Bad Friends - Bobby's Sober Birthday

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

Thank you to our Sponsors: https://babbel.com/BADFRIENDS & https://betterhelp.com/badfriends  & https://butcherbox.com/badfriends code: BADFRIENDS & https://vroom.com YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Bobby is Home Alone 9:27 Celebrating a Year of Sobriety with Some Special Guests 18:36 The Returned of Rudy 28:15 Feeling Lost Without the Girls 32:43 Fancy's Students Bring Gifts to Bobby  43:23 Sitcom Gays and Megabeds 48:06 What's Next for Rudy 51:15 Martin Scorsese, Jealousy and Andrew is a Movie Star 59:10 Cooking Lessons with Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Fancy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? So I woke up and there's cat vomit all you know, I haven't lived alone in so long So I don't how to function like I don't have clean things. Yeah Are you doing that again? And because you know, you're one of my best friends You are using hard. Yeah. Yeah, and I just feel like 51 years old. I understand that 51 I called you seven times today I'm trying to or I'm leaving from two months, and I've called you seven times and you can't pick up So what I'm saying is that you know, I'm going through a hard time. I don't do movie. That's what it is

I don't do movies. So you're I don't get invited. You just so you're bragging You just did the movie with Jamie Lee Curtis and all those people nine years ago. It's not gonna come out. It shouldn't I know it shouldn't but let me say this. Yeah Can I just express how I feel nah, you know, I'm leaving and you didn't answer the phone before 3 p.m Okay, okay, and you know, I'm trying to coordinate stuff. So all day coordinate and I know you're not coordinate I was trying to coordinate and I know you're not sleeping. I know you're on rye or some bullshit I'm a rye The band I know you're on rye. Oh rye. I know you're swiping when you see my call and you flick me away

Cuz you're trying to get put na any and that's not okay. No getting on. Yes, you fucking do How many girls came to the store last night or to the improv couple you had a harem and where were you when I'm Asian? I need cocky boys We don't know you don't know we need cocky about where were you when the show was over gone and where was I in the room? Yeah, and they're all like, where's Bobby? Yeah, you're supposed to take care of my concubines. I don't want to fucking concubine Oh, you know, they're my concubines. I hear your concubines. You have red-headed compute white ones. I have white Can I just tell you what's going on with me? Yeah, please don't roll your eyes, dude Because I want to be your friend. I didn't roll my yeah, you went like that. All right. Ask me again

Can I tell you what's going on with me? Yeah? Okay, I Have a sore throat. No great and I cancel and I I'm losing my voice and I cancel my spots tonight Why are you losing your voice? Do you think you have COVID? No, swear to God. I was screaming yesterday. Why I perform At the at the improv and the college store. Did you like your spot at the improv? Yeah, did you? You're fucking terrible. Well, you know why because he brings he brought 35 students do when you bring your students It's always bad. It's nighttime USA. Bad. I mean, I'm not married at night. I'm not Nightmare USA not nighttime. It was nighttime. Do you guys think you're not funny for that age group? Dude?

Yeah, I just feel like I'm offensive this motherfucker. You cut your bullshit out right now. Yeah, we're not Seinfeld No, all right, and we're not carrot top. We don't do fucking props. Why'd you say carrot top? What does that have to do with why I put it you yeah, why why I'm sorry We're not Ken Jong and carrot top. Yeah, that's what I meant to say. Okay. We're different. We're different We have our own voices. We have our own way of doing it I guess it's something I'm by myself. Yeah, right. So I don't know how anything works Like I've never used the washer and dryer. You're right So I'm trying to figure out all the coat, you know the buttons like what does this deep hot one do it says right on it

I understand like home alone. Why are you fucking talking right? This guy is acting crazy Your students. Yeah, no powers up. He brings students here and he thinks he's a comedian to them All right, you know, they don't even know his name is fancy. Yeah, his name is fancy And can I say something students? He has no power here. None He's no power powerless Spanish turd. Yeah, I can make one phone call gun who by the way Yeah needs to button up his shirt scum bag. So gross so gross and can I say students? He never does that when you're not here. That's right. He's doing that because you're completely buttoned up to the top But with the students, it's out like fuck

And you know what sucks about your dad when you're that move you're not burnt Reynolds You're no hair there. You're not so it just looks like a little boy burnt Reynolds. You're burnt You're burnt Reynolds scumbag. You're like a burnt Colkin. Yeah, you're born You're one of the Colkins ones you are but you're young so a cat threw up. Oh, no, not just It's a trail of throat, huh, right? So I wake up my throat sore, right? Don't do that face, man I'm agreeing with you watch I'm just on your team. All right, your throat is sore my sore throat throat sore Yeah, and the cat cat vomit all I'm cleaning cleaning cleaning cleaning. Yeah, do I realize I eat you haven't eaten yet

Yeah, well, we're Mexican food. Hello. Why don't you look at me cuz you're Mexican Well, who's that is that Carlos? Yeah, what are you doing here? Come sit in the chair for a second so we can bring danger danger stranger stranger stranger danger danger. Yeah, yeah Let me ask you something legitimately. Yeah, did you offer the kids anything to eat like candy or anything? No, but there is candy out there. Where'd you get the candy? Are you growing out your hair? Of course, I am like a fucking molester, dude. No, he does. You know who likes his hair. What children loomie ray You have to bring up loomie ray, huh? Oh, I heard you brought her up on tiger belly and me I had to hear from Kalilah. Do you hang out with loomie ray? I have before. Yeah. Yeah, we talk good

She texted me today nice person. Yeah, all right. Yeah, oh this bad Something's going on here. What's going on? This is I could just feel some peace. There's no heat. No, you guys are good Yeah, me and loomie are just friends me and loomie are also just friends. Yeah. Yeah, any penetration Penetration I'm asking No, just energy penetration. Oh, I do you think you have more energy penetration? Are you trying to say that your energy penetration is more when it comes to fucking energy penetration? I'm fucking a Jedi number one. I'm not my why not by one energy penetration I can't beat him. I can fuck you right now with my energy do it

No, you know Well, I opened the butthole and the mouth you see that that's crazy Yeah, you see whoa both I do like this kimono that you rockin today. It's not come on. Oh, yeah, it is This is a kimono. What is it not? What is it? It's a baseball shirt. It's a jacket. It's not a jacket Yeah, you're a google picture of a jacket. We'll show you what a jacket. I'm just like teach you a jacket. That's jacket Yeah, all right now do kimono. Okay, do kimono. What's this? Yeah, come on. Oh, I wanted to see if you could spell it, right? Kimono, yeah, whoops looks exactly like what you got that looks nothing like Show me that and what you got on that one's more floral. Yeah, this is a more of a chef's jacket. Oh

Oh, that is a chef shirt, right? That is a chef shirt. Yes, chef. Yes, chef Everybody from today moving forward all day today. There it is. I want I want to let's refer to Bobby as yes chef all day today Okay. Yes, chef. Yes, chef. No, you don't say you're the fucking chef Why can't you be a chef? I'm not a chef. Oh, I'm a I'm a I'm the bus boy. You look like a baker. I'm a baker. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, baby. What is he? Huh? What is he the guy who collects all the the the oil that changes the oil vats at the end of the night? I don't know the Mexican at like the Mexican. I don't know. I didn't want to say it But you said it I guess if we had a restaurant, right? You're the baker. Yeah, I'm the chef. He's

Dishes a hundred verse. That's what I said the same thing. I know I tried to do that once they wouldn't let me in Beverly Hills I went to a steakhouse there because I have to work there first. Well, I just ask I wanted to work there I was like, can I wash dishes and they're like absolutely not absolutely not I wouldn't let you touch the dirt even the dirty dishes. I wouldn't let you touch That's what I was applying for to touch the dirty dishes and they said no. Yeah, can I tell you why looks no because that's a big one That is a very big one, but I was gonna say that that's mean. Oh, you can okay, right race. What my race, but wrong color Exactly, you're one of the light-skinned Mexicans and they want the dark skin. I know work harder No, there's no attitude. There's no like, you know, it's my I mean

Sister's can siniera, right? I gotta go. Yeah to get the day off like they would have the kids in yet at the restaurant That's how dedicated they are. We'll just have it here. Yeah working and having it at the have you had a concern yet I've been to a couple, but I've What about yours? I'm a male. What's a guy? We're version called. There's no can siniera for men. No, why what? We got to do that because there's a bot mitzvah and a bar mitzvah for Jewish kids, right? But for the boys, there is none. What does it say the quinceaños for a boy also follows the same traditional I didn't get that reasoning as a modern kids near So you present the child to God in front of their family and friends gross. We should do one now

Quinceaños. What's it called? Quinceaños. Quinceaños. Have you heard of that? No, I feel like that's not like a popular one It's more that what about kids? I think it's pretty fucking popular. You probably look at the photos 2.4 million results I think yeah, that's pretty good. I mean, I'm Mexican and I never heard of it Yeah, because that's why you're not the Washington. You also don't speak Spanish, so yeah, that's a big one. That's sad I want to say this. I want to say this. Go ahead. It is your sober birthday. So happy birthday. Oh Well, finally something. Oh my god Something, you know, that's that's something. Okay. Can I tell you something?

Do you know you didn't even wish me happy birthday on my fucking real birthday this year? It's not the same. Why? I Was born into the fucking world. Yeah, we all were and I wish you happy birthday on your fucking birthday Yeah, and I think I mean thank you, but I mean what? Yeah, exactly. He wants a gift like Gucci or something. No, no, no, he does No, we got you gift. No, that's not what I want gift number one. Come on in We got you gifts for your sober birthday. Here we go. Oh, okay. I've always wondered one Oh How many wait sit down

When you said you always wanted one what were you talking about a token a token what? A chip a token chip You weren't referring to a kind of person at all. Yeah, I love what you do Sam Sam. I love Sam when you said token Did you mean this is a lot of chips man? Yeah, thank you so much Why don't you look Sam in the face and say thank you Sam? I apologize say thank you Why would I'm sorry for what why are you apologizing to him? Oh Sam for all the years Just for history history. Yeah, that's what I meant. That's Bob

You don't know Bobby every day and in one of you part of the class. Yes, I am. Okay, cool. How old are you 20? Fuck yeah, man. He's one of us. He works on the inside. He's our intern. He's one of our you're part of our Minion well that can see whatever I want He's not a fucking I Stop it. Stop. He's an employee. He you know, he's not an employee. We're not paying him. He's an intern. So all right Yeah, he's working for free. Can I ask you some questions Sam? Sure good Listen so much. I mean, it's great. Can I tell you something? You know, you know, we're all on that pond right now and you can see that it Water is gonna come right through at any point. We're walking on

Oh, it's a cold pond it's a no, it's warm. It's getting warm The ice is frozen. Well, you can tell there's a couple of bubbles popping up at some moment We're gonna fall right through the ice. We're not you know that game when you hit the ice cubes out of the thing Yeah, we've hit way too many. There's almost none. What was that called? Break the ice break the ice. We're a stupid game Yeah, uh, it was sort of like ask salmon in the dark night when that was the punishment, right? Whether you get if the run across the ice. Yeah, and then people fell through Sam. Did you like the dark night? Dark Batman dark night. You don't know any Batman movie You've never okay

Oh, this is great. This is great. I love it. Educate Educate. Yeah. Yeah. Um, open your eyes. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. He's not Asian I can say he should be saying that Thank you. He was Asian. That would be weird. I was gonna say How you know i'm not Bro, here we go. No, no, no. That is true. Yeah. Is your last name woods? Are you tiger woods his brother? No, he might identify as black. Yeah. Are you complicated or whatever that is? Bleaching. I'm not though. You're not blazing complication

Yeah, how do you identify black? There we go. What told you? I'm a Caribbean. I knew it. I told you Caribbean is that we said yeah, all right families from the Caribbean. Yeah from Haiti. Love them. Love it Haitian close to French. Yeah. Yeah The only reason I picked up on any of that stuff is because I listened to white love John's the carnival for like 75 hours when I was a kid. Do you know what that is? Of course. Do you know what that is? I haven't listened to what you said. There's no idea Because I'm focused on him Can I ask some questions, please? So did you let me ask you is it because of the genre?

You don't like superhero genre movies. Well, I wasn't really a movie govards kid, but I can't adapt to it Oh, you can adapt to movie So when you're in a movie there, you have to change No, my parents ever took me to movies as a kid, but why is that they're just boring and strict. Okay. Sorry mom but No, because see if you can crack this trunk open. I can hear the eyes cracking beneath my feet. I feel it And I'm when I you know what I want to fall. You know what I'm doing. I want to die. I'm going. You know what? I'm gonna die dude. Walk out further. I want to go further. Walk out further. I want to go further. Go for it

Here we go. Here's Go for it, baby. It's gonna be so comfortable. Come on, Sam Okay, so ask him what you want to ask him what I want to ask you so, um, you weren't your your parents didn't take you to movies Well, so you didn't move Um grew up with movie culture, right? Not really. So what's the top three movies you've seen The top three movies I've seen like in my opinion or just your opinion. Yeah. Yeah. No critics opinion or whatever, you know I mean, um, let's do it. I gotta think can I do my most recent movies? Yeah Okay, I just saw the new Whitney movie love. I look, you know Whitney Houston the singer

No I know I got it. Can I have it? Listen? I'm all part of kind of earth I know who Whitney is. Okay. Died in a tub. All right. So Whitney. That's one of your favorite movie because it's recently You saw it. What else? What else? Say my recent. Yeah, go ahead. It could be favorite. Um, what did I watch? I don't I'm trying to remember putting him on the spot. I watch black panther. I feel like everyone's watched that Well, no, not all of us. Who's not all of us The Wakanda forever of them. I got the first one. I haven't seen either. It's just too many black people for me for some reason. It was just

No, I saw no, I have seen it. I have seen it. I didn't see the new one I don't think I don't think I wanted to see the new one. I thought the first one was so good I don't know if I wanted to see the second one is sad And I also I didn't want it to ruin how I like the first one because I knew I knew I was gonna be like This isn't as fucking good. Yeah, and it wasn't was it? Well, it was good. It was just really sad because you know, the weed died. Yeah Chadwick Boseman. What can you imagine? Anyway, so Whitney Um, what kind of forever give me the third one one more wait, you put me on the spot

How about some over the years the tv shows that you saw? Uh, well, you're uh, I was just talking about the parent trap today because I was writing about it That's good. You're writing a paper about the parent trap. Yes, man. School is dog shit Yeah, no not for this class. I'm in a history of film class. I'm a film major but movies for some reason I'm a niche Here's the deal about Sam. I like Can we talk about what they just said? That was crazy. What? Yeah, I'm in film class, but movies not my thing I said it's not my niche. Oh, oh, no difference. Oh, what's the difference between niche and thing? A niche is like, okay, wait, wait. His I love his attitude

He's fired You're hired again. I just like it can be like your thing But I feel like a niche is like that's really your thing, right? And the thing could be multiple things Like let me like let me give you an example for music. I can say my niches are in B But for one of my things music is one of my things and then movies could be one of my other things Yeah, I agree with almost nothing. He just I don't even understand any of that, but I got you but I was just talking maybe one of the best lawyers I've ever seen presented a case without any evidence, but still as a judge. I'd go. Fuck it. Fine. This guy did great

Right. So he really did this. Yeah, like this ready go ahead the color blue Yeah, it's a color, but it's also A thing of its own and doesn't have to be is it still? Yes, yes, that's what he just did. Yeah, and did it work? No, no But it but it was a good try Sam when sam's out of school and sam's going to school for the audience who wants to know at Quinnipiac with fancy Right, can we say this? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Sam's going to school Sam sam wants to come work with us. Maybe you do but he's got some fucking demands

What is it? What are your demands? He wants to put him up put him up in a house. He said he has to have a house to live in Can't have an apartment I was gonna say transportation, but I didn't want to look too needy right, but I I can't do the buses and the I need my own wheels. Okay. You don't have a car now So we have to give him a car and a place to live and he'll come here Think about it. Can he live with you? No, can you have your old car? Yes, you can live with me Can you have your old car? I just thought about it I want him to live with me. Do you know how to work a washer and dryer? Absolutely

Can you clean cat vomit? I just told him I was oh I'll clean but not the cat vomit. I don't even like cleaning human vomit. Right. I get that. I get that very good But will you clean everything else? Of course. Okay. So look clean. Can you cook? Absolutely cooks and cleans. What could he cook? Um, I didn't make chicken parm the other day. I love you, man. Thank you. I say that Of course. Yeah, I love Sam. Sam is one of us What do you mean by that one of us one of us one of us? I actually like him on the mic Yeah, he's great. Yeah, you're weird. I am. Yeah. Yeah Well, how about Sam stays there for a minute and then we swap out Carlos and bring in

I'll run up close for Carlos Let's bring in somebody that hasn't been around in a long time for a myriad of reasons and we we're so happy that this person is back Ladies and gentlemen, it is the return Of the ever famous Rudy probably the real star of the show Rudy Jules. Rudy Jules bring her here. Come on everybody Rudy Jules Rudy this is Sam say hi to Sam Hi Rudy. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I like your shirt. Notice. Thank you It goes well with your shirt. Did you notice what she did? Are you wearing makeup a lot of makeup? Are you wearing makeup? Yeah Oh, rude. Rudy's got some makeup on. She didn't shake his hand. Yeah, do it. It was deliberate

Deliberate he went to shake your hand and you didn't oh, I didn't see Very good. Rudy Jules. I haven't seen you in so long. How's uh, how's school? It's good busy. I already have a work You already have a work. Yeah, what you mean homework Work work. What job do you have now? I'm a student assistant at like a college like I go College of Arts in Northridge What does that mean? I don't know. Is that a real job? What are you doing? Are you getting paid money or not? How much tell us 15 50 per hour 15 dollars and 50 cents for one whole hour

Amazing good. No, that's good. It is very good. It's good money work study Um, no, it's just I take calls. I greet people you take calls to the what's that? What is it the like the phone and then I just answer. Yeah, no, I know it's a fucking phone But I'm saying what are you making? Who are you taking calls about like anyone if they have questions? Then I just have to answer. Okay. Here we go It has to be like Bling bling bling bling bling bling bling bling bling bling can I see the department bling bling bling bling bling bling Answer the phone

Dean's office, how can I help you? Sorry say that again slower. We're a double. It's a two line two line call What did you say again? We don't understand what you're saying College dean's office. Is this the dean's office? Uh-huh. Oh, are we in trouble? Hey, so listen, uh, we're curious to know about uh, maybe one of our uh, one of our kids applying to come to school there Oh, did you put down the phone? No Okay, so, um, jimmy and I yeah, we're Together yeah, we're together and we have we adopted a kid back in the 80s. Yep. You know, I mean, I don't need to know No personal information. Just tell me what you know. That's rude. Oh, that's so rude because we're trying to tell you about our background. Yeah

why Hold on one second. Except this girl's a fucking bit. I fucking should we ask for the manager? Yeah, the dean asked for the dean Yeah, can we speak to the dean the dean? Um, unfortunately the dean is unavailable right now. You sound like a liar No, anyway our Kid right Samoan Samoan Samoan. He's Samoan. He's Samoan and that's what he named him to Because we were just kind of like we don't know what the name of so we just named him Samoan. Yeah, so um He wants to play football at your school or wrestling or wrestle. Yeah, or do you have or shot book? Do you have um

bat mitten Okay, so this is college of arts the department of arts Samoan paints He does paint. Samoan loves painting. He loves the watercolors. So what does he want to do football or or or? Okay, you can do both. Yeah, this edit. Hold on one second. Yeah This fucking I cannot stand this. I know I think we should go to harvard. We should because Mike Mike kerb is not gonna get it. Yeah, my curve. Yeah. Anyway, so so listen we want our son to go there He does paint with watercolors. Yeah, so what's the deal? Are you interested in our son Samoan?

Um, okay, so I'm just a student assistant, but I can transfer you to someone that knows more about this Could have said that at the beginning Could have said that right. We can't get that five minutes back. Right. Okay. I'm sorry What's your name? I'm reporting. What's your name? Andrea smart very good. See your survivor. You are surviving. You do know so that's what you do. You you you you you link up calls Yeah, wow And do you like it? Have you worked yet? Yeah, I've been working for the past five days and then the first day I was so scared. So every time I would take a call. I was just

All right, she's growing up. She's growing up. Look at her. Are you still dating that same guy? Yeah Whoa, this is getting serious. How long has this been now? um You look at your hands when you figure out how long you've been a guy like eight months How long have you and I known each other? Her hands are like an apocas. I mean, there's a Yeah, it's a beautiful mind. Go. Yeah, you see the equations on her hands. Um, I saw your Show to Andrew. What do you mean? What show cheeseburger? You saw my stand-up special. Yeah, did you like it? Yeah, but I don't remember your jokes. I don't need anymore. Just yeah, I don't need it. Did you like it?

I was laughing good. She didn't like it, but she laughed Yeah, but I'll take one of the two if you laugh and don't like it still fine with that So thanks for watching. Can I ask you some serious questions? So, you know, they moved out So Kalilah and Jules moved out of my house We're happy about it. Do you miss me? Yeah Oh, man, that's not real. Yes, it was. It actually looked real. Where do you live now? Somewhere some shithole, huh? Yeah, fucking skumratch Do you notice I'm not around or I do I do it's more cleaner

What did she say? It's cleaner. No. Yeah. No, it's not. It's not. It is. That's why I missed it because it's it feels different Oh, you want it to be dirty. Yeah And how the dogs acting they're good. They really like the place They're like having fun like in the backyard. So they don't miss me at all. You don't think I don't know. Oh my god Why are you doing this to him? Just lie and say, okay? Yeah, they miss him. Yeah, they miss you, buddy They all miss you a lot. They all miss you a lot to Bobby So much that it's like a fucking disaster. It's pretty crazy how much they missed it But I went to his place last night and then why when I came in

I just smelled like vomit Well, the cats threw up everywhere. That's not his fault and he did throw up as well when you clean it Uh, could you help me out and clean it up? Do you see the cat vomit? All over the house, right Babble. Oh you took Babble before we went to France. I took Babble before I went to France One of the most exciting things about a new year is that you have no idea what adventures are in store for you We From new travel experiences to new jobs or picking up new skills

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It sure is I believe in therapy. Bob and I have talked about this for a long time when uh, you're at your best You can do great things and sometimes life gets you bogged down You're gonna feel overwhelmed and you're not showing up the way you used to or the way you want to We're going to therapist is going to help you get to closer to the best version of yourself So the goals that you want to achieve and if you're thinking about caring given therapy a try better help is a very very good option It's convenient flexible affordable and entirely online Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge I've used it and I love it

I like to be in the comfort of my own home to speak with somebody and if you're looking to live a more empowered life Therapy can get you there, especially using better help visit betterhelp.com slash bad friend today To get 10% off your first month. That's better Hlp.com slash bad friends Wait, so you guys used to live together with dogs and cats. Yeah. Yeah, how did that go? Well, they planned on eating some of them, but it never got around to it And you have your ex-girlfriend in the house too. Yeah Wow, well his ex-girlfriend is her aunt

Oh, okay. Okay family. Okay. Yeah, they're fam. That's blood and there's they used to be really blood with us But now that they've departed we feel like there's no there's no connection anymore. Yeah It's really kind of sad this show was kind of built on family And uh, sam, that's why kind of we're asking you to be a part of the family That's really yeah, because these other people are we're done with the Filipinos or we're not we're done with those people Are you not from? No, no, she's from the Philippines. I'm from the Philippines. Yeah, you just said you were but she's here I know what this is kind of an interim thing. We bought them. We we got them on discount pre-covid

Yeah, what did we buy and pay for that $12.95 was $12.95 pre-covid with the coupon. Well, you're right Yeah, you were if you on the back of a coke can there's always like it's one for six flags and one for a Filipino Filipino coke cans. They don't do it in America. We had to smuggle some coke can We pulled peel the label and yeah, you went to and we won two one was hot You know me and one was like her niece her niece, but I really do miss you guys and we miss seeing you around the show I feel honestly. I feel lost. Yeah Yeah, I mean, I just honest. I was just that the honest truth is I feel so miserable and lost and empty How do you feel about that?

I feel sad Is that an emotion someone told you to feel or do you feel that real? I feel it here Yeah, that's where you feel the emotions. Yeah, you wouldn't feel it here. It's like they just programmed Like they just sent her out. They're like, okay. We just reprogrammed her. No, but I am a city Bobby. You're sad Yeah, so that was you see the Washington, uh, I mean the um, not Washington Journal the um Wall Street Journal They did an opinion piece. There are too many Asians. I agree. Did I write this piece? No, what do you mean? There's actually there's a big, you know, there's a big, uh, you know, China is struggling

Their population is I know down for the first time. Did you see the just go to images? Maybe Well, the problem is it's a China is not as having any of those baby ones. Are there too many Asians? Are there too many Asians? Let's answer that question. Well, Sam. Yes. Are there too many Asians? I don't think so How many would you you want more? My best friend is Asian. That's great. Yeah. Hey, this is gonna be my first time with Sam doing this Get closer to the mic The old day

We used to yell at her about that all the time. Yeah, so wait there. You don't think there are too many Asians Not really. I don't see you often from where I'm from. Right. Where are you from Jersey? Oh, there's not a lot. No, if you go to New York, then you'll see something. Yeah, I know we've been there Okay, so you're saying you're part of Jersey. There's not a lot of Asians. Not really. No, what part of Jersey are you from? I'm from north Jersey north Jersey. Yeah, I'm not like near the beaches. I'll make more in the city Okay I love when they say beaches in New Jersey. They are beaches. Yeah, but not really. No, it is. Uh, yes, they are Really? I haven't been to the Kylie beaches yet. So you can't so what I'm saying is is that like, you know, um, a professional

Superb, we'll go let's go to New Jersey and ride the waves. Yeah They do. Yes Don't don't do that We have nice beaches. I know but there's no waves. There's no fucking pompous. You gotta go to the Jersey There's some it's dirty by the boardwalk, but you could get some waves if you go a little further That should be on a t-shirt. What three miles in no No I don't know. I don't swim. Yeah

Wait, you don't swim Wait, stop. I didn't say anything. I know what you're thinking. You don't swim. I do not why I can't I don't know how to swim So it's either I drown or I just walk on four feet pools Well, that's we gotta figure that out. We gotta figure that we feel like we're getting back out on that ice I feel like we're getting right back out of the ice. Yeah, go ahead in my island's not a lot of Filipinos know to swim Yeah, but that's because it why sharks because they're too afraid to go to the sun because they don't want to get dark Oh boy

I feel like we're all back out on the ice. No, no. She's on ice with me. Oh, she is now Oh, yeah, and I'm a shore going you guys come on get off the ice But you know what it is about philippines. They probably believe in some weird fucking Hocus pocus thing that's in the water, you know them they probably tricked philippines to be like you can't go swim Otherwise the the monster of bokeh that will come get you, you know, I mean they tricked them So they wanted to stay on the island, right? Is there like a Loch Ness kind of a vibe in there's nothing in the water There's a sea creature in the Philippines that you get scared of No, oh wow. Yeah, there is there is what's it called?

Um, it's what's the sea creature in the Philippines that they trick you guys as kids not to go swimming. Yeah. Yeah, it's um but not don't do What is it? What is it called? I'm trying to remember. Yeah, try to remember Do gong. Oh the do gong. See try to find do gong. Do gong philippines creature. It's a creepy I've heard of it before and in new jersey is there a fucking creature that black people are afraid of? No

No, okay. Just the dirt and the maybe our kelly. Maybe our kelly's out there Maybe our kelly's in the water. Oh, is that what it looks like? There's the do gong in the philippines I'm gonna say it looks like a big walrus No, that's the do gong and they will do you and they don't want you to go out in the philippines because it'll see that looks like a bloated dolphin, I don't know Manatees manatee. Well, it is that's what they call it. But that is a bloated dolphin Let's just have let's let's have sam say thank you to sam and let's get sam back at it. Thank you. Thank you Sam, we love you. Thank you. You're the greatest of all time. Okay, so here's the deal

We have a couple more gifts for you because of your sobriety. So let's bring in the second gift We can rifle through a pretty good. We're proud of you Hi, all right. How are you? What okay? Thank you. Can you sit down for a second? What's your name grace? Grace say it into the mic grace. Here comes grace. Hi grace. Hi Pull that mic toward your face grace. I never could get I get a hold of this book, but it's good It's Stinking Thinking by Gail Rosalini. It's a really good book. It's a great book. It's a classic And um, did you buy it for me? Yeah straight from the heart Oh, you bought it from the heart. Yeah, she paid with a motion. That's that's great. Did you go to the store to buy this?

um, yeah That's where you get books. I know but what book did you store? Did you go to make it up grace? Are there barns and nobles in california? There sure are. What do you think? Grace what year are you at the school? This is my second year sophomore. Yeah, that's what we say We say sophomore, but you say second year and I get it because maybe you'll do more than four years I'm actually doing. I'm graduating next year. Whoa Someone's smart. Yes. Yes May please

Do you think I have stinking thinking? No Then why would you get me in this book? I mean, I like the cover It's cute. All right grace. You can go back. Thank you grace. Thank you grace. No stay stay stay stay stay stay stay So you just kind of walked into the Book store and just grabbed whatever off the shelf like like I said came from the heart So I was like, you know, I let my heart guide me. Oh, so your heart guided you That's interesting. Do you do that with all your life in your life when you go to a restaurant? Pretty much

You close your eyes. My heart says yeah Yeah, I meditate on it a little bit. You do. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for the book. Um, how much sorority time do I have? Not enough. That is such a good answer She's so good. So not enough is right. I can't get her. What where are you from? I'm from boston Fuck yeah, man. What a great town. Boston. Boston's a great town. One of the best. You get a tough people We are. Do you want to fight? Hmm, maybe later. Oh, wow. Do you go Catholic? I did. I went to catholic school. Wow. You're really good. You know me I got the whole experience. Yeah, whole package with the priest and everything priest. Yeah

This is a move I just feel like I'm on the ice again. Yeah, once I said priest. Yeah Well, thank you so much for the book. Of course. Thank you, grace. Give it up to grace. Is there more gifts? Yeah, let's get a couple more gifts in here. Who's next to the gift? This guy needs gifts Thank you, grace. You're the best. Really appreciate you, grace. You guys are great Hey, this one you're gonna love Take a seat. She doesn't know much, but she's a nice girl. We spoke before What's that? Pull the mic to your face. Oh, okay. You man. I don't know much. So no, no, no, no, man Put this close to your mouth. Oh really close. There you go. Okay. Yeah

So this girl her name is Oh, what is it? Taylor. What is it? It's Taylor. Taylor. Fuck like the swift. That's right. Exactly. Good. What's so funny? Nothing. Um, so Taylor Taylor, you got me this hat. I did. What does it say in the front? Uh, it says one day at a time and what's the creature in the front? That's a camel She's very good. Yeah, she got it. So one day at a time and why why did you get me this hat? Why do you think it says one day at a time? You just got to take things one day at a time. That's right. What does that mean to you though? Well

What I just said Great. It's pretty good. Is this an advertisement for cigarettes? Is this a camel cigarette? Is that what that is? No, it really is like, uh, AA approved, but but what does the camel have to do with anything? I don't know. I maybe because they're dry Huh, they're dry dry and you're dry. You're sober. You're dry. Maybe that's or they move very slowly or they spit a lot Yeah, the camel represents something in AA. What is it? What is it? This is a symbol for sobriety because a camel could go 24 hours without a drink. There you go Yeah, but that's just one day. But one day but 21 day at a time camel camel one day. I know but then tomorrow

Right, the camel might be drinking. Right, right He's drinking the next day It just means he goes one day without drinking. Yeah, that's why we're taking it one day at a time Yeah, great gift Taylor. And is it when they say drinking was it like alcohol? Do camels drink alcohol? They do that's water. No, they survive on just alcohol. Yeah Yeah, what like sex on the beach or whatever. Yeah, Taylor. Yeah, Taylor your energy was amazing That's why I was happy to bring you on the show because when you got a gift I knew that you were going to give bobby something meaningful and wonderful

Yeah, of course because you care about bobby, don't you? I do. Tell him how big of a fan you are Oh, I'm your biggest fan name some of the stuff you've seen. Yeah. Also. Yeah, let's let me ask them quickly. So, um What city am I from what city are you from? Yeah? I don't know this one. Yes We're close to San Diego very close to San Diego close. Yeah close enough. How old is bobby? How old is bobby? 51 51. That was good. No, she knows. That's pretty good. How tall is bobby? Five four. That's right. That's great. I saw the hand. I didn't show her anything. Yeah, let me see your hands I waved at her. That's great. I went hi Taylor. I know

Oh, you did? Yeah. Oh, my bad. Yeah, and which asian is bobby? I'm gonna go Korean. There it is. You see Korean before? Did I? Yeah, I don't think so Yeah, he Korean ages. I didn't say that. Did I say that? I don't think I did What was bobby's favorite drug when he was using? See, I don't know him from those days. Oh, those are old days. Yeah, I bet you could guess just by looking at his face though, huh? Uh We'll say the same time. We'll pick a drug on the count of three one two three methamphetamine. That one's good, too Wow, I look like a methamphetamine. She's right. That's insane

That's crazy what you did. I love it But he looks but he's a good-looking guy though still right after all those years Like out of 10, we'd rank him on a 10. We'll say it together on the count of three. He's a one two three 11 Wow, okay. Give me some of the movies Some of the movies that I've seen that I've been in that you've been in Yeah I don't know. I haven't I'm like sam

Move film major. I haven't seen a lot of movies. I haven't seen a lot of movies. She's gen. That's normal. She's gen any tv shows No, I'm sorry. Okay. That's okay. She's not a fan though She is a fan. She said she thinks you're so cool. What um tv shows has even been Not a fan. See she's not a fan of me. It was a really good kevin heart movie. He did on on netflix. It's really good It is pretty good. What's it called me time. It's called right me time. Yeah. Yeah me time right there. There it is And um, andrew steals the movie again That's why he's going to australia to do another movie. Yeah, I believe it. Yeah. Yeah, good there. Oh there I am. There he is. Look there. I am kevin heart is right there. Yeah, that's me and kevin heart. I tower over him

I'm six one. Yeah, and he's four three. So, you know, of course he is look at that. That is that is a funny scale Yeah, it is kind of cool working with him because you're you're allowed to pick him up whenever you want Yeah, you look like you know like at your dog your house. You can pick it up and kiss it Yeah, he'll let you put you you can put him on his dashboard in your car and just drive her on town He loves it. His head wobbles. He does a wobble thing Taylor what a pleasure. It's been having you on this show. I want to say that Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Is there any more gifts and we got some more gifts. Let's swap out a little Taylor. Shout out to Taylor. Thank you, Taylor. You're the best

Tay-Tay your legs are so thin there, Andrew Are my legs thin there? I mean, I think it's just the pants or pants are tight. What's up, dude? Fuck. Yeah, bro You're gonna like this guy. He's jewish. Yeah, I love them All right, Kanye. That's good. We need more of that in the world. That's right. Oh, yeah We're allowed to meet Kanye's already gone. This book says what is it? What is the one? What's the book he bought you? What is the book you bought me? Substance abuse and gay man Pull that mic towards your face. Oh, yeah, thank you. Uh substance abuse and uh

I don't remember substance abuse and like yourself and you're one I was reading it a little bit up there. Say your name again. Ari. Ari should have guessed it Uh, the book that Ari got you is gay men and substance abuse And uh, I gotta tell you This is a good book I've read this. Yeah. Yeah, I just It's a basic guide for addicts and those who care for them. So Michael Shelton wrote this. He's in he's a He's an ms. Cack. Yeah at the bottom. He's an ms. Cack. Yeah, let me ask you something

What is I mean? What would be the difference between a gay man being an alcoholic and a straight man being an alcoholic? No, you tell us Well, uh, all right, Ari. Where are you from? Uh, I'm also from Boston. Oh, but another bostonian another bostonian Um, are your are your uh, are your dreams and aspirations to move to los angeles and get into film or to go to new york? I mean Los angeles. Yeah, you read me pretty well It's right. It's all here in this book Yeah, uh, so you want to move to los angeles. All right. Do you think I'm gay? After last night, I mean, uh, I'm not really sure I was there last night

You know the improv club right interesting way to start after last night I usually would have been a joke about you guys fucking Yeah, but then he took it back to reality that he saw you do stand up So after last night so before you saw my show you were like, he's not gay and then you saw the show and then what's the conclusion? Well, I mean you did show us your pubes yesterday. That's right I mean, but you're the second comedian's pubes. I've seen eric andre was first. There we go. Who's were nicer? Hmm, you know, he's dating emily radikowski and you're not Uh, just I mean just because I got you that book out of love. I think I'm good to say yours

You have nicer pubes. Yeah Son of a bitch What about is did my act make you feel like I was gay though? Is that from the pubes? No, no That was just like the one and only thing the rest of your act you Gave me all the good vibes. So are you straight already? Yeah, probably Wow, wow Yeah, it's a new generation. Yeah may I explode that or oh, no, of course Yeah, uh back at the pond

back at the pond, right So Probably you're straight. I mean have you have you thought about? Yeah, everyone has it's 2023 I you know, I I love this guy so much. Yeah, I love this guy so much. Yeah. Have you thought about what? That's my roommate actually who I've lived with for two years. Yeah, that's what they tell their parents. Direct roommate. Yeah. Yeah No dad, it's my roommate Sure

What's your roommate when you roommate? Can I put you bring your roommate out? Come on roommate Oh, yeah He came in like fucking Sean Hayes. Yeah, I mean, whoa, dude I've never seen he's a sitcom gay. Yeah, he just walked in. Hi. All right, so, um Wait, hold on one second. We gotta we really will you swap with him and let him do the mic Yeah, just so we get for two minutes just for two minutes. We do want to talk to Rudy when she gets back So this is um, what's your name? I'm nick. Oh boy. Oh boy

You know, you know what nick rhymes with? Yeah I do you guys sleep in bunk beds? We mega bed sometimes. What's mega bed? I mean, we have two single beds and just push it together The heat there's no heating at our school Does who buys breakfast? I make breakfast who does he makes it He makes the breakfast. Yes. He does. Yeah. Yeah. There's no shame in this. You know what I mean? I mean him and I have done that too. Yeah, we've mega bed. Yeah. Oh, we saw your shirt that you see in the shirts

Yeah, yeah, we mega bed and we've done some stuff. That's right. Yes. So, you know, you guys should feel good about your feel good about it But whatever you got going on, you know, and I saw you both want to be in film. Yeah, I feel like they're gonna make movies together We have we have made movies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah and babies Who made you what do you mean you make movies already? You already done it? We've made like short films. I like that Can we see them one day? Yeah. Yeah, you're directing, right? Yeah, yeah, right. These guys are gonna give us jobs down the road Well, I mean, in fact, if you guys write a really good short script, maybe andrew and I could be the stars Oh, a hundred percent. How great would that be? So down for that. Yeah. Yeah. Are you guys available next? No

Thank you boys very good Man, this has been fucking weird as It's the weirdest show we've ever done. It's the weirdest fucking show. I think we've ever done in our fucking lives Butcher box. Oh, I love me. I am a mate adrian And also I like high quality meat. Yes, right. That's how I like to eat my meat. Yeah, you don't want cheap meat I don't like good meat. I don't like. Yeah, so uh Butcher box does that they take the guesswork out of finding high quality meat and seafood You can trust a hundred percent grass-fed beef organic chicken pork raised crate free and wild caught seafood

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Tito's out You're still dating that guy. Mm-hmm. You're getting paid Big bucks to work in the dean's office life is good What's next for you? You're not coming on the road with us. You're not doing bad friends live. I can't because I know too famous too rich No, I see your follow count How many follows you have now? Let me check One 10

110,000 damn you how many comics we know that are legitimate comics that'll have 30,000 20,000 Yeah, well you deserve it You work super hard to get to where you are and now you were when you're on campus. Do you wear a mask? Um, sometimes like in the classroom. I do but outside when you walk around outside. Does anybody on campus recognize you? um last tuesday, I was like just walking around the campus and then Like two guys like just stopped in front of me and they said wait. Are you rudy? Wow. Wow. And what you say? Yeah, with a cute

They're fine. Yeah. Yeah, and then what and did you have a conversation with them? We just kind of walked off like a Hollywood star. No, I said yeah, and I said hi and then he was like, oh I thought you were gonna work at the bookstore because I work there He went to the bookstore because you used to work there. I don't know but he he worked there already Oh, you already and then he saw my name on the list And then he was like I was so excited, but then you didn't come sounds like a stalker. Yeah, sound like you gotta stay away from Yeah, stay away from that. Yeah. He's a murderer. So that's the only time you're gonna recognize on campus. Mm-hmm Oh interesting

What What's wrong? It's just she's all grown up. It's sad. Yeah, but she's gone. She moved out. She's she's you know She got really fat. I mean, it's just like everything changed. Can't wait. You've gained so much You're so much fatter than used to be. Yeah. Yeah when we first saw you you were just a tiny little thing Now you're a fucking whale. I mean Brendan Fraser's got nothing on you. Yeah. Yeah Well, there's a lot of good foods here. Bring up a picture of Brendan Fraser and the whale and this you look almost exactly like this This is basically you. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's looks exactly I don't I don't feel any double chin here. I got to be honest with you

I can't tell that it was between that and you right now. Did you see the movie? No, but I've heard it's so good. I want to watch it. We're just kidding. You're not fat. We're joking around You're fucking weirdo. What an idiot. That does look like the you though though you fat piece of shit That looks like He almost died gaining the weight. I mean, I know he's wearing prosthetics as well But he also gained so much weight for this role. Yeah, would you ever do that? Yeah, I know you would for a 24 movie Yeah, I'll be 3 000 pounds. I don't give a fuck. What if they told you the risk of dying was 50 50 I'd rather die

Then what then just can not be in the movie. Wow. Yeah, so if they said we'll give you It's not going to pay that well. I don't care free. I'll do it for free Wow, if it's a great project, I'll do it for free. You're willing to die for the project. Yeah, that's wild I mean, what is there any director that you would work for just and go all the way like that? No, I'm saying I would go all the way But if the risk was that I was gonna die Scorsese. So Scorsese calls you right? Yeah. Hey, Marty Hey, how you doing? Uh, good. It's Marty. Oh, hey, Marty. How you doing? I'm wonderful. How are you? I just want to answer

I want to ask you the first time, you know, I saw you doing then you said Marty and I was like, oh, right. Yeah, sorry about that I'm sorry. How you doing? I'm good. How are you? Pretty good. Great. Yo, so um, can I say yo? Sure. I'm Italian. It doesn't come naturally. Right. Anyway, me, Pecci, De Niro, right? Leo doing a movie. Yeah. Yeah It's called a hunt for red October 2 It's in the submarine Oh, wow, that sounds awesome. Yeah. Leo's gonna play Russian Right. Okay. And then um, the Alec Baldwin part. You know what I mean? It's gonna be um, De Niro

Okay, cool. Is he not available? He's in the movie. He's in the movie. Baldwin's not available. No, he's not. Well, he already did the first one. Right. Right I want you in the movie Can you send me a script? You would really say that. Sorry? You would really say that Uh, I mean, I want to read. Did you write it? Who wrote it? Hey, it's me Marty. Can I tell you what the part is? Yeah, you gotta gain a thousand pounds You're playing a submarine. Oh, everyone's inside me. Inside you. Is this a gay porn? No, it's not gay porn. Marty They come in through your butthole though

I kind of like some of this. Yeah. And then, you know, and then the us Yeah, you're a Russian submarine. Uh-huh. Bobby Lee is gonna play the us submarine No, north korean. We changed the north korean, right? Yeah when Bobby Lee was attached. Yeah. Yeah, Bobby Lee's a north korean submarine I'm sorry, Marty. Bobby Lee's attached. I'm out Have a good day. Bye Really? Yep. That's your line. If he attached you before me I'm out You know, that's what you know, honestly, that's no, no, no, no, I think that's how you really feel

Shut the fuck up because you're doing so well right now. I'm so proud of you. Uh, I know you are No, why don't we give Andrew Santino run up? He's doing real big movies and You know what I mean? One after another house party the one with the fucking me time, you know, you're on this new movie Who's the definition of jealousy? Is that what you just pull off? I'm not jealous. I'm supportive. It says raise his voice immediately No, I love it. I'm so happy for you, man. It's so good. It's so exciting. It looks away often continues to repeat the same word over and over This is wild, man. It says stuff like fantastic stuff, man. Yeah. Yeah. It's right there on the definition No, I would I would gain weight and do a fucking thing for a role, but it also would have to it like

The gaining weight thing would be tough Why? Because I feel like you just would you rather gain weight or lose weight like fucking christian bailed it for the machine 100% lose weight I would get it almost died. I know But at least she ate an apple a day for like a year and a can of tuna apple a day in a can of tuna Look, that's christian bail in a movie. He looks good. Yeah zoom in on a photo. What? Yeah, yeah Yeah, that's he lost all that weight for this fucking movie

Then he did a Batman begins after that right after he did Batman So he had to gain like a thousand pounds after that. How crazy is that? It's fucking nuts. It's insane Look at that body though. He would like shit a tic-tac Yeah, you knew how's that body 20 here's cliff Tony more you can't wait in Texas Tony gained a little weight. He does look a little weird. Yeah. Yeah Anyway, is he what an actor? fans Yeah, they saw you fancy. Thanks a lot for bringing the kids into the show man. That was great of you, dude

We really love it. Yeah. Thank you. We love it. Yeah, I know Yeah, you did great And what were you for fucking 30 minutes? I was getting fire from the university Did you really get fired for bringing them here? Did you get in trouble? Have you are you gonna get in trouble? Of course, they got really weird. I know. Huh? I got really weird in here This whole episode has been one of the weirdest episodes we've ever done. Yeah. Yeah, but like by and large I feel the rhythm is surreal so weird. Yeah, weirdly enough parents love it and then they follow the show So the mom and dad well, yes, they're also that's a demographic. We're trying to go for mom and dad

Well, the parents are our age. That's exactly. Yeah, because they're all 19 and 22 Right, and their mom and dads are fucking 50. Yeah, so you What? Wait, let me let me. Hey kids. What's howls your dad? What'd you just say I know He's a sassy bitch younger than yo, yeah, you know what that's his new nickname sassy sam sassy bitch sb sam

That's your new nickname dude because of that fucking thing. How old is your dad sam? 53 that's older than us No, I was trying to be funny. Oh. Oh, that was sassy too. That was sassy too. You don't know a joke? I was trying to be funny.

Yeah. Fucking asshole, dude. I love that guy. Yeah. Love Sam, dude. He's a permanent fixture of this fucking show. I think so. I think we find a replacement.

For who? You know who. For me? No. I know. I know. For the other one. Yeah, the other one.

Not you. Why are you looking at me? Cause you, you know, I don't know. I gotta tell you, let's, I'm gonna do a little throwback sentimental stuff real fast. I remember when you first came on this show, cause now there's the probably one of the last episodes you're gonna be on this show.

You're never gonna come back, are you? I think so. Pretty rarely. When you first came on this show, and your only goal was to make sure that Tito Bobby didn't go to a drive through or didn't go to CVS. Yes. Right?

So he wouldn't die. That little moment in time turned into one of the greatest relationships this show could have ever wished for. And somebody did a little compilation, I guess we wanna show you. Let's, let's see it. Closer to the mic.

Yeah, you have to get closer to the mic so we can hear you. Am I closer to the mic, Jules? Fuck. Get closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic. Get, get closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic.

Get closer to the mic. Instead of trying. Jules, Jules. See how there's this much space between us. Get closer to the mic. Talking to the mic. Get closer to the mic. Juliana, get closer to the fucking mic.

That was a lot. I don't remember Tito Bobby saying it all. He yelled at you every episode. Have you brought girls over to Tito Bobby? No. No? Question. No.

Yes he has. No, I haven't. Yes he has. Tonight. Tonight. Yeah. To clean up, cause I need somebody to clean up the vomit.

Wait, so you have someone to come over. Is she gonna sleep over? Yeah. Wow. I've had already the same girls spend the night at the house. But they don't like, they just leave at 2 a.m. I hear them.

No, they don't. What do you mean you hear them? Yeah, some of them do. But this one stays the night. One time she spent the night. She's got some of that. Why? It's good when they leave at 2 a.m.

I'm just curious. Yeah, yeah. Cause I hear them like they're stubs. Do you hear us? No. The moans? No. Okay, good.

Cause there's an A, I'm Christian. What are you guys moaning about? You just moaning at each other? We watch movies. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Come on, come on, come on. Watch out, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When someone, yeah, when someone's a, it's a, it's always like murderous. Come on, I'm still doing fear to you. Well, you. Got it.

Are you dating someone seriously? No. Yes. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. Who? Me. Yeah, Andrew.

But no, no, no, I'm not. But you know, there's, yeah, I'll be single for a very long time, I think. Have you ever cooked for a woman? No. Never once. I can cook. What can you cook?

Spaghetti. There it is. Spaghetti. Yeah. Do you make sauce from scratch, or you just open a can of ragu and call it your own? You want to tell me, can I tell you what I do? Yeah.

Okay. I take that wooden thing. What, that's a very vague. What? That's very vague. What is it? A cutting board? Exactly.

Okay. All right. Yeah. I didn't even have to say it. Well. You already do what I was saying. I did. Cutting board.

Got it. I go to the store. I buy veggies. You buy veggies? I buy veggies. But are you bringing the cutting board to the store with you? Or are you doing it in the shop? I bring it just to see if the vegetables fit on the cutting board.

Yeah. That makes sense. So I'll lay it down at the vegetable section, right? And I'll lay things down there. I go, it fits. That all fits. Yeah. People think it's weird.

Glad I brought the cutting board. So I bring, I buy onions. Got it. Mushrooms. Got it. A whole garlic. Yeah. What?

Basil. Basil. Basil. How do you say it? It's basil. Is that basil? Basil. Oh.

How do you say it? Basil. Exactly. Yeah, it's basil. Okay. Potato, potato. That's patutu. That's right.

So you buy these things. So anyway, so I buy that. And then what I do, I buy ground beef. Why are you laughing? I love ground beef. Yeah. But I get the ones that lean. That's sideways?

Yes. Yeah. It just does this. Yeah. You got it. Like the packaging, it's all on one side. Yeah. It leans to the, it leans to the, yeah.

And because I don't like what's filled. Or it's in the center, it's got to lean. Full beef is bad. Lean beef is bad. Yeah, lean beef is the best. And what I do is I bring pasta, just the dry stuff at the store. You buy dry pasta.

Yeah. Yeah. Good. Dude, you get the wet one. I like it wet. All right. I like it dry. I like a wet noodle.

Yeah. I dry it out. I'm a wet noodle. Yeah, okay. Yeah. So I bring all that stuff home and then I take the cutting board because I bring it to the car because it's, you know.

Yeah, it's in the car. Yeah. Yeah. I forget in the car always. I forget it. Right. Bring it back up. And then I chop.

Chop it, chop it, chop it, chop it, chop it, chop it. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Right. And it goes like this. Ba-na-na-na-nan-nan-nan-nan-nan-nan. When you chop up the vegetables. Go there.

No. Yeah, yeah. You went there. No. So you chop it up. You're on ice. You chop it up. Ba-na-na-nan-nan-nan-nan-nan-nan-nan-nan-nan-nan.

Why, I don't know why I did that. Stop it. So I chop it right. Yeah. And then I put olive oil in the skillet. Very smart. Thank you. And then I put the garlic in, low simmer.

And I start simmering the vegetables then. Okay. Right. Is that my boring you? Where's the sauce? Oh, fuck. I forgot to buy it from the store. I gotta go back.

You gotta go all the way back. I'm gonna leave the cutting board because it has nothing to do with it. I think you should bring it. All right, I put the, because there's already chopped vegetables on it. Bring it. Put saran wrap over and bring it.

No, I think the pool, put, no, I'm not doing that. I'll take the cutting board. I already did it. Look, I already did it. No, you have to bring it. All right, so I'll bring it. You have the cutting board with vegetables already. I don't know why I would have a cutting board

full of vegetables at the store. Why not? Exactly. Yeah. I'm at the fucking pasta aisle. Here you are at the pasta aisle. All right. What are you buying?

I don't get burrillo. Well, you don't like burrillo. I just don't like the name. Barillo. Yeah, yeah. Which one do you like? I like, I don't know, it's light blue. With a yellow little label.

Yes. Ronzoni. No, it's Ronzoni. Ronzoni. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I get that. I like spaghetti. I don't like any other kind.

Only noodles you like are spaghetti. I like the thin one. Pusilli can fuck off. Angel can go fuck itself. Fuck off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bowtie, fuck off. Fuck, go fuck yourself.

Orchette, fuck off. Go fuck, gnocchi. Gnocchi. Don't like it. Stay, gnocchi can stay. Oh, it can? Yeah. You're welcome.

Thank you. So you got your spaghetti noodles. I bring it back with the vegetables. Did you buy the sauce this time or did we forget again? Oh, fuck. We forgot it again. Yeah, I went back. And so I get it.

At this point, we should just go to Olive Garden. I get the truffle company, though. Truffle. That's the sauce company. Oh, right, truff, yeah. Truff, right? Yeah. And I get that.

And then I, so anyway, I simmer the vegetables. This is that garlic, all that stuff. I drain it a bit, all the excess oil and stuff. And then I put the meat in. And I stir up the meat too. And then I drain it again with the vegetables and the meat. And then I put the sauce in the fucking thing. I cook that up.

Meanwhile, I'm having the fucking, I'm doing the fucking pasta part. What's going on over there? I just put the pasta on the fucking thing. On the what? I'll just write on the fire? Yes. It doesn't seem to work.

It's so crunchy. Some reason she said she likes it. Yeah, yeah. So burn pasta is your thing. No, I put water. And I have a timer, 11 minutes. Right. So you know down to the science.

Yeah. And I also taste it just in case. I don't like it too. El dente? El dente. You want it soft. But also I don't like it too soft. It's going to be perfect for me.

I have a way of doing it. When I stick it out, I stick it in my mouth. I go, that's it. How do you know? I smile. I go, like that. Do you think like, do you think perfect noodle measurement is in your blood?

I think so. Like, you're born with it. I think you are too. You're not? Not the way you are. Thank you. You're a noodle king. Thank you.

You are my noodle king. So I drain the pasta. I put the sauce on it, and I eat it. And you serve it to this scumbag? Well, no, she always eats the leftovers. Yeah, she looks like a little thing. And then in the refrigerator, she'll eat it. Yeah.

Top or where? So that's the only thing I can cook. Spaghetti. Yeah. Will you cook it for this girl? No. The girl that's coming over? No.

You don't want to cook anything for her? No. Now, is it a kind of girl that gets you to cook for her? She has to deserve it? And she's not made it to Bobby Cook for you, rank? No, I've never cooked for anybody. No one's ever reached that level of fucking trust. I know.

Not even the K? Almost. She didn't get there after eight years? I want two fingers in the butthole. So one finger is going to get you an order in? It makes me comfortable with two fingers. Are you going to order in with this girl tonight? You're going to go out?

No, I order in. What are you ordering for? You're the maestro of Boa. Fancy Boa. You're spending that money? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What do you cook? What do I cook?

Bro, that reaction right there is the reaction somebody has when they're about to kill somebody for the first time. Yeah. Like you're in the mafia, you know what I mean? You're your first kill. I cook. What do you do? What's my favorite meal to cook?

What are we doing here, man? I don't know. Oh, what do I cook? I cook. I'm at your house. What are you doing here? Hi, happy birthday. Oh, is it my friend?

Oh, it is. Hey, thanks, man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Cook me something. Oh, OK. Yeah, it's your birthday. Please, sit down.

Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what I mean. I'm in your living room. I got spicy Italian sausage. Yum. Yeah, spicy Italian sausage. It's hot, by the way. That's how I like it.

OK. Well, you're in my house, so chill out. OK. Peel these potatoes. I have to? Yeah, you should. I don't know how. You never peeled a potato before?

Do you have one of those mechanisms? Your teeth. Oh, you do with your teeth. Well, look at those things. Like the Irish do. Yeah. Right. Peel potatoes, cut them into cubes.

Get some chicken stock. I'm cutting. Salt, pepper, throw that in there. Onions, bell peppers, carrots, a miropois, if you will. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Throw that thing in there.

Am I still doing this? Yeah. One potato. Two potato. All right. All right. All right. Cut it up into fourths.

Boil it. Am I doing that? I don't understand. Are you doing anything, or am I getting all? I'm smoking a cigarette, giving you orders. I'm just smacking them in my kitchen. I saw the fucking potato. I don't think we know dicing.

I haven't diced it yet. There's knives right there. All right. Dice, dice, dice, put in the fucking thing. What else, carrots? Cut, cut, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Now cut the fucking, cut the Italian sausage in the pan. Cook it up.

How do you like it? No, but how do you like it chopped? It's already cut up. It's ground Italian sausage. All right, put it in there. Yeah, let it cook. OK. Does it cook?

I don't know yet. Throw everything in the pot together right now. Hurry up. I did. Is it in there? Yeah. Good. Let's go out to eat.

I see. For the dog. Yeah. It was for the dog. I knew it. I cook food to have it at the house for the animal. Right, right, right. Now for me.

I'm going out to eat, baby. We're going out. Anyway. All right, listen. What a ride it's been. But I will say this. It's great to have Rudy Jules back. I'm sad that we're not going to see you that much.

So do me a favor and in the camera, sign us out. Thank you for being a bad friend. You're the best. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.