Bad Friends - Black Monday w/ Erik Griffin

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

New Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com   Thank you to our Sponsors:  https://www.doordash.com code: BADFRIENDS2021 &  http://upstart.com/badfriends & http://buffy.co code: BADFRIENDS & https://bluechew.com code:BADFRIENDS YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriends More Erik Griffin  Riffin with Griffin: https://www.youtube.com/c/ErikGriffinPodcast Instagram: www.instagram.com/erikgriffin  Twitter: https://twitter.com/erikgriffin Tickets and More: http://www.erikgriffin.com  0:00 Andrew's Tour Dates  0:40 It's Black Monday  4:44 Bobby's Ugly Picture   15:18 Sophia Urista's Wet Rock Concert  17:04 ASMR with Doc  24:45 Erik and Doc's Acting Scene  33:00 Bobby's Grudge Against Rudy  41:50 Erik's True Feelings About Bobby  50:16 Bobby's Film Review: Titane  58:50 Women Responses To Doc's "I Want A Little Black Magic" More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andres Rosende & Pete Forthun This podcast episode was sponsored by Candy Crush Sponsorships: on for this episode Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Andrew Santino of Bad Friends. It's Black Friday, and we're having a Black Friday sale. Buy one thing, get anything else in the store, 25% off. BadFriendsMersed.com. Go to BadFriendsMersed.com, buy something, get 25% off anything else in the store. Happy Black Friday. Hey Bad Friends, I'm on the road. Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. I'm gonna be in San Diego. Then I'm gonna be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Then I'm going to Arizona, Phoenix. I'll be there for New Year's Eve shows. And then in the New Year, I'm gonna be in D.C., Atlanta, Albany, Seattle, Portland.

I'm jumping all over the place, and there's more dates being added. Go to AndrewSantino.com for tickets. AndrewSantino.com for tickets. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. Bad friends.

Let me say this. Welcome everybody to the Black Monday sale. Dark night. This is Black Monday. We don't do Black Friday. We do Black Monday. Is it Black Monday? Oh, fuck it. It's Black Monday. It's Black Monday sale. That's what, what's up, Don? Hey, you feeling good on Black Monday, Don? How about you play Black Monday in the house, Don?

Give me some skin. You want to raise the roof together or what, Don? Security. What's going on? What's going on with you? You come in with such rage and anger. Can I get a second? I just parked. Can I get a second? You just put me right into the fire? Go ahead. God.

What is it? I want to squid games this fucker so bad right now. We talked about which one we would lose at. Which one do you think you'd lose at? That's squid games. I'll take all of them. No, but would you make it past any of those things? I don't know, dude. The cookie carving one, I think you might be able to do.

You know what? No, no, no. No, you took that the wrong way. You took that the wrong way. Dude, I've always thought that you were- There was a cookie carving one? The one where they had to scratch out the sugar sugar. You were a clockmaker. That's how skilled you are with your hands.

A clockmaker. Yeah, you have that vibe. You know, I didn't- Like a keymaker, kind of a- I didn't understand why if the glass thing can hold two people, like, why didn't they just, you know, swing with something, the littlest person, you know, boom, if that one breaks, yeah, boom, that one breaks,

and then now we can all go. Like get their arms and their legs in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't know what the game is, right? They knew what that one was. It said it can hold two people. It did say that. I know, but under the circumstances and the stress of it,

I just don't think- Yeah. You would have been that guy in the front that was like, I'm not gonna move. Yeah, I'm that guy. 100%. Which one am I? No, I'm the guy, I'm the-

Oh, you're the bastard guy at the end, who like turned on everybody. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty sure of you. Yeah. No, I'm the one that- I would take somebody down with me. So I'm like that girl who-

You're the girl. The girl. He's the girl. The girl that grabs the guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're getting fucked in the bathroom. Like if I ever get- If I ever get-

He goes in there for a smoke, too. He sneaks away for a smoke just to get fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the big gangster. I think, dude, I think as a male, as me, I think I probably would do something like that. What? Fuck a guy?

Because I don't want to die? I don't want to die. That's the number that I'd rather never die. Right? So I think I'd make decisions based on survival and I think that I would definitely- Oh, fuck that guy with the tattoo on his neck. To get-

You turning on your friends? Yeah. I would turn on you. You just looking out for you? No. Yeah. That would be Bobby- Bobby's special would be called turning on your friends

and him just facing- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looking like this away from the camera. Yeah. Putting your back out. You know what I do with the- What's it called? What?

The tug of war? Tug of war. I would just tie his whole body to the end of it. Like an anchor, right? Wait, wait, wait. And I would just lay on your stomach. Wait, hold on a second. And you would just lay there as an ankle.

I think that's what I would do. And then you'd hear- Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Oh, shit. Real talk.

Real talk. Please let him know. This is the fucking same old show. Real talk. Real talk. That's the dog hair on over there. You just as fat, okay? Yeah, I know.

I'm just saying what I would do. Would you do that if, like, under the circumstances, I would just be like, Eric, get to the end. We're going to tie it around your body. You're actually the old guy. You're actually really the old guy who did all this. And he's going to die in a bed. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, you're a psycho who planned all this chaos. He's a psychopath, yeah. The whole time, just a toy with people. Yeah. That's what Bobby would do. If he got all that money, he would just puppeteer chaos like that, if he was that rich.

No, I said, if I wasn't that sure, I would have died in the van. I'm the way there. That's right. Yeah, you did say that. Yeah, just from claustrophobia. Griff, where'd you just come back from? I texted you. Where were you?

I was in Tampa. I used Griff's phone number to get free Wi-Fi on. Yeah, and always no, too. I always know. Wait, wait, wait. Like, I get a text message on the go-go flight thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if you're in a T-Mobile, you get free.

If you're T-Mobile, which is no one I know other than Griff. I got a T-Mobile. Oh, is this, what are you talking about, size-wise? Okay, so. I think you look good there. All right, no, no, no, fuck you. I think you look good. So, no, no, fuck you.

You and I are in a text stream, and somebody sent this to us. And it looks good. And I went directly to the store, and they go, delete this photo. Why, you look good. And they still haven't deleted it. What's wrong with that? I look like I'm dying right then and there. Like, everything just imploded in my body.

And that's it. That's the second before. You know, it looks like he took a really hot shit in his butthole. It was burning. And he's trying to pull his pants up, like, ah, my bottle. You know, when a pastry chef is piping out icing out of a bag, you look like an icing bag, 100%. Oh, for sure.

But there's, like, mustard in it. No, you know what that photo looks like? If I was the Boston Marathon runner, and my bag exploded, like, prematurely. What? So I'm about to play the fucking bag, right? So fucked up. And I'm like, so fucked.

Yeah, they do this a lot, though. They take such bad photos. I had to hit them up about one, two. I was like, dude, you had to pick the worst picture of me? Yeah, yeah. No, so it's so funny. Some of the photographers there do a great job. Pam does, like, they do good jobs.

And then sometimes they'll pick. I'll see the photos. I'll go, yo, those are dope. And then they'll pick the one that I go like this, where I'm going like that. And they post that. That's because there's a comic working that. Well, I know who runs the account.

That's why. So wait, what was up in Tampa? What'd you do? Side splitters. How was it? It was all right. Why just all right? It's just all right, man.

What's a side splitter? I think a lot of these places, like... You never played Tampa Club? I played the sides... Well, no, the Houston Club, improv, used to be in the old, old side splitters. You ever see play that club? Was there a side splitter in Houston?

It used to be, yeah. You walked in and the lobby was trees. But not just trees. Like Rainforest Cafe? Exactly, but they had the trees inside the building. Right? And on the walls, it's all branches and trees. It looked like a cauldron.

What's a cauldron? No. What is it? You mean a dungeon? No, it looked like a... What's a cauldron? A cauldron is a witchbrew thing, like a bubble. They would make a cauldron.

That looks like a place where they make cauldrons. There's double, double, toil and trouble. That's a cauldron. That's a cauldron? Look, that's a cauldron. We have one at the studio. It looks like the club used... Fuck it, man.

It just looks like it was a cauldron factory. Say it was like Rainforest Cafe. But Houston... It wasn't. It was darker. It was fine, though. Anyway, let's go back to sidesplitters. It was fine.

Florida crowds are... I mean, look, and they don't have to do vaccine shit down there, do they? They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck down there. It's wild. Florida, something happened to me in Florida. The first thing that...

The first time it has, and it'll never happen again, was that I did a double before Kala. You had a threesome? No, I made love to two girls in one night. Before the show, after the show? Both after the show. Like it was like a... You come...

This time, you come at this time? I feel like crying, just thinking about it. Because you're emotional, you miss it? Could you miss it? Yeah. It was just a miracle from God, I think. How did it happen? Okay, so I met a...

I don't know if I see... What does it matter? A teacher's daughter. A what? A teacher's daughter? Oh, he's not gonna... You think he listens to this fucking podcast? She was not a one hurdle listener.

She was really angry at her father, I mean. You know what I mean? I'll go fuck a fat Asian guy, dad. How about that? Can't tell you something. That maniacal laugh I hear coming from the other room is the best. Fancy? Hey, hey, hey, Tits, what are you laughing at?

Oh boy, here we go. He's talking to you, Doc. Oh, I'm over here just in my phone a little bit. My bad. I didn't even know. Y'all was talking on the side. Wait, is Doc here? Jules is really running off on you.

What? What? Is Doc out here doing the cars? He's doing the parking cars. Hit him, doc. Hit him back. Hit him back, doc. Hit him back, doc.

Hit him back, doc. So anyway, one of the girls was a preacher's daughter. Yeah. And the other girl was, what happened was she left my hotel and I met another girl, a college student. You were outside smoking a cigarette and a girl walked by. No. She had exchanged mine.

So when I was with the preacher's daughter, I had exchanged my numbers with another girl and she goes, I mean, I left my group. Where are you at? Where are you at? So I went to the, looked at the preacher's daughter. You got to get out of here because I have to do radio in the morning. She left and then when the elevator reopened, it was the other girl. Wow.

So it was like, one of those nights. That was magic. Yeah. And then a little viseen drop came out on my pee pee. That's all you had in there? That's all I had left in the front. For the second one? For the second one.

No, no. The first one. The second one. Well, the poll is who's more disappointed? Second one. Blood came out. What? Who's more disappointed is the poll.

The first girl who got, you know, all of it. There's a lot of protein there, dude. I mean, it's like, you know, you guys are probably so excited. Oh my God. You're probably so excited that you just. Yeah. I was excited. Two pump.

Yeah. Two pump for sure. Has that ever happened to you? What? Two girls in one night? Yes. Okay. Sure.

No, you don't want to hear? No. It was Indianapolis actually. Was it? It was Indianapolis. That's after helium. Or do you crackers? Crackers.

Yeah. What's that lady's name? I love that. Cracker. What's that lady's name that owns crackers in Indianapolis? I love her. God, I see her face. I love her.

Ruth Ann. Ruth Ann. Ruth Ann. Ruth. Yeah. She reminds me of the lady that owns the funny bone in Nebraska. Omaha. I never did it.

I never did it. Oh my God. You got to play Omaha, Nebraska. Because the lady that runs the club is like 1960s, like rock. Like she loved the stones. But she still has that energy. Like she used to go to shows. She'd pee on somebody like that, rocker chick.

Yo. Whoa, what? Have you seen that? Have you ever seen that? I like pee. We have that. Show me the pee. Yo, this chick is like a hardcore rock star.

What, Doc? Parental discretion is advised. That's why he's here. Hey, you'll learn about Doc. Doc's greatest contribution to the show is bearing whatever he's saying underneath whatever someone else is saying. We'll be talking. He'll just throw it underneath and I'll have to stop.

Well, before we even get to this, the peeing. I love peeing. No, you have to see this clip. Can we talk about his tits hat first? Go on. What? It feels like you, it's like a guy who doesn't get any girls buying a Ferrari. Oh.

It's like weird advertising. Like a key chain. Because if you can buy a Ferrari. You don't wear trucker hats. You don't think I'm projecting good energy? I'm not bringing the pussy. The kid likes tits. What's wrong with that?

That's your favorite out of the body. You would say the tits is the most important. They're nice. I know. But is that your favorite thing? I know they're nice. We all love it. My ass man.

Do you think they're nice? Oh, there you go. Why don't you wear an ass hat then? Because then it would be like you're an ass hat. You know what I mean? Oh, that's right. I'm trying to show our care. You see what I'm saying?

It's the whole package. Oh, wow. I just want to like to know the reaction of, Jules, you see this. You walk in, you're in 7-Eleven and a dude walks up and he's got a tits hat on. Are you like immediately like, ooh. What's your first thought? What's your first thought? I'm sorry, Doc, but it looks stupid.

There we go. That's America. That's definitely America. You can take it off, Doc. Take it off. It was in the studio. Did you write tits on there yourself? It was in here.

It was in here. You know who's hat that is. Oh, yeah. Pete. That's right. Pete, when he leaves the house, when he leaves his wife and kids, he's like, hey, give my tits hat in the car. Yeah.

And he drives here and he's just so excited because he can say stuff like that out in public when he's not at home. He does have great tits. Doesn't the Pete have great tits? The best in this studio. It sweats so perfectly, like proportionally. You know, sometimes when the tits sweats, it's only like in the tip of it. Do your tits been sweating lately?

Oh, yeah, man. Dude, in Mexico, the funniest tits sweat he had when we went out to dinner. I mean, it was like a little crescent moon right under your little titties. But that's because we bombed? Yeah, that's true. Yeah. That is true. When I bombed in front of 800 people, I get like crescent moon tits sweat.

Oh, my God. If you were there at that show, imagine him on that stage. Oh, yeah. Because he got big titties. Here's the titties. Really, Doc? This is one in here. Wow.

This is one in here. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Thank you, Doc. Black on black crime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I like. Black on black crime.

Don't let these two do this to you. This is what they do. White people have been doing this for years. This is great. This is why, you know, Martin Luther King and Malcolm X didn't get along. There's two motherfuckers like this. Yeah, yeah. Two motherfuckers.

It's Hoover. Hoover. Hoover. Hoover. Could you imagine I go up to Malcolm X and I'm like, listen, I don't know if you've heard, but, you know. That's how they talk. My friend, my friend, Wang, my friend, Wang over here talking the truth.

Yeah. Tell him what I'm okay. He thinks about him now. Is that what you think we're doing? We're trying to pit you guys. Yeah. I'm a minority. Yeah.

Not right now. Not really. No, you guys are on the way up right now. I'll feel it. TV shows, films. Oh, sure. You know what I mean? You're doing too well.

Yeah, yeah. So he does have big tits. I'll expand on that. You know, they supple. You don't mean like they don't. Doc. What the fuck you want me to say? You got tits.

Nothing. Nothing. That's what I'm going to say. I was trying to graduate your tits to a nice level. Yeah. All right, enough. I want you to see the video. Bob.

All right. So this chick, what's her name? Bill Bow Baggins over here. Who are you talking to? Fucking shit. A dude who talks. See, when you say stuff like that, he thinks that's him. I know.

That hurt me for something. You got to be careful. He just called me Dildo Baggins. Where'd he come from? Bill. Yeah, Dildo Baggins. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's Dildo.

She's a rock star, lady. So I'm going to imagine I bought tickets to this woman's show. Yeah. I have all her albums. Yeah. I cannot wait. I got Front Row. This is great.

She brings a guy on stage. Yes. By the way, mind you. Contact. This guy wants this. This is not. This is not. Oh my God.

I can't believe that happened like when... Yeah, he said nothing about him. No. This is all about her. Yeah. Let's see. Let's see. Check this out.

He's laying down. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. She has to go to the bathroom. She has to go to the bathroom. Really bad. Yeah.

Really bad. Oh my God. I mean, it's unbelievable. By the way, this is not just like, I got a little tinkle. This is like when the hose... You know when you open the hose after it's been kinked? Yeah, yeah. This is just like, after you untangle the hose.

What is it? Watch this. Ready? Oh, you'll notice. You'll know. Yeah. She's getting ready to load up. I mean, on his face.

Look at that spray. Yeah. On his face, this idiot. What percentage of that liquid is pussy juice? I mean, look, he's shaking his head off. Yeah. But then he's smiling. Is this all you're in?

I mean... I mean... There's no lubrication juice in there? No, there's some. And look, he's pumping his fists as she goes away. Oh, wow. This dude's amped the shit. Oh.

Yeah, he's not the problem. No, no, no, no. No. Yeah. No. That's just a lot. Have you ever had somebody pee on you? No, but I've watched porn.

Were they pee? Sometimes I'll put in pee. What? Don't you do that in your show, Bobby? Hey, that's rude. It's a big close fucking rude. That's the closer? The closer gets a big laugh.

Thank you, Baltimore! Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's like, it's like this, though? He's like... Yeah, thank you, Baltimore! Thank you! You got more fingers? Thank you, Baltimore!

Thank you, my dick. You think my dick is small? Nah, we know it's all right. It's a good size. It's been out there. Thank you. Thank you. Well, look, let me say this.

Since we have two POCs in the room, I'm not... I don't consider you a person of color. Why? Because you're just not. I am. You're just not. Bro, it's like... It's so funny because in the KKK, would I be able to join?

That's right. You're asking the right guy. Yeah, yeah. Would I... They don't have no Kung Pao, Bobby. Yeah, there's only... Tell me. That's the fucking guy.

All right, well, Doc is doing like ASMR. You know what I mean? You know... Kung Pao chicken. Yeah, yeah. I'm the DJ Khaled. You know what ASMR is? No, what is it?

It's when people whisper into the mic. They turn the gain up real high and they whisper and they touch the mic or they'll have like, somebody will be hitting their phone like this. Or cutting something. Like cutting styrofoam. I love that, yeah. I do love it too. I do love it.

Well, I sometimes I go at night three in the morning and I just put it on YouTube I'll have a girl just start chewing something in my ear. You like that. Oh, yeah, it puts me right out Really? All right, what is this here? What is this? All right show the pickle video show this girl. She's famous dude. I can't believe this has 37 million views So people like to hear it opening here out. It's like so the gain is like really high. Yeah, so you can you hear every little thing That's what they can't hear right now. They put those those on She's showing the pickle jar there. Let's just get to her eating one. It's all she wears this bright red lipstick and People like this. I love this dude. People love it. I can go to sleep right now. Oh, yeah

Oh, I love it. This woman eating is just so I cannot stand that people eat and listen. I'm cool like cut. Oh All right, all right enough enough enough enough Jesus Christ, I can't take that. Oh my god How do you like that Bob? I don't know I mean, it's it but does it turn you on or it soothes your soul. It soothes my soul It it it I think about other things than whatever is going on in my mind Hmm. So I don't know. I just focus on the sound, you know when people are ripping things up or going I like the scenarios where they go. You're in a new space station Put your ID code in this hand thing and you put your hand there. I act it out. You do. Yeah, so I go, okay

Right, and now you're sitting in the lounge and your ship is gonna take off in 2300 hours, right? And I go and I respond I go, okay. Thank you. Can I sit here? Yeah, you know I do my own dialogue, but she doesn't she doesn't answer you back. No, no, you're just calling out the boy Five nine like I respond right though. We don't have a big dick. You know what? No, but it's in the scenario It's a scenario a legal dwarf. You know what I mean? Well, wait stop that stop Oh, honestly, if I'm almost legal dwarf. Yeah, what the fuck is he dwarf? He's worth legal legal. He's legal dwarf. He's got a license at the Shire

If you went to the shark you wouldn't turn any heads like Is there black is a black hobbit wait are the black hobbits I don't think they would go back where you've been see if there's any black hobbits. I don't know. No, there's not Lobbits Doc shows up like oh my god, what were you in a fire? What happened? Door that I want Andrew when I'm on the road and I'm even in LA If I'm in Hawaii, I use door dash. It's my number one food delivery system by far because they have the most options they're the most precise and they're very nice people and

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Or maybe they have a new like that. Maybe they have an urban community called the dire the dire like dwarfs But like the wire. Yeah It's like they're like Doc's a criminal door. I love that. So I do That is good. Oh you want to be in it. He just wants a role in something Doc we could get you in that the problem is we don't even know if doc can act. I think you can yeah I'm good. I think I've done serious. Have I done scenes with you before? No You don't know how do you know I don't know I did a scene with Griffin. Did you guys do a scene together? Yeah, what was that? Oh, that was Brett Ernst's comedy special. Yeah, what is that? What did you guys do?

He liked like one of those little intro things. I was like the principal of his school Oh, all right, you know and he was like he was like a young young Brett and what he played like He was a janitor. I was a 12 year old. I was supposed to be a 12 year old grown-ass dude Who looks who's 12 year old who looks grown as fuck. That was written for you. Well, that's a funny joke. That's a funny joke And what was your line? Do you remember my line was cuz he was sitting at his desk on YouTube? It is bring it up I want to see it. Oh, let's see you're acting on YouTube. Yeah, and we'll give and we'll give you a one-to-five What's a call Griff? Cuz he actually released it on YouTube. It's just Brett Ernst Brett Ernst special look at Ernst You are an E-R-N-E-R-N-S-T. Yeah, you're an ST

Next Oh my god, how old are you? I'm 12 Now what you want with the latte I Seen stealer 100% seen stealer. All right, wait, can you back up and just freeze frame on doc? Just pause it on doc. Yeah, that was a shock Cuz I've never seen you wear what without glasses. Oh, yeah You know, you can tell he can't see shit

They were like doc, you're looking right here. You're looking right here, but He's down on the floor What because doc looked 47 right here Fat six seven years ago. Wow Jesus Christ You look good, dude That's so funny because I forget after all this time of knowing you when you had a mustache for as long as I've known you And then now gone never I haven't like here, but it's just connected to I know but it's the face is remarkably different When we when when you met him he had the mustache. Yeah

Yeah, when when's the last thing you were shaved never I never should I think I did once on this show for a bit And it was bad. I look weird now with shaved when you got rid of all your if you get rid of everything Yeah, I look weird. I don't look like myself. What's his name on billions did it too? Who for the second half of billions of geometry? Oh, Paul Gmi. He shaved his face. Oh, yeah It's crazy. Yeah, it just doesn't look like the same guy like bring bring him where you shaved on undatable When you did the episode on undatable, I didn't do undatable Yeah, okay. No, thanks doc. Well, I'm sorry. That was Real that's a doc moment

Were you how do you even yeah, are you on that show? I was an extra on there? I thought you would did an episode on undatable. He was doing the exact same thing. He was sitting at the bar Or he was Look at what he was going on and he would just say something in the background And and it was it was while somebody else was talking. Yeah, what what? Look at this. Look at he looks so weird now. Yeah, no hair on the face or the head That's for the show He did it for the show, but he has hair in the show. It's the top left one

I think is more like what's going on right now on the billions. Yeah. Oh like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah Look, I'm so used to him having the facial right. I know right That's so weird to see him without all that shit. Anytime I see a showtime show that's still thriving. I just go Oh, because can we announce That these two were on a show announce everybody knows it. Yeah, I'd like to announce it. Oh, please These two fine gentlemen. We're on a show Cole I'm dying up here. Mm-hmm on showtime. Mm-hmm. And what I've seen from the show You two were remarkable

You've never watched one episode. What are you talking about? Yes, I have name one episode name anything that happens I'm right now watching. I'm going to correct you my friend. Okay. I'm right now watching secession Not the show that we're on I know I understand that but that's what I'm watching. Okay. Yeah, and I've recently watched I'm caught up So first two up seasons They're recent though And I couldn't tell you what episode is what episode you're talking about on secession on secession My point is is that there's no way I could throw you because that was a couple years ago when I saw this

You don't remember one scene Yes, I do. Okay. Watch it. It's okay because I know you know why I know he didn't watch it I know you know why because his jealousy could not let him watch. All right. He would just see that and be like I can act too. I'm dramatic. I'm a comic. Why couldn't I be on this? That's true You did ask me why you couldn't be on the show and I said there were no asian comics back then Yeah, that's a fact. Well because I auditioned Stand up boom. All right. That's what it is. So here you go. I knew it

Fuck you man. I had to fight for the right to perform as well All right, I gotta fight for my stuff. No. All right. So let me fucking talk right now. Well, they'll make an asian version That's what they're doing now. We auditioned. I'm a dying upper here So we auditioned for the same night. I remember Jim Carrey was there Yeah, we're in the audience when he was at the store. You're talking about yeah when he was at the store and in my head I'm like, I honestly I was like This is my chance Really? Yeah to get into this. Did you rip that night? I ripped you ripped

Well, okay. First of all, and I think I said this here, but like, you know that night. I was furious Why adam comes up to me and says hey, eric jim's terry's here. You know what I said to him. Is he bumping me? Oh I was so I was so mad Yeah, I was like, this motherfucker got 300 million dollars and he coming into the club bumping people. I need this Tuesday 15 And I was pacing I went up on stage and that's why I killed. Yeah, because I was so mad. Yeah, that's funny All the time when they told me later, like, you know, it was whole production crews here and I was like, oh, shit Yeah, that michael was in them. That's so when you guys actually was doing it. There was jealousy Really? Yeah, because weren't you doing love at the same time?

Yeah, he's like a kid. Okay, let me explain bobby. Bobby's like a kid that has A hundred toys in front of him, right? Yeah, and then kids come over and they pick up the shittiest toy and he goes like this That's mine. That's my favorite toy. That's my favorite one. Yeah, that's mine. How you are you're fucking mine That's what I'm fucking doing right now. Yes I'm being vulnerable and being honest and I'm telling you that I felt a little jealous. I was happy for you guys No, you weren't you weren't yes. I was And what we're in what regard were you happy? In every regard you don't yes, I do in every regard. Let me say something just watch the show

All right, don't do this homework. Don't do this right because there's other things I want to watch All right, but I want to say this right now for the record. Yeah, okay. I like it. You look good doing. Yeah I don't I'm gonna do it This is great anytime Anyway, I'm gonna get you for the record For the record man, sorry Just feel good that it's on me now man. It feels it feels real good, right? Yeah

For the record, okay And this is gonna sound so pretentious coming out of my mouth Here we go guys. This is so pretentious and gross. Can't wait. Can't wait, but I don't hang out Go ahead. I don't hang out with anybody Who's not the top of the comedy? Oh, you're saying we're lucky to be in your presence. No, that's what I'm saying. I'm just saying that I'm blessed to be around you guys because you guys are the top of your fields

Right and I get to learn did you have therapy today? No, where's this coming from? No, I have to learn honestly Sitting here right now. Mm-hmm list looking at you and seeing you it inspires me It inspires me at every second and I never really could pinpoint what that feeling was I would always have that feeling around you. It's one of those feelings where You're on the top of a roller coaster and you're about to fall, you know, I mean excitement What about me Bob? Not you. Not at all. Never. And I'm never gonna feel that way about yourself I'm never gonna feel that way about you ever, right? And let me say something right now. Okay pal. You ever interrupt me again, right?

All right, all right, because I want to fucking I'm being vulnerable, right? He was right and you fucked me up All right, you shut the fuck up. Go ahead. We need one more season. We should have had another We just needed one more season. No, no, no the one more season. It's all we did one more season, you know And then we would have been able to start like what was this show that you only got six episodes out of? What was the one that you were on? You know, it was animal practice. No, no, no, that wasn't That one too though, right? But that was on the call sheet. It was like monkey He's talking about the jennifisher show That's the one Bobby was acting his ass off in that show though. Can I tell you something?

That we watched I watched a couple episodes and I was actually very happy of what you did on the show And can I say this right now? Yeah, I don't live with you, right? We don't live together. That's correct. We're friends. We just see each other every once when we work together, right? Yeah, people that have lived with me Haven't seen anything. You got something to say for yourself. Yeah You paying for your own phone bill yet? I'm just curious. No, okay you How much is it a month? I don't even know

No Because it could be a million dollars I would fucking pay it. Why don't you watch bobby's stuff is what we're curious I've seen the first episode of splitting up together. All right. Have you seen any mad tv episodes? No, what's splitting up together? That was the show Oh, that was what it was called. Yeah. Oh, I forgot the name of that show. I saw it when you played county charm But you know what though? Fuck you, man. Fuck you. That was good, but

In bobby's defense though, I don't always like watching stuff with people that we know No, it's true. You know, I watched one episode of whitney and almost blew my head off Yeah, but you don't like sitcoms anymore. Exactly, but it was like but even undatable And that's another one that I just like yeah, but a cable show if your friend was on a cable show, you'd watch it Exactly. Yeah cable show or a single cam. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the first time I actually started talking to you was you were on that I liked mixology. Yeah, you know He did read for that was very funny. They actually asked me if I knew you but can I tell you why did you shit on them? No, they literally like do you know about me and I said I didn't actually read I showed up

Right and a guy next to me said, you know who else is reading for this? I go who and he said Andrew Santino and I left. It's not true. Yes. We were not out for the same. I left Yes, it was for that role and I left the audition so you can get it Mm-hmm. Congratulations. That's the first but this is so funny. He says that because like we were I would always see you in Audition rooms and I'd be like all the time and if we're if we're going for the same part I'm like, they don't know what they want. We did it often. It me him Ian Edwards one time me him and Ian Edwards in the same fucking They don't know. What's one thing we have in common? Comedy guys comedy guys. Yeah, they wanted nothing else. Yeah, but we looked at each other like well this character doesn't really

Yeah, they don't know what they want. So when I so when we're in and I'm dying up here Um test. Yeah, and I see you and then I know I'm not going for the same role. It was like, ah, this is great We were mean. We knew we had it. There was two of the two other people in the room and we knew we had it They were so nervous because they weren't they probably were on comedians, right? No, they were actors. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, they were both like like like highly regarded New York Theater actors Yeah, because if I was in the lobby and I was a theater actor and then it was for a stand-up and I saw any one there You guys come in. Yeah, I'd leave. I would probably see I would leave that that same

It's the same if it was the opposite if I'm trying to break into a category like Broadway or something that I don't And I see one of the best and if I'm out, I'm not gonna go up against that shit Dude when I'm on this other show in New York and I talked to there's a guy that I work with that's a Broadway actor So much TMZ on you by the way. I see fucking videos every day of you with Sarah Jessica Parker. It's getting old Yeah, some people tag me and it all the fucking time sick of it looks like a fetish But I'm not sure who has the fetish, her or you That's a good one That's a really good one. What did you say doc? Oh, Sarah Jessica. I was asking her Sarah Jessica Parker from six in the city

Thank you Doc's like a weird 411 operator From a different country in another country We're not even the same state. This is what Google used to be that's what I represent Italy and all the people That's Ask Jeeves Because it gives you the wrong answers. It's so stupid. Yeah, no, but I just It's something weird about I don't know. It's like when you know people it's like it's rare that you see your when you see your friend doing something

Unless the unless it's something that they they really transform. Sometimes it's hard to like or if it's their personal show Yeah, they made the show. That's what's hard. I don't like looking at that, you know You go, ah, this is people I know and it's kind of weird. That's but then like, you know, mark marin I like I like seeing him, you know on on like he's on things glow. Yeah glow The Joker was he was great. Yeah, he's playing this guy and you just go But part of that is you just go. Ah, look at him because it's mark. Yeah Yeah, when it comes to his success, I tell this to them all the time when a guy like that succeeds I'm 100% so supportive because he went through hell. Yeah, I mean he's been around for so fucking long

And it's like a lot of these guys you look at some of these guys. They they never got their due He's gotten his due for a long time. I know but he's one of the lucky ones So you look at other guys that just never get it from his generation from his generation. Yeah, I guess you're like It's like most of those guys quit. They're not around anymore. Oh, they went into something else a lot of people Directors are writers. Yeah producing that kind of stuff. Yeah, they got smart. Yeah, they got the fuck out of stand up Yeah, I know shit. Yeah, because as a doorman I saw back in the 90s when I was a doorman at the store guys We don't even We never see anymore, but it's like, what are these people do?

Yeah, I think of the people that you went to do you were doing open mics with I think about this all the time Man, I should go. Hey, what happened to this guy? What happened to that guy? Do you ever try to find him on facebook or something? It's not how mad because then you're gonna be you know, I just I don't know. I mean it didn't work out because what would you say? Yeah, what would I even say? Hey, I'm killing it. What's what are you doing? He's like, oh, I'm an investor in a food truck. Only points I would hear. Oh, I don't know. Do you ever want to run into your ex like an ex ex that like did you wrong while you're doing well?

Yeah, you're doing well. Yeah, I mean that's That's what we're doing here. Yeah, that's true. That's this whole thing Buffy I like to sleep in buffy sleep sleep on the buffy The buffy bedding is earth-friendly and cruelty-free. We've spent sleepless nights worrying about the impact that the bedding industry has in the environment So we decided to change it says Buffy our products are made using only sustainable and recycled materials which makes them soft One of the greatest gifts you ever given me Andrew is a a buffy comforter. You're welcome And it's the same comforter that's on my bed right now. It is the most softest coolest

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You think that's what this is That's what this is some sort of pain that we experience younger and we're just trying to get back at something Why the the reason we do comedy? Yeah, it's it's one of two things I think you're either very smart and you understand communication and people very well and you're able to Communicate normal things in a very unique way and people can Anyway, I don't think this I think this they all have that She can hear it or You're an idiot

And you know nothing else. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's more me No, no. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know much. I think about I would say about bobby is like bobby is like Like idiot savante if you had to define whatever funny is Just bobby being himself is hilarious. That's correct. Yeah, like you yourself are funnier than the things you do on stage And in your funny on stage. Wow, that's a burn. That's a burn in a weird way Yeah, that's uh, that hurts you so bad like your skill level Right doesn't represent itself. No on stage. No, no, no, that's not true. But when you're just in your bathroom Right walking around

You're fucking funny But what he just did was so bad He said I don't have the skill to fucking do it I I followed it up with and you're really funny on stage. Right. He did It's like asking, you know back in the barn in Barnum and Bailey like Barnum and Bailey right back in the day They're still around and you saw the hairy face boy, right? Yeah. Yeah, and it's like he was born that way He has no skill. That's what you're saying No, I'm like a freakish guy

Who you're saying being with an extra arm on my head if you're saying look at me laugh laugh You know what it's equivalent in a sense that not everybody's born with a hairy face So not everybody's born with there's bobby the funny No, you're more like the hairy face boy that can also juggle. There's a couple of hairy face boys You're the hairy face boy But you know, they can't all climb a tree. He can climb a fucking tree. That's why He gets paid the extra money because they're like, you know the hairy face kid. It's like, yeah, that's poor By the way, I don't I want to reiterate this. Yeah

This was you know, I know it sounds like a burn and we burn each other. That's what we do 100 You are so funny. Okay. I don't need to no. No. No. No. Fuck you. Just let him finish. No. No. I'm telling you There's something about you and and this is why this podcast is so successful It's why like, you know, you're jet. There's something that like you have that thing man. That's the essence of what funny is You're that's the best. That's the best compliment. I could ever fucking not do me Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no do him. Well, you know how some like when you're sometimes people are like mean

And then you have funny mean Yeah, funny me. Yeah, funny me. Yeah, still mean though. Nonetheless. Yes. Me. Okay, but it's good. Yeah, but it's working Yeah, it's working. All right. Let's go to doc Oh, okay. So if you have like can I see him park? Remember tom crew tom cruise was in rain man. Okay, you're the other guy All right, okay What I'm right there with tom though, right? Oh, see that's the perspective

Yes, he is rain man, but he's also next to tom cruise. Yeah, you're next to him. Yeah for sure Yeah, you don't know that you're next to her. No, honestly, who's who's rudy What even who's rudy rudy is rudy? No, who is she in this world that we're speaking about? I have no idea She's what's her kind of funny? honesty It's like an alien. No, it's this It's an alien spacecraft

That they like they're like zipping by our solar system, right? And I hold on we don't have to be on To ontarian let's just meet up a fucking ontarian planet. That's a planet. We have to be the ontarian. Have you played that? Great, yeah ontarian if you just go to space you go east who books that yeah, yeah, yeah, that's where you'll find it Oh, yeah, right and it's like we don't have to be ontarian until like next week I heard about this planet called earth. Oh, yeah, let's capture one and they capture they go to the philippines Right and they see her no shoes. Yep. You know what I mean? Digging digging a ditch or something right and they they discover her and they bring her to

Another planet showcase right and that's what she is for this. That's interesting I don't know why I went through all that none of it makes any sense what it just said. No, have you ever felt like you might have been abducted or anything like that? Have you ever had a supernatural experience with a UFO? No, anything at all. Nothing. This is your chance to make something up. Yeah You know what that's kind of spooky that she went from like nothing to like yeah She's very mark Zuckerberg Did you see that clip of mark was Zuckerberg was like someone he's like well, that's because you're human and I was I am human Have you seen that and everyone in the crowd is like what and he goes? Have you seen this shit? Oh my god, look at this mark Zuckerberg. I am I was human. I am human because because rudy sometimes shows

signs of Not being from here, but it is gonna bother you because you're human and and I was human I am human, but I was just referring to myself in the past Now play it again, let me look at how fast you see it Bother you because you're human and and I was human. I am human, but I was just referring to myself in the past Tell me that's not a little strange. You know what you know, it really bugs me though for real. Tell me that's not strange Because I was human who are like Super successful super rich super like it's the as if they gotta be weird like this. They all have to be weird

Just that's gotta be something kind of quirky or something. No, are we screwing away with these? Are we scrutinizing them though? That we were so folk. What what's so funny that say the word wrong? No, give me an example. How you're supposed to say that word. Are we scrutinizing them? Is that what you said? Yeah Are we focused in the details of it? Of course if I see an Andrew Santino interview? I don't look at the little tick I don't observe all those things, but I'm also not a lizard rich. Yeah, are we observing? Is that what it is? Well, because we want to we want to defend the fucking guy No, we like we'd like to think that you want to think that whatever normal is or like whatever You know, you think that can that person like that end up being like, you know, 50 billionaire

You know, I would do weird if I was a billionaire. I would do weird shit during an I pray to God. You don't become a billionaire I just be like I don't know if he could get there like what the fuck was that doing all kind of dumb stuff Before you got to that's true. You'd never get there. You'd keep fucking it up. Yeah, you'd be you could become a hundred millionaire. Maybe What do you mean? I don't think you can get to a billion. I think you'd fuck it up What's so funny, man, I just is that a real statement you'd fuck it up I did if I got to 800 million you think that I couldn't get to a billion for some reason. No What do you think I would do? I don't know. You'd find a way to fuck

It up. Yeah, you know, you know how you know how you play those games and he spends so much money on them He would actually build the Sim City You know, I mean, he would have like construction crews going like no move this over here What that's a what that's that that's that sounds like 1.5 million dollars. See this is what this is what we're talking about. That's not a lot You know that joint that processing in your head. What we're saying 1.5 million for that room. So what else because I'm I'm like For that room so what else cuz I'm like I have 800 million if you had 800 like you'd be the kind of guy that you'd buy a private jet Take it to a place. Yeah, I just want a new one. Yeah, and you'd leave it. Yeah, you would do that No, I would take a lot and you get a monitor in the Xbox

New one a new one. No, I would take a private jet and go can you turn this into a bed? Right, so they cut it out. You know me it got it out and they use that as my bed I know like mr. Lee. We do need to get back to the United States at some point Buy a new plane. You just buy a new plane. I would probably but he is right though You know how Michael Jordan they used to say he would leave he would wear the pair of shoes and new pair of socks every game He never wore this shoe twice. Yeah, you're that guy you do that with everything You would do that with Xbox as you'd bring them or you'd have someone buy a bunch you'd leave them everywhere all the time Your budgets would be like 50 grand a day on bullshit

Yeah, because knowing you you would just be like why don't fucking I can just buy more What was that movie? There's no movie where somebody inherits a bunch of boosters Willie millions. That's the movie and then No, but rich it was a remake. That's the remake right which a prior was a remake. Yes Yeah, the original was not with it was like he was he was higher He inherited a bunch of money and the thing was if you can if you could spend 30 million dollars in 30 days You'll inherit 300 million dollars. Yeah, that's what it was so which I could do You easily I'd like to highly recommend a movie cold you couldn't make any money on it. Can I recommend a movie? T-10 T-Tain T-Tain T-Tain. Have you seen it? Spell it T-I-T-A-N-E

T-Tain it is can you use it in a sentence? Yeah, I Have a T-Tain in my body. That's a T-Tain right there. I Thought you're the movie Just write movie T-Tain. I thought your T-Tain was that space between your balls and your ass. That's your taint. Oh, this is good This movie right here dude. Mm-hmm is the most fucked up movie. I've ever seen in my life Judging on that photo of that woman more than old boy. Oh, yeah This is so fucked look at the woman in the vice at grip. Look at that I had to pause this movie every five minutes Mike Kalyla and I and we had to walk away from it

Oh, I hate it. See, I don't want watch that. Did you see that Jake Gyllenhaal movie on Netflix? No, no, dude. It is so like disturbing for no reason, right? What's it called? The guilty like what's in it? The guilty well, he's like a 9-1-1 operator But he like is a cop that did something bad and that's why he's 9-1-1 operator right now There's some shit happens on this 9-1-1 call and it's just like the whole how the whole thing plays out You like no one, right? You know what I mean? You'd like no one. It's don't don't watch that movie Is there a hero you hero you know everyone in that movie really? Yeah, but you somehow want To see it unfold

All right, so look we had video submissions For I want I want a little bit of black magic and let's play let's see some of the people that are in the mood No, are they asking there we go a little black magic or but it's a double entendre. We got a little black magic Kelsey good morning. It is 9 10 a.m. Ignore the messy room in the background And I want a little black magic in my life you see I've been seeing this guy and I Bought tickets to go to this comedy show on December 4th at the Balboa Theater in San Diego

It's my show and he said he was down to go, but he's just not that into comedy But it turns out I'm just not that into him Yeah, so I need a date for the show Okay, bye. Oh my god doc your yo you gotta take this girl to come see me live You also get to see me do an hour, which is great using that guy Was she using that fucking guy no dude, she's seeing a guy she's a fan She wants to come see me do stand up supposed to just get in the middle of a love triangle She's gonna break up with him first and then you can go on the fucking day. We can make it fuck. Oh, man. You just

Okay, wait a minute doc you see this girl. Yeah, she's cute. Very cute Okay, so so so she wants a date was she smoking weed or was that a cigarette? She was smoking weed Not a cigarette, but a little weed, okay, I feel you wait a minute wait a minute I think you should have a little bit higher standard than that a little bit. Oh my baby. Do you? Wait a minute Doc, yeah, she seems like a down-ass bitch. She smokes. She's chill And she's willing to leave this dude who dorked out on her and doesn't want to come to the show for you All you have to do is go down there and that's a free date. That's what it's on

Why she's trying to get a freebie out of me, too. Just cuz It's already man. Oh, I Was using you to get into the fucking show you're gonna have to pay. He's gonna let you put you on the list I'm not gonna make you pay. You're gonna be paying you will be paying Going on with some chick. That's just really to just throw a dude to the side like that What what do you say fans doc promises mom never to be in a loft triangle again You gotta stick to your principles Okay, so so let me let me clarify this for the for the fans and including what this young woman's name is I forgot

What did it say? What was it? Kelsey, okay, so you're telling Kelsey you just want to end the race Because you think you don't want to be a part of her breaking up with a guy to be with you to hang with you Yeah, just a hang You're coming regard. He's coming. You don't have a fucking choice. Do you have a problem with her race? No, that's what it is I think it's a racial thing no no no no no no no, no you're racist. Yeah, you're racist. Yeah, you're like a snowman That ain't got nothing to do with me. What is it that what is it? Like I said, she fucking says she'll dump this dude for me No, no, no, she's not gonna date. She doesn't want to dump you. Slow down over there Romeo. She didn't say all that

She just don't want to be alone at this concert No, she did say she doesn't I'm not into him. So I think the relationship's over. Well, yeah, he doesn't like comedy she's a big comedy fan. You're a fucking comedian. This is perfect. Perfect. Is it? Yeah. Okay. She's also loaded. Yeah, she's rich. Right, which is good. Because she has two tickets. No, she's high. It was one of them. Oh, I thought you meant rich. No, she's high. Which is a good thing. She could be rich too. Yeah. Because if she was sober, she would have never made the video. There would be no video. Let me tell you something. Okay, I like this for you. And I know you may not want to do this, but you're doing it. You're doing it for whatever y'all want, man. And you have to

be nice and we'll give you cash. Why wouldn't I be nice to her? Why are we giving him cash to take her on a date? No, no, Bobby. What is this? 10 things I hate about you now? Yeah, does he do valet or anything like that? Is he? No, he's got, yeah. We'll give you cash. We'll give you some cash to take her on a nice date. Yeah. You know what we should do? This is it. I'm calling it right now. We're setting up. We're going to, you're coming to San Diego. Okay. We are setting up a nice dinner spot for you before the show. Bobby and I will pay for a very nice steak dinner. You're going to get a guest set on the show. I don't think there's room. That's rude. Yeah. No, you're being rude right now, dude. Yeah. It's one show. It's one show. Yeah.

You're being so rude. Let me ask, let me ask if there's room. I want to let everyone, I want to let everyone know. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Andrew, who are you going to ask? I have a team. My time team. I have a time team. Because she likes comedy, he should get the guest set. That'll really close the deal. I also, how about this? You can get a fucking, you get the guest spot, you have to do the dinner. You have to take her on the date. Yeah, let's go. Okay. So if he gets a guest spot, I don't get one. That's right. If Doc's in, you're out. That's how it goes. Can't have two. So anyone that bought a ticket for his San Diego date, right, could have gotten me and Doc on the same lineup. And you're not going to do it.

How about this? We'll see. I'm not coming. What, when is the date? What is it? December, December 4th. Why would they drive down there for that? We'll leave it up. We'll leave it up to the universe. To the fans. We'll leave it up to the fans. All right, fans, if you're from San Diego, you got to, you bought a ticket to Andrew's show. You know, I'm going to be at La Jolla that weekend. Oh, you can come out. Oh, you're competing, taking numbers away from each other. I love that. Different area. I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. Fucking movie CK. Relax. What is that? What was that? Don't do that, Ken Jong. Don't do that to me. Yeah, let's bring up the photo. Why don't you post every fucking photo with that guy?

He's the best. I love him so much. We talked about you today. What show was Dave? He's on Davey? I'm not shooting Dave. Was he on This Is Up? This Is Up? Or whatever that is? No. What's it called? I did a scene in a movie with Charlie Day for Charlie Day. Charlie Day has a movie holiday. And CK's in it? No, he just throws that at, he just said that. But look at that, me and one of my best Korean friends of all time. Now that's a podcast you want to watch. Do one with him. You're such a baby. Try it. I want you to try it. You know what would be hilarious is if you actually just filmed a fake episode of something just to fuck with him, we talked about it. He's too busy. He's so fucking funny. All right, let's move on. Let me get my

fucking two cents in. All right, you know what, dude? I sigh like that when I listen to you talk as well. I know, you did it a few times on the show today already. So, you know, that doesn't hurt my feelings. I didn't do it to hurt your feelings. I'm emoting. What are you getting angry about? I'm talking to you like a civilized human being here, baby. We also should all go out that night. Yeah. No, let's go out to a big dinner. How about this? We go to a nice dinner and Doc is there on a date and we can watch him on the day. What's the date again? Can we get like, you know... Earbuds. Earwigs. We have to tell him what to say. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You're coming. Oh, hold on. I might not be able to come. No, we already checked the schedule because Calila's

gone to Hawaii. Damn it. Fuck! You're here the whole time. Damn it. You're coming. I'm there. December 4th. Okay. You gotta come. Let him show the rest of the email. There's emails now. We don't have to... Whoa! My name is Allie. Chelsea, we're gonna have to take a pause. We're just farted. Okay, you know, hold on, hold on. So, I want to hear Rudy read it as her voice because it's a girl. I don't want to read a girl's voice. Yeah. I don't want to do it wrong. Get closer. Go ahead, Rudy. Get real close to the mic. Try to be like a girl, like a sexy girl. Go ahead. Try to be her. Try to be her. Try to be her name is Allie. Try to be Allie. Okay. Um, my name is Allie. I am a 31-year-old barber in Sacramento, California.

Sounds drunk. Yeah, she's wasted. Is she on pills? I want a little black magic in my life because I think Doc is the perfect size to walk on my back after a long day in the shop. This fade would always be sharp with me. I'll show fade you out, baby. And I have strong stems to carry him when his little legs get tired. Lots of perks here. What do you think, man? Yo, if you fuck this up, man, no, stay on the photo. Oh, yeah, stay on the photo. Yeah, she's very good looking. Hey, hey, hey, look at me. You're welcome, Doc. Yeah, dude. I mean, fucking, not even a thank you, not even one thank you.

Who's the one? I don't need. Don't even thank him. What the fuck? Who's the one that called you to be even on this in the first place? I'm talking about this right now. No, I'm talking about him even being here in this situation. Who do you fucking thank the most? Thank you. This whole situation. It'll be you. Thank you. Oh, my God. Just do the photo. Thanks. Thank you. Next photo. No, I want him to assess that situation. All right, go to the first photo. God damn it. The same girl? Can he talk about this? Yeah. Oh, let's see. Oh, yeah, this other photo. That's the same girl. Yeah. All right, scroll down. Let's go down. Very pretty. Oh, my God. Beautiful blue eyes. Look at those eyes, dude. Beautiful. Look at that. I don't want you to have her. Yeah,

me neither. Don't you? You want to save some purity or something? Look at that little hole in her lip is where Doc's penis could go. That's right. That's right. That's right. Yeah. All right, scroll down to the next picture of this beautiful girl. Yeah. This girl's a fucking babe and she cuts hair and she said she'll fade you out and she'll fucking line you up all the time and carry. You know, I used to cut hair too. I cut my own hair. Don't don't don't put that out in the universe. I'm feeling it. You don't feel that everyone. Everyone be quiet. Be quiet. Let him have this. Be quiet. Let him talk. That's the energy of the cosmos right there. When say that again, the energy of the cosmos know about your hair. I cut my own hair.

See, that's the, you know what I'm saying? Like, that's we know the universe. We know the universe. We know the universe is like. We tired of you messing this up. You know what I'm just like. Is there more photos? Wow. She's so pretty. She's very pretty. All right. There's another girl. There's another girl. What does it say? Oh my god. Hi. Hey. Hi, bad friends team. I'd like to submit myself as a potential suitor for Doc Silverman. Who the fuck is duck? Dude, remember Silverman? Oh, that's right. Silverman on the street. That's Doc Silverman. I'm 24 years old. That's funny. I'm 53. She's too tall. She's too tall, right? Yeah, she's too tall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Five, three, she'll tower over. That's what we doing? Yes. So she can post you up. I live in

to Dallas, Texas, but I have a grandmother that lives in LA and I'll be visiting for a month. Oh, she is. During Christmas, I'm open to love anyone, whether that person is black or white, smaller, big or autistic or not. Wow. That needs to be in there. Wow. That really needs to. Wow. Also, I've included a photo of Halloween to show you and I'm not catfishing you with old pictures, but my Instagram is, what is that? Your girl, your girl, your girl. Nicknack. Nicknack. Your girl, Nicknack. Wow. Wow. Look at her. An all-American white woman. Not bad. Cheerleading apple pie. Five, three. Five, three. Look at this girl. She loves, she wants you. What would your ancestor say right now? I need some meat on this. She's too skinny. She's too skinny for that. Also, I think she's very pretty.

She's 24. It's too young. I can't even do it as fucking. It's like we're trying our fucking best. Scroll down. All right, is that it? That's her. To the right. Look at how cute she is. She's so cute. Look at her. She's smart. Cyper. Cyper. What was it? I can't wait to hear that on the date. Cyper. Cyper. Yeah, I'm out of here. You do Saba Skip a Scout? You Saba Skip a Scout in your way across the internet? Cyber security. That's the age. She owned it. All right, next photo. Is that it? Hey, you do Saba Security. I used to do ball security. We got one something in common. Yeah. From a land far, far away, there lived a girl listening to every episode of Bad Friends

only because of Doc. Only because of Doc? Jesus Christ. Oh, India. Love you. That's what I'm talking about. He goes, oh, Indian. I love you. That's what I'm talking about. Not to dishonor you guys. I love you too, but this little brown girl from India hoping for a little huge black pole. Wow. Reasons I should be the one. Once you try brown, there's no going back. That's not a phrase and it doesn't rhyme. Love India, red balloon. P.S. Read this out loud on your next episode. I'm a medical student from India. You guys keep me happy. Zoom into the photo. If you can change huge to standard, then we'd be good. There we go. Look at her. Okay. Feeling that. Feeling that like the eyebrows. No filter on the face. Fly her out here. You know what I'm saying? Jokes. All right. Coming at you from Melbourne,

Victoria. Wait, is there no picture? No picture? Move on. Move on. Yeah, yeah, we don't do no picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great question. Several people are hitting me up from Melbourne. Okay. Oh, there is a picture with Jess. This is Jess's photos. Okay. Dude, you're getting fucking babes. Dude, this is so annoying that Doc is getting all these fucking chicks submitting for him. This ain't new. Oh, bro. They felt that. They felt that. They felt it. Both of them felt that one. Oh, my God. Put it on a new dog. It's not old, neither, Doc. It's nothing. It was nothing. It was nothing until now. Okay. Now there's people. So you say. This one's got a little alleywong going on. Can you zoom in on her face, please? Yeah. Wow. Wow. Doc. All right. Let's

hear her email. Yeah. She got the wine, too. Okay. You don't drink. I drink wine? What you think is in this thermos? A little bit of a little bit of Pino up in there. Here we go. First of all, thanks for being such a stellar group of peeps. Recently went through a six lockdown here in Melbourne, Australia. And I reckon if I didn't have you do is to get me through my depresso would be it would have been espresso. So thank you. On to the main subject, DOC. What a dynamite pocket rocket. You're a little vibrator. I have no idea if he'd have any interest in doing law distance, but hey, dating is a weird thing anyway in it. So perhaps I'll give it a go because who knows? I suppose I got to do the whole a bit about me jargon. I'm Jess. I'm 30. I have a sister. Her

name is Patsy. She she's my life and I work at a cinema and a bar. That's a movie theater, Doc. So movies and booze and music is me jam. I come from a huge family. Dad is one of 10 and we are Burmese. Oh, from Burma. Do you know where Burma is? I got a picture of a Burmese python with me with a Burmese python around my neck. This is going to work out. Make sure you bring that up all the day. Yeah. With the connection with these women in the universe. So she's got that ethnic flare. Look at what she reads. It says right there. She's left handed. And then what's after that? And I saw the movie Titan. Oh my God. Is that fuck? Is this real? Yeah. Did it just come out? Is that why? Yeah. Oh, I was like, what the fuck? Whoa, yo, so after most recent gig went to JK Group.

And again, I've been bombarded with a whole bunch of potentials, but just chuck this out there. If you're a good doc, you're a good egg, bubo, fire, fire, crutchy, wouldn't be wanted to help you find this love intensely. The fact that you must have a heart of gold. Best of luck on your journey. Cheers, bruh. Jess Matlin. What do you think? What do you think of her? I think she's nice. Okay, which one goes first then? Can we just like hook up with them all and just go from there? Oh, from what he went when he first started on the show to now. Fucking insane. All right, give me another one. Give me another one. Oh, that was the Indian girl. Okay. Yeah. All right, so check it out. You've got some potential suitors, doc. What are you doing over there? You on your

phone? Yeah, I was trying to find the Burmese with me in a picture of the Burmese. We were so over that. Man, I was still feeling it. I can't tell you how much we don't give a fuck about that. I can't tell you how much we don't give a fuck about that. I get that, but this is about me. This isn't about you, Eric. This is my time. This is my time. This is my time, bruh. How was it? You had your time? I didn't just show up. I'm having a little glory right here. Let him have a little big glory. On Black Monday, let him have this on white. It's Black Monday. All right, so doc, you can pick eventually. Okay, eventually you can pick, but we'd like some sort of an answer soon because we like the San Diego girl. The San Diego was local. Let's let Eric decide

for you then because you're being so fucking evasive. You're going to the show. You're doing the guest set at Andrew's show at least minimum 10 minutes. Because the barbershop girl doesn't live in Texas, right? Where did she live? Where did she live? Sacramento? Sacramento? Not far at all. When are you in Sacramento? I'm not, but I mean, we can pay for her to fly down. Should we fly? Oh, my God. Should we fly this girl in and have them all come to the show and see, and like a, like it's a doc dating show and have all these girls. But you have to tape it. Yeah. No. No, it's not worth it. You don't want to give it. It's not worth it. No, it's too much money. For who? You're paying for none of it. No, but I don't like $1.5 million on the

money like that. On the Sim City, yeah. But you don't want to fly this chicken so doc can be happy. No. All right, so fine. The San Diego girl is the only, that's what we got. We got the Dallas. This girl right here. Yeah. Yeah. All right, dude. Let's do her. No, don't say that. We're linking it up. Go out with her. Yeah, we do that. All right. Doc, look in the camera there and sign us out and say thanks for being a bad friend on Black Monday. Thanks for being the bad friends on Black Monday. Thanks for being a bad friend. That's the first one. We'll use the first one. Okay. I forgot the name of the show like mid-sentence. Like mid-sentence. Also, let's say thank you real fast to our good friend, Eric Griffin, who came out. Oh, Eric,

I love you so much, man. Thank you so much for being here. Truly. Also, who does have a great- Oh, that's where Jules got that from. Yeah, the bullshit. Yeah, the bullshit tone. You know what I mean? When it gets like, oh, thank it. You know, now I get it. But do yourself a favor and watch Griffin with Griffin and he's also, you're on- Don't watch it. You're on King and Sting all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, absolutely watch it because Griffin's one of the fucking greatest comments out. You're so talented, man. You're the best. We love you. Thank you for being a bad friend. I'm a bad friend. We some bad friends. Yeah, we some bad friends. Okay. Crack the surface just to bring the Tito's live sound. Surfing the bottom of Turtle Island about to dive down.

And I see Freddy Kruger-Rooty with the knives out. Kalilah be pimping and living while Bobby in the doghouse. I heard Santino used to suffer bad acne. I'm trying to be a star like Bobby Lee on Mad TV. They call me Plato. So welcome to my academy. Rappers know less about the world than Bobby knows female anatomy. Yeah, you must be drinking on some whiskey ginger or you Andrew on Halloween or call me Trippy Hipster. Two things in life are certain. Hold me, I was taught right. Morality is objective of Brian Cowan doesn't box right. Hey, oh, this is your bros.