Bad Friends - Bobby Complex & The Tall Whites

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

New Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors: https://www.doordash.com code: BADFRIENDS2022 & https://www.liquid-iv.com code: BADFRIENDS & https://butcherbox.com/badfriends & https://betterhelp.com/badfriends YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriends 0:00 Andrew Is On Tour  0:39 You and Me, Me and You  7:14 Buca On Your Mind  14:30 Roommates from Hell  18:10 A Special Surprise  24:57 Bobby and Andrew Dig Doc's Wardrobe  30:02 What Bobby Wants to Prove to his Mom  35:44 Who has a God Complex?  44:44 You Don't Exist in my World  49:15 Bobby's History Lesson about Korea  55:59 Mad TV's Johnny Gan & Pongo   58:19 Bobby and Andrew Can't Join Scientology   1:12:37 The Bad Friends Human CentipedeMore Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andres Rosende & Pete Forthun This podcast episode was sponsored by Candy Crush Sponsorships: on for this episode Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Bad Friends fans, this weekend I'm in Irvine, March 18th to 19th. I'm at the Irvine Improv and Bob is telling you if you don't sell it out, he's gonna quit this show. So yeah, so that's that. Go get the tickets or I'm gonna quit this show. You're gonna quit the show. I told you to say what you're supposed to say, so say that, alright? And then I'm in Vegas at the end of the month, then I go to Dallas, Vancouver, we're putting up more dates as we go. AndrewSantino.com, AndrewSantino.com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

White people and Asian people. You two are disgusting. Who are you two or something? We're bad friends. Anchor. If you haven't heard about anchor, it's the easiest way to make a podcast. It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain.

Oh please. It's free. Awesome, that's cool. These are, there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer. You do it from your phone like on the go? Oh my God, yeah, and on the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool. Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many, many, many, many, many more.

Many, many more. Go ahead. You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started.

To, for T, and T, for two, you, and me, and you, together again. Oh, is that it? I don't know what you're doing. I started out with a song. We started out with a song sometime. Oh, I know. Oh, you're making up one? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know correctly if we're making it up. Well, two for T is a song.

Yeah, yeah, the deer line was good. T is for deer. Let's try it again. All right. To, for T, and T, for T, no, a teenage deer. It sounds like you're doing dough, a deer, and I'm just going, a teenage deer. Don't you know what, does everybody know what T for two is? T, for two, and two, type that in.

I've never heard of that. Well, whites. T, for two, and two, for T. Is that it? T for two, Doris Day. Doris Day, yeah. Bro, this is like white shit, bro. I said white shit. I have a white Korean dude that's like from the streets, no white shit. Oh, and I don't know any Korean stuff.

I love Korean stuff. Give me a Korean thing. T for two, and two, for T. No, you're doing it too wrong. It's T for T, a T, a teenage deer. So what did I do last night, by the way, or what, last night? Two nights ago. I did scissor brothers.

I'm sorry. Me too. You were great. I can't believe I did that. You were great. I stole Jeremiah's baby. Yeah. We did a little game.

I actually had a really good time filming it in their sex dungeon. It's not even sex dungeon. It's disgusting. It's terrible. It's disgusting. You almost want to go, am I going to die? I could hear raccoons clawing at the fucking side of the ground. You know what I can hear?

In the back, teenage deers just... Just eating, going to toe, bar G. Can I ask you something? Are there deers that are teenagers? That's all I need to know. What's the lifespan of a deer? Yeah, yeah. The average lifespan of a deer is two to three years, so no, they never make it to teenager.

No, but that would mean that a teenage deer would be like nine months old or whatever. Well, no. What's deer years to human years? That's what I'm saying. Like dog years. They have teenagers. It's probably a month, though. Yeah.

Yeah. They have a month to smoke pot. You know what I mean? Just kind of out of a job. You know what I mean? Only a few male deer live in captivity have been reported to live more than 15 years. Humanation deer years. Conversion.

Yeah. Human to deer years. So for every one year is two and a quarter years of a deer. We can do any animal here, too. This is great. Well, that's any animal? That's fucking bull shit. No, we can compute any animal, he's saying.

Oh, I see. I thought that was just a thing for every animal. Okay, so what about the turtle that looks for 300 years? So wait. Time out. A 16-year-old deer. Oh, my God. We have to do math.

This is terrible. Yeah, this is a lot harder than I thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's 2.29 of one human, right? Mm-hmm. So, so... Why do we need to... So go to 16...

I should have never said teenage deer. Type in 16 year... I want to do this. Yeah, yeah. Type in 16 for a deer. Just type in 16. It's not letting me type on it. Like this fucking guy.

Did you get the coffee? No, he definitely didn't. Oh. Did we get the premium package for this website? We... How come we're not subscribed to this human conversion? Yeah. Easy calculation.

Can we just get a boost? This is... Anyway, who gives a shit? Yeah. You saw Batman for the second time. Yeah. Did you like it the second time around? You know what lives longer than less than a teenage deer?

Or a deer in general? That... I just fucked the joke up. Let me... Let me give you another go. Go ahead. All right. Do you want to...

Do you know what dies? Let me just see. I just did the wording. Do you know what dies earlier than a deer? What? Carlos's hairline. Oh. It's not good.

See, it's just that bad. Yeah. Batman. Cut all that out and call... Let's talk about Batman. No. Leave that in. Yeah, yeah.

The Batman. Did you see it? Did not. Refused to. I'm going to see it. I'm just... I'm not in the mood for... I've been fighting all the trolls on the internet are mad about me saying Robert Pattinson

I don't like is a Batman. You're wrong. You don't know you're talking about... Yeah. I don't... Look, I don't want the kid from Twilight to be Batman. Yeah. He's absolutely amazing.

Sue me. He's amazing. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like his look. I didn't like Steve Martin and Cheaper Brother Dozen. Sure you did.

That movie was amazing. I just thought it could have gone to March Short. No. No. I mean, that's how silly that sounds though. No, it doesn't. Yeah. Like, I don't want...

I want Batman to be a tough guy. A guys guy. This guy isn't a guys guy. I don't want Cape Lancer to play Queen Elizabeth. I want Idris Elba. No. That one's not close. Okay.

I'm just saying. Queen Elizabeth is not a black guy. I know. I mean, that now... I want always Batman to be a guy's guy. A tough guy. He's a tough guy in this dude. No, he's not.

But he's a little emo. Emo is... Why could he listen to a little Dashboard Confessional? Because that's not Batman. He... This Batman listens to Dashboard Confessional. He cuts himself. Right?

Boo. He's a... Batman's supposed to be a vapid, rich asshole who's like a tough piece... This like tough, rough neck who's trying to avenge his parents' death. But can I just say he is more violent than all the other Batman? The film is more violent. He is. The character.

I don't believe him. What? The fucking movie, man. It's so good. Let me say something right now. I don't believe him. I'm allowed to feel this way. All right.

But you know Poison Ivy's in it? And it's... What's her name? It's Lenny Kravitz's kid, right? No, that's Catwoman. Oh, she's Catwoman. Yeah. Who's Poison Ivy?

That girl that's in Queen's Gambit. Oh, I love her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's her name? Anya Taylor-Joy. Anya Taylor-Joy. She's in it. She's got those big shark eyes.

Right. And she like plants trees. Yeah, that's great. So she's Poison Ivy. Yeah. I still don't... I just don't get it. I just want a man's man.

And Harry Styles is like... I think that he's... Harry Styles is like being uplifted to be Robin. Because he's in it. I think... Because his name is Robin and I just assume he's Robin. I went to the Grove to see it and I fell asleep. And I just...

I had to leave. Fucking love you, Carlos! Yeah, yeah. Because it's great. Because it's bullshit, isn't it? No, it was honestly too late. And I took anxiety medication. I just passed out.

He was high. He was high. And this is such fucking bullshit what addicts do. They go, well, I was on anxiety medication. No, you were fucking... You were high. He passed out of your mind and probably a little drinky drink, huh? No, I didn't drink.

A little drinky drink, huh? No, this is all projecting Bobby's... Is that really a 10-day fucking acid head? You fucking... Where's my coffee, man? You have two Red Bulls. Oh, that's true. And an oat milk.

Thank you for this. Yeah. But can I talk about what I just went through with my parent mom? Please. So, I realized that I was born to be fucked. I mean, I had no chance with my parents raising me and stuff. You mean you were... You were...

There's no... Like, I'll just give you an example. You were dealt a bad hand. Yeah. So, you know, I went through all the things that I went through and, you know, and I... What I discovered in the place that I went to was that my mom had a tough life and she, you know, I wouldn't want to be sympathetic toward her. Right.

And have empathy toward her. And I've never done this before, we are at a Starbucks in Phoenix. And I just took both her hands and I go, Mom, I am so sorry the way you were raised, you know, the way you discovered your sister dead that one time and then you came to America and then you were born into an abusive home and it was just chaos in your life. And I'm sort of literally crying and she goes, Bukka. And I go... Was that a new drink at Starbucks?

No, I thought it was a Korean word. I go, Buk... So, she goes, Bukka de Beppo, I hungry. Oh, she wanted to eat. Yeah. And I go, oh, okay, this is... This kind of talk... I got to tell you, though, once you got Bukka on the mind, it's hard to get one.

Once Bukka's on the brain. I know. It's like, when you think about, like, nine pounds of lasagna, right, and all that chopped salad. Bukka de Beppo. Yeah. Bukka de Beppo. No, but...

I used to valet at Bukka de Beppo in Phoenix. Really? Yeah. When I was in college, I used to valet. And you know what I'd do? Because it was family style. What? Three cars would pull up, and I would rip one valet ticket, so I'd take the other cash

for the other two cars. Yeah. I was a thief. I used to steal from American valet. Fuck you guys! I probably stole, like, four or five grand. And then my brother and I... Come get me.

Come get me, American valet. But... Your brother and I said that he talked about you, the car ride. You yelled at him for a good two and a half hours, he said, of the four and a half hour car ride. Can I tell you why? Yeah. So, all weekend, you know, what I do is, like, I'll go, hey, do you know, you want to watch

some Nathan Chen? What's Nathan Chen? He's like, what is that? I go, that's the figure skater. He won the gold and this and that. He'd be like, nah. I'll go, hey, do you want to watch something? Like, if I recommend something, he doesn't want to watch it.

Why? He just doesn't. So, when I'm on the car ride home, I go, hey, you want to watch... He goes, I'm not watching anything, because you don't watch my shit. Oh, that's what it is. That's what it is. You don't watch my shit. So, you know what?

Bobby Lee was like, open. I go, you know what? I'll watch your shit. Right. Right? So, he goes, all right. Fine. So, he goes, every Wednesday, I see this lady on YouTube.

And I go, uh-huh. You know, YouTube's every day, he could look at it. I know, but this particular lady will just post something on Wednesday. That's her drop date. Her drop date. Yeah. Like us. She's, I guess used to, she was a journalist and she found years ago cows on a field that

were like mutilated. Oh, is this the alien shit? Yeah, but it gets really crazy. What's her name? Can we look her up? Yeah. Yeah. I haven't Googled because he, not Googled, but he sent me all her information.

So, keep talking. So, her name is Linda Moulton Howe. Linda Moulton Howe? Yeah. H-O-W-E. Yeah. M-O-U-L-T-O-N. Yeah, we got it.

Okay, good. So, she's a journalist woman. She used to be a journalist. She won an Emmy. I've won an Emmy. What does that even fucking mean? That's true. That's true.

That's true. That's true. That's true. Anyone can. But I haven't won an Emmy by any means. But she's like, but she's like, basically she's saying there's a, there's a war between five different alien races. And look at it.

She's, look at her profile picture is by what aliens built. Yeah. And then she says, there's an alien race called the Tall Whites. Oh, me. I told you all this time. I'm like, I'm not, I'm different. I'm unique. Yeah.

Yeah. Any white over five 11 is a tall white. Yeah. And there's like this lizard race and there's arachnids. So that lizard race is Carlos. Arachnid. Pete. Yeah.

Who else? Is there another one? Just standard alien me. Yeah. You're a regular. Yeah. Regular standard alien. Yeah.

But telepathic. Oh, telepathic alien. Well, aliens are telepathic. Like I'm like a little gray. The little graze are telepathic. Yeah. You're more yellow than gray, but still. Yeah.

And the way I hit the sun, they turn yellow. You fucking asshole. You got a little yellow, you little gray. Yeah. But anyway, my point is, is that he believes it. I do too. You don't believe in aliens at all. No, but a specific five alien race war between specific aliens that live on war fucking moons

behind Pluto. Yeah. Come on, man. You believe in that? Why not? What's unbelievable about it? Look up Tall Whites aliens. I'm being real.

I'm going to go to images. Nordic aliens. Yeah. Nordic is the official term. Yeah. Go to images. Okay. Yeah.

Nordic aliens. Yeah. That looks just like me. I'm see through like that. Oh, so, so, so. Yeah. So Orlando Bloom is a Tall White. He looks like it to me.

Yeah. Walking with Tall Whites. Look at that guy. A guy did a whole thing about it. Yeah. He started walking around with him. My point is, is that. You don't buy into your brother's bullshit.

I don't think I do. I got to tell you, dude, I'm a big alien guy. Like, who do you think built the pyramids? Do you really think slaves built the pyramids? Mathematically, they cannot figure out a way that those stones could be hoisted up on the pyramids without help. 2.3 million stones. What do you say?

2.3 million stones in that pyramid. Yeah, but also. And how heavy are those fucking things? No matter what hoisting they found out, no matter how, what kind of hoisting mechanism, it would be almost impossible for them to hoist these stones. I believe that if I went to Mexico. Okay. Just hear me out.

I am ready. Right. And let's say I had like $100 billion. Got it. And I just went to Mexico and I went, all right, we're going to outdo the aliens. In two weeks, we'd have something bigger than that and more precise and more. But this wasn't from Mexicans, bud. I know, but Mexicans do.

It can do it. The aliens. If the pyramids were in Mexico, I would believe that story 100%. Yeah. They're not. They're in Egypt. Right. But my point is, is that if Mexicans can do it, Egyptians can do it.

That is not true. Mexicans are the tip top of knowing how to do work. Nobody beats Mexicans. I know. They're the kings. I'm giving a compliment. They are the most apt, hardest working people I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, yeah.

But the Egyptians, they're lazy, dude. They're dancing. Oh, yeah. They are doing that. They're dancing all day. And they're also like doing pottery. Yeah. A lot of pots.

A lot of pottery, dude. They had no time to do the pottery. You're right. They're nice because there's no way they could do it. Also, they have the whole thing of like, you know, we're not going to bury them. We're going to mummify. Mummify. Just wrap it in saran wrap or whatever they use.

Do they have saran wrap? Wrap it. Can you imagine how long it would take to, like, exhausting? They're wrapping a guy's leg and at some point they're like, oh, God, just no one's going to see. Fuck this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At some point, how long?

You know what I would do? I'd have pre-cut things and just lay over the head. Like it's a pie crust. They pull, turn it over, it's just all decayed, there's no, there's no fucking wrapping. I would just do it really quickly. Oh, dude, I watched last night, I watched a fucking thing called, like, roommates from hell or something on Netflix. I try to watch that.

This woman, spoiler alert, don't care. This one, this old sweet woman, look at that bitch, that, yeah, that bitch, she buried all of her, all of her, like, live-in roommates because there were people that came, she was like a rehabilitation center for the mentally ill and the sick and all this stuff. And they started digging her backyard and they found so many fucking bodies. This one woman. Listen, I don't need to see it because I know why she did it, just by the space on the phone.

Give me a guess. Because she's so hot. Yeah, she's a babe. Right? So they were probably... Everybody wanted a boner. Yeah. And when you're an old lady and you're hot and you have, and she happens to, look, look

at her lips. You know what they say? They say this. They say... Those are DSLs if I've ever seen them. Yeah. Those are DSLs, baby. I know.

But listen, they say the size and the shape of a woman's mouth is directly proportion to the size and the shape of their vagina. Look at that mouth, tight. Do they say that? Is that a common phrase? Yeah. That's what... I've said...

You know what I do? What do they do about men's penises? What is the direct correlation? What you do is when you're on a first date with somebody, you say that up front to the girl and they do stuff to their lip, they go, yeah, yeah. I'll just... I'll just have the soup. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's the man's correlation? Feet. The size of your feet is correlated... Yeah. What size of your feet? Nine, and that's pretty big for my size. For a Korean guy. Yeah.

Not for Korean, just my size. No, for a Korean guy. That's pretty big for a Korean guy. Average shoe size of a Korean guy. We can look that up. What's that? George, what are you? What is George?

How big is your foot, George? I'm an 11. 11. 12. 10. Wow, bigger than all you guys. What is? I'm bigger than all these guys.

Yeah. Korean average shoe. Generally, most common shoe sizes of Korea are interval of... So that's 7.5 to 12. So you're right in the middle, bud. You're right down the gut. So it's not big at all, actually. You're actually medium for a Korean guy, which is a little bit of a letdown, to be

honest with you. Yeah. I understand. I'm a 12.5. I beat the whole room. Yeah. George, you're what? An inch taller than me?

6'2"? Yeah. Are you saying that you think that our dog has a bigger penis than I do? I'm willing to guess, yeah. That's very upsetting. Just because of the melatonin. That's very upsetting. Melatonin?

Melanin. He does take melatonin often. It's not tonin. It's not tonin. Do you miss him a little bit? Me? Yeah. But I do miss him when he's not here.

Also, Jules, is that school she can't... Well, it happens. The kid's got to learn. She's getting anything out of education or no? Because didn't we... We helped fund some of this. Yeah, she's getting good grades. Yeah, but you know, I got good grades.

School was pretty worthless to me, I'm being honest. Yeah. But she does like three in the morning. I can hear her like just like doing her exams like the night before. I mean, like, I don't know what they do in college. I don't know what they do. I honestly have no idea. Do they do essays?

Like Mexican guys? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, she's repeat essay all over on the recorder. I'm going, essay, essay. Listen, Patagon Roman Theorem, dog. That's really funny. Hey, I want to bring something up that's controversial. I want to just pass the don't say gay bill.

Do you know what this is? It's been touted as the don't say gay bill. That's actually not obvious. It actually passed? It sure did, right? It's not, it's not, it's not, it's been called the don't say gay bill by the LGBTQIA plus community, but that's been nicknamed. What it really is, is they're removing conversations of, let me read it directly from...

What's up, doc? Yo. What up? What's up, man? What's up? What's happening? You're not going to get here on time, or? Yeah, I was running around.

I didn't know if you could park back here or not, so I'm trying to find a place to put on. Dude, take off your fucking mask, man. Yeah, let's, in the microphone. Yeah, and you know how the microphone is the thing that we are able to hear you through? Yeah. I was fucking trying to find a place to park, I was driving around and shit, I didn't know if you could park back here.

Dude, this guy shows up with another NASA piece of clothing for the fourth time in a row. We get it. Where's your drink? I saw your drink, yeah. Take that away from him? No, let him, let him sip it slow. It's not a, it's not a, I'm not drunk or nothing, fucking, Bobby, something else.

He's drunk. No. See you out of here. Can I give you a water instead? Do you want to just hydrate? No, I'm not even, I just poured this the first one for the day. I know, but can I just say this? You know what I mean?

Something that doesn't have a problem would just be like, okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But so now I feel like it's a problem. Oh, I can get water. If you want to get water, bring water. Time out. Yeah, yeah.

Let's establish some rules today. No getting annihilated, no getting into a fight. I'm not getting into a fight. And we're not going to step on each other. Okay. We're going to talk, we're going to talk smoothly. Smoothly. This will be one of the first podcasts we do where we don't overlap each other.

Thank you, Carlos. You're a good guy. Okay. I will save this for later. Dude. Okay. Let's get back to the don't say gay bill. Let's go back.

Because I want, actually I would love to hear Doc's interpretation of this. Yeah. Doc, there's a bill in Florida that passed called the don't say gay bill. And it's not the, that's what it's been named. But it's basically removing, here, I want to read it off this, Carlos, because I have it pretty etched out. Here you go. So don't say gay bill, it's making it so discussions about sexual orientation in schools is eliminated

and encouraging parents to school, school districts that openly speak about these topics. So it's removing discussions about sexual orientation in schools, meaning, you know, about gay, transgender, blah, blah, blah, blah. So what they're trying to do with the critical race theory? Trying to remove it. To remove it, yeah. What do you think, Doc? I mean, is it all sexual or is it just gay?

I think what they're specifically going for is alternative sexual lifestyle. Heterosexual, you say whatever you want. Yeah, fuck her in the ass. Well, I don't think that's in the book. Was that in some of your books? Welcome to Spanish 101. First phrase is we're going to learn is fuck her in the ass. How do you say that in Spanish, Carlos?

I don't know. What a fake Mexican. He's the worst Mexican. You're the fakest Mexican we have. By the way, if we ever get in trouble for like being racist towards Mexicans, and we think, oh, well, we've got one, we should be good, you'll fail us publicly. But my dad came here from Mexico and he didn't want me to learn Spanish. He wanted me to be super American.

Why? Because he's racist towards his own race. Yeah, kind of. He didn't like Mexico when he first got here. He was like, I never want to go back. Wow. Yeah. Well, if you want to know is, cojela in Las Nalgas.

You know what I'm saying? In Las Nalgas. Talk, I thought we were drinking the water. Cojela. Cojela. Cojela. Cojela. In Las Nalgas.

In Las Nalgas. Yeah. Cojela. There's no way that's right. Yeah. Just Google fuck me in the ass in Spanish. Yeah, yeah. Why do we even need to do that?

We just move on from it? I do want to see if he was right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. What? Fuck me in the ass. A Google translate just never does it right. Yeah.

Yeah. Because that says fluke me and kulo. Kulo is ass. I know that. Okay. Say it to fuck. It's cojera. In Korean it's, I would have to say juksuk gondengi.

Juksuk gondengi. That sounds awesome. Juksuk gondengi. Juksuk. Oh, juksuk gondengi. Juksuk gondengi. Yeah. And then my mother would be like, no, buka.

Buka. You want to go back? Door dash. Man, Bob. Man, what? When I forget stuff at the store and I need snacks or drinks or household essentials in 30 minutes or less, you know where I turned to. Door dash.

Door dash, my friend. You know how I know door dash? Huh? Because it's the only app I have when it has anything to do with that. When you need food. That's what you use. There's other companies that do the same thing, but I only have door dash because they're more precise.

Yup. Because, you know, I'm Asian. I love precision. You like precision. Yeah. I like it in 30 minutes. I like, you know, it's fresh. Fresh.

I like when the, and the delivery people are nice. And they drop it off at your door. I like more options. Yup. Yeah. They're the best. They connect you with the restaurants you love right now, right to your door, ordering is easy.

Open the door dash app and choose what you want from where you want. Your items are going to be left safely outside your door with the contact list or delivery drop off setting. You want Chinese, bro? Yeah. They want pizza? Yeah. Someone is craving fro you.

There's something for everyone on door dash. For a limited time, our listeners can get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more. When you download the door dash app and enter the code badfriends2022. We both use door dash. I love it. They got over 300,000 partners in the US, Puerto Rico, Canada, Australia. You can support your neighborhood go-tos, choose from your favorite locals like Popeyes,

Chipotle, Cheesecake Factory. That's 25% off up to a $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the door dash app in the app store and enter code badfriends2022. Don't forget that's code badfriends2022 for 25% off your first order of the door dash. Subject to change terms apply. Liquid IV. Liquid. You know what they say?

Liquid ID IV for life. For life. Because I love this stuff, man. It is delicious. Water is boring. The water is so stupid. One stick with liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone.

They got incredible hydration flavors like watermelon, lemon lime, strawberry, piacolada, and many, many more. You know what I love about liquid IV is it contains five essential vitamins. B three. B five. I need those. My favorite is B six. B six.

B 12. Doc loves that. And vitamin C. Oh, and I need as much vitamin C as I can get. You do. You do traditional sports drinks made with premium ingredients, no GMO, gluten free dairy, and soy. It's super effective.

It's got this cellular transport technology, CTT, but I got to tell you something. Try it out because it's very, very good. It's a stick. I just want people to know it's a stick. Put some water. Put in your water. Dump it in. That's it.

Easy, easy. Grab liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 25% off when you go to liquid IV.com and use the code BADFRIENDS at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you use promo code BADFRIENDS at liquidIV.com. Experience better hydration today at liquidIV.com. Promo code BADFRIENDS. Can I tell you something about your wardrobe today? Beyond the NASA stuff and the obvious repping once again, Detroit, which respect.

Those front zipper pockets are fire. Nothing's ever fallen out of those fucking bags. Can I also say something too is for the first time from your waist down, I would probably wear that. Okay. I've never seen anything that you've ever worn and said, I want to get that. Where'd you get that doc? And I'd be like, I don't ever want to go there.

But my point is, is that from your waist, what kind of jeans are those pants? What? Guess. Guess. La la. And the shoes are what? Nike. Come on.

La la. Brand new too, huh? Hey, what's the symbol on the front of them? I can't even, I think it says New York. Are those Nick's shoes? Yeah. Not Nick's shoes. They're New York City.

Nike's. They're Nick's shoes. They're Nick's colors, right? We're positing the Bronx. Hell yeah. Puerto Rico. Dominican. Hey.

Ben Pacá. Listen to me. Wait, doc. The water. The water. Little bit more water. Every time you go on one of those things, we're going to make you have a sip of water. Yeah.

Drink a little water and a little wine. There you go. He doesn't want to be restricted. I understand. Yeah. I'm not even fucking drunk though. That's what they say. Our problem is in 45 minutes.

We're foreseeing into the future. What do you think of Robert Pattinson as Batman? Who was Robert Pattinson first of all? Okay. Let's move on. Let's move on. He was the guy from Twilight. Yeah.

We need to move on. I watched Inventing Anna. I'll tell you that. What's that? It's on Netflix about that Russian girl who like fucking scammed all these people out of all this money. And it's the girl from Ozark. And she talks like that.

She's like, you don't have my money. Oh yeah. Yeah. Kalala tried to get me to watch it. No. I didn't want to watch it. It's really tough. Her voice is the hardest thing because she's doing an accurate impression of this girl.

But it's really tough to get through. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. I like her in Ozarks. Huh? I like her in Ozarks. She's good in that.

She does like a little Southern drawl. But in this, it's just she does an accurate, well I guess as accurate as you could be of this girl. And she was born in Eastern Europe, Russia maybe, and then she moved to Germany. So she's got this wad like half German accent that's Eastern Europe. It's the weirdest fucking thing. Go ahead. You look poor.

Go ahead. Go ahead. You look poor. You are wearing... What you wearing? You look poor. Anygun get property. More vocal?

This is it. That's the guy- What you wearing? You look poor. See that's it. What you wearing, you look poor. You know how often Bobby can say that to people, what you wearing, you look poor. What you wearing?

You look poor. Don't like it. Keep going. Don't don't I have this new tequila. I want you to try now. You're slipping away into another You're rushing to go ahead doc. I'm rushing to Oh, let's do it again man. This guy's good at improv Never misses a beat never misses a beat. I imagine that was a live show. Yeah Yes, I am

What what them rules give me the rules. Yeah, yeah, give me the rules, you know doc what you're wearing you look for I would like Nice Well, this is what is this? He's doing a I'm trying to fucking they don't use the low. It's doc doc doc What you're wearing you look for you look tall. I look fantastic. Fuck you Really good. Very good. They're hired. I mean if I'm casting for this show. I'm like, we've got the boyfriend. Yeah If I'm casting for like an industrial film for Southwest Airlines You fucking got it. I just had to go do voice. I had to go to ADR because I did a you know

I did a couple of scenes in that movie house party. They're bringing back hidden plays which by the way 25 years ago I think today was the or yesterday was the Original release a house party, but they're remaking it and I did it and I had to go to ADR and I was like the line was really tame and they were like, oh, we want to replace the word Vagina was something, you know a little bit less than I was like for the move. It's like a Fucking it'll be an online film. Yeah, and they were like, no, no, no It's it's it's cuz it's gonna be for airplanes and shit, too. And I was like, oh fuck I don't like when anything it's gonna be on an airplane because then I can if I see someone watching a thing that I'm on

Yeah, it gives me the biggest panic attack really. Oh my fucking god on an airplane It's happened a few times where I'm like, you know what I did what I was on one episode of Sean saves the world Sean Hayes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and they played it in the air In on the airplane. Yeah, and I just kind of walked up another Well, not like not like blatantly but I was just kind of like no It was locking eyes with people and stuff like that was really weird That's why Bobby didn't want to fly and do shows during the pandemic because he didn't want to wear a mask He wanted people to see it was him on the plane. That's why you like the attention

You're a fucking whore But you know what? I'd be honest with my mom though if I'm with my mom I want to get recognized Because I wanted I wanted to show her that like she was wrong She's she was what do you mean? She was right? I know no cuz when I started comedy She goes my mom and dad were like don't call us. Yeah again Pretty much and I would beg for money and this and that was a struggle and they would say it You're not funny. You're never gonna work. Not good. You're right. And I just kept going and going and then it's like now

You know, I just kind of like she's might be right The old bokeh lady might be right. Yeah, did you get her some boke by the way, did you end up bokeh'ing with her? No What did you take her to eat you go fancy Morton's Morton's you love Morton's I went to more No, we tried to go to my stores. We showed her these other places, but we went to more. It was a fun night We saw Batman too with her. That is cute. You did all that as a fam Yeah, I love my mom, you know, and and can I say this? Mm-hmm. I sleep better Your brother said this to me last night at my parents house. Yeah, my mom's house than anywhere else on planet He told me you actually got rest and he was kind of awake

But he was like Bob actually slept for like three four hours. No, I was super like nine hours. Oh, you did. Oh, yeah Like solids and also I never haven't dreamt in a year. You had dreams. I had dreams What would I remember? I don't remember but I just remember waking up go I had a dream like being aware that I had one. Yeah, so it was I don't know what it is It's hot the bed sucks. Oh, it's shitty. It's a shit environment. Well, you should see dude I this is what's in my room, dude. Do you have dreams doc? Do you remember your dreams? Yeah, I was just kind of weird. He had a dream for a year straight almost. I don't really dream that much really Yeah, my brain's occupied. Fuck. Yeah, you get to dream because you know, this is

This was in it. What is that a fucking that's a mannequin. That's the creepiest thing I've ever seen right That's fucking weird. Yeah, so that's in the room. So I go my mom has this in there So I turned off the lights to go to bed I just fucking threw it. You know is is it a graduation things that have like a she never graduated from anywhere And she's got a cap and gown. Yeah, and then she has fucking mystique hair. I don't know what the fuck that is I like it that wig, but she has this all over the house. Let me see that's mannequins That's like my school colors too. It's maroon and maybe she did your mom go to ASU and you just don't know No, no, no, she wants to go and that's why I think she has that there's also like nefertiti is down there

Is she a big fan? Oh my god. It's just Egyptian stuff all over the house. Oh my god up there Everywhere, why do you think your mom's obsessed with that? Did she build the pyramids? Did the Koreans build the pyramids? That's what I'm saying. Oh my god That's exactly what I'm saying. Oh my god. I think the Koreans have something to do with aliens Google that to see if Koreans might be aliens or have anything to do with the pyramids because I got to tell you something The more I think about it Yeah, I don't even have pyramids in Korea. Of course they have pyramids in Korea Yeah, yeah, yeah, they found our clear Patrick's cousin

Domino domino domino in um Puyon and Puyon. Yeah, we own Korea. Yeah, and they have it. They're just a gigantic It's twice the size of the Egypt the temple. I mean the pyramids in Egypt. Yeah, and there's a Mechanical door. Yeah, like a futuristic mechanical door that you you press a button It's like a little button and there's a mechanic that opens it, but they don't they think it's alien origin Well, look at this. What's the funny? I'm just It's just so magical. I don't even the world is magical, but Open your eyes

So buzzed off of the wine Guantetto the great was a monarch and They believe the aliens like spoke through him and Guantetto was Korean Korean. Yeah. No, okay. Yes, dude Guantetto was zoom in zoom in on the about please on the right hand side No, go back and just zoom in on the about Guantetto the great was the 19th monarch of Goryeo His full posthumous name means entombed in Guksangyang Broad expander of domain peacemaker Supreme King. It stops. It's up the aliens spoke through when you when you talk when you say One words and and cities and stuff. You don't have to do the accent. What are you talking about?

You speak to us read it again and normally, please Okay, this is the way you write, you know one one great was the 19th monarch of I'll do it again. All right Guantetto the great was the 19th monarch of Goryeo posthumous name means entombed in Guksangyang Broad expander of domain peacemaker Supreme King Sometimes abbreviated to Hoa Taiwan

His era name is young yet and he's occasionally recorded as young yet. Yeah So this guy so this dude the aliens spoke through people believe that people believe he spoke no, no We believe it. We believe it. He spoke the aliens spoke through guang guang ghetto Why is that name sound not Korean say it and to say it with a Korean accent? Wanna get all guanda ghetto guanda ghetto guanda ghetto. Do you want guando ghetto Spanish? Is that guang ghetto right there? Mm-hmm. That's him in a movie It was a TV series actually in 2011 So that so Aileen spoke through this dude and he communicated to the people of the time the future

Yeah, he was some sort of peacemaker love that that's amazing. It's sort of how the Japanese thought that Emperor here he was a Sun God. They thought he was he was a literal Sun God. They're like we'll die for our God What's the chances that he wasn't? One in a zillion What if he was he could have been because how do you know dude? What if you're what if you're a God? What if you're a God, and you know what I'm really what you know what I'm reinforcing right? Well, this is God syndrome, and you already have God syndrome anyway. You have God syndrome. No, no, I don't yeah, you do I I don't think no, I don't he doesn't you have a need okay. Who yields his power more

You always saying why power First of all when I say hello, don't go okie-dokie like that, okay That is only at the meetings. I've never brought that to this That's for me and my buds yeah Pete wink wink Yeah, and I got to tell you something your God complex is way worse than mine You bullied Carlos into not having coffee the first six seconds you were in this room Carlos. How long have I known you? Same amount of time as I've known you know who's It was a hard to know you longer me or Andrew

I have known Bobby a little longer because of certain reasons doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah doesn't matter So our history is deeper. No, it's not It is years deeper, and we have also during those years that you met him. You didn't do anything for him You probably bullied him then too. All right, so can I just say how we know or no? Yeah, you can say okay So at one point you mean you're abusing substances together. Yeah at one point pop up here Was a sober I know and that's how we knew each other Okay, but that's a deeper connection if you knew anything about did you ever call him check in on him? No, uh Carlos don't fucking look at his no

I'm not I'm like really trying to remember and I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, you'd know because it would happen more frequently Yeah, I took the bus to Cedars to meet Bobby though. Yeah, that's you doing another thing for him Yeah, because my car broke down right? Yeah, I guess looking back you were on the way too. Yeah. Yeah, there we go together God complex That's like a couple of your boss. You boss everybody around God complex is an unshakable belief characterized by consistently inflating feelings of personal ability privilege or Infallibility, that's you but they think my tone is very peasant like I Mean well, that's a juxtaposition. What do you mean because you sucker people your sociopath you sucker people That you're a peasant when really you're you've got this cake cake. All right

I have to I have two things going on. Please. All right. I ride between peasant Like I I'm nothing. I got nothing. You know, I mean, right, you know, also, there's a lot of shame and guilt involved That's because of you have imposter syndrome. That's why right and then there's the other extreme where I not extreme But I have this thing like the rules don't apply to me correct, right? But I don't think the rules you think apply to you as well. That's not true I think you can say thing like when you get a parking ticket, do you pay it right away? 100% but I rarely get one because I obey the rules Once I'm at a parking ticket, I can't even tell you okay when you get you've never fed a meter in LA never never This is how the fuck do you know I have tickets just sitting on your windshield for like three months

You're Prius at one point It's sunburned it into the glass That is a real statement Sunburn parking ticket into your glass All right, this is what it is you fucking dipshit. All right. This is what the fuck it is. All right You're fucking angry Here's the real honest truth right the reason I have parking tickets on my fucking windshield Right you don't fucking know I don't know what to do with them

Take them off and pay them. Yeah, I don't know how to do that on the internet. Yeah, but I don't know how there's a web Two weeks ago. I just learned how to tell time on the sticks You mean the clock? Yeah, the clock so Mark Marin taught me how to do it on on Tiger Valley 50 years old Yeah, because I refuse to learn Because I just Out of stubbornness like I've had girlfriends go. It's easy. Let me teach you go. I don't ever want to know. I'm digital Then what I had to do is get some dude to do it To pay off your parking tickets. Yeah, I don't pay anything like my dude

Clinton I don't want to see his last name my dude Clinton. I've been with him for 15 20 years. Yeah, and he all checks Right and everything goes to him. The reason why is if it goes to me, it'd be all gone or you wouldn't know what to do with it Yeah, I know your business manager Clinton. Yeah, let me tell you something about this. Yeah, it might take him Two or three full weeks to cash a check. I Sent the guy a check. Yeah, he cashed it like a month later. I know because how old is that dude? It's like 90 years old. Yeah, okay, because I called one time. I was like, what's your business address? He's like for hold on Yeah, and read it off the wall. Yeah, he's a black guy. I

Trust black fuck does that have to do with it? Oh black? I like him What is that? Giving back. That's all right. I like to give back. Well, you know, we go together, right? He's your business manager. Blacks and Asians go together No, don't do that. We're together. Did we not? You shot at each other. I know, but you know, we were still looting each other Yeah, we're together dude. Stay away from my store. You drink you buy All right, so stop. No, no, no, let that go You drink you buy you drink you buy and the phrase is what you're saying is is it's you touch you buy you break you drink You break you because if I've never seen blind people go into a liquor store or Korean liquor store and just start drinking

What you ain't met my father Fuck you used to do I used to get mad at him. I used to go to liquor stores Just drink in the store grocery stores. He used to just grab the apple juice drink it put it back on the shelf Man dog dude never got caught And then when I asked him I said pops man, you why would you do that shit? He said fuck him. I'm thirsty I said that ain't you still gotta pay for this. Yeah, fuck it ain't really and then they never did you ever like just We fuse going down one aisle. Just you just went to another aisle because you don't want to be caught. I use it Just like I used to just like fake. Yeah, just like I used to fake like I got something to do

Like pops I'm gonna go over here and look at something and he'd be like All right, and then he come over there drinking a goddamn juice to Don't bring the evidence over either. Just fucking go to the magazine section. You know the colognes and stuff That's in the magazine. Just I used to do that Butcher Bob something right now Last night I made spaghetti, but I wanted some ground beef. Oh, yeah, but I'm cool because I have Butcher box It's in the down store downstairs. I have a specific freezer for this meat It's the best meat in the market, right? I had a delicious

meat sauce spaghetti last night Meal prepping is difficult butcher box makes it easy my friends Yeah, butcher box is a subscription service that takes the guesswork out of finding high quality meat Butcher box horses their meat from partners with the highest standards for quality No more searching the grocery store for a hundred percent grass-fed meat beef free-range organic chicken Wild-caught seafood and more their sourcing decisions are made holistically keeping the farmer the planet the animal and your family in mind No antibiotics or hormones each box contains 8 to 14 pounds of meat. That's so much depending on the box You choose that's enough for 24 individual meals are packed fresh and ship frozen for your convenience

I got to tell you my favorite. They had the pork chops. You know Papa loves a pork chop. Oh, I like it That'll do pig. I say that when I cook it that'll do pig. Yes. I flip it over They have like like little nugget chicken Right, and I have an air fryer and I make nuggets at home with Butcher box meat chicknugs This is your chance to never have to shop for ground beef again That's right Butcher box is giving new members free ground beef for life plus a $10 off coupon sign up at butcher box comm slash bad Friends to get two pounds of ground beef for free in every order for the life of your membership plus a $10 off coupon

Log on to butcher box comm slash bad friends and claim this deal better help this podcast is sponsored by better help online therapy Andrew Relationship take work buddy. Tell me about it. A lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about We'll go out of our way to treat other people well, but often do we give ourselves the same treatment doc? I don't think you do no this month better help online therapy wants to remind you to take care of your most important relationship The one that you have with yourself doc. That's huge. Yeah, you know whether it's hitting the gym make time for your haircut Try and therapy. You're your greatest asset. Let me say this both Bob and I are big advocates for For therapy any sort of mental health help that you can get if this is for you. That's great, too

We recommend it because it's online therapy that offers video and phone even live chat sessions But you don't have to be on video if you don't want if it makes you uncomfortable It's more affordable than in-person therapy You're gonna be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours give it a try see why two million people have tried better help online therapy This podcast is sponsored by better help and bad friend listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash bad That's B E T T E R H E L P dot com slash bad friends. No, it's not How you talk to people though you have no like what are you talking about? You don't see how I talk to people you don't exist in my world Stuff like that hurts. You know, it doesn't hurt you don't exist

It hurts again. Oh, how we are we you don't see how I talk to people. I'm extremely polite and sweet to people Yeah, it's a it's a he can vouch for that. It's a mask There's two sides to him. Yeah, what's underneath? Hello. How are you? What a great restaurant? Oh, this is a delight. Oh, whatever. That's you. Is that what I sound like in a restaurant? To me you do That's what all white people sound like but um, but when you're when you know you and you're just having a conversation Uh-huh. There's a lot of like just listen to me, man. I know what this is. This is what it is. Look at this I can't believe excessive pampering or criticism from parents or a genetic predisposition Fuck if that isn't Bobby Lee. Mm-hmm. Fuck if that isn't you know, look at Carlos

Yeah, if that is you dad never have I I've never been pampered ever it was the opposite Criticism from parents or a genetic predisposition. That's you in spades. That's like you to the fucking criticism from parents or Or a genetic predisposition just read disposing genetic predisposition, right? So I don't think I have a genetic predisposition. Yeah, you do but I was born that way. Oh a hundred percent. Yeah Gods are born See are born kid thinks he's a god. No, I don't I Maybe well the guy up complex part of Napoleon complex to be in love You know, that was also that was also that's also fake Napoleon was average height for his side for his time period. Yeah, that should make me mad. He was 5'8". Sorry, it's not the same thing. It is the same. It's relative to each other, I think.

He's just saying you've got a complex. Nicole, Napoleon complex is because he's small. He wasn't small. He was average size. I'm just saying what the actual meaning means. He was 5'6". That's like your height. 5'4". They should call it Bobby complex. 5'5". Napoleon was taller than you. Yeah, that's good. How tall does it say I am? 6'1". Yeah, as a fact right there. American. You better believe it boy.

I think white people in general have a God complex. I think deep down inside and we agree with me a lot of white people. I'm not saying all but a lot of people deep down inside think that they're better. Yeah, I think they know that they're better. That's right. Right. Do you know what I think too? I'd love to hear your insights. That sounded a little. No, I'm really serious. What I'm saying is I think if you're the dominant species within your or dominant race within that particular country, that particular race is going to have a God complex. Over in Africa, Africans have a God complex. Russians have a God complex. In Korea? Yeah.

If he goes to Mexico, they don't give a fuck about this guy. You know what I mean? They do think I'm Canelo when I talk about it. Mexicans love the show Mixology. They love it. They're big fans. Yeah, but I'm just saying like after a while they're going to tell him you better learn Spanish. He can't just go over there just talking English and tell everybody you got to learn English. Now you sound like a white Republican here in America. Come over here you better learn English boy. But that would be anywhere. I thought you died Herman Cain.

That was good. That was good. I'm alive and well. It was funny when Herman died. He was still tweeting afterwards to remove that. Yeah, when he was dead. There was tweets coming out. Yeah. Costumous tweets from Herman Cain. What did he die of? It was COVID, right? COVID, yeah.

Isn't that fucking crazy? What? He's like... Dude, he went to that Tulsa Trump rally and no, this isn't the height of COVID. I know, but just... Not a single person with a mask in that thing. But just in case you thought Biden's candidacy was going to be anything other than completely nuts, Team Trump has released a new video and David Allen Green goes, uh, aren't you dead?

That's classic. By the way, how boss is that? Herman Cain can tweet from the grave. The Cain Gang. That's a great name. The Cain Gang. So, I believe that... You're right. Maybe you're right. But some societies, like Koreans, they might have a God complex, but they don't have a history of oppression,

oppressing another group of people. Each other, right? Are you fucking out of your mind? Right. What the fuck? What do you mean? You don't think Asians had fucking... They didn't oppress...

Koreans didn't have slaves. We didn't fly... Did Koreans have slaves? Yeah, Google that. Yeah, because I think that's fucking wrong. Somebody built them pyramids. It wasn't just somebody like, you know, are we going wrong? Korea had the longest...

We were kidding about that. We were kidding about the Korean... Korea had the longest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history, spanning 1,500 years. Fuck off. That's not what it says. Zoom it in, my eyes are blurry. Go back, Carlos.

Zoom it in. I want to read it, alright? Read it out loud, you piece of shit. Get close. Korea had the longest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history. Fuck. Holy shit. You guys are fucking scumbags.

We're scumbags. We're fucking... Dude, that's insane. It's insane. They're super insane. But who? Who do we insult? Find out.

Yeah, who do we enslave? Well, a caste system, first of all, you fucking enslave your own fucking people. Oh, that doesn't count. Yes, it does. How does that count? That's even more repulsive. Your own brother. If I have kids and I have a sweatshirt, you know, turn the machines on.

Let's make some nikes. I mean, come on. It's fucking gross. It is. It's nice. It's weird and disgusting. But I think that's where we approach it. We try to...

Yeah, you have to. Burn it, this bullshit. Honestly, your perspective on comedy and trying fucked up jokes is probably the reason why I think we get along so well. Because you sling it. You might as well throw it. Yeah, you know, honestly, dude, and this is my honest truth, here's what I've always loved about you, is I always thought you were funny.

I've always encouraged you, right? That's true. Is that true or not? 100%. 100%. That's hilarious. And I always thought you were magical, but here's the thing, you could take it. You know, man, there's this weird thing about comedy where people think you're not supposed

to be vulnerable in comedy. But then they watch the Golden Girls and then they watch Martin, they see Cole or Rose and they laugh hysterically. It's like, yeah, I'm like the Rose and Cole sometimes. I can take it. You throw it out, I'm sitting back, and then I could be the guy to give it. It's just like one of those things. I don't trip on it.

You know what I'm saying? I love that statement. That's good. Very powerful. But it is true. Also, we get so, sometimes on this show, we're fucking around so much, we're joking around. But then when we do get serious, there are moments when we have to let it sit and be real and then joke about it afterwards.

But comics are always expected to constantly pump out comedy and jokes and jokes and jokes. But we have our vulnerable moments. Bobby showed a lot of vulnerability. When you went away, your phone calls were super vulnerable to me. Yeah. It was heavy. It was really heavy. But I mean, I'm glad we have to have that thing, too.

That has to exist because it's got to be real love beyond all the comedy. Well, when you look back at my... You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Doc. Because when I was growing up in comedy in the 90s, just the people above me... 80s. 80s, I mean...

Oh, fuck up. 80s. The people above me were so mean. It was the same for me when I started. I know. But I think we're nicer to the young people. Oh, my God. I love...

Ten times nicer. But I love... I think the difference is, and I'll be honest, the younger people now in comedy, I think are funnier at a younger age than we were. My God. There's some young kids, like Trevor Wallace. One time, I didn't know who he was, and I followed him at the improv, and I would look down on this white guy.

I got this. I didn't watch a set. This white guy, I got this. You're a fuck... In my head! Yeah. In my head and sit out loud. All right.

And I struggled. You did. Yeah, because I didn't take it seriously, and I walked up, and he crushed. You could hear it. Yeah. And then when I was on stage, I was just like, oh, this guy's good. You know who kills? You know who I really like?

Cool. Because you've talked about Trevor on the show before, but I want to give... I like Matt Lockwood. Do you know who that is? Oh, Matt Lockwood. Love him. Yeah. He crushes.

He's funny on the property. I think he's so fucking funny. But he's part... I don't know age-wise how old he is, but he's part of... I mean, the younger group of guys. Or Trevor, you think. You're about to say, man. I don't know how old they are.

I don't know how old any of these fucking guys are. But I mean... Well, when I first saw Taylor Tomlinson, I'm like, oh, yeah. Her special just came out. Yeah. I mean, just amazing. Trevor's 29. He's a young guy.

Amazing. Let me ask you all this. Yeah. Now, you was talking about how hard people were on you in the 90s or the 50s, whatever the term you grew up. So now, think about this. Well, do you think you would have been able to handle... Slow it down.

I'm trying. Is that a job interview? Slow it down. I mean, you would have been able to handle living in New York and being a comedy because you know how they were. Or are. I think it would have been the same for Bobby. You think so?

Yeah. Only because I think New York gets this credit like they're more gritty than us for some reason in the world of comedy. Comedy was just as competitive. It's just... I think New York... New York peers were a little bit more harsh to each other, more like, you know, maybe they pushed each other more and that is a joke-centric city of like hardcore joke writers.

But it doesn't mean the competition wasn't as tough out here. Maybe, you know, I think out here it was more like a lot of personality-based comedy came out of LA, more so than thoroughbred joke writers. I'll give them that. But also, we've caught up to them at this point, there's plenty of fucking phenomenal joke writers that are coming out of LA and other places, not New York. They just kind of claim that fame. But for Bobby, the competition was insanely thick and also littered with everyone that

wasn't him. You know what I mean? It was like... Back when I did it, there was like three Asian dudes that I was aware of. If that. If that, right? There was that fan. Yeah, he was...

Steve Byrne. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then Ken started doing it. But later... That was later, yeah. Couple years later.

So there was a little bit... But my mom always says, you know, if I did not come to America, that's... No, that's a pretty good impression. Pretty good, yeah. You would have, you know, you would have carried rice in Korea. Also... As a job. Bucca.

So... But my argument is, mom, there's comedy there, too. I mean, I think I would have... No matter what society I lived in, unless it was like... I was in like, you know, like a Cambodian person that was living in the Pol Pot regime or something. Kamir Rouge. Tough.

There's no opportunity there. Sure. But any place that was... There was opportunity, I think I would have been able to survive and done it. Yeah. But you wouldn't be doing stand-up. Yeah. But I would have done some form of comedy.

And my friend Danny Cho, you know Danny? I don't. I don't think so. So Danny Cho was... I used to do this sketch on Matt TV called Johnny Gone and Pongo. Oh, I know this guy. Put Johnny Gone and Pongo. Oh, yeah.

Johnny Gone and Pongo. Gone? Johnny Gone, G-A-N and Pongo. Just put it in something. Let's just see what happens. There we go. So go to the duo with the second one. So I used to do a sketch called Johnny Gone, you know what I mean?

And he's basically... I have my own talk show in this island off of Thailand, you know, and it's a makeshift, you know what I mean? A talk show. And I just... He didn't say much. I used to slap on the face. And then if you lift up on the shirt, there's a underdeveloped...

He has a twin that was underdeveloped. So he would talk. So there's a Korean guy coming out of his belly. And he would talk. So after, you know, Matt TV was over, he was doing stand-up and he goes... He says to me one day, he goes, there's no stand-up in Korea. And I go, okay. And he goes, this is the most racist sketch.

I did 20 of these. But it's about Koreans, no? No, they're Thai. And they're... It's so stereotypical. It's so fucking backwards. There he is. King Lao.

Johnny Gone. Yeah. Oh my God, Bob. The first movie we've seen is Little Me's Sunshine. Let me tell you what it is. I don't know what it is. The movie starts and I say, I don't know what's doing this here. This movie sucks.

The people in it is these. George Clooney's. The call the fans. Bob. Helen Hunt. So anyway, so that dude started this stand-up scene in Korea. And it's doing well. Yeah.

You keep in contact with him? Yeah. And I also have to say that maybe I have a little something to do with it. How? Well, I gave this guy a kid a shot. But you didn't put any effort in him opening shit up in Korea? I went... Do it.

Yeah. I gave him a wink. But you know what, dude? My encouragement means something. No? I don't know anything. Okay. Yeah, I'll tell you what is weird.

And I talked about this on my show, on Whiskey Ginger. There is this weird looming thing about Scientology that nobody talks about in LA, but it's fucking everywhere. It's everywhere. Scientology? Oh my God. What? They're like the third largest property owner in Los Angeles.

Yeah, yeah. They own everything. That means there's thousands of them, but no one talks about who is it. Yeah. I mean, I dated one. You know that, right? I know. We talked...

Yeah. Yeah. But I'm just saying, like, it's not a conversation piece, and yet they're fucking everywhere. How come nobody wants to talk about it? Well, it was in the movie, the Scientology movie. Were you coming... Clear? Going clear?

Yeah, going clear. What do you mean? About all the real estate that they own. No, no, what I'm saying. You have to be friends with a lot of people that are Scientologists and just not know it. Yeah. I mean... You have to be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just by proxy, we're here. That's what weirds me out is I'm like, how come no one tells me about it? Or they don't even bring it up. Yeah. They don't recruit you. No. You know what's funny?

My first fucking audition in LA was for a movie, for a Scientology movie. You know they have their own video production company? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got an audition offer like Craigslist or some bullshit, and it was like looking for young, you know, eager 20-something-year-old men to be in a whatever, blah, blah, blah, video production. And so I went to the Church of Scientology on Franklin, you know the Franklin one? Yeah.

And I knew nothing about it. I had just moved here. I didn't even... I've never even heard of it before. And I went into this little... The Celebrity Center. Celebrity Center. Yeah.

I went into this little audition room, and they made me fill out all this paperwork. Dude, it was endless. And in my mind, I was like, fuck, auditions are... You gotta sign away your soul for these things. And at the end of it, I realized, oh, this is a church, huh? It's a church thing. Yeah. Like I finally caught fire.

There's a gigantic marble head statue of fucking L. Ron Howard in the lobby. I didn't know who that was. I was 21 years old. Who'd you think that was? I thought it was Ron Howard. I thought it was Olivier. I thought it was Ron Howard. Yeah, I mean...

Not L. Ron Howard. I thought it was Ron Howard. I misheard it. Plus, there's like... Hopi, my hero. There's all this naval drapery, and then they have the can-can machines. I was poor. I needed money.

They were gonna give me money. Don't get any angry. I'm just asking a question. No, but I'm telling you my answer. I was a dumb, poor 21-year-old who was like, I can't eat this month. I'll take anything. Did you get the part? No.

As soon as I found out it was a church, I immediately jetted because I was like, I don't want to do some religious bullshit that I know nothing about. Yeah, that would have been dangerous. It was bad, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I seriously... I went in a room. I filled out all this stuff.

It was like, do you have a history of, you know... It started off small. It's like, did you ever have a history of health conditions, mental illness in your family, cancer? And I was like, why didn't you know all this medical shit? And I filled out fucking all of it. So somewhere in the books, they've got a half a Santino edition. Yeah, but there was a time in Hollywood.

And I wish I would have landed it. Or you could even say the word. Like, we, MadTV, did a sketch. Remember that movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding? I love. We did a sketch called My Big Fat Scientology Wedding. We built the set. We casted it.

The lawyers came in. They shut it down. Because somebody up top... In fuck... Somebody up top at... But that's how much power they had. So at the time, like even talking about this right now makes me scared. No, they're...

What the fuck? I'm not saying anything bad. I know. But at that time, you have to understand the kind of power they had in Hollywood. Yeah, but... Because remember, they sued the IRS, like 10,000,000 of people sued the IRS, the Scientologists. And then they gave them religious immunity. What is it?

Tax the IRS tax? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's some of the biggest stars of Scientologists, right? Name me some. Will Smith. Will Smith. Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise. Will Smith? Yeah, Will Smith. Kirstie Alley. Tom Cruise. What does that say? The car right who voices Bart. Travolta.

Travolta was. Yeah. He's not on there anymore, though. Giovanni Robisi. Is he? Yeah. Wow. Because the girl that I dated...

I do want to see Xenu. I'm not going to lie. I do want to see him, too. Well, that's why they get you. They get you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get a little bit of money in your pocket. They're like, dude, a hundred grand.

You can meet Xenu. You're like, what is he like? Dude, it's funny because that's like, you have to pay hundreds of thousand dollars in glasses to get to even that level and years and years and then imagine you work all this time, 20 years. You finally get to the ninth level, whatever it is. They give you a briefcase and then there's like writings of, you know, like handwritten letters and stuff by L. Ron Harrow Hubbard.

But then they tell you about Xenu then. I can only imagine what you would have done. You would have been. Imagine. You would have snapped. They hand me the briefcase and they walk out of the room and then they come back. I'm just jerking off in the briefcase and I'm like, this is how I've ever wanted. I, dude, I buy into none of this stuff.

I think it's all gobbledygook. But I do want to say, as their defense, no, I don't care. I want to defend them. I have nothing against the people. I don't give a shit. I don't buy it. You know how like sometimes when you, you talk to people, like comics, especially, and they never really tell you how they feel or what's going on or even like fake shit,

like, you know, great set when they haven't even seen your set or whatever. I hate that. Yeah, I hate that. But Scientologists are very like clear. And so when I did date one, I knew exactly what was going on, how she felt. You know what I mean? She was just honest. Maybe there was a character trait and not Scientologists.

No, it was that because her mom was like that, her people around her were like that. They're just very like clear. Did she ever try to recruit you to the church? Yeah. Did you ever think about it? I went there and I did the machine. If the pussy was good enough, you'd be a Scientologist today. That's the truth.

If the trap was good, you'd be there. Pussy has made some guys do fucking all sorts of tricks. Yeah. If she was like a 10, right, I think I would be like, I didn't have scales on my face. I had Xenus scales, right? I'd have the implants. I think I would look like him. I'd wear the blue suit and would scrub.

You'd go to what is it called? What's the one in Florida? The one in Tampa. What is it called? Sea Org. Sea Org. Sea Org, yeah. I'd probably have a different language.

Say hi to me. Meow. What's up? Bobby, what the fuck? What is that? Meow. In the middle of a set on stage. Right.

You're like, yeah, my friend and I were traveling. Meow. Get that tosser. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. There they are right now lined up like captain. That was, I think, the biggest bother to me was that they mock the military.

That's like mock military. They have nothing to do with the military. Yeah. This is stolen valor, isn't it? How come they can't clap them for this? Because it's religion. Yeah. But it's, but it's, but they're mocking them.

Whoa. I don't like the way you fucking said that. We know it's a religion. I was saying it confidently. You have to stake in the claim or what? No. Definitely not. No, this, no.

No, but I mean like, but truly this is military garb in a religious form is, to me, it's a very odd. There's no military ties. It's so odd. That guy don't look like he can protect anybody. That's a girl, by the way. Oh, it is. You don't know that person, Jenner.

Oh, my bad. My bad. That day could be whatever that day wants. Yeah. But they get paid like what, like 15 cents a day, I mean, just crazy. I don't know, they pay them. I think they donate their time when they go to that C-org thing. But then if you snake your way through the thing, then you get, then you get like capital

gains from other like, you know, from other members and then you start to move up and then you start making money. Do you know where you see them at the Gelsons on Franklin? Really? Really? Yeah. So you, it's the C-org people. They're at the Gelsons?

So you're like, Gelson closes at midnight? And they're there at 11? 11? If you're there at 11, you see them with the suits. They snacking on. Yeah. And I always go, oh, hey, you know, you don't know what to say, you don't know what to say.

So I go, oh, hey, you know what I mean? And I always let them like. Coming up on your starboard. Heads up. I always let them cut in line. Oh, because you think. No, I just feel like, yeah, go ahead. You know, I don't want my career to be all ruined.

No, you know what it is? You do that because just in case they have the key to the thing. What thing? The life? The mystery of the universe. You think so? Yeah. And all these Scientologists are like, you fools.

You didn't listen to us. And then they point at Bobby. They're like, he's OK. He's with us. Yeah. He let me pass at Gelson's. And then maybe you get in the space and they look at Doc and they go, Doc as well. And they look at me and they're like, fuck no.

I think the reason why is because I am a huge Tom Cruise fan. Yeah. I like him. Who's not a Tom Cruise fan? Let's move some fun. Bob, Carlos wants me to go to the can real fast. He says he's got some hot ones in here. No.

Let me try one. What if Andrew was tragically killed in an elephant trampling? What if elephants trampled me to death? Do you know what's so insane about this? I was watching Naked and Afraid the other night and they were elephants going by their camp and the South African guy was like, you know, they'll barrel right over the bush. They'll fuck you up. They'll right over the bush, they'll push it down and I thought, how the fuck would

you get away from an elephant in the middle? It's you're fucked. Yeah, dude, if you got trampled by elephants, please don't do that because you know what I turn into? Moby Dick. I would hunt down every elephant. Would you really? Out of rage.

Are you serious? Oh yeah. But then would you be able to tell people? The one that trampled you? I keep him alive. I would keep him alive. And I would have. You'd feed him.

Yeah. I would have fed him. No boo. You'd give an elephant no boo. I don't know. I don't know if elephants love hygrids. Oh, the fuck hasn't let no boo. Hygrids sushi, but you want to go to a no boo and they would have to, well, because

of COVID, maybe they have an outdoor area. They got to have outdoor. Yeah. Yeah. Bobby. Is that a horse or? He's a horse elephant. Yeah.

Well, how does an elephant sound? Right. He's going, you know. Hamachi. Yes. Yeah. He loves Hamachi. He's like, new style sashimi.

Right. I would hunt all of them down, kill them and keep the one that trampled you alive. I love you. Thank you, man. But then you'd secretly kill that guy later in life. You'd keep him around and then you'd slowly kill him. Oh, I would. Yeah.

Slowly like peel a skin. Dude, they did. They dismantle and. Oh, my God. They stand. They kill people constantly. How many people get killed by elephants a year? No, seriously.

This is like a real thing. How often they do. They're aggressive as fuck. Have you ever seen an elephant in real life? No. Holy fuck. It's like a zoo, but not like how human deaths. What is that?

100 to 500. 500 a year. 500 fucking people are dying at the hands of an elephant. That's insane. How have they happened and repeatedly like that? Dude, because people that live in, look, elephants have been known to raid villages in South Asia. So, so it's a lot of Asians getting killed by you.

Fucking. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Fucking rat. Fucking rat. Fucking rat. Hey, hey, this is a teachable moment.

I'm just asking. Right. So let me ask you something. You fucking kid. Hey. Sorry, my tone. Dad, come on. You talked to any fucking kid.

Where do elephants live? Do they say fucking, uh, Hong Kong? Yeah. Or do they say fucking Africa, bro? Africa. Exactly. Okay. I bet you more black people get trampled.

Oh boy. You want to do a race war? Oh boy. You want to do a race war? I bet you we don't. Why? Because you, why? You don't want to say something racist?

Why? I'm sitting in a race. No, just say why and we'll cut it out. Why? Because you're the Tarzan of, you know what I'm saying? We communicate. They go with their fucking physical, their physical alitness. Well, facts are facts.

Yeah. Who's going to outrun an elephant? An Asian guy or a black guy? Honestly. Or Hussein Bolt. Who's your money on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hussein Bolt or what's the figure skater's name from Korea?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nathan Chen. Is Nathan Chen for Hussein Bolt? Who's going to win? But if it was on ice? If it was on ice? Elephants on ice. Elephants on ice.

Elephants on ice. Elephants on ice. They can't skate. That's a good play that was. Anyway, there he is. I got to tell you something. I got to tell you something. Google this right now because I want to see to prove maybe Doc's point.

Where are the majority of elephant deaths? Where do they take place? Where's the highest amount of elephant deaths? I would say, okay, you're saying China, Asia, I'm saying Africa. The majority of elephants, humans getting killed by elephants. You're saying what? Africa? Yeah.

And what are you saying, Doc? Asia? No. It's actually India. 300 people may be killed. So it is Asia. Yeah. We've had South Asia in the clip.

So 300 people may be killed annually. It's always like an Indian dude fucking around. Yeah, it's 100%. Oh, really? Now it's an Indian dude? But before you didn't even know, give me the fucking question. Right next door. Right next door.

Well, India is in Asia. Yeah. But I mean. Yeah, it's in Asia. Yeah. It's close. Bobby doesn't want to like that though. You don't accept Indians as Asian.

They're South Asians. They are. But also like. To be fair, when I was in Tokyo and Japan, I saw elephants everywhere. In Japan? In Japan? All over the streets. In Japan.

Roaming the streets of Tokyo. Okay. That's crazy. What if Bobby was at Tiananmen Square when that is a really good one? Who wrote that? Was that you, Pete? You mean when the guy that chewed gum and he threw it and he was in prison? Is that Tiananmen Square at work?

Yeah. Is that what that is? The guy with the tank. Dude, it's the tank. You've never seen the image. That iconic image that they're saying you standing in front of a tank. What would you have done if you were him? You know what?

That tank could have kept rolling over Bobby and had not killed him at all. He could have just kept rolling. It wouldn't even have touched him. It would have just gone over his head and he's like, oh, hey. Yeah. Well, you would have never, dude, never stopped in front. You would have never gone in front of a tank. You don't have that kind of shit.

It depends on what, why he's doing it. Those tanks were going to kill your mom. Yeah, I would. Those tanks are going to kill your brother. Yeah. Big pause. Yeah. I would know the other thing about it.

Yeah. Those tanks are going to kill George. Say it. Nobody can hear you. No. Okay. Those tanks are going to kill Fancy. No.

No. Those tanks are going to kill Pete and Carlos together. Combined. It's a twofer. Ooh. Nope. Those Pete's are going to kill Doc. Yeah.

Really? You'd stand in front of them. Those tanks are coming to kill him. No, no, no. That's a no. You're right. Those tanks are going to kill me. 100%.

I fucking love you. Oh, I get that. Yeah. Yeah. Like who am I going to pod with? Yeah, that's true. Yeah. It's like half my income is your life.

Yeah, I get that. Yeah. That makes sense. Don't get trampled by elephants. All right. Here we go. What if Bob, me, Doc, let's do Carlos and Pete and George, head and negotiate their order line in a human centipede.

Okay. I'm up front. No, no. I have to be up front. No, no. You're in the back. I'll tell you why. You're last.

He's last. Why would I be last? Because you don't know what we're talking about. Well, you do have the short. That is true. You don't know what any of it means. So just be last. You know what human centipede is?

You never saw it? No. Oh my God. Well, first of all, you'd be at the end. The reason that's us. The reason you'd be at the end. I like the elephant walk. No, no, no.

In the movie, this is a real movie. These tours get captured by some, sorry to explain. Imagine there's a pitch to a fucking studio. This is actually what. Yeah. I'm a studio executive. So, dude, we're so excited to read this script. And you wouldn't let us read it.

Thank you. But can we just hear what it is? I'd love to tell you. Okay. Love it. So excited. We're such big fans. Basically, these American tourists, they go to.

Okay. This is great. I love it. They go to Germany. Oh my God. And we can shoot in Germany. Oh my God. Yeah.

So locations. Location. Location. Location. It's everything. So, you know, that type of guy. I love this. Like Kristoff Waltz.

Exactly. Exactly. Maybe we get him. Maybe we don't. Okay. Then they get captured by him. Okay. Tension.

Drama. Love this. Anyway, they capture two girls. Right. He captured two girls and an Asian guy, a Japanese guy. Great. Another, you know, tourist. Yeah.

In Japan, they love to go to different countries. Do they ever? Do they not? And they're just click, click, click, click, click, click. They love it. Anyway, he's a surgeon. And they're a surgeon. So, you know, it's a human centipede.

I'm sorry? Do you love animals? I love animals. Yeah. Do you love David Attenborough? Oh my God. You're one of my favorites. Yeah.

All those, you know, the ones about the animals, you know, and all the animals. So, I love animals. I love the hills. Exactly. I love it. I love it, right? Love them. Anyway, so he makes the three a human centipede.

So how this works is, you know, I, the, I, crazy. I'm not serious. It's crazy. I love this movie already anyway. He surgically implants their mouths to each other's butthole So, you know the guy in the front is has the easiest I'm gonna make him the Asian guy because you know, you know Who his poos are smaller and tiny, you know, but anyway So he pulls into the woman's mouth, right and then she pulls into the other woman's mouth And they just kind of they go

What the two, you know, it's good about this not a lot of dialogue for the two girls, right? Yeah, because You know, you cannot talk when you're surgically implanted into somebody's butthole, right? Yeah, so data as an actress What a wonder let me stop you right there Let me stop you. Yes Here's a check for Exactly, so that's that was an actual movie. Who is the human set so That's the craziest, okay, so anyway In a human human sentiment with Pete, right doc would be at the end. Mm-hmm, right?

I will tell you why doc on a real centipede. Yeah, the back has to be the most important Okay, because your legs have to be the strongest and yours are the shortest and strongest to the ground because you've got to push All that weight up front. Yeah, imagine like a bunch of people inside you putting coal You're the caboose. You're the caboose, but I want to shit in somebody mouth too if I'm gonna be You know what I know your fear and I know how bummed you'd be so can you just imagine somebody is? Because you're not gonna even even care. How about this? Yeah, at night. Yeah at night. Yeah, the first guy Bobby Yeah, he has to come all the way around you get to poop in his mouth. So it's a big circle Just at night during the day though. You can't shit in anybody's mouth, right? So all right, so

You what you and I would have to gamble to his front. Let me tell you something. Yeah, if you take front Yeah, I'm somewhere way down the line. I don't want to be anywhere near. I promise you this. It's bad I promise you this. Uh, I will change my diet. I doubt it. I just a spite me I'm sure you're you're just like Yeah, you will let's go. No, I would go, you know, pork belly pork belly I swore to God, I would I would go do you know, we would go hope that little vegetarian restaurant on that's even worse Why? No, you need proteins for it to be more solid. I rather something thick that I can bite into All right, right. So how about this right? You can't talk, right?

So what I would do is I'll give you a piece of paper, right? And go, you know, I'll go What do what should I have for breakfast? I'll be very mindful about coffee coffee. Yeah All right, and I'll just do coffee. I want to get it over with all you would get over with well coffee's gonna make it So if I'm in the front, you'd be second. Ah, please just give me a space. You know what? Yeah Carlos He's got a low-impact diet. Yeah, no, he doesn't eat a lot of crazy shit. Do you Carlos? No, good You know why I also want him huh his smooth head on your ass on my asshole would feel so good That cold smooth head. All right, so then me and then after me is Pete Yeah

With Peters what look how big he's got to be shit in my mouth George is still in between you George is gonna get as usual George is gonna get the brunt of all the shit Yes, so George is that he's has to Pete Yeah, and then and then doc is a test of George George. Yeah, I feel like is a good lineup Well, no, well because once again George gets the brunt of all the shit just like this show Yeah, and he probably won't give doc any shit because he's too. He's just feels bad Yeah, but what? Cuz doc aback. Oh, yeah, another white man shit about it. Yeah, but the thing is is that what you're gonna be eating is

Gonna be the closest thing to food. Yeah from what he's eating pure shit There's nothing remotely food in there. Oh, yeah, cuz it's a trickle Well, let me say this I Miss I'm a Scientologist You're all done for dude, I'm cooking you bud. It's over. I'm telling everybody about this that you guys talked shit I was baiting you You're fucked

You know what oh Even if that would were to be true, they wouldn't let me in I didn't wouldn't I would don't have enough money You have to have so much money to get it. Yeah Thank you for being a bad friend being a bad friend