Bad Friends - Bobbychella & The King's Fool

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

Get MORE Bad Friends at our Patreon!! https://www.patreon.com/c/badfriends Thank you to our Sponsors: Acorns & Hims • Acorns: Head to https://acorns.com/badfriends or download the Acorns app to get started. • Hims: For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BADFRIENDS. YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Bobbychella 5:00 Grand Madonna 10:00 Stay Hydrated 15:00 The Carlos Bible 21:30 1:00 A.M. in the Desert 26:00 How to Spot a Professional 33:00 Carlos Goes Full Navy SEAL 38:00 The Fool's King 45:00 Bowser's Castle in Malibu 50:00 You're My Queen 55:00 Standard White Clothing 1:02:00 Do Not Disturb 1:06:00 Xbox Tips More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbylee.live More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Fancy SOS VHS: https://www.youtube.com/@7equis Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.com/ Podcast Producer: Andrés Rosende This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends #sponsored #ad Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, bad friends. I am going to be in San Diego. Bobby's hometown on June 28th at the Sound in Del Mar, North County. Come on out, dude. Take a break from the water and the sun, San Diego. Come see me at the Sound. June 28th, two shows, early show and a late show, June 28th. Then July 24th, I'm going to be in St. Charles, Missouri, basically St. Louis, right

next door. Next door neighbors, come out and see me at the Ameristar Casino, St. Charles, St. Louis, Missouri. That's July 24th. June 28th in San Diego. Come out and see me. Go to Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. Andrew Santino.

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Oh, you two or something. We're bad friends. Pidi, piti, piti, piti, piti, piti, piti, piti, piti, piti, piti, piti. Pete, pete, pete, p, p, p, average white.

Pee, average white. Normal white guy Normal white guy Normal white guy Pete's a saxon All right Yeah I like it You like it

Look who's back You're still buying beef at the store Oh beef guy Big 50% up Yeah Yeah Oh yeah Eating the beef huh

I'm eating the beef Yeah what else What about gas? Gas You're doing the gas Lowest grade gas You get the low grade? Yeah

I get supreme Anyway That's just with That's gas with tomatoes And sour cream Exactly They're working It's like a baked potato

Yeah. Have you gotten a calloscopy? I haven't. Yeah, I just got mine. Oh. Let's bring up the results. No, I can just tell you the results. It was awesome. The phone call made me happy.

Yeah, yeah. Zero polyps. No polyps. No cancer. They did find a fingernail. Apparently, my ass was like a well from the silence of the lamp. Things are crawling out of it. You know what I mean? I think my poop has claws because they're just crawling out.

Something's got to be. Yeah, they found a fingernail. Yeah, yeah. and a little bit of AIDS, but you get put that in there. They tested it. It's pure. This is back from Coachella. Bobby Lee and Carlos Herrera went out to the desert.

They were at Coachella. They were ripping it up, dude. TMZ reported on it. Well, ripping it up is, I'll tell you what happened. And may I show you my Coachella experience? I'd never been before. That's why I introed it. He was showing off his wristband.

Oh, wow. Is this a hot shot with the new wristband? Yeah. It's kind of like rude. Start it over. Go ahead. Asshole? No.

They tag you now? Yeah, yeah. Ashole. Yeah, arrogant asshole. What section of Coachella? They're missing an A. Hey, well, it's up, dude. What section are you in?

Asshole. Yeah, yeah. Oh, sick, dog. I'm in douchebag. Yeah, that's artist. That's artists. So whose artist past was it? Mine.

What artist gave you an office? artist pass. Well, I'll be honest with you. We know we know a guy, you know, should we say his name? Yeah. And he's a pure white. He's a, what I like how to call a forever white. Like me. Yeah, you're a forever white. Oh, like you guys are the good ones. Right. I mean, Pete, I would put you in that category. Oh, what about McCone? Yeah, not really. Because he can turn on a dime. That's right. Yeah. And his allegiance is, I don't know who his allegiance is too. He, that he is such, a fence sitter. We don't know where he is, dude.

Yeah, yeah. He's sort of like Pakistan. Right. Right. Who are you with? We're going to negotiate. We're doing the negotiations, right? Yeah, but what?

What's really going on here? Pakistan is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so we, he really hooked us up, this guy, Cole. He's such a nice guy. I hugged him a thousand times. I was so grateful that, you know what I mean?

We were able to go. And, um... Who's the gentleman? referring to? Cole. He's the director. He's the director of the whole festival. Oh, cool.

Yeah, yeah. Really cool guy. He looked after us and we, the only show I saw, I saw two shows. No, you saw three. You were miserable at one. I barely saw one.

Well, who was the third? Oh, so the first, I say two at Sabrina Carpenter. Let me tell you about Sabrina Carbner. Fill me in. Okay, I will. She's a good performer. Pretty.

She gave it her all I had rather been in an ICE detention center I'd rather been in a Japanese internment camp It was pure, painful until That's me Until

Grand Madonna came out And when Grandma Madonna came out I was so excited Grandma Madonna Grand Madonna Madonna came out But the grand version Oh yeah

Old Madonna Yeah Grandma Madonna Yeah grandma Madonna Yeah grandma Madonna Yeah grandma Madonna Yeah yeah yeah And she did Vogue

And when you know what I mean Come on Yeah yeah yeah Let your body move Yeah Yeah Yeah Strike a pose

And when she struck a pose She had her fucking walking Her walker Yeah her walker It was incredible Well strike a pose You know what I mean And she was doing that

Right She was doing a lot of leaning against You know what I mean objects. I heard Madonna's tour bus pulled up into the handicapped parking spot. Wait a minute. But she was incredible. Was she a surprise guest? Yeah. We heard this. So, you know, I'm watching us. Here's another weird thing is when you've never heard of the music. Uh-huh. I kept calling her what, Karen Carpenter. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because I didn't, I kept missing up

the names. Karen Carpenter is a good performer. Caron Carpenter is a good at the set, right? She was good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Karen Carpenter was so good. Great music. You barely see her. She's so skinny. So this is Sabrina Carpenter. Sabrina Carpenter, she's killing it on stage. But when you haven't heard the music before, like not a single, have you heard of the music before? No, I didn't know anything.

Yeah, yeah. I kept calling to looking at Carlos and the girls, me, Jules, Issa, are going crazy, like saying the words, you know, espresso. Oh, espresso. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's her song. Oh, yeah. Is it? How does it go? I don't know.

Espresso. Get me an espresso Hey, hey, hey, why don't you get me an espresso? Let me do the lyrics and see if I can get that. Yeah, yeah, see if you can do it. Now he's thinking about me every night. Oh, isn't that sweet? I guess so.

Say you can't sleep, baby. I know. That's me espresso. You zoom it in, maybe try me doing the lyric here. Yeah, let's hear it. Move it up, down, left, right on. Switch up like Nintendo. Say you can't sleep, baby.

I know that's me espresso I can't relate to desperation my give a fucks are on vacation and I got this one boy he won't stop calling when they act this way I know I got him

wait a minute time out I can't relate to desperation my give a fucks are on vacation clean and I got this one boy he won't stop calling when they act this way you know I got him no and I don't like that

I don't like it either too bad for your ex don't do it for you walked in a dream came true it for you soft skin and I perfumed it for you yes I know ma'am do it for you yes that morning coffee brewed it for you yes that one touch brand I knew it for you now he's about me every night he's in that sweet guess you can't sleep you know that's that how good that's how it goes that's not how it goes no yeah yeah it was much slower yeah well it should

have been faster if all the songs were faster it'd be like a 15 minutes set oh you lied I turned to Carlos I go how long is this he goes 45 minutes her set yeah and then an hour An hour and a half in, I looked at him and I go, you're a fucking lawyer. It's because the strokes didn't play long last week, so I assumed it would be the same amount of time. Yeah. So, but when Grandma Madonna came out, it was exciting because she did Vogue, just like a prayer with Karen Carbrenner. And it was like, it's like a prayer is one of my favorite song. Yeah, yeah.

It's so it was like, then I got goosebumps. Right. Right. And I was, oh, fuck, you know, this is incredible. But then I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. Well, it's too many people. man oh my well in our area you're in the VIP yeah he was by the trailers like Snoop dog walked by him and he was just like laying back getting recognized snoop walked by high as a

well you're sitting next to a guy is like you know you're talking for a while and then go what do you do is like oh i'm in the suicidal tendencies oh really oh yeah yeah like that it was that kind of vibe you You know what I mean? And then so then the strokes came on the second night. Wow. And that was fun. They're good. They were good. And then I turned to Jules, Issa, and there's a kid, Kua.

They do not know who the strokes are. Easter Island. They have no idea what's going on. Well, they don't know the strokes, right? They don't know. And also, when Madonna came out, Issa goes. When who came out? Madonna came out.

Who? Grand Madonna came out. Yeah, Grandma D. Issa looked at Jules and goes, Who is that? Which is crazy. It's weird to be in this, like, they're in the gap where that's two old, and the strokes are not as old as Madonna,

but not their style of music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're missing these two. Right. That's kind of wild. Also, when you're the oldest guy in the whole place, it feels weird. Oh, you weren't.

I know, I mean, you would see other, but they're working. It's like Rick Rubin and you. Yeah, Rick Rubin and me. There's a guy with a camera that's like, I mean, been doing it for 40 years. You're in a class of your own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so then we, oh, so we're sitting there

the YouTube area. Yeah. It's lightly lit. And then we, to the second level above us was literally the Manson girls. You mean like Charles Manson's? Yeah, do you remember in, once up at a time in Hollywood, that girl that was hitchhiking?

Yeah, Margaret Qua. So there's three girls up there, they're wearing no shoes. Wait, Margaret Qualley was right now, no, no, that was Margar Qualley. Oh, I was like, that's amazing. No, that's not that. No, they were wearing no shoes. They were like hippie chicks at Spawn Ridge.

Yeah, and they're just like, yeah. Oh, and here's the most. That's cool, though. Here's the most, once I walked in, it is the most annoying, I knew I wasn't going to have a good time. The lady at the gate, she says to me, watch this. This would annoy you. Yeah.

I'm going through and she goes, stay hydrated. Oh, yeah. Like, bitch, I know what water is. Like, I've been drinking water longer than you. I know about electrolytes. I know about the whole thing. To be fair. I don't look like I'm hydrated.

You look quite dry. I do? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a sober guy. She's speaking to the drug addicts that are there. That places fill of people on drugs and drinking heavily. Yes, most, you know how many times?

Google how many people pass out or need medical help at a Coachella weekend? We asked. I guarantee you it's in the hundreds of people. Because here's why. Every year something bad, people have, they pass out, people overdone. The weekend before, a light bulb, a gigantic light bulb, this side fell on a person's head. I heard about it. Yeah, yeah.

That's crazy. Look at this. What does that say? 80 walking 21, 21, 20, okay, 84. Amputties is this right now? So last year, 100 people had to get emergency services because they're either too high. Yeah. They're not drinking water, which is why that woman is doing her job.

Yeah. And if she's doing her job, it'll go down again next year. It wasn't what she was saying is how she said it. You didn't like her vibe. Yeah. Drink water. Not yet like, stay hated. I would make me laugh, though.

It made me laugh at first, but didn't make me mad. Yeah, you got to know. Of like, you know what I know how water works. Yeah, lady, I know how water works. Yeah, I know how water works, right? I just found out. This stuff is fantastic. It's the best.

The best beverage on her. It's the best beverage on her. Yeah, yeah. But yeah. So then you're backstage. The Manson girls are there. Yeah, yeah. This is a big group or did you guys split up with you and Jules Nisa were they, did everyone go?

At that point it was me the girl I was seeing and Carlos and behind us were three Manson girls you know what no shoes on and they're just you know what I mean

just doing things vibing dude I like that I know you liked it that's when you said the thing Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah but they were like you know what I mean yeah yeah and it's like like it's also I know how much it costs to be there in that area

yeah You know what I mean? And their feet are just dirt. But you didn't have to pay for that area. They did. So that's what I'm saying. It's like here's, so I was in the artist area and there was three blokes. They're from England.

Hello, Mike. Hello, Mike. Right. And I go, oh, you're Bobby Lay. And I go, yeah. And they're like, I go, what do you guys do? You know what I mean? We're investors.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Finance investors. Yeah. And so you realize it's just all rich people. Oh, money. We've got really old money. Yeah.

I really go, yeah. And then you realize when you're there in front of a sea of people, and you go, in your mind, you're trying to have a good time, but in your mind, we're in a war! Would you ever go?

To Coachella. Yeah. I told you, I think. I went to like the fifth or sixth one ever. Yeah. And I've never been back soon. I went to it and I was like, this is, you know me.

That is my nightmare. You know me. That's my nightmare. Thousands of people. Like, I can't do that. But you know, but you're different in the fact that, like, you can enjoy, you can enjoy like the scene with, with, with the family. You can.

With the girls. Was I enjoying? You eventually did. Yeah. You found, like, good in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can go to one show. If it's a one band I want to see.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I can't do. You can't sit through Karen Carpenter for a whole day for an hour and a half. Like a festival of Karen Carpenter? Yeah. I can't do that. That gives me anxiety. I don't care.

Poop. Where do you poop? Oh, and they're nicer ones now. Oh, they do? For the VIP, there's nicer ones. They look like maybe a nobu bathroom. Bobby went to Nobu. I'll tell you about my Nobu at Coachella. Yeah, I'll tell you about my Nobu, but I want to just say this.

What? Yeah. So the Nobu is one thing. All right. So I made a promise with myself. I'll never go back. I don't care about it. Thank you.

I don't care if it's the return of Jesus Christ. I'll go to hell. Whatever. Yeah, return of Jesus Christ. I ain't going. Would he play the main stage? They couldn't get Jesus on the main stage. They're like, look.

Arianna Grande beats the numbers. Harry Stiles is going to get main stage. He's a stage coach. That's so funny. Jesus is at Bonarue. Yeah. I mean, they could do the return of the Beatles. And have George and John's bones up there.

Just, you know what I mean? I would not go. You know what I mean? I still would not go. Just Marionette. Yeah, Marionette. When you've been old, I'm going to my head.

Yeah, yeah. In print points of you. That would be so funny to say. I know. Tax man. It is a tax man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be so much.

You still wouldn't go. You wouldn't go. You would never go. I would never go back, right? It's terrible. You do the thing. So then Carlos says to me, he goes, I got you know, boo.

I go where? At Coachella. And I go, oh, that's cool, thank you. He's at seven o'clock. For my birthday, I got him, Nobu. How did you do that? And for your birthday, I got you Coachella. Thank you.

You know what I mean? So I think that I won. It's not a contest. I know, but what you just said was. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you did, you did do that. You just did do that. I'm a little edgy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, why? So he gets me. Oh, okay, I can I just say another. Yeah, I want to say this. I'm like. And I'm like, and I'm like. And I'm going to narc on you a little bit.

So first of all, you fucking lied. Because when I called you and we talked, I said, did you do any drugs at Coachella? And you said, no. Oh, I didn't consider Molly a drug. Because it's not just drugs. It's not just drugs. I'm sorry.

Can I interrupt? Can I interrupt? Yeah. Can I interrupt? Yeah. He comes out into the, because we have, we Airbnb and be the house. Yeah.

He comes into the living room. I'm sorry. Happy birthday. He brings out a Bible. Oh, no. Right. While you're on Molly? No.

And he opens up the Bible. It's not a Bible. It's a Bible. drug pharmacy Carlos you still have the drug Bible that's insane

yeah it's like a little travel case his little Bible it has a lock on it I know yeah oh thanks that's good dog and kid proof

that's why I brought it written Arabic Arabic still written Arabic that's like a Bible right inshallah yeah and so

are you mad at that no I made Bieber so much fun yeah yeah so then he makes me go to nobo now it sounds good Nobu.

I make you go to nobu. Hold, stop. Let him get it out. Where is the nobu? Just in the middle of the festival. There's a nobu in the grounds? Like they built a fucking nobu. They built a nobu in the grounds.

What? That's crazy. But unfortunately, they built it. So you're on a patio outside. And literally 200 feet away is the stage of the EDM festival. Right? So you're eating. You're eating.

You're eating sushi in an earthquake. It was the most unpleasant human experience. And I felt bad for the sushi chefs. Oh, yeah. Because you have to be there all day. Oh, I bet they got paid handsomely. Oh, I hope so. I guarantee you they made so much fucking money.

Because if they're all day listening to this, that's the view from Snowboom. I got to tell you. That's the stage. And that's not one speaker That's all of the speaker Yeah, that's the kind of speakers In Close Encounters with Third Kind

They communicate with aliens Yeah Yeah, no, now, now, now I mean that's that speaker, dude Acorns! You know what? I wish I knew about investing earlier in my life.

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of any oficorn's portfolio. Investment results will vary. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advocene, LLC, and SEC registered investment advisor view important disclosures at Acorns. Hems.com slash bad friends. Hems! Hey! When thinning starts, it's not just your hair that takes a hit. change how you feel day in and day out. And Hymns makes it simple to take control of hair regrowth with personalized care that fits your life. Look, I'm in my 40s. Bobby's in his 50s. We are all getting older and the hair is getting a little wispier, okay? You got better things new than sit in a doctor's office all day talking about your hair line. That's why Hems offers access to expert-backed hair loss treatments entirely done on the internet. Hair loss doesn't fix

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drug products which the FBA does not approve or verify for safety effectiveness or quality prescription required see website for full details restrictions and important safety information individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral monocidal and finasteride I was in the desert I was in Las Vegas yeah Viva Las Vegas interesting place interesting I've been there like it as if I've never been there do you like it in what way Exactly. In what way? Ditto.

Exactly. Ditto to you, my friend. Every time I go to Vegas, this. Your face? So much smoke. Oh, yeah. I can't breathe, dude. Michelle Wee says hi.

Who does? Who does? Michelle Wee. Oh, the athlete. Probably the greatest female golfer on earth. She loves you. Yeah. Loves you.

Oh, I wish Bobby would come to something. Yeah. Michelle We West, one of the best. And then when we were watching the strokes, Josh Adam. Myers walks by like in the elite area. To his voice. I, well, hey, I'm just out of my.

I don't know. And you know, he's with the strokes. You know what I mean? And I go, hey, Josh. He doesn't turn around. He texts in me later. Where are you? Oh, do you think he saw you and pretended

to not see you? I don't know. That's fucked up. I don't know. Ooh, Bobby. I, ooh. You saw him too, right? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You think he did a thing where it's like, I don't know. I love that move, though. What? I love that. Yeah, because he's in a different class. What does that mean?

What do you mean? He's with the band. You're with the band. No, it wasn't. I was back, we went back there to see them and I couldn't get to him. Yeah, he was looking for the stroke. I was. And you couldn't get to it.

Yeah, yeah. We couldn't find him. We couldn't find him. Yeah. But there was, we ran into that comedian Megan. Stalter. Stalter. I said hi to her.

Oh, Meg Stalter. Yeah. So funny. And then we ran into, um. Just like Minnie Mouse. Yeah. She's funny. Yeah.

And this is one kid, we still don't know who he is, but he had like three, what do you call him, Carlos? Oh, like. Piercings on his right eye. And he was just kind of sweaty. He was like, I just got offstage and mainstated. We still don't know who it was. A comedian?

No, he was a performer. Oh, yeah, yeah. There was no comedy at Coachella, right? Imagine. I mean, they could have a comedy tent and do very well, I bet. You think so? 100%. They don't have to ask the other festivals.

Yeah, they do that. What do you mean? But you wouldn't? It wouldn't be our types of comedy. I looked at the demographic. There's just no way. Who would it be? Who would headline Coachella?

Okay. Oh, this is good. This is good. I mean, first of all, Chappelle could easily do that. He could, but I'm talking about it would be more, um, like on a smaller tents. A smaller tent, more of a, I could see Mosher casher. Yeah. East types.

You know what I mean? East side. Yeah. East side. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get that.

I could see, uh, David Cross doing well. No fucking way. He would never go out there. That's another, that's when I said that, I go, I promise you this, I will not run into a single, except for Meg, but she's an actress, right? I'll not run into a traditional stand of a comic here ever. Because there's just, imagine David Tell sitting there watching Karen Carpenter. No, but that's not true. There's comics that are into psychedelics would absolutely go to that. There's a lot of comics that like music and psychedelics. I'm sure there's a lot of guys that would go do that. I just, I never ran into one. I bet you there's way more than you thought. were out there. You think so? I would assume that like yeah, no, not, you know.

I couldn't see like a traditional. Not like Louis C.K. Yeah, there's no way Louis is going to be there watching, I mean, Cyberina Carpenter. No, but there's some people that are that, yeah, there's some drug, drug comics that like to get high and listen to music. Also, it, what, what, when did Bieber end? 1 a.m. 1 a.m. Imagine being out there at 1 a.m. in the desert. It was great. Yeah, he loved it. Yeah, I'm 54. My body couldn't do it. You got to go home. I did the strokes. I did three hoops. I did three hot. and then everything broke.

Remember? He was hopping hard. Yeah, I was hopping hard. I broke from the stroke. I mean, I couldn't bob anymore. You loved it, though, because you were on MDMA. Yeah, I took it for Bieber. I didn't, yeah.

Yeah, he did. No, you were taking it all day long. I saw it. Those are mushrooms. Oh, okay. So you're eating mushrooms all day and then took Molly at night for Beaver? Yeah, it was the warm up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he slept in the house with you. He slept in the door, but I had to lock. the door. Yeah, he was literally right next to me. I had to lock the door. How many, it was a lot of rooms? Yeah, there were a lot. Like 12 rooms. And you slept next to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I had to lock his door to my room. Yeah. Because I was with my friend and it's like, I didn't want him to walk in. Right. Right. Because that would be, that'd be gross. Because then he would take his clothes off.

100%. Yeah, I mean, and then try to ram it and me. I thought about you on the week, all weekend, because I was with the table of friends and one of my friends, girlfriends, yeah, didn't understand how I could pick out which of the girls on the floor the casino were professionals. Oh, it's so easy. She's like, how do you know? I'm like, what? It's so clear. Like, it's so obvious what girls are out.

Well, tell me the rules. What's the hottest one wearing a nice shoe? First of all, dead giveaway at any casino. You go to like the bar. If you're at a casino and you're not gambling. What casino? Any, every, all, every one. All center of the, because there's always a center bar.

Well, there's always a bar that's near where the tables are, right? Whether people are paying $80 a drink, but you can get a drink for free if you just gamble. So it's the dumbest shit. Yeah. So it's usually a single girl sitting alone who's remarkably attractive wearing a dress that's not even on her body. Yeah. And she's on her phone the whole time.

Yeah. Right. And then she's waiting at the bar for, you know, old man McGillicuddy to sit down. Yeah. Who's got a suit jacket. The old guys always have a suit jacket that are rich. They don't dress like us. I love old man. Old men are the best. No, middle, middle collard cuddy. McGillicuddy. What do you say? McGillicuddy.

McGillicolet Cuddy. McGillicuddy. McGillicuddy. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And they're always alone. They always are alone.

Because then what they do is... Old man, McIlicholay? Macillicully is a night alone. Oh, he's not alone. He's with guys. Okay. But the professionals alone. Yeah.

And then she chums it up. Oh, my God. Man, man, man. And then gives him the thought, oh, this is the... She's like, who you're here with? And he's with some friends. She's like, let me get some of my friends. And then you'll see the professionals start coming, like moth to a flame.

A few other houses. girls will somehow show up out of nowhere. Or light bulb. And his older, what? Or a light bulb. Oh, moth to a flame is the phrase. Okay. I'm just any kind of source of life.

Any kind of source of life. Incondescent. I want to be, yeah. Incondescent. Yeah. And they'll show up and then you'll just notice. Yeah. Five very slovenly looking middle of nowhere men.

Yeah. With three to five unbelievably attractive women, wearing nothing half of their age. And you're like, these guys are going to get run on by these professionals. These girls are going to take these guys. We watched it happen like live. And my friend's girlfriend was like,

how did you like call that? I was like, it's so see-through. Why would that girl talk to that guy? Because he's got the cash, baby. Go to the high limit rooms. Always a professional walking around or sitting kind of waiting near it.

I would have no idea. It's so obvious. We saw that in Vegas last time. 100%. I have no idea. You can pick them off from a mile away. It was very easy. Yeah.

It happened when we were, where was I just? Oh, With Gilles my assumption would be like Oh she's her boyfriend's in the bathroom No You know I mean Oh she's just waiting for her boyfriend in the bathroom

You can always tell Really? It's just there's a vibe that they're doing That you're like they're obviously waiting For their target Like they're waiting for the target to arrive If you walk up to her and if guys walk up to her And flirt with her which I'm sure they do

She probably fucks them off Why? Because she's looking for the she goes fishing She's not looking to be caught She's fishing Oh she's fishing She's finding the idiot that she's looking to take down. So they find the guy.

You see all these things like Target take down. What is going on here? They're all in the military. Yeah, because you're scaring me. Well, they work. They seriously works. Like, everything is strategy. You can just see the way they operate.

It's all strategy, by the way they operate with these guys. But we watched it happen and she was shocked. She couldn't believe it. I was like, well, we saw it in Vegas together. And then when I was with Gill, same thing. We sit at the bar. Me and DeRosa are sitting at the bar having a cocktail. Yeah.

I'm about to go to bed because I play golf the next morning. Yeah. And this girl's sitting alone. And then she slowly is like kind of leaning in on our conversation. And she zones in on DeRosa. And I slowly fade off into the background. Right. And I can see it happening.

You become a whisper. And I texted him. I said, Joe, don't do anything stupid. Oh. So, but what happens next? Then she does chats. Who you hear with that. Tell me the rules.

Then he buys her a drink. He buys her a drink. Then it's like, oh, have another drink. How much is that? Do you want to gamble? Drinks of those bars are like $25, probably. They're a rip-off. They don't drink, so.

And then she goes, oh, I want to go gamble. Do you want to gamble? Oh, my God, let's go gamble. Just you and me. Separate him from the herd, right? This is how they kill their prey. And they go, let's go gamble, you and me. So then they take him to a table.

I've seen it happen. I've seen it happen. And then they take them to a table. Or they go, let's play slots or whatever. And it's like. So you can tell this guy, this target, right? You can call them the USA. Yeah.

I mean, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you take the USA into, you know what I mean, a hostile environment. Because the USA thinks he's the man. I'm the man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got money. I'll give you money.

I'll give you whatever you want. Whatever you want, okay. Now I'm beginning to see it now, yeah. I'm beginning to see it now. Yeah, okay. Maybe the greatest analogy of all time. I think so, I think so. I mean, it's perfect.

Yeah, it's perfect. And they separate them, they start to gamble. They're drinking more. They're gambling. Right, right. Maybe then, then, then comes in the drop about. Yeah. Should we get a bag?

Whoa. Do you want to, oh, do you like to party? Yeah, yeah. Then this drops in, right? Then you start to see the swirl. What's a bag? Coke. Do you want a bag?

Should we get a bag? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And then depending on if... Is that the term? Get a bag, yeah.

Yeah, because I wouldn't know what that meant. And she goes, if you want a bag, I go, want bag, groceries. What, you want, you want Instacart? Let's go to Trader Joe. Like, I wouldn't know the term. It would be so funny to take a prostitute just to Trader Joe's. Yeah. This is what I meant.

You know what I mean? I just want to stuff for my apartment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then they ask for drugs and if the subject is... Like, if I said, I don't do bags. That's fine. You're probably less likely now for her to attack harder. Oh, okay, so give me the situation.

All right. I say, okay, I say, all right. So you're sober. Yeah, I've been sober for four years. Oh. And I'm going to talk like Coachella. I just wanted to go. I was just there.

You know what I mean? Hydray. And then so I'm the professional. You're the professional. So, yeah, I don't do drugs. I've been sober for four years. It's no problem. That's not a back.

That's no problem. That's not a problem? Not at all. Okay. So what do we do next? Let's go gamble some more. Okay, let's gamble. So we're gambling.

I spend about three grand, right? And then at one point, what happens after that? She goes, oh, God, is this hotel nice? Oh, yeah, I have a suite here. You do? Yeah. Can I check it out? I want to see.

I've never seen the suites here. Okay. See? All right, so we go in the elevator, boop, because you have to put the boop. You're in the elevator. Yeah, yeah. And you have to hack your room key, boop it.

Right? Dun, do, do, d'un, yeah. So once you see the room, I mean, what happens? I just wanna check it out. Oh, you wanna check it out? All right, we're in the room. Is there a mini bar in here? Yeah, I wanna do a shot, let's do a shot.

Yeah, I don't drink, I just fucking said that. I don't do bags or drink. Can I do a shot? Yeah, I guess. Okay, I do a shot. Right, ready? I'm feeling good. It's warm in here.

Shirts off, tits out. go to the bathroom first to text her pimp that she's okay. Oh. Oh. So the bathroom. Yeah, yeah. By the way, by the way, yeah, yeah.

I've only seen this from the floor level. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carlos needs to take it from here. Right. I actually don't know the next move. I'm making it up as we go. But that sounds right. Yeah, yeah.

She texts her pimp. Well, tell us what they do when they get into the room. Hold on. Can I use your restroom? And then like, it's like 10 minutes. It's way too long. Like things are happening. How much does this cost?

Carlos? Yeah. In Vegas, a G minimum. And then she's going to be. She's going to take her shirt off. Yeah. She'd be like, oh, if you want to do anything else, you have to tip me. So they take their shirt off.

Yeah. They're like, okay. And she says you have to tip me, but you already paid her $1,000? Anything else is extra, you have to tip me. So $1,000 is just to hang with her? Yeah, just for five minutes. No, that's no way. I'm serious.

For nothing. That's how they really. Yeah, I'm out. That's how they rip people off. You're not even getting like a tuggy or something? No, that's how they rip people off in Vegas or L.A. It feels too. You know what I mean?

The only story I know, I mean, other than the ones you've told me, but from a friend of mine who isn't a guy that would do this usually, this was very out of pocket for him. But I think he was newly single and going through a rough patch. Yeah. This is a long time ago. But he told me they were drinking and he thinks that she drugged him. Well, okay, she knows. I mean, he was drinking all day. He was hammered.

But then he passed out, blacked out, passed out. And then when he woke up, his watch and his cash were gone. Oh, yeah, that happens to like NBA players all the time. Yeah, and they call on their friends and come rob. What's the worth? What is it worth it? It's not worth it. Well, not that way.

Just jerk off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's what I do. Just jerk off. Yeah, but see, but here's a different. Or get on Luxa Pro. Yeah, that's what I. Get it on an SSRI.

Yeah. That does help. This is the commercial for SSRIs. Are you having trouble with prostitutes? Get on an SSRI. No, but so have you been robbed before? No. Because I've always-

But you know the stories. Yeah, you know. So you keep doing it. And in those situations and I've like backed out. But why are you still doing it knowing that it's dangerous? Oh, that was so long ago.

Yeah, but he- I'm the pro. No, but here's, I know, you're the pro now. It's so gross. But here's the thing about you. You think you're the pro. You like excitement. Yeah.

You're sort of like a Navy seal in that way. Exactly. And in no other way whatsoever. It's so disrespectful to the Navy SEals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like some of the most. Like, adored,

athletically, mentally, physically strong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are nothing like the Navy SEAL. Except for this way. Except for this way. Can we train in California?

They train all over the place. Yeah, all over the place. Okay. All over the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, he's gonna run. Are you good at water?

I'm good at water. Okay, he's good at water. Have you seen him swim? No. Not a water guy. No, you know what you are? You're not a seal. Yeah.

You're, well, you're a beached seal. That's nice. You're chilling on the beach. See? Oh, it'd be so funny if his, like, you know what I mean, his patrol or what, right? They're still fighting. They're, where's Carlos? And he's still swimming?

This is two days in. 100 yards off the shore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on my way. I just be vaping the whole time. You'd be vaping in the water. Yeah, you're not a field. Watching basketball on my iPhone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, vaping, I wish overtook cigarettes completely because of this in Vegas every time. And now it's like people still smoke in Vegas, even though I know they don't smoke, back where they're from this game people play. Just vape. Please vape. Because I don't, I don't, I'm huffing and puffing your shit of it. Just vape.

Everywhere should be vape. They should only sell vapes everywhere all over Vegas. No one's cigarettes. It's fucking obnoxious. How was he a Navy SEAL again? I forgot. I spaced out. Oh no, I know why?

Because you like extreme. Yes. You mean. Oh, you like danger. Yeah. You like danger. You're like living on the edge, even at your age. Arrow Smith.

Yeah. Yeah. And you like, um, the mystery of it all. Yeah, like the chase. Yeah. Yeah, I've like run from the cops three times. Yeah, you told me about the motorcycle thing and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But so now you think you've got it at a place where if you get, if you pay for a friend. Yeah. If we're going to say this eloquently, you think you're safe from any sort of. Oh, I know I am because I'm like a member of certain things where it's all verified. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean?

You're in a private club. Oh. Yeah. I'm going to tell you this right now. I want to know how much you pay to be in a private club. private. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I got in early. He got an early. He invested earlier. Like, as, I literally, like it's AI.

It's inside of trading. Yeah. Yeah. Who else is in there? Yeah, who is else in there? What other insider traders are in there? I feel like there are famous people in there, but I would... In your private club. Wow. I believe that if Carlos was a king... Oh, this is what you said about... No, no, no, no, no, if I, if Carlos was a king,

that we'd all be dead. Popper, popper, popper, popper. What do you mean? Popper, Popper, Popper. What's a Popper? What's a Popper. A prince of popper, he's a pauper. He's a pauper. Yeah, yeah. But do you think we'd be alive? If he was a king.

Yeah. Only because of the loyalty that we've had, he's had to us so far, we'd still live through his, his. Yeah, but what position will we have? Well, ask him, he's right there. Yeah, like, you're a king. What position do I have?

And be completely honest. Oh, obviously, you're my court's jester. Yeah, that's fine, of course. You're my fool. What do I get, though? I'm your fool? You're my fool? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I keep you drunk and I make you relapse. Wow, okay. And you have a chain around your neck. I do. Like a bear in Russia in like the 1800s. Yeah, but do I get like a condo or an area to a good night? Condo? Or place in the castle to sleep?

The jester lives in the basement. I live in the basement? No, I would give them like a really cool view of like the ocean. Oh, cool. Can I get no chain? No, chain always. Why? Yeah, there's just chains.

And you have a guy walking with you all the time to watch you. Oh, I have like an assistant. No, it's a bodyguard. but he works for me. He's watching you all. Right, right, right. Just making sure you don't get any ideas. Exactly. To leave. Anything.

Yeah, yeah, to anything. All right, what am I? Well, just one last question. I'm sorry, I'm the gesture. So I have a couple of questions. Well, the gesture's not allowed to speak, really. I know, but how many times you have to perform? How many times who I want to perform?

Whenever I want, when I wake up, I need like a funny, like, ringtone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and like my phone rings, it makes to always be on silent. Yeah. But you do the ringtone vocally. Exactly. Okay. All right.

I would love that one. Yeah, yeah. Do I get to have a girlfriend? Think carefully, King. This is why they're doing the No King's protest, by the way. If you behave. After like three years, we'll review it again. Oh, you get to apply.

Yeah. So I get nothing until three years. Yeah, exactly. You're absolutely nothing. I'm going to change your taste in humans. Do I get Wi-Fi? I'm going to turn you full gay. Yeah, do I get Wi-Fi?

Yeah, you can have Wi-Fi. Okay, cool. Turn him full gay? Turn me full gay. Yeah, I'm going to do experiments where I get them hard. but there's like pictures of men. And so like reactivate his brain to only be attracted to men.

This sounds like just Hollywood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been in this casting. Yeah, I don't want to be. Yeah, chain's a good idea because I would want to get out. What is Andrew? Where am I on the king's on the king's court?

And don't talk out of fear. Yeah, don't. No, I have a good one for him. Oh, good. Head of the Air Force. Wow. With honor, my king. Which means he's nowhere near you.

That's right. Yeah, he's out there. He's out there. I'm out there. You're out there. He's telling drones to do what. What? He's telling drones what to do.

I'm starting fucking war, dog. Yeah, yeah. If he's the king. Do we have communication? No. Why? Only talks to me. Yeah, I can't talk to him?

Like, how's the war going? Well, can I come see the jester one? Yeah, yeah. If you need a laugh and things are too hard. Yeah, yeah. You can come over. This is a romantic comedy that I'm the head of the Royal Air Force. Yeah.

And I have to sneak to come see you do shows. Yeah. And afterwards, we hang out late night fucking around. Yeah, yeah. This is like a romantic love story. Right. It would infuriate me, though. But you're never going to catch us.

There would be an opening on the door, right? And the chain only goes to get to the opening of the door, right? So you hear it. And I go, Andrew. Chester. Hey, yeah. How are you, buddy? Not great, dude.

Two years I haven't been late. Yeah, and I think I'm gay. I love you. I got to go. I got to go. I have to go bomb. I ran. All right. So what is McCone's, what is McCone's job?

Hmm. Oh, he obviously just like films and vlogs everything for me. Right. So he's doing that now. So he gets a better job than me. Yeah. No, y'all do what y'all are best at. That's true. Yeah, but why do I have a change? You're the best fool. You're the best fool. And the chain is because I always want you to make me laugh and I think it will get tiring and you won't be allowed to leave. But eventually, I'll stop making you laugh. Because you know my temperament. Oh, then you do like scientific experience on me. Does McCone have all access to the kingdom? He has a-

Because he's filming. He has an all-access A band. This is where the king fucked up. All right, what, what, what band do I have? G.A. General admission. You're genadmish. General admission for sure.

What do I? I gave you VIP for Coachella. What do I have? What band am I have? Your artist pass for sure. Oh, I get artists past. So I'm not all access, but I just get Your says AF Air Force.

Air Force. Air Force, Air Force Access. Yeah. And can I tell you something? Listen, this is where he fucked up. Because the king already laid out the rules. McCone, you know damn well. Oh, no. He's going to eventually sneak down to the Jester's Cave because of his crush on you and break you free.

You know he's going to go behind Carlos. We'll not. You know what'll happen? In that opening, I'll just see a camera. You'll be filming you. It'll be just filming me. It's great content. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's not going to help with shit. I disagree. Yeah, yeah. Am I right, though? You would try to break him out, wouldn't you, you little fucker? No, I'd film for a bit, but then when he was doing the same things, we did something new for the video, so we'll break him out. And Pete, where's Pete in this whole thing? Yeah, Pete is not a wrong on.

No, we have a royal podcast every week. Ah, and I like that. It's the only one available. And he stays in the podcast space. Yeah, he's a producer, but he's not allowed to leave the podcast room. He doesn't want to. I'm a good podcast, or can I be in the podcast? Of course.

You're the fool. My Air Force sergeant is to tell me No, no, that's a threat to security, sir. It is? We can't have that, the king. Okay. All right, and then what does Andreas have? Address.

Well, this is interesting. What does the king do with Andres? Yeah. Head of fashion in our country. He designs the uniforms for the military. The least fashionable guy in this show is the head of fashion. That's the funniest thing I've ever said. That's insane.

What's that good? What's the cold he wears? Desiua. Dezio, we're all working. Half plaid. Half shirt. You end up, wait, he ends up designing the kingdom. It's all Deziole Kingdom.

Oh my God, we look terrible. Oh my God. And we're changing the language. And Andreas is the head of that. We're changing it to Spanish. We're all going to be speaking Spanish. It'll be like we're in L.A. Yeah.

How can I be funny? I don't know Spanish. You're going to learn it. You're going to. A Mexican cartoon or something. Gestors only have one good phrase. Look up in Spanish how to say, piss in my mouth. Here.

Let's hear it. Orina in my boca. That's all I say. Very good. The gesture just walks around. Orina in my boca. Yeah, yeah. Constantly, people peeing in my mouth.

Wow. That's how you feel about me. That's how you feel about You really did Yeah, yeah You're so funny There's a lot of creativity to throw Yeah, yeah, yeah, I bought for every meal

in Coachella No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you VIP and good Coachella We got better than VIP Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you A free place to stay in Coachella Thank you Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

And I'm still, the gesture Gets his peed on and is gay I thought Is that the rule? I thought it'd be an honor It's not an honor, dude It's a disgrace I get the worst job in your kingdom.

Oh, it's incredible. It's not incredible, dude. I have a chain on my neck. I live in a cave. But for me, it's great. We get to hang out all the time. No, I'm not hanging out with you, dude. Well, no.

You're hanging out with you. He's not hanging out with you. That's the difference. You have to hang with him. I'm going to tell you right now. Click on that one more time. Yeah, what? Just let me hear it.

Orina and my boca. We got to make a merch shirt of him going. Pissing my mouth. Orina and my boca. I bet you. I could convince him to move up, I think. No chance. Oh, dude, he's so highly manipulative.

The power. That's you. That's you and Carlos. Yeah. Oh my God, dude. It's so fucking true. Oh, my God. That's how you feel.

That's how you feel about me, dude. Because I think that's fun, man. That's for me. I love you, dude. Yeah, because I love. I'm fucked. No, it's forced love. It's forced love.

Dude, I want that photo here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want that in the studio. Yeah, yeah. That is Mary Evans, that's amazing. What does Jules get? Rudy. Oh, that's interesting.

She's like in our CIA. Oh, she gets a higher position. Zero dark. Zero dark 30. She is waterboarding. She is our assassin. Right, right. She's our secret assassin.

And I was waterboarding. I'm going to work closely with her on using her to infiltrate other kids. kingdoms to try to make yours more cancer. God, you have so much, you guys get so cool roles. You know what I would do? I would do a monochristo, dude. I would take a piece of rock. And start slowly.

25 years. Yeah, chipping away. You know what I mean? I just need like a Brigitte Fonda of some poster. Good double reference. I like that. Shawshank. Shawshank Montecristo, right?

One day I would go, for my birthday. What you say there, Fussy Bridges? Yeah. Can I get a, um, whatever. poster. What is that? Oh, you're going to wake him where he's going to wear one of a gimp mask. We're trying to do that. So when you try to break out. Oh, when you catch me.

Yeah. So you're going to do poster inspections? 100%. I've seen Shosh. Oh, fuck. You're going to be in a gimp mask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are there other people? Let me ask you this. Hey, by the way, can still orina in my boca and that too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's in your eyes. Look at the whole mouth old mouth. Yeah. And it's so close off on the neck, it fills up. Oh my god Those eyes are pre-cut for you I want the right one

That looks cooler It looks like yours Yeah yeah yeah that looks cooler I look like Batman Yeah yeah yeah So are there other people Where I'm living The caves

Are there other people Of you don't worry No Oh I'm not worried He wants to know about community Oh look at the fucking ocean Well in a that mask And a fucking chain

Wait Well that's only if you misbehaved Where's the castle by the way Yeah What location are we? What is it? the castle look like? Try to find it. No, we've moved the capital from D.C. to L.A.

So we live here. Yeah. And we live where? Malibu. Malibu? Malibu. That's at least nice. Iron man. For you. Where?

I don't live in the Alibu. Yeah. For all of you, but me. No. I'm the head of the Air Force. I live way in the middle of no. You live at the castle on the sea. This is where you live. Yeah. You know what I get? This is what I'm going to do. I'll look out the window and go, oh, there's Mill Gibson.

Running on the beach. That's what the castle looks like. Bowser's castle, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then where am I now? So, that's where I'm at all the time. The penhouse. The penthouse, yeah.

Where am I at? In the face. Well, that's not the facing the ocean? Oh, that's facing the ocean. It is. Okay. Okay. All right.

So can I see the left tower or far left tower? Can I be there? No, you don't get to choose. There's only so many chains. It's a chain issue, dude. You have plenty of chains. Also, dude, that left that left, that left That's the bathroom.

Oh, it is? I'd rather... Okay. Yeah, see, you'll live up there. Oh, where near you? Yeah, yeah, you're right under me. Yeah, yeah, you're not gonna sleep. I'll tell you that.

Am I screaming? You know they used to do that. They used to carve out little pieces so they would poop over the wall outside of the castle so it would fill up the moat with like poop and pee and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah.

They would deter people from trying to swimming through it. Am I near there? You're by the poop pee mote. Yeah, but you also have to clean it because it has to be seethrasing. So he gets to clean the poop moat every day? Oh, he collects the shit buckets. Whenever he wants.

Oh, whenever I want! Whenever! All day long! Yeah, it's whenever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. collects the shit buckets from all the... You know my work ethic. That is going to be filled with shit and pee.

I ain't doing shit. You're going to love the iron mask then. I'll wear the iron mask and pee in my face. I don't care. This is the issue. Yeah, yeah, this is a big issue. Your colony we would call the shit castles. Ah, down at shit castle.

All right, you're the king. Oh, brother. Yeah, yeah. What am I? Phenomenal. What am I? If I'm the king Yeah

What are you? Yeah I would have I If you're gonna not like this answer What? You're not gonna like this answer Oh alright

You're gonna be my queen That's better than fucking shit P-Pet phase Yeah but but But the queen gets beaten daily Oh Yeah By you?

All of us By the king? My entire court And the queen's only only allowed one phrase. What? This is my mouth. Yeah,

the same phrase. Dude, I get treated like shit. No, no, no, you're my queen. Let's be real.

I don't want to be your queen. You can have a woman. No. Your wife. No, I want you. Yeah, no, I know. You're my little.

Give me something aside from queen. I'm begging you. All right. You'll be my geisha girl. I'm thinking of that, dude. Can I be vice president? Do you think in medieval times?

You would be anything but a good role, man. a jester or a geisha girl, that's what you would be. No, no, no. How about this? Just send me out and I'll be like a, what do you call it? Can't trust you in the field. No, like you go, you're a representative in Belgium. No.

Yes. That's you there. Why can't I have, what do you call them? An ambassador. Absolutely. Give me in Alaska. We can't have you represent us. Anywhere.

No. Yeah, yeah. How about a place that no one wants to go? where right like you know that little area between south america and north america where all those snakes and all that where people can't walk central america yeah central america there's a chunk of land where there's no roads it's impossible to get through because of it's just the terrain and no one lives there because there's so many snakes the guy and pluribus got through it yeah so that area yeah yeah can i be the that but then you're going to live there yeah i will find a way to live there

I don't like you begging. No, back to the castle. I can't even get that. My queen, back to the castle. Oh, fuck. I'm fucked with both. How about you, Pete? Pete's my designated toe sucker, by the way.

Pete sucks my toe over every single night. I'll do it. Lucky. See, I'll do it. See? Can I do toe sucking? No way. Do my toe sucking ability.

You're not sucking toe. Yeah, dude. No, Pete's on it. I'll even rim the toes. You want me to rim your toes? All right. All right. Well, what would Carlos be in my kingdom?

What would he be in your kingdom? Oh, dude. He wouldn't be in the kingdom. Oh, so now this is retaliation. It's a what? Enemy of the state. Oh, yeah, yeah, you're definitely enemy at state. Yeah, you're number one on the FBI most wanted list.

You're bin Laden. That's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And everybody's hunting you. Everyone's hunting. Yeah, every country. I'm going to have everyone hunt you. Sounds awesome.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're a dead man, dude. Andres would be my groundskeeper for sure. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd make everything so nice. Not fashion, but ground key. Ground key, ground key. He can do fashion in the grounds.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he wants to desiwal landscape, he can. Yeah, yeah. He can desiwal the bushes. What would McCone be in your little kingdom? Oh, I would have a lesbian legs show. Oh. Oh, and he's the head lesbian leg.

Head leg. He had leg of the lesbian leg show. Yeah, yeah, because your legs are like lesbians. Just puffy, white, thick. You know what I mean? Come over here. Yeah, yeah. Let me see your leg.

Yeah, your legs are the worst. We've got to see these things. Yeah, yeah. You do have weird legs Yeah Take your pants off Yeah Yeah

Yeah Subaru Outback Yeah Those are those are kind of like lesbian legs If you shave them They would be lesbian legs Yeah Get out of here He's softball player

Yeah McCone in my In my kingdom I would send him on missions That have no purpose whatsoever Just to get him out of the kingdom For a little while You know

I'm like you have to go To the land of Kuanang and find a three-legged woman. He's gone for like six months. Years! And he comes back, defeated. Yeah, yeah. My lord, I could not find the three-legged woman.

Fine. Then you'll complete yet another mission. You'll fail yet one more. And I'll send him out again to do what? What? What's the other mission we send him out for? Oh, stats. Stats.

You must go to Colonga. Colonga. And count every single strawberry ever grown in one season. I don't want the numbers off at all. And if they are. If they are. Off with your head! Off with your head.

This is what you'd do on tour already. You'd send me on impossible missions. Impossible missions. It's the best in the world. I love sending him on my mission. Yeah. And then you criticize him when he comes back and he fails them because of course he would fail. Yeah.

How could he do anything otherwise? Pete would be executioner. Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'd have him with the black robe. That is so accurate. It's so accurate. It's so accurate. Black, no one knows who you are, so don't feel guilty.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can tell it's Pete. Yeah, yeah. I'll be good at it. Look, it's just that. That's that.

Pete. Yeah, but he walks up, he's like, hey, it's Pete. Yeah, yeah, yeah, people know his name. Yeah, yeah, it's Pete the butcher. Pete the butcher. Yeah, there's a, you know what I mean? Yeah. Pete's so funny. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's me. Yeah. We try to cut off somebody's head. The rig doesn't work. And Pete's like, it must be a USBC wire that's not going to. Yeah. And Andreas for me would be spokesperson. A lot of miscommunication. I know. That's why. That's why. Right. What I tell him is not going to be, no one's going to understand what It's like code. Yeah, it's code.

It's code. Yeah, yeah. It's actually brilliant. Yeah, yeah. Because no one's going to understand. No one's going to understand what he's saying. We plan to be just out tomorrow. Yeah, yeah.

What did the King's communicator say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You speak only through him. Yeah, and I go, well, you know, all the information I told him. Italian Trump? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm telling this right now. In two weeks.

In two weeks, it'll be done. You know what I mean? But yeah, I would be huge by my communicator. But for. fashion, I would have to go for outside help. Yeah, who's designing? Rick Ingram. I mean, that's...

Just standard Gap. Just guy. Yeah, guy. Gap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm not dressed like that as the king. You make your court. No, I'm Valencia.

You know what I mean? But, like, everyone else... Rick is one of the funniest comics in the world. In the world. But he has just standard... Common people fashion. Shirt. Yeah, yeah.

T-shirt, jeans. Yeah. And fucking, you know. I'm that way, though. I'm T-shirt. I'm standard white. Yeah, yeah, standard white. Standard white.

A standard white clothing style, except for me. Yeah, yeah. Except for you. The king. The king. And the king wears what? What does the king wear? Oh, Jesus Christ.

Probably every day is a different, you know, Varachi and then like. Versace. No, Varachi is the knockoff. Verace Oh fuck What king was known to have the best fashion Louis the 14th They said this guy was

Best fashion Also was gay, right? I mean he was gay Give us like a straight king That's Bobby Lee Yeah That's 100% Bobby Lee What are you gonna do anything

For your birthday? I did it all weekend I'm gonna watch Euphoria And take Xanax later That's my big plan What's this big about euphoria? I'm not to have you done it Bob?

Euphoria? No, no. I see the kids watching it and I try to sit there and watch and it's like not my thing. Not for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, have fun on euphoria.

We got you a little something. Yeah, we did. And also, you know, as you get older, you know, there's just some things you just can't watch anymore. Why? Euphoria, why? I think this hasn't, let's tie it into Coachella.

It's just like there's a language that it's just too young and too, too hip. and hip and. I like how you're bringing out Carlos' cake to me, but it's going to him. Yeah, yeah.

Well, for the cameras, you guys are also on camera in the booth. Yeah. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Carlos. Happy birthday to you. 38?

39. 39. Make a wish. Wow. Wow. 40 next year. dear, dude. I can't believe it. And you know what he said by 40, you know he's going to have.

Oh, yeah, I'm going to have hair. He's going to get his hair down. Have hair. So he'll have hair before while he's 40 years old. And those are nuggets, right? And then we also got you an Airwant smoothie there from, which smoothie is that? Who's is that? Is that one of the girls that was at Coachella? The Haley Bieber one. There you go. Was she there? Was she there? Yeah, dude. Does she sing? Is she a perform? What does she do?

She's Alec or Stephen Baldwin's daughter. I know. She's married to Justin Bieber. I'm saying, what does she do? Is she a singer? She's a mom. She's a beauty. before she met him What do you get angry for? Because they're saying it like He's a nice person I'm saying he's so fucking angry for

What did she do? She's the fucking houseball and the daughter She's just famous Yeah Oh that's so good Is that good? Yeah hell yeah Thank you guys

Dude I did You know what I did the other day When I was in Arizona Before I went to Vegas I did the bad boy The bad boy mini bar I went back to the room Watch movies and I ate the entire

Fucking mini bar You were that hungry Beef jerky two bags of chips I was just like feeling I was having a night, dude It's so fun Isn't it so fun to clear it out? Because you're like, I might as well get for the other fuck

I was like chocolate almonds I was like yeah absolutely And then I was like you know I'm being pretty good with these Yeah, gummy bears Gummy bears Gummy bear Yeah yeah Don't you hit it when you go to a hotel

And there is no It's a joke It's a joke Yeah what they have an empty refrigerator Like you have to go And no snacks No snacks No snacks

Bullshit Here's let's name the things that are there Okay yeah All right. There's always like an artisan bag of potato chips. Yeah, a brand that you don't know. You've never heard of it. Yeah. Mama Jenkins, Hickory Barbecue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like local?

Local own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Number two, beef jerky. Always. Always beef jerky. And another brand that I've never heard of. Yeah, another brand you've never heard of. Right. Yeah. And it's always in the city that you're from. Tunix ranch. Right. Fine.

So gummy berries is always another one. Gotta be. Yeah, there's got to be. And then one of the variations of nuts, either mixed nuts or just, um, Or just cashews or almonds. Almond. Yeah, yeah. There's always a chocolate-covered almond thing sometimes. I do love this.

I like, I eat the fuck out of those. So good. What else do they have there? Well, it depends on the class level. Yeah. Because sometimes at a high-class hotel, it'll be peanut M&Ms, but they'll put it in a jar. So it'll be like, not in the bag. Yeah, yeah.

They'll put it in another jar. Just fucking, yeah, like this at the wind. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they just put it in something else. And yet you still eat it. I think it looks healthier because it's in a jar. I mean, it's in a jar better for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, in Hawaii, what they do is they gave me a fresh fruit of fruit. Fresh fruit of fruit. Sometimes they give you a fresh fruit of fruit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you can get it. And then when it's through Carlos and Gilbert's wife, Cindy, right, I get, I always open the refrigerator there and there's Diet Coke, water, and sugar-free red bowl. What else do you need? Yeah.

Those are the beverages. It's like cater to me. Which is I really appreciate. Yeah, I mean, my boss. Yeah, but I think I would, I don't want to be gesture. What if I left a girl in there for you? That's, okay, good. Now we're negotiating.

Yeah, but she's seven foot two. Yeah. And she weighs 385 pounds. It's fine. It's fine. She's a man. Let me ask you this. When you put your help.

It's back to the gay thing right away. Now, I took this in Australia. I was after you cleared out our mini bar. Passed out and I ate the entire mini bar. I was so hungry We came back I was like Let me in your fucking room

And I ate their whole Mini Bar and then I slept In McCone's bed What do we watch on TV We were watching a movie We were watching I think Fear and Loathing Oh yeah we were

Wow By the way You see that bag of chips next to me Yeah gone Gone I fucking peeled off Everything in your mini bar And then I charged my headphones there

Now how long do you keep The Do Not Disturb On your door? The entire fucking weekend So you don't let them clean your room What do we get? I don't need it. Just give me new towels.

I just want new towels. Unless it's if I'm alone. Yeah. If my wife's with me, we get service. Yeah. But I'm alone. Yeah. Leave me alone.

I keep it at 65 degrees. Yeah. Give me new towels. Leave me alone. I'm a service hunter. Oh, you are? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm one of those rare service hunter.

You want it all the time. No, what I do is... You meet him at the bar. You ask him to get a bag. What I do is because my do not disturb sign. is always until 3, 4 p.m. Yeah. And they stop kind of like,

they go home or whatever. Yeah, they're gone. So I'll take it off. I'll go to the front desk and go, where are they? Where are they? And they're like, we have one on floor three.

Where is she? And I'll go to three. And I'll go to every room to see where they're cleaning and I'll give them $100. To come clean your room. And I go, I'm in room 8, 19. Great.

Right. Clean room. I'm a service hunter. Okay, let's do the rules then. What are the rules? If you have the, if you have service come to your room every day. And you're doing a three-day stint.

Friday night, Saturday, Sunday night, right? Or Thursday, Friday, say, whatever. How much money do you leave money every day or at the end of your stay? Do you leave a tip at the end of your stay? And hold on before you answer. Okay, I already know the answer, but... I know you do, but listen. But it's, but you're going to hear why I...

Pete, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Do you leave every night, money every day when they clean, or do you leave it at the end of the day? I'd leave it at the end. End of the day and what do you leave, Pete? 100 bucks. 100 bucks. No matter what? Right?

Yeah, that's the tip. What do you do, McCone? He asked me for money. Go on. Carlos? Cash. What do you do? You do every night?

Oh, no. And the end. The end. Okay, how much? Do you leave? 200. No, he does. He's a liar.

He's a liar. I just eat your nuggets. Look at me in the face. Yeah. 20 bucks. Yeah. Open up your Bible. I bet you leave 20 bucks.

I didn't even know you had to tip them. See, that's what I'm saying. Why'd you lie? What the fuck do you mean? You don't know he have to tip them? They have a job? Oh, I see who you voted for. I know who you voted for.

I thought you only tip waiters. Just that's the only people you tip in public? Okay, I tip. Here's the thing. If I get up early to get the breakfast. In the room? No, I go out. Downstairs.

Yeah, I get the breakfast. Correct. I take it off. And if I go back up and they already cleaned it, I leave no tip. Hmm. Because I still have the service hunt then. Correct. Right?

Yeah. And service hunt takes a long time sometimes. Right. Right. But if I catch them in the act of cleaning, right, then I tip. Got it. Right. But when I actually service hunt, I tip.

Get it. Yeah. Got it. But if it's already clean. No need. No need. Right. Yeah.

That's my thing. I do it. I only do it at the end because of this. How do you do it? I don't want people coming and going. So there's always little notepad with a little pen always on a desk somewhere. And I write, thank you so much. And then if I've acquired something like this weekend, I left,

that we got a swag bag of stuff I just didn't want I was gonna bring it from a cone but all the other things I've given him are wear in the back seat of your fucking car I gave him a ton of clothes new swag

throws them in his fucking accord in the back yeah very nice dude I'm gonna not give you shit anymore my backups in case I need I'm not gonna give you shit anymore you have too much free shit so then I had a backpack

a bottle of tequila like hats some clothes like a like cool throw over shit you know like and I wrote free if you'd like it yeah

bottle of tequila yours, a nice new backpack and some baseball caps. Yeah. And then I, and I, and I, but how much do I leave? 20 bucks. 20 bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. 100?

I leave 100. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I live 100 every time. Unless, if it's my wife and I, yeah. And I make, we make in a mess every day. Yeah. Like there's shit all over the fucking place. Because women for some reason set off a, a bomb in the fucking bathroom.

I'll leave them a little bit more. I'll do like a buck and a half. You know what the Ritz does? they wash your clothes and fold them. You have to pay for that. No. Yes, you do.

I did? Yes. I'm sure we did it on tour. No, when I, in Hawaii. Bobby's like, you're not going to believe this. I put all my clothes in the washer thinking that later at night I was going to wash them. By the time I got home,

they had washed it, dried it, and folded it. Yes, laundry services at the rich Carlton properties in Hawaii, Kapaloo or Waikiki are very extra cost. Oh, fuck! Yeah, you pay for them. And I gave the money. Well, and then you tipped on top of the money. Okay. Before the internet, though, okay?

Before we had internet access. 40 years ago. 40 years. Yeah, yeah. I used to leave. This is what I used to leave. DVD players. What?

In your fucking hotel room? In my hotel room, I would write a note. This is your DVD player. What? Would you just go bought a DVD player? Because you'd buy it at Best Buy to watch movies in the weekend? Not movies. Porn?

Yes. Got it. Did you leave some of the porn in there or no? No. I would take the porn. They're discs. Right. Yeah.

I would leave with the disc, but leave the DVD play. By the way, he could have bought porn from the TV for like $50. Yeah, but they're fuzzy, and there's five options. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Carlos always finds an opportunity to look up, even though he knows what porn DVDs look like. Yeah, yeah, he'll look it up, yeah. He just wants to Google it.

So I would go to the local, yeah, stop. I would go to the local, you know, the porn store. I'd buy five or six discs. I'd go to the Best Buy, get a DVD player. Yeah. I've also left two Xboxes. That's so expensive. It's so expensive, yeah.

Because the DVD players probably get for 20. Well, no, because my intention was always, I'm going to put in my suitcase, but then I try to put in the suitcase and it won't fit. So I said, oh, fuck it, you know what I mean? And I'll just write a note. Here's a brand new fucking... Here's a new Xbox.

Xbox for you. And they must have loved it. How much was Xbox in 2007? It was $500. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. And that's what I would get paid for the gig, too. By the way, $500 back then is like $6,000 today.

That's great. Dude, this was a crazy moment I had at the airport here today before I came home. I went to the bathroom when we landed. Yeah. And there was a man in the room changing his baby's diaper. And I'm in there taking a piss. And he turns to me and I go, hey man.

He's like, hi. And then another guy walks in to go by me to go piss as I'm washing my hands. And he's like, oh, baby. And the guy's like, yeah. And he's like, how old's a baby? He's like real fresh. It's like, it was like two months or something like that. And he was like, oh, so cute.

And I'm washing my hands. And then this guy's done peeing. Then he goes next to the man and like stands there. And he's like watching him change the baby. And he was like, so cute, so cute. And I could feel the dad being like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I know what that is. Hmm?

What if he's a new dad and trying to figure out how to put... He doesn't know how to do it? Diaper on. Yeah, internet, Google it. Don't stare at another man changing his baby. Fucking insane. Like boiling the egg for me. We Googled it.

Now you know. Yeah, sometimes the internet doesn't know. No, the internet always knows. The internet literally always knows. What chat GDPD told me to do it wrong? No, no, you just did it wrong. We followed the directions perfectly. Okay.

Well, anyway. Although I've never Although I've never put a diaper on a baby before I already know how to do it You've never changed your friend's kids No but I assume I already know how to do it Because I know how the body works I know there's adhesives on the end

Yeah you're not an idiot I'm not an idiot right so yeah I don't know what they explain It was so weird Dude even I wanted to turn and be like dude get out of yeah What are you doing? But a Kalila's baby where we're in the house Yeah you've never changed Kalila's baby No but he said something that I almost cried

The baby? Yeah the baby was sitting there eating and I was kind of across the table and he looks him and he goes wow and he knows my name yeah you we heard yeah we figured yeah yeah and it was just like oh and I went in and kissed his forehead and he got and then he does this because he gets shy but he knows it's you yeah all right king sign us out go ahead it's your birthday thank you for being a bad friend cute