Bad Friends - Bobby Is a Lazy Beaver

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

Tour Tickets: https://badfriendspod.com Thank you to our Sponsors: Doordash, ButcherBox and Vroom • Get up to 50% off up to $10 at https://www.doordash.com code: FRIEND23 • GET 2 pounds of ground beef on every box for a year and $20 of your first box at https://www.butcherbox.com/BADFRIENDS code: BADFRIENDS • Go to https://vroom.com and check thousands of great cars YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube 0:00 We Got a New Carlos 6:06 Andrew Doesn't Want to Live on the Moon 13:44 Bobby and Andrew's Best Jokes 24:27 Lance Armstrong Yellow Bracelets  35:17 If Bobby and Andrew Were Beavers 40:25 Doing Meth on the Math Book 45:12 Hot Moon and Ugly Mars 50:33 Bobby's Biggest Movie Role 54:25 Snowboarding Woman Gets Chased by a Bear 1:01:11 Manta Rays or Stringrays? More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Fancy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, bad friends, fans! We're on tour, baby. On tour, baby, and this is our last leg. Whatever our last leg. These are one of our last legs for this chunk, and we're going to... Jacksonville, Florida. We're doing a Florida run, guys.

Then we're doing St. Petersburg. Hollywood, Florida. And then Orlando, Florida. So Jacksonville, St. Petersburg, Hollywood, and Orlando come out and see us after that. We come back to the West Coast, baby. And we're gonna go to my hometown, San Diego. Yeah, we do Riverside and San Diego.

Two shows in Riverside and then San Diego, and then we go back up to the Northeast. But for now, Florida, Riverside, San Diego, come out and see us in Jacksonville, in Orlando, in Hollywood, and St. Petersburg. You're gonna love it. You're gonna learn so much about your life. Go to badfriendspod.com.

Badfriendspod.com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo! Why do you think I'm an Asian dude? You two are disgusting. Woo! Well, you two are something.

We're bad friends. Well... What? We got ourselves a brand new Asian. Well, am I being replaced? Because this is fucking... First of all, she accused me of saying a jungle Asian. I've never said that, have I?

No. Roll the tape. Yeah. And also, I love all people. I know there's some. Some. There's some Asians. I don't even know what island they're from.

Those are all the weird ones. So many of you guys. There's so many more than I've ever saw. There's different varieties. I love it. Look at who's got his gooner jersey on, my boy. You know what? I'm so sorry.

I love you. I love your soups. I love your movies. What was it, Full Metal Jacket? Really good movie. Classic. It was really good. Who directed it?

Kube. Kube. The Kube... You know, have you seen it? Oh, yeah. Kubezy Boobzy, baby. Really, you've seen it? I've seen it.

What is it about? The army. Yeah. And walls. And a really tough jacket. Well, it is full metal. It is a full metal. It's tough.

She's not wrong. It's an adamantian steel, like Wolverine wears. But it's pretty close. Yeah. Pretty good. So we got ourselves a brand new Asian. You have to announce yourself because you're going to be on camera. Yeah, she's on camera.

She's my new Carlos. She's my new Carlos. Much better looking. Will you introduce me to Carlos? Hey. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Yeah. Man, they're all the same, you guys, huh? I'm like that. Quiet and polite. No, you're not. You're the exception of the rule. I think I got dropped in my head. 99.9% of Asians are.

Hi, quiet, sweet, polite, just like lovable, wonderful people. And then there's you. Yeah, my dad goes, pick me up as a baby and goes, this won't broke. Put it back in it. Cook more. No, no, no. Your dad tried to shove you back in your mom.

Yeah, there was something wrong with me since day one. Well, she's from where your mother lives. She's a she is a Phoenician, as it were. We got a new Arizona Phoenician in our midst. So we got two AZ scumbags in the house. Because I saw you at my house the other day, right? Yes. And you were with who are you?

Oh, you're coming up. I thought she was with David. So and Tim, I don't know. What's his last name? Chantaransu. Chantaransu. Yeah, and I was calling Tim Cucamonga. I don't know what because I just don't know what

to say his last name. But sounds right. Yeah, yeah, but and I thought, oh, David and Tim brought, you know, their daughter. I don't know what it was, you know what I mean? But then she works for us. She works for us now. Amazing.

And I saw she has a tattoo right in the middle of her chest. It's undeniable. You have to see it. It's like she's pulling focus. What does the tattoo say? It says it says 666. And I was like, what does that mean to you? Do you know what 666 is?

Well, when she looks at it, it's 999. That's right. So that's what she said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 666 is the mark of Satan. The mark of the beast. Of the beast. Beelzebub.

Beelzebub. And then I don't know if you guys know that, but they just approved Satanism to be taught in schools. I don't hear a tattoo. I was just too, too, too. Yeah. Is that what it says? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, shit. Too, too, too. That's her name. Is that the area code? What is it? That's her name. That was her mother's pet name. Too, too, too.

Come here, too. Too, too, too. That's what it sounds like when I'm making love. Too, too, too. Just the actual song. Anyway. No, too, too, too, because it's what? Explain it in the mic.

Say what it is. It means alignment and that if you're on a path that you feel like you're kind of rocky, it's like, no, you're on the right path. You're aligned. This is a tattoo that only someone from Arizona would have. Because boy, oh, boy, is it treacherous out there. It's pretty treacherous.

Well, so there's a lot of people like you out there, huh? A lot of hippies? Yeah, a lot of hippie-dippies. It's a hippie vibe, right? Do you like the Grateful Dead? No. I do. I think they're terrible.

Really? Dude, I don't want to hear a jam in G major for 45 minutes. They jam for like 45 fucking minutes, man. I love them. It's fun. Big fan. You like them? What was the lead singer's name?

Ted. Close, I heard the first part. Yeah, almost. Ted. Ted. Yeah. Ted? No, yeah.

Gem. Gems. Gems. That's his name, Gems. Yeah. How'd you know? Ted Gems. Ted Gems.

Ted Gems was the lead singer. His name was Jerry Garcia. Oh, right, right, right. There's an ice cream named after him. I thought you meant the guitar. How many fingers did he have? At least eight. True.

He had nine. He had nine and a half. Nine and a half, yeah, yeah. He had a little stubby bubby. My girlfriend in high school, her brother, was like a huge deadhead. Yeah. Or just a fan of Jerry Garcia.

And there was like an iconic poster that has his hand prints on it. And one finger is obviously missing. Whoa. And every time I went in there, I thought, he's going to do that to me. Because he finds out that I'm fucking his sister. He's going to fucking go by together.

Was he the Yakuza? He was. Oh, he was? Yeah, he was yucked up. Yo, he was yucked up. He was yucked up, now? Yeah, when Yakuza are yucked up, they're yucked up, now. Can I play you guys a song that struck me this week?

Go ahead. And we're going to be free and clear on this song. Can you acapella it? No, no, no, but I want you to hear some of it. I think we won't get clipped for this because it's public right, because it's PBS. OK. I don't want to live on the moon.

Type that in. My buddy Chris O'Connor, shout out O'Connor's, send it to me. I've been listening to it all week. I don't want to live on the moon. People I love, so although I may go, I'll be coming home soon. Because I don't want to live on the moon, no, I don't want to live on the moon. Are you OK, man? I relate to Ernie so much.

This is what you sing when you're in Australia, missing your wife and your dog. No, you know what it is? Honestly, it's a metaphor for it. That's written for adults. Maybe a song for kids, but that's definitely for adults. I literally thought it was good. The last line was going to be something crazy. I know you did. Yeah, yeah.

But I wanted to start it with a way from the heart. I wanted the show to start from a very sweet, simple place. And let me tell you something. That song is so deep and so perfect, so simple. I think it was going to say, you know, I don't want to live on the moon. I'm a. You know what I mean? Like some I think that was implied.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's gay. Oh, yeah. Well, first of all, are they not allowed on the moon? No, but I just thought that the end there was going to be a payoff at the end. I know you did. Two minutes. I know you did. I wanted you to take that in and really absorb that song. Well, the end is him getting back in the bed with Bert.

And no, I observed. They don't have a double that they have twin brats. Yeah, they push them together. Oh, they do at the end. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's the unedited version. Oh, really? The explicit version he pushes about together and they start 69ing. And you're like, this is made for adults. Yep. Oh, I see.

I don't want to live on the moon. How beautiful. It's stunning. You know what, dude? If I think about it, it's so stunning and beautiful. Just think about it, dude. OK. You ever looked at the moon? I want to go out there and then you think, what am I going to do when I get out there?

I got to be back here by everybody I love. Yeah, I mean, if I was on the moon, I'd die. You would die. You would die, too. No way. I'd be prepped. You wouldn't bring shit. I wouldn't even bring the thing. Carlos would call you the car to the moon. You get the car to the moon.

Hey, man, you have a seven-a.m. pickup. You'd make it. I'd show up. Nothing. You'd pack nothing. Right, dude, shoot me up. Everyone has their helmets on in the suit. You'd have nothing. You have an arsenal jersey and a vape. Yeah, and a vape.

Can I vape in space? That'd be their first question. And I walk out and I just implode. Yeah, you would implode. You turn to that dust packet from ramen noodles. No, I find the moon can't switch. Can't switch on the moon, dog. I think you can. Can you switch on the moon?

I'll tell you why. Why? Because Wi-Fi is from satellites. Boom, there's Wi-Fi. Nice try, Jess. Yeah, nice try. And the satellites, guess where they are? Space. Not in the sea. Are they in the sea?

They are. They absolutely are. They're in the sea. Yeah, I'm learning a lot about space. Dude, what is wrong with you today, dude? I don't know, man. You're... Do you know what? Let me say something to you. That hit me in a weird way.

You're a jolly right now. That hit me in a... You know what it really is? It made me... I missed home. We got home and I thought, that's what that song is about. That song is about being back with the people that you love. And the tour bus is the moon. The tour bus is the moon.

I don't want to live on the fucking moon. But we can visit it. We can visit the moon. We can visit the moon. And then I learned about space. I learned divine, divine, heavenly... Wait, divine geometry? There is 108... 108 moons in between the moon and the earth.

And there's 108 suns in between. The sun and the earth. You tell me that's not fucking crazy? Sacred geometry? Look up 108 moons. Maybe that's... Literally, what the fuck is wrong with your head? Smoked a big one today.

Did you feel it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you high right now? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can tell a little bit. Yeah, I got it. I don't like it.

108. Look at that. Jesus Christ. Divine geometry. Look at this. There's 108 suns between the sun and the earth. There's 108 moons between the moon and the earth. You telling me that's not... Wait, wait.

Between the moon and the earth, there's 108 moons between the sun and the earth. There's 108 suns. Aren't they asteroids? They're not fucking... They're not moons. I think he means like distance-less. Distance-less.

They're not really the moons. I mean, she's got it there. 108 moons if you put them together. Yeah. I think he meant that there's 108 moons in between. Not literally. The two fucking things. I was like, I've never seen that I'm fucking...

That's how much I like her. The movie Dean Pimp. When you finally got it, she clapped a little bit. She went like this, oh, you got it. I like her. I like her a lot. You know that's my daughter, right? Yeah, you wish.

Oh, you think by the daughter, she wouldn't look like that? No fucking way. She would look like Ali Wong. Yeah. No. Who would it look like? Wait, I said yeah too fast.

If I had a daughter, who would it look like? You with tits. He has tits. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Before you get your hair cut. You now look like your son. All the tour you've looked like your daughter.

Dude, my daughter would be haughty. No chance. Fuck yeah, I did. No chance. First of all, I would have her underwear would be made out of fucking cage. Yeah, because she'd be showing her butt hole to everybody.

Yeah. Yeah, the butt hole queen. Her butt hole would be loose, but vagina, no one's been there. Oh right, she's Catholic? Yeah. You let him in the back. Yeah, the back.

Get in the back door. That would not be your daughter. I'm sorry, dude. First of all, she. What would my daughter look like then? Not good. That's offensive. Because if I fucking had a baby with like,

Glenn Close. Doesn't matter. Right? It would look like, you know what? It would look like an explorer. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, with Glenn Close. An explorer?

Yeah, like, you know, he travels the seas or she. They. They. You let your daughter choose their gender, bud. Don't get too far ahead of yourself. Yeah. It's not even alive yet.

You have a good looking kid. I take it back. You're a hot guy. I am stoned. I know. I know you are. But if you look at my photo when I was 20, I looked okay.

You look really cute. I did this to myself. Yes, you did. Dude, what's wrong with you right now? Nothing. I like it. Sing the song for me. Oh, I'd like to live on the moon.

No, I don't want to live on the moon. I want to live on the moon. Yeah, you do. See, this is the problem. That's why Ernie wrote that song, because it's for people like you that think they can live on the moon all the time. This was the lesson I'm trying to impart on you.

Can't live on the moon all the time, man. I think you're saying that we should be grateful for where we are. That's right. That's what the song is really about. I just wanted to bless the room with something peaceful and wonderful to start. Yeah.

It's really beautiful, dude. I really think it is. Yeah. There was this comic named Peter Chen. Yeah. You know Peter Chen? I don't. First of all, when I came to LA,

he was like a 50-year-old Asian guy. He did his own documentary about his life. Peter Chen. So he was 50 years old. He goes, I'm the Asian around here, right? I don't know what you're doing up here. Go back to San Diego. I remember you telling me this.

Right? And I go, all right, dude. Relax, right? He was right, though. But he had the best. He would write his own comebacks. OK. I don't want to do hacky ones.

I'm not going to do the one like, you don't bother me when I'm walking, right? I don't go to your work and slap the dick on your mouth. Yeah, those are great. Those are hacky, you know what I mean? No, they're great. So he did this. If someone would hack a Lego.

You hack a woman, I stick you on the rocket ship, shoot you to the moon. That was his fucking comebacks. That's pretty good. And everyone in the back would be like, ah, you know what I mean? Because honestly, what the fuck? But they're clean. But the assumption is he's Asian, must know math,

must be engineer, must be able to get somebody to the moon. I see it clear as day. Dude, I don't like the state you're in right now. That's a deep joke. It's pretty deep. Can I tell you a street joke? Yeah, I have some. I got a street joke for you.

Is it clean? Yeah, kind of. Kind of clean. Jewish guy and a Chinese guy are in a bar. I've heard this one before. You told me this. Yeah, you told all of us. You told all of us the other day.

At dinner. I'm not going to laugh. You're going to laugh. No, no. Or I'd say differently, then. All right, this Jew and his Chinaman are in a bar. Yeah. OK.

And that Jew stands up, punches the Chinaman in the face. I hate this joke. And he said, that's for Pearl Harbor. And the Chinaman says, that was the Japanese. He goes, Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me. Moments later, Chinese guy gets up, cracks the Jew right in the mouth. Jew says, what was that for?

He says, the Titanic. And he says, that was an iceberg. And he says, iceberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me. You like it? The first time you told it, it was way longer. Yeah, I sped it up. Yeah. I sped it up.

Sorry, man. The cleanest joke I. Sorry, man. You know the Grasshopper walk in a bar? I like that joke. Huh? You know that joke? No.

You know this joke? I don't know. Grasshopper walks in a bar. Partners goes, hey, we have a drink name after you. Grasshopper says, you have a drink named Steve? That's good. That's good. It's a good one, dude.

Street jokes. I love. Don't you love street jokes? I do. They're so fun. Yeah, yeah. They're so simple and so easy. There's nothing to them.

They're fine. They don't mean anything. A gay couple are living together. Here we go. Right. And this is not that funny. In sin, by the way. Go ahead.

So they're living together. They're in love and they love it, right? And one guy, you know, he's a stay at home husband. And the other guy works, you know what I mean? And one morning, the businessman that's in the relationship gets up to go to work. And he sees his partner jerking off into a condom. Into a condom.

Yeah, into a condom. He goes, what are you doing, man? He goes, I'm just packing your lunch. That's a great joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, let me see. You got one? Yeah.

My dad wanted at dinner. Oh, give me the one your dad told. I didn't know if I heard. Yeah, he was so excited to tell this to everybody. Yeah, it's a good joke. It is this older couple. They both go to the doctor because they're having memory problems.

The doctor says, oh, that's fine. Just write everything down. So the next day they're getting, he goes, do you want some ice cream? She goes, yeah, I want chocolate and vanilla. But write that down. He goes, I'll remember it. And she goes, OK, but I want sprinkles too.

And write that down. He goes, I don't know. I'll remember it. She goes, and I want a cherry on top. Are you writing this down? He goes, no, don't worry. I'll remember it. So he comes back like 30 minutes later

with a plate of bacon and eggs. And she goes, what the hell are you doing? I asked for toast with that. That's very good. I've heard it before. I like that. Yeah, it's a good joke. Could I tell you the longest joke I've ever heard?

We got nothing but time. It's a long joke. How much of this is going to be cut? I'm loving it all. OK, good. All right, so this is the longest joke. I know. It's pretty long.

OK. This takes the whole hour? I hope you can follow along. I'm here. All right, so there was a great magician named Fernando the Magnificent, right? Sold out residency in Vegas, sell out, sell out, sell out. For years, 20 years, sell out every night.

One of the best magicians. And he goes, you know what? I'm going to retire. I'm going to do my final show, right? So he goes, I need to come up with a fucking magic trick, right, that's going to blow everyone's minds away. And so he's sitting there, sitting there, writing it, working on it, and he fucking figures it out, OK?

So final show now. Fernando the Magnificent, OK? And he goes, toward the end of the show, he goes, for my last act, I need to volunteer. I need the strongest man in the room to help me with this next trick. And no one raises his hand. Come on, the strongest guy.

Please. And all of a sudden, one hand in the audience. Six foot eight, redneck. You know what I mean? Thick, muscular, you know? Because he means I'll try, right? Come on, what's your name? My name is Bubba.

All right, so Bubba, see that metal bat? See that metal bat on the stage? Bubba goes, uh-huh. And we just swing that bat and hit me in the face. It hurts you. Right? And Bubba goes, amen, I want to let you know I'm really strong. I'll fucking kill you, dude.

So I'm not going to do that. And he goes, hey, man, come on, it's a magic trick. I got it, right? Just swing it into my face, dude. It's a magic trick. I'm not going to get hurt. All right, man. All right, here we go.

He swings back, hits Fernando in the face. Fernando's head splits open. Split splits up his skull, all right? His eyes roll back. He goes into convulsions. He hits his back. He goes into a coma. All right, cut to now the hospital.

Cut to the hospital. I know where this is going. I don't, I don't. Dude, you know, all right, do you guys know? Right. Cut to Fernando. So Bubba quits his job. He lives in Alabama.

He quit his job because he feels so bad that he almost killed Fernando the Magnificent. So he's at his bedside every day, right? A couple of months later, right? Doctor comes in, hey, I'm sorry, Bubba, but we're going to have to take him off life of support because there's just no sign of activity. And Bubba goes, look, it is pinky.

And you see Fernando's pinky moving like this. And the doctor goes, OK, that's a sign. I'll come back a month later. I'm sorry, one pinky is not going to do it. Look, both pinkies. Every month he comes in, this doctor, every finger, a new finger is moving. So the year goes by, whatever, right?

Well, 10 months go by. All the fingers are moving, right? And the doctor comes in and goes, listen, I know the fingers are moving, but we just got to take him off life of support. He goes, his eyes are opening. So Fernando's eyes starts opening. He looks at the doctor, looks at Bubba, and then he goes, ta-da.

I knew it, I knew it. I feel like you've told that joke on the show. Have I told that joke before? I think so. Yeah. Then why'd you make me fucking tell him to get a piece of shit? Worth it, worth it. Why'd you make me tell him to get you a piece of shit?

The energy today feels like it's at the right time. Oh, it's like the best of? Yeah, the best of. Let's do the best of. DoorDash. You know what, Andrew? I love getting delivery. Yeah, you do.

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I get tingly all inside because it's free shipping always. It's curated and customized box plans to what you like. And I gotta tell you, my favorite butcher box is when I get a big ode, hunk, a meat because I'm a big steak guy. I love cooking steaks. I love putting them in my little cast iron skillet and finishing them in the oven.

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when you sign up at butcherbox.com slash BADFRIENDS and use code BADFRIENDS. What is wrong with it? You're smiling. I like it. Yeah, yeah. When did you get high? About 20 minutes ago.

Why? I was coming here. I know. But you never have done that. You've not out of... I'm not high, I'm not high. Oh, you're not? No.

Oh, look. Oh my God. I think he's lying, though. I think you're lying. I swear. Yeah. What's wrong with you? There's a Namaste about you.

Yeah, dude, I'm trying to zen. You're like peaceful. I'm trying to fucking zen. Oh, you're zenned out right now. I'm trying to zen. You didn't want to do the show and he said, well, I'll do some edibles before coming. Yeah.

He told me he didn't want to do the show today. No, he said that I didn't. I'm just so tired. Same. Yeah, and then I haven't packed. Same. I'm doing laundry. Same.

Okay. Yeah. And I just asked. Still showed up with the show. And I'm here, too, as well. Did a pod before this. I'm here. I did two yesterday.

I know you did. You called me with Megan Trainor. Yeah, yeah, she's the best. Oh, wow. What? That's cool. Yeah, she's... It's okay.

It's fine. She literally is the... I love her old family. They're the best. Actually, her old family is wonderful. We had dinner with them. She had dinner with my parents. She told me in Australia.

Australia. Is that your brand, Juice? Yes. That's the movie. Juice. So let's shake it up. Ready? Hold on, let me just start.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna walk and do it. Can you show your butthole? $10,000. You look like a race car driver. Yeah. Like in the best way possible. You look like you race Mario cars.

After retirement. Yeah. That's a good joke. You fucking piece of shit. Let's go. Let's start new. Sorry. Let's start fresh.

I'm doing the episode of Bad Friends. My name is Bobby. And you know what, dude? I've been thinking about the moon. What have you been thinking about the moon? I don't want to live there. Me neither. That would be terrible.

Yeah. Too far. But I would visit it like Armstrong did. Lance? Or Louis. Did Lance go all the way up there? The one with the nut cancer. That's Lance.

Did you buy one of those yellow bands back in the day? No. I bought a whole bunch. What was the yellow mean? Remember he had like the Livestrong bracelets? I bought a fuckload of them. Is it because of the steroids or the cancer? Both.

One led to the other, I guess. No, but they were $2 and then $1 went to cancer research and the other one went to the production of them. You can still buy Livestrong bracelets. Oh, that's amazing. Why don't we have Bad Friends bracelets? And they should also go to the testicular research. Yeah, but what should the donation be?

So a dollar goes to the production and a dollar goes to what? Our charity of choice. We should do that. Yeah, the charity is... Well, somebody used to fund my video game play. Cannot be you. It has to be a third party, can't be you.

Something you care about around the world that we should go with. What do I really care about, honestly? Stilts for dwarves. Stilts, we're a big stilt family. Because I think that they can be taller. They can be. Or that operation, can I just say something?

You know the operation where they sever the bones? In China, they do it. They sever the bones when Chinese people are short. And then they can't walk for a year, but then the bone grows in and they become taller. Yeah, with a callus on it or something. They insert some bone in there. Can we do that?

Lim-lengthening surgery. Can we do that? We can. We can do. Would you get your limbs lengthened? What? Would you get your limbs lengthened? No, because I don't want just my legs, I'll look weird.

So funny if you had super long legs. If I, me? Yeah, you look like a lollipop. If you had really long legs. Well, I would do stuff to my upper body so they would match. Like what? Sit-ups. Dad, no.

Oh yeah, I would look like a lollipop. Yeah, you'd be a lollipop. Or like those cake pops at Starbucks. Yes. It's colorful. Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting.

What would you get done? If you could get a cosmetic surgery, what would you get done? I probably would. If I could do, if I could like have like a body thing, it probably genuinely would be I'd get a butt injection. I'd get bigger butt. Whoa. I want a big trunk, dude.

I think you're right about the area, but can I say something? What? Tighten up my butthole, you think? No. That pipe's been leaking. I saw your butthole on the tour bus. Yeah. Can I share that?

What'd you see inside of there? Not inside, it's, you need rectal darkening. I need, I know, I need some coloring. It's way too pink. Can you tattoo the inside of your toe? You should be able to do it, because it's like, it was so pink. It looked like a octopus pussy. Is that octopus pussy?

Did you see anything hanging out in there? No, it was, because I've had a very clean. Well, I've had a temporary resident in there sometimes. Like a mouse? A hemorrhoid. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I've had a tenant. I'm like, what are you, Richard Geer?

I've had a tenant that's not paying rent, I gotta tell you. And he comes and goes as he pleases. He's squatting. Can you see it from the outside? I have a hemorrhoid that's squatting right now. Like if you showed me your butthole, would I be able to see that it's a little eye stick out? Yeah.

Does that hurt? Sometimes, yeah, it does. Sometimes it hurts, but I, you know, I got it probably from, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, you, this. Bobby, how? Well, you know what would be cool about hemorrhoids?

Stress, that's what they're from, stress. Oh, I got it. Have you seen the seashells with the little slugs in it with their beautiful eyes? And they look so cute, right? Why can't hemorrhoids have that? That's true. Sticking out your butt, little eyes sticking out,

then it'd be so cute. Yeah, yeah, point, point, and looking around. Yeah. That'd be really cool. You'd be less stressed. Yeah, I gotta be less stressed, I know. No, you'd be less stressed if it was cute like that. Yeah, like.

No, that'd be more stressed because everybody would want to see it. Dude, if that was your hemorrhoid, look at the little eyes. That's so cute. So cute. And then we can go, hey, Charlie. Hey, guys. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that'd be great. Can I do five minutes to open the show? Yeah. Charlie, you bombed last week. We're not gonna let you do it twice. Come on, I got some good ones. My dad had a skin tag in his tank. He had a hanger, huh?

Wait, how did you see your dad's tank, bud? This is a story, I guess we gotta hear. Here we go. When I was a kid, he took me to a Korean spa. And you know, Korean, if you go to a Korean spa, they stretch. They get naked and stretch. Yeah, they do.

And they make one noise. Ooh. No, close. I go, I go, I go. I go. I go, I go, I go. In a row. So they stretch.

And one day, I was just sitting there on like a bench. And my dad was going, I go, I go. And he bent over and there was a skin tag. And in my head, this is how fucking crazy it was. I heard the skin tag talk. And you know what he said? Help. Help.

He's trapped. Right. And then I would have like this inner like dialogue with the skin tag. Like, why don't you go up in the neck where all the other skin tags are? What? You grew in the wrong place.

No, he got lost. I know he got lost. He got separated. There's no way to transfer that over to the neck. You can't. Yeah. Imagine ruining, I mean removing a skin tag and then placing it somewhere else on your body.

From your taint to your neck. I just want it here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly, I've never seen my dad's taint. I can't believe you got to see that. Have you seen your dad's jungles? Penis, yeah. Every boy sees their dad's penis at a certain age.

There we go. Yeah, you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad got out of the shower. I was like seven. And he goes, and I was like, oh, sorry, and I walked in. He goes, get over here. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

And I came back in and he goes, you like wind? I go, wind? Yeah. He goes, you like mills? I go, mills? Yeah. He goes, what about windmills? And he windmills, and he just windmilled it.

And honestly, it was so big, I heard. That's hilarious. It was nuts. You know what my dad used to do? What? He, I don't know why, but he heard about the pink pull my finger, but he didn't know that there was a fart. So he goes, pull my finger.

I pull it, nothing would happen. What did he think that was? I don't know. It was good, right? I go, dude, there's supposed to be a fart at the end of that, dad. By the way, you want to know what fine we're actually going to catch on the road?

The amount of times Bobby's farted into the mic, I guarantee you we're getting fucked for some of the likes. I've had so many good ones out. They've been awesome. They've been pretty impressive. Yeah, there was one like machine gun of Vietnam. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what it is too? What? Because your butt is angular. Thank you, thank you. It is, and it has the perfect slappy-pappy sound. Exactly. It does. It's got like little bat wings.

That's what I've been doing though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a very good butt hole. That is your butt. That is 100%. Oh my god. That's it, that's my butt. You have Hank Hill's butt.

I have Hank Hill's butt too. It's amazing. Damn it, Bobby. I got that surgically done. You did? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so. Have you seen that guy that's gotten all his surgery?

He's gotten muscles, fake muscles put in his whole body. Oh, I love to see that guy. He's like Russian or something. So look, 100% of all of his body has been surgically done. Look at this, look at this, look at this. That's one of the cases. That's not the main guy. But this is them injecting fake muscles into them.

They're not strong. These guys can't lift anything. But it's all like different chemicals and waters and solutions and saline and shit. They look like Popeye. This guy got fake, those are fake abs. They're injected. Are they drawn in?

No dude, that's put into his body. That's like a physical piece. Look at his face. Well, that's not an ab. His face isn't an ab. Oh, that's an abscess. That's different. It looks manufactured.

And let me ask you something. Being the only girl, you're a girl too. You're like more of a kid though. Hold on though. Oh my god. What a moment that just happened. I'm a girl. I never saw my dad's penis.

No, we say guys get to see their dad's penis. Girls, you see your mom. The reason why I said that, I'm so sorry to apologize. Did that hurt your feelings? No, yeah. So it did, right? But can I tell you why I said that? Because I don't view you as a man or a woman.

I view you as a comedian. Up here. Oh, that's bullshit. No, you know what's so funny? Couldn't agree with you more. Couldn't agree with you more. Yeah, I don't treat you like I would any other comedian that opens for us.

That's right. And that's my slave. That's beautiful. I don't see you as a man either. OK, I could take that. You know what? I'll take that. What do you view of me as?

Comedian. OK, thank you. And that's good. What do you view me as? Also a comedian. OK, good. I was waiting for that. Let me ask you, let me ask the two ladies in the room.

Is that sexy to you? No, no. Fake muscle guy, no chance. But why do they do it then? It's for self. They feel like that's going to help their image. Anyway. Sad.

Sad. I like my body. I like your body. Yeah, it's blobby. It's not blobby. Yeah, what do you think? Blobby? Blobby.

It's blobby. It's blobby. Yeah, yeah. You're blobby. You remind me of a stress ball, because you know how like dependent on the day. Let me think about it. Yeah.

No. To me. It hurt. Why? Stress ball. First of all, everybody wants to touch it. Because they're squeezable. Everybody wants to touch them.

OK, they feel relaxed. Tell me when I've said something that's not correct about you being a stress ball, metaphor stress ball. Everybody wants to touch it. Right? OK, let me say true. Can I finish? Let me just say true or false after everyone.

Fine. So say it again. Everybody wants to touch it. Bing. True. It's soft and sweet. Bing. True.

It's disposable. You can throw it away whenever you're done with it. Bong balls. No, you know what I mean? I was really waiting on the false sound. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are a stress ball. Yeah.

You know what you are? Driftwood. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Deadwood. Yeah. Just floating along the fucking river. Mishaping.

I can't wait till a beaver uses me. True. Dry. True. Yeah. Unfuckable. True. You've never seen a good piece of driftwood.

You wanted to stick your dick in. I fuck everyone. Are you kidding? I fuck everyone. You ever seen a beaver's dam? I want to fuck the shit out of those things. Show me a good old beaver dam. I'll show you a boner right here in the studio.

When you just said that, it's interesting because if I had my personality in a beaver, I wouldn't have a dam. Yeah. Because you have to work really hard to make one. Look at those two beavers. If that's you and I, right? That's you and I.

Right. First of all, you're the front. You're sleeping. Oh, because that's a temporary log you're sleeping on. I don't know if you know that, but yeah. So I'm sleeping, and then you're going, come on, dude. We got to make the fucking boat. Post about the dam.

Post about the dam. There's no one's going to know it's here. We're going to the Phoenix fucking dam in two weeks. Post about it. Right. No, honestly, you would be the worst beaver. You'd die. No, do you need a dam to live as a beaver?

Why do they build them? I think Flex. You think it's a big Flex? Yeah, it's like, check out my dam. You know what I mean? But I don't need it. Why do they build? Google that.

I have no idea why. I don't know why. Because it's not that secure, is it? Maybe they like still water. Yeah, I like that. Maybe they like flow. Let's try to guess. Why do beavers build a dam?

I think, you know what I think it is? Breeding. I think it's for breeding. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, it's got to be. Why do beavers build dams? Beavers build dams across streams to create a pond where they can build a beaver lodge to live in.

These ponds provide protection from predators like wolves, coyotes, or mountain lions. So it's got to be for breeding, too. No, but check this out. Check it out. I have good people skills. The wolves, they love me. No, they do, dude.

You're going to be the one beaver. I'm a wolf. Ready? Oh, yeah, yeah. E. Char. Oh, not char. Hold on. You're dead already.

You're dead within seconds. Let's try again. OK. You won't get another life in real life. I know. All right, ready? E. Rivera. Remember I gave you the mushroom last week and the nut?

Yeah. I'm just going to go my way. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? Where are you from? Korea. I'm a Korean beaver. You're a creaver.

A creaver. On you go. Oh, thank you. I'd let you go. There we go. I'd be friends with all the predators. I guess that's true. Yeah.

Yeah, but then you'd attract them back to the den. I wouldn't give a fuss about it. What she's saying is they would be like, I want to hang out and go see that guy. But then they would let one guy in the circle would be like, I know we like hanging out with them, but we should fucking eat them, right? But then I would have a side deal with that guy

and then you can eat all my friends. Oh, yeah. It's a fucking side deal. Which beavers in the room are you throwing onto the bus first? Oh, fuck. Probably you. Yeah, you're gone. Yeah, you're gone.

You're fucking gone, dude. The Asian one, you're gone. Yeah. And then you're last. I'm not getting it. I'm gone by that time because you've tipped me off. I'm running away. Guys, I'm going to get more wood.

Wink, wink, I'm fucking gone. What I would have done is written a letter on a piece of bark, right? Run. Yeah, dear Andrew, run. So I'd hand it to you. Oh, no, these are my fucking walls, friends. Yeah, yeah.

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And they gave me a price right away. Didn't have to haggle or hassle or none of that stuff. Told us what it was. Swapped it out. Very easy. And you don't even have to buy a car from them if you want to sell your car. Just go ahead and do just that.

You can buy a car from Vroom entirely online. So next time you need to buy a car, just grab your phone. Go to vroom.com and check out thousands of cars. That's right. Grab your phone. Go to vroom.com and check out thousands of cars today. That reminds me of when we used to sneak out of high school for lunch, like before when we were sophomores

or whatever. And we'd sneak out of campus and you couldn't do that. And we'd sneak back in. But we would pay off or give or get weed or something because it wasn't always money. These like hall monitor type guys, we would just give them whatever they wanted to sneak us inside doors.

And they would have that whole like hand us stuff. Like we can't go down certain hallways. Oh, you had connection. Like you can't go down sophomore hall because they'll be out that way. Oh, so you were kind of like in your own little mafia? Yeah, little mafia. Yeah, yeah.

It was actually a very coordinated effort. But they didn't really want us to get in trouble either. Those guys were just, you know what I mean? They were like, ah, don't get busted by that. I used to smoke weed. I would cup it. In your hand? Yeah, so I would cup it like this so that it's sticking.

And I would cup it and smoke it. And it never got caught. And I used to do math in the math book too. What? Yeah, in the crease. If you snort, you can snort the math. Out of a crease? Yes, I'm just reading a book.

You know what I mean? Bobby, how are you liking geometry? I fucking love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it. I'm gonna be a gazebo. I'll build a gazebo. Bobby would go on to build one of the best gazebos of all time. But the most humiliating was this. I was such a poor student.

My senior year, my brother was a freshman. And when I went to math class, he was in it. It was sucked. And you still didn't do well in that class, did you? How many times did you get held back in the class? That was only math. Yeah. But my brother laughed.

Well, yeah. He went, ah, you know what I mean? Culturally, it's tough. It was so humiliating. Yeah. But I was sober, so I was like, ah, fuck school. Fuck school, dude. You don't need it.

You do. No, you don't. Why would you need it? School? Yeah. You need elementary school. You can learn everything from movies and television. OK, I'm not going to argue with that.

You're right. If you watch every movie, every TV show, you can learn the language. You can also learn things of how to escape things. I mean, like, in terms of, like, if you watch a Heist movie. OK. What do you mean, Kate? I don't like your tone right now, dude.

OK. All right. Or, you know, when you watch something like Braveheart. What if you watch Die Hard? You learn. What are you going to learn? You don't walk across the fucking ground when you have bare feet and there's broken glass.

That's true. So, you know, and have I done that in my life? Never. Never. I've never done that. Give me another movie. What if you, Jurassic Park? I never get on those little tourist rides.

Oh, so you're not. You never are a tourist. No, I go to the facility, right? But I don't go on those little and let's see the wilderness. So you think you can learn a lesson from every movie. Exactly. And you don't need school. No.

OK. I'll give you another movie. Chocolat. Oh, fuck. I didn't see you. Yeah, tough, huh? Well, what's the lesson there, then? In Chocolat.

Chocolat. Don't eat chocolate. The guy, the guy dies of diabetes. Oh, he does? She takes it. This is so fucking cruel. She takes him. She takes him on a date.

And look at that. This is so this is a retelling a story of Adam and Eve, right? You know, it's like Eve gave fucking Adam the apple. He bites it. And of course. Dude, if Johnny Depp, see that chocolate, if that was your penis, you'd let him suck it in that photo. Well, then, yeah.

Not now. No, no, not now. Now that he's a fucking warlock. Yeah. Not letting that wizard suck my dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's fucking cuckold. But then, dude, oh my god, dude.

He could suck the cream right out of that thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, look at him now. Just fucking bonkers. He's OK there. Yeah, but these are the best pictures they could find. Right. He's wearing makeup.

You know, we got in a real discussion about this today about the writer strike that's happening. And it's like, I'll tell you what. Yes, pay the writers. Obviously, I'm for that. Also, you know any fucking working actors quote unquote that don't have any money? I know so many of them that are working actors

and they make no fucking money. It's not. Look, it's time for the writers to get what they're due. But honestly, it's really sad what happens. I know people that come and do guest stars and they're guest starring a ton, and they're still not making enough to survive. I mean, if I had to live off of just acting,

I would have a day job. That's a fact. Most do. Look at this. Geoffrey Owens turns the tables on Trader Joe's shame. Yeah, remember him? Geoffrey Owens, he had to get a job at Trader Joe's. But then what happened to him was some Fox.

It was a newscaster. It was a Fox newscaster trying to shame him. Like, look at this guy that was used to be on. What was it? The Martin show? What was the show? What was he on? Oh, Cosby Show.

Cosby, yeah. He was on the Cosby Show. Look, and then they tried to shame him. And then directors started getting him jobs. I know. But how awful that it took like a fucking moment for the internet and shame to have this poor man have to. It's just weird to think that that's

how that works out sometimes. And by the way, I don't know, man. Could be a mismanagement of money. Who knows what was going on in his life? Yeah, as an actor, because there's so much streaming, because there's just so much out there that you don't make that much money. And you can't even become, how would you

become super famous from acting now? I think they handpick you. We talked about this on the bus. Yeah, Margot Robbie. I think they handpicked you. They package you. They make you the thing. Margot Robbie was like born to be a star.

Yeah. They wanted her to be famous. You have to be a genetic anomaly almost. You have to look special. Yeah. You know what I saw today? I saw two women today walking out of this restaurant. And I was like, where did they fucking make you guys?

Like, they were walking together with two models. Yeah, they looked fake. And they didn't have a lot of work done or anything. But they were fucking beautiful. And it's like, I'm not supposed to be next to you guys. They should be separate. They should put them in a, they should be on the moon. They should be on the moon.

Can I be on the moon with them? No, fucking way. I will just be with their friends. Would not pass the test. You could drive the rocket ship to the moon. Maybe get out for a smoke break and say hi. Yeah. Like, leaning against the squatting.

All like an Asian squat. Hey, ladies, good luck. No thanks. I just said, good luck. Back to Earth. Back to Earth, I'll go. That's 100%. Oh, that hurts so bad.

You would be driving. And I would be like, I'd be doing tickets. You know, I'd be the ticket taker on the hot ship to space. What would they say to you? They'd be like, oh, what do you? No, they'd be like, oh, are you taking tickets? I go, yeah. And they're like, you're not so bad.

And then I go, thanks, girls. And then as I'd walk away, they go, yeah. And I'd get their bags. They would go, how do we start a fire in this atmosphere? Yeah. When they saw you. When they saw me. You're driving.

I'm taking tickets. You're definitely doing the bags. Yeah. And they're like, what a nice young man. Who's that boy that took our bag? What's his name? Yeah. He had pink glasses on?

Yeah. You know, OK. Except the fate, dude. We're not going to the hot moon. We're not going to hot moon. I know you're thinking about it, but you're not. How do I kill the hot moon? If I was like, Bezos.

Hot moon? What? Can I own? Wait, can I own hot moon? No fucking way. Why? Because have you seen Jeff Bezos? Look at him.

They wouldn't let him on. Even if he owned it, they'd be like, sorry, Jeff. Yeah, you got to be really ugly to own the moon. Yeah. Dude, this is a fucking movie that you're driving the spaceship for the hot people to go to space. I'm taking tickets and she's loading bags. And we try to devise a plan on how to permanently live up there.

Yeah, like let me bring your bags on hot moon. I'll bring your bags to your room on the moon. And I'm like, you know what? I think you need to get a new ticket. This one doesn't work. So I'll have to follow you off into the moon and you'll have to get a new credit card on the moon. No, you know what I do?

It would be like the hills have eyes. And you and I would live in a cave. And they'd walk by and they'd just see four eyes blinking. Yeah, blink, blink, blink. And it's just, it's, it's eerie. Yeah, they'll never feel safe. But wait, why are we doing that? We wanted to hang out.

I thought we wanted to hang out. No, I'd rather, I'd rather affect it because I don't like their attitudes. So we're just staring at hot people all day? Yeah, yeah, and just blinking. And I would probably like, and maybe we'd evolve into making, getting red, glowy eyes. We need red, glowy eyes.

OK, we'll get those before we leave. Yeah, yeah, we can go to like, you know, do they sell a hot topic? OK. I don't know. Are there still around? I don't know. What is that, what's the store that you can get red,

glowy eyes? Claire's. Spencer's? Yeah, Spencer's gift. Yeah, you can find that. But they'll have little dicks on their pupils. 100%. Yeah.

Little, little tiny dicks. Freak them out. But I think that's the truth. We wouldn't be allowed on Hot Moon. Hot Moon isn't for us, dude. I have an idea. Yeah. When you're driving the bus, they're distracted

on their phones taking selfies. You empty everything out of their bags. And then when they park, you guys get in the bags. And then I'll carry you guys through. You can't carry us? I'll have a dolly. Yes, OK. And it's the moon, so the gravity is easier to push.

And I would look at you and go, you know what? Fuck this bus. Let's create Uglow Mars. So we go to Mars and make Uglow Mars. Uglow Mars is where we go. And we don't let them come to Hot Moon. They wouldn't want to go. It doesn't matter.

I don't care if you have a passport. You can't come to Uglow Moon. But wait, why would they even want to? Because what do we have there that they need? The hottest what? We, when we're in hot, this is what happens. When we're on fucking Uglow Mars, you and I discover something more addictive than opiates

in the Earth, like a lab. And then we send her to the fucking. With a sample of it. Yeah, Hot Moon. You give it to them. It's a little dabble. She puts it in their bags. Right, they take it.

They're jonesing now. We need to get to Uglow Mars. Sorry, can't come. Exactly. We do the thing. Do we have a gigantic metal finger that does this? No, no, no, no, no. No hotties.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice try. Yeah, and then they're just shivering. Do we ever go to war with them? Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, we do. We take over hot fucking moon, dude. We fucking take it over, dude.

Honestly, we wouldn't make it to hot moon, and I'm OK with that. You know, like I saw, dude, fucking, they're shooting. They're finishing rust. They're finishing rust. They just wrapped rust. Oh, really? They're going to finish that movie?

They did. They just wrapped. Is he still in it, Alec? He's still doing it. He's still shooting up people. Oh, I didn't know that's what that movie was called. That's the one Alec. Yeah, look, they finished.

They finished production. They went back to production on it. That's gross. But honestly, why would you end up shooting a movie? Yeah, I just let it be. You got to let that one go. That one, call it a loss. I think if someone dies, it's over.

It's over. Well, they did that with the crow. It's over. Yeah, they finished it. They finished it without the star. It's crazy. But also, I know it's a huge loss for this. It's a big loss, but that's like, what is it?

Like, force majeure. It's like, there's got to be an insurance clause. Somebody died. Yeah. You got to fucking, you can't imagine. Yeah. Biggest movie of your career. You're shooting it next year.

Biggest of your fucking career. What's it called, baby? Ping Pong Ching Chong. It's the greatest ping pong champion. Am I Ching Chong? Yes. You're the star. You're the star.

I thought you were going to say Randall Park's Ching Chong. No, no. You are the great ping pong Ching Chong. You know the story of him, don't you? Oh, the legendary story of ping pong Ching Chong from the folklore? Yes. Oh, I know it.

Repeat it. You know it. I know you love it. I know you know it. It's incredible. And a white guy knowing it, it just puts fucking butterflies in my heart. He was born.

Born where? And he was born in Taiwan. Yeah, exactly. And his parents, instead of putting him in a dumpster or something, that most people, the last names were the slants, right? Ping Pong slant. Oh, sure.

Why not? I don't remember that. Is it? Yeah. OK. And they bury him alive. Oh, because they thought it was a girl? Yep.

I see. And check this. Because there's only one child policy. That's right. And so they bury him in the backyard, which is disgusting and inhumane. Yeah, so ping pong slants buried. But let me tell you something about ping pong,

the resiliency. What? He uses his resources around him. He eats worms. He's staying alive underground. Also, he's Asian, so he's born knowing karate. Already. Right.

So he does that Uma Thurman thing. Right. Right. Like, remember Donna, the evil dead, sticking his hand out, right? But. And what? That's years later.

He grew underground. That's right. I remember that. Yeah, he grew up my bad. So he grew to be a full grown man, right? Right. He's 19, 20 years old. But you're missing the fucking wise earthworm.

What? There's an earth when he's on that. Remember that wise earthworm? Oh, I love him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What does he say? His voice by Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy, right?

You're going to be the greatest ping-pong player of all time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember him? Yes. Yeah, yeah. And he gives him the knowledge. The knowledge of it, right?

You can get out of the situation. You just have to play ping-pong. Right. So sure enough, he comes to United States. He becomes the greatest champion of all time, faces adversity, racism, hatred, setbacks. And he becomes the greatest. You are playing ping-pong ching-chong next year.

Amazing. Who's playing the worm? Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy. But what if he can't do it? Eddie Griffin. Eddie Griffin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if he can't do it, Cat Williams said he would do it. But 30th is Eric Griffin. This motherfucker's going to play ping-pong. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cat Williams will do it. Right, I can't wait. So listen. Let me say something.

How did he, like, how old was he when he left the fucking Earth? What did he, but he was a baby, they put him on the ground to kill him. I know, but how long was he down there with fucking, you know what I mean? 20 years. The worm.

He became 20. 20 years. And then he gets out and he knows how to speak. The worm taught, teaches him everything. Chinese. Wise worm. Cat Williams, a wise worm. Right.

Cat Williams. I remember. Yeah, I remember. But he speaks like Cat Williams, because that's the only voice he's ever heard. So ping-pong-ching-chong is like, I'm ready to fucking play ping-pong, bitch. Right.

That's what you got to do. Yeah, right. This motherfucker wants to play ping-pong. I'm ready to play ping-pong, bitch. Exactly. Fuck yeah. Do I get the role? You got it.

Am I the fucker? So here's the deal. 2024, you're shooting in Vancouver. That's where a lot of films are being shot. Right. And you're up there. And sure enough. Macon's the cinematographer.

Macon is, yeah. We'll see. Yeah. We'll see. Yeah, back it up, dude. Oh, so I swing the ping-pong, the paddle. I lose it. And it kills.

It goes between Actress's mouth, splits her mouth like the Joker. She dies. And then what? And then the studio goes, hey, ping-pong? I'm Bobby. I'm playing ping-pong. We refer to you as your character almost always.

Yeah, but it's just really racist when you call me ping-pong. I'm off-screen. Sliding you a check. Oh, $40. So ping-pong? Back to what I was saying, ping-pong? Yes. You're willing to go for it?

Yes. OK. There's a girl. Can you Google this? There is a girl who's girl snowboarding away from a bear. I saw this clip today. Yeah. And I was like, holy fucking shit.

This girl is so. She has no idea. She's strapping in. Is this one? Yeah. And has no idea a bear is chasing her. She's like listening to music. Look at this.

And there's a fucking bear right there. And she doesn't see it because the camera's not. Camera's just facing her. She doesn't see what's behind her. She doesn't see what's behind her. Yeah. So look. No, but she has no idea.

She's inches away from like a slip up or whatever from just getting fucking eaten alive. Look, you think he's gone? No, he's right there. She's just cruising along. And she has no idea so far. No fucking idea. Look at her face.

If she had an idea, she'd panic and fall. Thank god she never turned around. Look, there he is right there. Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's like the Revenant. Every time you think he's gone, he's right fucking there. Right there. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And now she gets over the crest of that hill

and she rips and she's far away. Yeah, wow. I'd be dead. Imagine watching back that footage. Yeah. Piss, piss myself. I can smell bear. Sorry.

Say it again. You can smell bear. Yeah. You think you've got that keen of a sense of smell? Oh, I know bear. I know bear. What does it smell like? It smells like wolf, but like half deer.

A heavy wolf. You think a bear is a heavy wolf. They have similar smells. Is this one of your Chinese calendar things? Because it's like, no, I'll tell you why, though. I'll be real. I can smell a bear because I know what wet dog smells like. Well, that I know.

You so you know, right? That's not what a bear smells like. Yes, it's in the snow. It's hair. Wet hair, you can smell it. I'm like daredevil. No, I have senses, man. Yeah, you've got the regular ones.

No, I have extra smelling sense. You think you have an extra chromosome? Yeah, dude. I can't hear that well, we'll see. But it all went into my fucking nose. You tricked him. Why would they have a downside though? OK, good.

Very good one. Very good. You don't think you could smell a bear? No. I can't smell a fucking bear. And she had little big goggles on. Yeah, but that's can you do you smell with your eyes? But I think we go over our nose.

You know, you actually can smell with your eyes. Oh, you can. I can see smell. I mean, can you, but human beings, don't we have an instinctual thing when something damages around? When it's near you, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty near, dude.

Dude. She was born with no fucking sense. No, you know what she was born with? Fucking Ripper, dude. She's Ripper. Oh, she is Ripper. She's like, fuck that, dude. Just got a rib, dog.

I think that's insane. But yes, when something is near you, something instinctual kicks in to think that something's near. But she might have just thought it's snowy and windy. I don't know. Yeah, you know what the biggest fear? I think my biggest fear is being in the wilderness, the tundra, wherever.

Yeah, tundra, yeah. OK. And you run across a beast. You run across, I don't know what the beast lives in tundra. But it's got fangs, dude. What does it look like? Oh, it's got fucking Michael Shannon eyes. Wide apart.

The actor, Michael Shannon. Like a man to see, Fred. Yeah, right. Two saber teeth. But not coming out of the mouth, though. Where is it coming out of? Cheek. What?

Yeah. But it's got more coming out of the mouth. What? Yeah, so it's just like melting teeth. Melting teeth. Right. Michael Shannon eyes, right? Shannon eyes, melted teeth.

Yeah, yeah, the body of Ralphie May. So slow. Yeah, but the legs of Usain Bolt. What? Yeah, yeah. She was saying like a 600 pound Usain Bolt. Yes. And he can run that fast.

Right. Michael Shannon eyes, remember. Shannon eyes and high teeth. And you're there, right? And you know there's nothing you can do. Imagine that fear. Nothing. Yeah, what kind of animal is that?

What do you start doing? What? What do you start doing? I would probably smear poo on my face. If it's charging towards you, you smear poo on yourself? Well, I would shit automatically, because that's your organic. That's instinct.

Immediately. On my face. And I would just fall to the ground. Men gets canceled for doing blackface while getting mulled by. No, I'm doing poo face. Right? I would pretend I was poo.

What do you think? What do you think? Imagine if they find you, but they cancel you, because they're like, hey, man. Bobby was doing blackface. Bobby was doing blackface while getting attacked in the wood tundra. Michael Shannon creature was nearby.

No. No, no, still did. You didn't need to do blackface. That's so offensive. Disgusting. Don't you have a fear of an animal? Curl up in a ball. You would curl up in a ball and let it play with you.

No, I think you tick sticks and you make it loud. Like, you know those airport guys with the. What do you want, like a float at the Gay Pride parade? Yeah, yeah, yeah. YMC and then just nobody would scream. Why? You know what I mean? You would really scream and oh my god,

there's a fucking loud eight. You're supposed to get big. You're supposed to get big. Go big. It's not true. I thought that was a myth. No, they say get big. Yeah.

I know they say that, but I thought you weren't. Here's the deal. If a bear is charging towards you, you're fucked. You're not going to get big. You're not going to get small. You're going to go like this. That's it. You're not doing shit.

You're not doing fucking shit. Like when we sign with sharks in Hawaii, you take an hour class and the one one I did remember, I don't remember the rest of them, splashing. You can't splash. You're not supposed to splash. Right. You have to swim above them.

Right. But the third one. Never lock eyes. Look away. You look away. You look away. Yeah. Like you blush almost.

That's why autistic kids are so good with sharks. Oh. You were right. There's never been an autistic kid attacked by a shark. Like with Rain Man was in the ocean. Never get that. You've got to go to Kmart and have sharks. Shark fin soup.

Fins are soup. Soup. That's a really good job. I like it. Imagine. Yeah, imagine. Imagine though. Honestly, I felt even though I knew that we went and swam

with Manta rays or yeah, Manta ray, right? Manta ray in Hawaii. And even though I know that they're like, these things aren't going to hurt you, there's nothing about it, but still, you get near them and you're like, yeah, what if it fucking turns on me? Well, what if it's not a Manta ray? What if it's a Michael Shannon creature?

They kind of look alike. Yeah, yeah. Wait, was it a Stingray? I don't know. Whatever. Stingray. See, that's what fucks me up. Because he killed the master, Steve Irwin.

Or Manta rays. Can they kill you? No, maybe it was a Manta ray, right? I don't know. Are they deadly? They look like bats in the ocean, dude. Look at that. But do they want to hurt the human?

I don't remember what we swam with. Manta rays are quite peaceful. Right, they're Manta ray. That's who we swam with. Manta ray, they didn't want to. What Stingrays look up that? Well, yeah, Stingrays don't like you. Stingrays don't like you.

Why? Because they're, you know why? Yeah. Because they're on Elgo Mars. All right. Look at those fucking things. Look at the fourth picture. Go to the click on the fourth.

Look at that fucking ugly bitch. Holy shit, dude. Now look at what a Manta ray looks like. Go to Manta ray and look at what those fucking guys. Stingrays are just ugly. Manta rays, beautiful, they're on the moon. Yeah. He looks like a fucking, he looks like the Bat, the Batmobile.

I just realized Stingrays are the fucking Asian fish or the ocean. You know why? Flat faces. Wow. Wow, dude. Wow. And does that offend you?

No. OK. So the lesson that we learned today was that we are all going to go to Elgo Mars. But beware, hot moon. Yeah. We're fucking coming for you, buddy. It's a war.

It's a war. So pack up, get ready, hunker down. Because I don't think hot moon folks are going to be able to handle Elgo Mars. What's your plan of attack, Jesse? Go. Shotgun. What the fuck?

Yeah. I didn't say weapon. I just mean, Jesus Christ. You're going to shoot a shotgun into space? God damn it. I mean, it would be gnarly. It would be gnarly. From Mars?

I just traveled through. This is her plan of attack. She goes, and then you're like, what now? And you're like, we've got to wait like a year and a half. But it'll get there. And then it might get there. Yeah, yeah. We're planning our attack.

And just fucking take heed. We're coming for you, baby. Yeah. And what will we say when we get there? Thank you for being a bad friend. Ha!