Bad Friends - Christmas VS. Hanukkah w/ Lil Dicky

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

New Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors:  https://betterhelp.com/badfriends &  https://hellofresh.com/badfriends14 code: BADFRIENDS14 & http://buffy.co code: BADFRIENDS & https://policygenius.com YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriends More Lil Dicky  Dave: https://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/dave  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lildickygram  Twitter: https://twitter.com/lildickytweets  Website: https://www.lildicky.com   0:00 Hanukkah Intro  1:30 Lil Dicky, Doc and the Alien Coalition  8:01 The True Meaning of Hanukkah  15:55 Smegma and Circumcision  25:57 The Most Unlikely Athlete   29:49 Lil Dicky and Barbara Streisand  38:38 Jerry Seinfeld's Apartment   49:03 Andrew, the Red Headed Jew  1:03:52 Black Magic's Rap  1:13:03 Joan Rivers Coloring Book and Louis CK  1:21:00 Lil Dicky Doesn't Know Jerry Lewis Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andres Rosende & Pete Forthun This podcast episode was sponsored by Candy Crush Sponsorships: on for this episode Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo! You're Jewish. Yeah, and you're Irish. You two are disgusting. Woo! You two are something.

We're bad friends. Ha-na-na-na-gilla-ha-na-gilla-ha-na-gilla-ha-na-gilla-ha-ha-ha. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Hanukkah, bad friends. Bobby is gone. And today we have the one and only, the unique, the lovely, the special, the talented, my sweet prince. Dave Byrd.

Thank you, bro. Is Byrd Jewish? Yeah. Well, you know, B-Y-R-D? B-U-R-D. You don't even know how to spell my last name. Wow. What do I care?

No work together. I love you too, man. What do I give a shit? My recollection, and maybe I'm just making this up, is that it's actually rooted in burdauski. Burdauski. But I could, that could be a total fit. But you know, the skis back home in Chicago, ski means, usually

skis are like Polish. Oh, wow. I've got some something in, I got some sort of, I don't know. Because you could be, you could be Polish-Jewish. Hungarian Polish-Jewish. Yeah. Because skis, like upskis, any of the SKIs, is usually, usually Polish.

Dave, I want you to meet a very good friend, a great comic. This guy has the friendliest face I've ever seen in my life. This is Black Magic. We all here. This is Doc Willis, AKA Little Black Magic. Hey, man. Hey, nice to meet you. Love your face.

Love it, bro. Thank you. He likes you. He was saying before the show he's too shy now, but he was saying how much he likes you. But you can tell him now that you like him. You're a good dude. Hey, uh.

Instantaneous love coming. How are you? What's that? What? How are you, Michelle? You don't know who? How are you, Michelle? Is the former general and 30-year space chief of Israel.

He's the one who said that was a good- What is this? Dude, he does this kind of stuff all the time. No, he said that was a good- He does this shit all the time. No, I'm telling you who to do this. What's going on? How are you, Michelle?

Well, he's familiar. Yeah, he's from Israel, right? He's the one who said there was a Galactic Federation in that the United States was a contact with aliens. Yeah, I know that story, yeah. How are you? You're a real one. You are a real one.

How do you spell his name? I want to look him up. How do you spell that? H-A-I-M. H-A-I-M. E-S-H-E-D. You know the prime former, well, Benjamin Netanyahu. Shout out to Netanyahu. Well, I don't know about that, but he went to my high school. Wait, seriously?

He's like from Philly. Is he? Yeah, where he went to high school. Click on New. Netanyahu was- Cheltenham High School. Cheltenham? Yeah.

We don't want to shout him out, but okay. This is Hayima Shad. This is him. Now, click on New. News. And what was his deal? He was the one who said that the United States was in contact with aliens and that there was a collective federation and that Trump knew about it.

Yeah. Are we saying he's wrong? That sounds like he's right. Well, he's the do. Former Israeli space security chief says extraterrestrials exist and Trump knows about it. Yeah, I don't understand. I believe all this. I believe it.

I believe every single second of this. Let's get it. Aliens are out there. Really? We've seen the aliens. I feel as though there must be. But I honestly don't feel like if there was, they would tell Trump. That's what he was saying.

I guess they'd have to. He couldn't know that and not tell everyone. Because you say egomaniac, I found him first. I found the aliens. They were fucking each other. You know what's so funny though? I think all the richest people in the world do have contact with the aliens. I believe that.

Like an Illuminati type of thing. Of course I believe that. I think once you reach the multi-billionaire status, you get granted access to that stuff. Because otherwise, why aren't you earning all that money? Look, you have a lot of money. You're rich. Let's just say that. You're rich.

It's true. So you're rich, but you're not wealthy. I don't know the aliens now. Yeah, no, you're not like them. No. But you know, right now, you're comfortable financially what you have. It's great money. You make a great living.

You have a great life. I could take a year off. You could take a few years off. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. You can't. You can't even take a week off. This is a day off. A day off and I'm fucking fucked forever.

So look at it like this. What's the incentive to earn more money than that? You have plenty of money. Do you want more money? Money doesn't really drive me. I know. So what would drive you? Meeting the fucking aliens.

Yeah, that would drive me. See, if someone said, if you got a billion, you'll meet the aliens. Let me ask you this. Yeah. Right now, someone comes to you and they say, if you don't have a billion, you'll meet the aliens. Right now, someone comes to you and they say, if you want to find out everything, there is to know about everything.

I will take you on a one month tour of aliens, past, future, the whole, any question you have will be totally answered in a month. And then you have one day back on earth to, you know, log the information and you die. Would you take that deal? What do you say, doc? It's a deep cut. That's really hard. You die.

So one day you get to spread around. I'll give you a week back on earth. Then yes. A week. But no one's going to believe a word you said. I know, but it's so fun. But for one week, you get to push around this narrative to everyone you know and write everything down.

Yeah. And just be like, listen, you can believe me or not, I'm going to be dead on Saturday. Yeah. So if you prophesize your death, then they might believe you. I'll just think that you were a cuckoo and you committed suicide because some cult. Yeah, they probably were. But how do I die? How do I die after the week?

Spontaneous combustion? Yeah. Grand Canyon. What am I doing in Arizona? You're off the Grand Canyon. I just wake up and I'm sitting on the edge of Grand Canyon and you're hurled. And who pushes me? The Illuminati.

No footage. No one knows it. I think you jump between you and me. I'm forced to jump. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. When I was younger, I used to go to, I mean, I went one time and I was like 10 and I was

so confident. Imagine the stress on my parents. I used to say to them, I'm telling you, I can, I can jump and brace this fall. In the Grand Canyon. In the Grand Canyon. So the whole trip, I was threatening jumping. And I really believe that I could survive it, which is. To this day?

No. Let's go. I don't want to do that now. Wait, you really, as a child, thought you could jump and why, Dave? Why did you think that was? I think it's self-pity. I used to think that too. That's too much.

I used to think that too. Like if you jump from a long distance, maybe before your knees hit, you like collapse and roll over or something like that. Like, I don't know. This is bad logic, guys. 6,000 feet up. That's a grand. 6,000 feet.

I'm feel you though, Dickie. I'm with the jump. I understand what you guys are saying. When an elevator, like an, I have that thought in elevators all the time, like, look, I was in Philly. I was in Philly. And in the hotel, it was so old downtown. And you can feel that when it stops, it kind of jiggles a little bit.

So I thought, if I thought that one night I was coming down and I thought, if this broke, all you have to do is wait till it's close to the bottom and then jump the last second right before it hits, the thing, it smashes your head and then you're paralyzed, but at least you're alive. So I'm broke. My neck is shattered. I've thought about it. I'd still do comedy.

I'd crush. I'd do comedy. I'd crush. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You'd be talking. My album would be called Going Down. You'd be the new Stephen Hawkins.

Going up. My new Stephen Hawkins comedy. This guy knows what I'm talking about. When did somebody leave? You going to take a shit or a pistol? That's so mean, Stephen Hawkins doing comedy though, he would just, he wouldn't absolutely murder. Yeah.

Murder. You can get away with anything with a computer. Yeah. You can say, because he didn't mean it. He can say it and didn't mean it. Oops. Yeah. Might be.

Might be. Might be. Look at this bitch's tits. If a computer says all that, how are you to blame? Yeah. All right. Let's go over some stuff right now because Doc wants to learn. Happy Hanukkah.

We're late. We know we're late. Yeah. But we're anti-Christmas this year. We did Christmas last year. Amen, brother. The Christians can take a hike. It's way too much.

And it's the week of Christmas, which is when we're putting this out. Good. So you know what? Good. Hanukkah twice. That's what we're doing this year. I'm happy to. Don't blow up.

We're for Hanukkah. Yeah, because Hanukkah twice. We want it. That's here. That's literally what I was going to say. Really? Why eight? Well, as the story has it, if I recall, that's how long the oil and the candles last.

They could have scratched it out. I think they scratched it. The whole premise of Hanukkah is that they scratched it out for eight. It's like a miraculous thing that they even made it eight nights. All right. So let's make it more nights. So they just party for eight days straight? I don't think it was a party.

I think it was more survival. In this day and age, they celebrate for eight days. Okay. But back then, it was just stay alive. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, we got eight little knickknack gifts. Maybe one. How many are in front of you?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Did it. They know what they're doing here. Why don't you open one of them? Why don't you open one? These are for me? Yeah. Every time you open one, I have to light a candle, though, of course.

Okay. So go ahead and open one. Those are for you. I'm excited. Yeah. I haven't gotten any gifts this season. Are you serious? Yeah.

My parents just give me a check. For Hanukkah? Yeah. It's pretty real Jewish, huh? Just a check? No, not even. It's gotten lower. I have to update my NBA League Pass every year.

That's huge. What do you mean? That's huge. Yeah. That's dope. Do you even... NBA League Pass? No, I can't even...

It's like $500. No, it's like $150. Oh, really? What? I think it was expensive. Well, what is it? What am I thinking? Sunday ticket is more expensive.

I ain't even got a cable, probably. Sunday ticket's like $400. You don't have cable, though? No, I don't have cable. I'm like... What is it? Oh! Oh, a brain mug.

Beautiful. It's your own merch. Yeah. We're giving you your own merch. So you should buy it, too. So I'm making money off of this gift. You're making money off the gift. That's great.

We bought it. That's the best type of juice. You're a man. You're a man. You're a man. Double up on it. I love mugs. What does it say, by the way?

This bitch don't know about Panjia. Oh, yeah, yeah. Famous quote of friend. What a good video. Thank you. You did the video, yeah? Yeah, and Tony. Tony directed.

Tony who directed many episodes on our show, Dave, which Bobby Mox constantly calls it Davey because he's jealous that... He's obsessed. Well, he's on sex in the city. So... Yeah. What made you get into rapping? You know, I...

This guy, Entertainment Tonight question. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Boom. Straight to it. Hey, man. Tell me what made you get into rap. Well, you know, it's a funny dude talking to a Jewish dude. You know, a Jewish...

They don't... What do you mean, Jewish dudes don't rap? You ever heard of the Beastie Boys? They Jewish? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that guy. Drake is Jewish. Drake is half Jewish.

Drake is half Jewish? Yes. So how do we motherfuckers... Fuck it. Drake, Jim Jones. Yeah. He's Jewish. Yeah, Jim Jones.

What would you... No, but you know that the Beastie Boys are Jewish? No. I thought they were just regular old, like, trailer park dudes getting it. Trailer park dudes? Yeah. Hold on. Bro, bro.

Brass monkey. That's trailer park right there. Hey. Yeah. What trailer park do you know exists in the city of New York? Where are the trailer parks? He's thinking Eight Mile M&M. Oh, you're thinking...

He's thinking White Rappers. You know M&M. Yeah, trailer parks in New York. Trailer parks in Brooklyn? Possibly. Have you seen... Have you been to Brooklyn? He thinks they're from, like, middle America.

No, not really. I've been there to the, like, the little clubs out there, but I haven't been in Brooklyn, Brooklyn. You know what I'm saying? Shout out to Jay-Z. No, don't shout out Jay-Z. You don't know where you're talking. No, okay, don't shout out Jay-Z.

Oh, sorry. All right. Well, you know what I'm saying. The Beastie Boys are from New York City. Okay, they are? Where did you think they were from? I thought they were from, like, a little bit like Iowa a little bit. Yeah.

Like me. They put off an Iowa vibe. Yeah, they got some fucking cornfield vibes. You see what I'm saying, Dick? You see? He's filming. No, he's doing this to help you out, because this is insane. Hey, fam, fam, you know.

No sleep till... Brooklyn! It wasn't Iowa City. Shit! No! Sleep till Lincoln! That's because the drive from Iowa was so long. So far, yeah, and they didn't want to, they didn't want to pass out.

All right, stay up. Why did I get into rap? You know, I always wanted to be a comedian my whole life. And that was my dream, even as a boy. Like, I always... I made people laugh as a kid, and I was like, this is an irreplaceable feeling. How can I do this forever? And I kind of rapped, you know, for fun.

And I wasn't necessarily like, wow, you're a great rapper. But I was like, you know, I was seeing, you know, Lonely Island. I saw these guys, and they were becoming incredibly successful off of comedic rap. And I was like, there's no one else doing it. So I thought, what if I use my funny ideas, because I didn't know anybody. I didn't know how... I didn't know how to give a script to. I didn't know how to make, you know, film.

You know, it just felt like the most accessible way to do it was on my computer, I have garage band. I can literally make high quality music from my apartment, my room. So I started rapping with the intention of being noticed as a comedian. And it kind of just worked like a sport. The more I did it, the better I got. And it's like, I've always loved rap. You know, it was a total dream to be a rapper of mine, too. But it was like, you know, my dreams growing up were like,

comedian, rapper, basketball player. One of those was never going to happen. I feel like... Honestly, two of them felt like they weren't going to happen. Yeah, but one of them for sure wasn't going to happen. Yeah, but it felt like as I was rapping and getting better, it felt like as if I, like, started playing basketball and got good enough to play in the NBA. Like, that's how I feel every day as a rapper.

But then you meet like six, eight black dudes and you're like, never mind. This is insane. If every black dude in the NBA looked like him, you'd be in good shape. You would be dope. Yeah, you could post me up and get it. Hey, but I was going to say, everybody out there in Tel Aviv, this is the guy you want to look up to. Yeah, everybody out there in Tel Aviv.

Oh, yeah. This is the guy. Don't you forget it. And I performed in Tel Aviv. Let me tell you. I felt a lot of admiration from that. It was swarms, yeah. How many times did you perform over there?

I performed there once, but never have I felt, he's right, I have never felt like bigger as a star. As a rapper. Just as like, yeah, as like a presence, like, as when I walked down the street and I did in Israel. Wow. And it was... And the hummus.

God, the hummus is off the chain. It's incredible. You like hummus? Hell yeah, bro. With some fucking townhouse crackers. Townhouse crackers. That's always the tradition. That is the trick.

When you go to the Middle East, I do say, they do have good hummus and townhouse crackers. That's how we do it in America. Get it. Dude, it's so funny to be half cultured. Oh, yeah. No, I love hummus. You got to give me them townhouse crackers.

What? Half culture is so funny to me. That's how we do it. Yeah, no, I love kebab. I mean, I mess with kebab and you just got to put it in a pita. You know what I'm saying? Put it in a wrap. Hey, hey, fans.

Yeah? What did you ask about the gold? Listen to how offensive this question is. You're going to love it. Oh, wow. Well, because he literally said, he literally walked in here. He's Spanish, so we don't trust him at all.

But he literally walked in as he's setting up the room and he goes to Pete, the other producer. He says, why did they like this gold so much? This is what he wants to know, why there's the gold. And then Pete tried to explain to him what this is. And it's a game, right? Yeah. With the dreidel.

Yeah. But honestly, it doesn't help the image. No. The gold thing doesn't really help the image. I agree. I got to tell you. I haven't really thought about it. It's a bad idea.

I mean, look, it's spread out on the table. Yeah. And Pete's kid isn't Jewish, goes to a Jewish elementary school? Preschool. Preschool? Yeah, preschool. So I didn't know, you know, how'd you get him in? And he's like, well, they don't know he's not Jewish

until they change his diaper. Right. And they see his little uncircumcised snake. Yeah. You're served though. Oh, I'm overly served. I'm clipped too. But see, but we did it.

It was like a normal thing for my generation to do it. Yeah. It wasn't like a Jewish or not or a European or not. Every kid I knew was clipped. Are you circumcised? Yeah. Yeah, you got to be, right? You got to have the heads.

I mean, I feel, I forget where it's at, but I recall there being new philosophies on circumcision today where it's like almost, there's like some sort of, I don't know which way the science is telling you to go. I think what it says, we did research this one time on the show. I think it says that it's, in today's society, it's so easy to clean and have high, the hygiene levels are so high, you don't need to do it anymore

because everyone washes so often. Yeah. It used to be, you bathe once a month, whatever, you would get infections, all that stuff. That's why it became standard. What's your word for the debris in the forest? Schmegma. Yeah.

Schmegma. Do you know that? Isn't that a Jewish, I think? Schmegma sounds, look up if Schmegma's Jewish. That'd be cool if like a Jewish catchphrase infiltrated. Well, that's what, I mean, think about it. They were like, why are we clipping it like this? Schmegma, it makes sense.

It is kind of ridiculous though, like when you got circumcised, you didn't have all of your friends and family come over and witness your dick get cut. Yeah, I did. Oh, you did? Yeah, I did. Why did it when I was 30?

Wait, so non-Jews have- I'm kidding, we don't do it. That's insane. We do it in the hospital. We get it out of the way. Of course, don't let that fall, that's a sin against man. I gave you a pin to clip it into your hair. I didn't see it.

It's on it itself. I don't want it. I know you don't want to miss. Are you clipped? I am clipped. Schmegma. Schmegma. From Latin?

From Latin, borrowed from ancient Greek, and it's smegma. All right, never mind. Alternative form of smegma, soap detergent. Is Schmuck a Jewish word? I wipe by clean. What does that say? Is Schmuck a Jewish word, of course?

Do you screen capture these searches in real time? Yeah. Is Schmuck, which is an English rather vulgar definition of a contemptible, foolish person? In other words, a jerk. Yeah. Is Schmuck. Yeah.

Literally means penis. Yeah. Schmuck means penis? I have not known that. Yeah. I didn't know that either. What's the other word for penis in Yiddish? There's another one.

Yeah. What's the other word? Shlong. Shlong. I don't think so. What did you text me before this? How bad of a Jew you are? I'm not a good Jew.

I think I'm a better Jew than you are, and I'm not even Jewish. I'm like so out of the loop in terms of what to do. It's okay. Yeah. I feel as though I represent it like pretty reasonably culturally, like I have like the spirit of like a good northeast Jew.

You know why? The heart and the hair. Just the way you look. Yeah. You couldn't, you look. And like sound and talk. And feel. And feel.

Yeah. And feel. Yeah. You don't have. You do a lot of Jew shit. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like.

I read Jew. Yeah. A mile away they go, Jew, which don't do that at home. And I'm proud of that. I'm proud of that. You should be. You should be. I don't even know.

I was every week, two days a week going to Hebrew Square. Where? K.I. Knesseth Israel in a Cheltenham, Pennsylvania. Oh, wow. You from the home. Oh, you from, oh, you're real. Yeah.

No, no, no. He's from Pennsylvania. Yeah. I don't know. Do you think he's from Israel? He said he was. Knesseth Israel is the name of the synagogue. It's the name of the synagogue.

Oh, fuck. Okay. All right. We should have kept going with that. Yeah. He is from Israel. You do know that. Yeah.

Yeah. He is. And. But the men on the other hand. I went to a club and I just remember, like, I've never in my life, like, did I, like, you know, I have a very, like, if my life on, in theory is very, if any life was like entourage-like, it'd be like mine. And I never really feel that way.

Like normally it's just like a very curmudgeony Jewish person's day. Yeah. But there was this one moment where I was walking to my table in Israel where, like, they walked me in into the thing. I swear it was like, every, directed as if it was like on, like, it was like a one take shot where the right woman passed and, like, smiled at me and then, like, everything. And then they let doves out. When you sat down?

They let dogs out. What? Yeah. You gotta go back to Israel. I know. What are you doing here? Well, the one, my one complaint about Israel is that it's a little too sun-beaten. Is that hot out there?

It's hot, but it's just, like, drained of color. Like, it's good. That's my one complaint. What, no trees or what? What's going on? I got a couple of complaints. I got a couple of complaints. Desert.

Desert. Desert. Desert. What do you mean sun-beaten? What do you mean sun-beaten? Yeah. Like, the buildings look like they've just been, like, smacked by the sun for a hundred. And they have been.

But, like, so it's, I'm more of, like, a San Francisco pastel color type of, you know. You like the jacket. I like my jacket. Right, it's not that. And everything there's a little monochromatic for me in terms of just, like, looking around and, like, enjoying the aesthetic. Feels like Arizona. Yeah.

How things are kind of, like, all taupe or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. But that's also historic. It is historic. So I have a different level of respect for it. The oldest place in the world, right? Well.

The oldest place in the center of the world? It's, there's something, there's old shit on it. Let's just make it up. Yeah. It's the oldest place in the world. The place in the world. Went to the western wall with Gata. Whaling wall?

Yeah. It's the whaling wall. I think they're the same. And what do they call it, that? People cry at it? Yeah, like, yeah, people are there and they're just, like, they're having, like, emotional experience. The Gata, I think, was, like, emotionally moved by it.

Gata was moved by it. Gata still references that moment in its life. I was like, very funny to me. Did you cry at the wall? No. You don't feel anything. No, I mean, it was cool, it was cool, like, I wrote a little something and put it in the, you know.

Why are you writing that? Put it in the wall. Put it in the wall. Can you tell me what you said? Couldn't even remember. It's probably like, keep going, brother. Who's that for? I don't even know.

What's the vagus of Israel? Funny thing you've ever said. I think it's Tel Aviv. No, what's the vagus of Israel? Tel Aviv? I think it's so many other ways to say. I think it's so many other ways to say. Tel Aviv is like, you know what I mean?

Tel Aviv had all the night spots. And there was a man that I, maybe it's not that good of a story, but I basically, actually I went to an international peacemaking camp. I don't know if you know this about me, so when I was like 14, I went to this camp called Seeds of Peace International Camp, which is a really interesting, amazing organization that takes people from different conflict groups like Israel and Palestinians and Indians and Pakistanis, and they put all these people under one roof, more or less, and they coexist during a summer, and they play sports together, but then every day there's like a two-hour

dialogue session, and there's like 15 Americans that are like top of their class that get into the, the only reason I got them is because my cousin used to run it, and so like every other American there was like an Ivy League student, and I was only there because my cousin- You have to apply to get in? Yeah, you have to apply. It's very hard to get in. And every day I was sitting in, you know, these conflict sessions where Israelis and

Palestinians are just like talking like, you know, the smartest 14-year-olds in each country, and they're talking about the issues, and like it's hard, it's tricky because both sides, like they have different histories in terms of what they think, like who was there first and what happened, and it was just very interesting to witness, but there was a guy there who I went to camp with named Daniel, who, there weren't many kids like me at that camp who were like, you know, athletic, like just seemingly like kids that I would be friends with if I went to high school and they were- Were you were athletic?

I was athletic, yeah. And I always won the award. Are you questioning his athleticism? No, I'm just saying. He just- I was very athletic. Yeah, I didn't see this. You never seen this guy play basketball on our show?

No, I've never. Hey, man, I ain't trying to diss Israel. No. Shout out. Better Help! Andrew? Yes, Bob? I love you.

I love you so much. And the reason why I can say that is because I went to Better Help. You use therapy. I couldn't discover. Yeah, I couldn't discover and find the love for you. But now I'm like full of feelings and I like to share things and I like to be open. Honestly, me, Kalyla, people in the house, we've all done Better Help. You can start communicating with your counselor in under 48 hours, but our help will assess

your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. It's pretty great. Start communicating so quickly and it's not a crisis line, not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online. We've spoken about mental health on this show and how we think it's important for you to try something that's a little alternative to the traditional going in a room somewhere in an office. Yeah, Better Help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they can make

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Listeners, get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash... Bad Friends. Hello, Fresh. Hello, Fresh. Hello, Fresh. Hello, Fresh. Listen, dude, we get Hello, Fresh at the home and when I see a box of Hello, Fresh outside of my door, I get really excited because what I know is it's going to be fresh ingredients.

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He just... Because he don't even... He doesn't... Why do you think he's not athletic? Hey, man, you make a... All right, I just... You didn't look like you, you know what I mean? Every year at my other...

Accountant, maybe. A what? Accountant, maybe. Well, when you said athletic, no. I used to win best athlete who doesn't look like an athlete every year. Oh, see? Yeah. See it there?

They know. Yeah. Telling you, bro, I feel it. Okay, what is that? Does Doc look athletic? No. Oh, yeah. You see how that feels?

You didn't like that, did you? Yeah, that hurts. Assumptions are annoying. They're fucking... My bad. But you look gentle. My bad. Thank you, bro.

You look sweet. I'm glad I look sweet. Yeah. I'm glad I look... He's a fucking mass murderer. Straight killer. Yeah. Oh, god.

He used to sell rock in the hood. That's cool. Does he look... Does he look... If he was like, no, man, I used to sell. Would you believe it? If he said it like that. Well, that's what he said.

You don't look like... When you told us that you used to sell, I didn't believe an ounce of it. Oh, yeah. Okay, nice. Because people who sell... No pun intended. No pun intended. Really, people who sell look tough as shit.

That's not true, though. That's what's the problem. That's how you know you don't sell. Yeah, that's how you know. Well, not anymore. Yeah. I get couldn't. I mean, the cops are like, he's right there.

Yeah. How could you hide? It's just like, oh, they think that all the women that they see on New Jack City, that's how the crackheads look. It's like, nah, they actually just regular working class people, and some of the women look really good on the streets. That's how deep in the rock they are. Yeah, it depends on you.

Yep. Yeah, if you're in the first couple of months... If you're in the... Yeah. If you're in the first... You got a crack. The honeymoon stage of a crack. Yeah, you're gonna...

Did you smoke crack? No. Did you? No, never. He already asked me this guy. Yeah, I know. He was in like... He was like, hey, you do.

I was drilling it. You did. Because I didn't believe it. I think if you sell enough at some point, you're gonna try it. Yeah, I understand that. You're gonna try it. What? Why?

Because it's around, and it's curiosity, and boredom, and... What? What am I selling these working class people? Exactly. What am I selling these working class people? And what were you selling them? Crack. Poison.

Poison. And never once. They fucking never. But why would you... It's just on me. When you... I guess because y'all ain't never sold. But when you're around people that fucking smoke crack, you look at them like, I'll never

do this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ever. That's what it's like. I know, but the human experience has a lot of... We like to try things that are gonna hurt us anyway. We like self-destruct. I know you're different.

That's the white side of it. You're different. Open another gift. It's time. You're out all the way. Isn't that the whole deal? Uh... Yeah.

But I mean it... No, no, no, but I'm saying don't you let one burn out before the other one goes? Is that a double? It seems like a double. So you light one candle at a time or you light all of them at the same time? Well, you're supposed to do is you light one every night. You light one and it burns out. But we don't have time.

This is why... Oh my God. What is it? Marathon... Marathon Man DVD. Ooh! Marathon Man on DVD! I've never seen this movie.

Are you serious? Yeah. Oh my God. It's a great movie. It's such a good movie. That's good. And is that the CD that goes along with the soundtrack? Barbara Streisand.

My mother's favorite artist. Barbara Streisand. He's essential. Yeah. Apparently my mom says she is the most incredible voice of anyone ever. That's not true at all. But she is a great singer. Yeah.

There's no way she could have the best voice of all time. She's known as a pretty distinct vocalist. It's phenomenal. Yeah. But like what about like... I don't know. Aretha Franklin. Yeah.

What depends on what genre of music you listen to? But what is she? She's considered what? Jewish. She's considered Jewish music? Oh, really? Yeah. Somebody goes, what kind of music do you play?

She's like, Jewish? They're like, I got it. I don't know what she is. I think... I know that there was like a show tune passed. Didn't she do like Yento or Fiddler on the... I don't know. It's the best.

I'm going to say yes. Yeah. I'm just going to say yes. Yeah. That's kind of like how comedians used to do the cat skills. You know, like the... What do they call it? Market.

I'm so ignorant. Yental film? Yeah, there you go. There she is. Yeah. Look at her. Beautiful eyes. Yeah.

What else? Is anything else beautiful? Do you like just her eyes? Don't be. She's shaped like a... What? Like a boy, it seems, in this movie. Give me a good picture of Barbara Streisand.

Yeah, it's a good look. Did you find her attractive? So your mother was obsessed with her, but did you find her attractive when you were a kid? No, I never... No, because she always felt very motherly. And then I'm seeing her in the movies, like Meet the Fockers or whatever. Right.

One of my goals in life is to get my mom meeting Barbara, like, you know... How can we not make that happen? I feel like that's so easy to do. Well... As famous as you are, as connected as you are? I'm not going to reach out to her and be like, hey, can I bother you and have you meet my mom? Why would...

Let me say this. Knowing what you know... Yeah. About sweet Jewish women, like your mom, why wouldn't she want to meet your mom? She would want to, but it's just... You know, I need to... It needs to be like at an event or like there needs to be some sort of like... Right.

We need to like... Create... Pigeon hole this thing. Yeah, we need to make it at where it's like, Barbara! Yeah. You won't believe that, my mom... My mother is... I'm not going to do the show, have my mom...

I was just going to say, why don't we put her on the show? If you're connected, do the surprise type of thing, go there to be... Speaking of which, people can't stop asking me if we're going to do the show again. It's almost annoying. Yeah. And I tell them no. Yeah, we're done. We quit, we retired.

Like I said, I've generated enough wealth to take off. It's well, and you're not alien wealth, but you're getting there. Yeah. We are going to do the show again. We're going to do the show. People stop it. Please stop asking. Can't stop, won't stop.

Can't stop, won't stop. Yeah. We're going to do 50 seasons. Yeah. We're going to do the show again. I think she's beautiful in that. Really? Oh my God.

Not for me. That picture's so for me. I love her. I guess she was okay. Hair and her hat and her eye, I'm so into that picture. Does you find her attractive, Doc? She is. What?

Couple drinks and couple... Couple drinks and... Okay. Yeah. He needs a little bit of intoxication. I look at her like nice little necklace, like just light and subtle. Yeah, sure. But I mean, you know...

Her eyes are like piercing. Yeah. They're beautiful. They're beautiful. Yeah. I love her. In that picture. I love her.

And she's Jewish. She's like... What? She's Jewish? Right? Oh, you're trying to... No, I was over here thinking again. I was like, wait, maybe she's...

Fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. She's also from Iowa. Iowa City. Just like the Beastie Boys. She's got to be from New York. Like you fucking with me, Tino.

Yes, 100%. Of course. Get real. All right. Bring some of the Jewish terms up so we can teach Doc, because Doc needs to learn. I'm learning. All right. Do you know what a Bubby is?

Do you know what that is? No. What the fuck is it? Well, you can read it. Bubby. Oh, grandma. Grandma. You've never heard that before?

Nana. No, not Nana. That's... Puella. Yeah, that's what you're talking about. All right. Now, he just does all of them. He gives him one.

He doesn't stop. Can you call your grandma Bubby? No. Both... My grandmothers were dead before I met... Before I was born. Oof. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Why? Just death. Cancer? Old age? Old age. I don't know why that...

Because that's quick to... I mean, your parents weren't old when they had you. No. They both died like... 60, 70s. Yeah. You're not gonna last long. Is that right before...

I know. I'm 38 and out, brother. This is it. Yeah. 38 and out? Like it's a route. Cowboy. Hitch, right?

38 out. I had a sister and a mother who really acted and treated me and she was a wonderful woman. Yeah. But I called her by her first name. What was her name? Jean. Jean's a great name.

Your grandma's name, too. Yeah. So... If I call my grandma by her first name, she's so mad at me. I call my parents by their first names, too. I would've been knocked out. You do? Yeah, like...

I can't. Yeah. You call mom? Yeah. Mom... What do I call them? It's so weird. Yeah, mom and then...

Daddy-o, pop or... That's cool. Daddy-o and pop or so much more. Or whatever I'm mad about. He called me yesterday. My great aunt doesn't like us calling her by her first name. We have to call her auntie. Auntie's great.

Auntie's great. You have to say her aunt first and then her name. I'll tell you what's not Jewish is auntie. Yeah, you can't do that in the Jewish community. No. I know aunties in the Jewish community. That's a big no. But what happens?

You just get around to it. That's just like... First of all, auntie, 100% is a black term. Oh, it is? Even just aunt. Whites don't do it. Yeah. Whites don't do auntie.

Now, wait a minute. If you watch Desi porn, some of it has auntie in there. Wait, is it? Watch what? Desi porn. Like when you Google Desi porn from porn hub, Desi. Desi? It's India porn.

So they have like auntie... He teaches me stuff. Desi auntie porn is a real... That's a thing that you go to? Like a... I don't know. I just look up Desi and then you just see auntie. Don't be weird.

Just tell me. No, no, I'm telling you straight up. Desi is like Indian porn. But Desi means what? What does Desi mean? I have no clue. All I know is when... Look up Desi.

If you just type in Indian porn, you'll see titles like Desi auntie, Desi, Desi this, Desi that. So then I'm like, oh, okay. Desi is a word used to describe people, culture, and products of an Indian subcontinent and their diaspora. Derived from... What? Zoom in.

Derived from Sanskrit, meaning land, country. Desi traces, or just specifically the people, the country of India, Pakistan, and Banga. So Desi is kind of... It's a regional definition of that area of porn. There it is. Right. Well, so now you know. Now you should learn stuff before you jerk off to me.

What are you guys' process as far as like locating the porn that you jerk off to? Because I feel like the process I use, I don't understand why everyone doesn't. It seems very... I like the algorithm decided for me. Exactly. Yeah. There's as much things as I like. And then it says related videos and then you're...

Always. For the rest of time. I let the algorithm decide. So you let... Here's what we do. You let your cookies match you. Yeah. I let my cookies match for me.

Why am I doing the work? And it does it incredibly. The machine is going to do it better than your brain could ever assemble it. Probably. But I just... Your spontaneity of typing in my own shit and seeing what I get. I never... How much phrases interest you?

Well, Desi porn, obviously. Desi hockey porn. There it is. That's one of them. I'm not just going to a deep rabbit hole, bro. Have you ever dated an Indian girl? No, I've never dated any girl. Only Latina, black and white.

Well, obviously you sexualize them. So you don't want anything to... Well, I just watch them all. I don't discriminate when it comes to porn. I know, but you said you like this category. What I'm saying is, are you attracted to Indian women in real life? No, I'm telling you, I literally go through every race. Oh, so this month is Desi month?

Yeah, I'll be like... Oh, yeah. I'll be like, okay, today they're girls. Let's see what we got. You know what I'm saying? There was an Indian girl that was beautiful. You'd be attracted to her. Yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm at. He likes them all. Yeah. And when it's black history month, do you only jerk off to black porn? Do you feel it's like offensive to jerk off to other porn? Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't even Google. I would go to Desi in honor of respect to the black history.

You know what I'm saying? So I would jack off maybe to Desi so that I won't offend my sex. Oh. You feel what I'm saying? On black history month, you don't jerk off to black porn. Well, we ain't gonna say that. I'm just saying. If I did, if I had that kind of conscious.

If I had a conscious like that, you know what I'm saying? What are your search then, doc? What's your search? Because we're letting algorithm choose. My search is... Man, let me... I just told you, like I go through the different races, right? Yeah.

And then sometimes I'm like, you know what? What these grannies look like, right? What these grannies look like. Yeah, because you know, there's some hot ones out there. Oh, yeah. So then I might hit a little Paul porn, you know what I'm saying? Paul. Yeah, you know, fat-ass white girls.

Yeah, you know what I mean? PAWG. Yeah, always ebony, you know, you can always go that route, but that's just obvious right there. PAWG is such a great term. It's unbelievable. What a term. But my shit is simple though.

I don't like the, like the S&M. I don't like the cuck shit. Like the cuck-hole shit is weird. Yeah, I don't like that stuff. Yeah, when fucking husband and a wife, what is this, man? I don't even like gang bang porn. No. No, I like just one on one.

Now you lost me. No. I'm taking the other car. I gotta go. It's too much. What do you mean? I love it. It's a fantasy I'll never be a part of.

Do you ever notice how like the cameraman always got to be running to see the different action of different people in this life? Yeah, he's busy. Full-time job. Man, he's destruction. You like it on sticks? You like it on a tripod? Oh, dude.

I like a handheld. Let's move around. Let's see it all. I don't like very coordinated, by the way, what a Hanukkah episode. Let's open up another game. You knew it was going to go there. I know, of course. How could I not?

Third candle. I haven't burned all the way. This is the big one. What is, by the way, what night is the night where you really get like probably the best gift? I feel like seven or eight. Oh, so coming to the end. Yeah.

So at the beginning, you get like little tiny- Little knick-macks, little things, and then by the end, you're getting like an Xbox 360. Shit. Do you remember any of the gifts when you were a kid at all? I really, I got like the gaming consoles like at the end. At the end. Yeah. But at the beginning, what is it?

Because I'm trying to learn. It's like little, it's like shit like this. Right. It's like tiny little- Yeah. Knick-knacks stuff. Like figurines, like GI Joes. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That's fine. Clear all that stuff off your desk, all the package stuff. I'm trying to remember. What is this? What did he get? Do you get some great gifts at this? Jerry's apartment in Seinfeld?

Oh my God. That's amazing. Well, who makes this? What a company. Funko. Funko mini-moments. I love this. I love this.

This would be a great middle Hanukkah gift. So this is 4-5. We're a little early. Yeah. Oh, no, you're getting at the right time. No, this is the right, yeah. No, I got a Bruce Lee action figure for that. This is awesome.

Dude, do you see this guy? I got a Bruce Lee action figure from Funko. Oh, from Funko? Yeah, yeah. He just wants to be a part of it. You know what I mean? He really needs to be- It's Funko, though.

I have gifts, too. Like, he needs to be there. That's tight. Weird. That's a great gift. I guess it's stacked. I'm only seeing- And you know Jerry is?

Like, look at what- Of course, Jewish. Am I missing something? I'm only seeing, like, the window. Yeah, no, it's- Look at the back. Yeah, it's like the little cubby. Is it just-

Oh, yeah. This is just one piece. You could collect the whole apartment. So it's a whole center. Oh. Hey, man, we have a low budget on this show. Until we do another season today, if I'm not going to be able to afford the whole apartment.

Okay, I'll take the window and the furnace. This is- Yeah. This is- You know, by the way, that is an integral piece of the show. This little computer desk right there with his little- where his coat rack was,

big moments came from him turning back to camera from there. Yeah. By the way, huge moment from there was when Kramer came and slapped the money on the table when he said I'm out, when they had the who couldn't jerk off. There's some really-

I mean, it is so funny to see- This show shaped so much of my comedic childhood youth. Jeff Shafer. Jeff Shafer. I know. Jeff Shafer, one of the executive producers and- Co-creator. Co-creator on our show is-

One of the early writers. One of the early writers. Yeah. He didn't direct an episode, did he? Of Seinfeld? I don't think so, but he, like, came up with the Festivus poll. Festivus was him.

Yeah, Festivus was the rest of us. That's where he met Larry, and now he just curbed with Larry, too. It's nuts. My favorite episode to this day will always be Kenny Rogers' Roasters, where they switch apartments, where Kramer becomes Seinfeld.

Seinfeld becomes Kramer. Oh, yeah. That's to me. So, it was such a good acting job by Jerry for the first time, because most of the time, he didn't do a lot of acting on the show. No. He played Jerry.

He was breaking the smile. But then he literally became Kramer. It was so good. I was like, man, I wish he did that. Buffy. Oh, my God. The best present you ever got me was the Buffy Comforter. Dude, it's the best.

I love it. It is the best. It's cool. So nice. I love the fabric it comes in. So much softer than cotton. It's so much more softer than cotton. And it's earth-friendly, dude.

It's eucalyptus. It uses 10 times less water to grow cotton. Yeah. To grow than cotton. No more night sweats, Andrew. Get cozy without overheating. That's right. We've talked about it on the show enough.

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