Bad Friends - Big Head, Little Body w/ Chris Distefano

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

Get Tickets to "Scary Times USA" live show at: https://www.moment.co/badfriends Get MORE Bad Friends at our Patreon!! https://www.patreon.com/badfriends Thank you to our Sponsors: Huel, Draft Kings, BLUECHEW & PDS Debt • Huel: Try Huel with 15% OFF today using code BADFRIENDS at https://my.huel.com/BADFRIENDS. Fuel your best performance with Huel today! • Draft Kings: https://sportsbook.draftkings.com Download the app and use code BADFRIENDS to get $200 in bonus bets when betting $5* • PDS Debt: Get a free debt analysis right now at https://pdsdebt.com/free-debt-assessment/?ref=badfriends YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Here's Fancy! 1:00 Chris Distefano Can't Stop Kissing Bobby 7:00 Bobby Loves Dirty Whites 14:30 God Dropped Shane Gillis 16:45 Jomon and Yayoi 21:00 Squatting for Cigs 26:45 Chris Distefano's Famous Friends 30:00 Bobby's Dad Never Listened to Music 36:00 Preparing for the Worst 47:45 Chris Distefano Explains the Crusades 52:00 Ranking Asians 1:01:00 Embarrassing Moment w/ Maroon 5 1:06:20 Bobby Ignores His Stomach System 1:08:00 Dinosaurs and Manifest Destiny 1:13:00 Michael Jackson's Missing Python More Chris Distefano Chrissy Chaos: @chrisdcomedy Hey Babe: @nopreshnetwork Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdcomedy Tickets and More: https://www.chrisdcomedy.com More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbylee.live More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Fancy SOS VHS: https://www.youtube.com/@SOSVHS Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.com/ Podcast Producer: Andrés Rosende This episode contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends #sponsored #ads Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo. White dude and Asian dude. Woo. You two are disgusting. Woo. You two are something.

We're bad friends. You like to do batminton? No. Okay, probably football, American football. Baseball. Baseball, basketball. Yes. That's your thing. Yeah, not hockey I don't really do hockey. I don't do hockey either. I only do soccer Yeah, and do you know why cuz I'm uh, cuz you have little feet

Dude you would tell a lot of time Ibrahimovic that he has little feet I will tell him that dude. He's got six foot nine feet, dude. Yeah, he's a big. He's a big guy. He's not six foot nine, but he's tall. Do you know him? No, dude, if I saw him I would melt really. Yeah, I would be like, oh, I don't know what to say to you What'd they be? You from Sweden? You think you would go back you would get knocked back into Korea? What do you mean like Korean accent you was I don't know what to say to you Yeah, whenever I'm around to celebrate I go back to you know, Korean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you look good I saw you yesterday. I'm sorry. I you didn't cooking. Yeah, Korean guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you look good. I saw you yesterday.

Joe Mon. I'm sorry, I, you didn't text me. Oh no, I tell you what you did last night. It was bullshit. Tell him what I, tell him. And out of pocket, and insincere, and deceptive, and creating chaos within my own life. Yes. Right?

And I don't like it. Tell him. I don't like it when you come into town and you create chaos And with your diabol, if you don't get me one dude. Chrissy Kass, thank you dude. I got you a pecan, this new like, I've got it in one. It looks like all cream dude. It's gonna be great.

Oh. Lactose intolerant though. You still drink lactose. Thank you. It's gonna be good. It's all cream dude. I like Carlos, Carlos is in good shape on top, he's got a chubby little butt. Dude, he's got, not that it's a chubby butt, it's a cream, dude. I like Carlos. Carlos is in good shape on top. He's got a chubby little butt.

Dude, he's got not a chubby butt. It's a Brazilian butt situation. You know what? Carlos has got a butt like a toddler butt. I've never seen a toddler's butt, but I'm taking your word for it. If I pulled out a picture of my three-year-old's butt and Carlos, you wouldn't know which one is.

Yo, it's just that. How many kids do you have again? Three kids. Three kids. Is one of the butts of your kids not good what my My my no, they all got good butts from you Yeah, no no from their mom their mom has it their mom has a really good good But and all my kids were born with tattooed lips on their ass cheeks

You request that or Genetics it's genetics wall. Can we go back to last night? Yeah, let or? No. Is that genetics? It's genetics. Whoa. Can we go back to last night? Yeah, let's go back. So I'm at the improv. I'm sitting there with some people, a couple of girls, some guys, you know,

my agents are there too. Oh really? And their assistants, yeah. Yeah. And you come up from behind and then you kiss me on the cheek and then you try to kiss me on the lips and then you just kind of leave, right?

And I had to explain, it took about 20 minutes to tell people that we're not gay lovers. I go, right? And I had to explain, it took about 20 minutes to tell people that we're not gay lovers. I didn't know, dude, I'm not gay. They're like, dude, that seemed like super intimate and like you're gonna see your husband later. Tonight I go, he just does that, we just do that. And I just, next time you do that in front of strangers,

you need to explain to people that this is not just a heterosexual fucking situation. But then I said to you, But then I said to you, but then I said to you, because you told me you were sad, and then what I did was when I was kissing you, and then I slapped you a little bit, and I felt like I slapped you too hard.

No, it wasn't hard. Because I wrote to you, and you never wrote back. I said, sorry, that last slap was unintentionally too hard. No, I know that. That's when I was mad at the slap. I said, I love you. It's the kisses that. Call me if you ever want to talk.

Yeah, yeah. I prefer slaps and kisses. I hate that. Hit that up slap. I said, I love you. It's the kisses that. Call me if you ever want to talk. Yeah, yeah. And then I said. I prefer slaps and kisses. I think I was there. Hit that up. But I just, cause I felt like, you know, like we have a thing where, you know, cause I kissed you once on the head,

cause I really missed you. And then I liked the way it felt. So I kissed you more. And that's what it was. Yeah, I know, but just kiss me once. Even the king gets kissed on the cheek once. One time. I mean, if as a peasant, if I got to kiss the king,

I'd want to kiss him more, but I would only kiss him once. And then I kissed, and then you were sweating, was warm out yesterday, and then I tasted cabbage on my lips for the whole, the rest of the night. Pickled cabbage. Kimchi joke. Kimchi joke, that was a really good joke. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause most people just said kimchi, but I want to go to the root. Yeah, Jomon, you know what Jomon is? Jomon is, oh, let me guess. J-O-M-O-N. Jamon. Jamon is a...

It's not a black guy's name. So what, Michael Jackson's scream? Pick... What, what? Jamon! What, what? Pickled cabbage sliced up in a pan with egg. Then you put it with egg and grated cheese.

Then you mix it in to dough and you kind of make like a healthier bread. That's- It's not a food. Oh, Jumon, Jumon's accent. Yeah, yeah, it's one of the, no, Jumon Waynes. It's the 12th Waynes brother. What is Jumon, what is Jumon? Well, I found out that Jumon's were the Koreans

before the Koreans and Japanese before the Japanese. Really? And they didn't look, they didn't look Asian. So I don't know what the fuck happened. They kind of looked like, um, they kind of look like, uh, let me guess, like um, Chris O'Donnell or what's his name? Is that his name? Oh, Robin from Batman and Robin Chris. He's gay, right? What? Chris O'Donnell is gay. Why? He was gay in the movie. Well, Robin is gay. That was the gayest movie. Yeah. Robin is gay. Yeah. I don't think, is Robin gay? Um, I think so. Because he's is gay. Yeah, yeah. I don't think, is Robin gay?

I think so. Because he's wearing pink and yellow ones, I mean red and yellow and green. He's just kind of gay, he's just kind of like a sidekick kind of gay. Well Robin's a gay bird. Right. They should have picked a different.

They should have picked a different bird. Like what's a good one? Bird of paradise. Yeah, or like a seagull. Go more gay, go more gay. Yeah, yeah. Seagull. Look at Don's gay, right?

Don DePetta is my friend. I like Don a lot. He comes a lot. Him and I do, we have a connection. But you don't see him, if he doesn't come with me, you don Seagull. Look at Don's gay, right? Don DePetta is my friend. I like Don a lot. He comes a lot. Him and I do, we have a connection. Yeah, but you don't see him. He doesn't come with me, you don't see him. Yeah, no, yeah, of course not. No.

Yeah, he's like, what are you? But he wants to always reach out, and he doesn't feel comfortable if he could reach out to you in Santino. I told him he can. Yeah, but why would you want to reach out? He wants to hang out. He gets lonely here.

He only sees you when you're with me. Oh, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. Weren't you the one that, back in the day... I talked to right, that's right, that's right, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. Weren't you the one that back in the day, can I ask you a question? Yeah.

Was he the guy the last time they got us COVID? Yes, that's him. Yeah. That's him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's him. And I got him the other two. And he switched his stuff because he thought,

oh, I'm gonna grow out this mustache to make it look more, you know what I mean? But he just grows the mustache, he doesn't grow the beard. I told him it doesn't look good. He looks like Yosemite Sam, but gay. But gay from Hollywood. You still do stand up? But you were supposed to come tonight,

but you're not gonna come now? You said, you told me the other day you would do a guest line. I'll tell you what, I got invited to something else. What happened? Well, I got invited to a party that I never get invited to, and I think I have to go politically. What, Who's the? Can we? Can you tell? Tell me? Well, yeah, I can tell you. But, you know, what? Why are you smiling?

Carlos is about to give you a black eye like he gave his kid one. Yeah, no. So, it's this guy's Sonny. You know Sonny? He's a show runner for beef. Oh, good. Right. And so, you know,ie all these guys are the Asian community Yeah, they're gonna go and I missed the last year and I you know got invited this year and I was like I should go Is there one of them that you want to get out though? Like between like I don't want to go to any of them I don't want to go to any of them. I go to fucking I went to that one

Event a month couple two months ago was it Asian? No, not the Asian excellence. It was like the fucking golden You know, I mean Phoenix or whatever they fucking had. Yeah. Yeah, and I went downtown. They gave me a shitty table I'm with Margaret show all these fucking people all the cool Asians get in the front and I gotta sit there and watch Presentations and see Michelle yowls back of her head, right? I don't do it anymore, man I want to be around my people my white dirty I'm a dirty white more than a Korean, dude. Yeah, you are. Yeah, I like the dirties, man. Yeah, we're good.

Faggies, dude. Yeah. You guys are so, they don't, they're not good, well-kept. Yeah. They're just so dirty. Yeah, because it's- Yeah, musky. I'm getting sick of it, too.

There's too many, it's too much, like, it's just- Don't say there's too many Asians. Well, no, there are, but- Don't say there's too many Asians. No, it's not that there's too many Asians, but it much, like, it's just. Don't say there's too many Asians. Well, no, there are, but. Don't say there's too many Asians. No, it's not that there's too many Asians, but it's just like, it's becoming a thing now where it's like, I can't get in, you know what I mean?

You'll never get in. I can't get into the Asian thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, you wanna get in? I do. I think because if I, you know, me, I'm all about procreating, but I don't wanna make more white people. That's why I have Puerto Rican kids.

Oh, that's right. But the next thing is, if the things end with me with Puerto Rican, I wanna go to the Asians. So I wanna, I'm. Well to make more white people. That's why Puerto Rican kids. Oh, that's right. But the next thing is, if the things end with me with Puerto Rican, I want to go to the Asians. So I want to, I'm looking out. Well, let me say something. I'll make a call to George Takei. I would love that.

You would, hello? Yeah. Hello? He's still alive. George Takei. I go, Takei, what's up? Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. And I'd be like, are you sucking dick right now? Yes. Oh, he sucks. Yeah. I am. He loves it. Yes, yes. And I'd be like, are you sucking dick right now? Yes. Oh, he sucks. Yeah. He loves it. Wait, where's Andrew?

Why isn't he here? Where'd he go? God, we both, you know what's the problem with you and I? Yeah. We both have the same mental disav- That like, it just doesn't, there's no cohesive. Yeah, but that's okay. I like it.

Here's the truth, it's half the fan base, no matter what, because Andrew isn't here, they shut the pot off anyway. So there's really nothing I could do. I don't know, I don't know, I that's okay. I like it. Here's the truth, it's half the fan base no matter what, because Andrew isn't here, they shut the pod off anyway. I don't know, I don't know. So there's really nothing I could do. I don't know, I don't know. I don't think so. No?

No? Okay, well if you're still here, thank you. I think maybe the reverse would be true. Oh, if you, if... I know. I'm kidding. No, that's not true. Cut that out.

40%. Yeah. I do find it interesting that, can you cut this part out or no? Yes. Maybe. Oh, maybe. All right. So it's interesting that Andrew called me today and he's like, wait, because you're doing

this movie and then like you're going to Cobb's and this and that. It's like, you're not going to be in town. We got to back like go, oh, I'm sorry. When you go out on and doing things, right? I fill in with another guy, but he's never done that. He's never filled in with another person. When he went to Australia to do that fucking thing with the fucking good looking whites, you know what I mean? What's the George Sheenans? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hugh Jackman, Hugh Jackman, whatever it was.

You know what I mean? Whatever that Stakanaka. Yeah, George Snakanaka. What was that move? Sticky Nicky. Sticky Nicky. Sticky Nicky, dude. Yeah. When he did Sticky Nicky, I had to fill in four times or whatever, right? He's never filled in for me when I was on the road. Give me one episode. He did it with Little Dicky. Yes. He did it one time here with Little Dicky.

At the last studio. At the last studio. The one with Kaila. Yep. Oh, he did? Okay, well let's move on then. I actually think, I believe I even co-hosted one with Andrew when you weren't here.

Well then yeah, I've been mistaken. Yes. I've been mistaken and I'm wrong, then, yeah. I believe I did. I've been mistaken. Yes. I've been mistaken and I'm wrong. Yes. I want to think I did two episodes with him, actually. And then Andrew and I seriously started talking about how maybe him and I should just do the podcast. And we started texting you and you got very upset.

Okay, well, it's the next F50, anyway. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I got to put my hair to the side. But what we were talking about right before that, because you went from- Batman is bisexual, actually. Who? Or Robin.

Oh, he's bisexual. Yeah, I figured that. I can feel that, yeah, yeah, yeah. I figured that. Yeah. It's an interesting why another bird, when the writers were creating Batman, you know what I mean, why does it have to be a bird?

Right. You know what I mean? Because Batman's a bird, is a bat a bird? It's a marsupial. It's a marsupial. Oh, it have to be a bird? Right. You know what I mean? Because Batman's a bird. Is a bat a bird? A bat. It's a marsupial. It's a rat. It's a marsupial. Oh, it's not even a bird.

Am I wrong about that? You're right. Oh, it's not a bat or a bird. It's a mammal. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. I did not know that.

Bats are mammals. So they have pussies. Yeah, oh yeah. And they give birth to the pussy. Yes. Isn't that a trait of a mammal? Yeah. Right? I think so

do you know for sure no but it sounds right all right jamon we're gonna go back to jamon it's not a food then yeah that's not a jamon that's a bat but anyway yeah yeah so all mammals give birth through the vag yes right so the reptiles lay eggs Just fucking guy there's always one yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Why was a man without legs yeah, there's always a Caitlyn Jenner in the fun He does he doesn't look like he does kind of look like a woman from the future. Yeah, right? Yeah Like what a woman's gonna be in like 2075. Yeah, I look like so anyway, um, that's interesting

So aside from the platypus, what are these mammals that don't LA eggs or they do lay eggs? So give me a mammal that lays eggs Edginess, okay. Wow. What is that? Do you want to put that in a soup? Me yeah, oh because I'm Asian? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, when white people say like, they stuff like that, it really makes me mad because I'll tell you why. Right? It's funny though.

I know, but the thing is, is that, I mean, poor white people eat squirrels. Yeah. Right? It's like you're eating the things that are around you. Right. In your environment. It's not the Chinese are going, oh, I heard that Australia, there's a wombat. You know what I mean?

We're going to go there. We're going to eat that. You know, if a wombat was in their backyard, they would eat it. Right. Right. But they're not going to they're not like going out to like eat weird things. They're just surviving based on the land.

But we've evolved to like Burger King. Right. Right. What I want to say is that what is that thing called? This Acadena? Yeah. I bet you that meat is better than a burger, like a Big Mac. Oh yeah, like a, like if you ate, um, they were saying in, um, with the, in Wuhan, they were eating, um, what is it?

Pandalins or something like that. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what does Wuhan have anything to do with it? Why are you doing this, dude? I don't like this. You know, on TikTok, you know, you know, the hand gestures To have power over the room. Yeah. I know when you guys do that, so stop doing that. Because that doesn't work with me. Yeah, all this stuff that you're trying to do with your hands to grab like dominance. Like this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do this. I know what that means. Yeah, I'm kidding. That's okie dokie. Yeah, no, they eat these types of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that thing, whatever that thing is, is just all up in their trees and shit. Yeah, it's disgusting. I these types of things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because that thing whatever that thing is

Yeah, it's just all up in their trees and shit. Yeah, it's disgusting. I thought that was Jeremiah Watkins I know what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah, he has one of those he's got that nose that look I saw him yesterday He's great. He's an underdeveloped white. He is an underdeveloped Yeah, yeah, like there's a couple of he should have been been the oven for a couple more Yeah, when I say when I look when I see him every time I see him, I go seven months Oh, yeah, yeah, you know, he should have been in the oven for a couple more minutes. Yeah, when I look, when I see him, every time I see him, I go seven months. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, he went out seven months. Yeah, he goes, why you mean?

He tapped out. Yeah, he's tapped out, but he's funny. Yeah, well that's interesting. Yeah. Yeah, he is underdeveloped. But you know, you have whites in New York that are undeveloped as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I do think if you're gonna take an American white.

Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis. His face is underdeveloped. Underdeveloped. But his brain is developed well. But his face is underdeveloped. It's almost as if his face was in the womb for too long. Yes.

Yeah, he was baked for too long. It looks like, it looks like God. You know where his eyes went, you know, it started bubbling. Yeah, it's like God was making him and you know, he had like that soft dough, a beautiful thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just at the last minute, he just like that, right on his face. Oh, right. He just smushed it. He dropped it He's he dropped it on the oven. He just smushed it a little bit like that But he said but as he was going I said I feel bad He goes let me give let me make it a comic genius and went like that. Oh I get that he said his face is I fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, how about me? He forgot that I don't think that he forgot what? Sprinkle the sprinkle. Yeah on me. Yeah How about me? He forgot that. I don't think that. He forgot what? The sprinkles. The sprinkle, yeah.

On me? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry, Andres. You're saying I'm sprinklers? Yeah. Hey, fuck you, man. Yeah.

You think they forgot the sprinkles on me? I think, yeah. Yeah. I think he put you in a walk and he just. Yeah, yeah. I think with you, you know what I think with you, dude? Yeah. Is that he goes, I to make a good looking white.

Because sometimes he's in that mood, right? He says, well, watch, I'm going to spend five hours, right? But then he's like, couldn't finish it then he had to do something else. Maybe there was a hurricane he had to deal with. So he goes, hey, mom Joe, some guy that works there, he goes, put in the brain. And mom Joe went to the wrong department. He went to the right wrong department. Yeah. He went to the like the fat in celly. You know what I mean? Yeah. With the weird guy department.

Yeah. Maybe this one. Right. And he put it in the brain sent you down and then God was mad like what the fuck? Joe. Yeah. Yeah. You know.

Because then he came that once he puts you down the chute he can't take you back. Can't take it back. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. So now I'm stuck. You're saying with kind of a dumb incel brain, but. Yeah, but still bright. It's crazy. It's crazy.

Well, because you know, people that don't have the good look, you know a lot of comics that don't have the look. Yeah. Right? A lot of them don't make it, right? But they still have the brain, right? But then they, you know. Right.

What? Why are you saying right? I'm just listening. Yeah, but I don't even know what I'm saying. Why would you say right? Because I'm connected to you. Dude, we're so connected We are doing Joe Mon Joe Mon go back to Joe Mon. Okay. Let me take another guess of what it is You're saying it's not a food. Yeah. Yeah. Did you tell me what it was already? I think I did but what did you say? No, you have to okay. Do you not listen?

Okay, so I say it already. No. Oh, I didn't. Oh, okay. It's not cabbage bread. What was it? It was the people before. I did say it. I did say it. Thank you so much. I did say it. Oh, yeah, yeah. So they were the original people, but they didn't look Asian. Well, there's also a group of people called Yayoi. Which, no, really, Yayoi's, right?

I think they mixed together and they came out with I don't know ya You always date there. There we go. There we go. So the Jomon's are to the left. Does that look Asian? Yes, of course that was a left. Yeah, that looks more like I don't know like Kazakhstan Really to the to go to the left. Yeah that guy. Okay, the guy closest to Carlos is Jomon No, the one know the one close right? Yeah, Carlos is that's ya your way. No, the one closest. Right. Carlos is, that's Yayoi. Yayoi. Yayoi is gookie. Okay.

Yayoi. So Yayoi, so they're saying that the Koreans actually came from the first one to the left. A combination of the two. That's crazy. Yeah, that I don't see how that one works. Cause the one on the left just looks like Hasan Minhaj. I know that, yeah.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I thought that he had a Netflix one-man show, that guy. But then the Asian one, the Asian one, I could tell that looks like a very handsome young Korean boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks good. But I'm just wondering, that's probably over years of crossbreeding too, probably. Yeah, of course.

I mean, we all have a little bit of everyone in us. That's why culture to me is so silly when people try to defend their culture. It's like whatever your culture is today, it's because it was into your ancestors hundreds and hundreds of years ago by the enemy. So stop saying we're all just one culture. You and I are more, we are more Joma. I'm getting kind of into history myself.

And I realized that, you know, civilizations, the only way they can evolve is through war. That's it. You know what I mean, and conquer. Because then you absorb other cultures into your, and it actually improves, you know what I mean, a civilization. That's a Jomon.

That's a Jomon. Okay, that right there. Yeah, that kind of looks. That does. Well, that actually, to be honest with you. Like Steve Bern, like Steve Bern agent. I was just gonna say that. Yeah.

That's like kind of, that's a semi-agent. Yeah, yeah. And you can see him wear a suit and do political jokes. Yeah, yeah, like kind of, that's a semi-Asian. Yeah. And you can see him wear a suit and do political jokes. Yeah, yeah. Like that guy, I can see that. Whatever he's doing. That guy, I could see him. I don't know what the, fuck Steve is doing lately,

but that's what he's doing lately. That's what he's, yeah, I could see. A suit wearing, doing fucking politics. Politics stuff. Yeah, yeah. I could see him on TBS. That guy looks like he's. With this guy right here?

Yeah, it's a TBS space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he looks, but that's Joe Mon. He looks little too. He looks like a tiny little Asian. He looks um, but that's Joe Mon. He looks little too He looks like a tiny little Asian He looks like um, you know like the Russian dolls like how they have they've gotten smaller like you look like you'd be the top Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Let me say I have some at home. Yeah, it's a bigger one and you open it up And it's a more little how many how many openings am I? No. No, I'm saying we're start with you and then that little guy

Oh, I'm the big one. That's the, yeah. All right. Oh, so you open somebody, I mean, four openings. Exactly. Oh, that, wow. Exactly. Yes, that's what I think. Yeah, he's the little one.

He's the one you get to right in the deepest layer. That's really what, that's who you look like on the inside. That's who's always mad by me. But also notice. That's who makes the mistakes. But notice there is, based on that photo, what have we taken from that Koreans that are still like that? But notice there is based on that photo. What have we taken from that Koreans that are still like that?

That Koreans right? Still have. Still have. Based on that photo. The same exact facial hair as you? No, big head. We were big headed people. Big head, little body.

Yes. Yes. I find that to be very interesting. And you know what? There's no shame in that because Tom Cruise has a big head. little body. Yes. Yes. I find that to be very interesting. And you know what? There's no shame in that because Tom Cruise has a big head. He does. A lot of the male, like Steve McQueen, all of the male leading movie stars

had big heads and little bodies. And what's great about Koreans is they're a stinkless agent. Stinkless Asian. We've talked about many times on this program. They don't smell at all. They don't smell at all. You don't have a gene that could even make you smell. So that's not it.

And yet I still wear the cologne. But why? Because I like mysterious smells. Right. And I like when people walk by me and go, ooh, where were you? And that's not even a cologne they say. Were you at a war or like,

no, or like, you know what I mean? Did you, were you mining or something like that? Right. You know what I mean? What about cigarettes? When you smoke cigarettes, do you squat down as low as you can or do you smoke standing up? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Woo hoo. PDS debt. No one wants to think about debt,

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Okay. Like a detour. Okay. Yeah, Juman. Yeah, Juman to you. Yeah. Okay. What do you mean?

Because a lot of Asian people, what they like to do is they like to squat down as much as they can. It's funny. With their asshole as close to the floor as possible. Can I ask you a question then? Yes. Guy, right?

Could it be that there's no chairs around? Whatever the reason is, it's just something that they do. If there's no chairs around your place, would you squat down? No. What would you do, just stand? Yeah, I would do calf raises. I have Viking blood.

Or so you would stand, how about to eat? Still stand? I always stand and eat. Okay, why? Something like that. Digestion? Yeah, I like to stand up and eat. Okay.

Yeah, I like to. And then we do that. That's what it is, yeah. So that to me, if somebody said, Chris, I want you to draw an Asian person, that's exactly what I draw. Right. I wonder why that is, I've never really thought about it.

It's only the Asian culture, because a lot of cultures smoke cigarettes, but not only the Asians will squat down with their asshole hovering no more than an inch off the floor. As you can tell, we read that way too. But it's a beautiful thing, you have hip flexibility, Bobby, is directly related to longevity of life. So the more flexible your hips are,

which this man has got very flexible hips, the longer he'll live. Yeah. So you do have good hip flexibility. Is that a true thing? Mm-hmm. Flip, wait, flip, the longer he'll live. Yeah. So you do have good hip flexibility. Interesting, is that a true thing? Flip, wait, flip, no, hip flexibility. Hip flexibility. Hip flexibility.

I mixed up the two. Hip flexibility. Yes. Equates to longevity of life. Longevity of life because flexibility overall, they think that the actual key to longevity now is flexibility is the biggest thing. That actually is one of the root causes of health problems

is how stiff you are. Are you flexible? No, not as flexible as I can be, but I've been trying to do hot yoga. I've been trying to stretch every day. I've been trying to do core work. I've been listening to Andrew Huberman. I've been listening to-

Is he a good guy? No. Oh. I don't know him. You don't? I just listen to his stuff. But you know a lot of people. Not as much as I...

Let me ask you something. I don't know how much as... Tell, tell. I'm a little bit disconnected. I'm not as plugged in as you. That's not true. No, it's true. If you're doing a gig,

have there been like famous people that can't come to your gig? I don't get that. Not one time. Unfortunately, that. Not one time. Unfortunately, no. Not one time a famous person. Not very, I mean, unless I knew them before. Of course that, I mean, no one like,

I'm not gonna be on the road and all of a sudden, like John Cougar-Mellencamp is gonna go, hey, are you in Indiana? I know I don't know you, but come eat, you know what I mean, a pork sandwich. No, unfortunately, I don't have any, I don't- Yeah, because in Indiana, right, pork sandwiches are No, unfortunately, I don't have any. I don't. Yeah, because in Indiana, right? Pork, pork sandwiches are huge. Right. What do you call the tenderloin pork tenderloin sandwiches? So that when you laugh like that, dude, that that's a mockery of my own thoughts.

And I want you to stop that. Yeah. Immediately. Yeah. Okay. You almost killed us four years ago. All right. And I have not forgotten about that. All right, murder dude. Attempted murder. Legit. Legit. Yeah. So interesting to me.

But I never get, no, I never get any famous people that come, unfortunately. There's gotta be. One time where like someone that, anybody, how about comics? Famous comics. No, not really. I never get like the people who are,

oh, it's just so and so wants to come back to the green room and say hello. It's never happened to me once. Really? No, unfortunately. Something's never get like the people who are always just so and so wants to come back to the green room and say hello It's never happened to me once really no Unfortunately, something's not connecting with my comedy So aloof you have no idea what the fuck is going on no Bobby, I'm telling you I'm telling you something's not connecting I don't know what is I don't think I'm not funny, but something the general public is is looking at me and just saying no overall No, that's oh my god. That telling you sure no try to look at the numbers. When we were in Vegas. Look at my YouTube numbers. When we were in Vegas.

That's not the numbers. We were in Vegas right you were the one that goes hey let's go sit next to Jimmy Kimmel. Okay. I don't know Jimmy Kimmel. But he didn't he doesn't come to my shows. I know but you know him. Yeah. All right what are the celebrities you know then? Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah, I know about that. Chaz Palminteri. Oh, you see, I don't know Chaz Palminteri. Yeah. You've hung out with him.

Yes, Chaz Palminteri I know. He's a huge star. Yeah, big time star. Legend. Legend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, this was when I was going through my glasses phase. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate that guy. Really good. Myself I'm talking about.

I hate that guy with the glasses. Who else do you know? Who's that? I know, uh, uh. Now what's, when I ask no. Not really anybody. Okay, when I ask no, what is no? Like for instance, someone that you've met before

or is it somebody that's in your life? That's the confusing part. Because I've met a lot of people, but for me to say that I know them is a different thing, right? Yeah, like only people that I know, but for me to say that I know them is a different thing, right? Yeah, like only people that I know, Chas Pominteri. I know.

You've talked to him. We go to each other's houses, like Chas Pominteri was almost my little daughter's godfather. Oh, what happened? He got beat out? Yeah. Who beat him out? We had to, well, who beat him out initially

was Jasmine's uncle, Jerry, T.T. Jerry. Okay, okay. That's who beat him out initially was Jasmine's uncle, Jerry, T.T. Jerry. Okay, okay. That's who beat him out. Was Chaz upset about it? Well, no, because what we decided was, cause he's trans, so T.T. Jerry was actually the godfather and the godmother at the same time.

Oh, the double combo. We just did it once. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can get a double combo, that's good. That's it, yeah. So he's the godfather and the godmother. Wow, that's amazing. But Chaz, so, but Chaz is the only guy,

he's, I know, he's old school, he's old school. But he lives in your area? No, he lives about an hour away. Okay. But we see him on the weekends, we go pumpkin picking with his family. Oh, so close then? Oh yeah, my girl and his wife are like very close,

they talk all the time. Whoa. Yeah. Is Chaz, he's working a lot still, right? Sure. Yeah, yeah. Old school work, yeah, he's old school Hollywood. Yeah, he's one of the best. They just, he doesn't old school Hollywood Yeah, he's one of the best they just he doesn't have to like call He doesn't have a PR person he just walks up to like a night unusual suspects one of my favorite movies The bouncers Chas Palma Terry is known by almost every black person knows Chas Palma Terry and they love him He's their favorite amongst black people Chas Palma Terry is up there with their favorite white

He might be their favorite white person is with the blacks because Bronx tail. Yeah, he's like 20th and Asians Yeah, they don't really yeah, and he would be even lower if you if we dad He might be their favorite white person. With the blacks. Because bronx tail. He's like 20th on the Asians. Yeah, they don't. So he's a little really low. And he would be even lower if you. Dad, you know Charles Parliamentarian? Chas Pahlimentarian. They're not even close.

Chas Parliamentarian. Chas Pahlimentarian. Yeah. He wouldn't know. And you're like, are you even listening? I'm listening to you. Yeah. Right?

He doesn't know. He doesn't know. Yeah. And you would say. In fact, my dad couldn't say a lot of things. No. You'm listening to you. Yeah. Right? He doesn't know. He doesn't know. Yeah, yeah. In fact, my dad couldn't say a lot of things. No. You know, Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel Joke. Yeah, yeah.

Samuel Jomon. Yes, yeah, Jomon. I know Jomon. My people, you know, but he doesn't know much. He doesn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me another, what's a harder one? Benicio del Toro.

Oh, forget about it. Yeah. Dad, you know Benicio del Toro? Balala kam to toro.o. Oh, forget about it. Yeah. Dad, you know Beniso del Toro? Balolocam to toro. Right? No, not even close. My dad wouldn't even know, like, you know, I go, name me one Beatles song.

He doesn't even know what the fuck you're talking about. He doesn't know what it is. He's out. He's out of culture. Like, there's nothing. Yeah. Have you seen a movie? I never see a movie.

He doesn't know what any Wizard of Oz doesn't know what it is. Yeah. Have you seen a movie? I never see a movie. He doesn't know what a Wizard of Oz doesn't know what it is. Yeah. I mean, if I explain to you, I don't like this wizard, I don't like a lion. I don't like a tin tin tin man. I don't care. You know, he doesn't know. So what would he watch them? What did you like? That's the thing. Fucking nothing. In fact, when two weeks weeks before he died, right?

This is a sad story. I've never said this story before, but. But I never, but it's a different experience with me. You never go down the same river twice. What? So I'm saying, even if you say the story again, it's a different day, different audience, different, you never go, you never step in the same river twice.

But people do. No, but then, but it's flowing water. So you never, so it's technically a different. If there's a river by your house, you've probably been in there before. No, no, you step in. You know where I learned that from? Ancient Jomon-Prover.

Oh, really? Jomon. Oh yeah, well then they were dumb. Yeah. Because it makes no sense. But anyway, maybe not too, I wanna make, oh see, sometimes I exaggerate, so I wanna be. Be honest.

I wanna be completely honest. Be honest, be accurate. A year before my dad died. Okay. I would have to say,. Be honest, be accurate. A year before my dad died. Okay. I would have to say, my brother and I were in his house in Phoenix, Chandler, Arizona, and he was resorted, he's in a wheelchair now, can't walk. Okay.

Because he got hit by a truck ride or something? Isn't that, didn't something happen? No, no, no, no, no, stroke? Or didn't your grandmother get run over by a tank? Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, my aunt did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, nothing. Stroke? Or didn't your grandmother get run over by a tank? Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, my aunt did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

That's what you remember? Yeah. So then I think about it like in the shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My aunt got run over by a tank. By a tank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's what a weird thing to memorize.

Wow. That's what I'll tell people fun facts about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, the most traumatic in my family's history, you know but a year before my dad died, um, my brother and I were at home and um We were talking about music and he got I don't like music, right? I got you we're asking him questions about music. He doesn't know anything about it, right? Hey, I go have you ever heard a song and he goes

Sometimes I go out, you out, I see a hero, a hero in the outside, you know what I mean? In the mall, when I'm in the mall, you know what I mean? Because one of his stores is in a mall, but he doesn't know what it is, like he doesn't listen to it. To him it's just like birds chirping, or like planes crashing, you know what I mean?

There's no difference. So what would he do for entertainment? So my brother-in-law goes goes we want you to listen to this I put my little you know, I mean AirPods in his ear. We played him. That's the most like Universally, you know and it was tears in heaven. Hmm by Eric Clapton Right and he's listening to it And then tears starts coming down his face.

And he goes, that's beautiful. It was unbelievable. There it is. 80 years, never heard a song before. Right. It's like running into a primal, a tribe in some island, right? Yeah.

He has access to everything, but he doesn't, you know what I mean, that's basically who he is. Did you tell him what it was about? I said, yeah, Eric Clapton, get cocaine and kill this kid. That's not what happened. No, no, you know, actually, what happened? I know what happened. Tell what happened. So there was some sort of party or something at his house.

Mm hmm. This is already wrong. Yeah. There are people there, though. This is wrong. Go ahead. I literally Google it the other day. Okay, I'm gonna tell, okay go on. And then he fell off a window, out of a window. Okay, so the window part's right there. So no, what happened was.

Wait, first of all. No, but let me tell you the story first so you can fact check it. So what happened was is he left his baby with their nanny and they let the kid like used to run up and down the hallway like in his apartment building in New York and they lived on whatever, the 14th or 15th floor and the maintenance worker

had left the window at the end of the hallway open which was like a floor to ceiling window because they were like cleaning it and the kid thought he was running, he had always ran to that window and touched it and ran back and he just ran through the window. Wow, that's insane. Yeah. That's what it says online. Yes. Yeah ran through the window. Wow, that's insane. Yeah.

That's what it says online. Yes. Yeah, I was wrong. Yeah, that's what it says. I don't think I would, I don't think I'd ever come back from that. No. Would you?

No, I think, and then, but I think he did come back. I think he then just- No, yeah, he worked Tears of Heaven. I'm just saying me. Yeah, I think he- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he wanted- He did proactive things.

I'm just saying if it happened to me, he- Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did proactive things. I'm just saying if it happened to me, I think that it would- What? Best special. You would win best special. I would come with a great special. I don't know, man. I think you would.

It would take me years to even get back to any form of normalcy. But what would it take, like, if I killed one of your cats? Like, right? Like, what would be similar to that to you? Like who would I have to kill for you to feel that to kind of motivate you to write the special of your life?

Who would have to die right in front of you? Wow, what a question. Thank you. It would have to be a four man death. A four man? Yeah, yeah. Okay. For me to motivate me to make the best special in the world.

Like what, the producers in here and Andrew, everybody would have to hold back. No, no, no, no. It would have to be my brother. Okay. My mother. Okay. Andrew. Okay. And Kaila. All four of them. Had died simultaneously at the same time for me to go to feel completely lost. Right. Of like, Oh, I'm going to kill myself or I would definitely not stay sober. No, it would be too traumatic for me. Right. And I would probably disappear for a very long time. I had to go through a bender.

So I already thought about it. So I would liquefy. I would liquefy. I would sell my house. Because he secretly hopes it happens. No, I don't secretly hope that happen. I do the same thing. I hope I don't secretly hope that happened I do the same thing I hope I don't secretly hope it happens I hope everyone I just have a I just have like an out I know but you right so fantasy so I would sell my mom's house right maybe not sell mine I would let try to

lick like I have some other real estate I would probably sell okay I would get as much cash as I can right and I would probably get, I've never tried fentanyl. So I would just get like high grade fentanyl. I would get all the liquor in the world. We, it's just the whole thing, shrooms, acid, everything. And I would probably go into like a place like Butte, Montana cause I was just there. And so when I was walking around Butte, Montana,

I was going, oh, that's where I'd die. Right. You know what I mean? Like I found spots, like there's abandoned mines. Yeah, so I was just being in an abandoned mine, with my overalls, no shirt underneath it. No. Right.

And I know already that your nipples, you have strands of hair that come out of your nipples. Exactly, dude. And I would not shave them. No. They would be like out, just swirling around in the wind. I would have a bandana on my head. I'd put one of those football kind of black,

you know what I mean? Yeah, that one. Well, you know how Batman did, you know what I mean? Dark Knight, because he has to put the mask on so he wants this area to be, he wants this area to be dark. So I had no mask, I just have that with the bandana. I would look really wicked.

Awesome. And I would just party till I gave out, I think. So you're saying you wouldn't write a special. But then if I survived that. No, but then, but no, I'm just telling you what I would go through. Okay. And then it would be like, I think,

I wonder who would try to find me. A raccoon. Yeah. I think Andre. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, what I'm saying is, when I just said who in my life would try to find me, and you're fucking saying a raccoon would?

Yeah, I think Andre's would, I think Andre should be the one who would try to find you because he would see if you were still alive so you could do the ad reads. Oh right, right. Yeah, he would say that they need to. Well this would be over if Andro died, right? This would be over, Tiger Valley would be over. No, I don't know if it would necessarily be over.

I could slide in for half the price. Yeah, we would just. Yeah, I could kind of do it. I don't think I would be able to do it. I'd relocate, no issue. I don't think I would be able to do it. I think we, you'd pick up the pieces. But anyway, so if your three children,

your wife all died, right? Is that too much? Whatever, we're in it. We're in it, we're in it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, you know what I mean? They, them uncle. Yes.

Yeah, yeah. Came in, which is all, this is all. No, he's out, he's dead too. Okay, he's dead. Yeah, but he dies from other things. Right. I'll tell you that right now. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. 100 percent. Philadelphia style. But anyway, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Lesions, you know, saying, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And so what would you do? So I'm the I'm the cop. You're on the road. Okay. Hello, Mr. Stefano. Hi.

Hi. How are you, officer? Excuse me? Am I talking to Christopher Stefano? Yeah, that's me. How you doing? You're an officer. I'm Sheriff Wilson.

Hey, Sheriff Wilson. How are you? Yeah, I was at Ozark County. Oh, I like it here. Yeah, yeah. Yes. You look, I didn't realize that you were a sheriff in Ozark. I didn't think they like it here. Yeah. Yes. You look I didn't realize that they would that you were a sheriff in Ozark I don't think they did that here

I'm calling you. Oh This is not a facetime. Oh, I thought that you were physically no no no oh, I physically saw you Yeah, I know you're going to physically see you well I just thought because like I was like there would be weird if you're the sheriff of Ozark County and you're a small Korean man Yeah, but you would say that even if that was the case? Yeah, I think I would. Because I have a nice rapport with the police. Yeah, but I mean, why are you being racist?

Well, I think it would just be my attempt because I'd be very nervous to be my attempt. Well, then my explanation would be during the Civil War, even then some Chinese moved here. Right. To the Ozarks, right? Ninety nine point nine percent of people moved out, but my family wanted to stay.arks, right? 99.9% of the people moved out, but my family owns a state, we own a Chinese restaurant. Or maybe over hundreds of years. And my family's saying I decided to break away

from the Chinese food industry and become a sheriff. What's the problem? I decided to break away from the Chinese food industry and become a mayor. There I am, dude. Actually, yeah. See, that looks like, that's not full Asian though. That's half white.

No, that's full Asian. That's Jomon. No, that's not Jomon, dude. That's Jomon. No, the reason why he has to look like that. Right. Because if he doesn't look like that and he looks like me, he's dead.

Right. He has to assimilate as much as he can. A little bit. Yeah. He had to pre-push his eyes up. At night, he's just like this, with his fingers like this, trying to stretch them out. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? You know, remember in that movie? Clockwork Orange. Clockwork Orange, the little mechanism. Yes. The metal, you know, little mechanism. That's what he does. That's what he does.

Anyway, so anyway, hi. Hi. So, like I said, I'm Sergeant, Sheriff. Sheriff Wilson. Wilson, that's right. From the Ozarks. From the Ozarks, yeah. I'm sorry to inform you that your wife

and your children died in a fire. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Scary Times USA. And how do you watch it? Go to moment.co. slash bad friends. It's Thursday, October 24th at 6 p.m. We're gonna have exclusive merch available for it. So Bad Friends Scary Time USA. Dude, America, dude. October 24th at 6 p.m. PST.

We're live streaming it. So join us moment.co. slash bad friends. We'll also be hosting an interactive VIP after party after the show and Active patreon members can join the VIP after party for free scary times USA Yeah, yeah That's it where no what damn where your house sir, oh No, what damn where your house sir? Oh, I?

Would say and your and your they them all died no he died outside of the house from something else Right. Yes, okay. He was but there was bubbling so what I would do a bubble a bubbling bubbles on the skin You know it looked sexual you know yeah, it was it's a sexual vibes We don't even seen before, but he was just like, help me, right? And we just shot him between the forehead. You know what I mean? Because there's nothing.

That's it. Well, because the CDC had to get involved. Right. Yeah. Right. And it's, we don't know, you know, but it looked like some sort of- And we're not sure.

Yeah. A sexual disease, AKA like Ebola. Right. Right. And his dick was missing. It was terrible. And we have to be careful, and we have to be careful because he did die within the,

he did die in the property of a Korean person's backyard and they could eat him. They would eat him. Interesting how you switch that. Well, but some people, if it's in your backyard, they eat it. Well, it is true. Your neighbors are Korean,

and half his body was on the Koreans' lawn. Yes. Luckily, the Korean family did not eat him. Right, but the rule is in Korean law, if you die on my property, you are for- You know what, sir, it's very unusual to tell somebody that their three kids and their wife died and is more obsessed with the uncle

where his position of his body is. Yes, because my thought, because what I would immediately think about is like, you're a cannibal, but are you using chopsticks to eat them? I know, but I'm telling you that your wife, and your three children, that would not even be in here. Okay, so honestly what I would do, I would take a minute, what I would probably do, honestly, is I would probably do is because I wouldn't be able to live

more than an hour without them, so I would be like, I'm not gonna live anymore. But what I would honestly do, if I'm being completely honest, I would take it in, obviously be horrified, upset. I would say, I'm killing myself tonight, but would take it in, obviously be horrified, upset. I would say I'm killing myself tonight, but before I do that, I do wanna at least have sex one more time and I would get a prostitute in Ozark. I would honestly get a prostitute and then I'd get a gun

or any meat and then I'd take my own life. But I would have sex with a random prostitute one time with no condom. Okay, okay, okay, that's what you would do. Yeah, and I'd pay her whatever. Most people would have just called other family members and expressed their grief. Yeah, well there's nothing really,

my family's gonna help me, you know, nothing's gonna help me with that. Do you know that your friends could help you through that? Yeah. You don't think so? No, no, no, no, no. No, how could they, what could they possibly tell me that would make me better?

Well, I mean, can we just take it one day at a time first, I would say. I know, Chris, this is how you feel right now, and I can't imagine what you're going through. Right. But can you do it tomorrow? Have sex with a prostitute? No, no, no.

Oh. Yeah. And, you know what I mean, and. No, I would say, I would say that's, this is also my last night on earth, but I'm gonna go out and have sex with multiple prostitutes. Okay, okay, well, well, now there's two. Maybe. Well, honestly, if you want to just be honest with you, just because I know that I'm gonna go out and have sex with multiple prostitutes. Okay, okay, well, well, now there's two. Maybe.

Well, honestly, if you want to just be honest with you, just because I know that I'm dying that day, I would maybe get one male, one female, and just to feel it. Because even though I make a lot of gay jokes, I've never done anything gay like that. Well, that's interesting, then. Would you have sex with me, then?

Yes, I would. But you know what? Through the love that you and I make, it might want to make you live. That's true. I'd make you giggle. Yeah, because you know what it is, you look like you have, you and I make, it might wanna make you live. That's true. Because you know what it is. I'll make you giggle. Yeah, because you know what it is,

you look like you have, even though I know, you have a clean body. Like I bet you having sex with you is like, the inside of your body looks like a doll. That's, oh my God. Probably one of the nicest things everyone has said. Yeah, you have clean. Thank you so much.

You have a clean ass, clean everything. And that's the truth. Yeah, it is. Amen. And no hair on your clean. Thank you so much. You have a clean ass, clean everything. And that's the truth. Yeah, it is. Amen. And no hair on your body. Very little pubes. Hallelujah. No ass hair. Yeah, yeah.

That's a morbid thing to even think of. I'm so sorry that we even, I don't even know why we went down that path. Well, the thing is with you, when I'm with you, I'm just gonna kind of go where you leave me. Yeah, but I'm trying, but I felt like you left me there. I felt like you left me there.

No. Did I leave him there or did he leave? Yeah. What? Eric Clapton. Oh, we went from music, that's the thing with you. Yeah. Did I lead him there or did he lead? Yeah. Eric Clapton. What? Eric Clapton. Oh, we went from music, that's the thing with you. Yeah.

You know, we talk about one thing, right, and it goes into that, I don't know why. I guess I did lead you down there. What I like to do- Can we go back to Eric Clapton or no? I like to do the reverse rate, yeah. You lead the Trail of Tears and I follow. Yeah, yeah.

Whoa. Yeah. Is that a Vietnam reference? No, Native America. Native American, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is I am not. No, but I mean, you know. Yeah, yeah. It's whatever. No, no, it's. Native America. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, which is I'm not. I am not. No, but I mean, you know, yeah

Yeah, it's whatever. No, no, it's not just whatever It's not just whatever it was a tragic time. It was yeah Can you explain to me what happened at the Crusades? Cuz I don't know anything whenever like I talked to No, honestly, whenever I talk to people About religion and they go why don't you believe in God? I always say all the Crusades Just as a blanket blanket statement, right? And then they go. why don't you believe in God? I go, wow, he's like, oh, the Crusades! Just as a blanket statement. And then they go, oh yeah, that's right. You know what I mean?

And I just kind of move on. But I don't even really know what I'm talking about. It's the religious war, the Christians versus the Muslims. Oh, so is that what happened? That was it, big time. They fought a lot over ancient Turkey, the Christianity thought that their religion was the best, Muslims thought theirs was.

You know what the interesting thing is about- Who won the crusades? Nobody really knows. I mean, I would say really kind of the Christians, but I have Christian tattoos all over my body. I'm actually fighting in the modern day crusade. Wow, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and we're going up against the Church of Latter-day Saints tomorrow. That's our match. Oh, I'll be winded. Yeah, thank you. I don't know. But you know what was interesting is I read a book about it,

and they said that you would think that the Muslims, right, because you hear these things like, oh, it's a very racist thing right now, to be like, oh, you'll hear like, oh, Muslims, dirty, whatever, that's all such a bullshit. Bullshit. It's a racist thing. All the Muslims I know are clean.

No, no, because it's reverse racism because what would happen is actually the Muslims were so well, were so educated, so hygienic, they had science hundreds of years before the Christians were the Christians. Christians came in kind of gangly, disgusting. The Muslim people said that they could smell the Christian army coming from miles away.

Because they were dirty, filthy heathens where Muslims were high science, education. Astronomy. Astronomy, all that, Dancing with the Stars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They did it everything. Wow. Yeah, they had it all.

Podcasts. Yeah, what did the Muslims invent back then that we still use today? Without the Muslims, what would we not have? Algebra. Algebra, that's huge. The Arabic numeral, our numbers, Arabic numbers. Oh, okay, let's go.

Let's just zoom in. Yep, hospital. The Muslims invented coffee. Bro. Look at this. Every time I- Allah. Thank you, Allah. Every time I take a sip, I say praise be to Allah.

Yeah, there's another one. Algebra is huge. Hospitals, bro. Toothbrush. Dude, really? Disgusting teeth. Yeah, because look at the English. Deodorant.

Yeah, yeah. Smelling spices. You know what most of the wars crusades were over? Salt. Whoa. They wanted their, everybody wanted each other's salt. Clocks, bro, they invented clocks, bro? They invented clocks.

That's legit, dude. Optics, university. I haven't even heard of windmills. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Beheading. Beheadings are on. I've even heard of windmills. Yeah. Yeah beheading Headings are on there. Yeah. Yeah, that's good That's interesting crank. What's oh, yeah, the crank Wow. What is crank? Can I do a street drug? I know a little statistic I read the other day. Tell me a black kid invented

the door knob Yeah Did you know that that guy that guy invented the door fucking knob what the hell were they doing before they were difficult to open you mean but he made it you know and he made no money off of it he just wow yeah people just stole it from him. Like, oh wow. Stump it. I could have thought of that.

And just took it from him. That's very interesting. But that guy invented, what's his name? Osborn Dorsey. Osborn Dorsey, fucking. Invented the doorknob. Yeah. The Dorsey knob, they should call it.

Yeah, the Dorsey knob. Thank you, because I use doorknobs still to this day. Yeah, because every door was like a saloon door then, back then, you just have to push it open. All right. I guess. And he was able to find the little mechanics and little interesting ideas of that. That's incredible. Yes.

Yes, Osborne Dorsey, African-American man who invented the doorknob and the door stop in December of 1878. Well, door stop seems like somebody would figure that out. Right. Yeah. And he was born a slave. I mean, right? He became freed.

He became freed. He became a freed person. Wait, wait. He invented it while he was enslaved? He was born into slavery and then he says he became a freed slave. So I don't know what that means. Oh, and then after he was able to. Yes.

Imagine all the things they could have invented if they weren't slaves. I know. Think about that. Right. Like, you know, creams or whatever. Exactly. No, I agree. I think about that. That's not racist.

Sure. You can say it though, you're Asian. You can't really, doesn't matter. I don't know that Asians, even though Asians are the most racist pound for pound people, we whites get the worst, but Asians are, I mean, it's horrifying how racist they are amongst each other.

I don't know, I've heard that been said and that's really, there's no evidence to back that up. I mean, the, the what? I mean, the Chinese, mean the Chinese you know they came in and they Japanese came in and they were bayoneting Chinese babies and killing and they all hate each other they think the Koreans are you know well Koreans are the top China's the top one then then Japan then Korea then Vietnam then Laos right? I mean I don't know why there's a ranking but if I were if

well if you would if I were the blanket, I have my own ranking. If you want to hear the reason, come to our meetings. Oh, your white meetings. Okay, well, they explained to me why it based on the rankings. China's the number one. Why? Biggest, most populous.

But you're just basing it on geography, right? The size of mass. No, and people and- I mean, yeah. And how much real estate they own. Okay, but it's still based on the land, right? I want to get into like, you know what I mean, what they've invented and- Well China invented everything.

What? China was the one that- That's true. Gunpowder. Yes, gunpowder. Spaghetti. Spaghetti, yeah. Really, spaghetti?

Yeah, Chinese. Yeah. The finger trap. Yeah the finger trap Yeah, yeah finger traps a good one. Yes, it's a really good one. Yeah, what else do they have? You said? Warfare on horses Right Chinese. Yeah, they also invented What's the thing? Chariot? No. Plow? No. I forgot what's going on. I'll act it out.

How many people? Yeah, Rickshaw. Rickshaw. Yeah, thank you so much. Oh, they invented alcohol. That's a huge one. That's a big one. Dude, that's like one of the number one things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Noodles, silk. That's incredible. They. That's a big one. That's like one of the number one thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Noodles, silk. That's incredible. They said, oh, wait, I've said Chinese invented toothbrushes, too. I thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get down to that. Yeah. What is going on?

What's going on there? Come on. Claiming it, though. That's what we are made about. What? How do you know? Look at my teeth. Whatever. I don't know. Why would they do so clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so let's go to Koreans.

What do Koreans invent? Probably not much. Let's do Koreans. Let's see what they invent. Let's see, what do Koreans possibly invent? Okay, Pomp. All right. Infection control robot.

What, now we're gonna go, we're getting into the future. They're like, fuck the past. We need, everybody have infection? Yeah. They're like we'll fuck the past Everybody have the infection. Yeah, I mean we need a robot to do that. Yeah Braille Braille translation. That's nice. That's helpful. That's huge. Yeah software that predicts cardiac arrest, dude You know how sometimes you're watching a movie You go I wish this wrapped around Wish it wrapped around my whole body. They invented the wraparound movie, dude.

Smart classes reimagined. They didn't even invent the smart class. We are reimagined. That's insane. That's this software that predicts cardiac arrest. Oh, look at this one. Inflatable isolation wards. Really?

You know how isolation wards are so on the ground. It's so stern. They put you in an isolation ward and they push you down the river. Wow, that's incredible. We didn't really invent anything. A flexible screen TV. It's one of those things where we took other inventions and made it better. But that's okay.

That's what you're good at. Right, that's what you're good at. Right, that's what we're good at. Here are some, look, 5G smartphone, 3D hologram, recharging roads for electric vehicles, that's pretty big. Wow. Because I think that we only got into the game of that. J-Gon goo and automated self-striking water clock. What?

We invented that? Yeah. I have four J-Gon goo's, dude. I have four of them at home. It's like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. What? We invented that? Yeah. I have four Jingangus, dude. I have four of them at home. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That's good though.

That's incredible. Let's go to now, let's go, now this is great. Let's go to Vietnamese. Vietnamese. Because we're ranking the Asians, right? So. Yeah. Yeah, what are the Vietnamese in that? Yes. Let me, let's guess before. Trails. And by the way, just know what's going to happen You know what's gonna happen, by the way too,

is people are gonna say that you're allowing me, a white person, to make fun of Asian culture and all that stuff. All right, push pause for a second, all right? Let's talk about that real quick, okay? I wanna talk about that right now. Okay. I make fun of whites so much and their culture. I really do.

And a lot of my friends make fun of my culture, right? But Korean isn't my culture. I'm an American. I was born here. I have the same sensibilities as everyone else. You know, I don't know. I mean, I like the food. I do feel like when I'm around my Korean friends,

it does feel a little different in terms of like shared American experiences that we bond into. But I love you so much. I know there isn't a racist bone in your body. And what we do is it's healing for us. It's a pleasure to do what we do. I think it's healthy, you know what I mean? To out of love, make fun of each other.

And this is to me, not a bad thing. I think it's a positive thing. I think this is what doc workers did back in the day when like you had different cultures at a doc, right? And they didn't know each other's languages and they made fun of each other's mustaches or the way someone talked and they would all laugh, drink a beer at the pub or whatever and was there a way of bonding and so I don't think it's a bad thing. I don't think you've ever said anything racist and

you never said anything that's offended me and there are a lot of Asians that don't like what I do, a lot of them and they've told me, to my face, you know what I mean? Like you're a disgrace or you know what I mean? You know what I mean? And outside it's like, I don't feel that way. I do what feels right. I think that I would, I think I'm very funny and I think you're very funny.

And so can we wait and get past that? Let's make fun of the Vietnamese, let's go. Let's do it. Let's go. Yeah, let's go. Let's do it. Let's go. Anyway, um. Okay, so what did they do? Hand embroidery.

Let's go the first one. The ATM, dude. Are you sure? They said They said Du Duc Quang, a Vietnamese inventor, co-invented the ATM. Oh, co-invented. Who's the other guy? Why guy? Jew. Jew. Jew.

Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some guy that looks like Carlos. Yeah, yeah. The second is the conical hat, also known as the non-la. This hat is believed to have originated in Vietnam over 3,000 years ago.

What is that? Aliens, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a conehead hat. No, it's one of those flat hats with the little... Oh, that's, okay. Oh, that hat? Yeah. They invented that hat. They invented that hat. Yeah, yeah's one of those flat hats with the little. Oh, that's okay. Oh, that hat? Yeah.

They invented that hat. They invented that hat. Yeah, yeah, wow. Raiden from Street. Oh, there it is. That's incredible. That's a pretty cool hat. That is pretty awesome.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's a good idea. It keeps you, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The sun out of your face. It just looks weird. It does look kind of crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you could make it cool. Yeah, anyway, the locker wear. Yes. A natural product that has been made in Vietnam for centuries with pieces dating back to the fourth and fifth century. Okay. Okay. Hand embroidery, I mean.

Yeah, nothing. Yeah, yeah, what? Yeah, I know they never really done. This is why they're kind of not at the top of the list. They don't have anything, they're not reimagining anything. Well, the Bakhov antivirus is pretty good. That's pretty big. How many times have you had Bakhov? I have had Bakhov. And youimagining anything. Well, the Bakhav antivirus is pretty good. That's pretty big. How many times have you had Bakhav?

I have had Bakhav. And you're like, god damn, I'm gonna die and then they had the antivirus. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's good. Well, the thing, what's some of... Other things I've been about, these people include...

Vietnamese calligraphy. Yeah, but that's just, it seems like... It seems like it's... Yeah, because no one else uses it. Yeah, yeah, they don't. No one in Cambodia is going, I'm doing Vietnamese calligraphy. You don't do your own calligraphy. Yeah. Yeah, they know when in Cambodia is going I'm doing Vietnamese calligraphy You know, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So it yeah doesn't uh, Fong shading. I don't know what that is

Yeah, yeah, this is why then they're not there. They're kind of alright So let's put them right now based on what we see put them at five at five, but then we never did Japanese I'm sure it's a lot. Japan is two China's one. So let's go to Japan. Japan was two and Korea Well based on Korea though, I think we're like fourth Japan is two. China's one. So let's go to Japan. Japan was two and Korea was three. Based on Korea though, I think we're like fourth. No, well let's see what Japan invented. Let's see, zoom in, zoom in. Japan's a big deal. The electronic rice cooker, that's big.

You use that every day. Godzilla, that's huge. CDs, laptops, batteries, eye drop funnels, novels, selfie sticks. Robotics. I mean, Japanese are big sticks robotics. I mean Japanese are big dude huge emoji the QR code It's really is it the jet she's on my oh, yeah Instant noodles calculators. Oh my god, dude based on this. They're number one dude. You think yeah based on this They're number one. That's a lot

Happy faces. Hello kitty. Yeah, that's a lot dead They they are the more, glory holes is Japanese. Yeah, yeah, bullet trains, wow. Big. Walkman. VHS. Yeah, the novel. It's insane. It's insane, you would think the English.

I think, yeah, but it's them. And they're great because there's such a small island nation for, they're very, they were, my grandfather said, very difficult to kill. He would shoot them hundreds of, they would never die. He said in the war, just keep shooting them and shooting them and they run around. He said he'd go over there and hit them with, they'd hit them with paddles. Well, I think what you're basically saying is they're just bad shots. Right. Right. You get shooting, shooting, but they're just so quick. Like couldn't do it. Yeah. Missed me, missed me. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So they would kind of, and they're very, and they're,

and they're fearless. Yeah. what kind of white are you? Mostly German and then let's see German of German probably just gonna get the watch the inventions are gonna get bad Yes, the oven it's gonna get bad Yeah, yeah, oh you're gonna crush the game Germans are gonna be crushing the games all these things in not not great ways all right Yeah, I said We invented by school you questions again. We used all these things in not great ways. All right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Bicycles. That's insane. We invented bicycles.

You invented Fanta. Yes. That on there? Yeah. Fanta. Wow. Orange soda, diesel engine. Yeah.

Bicycles is huge. Huge. Huge, dude. Airbags. Yeah. Gummy bears to me is huge. That's big. Automobile.

Come on, look at that. I thought Henry Ford did that. Maybe he just did the assembly line. Well, who invented the car? I guess the Germans, maybe Mercedes Benz. No, who really, really? Who invented the car? Yeah, I want to know that.

We got to get the fact. We invented the Christmas tree as well, by the way. Benz, Carl Benz. So that's he invented the car. That's German. That's German. That's Mercedes Benz. That's insane. Carl Benz. So that's, he invented the car. That's German. That's German. That's Mercedes Benz. That's insane.

Carl Benz. Wow. That's insane. Well, good job. The Christmas tree is big. What? Christmas tree is a big one. Yeah, Christmas tree.

Dude. Yeah. I don't know though. German's big. I don't know if you can claim that. It says it right there. Yeah, I know. So you're the first people to put stuff on a tree.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it is definitely German holiday. Is Santa German? Yeah. Look, it says it originated in Germany in the 16th century. Let me see. Yeah.

Wow. I can't believe you're not coming to my show tonight. Yeah, I just have to do this thing, I think. You know what? You know, I'll tell you why. OK, I'll tell you why. Let's get it. Get off this. I'll tell you why. It's because throughout my whole life, I've been known not to go to think these events. Yeah, I'm not good at the socializations, the social aspects of of show business.

I've never been good at it. I've been called aloof. I've been called like he seemed weird. You know what I mean? I'm being real. I mean, that's the things that people say. We're shocked. Yeah, people go, I don't invite him because it's weird. You know what I mean?

Why? He just sits in a corner. I don't really talk too much. It's also, I try too hard sometimes because I gotta be cool, right? So it's just like, I'm not like, I'll interject into a conversation I shouldn't interject. Right.

You know, I'll give you an example. Last week we were in Vegas and I got, after my show with Bird, I got invited to Maroon 5. Great. And you know, we saw Maroon 5 and then backstage, Adam wanted to say hi. So I brought my friend John Park, dumbfounded,

and talk about embarrassing. This guy tried so hard. Like Adam brought up Korea and then John just stepped in. Well yeah, Korea, I'm legit in Korea, he says, right? And eventually I had to go, Adam, I'm sorry, he's trying too hard and I backed him out. I was like, wow. I go, shut the fuck up, dude, you're embarrassing.

You said that to him. Yeah, and then later he got mad, he's like, you embarrassed me. I go, no, you embarrassed yourself. But I understand how John was because that's what I'm like sometimes. Are you good at parties? What is he famous for in Korea?

Nothing. That's what, no, he was like, I know all the like legit restaurants and. Yeah. Why would Maroon 5 care about that? Exactly. Yeah. Binggaldur. Yeah. They're like, I don't care what the hot restaurant is in Pyongyang. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We don't care either.

Yeah. Yeah. Either anyone. Yeah. Right. But and I said, he likes you, John, just back up. Yeah. He's Trying too hard. Yeah. And then Adam laughed at that. Right. And he thought I was ridiculing him. Right. Right. But anyway.

But the truth be known is I was a little nervous because of being around him. Just being around that whole situation. Because, you know, you watch that show, it's like high. The highest level of production. Yeah. It's incredible. The sound. Did they the choreography? OK, it's incredible, the sound. Did they? The choreography. Okay, it's fine. It's fine. Yeah, it's fine.

That's the German's event of the fart. They did it? Yes. Yeah, yeah. I'm not good at parties, no. I try to, like today I have a show and then after there's people coming to the show, you know, it's LA, the agents, and I just,

I wanna run out the back door right after the show. UTA? WME. WME, and I just, I wanna run out the back door right after the show. UTA? WME. WME, okay. Yeah, yeah. So I wanna run because I don't like the social interaction because I can go on stage and do this all day for hours. But when it's the small talk, I don't know how to do it.

I don't wanna do it. I get very, very, very uncomfortable. Yeah, me too. I'm not good at it. Right. And yeah, it's unnatural almost. You were really going to town yesterday on that jalapeno cornbread and the brisket And yeah, it's unnatural almost. You were really going to town yesterday

on that jalapeno cornbread and the brisket and the mac and cheese. Why would you? You really just, no, because he had stomach problems all night. I heard him going to the bathroom all night. Did you really? I had heartburn. Could I be honest with you?

I didn't, so I ate a couple of pieces and my stomach has a instinctual alert system, right? Kareem's invented that. Yeah, I know we did. Yeah. And it's sort of like a queef out of your butt. You know what I mean? It's not a fart, you know what I mean?

But it's a queef out of your butt. It's like this, you go. Yeah. Yeah. And my butt did that and I stopped eating it. Smart. It's my system going, there's something wrong. And you didn't eat again for the rest of the night?

No, I did. Oh, okay. I had pasta. Right, so you just completely. I you didn't eat again for the rest of the night? No, I did. Oh. I had pasta. Right, so you just completely. I had carbonara pasta. You ignored the system. I did. And I had a difficult night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sometimes you ignore the system. Yes. But when you, when you, when you, did you keep eating? Does your body have an alert system? Sometimes it didn't, it didn't with that. Okay. Because I ate dinner.

I had heartburn, I woke up in a moment. You had heartburn, okay. Yeah, and then we ate big Italian meal just before we came in, then I fell asleep on Don's couch. Oh, that's interesting. So let me ask you about your experiences in LA. You don't like it?

LA? Yeah. I don't have a problem with LA at all, but I am absolutely, if you said, hey Chris, your career will get twice as big, you just have to go to LA more, or you just have to move to LA, I would say I'd rather just stay where I'm at

and just be in New York. Because I don't hate LA, it's just my whole family and life and me feeling at peace is all in New York. And then, I like staying in the original 13 colonies. Okay, okay, that's what it is. That's enough said and the well put. Yeah. Yeah, I agree.

Yes, I don't like it. Like for me, if you could tell me I will have a career from, you know, Vermont to Georgia, the original 13, I would like to do that. Really? I don't like to go too far west. This is way too far. This is to me, this is the Spanish.

This is not our country. Our country, what our founding fathers believed was the 13 colonies. And then Thomas Jefferson bought the Louisiana Purchase. He bought too much land. Yeah, yeah. That's not what we wanted. That's not what was agreed upon. So I like staying in the original 13. So if we would have stayed with the 13 colonies, what would have happened with the rest of the country thing? It would have been like no man's land. No, it would have stayed with Spain and

France and do you know Thomas Jefferson, the actual president of the United States at this time, when he bought the Louisiana Purchase, when they sent Lewis and Clark out into that big blue west, Thomas Jefferson, this is why culture and society is wild. Thomas Jefferson, who was the president, the sitting president, very smart inventor type guy, he believed and they were not sure if they were going to encounter dinosaurs or not. Really? I swear to God. Yeah.

In like Ohio and all that, they knew they were going to encounter hostile Native Americans, but they also thought there could be a Tyrannosaurus Rex out there because they didn't have any information. Oh right, they were scared. You're right. Of course. So that's what they thought, that they thought there were dinosaurs.

But see the original 13, so from actually, not even Vermont was an original, so from New Hampshire up to Georgia, that's my zone right there. That's where I like to sell tickets, that's where I like to stay. My family has fun there. We feel close.

But don't you like the way it's a little bit more space in LA? No. You don't like that? Space gives me anxiety. When you give me space, you give me places for people to hide. Ah.

I don't like that. There are places to hide in New York, no? No, but I know them all. Oh, you know the little cubby holes. I know them all. Oh, I see. Yes, and I think that for me out here, things get a little weird out here.

You get a lot of serial killers out here. You get a lot of people just alone with their thoughts out here. Things can move too slow. Yeah. There's a lot of isolation. We're over here, we're on top of each other. Yeah.

And the moments can be frustrating, but that makes us feel more connected as humans. And I like it more in the original 13. Yeah, because Son of Sam, let's talk about the killer. He was from New York. Yeah, that's the one you got me on. No, no, no, but that's only one really. I can't think of any other ones, can you?

Yeah, the Boston Strangler. Yeah, yeah, that's, he's a pretty good one. But the Son of Sam got caught quickly, no, or no? Son of Sam. So Son of Sam- He shot people. He shot people, and allegedly Son of Sam, they pinned it on him, but he didn't do all the murders.

It was a cult of people doing the murders. Oh, that's interesting tidbits. Thank you for saying that. Possibly. T.T. Jerry was in prison with Son of Sam and told us that. Wow. But you would have to admit though, the Midwestern and the Northern serial killers are the worst. The worst. Don't you think? The Midwestern and the Northern. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't, well, the the mid, like Milwaukee on, Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Casey, Chicago. Ed Gein, they're doing Ed Gein movie right now. Ted Bundy, Ed Gein, these are all like West, West where expansion is no good. Manifest, Destiny, I don't like that.

I want the original 13, that's all. I think we should go back, if the United States wants any chance, I say we get rid of everything besides those original 13, and people come and move to where, to the East Coast. We have the water there, we have the East coast. What do you think? We have the water there, we have the weather there.

What do you think of Cal exit or Texas exit? Like I'm for it. You're, you're, you're, you're for states getting removed from the, um, union, union, thank you so much for union and just having their independent own country. Do it. You think so? Do it. Because to me it's, it's, you know me it's the East Coast down in Georgia.

Oh, so what you're saying to me is that if Washington, Oregon and California got off and we were on our own country, then you did that with the 13 colonies? Right. That there would be a war, I think we'd be allies, no? We would be allies, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we would be allies.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because we would, yeah, we would be allies. Texas wouldn't be our ally. Yeah. I don't want Texas. I feel like our army would be better than your army. This, which arm are you in? The Asian army?

No, no, no, no, no, I'm in the California, Oregon, Washington. No, no, no, because somebody like Don, who's from Georgia, we have the deep South in the 13 colonies, they're the fighters. Yeah, but we have MS-13. That's true, yeah, but they're not legal. We still have them.

That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We still have them. Yeah. Regardless, I'd make them. They'll work for you. I'll make them legal, right? And that's a pretty good barmy.

Here, we throw out them first. Look at that, that guy did? Oh yeah, yeah, I don't wanna fuck with that guy. Yeah, don't wanna fuck with that guy, dude. Yeah, he has tattoos on his eyeball. Those guys are bad. They're pretty bad. Yeah.

Or good if they're listening. Look at that hand gesture. I can't even do that with my fingers. I know, I have arthritis. Yeah, I has tattoos on his eyeball. Those guys are bad. They're pretty bad. Yeah. Or good if they're listening. Look at that hand gesture. I can't even do that with my fingers. I know, I have arthritis. Yeah, I can do it. Yeah, but I think, yeah, I think we should think more, as Americans, we should think more about just going back

to what this was originally intended. I don't think so. It's never gonna happen. No. Yeah, yeah. I think it's fine the way it is. I think that we're politically polarized in this country like we've never seen,

but I think at the end of the day, we'll be fine. Just the thing is, what do you think this is any worse today than it was in the French Revolution when they cut the King and Queen's heads off? It's the same shit, just relax. Everyone needs to just fucking relax. That's what I'm saying.

Everyone thinks they're in the worst. Tell that to a World War II veteran that they're living in the worst time in American history and they're like, what? Yeah, it was. 400,000 soldiers died. Yeah, there's been a lot of points in American history and they're like what? Yeah, it was. 400,000 soldiers died. Yeah, there's been a lot of points in American history that was worse.

Sure. Yeah, I mean, the Depression was terrible. The Great Depression. The Great One. And that's where jazz came out. That's it, that's where jazz came out. And that's where, yeah. Can you name me 10 jazz musicians?

Nat King Cole. Not necessarily jazz, no. Edgar Allan Poe. Can you name me 10 jazz musicians? Nat King Cole. Not necessarily jazz, no. Edgar Allan Poe. Yeah. No, no. Hold on, Coltrane Johnson. John Coltrane, yeah, I'll give you that one. Okay, you ready for this one?

Yeah. B.B. King. Blues. Medgar Evers. But that jazz, Medgar Evers, yes. He didn't play anything, but he did like a jazz. Okay, here we go. Maya Angelou.

No, let's move on. No, no, no, no, hold on. You got nothing right. Ray Charles. No. Oh dude. Ernest Hemingway. Thanks for saying Ray Charles, I wanna talk about this.

This will wrap it up with this. Koreans invented Braille. Thank you. Yeah. Braille translators. Oh yes, that's right. Not even. They re-imagine Braille. I saw a documentary on Netflix. It's the greatest night in music. I think I know what it was called. Oh yeah, I saw that. You saw it. About We Are The World. We Are The World. And did you see it? I didn't see it. Oh my God. It's pretty sick. It's incredible. I mean, imagine getting all those guys in one night to stay in one studio.

Insane. Until five in the morning to lay down a track, right? After they went to the AMA awards or whatever. Yeah, something like that. Yeah, something like that, right. And the amount of talent in that room, but without Quincy Jones and Michael Jackson, right? Sure.

Dude, the funniest parts was when Michael Jackson was with Lionel Richie and they're at like Michael Jackson's house, right? And Lionel Richie's like talking about something and then all of a sudden he hears like a hiss. Oh yeah. Yeah, like sssss. Right, he goes, what the fuck is that? And then Michael Jackson goes, oh, there he is. He's been missing for so long. he hears like a days, I think. But it almost ain't Lionel Richie.

But yeah, but when you think of, when you see that documentary, you go, and you see him singing and stuff, you go, wow, he's so, you can just tell how talented he is. Oh yeah, big time. He was alleged, almost like he had autism. Yeah. But then there's some people in there. I don't know why they were in it. Like, like, uh, I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling. Um, like why was, uh, uh, Dan Aykroyd in it?

That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What is he doing there? Yeah. But you saw him in it. Huey Lewis. Well, he's a good singer though. Yeah. Huey Lewis is a good singer. Big celebrity. Yeah. But like- But the one person they couldn't, they almost said no was Cyndi Lauper. It's like, I don't know. Yeahy Lewis. Well, he's a good singer though. Yeah, Huey Lewis is a good singer. He's a big celebrity. Yeah, yeah. But the one person they couldn't, they almost said no was Cyndi Lauper. It's like, I don't know. Yeah. They're like, bitch, fucking Ray Charles is going, bitch.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. You go. Bruce Springsteen. Yeah, she's, yeah. I mean, a lot of these people, because they're just a little before my time,

I don't even know who they are. Well, yeah, you do. Was Whitney Houston, was she in it? Yeah. Okay. Mariah Carey? No, she wasn't around then. I mean, look at me right now. Do you know who Kenny Rogers is? Yes,, you do. Was Whitney Houston, was she in it? Yeah. OK. Mariah Carey? No, she wasn't around then. I mean, look at me right now.

Do you know who Kenny Rogers is? Yes. Yes, I do. Give me a song. No one to hold him, no one to fold him. Fuck her. Whoa, that was really fucking good. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Give me another one. Give me another one. Dionne Warwick. She does the. Is her name Diane Warwick or Dionne? Dionne Warwick does the tarot card readings. Exactly.

Bob Dylan, you know. He died in the plane crash. No. You know Bob Dylan, you're being jokey. No, I swear. You don't know who Bob Dylan is. I do know who Bob Dylan is, I've heard the name. I don't know one if it's, Let It Be.

What's one of his songs? Are you being fucking real right now? I swear, I'm not even fucking around with that. You're so dumb right now, dude. You're really upsetting this shit out of me. No, Bob Dylan, I'm sure, I know, if you ask me to pick him out of a lineup, I'm sure I know, I think I could guess which one he was.

Yeah. But I've heard the name Bob Dylan, but I don't know one of his songs. Okay, okay. Okay, so, but you know who he is, so you're saying. I've heard of him, but I don't know his song. You know Stevie Wonder, right? Stevie Wonder, yeah.

You Are the Sunshine of My Life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You Are the Sunshine of My Life. You Are the Sunshine of my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are the sunshine of my life. You are the sunshine of my life. I just called to say I love you. And then Lionel Richie. Anyway, what do you want to promote? Anything?

ChristieComedy.com. I got a bunch of stand-up dates up there. Some are sold selling well, some aren't. I had to cancel my shows in auction this weekend. I'm running into absolute ticket problems in certain markets. Like what ones? On this one, this one we could pick up the pace in Fort Worth, Texas, but that might be,

it might've happened already. I think it's gonna be good. New Year's Eve in December, Phoenix in December, I will be in Phoenix, Arizona. Stand Up Live? Stand Up Live, and then New Year's Eve in Miami Improv. Stand Up Live? Stand Up Live. I love that room. And then there's even Miami Improv from December 28th to the 31st. I just like doing my random weekends, you know what I mean?

But you're still away a lot because you do the movies. Yeah, but I would do different things, you know what I mean? A variety of different things. And then me and Andrew are gonna do Australia and Singapore, but you know. Australia's the lowest white. I know, but they're my favorite. And you know how I know they're lower?

Cause they're the girls that really hit on me a lot. They love you. On Instagram. They really do. Like the hottest ones go, when are you coming, baby? You know what I mean? I don't know if that did actually. But anyway, thank you so, thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you. That was great, dude. Woo, yeah. Woo, though.