Bad Friends - Bye Bye Brits

Episode Date: July 6, 2020

Bobby gives a brief History of the United States from Magellan to Washington D. Andrews shares his college party stories. Rudy gets help with her Instagram. We all welcome the new members of the Bad Friends FaceApp Family: Ramon, Suzy, & Sheila. Thank you to our Sponsors: http://shipstation.com code: badfriends & http://hellotushy.com/badfriends & https://www.joinhoney.com/badfriends & https://www.babbel.com code: badfriends Subscribe to our YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please. It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob?

Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Why do you think I'm an Asian dude? You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. I went to fucking Houston and he was an emcee. Yeah And he doesn't even introduce himself to me. He just goes he's a Mexican guy and he goes April I go yeah, he goes I'm the number one comic in Texas That's his opening lines big state so I go it's pretty big and I won you know funniest man in Texas or whatever some Oh, he won funniest man

Yeah, oh, yeah, so I go. Okay, and he goes and then this is the what drives me crazy when an emcee says this Dude, I don't even know what I'm doing here. Dude. I'm a headliner. Oh, bro. That's what an annoying Or they go I usually headline. Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing. Why are you not headlining right now? And I am So I go okay So then he goes up and he does a 15 minute bit about fucking old ladies as an emcee. That's my I do that I know that's your closer. That's my biggest closer closer. I go Gladys Get over here. Yeah, I'm ready to give you a gummy

And so I go um after the show I just go dude You because I had a fee at Sarah Tian or somebody love love her, right? So and she's pretty clean, you know, she's she's super clean. It's just kind of like I don't want to follow that That's why I go dude a Bro, you know the way You know it's a or whatever. I go you gotta you can't you gotta clean it up. Yeah He goes what dude? I'm a headliner, bro. I know I don't you gotta be so then he's second show

He doubles down. Yeah, because you yeah, exactly. What you told him not to do Of course, he's gonna do it doubles down. Yeah, and he does a bit about like, you know Foot fucking midgets That's my other Alternative closer this guy that you're gonna open her. Yeah fucking midgets. By the way, that is a funny concept I don't even know the bit but it sounds yeah Anyway, he literally gets upstage and look around the eyes ago. You're fired. Oh Oh, you fired him on the spot. Yeah, did you try to fight you because you can't do that. I just did I just called

Raymond you're gone. I just called and I can go even higher. Yeah, you're done, dude. Bye. Bye Can I can I say something two things one? Happy 4th of July. I hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend. Oh Oh, I hope everyone partied Bobby set off fireworks And Bobby lied to me Bobby said that he was in Joshua tree and it caused a panic I said, hey, dude, we're recording today. Well, and you said you want to be honest. I Called you and I said hey, dude. I Read in an Airbnb in Joshua tree and I completely forgot about it

And then you go you're fucking kidding, right? You're fucking kidding. I don't know dude And then you go no you three three thirty you got to be here and I go I'm not gonna make it you go and then you you got you got Boiley be real what you did You're not being honest about what you did. Hmm. You're I'm a good tell if someone is bullshitting me You are not a good of an actor and you sold it better than I've ever heard you sold sell anything Why because I wasn't in the disaster or is that why is that why is that why watch the game show with Rob Gunn-Krowski and Robbie re Don't make fun of my projects. I won't make fun of your projects. You just make fun of my acting skills It's you're not that good of an actor. So what I'm saying is

No, but listen listen, yeah, you got emotional on the phone and it you suck. I suck. I bought into it I know you then you said you go the whole the whole family's up here and and Jules and the animals and and then I got worried I go fuck they did maybe he took the whole family and they needed to go So you suckered me with emotion. I know I was not believing it until you got emotional. That's called acting That's not good acting. You got you got suckered into it, but I couldn't see you. I could only hear you matter That's how good I am. You're a good voice actor You're a good voice actor. You'd be a great voice actor In fact, there's new slots opening up in Hollywood that white people took of non white roles

I'm on a first of all number one you fucking cock sucker. That's a show number fucking cock sucker I'm on a Netflix show coming out. I'm a regular on what's it called. It's called inside job With Mike a dirty jobs the spin-off with micro. No, no What is it about? It's a bunch of bunch of scientists that work for the government But we're like I don't want to get into it because it's not out yet because you don't know what it is I do know what it is and number two I'm in a Sony movie with called

Wish Dragon with Jackie Chan me John Joe and I want to like the leads. It's a voice-over movie coming out Well, you are so and I've also done, you know, I mean I was on the awesomes, which was a fucking hulu So fuck you dude. I said you're a good voice actor. I can do everything. No, you can't do everything You can't dance. You're not a triple threat. You can't sing or dance. You can act, but you can't sing or dance Period people like the um daddy while you die song. It was because of me. So You lied to me about going to Airbnb and I almost I almost wanted to text Cali let it be like is this fucking real Because that you got me that much that I was like fuck many you guys really go to the fucking desert

Yeah, and then I don't you are you are a great actor. Fuck you. No, no, you I don't give a fuck I don't believe you. I'll never believe you now. I'll never believe you and also I'm doing you a fucking favor by being here right now Okay, so you're doing me a favor because I we came in on an off-day. Yeah. Oh, thank you so much, Bobby Yeah, you're so sweet. I'm sorry to interrupt your Jerk off video games sleep troll schedule. Yeah, you booger a booger. You're a booger. Why because I'm yellow and slimy Yeah, what are you? Yes, fucking this is my month. You're a good guy. Thank you. This is my heart You're a good guy. This is my month. This was this was my celebratory weekend

This is the fourth is the independence of the United States of America pal You know, do you even know what the fourth of July is about? I do know what's it about? It's about when Magellan came here and then no so thirsty for Franco the boat. No Yes, let me finish they came here from the nose also the front of the Franco boat, right? And they hit Plymouth Rock. They didn't hit it. Let me finish Right. Yeah, and then the Susan Marie boat, right? Yeah with the other guy, Colombo Yes, right. They did and they came here, dude, and they fucking gave the Indians the blankets Yeah, keep them warm right and then Washington D came

Yep, right Washington D came dude. Yeah, it became our first president dude That's exactly the proclamation of independence dude. They signed a proclamation of independence. That's right, and that's what happened. Thank you so much We're over Christie from fucking hyena. Do you know do you know what fourth of July is? What it means? I just know that The colonies were fighting the British Parliament and then they won so knows more than you literally knows more than you yeah Not born here knows more than you literally knows more than you. I honestly believe you don't really know what it's about I don't why do we set up fireworks? Do you know what? Do you know what I have no idea?

I have no idea and you know what you're doing you're doing right now, and this is in your nature I'm trying to revoke your car hard trying to get you out of this country pal Won't you go back to where you came from that you like to put people in shame? No, not you I like to call you like to cause trauma I want really to outshine you because of how mean you are to her sometimes I want her to clap back at you I'm so good to her at home. Am I not am I not good to you at home? I'm so good to her at home. Wait. I can I show something of Rudy. I got sent this. This is so fun. Look at This who is that?

Bobby who is that? Do you know who that is? Well that guy shows up every once in my house I think he's like either the gardener or who is this guy? He is sometimes ends up in the key. I sometimes see him in the garage So this is a member. This isn't the newest member of the Lee household. Yes people at home Ramon, this is Ramon Ramon. We want you to meet Ramon. Yeah Ramon Valdez Valdez. He's how old is he? He's about 18 18 or 19. Yeah, and he works with you guys. He does work

He missed just mysteriously appears kind of like a you know a sorcerer. He he just pops up and it's weird I never see him and and Rudy in the same room ever at the same time Rudy. Do you know Ramon? Do you know Ramon well? Have you ever met him? No, you've never met Ramon. Yeah, he's a really nice guy. Apparently he works. Kalaila was saying he's he's He's handy around the house. He fixes stuff. He does fix stuff very nice. He's very sweet loves to make eggs for some reason He's a big egg guy. He's a big egg guy. Yeah, why he's the dogs, which is great, but he likes his egg soft scramble Which is really annoying. Yeah, that's that's the new member Ramon. That's Ramon and Ramon's girlfriend

We have a picture of his girlfriend. This is his girlfriend here. Yeah, that's yeah Yeah, that's Susie. This is Susie Susie Lee. This is Susie Lee. Yeah, and she I Don't remember her She so I know Susie very well people say that she wandered around the house, right, but I don't really recall I don't ever see her. You don't they say that she's yeah, no she she this this is the aunt of Ramon Oh, this is Ramon's aunt. She's the remote Ramon's aunt. Can I tell you something about her? Yeah, very cute She has to one of those little fat faces. You know those little cute little fat faces. Yeah, yeah, and she's got Very nice pudgy little cheeks. I just want to pinch her cute little cheeks mind you. She's 50

She is 50 years old. Yeah, but she looks really good very tight vagina though Really? Yes. Wow. Yes, and one more family member that's added to the new bad friends household Yeah, um this this ladies and gentlemen is I'll tell you this is Sheila Here's Sheila Sheila. She's friends with she's friends with Susie. Yeah, Sheila is good Now you can just tell by looking at this that she is a bitch There's no doubt about it. Yeah. Yeah. She is an awful bitch. You know the first thing comes out of her mouth What I said no tomatoes She's she gets so mad a customer service. She's not a nice person. Yeah

She for some reason she she really does have a hard time Just keeping it together and it could be this fiery red hair. Okay, so let's let's be honest now Okay, no key. This is a face app. Everybody knows this is you this is me I'm gonna and honestly if I was single would I fuck that girl? Would you? Be real. Yeah, you would I think so really? Yeah, do you think she's cute? I wouldn't date her. I wouldn't date her. No, no, no, no, no. If I was in you know, I mean Dayton Dayton, Ohio Playing the funny bone or whatever and I and I should come up to the show and I'm like, hey, I really loved your performance You're so funny. Yeah, I'd just be like, yeah, open your mouth and

Sheila so okay, she what do you think root is Sheila gross? She looks intimidating she looks intimidating who's cuter Sheila or Susie let's side-by-side it who's cuter You like Susie you like Susie that's cuz you're racist. No, let me ask you something. Yeah, if you were single Yeah, would you hook up with Susie if I was single? Okay, let me be honest Susie Susie looks like Okay, her face. This is not about you She looks like she drinks and smokes a little bit too much She looks like she's been she's weathered a few storms and I bet you she'd have she'd have a fun couple of late-night clubs to Go to so yeah, I might take Susie out. Am I gonna call her again? No chance. No, the same with Sheila

Susie looks like these are one-night standards. We are one as a women were these are one-night stand women You know that old racist term that that Vietnam vets say $2. I know all of them. Yeah, $2. Fucky fucky $2. Fucky fucky. This is a dollar 30 She's a dollar 30 fucky fucky. How much am I? I mean, I'm sorry. How much is Sheila Sheila is She looks like a fucking $80 Vegas girl. Really? Yeah, yeah, that makes me feel good. Yeah I'm a dollar 30, but you know what but you know, it's funny when the makeup comes off for both of these girls I know right. Yeah, not good-looking and Ramon by the way Ramon. Let's be real Yeah, is sexy as shit Ramon knows jiu-jitsu. It looks like a Krav Maga. Yeah, a big Krav Maga guy

Dude, he is actually super good-looking. I'm not kidding. I like he is but yeah I've shown this to a few friends that listened to the show. Yeah, and they didn't know who it was I know it's so yeah, it's really it doesn't look like you look like you really it doesn't look like you It's so strange when we did the face-up. We all collapsed on the ground and we laughed hysterically It's it well because it's so good and then you saw and then here's Kalila sent me hers I have hers in here. Where is it? Yeah, no, I found my god. I was Kenny. Where is Kenny? Yeah, I have to find you have it. I have to find I have Kenny I have it, but you know what the funny thing is about the face-up is I didn't have a couple versions of Kenny. Oh, you do yeah

That looks like a dude I used to party with yeah We'll solve the one they just posted what I just sent you. Uh-huh. This is this is a different kid. This is a different version This is so this is this is version. No, no facial hair Kenny. This is Kenny. Yeah, this is serial Killer oh yeah my cell serial killer why so why is this one looks so different? That's what's so unique about the app Yeah, yeah, is that you this this Kenny? Yeah, doesn't look anything like this Kenny Yeah, yeah, but yeah, so I know this guy this guy. I know this I know love Kenny. Yeah, right Kenny Yeah, he goes he only goes to Tony Hinchclott shows Yeah, the right the left looks like he goes to that Tom Seguro show this guy on the left seems like he the guy with

The beard seems like he's just trying to be a bro a little bit too much, but the guy on the right He's a huge Brian Redband man He stands outside of the comedy store and smokes cigarettes and he waits to say one thing to you as you go Goodbye, and he's been practicing over and over. Oh, yeah, but only thing that comes out. He's like You get those a lot yeah You get a lot of they get so fucking drunk I know by the way, that's sad news the store opened and now they're closed again I know because you know the bars are officially closed again

The worst is when you get off stage and somebody goes good set Right. Thanks But you hadn't gone up yet. Ah hurt. Yeah Well, they just mean they like your stuff from no, no, I've seen I've heard guys Yeah, those there's a lot of hangarons at the comedy store sure and say they say shit just that really just irritates me That's why I love what Sebastian Monoscalco does. He just leaves that he doesn't even we don't even know he's there Yeah, he goes his way in you know, he has a separate entrance. You know that right? No, I love that. I know what that I know his route is yeah, he doesn't have to even see anybody he

Uh, that's cuz he wants to go home to his family to he has he has young children. I think he just wants to not Get into a conversation where someone goes dude Canut and he just doesn't have to he gets to avoid all that shit. Yeah, I went to a bar last night Which one with the commissor? No, no, no, I wanted to go to the comedy store Oh, I want I want to go and support and now you can't go anymore But I really did I really made me like heartbroken that they open that bar for the patio and you're like, oh god We can't even go in there. No, I went to just like a neighborhood bar Just to have a drink to get out of the house

You wear a mask. No. Yes, dude. You have to you're you can't even walk inside Well, how did you drink you took the mask down you just pour it on your face No, no, what how do you do it? You you lift it and you drink and you put the mask So what you do is I wish I would have known that when you go to the bar You have to put a mask on you order and then when you go outside to the patio to like a beer garden where tables are Well, they have to ask you for your ID. So then you had to take your go They don't ask my ID. Look at my fucking face. I look like I'm a hundred years old Yeah, I'm old Charleston Heston. Yeah, you look like a Charleston chew

You look like a used candy bar. That's someone chewed up and then spit out. It's fucking rude I Charleston Heston is a very very good actor very handsome. He's dead and he well the image that we have of him is not that he was Handsome you see like you're thinking about old Charleston Heston. That's why you made the joke No, I meant, you know the attitude of like Take the gun from my hands of my own dead body. What is it? From my cold dead hands. Yeah, that's what he said. That's where you'll get this gun So, well, I am like Charleston Heston. I'm a I'm a I'm a proud multiple gun owner

And when I say I own guns, yeah, I own machine guns Handguns are for bitches. I own I own the big ones. Yeah. Yeah, come over. I fuck it on come over and say the wrong thing Wouldn't you love to have a bazooka by the way? I that's the problem. I would that's why RPG. Oh Oh, yeah, yeah, what would you shoot? I? Would shoot on just up the top of my head crows crows No, I would probably shoot like if you could go to the top of the Hollywood sign and you could shoot it at something Where would I would aim it at? Probably toward Brentwood. Why?

Just I know I'll hit somebody I don't like You know what it might hit a bell there on the way over so that But so we were gonna say you went to the bar and then what no I went to the bar I had a couple of drinks. Okay, and then you go with them. I go. I know I went with Sheila So you and Sheila went out and Sheila went out and two fiery redheads don't enter a bar without making a scene Did you know I had anybody you knew? Yes Yes, that's what that's what I'm trying to say. No someone you don't know someone that actually cuts up clips

That works at a company that we've both worked with before off air. I'll tell you that cuts up stand-up clips It was so crazy. I ran into him and his wife and we said hi, and it was so funny. It was like you can't really You know, it's like you can't like you can't hug him. You can't say hello You can't really talk about much. You just be like hey, and then you know You kind of have a little bit of conversation, but you're afraid of like I don't want I don't know. It's weird. It was it was weird. It was not even enjoyable. That's what the bummer was like we had a little bit of fun, but The whole time in your head you're like should I not be here? Is this am I is a stupid?

I mean, it's open and I'm nowhere near anybody. We're sitting at you know You're like outside having a beer by yourself. Yeah, you know this whole thing. I just I don't know where to stand with it It's like it's either You know you have those it's because it's so politicized that you have those that say I'll never wear a mask It's against my you know, yeah Constitutional rights to be free or whatever and you have ones that are super paranoid like we are you know But we is in you guys. Yeah, like my girlfriend. I'm not super paranoid, but it's it's it is a thing that's in my head It's in my head, but you know

It's not gonna go away until we get a fucking Vaccination Rudy. Are you scared? She's one of the most scared for people ever. I'm just careful. That's so what a smart phrase. You're not just careful You're scared. All right, and she just said she's not scared because she won't even let me go get if let me sit down If I when we go back right now, but that's cuz Calila has told her not to let you wander. I Can't go to a Starbucks. Here's why though. You're a little I said it before you're a wild card You wander you may end up somewhere that you don't belong. I just got a test. I Just got a test back COVID test. Did I not it came negative? I know and I've been doing my own shit

I know but but she knows Calila knows that if Rudy lets you get it get away with whatever That you're gonna you'll wander You know, what if you start talking to a squirrel like a Ronan or a fucking hobo? Yeah, you are What do you mean wander little hobo bobo with your little satchel you might walk on the train there? I know I have in I have specific goals in mind when I go out As folks adapt to this changing world, we're all gonna be buying more stuff online than ever before if you're an E-commerce seller. Are you ready to meet the demands of our new delivery culture? Be ready with ship station Shipstations incredible man. We are gonna use ship station when we start making some bay friends march

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We're trying to get our mercy Com the enter and enter offer code bad friends. That's ship station dot com offer code bad friends make ship happen Tushy, let me ask you a question Andrew. Yeah, how do you think my ass also clean? I don't really know because I use to see how you do. I do it cleans everything man I don't even sometimes you use toilet paper. So we have a tushy at our home and we have one here at the bad friend Studio and it is so nice. I got to tell you toilet paper is

Overrated man, dude tushy so great. It is it's for years but days have been Expensive and people don't know anything about them and they're too French or foreign and you're wasting a lot of money for no reason Tushy to me is so a fucking affordable man. It's like for 79 dollars. Yeah, you get a full-blown but day a day at your fucking house Yeah, it's you know, you don't have to fly all the way to Japan because I set mine up You know how dumb I am right? Yes, really dumb. Yeah, no, I know and I set up my own tushy in my own house It's so easy. Yeah, it is you put together It's embarrassing if you don't know how to put it together because it's simply laid out for you

Get rid of all the paper products in your house because you don't need them clogging up your toilet Costing thousands of dollars and pipe repairs and all that and to see and every hello to she um Attachment comes with a 60-day risk-free guarantee and a 12 month warranty whole year a whole year join millions of Happy hello to she customers right now have a clean, but with every flush go to hello to she comm slash bad friends to get 10% off That's hello to she comm slash bad friends. I go I want to get Panda Express or I want to go to Trader Joe's and get you know, I mean my items Yeah, I don't wonder like I don't go. I'm gonna go to Trader Joe's Sephora. Yeah, but you love Sephora

Why don't I love Sephora, but I wouldn't go you know, I mean I want to buy a hammer Right. I know I go to fucking Trader Joe's. I know I have I trust me. I know yeah So you know all I want to tell these ladies in the house is is that I want to go here Just let him go, but they won't let me go because they're scared Right. Okay. Isn't that fine though you occupy then you should move out you want to move in with me? No, do you want to live at my house? Look at me. You want to live with me? You can come live with me. I Already told you before that. I just find the energy of your house to be a little stale for me

And and it's restrictive because there's not crow shit all over the front of my house Do I'm gonna have crow shit and 90 why are you running around? Why do you get defensive because you I'm gonna make fun of you. My house is stale energy. That's tail energy. I'm just trying to get you know I don't know much about words, right? Yeah, so I make things up and I try to get to the so let me just get to what I'm trying to get to Here's what my house feels like to you. It feels clean and organized. No, it seems sterile Office like it is an office. It functions as my home office as well even in the living room It's like the walls are gray or everything like, you know me. First of all, it's blue. So you're not good with color

Are you colorblind? See you're attacking me again. You're attacking my house It's a beautiful house. Then end it there. No, there's candles around Is that bad? Is candles back candles or fuck everybody likes candles? Let me just get to the point did it smell good when you walked in delicious. Yeah, so fucking come on But then I went to the table and there's like not a mark on it. Yeah, my table's in good condition No, but there's not even a mark. There's not even like a stain or a thing. It's like all the chairs are pushed in You know, I mean all the placemats are perfect. It's like the fucking a showroom in Ikea

Is this a twilight zone? It's not a twilight zone If there's something weird whenever I go to a place and things are perfect and things are in place Yeah, something bad's about to go down and what happened we ordered steak and we had a nice night and then you left saying Luckily, I got luckily I went it came fucking well away from it with no cause the dungeon master was out of town But if he was in town, you would have been in the garage or something weird going on in the house So no, I don't want to live there Here's that's so mean Well, you know why my stuff is all nice why because unlike you unlike you

My mommy and daddy didn't let me get away with everything if we fucked up something we would have gotten in trouble for it You got to run amok and fuck up shit Bobby Don't do that and you got to do it and then they're like Bobby and that's it. I Couldn't get away with fucking up shit if I nick the table or dent it up or bumped it up then I get in trouble You're a little run-around loose goose doing whatever you want to do fucking up everything and ruin and stuff. Yeah interesting Yeah, you have no idea the way I was right mommy and daddy let you do whatever you like I'm like the way I am Yeah, it's because I lived in a fucking sweatshop What did you make? No, it's not that it's just like every day. I was either getting beat. Yeah, or molested or something

Yeah, but just here. All right, and My house was so clean like your house. That's why you don't like it. Let me finish Yeah, okay, and everything was so restrictive and you couldn't go to certain rooms at certain times Mm-hmm, and this and that that when I left that house. Yeah, I went the polder opposite I immediately bought a gaming console. I means I got ate a pizza in my new place the apartment I first apartment I ate half a pizza. I just threw it on the ground and left it there for two weeks No, it's not I had to I had to get it out. You had to cleanse it. I had to express myself I understand a real human because yours comes from trauma, but my my organization comes from my my comes from stefford wives bullshit

That I like it neat and it's conditioned. It's taught by whom the by the military Yes, sir. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. There's something about you. That's very militarized. My dad had a military dad Yeah, and you're very like clean-cut and I You know get in line You know I mean and this is the way it's supposed to be words. I'm what they call F R I Free oh, you're free. I'm free as a bird, baby. Are you yeah, you're free as a bird when I went to your place

I love everyone in the house. Yeah, I love your little doggy. Thank you right almost too perfect Well, I sit down what what dog what dog what kind of dog does this an Asian guy? Yeah, what when an Asian guy walks into any house the dog should be a little suspicious But we've trained her well. No, she's also black. He's dumb. She's black. She is black. She's black She's an East LA dog pantera. That's her name. So as Asian guy walks into a house. This dog's never seen this Asian guy He's just on the couch. What is this mysterious dog do? What does she do? She sits right next to me and looks at me with googly eyes Sticks his tongue out and goes pat me. Yeah, right and I will I want to look down as like I'm the

You're lucky that this is the type that came in Because you mean chong chong from fucking you know, I mean, you're the first Asian we've led into the house We only let in white and black people and we don't let in Asians. You're the first one I also knew that too. No, no, that's an energy actually. That's not true. Yeah, Lila's been in my house before you came to my house But when you guys tried to rat me out Mm-hmm when I was relapsing on drugs you guys try to double-team me we didn't double-team you first of all when she came over for Halloween when they were on the way to another party and We talked about you because she was worried about you

You guys were so you know, it's so funny. The reason why the reason why I got sober Yeah, and all this came down was because of you. I know you know that. Yeah, have we talked about that? Not on the show. Yeah, you're the reason why I'm sober now That makes me smile actually. No, it was sabotage. It wasn't sabotage in retrospect It was a blessing in disguise. I was worried at the time. I fucking hated you. I was worried about you. I see this guy Oh my god And then um, but now you know that it's a further it was for the better everything happens for a reason I believe in my books

but Yes, so, you know, I'm sorry for me. Thank you for the invite 20-minute dance around about you not You can't live in the house. It's fine. No, I won't live in the house. Let me backtrack Yeah, thank you so much for the invite. No problem. Although I find your place neatly kept and mysterious In not in the best ways. Mm-hmm. I really appreciate your hospitality. Okay. I had a very delicious meal at your

The table that's never been used before it's get used every day just gets clean just it just gets cleaned Uh-huh, and we have a Rudy in our house thing not a thing. Who's digging up tables. What are you hitting a table with? Do you put a plate down like this? Well, you see yeah, this is like food. I want to say this. Do you ever see? Do you ever see Laura the rings? No, you know, I've never seen one. Okay, so or game of thrones never seen one of them Okay, so I'm gonna teach you something when Vikings, right? Mm-hmm when Vikings my people Exactly, it's not your people because you don't know how to dig a table. So when Vikings When they when they go to a village and they forward, right? Yeah, or they they're victorious in a battle, right?

Right, they always make it to some sort of hall. Yeah, a celebration celebration hall, right and the king stands up and We now hear this we are victorious, right? Yeah, and everyone stands up and they go clonk clonk clonk with their little cantinas, right? Yeah, and they fuck on the table to eat fucking meat off the bone, right the leg bone, right and they go Vladimir come over here. Whatever their name is, right? Yeah, long car come over here And then they fucking they'll do a wrestle and they use their tables because they're full of life And they're full of expression and they're full of artistic energy. Is that what you do on your table? Yes, we do and we're very celebratory at our table. Okay, and and you're this is a you, right? I ring the bell

Right, and then she comes up with some sort of a roast Right with herbs in it You guys love your herbs time time time in rosemary of your Sun Rosemary bring it to the table right and you're walk dark meat or white meat. Oh Ew dark meat Ew Right, and then you know somebody probably slices it with nice utensils. Yeah, Bradley puts it on the thing Yeah, and if let me say so if a piece of meat goes on to the table

It becomes a 911 freak out Karen emergency. Yeah. Hello, police. Yeah There's a piece of roast juice that dripped on my table, right? And I bet you money you guys do this, right? You probably go, you know, honey, I'll do the dishes tonight Do you do that? We do I just we both do it kind of we both share the it's an unspoken sometimes I do I leave the shit on the table. Oh you make you make the way when I do it Do what I leave the shit on the table, and I don't even look at it anymore Yeah, I just it's like as if it's like I throw the fucking a napkin down

And I just I all push the fucking plate away from my body Yeah, I'll just turn my body and I just leave. Yeah, you know, that's uh, and all I hear is cool clean clean And then they're cleaning it right and the whole time they're going this fucking piece of shit Yeah, I'm a man. I'm a real guy. Oh, you're a real man. Yeah, I just said it. Oh, you're so a real man Just leave someone else to clean up their bullshit That's what a little boy does a little bitch boy goes clean up after me. I'm not grown up enough to clean up That's what a bitch boy does. Yeah, a man cleans up. I do sometimes No, I never do it. I never do it. Has he ever cleaned?

He tried last week, but then when I saw the plates You scrubbed and didn't really clean them you just put water on him You wonderful girl you Thank you so much for saying that Hey dear dear dear dogs freak out over the fireworks for real Yeah, they don't freak out. They just I bought my dog. We had to buy my dog a um earmuffs No, we bought her a it's called a thunder blanket. Do you know what that is? I think so thunder blanket Yeah, it kind of like it hugs them so they don't have crazy anxiety because the fireworks are

Fucking insane how many people are lighting off fireworks in LA and it's every night we go for a walk But they're saying that the government is I read this seriously series I read the government's doing it So the get us conditioned to just bang noises. Yeah, I don't think this that's really do you believe that I do you do Yeah, I because I want to look up the story because I read that same thing that You know this this this says the government is doing this to get us used to What is it called not martial law, you know where they were they were they like militant were militant force Look at this large-scale fireworks displays into the evening a Week before the protest still now the middle of June and every night. They're still going on

But you know what's so crazy about this I Conspiracy theorists are fun, I guess and they're you know the goofy people most of them turn out to be real Flat earth real Yeah, I know they proved it this year. I know why I went to the edge you have you've been to the edge I've been to the edge dude of the of the earth. What is it? What does it look like? Well? What happens is I was in the ocean, and I was in my ferry boat. Oh, yeah, I want a ferry You're new one the new one that I have you the other ones bad you know I mean and

Jules been out there with me, right Jules to do yet. Yeah, and with the song that we sing is the Roshas So oh Roshah Roshah Roshah boat. It's my fairy boat Yeah, that's our favorite It's a fairy boat, right so you got to the we got to the edge, and it's like Truman show It just drops off. Well, there's a wall. Oh shit. It's a wall Oh my god, and you what happens is the my ferry boat, right hit the wall, and I looked at Jules I guess I guess back to LA that was you found out the end Yeah, we found the end you didn't want to like figure out if there's a door or anything outside of it like he does

Truman show that's it. Yeah, but um is that true Jules? Did you see the edge of the earth? There was a beautiful at all or no It was plain it was plain much like my house just like your plane house and also guess what honestly You're living in my house. I know but on Honestly, yeah, I'm so proud of her why because two times during this podcast already Yeah, she pulled the mic herself not only that she agreed right She would she normally would go no we didn't go on a boat

You know me now. She's she's getting to play along. Yeah, I honestly I'm about to cry right now Don't Bob don't cry. I'm so proud of her dude. That's that's that dude that right there is like a gun instance Instinctual thing that she got learned from you not just it learned. She just by being on podcast I think she learned just to add information or to agree right I never taught her the rules of improv right they just like twice. She already did that. Yeah. Yeah, you're getting you're getting You're really getting good. He's gonna have her own podcast is gonna supersede this one Are you getting more famous online now by the way? She has like 14,000 followers really? Yeah on our Instagram Isn't that funny that that's more than like certain people that we know I know

Like comics who are like real big comic. Yeah, we're trying to do it for a living I know and she doesn't care. She puts it posted one photo of the dogs. No, there's a photo of the dog I saw this photo. No, she didn't know just we shut up. Just give me a second. Okay, should we bring it up? Bring it up here. Wait a minute. What she oh, oh, go to bad Rudy. Go to bad Ruby Yeah, and then I'll show you the photo that she's she put up this one before this one the one yeah Yeah, look look at this. Oh la la look look don't plush this is oh my gosh look at this one And so Rudy posted this and this is called This is called. Hey, it's me. It's Rudy. Pay attention to me. That's what the title of this is

Hey, it's me. It's Rudy. Pay attention to me Rody Rudy What are you trying to say here young lady? What are you trying to say there? What are you trying to say here young lady? No posts right to like, you know, look at me. Look at me I'm a peacock for people that can't see if you're listening Rudy is Trying to do one of those LA model girls faces And the face looks like you you're either you saw something in the distance and you're scared or you're almost about to fart That's just prefab. No, no, she looks emotional there. Look. Yeah

Sunset is so beautiful. Listen, it's so beautiful that I'm about to on the verge of crying That's what look at that. So beautiful sunset verge of prime. I'm the verge of prime or she's thinking you know me Is that Harry Styles? She loves her so Rudy tell us the what is that? What's the what's the vibe behind this? What was the reasoning of all this? I think a lot of help me with a thirst trap Yeah, yes, so this is so she said you said did you say I want to do a thirst trap for the internet? No, I think oh, I look she did Bad influence bad influence. Yeah, why I'm not gonna say his name

Did we talk about last week? No, I don't know about the guy in school. No There's a boy that you like Yeah, oh boy, okay, so and I know who I had no real his Instagram and whatnot. We're not gonna say his name You've checked him out. Oh, yeah. Okay. Is he cute? Is he cute? You know, he looks like a young weird alien give it Okay, yeah curly hair curly hair, but also just you can tell that he's a funny guy He looks like a young Jewish guy. He does a bit in his Instagram where he goes He just runs into a locker. He like jumps into a locker and falls on the ground. Yeah

You know and and so it's fun. Is he funny to me? It was funny. He's cute. Yeah, and you really like this Well, what happened was Rudy I don't embarrass her, but you were already there. She She started following him and he never followed her back Son of a bitch of a bitch who the fuck does he want to be an actor and he doesn't follow you and he doesn't follow you He's an actor and doesn't follow Rudy and wants to pursue, right? And he doesn't realize that Rudy is more famous than him is more famous than him. Yeah Yeah, which is insane to me. You still like him now I wanted to fucking so I go to the girls. I go. That's it. I'm following him and I'm gonna send him a direct message

Follow my fucking niece back. Did you do it? No, but they're like don't do it. Yeah, that's embarrassed That's embarrassing. It's embarrassing, but also. Yeah Do you do you have you had run-ins with him in this over the summer now? Have you when school is done? Have you talked? Yeah, we talked once tell them that how the tell them the Tell me yeah, and I'm so disappointed in her reaction We were in class us history and then he said something about What are you doing for the project and then I started coughing and then I couldn't talk You got nervous you get so nervous that you started coughing. Yeah, so let me out. Yeah, so, um, Jules, what are you doing for the class?

That's what you did you just got tightened up and then did you say anything or no, that's it She blacked out you blacked it out fucking went to a black hole. Yeah, in her mind. Do you think now he thinks you're a weirdo? No, then you said that he laughs. Oh, okay. I thought it was cute. So he gets it. Yeah, she probably blushed coughed, right? Yeah Yeah, and then blacked out and he went weird You guys are weird But what I wanted to tell her is is that Chinese girls are weird I Yeah, I want to know his name so bad. I'm not gonna say we know I know I mean what what I would love to do is

Just to be listen. Okay What I would love to do is get in contact with him. I wish we could call him on the show I know me too. I wish we could do that because you're not he says he graduated already, right? Yeah, you're never gonna see him again. Oh, he's going to college. Yeah, he's going to college, right? You're never gonna see him again. What school is he going to? Do you know? No, you're never gonna you're not gonna and it's also I'm gonna be honest with you. I know for a fact Right that one day that you're gonna meet somebody so much better much more better than that guy Yeah, right, but I also want to be mindful and know that she's a teenager

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I had many crushes in school. Do you remember your first crush? Well, I had so many of them but one that stood out the most God I can give you I can give you the first time I realized that I liked that I liked girls Like you know the moment as a young boy, but like, you know, there's always a joke is like young you super young boys are like Yeah, we're gonna go kiss a girl. It's like shut up dude fucking. Yeah. Yeah, and at one point I was I was with my dad and we were picking up my cousin from her birthday party at Chuck E cheese Mm-hmm, and I we walked in and I was waiting for my dad to get my cousin and my aunt and I look over and dude I it's as vivid today as it's ever been. It was probably she was probably I was probably, you know, whatever

10 or 11 or whatever. Yeah, she was a Mexican girl She had to been 16 17. She was a high school girl I could tell and I was this young little nerd and she was with you think about her at night Yes, dude, she was with her little sister who was probably around my age. Yeah, right and I look over and I saw this tall girl She was really tall and had this like beautiful dark skin and she looked down I mean she smiled and I swear to God my brain was like I like those things. I Don't know what it was It's just whatever it was it clicked. Yeah. Yeah, and and it just became this like so dark

You know that like dark skin dark hair. Yeah, she was so pretty and her smile looked down I mean, you know when I was a kid, I probably thought she was 40, but she probably was 16 and I was 10 You know when you see older kids, you're like, yeah, what are you 48? You know, they're like, I'm 20 and you're like, oh, whoa What do you own a bank? You know, you know, but that was my first moment of like didn't have a crush on her But I realized I was like, oh man, I like those things. You know, I there's parts of me that misses that young love When you when you like what you? Oh, yeah, when you get a crush so hard. Yeah, it's just it consumes your mind Yeah, 24 hours a day. Well, and you get nervous all the time to talk to him. I remember like um, the first I Got it. I got set up on a date with this girl

Our friends were like you guys need it. You guys need to be a couple. You need to be a couple in junior high I can't say her name. She was the first black girl. I've ever dated and she was the last because they hit too hard, but she was But our friend set us up our mutual friend set us up And then they would call me together and it made me so nervous Yeah, to talk to her with our other friend listening. Yeah, cuz I knew the whole time You're like don't sound stupid don't sound stupid don't sound stupid And you're trying to be cute like you remember being on the phone with somebody until like two three in the morning Oh, my god, you just stay on the phone all night until you fell asleep. You don't do that

Do you guys don't do that stuff, do you? No, because they have text and fucking Instagram and shit because for me when I was 23 I was still Had that high school thing because I never got girls, right? Yeah, so then I remember one time I met this girl and then I opened for Carlos Bencia in San Antonio Mm-hmm, and I remember him yelling at me because I used the condos phone From after the show till nine in the morning And the condo was next to his we could hear me the whole night and the whole night. I'm just like yeah, so what are you eating? Oh, yeah, that I love those yeah avocado young love, right?

It's young love one time. I'm gonna tell you the story. This is so sad So I was a waiter at this restaurant. Which one? It's called the Brockton Villa. Oh in San Diego in La Jolla That's very nice. I know what I know what that is. It's on the Cove. Yeah, and um I worked there for years and there was this girl that I had the biggest crush on in fact I hung out with her every day for about a year in fact as a friend well, I Did you know no, she didn't know about I had this big Crush on her. In fact, I would go to this coffee shop on my off days because at one time I saw her there

Yeah, just and it would stay there all day Just so in case and then if I did what she never came in there again, right? But just in case if I did run into her, I'd be like, oh, what are you doing here? Oh, yeah, do you like coffee? Yeah, yeah, so one night and this is a year every day I would either call her or hang out with her I would ask for shifts that she was working because she was right. Yeah So one day I go she was supposed to hang out with me and I go um What are you doing? And she goes I

Know we were supposed to hang out, but I'm sick. Oh, no, you're not I Go, oh, you're sick. Okay, cool. So then My other friend goes there's this party So I go to the party and then some girl came up to me. She goes. Oh, are you here with so-and-so? She's here Right because she is no she had lied. Oh, no, and she's with someone else. Yes And I'm looking all over the party for her. Oh, it gets worse So then I hear she's in this bedroom Upstairs, yeah, I'm not kidding you and then you in signal. You're like she must be taking a nap at the party. Yeah

Yeah, she might be tired. So I walked in Why would you do that? and she's Hooking up with this guy. Yeah, obviously so I close the door Do you say anything? No, you just walk in and go she saw me though. Yeah. What are you doing? And you go really nice. You're a good door. Yeah. Yeah, right and I remember going out in back of the party and I punched a tree 50 times Because you were just so angry and so hurt. Yeah, and she ended up marrying that guy. Oh, well, then it's worth that kids

Oh, that's worth it. Yeah, did they name they shouldn't name one of their kids Lee? No, but I remember that hurts a lot. I remember still even after Matt TV, uh-huh because she they moved to San Francisco and she would she doesn't look she lives like an outside An hour outside of San Francisco. I remember playing the room there and then she would always drive You know, I mean with her husband. No by herself. Huh to come have lunch with me. That's really sweet. Yeah, she's sweet That's really nice. Yeah, so it started off bad, but it ended really nice I you know with because that event happened right before I did stand-up. Yeah, and I believe that that event Drove me into doing stand-up. Really? Yeah. There was a couple things. I was kicked out of a band Yeah, call last and superb. We've seen we love your relax and superb and then that had happened and then also

I had no money and had no future. I remember sitting at looking at my bank account. It said like 76 cents And I remember just going Gotta call my parents for rent. I have no money. Oh, and then I remember going I have to do something drastic Or this is the life. I'm gonna live. Yeah, just struggling. Yeah, and so without and then I'm never gonna meet anybody Oh God all those feelings of all those feelings of doom I was 22 years old and you were scared. I was scared and then at 23 I walked by the comic store in La Jolla What's her name the first name? I know Anna. Thank you Anna. Thank you Anna, and I walked by the comedy store and The help wanted son and I knocked on the door. That's incredible. That's how it worked for you

Mm-hmm. I'll tell you an embarrassing story that doesn't end so sweet. Tell me my first year in college Yeah, a girl a girl two doors down who I became friends with we all became friends later But I had such a crush on her. I thought she was so cool She was so cool, dude, and she was pretty and she was nice and she was athletic first name. I Give you mine Carrie. Okay It's just she was so cool. Yeah, yeah, and I was nervous I know and I stupidly Stupidly. Yeah wrote a note one night and slid it on it. Stop laughing Rudy. I Wrote a note. I know it's so lame. I wrote a note and I slid it under her dorm door. Okay, did I have a question?

Yes, or no no it basically was like I just want to let you know You know, I think you're so cool and I'd love to hang out sometime and I was so nervous and She never ever told me that she got the note. We never ever talked about poor Andrew We became friends, but did you ever walk by her? We became really close so basically after that She actually dated another friend of ours, right? But after that it was like in the past at some point We all became cool on our floor and hung out. It was real embarrassing. Yeah, it's you know what? I it was really handy. It didn't happen moments. Yeah. Oh, I didn't get your note

Yeah, she probably got it and goes I have to for me to In order for me to move on in life. Yeah, I had to either accept this as reality or pretend it didn't happen And that's what happened. I but I think first of all she showed it to all the other girls making fun of me All the girls on the door floor session Yeah, you know what that stupid red-headed piece of shit loser said you know the fuckable You know what the freak said to me he thinks I'm cute and they're like But you know what I did to get back at some of the girls that were being mean to me on the hall floor a friend of ours worked at Spencer's gifts, you know Spencer's gifts in the mall. Yeah, and back at then they used to sell sex toys, too

I don't know. I don't even know if they do anymore. They don't they did though I know they did yeah, and so they used to sell sex toys and we had a friend get us a bunch of sex toys So we got a bunch of big rubber dildos we used to throw them at people on campus from the bridge Yeah, and at night you're a frat. Huh, you know frat. No, okay at night. This is just me and my guy friends being idiots But at night one of the girls on the hall who was mean to me who would it would end up being friends with a girl that I liked she was just such a dick to me for no reason she was doing laundry and Laundry was the doors were wide open so you could hear the laundry through the halls if it even if a night to be a quiet The dryer I threw a bunch of dildos in the dryer

And turned it on yeah, so for five minutes until everyone woke up. Yeah, and she opened up And she's like what the fuck is it? There's like five dildos inside of her laundry And then we all what I walked out like what's going on? Who would do that? That's nuts Well people what you know what guys don't realize you know how like some people guys, you know like you know We'll snap I don't get any pussy and they'll snap and they'll kill and they'll kill a school I'm all yeah, but but these guys don't realize is we none of us got any yeah when you're when you yeah Yeah, that's a part of growing up is these frustrations of love loss or not being a You don't go to school

You don't know just get on the internet and feverishly masturbate hoping that your college roommate doesn't come home Yeah, did you ever I had those scare you you didn't really go to a college so like I never fuck you well No, you didn't I didn't but I had worries all the time of timing if my roommate was like going out I knew I could masturbate and he'd be like I'm gonna go to the gym for a while I'm like how long is a while? He's like I'm like an hour. I'm like, okay, and like the moment he's gone. It's like But I didn't know but I did live in my early 20s with six guys in San Diego and in a three bedroom apartment Oh two guys to a room. No people lived on the living room. Oh, just spread out. Yeah, right and that we lived with a Christian

Okay with a man with a man of God He was he he was not only just a man devout born again Christian Oh, so he was a redheaded guy. No offense. No offense taken and Alex and then I remember one time coming home from work And he's crying on the couch And I go, what's the matter and in his hand was one of my hustler magazines Oh, you pervert. I know and I go and he gets up and he goes how dare you lay these things around so that I could sin and I go these pages are all stuck together he goes I've been masturbating

Right and he He was also a guy And he blamed me for sinning you made him masturbate right. I just left it like right out in the open in the bathroom or something Oh, yeah, I can't poop without getting a boner. This piece of shit too would get sunny delight Love sunny D. Sunny is delicious. So good and I couldn't afford sunny delight. That's how poor I was. Yeah And but I was so I was steal a sunny delight And he came up to me was excuse me um, I worked very hard and um, you know, I've been saving my money to get the sunny delight

And I go yeah, he goes and I would really appreciate it that if you um, not drink out of my sunny delight And for me to now figure out and I have a system now see this a lot So he would take a black marker and mark every time he had a mark he would drink and mark it idiot Idiot, right because what I would do is fill it with water So eventually it was just water This piece of shit, he still doesn't want to believe it too. He's just like the sunny delight tastes watery But it's still my sunny delight. Yeah, we I lived in a house. I had a

When I first moved out here. Yeah, I lived in a two-bedroom one bath and it was three of us sharing one bathroom. I lived in a old Dining room or partitioned off dining room But my most fun too many guys house was my second year in college We all lived together and we were our house was a constant revolving door of just people coming and going and partying and hanging out And there were no rules that people could just do whatever they wanted That's how kind of all of those houses were in college. Yeah

And one of my buddies this was great We got kicked out of a party because one one guy in our group was trying to gotten to an argument or a fight Uh with some dude, right? Yeah, and my buddy says Everybody says all right, let's get the fuck out of here before something crazy happens We leave we get in the car and we're all fucking we're all shitfaced by the way Bad shouldn't know drinking and driving is bad our driver was sober. I bet but he goes fuck those guys I go. Yeah, it's fucking sucks. We always party over there. That sucks. He goes. I got him good I was like, what did you do? And he just holds up an eight ball a pool ball. He goes. I stole the right ball from their pool table

It's like why what are we gonna? He goes, you know how hard it is to buy one single pool ball And all those fucking idiots are gonna buy a whole new ball pool ball set Really that was his revenge. You know, were you like I was like were you laughing? No, we were like I was like that's cool. But I go. Well, who made you think of that and he goes I just saw it. I was like, I'll fuck it take from them. I'm gonna take a pool ball for that That's pretty cool. They're never they're never they're never gonna know where it went This is the same guy. This is my my old college roommate who the same guy He was so so depressed

He's gonna listen to this he was so depressed that he failed math for like the nth time And we were at a party and he was sitting with his butt on the floor and his back against the couch And he had a handle of jack daniels Sitting in his lap and I go come on man. You're being really weird, man You can't do this kind of stuff at a party like people are gonna be fucking freaked out that like this weirdos Blacked out by himself as I get up. You either got to go home or you got a party with us. Yeah, and he no shit He just goes

And I go, are you gonna throw up and he goes and he looks up in the sky And he bought fountain throws up like two three feet in the sky But I respect him. He held his shirt out and he caught it in his shirt. I'm not kidding I have witnesses in his shirt and he and he goes he goes But take me outside and I have to pick him up and he's wiping puke off Of his shirt and I go you are you gonna go home? He goes? I think it's time. I think it's time to go home This guy was he was he was a the best guy to party with but also Uh like you yeah, who knows what's gonna happen right who knows where it's gonna go

I have a friend i'm nathan. I swear to god. He was in the blue man group Shut up. I swear to god like because the blue man group wasn't it's not always the same guy I know there's a million of there's a million of them, right? Yeah, but he was an alcoholic nathan, right? And my friend calisto tell told me and nathan backed it up. You know my friend calisto. Yeah, yeah, so um Nathan was completely drunk in vegas doing the blue man group And he was a blackout drunk, right and he vomited into his drums, but then he had He had to The colors are getting out of that drum is insane speaking of my friend calisto, so my friend calisto and I lived in silver lake

We had we every day would There's an el pollo loco across the street and we would buy a b Um b rc burrito. What is that bean rice and cheese? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and we would split it in half and that was our meal. There are dollar That was all you could afford. That's all we could afford for the day. Yeah, wow And we would have it was thinking back these arguments like like over the phone bill You know how you would get enraged. Oh, yeah, he'd just be like We live in silver lake

Who calls Santa Monica? Right what are you like what? I'm not paying the 76 cents Like those kind of arguments when you're so poor. Yeah now it'd be like Oh, I don't you know, you don't even look at it. That's 76 cents. Well, there is no phone bill anymore It's I know that doesn't exist before cell phones when you're the arguments of when you're so poor Oh, like the arguments when you're so my first roommate my first roommate ripped up the carpet in our house when I first moved here Yeah, and I and I came home. I said what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, he goes there's wood floors under here, man I was like what the fuck we have to pay for that shit and he's like I know we'll just tell the landlord

There's wood floors, man, and I was like, yeah, dude. We fucking you ripped up the carpet So he was just like, well, I don't know what to do and I was like, I'm not paying a fucking Security deposit. I get all mine back. Yeah. Fuck you. I'm not paying any of that shit crazy arguments when you're poor Yeah, because you're so nervous that it's going to collapse you I mean, I I had panic attacks that they were going to come get my car My first car that I had that I was leasing I was so nervous that I wasn't going to pay the bills that I thought because I'd seen or heard of those things Where they repo your car and they come just take it from you even if your shit's in it

They're like it's ours. I know so I used to have panic attacks in the middle of the night that want because I didn't pay a bill And I was like They're gonna just take my fucking car and then I won't be able to get to my shitty job To make my shitty rent and then they'll kick me out of this place. I used to have those tumbling thoughts every night every single night I had emotional feelings toward objects because of the experiences. Yeah, because they meant so much I I'm not even can you I had a white so when I moved to LA I had a white Toyota truck And you know my friend Jonathan Gossick who was an he was a comic by the way started with

He asked him there were no windows In the truck in the cab. They're all blown out There are no windows. Yeah So you would be in the winter driving down, you know what I mean the 405 You'd be so cold Imagine the wind And I remember I would park at LAX to go on the road

And I'd come back right And I remember one time I came back and there was a One of those locks on the wheels. Oh, oh, they booted you. They booted you out of money. Yeah, I couldn't pay it. No I'm not kidding you I walked up to the truck. I put my hand on the hood and I wept Like as if somebody had died because somebody did die because I would never see that truck again Did you never see it again? No. Oh, because I had to let it go. I couldn't get it back

So I remember going thank you like I remember saying things to it like thank you so much for Tijuana when we went to Tijuana or like all those Remember we got in the car accident. We got away with the we hit that guy. We killed him and no one knows But you and me. Yeah. Yeah, and and I I remember just so many experiences in that truck Yeah, but it means so much and when you're poor it means so much to you. Yeah. Yeah, it's well and you know what what honestly Yeah, that's why my table at my house doesn't have any nicks in it You want me to bring the story around that's exactly why Because I had so little of anything that now you've never I appreciate what my story was

is going through Real life experiences with an object, right? I understand you bought this bullshit thing from Ikea I don't I didn't even write you just threw it in your house. You don't give a fuck about it I picked that table very very delicate. Oh, yeah, what experiences? Oh, we had meals here Yeah, we've had nice conversations there when the pandy broke out. I cried over Italy If I walked you went to your house. I go here. How much was that? Well, let's just say let's just suppose that was three grand the dinner table. Yeah, it wasn't three thousand dollars A thousand whatever it might be. No, what is wrong with you? It was like 20 grand

No, no, I don't know. I don't even remember what if I gave you the 20 grand and I took a fucking You know, it wasn't 20 fucking whatever it was and I take a fucking chainsaw I here's 20 grand and I fucking couldn't have you would not cry No, if you gave me 20 grand, that's so stupid. I could buy 10 new tables. Happy america America the greatest country in the world be blessed. God loves you I'm the best Thank you for being a bad friend Oh

Come on over Don't be scared We're all down to party And fuck the British Yeah, the 4th of July. Yeah, the 4th of July The 4th of July Oh, it's the 4th of July So much poose

I black out Who showed up I begin to shock Wow, fight with my dad Fight with my dad Fight with my dad Make up get drunk fight with my dad Oh, it's the 4th of July

Oh, it's the 4th of July The 4th of July Oh, it's the 4th of July Yeah