Bad Friends - Bobby’s Stinky Little Secret

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

New Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors: https://betterhelp.com/badfriends & https://www.liquid-iv.com code: BADFRIENDS & https://www.bespokepost.com code: BADFRIENDS & https://butcherbox.com/badfriends YouTubeAudio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 A Gift for Rudy  4:05 Bad Friends Got Invited to a Fan's Wedding  6:05 Rudy Roasts Bobby  12:04 Jame Lee Curtis Doesn't Think Bobby Is funny  15:33 Bobby's Birthday Party is Cancelled   19:24 Fancy Is a Babe  23:58 Robert E. Lee Is Out  29:48 Bobby's Teenage Experimentation  34:35 The Shark Tank Pitch  46:12 Jeremy Fragrance Buys a Ferrari  48:58 Untold: Crime and Penalties Review  50:54 Bobby and Andrew Plan Next Big Hollywood Ponzi Scheme  56:01 Rudy's Sunrise Charity   1:04:11 Bobby Lee Meets Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andres Rosende & Pete Forthun Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White people and Asian people. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Bobby Lee. Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Lee.

Before we start. Look at this. I forgot it was in my travel bag. But there was a man who came to the show in Denver Comedy Works. He was a little frantic because he was drunk. He was wasted and he was like, I love bad friends and I give you something for Rudy. And so he gave me this to give to you.

Do you know who this is? That's from my hero academia. Academia is my favorite too. What is that? My hysterectomy macadamia nut. What is his power? He's like the strongest. He spreads new variants of COVID.

He doesn't say that strong. Yeah. He also looks like he mixes fentanyl in a lab. This is the fentanyl king. Snored it. This guy is great. What is his name? Midoria. Oh, Midoria Sour.

Good drink. I don't want to throw this to you because I don't want it to break. I'm going to open it up so I can see it. Thank you to the fan that gave that. Look into your camera and thank that man. Wikipedia. Thank you to the drunk man. Yeah, Wikipedia says.

What do they say? The first 10 minutes of up is a montage. Yeah, you wrote that on Wikipedia. No, I don't even know how to do that. You wrote that on Wikipedia. George, you believe that I know how to do that? That is the only saving grace you have, sir. Do you know that I have no skills

or tech wizardry to even do that? You paid someone to do that. No. That's how it goes. You sneaky little shark. Last night I was coming home late. I bought a box of Captain Crunch peanut butter. Yuck.

Good. I haven't had that in years. Bro. I was bleeding while I was brushing my teeth. It was worth it. Cinnamon toast crunch. That thing fucks up the bottom of my mouth. Yeah, it slices up my mouth.

Love it. But I'm a big The Wheat Thins guy. You like The Wheat Thins? I like the thick cubes with the frosting on one side. Oh no, that's Frosted Mini Wheats. What's that called? Frosted Mini Wheats. I love Frosted Mini Wheats, man.

They're my favorite. When they get soggy and they get heavy and fat. Yeah. They get fat and heavy. They got diabetes that they're going to give you. And then you pick it up out of the milk and it's falling over your spoon. I love that.

It reminds me, because I have to shave my pubes because all the juice when I'm making love absorbs into my pubes like that. Right? So then like a day later, I could squeeze the pubes and I can get a little bit of juice out. You don't just do that in the shower? No, but I shaved it already.

I shaved it at the spa, yeah. So what I do is I'll... What? Yeah, you shave at the spa. They have razors in there. Yeah, at the Korean spa, I get the razors. But the Korean men, they hate it. Because there's two types.

There's the shower and then there's a Japanese kind of shower where you're sitting down on a plastic chair, a little plastic chair. Everybody shares the same plastic chair? That's the kind of thing where it's a sit-down washing bath. Right.

I'll put shaving cream on my pubes. Yeah. And I just start like shaving and then the Korean men always walk by me and they go, they'll say something. This son of a bitch, you know what I mean? Dirty Korean.

Hey, we got invited to somebody's wedding. Who? Courtney and James. That's the loving couple right there. Let me see. Courtney and James, hold on. It's Saturday, October 30th, 4 p.m. in Kentucky.

There's no way. What do you guys think? Do you want to go? I'm free. She's free? Wouldn't that be fun if us to just fly her out there? Just her? Just me? Yeah, so funny. Can Andreas come? Can Andreas come?

Because to be honest with you, he hasn't been here in... Let's see. Do you don't know them? No, no, no. Do their fan. They sent it to the Bad Friends crew and they invited the whole crew to the wedding, I think. I wonder what would that be like? If we showed up to that wedding?

Yeah. It certainly wouldn't be her special day. It'd be our day. Now we have to go. That's James? Courtney and James. Yeah, I think we'll go. We're going to give these jewels to your wedding. Rudy Jules is going to go to Kentucky.

Yeah, yeah. What are you going to give them as a gift, Rudy? A rice cooker. Appropriate. That make sense? Why? Why not? People love rice. But to them, it's going to be like,

you just probably found it around your house. But what do you think they think she is? She shows up and they're like, the Mexican girl gave us a rice cooker. I guarantee you if we put her in the middle. They probably think it's like an armadillo without scales. They just ripped off the scales and then Rudy showed up.

Did that hurt your feelings? No. Make fun of me now. Go. Come on. No, I can't. No, to shame me right now. I want you to learn because I want you to survive in the world.

Go ahead. Shame me. I shamed you, I called you an armadillo without scales. Um... You don't have eyebrows. Oh, burn. I'm not going to be able to sleep for a week. We'll take that. So use the idea that you know he doesn't have eyebrows.

But make up something about that. Use that for the joke. That's not the joke, but use that. I don't know how to make a joke. Alright. We're teaching you right now. You know what your eyebrows look like? They look like what?

What's mean that looks thin and almost nothing? You know, aside from that, why don't you try something where just, I know that you're a nice person, but say something that you think is going to really hurt my feelings. Yeah.

And I think that's where you should go. Me too. So say something that you think is really going to hurt my feelings, but I'm okay with it. So just try. Go ahead. I can't. Yes, you can. What would hurt my feelings? Go ahead.

You look like an old fat There we go. Warmer. Getting warmer. Stupid.

It's hurting. It's working. Warmer. Wait, stop. Stop. First fall. First fall. She went.

She took an angle. That's what I meant. I know that's what you meant, but that was great. Okay. That was, I look like an old fat stupid. You know,

if somebody said that at a roast, I would be mad. But it'd have to be that slow. It'd have to be that slow. You say it outright, it's just not that good. It's the balance of everything that she did. That's really amazing. Now, I want people to listen at home.

She was forced to say that. Yeah. And she was cornered like an animal. We bullied her. She didn't have a choice. And it hurt. Yeah.

It did? It didn't feel good a little bit. Just a little bit. Really? That's true. It is, but it's fun. Why is that fun? Because mean stuff is fun.

Because it's all in good fun. You don't really mean it. I forget that when you're around comedians, you can say certain things. I made the mistake one time of making fun of a guy that was in line

so I was opening for Carlos Mancilla at the ice house. And the guy was in line. I literally thought he was making a face. Right? So he's standing in line like this. Like that, right?

And I walked up to him, like that to him. And he goes... It was his face. And I went, oh, fuck. I just walked out. He's still a fan. He's listening to us right now.

I love you anyway. Tell everybody what you said to somebody's son at the comedy store. How did you know about that? You walked into the green room of the main room. I feel so bad about it.

It was very funny to me. It was not. Me and Tom Papa were laughing. I know. So I'm standing there with Shane Gillis and Tim Dillon. And we're in the parking lot. And Sherri Shepherd,

if you don't know Sherri Shepherd, she was on the view. Very funny. Very funny lady. I've known her for 25 years. We've always been friends. And she has her son. So she comes up to me and she's wearing her mask. And I get a lot like,

hey, it's Sherri Shepherd because it's like, I mean, I would already known who she was. It's either her or, you know... Right. Right. So I give Sherri a hug. We have our masks on, right? And her son's wearing a mask,

and he's a shorter black guy. He's young. He's like... He's 14 years old. Yeah, he's a young boy. So I go, what's up, Kevin Hart? Right. He tenses up. He tenses up like this. And then Sherri immediately goes,

well, he's 14, he hasn't been in the club before. You know what I mean? She's trying to like... You know what I mean? And they kind of walk away. And I look at him, I'm blushing. Oh, yeah. And look at him and she and I go, and they're like,

wrong thing to say, man. Yeah. Yeah. Why? That's true. That's what I said. But I thought, I honestly thought, right, that you know how, because when you see a comic...

Yeah. You see someone like Fihim Anwar is perfect. So Fihim Anwar will always be around because I've never seen before, but you just make this assumption that either writers or a comedian... Yeah. It's fucking 1030 on a school night.

Yeah. You know, that can't be that. It's gotta be a comedian. Or her boyfriend. I don't know what her situation. In the mask, I couldn't tell. He kind of looked 14. So I threw it out there

and it reminded me of the fucking thing I did at the lift. Of the face. No, the river in Budapest where I was with Cheyenne and those guys. I told you that story on this podcast. What? I don't think so.

Well, the first day I was there just real quick, I was there. I get a letter from Jamie Lee Curtis saying, tomorrow meet me at noon. So I don't know anybody, so we're having lunch. And Jamie Lee Curtis... I'm with this guy named Cheyenne Jackson and Penn Jillette.

Yeah. And Jamie Lee Curtis goes, we're gonna go by the river. I want to show you something. See, we go to the river. Do you know this story? Yeah. So we go to the river and along the side of the river there's these little bronze shoes

and they're like kind of cemented into the side. And there's probably 60 of them. Paris. And back in during the Holocaust Hitler and his gang. His boys.

They just lined up Jews on the side of the river and shot them and they threw them over the river. Which is really sad. Then Jamie Lee and Cheyenne and a bunch of people are around these pair of shoes that were like a little boys' pair of shoes. And

Cheyenne goes, oh my god, because he has a son. Yeah. He's young. And he goes, um, a little boy. Yeah. And then I go, as loud as I can, it could have been a magic! It could have been a magic! LAUGHTER

And then the group, they don't know me. I had one lunch with them. They all collectively turned their backs on me and walked away. I'm still staring at the shoes. Trying to figure it out if it was a midget or not?

No, no, no. Trying to figure out what in God's green earth I was thinking about saying that. I mean, it's funny. I understand that if I was with a bunch of comics, I think it would have worked. But around actors who were emotional and crying,

I was just like, yeah, you read it wrong. Did I read it wrong? A little bit. Yeah, you think I read it wrong. Okay, well, that's, you know. But you got to try. No, you don't. Because what happened after that is there was 12 times,

I was there for like a month and a half, 12 times where I stopped myself. From making jokes? From making a fucked up joke. Were there no other comics there at all? No, like I would have lunch with all these people, and it would be a window and my gut would go now. Your gut just goes, this is it.

And my body just went, no. And so now everyone on the show now thinks I'm kind of like a clean comic or a nice guy. Could show up on time, smile, maybe be friendly. What? I think maybe deep down they don't. They can feel that you have that dark sense of humor.

I don't even see it as a dark... Not dark, but it's just raw. It's not even raw. It's just like the way I survived as a kid. Yeah. You know what I mean? People would attack me physically or whatever and I would defend myself by saying the most fucked up thing. Yeah.

And that's just the way... That's kind of what comedy is a little bit. I guess. But it's like, I should just know better. You live, you learn. I mean look, dude, you're a young guy. I'm 50 and... Fuck you, asshole. I'm 50 and...

A month. One month. A month. No. Three weeks. Two weeks. No. Next Friday. Next week. I forgot what it is. Yeah. Next Friday. Yeah. Next Friday I am. Oh, yeah. Speaking of which, look at this. I feel like we're all much closer bad friends now

that Bobby has flaked on all of us now. We know he does do his close friends. It's good to know he does do his bad friends. In the Reddit thread. Bobby's birthday party is canceled. Well, it's not our fault. It's not Bobby's fault. What are you supposed to do? Well, why'd you even show me that? I don't have control of that. It's so hurtful.

Hey, fuckface, why'd you show me that? It hurts me. Well, it was a good segue from what we're talking about. I know, but I just want to apologize to people, but it was because of the Delta and all that stuff. No, it's not Delta, it's a new one. Moo. Moo, the Moovirus. Is it Moo? What is it called? MU. Yeah, the Moovirus, yeah. Moo, MU.

But they don't know, like, it sounds scarier. Moovirus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, doesn't it? Coming to theaters this fall. Right. The Moovirus. Yeah. The movie before that was like a Disney. Delta. Yeah. Welcome to Disney, the Delta Virus.

But Moo, they went darker. This is really dark. Yeah. And the next one will be like an A24 film. It'll be like really subversive and weird and off. And people who get it will, like, lose a limb. Like your eyeball will just fall out of your fucking head. Yeah, nether. The nether world. The nether virus.

The nether virus. Yeah, yeah. Nether. Presented by A24. Yeah. And you have to double mask. Triple mask. Triple mask. Six vaccines. And you can only 69. Yeah. You have to 69.

That's the only way you're allowed to sex with people. Genitals can't touch genitals anymore. Only genitals to mouth. That's how you fight the nether virus. Nethers. But it's constantly going to mutate. Yes, it's never going to go away. But are they going to get worse these mutations?

Yes, we're fucked. We're fucked up. We're never going to get away from... No, we're going to die. Everyone will die. Everyone's going to get it, though. Everyone will get it, yeah. A version of it. Yeah, I cannot wait for you guys to get it. Why? I can't wait. Because you got to experience it, dude.

You went through it already. Yeah, you got to live it. You got to do it. You're acting like it's like a ride at Magic Mountain or something. It's a ride of passage. Did you ride the new fucking move virus? I waited in line. Trying to get the fucking skip pass to get up to... I feel like it is a ride of passage somehow, some way.

You know what we got to do, you and I? When you guys get it? No, when amusement parks are open. Oh, let's go. But she has never been. No, she has. She just won't go on it because of fear. Fear of what? So many times we had to go...

I'm falling. You're not going to fall? What do you mean? I'm scared. When's the last time an accident happened at an amusement park? Probably 50 years ago. Yeah. Last accident at amusement park. Rudy, it's got to be so long ago

before the technology three months. Three months ago. Three months ago? Three months ago? No, look down. List of amusement park accidents in the United States. Yeah, but when they have a list like that on Wikipedia or whatever, it can't be a lot.

What's the biggest fear? Upside down? You don't want to go upside down? Yeah. In case you slip out? Yeah. Has someone ever diarrheaed? Oh, I diarrhea every time. Has someone ever diarrheaed? Bobby squirts a little bit, but you mean has someone had a real bad diarrhea accident?

Has someone shit on a roller coaster? Perfect. Did a tourist get diarrhea on a roller coaster and splash 14 people? Wow. Kudos to the ability. Would you be mad? I'd be like 14 of us got it?

That's impressive. I imagine the rides over you have shit all over your face. Woo! Well, you would do that because of the photo. They always do a photo, so you're like I know I have diarrhea in my face, but I don't want to weigh back in that line.

So I'm going to go, hey, you do the face. If we do send you to Kentucky for the wedding, Andres can't go because he's busy. Look at this picture of this guy, by the way. Go to Andres' page. Look at this, dude. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He's fucking soft.

Novo. Look at him. Yeah. Yo, he won the international award, including the DJ for best Latin short. But he's a talented guy. Andres also produces the hit podcast Bad Friends starring comedians Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino.

Is that real? Andres also produced the hit Andres starring comedian Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino. George is not on there. George is not on there. How does that feel? Is he the sole producer?

It feels like betrayal, that's what it feels like. I know, but George, who's the executive producer of Bad Friends? Me and Bryce. It's Andres, according to this fucking article. According to this article? Yeah, he's using me just for more about clout for his regular job, too.

Pete, zoom in on that face. Look at his smug little smile. Look at that. Hello. And look at his lips. When has it ever been that color? Never. This dude put lip gloss on.

So much lip gloss. And he even painted a little bit of facial hair, which I think was cool. He can't grow that. But you know what he is wearing? Look at European shirts he wears. Look at the inner lining of it. Flowers.

The more patterns, the more expensive, bud. Oh, but he's cute there. He is a little babe. We miss our little Andres. Where is he? He's out east doing a thing for the school. He's teaching something in school. Good for him.

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The Robert E. Lee statue was removed from Virginia. Your great, great, great grandfather, Robert E. Lee, his statue was removed from Virginia Street. They took it down. It's funny because people make these jokes on Twitter and stop going, you know? How dare you put Bobby Lee live statue down?

Number one, we don't share the same middle name. His name is Robert. My name is Bobby. He's white and I'm fucking a fat Asian guy. I still think you might have some blood. You think so? Your principles are similar. What do you mean? What do you mean some of his principles?

He was, again, he was pro-slavery. Check. What? Check? Go ahead. He was pro-railroads in the Asians. Check. And he was pro- like pillaging and raping.

Check. Don't even have to finish that. Check. You're the same. You're just like Robert E. Lee, but they tore down his statue. I'd be people bummed. I think certain groups of group people are very bummed. This is the problem with me. I don't, statues are really,

who gives a fuck? I'm not really who gives a fuck guy. There's two things I hate. Statues, or I don't give a fuck. You know also, fountains. That's water. Yeah, I hate it. We're showing off to third world countries. That's all that is. It's like a middle finger to the third world country.

My mother. Look at all this moving water. We used to go to this mall, and there was a fountain in the middle of this mall. And I went to the bathroom. I came back, and my mom had taken, taken her pants. No.

And rolled it all the way up to her fucking ankles. And she's waiting in the fucking, the fucking fountain. And like, you're not supposed to do that? Like who does that? It's not for that. Is it though? But in her Korean mind, she's like picking up the pennies. Yeah, like, look out the money.

You know what I mean? It's like, all these wishes going away, you know what I mean? Yeah, but she's getting all the wishes. That's the original dream catcher. Yeah, my mom used to do that with the wish stealer. She used to sleep, just on the floor. Yeah, it's so good for your back.

Like in the middle of the mall. Yeah, she would just sleep, take a nap in the middle of a fucking mall. It was so embarrassing. Like she doesn't know the rules. Were you with friends when this happened? No, no, no. I didn't have friends then. Really? Yeah.

They don't have... My dad used to be with golf clubs. No, we know, we know, but you're seriously... Your mom would just lay down in the middle of the mall and take a nap? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom backhand me once. I... I was dropped off... I went to a...

camp. Right? Concentration? No. Summer. Oh. Yeah. We applied for a concentration. Didn't get it exactly. You just needed more focus? Yeah. And I remember this... the yellow bus coming back to the school to drop us off. We'd gone for two months. And all the parents were there.

How big was the bus? It was a little kind. Is that a problem? No, it just wasn't a focus. I had to wear a helmet. Is that weird? Bobby! Yeah. And I remember the kids would get off the bus and their parents would be so happy to see them. And they would

pick the kids up, kiss them. You know what I mean? I don't know why I did this. But when I saw my mom, she goes, Bobby, I pushed her. You pushed her out of your way? I pushed her out of the way. Because I thought it was embarrassing. Oh, yeah. Well, how old were you? Nine.

Yeah, that's that age. Yeah. And then I remember on the car ride home, she backhanded me 25 times. In the car? Yeah, just pop as hard as you could. By the way, while she's driving? Yeah, while she's driving. The fact that parents could be like... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And still be able to drive? Yeah, like 25 times. Wow. And I remember looking at the rear-view window. What's with the window on the side? Oh, no, the side mirror. The side mirror. And I remember looking at my face. It was just like bleeding. And I had like fucking my mom's finger like marks on my face.

But you deserved it, didn't you? I think I did. I think that... Another time, my mom, another time, my mom, we were going to go to an amusement park and I was at my cousin Andy's house and I said, get me these pants.

Because I spent the night at my cousin Andy's house and she was going to pick us up and she didn't get the same pants that I wanted. Right? And I go, fuck you, mom. This and that. What? And we ended up not going. Yeah, no shit. Yeah. You don't get to say that. I was a bad kid. How old were you then?

Eleven. And you were saying, fuck you to your mom? Yeah. Bad boy. Yeah. You deserved to get hit. I was a bad kid. But you squared off and it worked out somehow. What do you mean? Well, you're fine. You're not a bad person. Yeah, but you didn't do weird things growing up? A lot of weird shit growing up.

Yeah. But mine was always like we got in trouble for like stealing stuff. We got in trouble for fights or like I brought a gun to school. Like I got in trouble for that. Yeah, yeah. That was bad.

This is preschool shoot. No, it wasn't a real gun. If you and I were like friends back then and we got drunk in a tent, right? Do you think we'd be getting in a fist fight? We'd probably do some gay shit. If you and I were drunk in a tent

we'd probably do some gay shit. That's exactly what I wanted to hear. We would do gay shit today. We can't go gay again on this fucking podcast. We always go gay. That's what this show is. Exactly. So let's talk about it. We're in the tent. But you did experimental gay stuff when you were a kid.

Did you ever have a circle jerk? Yeah, I remember I can't say names, but I remember my parents were going out of town. They were going to San Francisco. And I remember that night I called my friend Alan. I'm not going to say names. He was right away.

Yeah, but he didn't do anything. There's other people that he didn't do anything. Alan just watched? I don't know where Alan went. He was just hiding behind the couch. But we had a bunch of people and somebody brought over a VHS tape of a porn.

And my dad was an alcoholic. We had a liquor cabinet in the living room. Which shots of whiskey and stuff like that. Next thing I know we're all...

No, we're not fucking each other, but we're all jerking off. Somebody just pulled it out and they said You didn't even get a blanket? No, we all just started doing it. Gotta get a blanket. And then I blacked out It's coming so much? No, I don't know what happened.

I distinctly remember it. Five in the morning. So you have my bedroom, right? And when you walk out my bedroom if you take a left and a quick right is where the washer and dryer is. But also there's a bathroom to the left and if you open the door there's a fucking pool.

Somebody please draw that. So in the bathroom to my left I hear something. And I'm kind of sobered up a little bit and kind of wandering the house and I see a figure one figure right?

It's a fucking shower. So I open up the shower and it's a friend of mine he locks eyes with me he's completely naked his penis is erect and he looks at me and he says something that

anywhere I want to get a laugh or a giggle and I don't know why it was funny to me. But instead of going if I'm naked and I'm in a fucking shower and you open the door I'm gonna cover up. That's not what this fool did.

I don't know. This fool looks at me locks eyes with me and he goes I can't come. That poor guy. That's what he said to me. And I remember closing it and going back to my bedroom sorry

and I remember giggling going how long was he in there for four hours I don't know. I can't come. I can't come. Yeah. You didn't help him or nothing at all? No. I just went right to my fucking bedroom. It'd be so funny if he was like I can't come and you're like

yeah yeah Boys do just such gross shit because we're such horny weirdos. Yeah we're weirdos. One time I rode my bike home I was riding my bike home and the way my balls were rubbing on the seat I got a boner on the bike ride home and I pulled over behind this like shed and I just jerked off. Yeah.

Just outside. Yeah. I had to. It was like dusk and it was like near a field. I just jerked off near a field and the shame that you feel the moment that you're done. Yeah. You just want to jump into a fucking hole and disappear. Yeah. I don't know why the universe makes you feel bad after you come.

It makes you I know. What is it because you just everyone's dead? I think it's because it's like you're doing something animalistic right. And there is an empty when you when you unload there isn't

I think a physiological thing that goes on and within the body word site there's an emptiness or you just know that it's out of you. It's gone. And the desire I think God made it that way. Yeah. So that you're not constantly. But you still are constantly doing it.

Yeah but yeah I guess yeah you're right I could probably do it two or three times in a day. In a row maybe. What? If I was 16 and you put a hot chicken in front of me I could do it probably four times in a row. I could do two maybe.

Dude imagine a super model a super model. Right. And I'm 16 imagine right. I've never seen a naked body before right and it would be like I would do it three or four times. Yeah. Yeah I guess that's possible.

Did you ever attend do you ever attend when you masturbated and nothing came out? Well talk about 50 the other night I close your ears. She's not even here. So I talked to my girl

my therapist with my girlfriend yesterday and I'm going to reveal something that I've never revealed to anyone before. I feel like my age has caught up to my sexual drive. Oh man. Do you not want to have sex at all anymore? I can feel it.

Certain things like before if I was at the comedy store and I see a group of girls walking in. Let's say they're wearing summer dresses or skirt. Summer dresses. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

We're here to laugh. And they do twirls. They just do a twirl and the dress is kind of yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that happens all time. And I before I'd be like I would do a memorization of what she looked like. Of what they wore their smells. I just get

certain things. Right. And then later in the night. Right. I would probably jerk off to that. Right. Okay. Now it's like like I'll literally do three steps back and be I would be I'll be sick.

Why? You know, number one, they would even if I was single, they would have no interest in me because I'm old now. Right. And it's just like I don't want to deal with the voices and their opinions. Okay. But even with the person you love, you still don't want to have sex.

No, I do like, you know, but it's like I can see my body. Yeah. Not doing it. So I think I need to be on something. Testosterone. Maybe. Should we get you some tea on the show? I think I need testosterone. Let's get you some testosterone on the show. Because I can

feel it zapping away. Does your penis not stay hard anymore? It also does something weird and I don't even know if I should talk about it on this. Please. Okay. You know when a penis is uncircumcised? I sure do.

Are you? No. So the skin around my penis the loose skin around the head is so loose. The sleeve. The sleeve, right? It's a long sleeve now. It swallows the head. Yeah. But and if I

don't constantly untuck it, right, a smell occurs. Oh boy. Yeah. Like a cheesy smell. Yeah. You got to clean it, bud. I know, but it's like I'm circumcised. So I don't know how to do it. Wait, what? You're circumcised. Yeah.

And you still have sleeve skin? Now because the fucking skin around my shaft is so loose. Oh, no. It's now wrapping over your head. Wrapping over my head. That's what I'm saying. I've never heard this in the history of anything. Well, I'm telling you it's happening. Like if I pull my penis out right now, it'll be wrapped. It's wrapped

around the head. Yeah. I mean, it's keeping it warm. No, it's just that maybe I've played with it so much that the skin's just like ugh. You know what I mean? We're not trying. You know what I mean? That's so sad. It's so sad. So now I'm getting this like cheesy smell out of it. What do you mean?

I don't know. Please let me spread it on the cracker. All right, so now constantly on stage I did it last night. What? I have a technique. Well, there's two things I've been doing. I shouldn't be...

Yeah. Okay. So last night I did it on stage without even and there was a packed room. I took my two fingers like this. I stuck it on my pants and I just... You know what I mean? What? I went... To show people? No.

To adjust. To adjust it because I could see it being engulfed. And I'm sweating on stage. I don't want it to smell. That's why bad friends is excited to announce sleeve backs. Sleeve backs. Pin back your penis skin. But here's the second thing I've been doing. Yeah. I was trying this

and it was working but then it's like I was suffocating my penis. Oh, he couldn't breathe. So what I was doing was my girlfriend's you know, the little thin, where they put tonic... Hair tie? Hair tie. So I've been doubling up the hair tie

and sticking it between the head and the shaft. Get the fuck out of here. No. You're really doing that? I'm doing this. Well, then we need sleeve backs. Right. So then, but it's getting so tight that... It's cutting off. It's suffocated. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

And it's turning all purple and like not getting you know, it's getting too much blood or something. Right. Right. So it's like, I'm like, I don't think that's the right way. You gotta let it... We gotta invent a... Maybe like a sweater or something. If there's any guys out there that have this problem, please write into the Bad Friends show

because we can help create a product. Maybe you can make Cosby Sweater. Imagine... You know what I mean? That type of style. Yeah. Like a koochee sweater. Right. And just put it around the thing so that like his head is constantly... But we gotta make little arms coming out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like in the hand a little pudding pop. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Welcome to Shark Tank. Yeah. Hello, sharks. Today we have an investment... Today we have an investment for you. We'd like ten million dollars for two percent of our company.

Sleeve backs. Hi. Sweaters, sweatshirts to pull back the loose skin on your penis. Bobby? I'm CEO Bobby Lee. Hi. I'm 50 and I'm fat, fat, a fat Asian. And you know, as you know

when you're a fat Asian, right, you masturbate a lot. Yeah. Right. And then you also have to do a lot of tugging down there, if I may say. Cut to Mark Cuban. Yeah. Notting. And so, and what I realized through time, right,

is the skin around, in the shaft area... Droops. It droops. Oh. Right. Yeah. Lori's writing it down. Writing it down, right. Yeah. Droops. Penis skin. So what occurs, you know what I mean, is that the skin engulfs

the head. Good word. Right. That's a good word, right? We'll show a slide of it. Right. Engulf. We just show it. We just were showing it happening. Right. And maybe we'll show, like in Star Wars, you know, that creature, you know what I mean, that sticks his head out of the dirt sand, you know what I mean? And then we'll put it in reverse. Yeah, in reverse.

Yeah, I don't know something like that, right? We might have to get the rights or something. We'll borrow it. We'll borrow it, right? We'll borrow it. So anyway, you like that, you guys like cheese? Yeah. Yeah. We have some samples. I mean, Gorgonzola, and they're like, yeah,

imagine that, but ten times worse. Oh, no. Yeah, around the head of the pee-pee. We've got a solution. Yeah. Bobby? Yeah. Show him what it looks like. You'll pull your penis out, he'll be wearing the Cosby sweater. Right. And then Mark Cuban would be like,

why the Cosby sweater? And then it's like, well, it's fashion. Yeah, it's fashion. It's fashion, Mark Cuban. Yeah, it's there's different, no, we have different eras. Yeah, that's the. We have a gold one that's like sparkly for the 70s. Right. Right. Disco.

Disco dick. We even have a Michael Jackson glove. Right. Michael Jackson glove, right? Right. And then we also have what else do we have? Hip hop. Oh, hip hop. We have a hip hop. It's a hoodie. It's a hoodie. And notice the little chain around the, you know, a gold chain

around the, you know, something like that. What do you think they'll buy this? What do you think? Sharks? Well, by that time. Is she a shark? Yeah. What do you think sharks? Sharks, what do you think? Can it have a Harry Styles

style? You bet. You bet. You bet. You bet. In fact, we have Harry Styles here. Here he comes out. And he has like a watermelon. Like a watermelon sweater. Wearing his own. Yeah, his own thing. So will you buy it? Yes.

Easy money. Yeah, but you don't have to deal with it because you're in your 30s still. Yeah, just almost over though. I know. But when you're 50. Yeah, loose penis skin is not a. When you're 50, it'll happen. I feel like you don't believe me. Can I show you? Yeah, but Rudy can't be in

the room. Yeah, get out of the room. Get out. Let me see what it looks like when it's hiding. Be spoke post. I love. I gave you one of these box of awesome. You know what? It's a love box of awesome. Because when you wake up, wake up, when you open it up and you wake up in the morning. Yeah. And you open up this box, there's stuff in there

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Holy shit. You know what I mean? That's so weird. It's in golfing your whole penis. I know. I've never, ever seen that. I'm not exaggerating for the sake of the show. I've never seen that before. Did you see my tuck? I didn't tuck it in there.

Nothing. It's its natural state. You need to go to the doctor about that. I have a lot of things I have to see the doctor about. There's six things. Are we doing your teeth? That's even, that's eighth. You're not going to go to the dentist soon, no? Yeah, but sorry. Sorry.

Yeah, but I have a list of six things, so I got to figure it out. I'm getting older, so I feel like... That's the scariest thing I've ever seen. I'm not going to lie. Why? It doesn't hurt. No, but it looks like it's wrong. It's definitely wrong. It's wrong. It's not right. Yeah. It's like somebody drew it and you're like, that's wrong.

Yeah, that's wrong. Something's wrong. Yeah, something's definitely wrong there. I'm going to untuck it right now. Two fingers and pull. Yeah, pull. I'm going to show you one of my favorite videos on the internet. Show him Ferrari. Look at this guy. Talk about overcoming adversity, this guy. He's the one here that purchased his Ferrari

in cash after being in a gay relationship that he did not enjoy. After a woman tried to sue him for rape. After his father died. After was totally destroyed. And now, Phoenix from the ashes, guys.

Listen to that confluence of events. Yeah. I was in a gay relationship. He was accused of rape. He was sued for rape. His dad died. But Phoenix from the ashes bought a Ferrari. I love this guy. This guy is unreal.

What's going on with his eyes? He had plastic surgery. Plastic surgery. A lot, a lot. Play one more time for fun just so I can hear this guy. Hey, guys. My dear fragrance army, Jeremy Fraganz here that purchased his Ferrari in cash after being in a gay relationship

that he did not enjoy. After a woman tried to sue him for rape. Stop there. Stop there. Gay relationship he didn't enjoy. Maybe he's not gay. I know. Maybe he's trying. A gay relationship which I did not enjoy. Yeah, yeah.

After a woman sued me for rape. Which I did enjoy. That was the kind of rape. And my dad died. We don't know if he enjoyed that or not. He might have enjoyed his dad's death. But after was totally destroyed. Totally destroyed him.

And now, Phoenix from the ashes, guys. He's got a Ferrari. That's amazing. That's the American dream. That's the American dream. What this guy had. You try a gay relationship. You get sued for rape. Your dad dies.

You get to buy a Ferrari. America. Greatest country on earth. That's what I do love about this country. It's insane. That's insane. I have to suggest something that I've been watching. There's a show on Netflix. A series called Untold.

Have you seen them? No. But I've watched so much shit on Netflix that I don't remember. There's a series called Untold. On Netflix. And there's one on Caitlyn Jenner. But there's one called Crime and Penalties. What is the one about Caitlyn Jenner about?

What's Untold? It goes into... When she killed that woman? No. It's about her Olympics. When Bruce was in the Montreal Olympics. When she was Bruce and he was in the Olympics. It follows her.

All the documentaries follow a sporting event. Oh. Well, then I would love it. You would, but there's one called Crime and Penalties. Is that what it's called? Crime and Penalties. I saw Malice at the palace. Yeah, that's Untold as well.

Oh, I watched that. I didn't know it was Untold. But this one right here, dude, is the funniest one. Who is that? It's his kid named AJ. Galante. When he was 17 years old, his dad was the head of the mafia in Connecticut.

And he just decides to buy him a hockey team. Wait, what? The dad buys him a hockey team? A pro hockey team? No, there's a league like the B League. But there's a whole league there. I want to watch this. And he starts googling.

He doesn't look for stats in terms of how good the players are. Right. He sees what kind of crimes... They've committed? Yeah, if they're violent enough. That's super smart for hockey. Yeah, right.

So the first match they ever play, his dad, the mafia guy, tells the center four. And he's like, I don't know what the reasons are. Sure. As soon as the ref drops a puck, take your gloves off.

Start a fight. And start beating it the shit out of the other guy. And like clockwork, throws it down. So it's ripped fucking chaos. That's amazing. It's one of the funniest documentaries. But it's real. Those people are real.

He had one guy named the Nigerian Nightmare. It's so good. Oh, I want to watch this now. You should watch it. But all these ones, right, are very good. I watched Malice in the Palace. You didn't see that, did you? I love that one. I want you to look this up real fast. Yeah.

Actor pled guilty 650 million. Who? I got sent this today. Who? This is insane. You don't know this man. But this article is going to blow your fucking mind. Actor pleads guilty. Zachary Horowitz has agreed to plead guilty

to operating a $650 million Ponzi scheme. Fake Netflix and HBO deals. He was telling people, investors, that he had all these deals with Netflix and HBO and was fabricating all this fucking information. And he acquired $650 million. How fucking dumb are the people that gave him that kind of money?

That just shows you rich people will just give other people money if you can sucker them. $650 million. He's going to get 20 years in prison and he paid back a quarter of it is what I read. If you read the article. Whenever I hear of Ponzi schemes or the pyramid schemes and all that kind of stuff,

it breaks my heart, especially like old... No, no, no, no, no. He didn't rip off humans. He ripped off multi-millionaires, billionaires. He didn't rip off street people. Yeah, but you would think that like... I'm almost okay with this. You fucked the rich. It's funny.

I know, but I don't understand how like, for me, let's say I was a millionaire, right? And then you were like... What? Let's say I was one. You are a millionaire. You're a millionaire. Look at what Bobby Lee is worth.

That's not a real thing. Yes, it is. Look at what I'm worth. Okay, do what Bobby Lee net worth. Sorry, I got distracted with a little something that actually affects the bad friend's family. What? Andre's worked for this guy.

What? Fancy B worked for this guy? Wait a fucking minute. Dude, I have to call the fans. He might be on an airplane right now, but hopefully he's landed. Holy shit, George. Please answer fans. The Devil Below.

He produced that movie that Fancy did. We promoted that on this show. Oh, wow. Oh, Fancy B off a plane. Fancy. Damn it. Fuck. Oh my god, Fancy worked for this guy.

Do you trust Fancy? Wait, but did the guy come up with money to do it? Bob, he would go to people and lie and be like, I've got a Netflix deal for, you know, a six-picture deal for so-and-so, so-and-so. I need third-party investor funding for these movies and you'll get a percentage kickback.

Like a Hollywood producer. These guys gave him all this money and he would use the Ponzi scheme. He would use their money to fund other lies. But what I'm saying is that is he pocketing the money and not doing anything with it? Or is he doing a couple of productions

to make it seem like... No, no, it seems like he did set up a production house and did one thing with him. That's what I'm saying. So it looks legitimate. But what you do is just push the money around. You push the money from this project to the next one. But in the meantime, he's buying mansions and Ferraris.

That was him, by the way. That was the same guy. I don't get about these because Enron was like that too. The Ponzi scheme in Enron? Yeah, but they were... I don't know what they call it, but they would say that the company is worth this much. It's like almost future predictions.

Yeah, they would inflate their numbers. Right, right. So it's like next year, this is what we're going to be worth. Seven billion. And they didn't actually come up with anything. They just kept doing this. That's for the market. And then they obviously crashed.

And it's... Well, then in those other people, a lot of people got fucked. Fuck. But I just don't mind it when you do this to the rich. I think this is funny, dude. Go back. You telling me he got that many people

to give him 650 million? Horowitz acknowledged that he has failed to pay. So he's paid all back, but 231 million. So he only owes 231 million. Not bad. He can probably scrounge that up somehow. My favorite quote from one of these articles is one of his friends said, I did not think he was smart enough to do this.

Oh, really? How much time is he getting? 20 years made. Faces up to 20 years. You know what that means? Nothing. He'll serve nothing. Yeah, but what I would do is, when you're starting upon this scheme like this, you know inevitably it's going to crash.

Of course. It's going to catch up to you. So the smart guy would... What I would have done is... Should we do one? Think about it, though. If we get into cash, we bury the shit. Like physically bury it.

Yeah, and then you and I know we're going to get 10 years in prison. Yeah. And then when we get out, we'll get the cash that we... How are we going to get all that cash out? When are we going to get it out? How are you going to get out like 20 million, or 231 million from the bank? They're not going to walk you out of there with that kind of stuff.

No, but can't you get like... If I had 251 millions in the bank, I can't get 30 million. You could, but they would cause a thing. They'd be a big thing. Why? Because they'd be curious as to why you want 30 million in cash. They would probably alert...

What's the internet... Interpol, because they'd be like, this guy might be skipping the country. Okay, can you set up some sort of fake charity or something that you can go to? That we could do. Let's set one up. So you have a limp leg. You've had one for years.

We have a charity for you and a limp leg. For good old limp leg over there. Rudy Sunrise. Get a leg up. Get a leg up is our quotation. That's our phrase. Our catchphrase. So Rudy Sunrise, get a leg up.

Donations are going to go to fix her limp legs. So please send to the name right here. You can dance with one leg. You can still dance with one leg. Let's move on. Let's fight between. Let's stick with mine. You can still dance with one leg?

You can still dance with one leg, but get a leg up on it. That's it. Just combine my quote with your quote so that I can feel like I'm contributing. You named it Rudy Sunrise. We're going to put Kairan right here or something to donate. Please donate to the Rudy Sunrise Foundation.

Is there a way, do you know the right guy that can funnel all that and make that happen? Can we liquid in the cash? We bury it. We can't tell these fucking people and they'll know. This is just mock. We'll fake it.

Where's a smart place to bury mine? Chula Vista. Where? We go to the Philippines. We go to the Philippines because they have 6,000 islands. We got to find it. We can go to Duterte.

Is that the name? You like money? I do. We'll give you 5 million in cash. Can we buy a small island? Is that how much islands cost? I don't know.

How much do islands cost in the Philippines? 5 million seems like a fuckload of money for the Philippines. It's an island though. How much land is really there? A million. Let's buy one right now. It's got to be one on sale. Look at those. Beautiful.

Dow island. How much is that? Dow. Can we buy Dow? 49, 47 acres. How much? That says 117 acres. How come they're not going to tell you? They're not going to tell you. It says inquire now top right. You'd have to ask.

Anyway, we get that island. What a beautiful island. That's ours. And then in the center of that, we bury it. How do we keep the money safe while we're gone? Oh, she lives there now. We build her a little hut. With her knives.

This sounds like the actual preemptive beginning of Bottoms of Turtle Island. That's what it is. The prequel. This is the prequel of Bottoms. We were going there to get our money back and she wouldn't let us. She died protecting our money. How about this?

We're in prison. We build her a little shack. You'll have a pool and you'll have all the trimmings in this shack. And you're bored. You have dogs obviously because you get bored. This is missing. Let's say Julio is missing. Right?

You're going Julio, right? And in the distance here. You know him barking, right? That's more of a duck. Dogs don't do that. Yeah, but Julio does. Right? And then he finds, right?

What Julio finds is a fucking one, what do you call it, a tombstone. But with some ancient writing on it. What language? Egyptian. So it makes it weird. Yeah, very weird. Very out of place. There's even an Egyptian figure.

Break dancer? No. You know how they... What is this? Stupid. No. A little chiroglyphic? Chiroglyphics. Is that what they call it? Chiroglyphics.

Chiroglyphic. They have one like this. There's some Egyptian thing, right? Right. But in the thing, right? The hand sticking out of the tombstone. This figure, right? This one, if you push it down.

There's a lever. Right? And there's a spiral staircase that opens. You walk all the way down there, right? And that's maybe one of the portals to hell. Oh shit. There's even a sign.

Right, right. Just so that the people watching the movie... But what language? In English, just to make it in English, we don't have to do subtitles. Portal to hell, right? You go inside that, it changes you. Forever.

We get out of prison. We ring yourself on. Where the fuck is she? We're trying to get our fucking money. If $30 million are hidden in that stupid Dao island. We go into the shack. All we see is skeletons of our dogs. She hates our dogs.

Yes. Julio's maybe barely still alive going... She ate half of Julio. So half of him is dead. Yeah, maybe he's barely alive. He's trying to tell us... She's a demon, she's a demon. Yeah, she's a demon.

That's a parrot doing that. We will have a parrot then. Julio's a parrot now. She's a demon, she's a demon. Bad Rudy, bad Rudy. Bad Rudy, right? And we're going with something bad. What did she do with the dogs?

We don't even give the parrot the acknowledgement that he said it. We just go, I think something bad's going on. She's a demon, something bad, something bad. Rudy's a demon, I think. But we never acknowledge the parrot. Where are all the dogs that were here? She ate him, she ate him, she ate him. She gave us all the hints.

Portal to hell, portal to hell. Is there a little mountain? Yeah, there's a little hill. You make it up the hill in five minutes. It takes me 24 hours because I'm fat. For sure, yeah, physical. So you're like constantly going, come on dude. Like Sisyphus, I have to push you up.

I see a thing here, you know what I mean? An empty... And I finally get up there 24 hours later. And then what happens? You push me in. I push you in the portal to hell. Right, and that's where... Is that part two or what's going on here? I have no idea. Are we rewriting?

Yeah, we have to. We've gone so far. But I push you in the portal to hell, that's the beginning of the film. And that's the vignette. I want to know in this group. Right before I push you in the portal to hell? No, way before.

When we got out of prison. Right when I come, I push you in the portal to hell. We get out of prison the same day, before we go to Dow Island. We didn't do any gay shit in prison, we don't want to... It's in the same prison. The moment we get out. And the taxi ride home.

And I learned so much there. In my prison, I was a toy. I learned how to do 19 dicks at a time. I know how to jerk somebody off with my feet. I'm a master. And you became a Christian. Big time. Yeah, so you never did anything.

So we call each other after we get out of prison. You're like, let's go to Dow Island. No, let's go to the Hilton. No, I want to go to Dow Island. Don't you think we should catch up? Okay. There we go. Thank you. We meet at the Hilton.

And you think there's two rooms. Yeah. I go, no, I just thought... We can talk all night. I got two different beds. They're pushed together though. I know, but I did that. Because I want to talk and I have bad hearing.

Right, right, right. Why are your clothes off? Because, you know... Well, I want to fuck. I guess that's a giveaway. Yeah, that's a dead giveaway. Yeah, I want to fuck. Which is fine, but why is your penis head covered? Oh, because I'm 50.

Just push hard. I don't want that in the movie. That's hilarious. How can we not put that in the movie? Because I want to play younger in the movie. You're not going to be able to, bud. Yeah. What does it matter?

You don't like the cheese smell? That's exactly why. I don't want that. I want to clean it up. Okay, let's call Bobby Lee real fast. Then we got to go. Hello, can you hear me? Can you...what? Yeah, I can hear you. What's up?

Bobby Lee? Yes, yes, yes, this is speaking. I was just talking to a dude. Very, very dark topic. So I'm like on a curve right now. What was the dark topic? Cancer stuff. We love cancer.

I was going on an ayahuasca trip. So that was the great news, actually. Yes, I see. Bobby Lee, you're talking to Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee, you're talking to Bobby Lee. This is amazing. This is a... Bobby Lee, Bobby Lee.

Did you know about me as Bobby Lee before... Have you ever... Did you know there was another Bobby Lee out there? That was a comedian? No, I've known about you for like 20 years. Or longer, not 20 years, but like 10 years. Wow. 2008, back in Pineapple Express.

I was a fan. But let me say this. Were you a fan? Did you really like him or were you just whatever? Well, it's cool. It's so cool. I mean, there's only however many names in the world, and I'm sharing it with them, so that's different. You know, and I'm a huge fan of yours as well.

He's a big MMA fan. Yeah. So, Bobby, what's your record now in the MMA? My record in professional fighting is 12 and 6. What about street fights? Street fights? Oh, technically, like... Only 1 and 0, but there was like... That's great.

Bobby Lee, we support you wholeheartedly as your career continues. We're thinking about sponsoring you. Yeah, Bobby, we think you're the man. We love your name. And maybe we can throw him some bad friend stuff so he can wear bad friend stuff into the ring. We would love to do that. Where do you live right now, Bobby?

I'm in Minneapolis. I moved down just this week to be closer to this really good gym. Oh, cool. You know I used to live in Adina. That's crazy. I did not know that. Yeah. When's your next fight, Bob? It's a week's out. It's October 16th in Phoenix. October 16th in Phoenix.

Watch out for Bobby Lee. He's fighting... Who are you fighting? Nick Brown. Nick Brown. What weight class are you? 155. Amazing. Bobby Lee vs. Nick Brown October 16th.

My birthday, by the way, which I'm excited for for you. So, go kick his ass, Bobby. Thank you for talking to us. We support you, man. I have a shout out to a friend who's listened to every single one of your episodes. Austin Halverson has listened to every single one of your episodes.

He's a huge fan. Shout out to Austin. Alright, Bobby. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks, buddy. Thank you for being a bad friend.