Bad Friends - Bobbo's Adoption Plan & Fancy's First American Birthday

Episode Date: March 21, 2022

New Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors: https://www.bespokepost.com code: BADFRIENDS &  http://buyraycon.com/badfriends & https://current.com/badfriends & ROMAN YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriends 0:00 Fancy Is One of Us 6:15 Where the Gold At?  14:59 Bobby Is Adopting a Baby 27:19 He DJs Like Daddy 31:55 The Penny Angel 37:13 More Batman Controversy and Bobby is The Penguin 43:48 Bobby and Andrew's Comedy Store Pranks 50:40 Fancy Gets American Gifts 58:11 What Bobby Think of Frank Sinatra More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andres Rosende & Pete Forthun This podcast episode was sponsored by Candy Crush Sponsorships: on for this episode Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Anchor. If you haven't heard about anchor.

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It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob? Go to the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. America, we are the ones who are the freest ones. That's the worst of that. I don't know any lyrics of anything. America, we are the ones who are the freest ones. We pledge our hate to everyone and we are the ones.

It's the best. Welcome back Rudy Jules. You took a class. You took a test. What happened Andre? I took a test. I took a test. Wow.

Did you get 100%? I did. You got straight A's? Of course. He took the American test. Look at him. Look at how cute he looks there. Look at him.

He's pledging his allegiance to this country. The cameraman is going, that guy has his neck just attached to the face. There's no chin. Look at this no mask and look at the Asian guy behind your mask. Interesting. Look at this dude. You're giving up your Spanish heritage. You're one of us, papa.

You're one of us. Welcome. One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us. American blood. What about you?

You're going to take the test? No, I don't want to be American. Fuck you. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. This is scumbag, call ICE.

Call ICE on the shop. I'm going to separate you from your mom. I have a visa. It doesn't matter. I'm going to put you in a cage, girl. I have a visa too. I have a MasterCard, a Visa. I have an American Express.

You're not special. Yeah. I got gold shit. I don't even look fucking brands they are. They're gold cards, man. And you've got buckets and buckets of money on them. Wake up, lady. Wake up.

I'm going to get a, I'm going to get a Porsche, um, my con. Can I tell you something? Last night Bobby in the hallway me griff and Bob were in the hallway, and he goes Bob comes up he goes I'm gonna buy a Porsche And I was like no you're not he goes. I'm gonna buy Porsche. I'm gonna buy a Macon Macon It's a Macon and you go that's I get it. That's not a real car. I says not a real poor and first of all

It's Porsche. It's not a real Porsche. It's okay, but it's not a but but the Macon is the SUV. It's not that big It's fine. Good. Get it. I want I know but but what I'm saying is if you bought a 9-11 I'd be like that's insane. You have no business driving that well That's why I'm see I'm trying to bridge a gap between your fancy and my ghetto. I'm not fancy Oh my god, bro. Yeah, you're gonna make me so rageful right now racist And racist. Let me say something I'm not gonna reveal things on this podcast cuz you get angrier. Oh, right I don't you're blushing a little bit right now, but I'm gonna say something. I'm not blushing

I'm you have really fancy shit. I don't have any I've been to your house It looks like a fucking showroom. That's at Ikea. I know you've said this before Yeah, and you have fancy cars cars that I right you're just shaking your head So what I'm saying is is that I drive a Prius that other people like Poor people. First of all, you have an Audi at the house. You're gonna buy a McCann's my girlfriend Your house is bigger than mine. So you're wrong. It's not bigger. Yes, it is. It's just fancier No, it's bigger and fancy. Yeah, we we live on a hill. You live in flat grounds with you see what he's doing now Your piece of shit

Hills and I live in a reality guy. No, I'm a blue collar guy. Who are your fucking neighbors, bro? You are your fucking neighbors. Who are your fucking neighbors? Cuz I know your neighbor's a famous fucking director. No, he just happens to be a producer a famous producer. What's up, dog? What's up, dog? Yeah, Hollywood nights, baby Who's the other neighbor? Who's the other neighbor? He used to be a writer for Babylon 5. Oh cool He has a house in the fucking hills. Yeah, so he's rich. Yeah, my neighbors my neighbors are neighbors people Yeah, people that own prop probably. Yeah, they bought a house 30 fucking years ago They're just humans. Yours are rich Hollywood. See America

Don't listen to this fucking piece of shit. He has a Hollywood scumbag All right, and he lives in the hills next to Hollywood scum. I live near human beings that work I love You can play golf for fucking 20 bucks. I play ping-pong. That's like an everyday. That's an Asian thing You guys are Asian you're right. What I'm saying though is is that I have I have anyone knows as Sam Tripoli as anyone at the Comedy store of all the people what line because I crashed my Prius into his car. Oh, right? You remember that? Yeah, right. No, I purposely did it. I know I rammed it But my point is is that

Everyone at the comments don't ask anybody that parks the cars there anybody What kind of car does Bobby drive? They'll say it's the worst of the worst Yeah, because it's because you don't care about stuff You don't take care of nice and because I'm sober again and because I'm trying to treat myself better Because I'm trying to treat myself better God bless I Decided to get a better car and a nicer car to treat myself better and then I did all this research and going, you know, what's gonna work for me and my family and I I

Took a risk. I saw you and Eric Griffin last night. I go, I'm gonna get I'm so proud. I'm gonna get a Porsche MacCotton I'm gonna go with you to get it. Yeah, I want to go with you to get it But you're gonna laugh at the dealer. It's gonna be a whole thing. I don't want to I don't be shamed by it What I want to do. Yeah, honestly, I'm being serious. Yeah, I want to get you a good deal So will you take I don't give a fuck about the deal, baby What does that sound like? What a fucking rich? No, I You know, I said to Bobby last night go gas is like seven dollars a gallon He goes, I don't give a fuck what I said, and Bobby goes, I'll pour some out after I fill up

I don't like haggling when I go to Tijuana and the kids go chiclet, right? I go how much they go $50. I'll get it That's for one piece. That's what a rich guy. I don't know. I don't negotiate I don't like haggling when the little tiny Mexican kids go chicly chicly and I go how much and they say three Gala and I go one they go. No, and I steal them and I run away with the kid. I know you do There's a myriad of things happening. Yeah, it's it's Andres's birthday today. Do you know this? Mm-hmm? He is an American citizen and then bow and also Coincidentally, this is our St. Patrick's Day episode. So it's my holiday. It's fancy's birthday, and he's an American citizen Mm-hmm. Do you have anything you want to say to fancy?

Um, blue and red looks good on you, but green doesn't look good on you I love it. I love it. That's you know what, you know, I'm wearing this for the holiday. Yeah, you don't look good What does it look bad? You look like a ghetto leprechaun. A ghetto leprechaun? Yeah, like a leprechaun that couldn't get that regular suit What a go-to. Yeah Yeah, but instead of goals, you have like pesos in a little cup at the end of your rainbow I'm the ghetto leprechaun. Yeah, that's that's my favorite guy. I want to know what a go-to All right, you know what? Yeah, the best yeah the bed look what my holiday brings out. Yeah Fun humor we can take a joke. Yeah, this is the best part about St. Patrick's Day

It's about drinking. It's about eating corned beef and cabbage. It's about having fun making fun of Irish But we can take a hit. No, but it's easy. We all we take that. We're ugly. We're orange. We're pale We fight. Yeah, we'll take the hit you guys can't take the hit you say anything bad about Asians Everyone's up in arms. Oh really you're gonna bring up stop Asian hate right now. Yeah, raise started up. I say You're no white people. No, no, no Irish aren't white. We're a different breed We're our own thing man. We're look at me. You guys are so white who looks like me. Nobody bill Burr Yeah, an Irish fucking is bill Burr. Irish. Yes. Okay. I mean who else is another way? I have a question. Yeah To Andrew is your butthole

Red or you want to see it? I'm gonna show it to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you asked for it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she did ask Just look just look how about this? I take a photo of it and then you can see it. Just look. Yeah, just look What color is it look just real fast? Just look what is what color is it look fast Rudy? Oh, yeah, what color is yours? Let's see Because I just took a shit Yeah, what color was mine yours is white white. What's mine dark? Oh, exactly. It's forbidden. That's a cave. It's a forbidden place and let me say something when you go inside there. Is there poo?

Yeah, definitely other things to like matchbox cars. Yeah, there's a little tiny ring inside of there There's a little ring in there. Somebody's wedding ring is in there, right? This fingernails from Kalilah loose fingernails matchbox cars and also there's one cigarette in there in case of emergency break for emergency Yeah, have you read hemorrhoids? Oh, never. I mean, you know, the thing is is that forbidden place my little torque forbidden forbidden place I've had him. Yeah, um You know, there's black magic going on in there There's a little bit of doc his little magic isn't there raise your hand at the stew if you've had a hemorrhoid Pete

I know you've had one. No, I never have fans. Nope you I've had a few Because it's trust because you what the first week on the show. I got three hemorrhoids I'm not kidding. Really? They all popped up. What is it hemorrhoids? It's a bump back that back What is it Whitney got it from? What is it? It's an inflammation of the skin on the anus and what it does is it's like a strict It's like a it's like a pressure stress bump. It's like I think it's the muscle and the tissue sign Coming out. It's the what intestine. Yeah intestine say that again testin. Yeah, look at there

It is. Oh, so it's like when you have When you make love to a girl and you she has a little pink tail with a little tube is sticking out That's that's a hemorrhoid. That's exactly right. I love when that happens Right because I'm is that a mole or I mean, I love it. So I've had those before man. Is it because of stress? Can be it can be from pushing too hard when you poop it can become yeah It can be from going too much it can be from going too little There's a million reasons that I get them because I've always had lately. It's bad diet. It's been you. I don't think so My doctor literally said we can't explain this

Do you spend an hour a week with a Korean guy by chance? I said you better believe that he that he said that really? Yes, that's sad. Dr. Wong said that he's talked to his nation guy, too. Yeah Chinese. Yeah. Yeah, doesn't like Korean dudes Yeah, maybe it's coming from his point of view He led me down that path. Yeah, I said I do do a podcast with a Korean guy. He goes this is where the Chinese guy He probably supports a Russian guy, too So what's going on in Ukraine? I get it Look at this. I did an interview this morning with I wish I could have taped it I did a zoom with Fox like local Fox

Syndicate for Vegas because I'm playing Vegas. Yeah this weekend Yeah, and the guy go and it was cutting in and out, you know those TV. They're terrible. They're so hard to do You just presume. Yeah, because I couldn't be there Yeah, so he's like I'm zooming and it's cutting in and out and he goes We tried to look for a clip of you being family-friendly and we couldn't find in your stand-up Yeah, we definitely couldn't find it on your podcast. Yeah, and I said, yeah This is not this isn't for kids the show is for grown-ups Then he goes well, what if someone comes to a show this must happen and they don't like what they hear

I go well, they can get out. Yeah, and I said, you know what else I'll do Oh, I'll refund their money I'll give them back their money if they didn't like it and I'll buy them a first-class plane ticket to Russia because this is America And we like freedom bitch. Go fancy. Sing absolutely sing give me the America for it. Give me an American song go fans. Oh See That's all you know yeah, yeah, and we let you into this country as a fucking citizen and that's all you know I know I had a cheat card. Did you really? Yeah, you cheated through the test. Yeah Fans fucking call somebody. That's fucking crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. Call somebody. Can we record you know somebody?

Yeah, let's report them. Should we pardon or report to ice too late? I mean you have the card. I do what does this mean? You don't you wait you are now in a legit American citizen Yeah, that's fucking crazy. Wait a minute. Did you really cheat? No, you you took the test legitimately. Yeah, I'm gonna call a nice agent right now. I'm serious cuz this isn't cool You're fucked. Hey, you laughing now. I know Marcus. He's fucking mean dude. He's mean as shit. He's it by the book Marcus Marcus Marcus I Got a guy here

Mark Hello, sorry about that. Hey, buddy. I have a guy here named these kids. I got these kids trying to play with these You don't get pencils. I'm a little scared. Yeah, Marcus I have a guy here who's who claims to have gotten his American citizenship today and he Yeah, oh, you know, yeah, there's basically handing those things out. Good luck And he tells me that he tells me he cheated on the test to get into the country. He's standing right here What can we do to get him back out of here? He's a Spanish Spanish citizen, but now he's American. Is he gay? Does it help does it help if he is big big time big time? Yes, he is

You're good to go. Thank you Marcus. Love you He has 15 kids and he teaches up his homeschooling yeah, and he just throws pencils all over the I've been there house Yeah, yeah, yeah living room. He's always yelling. It's kind of nuts. Really you're responsible Yeah, did you ever go on the road and have to do in-house morning shows all the time? What do you mean? I did it a thousand times. Yeah, how did you feel those morning? I would bomb every single day Yeah, I would I'd wake up With such dread. Yeah, I hated it hated it hated it and because I was so edgy and everything out of my mouth It's so filthy. I know whenever like it like it never moved tickets

No, it doesn't yeah. Yeah, so the club owner like yeah, nothing. Yeah, no you did but it was thanks for doing it Yeah, so I just stopped doing it. They don't want you there. Yeah. Yeah, I can't believe you said I don't look good in green at all You look it looks like shit. Yeah. Yeah, it's not my color. So you're right though. Honestly, it's not for me I have some news. You're more pale. I'm more pale now with this. I have some news. I want to share please I've been doing some soul-searching Rudy. You think it looks that bad, huh? All right, go on Andreas go ahead I Think I'm definitely gonna adopt

I'm waiting for the joke. There's no joke. You're gonna adopt a kid. Yeah, you really are I think I'm gonna What why are you laughing? I'm not please don't I think it's great. I did some soul searching Oh Why what because what it's like a stringent process. I'm gonna start But it but you have to qualify Well, if I don't get qualified Well, I'm gonna lie just like he didn't lie down the test There's gonna be some I know what I think becoming a citizen is less

First of all, I'm gonna work out. I Look good I don't want to look like a slob, right? So I'm gonna I'm getting pedicures done. Do you know that? No, I'm on your not on my fingers. Yeah, I guess sadly You're painting them. No, I went to the professional Who painted what came out on the table there of your foot? What is it? Probably just debris Yeah, anyway, um, so wait a minute. You think getting in good shape looking good is gonna help you adopt a kid

There's a variety of things. I'm gonna do that's I think the poorest Macan is a part of the oh, that's why yeah Yeah, yeah, right. Have you spoken to Kaila about this? Yeah, we've been talking about it and she says let's adopt I don't know You really want to do this. I really do and I'll tell you what I'll tell you what I'm doing So I'm getting my nails done now You know, I've been losing weight. Can you tell why you're laughing? No, I think this is awesome I'm laughing. No, I'm not laughing. All right. It really hurts when you do. Okay. I won't laugh. Right. It's a dream of mine So, um, what I've been watching why are you laughing? I'm not all right

So what I've been doing is I've I've been not playing video games as much So at nights I go After an hour and a half I tell the guys at warzone my my my fire team is called the silly Billy's no silly Billy Yeah, so I go silly Billy's you're part of it, too. It was a silly Billy guy Yeah, but I go, um, I'll go I'm all I'm done and they're like really it's only midnight. I know but I might be a father Wow, yeah, which I did not tell you that in the car Yeah, but are you gonna take care of it? That's right. That's a good question. Yeah You're gonna be out of the house. I need room. Yeah, he doesn't you're out. Yeah, you're out

And you said that you wanted to live on your own you're doing good, right hit him hit him hard And why do you want to live on your own? Because you want numbers Hmm. Yeah, you want don't fucking play don't play dumb with you went to a party and you got COVID Yeah, I'm gonna catch some dick. No, you fucking dirty. Let me tell you something You want to move out? Yeah, you want to become I want to move out because to Bobby's annoying. Oh Here we go really how annoying am I it was I annoyed when you broke my car? Mm-hmm. Did you hear what happened? I didn't break your car you use it last night And then I use it this morning and then it broke down

Alright, but see what I was driving it at night, right? It was moving. It was flowing smooth Maintenance required what did you do? Did you make did you maintain it? Mine didn't say that Well, you didn't fucking it was required and you didn't do it. Yeah fault is that this is maintenance required You got to get it fucking required. I think you did the machine is lying to you Well, I can't skip class. Oh, you look at Asians. Yeah Go to go get it. I'm gonna curve You're gonna fuck up the curve. No get the car fix because I gave it to you now you feel bad to apologize Okay, she won't all right. Are you mad at me right now? No, okay

So you're gonna move out because you want to be free and catch didn't you not say that long? I don't know. Yeah, and then when I adopt a kid right Samoan or whatever the kid's name is Oh, I thought you said it was gonna be Samoan a Samoan kid will be bigger than me Everyone's every kid's bigger than that's true, but he's just gonna be much bigger. Look at that. Yeah, could be your son I know and I don't know how to play rugby. You know me I don't know how to roast a pig, but also maybe this is good growth for you Maybe you do need a son who's bigger than you. Yeah. Yeah, you know, he's more Asian I want to go outside on my race. I'm gonna come in great. Let's just come in. Yeah, and so I

Opened the door. Hello Bobby. Hi, let me start over because I'm not gonna say hello I wanted to be a different guy But you're you know, I'm gonna just be myself, but like a little bit more serious do whatever you do if this is the real All right, here we go. All right, this is my associate. We're this is my associate. I want to be the kid You got it. Oh, you think this kid just in the fucking room They are all right. We'll take it then. They're not gonna do that. Well. Yeah, because they want to know if the kids It has any interest in you. It doesn't happen later. I don't know, but let's find out. All right Good evening, it's four in the morning

What are you doing in our fucking office? No, it's dark. Yeah, four a.m. Why are you here? I made the assumption that it was evening. I apologize. Good morning. Good morning. How are you? Good morning? Hello, are you open? I mean you walked in Anyway, I'm so I didn't see a sign You whether it was open or closed, but I know this is an adoption agency. Am I correct? It is but we're usually an open till You know like at least should I come back? Well, you're here now. So, okay, what would you like? Hello? Hi My name is mr. Lee

Hi, mr. Lee. Good to me and I would love to adopt a child if you may You're looking to adopt. It's a long arduous process. I mean, that's fine Does cash help? How much cash do you have sir? A couple grand? It's more much much more than a hundred grand much more than a couple hundred grand. That's fine. That's close I have a couple hundred grand. What color of child are you looking for? I don't want cork or okay So you want either black or white? No, white. No white. No, we have an awful lot of whites because if I get a white I just know this because I watch a show called long last family. Mm-hmm

And it's a lot of white people on the show and so it's like I just want to know who You know my biological parents are when they had a good life with the adoptive parents That's fucking betrayal. Okay. All right. So can I tell you something? I feel I don't like I'm not I sir You're energy right now. I feel like I'm I'm not gonna get one right now These folks I'll tell you something right now, man. I love the box of awesome box of awesome is great Let me say something during the holidays like Christmas or my birthday is and whatnot, right? I love opening up a box of awesome because they know what I like and open it up And it's like the kind of soaps I like right Nick

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You really want to fucking adopt a kid? I really do Bobby Lee wants to adopt a kid because I'll tell you why Can I be honest with you? Please? There's a show that I've been binging from season one to season six 90 day fiance No long-lost family. This is real bring this up. I've never heard of this in my life What's long-lost family and is it all about people that got adopted? Yeah, it's basically a by-law. It's not by an adopted kid or parents looking for their son daughter or Mother-father, right? It's fucking so sweet, but it's crazy because some of them are so heartbreaking Yeah, I mean and and so it's a great show and you cry in every episode and I realized that You know a lot of kids they just need a loving home. They need love. Yeah, and for me

It's like I wouldn't even like when they when they're curious about their biological parents I'd be I'd keep all the information and I would help them find, you know, and then you know What is this? It's just me being I'm just right now when I when I'm more real You're being real right now. I guess get a little jittery Okay, so one of my best friends from college adopted uh-huh and this is a true story Uh-huh and his mom his biological mom one day reached out because of Facebook Facebook is this Way to connect to anybody in the world she

DM'd him and was like Hey, were you born in this location at this year because I think I'm your mother Yeah, and if you want to meet up, let me know blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah, I'm not gonna tell you Do you think he met up with this woman? Yes. What about you? Yes, Pete. Yes. Yeah. No, why? He I think he had such a wonderful life with his adopted parents who are the fucking greatest people I've ever met I love them. Yeah, and that was his mom and dad to him and he didn't want to meet up And by the way, he's a fucking adopted kid. He has every right to feel that way. You don't know what that's like

So we can't I don't judge. I can judge by watching this. I can you can't I will you can't because you never live that experience But here's the thing you don't know what it's like. He doesn't know the circumstances in which his own life No, listen, would you listen for one and make that face here that you make right? He doesn't know the circumstances in which why his parents gave him up. He does she he she told him She told she said why why cuz she got pregnant really young and it was with a guy She was seeing and right couldn't she didn't want to have the baby Like when a kid when when a month like if when you were 15 He had a kid right and you couldn't back in the Philippines. You couldn't you know, man

You would probably give it up for adoption. They have it in the Philippines. They have it and they put it outside They let it run around. Oh, that's right. That's somebody grabs. Yeah. Yeah, if you but but I'm saying his circumstance It's his right to feel like he doesn't want to go fucking meet those people. I totally stand with him good for him If he he's not being mean he just chooses not to go see them his family to him were the people that raised him Hmm because dude, let me tell you something as a guy who came from somebody. Yeah, who's biological father never raised me Uh-huh. My stepfather did yeah, that's my dad. My stepfather is my dad. He was my dude He was everything to me. Yeah, my biological father is a guy that had me. Yeah. Yeah, do you not talk to him? We do occasionally is he have red hair in California? No, does he have red hair?

Yeah, my mom's side. Oh, yeah, I know it's my last name Santino I know it's really easy math to figure out where it comes from. What you think a Santino had red hair No, right cuz they're Italian. That's right. Your mother had that's right and I remember that because I saw a vagina so anyway I did nothing I I faked it cuz you said something stupid Pick up the art So I saw an episode this morning where um this young Hispanic couple Cuban You know the the girls 15 the husband was 16 They were in high school and they had a kid they had a kid

They gave it up for adoption because their kids but then when they graduated they got married and had like five kids Biologically kids on their own. Oh, wow, but the whole time they're thinking about the kid they gave up Yeah, right cuz they had that and then when they find the kid The kid DJs like her his dad did like there's certain what's so funny He DJs like daddy What is that how can you DJ like a girl on a girl was found her biological dad. She's she has DJ like your dad what a fucking bullshit. That's bullshit

Is what I'm saying DJ. Yeah. Yeah. There was another girl who has an animal sanctuary But then she finds her biological dad and he has an animal sanctuary too, right? So they have suits in the blood is what I'm saying you think that's in the blood Oh, you think it's just a coincidence. I do really I do I do okay And can I tell you something what I can't wait for you to adopt Will you treat my son or daughter with respect bully bully bully? I'm gonna bully the shit out of your kids. How about you? Yeah, really though, let's go back for a second. I'm not gonna be mean cuz I love you you're like family to me You're like my little sister

Do you? Really want your own place because you want to be able to hang out with people your own age and have a boy come over you do Don't you? Yeah, see? So you listen, it's okay. You're how old are you now? So you you want it if you want to go on a date and hook up you want a place to do it because you don't want to go Back to their house. That's really what it is No, I also just want to live Independent I know but come on you do want to be able to hang out with boys and not feel weird

Yeah, that's really what it is. But she doesn't realize that's what it is. She's 20. He doesn't pay rent at our house She doesn't pay for really much of it. How much is rent? Do you know how much rent is that you're like what would be your scale of renting an apartment? How much would it be? I? Was looking it up. It was like Almost Like one thousand two hundred two two thousand. That's about right. You think you can a roommate. Yeah with a roommate Can you afford that? No, right? So what are we talking about here? Who's gonna pay for it? I don't know, but okay?

I'm saving you're saving but what I'm saying is is that even when you say right and you have to pay You don't know the roommate usually sometimes, right? Yeah, 1400 a month They're annoying average, right? They probably play their music really loud at four in the morning You're not gonna have the dogs or the cats you won't because they're gonna be with us, right? You can be very lonely. You're not gonna be able to eat whatever you want to you can eat whatever we go to whatever you want I say you want Lambert's we'll go to Lambert's you want a boa steakhouse? We'll go to spore steakhouse, right? I can just eat McDonald's. Look at that. Yeah, 790 square foot average is 2,500 a month Wow, good luck

So you so you think if we if you eat McDonald's and you don't have a car payment and You live with a roommate and you penny pinch And it's when if you'll sit in your room and you grab two little penny two little coins and you just squeeze it You make more money that's how more money comes out. That's where it comes from with a penny angel comes Have you ever seen a penny angel? Show her the penny angel. It's insane. Yeah. Yeah. That's not real. Yes. It's folklore Wivesail, but if you print, you know her pant penny pincer you pinch it heart tight and a penny angel come

Okay, so see that little simmer. That's a penny angel. So the penny angel will come into your room and yeah Hello, I'm the penny angel right and and and and it says you how many pennies would you need? Yeah, and what do you say? But why penny? Can I get like 50 bucks? Well, yes, if you tell me how many pennies is in 50 bucks Yeah, so you have to tell her the math if you tell her the math She'll be able to give it to you 10,000 10,000 pennies. Yeah, how many monies is that? I don't know. Goodbye

Yeah, what the fuck you think money is free and she doesn't have a lot of time because there's a probably 10 million people at the same time Penny pinching. Yep. She has to go to you know what the penny angel the penny angel is carrying not only pennies But other denominations for other fucking country obviously he's got rubies. He's got Whatever the angel is right. It's whatever it is to you. It doesn't have to be it's thousands and thousands of pounds of just coins She's flying around. So and she only has a second and you fucked up. You fucked up Forever As long as we need you to be at his house, you'll be at his house. Yeah, I won't take care of your kid You will know I won't why cuz it's your kid

Yeah, but it's your kid if you're living in the house, too It's your little brother if I have to go to the comedy store and do a set you got to go out of town, right? What do I do? Should I get a babysitter? You're a fucking babysitter. No, I'm gonna take care of the dogs and the kid and the kid No, that's not well. Here's the fix dummy put the kid on the dog Tie it to it or duct tape it. Yeah, and then let them watch each other Mm-hmm. That's what we did. Yeah, you just put duct tape on the kid and duck its duct tape its hands and its legs to the dog And let it roam around the dogs big enough Mm-hmm. Well, what about this? Why don't we duct tape the baby to your body? No?

That's a fucking great. That's great. We duct tape it. What if you stick it in your body? What is your bull in the china shop have you ever heard that phrase how could a bull even get in a china shop the doors are What do you mean? Can they fit in the door? Of course as a double door Ever been in a china shop. Yes. No, never never happened. Well, first of all I've never have you ever been in it. I'm not saying a pure war imports or bedbath in a China shop You've been to a China shop where they only have China people Chinese people not Chinese people The dishes and stuff. Yeah, the Chinese restaurant. No, no, no a china shop is different. No, it's not What is the difference a china shop sells dishes and stuff the only recorded incident?

I know which were the bulls delivery deliberately introduced to a china shop was one engineer by a famous American publicist and press agent Jim Moran who in January 1940 led a bull through a New York City china shop as a publicity stunt. So it did happen one time That's insane. That's enough for me and and then now we use it as a a turn of phrase Yeah, I gotta tell you you could put a bull in a china shop. I'd rather put in a Korean shop That's rude. Why you think we're gonna eat it What do you think bull tastes like well, I'm sure bully bull is a male cows public delicious Yeah, right. Yeah, no, it's actually no because there's probably not enough fat. It's probably more muscle But we have in this restaurant. We go do some Sunandang Sunandang. You've been there. Yeah. Have you really? Yeah in Koreatown

Yeah, yeah on Western. Um, yeah, we get the ox tail soup ox tail soup is really good. Yeah, that's really good shit You like that you do so you're okay with that kind of stuff. Yeah, but you don't like most Korean food I like Korean food. That's not what you said to me off-camera That's let me ask you something. What's better? What's better? What's better Korean food or Filipino food? Be honest Yeah, yeah, what is Filipino food anymore Filipino food is very delicious. Is it yeah When we went to that island remember went to that island in the Philippines. Yeah, and you go to the speech and there's a gigantic table Probably double the size of this right and there's a fish on there and other stuff on it. There's no plates

At all you see eat with your hands. Yeah, and they just go dig in and you just eat with your hands and eat That's kind of cool though. It's cool. Cuz why did cutlery gets so it's like you have to wash all that stuff Yeah, yeah, I do like eating with my hands. I don't know why we don't eat with our hands all the time And there's enzymes in your hands that that are good for you. You know that right? And they also have Michelin star quality restaurants in the Philippines in Cebu. Yeah, wow really great rest. You've never been Yeah, you shouldn't you know deserve. They're afraid to you know in the Philippines They're afraid to go into what because if they think it's too snooty the shower. Oh Starbucks. Oh, they won't go in That's for these people

How is it expensive? kinda and like The people that go there are like the rich people. What are the rich people? What it like? What is that? What does that even mean like some of those two goats? Yeah? At the same time I said two goats. Yeah, they have shoes. Yeah. Hey, I saw Batman by the way finally we can resolve this I Saw it Would you finally saw would you see it the Batman two nights ago? Would you see it with by myself? Tracy didn't go your wife Tracy didn't go. Okay, and it was

Pretty fucking dog shit Stand by my word Samson Simpson. It was trash. It's so funny guy on Twitter Said and I have it because I responded to him. I saw I responded to you. You did you yeah He said I was siding with Andrew and I saw it and he said I think it's the best one yet Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So one guy on Twitter. No, a lot of people are saying that but you said I'm always right What did you know? What did you not like about and I responded Bobby's always one. Would you not like about it? Thank you, Jules I heard the wall What did I not like about the movie that we've talked about it for like five weeks straight?

I think we've talked about every episode but I know but you finally have seen it So now we can get a real don't care about it. It was bullshit Okay, it was bullshit nothing. None of the performances were good. Nope Okay, nope 85 Yeah, I don't actually the only score. I trust his audience. I don't trust the tomato meter. So 88 is pretty good. Yeah What was dark night? 94 Jesus you're welcome

Not even close them. The dark night was so fucking good. It can't be touched. It can't fancy I agree it is so fucking good. It's amazing and this new one is this new one It's just because you want we all wanted another one. It's not cuz it's that good. You never saw it. I did There's no what you did. I did. I saw it two nights ago. Okay, you nothing about it The let me ask you this don't do any spoilers. I'm not but the chasing you didn't like between the Batman and who? Great, the chase scene was great between who? The chase scene was great between Batman and who Batman and Robin You never saw it. It was the Riddler. No, it wasn't it was the Riddler. No, it wasn't it was the Joker

You didn't see it. Why would you lose poison Ivy? Why don't you just watch the movie? You know is the penguin. Why don't you just watch it was the penguin? I just said it was the penguin was the penguin Yes, I just said it. Yeah. Yeah, I told you I said nothing about it. You liked it was fine How come you didn't get cast to pay the penguin? You literally are a penguin body, and I'm not being rude or diminutive you actually have a penguin body It's perfect. Bring him a picture of a penguin right now, please You're thinking I'm being rude. I'm being genuine. You don't think you look like a penguin. I Look like a fucking leprechaun with this green shirt on you don't think that

I Look like a fucking leprechaun. You don't think you look that's what I look like Okay, this show should be a leprechaun in a penguin shots of espresso, but not normal. That's a hundred percent Bobby Lee Look, oh go to the one with the hair slick back the yellow hair slip back. Yeah left left left there Bobby Lee That is me Jules All right You should have been the penguin yeah the Batman the new Batman movie was great. It was great. You didn't like it

Yeah, but it wasn't the dark night. I know but it's still when you walked out. No, it wasn't the dark night Would you watch the next one? If it if oh actually would I watch it? I would want to watch it with another different Batman. Yeah. Oh So you didn't like Robert Patterson. I went into it with bias, but you didn't like him. I Thought he was great. He dude. He's a great actor. I didn't want him as Batman. So in my mind I already fucked it up. I know but it's like you can still change your mind and go I was wrong. The problem with you it always is that you are stubborn. You're very stubborn. No, I'm not yeah And you're revengeful

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Make sure you're ready to have confidence and it's control this year get roman ready Get roman.com slash bad friends the last week. I did something we were doing comedy back-to-back, right? What are you talking about in the main room? Oh, yeah at the store when they were bringing you up on stage I would block you from going on stage time out So let me finish let me fucking finish I wasn't even talking you can't fucking interrupt me. You have to say something that's correct Three weeks in a row three weeks in a row. We're in the main room green room and Bobby Blocks the door from me going on stage and then I have to fight him on it and then he goes stop

You're hurting me when you fucking block me from going on stage, right? And then so last night is what you're talking about. Yeah, then I held you from getting on stage That's being your revengeful. That's paying you back. That's that's a payback is your deal What do you mean? Revenge? What would I do? Let you just not let you get away with it? Just let it go! That's my thing! What's your thing? Blocking people!

Yeah! You steal! I steal what? You steal pranks. You steal other things. I stole you blocking. Yeah, that's my thing Oh, that's your bit my essence. Oh, that's your bit. That's my bit. Oh, I did the same thing I'm gonna do the same thing was so dumb And also, can I just say something? Keenan was in the audience. You want to talk about I need to go up on stage You want to talk about dumb? Oh, you're gonna, if you're gonna bring up something If you're gonna bring up something, I'm gonna bring it back to you. Okay. Go ahead. No, go ahead

Tell me. Tell me. So last night I was going to go up on stage and you go, how does it feel like buddy? Yeah, I said, how does it feel bitch? How does it feel you little fucking bitch? Yeah. Yeah, and it's like number one And I could tell you were weird because first of all People that haven't seen us back to back like in real life. You're six foot something. Six one. I'm five one two That's ten feet! Four feet! Yeah, I'm way taller. Yeah, and so you're a bully because I can't get through you. You can really get through me I couldn't get through you in the main room. Yes, you can. I'm a penguin apparently. You can't wipe out a penguin? You're as wide as the door. It's hard to get around you. You're like a fucking doorstop. How do I get around that thing?

Alright, so what I'm saying is it's like putting a fucking bowling ball. You're a bully. What you did last night was bully. You started it It's my prank. It's not a prank. It's what a little man does. It's what a little man does to the big man It's because a little man feels insecure and that's your problem not mine. Exactly. But the big man? So go outside. When the big man does the little man, it looks weird. You, by the way, you start that stuff at the store and Bobby had a fucking phenomenal set last night. It was a little annoying Oh, dude, the other night. Keenan Thompson came to watch Bobby. Watch Bobby crush Keenan Thompson. Shout out to that fucking dude. He's a comedian genius. What a nice guy. I think he's one of the best comedians that's ever graced that show and I'm not placating. I actually mean that because every time I see him

I'm always like, God, that's he's so It looks like he's having fun. Whatever that means. It looks like he's having a good time, but he watched you Well, first he came up. Then he left. I was in the parking lot. He gave me a hug. Give me a hug. Big hug. He goes, how you doing, man? I go, good. What is that? An impression of Keenan? Okay And I go, um, there he is You know him? Yeah, from SNL. Yeah, she watches SNL. So Keenan comes up. He gives me a hug and he goes and I go, um

Oh, he's gonna watch. He's like, I want to watch you. So he comes in, right? And you know He blocks me from the stage to go up. Yep. So Keenan's in the audience. Keenan doesn't know that and I'm trying to get up I know but I'm trying to get up, right? Which fucked me up. You still did great. Well, I'm a professional I'm a prop, right? And then, um Because you blocked me when I left the stage I go Keenan What does that mean? Let's leave the room. Oh because I was going on next. Yeah, that's good. I wanted him out of the room Hmm. I was actually telling someone I go, can you get those guys out of the seats out of the room? Can I say I have another resentment towards you? Please

When we talk about real things don't roll your eyes, dude. Okay, you say out of nowhere I have a resentment towards you. What do you want my fucking reaction to be? Be curious to see what it is so you can resolve it. Say it again. I'll be curious. Go ahead and out of love. Say it again I have a resentment towards you. What is it? What is it? Do the oh, I roll it's better. Okay. Do it again. Yeah. I have a resentment towards you. What is it? Okay, good What is it? So You went up in the main room and I don't know why but at the comedy store Emily in the main room thinks

That it's just better to put me after him. Yeah. Yeah, it's not it is rhythmically. It is I don't think so. It works better and You know, you've been doing way more stand-up than me and I have to admit right now and I think you'll like this I will admit this to the world. You're a better stand-up than I am. You have better jokes. It's just we're different Dude, it's I don't know what you're doing right now because this is the kind of shit I said you agree with thank you. That's not on camera. You would say something else. No, I wouldn't yeah No, I would say you're a fucking liar. Thank you for saying something nice, but I were very different

So that's true. Yes, but But the other night you crushed hard. I did okay I fuck it second. Okay. Okay. I did great. You crushed hard. It was good Right, you brought me up. Yeah, pretty good intro. I give you always good intros great But I give better ones because I said I love you last night. Okay You never say love Because you never say I say I love him to the audience doesn't get a laugh You want to get a laugh when I bring you up? I'm very sincere. I go

I love him and that you know that because when you went up on stage last night you go That's really nice that you said I said that was very nice, but you never say that about me. What do I say about you? I say nice. I love you. I say this guy. I really love one of my best friends We do so what my point is so I when you went up crushed, right? Yeah, and literally for a minute Silence, what do you mean? Oh when you got on when I went up? No. Yes. Yes I couldn't get it going so then I'm like I'm like now because it's you that crushed and and also like half the like quarter of the crowd are bad friend friends So now I'm going oh, no. No. Oh, this is terrible. This sucks

Right, and then I just started spinning and the only way I could get laughs is riffing Well, you killed so I had to riff to get some laugh It ended up killing and then afterwards when I came up to you ago and I told you my thing You mocked me. What I go I I go Do I because I really did eat it. I came off a switch. I was sweating And I would you know how your heart pounds and like what the fuck just happened right? It's all happened to us And I go I just ate it and you're like, oh, fuck you. You know, you didn't Not mock me, but like brushed me aside. No, I was saying to you

But then I realized let it go. Fuck it. What I realized later The reason why you did that Because you ate it in the original room. I did bad. I heard that That it was really embarrassing. It was embarrassing. I didn't have a shot. I didn't have a good set I heard it was the worst. Oh, who said that? Whoever was on the lineup. Who was on the lineup mark marin mark said that He just goes home. Yeah, he tinkers with his cats. Yeah Shout out to mark marin and his fucking cats. Love him. Oh, so do you know where on race is regular street closets?

We could take it so we can just have to walk around. These are his regular street clothes That's insane after you pass your citizenship test. You have to wear that right. I did not know don't you? Mm-hmm. It's funny to It's funny because I keep looking down at where your Should be. Yeah, but there's almost nothing there. It's like a Barbie doll No, you could say kendall same thing, but yeah Fancy, yeah First of all, happy birthday. Thank you. It's your fucking birthday. It is bobby and I

Spent an enormous amount of money on your gifts. I bet all american gifts to like about seven months Yeah, well six, but yeah, I mean six of them. Let's not give you exaggerate. I'm excited. All right Well, let's open some of your gifts because it's your birthday. We're excited specifically this first one right right there It's specifically from andrew. That's this is from me. Yes. This is true. This is actually from me very. Oh, wow And he got you Oh, did the little americans like a ball? Yeah, it's a no. It's a football kiddo. I mean football. Let me see you throw it, buddy Let's see you throw it to big big red Really good sweetheart. Wow, put your hands out. Let's see me throw it to you back. You ready? Can you catch this? Yeah?

Nice, and you can talk to it like in the movie castaway All right, so that's your first american boy gift. How do you feel about that that brown ball good good Honestly, I've never been a wide ones. What I like the wide ones better, but it's a throw it to me. Yeah, he likes someone It's wide I honestly do you put your fingers in it like this? Yeah, no, I just throw it like this You throw it like this and spin it there. Very good. Here. Let me see. Yeah, I don't know how to spin it little american boy Right, I know but here's coming out Yeah, slowly

There it is. Let me see one more time Wait, how do I? Laces and then right there Nice inches away from really do it do it do it hard as you can American boy, you got your little football Right there's for me. Go ahead. This is from you. Yeah, this is from Bobby Yeah, that is true of the site of this big one and I'll explain it because he knows yep There you go. Do you know what this is? Diabetes. Yeah, this is corn syrup

So this is one of our favorite things as american citizens. We love it. We love this stuff So in the morning, I know you're gonna think this is crazy Yeah, because it's not in your test. It's kind of like you know kind of like when you learn spanish But they're street spanish and then their school's right. This is an american thing They don't talk about we take a shot of this every morning when we wake up Oh, here's also what we do at nights. We you know that your ice cube tray Yeah, you replace your water with that. We freeze it, right? Yep, and you stick a cube in your mouth while you're Falling asleep, right? So it just you can get a taste of it throughout the night. You can also use it for lube

That's right. Very good lube, right? This net the so the first the small red one is from Rudy Let me see. Rudy will explain why I'm not an american citizen. It doesn't matter. Rudy will explain why you give it. Yeah, damn it What is that Rudy? protein whey protein and A little weight. Why'd you give it to him because fans you need to lose some weight? No, well that would I'll take it. I'll take it. Yeah. Let me see you do some curls Yeah Look at that

Can I teach you how to do curls put that stuff down real fast put them both down? I'm gonna teach you the easiest way Put the protein down. This is the but I'm gonna tell you the proper form do curls put your hand like this And now like grab like a coke can okay now put it up up above your head and then Like put okay, and then go like this. Ah like that and then shake a salt shaker into your mouth. That's it. That's it Okay next gift Are you so happy you're getting all these gifts little american boy This one's from peat. This is from peat and this is from peat and carlos and carlos

Oh Nice Who is that jules? Um, so fucking fine. I knew she wasn't gonna know. Yeah Who is that jules the greatest american hero in history period period in terms of music fought in fucking world war one two And three and three the future one that's kind of come up. This guy's a fuck this guy is yeah, dare I say the boss? Yeah Mick jagger mick fucking jagger. You got it. Yeah, you got it. That's mick jagger We love my god name one of his songs mick jagger that guy

I What's one of his fucking songs Footloose That's right. Footloose by mick jagger Sunday shoes. Yeah, that's right. Okay It's embarrassing. I don't know You know, duolipa, you know the jonas brothers. Why would those information be right? And you don't know who the fuck is embarrassing. Hey, it's his birthday. That's right. Open up gifts. What do you got there, buddy?

Hey, what does my little friend have? Beef jerky and cigarettes Yay And a guy Some things this is what I was waiting for stick it in your mouth. Yeah, that's Well, that's the american way. That's the american way. So here's the deal There's only a few people you can point that at your wife a cop Or yourself

Oh, that's it. That's it. Enjoy the gun. You do realize we started this show. Yeah bad friends two years ago with a gun Yep. Oh, yeah, that was right. That was fun. What did you get you got you got dip I got dip. Is that a ten of dip buddy? Throw me that horse. Do you know how to pack a dip? Do you know how to pack this? I have no idea. You've seen this fancy. You're seeing this Okay, that's how you pack it. Mm-hmm. You never seen this? Never. Okay. So you put your hands like this and use this hand as like a floppy D Do you see that? Yeah, and that packs the dip in so go ahead and do it

What's a dip? It's tobacco There it is. Let's see Very good american boy What else did you get kiddo? You got dvds? Uh bonanza It's a little bonanza tv show Yeah, what else? Yeah, Kenny Rogers. Oh So good

So good. He won't take his music down from Spotify. All right. What else do we got up there? Okay, my last man is your last gift and look at me in the face before you open it This is actually from all the bad friends. This is from all of us. What is it? It's a porno mag, isn't it? It's my favorite This is before the internet, but yeah, thank you. What do you mean? That's post internet too. Okay. Can I see the hustler real quick? I haven't seen one in a while. That's all and a beer helmet. Yay All right fancy, do you want to close out the episode and say thank you for all your gifts? Thank you Why don't you look in that camera and thank everyone for being a bad friend go ahead

Yeah, so thankful for being an american This country has to be me so well And thank you for being a bad friend I watched the frank sinatra documentary on netflix. Did anybody see it you bob you would love this I would never watch it Really? I don't like them. You don't like frank sinatra. What the fuck? What the fuck does that mean? What the fuck does that mean? I'm gonna tell you of course you do everybody likes fucking frank sinatra I don't like, you know, how they

You know what I mean? What what is that? Hey, baby? I don't like it. You don't like that baby. I don't like it, baby You know, I mean, I don't like the whole suit thing. New york. Yeah, I don't like the music sucks Fuck you. New york. I don't give a fuck about no new york Right, what do you want to sing it about? California love He wrote that song. Oh you did frank sinatra California love No, he's a good dude. No, I know I'm sure he's a great guy. I know nothing about the rat pack and the whole thing

It's just not my thing Why is that not your thing? I don't like the music. I don't like what they represent. I don't like what are they? I don't like any of that. You don't like chivalry No Yeah, you like treating women like shit. No, I just opening up the car door. You have hands, bitch Open your own car. That's the kind of attitude. I like to hear. Yeah. Yeah, but not because of the thing is that we're equals What men and women are equals? I view them in an equal playing field. That's why I say it So they should pay for half of everything. They should open their own doors. I I pay for things right pay for everything

Yeah, but I do it to dudes too When like if I'm like if I'm going out with Andreas never happened never will but go ahead. We've had dinner before though Yeah, and not yeah only because it was a bad friend's dinner that I organized anyway if I'm going out with somebody like Carlos Which I have Carlos from this show. Yes, not after an AA meeting just regular Maybe after a that sounds right. Yeah, all right. We'll forget it then. Let me give you another name anybody kind of hard to find another name

Seems like no like seems like you're certain my openers Like Fahim Anwar back in the day love Fahim, right? So actually I want to tell a story me and Swartz and went out this place called ginpachi It's a nice sushi restaurant and we're like hey Bob come meet us for For dinner and Bobby shows up. We've eaten already like three quarters of the meal. Bobby's like, oh, no, no No, I just I'll order when I get there. Bobby's late as usual We're done. He orders a bunch of sushi. He has no idea how much we've ordered

And then to trying to be cool and sweet and nice, which is very generous. Bobby's like, I'll get the tab I'll I'll pick up the bill and I was like, are you sure because it you know and you had no idea Yeah, it was so expensive. It was like 580. Yeah, I was like Yeah, yeah as soon as he took the bill and then he opened up and he went like this he went What? Yeah, I did that. You had no idea