Bad Friends - Bobby Goes Fishing

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

Tour Tickets: https://badfriendspod.com Thank you to our Sponsors: https://displate.com/badfriends code: BADFRIENDS & https://vroom.com 0:00 We Are on Tour! 00:58 Santino is Not a Sci-fi Guy 8:56 Juicy's Fake Emotional Moment with Bobby 17:50 Swimming in Ego  24:32 Bobby's Saddest Limo Ride 30:50 Santino's Big Moment with Rogan 36:15 Carlos Needs Smaller Eyes 47:47 The Naked Beekeeper  58:35 Women Prefer Bobby in the Dark  More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Fancy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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But your heart's closed. No, no, no, no. I just, I have no interest in that category of film. Oh, I like a lot. You're allowed to. I'm allowed to say no. Do you like classical music? I do.

Like, would you listen to it all day all night? I do. Do you like spoken word poetry? No, it sucks. Yeah. I hate it. Yeah, people go there. Do people go like in New York?

I love New York, and I love people. Yeah. I do. Both things, right? Totally. But then they have those jams. They're at a coffee shop, you know what I mean? Beatniks, you know what I mean?

With their fingers and stuff, right? Hell yeah. You know what I mean? And candles. Why are there candles? In case the power goes out. Oh, that's my point. But it's like, you know, back in the day, like with Ginsburg

and back in the 60s, the Beatnik scene, right? I am, you will, we are, make me, life, given. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The white man wants you to think I am less than. I want a boo. Amen. Amen. Amen.

Thank you. So that's what I'm saying. I made them once. Sci-fi films are spoken word poetry to me. I'm at Allen Ginsberg. You met Ginsburg? Yeah. Where?

At D.H. Wells Bookstore in La Jolla. I thought you were going to say D.H.L. I was shipping something. So I had the, he wrote a book called The Howl, or The Howling, what is it called? That's Carlos, by the way. You look, he looks exactly like Ginsburg. They have the same hair.

But you know what he wrote in my book? What? You watch too much TV. Allen Ginsberg. He's probably right. Yeah, but I didn't know how he knew that. He could look at you. Oh, really?

You got a TV body. Oh, like a turnip, right? Yeah. You're more like a squash. Like a squash. Summer squash, because they're yellow. But I remember being offended, like reading it and going, what the fuck, how do you know?

Fuck you, bitch. But he's right, though. He's totally right. Yeah. And last thing I want to say about that is, I chased Lou Reed down the street. I love Lou Reed. When I was 16 years old.

What do you mean, you try to fight Lou Reed? No, I was obsessed with Lou Reed. And so me and my friend Jensen went to his, he had a poetry reading, you know, with his lyrics from his songs. Yeah. And there was not a lot of people there, maybe 60 people. And then he went out the back.

And me and Jensen go, I had my velvet underground shirt. Let's go around, right? We saw him in the alleyway and we started running toward him. He got in his car and he drove away. He's like that. And when he left, he went, Lou Reed. I never chased a celebrity. No, I've never chased anybody.

My dad, I've told this on this podcast before, but the first celebrity I actually saw, well, the first celebrity I ever saw was with my mom in an ice cream store in Chicago. I saw that we saw the mother from. Let me guess. Yeah, let me guess. Wait, what's wrong with me?

Let me guess, though. Yeah. Malcolm in the middle. What? No. You said the mother in Malcolm in the middle? No. I was a child when this happened.

This was. All right, how about this? Many years ago. All right, what this? Bonanza. Is there a mother in there? No. I've never seen a show.

There's got to be a mom in Bonanza. No. Oh, how about this? The one with fucking the guy that went to. Exactly. No, no, listen. Can I just explain? You guessed it.

The one with the guy that went to the thing? No. No, what's the one where little house in the prairie? How old do you think I am? You said you were young. Yeah, but dad wasn't on when I was a kid. Little house in the prairie? Dude, you're thinking about you.

Oh. I'm 40, you're 50. I used to love that show. It was Kevin Arnold's mom. It was, oh my god, what's wrong with me? Why can't I think of the name of this show? Dude, that's her right there. Yeah, that's her from Wonder Years.

What's her name? She was so sweet and so nice. And she signed a napkin. Allie Mills? Huh? Allie Mills, that's right. She signed a napkin for me at the ice cream store. She was the first.

And then the second one, we saw Tom Selick in the airport in Chicago at O'Hare by the baggage. And my dad goes, Tom Selick! No, it was embarrassing. Yeah, I was bright orange, hotter than I ever have been. Just like illuminating orange. And then he looked over and kind of gave like a what. And my dad was like, hey.

Really? It was so weird. My dad. I was like, why did you just yell at Tom Selick? My dad's never heard a song before. What? What? He doesn't know what music is.

He never heard music. What do you mean? He doesn't know what it is. There's music when you're like in a store. That's how anti like anything he is is like he does. He wouldn't know what Mozart was. He wouldn't know what like Bruce Springsteen was. If you played him a song, it all sounds the same to me.

It's just noise. Was he not allowed to listen to music as a kid? He's just not a music listener or movie watcher or anything. What did he do for fun when he was allowed? Work. That was fun. No. Earned money.

In fact, he was so cheap. Me and my brother went to his. He owned a clothing store called Fashion Gal. Oh, yeah, we know we know. And he went to his and he and I go, where are the employees? I know I do everything. Everything I do, right? And I look.

Me and my brother looked below the cash register. There's a fucking gigantic jar of pee. What? Because he has no employees, right? So he just pees. You hear me? In this gigantic jar, right? Welcome, welcome.

And they're like, is that where P.U. came from? Probably P.U. Yeah, P.U. On the U. Yeah, but yeah, my dad doesn't know anything. And when he was dying, right? This is a really heartfelt story. Give it.

All right. So my when my dad was dying, my brother had air pods or whatever. And he stuck in his ear, right? First, he plays Tribe Called Quest. I mean, that's a good way to start. And my dad will start shaking, right? Then I go, no, no, no. So I changed it to Eric Clapton.

You know, the stairway. Tears in heaven. Tears in heaven. Tears in heaven. I swear to God, he had one tear. He heard a song for the first time that he died. Yeah. His last words on his deathbed, he was just like,

can I kick it? Can you imagine holding his hand and you're like, yes, you can. He's like, can I kick it? Or like a week or a week later, we come back home and he's like dressed like Tupac. Like he's totally in it, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Biggie, why did he kick it?

Where's the coaster? Juicy, how much fun did you have in Vancouver, Canada? Oh, it was amazing. I can't believe it. She cried. 2,700 seats, Juicy came out, hot as a pistol, didn't miss a beat, crushed, crushed. So excited.

That was the beginning of the tour. It's all smooth sailing from here, kiddo. We had a really nice moment, Bobby and I. Yeah, really nice. Yeah. And she goes, because you know, I mean, I've had a really bad couple of weeks and that show happened at the right time.

It was awesome. It was awesome. That's what Andrew's been saying. I knew, I said, this is exactly what we need to start the tour in Vancouver with a big, huge audience of people in Canada that were like so excited to come out. So excited.

It was so awesome. And we were leaving. I go, let's go. We got a kind of car trailer with her. And she goes, no, I want to go back on the stage again. So I went with her. I made him come with me. And she goes, look.

And you know, this beautiful theater. Such a pretty theater. Beautiful theater. Like same guys on the ceiling. Oh my god. And I could see her tear up, right? And I went, you know what? You just taught me a lesson.

This is it. This is it. This is it. There's nothing else. Living it right now. Right now. You really taught me a lesson. I was so glad because I didn't tell you at the time,

but I think it was because I was pretty drunk. Because I didn't drink during the show. But then after we kicked it in the green room, some guests came back. I drank one and a half IPAs. That'll do it for them. We were back on the stage. And I was like.

So it wasn't a real emotion. No, it's real. But it was fueled. But you were like, are you getting emotional? And then I was like, yeah. And then you started. Wait, wait, wait. Stop.

You weren't emotional then? You were faking it? Well, I didn't want to tell you. I think a lot of it was because of the alcohol. Yeah. But it was still real. Spiritual. I had a spiritual profound moment.

You were fucking drunk. Yeah, but wait a minute. Wait a minute. People take ayahuasca to see God. So they're intoxicated with something when they see something else. So I believe chemicals can sometimes open your brain to the spiritual world.

So this was her just realizing, look at how beautiful this is. You don't need chemicals. You're above it. You've transcended chemicals. Let me tell you, I wish I had chemicals in the last two or three weeks. Yeah, well, now you don't need them because.

With two on my face in a hotel room, like in Mexico. How could I forget? Anyway, that was a great experience. I'm so clad, you know what I mean? You know, we get to live through you too because it's like, here's the deal. When you're, you know, when you've been in show business, so gross that you've been saying that,

but in this business as long as I have. Yeah. I remember those first moments. Huge. The first time you did TV as a stand-up. The first time you did a theater, all that stuff. And I remember it being so powerful and visceral and it was just such an experience.

And as you get older, you just kind of like, we're always telling you, like, you know, the first time you play the belly room in the comedy store is exciting. But after the 10,000th time, it just becomes like a thing that you just do, right? But it's like, you should take every moment and just go, you know what, this is great.

This is unbelievable. Well, we talked about this before the show. What's in front of you? See what's in front of you? Stop looking this way and that way and backwards. What's right here in front of you right now? Yeah. So, like, that's the way to, like, live through life.

It's, you know what, it's almost like shoveling snow for people that grew up in places with snow. When you go outside, you see the driveway and you're like, fuck, fuck, it's forever. But if you just look at the little chunk every time that you're getting a little chunk of snow every time, you start to just forget that there's all that space. And at some point, then you turn around and you're like,

oh, fucking, I'm almost done. Because instead of overwhelming yourself with, look at all the shit that I have to do, you're just like, well, let me just take it one little chunk at a time. Can't you just hire somebody to do that? We didn't grow up with the San Diego money, dude. We didn't grow up in the fucking pow way.

We weren't fucking billionaires. We did that for our snow in San Diego. You didn't get any snow. I know. And, you know, we paid too much for the guy. We paid him $100 and I'm like, yeah, there's no snow. So it wouldn't be. Mr. Lee, I will do your driveway,

but it's no snow for me to get. You want me to scrap snow for the driver? It's winter. OK. So yeah, so you have to do it. You have to just see what's. Why do you know why do you know I'm more curious because I didn't grow up in the snow?

As a kid, I did in Minnesota, but I don't remember. But why do you have to do it? Shovel the snow. Yeah, I don't know anything about the car. How do you get your cars out? It's a driveway. I see. Yeah.

Also, people need to get to your home. That's how they get up the driveway to your house. Wouldn't that be a great excuse not to show up to work, though? I'm stuck. Yeah, to snow. Hello. Hello.

Oh, my dad, my dad. I don't know why I just did that. I don't know. I was trying to figure something out. Hello. Hi. Is this the boss over at where do I work? Oh, at Pep Boys.

Over at Pep Boys? Hey, is this Mike? Yeah, man. Hey, Mike, I'm not going to be able to make it in today. Why not, man? Snow. Oh, shit. There's snow.

Tons. That's like four or five inches. I can't go. I should go back home then, man, huh? Snow. Yeah, if you can make it back. I feel like you might be stuck at Pep Boys. Really good improv.

Thanks. I love that. I love our little improv. Yeah, it's so good. They're really good. You guys, none of you guys grew up with snow. That's fucking insane. You're a Houston kid.

You're from where? LA. Yeah, you're from here, kind of, right? I lived in snow once, though. Where? And Flagstaff, Arizona. Love, love Northern Arizona. Yeah, and then my car got snowed in,

and I just left it there. Seriously? You'd pull the Bobby? Yeah. It was my first car. Is that where Doug Stanhope lives, or where does he live? He lives in Bisbee. Bisbee.

What's his Bisbee? It's a little small town. Yeah. And it's just, it's like his town. It's like he runs that whole fucking place. You know, I've known him longer than any other comedian, I think. Stanhope?

Yeah. I met him in 1997. Yeah. Yeah. He was funny back then. He was, he's so funny. Yeah, so funny. He's a professional drinker.

Nobody's, but like, I think Burt, Burt, Burt's probably one of the best, but I think Stanhope is, like I had a phone call this weekend with Whistlepig, my boy Patrick at Whistlepig, who's going to work with us with Whiskey Ginger, and he was telling me that he was having a few drinks with Stanhope, and he's like, I just, nobody can keep up with that guy. But he's super coherent.

He can drink all night, hang out, nothing. Doesn't act like a fool, doesn't like get all, you know what I mean? Just keeps it, keeps it level. He's a nice guy. Let me ask you about Burt Kreischer. I love him. Yeah.

Great heart, and I think about him all the time. I love him so much. I don't know how his heart is with all that waste. Right. But is there, are you ever concerned for him or no? For what? For the partying and all that stuff or no? No, because I think he's got something.

He must have figured out something to keep balance. Yeah, there's something he's doing. I can't figure it out. I think he's faking. Whoa. You don't think he's drinking. I don't think he's really drinking. All right, call him out.

Say it right now, Burt. You ain't drinking. It's iced tea, huh? I think I just did. Well, then call it out. Say what, say how you really feel. You think he's faking it. Burt Kreischer, I think you're full of shit.

Whoa. I think you're so bad. One theater and now, we got it. So you think he never drinks? You think it's non-alcoholic? That would be hilarious. If he's like taking the shots and spitting them out. Spitting them out.

Yeah, or he's drinking NA beers or he's de-alcoholized booze. It'd be smart. This is a good theory. What? Next time in the audience, if a beautiful woman wants my number, give it to him. All right, let's talk about this. Let's talk about what happened.

That's fucked up. There was multiple girls in Vancouver who were pretty that wanted to be Bobby's lover. And one of them in particular was a young woman that was up in the balcony and was really committed. And Carlos went up there to go let her talk. And she asked a question, basically, will you hook up with me is what she said to you.

And Carlos sabotaged the situation. He cock-blocked the situation by not only not giving her your number, but he tried to sneak a DM to her. Exactly. I have a reason why, though. Celibacy, you said you were going to say. You said it last week. Yeah, I know.

Celibacy, you know, unless something comes my way. For me, it's like this. It's like, I'm not going to pursue it, right? But if it comes my way, you know what I mean? If I'm walking down the street, I see a vagina, I'm going to pick it up. Because when you're chasing it and stuff, it becomes like a drug, right?

You get dopamine hits, there's a mystery, the chase, all that stuff. And I just feel like it feels unhealthy. So I don't want to do that. But it's like, you know, if I'm walking down the street, you mean, and somebody says, here. Hands you a pussy. That's like being handed a box with a ribbon on it or whatever.

It's got to be nicer than a dick, for sure. Yeah, dicks just get thrown at you. Yeah, always. But I feel like that's like drinking a beer just because someone offered it to you and you're sober. Oh, this is interesting. That's an interesting thing. Yeah, yeah, that is interesting.

Somebody threw a crack on it. I have an addiction to that. You think I do? I think there's potential for it. Do you think you're addicted? I know you always push this thing. Do you think you're addicted? Let's start there.

And who's more addicted? You're me. I'm. You're way more addicted. I was going to admit that, I promise. So don't call out a guy, right, who's maybe addicted when you're the most addicted. It's like, am I not right or no?

Yeah, but I can see my brother in arms. I can see my brother. Like, I can see, as someone who's addicted, I can see the trace of addiction. That's so famous for his own. That's insane. He goes out there. André, have you noticed them?

I saw what he did out there a few times. Yeah. I mean, you're just swimming in ego. But I gotta tell you something. A girl said she was taller than me in the audience. She did. Yeah. What's good about Carlos, why I love him so much,

is his confidence level has taken him farther in life than life was going to take him. So you have to have that kind of bravado to last. Yeah. You know what I mean? He's got to have that swagger. He's not tall. He's not strong.

He's not smart. He's bald. He's gay. Yeah. He's got all these things going against him. He's like, you know what your type is as a man? Crumb. What?

Crumb? Wait, that's what someone would call. No, you're that category of white dude. Yeah. San Francisco, weird artist. Crumb. Yeah, drunk. You don't know Crumb?

What, Robert Crumb? You know him? Look it up. Yeah, look it up. Robert Crumb, you're that type. That's crummy. That guy looks cool. No, look in the 70s.

But I'll say this, can I give you a compliment? All jokes aside, Carlos is a handsome, cool dude. He's got great swagger, and that's why girls like him. The problem is there's a balance between that's, oh my god, Carlos, that's you. That's your type. Yeah. Your type, that's the kind of person you are.

He looks cool. Yeah. His neck looks grabbable. I should be so lucky to be Robert Crumb. Yes, I agree. He has Kirk Fox's neck. Such a long neck, the giraffe, baby. Yeah, yeah.

So talented. No, what I'm saying is the problem is, right, both of you guys, talented, cool, wonderful dudes, you're both out there fishing. Even though you're selling, you're fishing a little bit. How? By being on stage and being like. Just because I have a fishing rod?

Don't make an assumption that I have a fishing rod, right? And I've got bait, you know what I mean, that I'm fishing. OK. I don't know if I'm just prepared for a big school. I get it. But the point is, and Juicy can attest, she's actually probably the best balance of all this, because she saw it all go down.

We need to have a regulated way. If a girl says flirting with Bobby, that you need to step back and let that happen, and let that thing go, and then you can get your own girls. Right? Yeah. I mean, how did they handle the situation? You think it was bad?

Yeah, I think if they say, I want to date Bobby, that should be pretty clear. Pretty clear, pretty cut and dry at that point. Yeah, I think there was two of them. Yeah, there was two. Well, I just want to say the real issue is that Bobby and I are now in the same dating pool weirdly enough.

Oh, really? Yeah, you've got to change that water. Yeah, I think so. What? I think so. No. Can I tell a story that Sandy Danza told me? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, please. Is that about me? Yeah, but it will go for a full circle. Oh, this is gross. OK. Tread carefully. No, no, no, no. We'll go wild.

It doesn't show you in a bad light, but it was about when you were opening for Polly. Me? Yeah. OK. And Sandy was saying that there was a point where you passed this threshold of, like, now you're picking up all these chicks on the road.

And one time, anybody who knows Polly knows the house is open to sell his merch for him. And Sandy tells me that one time, you didn't do that. Instead, you went instead of selling. I went fishing. Not only did he go fishing, but he went, he found these girls, they wanted to hang out with them. You totally skipped the meet and greet line.

And I was told, maybe I should have said that. No, keep going, keep going. I like it. I remember where it was, even. And then Polly was so mad he took your girls. No, that's not the story. How did it end? That's how weird he really is at the competition.

That's absolutely not the story. It's insane. You know what? It's fucking, you know, it's so fucking. Let me ask you, tell you something. I'll tell you what, I'm fucking telling you. I'm emotional. OK.

All right, let me just get it out, OK? It makes me so angry. OK. All right, this is what happened, OK? Displayed, you guys, as a kid, I loved posters. But you would, you know, you'd have a poster for like a year and they get shredded apart. Yeah, you want something solid and something heavy

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It was in Ohio. Yeah, Columbus is Ohio. It is? Yes, it is. And I got it right. Yeah, you did. Columbus, Ohio. And he's on stage.

I'm at the bar. Two beautiful girls go, hey, we just thought you were so funny. And I go, thank you, you know, that's how I did it too. And they go, hey, we're just kind of drunk and, you know what I mean, we want to fucking hang, you know, and we think you're cute. It was like, you know, a present. Yeah, that was the gift. So there was a limo driver that, you know, because at that time, Paulie had

always a limo driver waiting outside, right? So I went into the limo with these two girls. What's so funny? I just, I mean. No, it sounds good. Yeah. And I'm making out with them, right? And, and I'm like, oh, this is, I won the lottery.

Yeah, you're making out with both of them? Yeah. This is great. I won the lottery. And then all of a sudden the door opens, he goes, what about me, dude? What about you, dude? He grabs both of them and they leave. Now I'm sitting in the fucking limo.

Saddest limo. The saddest limo on planet Earth. But also the rage. Yeah. Can I say another thing he did to me? Yeah. This is crazy. Yeah.

I'm in Shreveport, Louisiana, right? He has a girl there, right? That he met. I don't know how he met her. And I'm, I want to get it got out like a hamburger or whatever. He's on stage. I go into the green room. The girl that he's with has my wallet in her hand because I took cash out and I left

the wallet there and she's rummaging through my fucking wallet, grabbing money and shit. I go, what the fuck, bitch? You know what I mean? That's my fucking wallet. Right. I go, I'm going to tell Pauly, Pauly gets off stage and I go, this girl you're with stole money from my wallet and he goes, so I did. And so for that whole weekend, I had to be in a car with her after she robbed me.

After she robbed me, I had to sit there with them and just look at her. And she was like, look at me like, what are you going to do? You know what I mean? It was so painful. And this is, this is a white privilege that it just has got to stop. It's got white privilege. That was white privilege. That was why she did it.

Yeah. Because she said, I'm going to steal from this little noodle. He's not going to do anything. It's like the way that that story. So who told you that story? Sandy Danto? Yeah. Okay.

It's not a bad story. I'm just saying that's what Carlos did to you. Yeah. That's what Carlos. Yeah. That's what you did to me. He pollied you. He pollied me.

Yeah. Well, that's, this is actually a pretty good comparison. That is something. There was a Pauly story. And I don't know if this is true, but that he would take, take those guys to Subway and for lunch, you know, cause he was just like, you know, you'll pay for the opener's lunch or dinner and he'd take them to Subway, but he'd make them get the footlong. But he'd go, you could have footlong.

We had to eat half now, half later. They were only allowed, they were only allowed to eat six inches of it at lunchtime because he wanted them to save it for the dinner because the dinner wasn't comp for openers at the club. Like the clubs will comp the headliner meal, but they won't do opener meal. I mean, some of them back in the day, they didn't, they used to just go, headliners get a meal, but the opener would get like a discount or they'd get, you know what I mean? That's what he said.

I didn't have half now. By the way, footlongs were $5. He made me cry once. What? He did a prank on me, but I thought it was real and I literally cried like with panic. Why? Cause I go to the hotel, we're in Detroit and we go to the hotel and I, I open my door and he's behind me and he, and he brings his luggage, everything into the room.

What? In your hotel room? Yeah. And he goes, dude, we're sharing a room. And I go, what? Yeah, I did. You know, we're not making a lot of money on this tour, man, saving money. And he starts like taking stuff out of his fucking thing, putting it in the drawers.

I sat on the bed, right? There was a twin bed and I literally just started crying. It was like, oh, this is going to be the worst. Yeah. But then he was like, I'm kidding. But a piece of him, he was like, kidding, dude. Then he went down to the front desk. He's like, I need another room.

He definitely didn't have a plan. He definitely did that last year. I would not just, you know, I would never, I wouldn't be where I'm at today without him and his family. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I love them so much. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, yeah. There's good, there's beautiful history to that that we have to always respect. But funny, funny quirky guy, dude. He's a really interesting guy. He's such a legend. He's a legend. Every story is like, I don't know if this is true or not, but I hear it. And that's the stories that we're going to come off the road with.

Did you open with anybody early on? No, man. That was a, that was like a sore spot for me for some reason. I asked someone one time, and I'm not going to say who, but I said to a headliner, I was like, yeah, man, you know, a lot of, I've never, I've never been taken out. Like I never got taken out. And the person said, yeah, well dude, you're pretty good for your age range. Like you're good for your, your class.

I think that would be my problem with you. And I was like, yeah, but I still need it. Nobody knows me. And they were like, yeah, but headliners would rather have someone a little bit less developed that they can develop. And they were like, you're, you're going to be okay. And I was so mad at that, that I was like, yeah, but that, I need money. Like I need to go out with somebody.

And not even a year later, I got punked. And when I got punked, I was able to parlay that with a shitty manager at the time who was getting me D rooms. I was playing like Winamucca casino for $185. I've been there. And I did all that. So I was just headlining D rooms with, you know, 38 minutes or whatever, trying. So I started to headlining quote unquote young, not legitimized, but by the time I got to

a point then when I was developed, I nobody, I couldn't have gone out with anybody. So it's almost like I jumped that step. And then Rogan started taking me out five, six years ago. I don't even know. But that's like, oh, come on, man. That's amazing. No, I'm saying that was the first I ever had was Rogan. He was the first guy that was like, you should open for me.

And I was like, yeah, I'll fuck, I'll open for you. I remember the first time I saw you. At the store. Yeah. Yeah. You told us. Yeah. No, but I said, I watched you.

Oh, no, that's a given. But I said, you know, the, you know, the moment that I had that you had with Rogan, I will say this. When he took me, we played Chicago theater and I went back home to Chicago and the stage manager said, I was looking at the stage and I was like, God, so big, it's unreal. And he was like, you'll play it. And I was like, okay, dude, like, yeah, okay. And sure enough, then I went back and played it, you know, so those moments are like, like

Bobby was saying before, look at the snow in front of you, like that's, you should soak it up because those are, that's why it's amazing. Yeah. It's incredible to be able to be a part of that. But yes, no, I got to skip over. I skipped over that featuring thing for some reason, but I was so jealous, man. All my friends in my class were going out with people. But every comic has their thing, like you have that, right?

But because I used to open for dice sometimes, like that would have been so fun and see Paulie. But I never got to do festivals, right, as a young comic, I just never was invited. You know, so it's like, you know, that everyone has their thing, you know what I mean? Like, oh, why, I wish that, why didn't that happen or whatever? But your path is your path. No, yeah. And that's where there is no direct path. Like you, like you didn't know, you don't know, you don't know.

You didn't know and don't know what's to come. This came and this wasn't planned. You know what I mean? I reached a point where I was like, I'm not going to quit. So even if I'm just playing bars, you know, for the rest of my life, then I'll just do that. And I'll be happy doing that. And then I got the job and met you guys and a lot has happened.

My manager will not stop talking about you. Really? Oh my God. Does she remember my name? Let's talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. Does she know her name?

What? What's going on? Is Lindsay coming downstairs? Who's Lindsay? No one is named Lindsay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you know, Jessica. Jessica.

No, let's talk about, let's talk about what happened to your manager, by the way. All right. Within the first hour. Oh, this is concerning. Within the first hour, we go to get food. She wants to smoke a cigarette, borrows a cigarette from the bartender, borrows a lighter from the bartender. Who was the dishwashers?

Yeah. Dishwashers lighter, right? Right. Dishwashers lighter. Yeah. If you're washing dishes, I'm smoking. You're smoking. I'm smoking.

Yeah. So gets it from the bartender who got it from the dishwasher. She goes outside, has a cigarette, comes back in, within seconds, goes, I lost the lighter. You just were smoking. Where would it be? Yeah. So we're turning it upside down.

She's emptying her purse or pockets, all this stuff. Everything, everything. And the bartender comes over. Good looking guy. Good looking guy. My God. Oh my God. Right?

Holy shit. I'm gonna get that lighter. And she's like, I, I'm so sorry to say this, I, I lost the lighter. His face was so funny. Yeah. His face was like, are you keeping it? Yeah. Because you just smoked outside.

That was three minutes ago. Yeah. Yeah. And then so he goes, and he literally goes, the funniest thing he goes, I guess I'll go tell the busboy you are the dishwashers, you lost the lighter. Like, you know, I'm mad. He has to wash dishes. His job is already fucking annoying.

Yeah. And then he goes, hey, what's up? And the guy's like, oh, she lost your lighter. He's like, what the fuck? He's so mad. And guess where it was? She was sitting on it. Sitting on it.

So that's the first, like, that was the first time I went, hmm, that's a little weird. Yeah. Airport. Airport. So I'm sitting there with a jet ski and we're like eating the nice restaurant. Yeah. Bobby's giving me all this wisdom about my career and show business. And I could see from afar Abby running around in circles, sprinting, like she's running

one way or the other and I'm watching her going, what the fuck is she doing? Yeah. And she's sweating, right? And she comes and goes, I don't know what my phone is. And she's like, do you know where it is? No, we're eating. Where's my phone? Yeah.

Yeah. And then she goes, she pulls out her computer. She goes, it's here, right? And but I don't know where here is. And then you had to leave the fucking table and go find, where was it? It was at a, we found it pretty fast. A gate agent had it. Yeah.

And she could not, she was like, why does the gate agent have it? And I was like, someone probably found it. Yeah. And gave it to a gate agent. Yeah. Thank God somebody just gave, they could have just removed the SIM and got a phone. Yeah. Dude, she's multiple.

And then what? The bag, with the bag, she, they had to check her bag because they're, all right, all right. And then she was like, they got it as you're going to be on the plane or on it. But my, my favorite part was every time it happened, she goes, I swear this never happens. I swear this never happens. It felt like a sitcom character's tagline. You know what I mean? Like a sitcom character.

Like every time something was like, you know, glue all over the place and she's like, this never happens. Commercial break. I mean, it was so insane. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it was, but Vancouver is so, it was such a cool city.

So much fun. Oh my God. And then we went out afterwards. We hung out for a little bit. It was great. With a bunch of friends, a bunch of people that we know. Adam Mandel, Jenna Sunday, and, and, and Ted was there who made these signs for us. And then what did I do?

I said, juice, time to go home. I had a call first thing eight in the morning. So I said, juice is time for us to go home. I got to work in the morning. And she goes, yeah, I'm a little buzzed. So we get a car and I said, Carlos, do you want to take a car back to the hotel? What do Carlos do? I think I'm going to look at, he said it like this too.

Real creep style. He goes, I think I'm going to stick around. And he said it real low and I was like, and may I say this, I think your eyes are too big. What? I like my eyes. What? No, no, no.

What do you mean? I like them. I'm going to tell you. I'm going to name names, right? Okay. But there is somebody in your group that's obviously doesn't like them. Me? Yeah.

Oh, right, right, right. Right. And you were like, yeah, I think I have a shot. Oh my God. I was like, wow, you have to get smaller eyes. You have to get my eyes, right? Because you're swinging way, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Like he's like of elementary school, little leaguer, right? In the fucking big league. His eyes are too big. No way. There's no way. No way. You're saying he was at Yankee Stadium when he plays t-ball? Yeah, yeah.

There's no way to. What do you think? No, it's like I played at LSU and now I'm at Yankee Stadium and I'm like, oh, this isn't, this is kind of like Louisiana. She's so above your league, that's, it's unfucking believable. I agree that she's above my league, but I don't, I think I could make it to the next level. Well, the confidence, I'm telling you, this guy's confidence is staggering.

I've seen it in the past couple of years. I feel like, oh, I'm like. What was the biggest hiccup in that whole thing though? She was married. She's married. Yeah. That's how. Delusion.

Delusion. But he's got, I tell you, I tell you, he's got the horse blinders on and he was going, he thought, dude, I think this girl might did me. Yeah. And I didn't say anything because I was like, yeah, man. Yeah. I got, you got to let the kid fly. I got flaked on and that's why.

I cut the wings. Well, let me tell you. Yeah. You know how the, you know how that, we've shown it on this. Remember the birds that we've seen that are born on the cliff and the, and the mom lets it just fall out of the, they let it fall and they hit their head the whole way down. And the ones that wake up are the ones that get to carry on with them. But the ones that die, die.

I'm mama bird. And I, and he said that, he goes, he's pretty, he's pretty good looking. And I was like, oh yeah, and he goes, I think I'm going to try. And I was like, go ahead and fall on the cliff. I wanted him to really head all the way down. Why would I say anything? Oh, I woke up though. I woke up.

I'm here the next time. This is my point though. He did wake up. He, it is had a lot and he learned. Yeah. He learned. I got to let him fall. What am I going to do?

Wow. But in the future, this whole conversation wrapped up, if here's the deal, we'll take a poll. In fact, we should put a poll up at the show. Girls don't want to talk to Carlos. Girls don't want to talk to Bobby. We could put a QR code up. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That way you guys aren't fighting because fighting life. I'm not fighting. No, no, no. I'm saying live for, for the, wouldn't girls say that they, they'd like you guys great. No more in fighting within the family because it's going to be bad.

I know. But if a girl walks into me, I'm interested in Carlos, right? I will do it. I mean, it'll hurt, it'll hurt bad. It'll burn. Right. But I'll do it because that's the code. I know it's going to be way late by the time this airs, but did you see this video of Kid

Rock shooting a gun at, at the Bud Light because he's all mad about that campaign? No. Did you see this? No. So stupid. Look at how dumb this video is. This will be, this will be weeks after this happened, but look at this guy. Grandpa's feeling a little frisky today.

Gross. First of all, gross. That's what Carlos is going to be like. Wait, wait. You know Kid Rock looks like a Culkin. He does look Culkin-y. Yeah. He's very Culkin-y.

Look at that. All right. Started over though. Yeah. Look at this opening line. Tough opening line. Oh my. He's got a MAGA hat on.

Wow. Wait. Tough opening line though. Go ahead. Grandpa's feeling a little frisky today. Gross. Let me say something to all of you and be as clear and concise as possible. That's the sound of an unfortunate mess.

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Like Loves Miller Light Coors Light, it just hates Anheuser-Busch, hates him, really hates him. They did like a tiered campaign with that Dylan Mulvaney I told you about. And so this is his response to that campaign, which I got to tell you, seems like a logical response from a well-balanced stupid thing. Can you imagine being so mad at a campaign, you're like, go get six cases of it, and I'm going to shoot it in my backyard. Not one person in a circle is like, I don't even think you need to do that, we could just

not buy it anymore. If you really didn't like it, it's like, this is basically like a Yelp review. It's on the same level to me as someone that's like, the service was unbearably slow. You're like, just don't go back. Just don't go back. How much is a bullet? How much your bullets cost? Yeah, I don't know.

For that kind of gun? Let me guess, a bullet probably costs $1.50? It's about, it's a pretty good guess. I would imagine. Pretty good, you think? Yeah, 33 cents a round. Oh, wow. Wow.

They're really cheap. Really cheap. That was Chris Rock's best joke from that special. Just make bullets too expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is an AR-15 ammo so expensive? It's considered expensive, that price. 33 cents.

Around, yeah. Well, yeah, because, you know, yeah. Yeah. That's pretty expensive. I guess. I mean, it is in the world because you heard, he just, you know what I mean. Right, right, right. But really sweet though.

I mean, really, it just feels like that's a message of love and hope in the future. Shoot a bunch of cans of beer. I just, when the video popped up on my TikTok, I was like, why is this the move? It looks like, does he live in like Virginia or something? It looks like kind of rural. Where does he live? I think he lives in Tennessee. Oh, Tennessee.

He lives in Nashville. Tell him to come to the show. I heard you talk about Chris Rock's special misplaced anger. I like that part a lot. He's got to be angry about something else. Yeah, that's 100% true. It's like, what is that? What was that about?

Like, you had to have a bad morning. Do you know what I mean? Let's go through his day. That led to Kid Rock shooting of the Bud Light, right? Yeah. Okay. Didn't get any sleep last night. Yeah.

Sleepless night. You know, because his aunt Tilly has his having heart surgery. Tilly Rock. Huh? Wait, his last name's not Rock, is it? It is now. For the sake of this bit. It's Kid Rock.

Yeah. Tilly Rock. Tilly Rock. Great name, by the way. But his aunt Tilly had open heart surgery. You know that, right? This is her second one, I think. Oh, fuck.

I didn't know. I know anything about him. I'm making all this shit up. Oh, yeah, yeah, that happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aunt Tilly, yeah. Oh, that aunt Tilly. Yeah.

She's great. Open. Open. Her heart's open. So she had, you know, she had open heart surgery for the second time, so he didn't get good sleep, right? Yeah. In the middle of the night, he woke up a bunch of times to go to the bathroom.

Not in stressful pain, looking into the mirror, thinking, what if there's a till dog's last day on earth? And I didn't get to say goodbye. She's living in Canada. Where does she live? She lives in... Wales. Wales, England.

Oh, she lives in Wales. Yeah. That's so far away. That's right, Wales. Go far. Small town. Small town. Far.

So he's mad about that. Yeah. Then he wakes up first thing in the morning, he goes to get out of bed, steps on one of his dog's chew toys. Right. Goes right through his foot. He goes down, so it's kind of funny. But it went through his foot.

And then in the distance, he heard his rooster die. Yeah, when they die in mid, good morning. That's a good morning, right? Is that what they're doing? Well, how do they do it? Good morning. Is that what they're doing? Yeah.

It's cockadoodle-do. Yeah, I know, but I'm translating. Let's see. Good morning. That's awesome, by the way. But they actually went, good morning. Yeah, so they're doing that. So he died in the middle of sleep.

That's it. He died. He didn't get good sleep, worried about Tilly, steps on his dog toy, punches his foot, rooster dies. Right. Then what happens at breakfast? He found out his favorite show got canceled. Wow.

Which one is that? What show got canceled? It's this Canadian show. I actually watched it in the hotel room. What's it called? Being Erica. Oh, being Erica. I love that show.

You're kidding. Wait, they canceled that show? Being Erica? I might shoot up a case of Bud Light over that. Yeah. Yeah, being Erica did get canceled, unfortunately. Well, he just started watching it, and so he didn't realize it ends at a certain point. So on top of all these things, now being Erica gets canceled.

Okay, and so I bet his eggs taste. It's so funny. It's like a show that he would not watch, but I love it. What do you mean? I mean, look at it. There's no way a kid rock watches that. First of all, the relationship between Erica and Jack, the guy in the back right there, this like constant willed they won't they?

It's one of the best storylines I've ever seen. It's amazing. And their boss, Derek, who's right to their, their immediate right. Yeah. Derek dies, right? It's a murder mystery. He gets murdered. Yeah.

That's right. They're all smiling in the classroom now, but guess what, dude? When he gets shived, different world. So that ruins breakfast. Eggs taste bad, right? Eggs are gonna taste bad. Maybe one black guy in the show? I don't know.

Well, that's why kid rock loves it. That's why kid rock loves it. Yeah, there was no black guy. Oh, kid rock loves it because it's no minorities. Better not be any blacks on that show. It's a Canadian show. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So that's where Tilly used to live. I told you she was from Canada and then she moved to Wales. So he loved all the Canadian stuff. So then eggs tasted bad. He had a bad breakfast this guy. And then on top of all that stuff, he goes on the internet, right? Oh shit.

Here we go. And he sees this endorsement campaign for this Dylan Mulvaney with Bud Light, and it's not about Dylan Mulvaney and Bud Light. It's not at all, is it? It's not at all. It's about Tilly. It's about being Erica. It's about the eggs tasting bad.

The rooster dies. The toy punctures his foot. The shower, by the way, didn't even say that. Cold water only. No hot water because hot water heater broke in the middle of the night. The same reason the rooster died, right? Everything was going bad. So what does he do?

He grabs his AK-47. He goes out to the field and he, a case of Bud Light, it's not about the Bud Light. By the way, those were his cases. He bought that for the party he was going to have tonight for Tilly's homecoming. But she got, she got, she was in the hospital. I have a question. Yeah. Can you eat a rooster?

You can eat anything. Let's Google it. Can you eat a rooster? I mean, roosters can be eaten, but they're not commonly found in the marketplace. Rooster is much more challenging than hens because it hasn't been bred to grow fast and heavy like broilers or fryers. If you decide that rooster sounds tasty, make sure you cook them low and slow for best results. So people do eat them.

Oh. Okay. That's all. I don't know. I've never had a rooster sandwich. You know the photo to the right? Like in that tube? Yeah.

The one to the right? Yeah. Yeah. Just pinch and zoom together. That one right there? What do you think? What word? What word?

Yeah. What word do you think when you see that photo? I mean, gross. Probably. Oh, not me. What? Missionary. Does that not think missionary?

No. No? I'll get my bet. I gotta tell you, it does not look appetizing. I can say that. There's some erotic, right? Or no? Carlos, be honest.

Is that erotic to you guys? Yeah. The legs, like the dark meat looks like... Yeah. The right... Yeah. It looks like she's getting fucked. Don't leave me alone with these guys on the tour.

Juicy, I got you. You're fine. Wait a minute. That doesn't look erotic to you, Juice. No. You guys are taking inanimate... That's why the celibacy thing is not going to last. You're getting hard-ons from...

It looks like death. Yeah, that looks death to me. Are there any farms we're going to on the tour? That's what me and Carlos are going to do. I feel like we're going to check them out. Right over the chicken. After and comedian Bobby Lee was arrested today for fucking a rooster. There are some farms on the way.

We'll get you something. Yeah. Bobby is going to be like, what are you doing, Carlos? That was my rooster. She said she liked me. Yeah. Bobby! Bobby!

Do you ever think that, like, what would we do if you and I just lived on a farm? Well, I'd be working all day and then you'd be sleeping all fucking day, so it'd be tough. Yeah, but I'd do the night work. There is no night work. There's night work. There's gotta be night work. Yeah, they're... Are there fireflies?

Yeah, what are you going to do? I whisked them away. No. Yeah. Oh, you want the fireflies? No, you want the fireflies? They're good. Are there other ones that you don't like?

Like ticks? No one wants Lyme disease. I know, but you're not going to... I'm destroying them. Okay, you're going to go find ticks. Yeah, like tick destroyer. Okay, this is not going to work. You know what you could do for me?

What? On the farm that we work on? What? You could be... You can't do... You don't have to do it in the morning, you could be a beekeeper. Oh, I love that. You can keep our bees. Can I wear the suit or no?

You have to wear the suit. Oh, I don't want to. Okay. I want to be the first beekeeper to be completely naked. What if you get your dicks done? It's fine. No, it's not. Because they sense fear.

There's no fear. I know why you want it. Why? Because it'll swell it up a little bit. That's fucking rude. That's fucking rude. That's fucking rude. You just want to get a swollen bee sting dick.

Yeah. So you can... Yeah. Oh, you know what's funny? What? That just reminded me. Whenever the girl, Nick, that used to cut our hair in Australia on the movie, she would say like... She's like, we need a little trim that I injure.

And I'd be like, oh, maybe. And she goes, I'll just take a little off just a bee's dick. That's what she used to say. A bee's dick. A bee's dick. Yeah, just a bee's dick on your ear. Wow. And she would just take just a little snip off.

She goes, just a bee's dick, not much. Yeah. I was like, I love that phrase. I mean, in America, if you said that at a corporate setting, they'd be like, you're fired. Oh, right. You can't talk about dicks. Yeah.

As I put more chaps to come. Every time I say dick, I got to put some chaps. There is a lot of work to be done on a farm at night. So... What? Give me one. Harvest, equipment, transportation, maintenance, and pesticide. Okay.

So pesticide application, that one's legit. Yeah. Yeah. And I would do that. Okay, fine. You'll hear the plane. The plane. The plane.

You're flying it, but I'm saying it. Yeah. Yeah. To myself. They do it with the plane, right? Yeah. I would do that at night. Okay.

Yeah. This would actually be a good... But in the morning, there's so much more work to be done. Yeah. There's so much more heavy lifting during the day. Oh, that's true. We would hire people. Yeah.

What do you think we're doing? We're going to buy a farm. Why'd you pick me to lift everything? Well, you got to help me out. He's sleeping. I'm sleeping. You remember Matt Damon bought a zoo? No.

This is Bad Friends Buys a Farm. Oh, my God. Wait, what was it called? We bought a zoo, right? We bought a zoo. We bought a zoo. Yeah. We bought a zoo.

When your local community has a farm for sale, please hit up Bad Friends Pod and let us know because we'd love to buy a farm. I think we should do it. Not only that, this is not a joke. No, no. This is a joke. Oh, it's not? No, it's not.

It is a joke? I want to buy a farm. No, I want an animal sanctuary. Love that. I want to raise animals and stuff. I absolutely love that. Yeah. That's similar to a farm.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah. So, yeah, we do want a farm. Yeah. But he means... But he wants free roaming... ...and animals that are not touched for use of the farm.

Oh, I love that. But like Jurassic Park. But with pigs and cows. We have the ride. Wait, wait. Do we have patrons that are going to come see our farm? Yeah, we have a ride. You're right.

Can we shoot guns on the tour? Yeah, we are going to shoot guns. Yeah. I refuse. No, you are. No, because I'm going to get... What? Are you going to kill yourself?

No, the kickback. Oh, no, no, no. No, you'll put it up to the side. I'll go with brain damage. We'll show you how to do it. And I'm brain damage. I'll be your arms. Yeah.

I've never done it. It does a kickback, right? Yeah. But it's not like that. It's not that extreme. Yeah. I don't want to go pop them. They're birdfalls.

What the fuck? Good shot. That was pretty good. Yeah. What if I stand behind you and I'm your arms? And I fire them. Oh, you do that. Cutest thing on Earth.

Like you guys are in ghosts doing pottery, but with guns. But I can't see because I'm behind you. You know what I watched on the plane was a new show on Netflix, like Wilderness People. It's kind of like the one that we both like, where they put them in Alaska. You know, they have to survive the longest to make money. I love it. Yeah. But this one's wild.

I don't know the name of it, but it's it none. Watch. No, that's not it. I don't know the name of the show. I downloaded it. But the wild thing was it's to win the money. You have to be with a team and the team starts sabotaging each other. So like at the beginning, the old one that's alone alone is the one we used to like.

I love it. Where you win a million dollars if you survive the longest. This one is your with a team of people, five people, and you can only win the money if you're with a team. You can't win solo. So some people drop out, some people try to switch teams, and then other people start sabotaging other teams, like ruining their tents at night, stealing their gear. Whoa.

That's a good one. It's tight. It's tight. But they only learn later in the series that they're allowed to kind of, there are no rules. Like at the beginning, they're all kind of playing by the, you know, the rules that you would assume is like, we don't need to go near the other group. We fish individually. We dah, dah, dah.

But then at some point, somebody breaks the rules, steals from another camp because they're hungry. How far can you go? I can't tell you how it ends. Really? It's pretty dark. I'll go all the way. You're just going to kill everybody?

Except for one guy. You need a guy or a girl with you because you need to win with a team. Does a guy have to be alive? You can split a team. Here they are. Yeah. Yeah. There's something about Bernie.

You know what I mean? Can you do that? By the way, the combination of Weekend at Bernie's and something about Mary might be one of the funniest movies. There's something about Bernie. I thought that sounded nice. He just did that, right? His dead body.

He just says, come in his hair. I did that. I did that. I come on two movies. Wow. But imagine them dragging him to a party with Jizz in his hair. There's something about Bernie. That's true.

What a great movie. It's a great movie. What did you watch on the plane? You guys better load up your iPads to watch stuff on the bus. The streaming is going to be tough. You better download, baby. Oh, fuck. Wait, but is there going to be a DVD player?

Yeah, there's a DVD player. Do you have DVDs? Do you have DVDs? Well, I'm hoping we can play a movie on the bus at all times. Okay. We will. But also, who has DVDs? I'll bring the DVDs.

I've got the Matrix trilogy. I love it. I've got a view from the top with Gwyneth Paltrow. Great. Great. What else? I'm just going to watch my own. Take out some George Carlin DVDs.

Let's watch some stuff with her. I like TV on at night. Do you guys like TV on at night? No. No. No. This is going to be a long story. Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, please. I never thought about this. You know, before I go to bed, I masturbate. Yeah, there's a rule we didn't talk about. Yeah, so before I go to bed every night, I masturbate. Are we sleeping on the bus, right? We are. So what does one do?

You have to go outside. You have to go outside if you want to jerk off. In the woods? Yeah. Well, it doesn't have to be the woods. It can be the fields, but you have to jerk off. You have to bring a jerk blanket. You don't know about this?

No. This is a tour bus staple. You got to bring a little blanket. You lay down on the ground. You burrito yourself on the blanket. You jerk off on it. Okay. On the ground.

Yeah, you got to lay down. Outside the bus? Yeah. Or maybe, you know what? I'll take this opportunity not to do it. Actually, this is nice. If you want to practice real celibacy, then no ejaculation at all. Yeah, I think I'm going to do it.

If you go too long without ejaculating, you know, it starts leaking out of you. Ew. Through the digger. Everywhere. Everywhere. You cry it? You can. You like Jesus?

Yeah. First of all, first of all, you wouldn't even have to tell us that you're jerking off. You would just do it in your bunk without us knowing. Why would just... Because... How loud are you when you jerk off? Well, I've never done a silent. I'm ruckus.

It's a ruckus. What do you mean? Are you... You're audible when you're doing it? Yeah, I make... Yeah, of course. Oh, yeah. Oh, nobody makes noises when they jerk off like that.

He's like, harder. I do. Harder. To himself? Yeah. I go to the left, to the left. I like singing. Well, Beyonce's fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you guys make noises when you jerk off? No. No, that's insane. Everybody is quiet. Didn't you... When you grew up in a house with your brother and your parents, you didn't have to jerk off quietly like a human?

Everyone has to be quiet when they do it. Well, I always do it in the bathroom. Yeah, me too. But they still... In the bathtub, though. You still have to be quiet in there. Yeah. You know?

I'll learn how to do it. I mean, it's in your blood. I'll masturbate like a ninja. I gotta tell you, the most embarrassing thing about learning to jerk off in the bathroom is my dad. Like, what an asshole. We're at dinner, and I had just gone through, you know, really learning about how to do it.

And we're at dinner, and like, it's quiet, and my dad has like, shoveling peas in his mouth. I remember him eating peas. And he like, takes a break, and he's like chewing, and he goes, I've been spending a lot of time in the bathroom. And my mom was like, hey, and I was like, oh my God, they've been talking about it. It gave me the worst panic on earth, dude. And after that moment, I didn't jerk off for like, a day.

No, it fucked me up, dude. It gave me so... I was so embarrassed. I was like... But you did it through memory back then, right? What? Jerking off? Yeah.

Oh, well, back then, you didn't have anything. I mean, computers barely loaded a porno picture. It took like 25 minutes. It's... Yeah, we had a jerk off to the... You know what I did the most, actually, was Victoria's Secrets. Victoria's Secrets was my favorite, dude. I'd steal that immediately.

My mom never got one, if you know what I mean. Never. Right. I'd give her like the holiday one. You know what I mean? Yeah. That I'm like, yeah, I guess they'll only send it out for Christmas. It's so funny how jaded we are now.

How spoiled we are, you mean? Yeah. When it comes to that, like, if you said, I'll give you a million dollars, here's a Victoria Secrets, you might as well just give me the Bible, because I'm not going to be able to do it. Not going to be able to do it. Yeah. Like, could you do it?

Could you masturbate through a Victoria's Secrets? I mean, 20 years ago, yeah. No, now. No, not now. There's no way. I could probably now. I mean, I don't know. I mean...

If I went two months without doing it, maybe I could do it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But not next day after watching porn or whatever. Do you need visuals, Juicy? Sometimes, but also, I have a pretty good imagination. See, women have such better imaginations than men. You have to create a Harry Potter.

Yeah. There's a woman right over there. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, it was. And she was jacking off to that when she read it. She was definitely jacking off to her own stuff. Also, your imagination...

I thought you were going to say, also, the vaccines aren't real. Yeah. Also... Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Trump 2026. No, but I do think that most women in my life that I've ever encountered can do that

without porn. Don't need visuals. Yeah. They don't need it. Because their brains are more powerful when it comes to sexualization. We are weak. We are weak with that stuff. We need to see stuff.

That's why fucking men see things and it's like, you know, like the cartoon where they get the googly eyes and the jaw drops, it's like, because we're visual beasts. We like need the thing to be like, uh, uh, uh. They don't need that. Like, women love to sometimes make love in the dark. I hate the dark. I need a little bit of a bathroom light in there. I have a floodlight on in the room.

Really? Yeah. I don't like it in the dark. Do you like sex in the dark? Um, yeah. I think better than. Yeah. They like the dark because they don't want to see us.

Oh, really? Yeah. I'm sure Brad Pitt. Nobody wants to fuck that guy in the dark. I like, you know. You know what I mean? No one ever fucks a hot guy in the dark. Yeah.

Yeah. We're getting fucked in the dark because that's standard. Yeah. Oh, that's what it is on her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

It's interesting. The problem is they don't want to see us. Yeah. I had a girl friend of mine who every time she get up from the bed, she would cover her ass. What do you mean? She put her hand over her crack? Yeah.

With both hands, she would get up and just with and cover her ass and go to the bathroom. That's very weird. It's weird. What? I never saw it. I never saw it live. You never saw it. Well, do it live.

Do it live. Do you think it's because she didn't want you to like, thumb her or something? Why would I do that? Well, well, maybe somebody did in her past and she was now like, every time she gets up, she's like, well, that's a thing that happens. Yeah. She just hated it. But do you cover your penis?

What? Like, if you're with, back in the day, when you're with a woman, it's, you know, you, you know, wherever you are, it's lit, right? Yeah. I sometimes, after you make love, you know, it shrinks. No. What? It shrinks.

After you make love to a woman, your penis doesn't stay hard. It shrinks. Back to its normal state. I mean, I think post-coitus, I still stay pretty, I don't stay hard, but it stays pretty nice. I mean, I think it's my favorite look. Oh, you think you like it? Yeah, it's like my fall look, you know?

Right. Yeah. When it goes, when it goes down, this is my best. Oh, you do have fall colors. Yeah. Yeah. What season am I? You're 100% fall as well.

This whole show is fall. Oh, it is? Yeah. We're yellow and orange. We're fall. Oh. And we also have a little bit of a... She's spring.

She's definitely spring. Yeah, summer spring. What's Carlos? Winter. Yeah. Winter nights. You can't even skip a beat. Cold winter nights.

Freezing. Yeah. No, I think... No. I gotta be honest with you. What's a guy? Paul Bunyan? He's Paul Bunyan.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think Pete's autumn. Oh, maybe, yeah. Which is the same as fall. The different words for fall, yeah. But honestly, but autumn is different because you're... You're different.

You scare us a little bit. I'm not gonna lie. There's days where Pete comes in and I think he's gonna hurt us. I'm a little bit serious, yeah. See? Yeah. Yeah. And he's such a lovable creature.

Lovable. When you know him, you know him. But today, he went, did you miss me, Andrew? I said, I sure did, bud. Yeah. And he goes, I'm back from Spain. Wow. Yeah.

You know, he was in Spain for like, how long were you there? One week. Was it fun? God, it felt like so long. It was a lot of fun. Would you go with Andreas or no? No, I went with my family. My wife's from Spain.

Oh, wow. I had this incestuous thing where like, he's with a Spanish girl, Andreas is with a Pete type of girl. Love Spain. Spain's the best. See what I mean? And George is with Filipinos. It's like, it's all weird and twisted.

I don't like it. I like real Americans. What? Like true Americans. I'm from here. I just went on a vacation. I know, but I don't like it. Yeah.

Yeah. Foreigners. What the fuck? Yeah, I did. Get it right. Get it right, man. All right. Here's the deal.

Well, I've been to Louisville. Hold on. Because Sarah, my ex-girlfriend Sarah is from Louisville. Louisville, Kentucky. I used to go to her house and, you know, spend the Christmases and stuff there. I love Louisville. That's where the, that's where the, we're going to go see the horsies, by the way. You know that, right?

I've never ridden a horse. Oh, I love horses. I don't think they're going to let you on one, but we're going to go. We're going to be in Louisville this week, and then we're going to be in Atlanta. We have two shows in Atlanta. The second show. First show sold out. First show sold out.

Come get the second show. Second show. I love Atlanta so much. Yeah. One of my favorite cities to go perform in. And then we do. Memphis. Memphis, Tennessee.

By the way, we found out before this, it's drag is illegal in Tennessee, so we're going to be all in drag for almost the whole show. Great. Because I think we'll get fined. Great. Isn't that where Elvis got in trouble? Memphis for, you know, where did Elvis get in trouble for gyrating his hips? He got like a ticket.

Did he get arrested for it or something? Anyway, in Memphis, Tennessee, because Tennessee is against drag, we're going to, we're going to be wearing all drag. Everybody is going to be in drag for the show. Remember when Ozzy Osbourne peed on the Alamo? Love it. Did you know that? Love it.

He was banned from ever going to the Alamo. For biting a bat there, right? What? Bit of a bat. Bit of a bat, yeah. But also, have you been to the Alamo? I have, yeah. It's worth peeing on.

Every time I look at it. Yeah. I want to pee on it. Yeah. They fought Mexicans there. Fuck that. Yeah. We don't like it.

Elvis, don't raid the fucking building then. In Jacksonville, Florida, that's where he got arrested? Yeah. So stupid. All right. So, hey, Memphis, and then we go to Norfolk, Virginia. I bet you almost none of you guys have been to Norfolk. I've been there.

You have? You played? Yeah. Well, we're doing it. And then we're doing North Carolina. Hey, Durham? Durham, home of the Durham Bulls, great ball club. And then Charlotte after that in North Carolina, because after that in May, baby, in May, we're

going to Texas. We're doing our big old Texas run. We've got two shows in San Antonio, Houston, and we're going to see his family. I want to say something just for so that we can get along. And I think we should, if there's resentments that build up or anything that we want to say, we should just say it at the time, because I don't want to hold in anything. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Are you going to tell us something now? No. I don't know what's going to come up. Okay. Right. But there's like certain things like, you know, Carlos, don't do that. You know what I mean? I just want to be mindful about people's emotions, because we're going on the road.

I've never spent that much time with you. No. No. Have you ever spent that much time with me? No. Well, I mean, we've gone on trips together. Yeah, but that's different than this. Yeah, this is like...

Well, so I think we should have us... We should have... This will be really fun. You know what I think we should do? Let's do a bad friend's box, put a box on the table, and it's anonymous, and you can drop cards in there anonymously about what's bothering you that's happening on the bus. Okay, yeah. Let's do it.

We'll read it off. We'll read it off at the end of the week. End of the week. Yeah. Or after... But let's be real about it. Let's not fuck around. Let's just say it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to say it. Let's be honest and say it. Can I put my initials? Well, then it's not anonymous, buddy. I'm not saying with the full name. Yeah, but maybe I'll put his initials. Oh.

See, that's what I'm saying. That's going to be my complaint. You always put my fucking initials. How will you know? Yeah, yeah. You won't know. Yeah, I won't know. Yeah.

This is good. Bad friend's box on the bus. And pod.com, come see us so much, we're touring around all over the place. We're in the middle of the tour right now. Love you guys. I love you guys. Thank you for being... Being a bad friend.

Being a bad friend. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo.

Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo.

Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo.