Bad Friends - Bobby's Bank Heist

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

See the Boys in NYC at the Grammercy! https://concerts.livenation.com/event/00005D0CD4CC5DB1 Thank you to our Sponsors: Download DoorDash App use code: badfriends2022 & Trojan & https://buyraycon.com/badfriends code: badfriends15 YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 0:00 See Us in NYC at the Grammercy & Go To Andrew's Special in Denver 2:30 Juicy Hates Her Nickname 4:15 Comedy Store Tours 14:40 The Most Dangerous Bear 17:10 Rudy Calls Out the Bad Friends Name 22:50 How Rudy Got Her Job 29:56 Our Controversial Tips Take 45:15 What Color is Your Name 53:15 How We Would Rob A Bank 1:02:30 Banksy in Los Angeles 1:04:10 How Rich Do You Want To Be? More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey y'all you know what guys New York New York here we come wait that's such a good New York accent New York New York New York we're doing the grand mercy theater stand up we're gonna do some stand up and we're gonna do a little bit of like a duo potty kind of a little fun live thing for you guys September 8 September 8 buy your tickets right now because they're gonna sell out quickly and if it sells out we might add another show we don't know we don't know we might not we might see how the first show goes but probably a second show maybe click on the link in the description below the tickets go on sale at noon pacific time 3 p.m east coast today they go on sale so i know that episode's already out but at noon on the west coast at 3 p.m on the east coast buy those tickets

now also bob i'm shooting my special september 24 24 in denver and i'm warming up so come see me come check it out sulless city braya miniapolis madison and then denver september 24 i'm shooting my special finally go to andrew santino dot com for tickets andrew santino dot com for those tickets welcome back to bad friends boy oh boy do we have a good one for you today because fancy is gone he's in espana i didn't even notice we deported him he's gone well because he's worthless on the show well we have mr worthless who behind everyone else he will be named captain captain worthless captain worthless george kimmel captain worthless i'm here to obel stew nothing yeah in fact when he walked in there i go what are you doing here that's what i said i heard it from the

parking lot what are you doing here and you know what he said what oh just hanging out just hanging out he swallows air this guy i got a gift for ol rudy yeah look at how sick this thing is yeah it's from our friends at bespoke gave us this uh this is real this will really kill somebody so please be careful okay i don't have my other knives well we took your knives away because doc shakes the chairs and we're afraid it's gonna fall on his head and that's specifically to kill other filipinos no white people okay it says it on the little thing that doesn't oh yeah it says no whites it specifically it what about other agents no only filipino only filipinos yeah for the time being that could change this is cool unwrap it and see how sharp it is do something cool with it

don't get it too close to that charitable pop is that sick huh yeah yeah say thanks bespoke we also have uh next to rudy our our very good friend who now we can no longer call by her other moniker her name is now jj just jet ski johnson well no no we should come up with a nickname because she complained about it we know what's going on with the juice juice i i like the name and then it dawned on me how sexual it could be taken but it's not if you don't unless you make it sexual it's not an orange sexual yeah depends yeah yeah yeah i mean okay what else is juicy uh i like juicy yeah she reminds me of harry styles harry styles is juicy which you think is very sexy that's what she doesn't want the connection between sexy and juicy remember those pants juicy yeah juicy on the

butt juicy yes yeah the juicy sweatpants yeah but that wasn't sexual although it was creepy like little kids would wear those and i was like who what parent is letting their nine-year-old wear juicy on their ass no you shouldn't let your kids wear juicy sweatpants yeah in fact only black women and cute and and brazilian women should wear that over the age of 18 white girls have butts now don't overdo this again what you did last night what did i do hey ladies if you're single this guy's available i'm not available i'm not ready i never said that yeah you did no i didn't i'm not available i'm not ready yes i did i know you did to the whole and also by the way no one came up to me afterwards either different my feet not one person no one can ask anyone i hung

up till two just to see not one person no one they go i'm available to never you know why because they thought i was joking around see they thought i was kidding but i wasn't kidding girls if you're listening out there if you come to a live show please wait until after the show he will be there he will come talk to you he is interested he is available he's very single i'm not interested i saw bobby give a tour to two really attractive ladies and i asked him about it and he just jumped down my throat he's like i'm just giving a tour okay can i say let me say something okay i give tours all the time to not just ladies to men as well okay because people love the comedy story they go this is historic i go i know all the nooks and crannies it sounds so creepy yeah yeah what nooks

do you take them to what i well i know the history of each room oh okay take them to a room and i go this is why this room is here you take them to the old stairwell by mitzvi's office yeah when the door was broken i used to get people in there like guests when i'd have friends come from out of town i would sneak them up to mitzvi's office and break into mitzvi's office and it's you know it's still the same i mean i don't know what it is now but ten years ago it had been untouched i ate a girl's vagina on those stairs is that part of the tour that's one of the crannies years ago years ago when i was like 30 you went down on a girl in the stairwell and upstairs was that black stair up to mitzvi's office between the belly room yeah black stairs to that stair they're all black

yeah exactly yeah and i ate a woman's vagina you made her sit down lay down on the stairs in the middle of the stairs i spread them open like this and i were you on the top of the stairs or the bottom of the stairs i go top i go down yeah yeah so the blood because the blood flows okay okay anyway she slides down her head head backwards yeah eating her good for you and then in the green room of the belly room i've gotten maybe two blowjobs maybe two completion no never completed i can't because there's always people there can you complete there's a show going on wait a minute you would close the door get a hummer and then not come and then be like oh let's go hang out someone's coming you know someone's coming stop stop stop stop stop stop all right

juice well we're not going to call you juice anymore because i guess you made it sexual so what do you want us to call you um jet ski but you guys another nickname could emerge but jet ski is what you brought that was out of your name yeah this is why i never speak my mind maybe because you have bono glasses maybe something about bono like yeah it doesn't have to happen right now no it's gonna happen right now okay it doesn't it's gonna happen right now i see those socks that you're wearing that's very cool do you know what that is bobby yeah what's the painting called i don't know oh that's from it's a van go painting no that's not van go it's the screaming man that you just cut it off the screaming the screaming the screaming the screen the screen

yeah that's it okay just the screen yeah those are pretty tight the screen my sister got me these your sister's yeah that's very cool well you know what you reminded me of i told you what did you say what did i say last night diane keaton she reminds me of her personality diane keaton in annie hall i think you said that on this show before i did i didn't he say something like that did remind me she has that like kind of like um yeah you did it's like a quirkiness about her you kind of you kind of do have that yeah yeah i like that movie i'm sure my personality was inspired dude i love her i just love that movie yeah you know i mean you killed it last night i had a good set so in the middle of my set there was like a little of a bump yeah you did stop for somebody

and i because i you know what i thought huh it's always this i think andrew did better now shut up no i really i did because there was a level of laugh i'm like that wasn't that nobody cares yeah and then afterwards last night two things happened number one a guy came out to me bad friends fan okay and he goes i just have to admit i think andrew's funnier a funnier stand up shut the fuck right to my face and then another thing happened okay a drunk guy goes hey i used to watch you on mad tv i just never thought you were funny no yeah and you walked away no way so two things you tell me if i'm working i'll kick them out i know thank you and then three no one came out to me and got went i'm single and you're single so that was a pretty bad night for

me but let me tell you something i'm gonna change that and i'm saying it now to the fans if you come to a show i'm gonna keep pushing this agenda if you're coming to the show on on i don't need anyone's help i i got it i don't know yeah i'm first of all i'm not gonna date in a year i'm gonna wait a year right you could hook up with someone before you know i don't want to even hook up a year you want to touch anyone for a no no i would i need a long time are you gonna figure out who i am again are you gonna be open for all kinds of people what do you mean this i feel like this is a trap no yeah no i'm saying are you open for all kinds of people all genders ask me some questions maybe i will are you are you cool with dating all kinds of genders and

genders sexual orientations okay if they have a penis and a vagina maybe yeah they have to have both like a combination right yeah you don't want just a penis no i mean like like i've said like if there was a vagina and there was a penis off the side i might do a couple of sucks what if they had a what if they had a penis right you would just out of like what if they had a penis but their butthole looked like a vagina oh that's interesting right but they still poo out of the butthole that's right same thing it's a flavor's different though we have a genus poo too don't unless someone has crone's disease but let me let me tell you something carlos thinks you're going through stages of grief accepting the unacceptable oh you think i have

you think i'm going through grief it can look like avoidance procrastination forgetting easily distracted my behavior i'm all those well then you yeah this has been your whole life no but more so now though that's just step one then there's anger okay there's anger he's on two yeah i've been sitting on two for years no frustration cynicism sarcasm irritability holy fuck i've been barred increased alcohol or drug use this is like my this is like my pro should be my dating profile bargaining i the bargaining i don't do yeah you do what's the bargaining well look at the second one look at carlos's highlighting ruminating on the future of the past oh yeah i just did that look at the second one look at the second one overthinking and worrying yeah that's me being

third one comparing self to others you just did it i just did it thinking saying i should have or if only you don't i don't you don't you do that too much i do judgment towards self and others big time perfectionism oh i'm a bargainer huh you're on video games yeah video oh that's right yeah depression you don't have depression you don't think so i don't think so no i get bombed yeah you do i have clinical depression i don't think you're i don't think you have depression but i do think you have bargaining you have to have bargaining for story yeah yeah when are we going to get to acceptance though carlos we'll get down there soon yeah a year mindful behaviors fuck i don't even know what that means engaging with reality as it is no way that's insane that's

insanity this is how it is right now you you'll never know that right no i'm in a different land being present in the moment you're not even here right now yeah you're already back at home i'm in i'm i'm i'm when i was four years old right now yeah you're in minnesota did playing in that fucking backyard with that little tunk of truck i used to have all right i'm stuck in my mind on this i do think we're gonna get you someone before a year no i just well how do you feel about jewels is it weird i don't really care but i feel like you're gonna find someone in like years a long time yeah a years a long time why do you have a sweaty mustache right now i don't know it's hot i'm sweating yeah yeah you have a full blown sweaty mustache that's bargaining

that's bargaining oh my bargaining right now oh come on dude you're judging others oh hey i do that to you use that axe to what to shave your little mustache yeah yeah oh my god yeah there it is yeah there it is good you feel better it doesn't help it doesn't help we got to get a better axe yeah i got an axe to grind i'm still stuck on this juicy thing i'm kind of bummed well maybe i should make sure i'm wrong say it sexually no i'm not but now you're making it seem like it now in my head are guys hitting on you a direct message are you be honest no but oh yes yes like what are they doing that dick pics well i get so many in the other box and i i can't engage with everybody someone's famous other in the other box how many requests you have right now i don't know whoa whoa dude maybe

we should look at them now on the show i look at them but i feel like i'm afraid to engage in them because then where do i stop 30 000 followers wow what did you have before you started the show 13 wow we are helping you out let's keep it going go to jet ski johnson go ahead and follow jet ski johnson and in in in in in data with messages yeah dude yeah yeah so what do you guys do do you respond to everybody in your other box because i know you guys have way more than dudes never i've never opened up a dude like only respond to dudes you do are you getting some titties yeah you're getting some titties yeah yeah and so do you respond no no no no i'll just look at and go yeah do you screenshot it no don't lie i don't okay why what you can

i don't know i bet you can screenshot your whole phone is it illegal to have a screenshot photo on instagram oh copyright infringement do women have copyrights on their tits that would be kind that's kind of the future isn't it but i'm getting a lot of like can i fuck halala which is so fucking oh my god they ask you that yeah terrible yeah wait a minute though can i fuck halala but they say like can you join are you involved no they just like i'm her pimp it's so rude that's kind of cool though why that's kind of cool being her pimp yeah yeah i don't respond to those it's guys saying can i fuck halala yeah any girls no oh no have you had a girl ask for a threesome with you guys oh i didn't know that was a possibility i mean it's a thing oh i saw i like i like some people

like that yeah there's a whole website for that yeah but i don't want to like that would be weird like being in a room and then a girl's eating her colab vagina better than i did right and that was that weird because you're a perfectionist i'm a perfectionist bargaining bargaining yeah i'll be bargaining i'll be like hey ease up on that european shit you're doing right now right you know that tongue tornado yeah yeah twister i just have a fat tongue i can't do it that fast let me see how fast you can move your tongue yeah it's like a sloth like a turtle yeah looks like you're eating pudding dude if i would do ginny and i and i ate sloth pussy they would be like oh yeah they'd be they'd be oh yeah yeah but that's the only person the sloth would be like slow dad

you know sloth bears i read sloth bears kill more people than any other kind of bear on earth no have you seen what a sloth bear looks like no no look at how fucking creepy and weird these things look these things kill the most people whoa they just look like shaggy bears just like fucked up like the faces dude they look chromosomally off yeah they look like they're you know handicap bears yeah but they they murder the most people statistically and i saw this thing on tiktok tony hingecliff was a bear that's like honestly that'd be the right right be honest that that's tony hingecliff yeah yeah if tony hingecliff was a bear that would be like in that area what kind of bear would you be if you were a bear i pan that for sure oh well the koala yeah that's yeah exactly

koala baby i'd be you'd be polar polar for sure yeah what would she be tarsher tarsher what what those big eyes would they're small and big eyes you think you have big eyes yeah yeah there she is tarsher oh that's you yeah that's her for sure what about what about jet ski what is jj what's the juiciest kind look up what's the juiciest bear there we go there we go that's her that's her juicy bear that's you now do that dancing bear what is i've seen that what is that cartoon what's that that's definitely her that's her personality everything huh what is it oh i thought that was the charmant bear oh is that oh that's what you're turning me into yeah this is what we're trying to sell you as sex sells on the show man big time dude if bears look like that that'd be cool

i mean then i would go camping more of it i think in the gay community they do yeah with the ad like that and they had and they drink beer and they'd be cool they could talk hey you know that's yeah hey yeah hey that's and see that's see that's what that's the that's the reality of it that's what a bear looks like oh that's juicy bear huh what do you say that's a big gay bear no his name is juicy bear oh let's hit him up let's get him on the show he won't be mad if we sexualize i'm not mad i'm teasing i'm starting to get mad well here's what we could do with the fans is like how about this we fans email us or how do they do it they usually email us email us like suggestions we'll have a contest you would have a name contest yeah throw out some names

for jets yeah but once the game the name is affirmed that's life you have to get a tattoo you have to get a tattooed i don't have any tattoos well this will be your first all right well you guys all get it too our names on you yeah yeah do you should have bad friends on your body man do you guys have it yep yep let me see mine's on my butt my month on my asshole let's see it i don't believe you hey don't sexualize us yeah you see yeah we talked about getting bad friends tats we should okay which if we got them together would you do it you don't think you're a part of it yet the family maybe at six episodes all permanently let's get her to a hundred thousand followers and then we'll do it and then i'll tattoo your name a hundred thousand followers

yeah you would feel so like uh like selling out but i'm there for it she's down dude i think i do want to get a bad friend's tattoo i do too i think we should would you get one can i just get a knife instead of bad friends cool thanks for being a part of it it's fucking a little shit yeah it's been three years of this fucking i know what what else bad friends is so like cring you know what's okay okay just hear me out she's gonna learn i'll tell you why she said i'm a fucking cringe i know can i tell you why no don't get a title is it because we're old don't ain't don't get angry are we old and lame and she's young and cool check it out stink she just got a job at what yeah at the school right did you not yeah yeah at working at the library or where you're working it's a bookstore at

a bookstore at the school and when you're working because you never work before right every day you work slowly in your heart and your mind you're gonna go oh i had a good i had a good you got 16 bucks an hour is all you're gonna make there yeah yeah i'm excited i'm just saying the bad friends title if you put it on your skin is cringe what about bf no what about our heads just that yeah our faces um maybe maybe that's simple i'm just like sad if i'm so sad it's like making me really how about this symbol this is cool the new one from the hat that bad friends drippin that looks cool i'll put it like on my foot okay whatever it's like you know what we should do though this like like the dark night we should have a thing that would protect the sky in the sky

right so that if people need us we have to go down we have yeah we have to do comedy yeah i think in the batman world what would i think who would be the guy what's his name uh gordon gordon who's gordon in our group what who's gordon you and our batman who's gordon in our group fancy commissioner gordon yeah yeah who's the one that does the sign because he's the one that turns the sign on fancy that's probably fancy to be a fancies gordon right and who is george is george just oh george is commissioner george is george is alfred george you you yeah george is definitely alfred is alfred yeah yeah look at there's george yeah george is definitely alfred right i'll get you what you need george i want to hear you with a british

accent can you do can you say uh i'll get you what you need boys say i'll get you whatever you need gentlemen i'll get you whatever you need gentlemen and gentle ladies okay but just the gentlemen part i don't want to leave because that sounded creepy um absolute say i'll bring up the car immediately i'll bring up the car immediately it's actually not bad i like it if we got to put him in a little suit why you want to fine tune it a little bit yeah a little bit more because it still doesn't sound sell sell the british a little bit higher sell it harder i'll bring up the car immediately gentlemen this is good it's okay but be more fancy with it like be more animated be like kind of like maybe you might be gay we don't know gentlemen i'll bring up the

car immediately love that i love that i like the good twist i like that yeah but it has nothing new with sexuality we're just saying you're very just you have fancy effeminate i shouldn't say fancy jewels would be catwoman for sure no poison ivy poison ivy yeah but she's fucking toxic as shit oh that's right toxic yeah you're toxic i'm not yeah no you are yeah you are and it's getting worse and i called i called bob and i was like i don't know if we want little miss toxic around anymore because she's just not fun she doesn't want to be here she hates us and he was like she's hate us and i said yes she does i think you do i think you see glue hate us and she's gripping the door dash oh my god um whenever i'm on the road or even at home the only app that i use is door

dash yeah and we just read you i just in our episode we read you all the door dash because honestly when i was i was sick again and when i got sick he sick i usually use door dash when i just don't have enough time and i need something delivered but when i was sick i just got it all day long because i was being a little fat lazy boy i got pizza three times yeah i did i got pizza three times like a fatty say hello to summer savings the summer saving a dash pass from door dash was zero delivery fees exclusive items and more than 25 000 members only offers nationwide dash pass by door dash say that four times fast says everything you need to make your summer memorable with your door dash pass with door dash membership you got to become a member by the way

dash dash you got to save an average of four to five dollars on every order you place for delivery or pickup i mean that's a great deal that means on average dash pass pays for itself when you order just twice a month right Bob that's easy to member members only offers items dropping every week you love everything you need to make the most out of summer right at your fingertips shine bright during the door dash summer of dash pass to get 50 off your first order up to $15 values promo code bad friends 2022 a checkout when you spend $12 or more that's 50 off your first order up to a $15 value when you sign up for a door dash during summer of dash pass during the promo code bad friends 2022 don't forget that's good bad friends 2022 for 50 percent of your first order

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know your energy as well right and they compare the two they're not blind to it that's right the fans know yeah yeah i always say hi to you and you always say a different name when you say hi to me yeah there's like terms of endearment yeah like what do i say you say hi joey yeah funny okay that's funny yeah funny kind of do look like joey what's up joe yeah you don't like it no yeah and then sometimes i ask you like what's going on let's hang out and you'd laugh you go no no i just say i'm tired oh it just hurts me it really does hurt me and you got to do more of an effort and you know i'm glad you're working because when you're working i'm going to be giggling because it's going to be like an an awakening for you where is the store um at sea sun it's the library

or the bookstore like the like the campus bookstore where you go to buy like not only books but also apparel can we go we're going every fucking day can we go to buy i'm going every fucking day we can go we can't we we don't have to be students to go to the store right of course not no we're going i'm buying books i'm going to buy some i don't have any books i want to buy some gear too yeah fine what how many days a week are you working over there maybe like three what what are they giving you how much do you know i don't know yet you took the job without negotiating pay you negotiate it's just i don't know it's my first job how did you get the job i just they just interviewed me and then did you see a sign that said open uh now hiring and then you went in and asked yeah start from zero

what did you see i just saw i was looking through the bookstore and then it says hiring and i just applied and then they called me same day no like a week after who called what did they say let's hear it they just said hi um are you interested in like working i said yeah and then they said okay we'll give you another call for the in 10 minute interview and then i waited and then they just said um how many hours can you work and i said and i just said um as long as i can work and then they said okay we'll give you four hours every day or as long as um monday to friday and i said okay that's fine and they said that if you can carry a 30 pound something and stand for 10 hours and then i said yeah i can stand what are they shipping dead babies around that place no if you can carry a

30 pound box don't look inside of it but you're only working four hours yeah okay and then you did you ask how much does it pay no i didn't why because no one told me to us so you don't you what if they're not gonna pay you no they said they'll pay me 16 16 and 75 cents an hour yeah they're like we're gonna get this immigrant for cheap yeah and you're not gonna be in the i think you're gonna you're hauling shit i think you're gonna be in the back loading stuff yeah they go through the piano we have a bunch of bad boxes get in the bag you get in the back they don't want you out front not with that face that's fine i don't need you don't be mean don't be mean she's mean to us all the time i know she is i know you're right she's so mean to me you're in the

back and you know what we're gonna start making you carry shit too george get something that's heavy back there and make her fucking turn around boulders boulders with no boxes just boulders i just want rocks moved during the show yeah you're gonna have to start fucking carrying your weight why do i have to carry because don't get angry dude oh god give her that box of merch yeah yeah there you go start going through that and separating stuff yeah separate from medium and large let's see you pick it up let's you carry it carry it pick it up let's see can you carry it yeah yeah you could take the headphones off oh yeah let's see if she can do it because this is how many pounds george you think this is 15 30 30 is this about 30 yeah rice all right keep it on

your head around your head yeah all right for the rest of the episode so anyway put it down put it down put it down i'm we're i'm happy that you finally got a job jules we love we love that i'm glad that you've got some responsibility in the world okay so i was you're saying they pay you less at the store i think i make less at the store you wait how do you make don't they make you guys minimum wage maybe i just work less hours what no you're always there yeah you're there i think i've never not seen you there now i know you know you make more you know what jet ski said she goes uh oh yeah i'm not making that much an hour you're not making 20 an hour no i should sue them we should sue them no let's sue the comedy store people who say it's so funny when

comics who work there are like we should make more money there it's like why are you here you're not there for the money no no you're too smart is there is let me ask you this because i know back in the day in my time when i was a doorman yeah we had scams going you guys got scams don't you guys have scams going i got the key right back now open it up tell me what they are but are there i want to call him scam i'll tell you what yesterday i was working no this is real i was working they uh we call them tips now okay we get tips and uh someone came up i was working the or cover last night yeah so we go are you jet ski and i said yeah i love you on bad friends takes out a 20 puts it in the tip fuck hell yeah yeah you should just put a bucket out that says

jet ski on bad friends yeah that's where you have to split the fucking 20 with other people i don't know if i have to but i did she's a good soul wow she's a good soul get your own bucket no we split it you do yeah yeah no they have to man that's because because otherwise then you know what used to happen because i know i'm not snitching because they all got in trouble you remember when everyone got in trouble people were pocketing money and then wars started to break out because people were like you're keeping money and you're not putting in the pool this is the same at a restaurant if you work at a restaurant you put in you pool tips some people don't put in then it causes all this fight and turmoil and then i don't think these are cool tips i think i think you have to tip

people out though some doorman are just better than others okay all right and so whoever gets you can't just do because i know a couple of chinless fuckers that you have friends over there they don't do as good of a job and i don't want to name names but they have no chins man man literally don't bobby hit me up because who's your friend with no chin at the store i don't know what you're talking about i've been so you think no no tipping no fucking pooling tips no i got i got to gripe real fast to put out i'm not going to call out the place i don't care i don't fucking like it when they include the tip already on the check so like it was it was pre-included for 18 percent i'll tell you there's multiple reasons okay one it gives the server no

incentive to give you a better experience whatsoever they don't fucking care they're going to get their money no matter what that's bullshit two 18 percent is automatically included and then there was a note that said below it we do this for the health and well-being of our staff and our workers to provide a better living wage for blah blah blah blah blah blah blah yeah why is it on me motherfucker it should be on your company to pay people better than don't just automatically take my fucking money that's bullshit if you wanted to fucking provide a better life for them you should pay them more and then on top of it the biggest blunder is you automatically charge 18 well then i'm done i'm gonna do the apple pay and walk away when i was going to give that person 20 25 i've tipped 30

percent nothing probably too as well huh you probably i've literally never once fucked someone over on a tip because i worked in restaurants but my point is you're fucking them out of two more percent why would you do that i was going to give them the extra two that's what you say huh nothing i've never fucked someone in out of a tip that's fine i've always overtipped um you could leave more no but i don't because because i i think the system is i like that i like that fuck that what do you think they should just raise the prices on all their food no the place was already a fucking ripoff that's what's even more gross all this says to me is the people that own it and run it are making way more fucking money i see and they're like oh we want to help the

workers have a better wage you don't have to juice you don't have to agree bullshit you don't have to agree i think there are times where you could there are times where you can say no i don't agree oh yeah like when i said i'm not sure about the name juicy we all saw how that way i don't think tips should be fucking cool you think tips should be included it's their loss though let me can i just that's my point is i was going to give you 20 now you got a can make an argument though right to me it's i always pick 25 right yeah but when i see the 18 thing right i go all right well i'm just going to give you that then that's my point so i'm saying don't do it they're lost what the fuck does that have anything to do with you bro i don't like someone automatically charging my car

they charge your car but if you're already tipping up well above 18 anyway i'm saying you're an idiot you guys are going to get more money you're fucking your own people right but this is not anger we're saying the same thing i'm annoyed what are you angry about though that's the thing it's coming it's coming from anger because you should it's actually and you know what it's technically illegal that's the point oh i this fuck up why is why why why wipe you so entitled no no because you could go okay crazy you could go hey i want the manager to take this off and they would and then i would what i should have done is said take this off i don't agree with this principle and then i would have given her 25 instead and the reason why that's there dude is because sometimes

they get european that time out i talked i can i finish i know what people do they fucking they fucking coat off don't do a race thing don't do a racing i know you say a lot of voters come here and they don't think they have to tip yeah they do it's 2022 everybody from europe knows you tip over here i just ran into fucking people if you have enough money to come to the united states on an airplane you know that you got a tip and they're like my you know this typing thing's crazy right and i go i know but they're like we don't even know how to deal with my fucking bullshit who are these pikeys that you know how do they afford to get to the united states you liar pikeys listen okay everybody knows something that you're angry when you came

here from the philippines you know that americans tip no thank you it is true it is true no it's bullshit yeah but by the way you're right i look i did tipper like the 18 was included yeah you had to well no no and then i left a ten dollar bill on top of it to supplement the the percentage that was missing but i was like don't do that that's fucking annoying let me give this person a gift on my own i don't need you to like and the other argument would be oh well what about people that like go in and they under tip or they don't tip at all first of all at a place that that there's this nice doesn't happen this isn't chili's i used to work at this isn't fucking out back to i used to work this was a high-end restaurant i used to work at the brockton villa okay bring it up

right it's a fucking restaurant in la joya yeah okay and i was one of the first original night servers they were only a breakfast place right i worked at the brockton villa well that's your problem now breakfast place that has night service it's right it's right on the cove right beautiful it's beautiful okay you were a night server so i was and a server i did the morning right so one morning i was there i was slammed i had table i hit the front patio right which is like the most section two dude that's the most fucking hardcore sex i have a i have a shore family um story about the brockton villa i don't know if i should talk about yeah you should but i'm gonna get in trouble we hung up our poly stuff i love also polys coming on this show in a couple of weeks i'm having them

on that's why i'll save this story for when he he's here but my point is is that i had a table it was i don't want to name the race of the people that has nothing to do with anything oh it doesn't no why would you why would you breathe out there why would you mention it because it wasn't white people that's all i have to say it wasn't a white person it was a table of 10 right and i remember being slammed yeah slammed crushed what do you mean crushed slammed overwhelmed yeah yeah overwhelmed with with mostly whites no it was it was a mix yeah yeah huh okay what is your attitude right no why would you mention it you mentioned the race i'm just digging to find out what race they were because you were the one that was so adamant about what were they at the time in this

specific story the repersions okay okay i'm just curious you brought it up and the the bill was like four hundred dollars bro right bro yeah 400 yeah and i they left me a penny one cent a physical penny yes or a written on the chat or written on the bill they put a penny in the black thing pretty tight right very funny said the service was terrible was it i was slammed i know but was it i don't know that's the eye of the beholder i have the beholder that's the restaurant we should have gone to i have the beholder in glendale so wait a minute yeah they left you one physical penny yeah and i remember going that's why i tip so extravagantly because i even if the service is terrible oh yeah it's just a terrible i always tip i always tip right i just i never i never will

fuck people over because i worked in a restaurant but i'm just saying i guess that what we're both saying is that the reason that they do this on bills is because of persian people yeah yeah so persian people it's all your fault tipping in cafe restaurants cafes in iran is mostly not done or expected see that's what i'm saying so in iran they don't yeah so what i'm saying is that's why i wish at that time my restaurant had an 18% fucking thing in the fucking thing but you were a bad server i was slammed it i don't think i was that i was being funny all right i'm you just put down some food all right yeah here you go you're you're slammed right yeah yeah oh this food is late and cold i push i push pancake it's cold i push it too bad

i don't know now your fingers are on pancake why would your fingers be pancake i would do a cloudy bit i just now give me the pancake you i'll get a new one all right i'll will this one take 45 minutes yeah but watch i'll take the two and i'll put it on my eyes and look i'm googling out i don't know i want to talk to you i don't know what to do and you walk away and they're like we're definitely going to leave that chinese guy a penny yeah that was you that's what you did you pancake facts yeah i think yeah i think my problem is is that whenever i and they completed it but all the time my thumb was always in the food oh my god your thumbs too because when i'm carrying it right i that's that's show your thumbs to the camera look at those things if we can zoom punch

in on that don't punch up my thumb no please well that's why my thumbs would be in the fucking plate right and i would and then they'd be like yeah why is your thumbs in my scrambled eggs yuck you know i mean 100 yuck okay well i got fucked all the time by the way you want to talk about getting fucked on tips i got fucked constantly in college i worked at a wing place we had we had 10 cent wings how much how many fucking tips do you think i got oh nothing 10 cents terrible i want one barbecue and one honey mustard two wings yeah i'm not kidding and i go sir we have a minimum of we have a minimum of a half a dozen a minimum of six so 60 cents minimum and you gotta and you have to buy a drink a lemonade if you don't want a cocktail and they

go i don't want it let me talk to your manager like i yeah i mean bring them over they would literally i would got change Thursday for whatever it was Wednesday nights i'd have changed yeah i don't walk home i'd have three dollars and fucking nickels in my pocket i know comics that did come any way early so they never had a day job and their attitudes are like just whack what do you mean they're just they don't know what it's like oh to have a shitty job right yeah it's like you know it's like you and i like i didn't make it until like my 30s we still haven't made it really i know exactly we're still kind of going through it we're still kind of struggling up there you know what i mean but my point is is that um still kind of trudging through it yeah um i'm so glad

i had those experiences because that's why you years and years of like how am i fucking gonna get up here right because she said to me something i don't know if i can say that well no it wasn't that private but you said you were like i just i feel like i'm about to get out of whatever situation i'm in and you're like i feel like i'm about to get to a new level yeah both professionally and personally and i thought that was a good that made me feel good in my heart because i was like i really hope you do because i know you work super fucking hard and you're very funny and i could tell her her self-deprecation was on a high when we walked by her and she's pulling out a trash can out of the main room and and i and i was like hey and she goes hi she goes really knocked me right

back down to earth and she was dragging a trash can through the hallway and i was like you're not gonna be doing that for a long i hope not you have a commercial agent uh why uh i'm gonna skip i'm gonna skip that step go straight to movie hell yeah bitch do you not want to do it no i just i just don't right now i all these things are coming into my life so fast right now and i'm just trying to enjoy call me tomorrow i'll get you one yeah you should have one you should go off for one i know the guy i will call you i have a big day tomorrow i'm uh i i do i'm going to the gynecologist then i've acted can we send a camera crew to go with her for some bad friends content to the gynecologist yeah thank you then i'm going to active shooter training at the store

and then i'm hosting potluck wait a minute there's active shooter training what does that mean active shooter someone comes in with a gun oh my god they're having that there yeah so you should feel safe no no no we're all getting trained with guns tomorrow yeah but you guys don't have you guys none of you are gonna have a gun i'm pretty sure that's what active shooter training is you guys won't carry guns on the night of shows i think they're gonna give us all guns okay tight that's a good idea yeah let's give a bunch of yeah because yeah all the dormant are like bitter resentful fucking comics yeah how funny renay is parking your car oh my god and he's backing in and just goes off in his pocket yeah yeah rake on the greatest earbuds of all time of all of all

time you know it really sucks bob the goat getting on the treadmill uh you're and you're you're pushing to finish that last rep your earbuds fall out of your ears but yeah well yeah that's bad in the first way yeah okay let's say you're on an elliptical because you like those it's better on your knees in your back that's great and your earbud falls out and bounces boom boom boom boom and it's gone yeah rake on doesn't do that all right also if you if he stays in your ear holes but not only that lets you're hiking with rake on right they look so sexy sexy right someone's gonna go and also the sound quality is better than all of everything else well let me say this the raycons fitness earbuds help you take your work out to the next level because they got big premium sound and smart

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offer so get in now before it's gone that's code bad friends 15 at buy raycon dot com slash bad friends okay active shooter employee training awareness by the way there's a new thing going around there's kindergarten teachers that are all over the internet that are strapped up now look up kindergarten teachers with guns it's like a new thing it's it's scary but you gotta do it so look at this trained armed and ready to teach you can go to more school employees are carrying guns to defend against school shootings in ohio a contentious new law requires no more than 24 hours of training so one day you get to carry a gun around the kids nap time lay down lay down i don't want to get the fucking crayon out of your mouth brison get it out of your mouth who stole the cookie i have to go

to the bathroom where where do you have to go to the bathroom number one or number two which one you did it now good it's done all right let's sing a fucking song yeah this is my gun happy paper that's fucking nuts kindergarten teachers with guns meanwhile like i feel like rudy had that in the film during oval during oval during oval the the all the cops had guns and they didn't go into the room and you've evolved yeah whatever it was oh yeah yeah yeah there's like 40 50 cops just go there was a guy on his phone playing candy crush he was just like yeah we'll be in there in one minute guys he's like i gotta beat this fucking level yeah do you see that guy on his fucking phone he was literally on his phone chilling there was another guy laughing just fucking around

no there was this guy there was a i don't know what this shot is but he was going yeah yeah in mid laugh he's probably listening to bad friends that's right that's right that's the only excuse holy fuck he's smiling that guy what could be funny what could be funny in the hallway what would not honestly okay so there's a school shooter if one of us if you did our cops right but if you did have our podcast in his ear look at that look at that you and i are cops yeah and we're in the school all right so you hear you're hearing kids crying this is a gunshot it's bad this is awful right yeah so what would make us laugh yeah i would i mean if we're sitting would you laugh yeah we're like all right boys we have to flank in the side door all right you have to move in

slowly bob i want you to stay down we'd lose it we'd start shooting each other laughing terrible yeah it's fucking awful that's awful yeah it's disgusting it's disgusting can i so can i tell you about a story that i just read yeah of course so i listened to sword and scare now i listened to this last night it just blew my mind listen to what sword and scale it's another podcast sword and scale sword and scale okay let's blank it out i don't want anybody we're not promoting okay anyway so um do you know who i've ever got a name michael hawn michael hawn yeah i think that's his name is he a murderer is this another one of your crazy murderers who is michael hawn bud maybe that's i got the wrong name so many whites i think i got the wrong

name oh you know what i looked up look up well he's looking that up look this up look up um names names and color you know synesthesia when like words are color there's a website you type in your name to see what colors your name is you know what synesthesia is synesthetic people they can see color and like taste sound and shit yeah i've done acid Matthew hawn Matthew hawn Matthew hawn look at this though uh go to go to that synesthesia look at that type in one of our names to see what they look what colors we are there's like a there's like a generator all right let's type in let's type in juicy don't type in juicy because she's not juicy anymore who are you now just jesse jet ski jet ski type in jet ski well that's nice colors nice colors really little

purple yellow how about my my bobby bobby oh yeah those are my fucking colors all dark and one little one yellow one yellow i'm blue and i don't like it kind of looks like a minion turned up on the other side yeah oh andrew whoa what am i i'm like the gay pride flag i'm like one of those i'm like the lgbtq plus flag kind of the belgium fat flag colors a little bit yeah a little bit on the right how about rudy well do juliana do her real name oh oh portugal portugal on the right yeah portugal on the right and on the left it's that's like the nazi party isn't it no no what's on the left it's like neat it's uh i think that's a neo nazis yeah purple black and white isn't that neo nazi flag i don't know neo nazi flag by the way this is great i love that he's this is

computer yeah that's it yeah that looks exactly like yeah this rudy's name aren't those the comedy star color they are all right can i tell you about matthew hawn now matthew hawn can i tell you about matthew hawn i love you juice ah sorry not juice matthew hawn dammit did you get him yeah the burglar the burglar all right so check it out let so this is what this is what happened so you know how we have this you know with the three strikes rule in california yeah right yeah so this dude had uh two strikes already as a burglar it's been in prison for a long time what's the three strike rule three burglars here and i think i think if it's three felonies you get you get a long time like you get like California strike sentence law was enacted in 94 the essence

of three strikes law was required defendant convicted of any new felony having suffered one prior of a serious felony to be sentenced to stay prison for twice the term otherwise provided by the crime holy fuck so if you fuck up three times you're fucked so he had two strikes do and check it out so one night he's pretty good you know a couple years he started doing math this and that felt good but then like his friend killed himself so he's like he goes back into meth addiction and now he has to steal more right and he already has two strikes so he cases this house check it out this is crazy this is crazy cases this house because he heard that there was like a three-wheeler that he wanted to steal there yeah i gotta love three yeah he couldn't find it right and it's

like three in the morning and he's walking and he sees like a bungalow in front of a house and the doors open and through the and the lights on in it right there's no one in there though and he sees a safe like a little safe so he just runs in there grabs a safe gets in his car with his body and they just drive off early in the morning he opens the fucking safe and there's six soiled uh what are you diapers in there in the safe imagine breaking all i'm gonna get me millions there's six soiled diapers you gotta tell you how many times i've done that right six soiled diapers right and then some a packet of fresh diapers like a little packet like that a gun and then some sort of like um internet uh what do you call that a memory a usb stick right yeah

uh this i already know where this goes what the guy was into kid stuff or something right so he puts it in there right and it's him this a guy with a three-year-old no i thought it was a prank the whole time listen to what his predicament was now right he's like do i turn this guy in yes or do i go to he's that's he that's three strikes turn him in turn him in oh no well let's let's make up our own version are you gonna tell me more or no well does he do it well you even want to know what he does well yeah i'm not he does it obviously he turns him in he does and then he gets massive like 50-year sentence what well that's not fair but no but then what happened was oh by the way you just stole a safe thinking that's a slap on the wrist like yeah but it's a third strike but

the prosecutor knew about a story uh and so he went the prosecutor went to like newspapers to do articles about the guy yeah and then there was pressure and then he got like seven years good that's great yeah by the way this is the better twist so what do you do if i'm him if i'm the burglar yeah and i just need i'm just devouring by the way this is the problem with that he's probably just stealing bullshit just to get more meth and as long as not hurting other people you're like ah dude he's just stealing shit because he's exactly exactly but if i was him yeah i'd go back and i'd kill that guy what i would 100 kill the guy who's doing stuff with kids i'd kill i'd murder that guy on site yeah but now you get life in present i'd get away with it for sure i'd

plan it and by the way i by the way i'd leave all the evidence out so when they do find this nasty guy's body and me riddled it up with holes then they find out he's a perv from a curve and i'd leave the usb plugged in on a computer so they'd see what he's doing so then no one's going to try to find the murderer they'd be like this guy fuck this guy who cares right you know what i mean yep wouldn't i get away with it yeah because what cop is going to be like we gotta investigate who killed this pervert nobody fucking cares they wouldn't suspect you anyway because before that you were just a thief exactly it was just a thief i'm not a murderer you can't fuck the guy or anything after leave any dna you just gotta kill him i don't know if i can do that i gotta

have to kiss i always i know you do i know you when i kill like a twist i do if i kill him i kiss him i don't you can't leave nothing yeah no can't leave any dna please don't that's so fucking gross that guy should he should have just killed that guy yeah you're right you're right i would shot him right in the head and then when he opened the face and we realized what it was he was just like what the fuck do i do you know i mean he had to do something that's like an episode of barry that sounds like you ever watch you watch barry no i heard it's good so fucking good but it's shit like that like these comparable things you're like you shouldn't kill that guy but also fuck that guy it was kind of the same way with dexter right we're like yeah you're like oh you

shouldn't be a murderer but also maybe it's okay yeah and we know how you like justice with those 18% gratuity added they deserve 20 at minimum everyone deserves 20 at minimum but the dude is now just f y the dude is out he's sober for a long time he's got a beautiful friend we should have him on the show yeah he's also does podcast he's really intelligent let's have him on the show i'd love to have this guy on the show math matthew madhan madhan right you like and it's that kind of sounds asian madhan he's white is he yeah but he's like a cool guy i've i've been seeing interviews of them and it was just like it's just an insane predicament what were his other thievery thefts just because he would his what were they i'm saying were they i don't remember what they were like

just money and what's that what thievery are we okay with eth morally and ethically in this room grocery store yeah grocery store i'm okay with comedy store when it comes to big corporations i'm like take take take take take take take take take it fuck whole foods fuck amazon same same thing fuck anything big box chain fuck casco steel target steel kmart walmart steel steel sometimes though in target they'll get people who are selling their product to a bigger thing they've already sold them though they've already sold target once you're in target you made a big bank okay good yeah and it's on target yeah yeah and then but it's already in target they've already paid you target suffers a loss okay small business i like stealing from mom and pop stores no that's

my favorite that's my favorite i want a little pain no that's fucked up okay it only hurt the big box but you know i always wanted to i'm cool with robbing a bank by the way for the record i think bank robbing is tight i think it should come back i love it it's just it's so a lot can go wrong but don't hurt anybody just get the money good luck yeah but uh because i would have to do the grenade thing the grenade thing like hold this grenade and don't let it go oh you pull the pin and hold the yeah yeah hold everyone give i would give that to you if i saw you in the bank i'd immediately be like watch this i'd be like hold this and i'll just give it back to you no two dipshits died while robbing a bank but i would do the grenade thing what else would you do

grenade things good no it's really good yeah yeah don't let this go don't let this go yeah otherwise everyone in here goes but i if i wrote rob bank i'd walk in with a real baby a real babe not mine that's a good one someone else's baby yeah and the higher state don't move or the baby gets it oh i'm a kindergarten teacher i'm off my ship i'm on my nap time don't move i'd bring in a baby and i go do you want this baby to live yeah but it's not my need to bring race into it it's got to be a white baby value is that what it is i don't know do you think i'm just asking i don't think white babies are the most expensive anymore what are what do you think the most expensive white baby is any non-white culture change cultures change yeah yeah times have changed

it's a different time black baby then black baby black baby black baby yeah yeah i think a mixed baby you don't know what it is yeah a couple of a couple of a nation baby a couple of a nation and then that thing is worth as much money as you i mean yeah there's an instagram for mixed race babies that's mixed race babies instagram yeah that's wild people just how many followers more than all of us no 243 is really good look at that girl right there i mean that's something we bring that girl nobody knows what she is that that girl people like oh here's my money here's my money take my money yeah look at how good looking this mixed race baby is yeah look at how good looking this mixed race man do you want this mixed race baby to live are you woke are you

walking right oh that one oh fuck they won't even know they're being robbed they'll just be giving you just throwing the bank we'll just be like oh my god open the vault look at how cute that fucking kid is yeah what about a baby with down syndrome we'll be right back yeah that's that's a pretty good so will you i would bring grenade you and i're robbing a bank i brought in a baby i bring the grenades right what else you guys are you guys are the getaway driver yeah what what kind of car did you get i got a toyota prius yeah we do want to save the environment yeah environment while we're robbing banks you know we would if we told her to get a fucking car and she got a prius we would be angry non-tinted windows too it's just like

the bright everybody you see is sitting in a nice prius in a stoplight and the color is like light green it's all like a light green super trackable yeah it's all they had at enterprise you wrecked it did you use your old name you wouldn't let me use your audience yeah that's true we can't let her use the alley so that's what she rented that thing yeah so we show up to rob a bank in that thing what bank are we robbing can we have a consensus on what bank what bank do we want to rob the most is it wells fargo is it bank of a bank of a b of a b of a because i feel like they well fargo has done some shady shit though which bank has the most controversies like wells fargo didn't they get in trouble for like selling off your fucking information and all that stuff

no they took money from large counts oh we're okay wells fargo we're stealing from them okay we will do so we're gonna rob a well what part of town though that matters what do you mean it's gotta be like it's gotta be a really nice well no no i think it's gotta be in a city where there's a lot of traffic a lot of traffic oh no i don't well no i don't want a lot of traffic a lot of people a lot of witnesses no no i have smoke bombs oh you got smoke i had no idea that you had smoke bombs yeah and i won't make color the smoke what color smoke i won't mix my grenades with the smoke bombs i'll i'll have them number can you imagine you get him confused and you're like hold the screen yeah that's what i'm saying what color is your smoke say it's yellow yeah it'll be yellow

me and you have red and yellow fucking yellow yeah that's like our wet bandits moniker we always leave red and yellow smoke right yeah so we're thinking you really right we were at the scene baby and then rudy what is she doing to help i'll be a sniper okay we're not we're not gonna kill anybody we don't want those police are chasing you so you're gonna shoot cops now you're a cop killer the smoke yeah you're a cop killer yeah maybe it could be like a marshmallow gun or something just to slow him down all right like rubber bullets that's good rubber bullets rubber bullets okay god she was so quick to be cool with killing a cop yeah she was like fuck 12 i'll kill the cop all right so we now let me ask you something would i would you give a note or would you

just do it verbally i love the note i love a good note yeah but you okay so in line but i have bad handwriting that's the problem like that would be me we the people are fed up yeah we out here i mean me that would be my handwriting and i'd give it to the teller and they'd be like put the bink in the zag yeah i'm like you know what i'm saying yeah and i would probably do the yes and no boxes oh can i rob you yes or no right and then after they filled it up can i have it back please and i have to read it back yes you know what i would hand somebody i'd hand them a magic eye so they have to like cross their eyes to see it says we're robbing you yeah that's a pretty good one right so we do it and then we do the we hand them a bag yeah well i don't know how to do this

i've never done this before did we say that to them we've never done this before we're just handing you do we hand you the bag or do you hand us a bag yeah yeah what bag do we bring in i gotta get a duffle bag what kind what kind you want a nice brand you want a fancy one yeah gucci you want a gucci double back you rob a bank touch it you call your partner uh don't take a banana yeah yeah yeah big bag can i say uh bag friends bag friends love it gucci and adidas combo that's dope that's it that's the bag okay so we so our bag is so it's with cash our bag is worth four grand yeah they only fill it up with like two and a half friends and we're like yeah we know we go shitty shitty bag you're right shitty bag we a ten dollar bag let's say we just get trader joe's bags trader joe bags fill

these up fill these up now and they're like sir we only have so many dollars here the rest is in the vault and we don't have the access code what do we do you say uh do you guys do venmo can you oh that's smart do you guys have paypal can you imagine them scanning my phone trying to get the code but it's like it's not working yeah i just i can't and then as they go to pay me they're like what are your last four digits of your phone number because it's not going through and i'm like i don't want to give that to you because then you're gonna know can i have a fantasy sometimes okay when i go to bed a robbing in a bank but i spent 30 years digging underground to go up underneath the bank underneath the bank right and then because i don't feel like it's metal i think it's just

concrete the floor i'm sure the vault is steel yeah that's the walls but in the bottom i don't think it's no i'm sure they do steel all the way yeah i mean that's why i haven't tried it because i don't want to i don't want to get to the i don't want to get to it yeah it's metal that's the reason you haven't tried it yeah yeah yeah but i in my mind he spends 30 years digging under a bank only to realize it it is of course steel yeah yeah that's you el chapo's tunnel yeah so i feel like if i dig up there it's concrete let's just say that it is concrete yeah and you can bust a hole right and i wait for like labor day week and what you know when they're not open right how are they open holiday bank holiday yeah bank holiday right and i go in there and i steal everything in the

vault all the money on the and then here's my other fantasy right on on the bottom of it um in the tunnels all around the tunnels yeah i'll put mines so it explodes no it's the no one so so i'll dig 30 years to get to the fucking thing take the money take the money out right and i'll have carts and stuff right and then i'll put mines down why because when the cops see it right it'll just take them longer right they'll go oh there's all the tunnels mine so we have to be very careful because we don't know where it's leaked because my tunnels are also going to go zigzaggy oh you want to make it real complicated right so then when they look this way they just go right or left they don't know where the beginning point is imagine you getting lost in one of your own

tunnels when you're skating with money you just can't get out yeah you die in there you spent 30 years digging in but i would i would dig elaborate tunnels that die pack money though that's what happens it explodes what are you gonna do about the die packs what's that so they put these die packs on money when the banks get robbed but they put that in it like when you do a robbery and they use your bag for the money it goes they have die packs and they explode and it fucks up the money kind of like have you ever seen those tags at really nice high-end clothing stores that like they beep or they have like a there's like you can hear them ticking they're like little electromagnetic tags you've never seen this or heard this no i really am like where do you show well sometimes

like high-end clothing stores you can hear the tag the electronic tags they have die in there whoa what happens it'll explode and it ruins the garment so it's like worthless anyway they don't have die in the pack yeah they do yeah really die in them really yes yes that's insane they're these little electronic they sound like ticking bombs do you know i'm talking about carlos they you can physically hear them like you can hear them tick wow die pack is a radio control device used by banks to foil a bank robbery dude it's been around since 1965 but if you if i was some sort of engineer i could create a mechanism right that just puts them off in the store just for fun a bank note that is the discolor with security die cannot be redeemed right of course yeah

so you would be make an engineering ploy to make it so it wouldn't in a you say clothing store right like Gucci has it right yeah i'll just walk in press it and just all the brand new shit just forget to fucking die that'd be bad that's sick and go that's for the robbers but then banksy would be like i did that and then everything would be like 80 billion dollars sure that's they just had by the way i just saw a sign on the highway banksy just did like a sale like a art sale here in los louis do banksy los angeles sale they had like a fucking gallery apparently that was going on here all yeah look at this all sold out right like he did a closing july 31st tickets are still available oh so you can go watch it and buy his art how fucking funny it is funny how he's like

anti-corporate but he's totally fucking corporate is fine like he wants all that shit to sell huh billion so much money so much so much fucking money i feel like that's all of us like everybody hates the rich but wants to be rich yeah i've kind of i don't fucking i i don't hate the rich i hate people there's certain people do you want to be rich yeah how rich how rich what would you do with the money i want a house i'd like to buy my mama house that's tight that's cool and i want to pay off my car yeah and maybe buy some nicer clothes at these ticking places you're sorry you want to take a ticket closing okay yeah yeah well look at this says that the research says 75 000 a year can buy you happiness will that be enough that's fine that's good yeah

with 75 000 a year these studies have been going on for years they find that these studies find that statistically typically the happiest people are in a or in a range of income earning it's usually around like 70 to 100 grand and then those people tend to have the uh on paper statistically happy lives like they feel the most fulfilled and they feel that they don't have they have enough where they don't have a ton but they don't have too little they feel like they're in a good pocket wow it's a global study by the way that's insane look the global study says 95 000 for life satisfaction between 60 grand and 75 grand for emotional well-being but this is based on a lot of different factors that you can't kind of put into but some i guess they do think that that's

like the optimal number i think i'm in the 12 to 24 that's really really yeah that's your like my whole like living on my own so what would be the number that you think would and by the way this is bullshit because it's your net what is this median listening home price was a million dollars in la yeah it's fucking gross this place sucks this place sucks it's insane um what's the number you think would you be happy with like if you made x amount of dollars a year you'd be like i'm good i i really don't know how to answer that because i don't i like would want to buy a house so i guess a million you need a million at least a million yeah so there's a million for the house a million for the house well you want to you need two million your mom needs a house i need two million

to pay off your car how much uh you get a brand new car you would get a brand new car i like my car but i okay so two million twenty thousand twenty yeah two million twenty thousand a couple of nice ticking clothing stores yeah i want your clothes at your place i don't i don't shop there you can tell by the way my wardrobe is pathetic yeah but let's just say you want another ten thousand dollars in clothes so i'm just asking for two million thirty thousand that's it that's not that's doable but then you're done then i'm done then you're zeroed out you're okay with it but but can i but then i'd like to give back some money too to whom to who like other comics up and coming and they'll probably find a charity no that's nice you won't do that yeah like how you

give me a hundred dollars in the lot i would do that i'm gonna you're gonna see me in like i've given you a hundred dollars in a lot yeah you're gonna see me in ten years and some young kids gonna come park my car and i'm gonna be like do you like money i've said that do you like money yeah we talked about it okay can i say this though that money that you got is from the improv okay because the improv pays you cash yeah right so whenever i put the improv i always give that cash away well if i knew that i would say keep your improv money she hates the improv i'm just kidding rudy how much do you want to make um you already made she's already making like seven hundred thousand a year or something right now yeah at that bookstore bookstores paying a lot of money

i just want three million a year yeah okay jesus christ is a little bit your mind your mind you're warped you're warped i love it yeah i think i asked for too little you did yeah yeah yeah what is this gucci knives are six hundred dollars a knife that's what you're gonna buy with your money oh that's a set of two yeah that's for that's for one lonely guy we wanted to know what you guys wanted to make and apparently three million dollars a year is fucking how are you gonna do that jules how the fuck are we gonna make you three million a year that's so much money how okay maybe three million like in total already for the rest of your life yeah well what we okay we were doing yearly so how long are you gonna live forever 35 you're gonna live

to your 35 yeah so 15 more years yeah oh my god so sad so three million three million divided by 15 years you're gonna make 200 grand a year we could probably get you there i guess we'd get you there you want to die at 35 kiddo because what if i get hit or something or get shot who's hitting you i don't know who's shooting you bud a school shooter they don't really go for fucking community colleges i feel like they stick to the big she's in a new university c-sun is is northwestern a community college no cal state cal state oh cal state northridge is that they don't like cal state school they don't like cal state their school scooters don't do cal state um i don't know what if i get eaten by a bear or something eaten by a bear yeah seems unlikely unlikely but you'll

be out of school by 35 i don't know not with this fucking brain yeah bear attacks are one and two million there's no way no chance no chance shark attack more common probably for you especially because you go swimming out there where they are yeah one in three million but do some do some math what about Filipino girls that go to hawaii often no but it's one in three million that doesn't include people that don't go in the ocean correct all right just one in three million people that the three million are people in the ocean no i think that's just one and you have one in three million chance of getting bit by a shark some guy that lives in fucking um Idaho that is not lives in the forest is not going to get bitten by a fucking shark you shouldn't be a part of the

equation heart heart disease then okay 39 000 deaths and females in the philippines in 2019 all right so you get heart disease i could see it your diet's bad yeah that's not isn't it i guess it is yeah yeah don't eat bad shit mcdonald's french fries yeah what the fuck that's all what do you mean you think that's not a bad diet she makes her own french fry it was terrible would you air fry it yeah i did it was really soggy it's not good you can't you can't air fry french fries i think you can't you can't well oven cook them then you can oven cook them but you can't air fry them they come soggy they just get too soft can you can't well how do you make current google how do you make crispy a fucking french fries in the air fry you know it's good in a pan with oil and you

fry them yeah no it's really good that's the best way to teach her a traditional way to make french fries she's like just put them in a pan with oil i used to make those all the time air fryer set the kitchen appliance 350 okay it says you could do it but yeah unlike a microwave reheating fries with the air fryer keeps them crisp so this is saying it does get crisp in the air fryer you fucked up five three to five minutes i did ten no 13 minutes 13 minutes i mean you overcooked at that but they were soggy they were soggy not cooked all the way through i think your fries were cut too thick oh yeah it stayed fries okay they were cooked the way out you gotta throw them out we'll switch that up that's fine yeah i just go to fucking mcdonald's why would you make it our home yeah you're not

gonna be they're cheap at you're not gonna beat the place that's been doing it right for so long yeah what are we talking best fries in the game mcdonald's better than in and out better than burger better than wendy's better than hamburger in town now what is hi-ho oh yeah oh yeah they're good yeah real good have you been there yeah but there's so many competitors not like burgers never say die all that shit there's so many burgers my favorite easy street and they used to be in a little tent by my house and now they move to burbank dude i'm gonna have one of those right now right now i'm gonna you want one of those yeah i'll take you right after this we're going to i have that's my favorite less red meat but it's not working i said i fuck it i don't know what i'm i

i'm trying no because it's i know it's not great for you to eat it so much but i love it so much but it clogs up my insides i didn't poop for like four days when i had coven i didn't need to know this four days i don't know i don't care about your schedule also i don't even know if i had coven by the way i i because i tested positive you tested positive yeah but then three days later was negative yeah and everybody was like that i don't know if that's possible maybe you have monkey pox you might have had it in your poop it's what they're saying those with digestive systems were more likely to have a positive stool test oh wow whoa well i did put the swab in my nose and then in my shit and then i put it in the thing so that does add up i guess lack of appetite is the most

common system oddly polar opposite couldn't stop fucking eating couldn't stop fucking eating like a fat fuck i just sat on i have door dashed all day long i door dashed all day long on my fucking couch what do you get most like if you look at your orders what's the most if i look at my door dash yeah let's go my door dash i'll see what i order the most when i'm not well i usually do it when i'm not feeling well because otherwise i go get stuff but it has your history right yeah i'll tell you mine so where is it mine goes mortons casita del campo mortons casita del campo casita del campo casita del campo mortons so you like mix it up a lot that literally is my thing let me hear yours let me hear yours jesse i know mine by heart

it's sweet grains or joe's pizza love joe's yeah it's so good mine is Thai food Thai food mendicino farms uh pizza thai goop kitchen pizza goop sugarfish thai indian mendicino jones it's all the same shit yeah well i think when you order food like especially during the pandemic when that's everybody was doing so much of it sometimes you get it delivered and it's like not good yeah but then you find your places that that do it the best yeah there's places that do the delivery the best yeah all right well listen um i want to announce something okay happy to announce we're getting married we are getting married i'm a little excited about it i have decided i'm going to finally shoot my special yeah netflix uh september 24th i'm going to be shooting at the

paramount theater in denver tickets should be available by the time this comes out um and in the meantime i'm doing i'm going to run my hour in a bunch of different spots i'm doing salt lake city september 9th and 10th and then we're adding dates so go to interestantino.com to see those i'll be running the hour yeah i'm taping it september 24 i'm nervous i'm nervous i'm nervous i taping is so stinky live shows are so fun but taping is so fucking annoying because you're there's so much that makes it look not like a comedy show that you're like it's just it's but you know what i got a good crew people doing it this uh the same guys that i went and saw ari shuffier do his taping in new york and it was fucking beautiful and it didn't look it cameras weren't in people's faces it was

like hidden so nobody kind of knew it kind of felt they knew it was a taping but it you know it's nothing worse than when you're like a taping and a guy's like looking around a fucking camera stock and yeah it's just weird like whenever i did the comedy central one the half hours we would break they would stop uh in between comics they go okay guys we're gonna change some stuff out i was like how are they gonna find this funny they have to like sit there and wait for a new comic for 20 minutes and then that's why i would never do one where it's a series like it's going to be you jump around you know i mean i want to do my own when i do want it's gonna be my own thing that's why i waited yeah i did this i think i'm going to do mine in the theater or in a round

you want it in the round yeah wow because of your body you want people to see your whole body yeah and i also wanted to be like just kind of stacked you want to like falling in on you yeah i want to stack theater in the round where it's kind of like blood sport well here's the deal yeah yeah september 24th at the paramount theater in denver i'm doing it go to interestantino.com to follow me before that to see what other dates i'm doing outside of salt lake city to warm up me and bobby are planning a tour right now to do bad friends next year we are going to be coming tell us where you want us to go because we're going to be doing a bad friends tour maybe jet ski will be there she'll open every all the shows maybe all right well everyone go visit rudy go to

interestantino.com and come see me live and go visit rudy and tell say hey i'm a bad friend and that is going to get you how much off what's the discount at the bookstore five five what five what five percent five percent ten percent you're going to get 15 percent off when you say i'm a bad friend too um why don't you uh say goodbye for us thank you for being a bad friend