going I'm gonna do things as safely as I can. It's a difficult thing. You're saying it's difficult It's like, you know, we've been coming here the whole time together. I know 2200 people is a low number obviously In comparison to 40 million. I don't discount their death. I know but My purse in my personal life, you know, I don't want my mother to get sick, right? That's the problem That's the problem. No, no, that's what I'm saying. I'm just saying the number is low enough where

I feel a little bit less scared than I used to I go, okay We're gonna manage it I'm gonna do my best. I'm gonna be safe. Stay safe. Do the right things but like Cooping up in my house forever. I can't that's I can't do that. I mean, I yeah I just got to be safe. We can't go around a lot of big crowds of people and dude We got to offer the other day you and I to do to do a to do a tour together again They want to they want to do dates again. We were gonna do dates. We got canceled. Well, they never even got put up Where do you want it? Where do you want to do them? No, no, no, they there's a bunch of offers

Where well, I don't want to talk about it because I don't want people to get hope that it's good We're not going to be able to go What did you bring it up? Just to rub it in yeah, so we but we are going to do dates. No, we are going to do dates together They did offer us and Rudy Rudy's Rudy's come in You're gonna come right? Yeah, dude. Can we take off that take off your left sandal real fast Your left one and show it to that camera. Yeah, that's your camera show it to the camera Yeah, is she okay show the camera of your sandal?

Show it show it. Look at that thing. I know give her some money Bob. No, no, no Here's that's not what it is her fucking Filipino monkey feet She's her Filipino monkey feet only they can only wear those Right, those are specific for the I mean they're made for her feet the ones that I truly haven't evolved that still have monkey features right, right? So those are made out of bamboo and eucalyptus. Is that true root eucalyptus bamboo Yeah, wait, what did she say? I can't even understand her at the time because she's speaking a different fucking monkey language What did you say Muleo made it?

Julio who who's Julio the dog chewed. Oh the dog chewed it. Yeah. Well whose fault is that? Julios Did you leave it out for him to chew? Okay. Yeah, it's your fault. It's your fault if it's at chew level. It's going to get chewed That's how I feel around my house if something is low. It's at chew level. That's not the dog's fault Right, you're in that's his territory. Yeah, what's that show that you're watching? um Get closer to the fucking mic normal people normal people. Have you heard about this? Is it good?

it's like Here's what why they like it Kalila and jewels like it because you can see like You know, you can see the pimples on their face and you can see their dicks and balls. You can see their dicks and balls What is it? What is this on and it's real? What are you watching? It's do I need to come over there? It's it's like real and it's like, you know, very visceral. It's like You pimples pimples on their penises. Is that what you said? On the penis there people's face. Wait a minute. Why do they show their penises? What show is this?

Is it cheap? They don't have makeup artists. Wait, why do they why do you see their penis? I don't like that you see their penis their genitals. Why is that sex stuff? Do you see vagina? Yeah yuck the lips yuck. No, just the hair yuck I only like I only like I only like looking at penises online and on and on movies and stuff. Yeah, apparently it's like it's a show on hulu It's called normal people. What's it about? It's based on a book Rudy, tell us what it's about. I'll tell you what it is. The gist of it is I think is

It's about irish Young irish love. Oh, I'm in. No, right? And it's a I don't know much about it. But I think it's a girl Who's not that popular, right? Just back me up. Is it based in ireland? Yeah, irish love Oh young irish love and then oh kathleen the popular guy in town, right? likes ryan ohulahen Yeah, what's his name? The actor or no, no, no, yeah, well the character's name. Um, connell connell. Oh connell Yeah, who's he in love with? What's the girl's name?

What is it? Marianne Marianne Connell and Marianne and then so the the popular guy, um, connell connell. He he makes love to Marianne. Oh, he's Yeah, oh good god. I hope the lord doesn't hear that and then what happens They keep it a secret. They have to because they're catholic, aren't they? No, because the boy doesn't like anyone to know Because she's ugly Because she's a four from what I know from what I've seen. She's pretty cute Yeah, so why does he keep it a secret? Because a lot of um students in high school doesn't like her Oh, she's not popular. You don't want to fuck a loser

Yeah, because she doesn't use fucking anything for acting on her fucking face idiot. So it's so it's a high school It's a high school show. Yeah, but then you also see them in college Huh, this is too much time jump for me. They fuck they fuck hard Hey, hey, root the fuck up rudi. They fuck hard or what? Yeah Gross That's gross. I don't like stuff like that. Spa, speaking of shows that I'm annoyed with right now, I'm pissed off at 90 Day Fiancé, because you did it on

on Tiger Belly with, with Fat, with Mayo Head Ed. Don't call him that. He's a new friend of mine. Mayo Head Ed? Yeah. I can't call him Mayo Head Ed. He is a Mayo Head. I understand that. He's Mayo Head Ed. But can I tell you what pissed me off about it?

He's not your fucking friend either. Can I tell you what pissed me off about it? Go ahead. He didn't even know he was doing Tiger Belly. He comes on because I guess he was doing some sort of press junket. Yeah. Right.

So he's doing just a serious. So then when he saw me, he knew, right, that he's the one that he called. He said that I. Who set it up? The press person? What's the network? TLC. TLC.

So he didn't even know? No. So you can hear the first, the publicist is going, this is Margaret from TLC. So Ed is, I don't know where he is, but he'll be on in a second. You know, he's taking a break. So then when he sees me, he doesn't, he remembers that he told Collyle is too good for you.

That he's too, Collyle is too good for me. So then he was just like, almost in shock. Like, oh my God, it's you. I didn't like it. Yeah. You listen to it. Yeah. I didn't like it.

Yeah. I watched it. I thought it was, here's why I didn't like it. Why? It was too hard. I don't buy this guy, by the way. I don't buy him. I think this is all a big game for him.

I don't think he's, he was never in love with Rose. I think it's, I think it's a bit. I think it's all. That's exactly what it was. Yeah. He's an actor. I don't like it. I like when it's not a bit.

I like when those guys on reality shows. The guy that went to Serbia, like not, like seven years of dating that girl or wherever she was. I love that guy. That guy's my favorite. The guy lives in Vegas. David. He's like, she'll be there this time.

Yeah. The guy answered the door. He's like, no one, you've got to leave here and look like this. I love it so fucking much. Yeah. I just think, I don't, I don't like when I find out that these guys, look, if you're going to be an actor on a reality show, as long as it's kind of publicized that way,

like the Hills or what was the Jersey Shore? Jersey Shore, like they all kind of wanted to be in entertainment. So I'm fine with it. So, but so did Big Ed. Big Ed was funny. I know, but he always, I think, wanted to get famous. That's why I don't like it. That's why I think it's bullshit.

And so he lies. Yeah. And he goes this route. I don't like it. Right? Cheap. It's cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap.

Crazy is I looked at cameo on Instagram. Yeah. We looked at, you looked up his cameos. Yeah. Yeah, I did too. Elvis. Did you see that? Yeah.

Yeah. And you can tell that he, but I didn't tell him this when we interviewed him, but I wanted to say is listen to me add. You know what that is? Yeah. Stop there. It's only half. It's only quarter.

Yeah. 15 is right to there. Yeah. 15. Okay. Cause it's going. How much money did he get on cameo for his? Do you know how much they were?

No. Let's find out how much big head that is on cameo. It just upset me because I thought it was, it wasn't as good as it could have been. The whole thing I was like, this is not. It just, I just, I wanted him to be real. I wanted him to be in love with that Roche chick, you know? Yeah. But you know, he, I have to, you have to admit though he was entertaining on the show.

Only because she didn't like him at all. Yeah. So now that we know his intentions, it makes him unlikeable. Well, here's Rose right here. Let's see what Rose charges. Rose charges $54. Oh. It's from Nelly's fiancée.

She's from, I'm asking you all for a cameo. And I want to give you the greetings and personalized and click to my accounts and take care. And I have a wonderful day. Love you all. So I love, oh, and you heard Rooster. Oh, you know what? I like her a lot. Let's hire Rose Mary.

Let's buy her. Right. I'll buy her for more than that. I like her a lot. Let's buy her and just have her send a video to us. So here's what she's doing right now. Yeah. To Brian, Jonathan, Justin and Jornie, best mom, Jennifer, hi, this is me, Rose.

How are you? Me too. She needs subtitles. Let's do one where it's like, Bobby, Andrew, you guys are getting married. Okay, we will. Haven't had a second yet. Let's hire her. Because I like her.

And where's Mayo Head Ed? What is that fucking goon charge? I'm just being mean to him for some reason because I thought it was disingenuous. There he is. Oh, I think he's hot. He's got someone drum. $100. $100.

You make my day. Let me make yours. Okay. Let me send out a shout out to anybody you want. I'm having a lot of fun with this. It's been a crazy ride. It's going to get a lot crazier. It's about to be over.

But again, much love, much appreciation, and let's have some fun. I don't hate the guy. I just didn't like the interaction on Tiger Belly at all. And I think the fans would say the same. It wasn't as good as I want. There was no... There was nothing that I could fucking do, man. It wasn't your fault.

I'll tell you why, because the TLC publicist there was like, I want to push this, but I can't. You could have, because what's the worst that's going to happen? Did they pull it? Yeah. You still have it on your side. Yeah. But there was some weird thing where I wanted him to like me. Why?

I don't know why. He doesn't like you. He doesn't like you. I know he doesn't. I can tell. He doesn't respect me. You don't respect him. I don't.

But that's the balance. Yeah. He doesn't respect you because you don't respect him at all. Right. He knows that. So he goes into that. And by the way, that's why he talked shit. Yeah.

That's why he talked shit. Now, how do we do the Rose thing? You want to buy it right now? Yeah, let's buy it right now. Okay, let's do it. So. Rosemary Vega. Yeah.

Okay, book now for $54. Can we give a, okay, two? To who? To Bobby and Andrew? To Bobby and Andrew. And just say from Rudy. From Rudy. Yeah.

From Rudy. What's the occasion? Wedding, right? Wedding. Wedding. Yeah. Okay. And what was this?

So, congratulations. Should I spell it wrong on purpose? Yeah. Congratulations. To Andrew. To Andrew. And Bobby. And Bobby.

You guys finally going to... It's okay. Yeah. That gay marriage isn't legal in... Where are we? In Bosnia. What state? Bosnia.

Huh? This is in Bosnia. In Bosnia. Yeah. It's okay that gay marriage isn't legal in Bosnia. Yeah. Because your love is more powerful than the law. Or barbed wire offense.

Then... Say something difficult. Then, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Your love is more powerful than bureaucratic systems. Systems. I can't spell bureaucratic. It's okay.

I don't know how to spell it. There it is. Bureaucratic systems. Yeah. And... Yeah. Unfathomable. That's a very difficult word.

Unfathomable. Yeah. Heights. Stringent. Stringent. Unfathomable. Stringent. Stringent.

Stringent. Heights. Heights. You. Both. Well. Prevail. Prevail.

Gloriously. Yeah. And... Yeah. One day your adoption of a Lithuanian baby will come true. Yeah. Beachbody. Oh, I love this thing.

During quarantine, this has saved my life. You know, I do the morning meltdown. Yeah. You did the morning meltdown. Bobby's trying to get jacked using Beachbody on demand. You can do online workouts. Look. Everyone is at home.

No one's going to go to a gym for a long time. And these people are the ones that started P90X insanity. And 21-day fix. That's right. So you could try out a host of their new workouts. Bobby did morning meltdown 100. Yeah. And Andrew's going to do the 80-day obsession, right?

I'm going to try it, but that's a lot of days for me. Yeah. But they got a lot of great online trainers. They also have the best trainers. They have super trainers like Tony Horton, Joel Freeman. Jericho McMatthews, and Autumn Calabrese. Autumn Calabrese, straight from Italy. Best programs, dude.

Hundreds of effective workouts, all fitness levels. Whether you're a noob, noob, or you're a jack like Bobby, who's in the gym, literally eight days a week. You can find what you need on here. You can work out with your schedule. Workout's short as 10 minutes, which is a little too long for Bob. But even still, you don't need any extra equipment. You can do it all from the company at home.

I can do 12 minutes. You can do 12. Best deal in fitness, okay? Listeners of Bad Friends can try this absolutely free. For free. You can get jacked in your house, okay? Bobby tried it. He did good.

You did okay with the morning meltdown. Yeah, I did great. He did fine. You did fine. We really want you to try the service out to see what you can do. We love it here. If anybody gets in great shape, send us in the photos. We'd love to see what you look like.

Right now, you can get a special free trial membership when you text... Bad Friends. ...to 30, 30, 30. 30, 30. That's three 30s. 30, 30, 30. Text Bad Friends there. Access to the entire platform for free.

All the workouts, the nutrition information, and support. Totally for free. Again, just text... Bad Friends. ...to 30, 30, 30. Here, can you say it? Can you read that off the thing? Yeah.

Read that there. You can do it. Just try. Look on the TV right there. Even if you fuck up. Okay, so say that because this is what it's going to sound like from Rose. Okay. Congrats to Andrew and Bobby.

Sad game. Hey, play up the accent, will you? Will you fucking get involved here, Rudy? Congrats to Andrew and Bobby. Sad game. Marriage isn't legal in Bosnia because your love is more powerful than bureaucratic systems and unfassable stringent heights. You will prevail gloriously and one day adoption of Lithuania and baby will come true.

Yeah. Why don't we even need to pay Rose? That was really good. That was better than probably how Rose wrote it. We're going to book this. I can't put in my email and all that stuff now. This is what we're going to book and then next week we'll play the video from Rose. Oh, I can't wait.

I think that's going to be so fun. Yeah. Look, I think the interview wasn't anybody's fault. I just think I was disappointed. I was disappointed. I wanted to be able to... Honestly, I wanted to... Yeah, I mean, in retrospect, I regret.

I don't think that I prepared properly. I think I was too nervous or I think that publicist threw me off and I apologize to the fans. I should have drilled them more and I... There's nothing you can do. When a publicist gets involved, it gets a little like too professional. Yeah. I mean, there's shit going on like this next Monday. We're doing, you know, the David Spade movie.

Yeah. So the publicist for... That movie looks so funny, by the way. Yeah. I'm dead serious. That's the one that... Remember the one line that I had? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's just that movie. That movie looks so funny, man. I have one line. The concept is so good. Yeah, yeah. Tell people what the concept is. I didn't... You don't know what the movie's about at all?

I didn't know. Seriously? I didn't have no idea what was going on. David Spade essentially is in this movie where he thinks he's texting one girl, invites her on a second date to Hawaii. And instead gets this other idiot from his past in his phone who has the exact same name. Yeah. It's Lauren Lapkus, right? Yeah, it's Lapkus.

Instead of this hot other chick that he thinks it is, this like supermodel. Yeah. And Lapkus shows up and she's like the girl from hell and she's crazy and da-da-da. But of course it ends up turning out that, you know, she's just as good, if not better than the original thing. You know what, it's funny. But, but, but honestly... But honestly, I saw that concept and I go, so fun, so current. I hope it's really funny.

Yeah. Because sometimes I see comedy movies now and I go, well, that concept doesn't even look good. That concept looks hilarious. You invite the wrong idiot on vacation? Yeah. Well, first of all, when I was there, I was just like... One line, huh? Yeah.

Well, Spade called me. He goes, you have one line. I told you this. Did I tell you what happened? Yeah, we talked about it. Yeah. But I just can't believe one line. They didn't let you bang out anything else?

No, one line. What was the line? Welcome to some hotel. That's getting cut. Yeah. If I was the editor, I'd be like... I know. And then also then they're like, hey, can you have Lauren Lapkus and Nick Swanson on

your podcast? They're coming Monday. Together? Yeah. No, that's good. But you've had... Yeah, but I'm just saying now... You've had Nick on the show before?

No. Never. Nick's never done the show? Never. Have you had Nick? Yeah. After Nick got sober, he came on my show and we talked about what happened to him in great depth, actually.

Wow. Yeah. Great. And emotional depth. You know, Nick is a guy who's always been fun to party with, but as a child of addiction or around addiction, I know when people were too much. Yeah. Swanson was one of those ones that I always had in my prayers, to be honest with you.

I just wanted him to be okay. I love him. First of all, ever since I've been in comedy, he's always been the nicest, coolest guy to me. He's the shit. You get the improv and he'd sneak up behind you and go, hey, you want to fuck? Yeah. You know what I mean?

He's like one of those guys and you go, yeah, you want to fuck now? You know what I mean? And you wouldn't even keep going. And we'd simulate it in front of everybody. He's exactly my type of guy. He's super fun. Super fun. He used to have this...

Every year, he had this birthday party at a roller skating rink, right? And it was the greatest party in human history because he would wear, you know, leotard and pink wings. Yeah. Swanson always committed to things. I mean, he still always commits. And then one night, you know what happened while he canceled it, right? So he would have this gigantic birthday party and, you know, he would charge five bucks,

whatever, you know? And he would put this five bucks, all the money into this like tin kind of can thing. At three in the morning, he was walking to his car and some man put out a shotgun stuck into his face and took the money. It wasn't a shotgun. I had a handgun. I had a handgun. But...

Very funny. Yeah. No. Yeah. I heard a variation of that. I made some of it. Yeah. You made some of it up.

I was filling out the... I make things up. But it was still good. I lie a lot. Yeah. Yeah. That's the most. Everything.

Really? Yeah. I think my whole life is a lie. Mm-mm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you found... I think you found a very happy medium. I think that I...

Medium? Yeah. Medium. Medium? Medium means medium, right? Well, here's what I do. I embellish on stories. So let's say, suppose, like, I'm walking down the street and a homeless man bumps me.

Yeah, well, head's up. Head's up, man. Head's up. That story will then turn into... You got no fist fight. He pulled his penis out, pissed on my leg, right? I just tried to run. He tripped me, and then he shit on my leg or whatever.

Right. It's always something... It's exacerbated. Do you do that? Of course. That's what comedians... I know, but then it's like a... It's a life based on lies.

No. I'll do that if I'm telling a story on stage. That's what I'm referring to. But if it's like... No, I say that, like, in front of, like, a friend of mine. No, that doesn't make sense to me. That's insane. I do it all the time.

But if that was a story, like, most of my bits have come from a place where they become hyperbolized or grown into these bigger bits, where, like, this happened, and then look at you. So you don't... Like, when you're on a podcast, you don't embellish stories. No, yeah, but for the most part, they're really true. Like, maybe I'll... Yeah, they're based on truth.

Yeah, but yours is... That's more than sensationalism, to be like, I bumped into a homeless guy versus he pulled out his dick, he pissed on me. You know what I mean? He opened his butt hole up and pulled out a little, like, an American flag. Yeah, I need help. That's... No, you don't need help.

You're good. I do, I do. I can't... No, because that's not a way... I don't want to be that guy. It's okay to make those bits on stage. Yeah. Embellish bits for the sake of comedy.

That's... Dude, this is a comedy show. It's fun. Yeah, sometimes I'm at, like, a Zoom A&A meeting. Oh, that... You should... No, but no, listen. And I'll be...

Like, people are sharing deep shit. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, I have nothing to say. Right. Right. So then it'll go my turn. I go, hi, I'm Bobby. Oh, my God, life is so hard.

Oh, my God, he's in an ump. Yeah, so then my uncle used to, like, beat me and stuff. You just make up stuff like that? Yeah, because the guy before me just fucking his whole family died. So what? Why can't you just be like, hey, that sucks about the family thing? I'm in good shape. Yeah, because I saw that at an A meeting once where it was so funny.

It was so funny. I laughed out loud. Yeah. So it was one of those A meetings... I shouldn't have... Fuck it. Where everyone shares. Yeah.

And you have to share. And so one guy was like, literally was like, um, so my cancer came back and my doctor is giving me, you know, six weeks, you know, or whatever, right? So sad. And then literally the next day I was, hey, I'm Tom, I sold the script. I sold it, guys. Did you clap? That's a good...

Yeah, no, and it was just... The juxtaposition. The disregard. You know, because if I was the guy, I was just like, oh, I'm sorry, man. You know what I mean? Yeah, but that's great. Yeah, but I... And this is me and the meat.

You know, like, I, you know... Did you talk to him afterwards? No. You could have got a line in that. I know. I should have said... Yeah, but what do you... You know, what do you say to a guy who has cancer?

I don't know what to say. Well, I think that's the point of that guy saying I sold a script. Okay. You be the guy. You tell me that you had cancer and I'm a guy in the meeting and I'm next. Okay. Yeah. Hi, I'm Brady, alcoholic.

Hey, Brady. So guys, you know, my cancer... I went to the doctor. My cancer's back and... Oh, Brady. And you know that I'm a single father of six children and I don't know what I'm gonna do about my kids and I think I'm gonna die. That's my share.

Thank you. Damn. My wife and I just got the pressure cooker we ordered yesterday and I gotta tell you, it cooks good meals. No, you shouldn't. Yeah. There's nothing you can do but you have to move forward. Yeah.

You have to move forward. Yeah. Okay. Can I share something with you here? Yeah. Let's do this. There's... I wanna...

Andreas, we haven't used a note long time and you know he's a little upset about it. He wants us to call him, Andreas, because he... I guess I think he misses us a little bit, you know? So we have to call Andreas because he wants to do a little video for us. Let me do it on FaceTime here. Okay. So today... Today?

Today's Bob Marley's death day. He died today on this very day and because of that, Andreas is a massive... Our house resident, Fancy B, is a massive Bob Marley fan and he wants to do a tribute. He wants to sing a song? He wants to do a Bob Marley tribute. Oh, I like Three Little Birds. Can he sing that? I can ask you.

Hi, sweetheart. Hey. Hey, guys. ¿Cómo estás, ustedes? Huh? ¿Cómo estás? ¿Cómo estás, ustedes? Muy bien.

¿Cómo estás, nosotros? Good. I can't hear him on my phone. I don't know why he's not in the headphones. Hold on one second, sweetheart. Okay. Hey, hello. How are you?

Yeah. Okay. Good. You hear him now, right? Bob in your headphones? Yeah, I can hear him now. So it's Bob Marley's birthday. I'm sorry.

It's Bob Marley's death day. Right. You love Bob Marley. Why? I love Bob Marley. Yeah. Well, he's just an inspiration for all of us, you know. For all of us whites.

And the moment we are all down, we just play some music and smoke some weed and we feel all better. Wow. That's a big weed smoker. Yeah. Really? Are you high right now? Yeah.

I needed a couple, you know, poofs to do this. A poof? A couple of poofs? Yeah, that's how they say it in Spain. They say poofs? Yeah. You know I need to hear a couple of poofs. Can I have a poof of that?

You imagine if a bunch of guys are smoking weed. Can I have a poof of that? Oh, I would light them on fire. If somebody said that. Excuse me. Yo, bro, you say poof, bro. Could I have a poof of that, please? No, fuck you, bro.

Can I have a poof? Yeah. So listen, you like smoking weed and listening to Bob. What are you going to do as a tribute for Bob Marley's death day? He died this very day. I thought, you know, to sing a little bit of a song for him and for all of you, like probably my first and last performance ever. No, no, no.

You're going to have many more. So Bobby likes the song Three Little Birds. Can you bring that up and sing Three Little Birds? What about I shot the sheriff? No, no, no. I want you to sing a song that you didn't prepare. He prepared. I shot the show.

Yeah, you've prepared. I shot the show. Like last night in the show. Can we hear a little bit of I shot the sheriff for fun right now? Yeah. Let's hear a little bit. Right. Okay.

Is that ready? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I shot the sheriff. But I didn't shoot no deputy. Oh, no. I shot the sheriff. Love it.

Yeah. But I didn't shoot no deputy. All around my hometown. They're trying to track me down. They say to want me green guilty. For the killing of a deputy. Very good. Get right to the course again.

For the life of a deputy. Very good. But I say bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Oh, shit. That's real right there. He's fucking dope. That's dope right there. If I'm guilty, I will pay.

Andres. Very good. Rudy's clapping for you. All right. Three little birds. Three little birds. Will you bring up three little birds on your computer? I don't know with that one.

He trying to what? He doesn't know that one. That's the best part. That's the best part. That's the best song he's ever written. Okay. You know my favorite song is? Which one?

No Woman No Cry? No. No. Which one? Redemption song? Yeah. That's a good song. I wish we could play some of it right now.

I know. You know he died from, Bob Marley died from foot cancer, AKA the government. Right. The fucking government killed him. I know they did. Why did they say foot, like they said melanoma, skin cancer of the foot.

Simon Chao killed Bruce Lee. Simon Cowell, the American Idol guy? No. Simon Chao, the old Chinese. He killed Bruce Lee. And his son. Brandon, that's a fact. Brandon got shot from a blank bullet,

but it was a real bullet. Simon Chao. Yeah. The cow. Simon Cowell did all that stuff. Not Simon Cowell. The British guy from the American Idol? Not the X Factor guy.

No, bro. He's like Bruce Lee, you're not that good. No, no. It was Simon Chao, the old Chinese producer. There was a guy, he did enter the dragon, all that shit. Why didn't he like Bruce? There was something, I don't know. What, are you in the ocean?

Yeah. It looks like Echo Park has a helicopter going by. Wow. Okay, go. Three little birds. Let's hear three little birds. Can you guys give me a hand and tell me a little bit what the melody is like?

This is the best. You're a Bob Marley fan. You piece of shit. Come on, dude. You're a Bob Marley fan. Let's hear it. Okay. Don't worry about a thing.

Cause every little thing gonna be all right. Perfect. Don't worry about a thing. Cause every little thing is gonna be all right. It's not, it's not. This is good. It's not, it's not even. This is it.

It's not even close. Keep going, Andreas. You're right there. Keep going, man. Rise up in the morning. He doesn't know Bob Marley. Rise and shine. No.

Three little birds. Bits by my doorstep. Good. okay. Okay. Can I teach you the best way to learn this, to learn this song? The melody is like the ABC. So it's.

Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun. So try that. Try that. Don't, don't worry about it, sing. Because every little thing is gonna be all right. Up higher. Singing.

Oh my god. Come on, come on, that's right. Let him go. Let him do it. Get on. Okay. Singing, don't worry about it, sing. Every little thing's gonna be all right.

Yep. Higher, higher, higher. All right. That's it. Because every little thing is gonna be all right. All right. Okay. Very good.

You're a huge fan. I told you. Yeah. Massive Pothead, massive Bob Marley fan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got it. This is the kind of guy. What's all over your shirt?

Is that shipping instructions? To get you back to where you're from? What the fuck is that? No. You know what it looks like? Stigmata. You know how like, right? To the skin?

Yeah. You know how like when somebody's possessed, right? They write a message through the skin? That's what it looks like. Help me. That looks like, it looks like a bunch of, you know, it looks like the movie Momentum. Where he writes all those tattoos. Yeah.

What does that shirt really say? I can't, we can't read anything. Uh, something about love and color and life. Meanwhile, if that was on his walls in his bedroom, you'd have to call like the cops. Yeah. It's definitely a manifesto. Who makes that shirt? Is that a fancy shirt and we just don't know?

Yeah. It's a brand called Desi Wall from Spain. Desi Wall. All right. I like an European style. Yeah. All right. You know what?

Yeah. Do you know who that is? Desi Wall? No. I've never heard of this designer before in my life. Yeah. Because we're real Americans. Yeah.

We're real Americans. How much would that shirt cost? Are you just trying to fucking front on us? Is that an expensive shirt? Uh, no. Just like normal retail. Maybe a little pricier than your average like Sarah, but it's not, not like a huge, you know.

Like how much? Like 40, 50, 60, 70, 80. Yeah. 50, 50, 60 bucks. 50, 60 bucks. Are we paying him? Do we pay him money? I don't want to.

Okay. I don't think we should. Okay. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not if you're wasting money. Very good job. Very good job.

Yeah. Say happy, happy Bob Marley death day. Happy. I'm sorry he passed away on this very day a long time ago. I'm, I'm very sad too. Well, yeah. When you texted me, you said I'm a big Bob fan and I would like to sing a song. Good job, Andro.

It's Andres. Whatever. Thank you, Bobby. Yeah. Hey, why don't you, why don't you say what you were going to say to Bobby? You told me you wanted to say something. You wanted to say something to him. What do you say?

What do you say? Well, I, right. Like last time we talked, you guys told me that I should practice a little bit my, my crowd work. And I wrote down here and on my sticky note, like be as mean as you possibly can, uh, alienate the audience and be really rude. So I thought of like, you know, uh, I, I've been practicing on that. So let me, let me try it.

Give me, give me 30 seconds. He wants to do stand up. You know, he wants to do, he asked, he asked me, he texted me. He'll be better than George. I'll tell you that. He said, can I open for you on the road? He wants to open for it. What a motherfucker.

Welcome. I hope you guys didn't have anything better to do than to come to the shitty ass club. Like, all right, we said in my country, the road just like the poo poo. Oh, I hope you guys get diarrhea from the chicken wins. Let's meet, let's meet some of our audience members tonight. Oh, yeah. Let's start with a lucky charm looking motherfucker in the corner. Very good.

Like love to head. Uh, what do you live for money? On hoarser hooters. If there is a pot at the end of your rainbow, it's, it's sure to fill with dentists and a welfare check. No, no, no, but sorry, sorry. I'm, I'm, I'm a huge fan. I'm, I'm, you know, you're one of my comedic heroes.

Thank you for being here. Carrot top. That's good. It looked, it looked like you, you know, stop going to the gym and went to the groomers instead. But, uh, well, you look good. You look good with a little more weight. Um, is it true that gingers have no talent?

In your face. Do me, do me, do me. Do me now. Oh yeah. Yeah. Let's go to the tennis guy in the back. Can I call you mean? I've never seen an Asian with a mullet before.

Uh, that looks like, you know, that's gonna look like it's all business in the front and a stretch up in the back. Oh, wow. Well, I can like Bill Ray Sagan in the house. He's coming up to sing his hit song. Hickey, breaky, egg roll. But no, no, sir, you, you, you look like a NASCAR driver that will get into a lot of accidents.

Oh, yeah. Play bumper car. Well, that's all I got for you. I'm trying to, it's so much better. So fucking funny. That's now the tone. That's funny, dude. That's his voice.

By the way, you did a great job. Those jokes that you roasted us for were really good. I think some of the top ones where they say that gingers don't have talent. So good. So good. Good twist on souls. Yeah. And the best one for this, the best one for this fucking NASCAR, that gets in a

lot of exits. Very good. Very funny, man. Because you, you did the whole stereotype that we can't drive as well in there. Yeah. It's real nice. And honestly, it also applies literally to you because you are a dog shit driver. Right.

Don't you have like a pre-use that is crashed? Yeah. See, look at that. He's paying attention. I'm still doing it. Yeah. Andreas, honestly, that, can you do that every week? Probably not, but I'll try.

Next week. But have some for Rudy next week, okay, bud? Okay. So good. That's good. Andreas. It's difficult to rose Rudy though. It's too nice.

Yeah. She is too nice, but she's talked some shit about you. She has. Yeah. She's talked about him. Tell him what you said. Yeah. Tell him.

Tell him what you call him. Uh, kind. Yeah. In your face, dude. You're fucking. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Okay. All right, Andreas. We love you. We'll see you later, bud. Love you, dad. Thank you. Bye. So good.

It's an improvement. Honestly? Yeah. So good. You know what? Stand up. It's about finding your voice. He found it.

Yeah. I don't know how much shit he was doing. God, that was so funny. But that was so funny. But this was very good. The political stuff was really funny too, I think. Yeah. I think he's a very funny dude.

I think that I can't wait for him to open for us when we're on the road. But isn't she gonna go out too? Would you do stand up in front of thousands of people, Rudy? I don't know. Yeah, but what I want her to do is sell the merch. Merch, yeah. We need merch. Yeah.

Do you think this is weird? Literally yesterday released, well, last week released tickets for a date in October. Don't you think October's fine? Yeah. I'm doing the Wilbur in Boston for the first time. If any of our fans are in Boston, come see me. I played there once. Do you love it?

It was during a hurricane. So in that big theater, I had not lying. This is not exaggeration. Nine people. Oh my God. Why didn't you just not do the show? I did it. Why would you just say we have to cancel?

I would give back their money. Nine people. Did you get, you didn't get paid? No. Holy. It was terrible. And that's why I've never played it. I don't, I think they think I can't draw or something.

Of course you could. I know I could kill it there, but they, yeah, that's what happened. Wow. So you're going to play the Wilbur. That's great. Oh, you should save that date for us. The Wilbur? Yeah.

This was booked forever ago and then I had to reschedule it. All right. Do you, you and me? That would have, we would triple sell it out. Yeah, but we're going to do other vent, we're going to do a bunch of other vent. By the way, the thing about the Wilbur that's going to be incredible for me is I taped my half hour for Comedy Central across the street at the Royale Theater and, and at the, at the same time that I was there across the street was Fortune Fiemster playing the Wilbur.

Wow. And I was like, damn dude, she's fucking killing it. She's killing it. She was killing it. That's when I did my half hour. That was, I think it was, I'm almost positive she was there. She was coming at least. But dude, I just, it was, that was, thank you for being, thank you for being a bad friend.

No. Yeah. No. Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah. Thank you. We don't want to hear fucking your Wilbur Comedy Central story. Okay.

Who gives a shit? Oh, I shot my special there. And then, you know what? Fortune Fiemster was across the street. It was great. She's wonderful. She's doing great. Thank you for being a bad friend.

That's what happens when you end it. It's like, oh yeah. I was playing Philadelphia once. I have a story too. I was playing Philadelphia once and then like, Chappelle was across the street. It was great. Thank you for being a bad friend. You know, it's like, what the fuck?

Oh yeah. You got to tell us that story? Let's write a script on it. That's how exciting it is. It's a new movie. You show up, you know, in Boston, right? All the cameras are set up and all of a sudden you're doing the show and then fucking fortunes across the street and then that's the climax of the movie.

It's gonna be great. We could fucking get all cut. Tom Hardy will be in it. You know, it's like, why don't you learn how to play tell a story friend? Huh? There's got to be a point. Yeah. So anyway, when you did that, when you fucking did that, in my head, I was like, emergency,

fucking, you know what I mean? Emergency shoot, right? Thank you for being a friend. Bad friend. Let's get the fuck out of here. You know, it's ridiculous. And I know you had a lapse, a lapse in thought and judgment. And you thought, there's dead air here.

I'm going to throw out this fucking story that I think is a story, but it isn't. So I, you know, you're allowed to make mistakes, but that was a dumb story. Um, you, you're going to get angry. You're going to, you're going to do what you'd usually do, right? And snap and just throw something or scream or, but let's just let, let it go. And let's just end the fucking podcast. Thank you for being a bad friend. I think we should because if that's what your fucking instinct is right now, fuck face.

We're trying to make this podcast a number one friend. All right. So just, you know, we might even have to cut that whole portion out. What do you think, pal? Oh yeah. You're getting rageful and angry. You don't know what to do. Go within yourself, dude.

A life not self examined is a life not worth living. All right. So just examine yourself. You fucked up. And let's end the podcast right now. Okay. The mother day song was strong. Mother day song.

Very good. What? What you're going to do? Let's move on, dude. Look in the camera. Look in the camera. Thank you for being, if you don't do this, we're going to have a very big problem. What?

Go ahead. You thought that was a good story? You thought that was a good story? If I had that fucking BB gun right now, I would shoot you in the fucking eye, friend. All right. So let's, what? Get it off your chest. That's what I thought.

Good. Let's just get ended. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is that what you want to hear? I'm so sorry. I should have done that more. Yeah.

All right. So I want to say that number one, you're a good stand up. You're a very good storyteller. And that I would also have to say that I think you drive this podcast. I think you prepare. You have bits that we do on the show. I come here not prepared. I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to say.

And I should put a lot more energy into doing this podcast. And I'm going to say that you're the foundation of this thing. And the reason why it's a success is because of you. And I want to thank you. But that story was the worst story I've ever heard. The comedy central thing. And it was so fucking dumb. But other than that, you're the greatest.

I'm sorry. Thank you for being a bad friend. Can I say this point, is that I'm cute as fuck. But my point is that yeah, but my point is that my point is that but my point is this so, but my point is this, but my point though is is that my point is is that I don't even know that's the thing. thing is is that the thing is is that the thing is is that the thing is is that the thing is is that the thing is that things then things is that the

truth is is that what enraged me is is that but was weird is this that not only that is is that she's the thing is this that show my honest opinion is is that and especially this is this that what i like about it is is that all on the honest truth is that um but the problem is is that but what they

don't get is is that so what i'm saying is is that ink is that it's is that it's is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, I don't know what it is, is that, or what it is is this, is that, um, the deal is this, that, Can I see something?