Bad Friends - Bobby vs. Steve Hawking

Episode Date: August 8, 2022

**New Merch** http://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors: Install Raid for Free ☑️ Mobile and PC: https://clik.cc/zkBWB and get a special starter pack 💥 Available only for the next 30 days 💥 & https://betterhelp.com/badfriends & https://hellofresh.com/badfriends16 & download the Viator App and use code: viator10 YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 0:00 Go to http://badfriendsmerch.com & http://www.andrewsantino.com 3:45 Doc's New Aquatic Pentagon UFO Research  9:07 The Sombrero Flying Saucer Lady 15:11 Is Lex Fridman Smarter Than Bobby Lee?  22:25 Your Zombie Apocalypse Leader is Bobby Lee NOT Stephen Hawking 30:45 Savant Etymology, You Can Learn Something On This Show Too! 35:00 The Juice is Here! Jetski Returns From The Pauly Shore Tour 45:30 Doc and Jetski Johnson Bond Over The Comedy Store Lot 53:25 Bobby Lee's Movie With Pauly Shore 1:02:45 Female Advice From the Bad Friends 1:09:05 Richard Pryor & Other Crazy Hollywood Stories More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey! I want to promote a few things. First of all, badfriendsmerse.com. This stuff is on sale, this great hat. We have shirts, we got all sorts of stuff. Go to badfriendsmerse.com to get any of this stuff. And also, Bobby's excited to let you know that I've got some dates coming up

to warm up for my new special. I'm taping an hour. I'm so excited. Aren't you excited for me to do my hour? I'm going to Salt Lake City September 9th and 10th at Brea, the 13th, I'm also adding many more dates. And the special's being shot in Denver, Colorado at the Paramount Theater.

The tickets are going to be available as soon as possible. They might be up now. Go to AndrewSantino.com, AndrewSantino.com. Salt Lake City, come out, Brea, California. Come on out and see me, AndrewSantino.com. I just shot. I just shot this big goon in the face. Well shot, what'd you learn?

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and get a free starter pack worth almost $30, a free champion. And yeah. And also this cool in-game loot. You'll find your rewards here in your inbox for the next 30 days, only. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Woo. A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Woo. You two are something. We're bad friends. Do you feel better when you get like a white limo driver or a white driver?

Do you like that more? Yeah, but I don't like it because whenever, if they know who I am, it's OK. But sometimes, every time, if I get a white driver and they see it's me, they get bummed right away. Why? Because I look like I don't have money. That's true.

Last night, Espy's after-party. By the way, did you watch Espy's? Steph did stand up. Sarah Tiana wrote some of his stuff. Chris Spencer, who else? He crushed, actually. He's a really nice guy. No, but he actually did really well at the Espy's.

Like, he roasted a little bit. It was kind of fun, man. Yeah, because even when I mean Collide did his game show, you know his wife at a game show? He was very funny and loose and a good dude. He was a dope dude. He's a good dude. What?

He's very charismatic. Yeah. He's extreme. That's not your guy, though, like Spudweb. That's your guy? This guy, he walked in this morning. He walked in and was like, he's like, man, do you know what you see what happened with the Pentagon?

And I was like, of course not. And he's like, man, they released a whole new subcategory. Tell them what it is. Oh, so you know how they got the UAP Task Force? So now they opened up an office for anomalous vehicles that's going from space into the water. So they're trying to monitor everything. Oh, they go to water now?

They've been in water. See, that's what I'm talking about. He never even mentioned water. They've been in water. They've been in water. They call it USOs. Unidentified submerged objects. Yeah, the movie's called The Abyss.

I saw it. Yeah, it was good. Yeah, do you like that movie? That was a great movie. It was a good movie. You guys are perfect. You've seen that movie? Assessment, Unidentified Aerial Phenomena.

Is this it? This is what the new thing is? Oh my god, I'm going to go to the docks. It's too much. No, just type in the docks. You know he does this late at night. He's on these docks late at night, docking the dock. What a sad world.

Just type in UFO, and then click on News. Type in UFO News. I can imagine dock with this alien pajama late at night. Alien pajama, Pino, right. Mission to try as media object. Just reading the stuff. It's so sad. It's so sad.

The visual. After only eight months of existence, the Pentagon's office tasked with investigating and tracking UFOs or unidentified aerial phenomena will look beyond the stars for objects of interest. On Wednesday, the Pentagon announced that it renamed and expanded the authority of the government's chief UFO office.

That's someone just got a promotion. Formally known as the Airborne Object Identification and Management Group, or A-O-I-M-G, the office will now be known as the All Domain Anomaly Resolution Office, or A-A-R-O Arrow. I got to be honest with you. All jokes aside right now. All jokes aside, this is going on so under the radar

that a piece of me knows they have so much information. Sure. Honestly. This is, how is this not the front page news that they've slid this under Biden has COVID? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, Biden has COVID, like, big fucking deal.

Everyone has COVID right now. Literally, everybody. How come we don't hear about that? But also, you scared everybody. But Doc, Doc, you got to do it the way they're doing it, because it scares everybody. It should scare everyone. I didn't know what a galaxy was.

Because since I met you, I've been Googling things and trying to learn about it. There's 300 billion planets in our galaxy. Wait, wait. There's 300 billion planets in our galaxy alone? Yeah, I think so. 200 billion. Yeah, 200 billion, yeah.

You're all 500 billion. I don't know. But check this out, right? And then there are 300 million planets that could be like Earth in that 200 billion, right? So and then that's just our galaxy. There's other galaxies. So in my head, I'm like, theoretically, right?

You're right. I mean, the odds, there's got to be other intelligent life on the planet. Right, right. We can't be the only thing. We can't be the only thing. Because we're not that good. Look at us in this room.

Yeah. Can you imagine they came out and saw this room? That's why they haven't been in there. We're so dumb, you know? You know how like the last time we was talking about this and y'all name some of those groups of different species, y'all name?

Yeah. Let's think about this all the time. The tall white. OK, yeah. What else? Name another one? The gray people. Yeah.

Blue man group. OK. Man, you're on some bullshit. That's the fucking. Michael Stipe from R&B. 100% because Michael Stipe. Do you think that you don't think that guy's a fucking? Yeah.

A tall white? Verne Troyer was definitely. Right? RIP. RIP. Definitely was. So let's just say this. Let's say, let's pretend right now that those are all real.

They are. Yeah, they are real. So what that means, they're all coming here and they're able to get to us, but we're not able to get to them. It means we're in the middle of something. That's why we don't know what to understand, what's going on. Well, yeah, we don't.

I don't think we're the end of it. I think we're in the middle of it. I think we're just in the middle of something and we're starting to find out. Yeah, but the theory that they're having a war, if you look online, there's like a war between five different alien races, right? Possibility.

Who's winning? What? Who's winning? You would think that you would walk outside and see a shrapnel of something. But they. Like, well, there's no sign of nothing. Look at the distance we are from different solar systems.

What the fuck are you talking about? See? But you're saying that they're here. Yeah. Yeah, there's not. They've been coming here and they are here. They're here now. They're here.

Where are they? Underwater. Oh, they're underwater. Underwater. They don't want to stay in the surface? Yeah, or they're in the bases or whatever they got there with the government. No, no, I'm saying, are there any of them walking free?

Well. Amongst us. According to the government, it's possible. What? Right. So according to the documents, like, unaccountable pregnancies, that would be, they're walking amongst us.

This depends on how many women or how many people didn't have that. If that's true, you understand what I'm saying? So you think women are getting pregnant by alien aliens? You want to call them alien, whatever you want to call them. Yeah. Well, OK. What do you want me to call them?

Well, because they can still be human beings. Like, you know what your problem is? You think that we probably are the only human beings. Hey, type in 1977, Shaffer Shire YouTube on YouTube. So theoretically, doc, look at me. Theoretically, I could be an alien. That's possible. Hey, doc.

That would explain. Hey, doc. That would explain a lot. Yeah. Never be. Yeah. My gray dick. My gray dick.

That would explain my gray dick. Right there, the top one. Yeah. OK. OK, here we go. 1954. By the way, before women could fall. Standatures had a whole crop of flying saucers.

Spot in the sky, lights in the sky, strange things. But the strangest of all was seen one day over this cottage. Mr. and Mrs. Rustenberg were living there quietly out in the country. And, well. The posit, I believe. Nothing that's going to come out of this. This woman escaped Eastern European.

The block came to fucking wherever she was. This isn't England now. She made it out alive. But, dude, 1954, look at what she's wearing that shirt. By the way, she's 28 years old. Yeah. She's in really bad condition. Yeah.

No. Let's hear what she says. Wait, let me ask you something. I can tell you this. You would fuck her before you'd fuck me? Of course. I would give it to her in a heartbeat. Oh, my.

OK. Maybe eight years and just. Without the accent, though. If she wasn't British. I swear, she's there before this guy, of course. You're fucking dumb. You're dumb, dude. Oh, what would be?

You would fuck her before you'd fuck Andrew. Anybody. Me. Me, dudes. Look at me. I'm taking that pussy, that pussy, you know. You didn't look at that. Gross.

All right, let me see what she has to say. Tell me what you saw. Well, it was one ordinary day. I was waiting for my husband to come home from work and my two sons went to Seifert to school. And I was getting changed. And I heard this terrific noise. It was just like a giant cordon of water

being poured onto a fire-ish sort of noise, you know. And my first reaction was, oh, the children. I thought maybe a plane was crashing or something like that. And I slipped my jumper on and went outside to find my two sons lying flat on the ground in a garden in front of the house shouting, mommy, mommy, there's a flying saucer. Well, naturally, I just said, come on, don't be stupid.

Come in the house. But I felt sort of a strange sensation. Wended my way up the side of the house to where we had a pump, where we used to get all our water from. And automatically looked up to see this, or I can describe, this huge Mexican hut. It was stationary, this thing. And it was bright silver.

I'm cooking. She saw some brero. She saw some brero. I was looking to the sky. Is that what I never give her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. David, the best you ever. And the clouds parted.

Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? It was Mexican aliens. Bro, that's the alien she's talking about. She's talking about immigrants. I'm not saying that. She's real, but I'll give you a point if I want to show you. So you watch this shit late at night?

No. Here's the thing. Three in the morning in your alien pajamas. This is porn. Your peanut and wire. No, no, no, listen, man. Get in control, man. This is what I did.

You're losing your mind, bro. I've been seeing it. This was after I watched a scientist in his approach on a whole situation, and he was about to collect the information. So he said, it's not about what Bob Lazar, if he's proven him real or fake, he just wanted to hear what he said, and he said, after listening to him, he was convinced. That's my approach. So I said, OK, let me try to listen to some of this shit.

This shit sound crazy, but I'm just saying this just because we were talking about pregnancies and y'all were saying about aliens, but I'm about to show y'all that the aliens could be these. Go ahead and show these motherfuckers. Wait, what? Can you watch more of this? There's more? What is this?

Listen, she about to explain. She about to get to the part where she about to tell who was in the video. OK. I don't believe her. I don't believe her. OK, but I'm just saying. She said it looked like a Mexican hat. Yeah, you act that?

I'm done after that. That's her only description? We're not. Listen, I'm not saying I believe her. I'm saying that there's a possibility what she's saying could be true. Facts. No. Play them over.

Fuck. I had a dome, a dome. It was tilted to sort of I could see the occupants in it. You saw people in it. I saw people in it. Stop, stop, stop. You're telling me these people have the unimaginable technology to fucking come to worth in a saucer. But they've got a dome and you can see inside.

And they're going, how are you? Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. They've been described. Yeah, yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Hello. Hello.

They would let you see them? Yeah, they wouldn't do that. No. It would be like one of those, if there was a window, one of those FBI interrogation windows was like one way. A little slit you can't see. They can only see. Hello.

How are you? Yeah. We have big heads. Sorry. In her, she's playing it like the Jetsons with the bubble. Like. That's insane. It's insane.

Why would they let you see them and then they would come down on a saucer? Otherwise, they would come down and make a big fucking stink anyway. But how come they disappear all the time? If you hear about majority of the saucers back then, that's what they were. They had a clear dome. So. Oh, they had a clear dome. Yeah.

Oh, so they've, they've advanced their technology. Am I, am I my bullshit? Y'all know. Yeah. Yeah. According to. I ain't saying that. I'm just saying.

Okay. Let's hear what this woman has to say. I mean, these people were beautiful people. That's the only way I can describe them. Stop. Stop. So that's not for a second. Stop.

So they look like Brooke Shields and Steve McQueen waving, hello, we're the beautiful people. What the fuck are you saying? They're beautiful people. Now, is your assumption that they have taken our form because they can see us and they copy us? I mean, no, it doesn't. What I'm saying is, is you're in your minds, right? You would think that we're the only ones made here that look like us, and that doesn't have

to be the case. I think that we're the only ones that look like us. Are you fucking kidding me? You guys. Can I just ask you something? Yeah, I think we look like us. Yeah. Yeah.

When people are telling me stories, I look at the person first and go, what is this guy's credentials? Yeah. I mean, do I know this person? Like if Lex Friedman. Yeah. Right. Pulled me aside and goes, listen, dude, I saw it.

He described it. I would be like, you know what? Lex Friedman is one of the smartest guys on planet Earth. Yeah. Right. You's a goddamn dummy. Who? You.

Why? Because of a goddamn, he could be lying to you and you go on just because of that's his job. He's a scientist. That don't mean he's not one of the smartest people in the world. That's what the fuck he does. He's just a scientist. You think Lex is smarter than you?

No. Yeah. He's just a scientist. That's all he do. This shit is crazy to me when people put scientists on this level that they shouldn't. It's fucking crazy. Dude, he's about to tell us. Dude, dude, dude, dude.

He's about to literally be like, they out here telling us the earth can't. How do we have black? You know, the demon is a covid lady that Trump was using that that one. Yeah. Right? Yeah. You would go to her. That's your family practitioner.

Doc. There's some people with credentials. Doc, you think because he's a scientist, he's not this fucking guy. No, I'm not saying it. saying is he's just taking that guy and saying if he said this I would believe him because I know him. I know him. It doesn't matter. That's cuz you're a little bitch. I don't know her. I'm a bitch. I don't believe her. Let me get my little bitch ass behind the guy that I think is so smart. He's not smart enough. He's not smart enough to you. That's just his job. Time out. Hold on. If you was in the science, you would be doing it. If you was in the science, you would be there. But we're not. We're podcasters. I don't know how to do it. We don't know how to do science. Okay, what has Lex Friedman created? I don't know. Exactly. He's a fucking science teacher just like anybody else. You can do that shit. No. Most scientists are angry for, dude, because I hate when people put scientists or different people in these positions saying they're so smart. Time out. Stop the yelling cuz we're talking over each other. But I do want to say this, and I'm making this announcement to the fans, to Bobby Lee, to the crew, and to Doc. I want Lex Friedman on this show to go toe to toe with you on who's smarter.

Because you just said, do you think Lex is smarter than us? And then I said, yeah, I think he is smarter than me. And you said, why? Because I know he's smarter than me. Yeah. And what way? Robotics? Yeah. Engineering. But that's what he does for a living. Yeah. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. But I wouldn't be able to comprehend. He could do step by step lessons with me. I'd forget the moment he left. Exactly. How many people know how to do what you do? What do we do? What do we do? You're stand up comics. We're idiots. We're dumb dumb. This is goofball weirdo shit cuz we're fucked up in the head. The first year my first shit was wet farts into the mic. It was very good. But that's all I know how to do. We're stupid weirdos. We're brave. We're dumb. You're elevating them. And you shouldn't do that. So we should bring them down. We should bring them down. They're right and on level with you. There's no difference between them. I don't know about that. So who's above me then intelligent wise? I don't feel like nobody is depending on what you do is what you do. So you're going to be intelligent. And Stephen Hawking are the same intelligent wise. Yes. You can be. But you're dumb because you feel you're dumb. And you act dumb because that's how you feel about yourself. I don't feel like I'm dumb. I don't feel like I'm dumber than Alex. I don't feel like that. I just feel like that's what he does. Do you think you're as intelligent as Stephen Hawking? Yes. It's insane. I love it. So no one is smarter than you? No. This is what I feel like. This is what I feel like. If you're talking about on the scale of what that profession is, he's way more intelligent. Let's remove the professions. Stop with the professions. Let's take Stephen Hawking away from his job as a fucking molecular bio-mechanism. You can't do that because you only know him as a scientist. Okay. But let's just talk about that. What about in terms of getting sick, for example? If you're as smart as you get sick, you get COVID, for example, more times or less times?

Okay. Fancy taking shots. Do you see what he just did? Yeah, he just did that. What did he say? No, never mind. Now, a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp. You guys, even till now, but during the pandemic and stuff, I used BetterHelp to get my therapy. I needed it. We've had tough times, and I just think that the healthier path is to have someone to talk to that's a professional and to get on the road to being free. I'm going through some hard times, and I really just enjoy this situation. That service is great. BetterHelp is online therapy. It offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. It's online therapy. I can tell you, I can attest to that. In-person therapy is very expensive, and it can add up. And I got to tell you, this is much more affordable. You can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours, which is extremely fast. And you can change the therapist if you don't really enjoy your time with them. Exactly. You can switch to somebody else. Me and Bob are big proponents of mental health help, and this is a great way to do it. So what can they do? Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Bad Friends. That's BetterHELP.com slash Bad Friends.

Hello, Fresh. We always do it with a British accent. I love it, because it seems European fancy. Hello, Fresh. Hello, Fresh. Oh, there's Fresh at my front door. With Hello, Fresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients, and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store, and count on Hello, Fresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. That's exactly right. It is, man. Look, I do not like cooking, because I don't know what to do. This is so easy, it gives two idiots like a step-by-step recipe. I'm a moron. It's 30 minutes or less. They got quick and easy recipes. They got 20-minute meals. They got low prep, low cleanup options, providing even faster route to putting food on the table around your crazy, intense schedule. It's so cool. You got to try it. It's also fun to make this stuff. Yeah, because it's laid out for you. They put it in little separate things, so it's easy, and it's just, you know, it's kind of like Tetris. You just put everything together. All you have to do is flip the piece and put it here, and put it there, and cook it and eat it. Yeah. You need another reason to stay in for dinner. HelloFresh is 72% cheaper than dining at a restaurant. So much cheaper. And it's even cheaper than grocery shopping, guys. That's money back in your pocket. It's like you're making money, all right? So good. We both used it. We both love it. I'm a big fan of it. The meals have gotten better and better, and they've changed the recipes as time has gone on, so do yourself a favor and sign up for HelloFresh right now. Where do they got to go, Bob?

HelloFresh.com slash Bad Friends 16 and use code BADFRIENDS16 for 16 free meals across seven boxes and three free gifts. HelloFresh.com slash Bad Friends 16 that codes BADFRIENDS16, 16 free meals across seven boxes and three free gifts. HelloFresh America's number one meal kit. Let's oppose, right? There was a zombie apocalypse. It's here now. Okay, a zombie apocalypse. Oh no, it's here. There's 30 people, right, that's surviving, you know what I mean? And Lex Friedman and me are part of this 30 people, right? Who do you think they would ask to be in charge to get things right? They would go to Lex Friedman. As far as what? For what? In any survival, getting electricity. Almost anything. Strategy, survival. They're not going to ask him? They're going to ask him before me. No, they're not. No, they're not. Oh, before you, because you're a bitch. I mean, it's not going to get tough. You're a tough guy. I'm smart, but I'm a bitch. Is that what it is? Yeah, yeah, I'm a smart bitch. I'm a smart bitch. You keep breaking yourself. Here's what's going to happen. After a long day of trying to rebuild society and build up the walls so the zombies don't kill us all, everyone's tired. And at the end, Lex comes up to Bobby and he's like, Will you do like the penis dance for everyone to get the morale up? And you do any crushes. Right. And that rewards him as a higher value. However, Exactly. And that's not going to, that's not going to make the group go, This is the smartest guy in the group. They're going to go, This guy is the most fun.

Exactly, exactly. I love this guy. He's the king. That's my role. That's my role. We play our roles. We're gestures. Yeah, we're gestures. What you're doing, but what you're doing. What are we doing, dude? What is your problem? Think about what you're saying. I know what I'm saying because they, listen, none of those guys have contributed to science as far as technology and uplifted. Do you know that? I don't know that for a fact. No, but here's what I'm saying. This is what I'm saying. Do you think teaching is a contributing? Well, I would say Lex, he does build shit. He does build, but he hasn't. Look, those guys haven't invented things. The guy that you think that are really smart are the guys that invent and create shit on their own. So Stephen Hawking with the whole black hole thing and the here. The whole black hole thing, this shit is always getting in his shit. It ain't even 100%. They gave him a Nobel Peace Prize on some shit that he 100% don't even know. He just basically go, okay. No, because they've been showing that his shit. But he was one of the first people to come up with a lot of these theories. So theorizing is the part of science. Einstein was one of the first people that came up with some of the most of this shit.

Yeah. Okay. Is Einstein smarter than me? Of course. So there are people then. Right. No, here's what I'll say. We got one. Albert Einstein, guys. Not Stephen Hawking, but Einstein, yes.

I'll be honest with you. I'll be honest with you. He wasn't as smart as you. He was fucking his own cousin. He cheated on his wife with his own cousin. Okay. You don't know how good his cousin's pussy was. Yeah. You weren't a fucking round. But what I'm saying is, you say he's a genius in science, but as a man, as an all around genius and understanding love and connection and all that, he did. He's shit. See, there's an intelligence involved in just speaking to the mic. You're going into speaking to the mic.

Yeah. We got saying the mic. I know you're getting passionate. You're going into the science. The art. Like it's just science. Okay. The same dumb motherfuckers that made nuclear weapons is that we're having a problem with today. Dumb ass scientists. You think you say they smart because they could create the weapons, but they're dumb because they made them. Okay. They may not have social empathy.

Right. It's kind of like how sometimes higher intellectual people have are on the spectrum. They're not good at social cues or they're not good at looking people in the eye and certain types of conversation rhythmic beats. Right. You may be more intellectual when it comes to those things, but as far as the far reaching things that are much more difficult to compute with the regular brain. They're smarter in science. Yes, but science is almost everything. What do you think everything is?

Everything is fucking science. But they don't have, they're not intelligent. You are science. This is all science. They don't know all science. They just know the area that they're in. I know, but you know none of it. I know some of it. I don't know everything. But you know what I mean?

They know one thing very well. That's what they do for a living. We are intellectually superior when it comes to comedic rhythms, timings, thought processes. Right. But that's a almost unusable skill. It's unusable. Outside of what we do in another society, it wouldn't even be functioning as a job. Like a hundred years ago, I lived in Korea, right?

And I was, my families were rice. I'm back in Ireland. He's in Korea. We heard rice. And I'm a potato farmer. Yeah, right. And I'm cracking jokes in the field. Yeah, that's it.

That's it. That's what I'm doing. I'm the funny guy in the rice field, right? Right. But if I was, let's freedmen, I'd be in the government. Well, you'd own the rice field. Yeah, I would own the rice field. By the way, you collecting rice cracking jokes.

Oh my god. So fucking funny. Yeah, yeah. We need to do a movie where it's like dual worlds happening and I'm in a potato farm. Yeah. And I'm stuffing potatoes in my ass to get a laugh. There's rice cutting hats. If you had an aerial view, you could see the hats go up and down because I'm killing so hard.

Right? You know what I mean? But that's all I'm good at. How many bushels did you pick? I killed today. Yeah, yeah. The rice field. Yeah, yeah.

I know what you're saying. Here's a question. Here's a question. You guys never wanted to be assigned. Oh my god. Am I right or wrong about it? Wait. I'm just, hold on.

This guy. This is good, Sid. This is really good. Let me just explain something. No, I never wanted to be assigned. Let me explain something to you. Okay. My parents said to me at the age of 16, because I got all Fs.

Right? Like Ds and Fs. F for fun. I for fun, right? My dad goes, I'll buy you a brand new car if you just get C in biology. Right? That semester, I fucking studied, I did the tests. Right?

I got a D. Are you serious? Yeah. And I never got the car. You know what's crazy about it? Okay. So my point is this. And I remember every night I go, you know what, dude?

I am going to fucking study all. I couldn't comprehend anything. And I get that. Yeah, yeah. You worked so hard. I worked so hard to get it. To get 10 more points. Yeah.

And I get that. You know why? Yeah. Why? Because you're a goddamn dummy. Okay. Yeah, right, right, right, right, right, right. But Contra, you know, sorry, I ain't trying to diss you, but I got locked in juvenile.

Yeah. And still got a C in goddamn chemistry. After I got locked up. That's how fucking smart I was. I even posted it on Instagram. You motherfucker. You see? I guess.

I was going to prove my point. Can I tell you something, by the way? I was getting a C in Stephen Hawking. No, here's the thing. All I'm saying is everything is information. And information is all about your desire and what you want to learn. It's just like, did they ask Neil deGrasse Tyson, was he great at math? He said, no.

He said, I just love this. Do the science. So I learned and I pushed to learn the math. That's all it is. Some people have a better comprehension level. Comprehension level is something I'm missing. Okay. I would say that like physically there are some people smarter than others because of

physically they can. But just because you're in your positions doesn't mean you're not smart. It just means that they didn't say we're not smart. I'm saying they're smarter than me. Yeah. I'm smart. They're smarter than me. That's all he's saying.

Here, here. I'm tall. NBA players are taller than me. They both can exist. But to say that those people aren't smarter than me, I know what you mean. You're picking out certain scales of intelligence. But there is an over. Okay.

IQ. IQ is a broad test that shows your level of intellectual abilities to comprehend parts of math, science, social, blah, blah, blah. It's everything. Right. IQ is the basis. Stephen Hawking's IQ is higher than yours and mine and his probably combined if I'm being honest.

But what I'm saying. So yes, he's smarter than us. That's only. There has to be a scale. But that's only because that was his. See, also you have to remember. You can't refute the IQ testing. You have no argument back.

It depends on how you were born, where you were, and what you, it just depends on what you're attracted to. So you, if I believe, this is what I believe. You think everyone has the ability to be a genius? Physically. Aliens to this. I forgot. I totally forgot.

I totally forgot. We just went into a completely different. Oh yeah. The lady. The lady they showed the video. Who has the highest IQ on earth? Who has the highest IQ alive? Despite being a college dropout, Marilyn Voss Savant.

That's where the word Savant come from being significant attention when her estimated IQ was scored. 228 was listed in a Guinness Book of World Records in 85. Famous for her common parade magazine where she gained critical attention for solving the famous mathematical Monty Hall problem. What? What? What?

What? What? What? What is it? What? What did she build? What is she? Oh my fucking god.

She solved the Monty Hall problem. What is it? The basis in life is so you could just take care of yourself. Anything else is what you apply yourself to, right? So whatever she does, that's what she wanted to do. She loved doing that. So I'm telling you, you would be great at science. You would be great if that's what you had.

No, I hated it. A desire. You're not. That just wasn't. I had a desire to get a C. To get a car. And it didn't happen. And I didn't happen.

I put my desire in it. Trust me. Right? I hated taking the boss. All my friends at cars. My desire was pure. 100%. A lot of desire.

A lot of desire. Okay, I guess I'm different. No. Because my teacher used to say I was a potential A student, but I played too much. And that was with them. I played too much. So why didn't you have the intellectual desire to not play too much? Why didn't I have the intellectual desire to not play too much?

You know, grew up different. Everybody has different scenarios. No, because I think that's not your path. Right. I don't think it's meant for you. Okay, that could be too. Because your brain doesn't have that thing. I think that bitch, Savant, her brain had the thing, whether she liked it or not.

We had the comedy thing, whether we liked it or not. It was developing it to make it a career that is the next step. But this bitch was born a genius. She just had to like... Like child prodigies that can play like a Rock Mononoff piece at the age of three. I can't play chopsticks. That's just like a higher level of fucking intelligence. I fuck up chopsticks every time.

I don't... This shit ain't nothing. It don't... Is this Marilyn Savant? What does all that benefit them? What does it does for them? I don't know. Change culture.

Inspire. First of all. First of all, so many of our scientists... But that's what you do. Change culture. You inspire doing what you do. Okay. But so many of our scientists have come along that have...

Look at this. Fucking Elon Musk 155. This bitch was 228. That's how smart this woman was. Right. And time out. And look at the two. Scientists created...

The cure and the vacuizer. Now you wouldn't say... Polio. Because a man in a woman's world, it is difficult for a woman. But go ahead. No. I'm saying... I'm saying what science has contributed is we've cured disease.

Let's go back to aliens, man. Nothing. There's no cures. So the government created this other agency. The agency to specifically look for UFOs. Right, Doc? Do they have an agency for like... Exorcisms.

And you know what I mean? That kind of realm. Like spiritual realms. They haven't announced anything like that. So there isn't one. I don't know. It's not the Vatican City. Oh, you think Vatican has one?

Shady is placed on Earth. It's pretty shady. No, I... Have you ever been there? No. Scary. Have you been to the Vatican? So scary.

Why? Because it is its own... I'm going to misquote this. It's its own jurisdiction of everything. They have their own police, their own banks, their own government. They don't have to obey to anything. No outside force can influence them. If someone gets murdered in the walls of the Vatican,

it doesn't need to ever leave the walls of the Vatican. Dude, and I asked one of our tour guides when I went there. Oh, you were just there? Well, we didn't go this time. But the last time I went and I said, let me ask you a question you're going to find annoying. I was like, yeah, yeah. And I said, how many people do you think get killed or accidental deaths in these walls?

And she's like, a few times a year, I think something happens within these walls that never makes it out. Wow. A few times a year. That's incredible. Because who would know? Because you know when the gates are open during mass, thousands of people flood the square. So if there's beef or there's something going on beneath the surface,

if it happens in the square, no one will know. It's like the Da Vinci Code. It is like the Da Vinci Code. Yeah, yeah. It is like the Da Vinci Code. It's just shady to me, dude. God bless the Vatican. Good for you guys.

Don't kill me. Don't fucking maim me. But that to me, that's alien shit. That's UFO stuff. Yeah. Because you know they got some shit in the Vatican. Yeah. All right.

So you set the tone. Set the mood. Set the tone. Ladies and gentlemen. Hold on. Start again. Fancy's got to get ready with his little fucking camera. Are you ready?

Ladies and gentlemen, straight from the Pauly Shore tour in the Midwest. Come. Juicy. Jetski. Jotsky. Jotsky. Jotsky. Jotsky.

Jotsky. Jotsky. Jotsky. Johnson. Johnson. Johnson. Johnson. She tickles now.

That's her thing. She's a big tickler. She's poking. She's tickling, dude. What's up, bro? She's Pauly. She's turned into Pauly. That's what this is.

That's not cool, dudes. Pauly. Sounds just like her. That sucks. All right, first of all. It's the Juicy. It's the Juicy here, the Juicy here. First of all, I got a bunch of DMs.

I got a bunch of ads and mentions. Pauly tagged us, because he took her out to dinner and is trying to like show us up. And you had the fucking nerve to say that his was better than ours? I said, that's pretty, this was really good. Thank you, Pauly. And he, I said, it wasn't even the same dimension of food.

Not even close. You guys went to Outback Steakhouse. What was it called? What was it called? I was, I don't, I don't even know. That's how good it was. What was the one that we, what was the one that we took you called?

Mashers. Yeah, you got it. I remember, did you? Yeah, you remember that. You know who ate it, the one we went to? Wait, what? Michael Jordan ate it, the one we ate, it went to. Okay, first of all.

Okay. Let me show you something. It's pretty good. Let me show you something. Look up Michael Jordan Steakhouse, Chicago. So Michael Jordan, if you're going to talk about, is he, does he know about steaks? He knows about basketball.

Steakhouse, one of the worst. Let's look up some reviews for Michael Jordan Steakhouse in Chicago. Maybe one of the worst Steakhouses that ever graced the city. It was terrible. You went there? Terrible.

You went there? Terrible. Yeah. And went there years and years ago. Give me one review from this fucking point. He had one in New York and it closed down. It closed down. The closed down in Chicago too.

It's not even open. Per stolen while eating a table. Wow. In charge of the steaks are overcooked. They also had a blue cheese butter on top. That was not. That was a waiter too. They stole it.

Extremely disappointed in this experience. I am in Chicago, starting a new medical residency. Oh my God. This guy's a nine page dissertation. Anyway, Michael Jordan doesn't know shit about steaks. Guy can hoop, but fuck steaks. We took you to the spot. And by the way, now that he's trying to trump us,

we're taking you to Mexico. I said, you're getting authentic Mexican food. We're going to Mexico. Also, you said to me yesterday, right, that you have stories about me, right? Things that Paulie told you. Yeah, yeah. And I'm giving you the platform to run wild with them.

What's up, Judy? Because you seem like you knew information that's going to embarrass me. Okay, go ahead. You guys want to know the juice? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, all right.

Well, there was a story that he led into by a time he made you cry. Okay, what was it? Do you know it? No, I don't. He's made me cry so many times. That's okay, he's not a specific. Oh, there wasn't one.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I will say. I do remember. Well, let her do it. I wanted to see if you knew it. I do remember. It was in Michigan. I don't remember where.

Just let her do it. Well, he wanted to go hang out with you in your hotel room. That's not the story. No, that's what he said. You know, he goes, did, right? I'm not making a lot of money on this gig. So we're sharing this room, right?

And I was in my room. He had walked in with his luggage, right? And I thought he was being real. And I go, oh, but why don't I just take the money you're paying me and I'll just get my own room? No, dude, I'm staying in here. And it was like a queen sized bed, right? And I just thought, oh, this is gonna be

the worst weekend of my life. And I just started weeping. Tears coming up. He said you just started crying in the room. What else was going on, bud? Well, he did tell me that earlier throughout the tour he would lay on top of you. Which he did to me a couple of times

and would yell, Bobby Lee. Wait, he would just jump on top of you? Well, like twice in North Carolina would just stay. Do we want to tell that story on the road? No, but he has a way of like, you know, he's not, you know, a mean guy, he's a nice guy, right? But he's so eccentric and weird, right? So he doesn't know like social rules

or, you know, people's personal space. Maybe he's a genius. Maybe he's a genius like the people we talked about before. Nah. He was an absolute gentleman on the tour and I think Bobby ran or walked so I could run. Bobby walked so she could run. Yeah, because I'm kind of following in your path.

He laid the groundwork. Yeah, I'm a door guy. I'm going on tour just like you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm leading the way. Yeah, and he treated you a lot worse than he treated me. Yeah, you really did. He treated me really good.

He got us massages. Wow. What the, the fucking blows my mind. We had so many fancy dinners. That blows my mind. But you were with him on tour 20 fucking years ago. So times have changed. Dude, what time it did, you're paying for this.

You had to pay for the car. Yeah, and I'm like, I have no money. I'm like, oh, I'll pay for it. I get, you know what I mean? Yeah, but look at you. Look at you now. Look at you now. She's right, look at you now.

Yeah, so it was a pleasant experience. Yeah, but it was kind of weird because I thought Polly show was like a ladies man and he didn't get laid once. Oh, he's getting old. He said, because I'm woke and he didn't want to get busted, but I think I got the old Polly.

Yeah, you got the old, you got the shriveled up Polly. That one that looked like a turtle. Yeah, Frank and I were ready, like, we're like, I bet he's gonna get laid at this one. And he didn't, he didn't. He's like, let's just go back. Wow, it's so sad. And you and Frank are,

both of you are in a relationship. Yeah, yeah, his wife was a little concerned because we were sharing a room the whole time, but she was concerned because of his snoring. So she was concerned for me to stand. Not that something would happen. No, no. She was like, no.

Or his smell. Yeah. He doesn't smell good. Frank Castillo? Yeah. Take a look at me. Why? It just smells like weed, old weed.

He smokes weed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't like the smell of weed. Yeah. Well, that's a youth. Did he smell? No. He was, he was great.

Yeah. Do you smoke weed? No, not really. Did he smoke in the room? No, no. Oh. He had his pen and stuff. Yeah, he gotta hit that pen.

Oh, so like she's, the way she's dressed, you can tell she just got off tour with him. Well, yeah. Because he does it just like that. The scarf. Oh yeah, I guess he has rubbed off on me a little bit. Oh, that's his, literally. That's his t-shirt, his face on it.

Yeah, he signed it. Oh, oh, she's famous. Is that his merch? I got the whistle there. Hey, I got something, a little souvenir for you guys. Okay, cool. Can I get it? Oh my God, this is so amazing.

By the way, Doc's been on the show for a year. Never got one thing from that. Not one thing, not one thing. Never a souvenir. But he also doesn't leave LA. Yeah, that's true. Or yeah. That's pretty good.

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Viator, man. One site over 300,000 experiences, you'll remember. Good. Oh my God, are these Pauly shirts? And they're signed? They're signed? Oh my God. This is baddie.

Oh, this is so cool. Oh, cool. Oh, this is so fucking cool. And I got, look at this. Santina. Well, this is so fucking cool. This is so cool. And you know what he wrote?

We should frame these and put them up on the pocket. Please, look at E-Rone. Look at E-Rone. Near the bathroom. Near the bathroom. My sweet ginger. My sweet ginger. Because I know these two.

They fucking hate it. Well, if you guys, I love it. If you guys want to keep them, they're 20 for the shirts and 25 for the head shots. Dude, you are learning really, really, really good. This is really fucking nice. Thank you so much, man. Well, we need to have Pauly on the show.

Oh, we would love to have them. If he wants to do it. Tour was amazing, though. I want to go back. I loved it. So what places do you play? Good Nights. I met this guy.

I love Charlie Good Nights. Love, Raleigh. Raleigh's great. Heffron. John Heffron. I love him. Brian. Brian Heffron.

Wait, what is John? The owner, right? You're not a road dog, I guess. Is he the owner of Brian Heffron? Wait, wait, wait. John Heffron is a comic. Yeah, but Brian Heffron is too, right? Yeah, if you guys were road dogs, you know.

So that's a cool club. Good Nights. I've played it before. Good Nights was great. Heffron runs all of the comedy zones. Oh, right, right. So you went Charlotte to that one? We went Good Nights, and then comedy zones in Greensboro,

Charlotte, which was off. Charlotte was this huge rim, and then in Greenville. The Greensboro one was like an Applebee's turned into a comedy club. Which one was outsider? So you guys doing it like an outsider? Yeah, that was Silverados. That was like a music venue.

Wow. And you do well there, or is it hard? It was awesome. Every show you killed. Yeah, and I got way better, like. As the weekend went on. As it went, yeah. That's what happens, Fabian.

What happens strong, that's amazing. Our little Jetski is getting fucking. I love it. He's going to be a yacht at some point. And then eventually, maybe, when we do our bad friends tour, when we do the theater tour. Yeah, no. She can't come on the tour.

Oh, man. Of course she can come on the tour. Yeah, of course she can. Black magic has to be on the tour. You guys have never met? No, never. Feels like I've known you for years, though. Yeah, everybody talking.

You bought me from the store? Yeah. And look how different he is. We worked a lot. Oh, yeah, oh, you worked a lot? Yes. Oh, real talk. See, you know the struggle.

That's like a lot, God. There's a real lot, Bob. I told you, that's what you guys had in common. You both are young, too black, young, black people. And you both worked a lot. When you were coming, we told them that you were black. And you believe Jetski Johnson was black. Johnson?

Can I tell you something? A woman named Jetski Johnson definitely is a black lady. I love that you guys are calling me Jetski, because you, through one episode, single-handedly changed my name to Juicy. Well, Juicy is, you're still Juicy to us. You'll always be Juicy in our heart. We could come up with a different, do you like that one,

or should we change it? It's just hilarious, because I've gained probably over 7,000 followers from that one episode. Keep it going, follow her. Keep following her. From you guys, and on the road, I'll get on stage, Juicy. No, that's awesome. No, be real.

Yes, that's awesome. It might be, you know, three out of a hundred or so. Still? That's good, that's great, that's good. It's badass, at the store too, yeah. So, can you tell us, did you do a joke that, did you do a new joke on the road that bombed? Did you have anything that you ate shit on?

I never, I didn't really like eat shit, but I figured some shit out. Like, as some premises that I started out early that didn't really have an ending, and I would, and Frank and I would, as soon as we were done, we'd go back and we'd just like work on the bits. It was awesome. Yeah, I'll miss those days.

That's over for us. Did you bring a trumpet? No. I like that bit. Yeah, so I used to do that, and then I stopped because I wanted to be like a real standup, because I thought having a trumpet in my acts was not real. It doesn't matter, that's bullshit.

But then trumpet, because, let me just see if I get this bit right, right? But you bring the trumpet, right, and you go, this is my rape whistle? Yeah, about like eight minutes, and I hold it for about, I don't mention it for about eight minutes. And then you go, oh, this is my trumpet, right? And then you play it, right?

Then you play a little tune. Yeah. And then how does the bit go? Like, say you're walking down a dark alley at night, and someone's following you, and you just brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr. Yes. Hear ye, hear ye.

That's a good bit. But like, where do you go? I do some impressions of like, Louis Armstrong and Miles Davis. Do you? Do you? Yeah, but like, where do you go from there? How many is?

Anywhere you fucking want to go. That's incredible. I hung out with your boyfriend a little last night. We had a conversation Did you tell you he told me about it? Yeah, and he tried to get me to go to um, he goes hey, you want to do this gig in Mammoth? Yeah, I'm like, okay. Let me hear it, right? He's like, yeah, it's a couple of seats, but you know, you'll go real well It's actually good. It's at the brewery really Sarah Mello used to do one there Oh, you know about it. Well, is it still the same? It's at the brewery there in town I think he's since moved it to a I don't I can't keep track of it It's but it's grown a lot and it's good and you had mentioned that you wanted to play at play like smaller Alts rooms. Yeah, so I was thinking there. I want to help there. I want to help him

Yeah, what will you do you and I just that's fun go out there. I'll do that a hundred percent Just do one couple like 200 seats or 300 200 something seats if it's the same spot Sarah Mello, you know Mello I love her. She did a birthday today Is it really it's ceremony? I send her a video She did a she did a show up there that I was at the little brewery. That's there in town and mammoth and it was fucking Oh, yeah, yeah, it was you remember this. Yeah, it was a short lived amount of time, but it's it's fun Oh, can we show you some of his theories earlier on right and this is a real thing. She was he wasn't kidding So at all it was sincere and he any argue it argued it to death, right? So basically did you know that?

Me and Stephen Hawking have the same intelligent love same do you believe Go on you believe that. Oh, that's the whole theory. Yeah, that's the theory of There's no difference between Intelligent levels between me and Stephen Hawking in it essentially essentially It's you you're only as smart as the things that you care about to be smart at that's kind of like we cared about like quantum physics Then we could be and black holes that we would be immersed in that information and we didn't know as much as Stephen Hawking That's what you that's your theory. Yeah

Yeah, if you really like if you love it and you put yourself into it when I gave him an example of me Yeah, cuz Neil said uh, he wasn't good at math. Neal like the major. Oh, yeah What did you think? So he wasn't good at math so but he said that he just because he loved science He pushed he he was able to go and dive into a deep. So that's the thing that I was trying to Be store up on them like hey man you if you if you're in that field and you love it You're going to become intelligent in that just like they just like they their style of comedy There's an intelligence behind that because nobody can do that. What we do is rare

So scientists are rare if you go into science, you're gonna know how to do theoretically Theoretically if Stephen Hawking wanted to stand up and his heart was in the stand up Can I could do be as good as us? Can I tell you something? That's what he wanted to do If that's what he wanted to do Welcome, sir. I'm glad to be here. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Yeah. Yeah. We used to do character shows in Arizona where you dress up as a character and you stand up As that character and I would go as Nebula Hawking who was Stephen Hawking's niece And I would write my set out on an iPad and I'd had someone push me up to the microphone

Yeah, and I would hit play and it would play the act. That's that's amazing. Would it do well? Yeah, it would kill It was like while my uncle spent his life studying the stars. I spend my life trying to be a star Do you have a manager? Yes, who? Rachel Williams at Levity. Oh, that's cool. I just yeah, just that's amazing agent No, oh Asian Asian you have Asians. Do you have any? I'm raising just one. You need at least one in this town. Yeah Yeah, I you know, you have a Goldie Haan like old school Goldie Haan likeability

Okay, don't you think she does I I couldn't even comment about that. What do you mean? I don't know about Goldie Haan's like a bit. I mean, I think I mean back in the day She was like when she that went, uh, what was that? Would that she was the sergeant? What was the military one that you did? Polly said he's gonna take me to perform for the troops Oh, have you guys ever done that? Oh private Benjamin. Yeah, private Benjamin, right? There you are. That's you I could see you as the next private Benjamin Take me there Bobby. Like she's like this is kind of like

You fish out of water, you know what I mean? I couldn't agree with you more. Yeah. Yeah, honestly, that is juicy right there Maybe we could call it in the army now Part two part two part two. Let me ask you some serious questions about Polly. Okay. Are you a fan of his movies? Yes, now I hadn't seen any of them. She never saw it. All right. How old are you? How are you 20? 32? Oh, you are? Yeah So you saw you saw what you saw biodome. I've seen them all now. Yeah, son-in-law son-in-law. Yeah Yeah, I literally just watched them like on the road just now just to catch up. Yeah. Yeah Because he was like halfway through the tour He's made a joke about one of the movies and then looked at me and he's like

Have you seen any of my movies and I think he felt kind of sad You know people don't really remember. I mean the dude fucking jury duty and see no man So many fucking like so many movies for the two for those times where Holly shore is dead I haven't seen that one Yeah, he cut me out of that Oh, he's mad at you by the way. Okay. Tell me why because he said that He had this movie idea a long time ago and now that you're like famous. You can't you won't produce it. It's called capture You

Go ahead Bobby you want to comment about that? Okay Can I tell you the movie idea? Yeah, I don't even know. I'd love to hear it. So did Did you do it as you too? Okay. Well, that's how he said it to me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, he's pitching it to me. He was pitching it to me Oh, go ahead. Go ahead. It's uh You're my neighbor, right? And you you know, you're just a guy college guy, right? Just normal guy, right?

How long ago was this pitch 15 years ago? Yeah, at least and he goes D. Did I capture you did and you're in a well I go, I'm in a well. Uh-huh. You know like silence of the lands did yep, right and like feature like mochi balls Funny, right? And I go, okay What happens we become best friends This is a great movie. I know but at the time I'm like he feeds you mochi balls and you become friends You put the mochi in the basket. Yeah, I don't know. I mean that's as far as he went I didn't maybe I should ask some more questions. He puts the mochi in the basket

Yeah, and he by the way I don't know dude. I think that's a good movie. You think so. Yeah, why not? But to me at the time there was like no, let me put some other parameters around. Okay, okay So creepy by the way Um, uh, let me put some parameters. Here's what here's like the time period you have to shift to okay What I think it is is like Let's say there's a fake war times that set up And he's there. He's captured in asian, right?

And oh, so you're saying this is a period piece. Yes, and you're trespassing on his property. He's a guy I got it right now. Yeah, he's a guy I'll because he has that like surfery vibe. See he's in hawaii during pearl harbor. That's right, right? Dude, you're right. Look at other planes, dude, and in comes. They're they're clouds Can you play japanese? Right? Perfect, right. Yeah, well you play poly and then I'm yeah, look at what are they bombing us, dude? And I'm like Oh, and you're playing crashes on his property, but you live well. I'm the worst of them. Yeah, you're the worst

My eyes are not good. What if your vision? They're slanny, but also I don't have good vision. You have bad vision, right? And I'm kind of little, you know, I mean, what's up Little off upstairs. Yeah, a little off. So you crash on his property after a mishap Right and I go land I crashed into his house. Dude, you crashed into my jello pit. Oh, you're not You know Emperor hero itto is a sun god. Oh, bro. Are you trying to hurt america? Yeah Oh, I've got to lock you up. So you become a prisoner In his well, I get it. I like it right and through connections

You slowly bond this beautiful loving friendship, right? Do you have more of the mochi boy? You like the mochi? Yeah, I don't want more mochi boy. One more, dude All right, thank you. And what happens is hey, hey, that's not a mochi ball. That's my sack. That's my sack That's my sack, but it's still good. So now you're sucking on his mochi ball And then late at night you share stories about your past and his past and you find out You have much more in common than you ever dreamed. Oh, what is it? That you're both outcast losers and both in your family's never accepted you for who you really were You tell me story. I see I relate

Okay, okay. Here we go. When I was a kid. Well, real quick quick lick of mochi ball, please. Oh here Thank you continue And I was a little boy, dude fatty Uh-huh My family didn't like the way I was. So I played by myself in the neighborhood and one time I was molested by a mentally handicapped person Oh Me too

What? Oh, yeah Buddy My dad, he was number one rice maker Right, okay. I don't know if I can relate to that part. No, but I'm going to tell you this part, right? But he doesn't think a good rice maker myself. Oh He put me down like you, right? Right, right. Yes. And then what? And then my dad would hit me with golf club

He hit me with his uh Your summarize so Same thing, buddy. Yeah, look at this. This is the tale of two friends. Yeah, I really like this a pearl harbor kamikaze pilot gone wrong What? I think doctors realize how brilliant that was and that is the same level of genius as steven hawking Yeah, go piss. Yeah, thank you doc. Thank you doc. Do you need help to get there? Do you know where? Okay, good. Thank you doc. Thank you doc. That pino is It's

It's next level pino. I'll tell you that. He's on the pino. He's gone And there did you think of our new captured movie? I think it's brilliant. I think that doctor, right? You guys have the same level of genius as steven hawking Maybe we do. Yeah, so you'll produce it No He's gonna. Yeah, I'll put this when you do a rewrite. Well, let's rewrite it. We pitch it to paul Right, but you know, um, I'll produce it I think I here's my problem with it, right? I think that, you know, the movie's fine. It's just what happens

In between the movie when we're shooting. I'm a little afraid of he's different now. I'm telling you like he pinches my nipples Really hard. Well, you know, I mean you got pinchable nipples. I do He didn't do that to me once he your girl. He also lays on you but he did lay on you, right? Yeah, but he was showing me what he did to you. Oh Oh, right. Well, that's a good way around in the past. He's just showing you buddy I never laid on any of my features Is never a thing It was more like he's sad on me. I've never sat on any of my features. Did you guys do a tour bus or no?

No, we did rental car. Oh, cool. It's a great experience. God. It was so fun You guys have just been doing this for a long time then Yeah, it's a little different when you're headlining though. Yeah, it's not it's fun Well, the responsibility level is much higher featuring. I've always said it's Fucking such a sweet spot. It's such a sweet. It's not gonna last forever You obviously want to ascend and have your own thing, but it's It's so fun, man. The pressure is almost non-existent. You worry about numbers You start worrying about like, you know, selling tickets

I started worrying about selling tickets and filling seats and it becomes a whole thing How much money you can make because you can make enough to take other people on the road and That that that analytics of all of it. It stinks, but when you're in your spot, yeah Fuck it. Forget don't even think about your crime. Have the most fun you've ever had. This is the best time of my life right now You fucking deserve it, man. It really is the best time of my life. It's the best time of my life. Like I I look back and I'm glad I have been grinding and all that stuff and blah blah blah But yeah, this is awesome. And then I literally just got off the plane from the tour and walked right into the studio here with you guys Like it's a dream. How fucking party is that? That's amazing. That's really fucking amazing

And we're gonna go on tour together. We are Yeah, 100% we just have you have to kick someone out. So you're taking someone's seat It's one of those two guys in the window. So I think you can guess What she said that she wants to kick george out after last episode. Yeah, george is absolutely not coming on tour with us No, no, I'd rather kill myself than have that guy in the fucking bus. Are you kidding me? You okay? Yeah, I was holding this shit for about an hour. I said, god damn. How often do you pee? Do you pee a lot? No Once a day?

No, pee about About maybe four or five times. How many times do you pee a day? I've never counted How many times do you pee a day? Three or four times I feel like I pee way more than that three times for me. That's eight four times. Yeah, I piss right in the morning Then I piss after I've had my coffee shit breakfast combo And then probably don't piss again until the after like I'm about to piss in about an hour from now Don't drink a lot of water. I drink a fuckload. I drank a lot. Yeah, I do

But it stays in there until the worst though is when you're sleeping The boy's got a big blood when you have to pee when you're sleeping and your dick gets hard Is the dude my dick's been getting so how'd you know? Because you know that that's a reaction to make sure you don't piss yourself. Is that really? Yes, yeah, my dick gets hard all the time now at night at night. Yeah Well, that's also your libido checking and being like, hey, I'd like to come sometimes Is that what it is? Yeah, I need your cock sending a signal from your brain But also at night you will get a heart on you'll get an erection your your cock will fill with blood

So make sure that you don't pee. I pinch it now. Well, you don't do that. You don't have to do that Yeah, but I pinch it hard You don't have to do that to go go down go down. You don't have to do that. Yeah, you don't have to hurt it You can just talk to it. Yeah, but I can't it doesn't go down if I don't pitch it You can think about it watch something awful and gruesome doesn't I have to hurt it Isn't that funny that our dicks can fill with blood to stop us from urinating in the middle of night But like you can't there's nothing that happens to you. No, I just bleed through my vagina It's pretty cool. I don't think that has anything to do with you go having a piss

Does it affect your mood? Like like some girls it affects them. Does it affect your mood? Welcome back to period Hell yeah, I get really sad like a week before I always forget because it's premenstrual PMS I I took me like a billion years to learn that did you have an embarrassing period story when you first got your period? Because I know a lot of girlfriends of mine had like a yeah Like they always had a shitty first time story because they would know or their mom didn't tell them Or they had like a very vague conversation about it. My mom Like told me about it and was so cool and got me like, you know variety of

Supplies and I it was just confusing and I told her afterwards. I was like, I'm just glad it's done Yeah, and she said, you know, this is gonna happen every month, right forever. And I was like What? I thought it was the one and done like you get it and then that the reality of the world set in on me But it was hard to get a hold of it. I remember being in class and like Oh, I guess it started and getting up. There's just blood on my seat. I'm just gonna shuffle out of there I heard that story a few times. Yeah on junior high. I'm mad if it just blood came out over your dick once a month Oh, what do you mean? Imagine

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this happens all the time Yeah, it would fucking it would be terrible. It'd be so sad. Yeah It's an extra thing to think about Imagine if it came for guys if it just came out of your mouth if you just were talking All right, if you just started bleeding if you're like, yeah, we're gonna go Just bludged and pouring you're like, I'm so sorry And then you have to stick cotton in your mouth. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fucking awful. Yeah, but sometimes I kind of like it because I will like I'll like the pain

I I think I kind of have a high tolerance for pain And so like I'll start to kind of hallucinate a little bit. Whoa, but not in like a dangerous way Like I don't think it's like a Whoa, but you know when you're in pain sometimes and yeah, but you mean like from the blood loss I know like the cramps. Oh, oh the pain the physical pain the physical pain the physical pain All right, and you don't take anything. You don't take Advil or fucking motor no I take this stuff that my stepmom. She's like neopathic social She sends me some stuff like like a

Essential oil will tell the girl fans. There's a there's a lot of chick fans on here. They want to know what you'll put a link I don't know what it's called. But fancy. I'll get you the link fancy. Get that fucking link for the period For menstrual cramps. I was listening because it is a fucking nightmare. Yeah, let's get some bad friends. I don't want to overstep I know I just Walk the fuck in I was I was listening with this American life And there was a story of a girl who met this guy And she really liked they were an acting class or whatever and in new york And they hooked up one night and then she was on her period and she goes. I don't want to you know, I mean

It's that time of month. He's like, I don't care But like four in the morning she looked at all the sheets and they were all bloody, right? So she stole his sheets And put it in her bag and she left like and she's walking down And she had to go through some sort of security check or something and the cops saw the bloody sheets So they thought she murdered somebody So then she had to go back to the fucking apartment and the cops had to knock on this guy's door And to see if he was alive, right? And then she had to go. Yeah, I stole your sheets

How embarrassing is how crazy was story if he went if you she went back to the apartment. He was dead That's a good Yeah, that's the start of a good fucking series. Yeah. Yeah the coincidence of it, right? But he's dead, but he's dead, but it's with a handgun to his head and they're like this couldn't be blood from that That would be impossible. Yeah, this is not the blood's on the wall. It's that way How do the blood of the sheets have all this blood? But then they test the dna on the sheets and it's not even her blood Someone else's but it's not even his blood It's not his blood either. Where on the wall from his head. Yeah

So even his blood from the wall is the blood from this wall, right? Yeah, well from a chimp. It's from a chimp Yeah, a chimp blood. Whoa a chimp's period blood Chimp's period blood make this move And that's why if you're a female killer you always kill while you're menstruating. That's right If you're gonna stab someone ladies, that's the moral of the story. Make sure you're bleeding Yeah, make sure it's just spraying everywhere and you're stabbing and spraying And get a little fucking funnel to spray it on him when you're And you go, sorry officer. I was on my period

The twit is the officer's a chimp Oh, yeah, the cop's a chimp. The one of the cop's a chimp, man And he, you hear a knock on the door and you answer the door and it's a chimp and he's got two knives. He's like And he starts stabbing you Whoa, what are you doing? You're a cop. He's like Yeah, yeah, whoa Crazy world. What a crazy world. What a great. You want to direct it? I want to be in it Oh, what do you want to play? I'll direct an actress. You saw how good of an actress

She was when we did acting scenes in the room here. Oh, that was amazing. You have to put her on camera. That was really good stuff Yeah, doc would would you mind directing it? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, man Because we don't have anybody in our crew that directs anything. Do we yeah I want to do a movie with them and do the loving story. What's that? Sorry the story about the two, you know Remember, is it that they're called the loving? I mean, they were the um, the first people the black and white couple, right? And then they it was against the law And then they did that. Oh, what are the last names? Um, find out the last names The first interracial couple. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, the first interracial couple

But we're not the first of all time. We do a comedy spin on them though. Hmm It was the first interracial couple, uh It like in a first interracial marriage. Sorry, interracial marriage Loving day. June 12th is loving day. Yeah, interracial marriage, uh, finally became legal in the united states june, january 26 1965 This photo shows milder loving. Is it not wild that they were gonna didn't they go to prison for it or something because they were Well, no, no, no, they were they were this caused This to become a law that it's legal for intera- interracial marriage, but in 1965 you couldn't do it

That's insane. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's fucking Jackie roberson was getting it in though. Just let that sit Let it sit let it sit because I don't know what the fuck you mean. I know what he means Yeah, explain it. Explain it. It was smashing white white women back in his time. He was fucking these white house. Yeah, I got that too He was getting it in. He was out in these streets. Okay. It depends on who you are You can fuck out there in the streets back when you can fuck but you couldn't get married. That was what the whole thing was about Yeah, I'm sure cindy pointy a fucked white girl. So that's my point They would he they had to hide it. He actually liked Asian women. Sydney party. Did he really big time loved Asian girls

Loved was not a big fan of of uh, of white women Oh, I have a story that somebody told me that's a lie I have a story that somebody told me and I feel so guilty because it's hearsay Yeah, but we got to hear it It's hearsay hearsay. All right. This is hearsay. I'm a huge fan of this woman that I'm about to talk about so I don't want to Her feelings. Oh, go ahead. Okay. I'm gonna do it. All right. So back in the 90s I used to do shows with this guy named Dave Tyree. Don't remember that person. Okay. He was a old black comic Oh, yeah, Dave. You know, Dave Tyree, right? He used to do a bit about um, that's Dave Tyree

Right, that's in the 80s Polly by the way. Yeah. Yeah, and it was a funny guy, right? Yeah, um, sure. I don't know. He really was okay for the time. I wasn't there. Yeah, and Tyree was like Let me tell you a story and I go, where's he from? I don't know. Detroit. Okay Why? It's just a little accent. I heard a little accent. Was it Asian? Yeah Let me tell you a story. Every time you go to an accent, you go, let me tell you a story I don't know where it is. Is that what you heard? Guys, is that what you heard? Let me tell you a story. Let me tell you a story. Is that fine? Sure. Let me just keep doing it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I go, I don't want to hear a story right now. I'm gonna tell you a story. Okay, fine. That was different than the first time

Thank you. Yeah. So anyway, he goes back in the day when I moved to LA, right? I met Richard Pryor I'm gonna cool. Is that it? No He invites me to a party, right? And cocaine Everything's happening. You know what I mean? People having sex in the living room, right? It was wild. He said, right drunk and then Fucking Pryor comes up to him and goes, you like Asian pussy? And Dave Tyree goes, I guess. Yeah, it's all right. You know what I mean? Come here. Come here. And he goes In a room, there was an Asian lady laying on her back. She was completely naked. She wasn't passed out. She was loose, you know

He goes, go ahead, right? Are these guys dead, by the way? David Tyree dead? No, he's still alive. Okay Why? We'll find out where the story goes But the girl was a naked Asian. It was Connie Chung Shut the fuck up Connie Chung and she was just letting everyone have I don't know. That's what he told me and it didn't sleep for a week Man, comedy's just not like that anymore I know you're never at a party and you wanted some dig you go in it's Anderson Cooper a completely naked on a party I have been to that party. Yeah, actually. Yeah, I have been to that party and I don't even think that's true

There's no way that story is true. Why? Why would it not be? Because she's a newscaster and she you know, they don't like dick. Yeah. What was that? Nancy Pelosi? She was getting it on right? She's getting fucking smoked by who like it wasn't she blowing everybody blowing everybody Dude, Nancy Pelosi was blowing who the insurrectionists what happened? What the fuck is going on? They got the erectionist Nancy Pelosi wasn't that the story? She maybe I got the wrong person Yeah, no, no, I don't think it's Nancy Pelosi. No, it's Pelosi for show dawg

Was she was she with JFK? Are you thinking Ruth? She was blowing up. That's what made his head explode How did Jackie not see Pelosi sucking off Kennedy in that car? That's the conspiracy So she was the second shooter. Yeah Yeah, I could have sworn there was this big story going around that when she was younger. She gave everybody hand chops That's that's cool. That's cool I like that. That's a cool thing to do. Yeah, so, you know, they get around Well, I love how I love how p-types and Nancy Pelosi hand job

When they when they seize that laptop from the feds What from the insurrection where that guy went to the remember the insurrection? I forget and he was sitting like this on Nancy Pelosi's office. Maybe he was looking for a hand job. Oh waiting Yeah, like I heard about this girl. Maybe that's what he was doing It was probably some other white lady in politics and all the fans are gonna say it on the comments. Who do we think it could be? Yeah, I don't think you should air the conny chunk thing. I feel bad about saying it It's just a story that you heard from somebody that's isn't it's not a real story times. We're different times. We're diff 70s 70s Yeah, you're right

70s. Yeah, I just don't want morey povis. Have you ever been? I want morey povis to come after me. You know what I mean? He's in a wheelchair, maybe Have you ever been to a hallowed party where it was like filled with sex and drugs like that? One I've been to one as well. I did one. Yeah, one time. It must have been a long time ago. That's long time ago. Was it in the hills? No, what was it? So, um So I did this naka conference Fuck, do you know what naka is? Oh, that's so funny. That was our genre

Naka was the the national association of college. It's something it was for to do college shows Yeah, and they stopped booking me because you know, basically you go and they have all these colleges in the region And they come and they always said to me you have to be squeaky clean and I never did you had to be So every time I would perform half the room would walk out. Yeah They just would walk out and I could see my um college agent. Just go In the back like He just showed his fucking huge when you were young back then You couldn't make any money doing clubs because you weren't a headliner yet. You couldn't get a rooms

But you could get paid big money to do colleges like Schwartz and those guys did I mean they've been clean up But I did not book a lot But there was one girl who was religious But she thought I was attractive, right? So I exchanged numbers and I go, you know what I want to do I'm gonna I'm going to vegas And I'm because at the time Dave Navarro. I knew Dave Navarro Dave Navarro the rocks And so I bring this religious girl to his bachelor party

Yeah Right and it's in Vegas. I forgot what hotel I would bring a girl to a bathroom But I remember going to the floor of the hotel And everything's pitch black with these candles and there was like blood on the wall. It was like fucking crazy Right and you hear like bats Like, you know, I mean and and she's like I could feel it. She's oh, I'm holding her hand and she's shaking, right? And I go, I don't know what's going on here. You know, I mean Just we opened this door

And there's this table with two women and they have two dildos, right? And they're fucking each other on this thing, right? And other men around there jerking off Right and I'm trying to act cool like this is a part of my life. This is normal, right? I'm just kind of you know, I mean and I just remember it being the scariest place I've ever been did you do anything? I'd made I made love to her in the hotel room. You did. Yeah, sweet love. No There's a normal christian kind of like sexual experience, but I just remember that was like my first there was like, you know It was weird and and you know, what's normal christian sex like?

I what I do. Well, I'll tell you what I do, right? I take the sheet I take scissors and I put a little hole in it for your mouth, right? You say grace first Yeah, and I lay her on her back. God, please bless this food I lay the whole sheet over her body, right? So you can't see each other So I can't see each other and I see the little opening, right? And I fuck her in the belly button No, I do missionary and maybe a couple of extra side moves I went to a celebrities house a long time ago that I didn't belong at And it wasn't like anything absurd people were doing drugs for sure

But I walked in on somebody fucking in a room and I was like, oh shit And I and they both looked at me and they were like, what's wrong? It's okay And then I thought Should I stay? Because they both are very casual about it. It wasn't like get the fuck out They were fucking and I was like, oh shit, and they were like, it's cool. It's cool. It's totally cool And I was just like sorry and I just left real slow Because I wanted to give them a chance to be like get over here Do you know but I was like

Both of these guys were just too big, you know, I didn't want to I have one more Did I always hear about the asian sex club? Did you miss the whole gay part of that? Yeah, I got it. Thanks, Pete. Oh too bad. Yeah, it wasn't too bad. I'm teasing. I heard it. I just wasn't alarmed by it Yes, you should I wasn't alarmed by it either and you shouldn't be juice. Yeah, and you shouldn't be Did I tell you about the asian sex party? No, no It was right by the comedy store. Okay, the and as it used to be. What was the hilton hilton? Yeah So, you know how you know, I love to go to carneys. Hi it

You know, I like to go to carneys and get those gigantic chocolate hot dogs, do we? Right? Do you remember I used to get to do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, so they're the at carneys. They have these gigantic chocolate Bananas, I mean, right and I used to go to dock and I used to suck on the thing Yeah, that's how I do it, right But I used to get those chocolate things and I was walking with this chocolate was like maybe 12 30 at night, right? and there was 200 asian young people all dressed in white

standing outside of the fucking This hot the hi-hat. What do you guys think? We're from san francisco. We do this like yearly Thing in LA. It's a sex club Oh, yeah, right and I go. Oh good. Good. And they go, um, come up I go, okay What no, no, I know the story I haven't told us on this podcast before. Well, now I don't want to fucking tell you. It's fine. Tell juice Me too, because I don't even know. Yeah, tell them. They haven't heard it. Okay. So they had written out this whole floor

Right, and you know how sometimes hotel rooms have other doors are just an entrance to the other hotel rooms The job a joining room So all those doors are open all the doors are open, you know, I mean on this fucking thing It was just like you could just walk into a room. Yeah, right So I'm walking. Oh, there's two guys. I walk into the room and there's these two girls on the bed completely naked I don't know. I still have half of the hotdog I gotta finish right so I just sit there at these jeans. I'm just sitting there just eating the hotdog I see them both get up from the fucking bed and come toward me

One girl starts kissing my neck And the other girl starts, you know touching my pee pee toky, right? And toky's like, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you Right, but I knew at that moment that I was about to cheat on Sarah And I just something just came over and I just pushed them aside Right, and I ran out still the chocolate hotdog. I'm running out, right? I finished it at the store the chocolate thing. Yeah Yeah, but um from your guilt. Can I tell you the funniest part to me about that?

What? So far is that you they invited you to the sex party. You went up to the rooms watched the naked girls They came over to you start kissing you and then you said I'm not gonna cheat on my girl. Yeah, this is too far What do you mean explain? I like this. I like this stop hold back hold back Explain yourself like if there was some wild sex party and they invited me I'd be like, oh, no, I'm in a monogamous relationship Yeah Oh, she's coming from a woman's perspective

But you're not but you're not an asian tv star You're not an asian tv star. I don't want to let my thanks for reminding me Not even a woman's perspective is just uh, loyal perspective Listen to me, okay, he's giving you a piece of his heart and listen to me But like they walked all the way overseas. So what you're saying to me is this you had so many chances to leave No, I want to ask is showing up to that and being on the side of that cheating No, no to walk into a hotel room where people are partying knowing it's a sex party Is that cheating to you? No, like if you found out that your boyfriend did that would you be upset? Yeah

You'll be upset just on that alone. Yeah, I'd say we we should redefine things because I've been turning down all these sex parties I keep getting invited to all these fuck parties Yeah, it's more of like an equality thing than all right, right. Okay. Okay. You want things to be equal, don't you? Yeah Uh, but let's let's have juice. Uh, say goodbye and her traditional, uh, paulie shore sign off, uh To take us out. What's up bad friends? Thank you Yes, what a good episode