Bad Friends - Bedroom Music and RIP Watermelon King

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

Thank you to our Sponsors: https://babbel.com/BADFRIENDS & BLUECHEW YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Jordan Peterson, Dave Chappelle & Goodbye to Gallagher 7:54 Did Matt Walsh replaced Santino on Esther Povitsky's movie? 11:52 I Love You Just the Way You Are & Barry White is a Sex Machine 20:58 Single Bobby Is Having Fun 24:55 We Love Serial Killers 33:22 Michael bolton, Yanni and Dating Fans 37:42 Fancy's Big News 48:30 Going Blind... on Purpose 55:14 The First of the Koreans 1:01:42 Could Santino Be a Kennedy? More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, bad friends, I'm gonna be in Boston, Boston, New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve, the 30th and the 31st. I'm doing a couple of shows. So come out and see me on New Year's Eve or New Year's Eve Eve, depending on what you're up to. Boston, come see me, AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo! Why dude? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Woo! You two are something.

We're bad friends. Here's the problem I have with trans people. Oh, the problem I have is, they think they're something they're not. What are they? It's really good. You can't be a man and a woman. You've got to pick.

That's so good. And if you're born a man, then you're a man. Bro. Even if you cut off your winking. Call Lauren. Call Lauren Michaels. You're fucking in now. Oh, Santino, I heard what you did.

Oh shit! I heard what you did on Bad Friends. Yeah. Pretty good. You want to come by the show? There's a lot of protests going on because Dave Chappelle is coming back. You know that tomorrow night he's hosting?

He's hosting SNL and some of the writers are boycotting. Who is? Jordan Peterson? I can't be there. I won't stand for it. I won't stand for Dave Chappelle. Is it Chappelle? And his black,

yeah, Chappelle is hosting SNL and a few of the writers are not who. I don't know who the fuck it is. The fucking news said it. Look it up. I don't know if it's real. You know all those fancy white writers, dude. Who is it?

I know a lot of the non-whites, too. Jaime Leibowitz? Is, doesn't see it right there? Jenny Seinfeld, Jerry's daughter. Yeah, yeah. It's Jenny Seinfeld. Oh, by the way. What?

I P to Watermelon Man. Oh man, Gallagher died. Gallagher died, dude. Look at that. Some SNL writers reportedly boycotting Dave Chappelle's return as host. They just can't take his rhetoric. They're comedy writers, dude.

Get fucking grown up. Gallagher died. I know. Let's go to that. Gallagher, let's go to Watermelon Man. He died. Somebody told me he bequeathed his career to his brother, which is so cute, because didn't they not like each other?

They didn't like each other, no. Because they were competing over the exact same act. Well, all the headlines say Comedian Gallagher, best known for smashing watermelons. Imagine if that was your fucking legacy. Like Jack Hurwitz, Comedian died, best known for his thick eyebrows. You don't think they're gonna do that to you?

What are they gonna say? Bobby Lee, Comedian dies, best known for his, uh-oh, hot guy. You don't think they're gonna put that gif up when you die? That's true. Or they'll go- And you said Tito, Comedian died, best known for his Jordan Peterson impression.

That's not funny. It's not a funny comparison. Didn't work, didn't work. Bobby Lee, Comedian dies, best known for his, Bobby was a molested by a retarded boy. That's your bit. Yeah, yeah. The guy dies, you know what's so funny?

Had I had heard that when they were kids, they growing up, they both were carrying groceries in, and his brother dropped a watermelon. That's so true. First. There's no way. It is, and he was the one that was, everybody laughed in the family.

Yeah. And then Gallagher decided to start smashing watermelons because he thought the bit was funny. Stole it from his brother. Wrong Gallagher, but yes. Liam and Noel. Does that always- By the way, Liam and Noel Gallagher,

how come they never smashed a watermelon in tribute to Gallagher? And I would, dude, have you met him? Noel Gallagher or Liam Gallagher? The watermelon guy. No, I never had a chance. I would be way more sad if he was a nice guy. Why, you want him to be a dick?

No, every time I tried to like approach him, he was super standoffish. Well, you know what I mean? Well, because- Why? Well, because- Why? Why, you know,

well, he's gotta be rinsing. You think so? That's true. He sees a little, you know what, walking out to him. Right. He doesn't want a noodle in his presence. Like if he would have thrown rice at the crowd, that would be-

Then maybe I would have, yeah, just chucking rice at- The first four rows would be fucking Asians. We went to the Gallagher show. It was great. My wife went blind. She got hit in the eye with so much rice. No, I don't know why he was weird to you. Maybe it's because he was intimidated.

He was just known to be standoffish. What if he was intimidated by you? Me, no, not what? I was a kid then. Doesn't matter, you were comedian. Yeah. Comedians are weird about other comedians. You think so?

I think his generation, though, they think they're just, I don't know. Holier than thou? Maybe. Maybe. By the way, you know who says hi to you that I sat with who's might be the nicest fucking dude on planet Earth?

Fluffy. Oh, he's the best. By the way? He's the best. Nicest guy in the world. It's like, where is it? What is the thing that's negative about the guy? Nothing.

It's annoying. Absolutely nothing. It's got no flaws. He's like the sweetest, nicest- You can poke him in the belly. It doesn't- Nothing happened. You don't have to cancel.

I did. He hit me in the face. Oh, he did. He went, whoo-hoo. And he hit me as hard as he could. Yeah? No, he was incredible. Funny, sweet, nice guy.

But he asked me, he said, tell Bobby I said hi. I said, of course. And he goes, tell Bobby, why wouldn't he ever put me on Tiger Belly? That's fucking crazy. That's what he said. There's no way he said that.

There's no way he fucking said that. You want me to call him right now? No. Yeah, because I'll prove to you that he did. I'm just threatened. He said, why wouldn't Bobby- Why wouldn't Bobby put me on Tiger Belly? That's what he said.

There's just certain people I get intimidated. I don't want a rejection from him. Like Sebastian. I asked a thousand times. He says no a thousand times that I don't want to do the podcast. Yeah, he doesn't. Dude, what is it with you with the breakfast today?

What do you want him to do? Six shit in a row today, man. You want me to come down to your house? Wow. Get in your garage. What are you gonna give me, Bobby? Bumbly water? Hahaha.

You think I want to get dehydrated in the middle of the day in the hills? I'm good. Okay, so. That's my Sebastian. Wow. What else can I do? Yeah.

Anyway, what did Felipe say to that Felipe? Oh, that's why. Okay, there it is. What did Gabriel say? Gabrielle. Hahaha. Well, now he's definitely not gonna go on your fucking show. You called him Felipe and Gabrielle.

Where did you sit next to him? In here. He came on Whiskey Ginger and said that. He did? Yeah. Today. No, this past week. Oh, wow.

And he was so sweet and was like, tell Bobby I love him. I love him. And he was complimenting the show. And then he was like, you know, ask Bobby why he's never had me on Tiger Belly. And I was like, oh my God. It felt so good to me to know that, like it's another uncomfortable position for you to be.

And I love that. That makes me happy. Why? Because now it's just, it's good. I know I got that thing on you a little bit. I worked with a guy last night that loves you. He lives in your neighborhood. Well, well.

He's a great actor. Let me guess. Go ahead. Comedic actor. Yeah. Emmy nominated. Emmy nominated? Yeah.

Stone Street? No. I love this game so far. It's a good game. Well, my neighborhood is big, dude. Van Nuys is huge. He sees you walking around. Ooh.

Yeah. He mentioned golf. I'll give you some other hints. Balding. Second hint. We want more? I got it. I need it.

You need more? Yeah. He's a part of a sketch group. Part of a sketch group. I got it. Who is it? It's Walsh. Yeah.

Yeah. Maddie. I fucking love him. Love that guy. He's so funny, man. So talented. He's great. Yeah.

Chicago loves Chicago Bears. Had a great package. Yeah, Matt Walsh. Probably Emmy nominated. He wasn't one? I thought he won. He wasn't one. What?

Yeah. He's so fucking good on Veeb. You guys know who that is, don't you? Matt Walsh is one of the funniest. He's the best. He's the quickest dudes I think I've ever seen live. I mean, truly is. And like, you know, when we throw around the term genius

in our business, I do think he's a comedic genius. I really mean it. No, he is a genius. And he, and it was interesting what we talked about. We talked about like, you know. He did Esther's movie. Yes. Man, I should have done this movie.

I mean, everybody's in it. Are you fucking kidding me? I've been shooting Dave. Everyone's fucking in it. I've been shooting Dave. Yeah. I've been shooting. What do you want me to do?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hello, FX. Yeah, mm-hmm. Can I take off to do Esther's movie? Huh? What do you mean? 600 bucks, Max. So you'll take away my, okay.

Okay. All right, goodbye. What am I supposed to do? Well, they got someone better, Matt Walsh. That's true. That's actually true. He was in your part. I was gonna say, if it was, that's actually true.

It was in part. No, but we did talk about like, I don't, because I kept going like everyone, that's Matt Walsh, and he's a legend. He's one of the best elites, right? And he didn't feel that comfortable with me doing that. Well, yeah, that's uncomfortable for you to talk about. You said it out loud to humans?

Oh yeah. Well, don't do that. Oh no, I would like go into other rooms and go, Matt Walsh, and Emmy's here. Yeah, that's stupid. And then, but we talked about like, he has the same thing that I have. It's like, you know, we're uncomfortable with praise.

Then why were you praising him? I didn't know that until after I did it. You figured it out after the fact. I figured it out after I did it like for five hours. Right. You know, are you uncomfortable with praise? Yeah, oh my God, it's disgusting. But what is it about comedians

that are very uncomfortable about it? Because I think our whole career, I think so often at the beginning was so much punching in the face of negativity. And then when you get a little bit of love, you almost don't believe it. When you're young, I think when someone's like, that was amazing, and you're in your mind,

you're like, nah, it probably wasn't. But is it because, I mean, comedians specifically, the reasons why we do it in the first place is it goes against praise almost. There's a masochistic, is that the right word? There is masochism involved. Yeah, but I think the tendency is like, we all want, you know, people will go with their attention seekers.

I think most of us just really think we have funny stuff to say, so we want to say funny shit. But when we get rewarded for it verbally from people, you're, I don't know, you're skeptical of their affirmation. You think it might be false, or you think it might be like, I don't know. I wish, I don't, that's actually really smart. I don't know what the philosophy is behind that.

Yeah, because, you know, we know actors, like Tom Cruise. Actors want to be come down with praise. I know, they'll walk into a crowd and say, I don't know, they love it. Thank you, oh thank you. You're the one of the best actors I've ever seen. Thank, oh yeah, oh yeah, thank you, they love it.

Yeah, but like comics don't do that, it's weird. We're ashamed of our shit. I think we're ashamed. And you know what it is? I think the older generations of comics always instilled in us, you should be a little ashamed of your praise and success. Because when you get too bigheaded

and you lose self-awareness, I think you lose comedy. A part of comedy is being super self-aware and super humbled by society. That's, that probably creates the best comedy of all time. It is interesting because you know the comics that, you know, there's comics that are older that still do the clubs. And then you have some that became super famous

in the 80s and 90s and then they disappeared, right? And they come in and do like guest spots or whatever, right? And there's no connection with the audience. Oh, it's almost if they're like a loof of what's really going on. Because they're not. Right, so I think the key, I've always looked at with that,

like there's some sort of disconnection there. So I think for the rest of my life, I'm just gonna always just do clubs and be with people. Well, no, but just be, you can do theaters too, but just be you forever. Why would you, I mean, you don't have to change. You're perfect, just the way you are. I love you just the way you are.

Do you know who that is? Yeah. Who? I love you just the way you are. Just the way you are. That's how the song goes. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it absolutely is. Look at Pete's fucking face. Look at how happy I just made him.

Let me sing it. I love you just the way you are. That voice. Let me do it all. Can I get a solo? I love you a bit. Wait. You were doing something the way you are.

I love you just the way you are. Pretty good. Good? Yeah, pretty good. Pretty close, but that total thing, I've never heard that before. I love you just the way you are. Give me another line.

Give me another line from the other side. Bring up another song. Don't look at me. Don't look at the screen. Look at me. Just so you can look at me. I don't know how much, but I know how I love you. I know that one.

Go ahead. Just the way you are. Right? I don't know who you are, but whatever that is, it's greater than what I'm. That's the way it should be sung. That's right. Yeah.

Whatever that guy does. I'll say, I don't know much, but I know I love you. I don't know much. There. I got what? I don't know much. What is it? But I know I love you.

Okay. I don't know much, but I know I love you. Somehow you're still Asian. It's like you can't get away from Asian. No, I think he's the closer note. I don't know much. But I know I don't love you. I know that's not what I'm doing.

I think what's happening here, and I've been analyzing our previous fucking podcast, is because you're staring at my eyes. All right, I'll look away. All right, I think that's the problem. All right, I'm looking away. Think of a black guy. I am.

That's the guy who sings it is black. I'm thinking of Aaron Neville. That's who sings it. Oh, really? Yes. I didn't know it. Aaron Neville's his name? Yeah, I'm thinking of a black guy.

I'm thinking of Aaron Neville. Yeah, I am. Yeah? Does he have cool teeth? No, but he does now. Yeah, he does now. All right, so go, let me hear it. Welcome.

Welcome to the show, right? Wow. Yeah. How are you doing, Atlanta? How much were these tickets? Yeah. Y'all know this one. I don't know much.

But I know I love you. And that may be? And that may be. All I need to know. All I need to know. Right? When you close your eyes, it's not easy. Do you want to hear what it really sounds like?

I've heard the song before. I don't know how much. But I know I love you. That may be all I need to know. That's good. Such a good song, by the way. What a great song. That was almost taking, he almost took country.

It was like soul music with country. Because he did a lot of those intonations where he's like, no, how much. It had very like. Do Barry White. Do Barry White. Do Barry White. I want to learn how to sing like him.

You want to do a Barry White song? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to. Yeah, no, I want to go deep. What song should we sing by Barry White? Never going to give you up is so good. But I don't know how to do it. Dude, this guy, imagine the amount of pussy that he got.

You know women would throw, not just bras, they'd throw underwear at him. They would take their pants off, take their panties off, and throw wet underwear at Barry White on stage. No. I swear to God, you can look it up. He would collect, his crew would collect panties every show. They would take their fucking, sometimes they'd wear skirts

or dresses so they could take their panties off easier to throw on stage. Wow. King. Would he smell all of them? Oh, would you? If you were on stage. He made a blanket out of them.

Oh, he did. Oh, oh. He has a panty blanket. Like one of those AIDS blankets they do for it. They sew them all together. He'd put them on the lot on, watching it in DC. Panty AIDS blanket. The guy was one of those guys, it was on one of those things

I saw where like women would faint still over him, over seeing Barry White because they were so sexually turned on by the guy. Give me a song. Because of his voice? He didn't look that good, did he? Bro, he was a sex machine. What did he look like?

Bring up a fucking picture of Barry White. You don't think this guy's a mega babe? Let me see. Look at this fucking guy. He looks like a doorman. At a club. He works at the store. Yeah.

I see parked cars last night. He's a machine. Especially, yeah, you had that deep. I'm never going to give you up. Oh, yeah, yeah. Give me a song. You tell me that guy's not a fuck machine? No, dude.

I swore to fucking God. You're wrong. Maybe back then, in today's standards, you know how sometimes you go to a museum and you see those heavy naked white ladies? And back in the day, you know what I mean? That was what was called attractive. Maybe that's what the shit was in 70s.

But right now, unfuckable. You're wrong. You're wrong because women either like two kinds of guys. They like three kinds of guys. They like super in shape guys. They like dad bods, which you have. Or they want a big puffy teddy bear. That's what that category is.

100% big puffy teddy bear. So they want to jack sexy in shape guys, dad bods, or puffy teddy bears. If you fall in between like Fancy B. Fancy B is not in good shape and he's not as a dad bod. Chicks don't like him. He's a waste of time and space. In fact, I've been googling his wife.

I'm figuring out what the three thing is. She's the prettiest girl I think I've ever seen. The reason why, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it. She was sitting in the room the other week? Yeah. I'm annoyed at how beautiful she is. I smelled the chair. I smelled the chair.

She's beautiful. I smelled the seat. And she likes him. I can't believe it. Don't be mad. I was just a joke. I didn't smell the chair. Yes, he did.

Yes, you did. I did. You did too. So, followed your lead. Followed your lead. Anyway, give me the song. Let's hear. I want to be that guy.

You can be that guy. Dun dun. Ooh. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Oh, shit.

I almost can't. See, see, see. I almost can't do it. Oh. Keep on, right on. Right on, right on. Keep on doing it. This is fuck music, buddy.

Yeah, turn it off. I think we could just make up a pair. This is fuck music 101. Come on, baby. Look upon. I'm doing it, walking down the street. Ah, I want to suck your big old titties. What?

What? Titties. What is it? Titties. What'd I say? I don't know. I don't know what I said. Yeah, you do.

Come on, baby. Come on, baby. We're walking down the street. No. No. You're trying to fuck her. Oh, I know. But if you're trying to make up.

Let's go straight to the bedroom. He's already there. I know. I'm walking down the street to get to the bedroom. No. It's a three-minute song. Let me tell you something. I can go straight to the fucking bedroom.

That's the ending. The 30 Seconds Tomorrow song that you want about the date already happened. I'll start over. Barry White is the fuck music. It's happening. I'll compromise with the song. Come on, baby.

Open up the front door. No, they're inside. I know, but I cut out the fucking street walking. Yeah, but even though I'm at the house. No, all right, all right. You're in the bedroom. All right, all right, no, no, no, no. No, I'm by song.

Come on, baby. We're in the living room. Why? Why? I'm walking toward to the bathroom. OK. So I can wash my face. Why do you need to wash your face?

I don't know. I wash my face every time I make love. Right before you fucking have to wash your face? All right, how about this? Go straight to the living room. All right, come on, baby. Put on the music. Watching Netflix.

Why? You are delaying. You're giving up so much play. Go straight to the back. Come on, baby. Ticking my fist. What? My fist.

All right, sorry. Try it again. I decided to start again. Dude, there's too much. Here we go. Come on, baby. Hey, let me cue you. Ready?

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. Nightlife. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Hurry up. Come on, baby. Be on beat.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. You're in my bed. Take off my clothes. Take off my belt. Take off what you use. Get my eye mask. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Spread your legs. Bust out the lotion. Squirt and frown. All around the room. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. By the way, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone.

She's gone. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I fucked it up. Ready? Now you do a sign. I'll tell you how it really goes. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

I already came. That's it. Oh, I see. He already came. He already came. He's gone. Right. I'm gone.

Now I leave her there. It's over. But that's a 10-second song. I mean, you wouldn't even notice it when you're driving. How long do you last? It's over. How long do you last? In bed.

These are songs for fucking. They're specifically made for fucking. Dude, let me say something. I've been lasting like 30 minutes. 30 minutes. Fuck yeah. There's no way you have that kind of cardio. 100%.

You're running out of breath. Yeah. I'm running out of breath. By the end of it. I'm panting. You blacking out. But I can do it. Do you have headaches afterwards?

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Shipping is always free. Are you having fun? Oh, yeah. 30 minutes, man. Single Bob. He's having 30 minute fuck machine sessions. Fuck yeah, man. Wow.

I take breaks. No. You don't. I don't need it. You don't go, oh, I'm going to pull out for a second. No. Let's have a sandwich, no? A sandwich?

Yeah, a sandwich. No. I always go, let me pull out and then let's just... Eat a full meal? Yeah. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I got these breakfast tacos I want to finish before I come.

Yeah. No. Is Barry White still alive? No. No. He died, right? He did. Did he die?

What year did Barry White pass away? 2003. Wow. Well, after 9-11, I did think he said everything kind of, he was done with this world. Is that what he... Really? No. Oh, okay.

But, you know, just... That was two years after, so... Hey, okay. Don't bring it up. Let me see the video that I sent you. I do want to show Bobby something. This is incredible. Because as much as we love serial killers on the show, this is something that we learn.

Can you full screen that or just pop it out? Listen to this and tell me how fascinating this is. I heard this and I thought of you immediately. I was going to send it to you and I sent it to the boys. We have to show this on the show because we love serial killers here. One of my colleagues asked me to analyze a bunch of brains of psychopathic killers. Some of the brains that I've studied are people you know about. When I get the brains, I don't know what I'm looking at.

It's a blind experiment. They give me normal people and everything. So, I've looked at about 70 of these and came up and saw a number of pieces of data. So, we look at these sorts of things theoretically on the basis of genetics and brain damage and the interaction with environment and exactly how that machine works. So, we're interested in exactly where in the brain and what's the most important part of the brain. So, how you end up with a psychopath and a killer depends on exactly when the damage occurs. Every one of them, I looked at, who was a murderer and who was a serial killer,

had damage to their orbital cortex, which is right above the eyes, the orbits, and also the anterior part of the temporal lobe. So, there's this pattern that every one of them had, but they all were a little different too. They had other sorts of brain damage. The key thing is that the major violence genes is called the MAOA gene. And there's a variant of this gene that is in the normal population. Some of you have this and it's sex length. It's on the X chromosome.

And so, in this way, you can only get it from your mother. What does that say to you? What are you saying right now? These bitches be making us killers. These bitches be making us killers. I never thought of it that way. Someone's like, oh, it's only men that are psycho killers. Guess who we got it from? Women.

Fucking women? Yeah. Fucking women. You can't get it from anybody else. Why is it only men that are killers? Because the MAOAOAOAOAOAO came from my mama. Yeah. Yeah.

So, what do we do? I don't know. We kill them. We kill the mothers. Women. No. Not all of them. No, just your moms.

All your moms. So, I saw two minutes of that and that's what it led to that. No, I was interested in this. No. We spent two minutes and we led to that. No. I think you had to rant or something. Do a rant on it.

No, I just... Do one of your funny impressions and do a fucking rant or something. You know what I mean? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it. Let me go. You know what?

You have pre-planned impressions. No, I don't. I want to throw impressions at you. No, I don't have pre-planned. I mean, I just want to see what your catalog is. Sure. Right. Let's do Putin.

What is he talking about? About fucking the moms and the psycho killers. Problem with mother is they are all of their brain powers, but in their titties and women, all they're good for is kitchen and suck. Very good. Putin. Very good. Thanks.

I don't know. I mean, what else does he say? I don't know what he says. That was good. Well, isn't he sick now? Is he? He's dying. I think they're hiding that he's dying.

I think he died. That's a cool back, no? I like the queen. The queen died like two years before they actually told us when she died. Oh, really? Yeah, dude. That was fucking... Come on.

We talked about that on this show. Major conspiracy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They found a body double. It looked identical to her. Yeah. And then all she had to do was like, it wasn't her. It wasn't her.

No. All I got from that, the reason I want to show you that is because how interesting that all of these psychopathic killers have the exact same formidable damage on their frontal lobe. Wow. When they say, when they're like, oh, how can someone get this deep? It's actually, I listen to more of this guy, some of these psychos that have completely different patterns of lifestyle and killings, all that stuff, they have the same damage.

Is it because of a fall, something that happened coming out of the birth canal? A million different things. Some of them were abuse and trauma from their actual childhood when they were alive. Wow. Some of them are before they even entered the world. Wow. Some of them are latent stage brain damage, he said from a myriad of things, traumatic car accidents, beatings.

So what you're saying to me, if I get in a car accident right now. You could be a serial killer. And I could become a killer after that. Hypothetically. Really? You could get in a car accident. If you had such frontal lobe damage, your temporal complex, and all of that got so damaged in a way where it set off that MAOA gene, right?

Yeah. I don't know. Because we all carry some of it in our brain, in our body, some much higher than others. But let's say it triggers something, and then you snap. Wow. And who's the first person you kill? Me? We'll say it on the count of three.

One, two, three. Fancy B. What? Who are you going to say? I don't want to kill anybody. Let's do it again. Let's do it again. If you want to go real?

Yeah. Who are you going to kill for real? Let's go real. One. Wait, let me think. I'm guessing for you or for me? I'm guessing for myself. I don't know who you want to kill.

Hmm. Okay. Okay. So let me hear from you. I don't need to count you down. Just tell me then. Okay. One, two, three.

Ken Jeong. Oh, shit. That came out. That came out clear as day. I love him, I mean. Whoa. That's what I meant to say. Whoa.

No. That's what I meant. Ronnie Chang, I want to say. I want to see Ronnie Chang. He came out real. Then you said Roy Wood. Did you say Roy Wood Jr.? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Jesus. Yeah. Well. Come on, baby. That's not Roy Wood. That's very well. But both very talented, great. Very, very talented.

Very talented dudes. So you said the other week, by the way, that you had an important date. That's why we had to move times for something. How did that go? What date? How'd your little date go? What? For today, you mean?

Yeah. I haven't done it yet. It's later. That's why I had to go to earlier. Oh, it's a night date. Yeah. Oh. Because I didn't wrap till like two in the morning last night.

Yeah, they call them fratter days. Well, but it's Thursday. Yeah, it was fucking terrible. So tell me the date tonight. Uh-huh. Where are you going? To the wrap party of the movie I did. That's not a date.

Don't take a girl to that. Yeah, yeah. Why? You're going to introduce a girl that you're newly dating to people that you've been working with and friends with for years? Yeah. That's a terrible fucking idea. Why?

Am I wrong? Am I wrong? I can impress the girl that way. That's exactly why. Thank you so much. For once, dude, you're fucking, we're on fucking the same plane, dude. You impress them because here's the deal. She's a fan of Esther.

She never met her, right? Esther's going to be there. So you're bringing a fan to a premiere? Bad move. They're all fans. Bad move. You think I'm walking on a street and some girl that doesn't know who the fuck I am is going to go, let's go fucking?

Let me tell you something. If I was a girl, I would just be attracted to you but just by your personality and I'd go, look at this cute little Asian guy. I don't know who he is. Who is he? Right. And then some of the girl in the group goes, that's the uh-oh hot dog guy and she goes, I don't know who that is.

And she falls in love with you organically. Did your wife know who you were before you met her? I was nobody. Oh, that's right. And I still am nobody. Me too. She still doesn't know who I am. She thinks my name is Mike.

Yeah, yeah. I have no idea, but I know what you're saying, but you're doing this to impress her but has she been around? I'm not doing impress her. I'm going there. You just said you fucking were. No, you're the one that challenged me to say why are you fucking bringing her to this. I'm asking you.

And I'm just saying, it just happens to, we said, I said I was going to hang out with her. I said I was going to hang out with her this night. It just happens to the fall of the fucking night that I'm doing this fucking thing, man. So what am I going to do? The fucking thing? I hope it blows up in your face a little bit. It's not going to blow up on my fucking face.

You're going to make me blow up. Yep. Sorry. I went off. I'm just sorry. I'm just saying that like, please. She's a fan. She's not a fan, dude.

Why do you? What do you? What's wrong with you? You just said they're all fans. Yes, it is true that it is true that as a single guy, you know, people go, oh, you're a comedian, right? Or whatever. Yeah, you're famous.

They're all fans. I'd have to go to some other country, maybe like Ireland or something. Do people listen to our podcast in Ireland? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hi, Bobby Lee. Yeah.

I mean, what would you, if you were single, what would you, where would you meet girls at the coffee shop? Let me tell you something. Yeah. If at some point in my life, I do become single again. Yeah. I'm never, I'm never dating a woman ever again. Oh, it's guys for me.

What do you mean? Getting out, playing chess? Yeah, anal chess. Oh, anal chess, yeah. If I got single again, I'm not going, I'm not doing that thing. But you're never, you're not going to hook up? Professionals. Are you?

Ah, professional. I would just do, I would do paid sex workers for the rest of my life. Yeah, I just don't know how it works. What do you mean? Yeah, I mean, you click on it, you're arrested and then they come put me, you know, I don't know what the deal is. A little cop pops up on your phone. You're arrested.

I don't know. Please stay put. I don't know how it works. I think you got to get like a Heidi Fleiss, you got to get like a someone in the, we got to find someone in Hollywood who's got the connection. Right. And we'll get you some. No, I don't want it.

Why not? I don't want to do that. But they're not fans. I'd rather be alone. Right. That's my point. I'd rather be alone. You're right.

I'll either roll those dice or just be alone. Yeah. But you know what? There's no shame in dating a fan. You're going to make me so fucking angry right now. I'm being genuine. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.

What you're doing right now is you're making me fucking so angry. There's no shame in it. I'm not fucking saying that, man. Okay. I don't know if she's a fan. Hmm. They should. They just know that I'm a comedian.

So she's a fan. What? So she's a fan. Okay. If listen. She must be a fan. If I was gay. Right.

And I met Michael Bolton. Right. I know who Michael Bolton is. But I'm not a fan of his music. Right. That's. So if I'm dating Michael Bolton. I know.

I'm dating Michael Bolton or Yanni with right. Like I see a guy long hair, Yanni right on the fucking thing. I hate that flute thing that he does. And I think vaguely know who that that's Yanni, but I think Yanni is cute. Yeah. Yeah. And somewhere in the company, like we're at a fucking, you know, earth bar or something. You know what I mean?

Yanni probably eats or whatever. Right. Right. And we're eating gruel, whatever that hippies eat. What do you mean? Being gruel? You're the bean gruel they make. You hear me and matcha.

Matcha green gruel. Yeah. Matcha gruel. Yeah. They love to do it with their hands. Yeah. Like Ethiopian. Right.

But right before we do that, we got our hands handed. You know, they love the hand of their hands, Yanni and all those white hands. Do you have a hemp necklace on? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's got a stone in it. Yeah.

What colors are stone? Purple, lime green. You sure it's not yellow? It is. It's yellow. Yeah. Yeah. And then, yeah, there we go.

Yanni. Mega babe. Yeah. And then we go and we talk about like new age things like cosmos. Cosmos? Yeah. Cosmos. I think you're going to say Cosby first.

Yeah. Yeah. And then he's going to go, I'm going to go, he's going to go, I'm a musician, Yanni. And I'm going to go, yeah, I know who you are, but I'm not a fan. I don't like your music. And what do you think that would do with the relationship? You think that would be harder on him than if he wasn't, you weren't a fan? But then maybe I would lie and go, some of your stuff's I hate, right?

But my point is, do you understand what I'm saying? I think those are the situations I'm in. Of course. They vaguely know what I do, right? But it's not like they listen to Tiger Barely or Bad Friends or they like to mad at TV. Well, let me tell you something. What? They would be lucky to date someone like you.

What is wrong with you today? You're going this way and then this way? Yeah. Yeah. No, but I think you were such a wonderful person that any girl would be lucky to have you in their life. Oh my God. Listen, my friend.

Sexually, emotionally, like platonically, anybody on earth would be lucky to have you as a friend or a lover. All right. I don't want to talk about this anymore. On planet earth. What I'm going to say to you is. On planet earth. I love it.

I love it. I love it. And you mean a lot. Okay. To me especially. Uh-huh. You mean the most to me. Thank you.

And any girl that you bring around, she's got to go through me. What? Any girl that you bring around that you get serious with, she's got to go through me. Yeah. When I'm serious, I already have my plan. You do. Oh, yeah. What is it?

Well, I feel like I'm going to know the feeling. You're going to know when it happens, right? I'm going to go, it's going to click one day. That's the one. Yeah. I like Veronica. I'm going to continuously date Veronica. Right.

And we're going to take it to the next level. Well, what is that? Just a committed relationship. You look at Veronica in the eyes and go, you know, you don't fuck nobody else. You don't fuck anybody else. Yeah. I won't fuck nobody else. I won't fuck anybody else.

And we're together, right? I won't fuck nobody else. And at that point, there's a list of people I'm going to probably call and tell that I'm in a thing. But doesn't she have to meet these people too to get through? First, I'm going to get their approval. Correct. Yeah.

That's right. The improvement. Yeah. Number one. Yeah. Then probably you next. Then number three. Well, Kalyla probably.

Okay. Number four. Steve. Number five. My agents and my managers. Okay. Number six. George.

Okay. Are these guys on the list? No. Okay. No. Neither of them. Yeah. I mean, I haven't seen Pete.

He never calls me or texts me. Why Pete? I have a family. Oh my God. Oh, fuck you, Pete. What? Why I got two kids? Other people have families.

And they go to work. I'm so busy. I got kids. Oh, dude. Fuck. They need me. Fuck you. Fuck you, Pete.

All right. Can we? Real quick. Fancy. Can I say it or no? Let me guess. We can cut it out. Can I guess?

Yeah. Congratulations. Congrats, Fancy. He's gay. Yeah. You're gay? Yeah. And he's finally...

Oh, man. Great. Does it feel free, right? You feel free? Let me ask you. I'll tell you what's not free. Is she pregnant? Yeah.

Congratulations. That's huge. We're going to have a little fancy around this place. That's amazing. How do you feel? 90% excited. I feel good. 10% terrified.

Feared? Yeah. How did your family take it? Good. My family is very excited. Oh, they are? We're a girl you don't know yet? It's a girl.

It is? Oh my God. Oh my God. Baby. Take you to my room. No, no, no. The number one goal, Fancy, when you have a girl is to what? Keep her in the house.

In the house? In the house? What the fuck? What the fuck is that? Yeah. Safe. Safe. Safe.

Good. What else? Let's see what kind of parent you're going to be. Away from comedians? Away from comedians. By the way, you're going to raise her here. You know, when we're doing the show, she's going to be sitting in one of the bubble chairs. Yeah.

Can you imagine? I already know what kind of girl she's going to be. Give it to us. Tell us. Do you know? No. I mean, I think- She's going to be like a prop person at some theater, community theater.

Oh. Get the fucking cape. Yeah. The king scene's up. I think, I don't know where we put it last week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think she's going to be? Make a guess.

What you just said is so good a stage hand. A stage hand. So funny. I think she'll work. I think in high school, she'll get a job at Starbucks. For sure. And in college, she'll return to Starbucks when she comes back to LA. Yeah, for sure.

And then she'll try to be an actor without a doubt. For sure. And she will not make it. Never. And continue to work at Starbucks late into her 50s and 60s. Yeah. And Fancy B will be old and be like, why do you never try to do anything else? Yeah.

And she'll somehow also have an accent. Are you going to be strict? Yes. Of course. Look at that fucking sweater he's got on. That says everything you need to know. Yeah. The sweater with the collar popping through says, I'm a strict guy.

You know what I mean? You guys are making me sweat. Yeah. Really? Yeah. No, I think it's reality that's settling in. Yeah. It's such a huge responsibility.

It is. Fuck you, Dan. I'm all fentanyl. There's nothing you can do about it. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're always at that fucking podcast. Yeah.

With that ginger and that Chinese kid, you're never home with me ever, dad. Fuck you. Fuck Spain. And fuck Spain. Yeah. I don't like going to Spain. Yeah. Your family sucks.

Sucks. What are you going to say when she says something? What are you going to say to that? Are we going to keep doing the podcast into, you know, 10 years more? Yeah. Yeah. We're doing this forever. Yes.

We're never going to stop. Yeah, we're never stopping this. All right. She's going to work for us. Yes. That's a fact. She's going to work. In fact, I'm not going to give up just because I want her to work for us.

Yeah. I'm going to keep doing this just so we get to her to become an employee. We're going to do this podcast. Bobby will be in one. Old folks home. I'll be in another. And we'll have to zoom. They'll have to FaceTime us.

And they'll be giving us our pudding, our gruel in the middle of the podcast. We're going to do this till we're dead. So I'll be, when she's 21, I'll be in my 70s. Yeah. Come wash my feet. How come the mic not turn on? Every time I come in here. No, nothing working.

YouTube too slow. I say Google, you know. Go ahead. That's it. Okay. That's it. Well, she's going to work for us. You better believe it.

I want to be her grandfather. I want to be like a father figure. I want to teach her things. I want to be Uncle Andy. Yeah. We'll take her what's fishing. Shooting guns. Yeah.

Yeah. Fishing. Yeah. I don't know. In a barrel. How do you get a mouse? No, but we can go to the lake. What lake?

Where can we go? What lake? We can go to one of the big bears. We'll go to Big Bear Lake. Is there a big bear lake? Yeah, we'll take her out there. There's a lake out there, right? Or Arrowhead.

We'll go to Arrowhead or Big Bear Lake, right? I'll bring out the rods. We can get the salmon. Is there a salmon there? It's so far. Can we just take her to Echo Park Lake? How about the Hollywood Reservoir? With all the needles?

Hollywood Reservoir. That's fine. Yeah. Are there fish in there? Hollywood Reservoir? They're potable water for drinking. Oh, I see. My bad.

It's in the event that we run out of water, which we will. Oh, I didn't know. I didn't know. Have you ever been up there to Hollywood Lake? Lake Hollywood? No. Really? Beautiful.

It's just so weird that it's like this beautiful lake surrounded by houses and it's tucked in the hills and nobody knows it. I mean, unless you're a local, nobody goes up. I have no idea that there's a lake there. There's a beautiful dog park up there. It's great. Really? On the other side, it's like below the Hollywood sign.

Well, I used to, that dog park right there that's open, I used to bring Gobi there all the time. I never saw. Yeah, right below the Hollywood sign. I never saw a lake there. You go around the corner. There's a lake down there. There's a lake down there.

A lake down there. Wow. I didn't know. Yeah. There's a lake down there. I almost bought a house up there. Did you really? Yeah.

It was literally right across the street from that open dog park. And you would have been near Lake Hollywood. I know. Overlooking that thing. Right at Garbo. A lot of famous people used to live up there. Yeah. It's a beautiful area.

What's his name? Who's got the cane? Charlie Chaplin used to live up there. Yeah. I lived in Sanborn that apartment building I lived in was an insane asylum that he owned. No. Yeah. Really?

Yeah, in Sanborn. And somebody jumped off, like some kid jumped off like the third floor of that building. Didn't die. Died. Three stories. Pretty high up. Weak bones. Yeah.

That's not that far. I've fallen from second story when I was drunk in college. It was a pretty spooky place. I lived there for years. Did you ever walk past to give you the creeps? The MS-13 gang members were more scary. Yeah. They were a little bit more scary.

Yeah. Because they were there. Those ghosts are real. And there was this guy named Jimmy. Do you ever talk about Jimmy? Every day. Right? He would knock on my door.

Amen. I need $20 every day. Like clockwork. Did you give it to him? Like I would do it for a year. I did it for a year. And then one day I said. $20 a day for a year.

And then one day I said, you know who has more money than me? The lady that lives across the hallway. Smart. And he goes. What's your name? I go. Her name is Natasha Leggero. Did she really live across the hallway?

Yeah. No way. Yeah. And so he would knock on her door. And then she moved. Yeah. Yeah. And then she moved.

Give me $20. Oh. Yeah. I wanted to tell you, I watched a documentary about a thing called One Taste. What is it? It was a sex cult in San Francisco. And boy, oh boy, was this thing fucking phenomenal, this documentary. What was it called?

It's on Netflix. Yeah. It's on right now. It's called Orgasm, Inc. Blue Chew. Hey, bud. You know, whenever I have ED, I use Blue Chew and it works. Guys, we all know that confidence can take you far in life.

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No, you can tell me about how you feel about it next week, but I just want to pick your brain about it. Would you ever, as a single guy, would you ever go to like a sex, you know, they have these things called hedonism. Do you know what that is? Like a camp hedonism? Yeah. Would you ever go to one of those where it's like a vacation?

I would. Fuck party? I would. You would? Yeah, yeah. Why don't we do it? Let's set you up. Yeah.

Assign me up. But is there a catalog of what they look like or no? You don't know. Oh, you don't know? Rochambeau. Yeah. Right. And then do you have to make love?

I think it's probably just show up and like eat things. I feel like that's what you're going to do anyway, but I do think you're supposed to fuck. You know what I would do? I would take those, you know, the Japanese candies where you dunk the stick into the chocolate. What is that? What's that called? Pockies?

Dump. Dunk it. Dunk. You dunk it in? I'll just sit there and eat those. Dunkaroos. Yeah. What was that, a beginner sex?

Look up hedonism and see how much it is we can get Bobby over to hedonism. Yeah. Can we get you to do that? Do you think? Would you go on a little trip? Yeah. Zoom in on that guy. Zoom in on his dick.

Yeah. Zoom on the dick. I got to tell you something. Yeah. Pinch and spread, Pete. Triumph. I got to tell you, that's no bigger than yours, buddy. Mine?

That's not bigger than yours. It's not. No. So I'm saying, shouldn't you feel comfortable now? I know, but he's going to want to fucking collaborate. So? He's going to go, hey, follow me on this and then let's do videos together and the next thing I do, I'm doing sketches with this guy in the fucking tree.

Only fan sketch. Yeah. I don't want to do that. You know me? I can't say no. I know. In that environment. So I'm going, oh yeah.

I'm writing sketches. Right. And then can my girlfriend do it? Right. And then they're fucking. I'm not fucking anybody. And I'm like the head writer of their fucking hedonism sketch. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't want to do that. Do you remember having a Bob? He got stuck in a girl's Jamaica. He's doing like sketches now. Yeah. Full time. He's a showrunner in fucking hedonism.

Oh, look at this. This is years ago, but this popped back up onto my feet somehow. This woman blinded herself with drain cleaner because she always wanted to be disabled. She wanted to be blind since birth. She fucking doused her own eyes and now she's blind. It's a long time ago. This article is from years ago, but it just popped up in my feet somehow on YouTube. And I was like, what?

This woman through drain cleaner in her eyeballs to blind herself. Can you just? What's that music? Let's see. Hold on. He'll show you the video of this woman. I went blind on purpose, but I don't feel it was a choice. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. For most people, going blind would be a nightmare. Oh, my God. But for dual-shooping, it was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. Sure. She suffers from a rare condition called body integrity identity disorder. What?

I don't think I'm crazy. I think I have a disorder. Yeah, but take medicine. Take medicine. Imagine Stevie Wonder finding out about this woman. She did it to herself. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. It's nuts. Nuts. That's insane. Yeah. And she says it's a mental disorder, right? She says it's like a thing.

Get help. Get help. Yeah. Don't lose your vision. Or just eye patches. Two pirate eye patches and walk around with that. Lady. You could have just closed your eyes all day.

Yeah. Yeah. Get a blindfold. We go blind too at night. All right. The lengths that this woman goes to, she blinded herself and says it was like, she needed, you know, someone says like, in her mind, she thinks it's the same as like a trans person being like, I've always felt like I was a guy.

I got a transition to be a guy. Right. She said she's always felt blind and she needed to physically be blind. Right. Lady. Lady. Yeah. If you, okay, let's say this.

If you were going to disable yourself in some way, what would yours be? What could you live with? This woman lived with blindness. But when I purposely get rid of... If I said to gun to your head, you got to get rid of something. No. Okay. But that's not what happened to her.

You got to. All right. In this scenario, you got her. I'll shoot you. It doesn't have to be something. What is it? My voice. You can never speak again?

Yeah. That's how you make money. That's true. I'm under pressure. I thought you'd say... Take the gun away. Okay. Take the gun away, yeah.

A bow and arrow. What? A bow and arrow. My hearing. You don't... You want to be deaf? You're a stand-up comedian. I'm a stand-up comedian.

That's right. Take the bow away. By the way, imagine you deaf and you put on headphones. They just keep sliding off sometimes. Yeah. I have a knife. My legs. Yeah.

Get rid of my legs. Okay. So that's the one. You would take... One leg. No, you got to take both. It's a pair. Yeah.

What would you... Hey, I don't know what this is. Yeah. My testicles. My testicles. Really? It's a pair. It is a pair.

I got away with it. Yeah. See? I'm still going to keep my shaft. Oh, that's true. Can you still feel good things with the shaft gone? You don't need your ball. You can come without your ball.

You know, you can feel organ orgasm without actually ejaculating cum. Oh, you can? Yeah. Oh, my God. They need to feel to feel better after your orgasm. Interesting. Like, when I come, just a little observation, right? When I come, there's a void in my heart and my soul.

Yeah. You know, in emptiness. Hey, I can feel the wind blowing through it. We all feel this way. I think I can feel the wind blowing through it. I have a joke about it. I'm telling on stage right now. I need a pill to make me feel better in that moment.

Well, drugs. And then when the cum reloads, love comes back. Well, here's the deal. We're all sad after we cum. I've talked about this on stage. Yeah. But I found a trick. What is it?

I put the cum right back in. I get a little funnel and I just put it. I take it right off her back and I put it right back in. Ah, you do. Is it a compartment or you stick it back through that little hole? I put it back in the hole. I don't know. I mean, I can't.

I don't know. Like a side door to my nutsack. I'm sorry, my bad. I don't know how the human body works. I mean, could you jam it in your butthole? And does it go? You can't refill it that way? I guess we should try.

Yeah. That'd be cool. We were like pez dispensers and we just lift up and stick the cum back in her neck. And it comes back through the fucking balls. Yeah, yeah. I feel better again. Or do what I've been doing. What have you been doing?

Fucking listen to this, dude. Listen up. Fucking A, dude. I'm a fucking pro at it, dude. I know. It's called bra. Edging. Edging.

I know it. Master. Edger, dude. I know. You get close to cumming. I like to ride that. I like to ride that. I don't even cum.

Yeah, you get close and you stop. Yeah. And I leave. I fucking leave, dude. Really? Yeah. A couple of times I've done that. I look at the girl and go, we're edging today.

She's like, what? So you get really close and then you give up. And I'm about to cum. I pull up. I leave. Wow. Yeah. Then what?

I drive home. Hard. No emptiness. Hard. Yeah. No, it goes down. It doesn't hurt? No.

But then don't pee for a while. How long? You know, I've sometimes ever done that where you make love and then you pee and 19 sprays come out. Yeah. And you have to clean the whole bathroom. You put your finger on the hose. Yeah.

I hate that when that happens. I hate when that happens. Sometimes I'll have morning wood in the morning. Yeah. Which I know you don't get anymore. No, I get them now. You do? Full blown, dude.

Every morning. Wow. Every morning I get it. You're back, baby. I'm back. My machine's back. You know, those cars that Jay Leno has, like, you know what I mean, in good condition, but old.

It's a Model T. Model T. Model T. Wait a minute. Do you guys still get morning wood? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

When you get morning wood, sometimes you get to pee from the night before. And then you have to wait till the boner goes down so you can pee. Yeah. I have to just, like, stand in the bathroom. Oh, I hate... Or... No, that's not what I do. You push it down and piss?

I pinch it. Oh, dude. Yeah. I pinch it. What do you guys do? What do you do? If you wake up hard, you got to piss. I just go.

I got to get the shit to do. You piss with a boner? You... I clean it up. I just got to go. I got to go. I got to take care of the kids. So you clean the ceiling of your bathroom?

Or peaches? I mean... Peaches. Oh, no. It's early. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's early. Yeah.

Yeah. But the morning wood in the morning, though, isn't out of horniness. No, I know. Yeah, it's weird, right? You know, there's two reasons it happens. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. You teach me.

Well, one of them is actually to protect you from pissing yourself at night. Do you know that? No. So if not blood is blocking, is filling the muscle of your penis, it's to aid your prostate and bladder from not expelling piss if it's bubbling up. The other reason is from fucking testosterone surging through your body first thing in the morning. We are the horniest in the morning.

Men have the highest testosterone count first thing in the morning. Well, I did not know that. Well, that's why we're morning fuckers and women are night fuckers. It's insane. What's crazy about... There's a book all about it. What's crazy is they're primed to have sex in the nocturnal. We are primed to have it first thing in the morning because historically, we would want

to get up, fuck, and then go kill and gather for the rest of the day. We wanted to go fucking, go get the food, go do this thing. So we wanted to rope a nut off first thing in the morning. Let me ask you something. Could I not do that back in the day? You would not have been a hunter and gatherer. Yeah. Could I not do that?

You'd have been a homemaker. I mean, is there other options or that was the only option? As a guy, sadly, you had to go out and kill and gather or you were killed by the community. A shaman. I think you could be a shaman. That's it. I'll be the smoke guy. I'd herb smoke.

You know what I mean? Have a hut. But even him. You know, they'd kill him pretty quick too. Maybe. Could I be making moccasins? Let me see your hands. I don't know.

No, look. Oh. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see it now, right? Yeah. I can make moccasins? Yeah.

Imagine some fucking white cowboy careening over a hill with his horses and seeing a tribe of Indians. Cherokees, if you will. And of all these beautiful Cherokee men and women, sitting in the middle of them is a little tiny Korean man. How did you get there? Oh, it'd be like last of the Mohicans, probably. Yeah, but it'd be first.

They found me as a baby. First of the Koreans. It'd be first of the Koreans. Yeah, first of the Koreans. Oh yeah. It wouldn't be first of the Koreans. First of the Koreans. Yeah.

It's a group of Cherokee men and women and you. I want Daniel Deleuze still to play him. 100%. He's a great actor. How could he not? He's a great actor. Who's the white? Who's the lead white that finds you?

It's gotta be Christian Bale. CB. Very good. Really good, right? All right. Right. And who does he be friend? Who's the native that he befriends?

What do you mean? See, he befriends one of the natives to try to get to you. Right. To the first Korean. Right. But you are protected by the community and they don't want to let you go. You're basically gold to them. Right.

You're a barter. They barter you. So who would play the friend? Who would play the native friend? The native friend. Do you have any native friends? From the show? Do you have any native friends from the show?

I just asked Taika to do it. Okay. Taika Waititi is native. But not native to America. Doesn't matter. It kind of does. Okay. In this regard.

Yeah. I think we'd have to stick with the real... Charlie Hill. Is that... Is he on the show? I want to put Charlie Hill in there. Who is that man? He died.

Oh. We can't CGI him in? We can. Yeah. There's a friend. They're CGIing everybody now. I know, I know. But they had the first of the Korean.

That's a good movie idea. The very first of the Koreans. Yeah. And they get... But let me ask you something about last... Because you're worth money. Can you let me ask you about last of the Mexicans? Sure.

I never... Even as a kid when I watched that movie. Uh-huh. And this is just a question and it's not comedic in any kind of way. It's just a real question. We'll find a way. You think that if a native person found a white baby, they would be like, hey, let's bring him into the tribe.

Or do you think they would throw it in the river? Interesting. I mean, honestly. No, no, I don't. I mean, the white people have been slaughtering them. They find a white baby, you think they're going to be, you're one of us or would they smoke him? Well, I'd use it as collateral.

Oh, as a chipping. Right. They would use it... They would... Basically, they've got a free hostage. Right. I would use that as collateral. It's like what the Russians are doing with Britney Griner.

All right. It's like they're not letting that girl out. Interesting. She had a little bit of weed. They're not letting her out. They're using her to fuck with the United States. Yeah. So you would use the little white baby.

Yeah. You know, and some whites came along the hill, you'd get what you need. You're like, we'll kill this fucking baby. And a white baby is a lot of money. The worth the most. I mean, it's the worth... Like, you know what I mean? If they got a Korean baby...

What is that? A couple... I mean, a couple of pairs of shoes. Sheep hide? Yeah, one sheep hide. One sheep hide and a fucking... You know what I mean? What would you get?

Deer bone. One deer bone? Like a leg? Like a leg bone, right? But a white baby is... Wow. First of all, you get a live deer for that. Six horses.

Yeah. White baby, six horses. Six horse power, baby. Yeah, right? Six horse white power, baby. How much would a black baby? Good talk. Well, I said Korean.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm... This is not for comedy. Six black horses. You'd get stallions. Okay, good. You'd get six stallions.

Good save. Good save. Yeah. Very good. How about a Mexican baby? You get a dozen donkeys. Okay, good. This is a great game.

This is a great game. I love this game. I like... I have a Middle Eastern baby. You tell me. You already know. 12 camels. Yeah.

This is fun, right? What's a harder one? What's a harder one? Let's go harder. Right? A Chinese baby. You know. Six companies, I guess.

No. Six corporations. Six corporations. Six movie theaters. I would say Six Pandas. Six Pandas. Six Pandas. Six Pandas.

Six Pandas. Six Pandas. Six Pandas. Six Pandas. What about Russian baby? Oh, shit. Two tanks. Two tanks.

Yeah. A Russian... No, one tank. Tanks are expensive. They're so expensive. They're so expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What about a Spanish...

a baby from Spain? Oh, god. Spanish baby. Ten pesos. I think you get two siestas. Yeah, two siestas. And you get two naps for that baby. That's an interesting thing.

I gotta tell ya, if you're right, in retrospect, if we're going back to you being genuine, they would kill that white baby on the spot. That, when I was watching that movie as a kid, I'm like, why would they do that? No, they'd use it as like a piñata. I know, I know. Try to see what's in it.

A football. You hear me? Go long. Go long. You hear me? I mean, that baby would not be alive. You poke a couple holes in it, whistles like that old football.

I know. I mean, that's a true movie. That's, yeah, yeah, that's what would happen. The native football game, and they use the white baby as the ball? Yeah. That, I believe. And why is the last of every in these movies

a white person, last samurai, white dude? Yeah. Last of the Mohicans, white person. I think it's a projection. I think you guys want us outta here. I think you want us last. What do you mean? We've been first for so long.

No, you're the last of the people. Yeah, because they've gotten rid of us. But you guys are writing these movies. I know, because I think we wanna get outta here. Oh, is that what it is? Well, you guys are taking over. We gotta get the fuck outta here. Oh, right, okay, I get it.

You're like a freedom writer or a white. I'm one of the good ones. Like in the 60s, I think you would be like on the bus with the, you know, civil rights, yeah, yeah. But you know what? I'd be killed immediately. I know. Because the redhead, they're like,

you gotta kill that fucking guy. They're not gonna let me live. Yeah. They look at me, I don't look like Massachusetts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I look like white scum. They think I'm scum. The rich whites, the wealthy whites,

when I go around them, they look at me weird. Really? I don't look like any of those guys. Yeah. Like the Kennedys, bring up the fucking Kennedys. You wanna talk about when whites see wealthy people, they know it, they have a fucking look. Dude, you could be a Kennedy, dude.

Fuckin' know I could. If you were a suit and you took that fuck, you... Look at what they look like in the face. Look at the Kennedys. Look at his face. They have like a fucking, they have a jawline thing that's very similar. No, the Kennedys are, look at that thing.

No, yeah, look at Bobby and look at him. Look what they look like. They have like a teethy toothy. Oh, a teethy toothy. Teethy toothy. Yeah, I get it. When white people have teethy toothies, I don't like it. It's in East Coast.

It's an East Coast thing. It's a wealthy... Look at him and his brother with his stupid fucking hair right next to the Kennedys. I literally can only focus on all of their teeth. Oh, teethy toothies. Yeah, they're all teethy toothies. Yeah, they're all teethy toothies right there.

But it's something about that East Coast wealthy elitist. Elitist, yeah. They look the same. Yeah. Bring up a picture of the Rockefeller family. Let's see what the Rockefellers look like. Yeah, you're right. Or the Gettys.

Do you know about the Gettys? I love the Gettys. They're billionaires, billion, billion, billionaires. Let me see what the Rockefeller family looked like. I bet you they're teethy toothy as well. Get that pig. Look at that big fucking picture. Oh, look at that.

Is he not a teethy toothy? He's a teethy tooth. You tell me that's not a teethy toothy white? Yellow teeth. It's a yellow, that's an Asian teethy toothy. Yeah. Is that the Rockefeller's right there? The history of the Rockefeller family?

Zoom in on those guys. See, they learned over the years. They're not, no one's teethy toothy in that one. They learned they're all closed in their mouth, conscious. Right. They had a meeting. They're like, no more teethy toothies, boys. Can't be seen teethy toothies.

They just seem powerful, huh? Because even if you didn't tell me who they were, I would get scared looking at the photo. Rich whites are just different. There's something else about the wealthy whites. Wealthy whites in America have this fucking look. They have a thing. It's scary.

All right, well, here's the deal. I love it. If I book hedonism for you. I'm not gonna go, please, stop, let it go. I'm gonna book it. I'm not gonna be there. Why? Can't we film it?

If we film it for the show, will you go? What about this? I'll pay for it. I'll pay for all of it. I'll give you something else, all right? Bad friends has our own hedonism, right? Smart. What we'll do is we'll do it in the desert.

So we'll get like the biggest house Airbnb. Bakersfield. You wanna do in Bakersfield? Yeah, it'd be funny. Yeah, we'll go to Bakersfield. You know what? We'll rent out one floor of a hotel. In Bakersfield.

And we'll open up all the doors, right? So people go in and out of rooms, right? And we call it bad friends, you know what I mean? Bakersfields. Bakersfields. Bad friends, Bakersfields. Sexy time. Sexy time.

It's a long title, but we're working on it. Sexy time with bad friends. Yeah, right. We'll figure it out. And we, and I'm the madame. Maderm. Maderm. Maderm.

I'm the guy. I wear a smoking jacket, right? Pipe. Silver in my hair, right? Sandals. Penis out. It'll be out. Robe open, baby.

I can't open with printed penis. Robe open. Yeah, I'll welcome people with my dick out. You're right. That's the best one. I'm gonna stay, right? Right. So they come out of the elevator.

I'm there. Oh, Bobby. Maybe we can record. Come on, baby. You know what I mean? Walk down the street. Yeah. Yeah.

What's inside? No, open the door. You know what I mean? They come in. Come inside. They'll probably giggle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can they see my little guy?

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I do, I mean, I have to do a giggle back. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Name, please. Name, please.

Kristen. Room 4B. Can they? All right, baby. Can I tell you something about how hotels work, though? Four would be tough. Why? 4B.

What are you on, friends? How many hotels have you stayed in? Oh, yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right. It's like 308 or... Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right, right, right. 419. My bad. 4B.

Do you want to sit home? Is Kramer in 4C? I think it's my boutique. I've been here for the fuck. No, it's a boutique hotel. You said a whole floor. Oh, that's right. Okay, let's...

What are we going to rent, really? Like a Marriott? Like a courtyard? Your room, 4, 3, 12. Is that better? On the 43rd floor. Yeah. On the 12th room.

Yeah. By the way, there's a couple of fans at home right now that are just figuring out that those numbers coincide with the floor. Oh, right. Yeah, some people are like, what? Yeah. On the 43rd floor, I'm in the 12th room.

You're in the 12th room. Okay, thank you. Right. Yeah. I go in there. Leave your door open. I go in there and who's in there jerking off? But here's the thing.

Who is in there jerking off? I am because I had one. While she goes to the fucking room, I take a back fucking way, right? Change, and just start jerking out. She thinks it's magic. Right? She goes, how did you?

Right? Yeah. Come on, baby. Right? That'd be cool. Thank you for being a bad friend. Turn your face. Do that.

Nobody says that. Turn your face. Turn your face. Turn your face. Turn your face. And then they will never understand you. T-t-turn your face. So you have to call 911.

Do that. Do that. T-t-turn, Syn." Alright, take a resteat. There's the thing there. I love you. I love you.