Bad Friends - Cancún Special w/ Tom Segura & Jim Jeffries

Episode Date: November 29, 2021

New Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors:  https://www.liquid-iv.com code: BADFRIENDS & http://hellotushy.com/badfriends & http://buffy.co code: BADFRIENDS & https://www.warbyparker.com/badfriends YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriends 0:00 Fancy Faces The Crowd   1:42 Disastrous First Live Show  4:58 Jim Jeffries On Bad Friends  24:42 Tom Segura Joins Our Second Live Show More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andres Rosende & Pete Forthun This podcast episode was sponsored by Candy Crush Sponsorships: on for this episode Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Hola. Bien, bien.

Que tal, amigos? Welcome to our first live bad friends experience. Well, we got Andreas give a round of applause get up on stage hey guys

hey wow Hey, guys. Hey. Wow. Thank you, thank you. I'm not going to lie, my legs are shaking. Thank you all for coming to Mexico to see us. It's our first show live ever, and we're very excited. I didn't realize you guys were here to see me, but thank you.

Yeah. So without further ado, let's introduce the stars of Bad Friends, Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino. You two are bad friends. Who are these two kids? You guys are weird. Andrew, you're good. Have you seen a Korean guy around here? Bobby?

You two are sociopaths. You two are freaks. Oh, good. You two are back together. You guys are freaks. You are bad friends. We're bad friends. That's my opener. Viva la Mexico!

Viva, viva! Hey, hey, let's see who can do a longer goal. Let me go first, though. All right. All right? Go ahead. Is a goal G-O-A-L? I said viva La Mexico

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Bad Friends Live We're here in Mexico We've never done this We're so happy to be in Cancun We're so happy to be here We're so happy to be in Cancun. Oh, we're so happy to be here. Well, we're an hour south of, we're so happy to be an hour south of Cancun. Yeah.

I feel really loose this week, guys. Yeah, I might hook up with a stranger. No. No. Maybe a black guy. A black guy? Yeah. Are there any single black men here

that want to have sex with Bobby Lee? Right in the front row. I see one black guy. A black guy? Yeah. Are there any single black men here that want to have sex with Bobby Lee? Right in the front row. One black guy right there. Sir, can you stand up? Can you stand up in ways? He's married. He's married. Hold on. Hold on. Excuse me, sir. Stand back up. What is your name, sir?

All right. Lock eyes with me, Tommy. I know. I heard it the first time. Feels good, Tommy? Thank you. I don't think Tommy's interested at all in having sex with you. Thank you so much for coming. We have a special guest that we don't want to waste any more time without

because he's fucking incredible. He is incredible. He's from England. He's not from England. He's from Australia. He's got a fancy accent. He does have a fancy accent. Yeah.

Do you want to introduce our guest? Oh, yeah. He's from England? No, he's from Australia. And he, I don't know much about him, but here's what I do know about him. Yeah. He's been really nice to me. That's nice, right?

That's nice. And number two, he knows Brad Pitt. I don't know if I should say that. He knows Brad Pitt. He knows Brad Pitt. That's it. He's one of the greatest stand-up comics right now alive on this planet. He's fucking incredible.

You know him from his specials, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jim Jeffries! Jim Jeffries, everybody! Jim Jefferies, baby! Yay! That's very exciting. I like how you guys came straight out and were pretty racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you're in Jamaica, would you come out and do the Jamaican accent? Can you translate for us a little bit? Yeah, he said he's very excited and thankful to both of you. We brought along a Spanish guy to translate an Australian guy for some of those people in here that don't understand. Jim, thank you so much for being here. This is amazing. So good to see you.

Your mic is on. I can't hear you, Bobby. Turn his mic on. Well, so it's me and Jim. That's it. No, come on. He's got it. They got that mic working. Hello? Hello?

I have a question for you Jim did they force you to do this or did you say yes politely I was forced there's an itinerary I gotta do this then I gotta do my show then I gotta do the comedy jam they've filled my day but yeah I was forced to do this

I would have done it if you asked me anyway but you were forced to have me so it's a reciprocal thing. True. That is true. There's nothing that makes you feel better than Just for Laughs charging these people $50,000 a ticket and the mics don't work. Guys, give it up for Just for Laughs. Way to go.

We're excited to be here. You just got here now? I came in on the same plane as Bobby. Bobby, you just come from, where did you come from? Yeah. And was that your son or? Where did you come from, he asked you. Where did you come from?

Like Korea? What are you talking about? He was trying to say go back to your country in a very nice way. In the last two days, where did you come from? I was in Hawaii. Yeah. And then I went to LAX and I ran into you I ran into Bobby

at LAX and he'd already come from Hawaii and he'd been at the airport for 8 fucking hours and he was just wandering around doing nothing he was in business class with me yet he didn't use the lounge because he didn't figure out he could fucking go in there I didn't figure out he could fucking go in there. I didn't...

Calm down. Okay. But I didn't know that if you have a first class ticket that you're allowed to be in the lounge. How long have you been a comedian for? You've traveled the world. 45, 55 years or so, give or take. I've never been in the lounge.

I don't know how to get there. But next time, you can show me. Okay. Raise your hand if you have heard of the fact that if you ever had a first class ticket, you could be in a lounge. Raise your hand. Interesting. The votes are in. The odds have it.

And how do you get there? How do you find it? There's no signs. And he said to me, once you get in there, who do you talk to? There's no signs. And he said to me, once you get in there, who do you talk to? No one. You just scan your ticket. Boop. You're in. You learn. That's fine. That's alright.

Sweating. Sweating. By the way, we are going to be auctioning off this shirt for charity after the show. No, you're not. Yes, we are. Anybody wants a ripped up Bowie Sweaty shirt, we're going to be auctioning off. You know what, dude?

I'll give it away for free. What do you think of that? We're going to... Take it off. Take it off and give it away. Go to the bottom. Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you?

Here we go. She could beat the shit out of any guy or girl at this event. I think she went. Fight him. Fight him for it. Beat his ass. Choke him out. Choke him out real fast.

Put him in a choke hold. Thank you so much. She came right up. Confidence. Confidence. Let's give it up for her. She just got herself a chokehold. Thank you so much. She came right up. Confidence. Confidence. Let's give it up for her. She just got herself a free shirt. Bold.

I thought she was going to beat the shit out of you. Yeah, man. I was like, she's going to fucking bench you and fuck you up. You didn't want to lose that. That's a great t-shirt, an old Bowie t-shirt. I'm going to get it back. He's going to get it back. Where the fuck are you? Over there?

After the show, can I have it back? We'll give you another shirt of his. Very polite to give it back. Don't give it back to him. Oh, my Tiger Valley shirt? I make this, asshole! I have a thousand of these at home. I don't want this piece of shit.

Alright. Alright. I have a thousand of these at home. I don't want this piece of shit. All right. Okay, all right. Good trade. Good trade. Your merch. Yeah, we want to put on Bob's shirt. We don't want to steal Chrysler's thunder, so let's get your shirt back on.

What? Bad friends. He reminds himself where he is. Every hour, he reminds himself what he's watching. They say it's on backwards

is what they were saying. It's on backwards. Yeah. But the good... Oh, now it makes sense. You know what my favorite part about this is? There's people up at the bar that did not intend to attend this.

They're just trying to get a drink. Like, what the fuck is this shit? Hey! Hey, guys! Alright, let's talk about some topics. Yeah, let's chat about some stuff. All right. What do you guys want to talk about? No.

No, Rudy. Well, Rudy. Rudy couldn't come. Rudy. Should we tell them? Rudy got deported. She's deported. She got deported.

Rudy got caught on tax evasion. So she got deported. Rudy got caught on tax evasion. So she got deported. Sorry. Go ahead, Bob. What the fuck is that going on? We're going to lose control real fast of this whole thing. You want me to do impressions right now, asshole?

I got Jim Jeffries here. I want to hear about Mad TV. That's what got Jim Jeffries here. No, I want to hear about Mad TV. That's what he wants to hear about. I don't even remember how the fucking... Let's talk real. Bobby right now, Bobby's about to make a run on a popular TV show called Sex and the City, and he's...

They got rid of that blonde girl and they replaced her. What do you play on Sex and the City? Mr. Small. No. Chinese guy number three. Chinese guy number three. Who?

Chinese guy number three. Chinese guy number three? Yeah, there's two other Chinese guys. They have a bigger role. But I'm getting my fucking lines in, bro. You're getting your lines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're getting your lines in. Yeah, thank you.

Thank you so much, lady. I appreciate it. Wait, so let me say this story real fast. This is my favorite. We got here late last night. We went out to dinner. Fancy B got drunk as fuck last night. And also, for many of you, you're all fans, you know, Fancy B is, of course, Spanish,

and people down here don't like him so much. And also, for many of you, you're all fans, you know, Fancy B is, of course, Spanish, and people down here don't like him so much. And Fancy B speaks with his Spanish, you know, uppity fucking accent. And let me tell you something. These servers do not like Fancy B. They don't, do they, fans? They think I'm a little fancy. A little fancy.

I just sound like a Britishish british guy would sound he sounds like how the brit you know there's british people that are like oh yeah all right but then there's british people like oh the car the car he sounds like that version to them they did not every time he got drunk and he'd call over a server he'd be like mira mira mira mira and they didn't like it. They did not like it. The guy kept shaking his fucking head. And Fancy and I said, should we leave a tip? And Fancy goes, you don't tip these people. That's what he said. That's what Fancy said.

He did say that. That is what Fancy said. I think I said it's all inclusive. All inclusive. That's what he said. So was that your kid that I met at the airport? Is that my kid at the airport? Yeah, who was the kid was that your kid that I met at the airport? Is that my kid at the airport? Yeah, who was the kid?

That's a kid I found at the airport. No, of course it's my kid. My kid's birthday is this week, so I brought him out to the trip. Yeah. It turns out that the resort's adults only, so I have to stay in a little bit just off to the side, so I don't stay with you cunts. But, yeah, I'm out here.

I just got married in COVID, and I have a two-month-old baby at home, and I left my wife and baby at home, and I brought my ex and my kid to the resort. Let's give it up for that. I mustn't be a bad guy to fucking be able to pull that off, right? So let's give it up for that. I might, I might, I mustn't be a bad guy to fucking be able to pull that off. Right. Normalize you.

I do pay for everyone. Normalize bringing your ex on vacation. I think that should be the future. Fuck your current, get your ex out here, baby. Did you wait? And,

and the, and the tour included your ex and your son coming with you, right? On tour. Do they come with me? They come on school holidays. I bring my ex and my son. And you right on on tour do they come with me yeah they come on school holidays i bring my ex and my son and then otherwise i don't bring the baby anywhere the baby sits at home bring a baby all right my wife's right okay i've had two children with two different women right yeah and you know how people go oh the first one's made of glass the second one's made of plastic that's if you had it with the same woman, right?

These were both fucking glass babies, right? So I've been through having a kid going, oh, you better watch it, don't let it fall over, and then I was like, oh, fuck them, they're okay. And now my new wife's worse than the last one, so I'm back where I started. Yeah. But I look at it this way,

like if you have two children with two different women, it's like a science thing, like it's an experiment. Like if one kid turns out great, it's because the mother did a good job. And if the other kid turns out shit, it's because the mother did a shit job because I'm parenting them exactly the same way. I'm parenting them exactly the same way. But if they both turn out great, I'll take full credit. Yeah, as you should. As you should.

This is my baby. This is the baby that I get to take care of. My big sweaty baby. Did you run a marathon? For some reason, I never picture either of you guys having kids. We don't deserve them. We don't deserve them. What do you mean? I deserve children. Do you think you should have kids? You know't deserve them. We don't deserve them. What do you mean? I deserve children.

Do you think you should have kids? You know, I think I'd be a very good father. Yeah? Yeah, I think I would. I think I have ethics and a morality that's different than other people. Yeah. Yeah. Like, ask me a question.

I'll give you the right answer. All right. If a kid says, Dad, today at school, a man came up to me that I didn't know. Yeah. And he asked if he could give me a ride home. What should I say to that man? Obviously, fucking yeah. Yeah.

Take a ride. Right. Because my children know Taekwondo. Oh. Right. They're like brown belts and stuff. Right. So they can handle themselves.

Give me another situation. Give me another situation. Your wife says, I'm tired. Can you breastfeed? What do you say? Yes. Yes, you can. Yes, I can. Does milk come out of our glands? Yours, yes. Oh, that's right.

Yours, yes. I've had my kid latch on. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah. I've just been laying down. And I fucking had me baby and I put him up against me chest. Like, you're all right. And he's just sucking on me tit. And I'm like, and the look of horror when he comes back up with a hair in his mouth, just Jim, are you, are you going to, is this it for you? No more kids, though? No more kids. My wife wants another one, but I said I can't do it again.

I'm too old. And so I'm getting a vasectomy, and she's fighting on it, but fucking my body, my choice, man. That's right. Women don't get to dictate what we do with our bodies anymore. The buck stops here. I'll tell you a funny story. I was talking to my dad and my dad went, my dad was talking about his love life. My mother passed

away and my dad's getting out there a bit, you know. And I said, dad, I'm going to get a vasectomy. And he goes, don't get a vasectomy. He goes, some, most women, not all women, but most women, they like to see the cum. And I said, I said, dad, after you have a vasectomy, you still cum. It just doesn't work anymore. And he went, oh, we'll get one then. It was the fastest. It was the fastest I've ever seen someone change an opinion. Just like lightning. Why are you dumbfounded? Because I can't even understand what he's saying. He's so far away. It's hard to hear each other

because the speakers are going this way. I can't hear anything he's saying, so I'm doing this thing where I'm like, that's funny. Can you guys hear what we're saying very clearly? I guess that works. I'm just watching your lips move, man. There's no audio kickback.

We'll get into that later. It's easier with you, harder with him. Because he's Chinese? No, I want to fuck it. Can I go back to the black guy? Are you asking me to go back to the black guy? No, I just want to apologize because I feel like I was aggressive

in the beginning of the show. Yeah. And I apologize. I feel like there's a bad energy between us right now. Are you good? I'm fine, too. Let's move on. I'll get good. What did you say, ma'am? I can't hear her. Oh, can you

hug and make up? They want to hug, I guess. You know. Yeah. Hug him. Bobby, give him a hug. Bobby, Bobby. Oh, no, no, no, no. I like that he kept the mask on for safety.

Like, if you hug Bobby Lee, covid is the least of your fucking problems jesus christ i can't wait to get this letter on monday he gets sued by mexico as a country you can't bring him down here anymore he's so dangerous he's too dangerous is that a that's a tom and j shirt? I like that. It's so funny. Black dudes can wear Disney stuff and no one says anything or like cartoons. But if white grown-ups wear Disney stuff, everyone's like, is he rich? Yeah, but we're always leads in their movies, so that's a different thing. That's true.

That's true. That is true. Did you like the hug yeah it was pretty good it was good yeah i should get closer to jim so i can hear him switch do you want me oh no so everybody understands what was going on with us up there i want to give you a taste of what our ears were hearing so you don't think we're crazy all right so that was what we were experiencing. But now back to the show. Liquid IV. This is my favorite thing in the whole world.

You know, I don't like water. Me neither. But when liquid IV is in it, this powdery, this nutritious powder. It's delicious. That makes the water. It enhances it. It does. Look, liquid IV.

You can take it first thing in the morning before a workout. When you feel run down, you're tired. Daily hydration maintenance, a hangover cure, which you know I love. Look, flu season is in full swing. Proper hydration and vitamins can help support a strong immune system, making hydration a priority. Helps us feel healthier on a day-to-day basis. One stick of liquid IV and 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone. Not only that, but the product tastes great with flavors like watermelon, strawberry, and lemon lime, which is my favorite. It's great tasting and wonderful and functional.

It's got five essential vitamins, more vitamin C than an orange, and much potassium as a banana. It's healthier than sugary sports drinks, and it's delicious. My favorite is passion fruit, and I gave Bobo a pina colada and he loved it. What I love about it, it also contains five essential vitamins, more than vitamin C, than an orange, and as much potassium as a banana. That's right. The optimum ratio of glucose, sodium, potassium delivers water nutrients into the bloodstream. It's the perfect balance to help you hydrate more quickly and effectively

than water alone. All right. The company's donating 4 million servings to the response to COVID-19, which we love them for. So do yourself a favor. Grab your favorite Liquid IV flavors nationwide at Walmart, or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use the code BADFRIENDS at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you get better hydration today using promo code BADFRIENDS at liquidiv.com.

That's 25% off anything. Liquidiv.com. Code BADFRIENDS at liquidiv.com. That's 25% off anything. liquidiv.com. Code BADFRIENDS. Hello, Tushy. I'll tell you right now, you could eat a fried egg off of my butthole. I'll eat a scramble. I want scrambled eggs.

All right, fine. Yeah. The reason why is because my butthole is so clean due to the fact that I use a Tushy whenever I go to the poo-poo. Okay, look. I have a Tushy at the house. We have a Tushy here at the studio.

You have a Tushy at home. Yeah. We both installed it on our own, and you know we're not rocket scientists, and it's super easy. It's incredible. And if you've never tried a bidet, you're an idiot. You don't know what you're missing.

Clean your butt. And also, you know, if you care about the earth and the environment, you will get a Hello Tushy. You will get one. This show is big on tushies, and every time we have a guest that come over, we tell them, spray it in the butt, spray it in your pink eye, and see if you like it. I open up the cheeks sometimes when the spray goes in. I always open up the cheeks.

Oh, yeah. It's so good. And then you use kind of your nuts as a backboard. That's what I love. Well, my nuts are shallow, so it doesn't work. Not long enough. Anyway. All right.

The Hello Tushy Bidet washes your bum with fresh water, and it's better than toilet paper, and it's simply spray and pat dry. Yeah, it attaches to your existing toilet. That's right. It cuts down your TP use by 80% saving money and paper waste. Join the millions of happy Hello Tushy customers right now who take care of their Ulogs the dignified way. Give the gift of a clean bum to yourself or loved ones this holiday season.

Get 10% off plus free shipping right now at hellotushy.com slash bad friends. Tag us and at hellotushy on social media so we can celebrate your clean bum. That's right. That's hellotushy.com slash bad friends for 10% off and free ship. Anchor. If you haven't heard about Anchor. It's the easiest way to make a podcast. It's the easiest way to make a podcast.

Let me explain. Oh, please. It's free. Awesome. That's cool. There are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your There's a way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please. It's free. Awesome. That's cool. There are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer. You do it from your phone, like on the go?

Oh, my God. That's cool. And on the bus or the subway, you can do it. That's cool. Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many, many, many, many, many, many, many more. Go ahead. You can make money from your podcast, too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Download the free anchor app or go to anchor dot FM to get started.

The next guy coming to stage is. Is an old friend of ours. Yeah. One of our closest. Most favorite performers. Comedians. Beyond. Like the most talented podcaster. We know.

Shut the fuck up. He's. He could be a handsome guy. But he ate so much frijole. Uh oh. That he became rotund. But he's a very good comic. And he's going to be performing tonight where? At the fucking arena.

At the fucking arena, guys. No condom. No condom. Alright, I'll hurry. Tom Segura, everybody! Tom Segura! Tom Segura! everybody clap for him for Topsicura hey Tommy hey baby

hey hey so I want to Hey, Tommy! Hey, baby! Hey! Hey! So I want to open up this podcast with an apology. Okay. Take a mic, take a mic. Is it because of our phone call? Yes.

So you called me on the phone a couple of weeks ago. Yeah. On your show live, right? Yep. And I called you a fat, ugly Peruvian guy. You did. And it got a really big laugh from your audience but i also want to formally apologize because i was rude well thanks man that's very grown up of you thank you you can say something bad about me right now in front of

what the fuck does that mean? It's Korean. Oh, it is? I thought you spoke Korean. No, I'm white. I have jaundice. Do it again. That sounds Spanish.

That doesn't sound fucking Korean at all. I speak Spanish, so I have a Spanish pronunciation, but it's fucking Korean. Open your goddamn ears up. Does anybody speak Korean in here? Are there any Koreans in here? Oh, in the back. What did that say? Doesn't know. Okay, how about...

Are you looking it up, asshole? Yeah, I looked it up. Of course I looked it up. How about this? I'll teach you Korean. Wait, wait, let me tell you one. All right, tell me one. You just called me the N-word in Korean.

How dare you. You fucking asshole. Don't mind him. Stop pointing at the black guy. Alright, sorry. Why are you doing that? I should stop. I'll stop? Yeah, stop.

I apologize. I'll stop. Point at any other people. White guy. Fine. With titties. I like your titties, sir. I accept your half-assed apology. Do you want to know what I said in Korean? I don't know. What did you say?

It really didn't sound familiar at all? No, no. The first thing was, I hope you die. I hope you die. Okay. Thank you. What was the second one? You are fat. You are fat. Yeah, yeah. I'll teach you one right now. Okay. Teach everyone.

Here's... Yeah, there's other people here too. Boji mashiso. Boji. Let's say it together. One, two, three. Boji mashiso. Pussy is delicious.

All right. I'll teach you another one. Okay. Nak gochu jokume. One, two, three. Not gochu jokume. I have a very small penis. But let me tell you something.

It's cute as fuck. No, it's not. Yes, it would. And if it was a Pokemon character, it'd be one of the leads. Like, he'd be like like, third in line. I don't know how Pokemon works. I don't think that's how it works.

I don't know why I'm standing. I'll sit back down. Bob, what are your dimensions? Have you gone over this already? Like a dresser. He's like a dresser drawer. No, I meant your penis. Oh.

Not your... Have you ever seen it? Show them. I'll show you now. Well, I mean... No, I'll turn my back. I'll turn my back. I'll turn my back. Yeah, turn your back and show them. I'm a Christian, like I it? Show them. I'll show you now. Well, I mean... No, I'll turn my back. I'll turn my back. I'll turn my back.

Yeah, turn your back and show them. I'm a Christian, like I said. Show them. Don't make sure no one else sees. Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay. How weird is that? That was one of the worst experiences of my life.

Yeah. So many colors, huh? There are a lot of colors. I see why you keep looking at the black guy. You got anything to spare? Yeah. Oh, fuck you, bro. Hey, hey, hey.

You're going to hit me in the head. What are all the colors about? Well, his nuts are very, very dark. Mine? Thank you. It's like you dipped them in mud is what it looks like. It, his nuts are very, very dark. Mine? Yes. Thank you. It's like you dipped them in mud is what it looks like. It's not healthy. It's very weird.

And his penis is one color at the base, and then it goes white in the middle, and then it gets dark again at the top. You have a really good memory of it. It's there forever. Yeah, yeah. You're going to have it, too. Now, actually, they look like boba. Yeah, and it's actually, I'll be honest with you, it's bigger than I thought You're going to have it too. Actually, they look like Boba. Yeah, and it's actually, I'll be honest with you,

it's bigger than I thought it was going to be. No. Fuck yeah, dude. Friends for life. It was. Bigger than he thought. Yeah, but he thought it was a micro penis, so bigger than this is that, and that's fine.

That's enough. It's a little bit bigger. I bet your tongue game is amazing, right? Oh, you want to see? Okay. This one you don't have to stand up for. I don't know why guys do this, but I'm going to do it. Oh, boy. Okay. Is that wrong? Go ahead.

So I do this. I always say hello. You want me to hold the mic while you do it? I'm going to open it, right? Hello. Hello. And then the little click gives me a little wink like that yeah i'm like i make the noise you can do it for that's it that's it no see how long that was the time limit let's see how long one all right all right three go

pretty good that was pretty good Pretty good? That was pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Is your asshole moist? A little bit. Okay, good. Thank you. That was the point.

Imagine people that just came to this resort that are walking by for a family vacation. They see some little fat Korean. They're like, this is... What a fucking nightmare. What a nightmare. It's all inclusive. Do you not pay more. Is this yours?

No, that's yours. That's yours. Tom, thank you so much for doing this. We know you're playing a show tonight. Give him a round of applause, everybody. Talk to the guard, everybody. I love when you blush. It's so cute.

Tom, we miss you in LA, and you abandoned us for Austin. We really are a little upset about it. I'll be back. You'll be back for real? Sure. Really? I mean, I made a bet with some comics. I said a year.

You think I'll move back? I think you'll move back in about eight months. Oh, no, definitely not. Why? Because. I know, but we miss you. No, I miss you guys too. You have more fucking friends in LA than fucking Austin.

Hey, hey, hey. No, fuck you! Because Joe Rogan, because Joe fucking Rogan went out there. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. He's here somewhere. Relax. Where's that head of his? I don't know. It's so thick. Do you still feel like that wave is coming? What did he say? The wave. Do you feel like the wave is coming? What did you say?

The wave. Do you feel like the wave is coming? To Austin, you mean? No, no. Like, when I was leaving L.A., you're like, you don't feel that wave? Did I say that? Yeah, you said that. Yeah, yeah.

There's a wave coming, bud. Is it? Yeah. You're going to miss out. I think I've seen the Comedy Store lineups. I think I'm pretty good on the wave. Because you guys fucking moved out. When Rogan and everyone and Joey Diaz

and everyone moved out of LA, the comedy scene got weaker. It got a little weak. So it's your fault. It's your fucking fault. There's a new scene and it's fucking outside of Cancun. This is the scene. This is the scene. So since you're living in Austin,

do you think, because the comedy community there is so're living in Austin, do you think, because the comedy community there is so tight-knit, do you think you could do Tony Hinchcliffe's monologue for how he brought up that Asian guy and do it for Bobby? Do you think you could do the exact same thing?

Let's try it. Let's try it. How about, should I be Tony Hinchcliffe because I have to say the right thing? I'll be you and you be Tony Hinchcliffe. You be Tony. What did he say exactly?

I'll be the Asian guy. What did he say exactly? Okay, okay. All right. No, no, no. So I get off stage. So this is how it went. Oh, you have to bring me up.

No, you're Tony. I know, but you're bringing me up and then I grab the mic. All right. So I'm the Asian guy and I'm killing and I'm like, all right, thank you're bringing me up, and then I grab the mic. All right, so I'm the Asian guy, and I'm killing. And I'm like, all right, thank you so much. And he doesn't even have an accent or anything, does he? No, he's like, thank you so much. Appreciate you guys.

That's my time. Tony Hinchcliffe, everyone. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Tony, thank you, Tony. Appreciate you, man. I killed on the show. Thank you.

Or time for the gook chink. Oh my gosh. Is that what he said? I don't know, but that sounded so bad. I know, that sounded so bad. Even coming from you, it sounded bad. How about, one more time for the yellow monkey? Oh my gosh. Is that bad?

I gotta tell you something. It doesn't feel wrong. Whatever you're doing doesn't feel wrong. Yeah, it feels right. I'm just glad we're. It doesn't feel wrong. Whatever you're doing doesn't feel right. Yeah, it feels right. All right. I like this. I'm just glad we're getting it on tape. Yeah. That whole exchange was so racist. It was tough.

Yeah. Was anybody offended? Who was offended? Anybody? That guy. One guy. Go apologize, Bob. Sir, come over here.

Come here. You're offended. Come over here, asshole. Are you offended? Calls him an asshole. Uh-oh. What's happening? Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. There we go. I just came inside him. So wet. That's what he said. It was so wet.

Yeah. My little moist noodle. Oh. Oh, man. What, what, what? Nothing. Everything's good. Tom.

No, I do. Listen, I miss LA. I do miss LA. We miss the shit out of you. We wish you would come back. But also, we're happy that you guys are enjoying life out there. Yeah. Honestly, I think it's fucking, it's great.

It's fun. Is there comedy there for real is it picked up or no well there's shows all the time i mean there's not like are you doing shows i've been on the road a lot yeah you're not doing shows i've done i've done shows in austin but i haven't done like weekly shows because i've been gone okay are you're leaving tonight after the show yeah what kind of plane are you flying on uh fucking don't know what it's called. What is it called? American 2211. It's just yours? Are you not leaving on a private plane?

No. Fuck no. Hey. Do you guys want to play Fuck, Marry, Kill? Yeah. Okay, so out of us three, who you would have to fuck, fuck, marry, kill. I just know what you're doing. You don't like this game no I love

it do an improv you say yes and you can yes yes I love it you guys want to play I said they do scumbag all right go ahead let's play just three people okay

sir Okay? Sir? Yeah? We'll get back to that. What the fuck, bro? Oh, wow. Well, that's not going to help. That was aggressive, bro. You were just like... Oh, man. This is a bad look.

Yeah. So, what's your name? Fletch? Come closer because of the mic. Is your name Fletch? Yeah. That's a great fucking name. I love that. Who would you fuck, marry, or kill between us three your name Fletch? That's a great fucking name. I love that.

Who would you fuck, marry, or kill between us three? I'd fuck Bobby because he's the most ladylike. Most ladylike, yes. Clutch. Fletch. Fletch. The fucking man. That's true

I'd have to marry Tom for the money Yeah He is rich That's very smart But I love you Santino He's black I love you too Say that again

He's not black Fletch say it again Santino's black Turn to the audience Fletch can you say it in the mic for me Say it say it Santino's black. Can you turn to the audience and say it in the mic? Fletch, can you say it in the mic for me? Say it, say it. Santino's black. Thank you.

All right. Thank you, fam. Hey. That means so much to me. It's unbelievable. Hey, don't flick off my black friend. Don't do that. Santino.

How did you get that? I'm not Lady Lila. Huh? How did you get that? It's just like they feel me. There's a thing. There's a thing. Is it because you're wearing it?

Let's do one more. You want to do one more? Yeah, that's fine. Let's do one more. You want to do one more? Yeah, that's fine. Let's do one more. Why not, huh? Hey, the guy with the titties. Oh, come on, Bob.

Why don't you ask a girl? Ask a girl. That's right. Get the fuck out of here. Oh, my God, Bob. So mean. So mean. All right.

All right. All right. I have my friend. You want to meet my friend? Get that. There's a girl right there that's asking, Bob. Get that woman right there. Right there in the white. Right there. She's right there.

Yeah, come please. Yeah, let her do it. Yes! All right. Yeah, come over here. Fuck, marry, or kill. Okay. Bobby, I love you, but I have to kill you.

I'm so sorry. Oh, yes. I'm going to fuck Andrew because he is black. It was absolutely true and I second that. Yes! And I'm going to marry Tom because he got business. He got money and he knows what's up. And that was good.

What's your name? My name is Erica. Erica, give it up for Erica, this fucking queen. Fucking queen. Erica, do you want to get on the stage and do a spin move And show yourself off Erica and this motherfucker

Erica and this motherfucker Erica are you single Guys single single Beep beep beep Beep beep beep Brilliant brilliant woman Wow love her You nailed it man that's what you want

Two for two? Yep. Now let's get someone that's typically out of the pocket of our fan base. Who's above 50? Who's above 50 that's here? 50 or 60? Get that woman up here, please. Yeah.

This is great. This isn't our usual fan base. Are we still playing the same game? We're playing the same game. Go up there. All right. I want to hear it. And let her on stage and let her face the audience.

Look at that swag when she comes up. Damn. All right. Come on stage and you can face the crowd and Bobby ask her. Yeah, come right here. Help her on the stage. What's your name? Put your hand out.

What? Karen. Karen. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. So nervous. Karen, so we do fuck, marry, kill. Which one would you fuck, marry, or kill?

Fuck him. God damn it, this is great. This is making my fucking year. Oh my God. You don't know what this means to me. This is what it fucking year Oh my god You don't know what this means to be you guys Go ahead Marry him Thank you Karen

Give it up for Karen That beautiful beautiful woman there God damn it This is the best show we've ever done Santino Yeah I feel good That's really the plug you want right there God I feel so good right now

I love how much it hurts him God damn Say what you want to say Bob Say it Well first of all I'm 50 You're 37 38 That has nothing to do with it Say what you want to say, Bob. Say it. Well, first of all, I'm 50. You're 37? 38.

Okay, 38. That has nothing to do with it. Age has everything to do with it. When you're 50, you're going to look like Clint Eastwood. Dude, I just got stability from everybody. Fucking the worst. Yeah, but what does that really say? These two psychopath nutbags, they're like, this one seems like he's got his shit together.

They're like, yeah, this guy will bring me coffee. Fuck you, all right? Raise your hand if you want to fuck Tom. Raise your hand if you like. Look at all these people that want to fuck you, Tom. Thank you. Thank you. All right, raise your hand if you want to fuck Bobby.

Why are these guys standing up? That guy is very excited to fuck you. That's the same guy that ate the worm. Those guys are the Irish kids. Are that the Irish two? These guys came here from Ireland. Look at these scumbags. I love these fucking guys.

They flew here from Ireland. Dude, imagine fucking Bob. That's such a ride. Oh, my God. Imagine what? Just fucking Bob. That's such a ride. Oh, my God. Imagine what? Just fucking you. It would be so wild. Why?

Why? You know, I happen to feel like, because I have a mirror by my bed. Why? To watch my moves. Oh, my God. Right? So every once in a while, in my peripheral. Yeah.

Is that how you say it? In my periphery, yeah. Peripheral? In my peripheral? Yeah. Is that how you say it? In my periphery, yeah. Peripheral? In my peripheral? Yes. I can see my moves, and I can say that it's pretty fucking sexy. All right, let me see. No.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, he's talking to her. Oh, my God, Bird. Oh, he spits. Oh, he spits right on her. All right, then he gets down and crouching panda. Crouching panda. Licky, licky. Licky, licky.

As he... Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, wow. Wow. All right, sit down, Liu Kang. Cut it out.

Buffy! Hey, man. Buffy has changed my life at night because I told Bob I sweat a lot when I sleep, and I roll around, and I get too hot. And Buffy, no more night sweats for your boy. Dude, I haven't had night sweats in years since I've used a Buffy. Seriously. In fact, the pores of my body have closed up permanently.

So they're clogged. Yeah. That's a good thing. The Breeze is a comforter made entirely from 100% eucalyptus fiber to regulate temperature and keep you cool. We've talked about Buffy on the show before. Oh, I love it. It's 100% plant-based design. It's breathable.

It keeps you comfy at night. Eucalyptus fabric inside and out. It's softer than cotton. Earth-friendly. When you gave me one, I was like, what the hell is this? And you're like, trust me. And I literally use it on my bed now. And it's so, there's so much, it's breathable.

Yeah, you don't feel like you're getting swallowed up. It's hypoallergenic and it's high-threat. It's softer than cotton. Naturally soothes the skin. Cruelty-free, baby. Why not choose 100% plant-based bedding that's better for you and the planet that you're on? That's right. You can try Comforter on your own bed for free.

And if you don't love it, return it at no cost. You're not gonna, but you can. Yeah. For $20 off your Buffy Comforter, visit buffy.co and enter bad friends. That's $20 off your Buffy Comforter when you visit buffy.co and enter the code bad friends. Warby Parker. Visit buffy.co and enter the code BADFRIENDS. Warby Parker!

They were founded with a rebellious spirit and a lofty goal to create boutique quality eyewear at a revolutionary price point. Offering eyeglasses, sunglasses, contact lenses, eye exams. Warby Parker is committed to providing exceptional vision care and in stores as well as online. Glasses start at $95 including prescription lenses. That's incredible. You can try for free. People, if you're out there and you know, if you're someone that has eyeglasses, you've heard of Warby Parker.

They make very high quality boutique style glasses and they don't cost a ton of money. They seem really expensive when you look at them because the quality is there. Don't let your FSA or HSA dollars go to waste.

Put them to good use on Warby Parker prescription glasses, prescription sunglasses, contact lenses, and eye exams. So I have Warby Parker glasses., prescription sunglasses, contact lenses, and eye exams. So I have Warby Parker glasses. I have sunglasses, and they fit so snug to my weird-shaped head. You know that.

Wait, is that the pair that I see you in sometimes? Yes, that's what I wear. Oh, wow. That's really good. And you make fun of my weird-shaped head, but they fit my weird-shaped head. And all you have to do is- The physics involved in that. Okay.

Well, it works. They figured it out. Warby did the right job. All right. I don't know if Warby or Parker did it, but they both figured it out. But Warby Parker, they look cool. The colors are really pretty.

They're well-constructed and they're super durable, which I love. And also, they don't cost me an arm and a leg. So go to warbyparker.com slash badfriends and try this out for free

yourself at home. Yeah, and you know what? You can try five pairs of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com slash badfriends. Five pairs of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com slash bad friends. Five pairs of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com slash bad friends. All right?

My lord. Unbelievable. I get it now. I get it. You got it? I got it now. Yeah. You want to re-poll the fuck Mary kills?

That was pretty good. That was good. Raise your hand if that changed your mind about what your vote was before. In the back, it changed our minds. One guy. One guy in the back. One guy now is into it. You saw the moves.

You saw it with your eyes. Fuck yeah, bro. All right, would you be a top or a bottom? I'm generally a bottom, but I could do top. You could top? I've done it before. I don't think you're, I don't know. I think you're bottom. No, I'm bottom 90% of the time, but I can do top. You could top? I've done it before. I don't think you're, I don't know. I think you're bottom.

No, I'm bottom 90% of the time, but I can do top play. For how long? What do you mean far long? You don't last long on top, do you? 15 minutes. Is that your window? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. How about you? How about me what? 15's actually pretty good. How about you? Do you fuck strong? I fuck real, real, real strong. You do?

Please give me an example. I gave you a fucking example. You give me an example. I give you an example. Oh my god. I gotta get into the scene, so I'm gonna be at my makeup table. I'm gonna take the makeup off. Alright, alright. Ready?

So... So just imagine there's a mirror here. And I just got home from a long day at the office. Yes! Wow. Wow. That was aggressive, bro. Dude, I might press charges. I know, but was it good? That was really good.

It was really good. Oh, fuck. That was really good. I want to take two seconds right now and apologize to Tom. I am sorry, Tom. I'm so sorry, Tom. Sorry, Tom. That's all good.

We are sorry. This is really not okay for us to do this to you. We're really sorry. Let me tell you. Who's going to go to Tom's show tonight? All these people. The proof is in the pudding. Give him some space. Very exciting.

Give him some space. Yeah. Sorry, Tom. Sorry, Tom. No, that was, honestly, I really enjoyed both of your moves. Thank you. Is there a chance that you'd like to show off your fuckery skills? I'm recovering from injuries still

We could both play the women There's two women I think that's a hard no It's a hard no And I get it I liked watching your show, it was very good Thank you Are you still doing the podcast with the

Bart? Does he fly every week to Austin or do you come back? It's all in Austin Are you still doing the podcast with the... Bart? Yeah. Does he fly every week to Austin or do you come back? It's all in Austin. Wow. Yeah. That's got to be tough schedule, no? I mean, we record a few at a time.

Yeah, you knock them out. Yeah, yeah. It is good to see you guys still working it out. Bad Friends is about to be over after Cancun. Really? This is the last show. Yeah, you fucked me way too hard. I fucked you too hard.

Hey, is it fun to work with him? Is it fun to work with me? Be honest. All right, you want a real honest answer? Yes, I do. Sometimes it's not about comedy. Sometimes we talk about real stuff. All right, I'll give you the most honest answer

that I'm being very genuine. In my 16 years of doing stand-up and comedy and television or whatever, it's the most fun that I've ever had in my entire career. Wow. Yeah, not even close. It's not even close.

I'm serious. It's the most fun I've ever had in my entire life. We get to be fucking... We get to be the little children that we are. It's my turn. Huh? It's my turn. All right, thanks for letting me really hash it all out there.

He wasn't done, Bob. No, no, but to him I was. When is it my turn? It's your turn, Bob. You want to go up front? Yeah, he wants to go up front. Thank you. Bob, how do you feel about this?

It's a thank you. All right. About 15 years ago, I saw Andrew Santino perform in the original room at the Comedy Store. And when he asked me to do the podcast, literally, it was like I was a Native American and someone littered. Tears dripping out of my eyes. And it's just, thank you, Jesus, so much for introducing Andrew

into my life. He's the greatest thing in the whole world. Give Andrew Santino a round of applause. What a great guy. You changed my life. You changed my life. Thanks, Bob. I can see why you guys are going to end things soon. What a great guy. You changed my life. You changed my life. Thanks, Bob. I can see why you guys are going to end things soon. No, it's been an amazing little ride that we get to do. Do you fight with Bert ever?

Because we fight all the time. We fight constantly. You guys never fight? We never fight. About anything? Not that I can recall. You know what? I can't see ever being in a spat with you.

I mean, I don't fight a lot, so. No, but I mean, do you guys ever get into little, where it's like, you know what it is for us? It's like coordination, where we're both busy, we're doing things, and it's hard for us to meet. And so we fight about scheduling is a nightmare. Yeah, I mean, not really. No. No, I mean, you know, when he went to Serbia to shoot that movie,

that was obviously really challenging to bring people in to fill all the time he was going to be gone. But I just go like, all right, you're shooting a movie. See how easy we need to be nicer to each other. Because you... No, see, right away.

No, right away, you're accusing. Right away, because you. You don't lead with you. Okay. But can I get one thing off my chest? Okay, say I instead of you. Try. Go ahead.

I. Go say I instead of you. I am. I. Yeah. You. No. Replace you with I.

I will not. I, you. No. You are a rageaholic. No. And very difficult to work with because you get angry a lot. Look at his face. Who makes me angry?

Yeah. So it's your fault. I know, but I just need a little bit more compassion from you. No. Why? Because you don't get it. Can you guys give us a minute? This is good.

I really like this. So why does he get so upset with you? Because I don't show up on time. Sometimes I'm not wearing socks. It bothers him. Or he just won't answer texts about when we're supposed to be doing a thing. Oh, yeah.

Or we're supposed to go to Universal Studios to shoot a bit for the show. And then I show up, and he's not there. Yeah, I mean, New York shooting something. What are you shooting in New York that's more important than fucking... Don't do it. What are you shooting in New York

that's more important than bad friends? Don't fucking do this right now. What are you shooting in New York that's more important than bad friends? I'm shooting a TV show! What? What? I'm on Sex and the City!

Is it more important than bad friends? No. No. But still cool. Yeah. But wait, you didn't tell him you were not going to be there? What? Did you tell him you were not?

Yes, I tell him before and everything, right? He just gets angry. Tom, did he tell me? No. George. George is like, was like Uh Andrew Um Uh

Very nervous Uh Bobby's not gonna be there But it's fine I just get hung out to dry Let's do more fucking stuff Alright More fucking stuff We don't have any more

We're not doing any more fucking stuff I don't wanna do any more fucking stuff I think the Cancun people Are not happy about it Wait are they mad Cause I showed my butthole Yeah Are you being real No Okay It doesn't matter I don't want to do any more fucking. I think the Cancun people are not happy about it. Wait, are they mad because I showed my butthole? Yeah. Are you being real?

No. Okay. It doesn't matter. Bobby's been giving away money to the staff here. I don't know if the staff wants to make some money. Bobby gave a guy $40 to drive us from the hotel next door to right here in a golf cart. So if anybody wants to make a quick couple thousand, Bobby's handed out money.

$40. We went 17 feet. I said, you just have to tip him like five bucks. $40. Generous. A little too much. Do you give big tips? Are you always tipping big?

What? I'm a really good tipper. Are you a good tipper? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, you know what I'll do? One time, I saw Sebastian Manoscalco and he's wearing these ugly Italian shoes. They were leather.

You know how ninja shoes, they have that little gap? It was a dress shoe, but they had that little ninja gap between the toe and the rest of the fucking... I go, I'll give you 200 bucks. I'm going to buy them from you. So I gave him 200 bucks. He gave me his shoes and the rest of the fucking... Yeah. I go, I'll give you 200 bucks. I'm going to buy them from you. So I gave him 200 bucks. He gave me his shoes, and I threw them in the dumpster.

I like that. So I do stuff like that, too. What were you doing with my shoes? Is there a staff... You know what's so funny? I think... Do you have any money in your pocket right now? I do, yeah. Why?

Let's give it away to a staff member. You made me promise you one thing in the elevator, and what was it? Not give away my shirt. Not give away your shirt. My cash is in there, I'll go get it. Okay, go get your cash and give it away to somebody. Yeah. That woman right there? Yeah. She has no idea

why they're pointing at her. This is... By the way, she thinks this is like insurrection. She's like, no, no, no. All these white tourists like, argh, argh. what a dangerous thing to do alright Bob, Bob this lady right here has been serving this entire row give your money to her please very nice very nice Very nice Very nice Very nice, Bob

Alright, sit down It was very nice Bobby is very generous and always has been A generous, beautiful man That was really nice It was very sweet What was that? Three bucks? What'd you give her?

Let me ask you something. Tom, let me ask you something. Okay. Because him and I talk about this the whole time. About like, you prefer podcasting and doing stand-up. Right. But the acting stuff, you're a good actor. I saw you in that one horror movie. I really liked you in it. I really did. I swear to God, I love that movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right., you're a good actor. I saw you in that one horror movie. I really liked you in it.

I swear to God, I love that movie. So he's a good actor, but you prefer to do the other stuff. Whereas Andrew and I really like acting. I don't know why. Do you guys hate the fact that we act? Yeah, but I don't prefer it. We like it. I know, but a lot of guys like Joe Rogan and stuff,

they kind of yell at us. Joe's a bully. Yeah, and Joe Rogan won't go, Hey, leave. Bobby, do whatever you want to do. like a lot of guys like joe rogan and stuff they kind of yell at us joe's a bully yeah and joe rogan won't go oh hey lee bobby what do whatever you want to do whatever makes you happy right that's what i've been doing yeah i've been doing what makes me happy so that's good yeah i mean i like i like the acting too i do yeah i think you're a good actor thanks man you over me how do you think are you going to still be able to carry on all these other shows are you just I think you're a good actor. Thanks, man. All about me. Are you going to still be able to carry on all these other shows,

or are you just going to do YMH? Like, are you still going to do Tom Talks and Espanol? You're going to do... Well, those I just do, like, honestly, I just do them because I enjoy doing them. Yeah. So the stuff that has, like, full ad schedules, you have to, right? Yeah. So we do Your Mom's House, Two Bears, Drew's show, Christina's show, and then we have a show that we signed that we can't announce yet,

but that'll be a new show. Wait, you have somebody new? Yeah. Oh, somebody new. Let's just guess. Who do you think has signed that? Oh, yeah, guess, guess. All right, who do you think has knew that they signed to the YMH network,

to podcast? I don't know what's going on. Do you not know what we're talking about, buddy? No. Okay, that's all right. Explain it to me. Do you want to sit this one out? No, no, no, no. I want to explain it to podcast. I don't know what's going on. Do you not know what we're talking about, buddy? No. Okay. That's all right. Explain it to me. Do you want to sit this one out?

No, no, no, no. I want to explain it to me. So Tom Segura. Yeah, I know him. He does a thing. Your mom's house is like- Yeah, no, no. Just get to the point.

Yeah. Well, they have a bunch of different shows on there. Yeah. Yeah. And so they added someone new to the slate that they're going to announce soon. We're going to guess who they added to their podcast world. Oh, I see. Yeah. Okay, so go ahead. So a comedian that's added

to your podcast world? Added to the podcast world, yes. That's a part of your family now? There will be. Okay. Hannah Gadsby. I know who. How about that little chubby gay kid that used to live in LA, but now he lives in Austin. Oh, oh, oh, oh. You're talking about

Dylan. Dylan. He used to work at the comedy store. Yeah, oh, oh, oh. You're talking about Dylan. Dylan. He used to work at the comedy school. He has no idea who that is. I don't know. Alright, give me a guess. I hate this game. Go ahead. Ken Jeong? No. But it is a notable person, so it's a good guess. It is what? A notable person.

Is it Asian? Fuck no. No, that's disgusting. Yeah. No. There can only be one. Thank you. Yeah, it's you. What?

I'm your favorite Asian. You're what? Am I your favorite Asian? For sure. 100%. Well. No, more than Ken Jeong? Yes.

Okay. But not more than Ali Wong. Ali Wong does. Oh, no. Really? Yeah. No. No. Fuck face. Really? Yes But not more than Ali Wong Ali Wong does oh no Really No fuck face I am before Was she's ahead of me Was she

Was she what Is she ahead of me in your eyes Like do I like her more More than me I like her much more than you But you're my Like you're right there you know what i mean yeah where am i in your white guy fucking hierarchy well you're not white you're

hispanic correct okay where am i in your so for number one probably carlos mencia number one for sure okay number two um paul rodriguez okay for sure george lopez for sure For sure. Okay. Number two, Paul Rodriguez. Okay. For sure. George Lopez. For sure. Ooh. Felipe. Jesus Trejo. For sure. Felipe Esparza.

Way ahead of you. Way ahead of you. Gabriel. Gabriel Iglesias. Yeah. Yeah, that's four people. Jesus Trejo? Yeah, that's five people.

Jesus Trejo? Jesus Trejo. I already said it. Yeah, yeah. No, you're in my top three Hispanic people. Really? Yeah. Thanks, man.

You're welcome. What do I rank in your whites? In terms of white people? Yeah, for your whites. You're probably number one on my list right now, man. Really? Yeah. Thanks, man. You're welcome. What do I rank in your whites? Into the white people? Yeah, for your whites. You're probably number one on my list right now, man. Really? Whoa! I'll tell you why. Because you guys don't know this, but I'm going through a hard time. I'm always going through a hard time. Yeah.

And you've been really helpful, dude. I love you. I love you. I'll be honest. No. No. all right wait a minute imagine imagine imagine if i got canceled for that oh they're like Where does he sit in your Asian scale? Pretty high up there. Yeah. I think Bobby is...

Well, I separated by... So Korean, he is top Korean. Top Korean. But there are some other Japanese and Chinese that really take the cake. Name me one Japanese. Roku. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Roku Sudoku. There's no Roku Sud. Name me one Japanese. Roku. Roku Sudoku.

There's no Roku Sudoku? You've never seen Roku Sudoku? He rips. There's no Roku Sudoku. He is one of the funniest dudes I've ever seen in my life. Roku Sudoku? Do you guys know the comedian Roku Sudoku? Yes. See?

He rips. He's so good. He's good? He's good. Give me another Asian guy that's better. There's a Chinese guy. Ronnie Chang? Ronnie Chang a Chinese guy Ronnie Chang He's very funny Very funny

And also likable Very likable There's a couple but you're the top Korean by far Noodle Kadoodle, do you know Noodle Kadoodle? She's good You're my best You're my best Korean by far alright so how about this

Tom has almost little time left because he's got to sell out a fucking arena next door so do they have that they have that crowd mic that they can do you guys have that crowd mic do we have the crowd mic so we can get questions from the crowd

George get a couple questions from the crowd okay go ahead let's go tom big fan um so i just wanted uh we're here too you know jesus oh i wanted to i'm a big fan i watch every single podcast i swear to god okay so i wanted to know, with all this climate and the experience that you've had in Cancun, what kind of glove would you recommend for this? It's really good. And also, where's the glove? So really, those are both, those are good questions. I would say that, number one, a beach glove is what I would wear in this.

Oh, beach gloves. Yeah, like something you can shovel with. You can also like reach into the water. You can knock the sand off of it. The sand doesn't stick to it as much. Yeah. So it's more like a latex, but they're specifically either beach gloves. Do you own beach gloves?

Of course. And then the reason I'm not wearing a glove is because customs, of course, took them from me. Fucking customs. They take your gloves. All right, that guy. Thank you, of course, took them from me. Fucking customs. They take your gloves. All right, that guy. Thank you for that question, though. Great question. Tom, I have two questions.

First of all, how good is that up there to recreate Good Morning Julia? That is a fantastic background for Good Morning Julia. A real cool guy atmosphere. Yes. And then second of all, if you could bring anybody back from the dead why would you pick fed smoker that's uh it's a really impressive question do you want me to break it down for you no i understand you understood that oh man fed smoker i mean you know you're irish but you understand that he represents all americans and um he was fighting to keep the fucking peace and

push out all the fake bad cops that were stealing and and corrupt and you know it's like there's only one fucking jfk and there's only one fucking JFK and there's only one Herc News Fet Smoker. Long live the meth king. Alright. Tom, I'm also a big fan. Bobby or Andrew, who do you like more and why? Who do you like more out of us?

Yeah. I mean, that's an aggressive question. It's Andrew. And I'll tell you why. He answers me when I text, when I call. He doesn't just leave me hanging. He wakes up before 4pm. You know. But you do love Bobby.

But like you said, number one Korean. Number one. Doesn't that feel good? I like you even more than Grandma Kim. And she makes the best bulgogi and the best kalbi and the best sundubu. And I put you ahead of her and you've never

even fucking cooked for me. That's huge. You're the most rockin' Korean I know. Let's move on. Alright, look, is that George interviewing George? Yes. Two fucking white nerds together. This is awesome. He's one of the most handsome guys I've seen so far.

This question is for Daddy LaLagon. So the last place my mother was seen about two years ago was at a Garth Brooks concert, and we haven't seen her since. Do you think I'll ever get closure? Of course not. Do you think I'll ever get closure? Of course not. Thank you. She's buried somewhere in Oklahoma, pal. I'm sorry to navigate away from bad friends,

but Tom, has Christina navigated towards your scrum at all? Have you gotten any scrum licking? Let's scrum it up, Christina. She's disappointed me in that regard in every way. I've been trying things, working out more, eating clean, waxing my ass. You look very good, by the way.

You do look very good. After Steve-O's show the other day, I know a lot of buttholes are hair-free, so I want to see yours as well. Alright, lady. He's married, so fucking land the plane a little bit. My butthole is not hair free, and it is not appetizing. I admit that. I would not eat my own ass.

I wouldn't eat your ass. No, you wouldn't. I just wouldn't. But what if you loved me? Nope. Yeah. That's where you poop out of. I wouldn't do it.

Guys poop. How much money? How much money would you offer me to eat your butthole? 300 bucks. No. 500? A grand? Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Have you had your butt eaten? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? My butt's good. No, you've had your ass eaten? Yeah My butt's good No you've had your ass eaten before It's not good, it's not a fresh product But it's been done?

Like yesterday, two days ago when I showed you my poo Oh Wait I came to the door I knocked on the door Because we're supposed to go do something together And there's no answer. And so I knock harder.

And then he goes, bathroom. And I said, come out. I want to clean the room. And then he goes, go away. And I said, you want me to suck your little beautiful pee pee? And then he gets up off the toilet. I can hear him get up off the toilet. Because when he gets up, it's like.

The fucking weight of the toilet like eased up little suction action and he fucking who was that that was insane yeah his royal blackness in the God is a black man God is a black man it's Morpheus look at this I thought you are the one oh my god I told you it's Morpheus. Am I Neo? No, you're not fucking Neo. He gets up on the toilet. He comes to the front door, and he's in his underwear looking down at me. And I'd say, Bob, we got to go.

And then he puts his hand out, and it's toilet paper, and there's shit on it. That's what he is. Thank you for being a bad friend. Goodbye. Good night. Thank you, being a bad friend. Goodbye. Good night. Thank you, guys. One more time for Tom Segura. One more time for Tom Segura, baby. Yeah. Woo.

Yeah. Woo. Yeah. Woo. Yeah. Woo.