Bad Friends - Cinco de Amigos

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

New Merch Out Now! https://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors: https://www.betterhelp.com/badfriend & https://www.meundies.com/badfriends &  http://hellofresh.com/badfriends12 code: badfriends12 & http://buffy.co code: badfriends  YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Happy 5 de Mayo  6:40 Three Amigos and Fred Asparagus  9:36 Finis Henderson and the Comedy Store Legends  26:00 Bobby and the Other Jules  31:02 Bobby and Andrew's Awkward Moments  46:29 Why Mexico is Better than Spain  50:00 The Nun Who Dated Elvis  1:09:24 Fans Submissions for The Bottoms of Turtle Island More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something. We're bad friends. I saw it. No, listen, you know what it is?

The themes. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do the themes. That's what fucks me up. The themes fuck me up. The theme? Look around. My name is Mario. Aye, aye, aye.

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. Happy Syncode Mario. Bob, Happy Syncode Mario. Happy Syncode Mario. Do you know what syncode mario means, Rudy? No. What is it? You do, you know what it is, right? No, yes I do.

What is it? It's Happy Fifth mayonnaise. Happy Fifth mayonnaise. My favorite single Dan Maya movie is La Bamba. La la la la la la. That's a great movie. Can I ask you a question? I had a dream too Richie.

Your brother was an artist, right? Yeah. Right? And then at the end of the movie, he had to get it out, you know? You have to. I had a dream too. Yeah, but your art's not as good as his. It's really bad.

He's a cartoonist, right? It's bad. Yeah, it's not good. Yeah, so you didn't have to say that out. It's like, you know, it's like, you know, if I was one of the bald ones. Yeah. You are kind of. Oh yeah.

Alec, Billy, Bobby. Yeah, if you were a Baldwin brother. Dude, if I was a Baldwin dude, but I was adopted. If I was genetically. What a good story, by the way. Yeah. You know, the, you know, the Walburgers have a burger joint. Yeah.

The Baldwin's have like a, just like a fucking Korean street food joint. Yeah. Billy. Yeah. The one, the one, the one, the one, the one brother I wouldn't get along with. I think it's Steven. No, you would knock it along with Steven. Because he's kind of all T right.

He's all. He, is he all T right? Yeah. He's kind of like, you know, right-wing a little bit. Oh, he is. Yeah. He doesn't get along with Alec and all those guys. I mean, they still hang out and stuff.

And Alec is like fucking so far left. Yeah. He's the most left and his brother is super, super far right. Yeah, but Steven's daughter. And Bobby's in the middle. But Steven's daughter. Hmm. She's hot.

She is? Isn't she dating? Who's dating? Justin Bieber? Yeah. That's, oh right. That is his daughter. I thought it was Alec Baldwin's daughter.

No, Steven Baldwin's daughter. Oh, is Haley Baldwin. Haley Baldwin. Haley Baldwin Bieber. Yeah, Bieber. Haley Baldwin Bieber? Yeah. And if I was the adopted, like, adopted, like, uncle.

Yeah. I would probably try to tackle out of Bieber. So I could get in there. Can you imagine trying to convince her to be with you instead of Justin Bieber? Yeah. Go ahead and do it. I'm Haley Baldwin.

That's creepy though. I'm Haley Baldwin. Go. Well, since I was adopted. I would have a little accent. Yeah, you of course you would. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, what's up? Oh, Bob. Hey, it's so good to see you. Are you going to join us for dinner? No, no. I want to talk to you. Oh, what's up? You want to talk to me alone?

No, you know, back in the shed. You want to go outside to the shed? Yeah. I'm going to talk to you real quickly. Let me just ask Justin. Justin, is that okay? Yes, it's fine. Justin, get the fuck out of here.

Hey, hey. Don't talk to Justin like that. By the way, you did a great show at the fight. You remember where he did the fight? Oh, yeah. Yeah, very good, very good. Yeah, you did, baby. Yeah, yeah.

We'll be right back. We're going to go to the shed. Well, she's Justin all of a sudden. She's Justin all of a sudden. We're going to go to the shed, okay? Yeah. Okay, have a good time. Okay, here we go.

Anyway, anyway. What did you want to talk to me about? I want to talk to you about unusual suspects. You're your dad. You're my brother. Steve, your dad, my brother. Yeah. He did a real good job.

It's so good. In that movie. It's so good. Yeah, you know, who else was it? It was Kevin Spacey. Yeah. I went to the premiere. Kevin Spacey.

Yeah, yeah. I love him. Yeah. He's a very good actor, you know what I mean? He's such a people person. Yeah. Well, when I went to the premiere, you know what I mean? Unusual suspect premiere, right?

Kevin goes, come to the bathroom like I did with you at the shed. Yeah, sure. He did the one, come to the bathroom. What did you guys do in there? Well, I peed in the, you know, when I go to the bathroom, I wash my hand first. Yeah. I wash my hand twice. I wash my hand first, right?

I pee, right? Because I'm from China, originally. Really? Yeah. I thought you were Korean. No, originally. Oh, originally. I'm from China, right?

Yeah. So I go in, I wash my hand for, right? I pee, right? Then sometimes I get the pee pee on my hand. Sure. I wash again, right? Anyway, deep time, I wash my hand, right? And Kevin washes his hand, but not in the closet on my ass crack.

I don't know why he was doing it back there, but he was just kind of doing this. You know what I thought you were saying? I thought you were going to say, while you're washing your hand, Kevin Spacey put his penis in between your hands while you're washing your hand. That's funny. That's a funnier. You're like, what? That's a funnier?

Oh, you wash your hands? That'd be funny. He just slips his dick and he's like, he's like, what's going on? Yeah, and it would be weird because your hand would be wet. Yeah, that'd be good. But you're like, I can't keep, this soap won't come off. Oh, there he is. There's Space Dog.

Anyway, I don't know why I brought you to the show. Oh yeah, I forgot. I was telling you, I was just telling you. I was telling how much I love our YouTube suspect. Anyway, just some people, he gay. He is? I know for fuck he gay. Okay.

Because when Kevin Spacey, when I was washing my hand and his penis was in my hand, right? He told me, he goes, yeah, do it like, do it like Bieber do it. Oh, just like Bieber do it. So I was going, what Bieber, what? Two and two click in my head, right? I go, aha, right? And number two, you know, you and I are not blood related. That's the pitch.

You know, we're not blood related. But you know what? What? If you were hitting on me and I was Haley Bebald Bieber, I'd be into it. No, I don't think so. I would. Especially when you have those beanies on. Let me tell you something.

When you wear beanies, your sex quotient goes through the roof. Without beanies, fine, you're cute, Bob. Yeah. With the beanie, there's something that you do with the little beanie. Do you wear beanies when you're naked? I do. I sometimes I'll wake up, right? I mean, look at this.

Your beanie sex quotient goes through the roof. By the way, that picture that I think Liz Vigiano took of you. Which one? With the green shirt top right. Oh, that's dope. I think that's one of the best photos you have. And she's so talented. What's her name again?

Liz Vigiano. Yeah. She's so good. She's the best. So Cinco de Mayo, what else Hispanic movies do you like? Three Amigos. Really good movie. It's such a good movie.

Yeah, really good movie. I mean, granted the three. Did you ever see Three Amigos? Oh, it's a classic. You have to watch it. It is Three White Guys, which does really. It's a little weird. It's a little weird.

Yeah. But you know who was in it? That you don't, you're not aware, but it was a comedy store guy. Hold on. Let me guess. You're not going to guess it. I'll give you a paycheck. You know, this is my wife's favorite movie.

Literally. I guess the name. Okay. So it's a stand up. Right. He's a comedy store legend. Yeah. Right.

He was in the movie. Okay. And was he one of the Mexican gangsters? No. You can't. Okay. Okay. No guesses.

He was Mexican. He still is, I hope. I don't think he was. I don't think he's Mexican real life. But he played Mexican in Three Amigos. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. And he might be, I don't know if we have to look it up later, but he was in the movie and I'll give you all my proceeds that I make now. Seriously. For this episode. And I'll give it to you. Okay. You're never going to guess that's how I pulled up.

Freddie Soto. No. He was fucking, Freddie Soto was three years old when that fucking happened. I know, dude. I know. I don't know. I don't know who it was. His name, but we got the first right name, right?

Freddie Prince? No. His name was Freddie Asparagus. Shut up, Bobby. Freddie Asparagus. Look it up. Freddie Asparagus. That's it.

That was a state. What's his real name? That's his name. The bar? That's him. That's one of my f- I love that guy. That's Freddie Asparagus. I fucking told you, dude.

Freddie Asparagus. Can I tell you something about Freddie Asparagus? That scene. I know. Is one of my f- he's like- He was so good. He was- You'll hear for the Germans.

Yeah. That scene? Yeah. Freddie Asparagus? Yep. He was a comedy store guy? Oh, yeah. Bro.

Yeah. Was he funny? Well, go Freddie Asparagus comedy store. Just see what that happened. But hold on one second. That's one of the best scenes, by the way, when they're like- Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's one of the best scenes of all-

Yeah. I can't- you need to watch three Amigos. Yeah. Yeah, that's okay. It's so sad because there's a whole group of, like, comics that, you know, the comedy store is known for, you know, the famous people that came out of there. Sure. But there are a whole group of guys and girls that, like, almost made it that were, like,

you know, that nobody knows about. I mean, say that's the majority of people, right? Yeah, but they were all- but they were also Mitzi's favorites, so they would get spots every night. Right. Right. So there's, like, you know, Freddie Asparagus, then you have Wild Willy Parsons. I know who that was.

Yeah. Yeah. And then you have- to my outseek, it's Atsuku, which would probably be one- there's a whole group and it's kind of sad. Well, because they were, like, cult classic versus commercial classic films. Same kind of thing. Mitzi liked quirky, weird, specific, really unique comics, but it doesn't mean they were going to have commercial success, but she also knew who was going to blow up.

No, but there was one. Who? Okay, so there was one. If you ask anybody from the 80s, you ask Jim Carrey, you ask anyone from that era, right? Yep. Howie Mandel, whoever it might be, you go, Roseanne Barr, you go, name me one person that back then you thought was going to be the biggest star ever and you've never even heard of him.

His name was Finis Henderson. Finis, look that up, Finis Henderson? I think that's his name. And what happened? Did he die? That's him. He looks like Dice in that top thing. That's Finis Henderson.

He's a weird-looking character. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So this guy, right, apparently when he performed, it was like standing out. Like he just- But you know why? Huh. Because he sang, danced, didn't press. He sang dead impressions, twist, twirl, right?

In a 15-minute spot. Yeah. And then people in the back would be like, oh, fuck, I got to follow this guy. Because anyone that does music and does the dancing, right, and he crushed it, I heard. Is he not still around? Did he pass away? I don't know. I've never met him.

Go to the picture of him and the white beater on the down left, third row, yeah. So that's Finis now. And he can do your hedges and plant- For $13.99, he looks like it's not going as well as it was when you were talking about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what's so weird about it? He's like an extra in Oz.

That's what he looks like. You know what I mean? Yeah, dude. Like he has one line in Oz. Yeah. Oh, dude. Or he's like, you know, he's the guy, in a movie, he's the convict, right? That's older.

He's- That cleaned up his act and is teaching other kids. Yeah, yeah. I'm not doing that no more. Yeah, he's that guy. I mean, Fin, you were the one that let this block. Right. Look at the vein.

Like, how about this? It's like the guy that took that head shot. Can he have said, hey, did you take any photos where it didn't expose every vein in my neck? Actually, I bet he wants that as the look. Yeah. Or can you Photoshop all the veins in my neck? Hey, you're my photographer. I'm Fin.

Yeah. This is a regular photo. Tell me to give you some more vein. Here's the first shot. Ready? Yeah, yeah. No, Fin? Yeah.

Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah. Right before I shoot, don't breathe for like 15 seconds. Okay. Right? And also just tense your body up. Okay. And then lean your head back.

Yes. Right? Yeah. Especially on your neck. Just tense over there, but don't breathe as well. Is that good for photos, you think? It's great. People love it.

You're going to work all the time. All right. Well, give me the camera. I'll tell you what's big right now. Rolls. A lot of rolls where convicts need to shoot heroin through their neck. Oh, really? Yeah.

There's a lot of parts that way. Okay. Heroin neck shooters. All right. Cam up. Let's go. All right. So anyway, do not breathe.

I'm ready. You're breathing. Bring up the camera and let's go. Stop breathing. Ready? All right. One, two, three. That's what it is.

I hope Fin is doing well, by the way. I hope you're doing well. I don't know where you are. Also, look at his lips. Right? Yeah. Work that. Work that.

Look at that. And how about this? Can I say this too? Whoever did the headshot, right? Or his makeup, right? Could he have said, hey, do you guys have anything, a moisturizer for my lips? No? Chopstick?

Nothing? We don't. We don't. Okay. Just go. We're in the desert right now. I don't know why we're shooting in the desert, but holy shit, dude. Put something on there.

Or Fin. Fin, I hope you're doing well, whoever. So he used to be the crusher. Well, you know, maybe he's still doing great, and he's doing his own thing, and he's doing his own way. I have one more name for you. I wonder why these stories don't work. Beaumont.

Beaumont Green? Beaumont Bacon. Beaumont Bacon? Just stop for a second. Why did everybody have names like this? Beaumont Bacon, dude, right? Beaumont Bacon was a Japanese guy. No.

Beaumont Bacon was a woman. Really? Yeah. That's her right there. That's Beaumont Bacon. There's Beaumont Bacon. I love Beaumont Bacon. So Beaumont Bacon was in the movie, Jerry Maguire.

She had one line. Wait. You're not going to remember. I used to jerk off to that movie. What? Opening scene. He's having sex with her in his... Don't you remember the opening scene?

I used to jerk off to Reanimator. What? You know what Reanimator is? No. Reanimator was a horror movie. Reanimator? Yeah, Reanimator. A movie.

Did you like that movie? B movie. It's a B movie. Yeah, it's called Reanimator. Oh, dude. All right. So there's a scene where I think this woman is like, she had her tits out. That's hot.

Right? So I would pause the AVCR. Yeah. Right? Because back then when you're in high school... We had VCRs. You can't have borders on the internet. You can't find it.

You can't find it. I don't have a car. I can't go nowhere. Right? You have to pause to have those tits. So you have to get what you get. Right? Right?

So she was like... There was a... A freezer tip. Right? Yeah. And I would pause perfectly. Right? And I would look to see if my parents were like...

Oh, frantically. Yeah. And then I would feel... You know that feeling? Yeah. Of when you... After you unload... Shame.

Shame. It's like a hole... In your gut. Yep. And you can feel the wind blowing through it. It's so empty. Yeah, you feel like... You feel...

You feel like the saddest boy in the world. Yeah. And then meanwhile you're just sitting there after your nut and you have like... Come on your hand. A little teenage come. Yeah. Yeah. So it's very sticky.

Viscous. Viscous. Viscous. Yeah. And you have a dog, whatever, right? There's just a sadness there. You call your dog you... Come here.

Come here, Pooncho. I'll have a dog. No? I'll have a dog, no. You grab a couple of socks. Yeah. That reanimator, the headless tit thing. Look, dude, we all had to do what we have to do.

I don't think she was headless though. I don't know. I don't think she was headless. She was dying. Someone was headless in the scene. I don't think she was. I think at somebody was headless. I mean, I used to do it to scramble television, scramble porn channels.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you'd get like... of that noise, you do one more and you'd see maybe a little half tit that would fade in and zap away. We had a jerk off to imagination. I masturbated to medical books. What? Like from health class or something? Yeah. There was like a uterus from like a bird's eye view. You know how a drawing of a woman's body? Yeah. Right? Half of it's like inside. It's open.

All of her insides, you know what I mean? Right? Her lungs where the ribs are, right? In the other half, right? So I would just close one eye. I would close one eye and just say I've had it. I would like anything. Yeah. Anything. Well, dude, I mean, Victoria's Secret was my mom never got it. She's like, I can't believe I don't get those anymore. I'm like, yeah, I can't believe you don't get them either. I don't know where they all went. Meanwhile, like underneath your mattress is like, you know what I mean? Oh, dude, you could, I would use it. I would jerk off in it. Yeah. And then I would stuff it in my backpack, rolled up, you know, filled with and I put it in my backpack. And on my way to school, I would hide it in other trash cans in the neighborhood.

I can admit that's something that. Give it, baby. All right. So there was this girl named Rebecca Druskin. Do we want to say her name? Yeah, she's a friend. Okay. No. And she used to date this guy. My name Michael Carano. Do we want to say his name? Yeah, because he works for the improv. We're good. He's a good friend of mine. Then we're great. So Rebecca, you're not going to be a finder. Well, don't Google her. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, that's Google. Leave bacon up there. Yeah. I want to tell you about your bacon. Yeah, I want to know about Beaumont bacon. I'll tell you about Beaumont bacon. Tell me she has a Southern accent. She does. 100%. Okay. So let's go to Beaumont first

and then I'll go to the next. Okay. Okay. So because I don't want to see her face anymore. Are you kidding me? I love it. Yeah, I want to get rid of it. She goes, hey, hey, y'all. So Beaumont bacon was like one of those girls that Mitzi always put on at 10 o'clock Friday, Saturday. She got 10 spots. Oh, yeah. That's incredible. And she was a screamer. Were people coming to see her? Are you okay? Oh my God. Have some Red Bull, Papa. Okay. I think that's what the problem is. That's okay. Have more. Yeah, you always got to fix the problem with the problem. So she would destroy it, right? But she was like, she was a female version of Sam Kinnison. Right. That kind of screaming. High level,

super high energy. And so many male comics were like trying to get her out of there. Because they were threatened by her. I think at the end of the, this is a time when there was not, Chelsea Handler wasn't around. None of the girls were around, right? Right. The class of people that we know now. So back then the comedy store was run. I was a kid. Was Margaret there then? She wasn't a store person. But there was not a lot of girls. All the women that would tell you about right now, you've never heard of. Give me some of them. There was this one named Cheryl Vendetti, who used to wear a, like it was those feathered scarfs around her neck. And she would wear like a 1940s, you know what I mean? She's like Natasha Leggero.

Yeah. But she was a wait, like a waitress from like in New York in the 40s, you know, right? Or tap dance. I don't know what they did back then. But they all tap danced. Yeah. Yeah. Now I've got your dream. She would come in and with the makeup and she would do a thing. Then we had a guy named a girl, you mean? Oh, yeah, girl. Then we had a friend of mine, Kelly Kirsten, who's now a producer on E, but she was very funny, but not a lot of people that you would hear of. But she, the guys throughout pretty much. But Beaumont Banking got pushed out. She was she was because she would crush at 10. I always liked her and people couldn't follow her. No. That's the insecurities through the roof. Yeah. Yeah. She was so funny. And then you never saw

her again. But see, what was different about that era and I don't want to stick on it for much longer because who cares? But it was different about that era to me from an outside perspective was that was threatening when someone is crushing harder than you. And now I think when people are doing well on 15 minute handoff spots, it's only good for you. If you crush before me, it's so good for me because then it necessarily what do you mean? Because, you know, I one time I made the mistake of calling Adam and go, you know what, dude, I want to grow. And he goes, what do you mean? I go, well, because you give me really good spots. I always got like 945. Yeah, you had you had cake spots at cake spots. Yeah. Put me on 11. Exactly. Right. Mariah had to used to be right.

And he goes, all right. So it was like the one of the lines was like, killers from 9am, 9pm, I mean, till 11. But it's like, but right before me, it's usually like Rogan, Diaz, you know, you, it was just like, and I just realized that after about 11, there's an energy drop. Big time, right? Big time. So when I went up there with my usual life, what's I'm going to crush? And then you, you immediately notice it's not working. Now you have to change. So then you have to start thinking of how to change it. Yeah. Your energy level. Right. And start doing self deprecate, you know, and then so what I would do, I would say, honest things. Like, this is my fault for calling Adam, he get you. Tell them what happened.

And they usually laugh at that. But my point is, is that it's not necessarily true. Well, I just think that's, I think more now than ever was like, there was like, because guys back then used to do, they would go way over their time because they could and they didn't give a fuck about someone by, I don't, that didn't happen as much in our era that it did in that era. You grew up with famous guy will do as long as he wants. And you just have to deal with it. Things around the famous guy was, I hate to talk shit, but like, go ahead. We have this guy named Anan Chalani. Nonchalant. Anan Chalani. I'm nonchalant. Yeah. And he was Indian, obviously. Yeah. Indian accent. Non bread, nonchalant. That would be a great Indian. He was a doctor. He was

like going to medical school. Right. And he would, he would say, I don't know even why, you know what I mean? Mexican. That's how he sounded. He had an Indian, probably had an Indian accent. No, this is not, this is the way he sounded. Nonchalanti. This is the way he sounded. You didn't let, you didn't even know him. You sound like a Mexican magician. Okay. Can I do my story? Is this your card? So what? So nonchalanti. Yeah. He came up to me. I won't do the accent then. Please, for fun. All right. Thank you. So I would like to thank you. You would say, I don't even know why, you know, I'm like a regular. I just opened mic one night, meets the game and said, you know what I mean? You're regular. That's literally the truth. Yeah, yeah. He was a doctor

who was just fucking around. Yeah, yeah. I goofing around. I told my friends that I tried to open mic and. But did he crush? No. He would just bomb. So Saturday night, I cut to Saturday night, like six months later, right? I'm following him. But I'm in the hallway. There's a waiver for your time. Yeah. And I'm talking to like, I don't know who, and then all of a sudden he just got up. He just got, I heard his name up two minutes later. I'm just talking to somebody. I hear, bubby. I'm not kidding you. It's nonchalanti. Yeah. And I look in the showroom and he sweat, just sweat dripping down his face. For sure. You're right. I think I'm done. And I go, you know what? I went in the OR and I never saw him after this. I screamed. He killed

himself. Do your time. Like a fucking asshole. He did. Did you make him do 15 minutes? I made him stay up there. Oh, Bobby. No. Yeah. 15 minutes. You got to do your time. Nonchalanti, for sure, walked into some kind of traffic. You got to do your time. Yeah. He's like, well, that's it for me. What are you wearing right now, Bob? Andrew, I am wearing beyond these as we speak. Yep. And it's my favorite underwear that I own. And I love underwear. This is my favorite one, because I love the prints. I love the way it feels on my body. Yeah, prints that no one else has. Yeah. And they have a vast variety of them. Yeah. Where I really enjoy and they're cute. Meundies are so comfortable, so soft. You're not going to see them. They don't show through your

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and many, many, many, many, many more. Many, many more. Go ahead. You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. One time, because I couldn't get girls. Right. So careful here. How stalkery was this? No, nothing like physical. Right. Right. Just follow you home and watch you at night when you sleep. No, no, no, nothing like that. Just sharpening a knife. No, no, no, nothing like that. What was it? So Rebecca Druskin, right? So I worked at a coffee shop with her.

Which one? It was called Disc Cafe and a radio station in San Diego called 91X. 91X Disc Cafe. Go get yourself a cup of coffee from the hot Korean guy down there. It was a cool alternative station. They owned it. Right. Right. And it was cool, the Disc Cafe, because I would be washing dishes there. We had a stage. It was the first cafe that I knew about, and this is in the early 90s, right, where we were a record store as well. That's cool. So you could listen to CDs. Well, you had coffee? Well, you had coffee. We had listening stations.

Oh, that's cool. And you could buy stuff. Right. Not only did that, but it's like we had a stage as well. Like for performances? For music. And people would just hop up there, but we wouldn't let anyone up there. I'm not kidding you. One time I was sitting there washing dishes and I was with Mike Halloran, who owned Disc Cafe. We're still a friend of mine. I talked to him the other day. And he goes, oh, Jewel's here. So Jewel would go up on stage. Jewel's.

No, not her. Jewel's. Jewel the singer. Yeah, Jewel's. Not this Jewel. Jewel's. So Jewel's was there. She was not even existing then.

Huh. Yeah. Yeah. So Jewel would go up there, or like Frank Black from the Pixies would go up acoustically. It was cool. Jewel would show up? Yeah, because she's from San Diego. I thought she was from Canada. No.

Really? I have a funny Jewel's story. Who will say you're so her? Yeah, I have, I have a, did I ever tell you about the Fishbowl Jewel's story? No, I hit me with it. Okay, so I was, so there was this coffee shop called Java Joe's. Okay. In Pacific Beach.

Yeah. This is a true story. Okay. So this is when I was maybe two years into doing stand-up, but I could crush for five minutes. Yeah, you were murderous for five minutes. I was a murderer for five minutes. Six minutes off of a cliff. I'd eat it, I'd eat it, right?

So like, and whenever I, Java Joe had a big crowd, right, he would call me and go, Hey man, I got a big crowd here. Do your five minutes and crush. Right. Right. And so, he calls me one night because I can't, I don't know what's going on, man, but it's fucking packed in here, man. Come do the five.

I called other artists as well, right? So I had another gig, but I'm like, I can fit it in, then I can go do my other gig. So I drive down there and I walk in and when you walk in, there's a little table to your left and a fishbowl full of business cards. Right. Right. And the business goes filled with business cards. Right.

I guess that's how they got, I don't know. That's how they win a dinner or something. I don't know. I don't know. Or that's like a key part. I don't know why it's there. And I walk in and Jules there. Jules.

Yeah. No, the secret tool, right? Oh, right. And I'm standing there and Joe, Joe tells Jules, hey, can he go up? You know what I mean? Can he go up? You bumped Jules. No.

And I, for five minutes. And I, and it, Jules was already like on the cover of Time Magazine at the time. What? What's she doing at Java, Joe? She lived in San Diego. She lived in like Del Mar in that area. Sure. So I go, hey, can I do five minutes before you?

Why? Right? Like that? Yeah. She goes, you know, I'm just going to just do my little set and then leave and then you can go up. It'll be like five minutes. I'm going to go five minutes. So I go, okay. And now I know I'm going to eat it, right?

Yeah. So he, she's up there. She sings one song. And the crowd gives her a standing ovation in this coffee shop. Yeah. Right. And then they go, one more, one more, one more. Right, right?

She goes, I'll do another one. Of course. And she does another one, right? One more, one more, one more. She does another one. And then she does in the middle of, now it's 30 minutes. Two albums. And I got to go.

Yeah. Right. And I'm furious too. I'm in a rage, right? And this is so embarrassing. So she, she's singing like a very sensitive song. This is a new one. It's about heartbreak or whatever.

It's my grandfather, good HIV. And it's, you could hear a pin drop in the room, right? And I don't know what came over me, but I was so angry. I kicked. I kicked the table where the fishbowl is. With the business cards? Bobby. All right.

So right. So she's singing it and I kick it, right? And I can see the business, the fishbowl. And it's a slow motion, right? And it falls off, right? The table. Psssh. Bob.

Ding. She stopped playing. The whole place turns around it. And I go, I don't know why I said this. I go, that's right. I go, that's right. That's right. I said, that's right.

And I left and never played it again. That's right, Jewel. Now let's say Jewel. Clean up these fucking business cards. So it's embarrassing. I already told you. So that happened. That's funny though.

That's right. It's insane. I want you to reach out to her. It's insane behavior. Let's call Jewel. She's not going to remember. Let's call her. So anyway, also Rebecca Draskin.

I work at the coffee shop. That's what it is. Jamba Joes. No, at this cafe. All right. Am I boring you? No. OK.

So she used to work there with me. She's short blonde hair. Yeah. Glasses. Yeah. And I had a crush on her. No, I can tell. And one night I was with my brother, Steve.

You know? The. Yeah, the crazy. I go, Steve, it's like one in the morning. And I go, can I just, I've been doing this lately. Can I just park outside this girl's house? Bobby. Stop.

I didn't do anything weird. That's not weird. Just if you're safe. This is when somebody kills a famous person. They're like, I just want. I want to make sure no one else kills you. She's going to go PB and she had in the second floor of this. And you would park outside of her window.

Across the street. And like a slow, you know, like in the movie Taxi Driver. When she's with a curtain drawn in the. Yeah. You know Taxi Driver that my room's Scorsese scene? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Same thing.

Yes. Right. And I would just wait till her the bedroom light turned off. Oh, Bobby. And I would drive away. Bobby. What? Didn't do nothing.

It's just so strange. I admit it. Real quick, by the way, I cannot wait till this video is being played in court and they pause it and they go, your honor, no further. To present. I went to a rehab with this girl named Tara Black. Cool. She lived in Encinitas.

And one night, I don't know what happened, but she goes, spend the night. She was so cute. In her room. No, she made, she was, we'll watch movies and my, she'd live with her parents. This isn't at rehab. No, this is after rehab. So I was still in high school. Right on.

Right. So she, and Ed, this is so embarrassing. I love this. I've already told this a long time ago or something, but she fell asleep on the couch and I pretended I was, her little feet were in the blankets like this. Careful now. I am careful. Go on.

This is not illegal, I did. Sure, go on. And I would get my, because it was dark. So I tried to get my light adjusted to, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Your eyes adjusted to the light. The dark, the dark night. Sure.

Right. Kind of like Bane did in that prison. Good comparison. Let the eyes adjust. Yeah, let the eyes adjust. And I would just stare at her fucking feet. Just her toes. For 10 hours until she woke up.

You wouldn't touch her? I would wait until the light went up. No, I would just stare at her toes. You wouldn't touch yourself? No. Okay, don't. With me, I'm a criminal? Don't act like that's crazy.

I'm not a criminal, man. You slowly peeled her feet out and stared. It doesn't mean I'm not a bad guy, man. Okay, okay, but you just watched, so you just watched her toes? Yeah. And what was it about the toes? Just I'd never seen white feet. Right, it's us.

No, not yours, guys. I've never seen white female feet. I got nice toes. I'm pretty sure they're good, but I'm going to pass for now. But I've never seen white feet, and they would glow. I've only seen yellow feet. Bring up some white toes. Don't do that.

I'll stare at that forever. Wow. I will stare at that. Okay, that one. Like in the dead center, third row down. Dead center. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is...

That. So that's what, yeah, I mentioned that, right? Right, and I couldn't believe it. Because the only female feet I'd seen was my mother's. And they were like, they were hooves. Claws. And here, they had like, yeah. They had like nail growing over it.

Scratch the wood floor with two more. Exactly, right? She was scratch. You know what I mean? But that is what you saw. Yeah, so I saw that, right? It's just imagine that glowing with my eyes adjusted, right? And seeing it, right?

And imagine me just not in a sexual way. No, just you're fantasizing. Just, you know, not fantasizing either. Doesn't have to be nasty. It's not even nasty. It's just, it's like seeing something like, like, I'll be honest with me. If you were in England.

I'm there now. Okay, and you were in a, you know, a field frolicking. Hello, mate. Right? By yourself. Why am I alone? Just in the, in the scenario, you're alone. I'm alone.

Okay, all right. I see it. So imagine it's prairie land. Hmm, I love it. Green pastures. Yeah. Rolling hills. There's a little forest to your left.

No, no, no, no. Don't do that. Okay. This is way, this is thousands of years before that. Okay, got it. And to your left, you see what you think is a horse. God damn, that looks like a horse. It's a white horse, right?

Looks like a white horse. Yeah. And then as it comes out, slowly comes out of the forest. Look at the size of it's dick. That's not what, that's not what I'm looking at. That's not what I'm looking at. No, no, that's not what you're looking at. All right.

Okay, so I see the horse come out. And you realize it's a fucking unicorn. Whoa. Imagine that. I see it. Yeah. You would be shocked and you would stare at it for 10 hours like I did with these feet.

And that's the way, that's the feet. Yeah. I get it. Something I didn't think knew existed. This is because you loved her. That's love. You were, you were obsessed with her. Jules, do you think I'm a creep?

Yeah. Really? Maybe I am. That's creepy thing, right? It's really creepy. If you woke up, if you were hanging out with a guy that was friends with you, right? Like when you go to college and unfortunately,

when you start dating, which I'm not a fan of, and a guy says, let's hang out and you guys are hanging out. Let's just say you're watching a movie and you see him staring at your feet. What's your first thought? I'd be really scared. Call the cops. No, you wouldn't.

Call the cops. You wouldn't call the cops. That seems like a murder. Okay, if I'm sleeping, I'm sleeping. I'm gonna sleep, right? Mike and I go, my toes seem, you know, a little chilly, right? I open my eyes and some chick is staring at my feet, but not in an angry way.

In a delightful way. Coveting your feet. Not coveting. It's more like, you know, walking by, you know, being an orphan, right? In France. Yeah, I'm there. Walking by.

I'm there. You know, a piece you shove with the windowsill. And looking at the fresh baked, you know what I mean? Hello. Right? Yeah. And then you're like, I wish I could have that, but I can't afford it because I'm an orphan.

They have no money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am poor. So that's what it is. That's the same thing. Exactly what it is. It's not sexual. But you think it's really creepy, huh?

Really creepy. Yeah. Why? Well, I'm like, really creepy because I don't want someone just looking at my feet. And like, I don't know what his ideas are. What is the idea? What? What would be an idea?

Well, what was your idea when you were doing that? It's, it's like a science. No one's attacking you. Just what do you think was going on in your head when you were watching it? I was like, I found her attractive. Of course. Right. And were you nervous to be laying next to her?

I was on the floor. And she was on the couch. Yeah, I'm not laying next to her. Oh, I didn't know. She was like, sleep on the floor. You didn't make it. The immigrant. You basically was the, you know.

Chinese people go on the floor in my house. Yeah. Right. So you were nervous to be around her. I'm on the floor. But you put her feet out. I can hear her little cute snoring. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. I got, it's time. And you slowly. It's feet time. Feet time. Right. And I.

You don't like it. I don't like it. Jewels. Yeah, yeah, jewels. This is not that bad. Also, this is not, listen, jewels, right? This is in the 80s. Times were different back then.

You were allowed to look at broads feet. Yeah. I'll tell you, you know what? You just, for some reason, remind me of, I just, when you're nervous. You've never done anything like that, like with a girl. I'm honest, no, but, but, but like, but I'm just being honest. But like also, you just made me think of a time when like, when girls used to make me so nervous because I,

they were out of my league. Exactly. Okay. So like this, like there was a girl in college. I was in love with her. Like I had the biggest crush on her and her friend kind of liked me. But I, her friend was like, her friend was a beast. She was gross.

And I kind of would hang out with them just to get close to the girl that I liked. But the friend kind of took it as a, you know, like whatever. Anyway, one night we all get drunk and the friend passes out. And I kind of admit to this girl that I'm, you know, into her. How do you do it? Do you do it in a confident way or are you nervous? Make a joke, make a joke, make a joke, make a joke. It was always make a joke.

Okay. I'm the girl. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So, so that my friend, the ugly one is asleep. Right. She's asleep.

Yeah, she's gone. What's her name? Barbadook. Okay. Barbadook just really passed out. Yeah, she sure did. I mean, it's a lot of weight. You got to kind of get off those knees at some point.

That's mean. No, I'm just, I'm kidding around. I'm just joking around. She's my best friend. No, I know, I know. I just, she did complain about her knees in her back earlier. So I just was saying she needed maybe rest. Yeah.

I just thought you were doing a fat joke or something. Oh my God. No. And Barbadook isn't fat. That's not her name. Really? No, her name was Sally. Yeah, I know.

But Barb, she, Oh, you're the only one that calls her Barbadook. I do. I guess I do. What does Barbadook mean? It means fat. It means fat queen. Yeah, yeah, fat queen.

So anyway, I don't, I don't, I don't even want to watch Last Action Hero. I don't want to watch this anymore. I think it's one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's best work. It is, but I don't want to watch this right now. I got to be honest with you. I just hung out after she's fallen asleep

and I don't want to go home because I have this huge crush on you and I know you're way, way out of my league, but I figured maybe, you know, it's the off season and you might want to hang out with a practice squad sometime. Is that really your angle? I mean, I'm just doing that now with a joke.

That's really cool. Did it work? That worked. Would you have slept with me? Yes. Because all those little things means a highly elevated sense of humor.

Because I was joking about myself. It's not, it's not like, you know, preteen or post-teen, you know what I mean, dick humor. It's elevated. All right, so check this out. So after whatever I did to hit, whatever we said, I don't remember.

She's into it. We go back into her room. Had sex at this point in my life. It wasn't like a weird, it wasn't like a, like this was not an abnormal thing to go back to a girl's room or come to my room. I went in there and she lay down on the bed and took

her pants off, like almost immediately. Oh. And I got so nervous by her, uh, progressive, but her just being like taking her pants off. Yeah, yeah. I locked up and I'm not kidding. Yeah. I kept all my clothes on and I just went down on her for like 20 minutes.

I just dove. Listen, listen, man. What? What? Jules is here. Oh, you said way worse in front of her. I never did that. Talk about going down on someone? Please. You've talked about getting your penis sucked by a retarded person. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

My bad, my bad Jules. No, but I, but, but that, and I could only do that. I was like paralyzed with the fear that it, I didn't make another move to have sex with her. Wow. And I just good went down on her. Did she, excuse my language Jules, did she orgasm?

No. No way. You didn't have the technique back then? No, I was a freshman in college. Yeah. And I was also... You have good technique now, though, no? Oh, yeah. Your license professional, right? Oh, my God. Can I see your card? Yeah. Yeah, I got my wallet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

No, but I was so nervous that it kind of just ended naturally. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I actually think she pulled me up to like kiss or hang out and then we just turned over and I fell asleep before she could wake up. It was like 5 or 6 a.m. I got the fuck out of there. I was like, fuck this. Wow. Because she paralyzed me with how like... Hot she was. Hot and cool.

And I was, I knew I couldn't do it. Yeah. I bailed. Wow. Oh, I bailed. You're a pussy. Oh, bro. Yeah. Oh, bro. Everyone's had those where they're like intimidated and they, they, I fucked up. Yeah. I just, there was no, her taking off her pants, I vividly remember being like, she has all the power.

I have no control. You have no power. Yeah. I just felt like, I just jumped in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just like dove head first into the puss pond. Yeah. Do you like it when they tell you what to do down there or do you like just improvising? Well, yeah. As you get older and sex, I love the communication.

Right. And when you're young, no one talks. Yeah. Because when they tell me what to do, in my head, I don't think I can do it. Right. So then I panic. Yeah. That's a freak out mode. She's like, yeah, can you just do it quickly up of to the left? And I get like, it's like map quest. I don't know. Right. I don't know. You know what I mean?

It's like trying to memorize a code. Is there an ad in an app? Yeah, for a video game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, AB up, what is it? Left, right? I've had girls say, that's not it. And then you go, but that's all of it. Yeah. I'm doing my everything. Your buttholes, your buttholes, your butthole, lady. Hello, Fresh. Oh, my God.

I ate this last night for dinner. It's so funny because Sunday night I ate it and I always order some sort of version of a hamburger that they have. Yeah. I really like it. Yeah. It's better than any hamburger I've ever had. And you self make it. Yeah. You know. I make it myself and it's cool.

You know, you open it up and you don't get the stress like, am I able to have the skills to make this? The directions are very simple. So easy. And you can tell that the ingredients are so fresh. Yeah. No, they're really good. So we had pork loin and carrot slaw. And I got to cut the carrots. Yeah.

I got to cook the pork. It's super easy. They offer 25 plus recipes to juice from every single week from vegetarian to Kraft burgers like Bobby likes, extra special gourmet options. Honestly, there's something for everybody. If you hate cooking, this is so easy. But also, this is my favorite part of it,

is they use fresh ingredients. Yeah. That are sourced directly from growers and delivered from the farm to your front door in under a week. Contact free, of course. Yeah, that's awesome. I'm telling you, we're big advocates of this. It's easy for me because I'm not that good at cooking

but all you need to do is do what they say and the meal comes out delicious. It's very, very good. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Bad Friends 12. Use the code BADFRIENDS12 for 12 free meals. Oh, my God. Including free shipping. Oh, Lord. That's pretty incredible, right? Yeah.

I'll say it again, man. Yeah, do it. You got to go to HelloFresh.com slash BADFRIENDS12 and use code BADFRIENDS12 for 12 free meals including free shipping. That's insane. That's Hello Fresh America's number one meal kit. Get some. Buffy. Oh, my God. Remember when you first

gave me a Buffy? Yeah, it changed your life. It's the only good thing you've done for me. Come on. Oh, you've done a lot of it. Thank you, but that was the most important one. That's the most important one. Bye, Far. I love comfy. You know, jewels I know on her bed, you know those sheets that you use in the blanket? Buffy. Is Buffy. Yeah. We use Buffy as well.

She doesn't know because she doesn't care. But you know what? We're trying to provide the good thing for our family here at Bad Friends. No more night sweats. Get cozy without overheating. This design is breathable at night. I love this. I used to sweat all the time. Yeah. And I didn't get good sleep. It's softer than cotton and naturally soothes

the skin. I love it. It's earth-friendly. Eucalyptus uses 10 times less water than cotton to grow its fiber. It's also, sorry for interrupting. No, do it. It's also hyper-allergenic. Yep. Plus, his high-thread count shuts out dust, mold, and mites for a healthier sleeping environment. Cruelty free, baby. Cruelty free.

Why not choose a 100% plant-based bedding that's better for you and for the earth? You can try it on your bed for free. If you don't like it, you return it for how much, Bob? Free. Nothing. All right. This is wonderful. I have it at my house

on both of the beds in my home and I highly recommend it. So for $20 off your Buffy Comforter, visit Buffy.co and enter the code BADFRIENDS. At $20 off for your Buffy Comforter, visit Buffy.co and enter the code BADFRIENDS. So, what's up, blood friends?

I love you guys. Greetings from Tijuana, a city that Bobby knows very well. So, my name is Hector and I'm challenging Andrés to a dance-off to prove that Mexico is much, much better. Much better than Spain.

Yep. Okay. This is that. This is that. This is that. This is that. This is that. All right. Mexico is better because it has more drugs. Mexico is so much better than Spain because they got better music.

Today, I'm going to be telling you about why the Mexico is better than the Spain. Hey, Fancy. You let me know when Spain has Tijuana trainings.

And I'm sure Mr. 45% bisexual would agree with me, right, Bobby? Mexico is better than Spain because as you know and as Rudy knows Spain was really bad to the Philippines

and you know who wasn't fancy? Mexico. I ain't ever heard of Spain having donkey shows and let's be real. If I was in Mexico I'd probably ask someone where I could go see a donkey show. They actually work

days and earn the right to sit around in a hammock at the end of the day. Instead of in Spain where you work a three hour work day go home at noon and sit around drinking te rojo saying things like did you see a Zack Snyder's

Justice League? Spain may have a lot of cool history and you know Christopher Columbus was a badass but Mexico has one thing and that's crazy. Crazy cartel with crazy drugs and crazy sexy ladies and not to mention they're crazy awesome food.

Mexico has everything. The food, the culture. Spain is just like the gay cousin of Mexico. Selena, Cantinflas, Vicente Fernández Frida, Tacos, Angelalas, Chiraquiles,

Tamales, Dia de los Muertos, Tequila, Cancún, Cozumel, Playa del Carmen we have like Bruins, like Native American Bruins so nothing really gets cooler than that.

Spain is only known for colonizing rape and fancy being. Mexico has Mexicans and Spain has Andres.

By the way Jules, you've heard way worse out of him. That wasn't explicit at all. Thank you. She's a grown up. She's 20 in November. But you're not dating anybody until you're married.

I don't want to get married. Then you're never going to date. I dare you to be a nun. Can you be a nun? Why? Let's send her to the nunnery. Can you look up a local nunnery? Let's see what a local nunnery looks like.

It feels scary. Oh no, it's great. Being a nun? No, you'd crush. You'd crush as a nun. The nunnery. There was this documentary about... Can we give them a call? I don't want to be that close to God. No, I don't want to be that close to good luck.

I like how they're closed. I like how there's a time for the nuns. Yeah, yeah. Did you see that documentary about that nun that used to date Elvis back in the day? A movie star. Wait, this sounds familiar, but maybe you told me this?

None dated Elvis? Yeah, yeah. When before she was a nun, Dolores Hart. Dolores Hart. Is that it? She's an American Roman Catholic Benedictine who was previously a prominent actress following the movie debut with Elvis Presley in Loving You.

She made ten films in five years including Wild as the Wind, King Creed and Where the Boys Are, and she dated him after that. The Connecticut nun who kissed Elvis. She kissed him. Yeah, so she... Imagine getting ten movies. In five years.

Yeah, in my career, I've done ten movies. In thirty years, you know what I mean? This bitch was on fire. Killing it. And she just became a nun. And then what happened was she lived on this monastery and in the documentary, it's a great documentary,

there was this guy back then, after Elvis, there was a guy that wanted to marry her. I'm going to be a nun, right? And I think he waited until she was eighty and he kept visiting her every year.

Trying to convince her to stop the nunner? No, he just realized that's the love of my life. Right? I can't meet anybody like her. So I'm just going to live in a next city adjacent to her and visit her as much as I can so there's two roads here in my mind.

That guy, that same guy, used to be the stare at the toes guy late at night. You, right? You could have either continued to be that guy and that would be you. That's true. Or you snapped out of it and became Bobby Lee

and you figured it out. That's true. Because that guy for sure stared at toes. He definitely stared at her toes. While she was kissing Elvis. Can you look up Dolores Hart's toes? There's no way. There's no way. There's no way.

Dolores Hart's feet. I'm telling you, she's on wiki feet, baby. Oh, she is. Bring up those feet. Bring up the feet. The third one on the beach. Is that Dolores Hart? Yeah, there it is. Let's look at the feet. Bobby, those are your porcelain toes. That dude scared at those toes.

Give me the one on the beach. Can you pull up the one on the beach because there might be a couple of better shots below that. The one below to the right, to the right, to the right, to the right. The one with the shoes with the guy. Yeah, that one.

Covering her feet. You know why? Because she knows people are going to J.O. to them. This is better. Look at her feet. Beautiful. Who is that? Who is that? That's Gregory Peck. That has to be.

They all kind of look the same. You know how they all kind of look to the same a little bit at some point? Was it Gregory Peck? No, it was Harvey Levin. Henry Levin. Henry Levin. I don't know who that is. George Hamilton. Oh, was that George Hamilton?

Oh, that was George Hamilton. Wow. That was George Hamilton? Yeah. Yeah, he was a good... Yeah, I was. You can see. And we know his son. What is his name? Ashley. Ashley Hamilton. He used to do stand-up. We know his son.

He used to show up in cool leather jackets and shit. Yeah. Oh, dude, what happened to that guy? What does he do now? Is he a musician or some shit? Yeah, that's him. This guy used to come to the comedy store. But how we used to see him was... I have a history with him.

Oh, bad? Yeah. I have some bad history with him. Let's talk bad. No, I can't. But he... Yeah, let's hear it. Well, I think... It's like Sugar Ray in that picture with the tattoo with the... Look at it. The third... Yeah, look. Look at that photo.

What is that shirt? Do you think he's handsome? No. Oh, she paused way too long. Well, bring up the handsome photo back again of the... Look at that one of the second photo. Yeah, that guy's not handsome to you? He looks okay there. I like the tattoos.

You like the tattoos? I think we're fine with her dating, by the way. I think we're gonna be fine. Yeah, she... Tattoo. There was this one incident where... Jules. It happened at the Laugh Factory where...

This is when Eleanor Kerrigan didn't like me. Oh, I know, yeah. Yeah, I remember. I love her, by the way. And she was... Her and Ashley Hamilton were upstairs. And apparently there was like 50 comics around. And they were telling everybody

that I gave Andy Dick a blowjob. Well, I've heard that. I mean, I've heard that. I've heard a version of that. I've heard a version of that. Not that you, like, finished or anything or enjoyed it. I didn't do it. I've heard that you did.

I did blow any dick there. That's crazy. I don't believe it, but I don't not believe it. How about that as one of your closest friends? We have to get to a point now in our relationship where you have to be more toward I don't believe it. Oh, I don't believe it. That not believing it?

Right, needs to be out. Like a cancer. Somebody says to me, somebody says, you're good friend Bobby Lee. I love him. I love you so much. You're family to me. They say, Bobby sucked Andy's dick. And then I come here, I say, Bobby, somebody told me that you sucked Andy Dick's dick.

And then you say to me, no, I didn't. And a piece of me goes, but it sounds right. It just sound... It should sound wrong. I want it to sound wrong to you and that's where we need to be. Okay. Prove it to me. It's wrong. I'm going to tell you what's wrong. Tell me how it's wrong. I'm working the door.

Okay. I don't know who Andy Dick is. Until... No. I was a doorman in 1998. Eight. And this is when Joe Rogan was on a show called News Radio.

Great show. Andy Dick was on the show. Yes. Joe was in the OR or whatever some of the... I think Phil Hartman came. A bunch of people came. Rest in peace. And I was in the bathroom as a doorman. I'm wearing the comedy store shirt. Sucking and... No, no.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm jumping the shark. So anyway, I'm taking a piss and I forgot to lock the door. In comes Andy Dick. In comes Andy Dick, right? And he goes, well, well, well. You know how he does, right? Now, in that bathroom, right,

you have stare... Like, right in the back of it, there's these... It's like a window with these, like, um, slots. Yeah, the slats. The slats windows, right? Is that the face he made? Yeah. He goes, well, well, well, right? So there's these stairs that go up

and I'm literally standing there. Andy walks in and I turn around and there's 15 faces in the fucking slots. Right, ready to see what you're about to do. Yeah, yeah. And I go, get... Dude, I don't know you, man. I gotta go to work. That's all that happened.

That's all that happened. I don't like your face. Well, no, I know. It's rude. It's absolutely rude. There's a couple of missing puzzle pieces here. Go ahead. Why are they looking in the window? Did Andy say I'm gonna go in the bathroom and Bobby's gonna suck my cock? I don't know why. Well, why would they be looking in the window? No one ever looks in that window.

Do you see how there's some weird... Did you make a joke outside? No, no, no. I think maybe people saw me walk in. They saw Andy Dick walk in. And they figured you guys were gonna fuck each other. I'm just trying to do it from the viewer's perspective. Yeah, it's... You know, if you ask Andy, I never blew him.

In court? Yeah, he would. In a court. In a court of law, you might be... This might be found guilt. I mean, there might not be any evidence. Actually, can I be honest with you? Stop it. No, no, no. I'm not gonna stop it. Stop it. No, because you got me there. You got me on the edge.

Of course you didn't suck Andy Dick's dick. I didn't suck his dick, man. Okay. I believe you. But people... But people... So, Eleanor, years later, and Ashley Hamilton are spreading this rumor that I'm gay and I sucked Andy Dick's dick.

Right. Would help you now, by the way. Career-wise. My career is great. I know, but that would be what a boost. What a boost. Go ahead. You think... Let me say something.

By you saying that, do you think even if secretly that I would finally go? Yeah, okay. I wanted a little piece. I want you to be like, well, I kissed him. Jewels. Do you think I sucked Andy Dick's dick? I think so. LAUGHTER

So, anyway, they're spreading around rumors, which you're pissed off about. And I was pissed off about it, you know what I mean? Because it's bullshit, and that's my... You and Ashdog, did you ever hash it out with him? He was one of those guys where, like, if I was in a... If I was at Greenblats, and I was with a bunch of comics,

and he walked in and I didn't say hello to him directly, that he would find that to be disrespectful. Oh, grow up. You know what I mean? So then, like, two weeks later, I'll go, what's up, Ashley? He won't say anything. I'll go, you have a problem? He goes, yeah, because at Greenblats a couple of weeks ago, you didn't say hi to me. You know, he's that kind of guy?

Oh, God. What an unmemorable thing for me. He's a nice guy, though. Some people do that thing where they're like... You know who I hadn't seen in a long time, by the way? You were talking about good-looking guys. Lachlan Patterson came. We were both doing... Who's that? Salt Lake.

You don't know him? He's so funny, dude. Canadian comic moved here years ago, and... Look at him. I want to see his face. Lachlan Patterson, he's awesome. Lachlan, that's him right there, yeah. Love him. He's so funny, that guy. He's a good joke writer. Oh, he's a brilliant joke writer.

When I first met him, he looked like the short-haired headshot that you see, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And now, that's what you just first clicked on. That's who he is now. Yeah, yeah, he's so funny, that guy. Venice Surfer fucking... Yeah.

He was down there, too. And this guy, do you think he's handsome? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so funny. This guy, I mean, even with short hair, he was a good look. You know what short hair looks like? One of the property brothers a little bit? No, he looks like literally what I want Jesus to look like. With the long hair.

Go back to long hair. That is Jesus. Yeah, yeah, I have risen. But don't you want a little bit more tan? No, that's perfect. A little bit more tan. I want a whiter, actually. You know what I mean? Like, closer to who he is. Closer to who he is.

Right. Closer to who he should be. That's what it is. So, if you rose like that... Then you'd be beautiful. I'd be like, that's what Jesus generally kind of looks like to me. A little darker, though. What does Jesus look like to you, Jules?

Big breath. I don't know. Long hair. What color is his skin? Let's look at all these photos of Jesus. Tuna, let's go into that. Let's judge Jesus based on these photos. Well, I can tell you which one. It's definitely not.

That bottom left one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, the one my grandmother has all over her house. Yeah. Okay, this is a good game. Which Jesus does my grandmother have literally all over her house? Oh, I already can tell. Go ahead.

The first one. On the far left? Or, can I give you the second one? The far right. Let Jules guess, too. I was going to say the right one. The far top right? Correct.

That's all over my grandmother. That very photo... Yeah. ...is littered all over my house. Really, Jesus literally did not look like that. Yes, that was him. Blow that picture up a little bit. Can you pinch and zoom?

So, the Jesus on the left is who they want you to believe. An Egyptian would look like. Right there. Yeah. But that Jesus right there to the right, that's what he looks. Soft eyes.

He looked like he might have played in a band in the 80s in the late 80s. No. Good of the one to the left. Not that one, the second one right here. Yeah. I think that's the closest to what Jesus looks like.

I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Egyptians are fair-skinned like me. I understand that. But go to the all right. Right. That's Andrew...

That's Andy Daley White. I know. That's who Jesus was. He was an Andy Daley White. That's who Jesus was. No, no, no. Do you know what color was Jesus? Do you know?

Like tan or a bit darker. Yeah, exactly. Very dark. He was Middle Eastern. Maybe down to the right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Obviously, that's more close to what Jesus looked like

right there. Yeah, to the left, yeah. Egyptian. He was fucking Egyptian. Yeah. The idea, though, that they paint him like the one that my grandmother has is really strange.

Like, that's fucked up. That's what you see all the time. Jesus, that looks like Matt Reif. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's really strange. Yeah. It's a weird...

It's kind of... And then holding the baby lamb, that's what you see those photos all the time. Yeah. They're making a last... Last temptation of... Not last... Passion of the Christ part two.

Is Mel doing it? Yeah. That's awesome. And Kv... Was it Jim Kvizel? Jim Kvizel? Really? Yeah, this is after part two

what happened after the cave incident. After he called that cop a dirty Jew or whatever it was? No, no, after... After Passion of the Christ. At least now I know you. Let me see. If I was Jesus, would I let you in?

Oh, my God, dude. No, I mean, because... At the door, I'd be like, bad friends. I'd be like, yeah, but that was just my, you know... What? Yeah, earthly project. I know, but that was... But it gave you meaning and fun and life and...

I would just say, wait, go... There's a line. You're gonna make me wait in the fucking line. There's already a line, you're in the further line. I know, I just... And I'm at the gate... Go off to the side. Bobby.

Go off to the side, I gotta see who else is coming in. Bobby. No, no, no. Bobby, I waited in the line. I didn't even skip the line. I could have skipped the line and said hi to you. It doesn't matter. Dude, I'm Jesus, I run the fucking thing.

I understand. But... Security? Right, so they put it to the side, right? Get off of me! Get the fuck off of me! You're not going downstairs. You're not going downstairs.

You're making it seem that way. You're not going downstairs. You're not, watch. Now watch who else I let in. Kevin Spacey, come on in. Come on! I would let you in, but I would fuck with you. I know, you would, right away.

What would you do? Or you'd put me in hell for like 15 minutes. And they'd be like, come on. Yeah, okay. So would you let me in? I'm Jesus at the gates. Yeah. All right, you're with Rudy.

You guys both show up. Well, we'd have to have... Because the line's long. So many people die a day. Right, hold on. So I'm Jesus. Right, so... And you and Rudy are together.

We had died in a car accident. Obviously. Right. Because she was driving. Yeah, she was driving. Yeah. And I think if that was the case, if we were in line, I'd be like,

you know, you didn't see the red light? You guys are arguing. You're the one that's driving. No, you're driving. You're driving. You don't want me to drive because you always say that I drive slow. But you were driving.

Why? And that's why we got an accident because you didn't know the fuck you were driving. No, you were screaming, so I got distracted. Well, regardless, because we're dead now. It's your fault. It's your fault. Hello, my children.

Hi, Tito. Hello, Tito. Ah, Jules. A lovely spirit, a light. Come in. Thank you. Hey, I'm just going to go with her then. Next!

You won? Next! You won? I'd let you write in. Are you the number one? Like, if I Google Andrew Santino, are you the number one Andrew Santino that comes up? What?

What the fuck does that even mean? Of course I'm the number one fucking it. There's only one of them. How come when you Google your name, right? Yeah. And I'm the third one that pops up. What are you talking about? Watch. Go right...

Get out of this Google search. Get out. No, go back to Andrew Santino. Uh-huh. Right? And then go down. To what? There was, like, what people search for.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right there. Why am I the third? Because we're connected. Yeah, but why is Theo more connected to you? Why is he first? I think I make fun of him more. I don't know why. I don't know why. How does that work?

Well, I don't think that's an order. That's not? No, it can't be. Click on mine. And click on that and see... Right, I'm the second. You're second. And my girlfriend's first, so I should be fucking second.

Yeah, I guess that's true. And Magnum P.I.'s on there. Man, they love you from that show. Right is Bobby Lee. Right is Bobby Lee is in front of it. Is Bobby Lee, and let's see what these are. Married Korean. Related to Bruce Lee.

That's a good question. Honestly, that's valid. Yeah. Are you still married? Is Bobby Lee Cook alive? Is this when you were with Dane Cook for a few years? I don't know. Bobby Lee Cook was a guitarist. Is Bobby Lee Chinese?

By the way, is he Korean and is he Chinese? We keep fucking with people. They don't know what you really are. Yeah. You want to tell them that you're Japanese? I am Japanese. They have no idea. Okay, Putin is Andrew Santino. Is Andrew Santino.

This is a fun game. Married in the office. Irish have a special wife dating from net worth. They want to know my money. This is all... This is nothing special. They don't... Well, Irish.

Is Andrew Santino Irish? Is Andrew Santino... Are you in the office? Yeah, I did an episode of the office. Yeah, one episode. I mean, but fucking, what a weird... By the way, we spent this whole time having a good time and we didn't even mention that...

That's what I wanted to do. How do you feel about immigration? About which kind? Oh. That's right. Exactly. Mexicans, I like. You do?

Love. Cubans. Same thing, no? Yes, any Latin I'm good with. Latin's good. Love. How about... Haitian?

There's no Latin... Yeah, I like the food. Okay, good. I like the food. All right. What about if they were... Aborigini? From Australia.

From Australia? Yeah. I don't want Australians in here. Okay. Australians. All Australians. Okay. I don't want them ever here again.

Eskimos. Eskimos. That's what... They're from the United States. That's true. Yeah, there are. There are people. That's a true question.

Okay. All right. What about... You know, this game... I'll tell you where this game is leading. This keep is going to lead to me saying either Chinese or Korean, and you're saying absolutely not.

I'm waiting for it. So I'm not going to go... Show the fans. Give them what they want. No, no, no. I'm done with the game. The joke is that I'm okay with everybody but Haitian stuff.

I know, I know, but I just knew that this line of questioning was going to go to there. I know, and you had... Someone had nipped in the butt now. I need to break it up. Thanks for playing. For the sake of comedy, we could have just kept going. All right, let's go back then.

Let's go back. No, no, no. It's ruined now, but Japanese people, yes, love them. Yeah, Hmong. Letterman. Hmong, Letterman? Yeah, Letterman.

What about China? Fine. Sometimes. Thai? Thai? I'm looking to you because you know those people better than I do. Oh, yeah.

Letterman? Filipinos. Definitely not. Definitely not. Very good. I think there's two of them in this office right now. Scares the shit out of me. I'm not Filipino.

Oh, that's right. Gap gap. Yeah, I know. She, yeah, it's between these two Filipinos, though. By the way, she looks identical to Gilbert. It's so scary. You know when I said to her when she came in? I go, oh, fuck, I've seen your face for the first time

because I've only seen her with a mask. Yeah, yeah. So when I first came in, she had taken off her mask for a second, and then she took off her mask and I said, that's weird. I just remembered what she looked like. Yeah. But now that I saw Gilbert, I was like, I should have known.

A couple of weeks ago, episodes ago, we did a episode where we wrote a movie called The Bottoms of Turtle Island. The Bottoms of Turtle Island. Yeah. And a lot of our fans made movie posters. Yeah. And we'd like to see some of them.

Let's check out some posters here. So this one, I don't like the font above. It just needs to be bolder. You don't like it. It looks like a pirate wrote it. Yeah. It looks like it's done with a pen. But I like how our names are in white.

So you can see them. Right. Can I see the whole thing? Is there any way to look at the whole thing? Is that the whole thing? Full screen it. Full screen that one photo. I think that's as big as I get.

Yeah, that's it. There's no bottom to it then? Well, it's the bottom of Turtle Island. No, I think that's as far as it goes. Yeah. Is that an animated gif of Rudy? No, it looks like it moved. Well, what I like about this,

that's the stairwell that we... Oh, that's cool. You know? Right, Rudy's down there with the knife. But she's smiling, which we said she was. Right. But the bodies are behind her. You see all the bodies?

Yeah. And then to the left, you see the turtle itself that lives below you. Oh, wow, wow, wow. That's amazing. I really love it. Somebody really put the work in.

Thank you so much for that. And obviously, I'm giving you a piggyback ride because that's how the S&D starts. That's how all that stuff... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is not that important in the movie. It is not that big of a theme. Yeah.

By the way, the island looks exactly how I thought it would look. That's great. Very small, rocky on one side. Very small, rocky. Yeah. It's a great poster, man. Thank you for who did that.

Thank you for who did that. And then this one, of course, introducing Rudy Jules. I like that because we should be the stars. We're the stars, an interesting region. As if her performance... Right. ...is like, you know,

you're going to be like, wow. Wait till you see this. Yeah, because if her performance isn't good, they're not going to say that. No, they won't. ...introducing. Bobby Lee enters into introducing Rudy Jules and the drawings of us are good.

There's the little island. Yeah. The bottoms of Turtle Island. Turtle Island, how long can they survive? Bad Friends Productions presents a film by Andres. Yeah, yeah. What is it? No, it says Anita Bryant.

Oh, that's who that is. Written by Bobby Lee, Andrew Santino, starring Bobby Lee, Andrew Santino, Juliana Rudy, Eric Griffin's in it. Why is he in it? Why is he in it? Did we put him in the original? No, he's got audition.

We definitely got to make him real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Music by Fancy B, produced by Bobby Lee, Andrew Santino, and directed by Fancy B, of course. BottomsTurtleIsland.com. Great, fantastic. I hope we get that website.

Oh. This is good. This is like, you know what? You know how sometimes they make movie posters like Europe or Japan, you know what I mean? This is the Japanese one. Well, there's the Hot Walk there

and the pub. So, oh, this is really clever. This is clever. Your Hot Walk restaurant is right next to the pub that we talked about. Yeah. There's the bodies on the hill.

Yeah. By the way, do you notice in the photo, you're laying on top of me there nude? And my... Does my ass have to be in the... Of course. In the poster. How do you want to sell the movie, Bobby?

This is a Japanese... I know, but the thing is, I just don't want my... To be... I don't want to... I just... If we're trying to crush the foreign market... Yeah.

We have a cute little tushy Asian boy with chopsticks in his hair in a bun clutching to a pale ginger boy. Yeah. This is going to sell tickets. I guess, I guess. It's going to sell tickets.

I just need approval. You know what I mean? Next time. I'm sorry, but... These are already on the streets of Japan. We sent these out. It's already sent out, but next time... Phone pole. Can you please give me approval?

Yes, but you're going to be upset. This is in Times Square as well. We put it up in Times Square. It's huge. Yeah. What's the next one? That's really good. Great one.

And this is obviously... See, this is our relationship. This is it. And this is for Amsterdam. Yeah. This is a foreign poster for Amsterdam, for sure. The Bomb Turtle Island, right? And what's...

Exactly. Did you get approval for this? I actually did not. I didn't approve of it, but I do now that I see it. Yeah, yeah. You have a very small ass. And your ass is your whole back.

That's true. Your butt is the size of your back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, I love our catchphrases down there at the bottom. Suck, suck, suck. Yeah, yeah, and I love... And I love that Jules is in the middle. Do you see that zoom in there?

Jules and the Sword, zoom in to the Jules and the Sword. Oh, that is wonderful. There she is. And on the bodies, skulls... See, that's the most accurate picture of Jules. That's a great fucking poster. And look at how we're looking at each other. I don't know what... Let me ask you this, though.

Why do I have a Fu Manchu mustache? You have one right now. No, I don't. A Fu Manchu mustache. I mean, it's about as close to a Fu Manchu as you could get. Okay. It's there. It looks good. All right, that's a good one. All right, and this one...

This one is... Whoa. Whoa. This is street art. They made you jacked. No, that's pretty much it. That's what it looks like? Yeah, and look at you.

That's pretty good. Look at you. Zoom in. Look at you. Zoom in more. Look at you. I'm admiring the size of your sword. I know, my point is that that's about it.

Do you think that's what the movie would be like? I think if they did a real poster of the movie, that that would be pretty much it. You think they would make you a jacked-in-shape guy? Yeah, and they would barely have you in it, as if you were a tattoo on my leg. Okay. Yeah.

It depends on what level of comedy they wanted. Next poster? No, let's look at this masterpiece. I think this one's a piece of shit. Whoever drew this can fucking burn. Yeah. Here we go. This is by Paramount.

This is Paramount Plus. Yeah, this is in America. This is current, yeah. These are billboards in America. Oh, right. Yeah. So, look at Rudy. How scary she is.

Do the noise right now for me. Right, and that's all you hear when you walk into the theater. There it is. The bottom. Yeah, I don't know why I still have chopsticks in my hair. What do you mean you got to keep them in there? Your hair's going to get in your eyes. I know, but why do I have to be...

Why do I even have to have Sandra Bullock hair? Well, here's why. You have long, flowing, beautiful hair. I know, but I'll cut my time. When we're S and each other's Ds, it's going to get in your face. All right, fine. You can't suck me.

You have to tie your hair up when you're sucking. That's true. That's a great pose. And that one is available now at Paramount Plus. If you don't have, use the promo code Bad Friends at Paramount Plus. Thank you guys for sending in the bottoms of Turtle Island. We really do appreciate it. We appreciate it.

That's fun. Rudy, go ahead and take us home and look into your camera and say goodbye. Thank you for being a bad friend, and bye. Bye. Bye. Is that, is that, is that, is that,

is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that? Is that, is that, is that? Woo! No. Fuck you. Fuck you. Don't get angry, dude. Don't, don't joke. Why can't I call you out, man?

Let's read the thing. No. Go suck Andy Dick's dick again, you fucking crummy. I didn't suck his dick, man. I didn't suck his dick. No clue. All right. No clue. Oh, I can say some shit right now, but I'm not. About sucking Andy Dick's dick? No, other things.

I'm not gonna fuck you fucking bitch. Call me that again. See what happens. I'll fucking beat the shit out of you in this Call me that again. See what happens. Fuck you. Fuck you. All right. Fuck him. You and you fucking For angry issues better hub Yeah, you fighting yeah, one two three better. I'll Andrew. Yes, Bob. This is something that we both need especially