Bad Friends - Bobby Uncorked ft. Stavros Halkias

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, what up, bad friends? I am here in New York City, baby. The Big Schmapple. I'm running around promoting my new special. My new special, Cheeseburger Drops Tomorrow. Tomorrow on Netflix, it is out. Please watch it, tell a friend, tell everyone you know. Sit back, relax, and enjoy a cheeseburger with me

Starting point is 00:00:20 on Tuesday night on Netflix tomorrow. Please watch it, January 10th. Share it with everybody you know. Cheeseburger on Netflix. Also, bad friends just added a date. Go to BadFriendsPod.com. We're doing the Nashville Comedy Festival to start off our tour.

Starting point is 00:00:35 It's the only date that we put up so far outside of the three that we're doing in February. So go to BadFriendsPod.com to see us. Come see us in Spokane, in Seattle, and Vancouver. And then we are going to be starting the Bad Friends Tour out there in Nashville, baby, on 420. BadFriendsPod.com is where you're gonna get those tickets. And please watch Cheeseburger on Netflix now.

Starting point is 00:00:59 Today, all you bad friends out there, it's Juicy Jetski, Jeffrey, Schemask, whatever you want, Johnson. Anyway, after you watch Andrea's special, Cheeseburger on Netflix, come check me out. San Jose Improv, January 18th. I'm headlining my own show. Do you know the way to San Jose?

Starting point is 00:01:21 If not, it's a really easy Google search. That's how I got directions to the club. Okay, I hope to see you. Thanks for all the support. Love you guys. Bye. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Starting point is 00:01:33 Woo. Why dude? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Woo. Well, you two are something. We're bad friends. God has certain prototypes, body-wise.

Starting point is 00:01:44 Body-wise prototype. And this is the Maddie Matheson, you know what I mean? It's a timeout, timeout, timeout. First of all, that's a friend of mine. But don't compare Stav to Maddie Matheson. Yeah. No, it's just a body. Not all five bodies are the same.

Starting point is 00:01:56 You know, although he is a little titty's big belly guy. Oh yeah, that's a good one. That is, there's a, I think that is the best. You know what, actually? I'm gonna do a full 180. I'm actually on Bobby's side here. Because I do believe this is the best fat body to have. It's little titties, big stomach.

Starting point is 00:02:16 You don't want to be too fluffy. You want to be hard. Yeah. You want to be compact. Smooth, right? Look at my shit. Oh, sexy dog. No ripples.

Starting point is 00:02:24 Yeah. And then guys like you are athletic. I am shockingly athletic. Yeah. You can't run far because I'm fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right this guy? He runs quick, not fast.

Starting point is 00:02:34 Quick. Fast as long term. Like Gimli. Remember Lord of the Rings? He was like catching up with Legolas? That's the kind of guy I am in a video game. That's who you are. The hammer, the guy with the big catch.

Starting point is 00:02:43 Yeah. First of all, shout out to Stav. So Stavros is on the show today. Our boy Stav, who's got a calendar out right now, 2023. That's right. Get it right now, you fucking sluts. Get it. Stav.biz.

Starting point is 00:02:55 Stav.biz. I mean, look at the cast. God damn, it's so fire. I need to work on my ass. Like if I didn't look at the face, is that Kate Moss? No. I need to work on my ass.

Starting point is 00:03:03 Yeah, yeah, no. Also Stav's mom baked us cookies. Shout out to Lil V. Lil V. Lil V. Lil V, she rules. And Bobby initially said some dumb shit. Bobby, he did.

Starting point is 00:03:12 I don't like it. No, no, no, don't, don't, don't, don't. No, no, you did. I don't like homemade cookies, which is. I'm not gonna eat them. Oh, come on. Slame. You think he looks like that?

Starting point is 00:03:20 From not to cookies? You think my mom doesn't make good cookies? Whoa, so explain this to him because he doesn't know what these are. Okay, so we have three varieties there. We've got your classic baklava. Baklava, baby. But actually, and that's a, that's a standard, but actually I think the other two are where my mom really shines. We have the kurabye, which is the little powdered sugar one.

Starting point is 00:03:40 That's a butter cookie. That's, that's just awesome. I know this. Kurabye. You Greek? I am. You know Stamos? I wish I did.

Starting point is 00:03:48 That's my leader. I know, dude. No, absolutely. John Stamos is our leader. Wait a minute. Yannis Papas. I don't know how he's got to connect. But you and Yannis know each other.

Starting point is 00:03:56 We do. So what the fuck is- He's Hogan Stamos. Yo. He's Hogan Stamos. I'm not cool. If I had Stamos, I would hug him too, dude. You're not fucking Greek.

Starting point is 00:04:05 Yeah. Should I call Stamos? Yes. Call him right now. You know Stamos? He does. He knows, he knows all sorts of weirdos. Hey, watch your mouth about John Stamos.

Starting point is 00:04:14 No, no, no. I just mean people in general. He's not gonna pick up for me. Of course, let's see if he does. Do you want to see if Stamos picks up? Say the correct way to say this, stop. Kourabieh. Kourabieh.

Starting point is 00:04:26 There it is. Should I FaceTime it? Yeah, he's not gonna answer. So you do it every once. These are so good. They're really good. And that's not even her best cookie. The brown one called a melomacarono.

Starting point is 00:04:35 Careful, dude. Relax. The American one. Yeah. Wait, what's this called, stop? Melomacarono. Melomacarono. It's an almond.

Starting point is 00:04:43 That one is, that one is a orange peel olive oil cookie. You're gonna love it. Damn, bro. Tasting this one, too. Soak that motherfucker in honey. That's your magnum opus. Fuck Jon Stamos. No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:04:57 Fuck this guy. You made a little fucking fool, dude. He really embarrassed you. Fucking piece of shit. Fucking fuck full house. He diminished you in my eyes. Fucking diminished, man. He's not the leader, man.

Starting point is 00:05:06 You're the new leader. Thank you. You're the new leader, dude. I appreciate that. Fuck Stamos, dude. Can I tell you something? Is this good? I'm not kidding.

Starting point is 00:05:12 So good. It's so fucking. Look at Pete. Pete, well, there goes. No, she's out of her. She's unbelievable. I'm halfway done. Do I have to eat this one?

Starting point is 00:05:18 The brown one is her best cookie, though. Which one? This brown one right here? Tell them how to say it. Mela macaro, no? Mela macaro. I got it, dad. Look at me.

Starting point is 00:05:27 I got it. I don't even have hearing. OK, let's see. I would try. Mela macaro, man. That's not bad, dude. You were close until the end. Time out.

Starting point is 00:05:36 Time out. What up, Drew? Yon Pop. Yon Pop, you're on Bad Friends right now. Stavros is here. OK? The con is, the con is. The Greeks are taking over, bro.

Starting point is 00:05:48 Stavros is here. This is their thing. This is their thing. We're talking in code. That's true. It's Kanye stuff. Yon, I'm going to say something real fast. And I love you to death.

Starting point is 00:05:59 We just ate Mela macaro, no? Mela macaro, made by his mom. He's on some heavy Greek shit. It's so fucking good. I'm going to throw this out to you. And I know you're with your family. I know it's late. I was in New York.

Starting point is 00:06:13 It doesn't matter. Midnight. Yon answers for me. He's got a child. Stay on. Hold on. Yon. We just went Greek shit down for dinner.

Starting point is 00:06:24 That's right. That's true. Yon, I got to know. Real talk, because I love you. We're old friends. How can we have an introduced Stav to fucking Stamos? Bro, it's all part of the plan. You guys don't understand.

Starting point is 00:06:36 This is a Greek takeover. We're taking back the civilization we created. That's true. Okay. People have done with it. Let me ask you something. Ask Jonas this question. He can hear you.

Starting point is 00:06:48 Jonas, do you hear me? Yes. Stavos is the Trojan horse that's coming through. I just called you. Why didn't you switch over? I just fucking called you. Why didn't you switch over? Did you get my call?

Starting point is 00:06:58 Did you get my call? I saw it coming in. I saw it coming in. I saw it coming in, Bobby, but I didn't even know you were there. I mean, are you even there? Are you even there? I saw it coming in. I saw it coming in.

Starting point is 00:07:06 I saw it coming in, Bobby, but I didn't even know you were there. Are you even there? Uh-uh. Uh-uh. By the way, let's be real. How far, how close is Italy and Ireland to Greece, much closer than South Korea? It's nice. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:21 Nice try. And the thing about Greece is they do have a very rigid ranking of the races. Right. And you're not up there. In my personal ranking, Koreans are way up there. Okay, good. Give me the Greek ranking, and I'm going to give you the Korean ranking. Time out.

Starting point is 00:07:33 Jonas, you want to go ranking? Jonas, I love you. I'll talk to you soon. You know what? I don't actually think ranking races is the way to start the podcast. I think I've changed my mind. No, no, no. I think that's how we start.

Starting point is 00:07:43 It is on this podcast. The cookie's great, by the way. No, no, no, no. Let's be honest. What are the best? Be nice to Lil V. Be nice to Lil V. Some of the best cookies I've ever had homemade in my fucking life.

Starting point is 00:07:54 I'm trying to convince you to go bakery mode with it. 100. I wanted to open up a bakery. It's so good. I'll be honest with this stuff. Yes, please. Okay. Yes.

Starting point is 00:08:04 Did I say it right? Close. There you go. He's never going to get it. I'll never try the last name though. No, it's not that hard. Give me a shot. Howkyus.

Starting point is 00:08:12 Stavros. Howkyus. No, even still. You say it. Stavros. He rolled the R. Oh, wow. Stavros.

Starting point is 00:08:20 I can't have a Korean tongue, dude. I can't do that. I have a fake Korean tongue. Is that really? Stavros. Yeah. Let me try to roll my tongue. Okay.

Starting point is 00:08:28 Stavros. Yes. No, because I had to do it with my lips. Slow down. Slow down. You can't roll your arms? Yeah. You do it.

Starting point is 00:08:38 I can't do it. Stavros. Stavros. Stavros. Stavros. Stavros. Oh, yeah. But by more like doing a gargle, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:08:49 Now, let me ask you this. How do you, does that affect your eating pussy? What do you mean? If you can't roll an R, that's not a good sign for how you eat pussy. I don't mean, yeah, no, no, no. I don't want to start a relationship like this. You're right. You're right.

Starting point is 00:09:01 You're right. You're right. But you know what? You know, how about this though? Okay. Please. Some cars have faster stick shift, right? What?

Starting point is 00:09:10 I don't think so. Not at all. Let me try. Let me try. Let me try. Let me try. This guy hates cars. Let me try.

Starting point is 00:09:18 He knows nothing about cars. Yeah, try. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. Hold on.

Starting point is 00:09:26 Hold on. Finish it. They have a faster, what did you say? What? A faster what? Stick. Stick shift. Some cars have a faster stick shift.

Starting point is 00:09:34 Yeah. Some cars have stick shifts. Okay, there you go. Right? Like a Mustang. Right? Sure. Sure, right?

Starting point is 00:09:42 Yeah. And some cars are automatic. True. They're a smart car, right? Right? I'm just going to say yes to everything. I'm fine. One car goes faster than the other.

Starting point is 00:09:50 Mm-hmm. Right? But they both get there. Dude, honestly? Did I get there? Did I get there? Did I get there? It did.

Starting point is 00:09:58 Thank you. You did. You did. There was a lot of like, there was a lot of scenery around there that was like, unnecessary. You know what I mean? All right, all right, all right, all right. We didn't need the stick shift.

Starting point is 00:10:08 There was mainly a speed analogy. Yeah, but I can't roll the tongue. Yeah. But I can do, stick it in the hole. Is that good? The whole tongue? The whole tongue? The whole tongue?

Starting point is 00:10:18 Are you being real though? Yeah. All right, I need a thing then. Can I make a vagina out of this? Yeah, whatever you want, man. All right. You know what? You know it's cool.

Starting point is 00:10:28 This is what I'm going to do. I imagine like, you know, David Fincher. Sometimes like, you know, like if Brad Pitt's looking at a sink, he's looking at a sink. He puts the camera in the sink to look up, right? So imagine the cameras in the vagina. Are you getting into filmmaking? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:43 This is the opening scene. So imagine that, right? So. Okay. Oh, no. Your whole tongue in the pussy? No. Not too much?

Starting point is 00:10:56 No, but if you... Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. What? What do you mean? You go fist first. Fist first.

Starting point is 00:11:06 You go first first? Fist first. No, I do finger first, right? No, no. You surprise him. Yeah. You just do a karate show. You do a karate thing.

Starting point is 00:11:14 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not good. I'm not good. Are you good at it? I am, yeah, yeah. King. Because Andrew was telling me that you get a lot. I do, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:22 How? Is that possible? You just got to believe in yourself. Time out. Take a second. Don't insult my friend. I wasn't insulting him. How is that possible?

Starting point is 00:11:31 Here's the thing. It was coming from a legit place of wonder. From a little fat guy. Right, right, right. That's what it was. Let me ask you something. In your head, you're asking me how do I get girls, right? Yeah, I can see it.

Starting point is 00:11:43 I can see it with you. Personality. I can see it with you as well. Yeah. I just wanted the people to listen. Okay, so let me be the moderator. Okay. As a not fat guy.

Starting point is 00:11:51 Sure, sure, sure. What do you think he has... What do you think he does to get the puss? And what do you think he does to get the puss? What do you think his strengths are with the puss? And what do you think his strengths are with the puss? Okay, this is good. Oh, this is good.

Starting point is 00:12:02 This is good exercise. And I'm going to be real, not funny. Please. Let's go real, right? You're always not... You're always real. You know what? That's an attack.

Starting point is 00:12:10 No, I said you're always real. That's a... I said you're always real. That's a bit of an attack. But that's a little bit of an attack, dude. Because what you're saying is he can't... He's not trying to be funny. Right, right, right.

Starting point is 00:12:18 No, no, no, no. You're saying he's a buffoon. Yeah, yes, yes, and... We're two peas in a pod. Yes, we are. And without the second pea, there would be no... Thank you. The king of analogies.

Starting point is 00:12:32 The king of analogies. Sometimes the pods have a really fast... All right, so you tell him... I want to hear him for you. Can I... May I ask him some questions then? Sure. Let me ask you some questions.

Starting point is 00:12:46 This is how we're going to get there, okay? Good. So, what do you do that because of your comedy and what you do for a living? You know, stand up and potting and this and that. Gave you confidence enough to get the girls? It just... It just... Initially, probably.

Starting point is 00:13:02 Thank you. Yes, initially, yes. I'll give you that. Yeah. Yeah. What I'm asking you is that the flow before you were Stavros. Yeah. Right?

Starting point is 00:13:12 Probably was average. I still fucked more than I should have, dude, given my body. Good. But not months more. How many times a year, you think? How many times a year did I fuck? Before the Stavros. Ask a month.

Starting point is 00:13:24 How many times a month? Oh, shit. Month? Year? Yeah. Year. A week. How many times a month is a more accurate description?

Starting point is 00:13:32 How many times a month would you? Okay, let's see here. There... See, I started... There was a... There's a real turning point when I got... When I was getting pussy. When I moved out of my family's house, right?

Starting point is 00:13:43 That helps. In college, I had a college girlfriend. I fucked one girl. Right? The whole time. Red hair, frackles, probably. I wish. That's enough.

Starting point is 00:13:52 What? College girl. In my fact, fantasy. They're always redheaded. Yeah, they're like that. Every girl in college is... Wendy's girl. Oh, Wendy.

Starting point is 00:14:00 Or, you know... What's the... You think... Longstockings. Pippi Longstocking. Is that her name? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:08 Let's say before I was popping, I could tell you... Actually, I'll tell you in the year. There was one year before I moved to New York. Yeah. That was the first time I lived with my friends outside of my house. And I fucked 10 girls that year. And that was a nice... One a month, almost.

Starting point is 00:14:21 And that was a nice one. For a fat guy, that's a great number. For any guy. For any guy. And I was dating two of them, so I slowed down. Dude. Let me tell you something. That was a nice year for me.

Starting point is 00:14:31 I'm going to level you out. That was the first year of getting pussy for me. I'm going to bring this back down to earth. Oh, let's go. 10 guys. 10 girls. Almost one a month. For any dude.

Starting point is 00:14:40 Good-looking dude even. Still a good number. Still a really good number. That's interesting. That's a really good number. Yeah. If you're not going to get pussy... Let's get specific.

Starting point is 00:14:49 Yeah, but even the go out and get pussy guy, he's so aggressive. He's maybe getting three in one month, then he gets two or three months. He gets hot. You're right. He's streaky. That guy's streaky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're consistent.

Starting point is 00:15:00 Just for my information, how many of those is raw dog? Oh boy. Wow, this was a while ago, right? It's a deep cut. It's a deep cut. This was... What, 10 years ago? Oh, dude, 10 years was...

Starting point is 00:15:08 There were no aides then. No. No. 10 years. Oh, actually, you know what? You know what? I had a very scary thing happen. This is great.

Starting point is 00:15:18 This... Thank you for reminding me this. Give it. I was with... So, in that year, I dated two girls, like, kind of, on again, off again, regularly. May I ask what race? They... These were both white women.

Starting point is 00:15:26 Fuck yeah. I was trying to go... America. I was trying to go white, free, 2022, and that blew up in smoke. I was dating a Korean girl, actually, and then she got a boyfriend while I was in the room. Oh, shit. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:38 And I was dating a different... Indian zone, where I had a little roster. It's a great zone. You know what I mean? Well, because they're kind of... Really? Well, you... I don't think so.

Starting point is 00:15:47 Really? What do you mean? Filipinos are the Mexicans of the Asian... Yeah, but the disappointment meter of your parents is, like, more... No, no, no. Leaning one. His mom's busy making these cookies. She don't give a fuck about who he's piping.

Starting point is 00:15:57 My mom is actually a very progressive woman. She'd be happy if I... Lil V. Lil V doesn't care. If I came home with a woman of any race, she's so happy. Stoked. She wants... She doesn't care what color they are.

Starting point is 00:16:09 God bless Lil V. She's the fuck. She's the best. God bless Lil V. Move on. So, yeah. So, I was dating this girl, and we were watching... This was the year that Jenny Slate movie about getting an abortion came out.

Starting point is 00:16:22 Oh, yeah, I remember this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Problem child, or obvious child? Obvious child, I think. Obvious child. Problem child was the little... That was what I was in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:30 That was my movie. That was my foray into acting. Yes, yes. Yeah. So, I had been dating this girl for, like, two months. And it come and fully raw-dogging her. Yeah. Just fully...

Starting point is 00:16:40 Didn't bust in, because I was still a little... I was a gentleman. I was a little too scared to fully... Good guy. When you say fully, is there a half way of doing it? Yeah, it's like what you do. Yeah. You put a couple...

Starting point is 00:16:50 You took a couple swipes. You're like half in. What does that mean? You're fully wrecked penis. Only reaches half in, I think, is what he's getting at. Is that what you mean? My dick size? I think...

Starting point is 00:16:59 Jordan. There is... There is a way to... It was a quick joke, and you missed it. No, I got it. Yeah. No, I got it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:08 Yeah, yeah. Well, how big is your penis, Bobby? What do you matter at Andrew for here? That's Bobby's penis. Is that not your penis? Is that not your penis? Okay, can I say something? Is that or is that not your penis?

Starting point is 00:17:17 Say it or no fast. Yes! Okay, thank you. But... Yes, but... In one step... Like, is Bruce Banner Hulk? Is Bruce Banner Hulk?

Starting point is 00:17:27 Okay. Right? No! They're two different entities, right? I understand. They're angry, right? Because of this yellow monster. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:17:36 Yeah, once it sees a little kid with a fucked-up face, he gets to be a giant monster. Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mario Bufi! A red smash! Hulk smash a pussy! Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:47 So... I love Hulk with an Asian accent. Hulk smash a pussy! Hulk smash a pussy! Yeah, yeah, that's good. Alright, so you're... So, by the way... So, yes...

Starting point is 00:17:59 Collect more information so you know. Alright, so... We're gonna finish this story, right? The Plan B story, right? Yeah. You're a fully raw dog. Fully raw dog. Which, by the way, there is such thing as kind of raw dog.

Starting point is 00:18:09 That's when you get like four pumps in before putting the condom on. Oh, never done that. When you treat yourself to a couple pumps. You know? Oh, that's nice! You're like, come on, you can't catch fucking. I feel like Europeans in four pumps. I feel like Europeans do it that way.

Starting point is 00:18:22 You know what that's like? That's like trying ice cream at the shop. Oh, that's what that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a little sample. Yeah, I'll have the whole scoop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, we were way past that.

Starting point is 00:18:33 I've just been maybe even a... Maybe even I'm not at once. Anyway... Put one out. She... We're watching this movie and it's a... Jenny Slate has a, you know... And she's like, oh my God, I just...

Starting point is 00:18:45 I could never do that. Like, I could just never have an abortion. She's never had this conversation. I assumed I'm dating an alcoholic in Baltimore. We're both in our early 20s. Like, of course, you're getting an abortion. And then I'm like, oh, well, that's kind of fucking crazy that you're telling me this. But thank God you're on birth control.

Starting point is 00:19:00 And she was like, I'm not on birth control. I was just like, no! My life flashed before my eyes, bro. Fuck. She was Christian? She wasn't even. She's just like... She probably had Christian parents.

Starting point is 00:19:12 Yeah, probably. Something got into her head to be like, abortion is wrong and I'm not taking birth control. Right, right, right. Anyway, that... My whole fucking life flashed before my eyes. Oh my God. I was like, what?

Starting point is 00:19:23 It's crazy. I have just been absolutely no condom whatsoever. Yeah. Just no abandon. I wasn't even thinking about putting on a condom for months. So this guy now, though, he's being a good boy. But now I'm up to 85% condom usage. God bless.

Starting point is 00:19:36 Oh, that's pretty good. Good number. Yeah, that's good. I literally don't even know how they work. I open it up. I blow on it. I don't know what... You're a dog?

Starting point is 00:19:46 I generally do, yeah. Wow. Yeah, he does. Well, Koreans don't get it. Well, in Korea... In Korea what? I've never been to Korea with a thing. Well, you know, in Korea, condoms...

Starting point is 00:19:54 Like with a water or anything like that, you know? Condoms are illegal. They treat condoms in Korea like menthol cigarettes here in California. Really? Yeah, they're illegal. Yeah. Against a law. I don't have sex with a lot of people.

Starting point is 00:20:04 No? Why not? You're a cute guy. Let's move on. No. Let's move on. Okay, but let me say this. You could be having sex with a lot of people.

Starting point is 00:20:12 You could have sex with as many people as you want. Yeah, but you know what? I have an ethic. No, you don't. Is that how you say it? You don't have an ethic. I just sounded so... You don't even know how to say it.

Starting point is 00:20:20 I have an ethic. You don't have an ethic. Yeah. That's a word and you don't have it. That's not how you use that word. I have ethics. I guess. Right?

Starting point is 00:20:31 And a morality. Yeah. What is this? Tell them, read what it says. Ethics is right. Moral principles that govern a person's behavior or the conducting of an activity. There you go. Moral principles that govern a person's behavior of the...

Starting point is 00:20:45 And by the way, guys, Stavi's World Podcast just launched. You're going to want to subscribe. Go listen to Stavi's World. You think you're leaving? You're not leaving it. No, no, no. I just like to get the plug in right up top. You're smart.

Starting point is 00:20:55 But Stavi, you don't want to be in a relationship, though? I do. I mean, I was in one. I was in one for a while. How long? And then we broke up. We were dating for like two years. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:04 And then we broke up and I was on the road right after the pandemic and I just got my little titties sucked from sea to shining sea for a little bit. Yeah. And for me, when I go on the road, I can't get it because I'm not a close. I can't open and close in one night. What do you mean? Yeah, you can. No, I can't.

Starting point is 00:21:19 I can open hard, but I can't close. Too soft. Like I because it's for me. It's like, you know, hey, like, let's see your club. Now, hey, all the all the stuff is done for the work is done. You were so funny tonight. Oh, you think so? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:32 What are you doing after this? You want to be Instagram friends? I always do that. That's harder. I make it more challenging. I was going to suck your dick. Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:21:44 Can I really? Let's just cut to the chase, right? Can we role play though or no? I don't want to play the girl. Because I want to be the Korean girl. Ship station. I love ship station because we, Andrew, have an online company. Yes, we do.

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Starting point is 00:22:57 That's shipstation.com, promo code badfriends. Shipstation.com, bad friends. Pwn promo code. DoorDash. You know, I get a lot of food from DoorDash. I think you exclusively get food from DoorDash. I would be dead without them. No.

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Starting point is 00:24:35 That's what he loves. Well, ask what my name is, all that. I need the whole thing. What's your name? In fact, no, I've got to walk into it. Hey, baby girl, what's your name? Can I walk into it? Let him walk in.

Starting point is 00:24:45 Whatever you need to do. It's how he gets in the character. Actor studio. Yeah. Just tuck your penis into your balls. No, no. Yes. Get in the character.

Starting point is 00:24:56 I think the Korean women's ass are flat, so I want to do the flat walk. Got you. She didn't have a flat ass. No, she had a nice ass. She was hot. Act hot. This is not doing it for me. Did somebody get this frumpy bitch out of my eye line?

Starting point is 00:25:13 Hi. Hey, how's it going? You're really funny on stage. Thank you. I'm Song Hong-chun. Hey, Song Hong-chun. Hi. That sounds like a really cool, not racist name.

Starting point is 00:25:23 I love your humor. It's edgy. What are you like? Squish, squish. What's up with your tits? What's going on with your tits? I have a little leechy fruit tits. You think maybe I could put those bad boys in my mouth or what?

Starting point is 00:25:39 Both of them? One at a time, whatever your preferences. Yeah, but where are we at a club? At my hotel room. I'm actually staying right around the corner. Yeah? Yep. How about tomorrow?

Starting point is 00:25:51 I'm really, I'm not going to be around. It's all good. It's tonight or nothing, but either way. Knock, knock, knock. Hello? Hey, it's me, Song Hong-chun again. Song Hong-chun. What's the weirdest week?

Starting point is 00:26:04 You never told me your hotel room number, so I knocked on every single door. And this is the 40th door, and I'm so glad because this is going to be my last one. You see what he does? That's how we get to suck on tits. It is true. You want to suck on the tits? Yep. Okay, they're a little dirty.

Starting point is 00:26:18 Why? Because I just fucking worked out pretty much. I went to every floor and knocked on every door. So they're sweaty, not dirty. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. Can I sprinkle them in the faucet? No.

Starting point is 00:26:29 No, I need to fucking marinate it. You just did, he's marinated. All right. Like Galbi sauce. Yeah. Galbi. Okay. Let me get some fucking.

Starting point is 00:26:38 Which tit do you want to start with? This one? I'll go last. Do you see? Oh man, they're kind of smaller than I was expecting. Yeah. Anyway, this one? Yep, I guess.

Starting point is 00:26:50 Hey, you want to just go ahead and just suck me off real quick. Well, that's how you would do? Honestly, that is legitimately though. Yeah. Like, hey, do you want to come to my hotel room? Do you get rejected? Yeah, we'll get rejected. And in the hotel room, hey, you want to suck me off?

Starting point is 00:27:06 Do you get rejected there? In the hotel room, I do not get rejected. But you say that directly, hey, you want to suck me off? If someone's coming to your hotel at fucking midnight, what do they think is happening? Yeah, they don't know. They don't know what's up. They know.

Starting point is 00:27:18 And here's the other thing, Bobby, that you should do, put out a sexual vibe. Look at the calendar I handed you. If you're coming to that guy's hotel room, you don't think you're sucking his dick? Oh, I get it. See, I've put it out. You love animals?

Starting point is 00:27:32 Exactly. You love the animal. Yeah, yeah. I've put it out into the world that this is what I'm into. And if you're responding to it, we all know the score. Let me ask you, Andrew. But don't you get it though? Like, this is what I say to you.

Starting point is 00:27:46 I was once like you. I was as a youth. I don't know why the fuck. Honestly, I don't expect you to fuck so much more. I'm saying I see it in you. I see pussy getting in you. Yep. I really do.

Starting point is 00:27:59 You know, but I'll be honest with you. Can I say something? Please. I'm more of a relationship guy. Are you? Or is that where you're telling yourself? Oh, interesting. Interesting.

Starting point is 00:28:07 Interesting. Interesting. I like this. And you might be. Ultimately, you might be. But I think also you wouldn't mind getting pussy a lot for six months. Does that sound bad? It does.

Starting point is 00:28:17 It does. It sounds good. But seeing 24 different tits in a six month period, does that sound bad to you? Yeah. But can I say something? It's just that I think it's me. I get weirded out by people.

Starting point is 00:28:32 You know what I mean? And they'll say certain things and I'll just get weirded out and I can't do it. OK. I think I'm just a weird guy. What do you mean? You are a weird guy, for sure. But you can't fuck. No.

Starting point is 00:28:42 It's like, you know, I've never seen Star Wars. That will form me off. If a girl says that. Who cares? You know what I mean? Is this pre or post nutting? Pre. Pre.

Starting point is 00:28:52 Pre. You know, I like deep space. 9th, Star Trek kind of connection. There's plenty. Oh, here's the good dude. You're in luck. Tell me. The Internet is flooded with, like, autistic girls that just realize you could be horny.

Starting point is 00:29:03 Yep. That's everywhere. Oh, spectrum. It's big, dude. Oh, really? Yeah. Can we blow weirded trans girls? A lot of trans girls.

Starting point is 00:29:11 Can we get you on love on the spectrum? Would you do that show? Do you think I have it? No. You got something. I don't know. What do you think I have? Down syndrome?

Starting point is 00:29:19 People think I have 50% Down syndrome. I'm not racist. I know you are. You're a down syndrome. I don't know dude. Yeah, you I watch that show none of them Yeah, deal for me. Yeah, are you into trans girls at all a lot of like there's a lot of sci-fi Trans girls on the internet. I'm serious. What do you mean describe a side? Well, you guys started it It was an Asian thing what trans or sci-fi. No sci-fi combination Honestly both

Starting point is 00:29:46 The combination not your style of Asian, but yeah, you guys started it. That's on you guys Yeah, like a like a chick who's a horse with a dick and like five heads. That's you guys Oh, we did it in animation style though, but but you wanted it to be real. You think so. Yeah, that's why you animate stuff You wish that was real argue that is there is there a is there a like a Korean hentai culture too No, but we but it's not that far away. So you know me in Japan. So it's pretty close Yeah, but those guys Japan fucked your asses. You guys don't like them, right? I saw I saw an anime where they're an octopus. It was fucking, you know, I mean six Japanese girls with each You know, I mean, yeah tentacle, right? That's a class. If I saw that in real life. I would just be like

Starting point is 00:30:36 You don't know you're in that situation All right, right once you've called the Coast Guard, then you're like, oh, they're on their way. Well, all right I've done my due diligence They're coming at the same time whether I bust or not, right? Who am I hurting? Sometimes you just want to see an anime. I get it. Yeah. All right. So how about this? Let's get back to square one Okay, well, of course Enough information. Yeah, what do you think is the the key nugget for why he pulls and what do you think is a key nugget for? Why he pulls I got it for sure. All right, stop. Give it to him. Do you want to go first? Why don't you go?

Starting point is 00:31:08 Go ahead. Okay. Thank you. I think by just being a cute little guy cute little guy. It's a sort of little stature No, I just mean Spiritually, he could be he could be six eight. He'd be a cute little guy, right? You know what I mean? He's got like a especially the relationship thing now Is it maybe a bit of a crutch because I was that guy when I couldn't when I was I didn't believe my I don't want to put Myself out there. I'm telling you. I don't know. Can I just say something right now? Yeah, stop there, dude. Okay You're beginning to piss me off Because of my accuracy

Starting point is 00:31:40 Bullseye You're acting as if you're above me. I a little I know but this is my fucking house I Okay What I'm telling you is I When I college girlfriend, why did I only fuck one girl in college? Could I fuck more? Yes? I didn't want to put myself out there. I didn't want to get rejected. So I slowly built up this

Starting point is 00:32:14 This relationship and yeah, was it meaningful because I you know, I fell in love all this stuff Yes, but also it was safer. My feelings didn't get hurt I didn't make a move until I was like a thousand percent sure this girl liked her Right and there is a little bit of that to being like now. Some people are just serial monogamous, right? Is that what you really are or do you just not want to because rejection does hurt bro? I was at the comedy store a month ago. He's asking. There was a girl in the audience, right? She was super hot, right? I wrote a letter a letter I

Starting point is 00:32:48 Took out a pen. Yeah, I went to the office and I wrote a letter you typed it. No, I just wrote it down Bobby What you don't write? Yes, I swear. I got it. You can you can one of these guys Carlos probably wrote it for you No, no, no, no, you penned it. So you can call or a man us right now and ask him about the letter a handwritten note I will say a letter. I put boxes. Okay, go Oh, that's cute. Do you like me? Yes or no, whatever. You know, what did it say? It says hi. I think you're cute. Do you like me? Yes or no? Who is this to the girl from the audience? All right, so go on and I go here's my phone number You know, man, I don't normally do this right number and ask Ari

Starting point is 00:33:25 I gave it to her. She went she gave it a face like Yeah, and I see her reading in the audience She folded back up and I'm sitting in the bath back booth and I saw her drop it on the floor Brutal. Did that hurt? Yeah. No. Yeah, you're lying. Yeah I still gave it a shot. Yeah, you have to I do do it. That's step one though. Oh, there's more steps You gotta say you gotta look her in the eyes when you ask. That's right Oh, so I thought the letter was bad letter was bad But because you know what I would have to wait to the end of the show, you know, you don't want to wait

Starting point is 00:33:58 No, sure or you have to sit by the women's bathroom to see if they get up You tried to get her to you tried to get her in the middle of the show she paid money for you were like You want to get at it? I was first You watch 12 minutes of comedy My number I go like later. Yeah, I mean and I go and so she never called and she dropped the thing Well, I would say a lot of in it's okay If you're not a conventionally attractive man a conventionally handsome man, but you are someone think I Think I'm a very handsome. Okay. My friend Holly's here. She thinks I've heard Holly

Starting point is 00:34:34 You think I'm handsome Thank you. Do you employ her by any chance? No, no, no, no, she's but she is blind Thank you. No, she thinks you're handsome. He or attractive. He wasn't saying it He's saying conventionally, which means a vast majority of the public would agree That means like like Brad Pitt is conventionally hot We just all know no matter who you are no matter how straight you are you'd go that guy's hot It just doesn't matter what I'm saying is you are your cute guy, but also what's gonna put you over the top is your vibes Yeah, but okay, you have you have

Starting point is 00:35:11 Isolated you've basically taken away your biggest advantage with that letter because the fucking the person-to-person contact is what you have going for You can I may listen up, dude. That's true. Thank you. Okay First of all, he's right. He might be fuck you because you're like magnetic personality Can I make an argument though? Please sure. All right. I had already crushed No, you got the vibe. No, no, no, but that wasn't for her. That was for everybody He's saying you got attention on her and you're right though You you need to convert that you're exactly you've done the hard part You've made the the nice first impression. You just go in with any kind of bullshit conversation

Starting point is 00:35:46 You'll know if she wants to fuck you or not. Yeah, have a have a bullshit head. What's up? How's your day anything? I don't want to fuck first night. She may not want to either But maybe it's just putting out the vibe weird. I don't say you know, okay. That's fine. That's fair fine Yeah, I don't know We have a philosophical difference here. Also some women are crazy. You don't know in On the surface you're like, oh, she's a Christian, but like she's a crazy person in behind those doors Yeah, they'll spit in your face and like you know means choke me Every girl I like to be choked in the last in the last year that choking is a that's a cultural standard

Starting point is 00:36:25 It's an American culture. It is. Yeah, is would that still be considered Christian now? Oh, yeah No, but I love I love missionary. That's my favorite position Sure, it's choking in the Bible ask if choking's in the Bible. I bet you how many choking how many girls are into it 80% of women I want your hand around their neck at some point. Are you being real? That's what the internet says I know but here's my thing. It's like let me okay. I'm Talk me through this. Yeah Right, okay. I'm doing my favorite position missionary. Yeah, right and I'm looking at her not her favorite But go ahead. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't matter. No, I know it's what you want. Yeah, I get it in

Starting point is 00:37:05 You know how you do and no you know me two different guys You don't stick it in well, you got to be so close to get it all the way You're in do it again. Sorry. Go ahead. Sorry. You're fucking right. So I'm fucking right. All right, right Yeah, do you have a secret move in missionary? Do you do anything special? I do this move So then I'll do that move right and then I'll go and then so my mind I'm like, okay I'm gonna do the choking 80%. I mean, what could go wrong? 80%? What could go wrong? So let me ask you my question Do you go right? Yeah, or do you like kind of move your hand up on the shoulder? You do a shoulder. He knows and then you just

Starting point is 00:37:47 Okay, I got her on the neck and how hard do you squeeze pretty hard as you can Wait you squeeze as hard as you can pretty well pretty hard. You don't seem like you have strong hands What I don't think I think it would take a while for you to suffocate a woman I squeeze my you know, that's that's another risk. Squeeze my wrist. Like it's a neck. That's another attack. That's another attack Why do you side with him? You see you're Oh, so you have more choking of strength. I have big fat fucking hands. Yes. I'll give you that. I have meaty workman's hand All right, my father was a carpenter. His father was a construction worker. My dad was blue collar as well

Starting point is 00:38:24 What did he do? He hit you He hit me in my mouth He worked on him in his room all day long He hit you still Yeah, yeah, no, but what he's saying to you is go crazy. Go crazy. Have fun first night missionary choke. Bobby, you deserve it I'll go to prison No jury on earth is convicted in that little face You give him those puppy dog eyes

Starting point is 00:38:52 Ah, I see I see I see I see I see I see. Ready. Say what? I'm the judge. I'm the judge. Yeah. Yeah, and you're defending yourself Right. Okay. Mr. Lee. Yeah. Yeah. We saw that you choked out a woman nearly to death. How do you how do you please? Not guilty. Look at his hands. Do with an accent. How do you plead? Oh, I have an accent. How do you plead Bobby Lee? I'm not guilty. Oh, they're getting out of here. He's good. Why am I high pitched? He's good to go. No, because you all you all got to go high pitched. That makes you sweet and innocent Right, because there's a several different Asian accent. Let me try to blow pitch. See how that works. All right Mr. Lee, you you choked a girl almost to death. How do you plead? Look at his hands. Oh Lock him up. Yeah, I have no strength in his hand though. No, I don't mind like you run a dojo

Starting point is 00:39:34 So it's more like, you know, it's more like, look at the hand. How do I talk? I don't know. I see. I don't know. I want you to I want you to try a stave method. In fact, I've said this to you before we've had this conversation I wish stave wrote a book on the stave method of how to do all this shit sexually And I want people to try you know, you know the game I'm thinking about it the hard dick warriors way I'm thinking about it. I'll read it. I'll be the first guy Yeah Remember that the game Neil Strauss We talked about this. I was like, why would hasn't someone done that? That was 20 years ago. I met that guy

Starting point is 00:40:11 Right, Neil Strauss. I met him. But that was 20 years ago. How come no one's done a book like that? Yes, why would you do that? Mine is not The it's not like focused around tricking women. That's psychological trick yours is just here's a here's a way to do this And to do it cool without being annoying. Yeah, yeah, absolutely Like in this in that book, right that stop Strauss book. Yeah, my roommate my my first roommate in LA read the There's a thing where it's like if you're at a bar, right and you see four girls You look at the one that's hot

Starting point is 00:40:39 But then you make But then you make fun of the one that's hot to the to the little and then you hit on the other ones Is that one of the moves? Yeah, that never worked for me. Listen. Listen. That's not in the hard dick warriors Well, I'm with the hard dick warriors way. Would you go up there? You start having a good time with the whole crew Whoever gives you the vibe you fuck her Yeah, that's it. Oh you let them decide for you Right I was in Seattle and I hung out with this group of friends

Starting point is 00:41:03 I couldn't I think I could have fucked like three of them and then we just we just stayed out all night And I was like god, it's like fucking it's 3 a.m. We're just drinking in a public park You know, it was fun. It was a good time and then I just couldn't really I couldn't really make a move. We were all having a good time and then we just were walking away And just the one closest to me. I was like I want to come back to my hotel room and she was like Yeah That was it. That's so good. I had a nice night with all of them because a master. That's the hard dick warriors

Starting point is 00:41:33 I'm your student. You're right. You know what? You just convinced me. I love this. I'm gonna get you so much But can I say this? Yeah You're the master And it can I be your number one student? Absolutely. So basically when you have a class and you people walk in the dojo I'm like next to you And also I want to like you're in the center Your need for validation is not going to get in the way you get in pussy. What your need for validation is going to get in the Way you're getting pussy, but just for this one thing. No, can't do it. Yeah, give me a different bell too

Starting point is 00:42:00 No, you don't get a different bell. I see why you don't fuck now. I can see it right now. I'm not asking for a black Stripe if I was a woman Here's what had just happened. I was the woman that was about to fuck you. Yeah, and now I'm out You know, let me get that. I'll just attend your class. I don't care what but Listen, look at that. Also, can I tell the other guys? I know him. No, Bobby. You can't Listen, you can't but it's a risk. If it gets back to me, you're fucked You're the man, right? Yeah, don't tell him Don't ever tell him about it. Oh, fuck me

Starting point is 00:42:35 Stavros the hard dick warrior. Yeah, you know this guy. Oh, yeah. Okay. Hold on Excuse me. Mr. Stavros. This guy says he knows you Bobby Zip and now you got to do something for me. Oh, no, you got to suck him, dude You know what dude? If he was the master, I would suck him I would suck him for the fight. I know you just said I was the master You are the master. You are the master. You know what? Well, guess what? That's the hard dick warrior's way Well, let me ask you, I'm a kid. I'm not me, right? I'm a kid, right? You're the master, right? Yeah

Starting point is 00:43:07 And I'm like, don't say kid. What do you mean? You're just a man, maybe I'm 18. Okay Hey, how about Furby? It's my character. Okay, VU My name is Clippy. Hey, Clippy. You're the Microsoft Clippy thing. I'm Clippy Johansson. Clippy Johansson. All right. Hey, master. Hey, Clip. My name's Clippy Johansson. I know you've been in my class for months now. I love it. Thank you so much. Thanks for signing my book. Anyway, um, Yeah, you know, um Women, you know, I've used I've applied your rules to women's situations, you know

Starting point is 00:43:38 And um, it doesn't take, you know, they don't like me and I just want to I just want to bash them over there. No, no. Clippy. Clippy. Come on. Jesus. Clippy. Yeah Yeah, but you but what I'm saying is some of these incels, right? You will have them in your class Sure. And the resort to violence. What do you say? Well, we kick them out. Hopefully we don't get they don't get to violence, right? All right. Here's the thing about the hard dick warriors way getting pussy is a small amount of it It really is. You're blowing my mind. It really is. Is there money you can you learn? You can teach us how to make money too. With three easy payments of 49.99 I can tell you the rest. Draft King Sportsbook

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Starting point is 00:46:49 You're not gonna you're not you're putting out bad vibes. It's all a vibes based philosophy, right? So you got to take care of your own shit. Yeah, and once you start progressing on anything Clippy right whatever clippy's up to What are you trying to work on clippy? Hey, man, I'm just I you know what master. I'm trying to improve my vibe And that's why I'm doing this Get rid of that. Oh, how about the how about the can live just you don't need hands up. Yeah. Yeah. I love rock We all do That's the kkk. Oh, that's kkk. Oh shit my bad. Yeah, so I'm just trying to work on my vibes your vibes. Okay, but do you have um

Starting point is 00:47:27 I don't know. What do you read a book? Okay here? I read your book audio book No, but I love your voice. That's why Good job on narrating. Thank you. Clippy. Are you trying to fuck the hard dick? I'm not gay man. I'm not gay man. No, no, no, it's cool. Are you? It's all right if you are. Yeah Actually, if you are that would help us out a lot Getting cock is so much easier You know what on a deserted island. I would fuck you. Can you imagine a book a book about getting cock?

Starting point is 00:47:56 The first page just say go out and that's it. Yeah Leave the house. Yeah, but like how do I improve my vibe, uh, master? Well, well clippy and this is uh, it's very Very healthy that you have to keep doing characters to ask me questions You're clearly you're just wondering Yeah Uh, there's there's something you want to work on. Do you want to go to the gym? Do you want to read a book? Do you want to become a cinephile? You know what I mean? Are there are there movies you want to check out?

Starting point is 00:48:25 The more you start feeling like you're improving in your life the more confidence that'll give you And that will improve your vibe and sometimes give you something to talk about clip That's interesting. You got some good stuff there clip. Thank you so much master. No problem corby. Yeah 49.99 That's interesting to me. That's how that's how those that's how those big church people work though It's brilliant Like that guy did you see this clip that went around the internet about one of the evangelical guys that he was talking about? How expensive his watch was he was like dude. It's so funny to their face

Starting point is 00:48:56 He's like this watch this watch is more than my first house and they're cheering. They're like Yeah, the prosperity gospel. He goes this is this is 89. These guys drive me thousand dollars. I know it's insane I respect it. It's such an incredible racket. By the way, they bought into it I think it's that guy Kenneth Copeland. Maybe that's the guy, but it's like I don't feel bad for those fucking people. They bought into the system. Yeah, they're paying to be there He's being blatant about it. He's just like listen I'm stealing money from you And they're like, yeah, fucking jesus christ. This could be you someday

Starting point is 00:49:29 But you know what I do want to do with you though while they're googling Yeah, is that guy that you know the guy that um takes he's like an exorcist So he goes to like, you know, you see that he goes to the midwest. It's on youtube and they fucking oh here it is Let's see. Look at this. Watch this talk in demonic voice. Okay. Watch this Yeah, I'm hesitant to say I don't want to say god. I'm gonna get all kind of crazy like people fight You'll have jewelry cost more in your house God damn to their fucking they're clapping I'm telling you listen to me

Starting point is 00:49:57 I'm I'm telling you my first house costs 14,700 dollars. I'm giving you a chance to write you check out 14,700 my second house cost 81,900 dollars and this watch costs more than that God, he's awesome. He's the best Are you gonna write me another letter? I can really give you They're not good, but they're powerful. That's insane bro to laugh at it To be like this is more than all of you making six years It's the best and the laugh and then the congregation's like

Starting point is 00:50:30 It's the best that's the correct that that to me I don't blame them at all. I don't blame him at all. If you're buying into that, you're a fucking fool I mean, that's america ship dude. I don't mean to get all fucking give it to me college Give it to me. Give it to me, but that is the thing. It's like, you know Everyone every poor motherfucker thinks they're gonna be a billionaire, right? So you never you never want to hold them accountable She's like, well when I'm ultra rich. I'll do that. I want to do that. Well, that's like that. What's a guy's like a Gary V It's like there's there's a there's a what's the other guy's name that does that a lot? Grant Cardone

Starting point is 00:51:04 There's like a group of guys online that are like if you're not fucking hustling if you're not making fucking six million a year You're a fucking worthless piece of shit You're a fucking fat loser Shit and your wife is ugly and your kids are fucking dumb fucks Make six mil or kill yourself dog Yeah, Gary V. It was his dad's liquor store that he like took over is that his thing? Yeah Yeah, well, but this thing it's like he's like I was he tells people I worked at a liquor store And it's like no you owned it you owned the liquor store like that that is the big difference

Starting point is 00:51:34 I can't not make fun of this guy because he's like, no, I mean you're still it's like fucking you got to fucking sell your shoes He was big on nfts too, which which turned out to be a real fucking Yeah, yeah, that's a real fucking scam that dude that was that I walked with a buddy of mine the other day I was taking a walk having coffee with a friend and he stopped me and he goes dude I can't I can't be happier Then realizing how good it is to be behind the times when it comes to nfts because he was like he didn't buy into crypto nfts He was like man. Am I a dummy on behind the times? He's like I've never been happier to be behind the times type of guy

Starting point is 00:52:08 Who didn't get fucked like people that bought like 50 grand worth of uh board ape shit and now it's worth like six bucks Dumb ass fucking that sucks and Justin Bieber and all those guys are getting sued. You know this fdx because they they paid them Right to to fucking basically promote it. It's basically shorting a stock It's like inflating inflating inflating to me like fuck you take all the money and then they leave Paris Hilton says it's good Yeah, yeah, so I think it must be fucking good. You remember that that video of jimmy found and Paris Hilton Plugging their board apes no on the tonight show. Yeah, no Oh, I think yeah for real and it was the most awkward. They clearly didn't believe it right They did it on the tonight show. It was fucking crazy, dude

Starting point is 00:52:47 But yeah, this I mean, it's all it's all such fucking dog shit And it's the only the only reason it happens because of life in America is such dog shit that you're like, well, maybe Everybody wants to hit the everybody wants to hit the lotto because it's all or nothing here There's no good quality of life anymore, right? No middle no middle class. We gotta change the culture then guys. I agree You know what don't you know, right? This is capitalism cannot be the main now. Shut the fuck up. You're right. You're right Capitalism isn't the thing. It's the fucking it's the fact that people are being sold so many lies. That's the problem It is religion used to be capitalism, right? It's the thing that controls the masses, right dumb people Stop it. What I mean, religion or people

Starting point is 00:53:28 Religion, okay, and now they use capitalism to do it into enslave us all and we just got to figure out How did just, you know, I agree with you Bob come free. Yeah, how do you become free? Don't do the gadgets don't buy You do all of it. You're smoking a vape. I bought seven hundred dollars worth of fucking shoes today. Yeah, you're smoking a vape with an i-phone I'm a slave! I'm telling you I'm a slave! I don't want to be a slave anymore. You're not a slave. You're not a slave. Yeah, I am. No, you're not. Yeah, because it's like there's somebody like you're free. He's in a nice cage. I was playing Tetris and watching E-Space 9 on Star Trek Right the other day, right? I was doing something else. I was listening to music on the night Can you imagine how offensive it is to slaves to say that you're a slave while you huff a vape and play video games for nine hours a day? I know Bob, I'm just saying, I'm saying I'm, you know what I mean, I want to get up. I want to wake up

Starting point is 00:54:11 Wake up! Yeah, and I want to be a zombie anymore. I text you at 2 p.m. Wake up. You're not up. And I want to wake up though. I so do, do, do. Lies. I do. Okay, you know what? Yeah, then you talk that talk? Yeah, talk that shit. We're gonna go worse. I like being slaves Because if I ask you to go for a hike in the morning, you'll you would you'll never It's so ridiculous when you say stuff like that. It's not. I've been on the Peloton so many times. When? How many? This week. Every day. I can't sleep without it. How many hours a day? I do 45 minutes. What do you mean you can't sleep without it? I need to exercise during the day or I don't feel tired at night to go to sleep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I took my stuff out. We're gonna go hiking this weekend. I love to. No, no, no, we're doing it. Okay? We want to go one hill. We're doing the hard one. Me, you and Marin are gonna go do the hard one. I'm not doing the Marin one. Yes, you are. I'm not doing the Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. Yes, you are. No, no, no, no. That's the white one.

Starting point is 00:55:07 Huh? There's an Asian one. There's a Korean hill. There's a Korean hill over there. Yeah, over there at the Potapagat. They got Korean bitches out there. In Korea town, you can just go from like driving range to driving range to Korean barbecue place. No, it's like Wilshire to Olympic to, you know what I mean? It's like there's a street. You are from Cho San Gobi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you want to go, well, you never invited me to go hiking. Can I get some fucking help? Do not help. Let me say something right now, alright? You guys work for me too. Right? This is not the way to go about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to fix your ride. We work together, right? So don't fucking, you can't start talking about how bad capitalism is. And then you're like, I'm your boss. Yeah, that's what he does. Body has changed. There we go. He's a morning person now. What? What? He's a morning person now. Oh, wow. I'm a morning person now. That's what he said. What time are you waking up? I woke up today. Noon. Noon, yeah. That isn't the morning. The morning's over by noon. No, I woke up at nine in the morning. To what? To piss? No. And I tried to lay back, I couldn't make it to sleep. That's because your body woke you up to go, hey, we're supposed to get up now. That's okay. And you still were like, no, no, no, no, no. I tried. I went, no, no, no, but then you said, yes, yes. And I got up. What's your schedule stop? It's all over the place right now because I'm traveling so fucking much. You're not a guy who, I feel like you're not like a, you're not, you're not like, oh, I slept in till fucking 2pm. No, I can't anymore. I mean, I've been sober on this leg of the tour because the last one fucked me up so bad.

Starting point is 00:56:44 Yeah. So I try and get, like today, for example, got up, fucking shredded my fucking buys and tries, worked out at the hotel gym. And then I got a little smoothie. And then I've just been doing fucking pods and shit all day. Okay. What's your bad boy meal on the road that you know you're not supposed to have, but you do have it? You're like, I don't give a fuck. I gotta have it. It's my bad boy meal. My bad boy meal. What's your little naughty boy meal? I love, I mean, honestly, this, this trip, I have fallen off the wagon because the end is in sight. Like next week, I had so much, I launched this podcast, I did Rogan last week, I did fucking, I'm here to do like a bunch of other LA shows. And then I go straight to Vermont to do six shows. And then I have to do four fucking episodes of my podcast, and then I'm off for like four weeks. Yeah. So it's like a busy thing. So I did relapse. I because I was just so overworked. And last night I hit the classic like, just make a fucked up dessert out of whatever's in the, in the hotel mini like front, you know what I mean? In the front zone where they had a little peanut M&M, I did a little peanut M&M's Rice Krispie treat like fucking. I would, I would personally created double like M&M, and then I put a little ball of Rice Krispie around it. How did they not sell that?

Starting point is 00:58:07 I was in there doing a fat boy, you know, confectionary. When you, when you're eating a fat boy confectionary? After hitting a, I was walking around the neighborhood after hitting a Shake Shack, by the way. Good boy, God bless. So I did have a, a single though. When you eat in bed like that, you're in the bed, yes? I was on the couch. Okay, so can I say this? This honestly, I think what, what Thwart's real bad boy fat boy stuff is being out of the bed.

Starting point is 00:58:31 Gotta be out of the bed. If you can do it on the couch or in the chair, in the computer chair. It does something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It changes how much more you're going to eat. Oh, yeah. Because when I would be on the road at the beginning, and I gained like 12 pounds last, what, last year on the road is because I would eat in bed. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:46 In bed, you're like, it's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay. Because it's comfort zone. Well, once you've crossed that Rubicon, you're fucked. You're fucked. You're fucked. Absolutely fucked.

Starting point is 00:58:55 And until this week, I did have a, like I was actually pretty strict about my road schedule. I'd wake up early, work out, I'd go on a walk, write. I would actually prepare, and then I would fucking take a nap, look over my notes again, and do that. But like the last, last like couple weeks, I'm so. But you're the end is near for you. The end is near. It's fine. And then we're getting another fucking big ass tour.

Starting point is 00:59:18 Fat rascal tour, folks. Go to the fat, go watch the fat rascal. We're in theaters, baby. We're selling tickets out there. We're going to. The Bad Friends Tour is about to be announced. We're inches away. In fact, we already have a couple of dates that we're going to do.

Starting point is 00:59:30 We're doing Vancouver. We're doing just for laughs in Vancouver. Are you coming? March and April. No, he's not. It's Carlos is coming. Who's our guy? Wilson Carlos.

Starting point is 00:59:38 Can we say why you're not coming? Yeah, we said it already. We did, right? Why? Yeah. Small fuck is about to be a papa. Congratulations. Thanks to be a papa.

Starting point is 00:59:46 Mazel tov. Well, I'll come a couple of days. It's going to be legal. It's Davos. Yes. Savros. Yeah. What podcast did you do earlier today?

Starting point is 00:59:55 I was actually on my friend Hassan's stream. Oh, really? Yeah. Who else this week have what have you done? My brogan came out today. I did Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan. I did.

Starting point is 01:00:08 I did Fred Rogan. Oh, I love that guy. Yeah. He's a he's a he's an eclairs podcast. Right. The question is clear. Is this your favorite one so far? I'm having a blast on this one.

Starting point is 01:00:17 Yes. No other you've not had fun as much fun as this one. No, this is this is so much fun. We come in here. Well, because we get you pussy. We figure out. I learned so much from you. He brings us cookies.

Starting point is 01:00:28 We get you pussy. Yeah. Yeah. I want honestly, I want you to fuck. So like it was so deep in my soul. Truly. I really want it. Why did you roll your eyes?

Starting point is 01:00:37 I've done it so many times. Yeah. But there's something I'm so good in there. No. Here's the thing. It's so fucking funny that you say that because every girl looks at me and goes, that's surprisingly good. I didn't say one word.

Starting point is 01:00:51 Yeah. Like Carl Lewis level. Carl Lewis, the sprinter. Yeah. Athleticism. You know, you could you could have said somebody from this from the last 20 years. I'll give it. Usain Bolt is like the fastest man on earth.

Starting point is 01:01:05 I don't like him. Michael Richards. Michael Richards. The swimmer. Michael, you do a Michael Richards bit right after you come. But anyway, I'm very good. No, no, but I'm sensing something. What is it?

Starting point is 01:01:18 I don't know. I don't like it. But I'm right. Go ahead. You know what you don't like? How I could have been so far this whole time. Be honest. I don't even know you personally.

Starting point is 01:01:27 We just met. This is the first time, for the viewers and listeners, the first time we ever even talked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And already we have this like. We have a bond. It's a bond, but it's also a clash. It's not a clash. Oh, you're a bond?

Starting point is 01:01:38 Listen, once this is, I think this is how you are. Right? Once you thrash around a little bit, you'll realize how close we are. Yeah. Okay. Let me see. Let me just figure that out. You know what he's doing?

Starting point is 01:01:50 What's that? You know when they say when somebody's like falling off of a raft or something and they they thrash in the water because they're, but if they realize that they sit still, they won't drown. Right. It's this that causes the drowning. Yeah. Or the feet.

Starting point is 01:02:03 My feet can actually touch the ground. Yeah. Your snow. Oh, that's right. Overhouse. No. So I'm splashing around, right? I'm not drowning.

Starting point is 01:02:11 But listen, just stop splashing. All right. Relax. Can I do the splashing first though real quick? Go ahead. Go ahead. Close your eyes. Close your eyes.

Starting point is 01:02:20 Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. That's racist. The arms are open. That's the lighting. Close your eyes.

Starting point is 01:02:28 Okay. Relax. They're closed. Good bit. It's a good bit. Honestly, good bit. Old school bit. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:36 Listen. All right. Listen. You're the lifeguard. You're the lifeguard. Sir. Sir. Sir.

Starting point is 01:02:44 Stop. Yeah. Listen to the hard dick warrior. All I'm saying is, Bob, there is something in you, right? Keep your eyes closed. You're not dictating the amount you want to fuck. Wow. Now, the amount you want to fuck could be small.

Starting point is 01:02:57 You might not want to fuck that much, but I don't think you're deciding. I think you're a prisoner to some outside forces that I can't. Look at him. Wow. You're back-stroking. You thought you were dying. Now you're butterflying through the ocean. Water my mouth.

Starting point is 01:03:13 Michael Phelps. Yeah. Water my mouth. Can you believe how good you're doing? You're doing so good. I'm doing great. You're doing so good. All it took was words of affirmation.

Starting point is 01:03:21 Thank you, Savrov. In my head. That's great. It's amazing. You're right. You know, we do have a bond that will never be broken. It will never be broken. Never ever.

Starting point is 01:03:29 Ever again. For the rest of the time. I love it. For this, can I get your number? You can, actually. That's a real test. This is how it works. You honestly can.

Starting point is 01:03:38 And will you pick up if he calls you? I will. I will. Yeah. This dude's a loyal motherfucker. Yeah. You know what, dude? Let me say something, bud.

Starting point is 01:03:46 Please. All right. And this has only happened a couple of times in my life. Sure. Maybe 10 times. But I've met a lot of people. Yeah. I've met thousands of people.

Starting point is 01:03:54 Instantly cheapens whatever that means. I know, but it's like, if you know how many people I've met, right? Weird bragging. Millions. Only 10 times. Yeah. Where I went instantly and went, you know what? This guy is somebody I'm going to know for the rest of my life.

Starting point is 01:04:08 That's what I like to hear. Yeah. Yeah. We'll be there. Yeah. It's pretty good. He's got it like that. I'll be there, dude.

Starting point is 01:04:16 I love hairy thumbs. I don't have hairy thumbs. No, but your body is like a hairy thumb. Like it's just like one thing. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? With hair. It's great.

Starting point is 01:04:27 He's just sexy. You know, like the thing, like that? What's that? Cousin it. Cousin it. You've shaved him down a little bit. It's cousin they. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:35 Oh, cousin they. My bad. Yeah. Look, can I show you? I've always, I've been in love with Stavros for a long time. And we've just gotten to know each other in the recent years. But I will say this, when I saw this, look up Stavros toothless. This is where I learned to fall in love with this guy.

Starting point is 01:04:50 I'm dead serious. I go images. I saw him on the internet post a clip like this. Oh, yeah. There it is. Bald with his tooth out. Yeah. Two years.

Starting point is 01:05:00 And I was like, dude, I love this guy. That's a good look. That was a power. Tell him what happened. I had something called tooth resorption. And the final thing that took my tooth was I cracked it on the chicken wing. Pretty, pretty like wing or. The bone.

Starting point is 01:05:15 Wing or wing. Was it a wing or drumstick? I believe it was. Flatty. We are winging. Yeah. I believe so because I ate the rest of it by peeling off the wing and like throwing it into the back of my mouth and gingerly chewing.

Starting point is 01:05:27 Like I was in excruciating pain, but I was only like three wings out of a 10 wing order in. So I finished it. Yeah, you're not gonna stop. You lose a tooth like that. Do you do you get upset? Like, oh my God, I'm a comic. I'm on TV.

Starting point is 01:05:40 I mean, does that bump you out or not? He put a bit up on TV with it. That's what I get. That's what I'm saying. No, I thought it was awesome. I was I was actually stoked to do it to have a bid on with no tooth. I was actually pissed. I was supposed to fill my half hour in May 2020 and it was going to I was going to fix

Starting point is 01:05:56 my tooth right after it. And I was like, that'll be awesome. My half hour. I'll be. Yes. And then the pandemic happened. And then you guys fucked it all up. But otherwise it was good.

Starting point is 01:06:05 Before that it was late. I don't know. Oh, come on. Just for the listeners. You guys know what you did. If we're not watching on listeners from Wuhan, I want to hear what the thing is. So what do you imagine? Wuhan is tuned in.

Starting point is 01:06:18 We didn't do that. All right. Yeah. Do you remember the videos from like Wuhan, like because they all followed directions in a year and they're having like music festivals and shit? Yeah. We were like, what the fuck? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:32 Yeah. It was like half of the world was like, dude, all you got to do is chill for one minute and then you'll be all good. And we were like, fuck that shit. We prohibition that shit. We kept it moving. Fuck it, dude. Sneak it under the floorboards.

Starting point is 01:06:44 That's true. This is when I this is when I was like, oh man, I knew exactly who you were in terms of like how if there's something about comics, some comics, and you embody this for real, you are extremely funny standup comic. I am kissing your ass. Thank you, brother. But also because I think not taking yourself that serious is important. So if you can kind of fucking, if you can get to a level where you let yourself kind

Starting point is 01:07:08 of not give a shit like that, you're in a great, you're in the free world. The great, the great, the worst thing that will ever happen to me is that I was never toothless with a bald ponytail. That sucks. That sucks. That really sucks. Yeah. I'm never going to get toothless again.

Starting point is 01:07:28 I mean, it was nice. I had a nice run. Yeah. One of my dad's buddies growing up, he was bald with a ponytail. My greater brother. Bald with a ponytail is clutch. Power move. It's a kind of guy.

Starting point is 01:07:36 Power move. It's a power move. But by the way, you do have to, then everything else, your clothing, the car you drive, you have to be that guy. You kind of have to be. Look at that guy. No, no. Should I do that?

Starting point is 01:07:46 Dude, I would fucking love it if you did that shit. I've always wanted to do that. Go down one and over to the left two, up, up, left, left, that guy in a business suit. This guy. Business suit, bald ponytail. Big dick. So awesome. Big dick?

Starting point is 01:08:01 Huge. Oh, huge dick. Big dick is different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. This guy is such a fucking huge dick. Yeah, yeah. It's almost like rude.

Starting point is 01:08:09 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where women are like, come on, Michael. Right. It's absurd. I got to stretch before we fuck every time. Yeah. I got to fucking. I'll say I'm a casual fuck.

Starting point is 01:08:18 This guy is like, no way, baby. It's like, are people having beads in the area? They probably have beads and stuff like he doesn't give a fuck. This guy. Like that. Okay, go straight down the white shirt. You see the guy down, down, down, down one, over to the right, three. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:31 Okay, so this guy. I've been behind this guy at a concert and I swear to God, and everybody at home knows he is with the hottest non-white chick. Always. Always. Always. It's a hot non-white chick. But also age appropriate.

Starting point is 01:08:44 Yes. also taller like a Nigerian woman this guy this guy is 64 she's 50 and fucking a smoke yeah yeah yeah she's thin big tits she's wearing heels on the grass she's I would even say she's a little older she might be them by bear she's like 58 right right right because he has money or is it because he fucks good I'll be real for the first for the first time for the first time I was born with vibes exactly why are you blocking your own I'll tell you what you're standing in the way of your own vibe right I walked around places just wandering around you

Starting point is 01:09:27 know I like to wander yeah but you know I don't like exercising that much more more wandering okay but I've been in like malls and people walk up to me goes hey you want to be in my movies stuff like that you have that ability yeah it is sleep in my eye you know I'm doing a little you know I mean a little you know exactly yeah yeah uncork it you're battling it up oh I am you are I see with these little fucking notes can I tell you something what he just said well if you put out an album or a special in the next couple years it's got to be called uncorked uncorked is really good so

Starting point is 01:10:06 good he's telling you take it out let it fly my favorite sound by the way it's part of it do it again love it I told you this oh I told you this off I told off air he wasn't here for this but I have I had a friend who told me that they were offered a bunch of money a ton of money to let a guy fuck him I'm sorry to fuck a guy to peg a guy in the ass for a clip load of money and she's contemplating whether or not she should do it no physical touch no nothing like that if your girlfriend or wife yeah said hey this guy is gonna pay me me it's me hey you what's your girlfriend your girlfriend let's have a single right now

Starting point is 01:11:01 yeah let's just say you have a girlfriend Cynthia right that's a beautiful name oh we love her by the way I love Cynthia it was Cynthia you know I mean um can your girlfriend put on a strap on right see she can be fully clothed right okay and she can no touching no kissing she doesn't have to cut touch no hello right don't even acknowledge my presence right come in and she'll walk into the room I'll be bent over you're on all fours you got a right right I'll be pre-loob too yeah yeah yeah I do my own loop I use coconut cream cream my own spit yeah that's why it's cream yeah it was just I stir it up right and I

Starting point is 01:11:37 stick it right in there right and I've been over no hello she's just got to peg me for like a half an hour half hour yeah 25 grand cash this is your girlfriend your wife personally absolutely I don't give you what you would say if she'd go you'd go babe is that chill if I do that it's for 25k yeah but there's a thing the fact that you actually makes it weird because if you come up to me you're like hey I cannot stop thinking about your wife fucking me in the ass right now if we're strangers without question I don't fuck but if like my friend is like who will seize my wife that's a little but

Starting point is 01:12:13 let's say my wife is just like she has gotten this email from someone like a offer fucked my ass you can wear full you can wear a beekeeper's outfit bring bees what about what about this she's fucking me right yeah I'm staring at your head shot this guy's head shot is amazing yeah this guy's head shot is so good though it's a little bit weird for you or no listen 20 well again do we know each other personally okay but if just some guy wants to look at a picture me like the first one the very first very bad one for sure that's a good one I have that and your wife is okay I get it but not you because I don't

Starting point is 01:12:57 want that would you know the bond we've forged over this you're my sensei you're right you you know I mean it's just disrespectful to you stop let me but a stranger and there's no kissing no no absolute yeah that's okay let me say stop I need to take you get your take on this as a single man yeah I know on the road you've been offered three sums I know it I know couples have been like oh not couples you know what I mean I mean like friends have been like coming about how do you what's your line of with cockery if a guy says listen bro I need you to pump my wife right please come back I'm not gonna touch I'm not

Starting point is 01:13:31 gonna do anything but I'm in the room I don't need him and I can't buddy but he goes I have to be in the room close I'll come to his other room close circuit television but I shut masks I can't do what about man like a phantom of the opera opera how they do it I don't want another Christine I don't want to happen in the moment you cut the moment you call me goes that makes it so you're on the road and it's cut it but so no cockery for you I just I'll fuck another guy's wife yeah but he can't be there I don't want him there but well but what is it though I don't need another masculine presence no no he's not he's

Starting point is 01:14:11 beta beta beta baby there's still it's still another guy okay now I should if your wife left is it two lesbians her butch wife can stay if she's like even if she's we're talking to you and I'll see we're talking off the sitcom prices right drew she could be that type of that's I think I could handle you be down but I just can't have another guy in there could you not do that about this no no could you do cockery if you're on the if we're on the road in the bad friend you and I we're on the road you okay not me I came for you I'm taken what's your name Andrew Santino it's Andrew Santino okay you see you see

Starting point is 01:15:02 what I got on the road and your Santino and Bobby Lee a couple comes up to us okay love you guys it's so fun yeah you want to go for you like a drink or a meal with us and we say you know we're not drinking but maybe we'll go get dinner we go get dinner with this couple yeah because they're both very I already know the answer they're very good looking I already know the answer and the guy says Santino no disrespect I can't you know you're taking it on Bobby I want you to fuck my wife and I want to watch okay what do you say I say this if you laugh it's over you can't laugh you know he's gonna what's a funny

Starting point is 01:15:44 it's not that you're it's not that you're it doesn't matter what it's not that you would say something funny it's not a bro be fair be fair check this out you take your clothes off listen he's immediately gonna go that's really disrespect I'm doing a serious you're getting cucked by cucking he's cucking you he's laughing he's like this guy if I turn around in any movie like like sure it's gonna get a laugh dude holy shit right even when I'm real let's see do it again yeah right that's gonna get a lot a little bit how about this though this is supreme cucking yeah if the guy has him in the room and every move he

Starting point is 01:16:31 does he's like boom that's a cock in a guy's wife and he's laughing there's no low or low no so you're not gonna cuck on the tour you call that a stroke pal use your hips dude he's loosening up your quads I told you I was in the belly room and you know one of the guys that works at the comedy star was with the older porn stars for hot nice yeah and he kept going I go that I could probably do yeah so I just was in the belly room green I don't know they came up there I was there talking to another comic yeah and then this comic left and I was alone with the man that's guy that works there yeah and this girl and then

Starting point is 01:17:18 she gets on her hands and knees and she gets on her knees like this okay right that's your knees right yeah knees like just knees like you said it before what I mean what you said she got on her knees then you did it it is why would you mention that barely changed that's my point all right you haven't been sitting underneath this whole time you know he's like she's on her so she's on her knees like this and then she went like this I walked out of the room no yeah because I didn't want him to watch I okay right that's you don't want him to watch I told you it anyway although is that her I mean yeah I don't want a guy

Starting point is 01:18:08 there but I might in that situation I might just pop myself dick and just just to say that's another alpha so beta it's an alpha move soft dick shit put your soft dick in a woman's mouth and be like nah I got a shit soon how long but let me say that a bunch of killed it you're invited anytime I'd love to let me say this please stop he's got a new podcast out yes please go watch it yeah please do funny as fuck he is funny as fuck plug it stop his world stop his world's on YouTube time everywhere you get podcasts look at that camera go thank you for being a bad friend thank you for being a bad friend

Bad Friends - Bobby Uncorked ft. Stavros Halkias

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