Bad Friends - Bobby's Break Up Tips

Starting point is 00:00:00 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo-hoo. White dude and Asian dude. Woo-hoo. You two are disgusting. Woo-hoo. Oh, you two are something.

Starting point is 00:00:10 We're bad friends. Yeah, let's complain to the guys in the booth about this. Go make a movie about it. Yeah, yeah, or maybe go up on stage. You know what I mean? We have work ethic. You know, you don't. And stop complaining then. You know, it's your generation, dude.

Starting point is 00:00:29 I mean, we're gritty, dude. We are very gritty. Yeah, we click click, right? You know what that is? Click click. What's that? Checking in with your cousins? I'm checking in the work at the factory.

Starting point is 00:00:39 Oh yeah, yeah. You hear that? Click click, right? And then you go, hello supervisor, Monroe. And they go, hello there, you know what I mean right and then you go hello supervisor Monroe. They go hello there You know I mean lineman Look at this Why do you have that that's Andrew C. Oh really oh yeah, it sucks. Oh, it sucks you want to switch no no I want to say yeah, yeah, yeah, what Andrew likes yeah anyway you click click click opens up his pot. Okay. I know he's back

Starting point is 00:01:06 He has back aches. Oh my god. He has a spinal dead disc. What a gay little boy. He has a gay disc He has a little gay disc in his back. He's a gay. They're dismantled What a crybaby huh? He really is. Well what if he hit his head on the toilet remember? Yeah, like a crybaby. How did he hit his head on the toilet? He got all woozy like ooh I'm redheaded I get woozy You know what I mean? He falls over With a nerd thing Wait, what's mine? The Vietnamese one. What's yours?

Starting point is 00:01:32 A white man's one. Mine is um Dude, dude Because Andrew's not here, you're gonna try- I like it What did he say? S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S- I can't do this today man, I'm so tired. Oh my god, it's raining. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Where'd he, ah! Oh! Oh my god.

Starting point is 00:01:49 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:01:55 Oh! Oh! Andrew's definitely not here. Andrew's not here. Oh my god. So, you know. Andrew be yelling at that? Does he not let, see here's what's good about me

Starting point is 00:02:04 and you doing the pun, I'll let you be you. I won't keep you in the cave. I know and when I do that. He doesn't like it He doesn't like it. He's an oppressor dude. Yes. Yeah, dude. I'm gonna say this right now, dude I've had enough of him setting the rules It's all about him dude. Yeah, you're gonna do it this time You have to do it this or you're not doing it. You know me gets bad Do you have any does it and he does it all while sitting on his seesaw. Yeah! He's like this on the seesaw.

Starting point is 00:02:31 Yeah! Like a seahorse. Yeah, he's like a seahorse. Yeah, seahorse seesaw. It's like a bike without a seat. You don't shut up. All right, you shut up. I can't believe this is what he does. All right, you beg. I love when now every time I see a clip of Andrew when he's like yelling and getting

Starting point is 00:02:45 mad at being a tough guy, then he goes like this. I know, I know. He just, woo. Right? Oh, but your back hurts when you can play golf all day? Exactly. Yeah, I mean, what kind of golf are you playing, dude? Scumbag.

Starting point is 00:02:55 Scumbag golf. You don't play golf, do you? No. I know why. Why? Because you're a man. Yes. You're a real man.

Starting point is 00:03:03 I'm not going to do. I've made a decision. I'm not going to do what other people people do. I'm not gonna do the things that will advance my career Get that back yeah, say it again Play golf or what? Bowl or what? We do what we do we do what we do what we do and I do kiss on the lips at the We also read Kierkegaard. Yes, we read Kierkegaard.

Starting point is 00:03:28 Here in Trembling. No, we do Kierkegaard. Philosophical books. Hold on, we read Kierkegaard? Yeah, watch Kurosawa films. Kurosawa films, yeah, yeah. We meditate. We meditate, dude.

Starting point is 00:03:36 Meditate. With our dicks out. Yes, we meditate a lot. We go for walks. Yeah. And take your pants down. Take our pants down. Oh, you know what I did yesterday?

Starting point is 00:03:43 What? My friend, I was in the green room before you got there right there was all guys in there I just pulled my penis out good. Yeah, and everyone laughed. Yeah. Yeah, like the old days. Yeah. Yeah, they did a guard comedy They laugh good. It's kirk regard coming. It's existential. Yeah philosophical comedy, dude You have to think about it and ponder dude. Yeah, I don't ponder anymore justifancies Let's ponder I know dude, what did you ponder about today? I was able to follow you last night. Yeah, that's what I'm puppet Pondering dude. I was scared. Yeah, you're mad. It's a score garden comic now

Starting point is 00:04:25 Yeah, allegedly allegedly dude allegedly. We'll seeedly. Allegedly, dude. Allegedly. We'll see what happens, check your newsfeed. Yes, so great lineup last night. Really was, I like doing comedy here. You remember? Hi. You remember her? Ruby, Ruby.

Starting point is 00:04:36 Ruby Tuesday. Rudy. Rudy. Ruby cake. Ruby cake. Hello. Oh wow, she's putting makeup on? Yeah, wow, oh yeah, it's great. This is a special tiger belly. She doesn't do shit. Yeah

Starting point is 00:04:47 Yeah, yeah, yeah, but for bad friends look at her. She was coming. I knew she was coming. Hello. Yeah, welcome again What's the wait? Wait, what's the name? This Stefano. Yeah Have you ever seen him online? Yeah, you pops up. I see you the tubby where Oh tub aware. Yeah, you pops up? I see you the tub-a-ware. Oh, tub-a-ware. Yeah, what's that? I mispronounced the word tub-a-ware on my old podcast, Hey Babe with Sal Vulcano, and that's the thing that went viral, not the jokes that I've written. I know.

Starting point is 00:05:15 The things that go viral, you can't plan. And I have to do comedy shows and people bring tub-a-ware and I sign them. Even though I'm an accomplished comedian. Yeah, yeah. I just suck the word like that. What was the bit? I've never accomplished comedian. I just suck the word like that. What was the bit? I've never seen that.

Starting point is 00:05:26 I just mispronounced the word tubberware because I thought it was T-U-B-B-E-R. Oh, that's so funny. Like a tub, but it was Tup. Yeah, I didn't know that. Yeah, I don't want to see it. You know what happened was is the gay community on TikTok, I swear to God, they started coming out to their parents.

Starting point is 00:05:42 They started doing like all like, you know, like TikTok, you could take the audio. They started coming out to their parents. They started doing like all like, you know like TikTok, you could take the audio. They started coming out to their parents with the Tumblr video and that's what made it super viral. Oh, whoa. Yeah, like they would do that. They would come out like, I'm gay, I'm Tumblr? Gay Tumblr, yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:54 I don't get it. I don't know. Gay Tumblr, I'm gay? Gay Tumblr, I'm gay. What do you say? What is it? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty good.

Starting point is 00:06:01 But this whole thing and then it went viral. They would get little buttholes and all. Let me ask you, your relationship with Sal good, of course, but you end it then you were you doing are you done with him? No, well, we just stopped the pod. We were both he was he was going back on tour and practical Joker started again I'm a gambler. So I'm addicted to losing right like to lose it. Get it back. Yeah, who's it? Get it back right get it back. I say see I cancel the show. I put it back now. You're back with young Back with you. Yeah, yeah, stop it put it back. Yeah. Yeah. That it back. I cancel the show, I put it back. Now you're back with Yon. Back with Yon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:26 Then I'll stop and put it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so happy that you're back. No, Yon is, shout out to his trainers because that is, I finally found a place too for me to just be so wild on the Patreon there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To say what I want, do what I want.

Starting point is 00:06:38 Yeah, you like to say wild things, huh? I like to say wild things, but I kept getting demonetized. Yeah. So now I don't. If you were in a zoo, let me ask you a question. You're in a zoo, you'd have fallen into a pit, okay? Animal pit, right? You have chimps?

Starting point is 00:06:50 Would you rather fall into chimps, hyenas, or the third one's a good one? Joe Rogan Zombie. Oh, I would say if I wanted to, out of all of them, I would say Joe Rogan zombie. There's no way No, yes, he would know fucking eat your fucking no no no no and then and then do push up with your body Because you know what I travel with no no because I would know how to distract him You know what I travel with on it kettlebells

Starting point is 00:07:20 Yeah, that's good company the honor kettlebells right right so I would take one of his on it kettlebells Right, I was like a gorilla head, and I put it in the corner and he Right run the other way that's a good one. It's the hyenas will eat you alive That's what they like to do they like to eat from the feet first nobody to live. I'm so rip your head off I'll tell you my logic with the hyenas though tell me you want to hear my logic. You know how about hyenas because you What do you know about them? there about hyenas because you what do you know about them? They're That Merchant property?

Starting point is 00:07:51 Bible? Yeah, yeah. You know, he just converted. Do you know that? I just want to say something. Yeah, yeah, he wants to say, he has a message for you. I just want to say something.

Starting point is 00:07:58 He has a message for you. During Jechamiah's reign, Nebus Nazer, this is N-U-B-U-C-H, Nebus Nazer. King of Babylon attacked and Juckamaka became his vassal for three years. Then Jehomar turned and rebelled against him. The Lord loosed against him bands of Chaldeans, Armenes, Mobites, and Ammonites.

Starting point is 00:08:16 He unleashed them against Judah to destroy him. According to the Lord's words, spoken through his servants, the prophets. This befell Judah because the Lord had stated that he would put them out of his sight for the sins. Manasseh had committed it in all that he did and especially because of the innocent bludgeon. Because of Manasseh and the Jammamites were cousins.

Starting point is 00:08:32 And then you know what happened? Yohan. The rest of the act. Yohan had something to do with it. The rest of the acts of Jehukim. But Jehukim, he was like Judas at that time. Yes. But then like Job.

Starting point is 00:08:43 Who's Jammamite? That's exactly, that's the mystery. And that's what we're all asking. And theologians and religious people are always asking that question. The wicked have been corrupt since birth. Liars from the wool may have gone astray. Their venom is like the venom of a snake,

Starting point is 00:08:58 like that of a serpent chopping its ears. Whoa! Let me read you my favorite. I'll read you my favorite. I have my favorite too, dude. Oh, you wanna go, dude? Here we go. You're so happy.

Starting point is 00:09:10 Oh, my favorite parable, dude. Feroa's broken arm. Okay. Yeah. Oh, the seventh day of the first month in the 11th year. And I was 14 years old then. Really? By the way, little side note.

Starting point is 00:09:24 Oh. Okay, and that's when I lost my virginity. At 14? I was 14 years old then. Really? By the way, little side note. Oh. Okay, and that's when I lost my virginity. At 14? Oh, I was molested. Yes. Same thing. I have broken the arm of Pharaoh, King of the Egypt. Why'd he do that?

Starting point is 00:09:36 Let me finish it, fuck this. God damn it. See. King of Egypt. See, dude. It has not been immobilized for healing, nor set with a splint to make it strong enough to grasp a sword.

Starting point is 00:09:50 And when they say sword, they mean dick. Yes. Back then, you know what I mean? The sword is a symbol of dick. Parable. It's a parable, dude. You know what I mean? And you can't grasp yours.

Starting point is 00:09:58 You have to use two fingers, right? We grasp. Yeah, we grasp. Carlos has a little dick? No, no, no, this is a fucking porc. Yeah, yeah, fancy porc. Yeah, but it's Spanish. It's okay if it's little Spanish. I know, but he who he Carlos has a little dick. No, no, this is fucking poor. Yeah. Yeah fancy poor Yeah, but it's Spanish. It's okay if it's little I know but he droops up with three fingers Really? Yeah, yeah, like a fully erect like only one hand Yeah, and I don't know how you got her your wife pregnant, but that's a mystery with style

Starting point is 00:10:19 You just jam the gummy in the gummy penis into their vag Wow, So gross. How old is the baby? Two. Yeah. Okay, nice. Jules, would you read Chris DeStefano, our guest, a parable of your choosing, please? Yes, please, thank you.

Starting point is 00:10:34 Yeah. Go ahead, there you go. Jesus is among us all, remember that. Yes. There it is. Usurpation of Athaliah. When Athaliah the mother of Azjiah saw that her son was dead, she began to kill off the whole royal family of the house of Judah. You're very excited about that.

Starting point is 00:10:57 That's fun. Yeah, yeah. But anyway, what did you learn from that parable, Jules? That it's okay to kill your family. No, that's not what the parable was. Somebody killed a daughter, right, and then she killed the royal family. Oh, that's her family. It's okay to kill your rival.

Starting point is 00:11:14 That's great. Yes, yes. Is it okay? I think in certain instances it's okay. So I can kill Ronnie Chang? Yes. Okay, good. I thought you did already.

Starting point is 00:11:24 Yeah, no, no, no, no. So Jimmy O'Yang, Ronnie Chang, Dr. Ken. They're all my hit list. Margaret Cho. Yeah. Who are your rivals that you're gonna kill? Who am I gonna kill? I'm gonna kill... Schultz? No, no, I wanna kill Schultz. I don't kill black people. I would kill... I don't really have like a rival who's like me. I mean, um, hmm I don't know. Yeah, just because maybe I'd kill um, I think kills a harsh. Let's let's let's let's reframe kill. Okay, okay Okay, that's not funny. Yeah, I did that part out. I Don't like it. It's a play on words. I don't like it. Yeah, you don't like it. Right, right.

Starting point is 00:12:05 So how about this, okay? You're in an elevator. You see people running to get in. It's closing. Sometimes you put your hand in. Right to stop it. But who would you let it close? Who would I let it, whose face?

Starting point is 00:12:16 Who would you close on? Right in front of their face. So what I would do, I'll just, and it has nothing to do with how I feel about them. I would just do it for a laugh Who would you know fortune fume sir? All right, so you're an elevator now. Would you who would you who's running toward? Yeah? Yeah, sprinting towards me. Yeah I would let it close on

Starting point is 00:12:39 For him ah more Just cuz I saw him last night Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would just fucking yell something. Because he would, I'll tell you why. I would look at his eyes and I would say, never forget. Oh, 9-11? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:52 I'm a hack, I'm a hack. Yeah, yeah, no, I like it. Yeah. Yeah, middle of the first. But I like it because I love him. Right, but so here's the thing. The reason I would do it to him is he wouldn't be, even when he's mad, he's not mad. No. He's too nice.

Starting point is 00:13:05 And he was with a beautiful girl last night. Oh my, holy moly. Is that his girlfriend, I guess? It's the girl that he is seeing, yeah. She's beautiful. Holy moly. Holy. I hugged her so hard last night. I hugged her so hard,

Starting point is 00:13:18 and I think he called me at one in the morning. I sort of got, and I didn't pick up because I think it's about the hug. Because you hugged her and then you were bubbling from the other spit bubbles in your mouth. I sort of got and I didn't pick up because I think it's about the hug Because you hugged her and then you were bubbling from the other spit bubbles in your we did a head Like here's what we did a side hug. Yeah, but then her head hit my head Yeah, and we touched heads like this right mmm, and I think we our heads fucked Cuz I did come yeah So she went I went oh right and then I saw his like, you know, you did. Yeah, I did cum, right? So she went, doot, I went, oh, right?

Starting point is 00:13:45 And then I saw his like, you know how Afghans get it or whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah. You get sand crazy. Yeah, they do. They really do. They get sand crazy, dude, right? They do.

Starting point is 00:13:56 Right, right, right, right. And they start thinking of crazy things, you know what I mean? Like taking a bag and putting some sort of contraption in it and just putting it on the side of the road right now. They get and crazy dude, right? So what I'm saying you think when he's fucking her he has to take off a c4 Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know I Envision him putting a mask right having a pole right and then having someone dressed like Luke Skywalker. He's got you know me hole right and then having someone dressed like Luke Skywalker he's going you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:14:30 Oh god. You remember that Bobby? Yeah. The new hope? Yeah. On Tatooine? Why are we attacking tonight's con? He's a great guy my point is that. And he's got a beautiful girlfriend. So we hit heads. I came right. He called at one in the morning right and I didn't pick up because I knew that's what it was about. Right. Like why'd you fuck my fucking girl's head? What uh but maybe it wasn't about that. It couldn't have been. Should I call him? Call him. Call him. Call him. What do you think, should I call him? He's also a very handsome man.

Starting point is 00:14:48 He's a handsome, he's- Isn't he on SNL? Wasn't he on SNL? He auditioned or, I don't know. He should do it. But he's good. No, no, he should do it. He's the best writer on the West Coast.

Starting point is 00:14:58 Very, one of the funniest comics ever too. Yeah, yeah. I love him. So, right, if- Look at him, what a handsome man. Fahim at 12 11 he called. So here we go. What do you wanna talk about?

Starting point is 00:15:08 I don't know, I didn't pick up. You know, you actually don't pick up a lot. And it's a first for me. I never pick up, I love it. And I also have something to talk to you about too after the phone call. Okay, good, all right. Your call has been forwarded.

Starting point is 00:15:19 What is the thing that you wanna talk to me about? There was an episode you guys did two weeks ago, three weeks ago when the fires were happening and then you checked in on each person You know, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, please don't You want to do it? Yeah, I do because I want to say to people right now. I have empathy Great empathy for the people that lost their homes. You're letting me stay in your house I'm letting you stay at my house because of the fire. Right.

Starting point is 00:15:45 Because Kailila's house was in Altadena and they still can't get there. Right. So the dogs and you can stay at my house forever. Right. OK. So Kailila's house was set on fire. It got saved, but they can't go into the area.

Starting point is 00:15:59 Got it. OK. Because of the lead. What? Because of the looters? No. Carlos, what? What?

Starting point is 00:16:04 I'm just asking. No, not because of looters, man. Hey, I'm asking why you can't go back, dude. Because of the lead what cuz the looters no Carlos what what I'm just asking No, but I was a looters man. Hey, I'm asking why you can't go back because of the fucking chemicals and stuff That's in the air, man. Oh Yeah, so Anyway, so then what happened? So I I was I I texted I Texted I listen you're in you're in New York and Emma New York and I hear this episode everyone Andrew and Bobby are going to The people who reached out to them and then and and I reached out to Andrew and I'm in New York, and I hear this episode, everyone, Andrew and Bobby are going to the people who reached out to them. And I reached out to Andrew, and I have proof of that text,

Starting point is 00:16:29 and I reached out to Bobby, and I have proof of that text. On Friday, January 10th. And I said that you didn't. The day after the fires, you said I didn't. I said, hey, babe, how are you checking in on fires? I love you, is what I said to him. And then two hours later, he sent me back the text that text that said not great followed by this picture of an Asian man burning himself alive In a protest of Vietnam and that's what I was sent and then and then I wrote I love you and then he said

Starting point is 00:16:58 Love you, too, bro. You know, we just have for you to read another passage One more and that's it. I like reading on track. I like reading the New Testament. Yeah, yeah. Okay, let me say a parable 58. Cry out full-throated and unsparingly. Oh, that's enough. Lift up your voice. That's enough, I already know.

Starting point is 00:17:13 Lift up your voice like a trumpet blast. Whoa, I know what trumpet means. Proclaim to my people their transgression to the house of Jacob their sins. Ooh. Ooh. Like a nation that has done what is just and not abandoned the judgment of their God. They ask of me just judgments they desire

Starting point is 00:17:27 to draw near God. Why do we fast? But yet you do not see it. Why do we fast? Afflict ourselves, but you take no note. See on your fast, you carry out your own pursuits and drive all your labors. See, you fast only to quarrel and fight

Starting point is 00:17:44 and to strike with a wicked fist. Do not fast as you do today to make your voice heard on high. Is this the manner of fasting I would choose? Mm, what does that mean? They don't eat? Oh, it's those, they had those the big back then. That's the thing. They used intermittent fasting,

Starting point is 00:17:58 that's what I used called, yeah. Was there a Karen Carpenter back in the day? A what is? A Karen Carpenter back in that time. Who's Karen Carpenter? You don't know Karen Carpenter? I know Sabrina Carpenter, in the day? A what is? A Karen Carpenter back in that time. Who's Karen Carpenter? Huh? Who's Karen Carpenter? You don't know Karen Carpenter? I know Sabrina Carpenter.

Starting point is 00:18:07 I went to her concert. Am I saying Karen Carpenter wrong? No, you're saying it correct. Yeah, yeah. How do you not know who Karen Carpenter is? Cause I only know Sabrina Carpenter. Oh yeah. I went to her concert.

Starting point is 00:18:17 Out of the Carpenters? Sabrina Carpenter. I went to her concert and my family left. There was a band called the Carpenters. And she was a drummer and a singer. And Jesus's father was a carpenter. Yeah, and she died from bulimia. From bulimia?

Starting point is 00:18:29 Yeah, and I was trying to make a little, try to riff on something and you didn't know, so now it's kind of just, it was a dead end. I'm sorry, hold on. You hear me? I'm sorry. You like Sabrina Carpenter? I love Sabrina. Oh, here we go. Then it would be the, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, really. I know a guy. You know, I know a lot of With her we know a lot of guys. Here's a little secret everyone listening. Okay, tell us we've had people on this show, right?

Starting point is 00:19:11 Unknown comics almost right people that are like really right that have hooked up with super famous Celebrities Jeff that we can never we can never announce here here. Jeff Die, Jeff Die. Like crazy thing, like I know things. Jeff Die. It's close. But like crazy things like that. But if I said it now, it would cause so much ruckus and chaos. Yeah.

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Starting point is 00:22:59 nykdpouches.com slash bad friends. This special offer isn't just for your first purchase. Use this up to three times. Don't wait. That's nykdpouches.com slash bad friends. Have you ever seen hermaphrodite up close? You know, I don't want to Google it because I don't know if we can show it, but can you describe it to me? Okay, so when I... Okay, so let me... Okay, hermaphrodite is this.

Starting point is 00:23:31 Let me try to... The definition. Do it, do it, do it. Is hermaphrodite somebody that was born with both genitals? With both genitals. Are they combined? They can be. There's a whole array of hermaphrodite.

Starting point is 00:23:42 Now, which kind would you want to be? So I'd want to be... I want to So i'd want to be I want to be combined Combine I want to be combined. I want to be mostly pussy with a little dick Yeah, yeah, yeah, I want to be pussy and the clit be my dick I want to know what I want to be. Yeah, so I want to I want to two and one I want to have I want to have a full pussy and just balls Really or or I want to have the penis right and have the fucking whole of the penis be a pussy. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Great. So only like you know like little rodents

Starting point is 00:24:12 and things I can fuck it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you're saying like you have a full penis but just the end is a pussy. Yeah it's shaped like but it's not the whole that we have right. It has the actual like labia and the clit but it's miniature., what if you have a penis and both fragles like a fraggle from the Fraggle Rock and come back You have a full. What if you have a full penis, but then both balls are just two pussies The balls big yeah, okay Cuz I want regular size badges on the balls right right right and then right what you could do is if Brittany and What's her name Abby and Brittany the twins were lesbians? Yes, that's that's it two for one So two for two when I was a two for two. Yeah. Yeah, I was a physical therapist like we're talking

Starting point is 00:24:58 Well, I'm bringing up because I was a physical therapist and there was a hermaphrodite who was a patient of ours But my boss didn't tell me okay. It was a hermaphrodite who was a patient of ours, but my boss didn't tell me. Okay. Oh. It was also my second week on the job. Wow. So he knew, you know, we're not working in the hospital, whatever, and this person who was hermaphrodite came in, they needed a total knee replacement. So I just thought it was a regular patient. It was just like a regular guy, you know, whatever. And he had total knee replacement. So my boss was like, you know, I want you to do a I want you to do a pelvic exam as well.

Starting point is 00:25:25 A pelvic, all right. Is this a true story? It's a true story. Oh my God. And I said, and I said, what do you mean? And they're like standing in the back like this, like laugh, you know, like holding in laughter. Cause even the guy was in on it, the actual patient.

Starting point is 00:25:35 And I said, I said, oh, pelvic exam, but he has total knee replacement. What did he look like this guy? He looked like a normal guy. Like Adrian Brody? Yeah. Okay, good. I want him to look like Adrian Brody for some reason.

Starting point is 00:25:44 He looked like if you combined Carlos and fancy. Like that. Not Adrian Brody? Yeah. Okay, good. I want him to look like Adrian Brody for some reason. He look like if you combined Carlos and Fancy. Not Adrian Brody. Yeah, yeah. The opposite. Yeah, yeah. He look like if you added Carlos's penis and Fancy's pussy. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:55 So we go, I say pelvic exam, okay, and I start going, doing my little pelvic exam above the robe and my boss says, no, you need to disrobe. He's giving permission. And I said a ghost, you know doing like my little pelvic exam above the robe and my boss is no you need To disrobe he's giving permission and I said, oh, okay, sir. And is it a good is a trick? No, they're you're just real no I love it go I go so I get them in the proper position for a pelvic exam lay them down and it's like, you know, very Medical procedure whatever. Yeah, and I'm going to do it and I pull down and I go Oh my god, because you pull down and you see a penis you see the penis

Starting point is 00:26:24 I see the top of the penis and then right off to the side, this guy had just a huge pussy coming off his thigh. There's no way. I swear to God. You swear to God? A huge pussy, it doesn't work. Why would you go, oh my god then?

Starting point is 00:26:35 Because you don't expect to see a pussy on the inside of a guy's thigh. You know what it's like? You know, it's in the movie Temple of Doom. Yes. Right, when Kate Capshaw, right, is getting that soup. Yes. And she's really soup. Yes. And she's

Starting point is 00:26:45 really hungry. Yeah. She's about to eat it. Yeah. And then the eyeball. Yes. That's what I equated to. Yeah. Holy smoke, Dr. Jones. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I saw it and then these guys are fucking dying laughing because. Were you laughing? Yeah. Well, then I started to laugh. Yeah. Yeah. But I was like, what? You couldn't do that today. Imagine today trying to do that as like a goof where you just prank a hermaphrodite. That's a new show on True TV. So if I honestly, be honest with me with your heart.

Starting point is 00:27:13 Literally hand on the, yeah right. Honestly dude, if I was a hermaphrodite, okay? And I showed you my badge. Yeah. Okay. And it was like, I'm talking about like, you know, you know, like Kate Ma, you know, like I'm talking about like, you know what I mean? Just the perfect perfect. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rebel Wilson. Rebel Wilson. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I do. Is that she's in cats, right? She's hot. Yes.

Starting point is 00:27:44 That lady in cat. Yes. I like her. I think she's in cats, right? She's hot, yes. That lady in cats. Yes. I like her. Her vats, like beefy. Rebel, like that. Yeah, but beefy. Yeah. She looks like a nice tight beef.

Starting point is 00:27:52 That's what I was thinking. She looks like she has the kind of a giant ass. We shouldn't talk like that about women. Yeah, maybe we shouldn't. We respect all women and Jules, we apologize, right? But let's say it's a very good one. Yes. And I looked at you and I went, you wanna?

Starting point is 00:28:07 You would? Be honest. So you're saying you have a working vagina as a hermaphrodite. Yeah. You're you? You're fully you just with a vagina. Well, I could like half my face.

Starting point is 00:28:17 Yeah. You know what I mean, put makeup. Yeah. I would do it. I would do it because you know why? You're hairless. That's what I like. If you were a more hairy guy, I would say no, but I would fuck you. I would fuck it. Yeah, you know why you're hairless That's what I like. Yeah, we're at more hairy guy. Yeah, I would say no, but I'd like to I would fuck you

Starting point is 00:28:27 I would fuck you. Yeah, you have no hair. That's what I like about you. You're very very very hairless I wish I can say the same for you. I don't have hair. No, I wouldn't do it with you I have hair on my legs, but you're too manly you have all the chin You have the fucking you know, I mean you look just too manly to me. Do you think I'm handsome? You look like a Greek God because of your nose. What does Andrew Santino handsome? Am I more handsome than Andrew Santino? I'm gonna say yes. Yes, that one is yes.

Starting point is 00:28:57 Dude, it's not even a, dude, that's not even a debate. You know what I mean? So then I should get the show. Like, yeah, he's like, Oh yeah, look at that guy. And he's handsome at the top of the red spectrum. Right. Right. Right.

Starting point is 00:29:10 But if you take him out, He's like handsome for a guy with special needs. Just a white spectrum, it's like special needs. Right, right, right. But red, he's top of the line. Top of the line, the top redhead. And for little mythological Asian dudes, I feel like I'm the top of the line.

Starting point is 00:29:23 You really are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right, there's you, there's Jackie, I would say. Fro of the line. You really are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right, there's you, there's Jackie, I would say. Frotto Baggins. You, Jackie, and Frotto Baggins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The panda in the Central Park Zoo. Yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:34 I think amongst them in a lineup, I'd probably be, like you know that thing where they pop the balloons? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think the pandas would pop my balloon. No. They're balloons. No, you're very handsome, and you're also very confident my Jasmine my girl. Yeah, very cute. She loves you She's lovely. It was kind of juicing her up that night at the hulu party. She loves you. Yeah

Starting point is 00:29:52 I think juicing was the wrong word to use. This is a pattern with you because you tried to fuck Jasmine's head too I did a head thing That's what he does Yeah, thank you. That's how he marks his territory. Yeah, yeah. Because I kissed her on the head goodnight, it smelled like kimchi. Yeah. Yeah, you're good, dude. Yeah, she's, you know what, here's,

Starting point is 00:30:12 can I be honest with you? That's what I'm looking for. She's beautiful, right? That's what I'm looking for. Yeah. Someone that can, here's FY for people out there, okay? That wanna. For women who wanna maybe date you.

Starting point is 00:30:24 Maybe I wanna be able wanna be my life partner. Yeah. Okay. Respect that. It's one thing to be beautiful, cultured. She is beautiful. I don't know. But it's like my daughter, you know what I mean? It's like looking at my dogs or whatever.

Starting point is 00:30:39 I was like, there it is. But I love you. I love all my animals. But my point is this. I'm sorry. That's so rude. I apologize But I love you. I love all my animals. But my point is this. I'm sorry. That's so rude. I apologize. I love you.

Starting point is 00:30:49 But what I'm saying is that, you know, beauty, right? And culture, right? But they need to adapt to every social situation. I feel like your wife can adapt to social situations. Am I correct or not about that? You're correct about her. What I love about her, after being with her for 10 years,

Starting point is 00:31:09 what I love about her is she is very loyal and she knows bullshit right away and she knows what people to say, hey, no more with this guy. There's something I don't like about him. And she's right. She's right because she grew up in the hood. What if she said that about me?

Starting point is 00:31:23 No, but she knew. I know, but what if she did then you would fuck start fucking with me Yeah, then I would start fucking with you. Okay, that's what I would do. Okay, I would bring back the Asian hate Yeah, yeah now now I listen because you know, we're engaged now, you know that oh Bravo Congratulations. Will you have a wedding? Yes, we're gonna have a wedding. Can I go? Yes, 100%. We got engaged on January 6th. I swear to God.

Starting point is 00:31:49 You did? I swear to God. Well, that's a great day, great holiday. We got engaged on January 6th and then we were gonna get married on 9-11, but I'm doing the show. Okay. But we might just get married at the show.

Starting point is 00:31:57 Okay. And so we got engaged because I said, you know what? How long am I gonna keep not committing? How long am I gonna keep not committing? How long am I gonna keep doing this? We have children with her. We have children and my daughter, you know the first thing my daughter said when we got engaged, she said,

Starting point is 00:32:10 finally daddy, we're gonna be a real family. Oh, did you cry? Cried, 100% cried. I don't see you crying. I had to cry on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I cry, that was something that brought tears. The only times I've cried in the last year,

Starting point is 00:32:23 I swear to God, is that moment and when I rewatched Little Giants from 1994. That gets me. You ever seen Little Giants? The annexation of Puerto Rico. That's what I call my family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you really cry during that moment?

Starting point is 00:32:37 I swear to God, I really did. I really, really cried. And, but I cried when my daughter said that and it made me feel really bad about some of the decisions I've made over the course of my last 10 years of like why didn't I just commit to do this with her earlier? What was I afraid of?

Starting point is 00:32:51 Because what I've done is I've committed to two people, Jasmine and this guy right here. Have you tried eating the body of Christ already? Yes. Oh, he's eaten so many bodies. 100%. You know why I do it? Because I follow a strict keto diet.

Starting point is 00:33:04 He's high protein. I ate his body, but yeah, I eat the body of Christ, the blood of Christ. I drink the blood of Christ. What is the body? Is it bread? I've never been to one of those things. It's the Holy Eucharist.

Starting point is 00:33:15 It's a wafer that's been blessed by the priest and it is the body of Christ. It's a little wafer and it's only about five calories according to my fitness pal. So it will not break a fast. And then I have my, and then you drink the blood of Christ Yeah, which is wine which is just Sutter home wine from the liquor store. Yeah, it's so interesting. Wow Wow It's interesting that I've never been to a church like that. I want you to come to church

Starting point is 00:33:36 Will you come to our wedding at the church? Yeah, I mean I'm going to the wedding But I've never I know I've been to weddings in a church, but I've never been to like a Catholic church where they have the whole right you know the credit and stuff. I'm gonna call Jazz and see if you can come. Okay. See? Okay yeah I don't think so. Yeah I don't think so. Hold on let me see. She knows bullshit. Yeah yeah. Hold on let's see. She doesn't I think she literally looks at my call. Yeah. She knows that like when I'm on the road I'm very lonely and I need her and she looks at the call and hangs up. Yeah really? Yeah because I think you know what is? Because she's an old school woman. She thinks it's weak if I say I'm lonely and I'm depressed.

Starting point is 00:34:09 Why don't you snap the fuck out of it and try to sell out your shows? Yeah. Because we need that money and I need a new tip. Why haven't you, are you, is the acting thing not a thing you're gonna do? I've, you're very, I mean, let's get down to the business at hand. Let's get down to the business's hand and look at this guy. He is

Starting point is 00:34:30 He's gonna sell out Madison Square Garden. Let's be on allegedly. No, you're gonna Okay, keep keep keep watching for September, you know, and I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna try to do this So there'll be announcement coming soon. Yeah. Yeah you're Now a talk show guy. I mean you're on the talk show circuit. Yeah, you just did Kimmel, no? We did Kimmel and then I got, Edward Norton was on on YouTube,

Starting point is 00:34:53 he got 500,000 views. Anthony Mackie on the week before, he got 250,000 views. I was on 18,000 views. That's pretty good though, comparatively speaking. Yep. Go on, keep going. All right, and so, can you act is the question.

Starting point is 00:35:06 Yes, I can, I work at it. Yeah, yeah. I've went on, I've kept track. I've went on 103 auditions in 2016, and I've gotten one. Can we chat GBT a script for me and, Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I think we should do a three way, you know what I mean, a scene between us three. I'd do a three way, you know what I mean, a scene between us three.

Starting point is 00:35:26 I'd like to test your, you know what I mean, your chops here. I'm putting my product out there, Bobby, on a daily basis and the people are saying no. That's what's happening. Okay, can I say this too? It's happening. And I wanna say this.

Starting point is 00:35:37 I'm thankful and fortunate for what I do have, but the people are saying no. Hey, Guy. Relatively consistent. Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy, Let me tell you something, guys. There is a disconnect between this and that, between what we do in our ecosystem and Hollywood. Do you understand what I'm saying? If there still isn't, you know, I mean, a complete direct line is what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:36:03 They think that what we they don't understand what we do and we don't quite understand what they do But we want to do what they do and they want to do all why don't we do it together? You know me, but they won't let it you know me. That's why you're in that's what no I'm not you get a I've done some stuff I'm not fully in though. You're like in but you're there because you do their laundry Okay, are you did a more Asian analogy. Look at that, how, no. Yeah, Old West. Yes.

Starting point is 00:36:28 It's the Old West. Yeah. Oh, I know what it is. Yeah. In the, let's say you're a cowboy. Yes. Right? And I'm a Chinese laundromat guy in Deadwood.

Starting point is 00:36:36 Where you come in, you, hey man, hey Chang, you have made, wash these trousers. Okay, mister, okay, miss you, John. Right? And you go, deliver it to my house. Right? Okay, miss John. Okay, Mr. Okay, Mr. John. Right? And you go, deliver it to my house. Right? Okay, Mr. John.

Starting point is 00:36:48 Right? And I get through the laundry and I go in and you invite me in for a second. Right. Come on in here, Chang. And I go in, that's the only time you're allowed in that. Right. Is that a good analogy?

Starting point is 00:36:59 That's a good analogy. And then you come in and we tie up your feet. Because we like. Oh, yeah, what else? What else? What else happens? The tie up, we like to tie up. What else? What else happens? The tie up, we like to tie up the Asian feet. Down the stairs in the basement?

Starting point is 00:37:09 Yeah, yeah. And I go, what's going on here, Mr. John? I wash the trouser. It's on the house, please don't do this to me. And then what do you say? Then I tie it on and I say, I'm gonna tie up your feet. Why are you doing this to me? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:21 What? Mr. John, Mr. John, why are you doing this to me Mr. John? I'm going to put a little soy sauce on your feet. Why? I'm not tumbling. Yeah, yeah, you are. I'm not tumbling Mr. John. You don't believe in Jesus. I don't. I'm Buddhist.

Starting point is 00:37:38 I'm Buddhist Mr. John. I'm going to eat your feet. Please don't. I see, I see. Yeah. And then the next time you go to the fucking place, I'm just like I don't know, please don't! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ A small dusty laundry shop in a typical old west town. Clothes are hanging on a line outside. Oh, oh, oh. And there's the faint sound of a creek in the background. Inside the smell of soap and steam from boiling water fills the air.

Starting point is 00:38:11 The three men, Jed, Billy, and Cole, stand by a counter, leaning on it with various laundry items in hand. All right, so what am I playing? So you'll be, uh. Just throw it out. You'll, I guess you're. He's Jed.

Starting point is 00:38:23 I'll be Jed. You're Jed, and I'm Billy. You're Billy? Yeah. And you you're. He's Jed. I'll be Jed. You're Jed and I'm Billy. You're Billy? Yeah. And you're Cole. Okay. Man. We have to do an accent?

Starting point is 00:38:31 No, it's whatever. Your choice, dude, you're the actor. Man, I've never thought I'd be standing in a place like this. We went out again for my laundry to get done. Ain't no cowboy got time for laundry. You ain't wrong, Jed. But I reckon it's better than wearing these stinkers

Starting point is 00:38:52 another day. I ain't been washed clean in the month. My old lady woulda had a fit if she saw me like this. You boys are lucky. You boys are lucky. I don't have anyone to complain about me looking like a tumbleweed. My boots smell worse than a rattler's dance. I ain't bothering with no laundry. Ah, you got a good point, Cole.

Starting point is 00:39:23 Ain't much to do when you're out alone all the time. I reckon you can smell as bad as you please out there in the wild. But come in town and folks start looking at you like you're been rolling in cow dung. I reckon it's the dust. It gets in your pores. Makes you smell like you've been sleeping

Starting point is 00:39:46 in the middle of a sandstorm like Fahim. I mean, I can't even tell if my shirt's dirtier from sweat or from just sitting in the sun all day. You okay, Cole? You coughing, Cole? I say it's a little bit of, you boys ain't much different, but this laundry place, hell,

Starting point is 00:40:12 it's like little slice of civilization. Clean sheets, hot water, and the smell of lavender. You sound like a lady, Cole, lavender. What happened to riding a heart and living free? Living free don't mean you gotta stand like a horse backside, but I do like me some clean socks and underwear, ain't too proud to admit it. You know, we might ought to be careful what we say.

Starting point is 00:40:44 The way this laundry lady looks at us, I wouldn't put it past her to be listening in in our conversation. You seen her eyes? They got like that look, like she knows everything. Even things you ain't said out loud. Oh yeah, I swear every time I come in here, it feels like she gonna read my soul. I am sure she matters the full laundry so perfectly

Starting point is 00:41:12 Like she's working magic That ain't magic that skill You don't survive out here without doing no one had to take care of business Maybe she's been in these fires longer than we think Her vibe out here was on knowing how to take care of business. Maybe she's been in these bars longer than we think. See, that's what I like about the West. Everyone's got a story they ain't telling, but they all know how to make things work. I feel like we're, that's the truth.

Starting point is 00:41:44 Well, fellas, I reckon it's time to get our shirts back before she starts making us fold them ourselves. Don't, wait, wait, wait, don't want no part of the kind work. Let's get him before she puts the spell on us boys. We may be clear. All right, let's go. Yeah, we got this from the Theo on in the Spade movie. That's it, that's where it comes from.

Starting point is 00:42:07 That's a funny callback, I like that. It feels very good commitment. Very great. You grasp onto the Southern accent, that was really good. I followed you guys. You followed, yeah, and Guy Chris, you can act, God damn it. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:42:20 Yeah, and one day. This shirt's designed to be inside out, by the way. I never questioned it No, because I just want I know the fans might start talking shit It's designed this way. Yeah, so just FYI And you know what I appreciated about it is that you haven't done one Asian accent since you've been on the show No, yeah, because why what why because I when you do it because I get some heat on online I got some heat on and, and like I said before,

Starting point is 00:42:45 I said this a couple of episodes I came on here and I apologized because I got yelled at for some Asian accents I was doing and I made a genuine, deep-hearted apology. Yeah. And I ended it with, I'm a zodi. Yeah, I know, I know. And then people got mad at me.

Starting point is 00:42:59 At that too. And then people got mad. And they're gonna be mad at that, you think? They're gonna be mad at that. Yeah, yeah. And then, so I just wanna say, look into the camera this time and mean, I really am actually sorry for saying that.

Starting point is 00:43:10 Yeah, but here you're- And I'm sorry. It hurts me. But we're, you know, I make fun of you. I have a... I have a... I make fun of you. I have a...

Starting point is 00:43:19 I have a... I have a... I have a... I have a... I have a... I have a... I have a... I have a... I have a... I have a... I have a... I know it's attention I know when white people when you have this you Yeah, you gotta stretch it out farther cuz it relieves the brain

Starting point is 00:43:33 Temple, you know it helps. Yeah, yeah, it's sometimes when I have it to my therapist said to do this Yeah, yeah attention. You pull it back and you go like this And that releases the pressure. Yeah, yeah. That's, yeah, I do that too. I'm at home. I do it too, and it feels so good. Your headache goes away. White people, I'm telling you, no matter where you are,

Starting point is 00:43:58 you know what I mean? Sometimes, sometimes. Yeah, when you're in Taekwondo class, or wherever you might be at your local Chinese restaurant, if you have a headache Last week my daughter was asking me for help with a math homework, and I said honey. I don't know the answer. came to me. And then I just said, dude, where does that go? Yeah. Now, let me ask you, you're Asian, right Jules?

Starting point is 00:44:31 Well, you see white people behave like that. How do you feel? Well, if I don't know them, then it's not what I think. There we go. That's what we're talking about here. But I was- It's about, we know each other. I make fun of white people's penises.

Starting point is 00:44:46 I make fun of their dumbness, some of their cultural misgivings. And I think if I know somebody, I feel like anything's at play here. I've made a decision in my life, and it's freed me from a lot of stuff online, is I don't care about anyone's opinion, good or bad, unless I personally know you, or I've met you.

Starting point is 00:45:04 Like if you told me, Chris, what you said hurt me, I would genuinely apologize to you. But a random fan online, if they tell me I'm doing great or doing bad, I don't let it affect me either way. Only people that I personally know and I've met in the physical space. Because my brains are not equipped.

Starting point is 00:45:19 I can't process praise or hate from Nebraska. I can't process it. Well, we have a friend in mute, but I don't wanna praise or hate from Nebraska. Yeah. I can't process it. Well, we have a friend in mute, but I don't wanna say his name, but we have a friend that was working through that. He called me a couple of months ago paranoid about a bunch of stuff online he was reading.

Starting point is 00:45:36 You're super depressed. Right. And I told this person, I said, don't read it. Yeah. You just don't read it. Yeah. I don't read anything. No. Yeah. No. People go, oh, we're Reddit, this and that. I don't even know, I've never been read it. You just don't read it. I don't read anything. No.

Starting point is 00:45:45 Yeah. People go, oh, we're Reddit, this and that. I don't even know, I've never been on it. I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. And that's how you have to live. Because if I did read it, I think it would affect me. And you know what?

Starting point is 00:45:56 And you know what? Now our friend, our mutual friend who talked about it. I wouldn't say his name so bad. When we talked to him about it. I wouldn't say his name. You say his name and then put it at patreon.com so I should be bad friends. No, we said, he his name and then put it at patreon.com, so you can ask bad friends. No, we said, he said, and this is very accurate of him,

Starting point is 00:46:09 he said all that looking online for the comments, all that comparison stuff, it's a form of self-hate. You hate yourself, and so you're looking for it to be justified by the comments. You wanna say, oh, Chris sucks. You're looking for it because you think you suck, but if you're positive, you come from a positive place, you don't go looking for it. So I think you, at say, oh, Chris sucks. You're looking for it because you think you suck. But if you're positive, you come from a positive place, you don't go looking for it.

Starting point is 00:46:26 So I think you, at times, Bobby, you know, I need therapy, you need this, you need that, but you're much more positive place than you think. No, I think I am. I think that. I think I am. I've been doing things that, let's be serious for a second, I were doing a lot of like, you know, this,

Starting point is 00:46:39 and a lot of crazy sand stuff, you know what I mean? All that stuff. But what I want to say is that, there's another thing that I do is I was at the Chicago improv and I was at the Schomburg Improv, I was in the green room and a waitress came. Every green room, the club waitress, they take care of you. That's the head waitress. The head waitress. She's like, I'm going to be your waitress all weekend, whenever you need, just let me

Starting point is 00:47:03 know. What's the tips? And so she goes, this is so-and-so she's interning. And she seemed shy but also she kind of looked me weird. She was like she kind of looked at me like this. And when they left I turned to the comics in the room and go oh yeah she doesn't like me. They go and they and they go what? Yeah I go I can tell. And then.

Starting point is 00:47:22 You think it's because but do you think it's because were you making it up or do you think it's because you pulled your dick out? No I didn't. That wasn't when I did tell. Do you think it's because, but do you think it's because were you making it up or do you think it's because you pulled your dick out? No, I didn't. That wasn't when I did that. Yeah, I would never do that. Okay. Alright. I would never do that. I have a respect for her too much. And that would be good. And by the way, I just want to make it clear, even if it looks like I did

Starting point is 00:47:42 on camera before, I didn't pull out any of my penis. I know you did. It was my thigh. Exactly any of my penis. I, I, I. I know you did. I know. It was my thigh. Exactly, exactly. It was your thigh. I know, exactly.

Starting point is 00:47:50 All right, so let's get that out and clear. Yeah. But then two days later, she came up to me, she goes, hey, I just want, you know, I'm just like, I have a bad friend's t-shirt. I'm a huge fan. Oh. So in my mind, I was like, oh,

Starting point is 00:47:59 I make assumptions about people that aren't true. And it's because I have, I know growing up, I didn't have to read my parents. My parents were snapper heads. Is that like a slur? Damn snapper heads. They were taking up all, no. For Koreans from San Diego. No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:48:18 They were physically violent. Towards you. Yeah, yeah. And they would just, you know, and so every day was reading the situation and to protect myself. Right. Right. To like, for danger.

Starting point is 00:48:32 And I do that out in the wild, you know what I mean? And I'm tired of doing it because it's like, it's usually not true. You know what I mean? And I feel comfortable with when they don't like me. And when people like me, I feel uncomfortable with, I want to change that narrative as well. Here's the good thing to know,

Starting point is 00:48:47 is that most people don't care at all. They don't care, that's the thing. They don't think about it. You know what it is, what they assume. You know what it is, you make an asset of you and me. You know that. I know that. That's a really good, I like those little, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:00 I like those little, here's another one. Here's another one. Here's another one. Here's another parable, and this one's for you, Don. Their wives are foolish and their children wicked. Accursed their brood. But the children of adulterers. Don, how come you never sit down?

Starting point is 00:49:13 Come sit down. Come sit down. Will remain an issue. You never come in. The progeny of an unlawful bed will disappear. For should they attain long life, they will be held to no esteem. Should they die abruptly,

Starting point is 00:49:23 they will have no hope nor comfort in the daily of scrutiny For dire is the end of the wicked generation Yeah, don't you listen that was for you? Oh? Yeah, oh yeah, that was really good what are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, there was a little advice I was telling him yesterday. Mm-hmm No, no, no, then why'd you just do that? Cuz I was practicing. Oh, yeah, you're practicing. Yeah,, you were practicing. That was very good though. Very good learner. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:46 Yeah, yeah. Um, Chris. Yes. Yes. I'll just tell you. Tell him. I can tell him. Tell him.

Starting point is 00:49:54 But yeah, it has nothing to do with it. Yeah, yeah. I was just saying yeah, yeah, yeah. So what I'm saying is that, you know, when you're in a relationship, right, and I was telling a bunch of comics that's in the room, right, and you want to get out of the relationship I can never end it right all right

Starting point is 00:50:09 Because what you do is you have to find a window to get out right right so you can force a window to open Right by doing some of my techniques you can force a window to be open Yeah, yeah the problem is for me with that where I have I don't have my house isn't the best right now And I have airitioners in the window I don't have central air. It's an analogy. Okay, but I Could hurt somebody yeah, I don't want to do that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it was just an analogy or door to whatever Yeah, yeah, okay an opportunity an opportunity. Yeah, okay, and that's you have to get out right? Okay So what it is when you do the little techniques,

Starting point is 00:50:45 and one of the techniques I was telling people was you want her to break up with you. The coward way. That's the coward's way, right? The coward way. So you do subtle things, and one of my techniques is you forget their name for a split second every time, and you use a snap, right?

Starting point is 00:51:02 So you go, hey, Kathy, right? Hey, what are we gonna eat tonight Cathy right you do that smart 30 times It seeps into their subconscious, and they don't know what's bothering them They don't know what that's bothering them right yeah, and they it that's where the windows will open another one I have a several of, very smart, right? That's actually very smart. Tell him another one. Another one, which one? I think I've told people this one before on this podcast before.

Starting point is 00:51:32 Let's hear it though, I haven't heard it. Okay, you haven't heard it, right. Remember this, sometimes you can say things that you've said on a podcast before, previously, because guess what, as Marcus Aurelius said, you never step in the same river twice. Because the river's always flowing, it's always new water, so when you step in it's a different light,

Starting point is 00:51:47 a different experience. Oh, so you can say the same thing. In a motion, yes. This is a different river. You never step in the same river twice. Oh! The, the, the. Yeah, yeah, so all you have to do this is five times.

Starting point is 00:51:57 Okay? So those snapping 30 times, this five times, okay? When you orgasm, you don't make a noise, you look directly into their eyes. You have to be looking at you, right? And you orgasm with your face. It's hard for me to, I'm never looking in when I come. I know, but this is what you need to do.

Starting point is 00:52:15 I'm always facing this way. I know. In order for you to do this exercise, you have to be doing missionary. So I have to have a mirror in front of me. This is what you do, right? You look in their eyes and you go, you go like this, you go.

Starting point is 00:52:29 Like that, right? If you do that five times, subconsciously, right? They will break up with you. Really? Yeah. Yeah, it's terrifying. Terrifying. Third thing. Yeah, third thing. Yeah, third thing, right?

Starting point is 00:52:40 Let's do the thing. This is a basic one. No, this is good. You gave them the same present twice. That's huge. It's a good one. That's a good one, right because they usually go they always say I don't it's just the thought that counts You know me like I don't care right? All right. Here's two oven mitts bitch Yeah, yeah right handed a left one for the Christmas one You know what I mean? Yeah. Right handed a left one for Christmas.

Starting point is 00:53:04 One for Christmas, another Christmas. That's smart. Right? Very smart. Those little tints dude, the window will open my friend. You know what, that's funny. You can say that because I had a friend, he was dating a girl for five years, the two of them were going to get engaged and then on her birthday one year he gave her a card

Starting point is 00:53:19 with a hundred dollar bill in it. That's the gift. Great. She broke up with him. That's great. Brilliant. She broke up with him. That's great. Brilliant. She broke up with him because she wanted an engagement and you gave her a hundred bucks cash.

Starting point is 00:53:28 Yeah. I did this once and she didn't break up with me. Sarah Hyland. She can even defend, she can even back it up. The actress, Sarah Hyland? No, there's a different Sarah Hyland. Oh. All right.

Starting point is 00:53:38 The comedian Sarah Hyland. Right? So Sarah, we were dating for a couple years. The first year she gave me a vintage painting from a store, like a vintage, she liked going shopping at like, antique stores and vintage, you know. And then I gave it to her. The next year.

Starting point is 00:53:57 You regifted it. I regifted it to her. Smart. Forgetting that she gave it to me. Right. And it was super embarrassing, but she still didn't break up with me. Right, but she really loved you.

Starting point is 00:54:05 Yeah, she really did love me. What about getting back with her? What about, what's called her? She's married now to my friend Jen. Oh, she's a lesbo. She's bi-sexual and she's a very funny comic and I love her and she's family to me. But you know, I think if you're gonna be a bisexual woman,

Starting point is 00:54:18 you're a very good guy. She's a bi-sexual. Well, it's, it was. Because you're neutral. You know what I mean? I've had a couple situations where lesbians have gone, dated me for a couple years. Yes.

Starting point is 00:54:31 But then everyone around them had been women. So I've never really questioned that about myself. You know what I mean? What do you think about that? Because it is, because you're very interesting. Don, what do you think of that? Well you've got, you have soft skin. And I think that that, it's like a, it's smooth.

Starting point is 00:54:43 So it's an easy transition. I can look at you from across the room and go, yeah. I've seen you look at me like that from across the room. Well, yeah, I can see it. I go, yeah. Interesting. His skin is, it's made of seaweed. Let's come up with another one of these window

Starting point is 00:55:00 opportunities together so I can write a book. What you've done is, yeah, yeah. Well, you have really, really good ones so far. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The best one was the- Snapping? Snapping, forgetting the name. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:14 It's gotta be a split second though, everyone knows that. It's a really good point. If you live too much of a thing, then it's noticeable. Right. And that's why I think the snapping is very important. You know what's another good one too? Yeah, yeah, yeah, let me write it down. You could come home, you could,

Starting point is 00:55:24 every time she comes home from work and is happy to see you, you're just laid out on the couch drinking a beer. Like you're depressed, and then when your friends come over, you jump up, you can't wait to go out with them, you kind of subconsciously tell her, I'm having fun with my friends and when I'm with you I'm miserable. Right. And she starts to say, do I make you miserable? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:41 That's what you do. You can tell her you're going to call her, like I'm going to call you in 30 minutes, then you don't call. Oh, those are good, those are good you do you can you can tell her you're gonna call her like I'm gonna call you in 30 minutes And then oh those are good. Those are good two hours never call her. Yeah, never call her Yeah, yeah, but those are um, I mean you tell you're gonna pick her up from the airport never show up I'll tell you why those don't work cuz what my things are subtle right? These will cause arguments right then and there. I don't want that either. You know what I mean? I don't wanna like, hey, I texted you,

Starting point is 00:56:09 you didn't text me, you know what I mean? I want them not to know what's going on. Almost like, there's something weird, but I don't know what it is. You know what I mean? It's gotta be one of those. Every time she texts you, I love you, you could just heart it and not say it back.

Starting point is 00:56:20 Ditto, yeah, maybe that. Ditto, thumbs up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on, wait. Oh, yeah, right. Just for, wait. Oh yeah, right. Just for Andrew. What if you brought home takeout food, but only for yourself?

Starting point is 00:56:30 Ooh, that's good. That's a good one. That's a really good one. That's a good one. Yeah, yeah. What if, what if you only kissed her on her forehead, like a child? Like you never kissed her on her forehead like a child? What do you mean? Like you never kissed her on the lips. She wanted to make out and you're just saying,

Starting point is 00:56:50 have a good day and you kiss her on her head, top it like a, or you pat her on her head like a little bit. That's a good one. Every time you pat her. That's good. Treat her like a dwarf. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:59 That's good. I like that, treat her like a dwarf. Or every time you guys were driving somewhere, she would drive and you'd sit in the back seat. Oh yeah, like an Uber. Like an Uber. The Uber, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the Uber method.

Starting point is 00:57:09 Make a relationship where it's not intimate at all. Yeah, like a driving Miss Daisy kind of a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. What about this? When you're walking somewhere with her, you always walk a little bit in front of her. That's a good one.

Starting point is 00:57:19 But I've had fights like that before. Right. Where they go, how come you always walk ahead of me? Right. Right. Yeah, or like, you always walk ahead of me right right? Yeah, or like you know or have you had this happened? You're walking with your girl right on a beach wherever boardwalk Let's say whatever right and a mall right sure and you're just walking forward and a hot chick just walks in front of you And then you're like and they're like I saw that oh

Starting point is 00:57:42 Why because I have eyeballs Because I have eyeballs looking that way. You know what I mean? It's crazy. It's crazy talk. Have you had that? You want me to walk like this, bitch? Come on. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:02 I hate it. It's so dumb. It's like, you haven't checked it with me. You're not my parole officer. I'm not a criminal I haven't done shit, bitch All right, give the guard a kid the guard Sorry, you know, yeah, sorry. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, it's's true though. What you're saying we all agree with, it's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like all these things. Now when I say these things,

Starting point is 00:58:29 I don't wanna be in a relationship. Why? Oh, you told me another one. I did? Last time, what was it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you don't. Oh, but that's different.

Starting point is 00:58:42 That's different. Here's my theory. OK. And I'm not a scientist, as you know. As you know, right. And I'm not a dog. You only look like one. OK.

Starting point is 00:58:57 What the fuck was that? I'm emotional today. You are? I'm tired. I'm on the edge. I'm going to I'm on the edge. Right? I'm gonna express myself, please. I believe That sperm

Starting point is 00:59:11 Is liquid love Yeah, hear me out. Okay When I'm jacked up with it, I love my girlfriend Right when it I release I like my girlfriend Right when it I release I like my girlfriend Okay, okay, right so in order for me to stay in love You don't come and that's what I was telling you last night You never come what about this? Here's a third theory. Am I not? No, it means you don't really like them

Starting point is 00:59:45 No, even I I was in love with Kalyla. And even when I orgasm, it's not like it's not like I hate I love them still. But it's like it's still less. Yeah. A little less is what I'm saying. Sure. We not a bit or am I in the shadows here? No, I get it. But because you yeah, because maybe you were lost. Maybe it was lost. And there was the lust juice.

Starting point is 01:00:02 Oh, so what you're telling me, DeStefano, is this liquid lust. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's liquid lust. Liquid Oh, so what you're telling me this Stefano is this liquid lust Yeah, yeah, oh, it's liquid loss liquid loss. So what you're telling me is this and maybe I'm wrong then Okay, that every time you orgasm with your you feel the same exact way What do you mean? You don't feel empty? Like empty like towards her not just a tortor but it's like, you know, you don't really want to cuddle as hard or whatever You know I mean hmm That's a youp you don't really want to cuddle as hard or whatever you know I mean hmm That's a youp, bro. I'm alone on an island. Yeah, you're not on the boat. I it depends on the person

Starting point is 01:00:41 No, oh my god depends on the person. You're all liars, dude. Everyone in this blasphemy. Blasphemy. Yeah, yeah. Give me the book. Sorry. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ, please, dear Lord.

Starting point is 01:00:52 Forgive these sinners. I mean, they do not know what they say or mean. They only do for public eye. Here you go. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. It's insane. Alright, let's go back. Then forget it.

Starting point is 01:01:03 So I try to edge. That, yeah. It's insane. All right, let's go back then, forget it. So I try to edge, that's all. I agree. I just edge, you know. That's it, it's great. It's the best way to do it. It's just, yeah, every time I've had, the last five times I've had sex with my girl, I've come, but she's just continued watching Landman

Starting point is 01:01:19 on Paramount Plus. Really? Yeah. Is it a good show? Yeah, yeah. Landman. Every time I come, I hold Billy Bob Thornton in the background. Yeah, it good show? Yeah. Landman. Every time I come,

Starting point is 01:01:26 I hold Billy Bob Thornton in the background. Yeah. It's called Landman. It's Landman is one of the best TV shows I've seen ever in my life. So the character Billy Bob Thornton plays is fantastic. It's a very male show. It's on Paramount and it's a TV show or movie? Girls will like it. TV show. No, girl. You know girls will like it.

Starting point is 01:01:43 Ali Lard is in it. Ali Lard is beautiful. Yes. Yeah. It's a good show or movie? Girls will like it. TV show. No, girls will like it. Ali Lard is in it. Ali Lard is beautiful. Yes. It's a good show. The last, Landman, anything Tyler, Taylor Sheridan, Taylor Sheridan has put out, Landman. Yeah. The other one.

Starting point is 01:01:56 Lioness. Lioness was fantastic. Yellowstone, this guy's unreal. Oh, Yellowstone I saw. Yellowstone's good. 1883, 1923. You should be, you could be an 1883 What could I play in 1883?

Starting point is 01:02:08 What could I play the laundromat? No the railroad you build a railroad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've already said this before You know, I mean we're in different river, right? We're in the same same Whatever the analogy never step in the same river twice ever twice. Yeah. Yeah success is not final failure It's not fatal, but I always said in the old west. I'd be opium The opium opium opium them. I'd be an opium dealer. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I would just get straight from China you That's who you do yeah And I feel like you're the guy that if you know you would get me I would go in and shake your hand and next You know you got me in a finger trap

Starting point is 01:02:43 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no can't. Right, but are two fingers things? No, no, you just snitch it on me.

Starting point is 01:03:07 And your two fingers are in a trap? Yeah, but you got my hands in a trap and then you start hitting me with sticks. Dude, I mean. What does opium feel like? It must feel amazing. It's heroin, right? Oh, that's what it is, right?

Starting point is 01:03:17 It's heroin. You know heroin is not actually bad for you. It's the things that happen every day. Really? It's vitamin D, I heard. Actual heroin. Hold on. Yeah. No, RFK, our. Actual heroin. Hold on.

Starting point is 01:03:25 No, RFK, our new chancellor of health. He was just confirmed today. No, if you look, Google, heroin itself, that's not the bad thing. You know what's crazy? He's the chancellor of health and he's been inside my house. Yes. Isn't that weird to think about? Isn't that wild?

Starting point is 01:03:40 Yeah, it's so wild that he's been. That like somebody- You've met Trump? Huh? Have you met Trump? When I was a little kid never okay. Never was like the biggest politician you met Love him voted twice Eric Adams the mayor of New York Eric. Oh, really? Oh, he did history hyenas. Oh you did he did in 2020 Now he's gonna go to prison. Who's the most famous guy you met?

Starting point is 01:04:01 Politicians in general rich new kinkingrich. Newt Gingrich. Speaker of the House. Who's the biggest famous person you've met? Probably Colin Farrow. How'd you meet him? I worked with him. Do what? Show.

Starting point is 01:04:12 On double? TV show. No. Wow, thank you. You were an actor? On it? Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:20 And you played across from him? Yeah. Was he nice? He beat me up. Was he nice? He was the nicest man. Yeah, he seemed so nice. He's the fucking great. Dude, he's quite out-tellin'. Yeah, I remember we were watching a show called Sugar on Apple TV and I was having sex with my girl a couple of months ago and I'm coming and she goes, there's Don. Really? And you get to see you on Sugar?

Starting point is 01:04:34 Yeah. You had lines and everything? I was in four episodes, yeah. Why don't you shut your fucking mouth, Bob? I told you last night though, what'd I say last night to you? You're a- A like me. No, but also as an actor you

Starting point is 01:04:46 have such a distinct look. Thanks man. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if that was a compliment, but yeah. You're so handsome. What? Do you think he's more... Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's way better looking than him. Yeah, good voice too. And voice. So he doesn't look like a Greek god though? You said I look like a Greek god from the side.

Starting point is 01:05:02 Well maybe he's just a superior being than you Superior being how do you right here? Yeah, I'm more Aryan looking Is that good? Yeah, okay in today's America. Yeah You're like an Italian baker to me back in the day. He does. Yeah. Yeah, he does look like you're Mexican What are you Italian? Okay? Yeah, exactly. Yeah from the south. I'm maybe rare Sidney Sweeney, is that the most famous person now? Sydney Sweeney is famous. Oh, right, right.

Starting point is 01:05:26 You did a movie with her too? Yeah, just now. Wow, congratulations. Thanks man. But you do stand-up too, still? Debatable, yeah. Have you seen him? He's coming with me, he's coming with me to San Francisco.

Starting point is 01:05:35 Oh, you do it? Come feature? Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. I do two-man shows, Don Goes Up does 20, I do an hour, we'll see you the fuck later. Wow. You have fun?

Starting point is 01:05:44 I do, have a good time. you the fuck later Wow You're fine Yeah, Oh for him called I'll call him back let's call him back. Yeah, thank you. Okay stay here done I have to tell him he's on fun. Yeah, so? So I'm with this Zafano, you're on Bad Friends. Oh, what's up? Are you shooting that right now? Yeah, we're on air. I wanted to warn you. Okay. What'd you say? Don't get sand crazy.

Starting point is 01:06:18 I'm in Laurel Canyon. Don't get sand crazy. I know how you get. Anyway, what'd you call me last night late at night for? Just the trade notes It wasn't about it wasn't about Bobby rubbing his head on your girlfriend's head Sidehog we did a side hug photo, and I bumped my head against that. She's a wonderful girl by the way. She's beautiful.

Starting point is 01:06:47 She's beautiful. We were complimenting how beautiful she was. I touched heads with her and I came a little bit. Is that wrong or? Sure, no. I mean, it's biological. It's biological. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:56 Thank you. So that's what you wanted to call me about. Yeah, he came, Bobby, he noticed when he got home, he had a little bit of cum on his crocs. Yeah, yeah. It happens. Yeah. Are you with her right now? I have a. Yeah. Are you with her right now?

Starting point is 01:07:05 We'll have a good talk. Are you with her right now? I'm just driving to the store. I'm doing my show in the Belly. Well, have a good show, bud. All right? Thanks, dude. All right, bye-bye!

Starting point is 01:07:14 Bye! Anyway, that was Fahim Anwar. Should I try Jasmine one more time to see if you can come to the wedding? Yeah, yeah. And then this is it. Okay, sorry. Let me see, she doesn't pick up my calls.

Starting point is 01:07:24 I think she might have somebody else. You're not going tonight, right? Whoa. You heard that? That was an immediate go fuck yourself. Now I'm calling back. She hung up on me, right? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:36 That was obvious. It's probably just like, she's not disturbed. Where's Andrew tonight? See you in New York? Boston. Boston. Wilbur Hi, I just want to tell you that you're on our bad friends right now with Bobby Lee Okay, you're on the podcast

Starting point is 01:07:59 With but okay Okay Don't hang out right now, we're done hang up you heard I said tell him I love him did you know who I am What do you think he's what is Bobby Lee from other than bad friends, where have you seen him Where haven't I seen him very good answer? Give one just give one all you have to do do is get one here I don't know honey Where do you think you've seen him? Take a guess anything anything that comes to mind

Starting point is 01:08:34 sweetheart, I don't know Asking you to take wedding the wedding the wedding. Yes the wedding. One guess Where I see I saw him at the hilarious party. Right, and what's he, did he make you uncomfortable at all? No. Okay, because he has a thing where he likes to rub his head on other people's girlfriends' heads. That doesn't make me uncomfortable at all.

Starting point is 01:08:57 Really? Okay, let me ask you a question now. Is Bob, we've said we want to keep things very, very small and intimate, close friends and family, only for the wedding. And I want you to be honest, I know that you're on the show, but I want you to be genuinely honest.

Starting point is 01:09:09 Is Bobby Lee invited to the wedding? With a plus one. No, I'm sorry. Okay. He's not, are you being genuine Jasmine? He cannot come to the wedding? Yeah, no, I'm sorry. Okay, okay.

Starting point is 01:09:23 Okay, good night. Good night, so Bobby's not invited. I am not invited. Well, let me introduce you real quick, real quick. And then I'll let you go. Hold on, sorry. Okay, okay. Okay, good night. Good night, so Bobby's not invited. Well, let me ask you guys real quick, real quick, and then I'll let you go. Hold on, Jazz, is Andrew Santino invited? I gotta think about it. Oh! That's amazing.

Starting point is 01:09:38 I love you, I love you. Bobby walked off, all right, I love you, bye. They're all invited. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no too. Bobby walked off. All right, I love you, bye. Aw, they're all invited. No, no, no. No, no, no. He said no. All right, bye, bye, bye, bye. Bye.

Starting point is 01:09:51 Bye. Okay. Oh my God. All right, go. But before we go, I have to say something. I have to rebuttal. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:59 Um, I will not go. I will not go. Yeah, you're not invited. Yeah, yeah, I'm not invited. I will not go, even if I was. I'm not invited. I will not go. Even if I was. I'm not going. You know, the next time I see her, right?

Starting point is 01:10:10 It'll be a little different. Yeah. Yeah, it'll be a little different. I could have believed the attitude. It'll be political, but not as sweet. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be less.

Starting point is 01:10:20 It'd be less. Yeah, yeah, not more. You're not going to touch her head. Won't be anywhere near her. Yeah, yeah. From afar I'll go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The next Hularity. It's messed up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:30 So, yeah, keep her away. Yeah. Yeah, and anything to promote down your website or anything? Yeah. Yeah. Mustache Scott.com, I don't know. Okay, good, you're good. You?

Starting point is 01:10:43 Hulu Special out February 21st. Bobby's gonna do a Hulu special too. Mine's called It's Just Unfortunate. It's Just Unfortunate. And then go to ChristieComedy.com. We got a lot of standup dates. Oh, and Patreon.com slash History Ienis. My history show is back.

Starting point is 01:10:56 And also Jesus. Jesus Christ. Remember to keep him in your heart. Remember that an error is not a mistake until you refuse to correct it. Exactly. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Starting point is 01:11:26 Yeah!

Bad Friends - Bobby's Break Up Tips

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