Bad Friends - Boiled Hamburgers w/ Brad Williams

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Somebody's back from out of town. He's tired.

He's sad. He's down. He's drinking coffee. Coffee. Bam-bam-bam-bam. Great. Thanks for coming out to say. Lincoln.

That show was great. What? Exactly. Oh, thank you for coming out. And you were great. Oh, Sacramento. Lincoln, California. What a good show.

Exactly. I didn't know what you were saying. You were like, thanks for thanking. Lincoln. Well, because I was trying to think is it sack or Lincoln. It was. They said it was something else, didn't they?

Didn't they say it was Lincoln? Lincoln. Yeah, yeah. Lincoln Logs. Yeah. So thanks for coming. That was a great show. You were on fire that night.

What do you mean? You killed it. And, um... Okay. What do I mean? You just shrugged me off. No, I didn't. You did.

No, because... Check the tape! I know, but I'll tell you why. Why? Because I'm, because I know if I said what I was going to say, that was going to start a fight, so I didn't say what I was going to say. Say what you were going to say.

I didn't think I had a great set. And now, here we go. That's annoying. So that's why I edited it out. Okay, well, let's go to something better. Fancy was wasted. You were wasted. I've never seen you that drunk.

I've never seen you drunk at all, ever. Hammered. Yeah. You were hammered. One drink. One drink, you're alive. No, no, no, no. I poured you whiskey.

You drank that. Bobby poured you a full glass. But I have to say, on stage, though, you had the two biggest laughs out of even both of us. See? Right? See was, that's a home run. Perfect.

The timing of it. It was so good. So good. What was the second punchline? It was a big one. Yeah, you got one more big pop. You got two pop. It was based on somebody that was on stage.

It was a guy. Personality. Oh, yeah. Personality. Yeah. Personality. I'm one word. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And I looked at you as if to say, you know, congratulations. Sometimes. You hit the ball? Sometimes he really hits it hard. Really huge rippling loud. And because of that, we got a little gift for you here. This says, hey, bad friends, I found this Fancy B special while thrifting and just had to send it along.

Thanks for making all the best podcast on the internet, your number 69 fan Mike. Shout out to Mike. You, of course, gave fancy a shirt. I'm sure he owns. Oh, that was an Israeli flag. It is. Wow. Do you own this shirt?

I do not. That does not look good. You think that looks good? That does not look good. Desiwal. Yeah. It's also double XL, which looks, it looks. Is that a desualuale?

I think so. That's a Dezijuil. What? From a thrift store. Oh, from a thrifty, does it? Imagine on Antiques Roadshow, somebody's like, I found this in an attic. It's a decidual shirt. Yeah.

And they're like, these things are amazing. They're very valuable. You mean 100 years from now? Oh, yeah. Almost nobody wore it. No one wore them. Only one guy from Spain. He was their main and clientele.

Dizzywhal was founded in Barcelona in 1984. By Swiss businessman Thomas Meyer. The brandy generated with the aim of creating a different meaning deseguil. Affordable fashion style that stood out characterized by vibrant colors, patchwork, and bold Mediterranean-inspired designs. It was founded on the concept of upcycling, starting with a jacket made from reassembled patches of used denim. So it's old shit that they threw together

and then sold to you at a premium. Yeah, I mean. Conceptually, it's cool. I think they're using the wrong patterns. Execution is bad. I think the idea is good. It is very good. Yeah, yeah.

Like I can take this, right? And then this and put it into a shirt but necessarily it doesn't look good. Doesn't look good like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to find the right combination, I think. You haven't found your groove. The emperor has yet to find his new groove.

I'll keep trying. But it was incredible. time up in Sacramento. Incredible. And then you immediately come home and you jumped on a flight to go across the country once again. You got to be. I'm exhausted. You're Amelia Earhart, dog. You're flying all over the place. Well, also, it's like, so we finished the show Saturday and then we fly back that night. And then I show up to the airport pretty early and then five hour delay. Five hour? Yeah. I'm going home. GSA. Yeah. So I'm sitting there at the airport. Had not slept, went to Philly, then shoot.

Are they still on strike? Or is it bad on the way back? It's bad. Really? It's bad, yeah. Houston really hard still for weeks. It's five hour a week. Well, I don't care about Houston.

But yeah, but out here... I told Honey to buy me 5,000 smart waters, which is what we're doing. 5,000. Yeah. Smart. Why do you like smart water?

No, no, it's not that I like it. It's just that I have this fear that the world is ending. Right. So I'm going to get seeds. I'm going to do a whole thing. You're going to get seeds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What kind of seeds? Sunflower. Barbecue, ranch. It's all you need to eat. No, I mean, to plant. No. To plant. No.

To plant. Sunflower's part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could chew on those for days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to get that, you know what I mean? Chili lime. The Hispanic one.

I like those. If you plant those, maybe a chili lamb, sunflower seed. Just a Mexican guy grows in your backyard? Yeah. What I'm going to do is I'm going to convert my backyard because I have the, um, that, not asphalt, but the fake grass. What do you call that? Fake grass.

If that's what I call it? I think so. I mean, what do they call it? I mean, turf. Turf. Yeah. I have turf. I'm going to take that out, put real American soil on there.

American soil. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to put American soil on there, man. I'm going to get American seeds. You know what I mean? I'm not girl hummus. I'm not grun hummus, dude. Okay.

You know what I mean? Is that? Is that a Netanyahu joke? Yeah, it is. No, it's not, dude. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing fucking goya.

is goya is goya I think What is going I don't know It just sounds like a Greek thing I don't know Is Hispanic

Yeah I'm not Only American You don't mean vegetables Hot dogs You can't grow hot dogs Pretzels No no

I'm saying Growing vegetables and fruits Well you don't grow hummus Either You don't grow hummus It's a bean It's chickpeas

It's a chickpeas It's a chickpeas How do you get chickpeas You grow it Exactly That's what I'm saying No chickpeas in our house Well no

I mean I'll eat it Like if I'm with You know No it's a American. We're not doing that. No, I love hummus, but I'm just saying, I do love hummus. But look, chickpeas are very easy to grow. Oh, fun. Nutrient dense and drought tolerant legumes that thrive in warm weather maturing in 90 days. All right, I'll get chickpeas. I'll do chickpeas. We'll be hummus boys. Yeah, we'll be hummus boys. But I just think that I have this fear that

something's about to happen. So I'm going to Y2K this. So you think a global, is that the one's right? Yes. Y2K. Yeah. And you know what happened there. Nothing. Yeah. I know. So it's going to be the same result. It doesn't matter, though, because it could have happened. The global food source will be depleted in your opinion in the next couple of years. We're about to run out. Something bad. The straighter-a-humus is closed. We don't know when that's going to open up. Well, just make it crooked then. Crooked the Hermose if we can. Yeah. Stop straightening that thing. Yeah. You know what I should have done? What do I should have done? I'm donated. I'm so tired. You know, 200 years ago, they should just widened into that thing.

But they have no foresight. You know what I mean? But I'm like, hey, we could to make it wider. What, the straight? Yeah, why are there? Be good. Bigger. Yeah? You should have been a civil engineer. I know.

I watched Pluribus again last night, and that is literally what we're kind of what we're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you finish it? Mm-hmm. Gosh, it's pretty good. I got one left, I think. It's a really good show. But we got to watch it in chunks because it's anxiety-inducing, so I can't get through the whole thing at once.

You have no anxiety? Huh? You have no anxiety. I have all of it. About the world. Oh, oh, about the world? Yeah. No, I was, I'm comfortable, dude.

I'm comfortably numb. Oh, you're numb. Like the song. Yeah. I have become comfortably numb. It's a good song. Yeah, you nailed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Doomsday Clock, January 27, 2026, as of this year, was set at 85 seconds to midnight. Closed the clock has ever been to midnight in its history. Wow. Well, speed it up. Push the seconds over. Let's have fun. Yeah, there's a lot of anxiety I feel in the world. I think maybe I'm just like, you know, I mean, a sensitive guy and I just can feel

things, but like, you know, when you walk into a coffee shop and you look at somebody, right, what's wrong? I'm a sensitive guy I can feel things. You're an empath? Is that what you're thinking? Well, I'm dating a witch. You are dating a witch. Yeah, so it rubs off on me.

I know, my eye, I can't see out of my right eye. What are you guys doing? Yeah, yeah. She told me the other night that she can see the future and stuff like that. What does she see? She goes, she stopped doing it because it's like too much, she gets tired. That's her reason I mean she got taught it

You know what I mean That's also not just Look into the future Like look into people's blood And communicate with like spirits and stuff Right And she's like it's I could run a three minute mile

But I just don't want to do it Yeah yeah No but I just don't feel like doing it But I can That's pretty much it Yeah it's ridiculous That's not ridiculous You can do it but you just won't

No you literally can't You can though Physical limit Can you? Can you? A three minute mile No nobody can No one can write

I do a three minute mile. Not you or me. I know, but there are people out in the world that can. Yeah, maybe like mafongo babungo babung. Yeah, yeah, mafungo, he can. He can do it. Well, the girl that I'm dating is the mafungo, mafungo of witches. No human has ever run a three minute mile.

Okay. Wait a minute. She said she could look into the future. I need to hear the rest. Not the future. It's more like she can see things, communicate with spirits and see things in the past. That's the opposite. She's going the wrong way.

Oh, yeah. She's in, wait, dude, she's in that other universe communicating and she's going backwards. And they're like, the information's up here. She took that wrong. I don't know why you guys are laughing at this, you know what I mean, religion. It's absolutely mind-boggling.

Dude, fuck you. It's absolutely mind-boggling me. Shut up. That you would take one's religion and mock it. Witches and magic practitioners often use diviniation such as tarot, runes, or scrying. She's crying all the time, Doc. She's scrying? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. One time her dog, she started scrying, do it? Do I believe. They cry different. They scry. Oh, they cry. Yeah, yeah, they don't, yeah. It's even more painful.

Yeah, so. They float when they cry. Yeah, so, you know, to, we live in a country where we have freedom of religion. That's right. baby best country in the world. And for you to mock one's religion is to me absurd and offending. Time out. It offends me. You're allowed to have the freedom to religion, to any religion. Yeah. I have the freedom of speech to mock your religion. Which religion is this? Yeah. Witch or witchcraft? Which craft is a religion. It is a religion. But I have the freedom of

Buddhism is. Buddhism is it not. Yeah, it is. But we can mock it. That's the whole point of freedom of speech. Wicca, like how. Wiccans. Yeah, Wichens. Yeah. Jetsky grew up. Yeah. But, but. But, you know. What you're saying is contradictory and of it itself. If it's protected religion, then so is speech. So we can make fun of it. That's the point. But it's kind of my religion.

It's not yours. I know. I know it's not, but I want to defend the right. Defend your honor. That people have the right to have their own religion. And people have the right and I'll defend it. And you're laughing. You guys are laughing as if like it's not real.

No, no, no. We're laughing at it. It could be. We're laughing because it's real. That's the God she believes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the goat god. Yeah.

And tell me. I've seen that guy on the bray. before. Yeah. Now, tell me, Carlos, you were at the drawing room at 1.30 in the morning and you saw that. Yeah. In Los Felis, at the drawing room at 1.30, right, McCone? Yeah, yeah, at the end of the fucking bar, you've seen her or whatever that is.

Hey, can I get a drink? Can we buy that girl a drink? I walk here from Echo Park. Right? You've seen. The horned goat lives in Echo Park. I got a great one-bed, one bath. What else does she tell you about the future?

Does she tell us what's coming? Has she given you any insight? Well, you remember I told you that I found your name in my freezer, right? She was putting it in there. No, that's not. Did I tell you that? You told me she made you put it in there to cool me off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, calm down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It didn't work. No. You're hot. The freezer spell involving your name is typically using witchcraft to blind stop or banish a person from causing trouble. Exactly, that's what I was doing. Freezing their negative actions or cold.

I was banishing you, dude. Didn't work. I know, didn't work. I'm un banish. I know. I realized that. I realize that you're unbanishable. Also, I realize that, you know what I mean, you can't be binded.

You can't bound me. Like in Lord of the Rings, that ring? No, nothing on you. No, behind you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what race you are in that world, dude, but you cannot be bound to that ring. Unbound. You're unbound.

Yeah, so that didn't work. You can be stopped. You could, yeah. It'd be stopped. You know what I mean? But it would take, like, you know what I mean? A Russian army, I think to stop you. Don't tempt those guys because they'll do it.

So witchcraft to bind, stop or banish. Yeah, banish. After two, three of those, you can't do Anderson Tino. You know, I tried to freeze your negativity and it didn't work. Also, it was in there for like months. It was between, you know,

like butcher box meat and a frozen pizza. Didn't work. Yeah, I put it between like, you know what I mean? And then like one day we're like, well, eat a pork chop and we lifted it, right? And there was like, Andrews, you know, fucking piece of paper.

Just my face. No, just your name. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I ripped it up. Oh, you ripped it up? Yeah. He's not banished.

Well, that's why I was. back pain that day. Oh, you got black back? Maybe that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow. How.

Bind this motherfucker. Oh, unbound. Yeah. But you know who is a huge soccer fan? I just had no idea. It's Gillis. Oh, is he? Uh-huh.

Love soccer. We were in the van. We had lunch. And, you know, I was watching the Arsenal champions of the game on my phone. He's like, what do you watch it? And I go, Arsenal playing, you know, and he goes, fuck Arsenal.

I go Fuck you Of course I'll say that Because I defend my staff That's your argument That's my argument Yeah Yeah you know me

Who does he follow Can I just finish For a conversation I go What'd you say to me man You said You said that this Rubin was the best thing on the album

It wasn't Because he was like You got to try the Rubin It was okay Anyway He's a man He's a Manchester United fan Thank you

And then I asked him Like specific questions She knew Everything I was mind boggled. He's a big sports fan. But he was like, I've been following them since I was a kid or whatever. Even historically, I was asking

him questions. And Gillis is a man you've had fan, so is. Give me another comic that's a man you fan, you know? I feel like we do know someone that's a man you fan. They have the, they have a tatted on them. He's black. Oh, Ian Edwards. Yep. Yeah. Exactly. He has a tattoo. Doesn't he have a tattoo? Yeah. Couldn't see it anyway.

I know. I could. It was about to come up. Dude, you're so fast today. There's only one list. I'm so tired. You can't be quick today. Okay. Yeah, it's just too, you know? Yeah, it's too, you know what I mean? You talk so fast, sometimes I'm not there. He's just in the laser guns.

It's like those Greenland sharks. You know those fuckers? Have we talked about that? Greenland sharks? Yeah, they live to over 400 years old. Some of them, 500 years old. Really? The Greenland shark, the longest-lived vertebrae on Earth,

studies estimated to live 400 fucking years. They're found in the cold, deepest part of the Arctic and North Atlantic. These sharks, hey, is my ex up there? These sharks grow at a glacial pace for only one centimeter per year reaching maturity around 150 years ago. So they grow up at 150. That's when they're like an adult. What happened historically 400 years ago? Just Google that.

What do you mean? Like what happened right from today? From today 400 years ago. A Greenland shark was born. Do you Google? Yeah, Google that. What happened today, 400 years ago? Yeah, what happened today 400 years ago or this month?

No, just say today. 1526. 14, 400, and McCone, get hit by a bus. What is this? Around 400 years ago, the first recorded Africans arrived in the English colony of Virginia at Point Comfort. Your rut row. Rout row.

A marking a pivotal tragic start to slavery in North America. Roughly 20 enslaved people were traded for supplies. Yeah. Okay. Okay, Greenland shark. Not a good time. Not a good birth time. Yeah, time.

People are on the, you know, me, on the alma start. And the old baby is born. Wow, not good. It's not good. Not good. I'm just saying, though, that they've been around. I mean, imagine there is something alive today that witness, not witness. He wasn't online going, oh, my God, this is an atrocity.

He wasn't like, I got to check this out, you know, he has a baby, you know, but he was still a lot deep in the ocean born when this shit was going on. What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? Are you guys trading and buying humans? I'm going to go back to the depths of the ocean. That's crazy. Imagine interviewing one right now on his deathbed, and he's like,

do you guys still buy humans? You're like, well? Yeah. That's what they look like? Yeah, that's what they look like. They look 400 years. They look 400 years. They look 400 years.

That's crazy. Beautiful, though. It's beautiful. What's the longest species that, what's the longest? That's the longest. That one? Yeah, that's it.

Vertebrate. Yeah, vertebrae. Yeah, yeah. Longest. I'm sure there are plants or trees that are longer, do you think? Yeah. Trees lived, yeah.

The longest lived. individual invertebrate is the ocean quahog, a clam that can live over 500 years. No. Wow. Wow. Oh, or the immortal jellyfish. They put it right there on the name. So, clam.

What happened five years ago, a hundred years ago? Cool, man. Five hundred years ago today. Yeah, yeah. I'm a clam. What did he see? I'm a clam. We're clams.

We're clams. What did we see? What did we see? So tell us what the world was like. Yeah, yeah. Well, it was shaped by the height of the Protestant Reformation and expansion of Spanish Empire. boo.

And the flowering of the Italian Renaissance. Yay. This painting is beautiful. Gorgeous. A clam today was just like, wow, look at the artistry. Well, look at that.

For Magellan. So a clam saw Magellan. Whoa, on the beach, saw Magellan. Yeah. Yeah. What is he doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or me, I'm more of a Columbus guy.

Oh, yeah. Right? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, you're happy about Magellan. I like Magellan. Yeah, I like Columbus.

That was their side. team back then. Yeah, yeah. Are you a diehard Columbus fan? I'm a Magellan guy. The Inca civilization at its peak in South America, stretching from modern-day Colombia to Chile, just before the Spanish conquest in 1533. Another bad thing you've done. So basically what we're finding out through the history of invertebrates and vertebrates,

is you guys are up to no good. Pieces of shit. Pieces of shit. Well, in the Philippines, you guys, oh my God. Oh my God. What did you do? What did you do? Lapu. La-la-lapo. Lapo. You lapalapu did it. Okay, so Google, zoom in real fast. Yeah, what is this? A mortal jellyfish. A glass sponge lives up to 15. thousand years. Whoa.

15,000 years. What happened? What happened 15,000 years ago? I'm a glass. We're glass bunches. All right. Around 15,000 years. Be a glass sponge, dude.

The world was transitioning out of the last ice age. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Using glaciers. Man, is it getting warmer? I can feel my toes. I can feel my toes finally, dude. Oh, dude.

Humans begin transitioning from purely nomadic foraging to living in semi-permanent settlements. Yeah. They are? And the suburbs were born. No, I'm kidding. The use of clay for artistic expression began beads, pendants, rather than just utility. Children's adults were shaping clay reflecting a forgotten chapter and social development.

Wow. It is cool to be the first person. What do you call that? Hammer. We witnessed. Yeah, we saw a hammer. We saw hammer, dude. Getting invented.

That's insane. Hammer in the morning. And that insane? There are glass jelly. What are they called? Glass sponge. Glass sponges that were around when a fucking. Hammer was invented.

The same guy. What do you mean? Glass sponge. Same guy today. Same guy today. Same dude. Yeah, yeah. Same guy.

Same dude is still around. Crazy. Is it boring? I bet he's having a good time. All he's doing is this. Depends on who's visiting him. Have you done this? How long can you do this?

15,000 years. That's insane. But there's no thought. There's no... This is the funniest thing. He literally Googled Glass Sponge. daily life as if they have like a nine to five. Y'all brought it to life.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me daily life of the... Bobby, Bobby, he's got the glass sponge as a get ready with me, TikTok. Get ready for me to float in the ocean again. I have the answer. Sitting in one place, using their silica glass spicules. Oh, whoops, sorry, to filter vast amounts of water

for bacteria and plankton. So they're filtering, they're living fossils. They can live forever and ever and ever. Show me the video of the glass sponge. I'd love to take a look. You know, this is the thing about this show. Is it a poop fart show? Yeah, but do you learn?

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That is Shopify.com slash bad friends. Shopify.com slash bad friends. Maybe this thing. Okay. Which is film peripheral. Is this fancy? Did he do this? My previous job.

Glass sponges are classified in the class hexactinels. They're actually beautiful. Dude. They exist in all ocean. Is he a deer? They're Asian and white. The only two colors back then. That's us.

We started it all. We started it all. Asians and whites. And you know why they're so pretty? You know why about? Because they're untouched. Right. Because no one's fucking with them.

That's why they're pretty. I want to kill one. Strange life. Survival in the dark depths. Oh, look at that. They beautiful geometric shapes they get to form into. The silica structures are so well formed that they can. can transmit light similar to fiber optics. Amazing. Yeah, but here's my argument against this.

Yeah, let's find something negative. I'll say, well, because the difference between that and obviously the Greenland shark is there's no consciousness. It doesn't have a brain, as far as you know, as far as you know, but it doesn't like, you know what I mean, it doesn't have thoughts like, you know what I mean, you know what did dad leave? Where did all my friends go? Yeah, yeah, yeah, or you know what I mean? God, gas prices are so hot. I mean, they don't have thoughts. I mean, They don't have thoughts. And he's like, well, they are doing, we saw what they're doing to Iran.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's no, right? They're not on Twitter, I get it. Greenland shark, you know what they're thinking about? Probably food first. Food for 400 years straight. The second Coachella tickets. No, I'm kidding.

Do you think they got backstage passes? What? The Greenland sharks got backstage passes. You think so? It's like one Greenland shark watching Harry Styles. You just popping stuff. No, so I mean, Greenland shark has a brain and is, right?

Hunting in the dark? They don't have brains? Greenland shirts? All they do is hunt all day. And they have brains, right? So they have thoughts. They don't think much though. How do you know?

It says. They're living purely by instinct, focusing on slow motion, scavenging, opportunistic hunting in the dark. But that every day is a new day to hunt. So it must be fascinating to them because they're approaching new shit all the time. They don't stay in the same place. Do they stay in the same area?

Right. But also, swimmers of their size, they have stealth mode. Stealth mode. But also this, right? It's like they have to know what to eat and what not to eat. So they don't.

They eat everything. You don't have to know. Garbage disposal. It's just like, you know what I mean? A diet, Pepsi can, aluminum can they eat. I mean, that's what instinct is. You don't have to know it. They literally say.

So that's not a thought process. Listen. That's an instinct. Yeah. Despite being apex predators, they're primarily scavengers or garbage disposals with diets that includes seals, polar bears, reindeer, anything. They'll eat anything. They'll eat fucking anything.

Reindeer? Yeah. Reindeer. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where does the same? Rain Deer? Right there. Right? I just... Yeah, yeah, go where... Reindeer. Reindeer.

Reindeer. Santa's after, you know, they drop. Oh, he crashes into the ocean, right? And then Greenland sharks are like, yeah, yeah, go. Like, ho, ho, very good. Every year he kills him. Every 300 years he does this. Right? And he just eats one, huh? What the fuck is that? Oma Tocota? That lives on most Greenland sharks. They just don't care because... Oh, on their eyeballs, right? Yeah, I saw a documentary where they live on the eyeball so they can't even see.

Omatokoeira. Yeah. Omatokaiara is a monotopic genius of Koropabs, the sole species being, however, the specimen has been found on the skin of the great lantern shark, which has been assigned to the genius, but not the species.

But they live in the eyeball. That's amazing. Yeah. That's how much the Greenland shark does it. Both eyes. So the Greenland shark can't see. You mean? Because they got little dudes on their eyes.

Just clean it out. Well, they have no arms. That's the problem. They don't have arms? Oh, dude. No. What's going on down there? They can't wave or anything.

Well, what if one shark just... They can't even wave to their friends. Like, what's up, dude? I haven't seen you in 300 years. Hey, dude, I haven't seen you in 350 years. Where have you been, dude? Oh, it was over there, he says. There, they could blow bubbles.

What if they blew bubbles right on the parasites and got it out of there? Then they can't do it. I mean, I would rub it against like a rock or something. Can you do that? Yeah. Generally rub it against the rock, but I guess they don't even know how to do that. Yeah, they're dumb.

They run on into it. Yeah, they just don't know. Yeah, have a brain, though. Yeah, wouldn't the brain tell them to rub their eye? No. No, because it's like, you know, it's so dark down there? Who gives a fuck? That's what Google says.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so dark down there. You can have whatever on your eyes. It doesn't matter. You mean, you could put peanut butter on your eye. It doesn't even matter. You know. They do have peanut butter down there.

I know they do. A lot. Yeah. But you can do whatever with your eyes. You know what I mean? They can be Asian down there. They don't. No, they are kind of.

Yeah. That's not even. Asian Greenland shark. Get that out. No, I'll leave it in. Yeah, yeah. It's very good. Asian Greenland shark?

Wow. They live forever. They live forever. Who, okay, let me ask you. Oh, look at it. He's eating Udon right there. Yeah. Let me ask you, what's the apex predator in the ocean?

Probably. The one that no one fucks with. The killer whale. That's it, dude. Yeah. You're brilliant. No one can bind you. The killer whale.

Isn't that the house? I'll combine him or banished. Can't be bound. Can't be bound. Can't put me in a freezer. Yeah. Can't put me in a freezer. But, yes, it's the orca.

It's the orca, yeah, the killer whale. The killer whale, dude. Those guys are insane. But not as cool as a sperm whale, which gets up to the size of like, you know, three school buses or whatever. Yeah. Or have you seen an orca pop his head out and look at you? No. Yeah.

I've never had it look at me. Oh, I mean, me either. It's just not on YouTube, but I'm just saying they do it. They'll just pop up, right? With their one eye and look at you to see if something, it's something. something that they want to eat. Oh, fuck. You know what I mean?

And then they go, nah, you know what I mean? And then they pop back down. Can you imagine being eaten by one of those things? Because sharks bite, but they don't always consume. These things eat you whole. Yeah. They're not saying hello there. They're going, can I eat, should I eat you?

I'm going to eat you. Yeah, yeah. How many people get eaten by orcas every year? Not a lot. Let's guess, let's guess, let's guess it before. Seven. You think so? Yeah.

I'm going to go 16. Ooh, okay. All right. Orcas kill zero people a year in the wild. No documented cases Wow They don't like us We don't taste good

Wait a minute For sure I feel like we've heard a story Where someone's been eaten by While orcas are powerful apex predators They do not view humans as prey We only taste good to Jeffrey Dahmer That's the only epic apex predator That we taste

Sitting in the ocean for a long time Waiting for you to take a swim There have been no confirmed records Of wild orcas killing a human Not even researchers That are in the wrong place, wrong time How many people are killed by polar bears every year? Let's guess.

One. It's got to be more than that because researchers get killed on action. I'm saying five. Between 1870 and 2014, there were 73 confirmed polar bear attacks resulting in 20 human deaths. In all that time. Yeah, it's not a lot. Yeah, it's not a lot. It's not a lot.

So it's probably less than one percent-wise. How about dogs? How many people die by dogs every year? Oh, my God. That one's got to be high. High. Guess, guess, guess, guess. Like 100?

No, I'll say 1,200. Holy shit, that's a lot. Yeah. 30 to 50, I was right. That's just the U.S. In the world, we said. 25,000 to 30,000 human deaths annually worldwide. I was closer.

You were way off. We were way off. I know. The majority of these fatalities are caused by transplants. What does that include? Oh, rabies virus. People that get. Ah, no, I'm not like, you know, we're talking about like mauling.

Mall to death is way less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Way less. India accounts for a significant portion of these deaths where high populations is stray dogs contribute to the risk. Right. Those videos you see, there's just dogs. Literally, there's like every human, there's another dog next to them.

Yeah. Dingoes, uh, probably kill people too. They don't. It's a lie. Dingoes don't? No, that was like an old weird. You know the Dingo ate your baby is a falsity. Okay.

The dingoes are just like small dogs. Oh, they are? Yeah, they're little tiny. You didn't see one while we were over there? And I started with Dingo. God, I love Dingo. I love me, dingo. I love me, Dingo.

You're going back to Australia. Are you excited? You're going to go see our boys. Brad and shrimp. Yeah. I can't wait. It's going to be fun down there. Okay, well, that's all our...

Animal talk? Well, no, I mean, because I've been... Because instead of the war, I've been trying to, like, get my algorithm to change to more animal. I've only been watching war. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to do more animal, you know,

around the world, so it's like, you know, trying to change my algorithm on my TikTok because it depresses me. Open up your TikTok right now. What's the first video that you have up there? I don't want to. I'm going to see what my algorithm is. Sean Penn and Zach Alfanacus.

It's rent free in my mind. I'm going to be 37 this year. And I like to think about when my parents were 37. Like stuff like that. Yeah, sick of Greenland shark on her. Yeah. Let me just, yeah, I'll open up and let me hear what this says then.

Yeah, ready? Yeah. Just here, no, see. Oh, it's a guy jumping off of a cliff doing, skydiving. Yeah, yeah. in the city kill yourself

everything is Jesus Christ Whenever you hear those like TikToks I go and I never I disagree every time I disagree

I've never went Yeah that guy was right this is the best burrito No I've never happened Well that's like I saw one today that was uh

boiled hamburgers from 1903 and like they live I was like doing an advertisement for this place and Pete's that's it boiled hamburgers in in Wisconsin

and look at the video of them boiling a hamburger. This guy can't even explain. That's not it. I wish that was the video. The guy can't even explain. They were like, what do they taste like? And he's like, well, good. He couldn't even tell you. Yeah. Boiled hammered. Oh my God. That sounds soggy. So soggy. Oh, my God. There it is right there. No, thank you. Do that one. Celebrating down. Celebrating 115 years of boiled. Yeah, this is the guy. This guy right here? No, no, no. That's the new. He looks like a boiled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at that. They pour water on them the whole time.

Oh, what you're saying is they don't boil the bun. They boil the burger. I thought you thought you thought a hamburger. No, stop, push pause, okay. Boil the bun? You just lied. What? You lied.

What are you talking about? A hamburger is with the bun as well. So you're saying they boil the patty. Yes, that's the part. Well, then just say patty. They also don't boil the cheese or the... Let it. That's what I thought, though.

Well, then that's not a hamburger. Are you the dumbest guy alive? No, no. Are you a liar? When I just said, it's called a boiled hamburger. Right. That's what it's called. Okay, now I'm getting the context of it.

So the meat, so I'm tired. Don't even. No, no, you don't start. Don't try to backtrack out of it. I'm not backtracking out of it, dude. I need to defend my fucking life here, dude. Please? All right.

It's just, in my mind, it's like they boil the hamburger. Now, in my mind, you envision a hamburger. right which just let me finish your hamburger let me finish let me finish let me finish and then they boiled it

yeah yeah so they say they put the fucking bread that's how you thought of it then the meat right then onions cheese you know what relish ketchup right more bread right

and then they boiled the whole thing that's what you thought in my mind I'm like it's so soggy my god so if they boil the meat that doesn't sound that bad

it looks look at it that looks disgusting sloppy it looks like a it looks like a I mean, it's better than boiling the whole thing. Yeah, yeah.

Shouldn't boil the whole thing. So good. Press play. Watch him smash it in the water. Okay. I mean, it's ludicrous. Is that dumb of me, really? Yes.

No, I don't think so. Yeah. No. No. Look at that. Look at that. Press play. Smashing it in the water.

That looks disgusting. Okay. Oh, God, dude. Could you push pause for a second, please? defend this? Can I still try to defend it? Sure. Wiggle your way out of this one. Sometimes, because this is 115 years he's been doing it, right?

Right? Did they not say that? Okay, so sometimes this. All right, just listen to my logic, please. Yeah. Before you, like, mock me and laugh. I already laughed. All right, so because if you do, your name gets back into the freezer. All right, I will try to banish

you again, dude. Where's mine? Anyway. Expellius, Asianus. All right. So, just Can you just listen to my theory here? Sometimes you have to think about it in context. Okay. It's everything. It's everything, right?

So it's like, you know, people go, you know, like music from the 60s, right? I put it in context. Like, this is the beginning of, you know what I mean, stages of rock and roll, you know what I mean? And so when you're listening to it, you listen to it with that context, right? It's not as well produced as like a Harry Styles album, for instance, or whatever, right? So it's like when you go to Felipe's downtown. Love. Great, right?

Great, right? But you put in the context that this has been around for so long and they haven't really changed their menu that much. So you eat it with that context. Like, oh my God, this is like, you know what I mean? The same as it was in the 40s and it's cool. A Greenland shark might have had this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or are those clams? The clams to that. Yeah. So what I'm saying is these boiled hamburgers is the same thing. It's like a nostalgia thing. It's a context thing. Oh, yeah. When they boiled bread back then.

I just, you know. He thought they made the cheeseburger and then they boiled it. It's insane. I know. I know. Now, okay. Now that I think of it. By the way, I agree with him when he goes,

it's got to be soggy. I go, yeah, I'm thinking, yeah, the meat's got to be soggy. He's like, no, the whole thing is sighing. And you know what, bad friends at home? Somebody please make a boiled hamburger and send us a video of you boiling an entire hamburger and send it to Carlos in the booth at gmail.com. Anyway, we, you know, went to Lurries. Lourries.

You said it like a Southern black man. Went down into Lourri. You know me and Lairis. I love Louris. Have you been to Lurys? Lourries. Yeah. Lourish.

Have you been there? Oh, I been? Yeah. So do you know what Lari's is? Right? Have you ever had the seasoned salt Lurys? Lourri's seasoning salt. You know that, right?

So the same year, check out this information. Lourish. The same year that they developed the salt, you know, the guy that invented the salt opened a restaurant in L.A. called Lari's on Lascenica. I can listen to you saying all day. He opened up Lairish. Also, this is day seven of me not smoking cigarettes.

Wow, you make it. So weak of no smoking. I'm so proud of you. But wait, you went to Lowry's. Right, and so, you know. Lowry, like Kyle Lowry. Yeah, yeah, went to Lariari, yeah. Who that, Kyle Laueris?

Anyway, went to Lari's and she's like, what, she goes, there's these, you know, the tin. Yeah. Well, they explain it then. I've been to Lowry's. What is it then? The tin. When I say tin, what do you mean? The tin.

What does it mean? When they cart out the tin. Yeah, yes. Yeah. Yes, exactly. I've been there. So you know what you're talking about? I've been there.

I told you four times. By the way, by the way, I've been there and then I never went back. I don't like it. I like it. You do? Dude, it's also 60% Asians that go there. Well, that's why I don't go. Yeah.

We love it. Yeah. Once a race takes over a place, I'm out. Okay, well, that's crazy. I want it diverse. Okay. So anyway, we go to lorries. You like that.

I backed right into it. Wiggled my way out. You wiggled the way out. Escape room. Racial escape room. Yeah. I don't like it when there's too many Asians, because I like it more diverse. All right, let them out.

So when you, right, normally when you go to any restaurant, right, you know, you order your prime rib. Sure. Right? And it just appears from the back of the kitchen. Right? Somebody prepares it. Somebody boils it back. Yeah, it boils it back there.

So many boils up that prime rib. Go ahead. Okay, in terms of wet bread, you just, you know. This is a good example. What about Yorkshire pudding? That's a wet bread. Yeah, it's not our thing. I know, I'm just saying,

so in my mind, a boiled hamburger, you know, it doesn't sound that preposterous. I'm going home tonight and I'm boiling. Okay, let's let it go. All right, you're at Lowry's.

So we're at Laurys, and she goes, and what happens is you order your prime rib and there's different cuts that you can get. That's right. There's a California cut. Right.

There's a regular cut. I get the Tokyo cut. Of course. Yeah, because it's small. It's a smaller. Catering. their audience. Yeah, yeah. And so you order your cod and also your sides and they bring a little tin cart. And they bind your feet. No, they don't. They don't bind you. So they come with a tin cart,

right? They open it up, right? And they slice it in front of you. Right in front of your face. Right. And they pour all the sides in front of you. A lot of juices. Right. The juice the fuck out of it, right? And you get your crick pudding. Yeah, you do. You right, which is a wet bread. Wet bread. It's a wet bread. Yeah, it's boiled bread. It's boiled bread. And then, you And then she goes, why do they do it like this? I go, it's the nostalgia of it. Yeah. They've been doing it like this since like whatever, the 40s and stuff.

And that's why Asian people like it because it, there's some elegance to it. It's also reminiscent of the past. It kind of reminds you of the shining ballroom in the movie The Shining. You know what I mean? That kind of a vibe. You know what I mean? Gigantic chandeliers, kind of gaudy a little bit. Opulent.

But also dark and it's a really cool place. And the food's great. It's good. Yeah. And it's like, but it's the, it's the ritual of it, right? So when you said it boiled hamburgers. You thought about loud risk. No, I'm just saying, to me, it's like, you know, you know, if they've been doing it,

whatever there's a region of this country for 115 years that way. It was Wisconsin. Yeah. Can you imagine this is the longest, this is the longest. A rebuttal. Yeah, like a court case. The judge would be like, sir, sir, sir, sir. Yeah.

We're throwing the case out. I'm sorry. No, it was very good, though. I think that the reason why Have we talked about me quitting smoking yet or no Last time Go ahead Let's hear it

But why I quit Because it's gonna kill you That's not why Oh yeah yeah yeah that is why That is why Yeah yeah yeah yeah but Oh the black Because your dog

Yeah the spit No no no no The reason why I quit smoking Is because Remy died My dog Long cancer No You can't

No you have Hey man Bob This episode is brought to you by FedEx These days, the power move isn't having a big metallic credit card to drop on the check at a corporate launch. The real power move is leveling up your business with FedEx intelligence and accessing one of the biggest data networks powered by one of the biggest delivery networks. Level up your business with FedEx, the new power move. I'll be out of here smoking it and shit.

Let's have a stick together before we go to the Godby store. No, that's that what happened. Yeah. You have a fucking lung cancer. Your dog has staged for a lung cancer. That would be insane. How many packs is he smoking a day? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But anyway, um... Hey, man. That little bad, will you? There go that brad will you. What's up, man? Go that, go that, go that, go that, go that, go that, Brad William. We thought we'd bring in your furniture from home.

Make you feel comfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, uh, I, I like, I like. I sat in a blue chair in case we're doing agenda reveal. Yeah. All right. Is that a boiled hamburger? A boiled hamburger.

So we've got this stuff. Carlos brought us this stuff. Carlos, why did you bring us this? Yeah, yeah. What is this for? So you could see what it's like to be like Brad. Oh. Oh.

This is what it's like for a tooth brush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So then, man. Wow. Yeah, yeah. It's tough, isn't it? Yeah, it's tough.

Big. I realize how tough it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can still write with this. Well, but you got to use a toothbrush with two hands. Oh, I see.

I said like a really hard scrub. That's the only way it works. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. This is how they polish the pyramids. Remember back in the day? Dwarves didn't.

I wasn't there, but I'm just saying. Wait, dwarves didn't do that? No, we didn't polish. There was one dwarf that worked on the pyramid. How do you, the top one, you got, they send you up there, no? Someone tells me the dwarf was at the bottom. They were like, yeah, get the bottom. Get the bottom.

bottom one. Yeah. It's like, you can lift him to the top to put the little, you know what I mean, the temple part at the top of a pyramid. If you see a dwarf window washer,

he's not doing the top. No, he's on the bottom. He's on the bottom. Oh, you're on the bottom? Yeah. I'm just saying you could be done the bottom.

I've always been a power bottom, Bobby, you know this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On top is fun for you. Is top fun? For window washing or sex?

What are we talking about now? Have you ever been to Jimmy ows? Wait, what? Jimmy ows. Jimmy Yows. Jimmy Yows. It's for men. 5, 8, and under.

Because that's where I get my suits. That's where he gets his suits at Jimmy O's. I didn't know this was a real place. This was never discussed in the meetings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would like to highly recommend Jimmy Ours. They would love you. I'm going to have to go there.

Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. I go there all the time. So, like, I will walk into Jimmy Ours and just be like, wow, I have a challenge for you guys. Yeah. You say five foot eight and under. Let's hit the under.

No, they have it all. They have it all. They have it all there. My dwarf ass? Yeah. Go to Jim. They have a section called your dwarf ass In the back of Jimmy Alas

We already plug this guy so much We're giving him good business I know I mean now he's gonna get Probably Dinglitch goes All my money Wait, dinglitch goes He hates Dinklis

I know I know you know you there Arch nemesis You can't But you're not gonna go at the same time But you guys have like You know what I mean a schedule Aren't you guys on an app Yeah an app where it's like

We can't be here at the same time Two dwarfs can't be at the same time There's only one section for you people Right so that's a lot of traffic Isn't there like an eyed dwarf app? You have to make an appointment, you know what, like when dwarves can come in? Yeah. Okay, so what store?

Wait, wait, go ahead. The dwarf app actually is the same as the car app. Lift. Lift. Very good. It's good. What store has the best dwarf clothing? Oh, the best dwarf clothing.

Yeah. Like Brad's going to go shopping today. Aside from Gap's kids. Yeah. Frotos. What called Frodoos? Let me tell you Let me tell you

Dude that's a great clothing Brotos Dude Yeah Baggins Or the shire Whatever you want to do Let me tell you

That's a good Clothing business I will tell you where the best clothes on Are telling me It's at Plantain Republic Yeah Yeah You guys

Plantain Republic That's really funny Well done. Well done. I will say. All right. The selection at build a bear. It's so great.

I knew it was coming. It's so great. I can be an astronaut. Yeah, yeah. I can be a dancer. That's so funny. I can get whatever I want there. And then we can put a little button in you so you have somebody's voice inside your stomach.

Yeah. I finally have a heartbeat. Yeah. You don't have hearts. Remember the other day you were at the store, I don't know, a couple months ago. And I was like, where'd you get that jacket? It's dope. Yeah.

Bill the bear. I did ask him that. Why'd you laugh at that? They're not for you. I know. I know. That's why Bobby asks. No, I was really, like, I liked your fit that night.

Right? So I was asking you like, where do you get? Like, I feel like, I go, where did you get all that? You know what I mean? And you were explained to me, like, you know a guy. That shirt is great. Where's that shirt from? This shirt is from a kids bowling team.

That's dope. And I just jumped him after a match. Imagine. I know what it was. It was the pants. Oh, the pants? Remember the pants? And you bought a bunch of those.

Yes. Yeah, so that's what it was. Yes. Yeah, if you find something that's good. See, I do that anyway. If I find something I like, buying is a bunch of them. Let's go.

That's what you do. I buy all the coats. You have to. Why? If I like it, it fits. Because I don't like how certain jeans fit or pants. I'm like, I'm just going to buy a few of the. Because you have the opposite problem of me

You have like long legs but then no ass I got a nice ass It's no ass You're out of your fucking mind Are you kidding me? That is Yeah yeah yeah But you're bending over Yeah yeah that's a really good ass

You're sticking it out That's a good ass dude That's booty Yeah but now the pants are pushing it up What about mine? What about mine? All right hold on Let me judge You ask for it I asked for it

No it stand straight up look at it now Look at my ass Okay you know what You know what? Brother I got a great shit You're out of your mind. I stand corrected. I have a nice shitter. I stand corrected.

Only hair at the bottom. Yeah. How'd you do that? Well, look at this. Look inside. Yeah, yeah. It's so pink. Do you have the pink as asshole I've ever seen.

I know. I know. I won an award in 06. You definitely have a virgin asshole. I do, brother. It's like a piglets asshole, this guy. I just never been touched. It's never been touched.

It's never been abused. That's not what I'm saying. The color has nothing to do about asshole abuse. Oh, it has a lot to do. Oh, really? Yours is darkest night. I know.

It's not the black eye. Somebody's punching my fucking asshole. I'm just ethnic. They're punching it with their weeds. No, they're not, dude. No, they're not. It's not black eye. You know who lives in your asshole is the Greenland shark down there.

Who is a darker asshole? The Greenland shark were me. By far, you. Okay. Like, I literally, you have the pinkest asshole I have ever seen. It's so pink. It's insane. I bet you.

Do you shit out your mouth? Because there's no way shit comes out your asshole. You, Brad, you're a genius. You. You must shit out your mouth. You've seen what I do on stage. Yes, I do shit out of my mouth. Are you a little bisexual or no?

No. I've had a, I've had a male, male female threesome. Yeah, the devil's threesome. Yeah. Devils three. Yeah, yeah. That move. The devil's two and a half.

It was a lot of fun. Oh, yeah. We didn't do an Eiffel Tower. We did a leading tower of Pisa. It was a tall guy in me Yeah Yeah It's a tall guy in me

So I've done that I don't know where that put But did you touch the guy at all In any way Yeah but it was accidental Oh yeah yeah There's always accidental rubbing

Yeah Yeah there was Well like we had to Like we had to Like we had to switch positions At one point Right And this is back

I'm gonna just tell you Right now If I ever had sex With you and another girl I'd be laughing So fucking hard I would not be able to get hard Dude

You know how funny that'd be Oh my God You would be hearing the sound of Mario getting a coin every time I thrust. Oh my God, dude. Oh, my God. It's so funny, dude. How, all right, how scared would you be if you were having a threesome and the other male was a dwarf of the male having the bigger dick than you?

Oh. Because that's why I got to give this guy props that had the threesome with me. Yeah. Because, like, he was very confident. And then it turned out, I found out why. But, yeah, you had a big old holl. Can I ask you a serious question if I mean, because we're fucking around. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm going to ask him a serious question? Yeah, of course. Do you think as a comic, like, sometimes I think, you know, like, the reason why, you know, I had the upper hand in comedy was because I'm a smaller, a Korean dude. And it looked the way that I do, right, which sets me apart from other people. Yeah. I mean, do you think that the dwarfism helped you in your comedy? Oh, at first it helped.

Yeah. And then later it hurt. What do you mean? Because at first it helped because... Because of his joints, I mean, they're really... It's hard. I had to walk a long way. Those comedy stools on stage are high.

You know how high the stages? Oh, my God, I had to get a Sherpa for those things. Yeah, yeah. They had to make one of those... Get them up on stage. Go ahead. So, it helped at first. Yeah.

Because then, for the exact reasons that you described, that people wanted something different on the show. They didn't want to just your average straight white, male like just a straight red-headed white guy. Like that's so boring. Yeah. That's just so horrible and boring, even if they do have a nice... Because I believe that it was harder for you.

Let him finish. Yeah. Yeah. But then, so that got me on shows. But then it was harder to get past the threshold of people think I was a gimmick and people to actually like, oh, no, but he's actually funny. Like, he's actually funny. He's on stage and...

I don't know, dude. I think that's your own head saying that because it's like, you know, me... There's a lot of space. There's a lot of space. That's an echo Oh, that's a big old hey When I was on the cruise When I was performing

I thought to myself Brad You would have just disappeared Because he was shaking back and forth Oh my God I love You had gone to the other side Dude I love comedy on cruises Fun right

Fun right fun When it's a theme cruise Yeah Did you do the Jokers One of the Bert's cruise No I did the workaholics guys Oh yeah oh yeah That was really fun

That was me Swartz And it was so much fun That's so cool Yeah yeah I do the Chris Jericho Rock and Wrestling Rager at C. Wow. So that's pro wrestling, comedy, and heavy metal on a boat.

Wow. Do you get to wrestle? Oh, there's clips. Oh, really? Yeah, there is a clip of me giving Hornswoggle a stone cold stunner. You can find that. No fucking way. Yeah.

Oh, he took off your hat? He stole my hat. That's son of a bitch. Gives me the finger. Oh, my God. That was the moment when like Sonic the Hedgehog gets hit and the coins just fly out of him. Yeah, yeah. Me giving another dwarf a stutter.

You got to go down there. It'll take him an hour to get back home. Wow, that sounds so much. That was so much fun. So like, as a wrestling fan, I could tell you, like, the holy shit chant is like one of the best compliments a wrestler can get. And we got that just staring at each other. Oh, wow. Wow, wow.

I didn't have to go through like a table of thumbtacks or anything like that. Look at that. That's a very holy shit moment. Did you practice that? No. Oh, that's instinctual? Felt it in the moment, man. Yeah, and that's a dwarf on dwarf crime.

Okay. Wow. I'd love another of those stats on dwarf on dwarf crime. That's my, look at my favorite thing. You did it, but it was the same height as before. As I'm sitting down, it's the same height. Bro, I have watched dwarves get into actual fights. It is so funny.

Really? It is so funny. So every summer, there's a national dwarf convention. Oh my God, we got to go. We got to go. Where is it? This year, it's Nordorf. This year, it's in Mordor.

That's very good. This year, it's in New Orleans. Oh, wow. We got to go. Yeah. Little Rock. Smallville. Pebbleton.

Go back, go back. The Little People of America and the LPA National Conference. is an annual week-long event providing support education community for people with dwarfism and their families. That's a fun way of saying boning. Last year was, because that's all it's for. Last year was in San Diego. Yeah. Wow.

I went to that one. So the tickets half off. So when you... Stop it, dude. It's only when it's in Minneapolis. Minneapolis! Yes! That's a good one.

That's a really good one. Very good. Yeah. So this year... It should not be in Ireland. If it's in Ireland, we're going to trip some people to fuck out. Yeah, dude. Someone's going to walk out of a pub and go, holy shit.

It's like when the crickets fell from the sky. You know, they see these guys. It's happening. It's a fucking sign of the apocalypse. So click on that thing, the future national. I want to see this. 2026. It's happening in July.

Yep. July. It's in New Orleans. And then 2027, it's in New York, New York. Wow. Wait, why can't we go to this? Is it? If we went, would it be weird or no?

Yeah. Okay. Oh, it would be weird. I mean, we'd be showing off. Yeah. We don't have security guards or anything. Oh, okay. You guys need to grab something from up on a top shelf or something.

We need you guys. But the people that are working there are not dwarves are there or no? I mean, yeah, it's all, it's all volunteers. Everyone working there is dwarves as well. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, so like, is the building smaller? No, it's a regular hotel which always trips me out because there's people staying in this hotel

that don't know there's a dwarf convention going on when they book it and they just show up like, I've hit the fucking. Some guy on a sales trip walks in him. The marquee walks out of the bar, there in the lobby. He's like, fuck. Could you imagine if you did drugs for like the first time and then you woke up the next day? Yeah. At the Marriott? You're surrounded by dwarves.

Tripping on mushroom. I'd be like, holy shit, I fell into Narnia. So how many people go to this convention? Over a thousand. Right. So that's like 300 regular people. Yeah, yeah. A thousand little people go every single year.

And now is this raising money for anything at all? Yeah. So it's a challenge. It's a charity. What does that stand for, LPA? Little People of America. Oh, there is an organization. Yeah.

Little people of America. LPs in America. Wow. And now this is actually, let's be honest. This is similar to summer camps and all that stuff. This is just a hookup convention for young single. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. You go all year and you're in your friend zoned and then you go to a dwarf convention and you're hot as fuck. That's pretty hard. Wow. And it's awesome. Now, were you getting late at these when you were single when you were going to these? Bro. Wait, seriously.

With other dwarves? Bro. Really? Really? I've got stories. Give us a song. I've got story. I've laid waste to some little women.

What was the- So little women turn you on? Yeah. Oh, okay. You're married to you. What do you mean little women turning on? Yeah, why is that funny? Because you acted surprised.

No, I- No, he inquired. No, because I'll tell you why. Because I know some Asian. Asian dudes are attracted to white girls And not attract. Not the same. It is the same.

Traders. No, it's not. The traitors, right? Yeah. Well, he's married to a full-size Asian woman. I understand that. I know her. He's a traitor.

He's a traitor. Yeah, he's not a traitor. That was the point. You cut our traitor. A lot of the dwarf women call me a traitor. Do they really? Yeah. That's insane.

Yeah, this is very true. No, what do you mean? This is the same as like. Black guys. What? It's like black guys with white girls. Yeah. What's up?

Like black dudes when they're with white girls. That doesn't happen. Hey, hey. Who's the traitor to there? You're going to leave them out there? Yeah. Go ahead, let him fly. Oh, no, I don't need help on this because I know it's true.

Okay. Oh, he knows about black. Black women complain that black men or are. With white girls. Oh, right, right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, dude. That's what he means.

I thought he meant he didn't like it. Oh. Oh, no, no, no. I was like. Are you good? Yeah. I didn't read that. But you understand.

That was my boiled hamburger moment. Yeah, yeah. But also he didn't, but also he doesn't like it. But he doesn't like it. No, yeah. What it's worth. Yeah, let's be honest. Yeah, but, okay, how many,

and these are all, you're all a consenting adult. How many little people, how many little women, love that movie? How many little women? How many little women? We should remake it with little women. Why do they not? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How is that not?

How many little women? women in a weekend? It's a weekend? It's a week. It's a full week? Yeah, full week. What was the full take down number of a full week? Of my... How many women did you sleep with? Of my best year? Your best year. I mean, we hit two hands.

No way. Yeah. You're talking one or two a day? Yeah. Wow. Wow. It was fun. Wow. I told you. It's a fuck carnival. Wow. I was fucking Matt Rife at that damn thing. It was great. You hooked up with Matt Rife.

You're the Matt Rife of little people. The Matt Rife of little people. Wow. He's doing crowd work. No, I had a very good time when I was single. God, that's amazing. It was fun. But who do you find more attractive, little people or?

And this sound. Non-little people. Or reachers. Or reachers. Yeah, could we call them reachers? Wait, what's our derogatory names? Reachers, what's the other one you call us? Biggers.

Biggers. Yeah, bigger. Big us. So what do you find more attractive? I say hard ar. You have to say big. I say bigas. Yeah.

I can say biggers. Okay, got it. Don't like you bigger. Yeah. Biggers be crazy. So do you prefer bigas? Biggers or do you prefer little us? Little us, right?

Lilliputians. Lilliputian. I'm just learning this. It sounds crazy, but I truly don't have a preference. Oh, yeah. I truly don't. Because he's been with both women. Yeah.

It's great. I just never had the opportunity to date a little person. Come on, you're Asian. There's plenty. To many women, wait, wait, wait, wait. To many women, you are the little person. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

But you know what I mean, though. Yeah. Yeah, have you had the opportunity? Like, I've never been hit on by a little person or got to go to the convention, man. Yeah, I mean, I've never, I never have. That's kind of crazy. No, I've never been hit on. But I, but because here's the thing, every time I've ever seen.

seen like a little woman, she's with a little man. Yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's like, I've seen many little men in public, little men. I've seen, I don't know, slow down. I've seen, I've seen many male dwarfs in public without women, like by themselves or in a group, but I've almost never seen a dwarf woman with a group of other dwarf women in public out on the town. Why did there needs to be more than one? Do you have a selection? I'm just saying, what do you call that group of four? They're not M&Ms. What do I call them? Yeah.

It's like a murder of crows. I like the green M&Ms. What's a group of dwarves? Is it a coaster of dwarves? I don't know. I don't know, dude. I've never seen it. Carpull.

Look at those girls for a handful of them. I can see like 20 women coming out of a waymo. Bro, there was one time at a convention where there was there was, there was a group. There was a group action going on. Wait a minute. There was an orgy. Yeah. Of little people have a little people orgy.

Yeah. And there was about, but that. LPO's. But that night. LPO's. Stop it, Carlos. Stop it. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

We all slept in the same bed that night, but instead we slept like sideways. Like sardines? We fit. You fit. We fit. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Well, that's the best thing about that convention.

You guys can all share a room. Yeah. Like puppies and stuff. Yeah. Like litter. You call it litter? He told you. It's called a handful.

Handful. Handful of one. Okay. And yeah, yeah, you throw a couple pillows in the bathtub. You can fit three more in there. Wow. You're good. So how many people fit on the bed?

I want to do the math on this. And this is real? What size bed is it? Wait, wait. Wait. It's a king. It's a king hotel bed. Okay, he's going to tell you what is actually real.

Oh, tell me. No jokes. No jokes. No jokes. We always make sure there's either like six or eight of us. Oh, my God. There can't be seven of us. Why?

The animals are starting singing. Yeah, yeah. We do that on purpose. This is like a sleeping white girl. We will literally look around and be like, okay, there's six. If one guy comes up, we're like, you can't come in. You can't come in. Yeah.

Find another. Really, that's lore. It's a lower thing. We don't like it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you don't like it? Yeah, we're, there cannot be seven of us in a room. Wow, that's so funny.

But that's really funny. Nine's fine, though. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally cool. Because of the movie. Yeah, by the way, did you guys see the, the results of the Razzie Awards?

No. No. The CGI Dwarf actors. Oh, that's right. You want me that. Won an award, which I think is, I think is fucking fantastic. that, you know, it was not actual dwarves playing the dwarves. Yeah.

Which I know you have a big gripe with. Are you still mad at that? Yeah, of course I'm still mad at that. I'm just not on a fucking payday, dude. Yeah, yeah. All seven artificial dwarves, all the AI, CGI dwarves got, yeah. Yeah, as we're supporting actor. And Nicholas Cage was up there.

Stephen Dorth, Greg Kinnear, and Sylvester Stallone. Who was Cage? For what? Gunslingers. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. Something he phones it in. Seven CGI dwarves.

used to. One for worst supporting actor, and according to this website, they took home a joint Razzie, stealing yet another award that could have gone to a real-life dwarf actor. Let me ask you something. I could have won that Razzie. Now, if they did use

dwarves in the actual movie and you didn't get the part of the seven, would you be mad? Heartbroken. Oh, yeah. That would be heartbreaking. It's like... Being one of the funniest guys on planet Earth and not getting it? Yeah. Because they're... Right? That would be heartbreaking. It truly would be. It's like, There's not that many of us

Doing the acting. In the acting space, yeah. Yeah. Like how many in the... I would argue there's too many of you in the non-actors. Gotta get you down to one profession. Probably 20, right?

I mean, you see the same guys at every audition. Right. You know, like 50-50 getting it for you. Probably. Yeah, if they used warps. Who's your like Frederick Douglass or... Like, is there a historical figure

that you can go back to? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, who is it? Billy Barty. Billy Barty. That's what I want to know. Look up Billy Barty here.

Billy Barty, he was an actor, and he actually founded Little People of America. He founded LPA. Wow. So all of those orgies happen because of Billy Barty. Yeah, thank you, Billy Barty. That's your MLK. Yeah. Okay, wow.

Yeah. We should at least get a half day off work. Oh, yeah. For his birthday. I had a dream. You're right. He does a speech. I mean, I'd make funnier, but that's kind of what he sounded like.

Billy Barty. Yeah. So that's our guy. Wow, that's your guy. And how long ago did he pass away? How long has he been dead? I don't know. Let me see.

2000, he died. 2000. So you never met him. Oh, no. I met him. You've met Billy Barty. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, he's a great guy. Did you get nervous when you met him? No, because I didn't really know who he was. What? Oh. At the time. He didn't know his social impact. Yeah.

At the time. You didn't. Yeah, and now I know. You blew off Billy Barty. Yeah. He was in Willow? Yeah. He was just...

I remember him, Willow, yeah, yeah. He was the sorcerer. It was like the power to control the universe is in what finger? Was he R2D2 or... No, that was Kenny Baker. Oh, Kenny Baker. Oh, Kenny Baker.

I know way too much. Yeah. No, that's good. You know your history. I think that's important. I got to know my history. They gave us a month, finally. Yeah.

So it's more of a pamphlet, not really old book. So he died. What does it say? Yeah. 76. Is that what he was? Mm-hmm.

But historically, but historically who's your, like, you do have a gang gets con back then? Or, like, oh, like a dwarf. Evil dwarf. Like, there's an evil dwarf back then, like 20, 300, 400 years. I mean, I think. There was one dwarf serial killer. Oh, whoa. This is, dude.

I forget his name. Well, look at this. There's a couple here. There's Tom Thumb, the original Tom Thumb, the original Tom Thumb, Charles Stratton. Yeah. And then there was a. Count Joseph Borowski, a 3-3 Polish, born entertainer musician, author who's Welcome to European Court,

later lived in England, the Ovid's family family, Jewish entertainers, Romania. The Ovid's family, if you gave me unlimited power in Hollywood, I make that movie. The Ovitz family. Yeah, because... Why, why, why, why? They were a family of Jewish dwarves from Romania,

but they were taken to Auschwitz, and they were experimented on, and not all of them survived. Don't do it. Come on. Do it. Don't. Do it, Bobby.

Don't. It's a hat on a hat. Don't do it. I really don't have a joke for it. Don't. Yeah, you don't do it. Don't. Do it to my face.

Don't do it. Look at me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember I have a child. Yeah. Just the little train. Stop it. Do you want?

Is it going to put you guys in the toaster oven? Easy bake. Easy bake. You guys are in dog cages? Yeah, yeah. You heard the ding of the easy bake. You're like, ding, dwarves are done. Oh, my God.

Those are the worst jokes there. The dwarves of Auschwitz. Yep. Wow, that's so fucked up. That's so fucked up. That's the documentary that was. Dude, not, no, the food. No, I'm what to ask.

What are you doing? I'm real, though. Can I be real about it? Right. It's like, you mean, right? They weren't as hungry. I knew it. I knew.

Because it's not as if they give you, like, less bread. They give everyone a slice of bread. We're sitting there like, we're eating good at night, boys. You're just getting, like, give you a proton. We got to starve the dwarves. What do we do? Croutes. Crouteson.

Crouteson is a loaf of bread. What are you going to fuck a loaf of bread? Do you guys get the same amount of food? I don't know. I wasn't there. Okay, all right. That old? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Seven dwarves of Auschwitz. The fact there were seven of them. Oh, wait. Seven dwarfs. That's the original story. That's right from. That is crazy. Remake that Disney and I swear to God if you see if you see GI people.

A seven dwarf Oswald. That's a cool fucking. Wow. That's a cool fucking. They got to make that movie. That's a movie that you should produce. I want to produce it. Yeah.

I just don't have them enough money right now. No, you got to find the rights to it as what you got to do. Yeah. Who has the IP of that? Yeah. Who the hell is John the dwarf? Yeah. John the dwarf, the desert father of early Christianity?

Yeah. John the dwarf. Blame me? A Coptic desert. Yeah, the Coptic Desert father. Yeah. All right. And then there was one dwarf I know who was actually the one that actually mapped like the inside of the human body.

Like one of the first one. Well, because he could crawl in there. Exactly. Get in there. Make one slice and I'm in there. How do you know where the liver is? I've been there. I've been there.

I can tell the tale. I'm so sorry, man. Why? I feel bad. I mean, that's not funny, dude. It's okay. It's so fucked up. It's all right.

You'd see the lump in the chest like from alien? In fact, that's what the motivation for alien was that burst out of the chest. There are five arteries around the heart. There are five arms around the heart. There's five. There's four chambers. God damn. Hold on.

I'm going to find out how many stomachs we have. Yeah, we'll be right back. What do you think he's been in there for so long? Brad, come in with a spraw. Oh, God. Brad, this is why we've been friends for so long. So long. So long.

Because we have the most fun. We love you so much. Damn, dude. Oh, God. And Brad, by the way, for people that want to know, not just a great guy, great comedian, has a special out right now. Please go watch.

It's live. Listen to the title of this. You ready? Yeah. It's real. Tell him the name of the title. Live on Short Street. It was filmed on Short Street.

The theater he filmed that sits on Short Street. Wow. In Lexington, Kentucky. And when does it come out, Brad? April 12th. April 12th. Yeah. April 12th on my YouTube channel.

Go to Brad William's Comedy. You can watch it. Some might argue it's a short film. Okay. Amazing. Yeah. Dude, if that ever won, like, I should make that seven dwarves of Auschwitz, but make it of short film.

Oh my God. Just so we can win best short film at the Oscars. That'd be so good. That'd be so good. He's a little funny? No, he's very funny. Go see the man live right now. Brad, look at them and say thank you for being a bad friend.

Hey, everybody. Thank you for being a bad friend. Wow. So good.