Bad Friends - Coco The Side Piece

Starting point is 00:00:00 This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer-beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19-plus and physically located in Ontario. Gamling.com, call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something.! White dude and Asian dude. Woo! You two are disgusting.

Starting point is 00:00:25 Woo! Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends. All right, one, two, three. Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends. I'm your captain, and this is my sidekick. No, no, no. Andrew.

Starting point is 00:00:36 No, no, no, no. This is my side guy, my side hustle. No, no, no. Peace, my side piece. No, I'm the side piece. First of all. You're never a side, you're not even a part of the gang right now.

Starting point is 00:00:44 No. Well, you're a side chunk, you're not a side. You're a side chunk. That's a pretty big piece. That's a pretty side piece. First of all. You're never a side, you're not even a part of the gang right now. No. Well, you're a side chunk, you're not a side. You're a side chunk. That's a pretty big piece. That's a pretty big piece. You know, also, could I just say something too? You're a little deceiving. No, I saw the last episode, I never lied.

Starting point is 00:00:58 I told you that I haven't done standup in five years. That's not what I'm talking about. Oh. You know, when you make assumptions, somebody gets bit. No. Is that a term? I just made that up. It's not the phrase.

Starting point is 00:01:09 I think I've got a couple of phrases jumbled up there. But when it's not broke, fix it if you break it. Anyway, listen, bud. I don't like being lied to. I don't like being deceived. I don't like your rabble rousing. That word? I agree, can we move on?

Starting point is 00:01:28 No, no, we can't move on until I address this issue. What's your name? No, did Esther tell you? No. Okay. What's your name? Greg. No.

Starting point is 00:01:39 No. If you think we don't know. Okay, we know. What's your name? What do you, I thought this was gonna be about Pauly.'t know, we know. What's your name? What are you, I thought this was gonna be about Pauly. I know what it is. By the way, are you chewing gum and eating potato chips?

Starting point is 00:01:53 I'm practicing being a father. By the way, I had a dream where there was three babies and beanies and neon beanies running. They were your babies. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. I know what you're trying to do right now. It's not gonna work. We're gonna talk about this issue and then we're gonna move on okay

Starting point is 00:02:06 Is it because I did Paulie's podcast no has nothing he well a little bit something to do with it You can't do any other podcast by that way, but he promised me a pop cup if me and buster behaved all right these little little Whimsical things you're doing right now these cute things you're doing right now Usually it works with me because I think it's working a little bit now. Because I want to kind of move on now. It's so cute. But my point is, what's your name, friend? Greg! No, what is your legal name? Why would that be a problem?

Starting point is 00:02:34 Don't yell. Okay. Oh, that's right, because we're wearing microphones. We're wearing microphones. We're strapped, my dog. Oh, but why would that make you mad? What is your name? I don't like being lied to that's all it's a Greg is my middle name in my ID What's your first name though on your ID? Who did you get this from? Okay, sorry goop goop make this easier. Oh, they know does he know we know is it am I gonna prematurely give information?

Starting point is 00:03:03 Can I tell you what it is? Or is that the game we're playing? Okay. Your name is Kreekor. Kreekor. You know Esther told you. Kreekor. Your name is Kreekor.

Starting point is 00:03:14 Kreekor. Which translates to Greg. No, it doesn't. And Coco comes from Kreekor. It translates in space language, fat guy. No. No. No.

Starting point is 00:03:22 Kreekor. That's a Klingon name. Kreekor is a Klingon name. No. It translates No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Starting point is 00:03:30 No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Starting point is 00:03:36 No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Starting point is 00:03:43 No. No. No. No. schools I've been to. My brother says don't give out your social security number and now everything anyone needs to change my passwords are pretty much on this podcast. Yeah, yeah, okay. We don't wanna go to your middle name right now or your last name, okay? You're doing your cute thing and it's really important

Starting point is 00:03:58 for me because I kinda wanna move on but. No. Let's stick to Krikor. Yeah, thank you so much, friend. Yeah. What the, so why don't you just go to Kreekor. Yeah. No. Thank you so much, friend. Yeah. What the, so why don't you just go by Kreekor? I had 27 years to decide if I wanted to be Kreekor.

Starting point is 00:04:11 I decided I wanted to be Greg. So we can drive down Glendale, you and I, and there could be somebody on the side of the street going, Kreekor! I will walk by. What? I will just walk by. I know, but there are people out that that that know you as Creek

Starting point is 00:04:27 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, they either know me as Coco or Greg No one with a K. No one knows who is Coco dude. They do you've been trying that since day one? Trying to get Coco to stick and it's not gonna stick with me. I'm never gonna call you that Who comes with their own nickname family, I don't honestly I thought today was gonna be fun I had a rough week I I keep getting chicken nuggets chicken impossible nuggets stuck in my toaster and I got then I got stuck under a weighted blanket And okay see what he's doing stop it stop it stop it Why are you putting nuggets in the toaster?

Starting point is 00:05:04 Buddy my fourth year. Do you have an oven. It's my fourth toaster this year. Do you have an oven? It's not plugged in. No, it's, I don't. The oven isn't plugged in? The oven, I'm not gonna turn on an oven. Do you have an air fryer? I have an air fryer, but that's not plugged in either.

Starting point is 00:05:18 It's so much fun putting chicken nuggets in the toaster and then they pop up and then you have to catch them and then you have to get them out, but it smokes. And then you think, how long can I let it smoke? I might have you guys turn off his mic. No, yeah, I'm supposed to be a side piece. It's just, you're our side chicken nugget piece. Okay, okay. But first of all, plug in the oven, plug in the air fryer.

Starting point is 00:05:41 Why can't I plug it? Do you not know how to do that? Unplug and plug. I know how to use a toaster. But do you know how to plug and unplug air fryer. Why can't I plug it in? Do you not know how to do that? Unplug and plug. I know how to use a toaster. But do you know how to plug and unplug things? Yeah. You do. So can you unplug your toaster

Starting point is 00:05:51 and plug in the oven or whatever? Well, it's burnt. I need a new toaster, but yeah. Okay. Buy this guy a new toaster, please. No. Oh, yep. I will buy.

Starting point is 00:06:00 Yeah. You buy it? Yeah. Well, listen up, Krikor. No! Krikor! No! That sounds more Korean than Bobby. Creekor, I am Creekor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like from He-Man doesn't it? It does. It sounds like one of the characters. Skeletor's bitch.

Starting point is 00:06:14 No one knew this until- Hi Skeletor! Hi Skeletor! It's me Creekor! Let me say something Creekor. Is that Creekor? Is that a famous Creekor? Yeah, that's a famous Creekor. Oh, there are other famous. Oh your chess You're more checkers, huh? I know more checkers. I I don't I like I like the he doesn't see chess when you say yeah fast food restaurant checkers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh not the game He doesn't want to play that

Starting point is 00:06:39 I like board games Yeah, I like cards. No, listen, what games can you play? You know how to play chess. Affection, but that's hard. I like, I don't know how to play checkers or chess. You don't? No. Checkers either? No, I played poker and they underestimated me and I won.

Starting point is 00:06:56 I tell you what game he doesn't know how to play is plug in the oven. Yeah. That's a tough game for some reason. How are the chippies, bud? Yeah, I agree. I have twins this time. Yeah, you do, tough game for some reason. How are the Chippies, bud? Yeah, I agree. I have twins this time. Yeah, you do, buddy.

Starting point is 00:07:07 One's Asian. They're both Asian. So can we call you Kreekor from now on? Oh yeah. But that's like the worst thing you could call me. Oh, I could think of something. Oh no! Then I'll meet you at-

Starting point is 00:07:18 I could think of a lot of things. But like, I have some questions for Andrew afterwards because you guys are getting some- Ask away, because this is your Move on. So okay ask a lot afterwards. No ask now you have questions for Andrew. Ask away, baby No, no, no, I'll ask after because honestly, I think you guys did a background check. No, we didn't know we didn't How did you know do you think we did a bag? Look at the fucking employees? We have do you think we did a background check? That's insane

Starting point is 00:07:42 This is a fucking illegal immigrant, an obvious cartel drug baby, and then a loser from the Midwest who was like a hockey coach dropout. I mean, dude, we just pick up the scraps where they fall. Did we talk about his Long Beach performance yet to him? No. No. We haven't seen him since then, I don't think. Okay, so that's another lie.

Starting point is 00:08:04 Oh, wow. No, I- Let me talk. We didn't see him since then. I don't okay. So um, that's another lie. Oh wow. No, I let me talk Okay, may I yeah Is this your show? No, I don't have a show. I know Yeah, calm it down. Calm it down to goopy namaste. Come right down. Yeah, creek creaky creaky creaky creaky creak or cork or crea creak or mccorkery Sounds like a lawyer. Yeah, so um Another deception Or that's Johnny Cochran I think shut up shut up

Starting point is 00:08:40 You had a full-blown panic attack a Week before Long Beach Begging us. Please. I don't want to do it. I'm gonna fail I haven't done it what all those excuses and then you go you show up at the show how many people in the audience you think? 3,000 people and You walk up there and you pull out a fucking AK-47 and you go I mean you and you pull out a fucking AK-47, and you go, da da da da da.

Starting point is 00:09:05 I mean, you, okay, two minutes before you went up, he told me, hey, I think he should only, he shouldn't go up or he should only do a couple of drugs. I said, he looks a little too nervous, maybe we should restrict his time to make him feel comfortable, just do him a couple minutes and tell him he can come right back.

Starting point is 00:09:19 Right, right, something like that. Because he was pacing. Right, I came to you, remember I came to you, I go, huh, me and Andrew had a talk. You should just say hi. Pretty much, right? And you went up there, you went, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you obliterated the room.

Starting point is 00:09:34 Did great. Yeah. So that's another lie. Another lie. That wasn't a lie. Shut up. Oh, so you had 10 minutes of jokes, of pure jokes. I timed six minutes, but not that night.

Starting point is 00:09:46 First of all, you did 12. No, I didn't. Yeah, yeah, I can't hear him. Yeah, he turned his mic off. I like that. No. Turn his mic up a little bit, it's fine. Turn it up.

Starting point is 00:09:55 But here, creaky, creaky, creak dog. I said I was gonna die. I didn't say I can't do stand up, and that part was true. You weren't gonna die. I was gonna die. And then when your agents and managers showed up, I forgot English. Oh, it's so, because also he treated, this is so funny.

Starting point is 00:10:10 Agent manager are like his rock bands. They're my pen pals. Like he knew by name, they're like what agents? It's so fucking weird. He knew my, he knew my agent's name. He was like, that's your agent? Yeah, yeah. I was like, how would you know who that is?

Starting point is 00:10:23 Yeah, you said the name. I write letters to them. That's how you book comics. What do you mean? You write letters to them and you pack? You're Mr. Noose of Foro. You mean an email? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:36 You write an email? You hand write a letter and then translate it to email? Get their attention. That'd be funny if you did that. So you email Noose and you say, hey Noose, I'm interested in booking people for my show. Yeah. It's actually very smart.

Starting point is 00:10:48 That's good. Do you know my agents? Yeah. Who? Well, I thought Abby was Abe because I was just losing my mind, but then I found out it's Abby and it's, you know, but Matt Blake, he has two first names. Stop. Okay.

Starting point is 00:11:02 He handles heavyweights. A-B-B-E. Yeah. Abe. Abe. By the way, we're calling Abby Abe from here on out. You're Kreekor and she's Abe. Oh my God. And by the way, what a show that would be on Adult Swim. Kreekor and Abe. It's wanderlust. It's beautiful. It's the precipice of happiness when you're around. I love it What are you showing me right now Carlos goop at a premiere? Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh you go to Hollywood Oh, there he is Wow truck store. That's why push pause for a second

Starting point is 00:11:39 None of those people are in the movie None of those people are in the movie. Paulie. None of those people are in the movie. Sandy Danto, you. How come I didn't get invited to this? Benji Arfallo. Who's the guy in the middle there? Is that Al? Paulie. Who? Paulie.

Starting point is 00:11:52 That's Paulie. None of them are in the movie. What are you doing on the red carpet of a drugstore gym? Paulie told them I was literally, he told the lady running the carpet that I was on, love on the spectrum, and she gently invited me on the red carpet. He said that to everyone we meet.

Starting point is 00:12:09 Everyone we meet. It does that, because he tells everyone I'm Chinese. Right, so it's the same thing. He says you have autism. Well, do you think you, but do you have autism? Did we say this? I started taking a test, and halfway through, my ADD kicked in, and it wasn't looking good,

Starting point is 00:12:24 so I stopped. But I'm open to taking an autism. We should put you we should Love on the spectrum. Yeah, cuz we want to find you love we love you. We want you to find love you do You don't want love. No, I don't want spectrums or scales. I want no limits But what's your tonight may ask a question and we're gonna move on. I know just let me ask Let's get on let's move on soon Because it's piqued my curiosity can we write down what your perfect mate would be Yeah, you're gonna come up with an animal no, I'm not yeah, no that's I'm asking you no I will and you're gonna come up with an animal kangaroo or something

Starting point is 00:13:00 Honestly, so we'll give me a trait so um Age bracket maybe oh I'm writing it down. I'm not one of those people with an age bracket. He's a fucking okay Oh my god, maybe this is an exercise for another time because I don't like exercises. Oh It's it's like red light and green light red light age age I Don't know like 25 to 35. I mean give me an age bracket here man your preference Okay, uh I

Starting point is 00:13:38 Know I I don't want three core. You're getting on my last fucking nerd right now. Do slow people make a very slow person so So I don't like guess 25 25 on on onwards yeah, what's the age gap here? I mean the limit you think 50 I Don't want another mom okay, so let's go 25 to 40 35 okay, okay 25 30 no what are these stop we're moving on? What what what does this person do for an occupation would that be a preference for you? My friends a lawyer, but I treat her like a regular person a lawyer then no um should we move on oh? Yeah A lawyer then. No. Should we move on? Oh yeah. All right.

Starting point is 00:14:25 Let's talk about. We'll find love next time. We'll get you a 27 year old lawyer. Okay. There's a lot of those roaming around. Yeah. Anyway, welcome back to the show. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:14:33 And thank you for having me in Long Beach. All right. And thank you for having me. Okay, okay. Thank me too. Thank you for having me. Christ. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:41 Not very many people get to live that kind of thing. And I never thought I would. We're happy that we're happy you're a partner. We're happy to have you. We're happy to have you. We're happy to have you. We're happy to have you. We're too. Thank you. Christ. Yeah, yeah. Not very many people get to live that kind of thing. And I never thought I would. We're happy that we're happy you're a part of it. We're happy, happy, happy, happy.

Starting point is 00:14:50 Let's talk about some real stuff. Yeah, yeah, talk about some stuff. So, um. Talk about one of the funniest moments I've ever witnessed in my entire life in an airport. Well, it wasn't, it was a very awkward situation. Do you guys know what happened? So we were in Austin. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:04 The flight's delayed. So it's me, Andrew, and Andrew's wife, we're sitting there waiting for them to board the plane. And we're standing there and people are asking for photos with us. Yeah. You know, and which is pretty normal, if I may say so myself.

Starting point is 00:15:22 And there's a guy off to the side, pretty near us, on a table and he's on his laptop. And he goes, excuse me, correct me if I'm wrong at the story, he goes, excuse me, what do you guys do? And I said, oh, we're jugglers and magicians. That's right. Right, and he goes, fuck that. He goes, I don't believe that for a second. And I said, you believe what you wanna believe, pal. But at the same time, yeah, fuck that. He goes, I don't believe that for a second.

Starting point is 00:15:45 And I said, you believe what you wanna believe, pal. But at the same time, Bobby said, fuck you. We started cracking up. Yeah, we crack up. And Bobby goes, go fuck yourself, pal. Go fuck yourself, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're laughing.

Starting point is 00:15:59 And this guy went like this to this. And looked straight down. Straight down, and I don't know what he's doing. He's typing away. Typing away and now I'm now, and then your wife laughs. We cracked up. No, but she's laughing a lot. Yes.

Starting point is 00:16:13 Cause now it's awkward. And I kind of go, hey man, comics. You know, we joke around, fuck around, you know? And he just won't look up. Didn't look up. So then I start going, let's get away from here. We stood there for a long time. A long time. And it was so uncomfortable. around, you know, and he just won't look up. Didn't look up. So then I start going, let's get away from here. We stood there for a long time.

Starting point is 00:16:26 A long time. And it was so uncomfortable and he just kept typing away, looking down, looking down. And Bobby goes, should we walk away? Should we walk away? And I go, all right, we can walk away. So we walk away. Now the whole time the conversation is how uncomfortable I feel. It was so weird.

Starting point is 00:16:42 Yeah, I go, I don't know what to do. I mean, I feel so fucking bad. And I said, just go over to him. You and your wife say it. We said, go over to him. Yeah, yeah. And just say we were just kidding. And I'm like, I'm like going, I don't know, man.

Starting point is 00:16:57 You didn't need to. It was already over. We were kidding. Not only did I need to, I didn't want to. But you did. I did. You're a standup guy. Yeah, I did. So I come stand up guy. Yeah, I did.

Starting point is 00:17:05 So I come up slowly. Hey man, dude, I'm so sorry that I told you to go fuck yourself. I go, seriously, we're like, that's just our brand of humor. You know, usually that gets a laugh. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:17:19 And I'm so sorry. And he goes, why are you apologizing to me? And I go, well, cause I just, I feel bad. And he goes, and he just goes back into his- Now you forget one thing. He said, that was really rude. Oh, that was right. He goes, that was really rude.

Starting point is 00:17:33 I go, I know, I know. And then he goes back into his thing. This is like a 50 year old man. We were just fucking kidding. And he fucking took it to heart. He screwed Bobby off and he looked back down and tight, but then Bobby loved it cause he walked by us. He goes, what if he's back down and tight, but then Bobby loved it, because he walked by us. He goes, what if he's not even on this plane?

Starting point is 00:17:47 I go, he's on this plane. Oh yeah, yeah. And he walked right by us and Bobby stared at him the whole fucking time. I stared at him when he walked in the plane. But anyway, wherever you are, sir. So we're sorry. We're fucking kidding.

Starting point is 00:17:59 We're kidding, but you know what, dude? Fuck that guy. Hell yeah yeah dude. For real. Well what did you really say to me? You come up to me all nervous and he goes, what if he runs a studio? What if he's like a president?

Starting point is 00:18:10 Oh yeah, yeah, I mean, because that's my fucking, that's my lock. You know what I mean? It's Jeff Bezos. Yeah. Or whatever, you know what I mean? But it's like, but then he, he went to coach. Bobby loved that.

Starting point is 00:18:23 Well I loved it because the odds of him being a studio exec just came way down yeah yeah that's true I'm like oh and he also had an instrument yeah he had an instrument like a violin or something something like a small little instrument so um I mean I'm pretty in probably there's an orchestra in LA that doesn't like me right now it would have the LA Philharmonic yeah I don't care I don't go to that. Me neither. Yeah, yeah, so it's a fucking, but anyway,

Starting point is 00:18:47 we're sorry. I mean, I'm sorry. Don't fuck yourself. But I do believe that I took a risk. Good. You know, I do try to make amends when it's needed. Of course you did the right thing. And usually it works out where like, hey man, I understand, you know what I mean? Whatever, but that just didn't happen.

Starting point is 00:19:02 10 times out of 10, it works out. You've never with that guy though. I can't believe it. I couldn't believe it, but it didn't ruin a good trip We went down to Austin. No, he was Didn't okay the Friday was great. We did show with Joe you you guys weren't there you were Carlos there She chose the God oh and I got out and Frank we have the basement yard I think it's only available on patreon. Hmm. That was fun. Then we went out to a great dinner Oh my god, a glorious dinner three for forks, we had a great dinner.

Starting point is 00:19:25 And then Rogan texted me, oh, I know I had run into Rogan earlier, the night before, and he goes, You all right? No. What? Did you do this Kreek or?

Starting point is 00:19:38 Kreek, I did that. No, I hope there's seared or fried. What, stir fry? Jesus, this guy's hungry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope there's stir fry. Do you want stirfry right now? Carlos, go get him some stir-fry. Go get him some stir-fry. Certified. Yeah. We are certified. By the way, I wanna walk in here next time for him with stir-fry in it, got it?

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Starting point is 00:23:52 or Shopper's Drug Mart today. So Rogan invited us to the Black Keys. So we go. It was unbelievable. Awesome. We were backstage, we met the guys, you know, So we go. It was fucking- Unbelievable. Awesome. We were backstage, we met the guys, you know, and, but when they were about to play,

Starting point is 00:24:11 we, for some reason, ended up on the stage. They walked us across the stage. Which was weird. That was so cool. I thought it was awesome. No, I thought it was weird. Like, cause people, I think the audience was like, what the fuck is going on here?

Starting point is 00:24:22 They cheered. I didn't hear cheers. I heard cheers. That's in your head. Oh, it is? Yeah. Maybe it was just Kreekor out there. Maybe. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, really? Yeah, it was rad. Oh, that's cool. When you said I needed to leave, Joe was like, where the fuck is he going?

Starting point is 00:24:47 And I was like, this is what he does. He leaves, he just gets uncomfortable and needs to leave. But you missed it. Cause afterwards- No, I saw five or six songs, like I knew all the songs. Yeah. And I was just like, oh, that was cool.

Starting point is 00:24:59 And I just kind of, it just got to, there was these two guys in back of me. I don't know who those guys are. Yeah. And then, also there's a little fence here where everyone is and they're just kinda like, I don't know, I just felt uncomfortable. I get it.

Starting point is 00:25:13 I felt like trapped in a cage. It was also hard for you to see. Well, because Duncan Trussell was there and I was there. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, it was a great time and then Saturday we did the mothership and you know Bounced around the mothership a little bit and then brought some of our friends. Yeah. Yeah saw Jim Norton Erica Road Oh my god, a bunch of good comics good comics. It was a fun weekend

Starting point is 00:25:33 It actually was really like these little trips with these little tiny trips We take we should take more but we should just do it just you and I together Yeah, well, we're not really and we did do a show but a simple thing. No, it was small and intimate. It was kind of a fun little, you know what was nice to not have there? The boys. Yeah. It felt good.

Starting point is 00:25:52 It felt real good. It felt free. You liked it because you turn to me at some point and you go, it's nice that McCone's not here. I did say that, I think. You did, and you meant it. And I think you- Not in an offensive way, it was just like,

Starting point is 00:26:04 you know what like a, you know what compound W is? Is that a cream? It's close. Yeah. Compound W removed the warts. Okay. You know, and it's like, I used to have a wart on my knuckle and I used compound W.

Starting point is 00:26:23 Knuckle. Yeah. He had a wart on his moose knuckle. Yeah my moose knuckle and um In a way and it was just like I don't have the war that's kind of what it felt like I'm having with coming around Oh, that's really like I think it's gone That's funny because the warts do kind of come and go as they please they do they grow back at the same spots on And also they pop up at the most Inconvenient times don't. So you're gonna name? Wart. Wart.

Starting point is 00:26:47 We have Abe, Kreekor, and Wart. Yeah, but no offense because sometimes when you're around, yeah, you know. Sometimes warts are okay. Yeah. Sometimes they add character. You know when you see like a witch with boils and warts? It looks cool. Well, it gives you reality a check.

Starting point is 00:27:02 Right. Oh, I'm human. Or I have to deal with human things. You know, it gives you reality a check. Right. Oh, I'm human. Or I have to deal with human things. You know, you got negative and no emotions and stuff. Right. You got a lot of compliments on your gels this weekend for some reason.

Starting point is 00:27:14 Yeah. A lot. Yeah, it drives you crazy. It drives me nuts. You don't like my nails? I don't. I know. I don't, but I don't know why.

Starting point is 00:27:21 Yeah, why does it bother you? Just because my dad used to make us paint our nails. No, there's no way. When we would lose. Like if I lost a basketball game, he'd make me paint my nails, and I'd have to wear a dress and walk around the neighborhood, and I'd say, I'm a little sissy.

Starting point is 00:27:35 I would say, I'm a little sissy boy and I can't win. And I'd have to repeat. And the neighborhood goes, shame, shame, shame, shame. And they'd ring a bell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, when Cersei had to do that in Game of Thrones, oh my God, imagine. Shame, shame, shame. And they ring a bell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, when Cersei had to do that in Game of Thrones, oh my God, imagine. Shame, shame, shame.

Starting point is 00:27:47 And then when she gets revenge on that one crazy nun, where she's in prison and that nun's like harassing her for a season, and then, you know, the tables have turned, and then the mountain, was it the mountain or whatever, had to torture the... You guys never saw Game of Thrones? No. Wait, do you know what it is?

Starting point is 00:28:08 I've seen it. I've never seen an episode, but I've seen it. What's that? Oh, this is fucking phenomenal. We do this at the end or no? We do these at the end? Yeah, go ahead, do it at the end. We don't do this now. He is, but you know, he's throwing stuff in the air and I do like that he's juggling. And you know why he's trying everything right now? Why?

Starting point is 00:28:24 Because he's sober as he's ever been. He's clear headed. He's participatory. I don't know, man. Great A marks from me. Well, you don't believe that I'm not drinking? I think you're still smoking weed. I'm not.

Starting point is 00:28:34 Okay. Yeah. See, that was actually very honest. You could tell that he's not. That was good. Yeah, yeah. How many days now? A little, like 95, 96 or something.

Starting point is 00:28:44 Look at me in the eyes. pills no pills lexapro only Prescription that's legal. That's legal. That's fine. Okay, my bad Congratulations, man. No Tussin. You're not like Tussin trippin. No, I wish no no Tussin. How's the sexual behavior? I actually slowed down a little bit. Very good. Very yeah before you came in. He was showing us hooker websites. Oh, yeah Slow down a little bit very good very before you came in he was showing us hooker websites Really before you once say that's what we're looking at yeah, he was telling me What did you say say what you said? Soon as your money came in as soon as I pay the check I wrote him a check all right as soon as I wrote I'm a check. What'd you do?

Starting point is 00:29:20 We'll give you a little right raise didn't we? The moment that he cashed the check. That's insane. Maybe we shouldn't get in that raise. Well, no, he's gonna use it anyways. I'd rather at that than on drugs. That's true. But also that can be a drug be careful. Yeah, and also I just want to say I got invited to a girl's place last week to do coke like two in the morning And I thought about it for a while, but I didn't go. He called me. It's a girl that you've already penetrated? No, we're working on it. Okay. Yeah, thank you, Goop.

Starting point is 00:29:47 Thanks, Goop. Thanks, Creek. Nice, Creek. No, he did call me and tell me. He's like, you'd be proud of me. I got invited to a party that was really, typically would want to go to real bad, but resisted. But that's huge.

Starting point is 00:29:57 So these girls, they call you up and they say, hey, we got a bag. You got to come over. Yeah. What's your first thought? Oh, this can be like- Here, ready? Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Hello? Hey, Carlos. Hey. What's your first thought? Oh, this can be like- Here, ready? Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling.

Starting point is 00:30:06 Hello? Hey, Carlos. Hey, what's going on? What's up? Hold on, this is my- Carlos, I have a girl with me. Who are you talking to? Carlos, you know that bald weirdo? Oh my god.

Starting point is 00:30:17 Do you like him? Like, he's like, that guy, Crumb. Yeah! Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we call him Crumb. Why? He has crumbs. He's crusty. He's crusty. Yeah anyway Carlos we have a bag of coke with your name on it. What are you thinking? Is there any fentanyl in it? I?

Starting point is 00:30:33 Mean fuck I have one of those strips. Let me check hold on Don't laugh I know I just like you know whatever because we always have pure coke We always appear and when he's asking me it's like I luckily I have these fentanyl strips. Thank God tests a test test Let's see a little a little bit not enough to kill in that not to kill anybody want to come over Yeah, I do let me call you back anyway. There's no there's no fat. There's no fat in that so please come over I have to call Andrew Rose is that that stupid redhead from Dave? Is that that ugly guy from Dave? No, he's one of my best friends.

Starting point is 00:31:08 But is it the same guy? Is it the same guy? He's friends with a little Chinese fat guy? Yeah, exactly. Ew. That Chinese fat guy's pretty hot though. You think so? I don't think so.

Starting point is 00:31:17 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you think so? Because it's like, guys like that, they have way bigger dicks than you think. No, that's not what I've heard and seen. That's not true. I actually went to one of their shows and I saw it and it was fucking gruff.

Starting point is 00:31:26 Yeah, well I'm gonna say I talked to his ex, Kaililah, Sarah, Christine, all these exes, they said, big dick. That's not what Kaililah said to me. Anyway. Are you gonna come over to this pope with us or not? I'm on my way. There he goes.

Starting point is 00:31:40 I'm glad that you resist and you do the right thing and pick up the phone and call a friend. Do not, I'm sure that's tempting too because two cute chicks want you to come over and hang out. Yeah, and do your mind Do you ever think I could go over there and not do coke and just hang out with cool hot chicks? That's what my plan was. I knew I do soak You know what's funny is I soaked in New York last week you did you soaked in New York That's what it is put it in and let it sit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You leave it in.

Starting point is 00:32:06 You're right, Krikor. I know what happens in the Mormon community. Have you ever soaked Krikor? No, but I knew it had to be dirty because Carlos is doing it. That's right. Right. In the Mormon community, somebody gets under the bed and while you're soaking and they bounce the mattress.

Starting point is 00:32:16 Do you know this? That sounds fun. Okay. Oh, you're the... I feel like that's your job. You'd be great on Canada Day. You're like, weeeee. He's just sitting cross-legged eating chips with his head hitting the bottom of the bed.

Starting point is 00:32:30 Yeah, and some girls are like, who's doing that? Oh, it's Kreekor, it's under the bed. And he has to go, Kreekor, Kreekor, Kreekor. Wow. You soaked in New York? Yeah, I think it was because it was the first time with this girl, it was like the first time we met, that it was like a progression over the night,

Starting point is 00:32:45 like, hanging on my pants, then my underwear, then soak. But the weird thing is, love on the spectrum was on the whole time. Really? So I got into it, so I was listening during this whole time. Maybe that's why you couldn't, that's why you stopped it soaking. Well, how do you know I didn't come?

Starting point is 00:33:01 Cause I didn't. I think he did it. He's a detective. Did you see that? Yeah, he's a good little detective. Yeah, you're like Sherlock Holmes to me. I could ask away. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:15 You came for love on the spectrum and we're gonna prove it. I didn't come watching love on the spectrum, I promise. Keep going, Creek. You got it. I'm not trained for this. Creek, let's do a little scenario here. I really think that you're like Sherlock Holmes.

Starting point is 00:33:32 Okay. It's the early 1800s in London. I've been to London. That doesn't matter, it's fine. God damn it. All right, right? And him and I are police officers. We're on a scene of the crime. That's right, right? And we, him and our police officers, we're on a scene of the crime.

Starting point is 00:33:46 That's right. Right? There's a young lady, brutally stabbed. There's a knife, but it's broken off. But we can't find the other half of the knife, okay? We don't know what to do, because we're two. Like, Mike, what do we do? I don't really know what I do.

Starting point is 00:34:05 I just don't, I don't understand how we hired like this type of English guy. From Essex or something. Well I got the job. Well part of the knife is broken. Creekor, it's up to you to figure it out. Yeah Creekor, we called you. There's our phones, we called them. We rung you up. We rung you up.

Starting point is 00:34:26 Yeah. Sorry, Kreekor, about his face. You've got to finish- He had a stroke. You've got to finish your crime. You're a great actor. I'll be eating beans on toast. I think the first place you should check is inside for the other half. Oh, inside for the other half. Yeah. Inside for the other half.

Starting point is 00:34:44 Well, are you having a stroke? No. Yeah. Are you English? Hello. I'm trying to do what you're doing. I feel like this is like watching TV. Yes.

Starting point is 00:34:55 We're in check. We're in check. It's out. When Bobby does English, it's like a Asian guide. No, shut up, man. It's an Asian English guide. Let me fucking commit to it, dude. Anyway, bullocks. Asian guy. Shut up man! Let me fucking commit to it dude! Anyway Bullocks,

Starting point is 00:35:06 find the fucking other half of the knife inside the body. So what do you do to find the other half? Creek, you're up. I think you have to flip them over and burp them. Burp them? See if the other half comes out that way. Because people swallow daggers, I think. They swallow daggers.

Starting point is 00:35:22 Behold. Wow. I lied in my resume What what happened to your accent I don't know yours freaked my Anyway, okay, so you very good you would be a good detective. That would be very good. Whoa. So you wanted us to tap his body so that the other blade would come out of the hole? Yeah, you burp him. You burp him. Yeah. Wow.

Starting point is 00:35:53 That's never been done. He's gotta be in there somewhere. Yeah, okay. I don't know, Creek. Yeah. Are you finding some newfound fame? Look behind you. We had some fan make art for you, which is incredible.

Starting point is 00:36:08 Well, you're turning violet, Violet. That's what that is. You know what that's from. Yeah. I love Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. There it is. I don't like the Johnny Depp version at all.

Starting point is 00:36:20 Why is that? Because Johnny Depp- So you hate Johnny Depp post scandal or pre scandal? He was just terrible in that movie. You don't need to make him, you know, Willy Wonka quirky because he's already perfect. So you think Gene Wilder's version is the best version? Yeah. By far.

Starting point is 00:36:36 What about Chalamet? Didn't he just redo it? As a young Willy Wonka. Yeah. Do you not like Chalamet's version? Um, yeah, I watched it. It took three times to get through it, but you can't beat the original. You can't beat the original.

Starting point is 00:36:49 Yeah. There's, you know. You really can't. You really can't. I don't know. I honestly, I've only seen that movie one time. God, I've watched it so many fucking times. So I don't know what it's about at all.

Starting point is 00:36:59 Can I just, and I'm not making a bit out about it. Let me see if I can get it. Let's see how close you are. Okay. There's a factory. That's see how close you are. Okay. There's a factory. That's a crazy part. There's not. Well, there's a- Really?

Starting point is 00:37:10 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Of course. And this guy, Willy Wonka. Willy Wonka. William T. Wonka. William T. Wonka. Right.

Starting point is 00:37:22 Runs this chocolate factory. That's right. William T. Wonka. William T. Wonka. Right, runs this chocolate factory. That's right. And there's a promotional kind of a contest for people that in a bar, there's a ticket, right? And if you get the golden ticket, you get to go to this promotional thing. Seems like you've seen it.

Starting point is 00:37:37 No, I know I haven't. I saw it one time, I was just, now it gets a little hazy. Okay. So of all the kids that get the golden ticket. Right, and then things ensue. Somebody gets blowzop. One of them is fat, one of them is a bitch.

Starting point is 00:37:51 Okay, and. Okay, Goop. Goop. Slow down. Who's the bitch, Goop? Veruca Salt. Veruca Salt. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:00 Oh, that's her name? There's a band called Veruca Salt. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Newsflash.ash news flash. They're named after her Wow. Yeah Anyway, and then there wasn't a band called Charlie Bucket Charlie Bucket is such a good name for a band But at the end there was a gobstopper that one of the kids stole

Starting point is 00:38:19 Everlasting gobstop everlasting got stubborn as at the end of the movie, he puts it on Willy Wonka's desk. That's Charlie. Charlie. Charlie is, Charlie is bribed by Willy Wonka's, what seems to be his evil competitor. Right? And he says, if you steal me an Everlasting Gobstopper. Smeagol's Worth or something. That guy.

Starting point is 00:38:43 What? That's the guy who- Smeagol? Smeagol's Worth or something. That guy. What? That's the guy who- Smeagol? Smeagol's worth or something. The guy you're doing your- Schmeagol's worth. That one.

Starting point is 00:38:51 No, it's not Schmeagol's worth. His name in the movie is, what is his name, that fucking guy? Willy Wonka enemy? Yeah, what is his fucking name? Slugworth. He wasn't even close at all. Smeagol's worth. He had S. Smeag. Schmiegelsworth. He had S.

Starting point is 00:39:05 Schmiegelsworth is- Slogworth, by the way. I remember vividly as a kid watching this, by the way, and seeing the way they shot that the sheen on his face, it was so smooth. I remember the light bouncing off his cheeks and the indentation and how scary he looked, the way he talked to him. There's no job that this guy doesn't have that scares the shit out of people. At McDonald's, what do you think?

Starting point is 00:39:24 Yeah. Like, I wouldn't eat it. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Yeah, he's so scary in this film. He does such a great job. Wow. But he convinces Charlie to try to steal an everlasting Gobstopper. Right there, that's the scene.

Starting point is 00:39:37 And Charlie Bucket succumbs to the poor, overwhelming feeling of trying to help his family out, and Jack's one with his grandpa Joe. You said Jack's one with his grandpa Joe. Dude, honestly, dude, you need help. You need to go to the hospital and get your head checked out. Eat one of those chips, Creek. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:02 Chip, eat a Crick. Anyway. Chip, eat a Crick. And. Chip, eat a Crick. So, and then Willy Wonka likes Charlie, no. Well, he sees the good in Charlie the whole film, because all these other kids are kind of spoiled brats. There's Mike TV. Right, right. Wants to be a Hollywood movie star.

Starting point is 00:40:14 I see. And there's Violet Beauregard and Veruca. Wow, so you've seen it, you've seen it recently. One of my favorite books. Wow. It was one of my favorite books as a kid. Like, I loved it so much. And then what ended up happening was,

Starting point is 00:40:24 you stole fizzy lifting drink. That scene is one of the best scenes of all time. Right. favorite books as a kid, like I loved it so much. And then what ended up happening was you stole fizzy lifting drink. That scene is one of the best scenes of all time. Right. And so he's with his uncle or something, right? Grandpa Joe, Grandpa Joe. And he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's,

Starting point is 00:40:38 he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, Grandpa Joe, one second. Very good. And he, what? That's very good. And he walks up to the table. I remember Willy Wonka is writing something down. Maybe he's like, you know, writing a letter or drawing a picture. I don't know what he was doing. And he sets it on the table.

Starting point is 00:40:54 He turns around and then Willy Wonka goes, this isn't Charlie, right? Charlie? Come back here, Charlie. You've won, Charlie. Oh yeah, yeah, you won, Charlie. Yeah, that's something like that. The beautiful scene that these film dorks Come back here, Charlie. You've won, Charlie. Oh yeah, yeah. You've won, Charlie. Yeah, that's something like that.

Starting point is 00:41:06 The beautiful scene that these film dorks will remember is when he puts the Gobstopper down and he puts his hand on the God's... Do you know this moment? Willie puts his hand over the Gobstopper as if to say, a man's have been made. Peace has been made. Him putting his hands on the Gobstopper was you saying to the man? I'm sorry. I told you to go fuck yourself Dude and all he could have done all he should have done was ride the elevator through the glass into the sky with you But he did that guy did he that guy was slug worth. He's slug worth the man. We met you hear that violin man You hear that violin man. You're slug of work. I'm gonna say this right now, dude. I've never ever in my lifetime

Starting point is 00:41:44 And you're slug of earth. I'm gonna say this right now dude. I've never ever in my lifetime Go ahead no, I'm never in my lifetime I've met any individual like you did that was out of pocket on the real and on rehearsal You got a lot of nerve slug. I thought was a terrible trip because you got it. You got it How dare that guy? hex clan you guys um you, I had a breakup. A little baby breakup, just a little baby breakup. A couple years ago, and she moved out of the house. Yep.

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Starting point is 00:46:02 Mine didn't exist. I walked around for a while looking for this guy. Well, that happened to me the time before, remember, when mine didn't even show up at all. And then my guy lied, by the way. This is what's the weirdest thing. But I didn't fuck up with Andrew. No, no, it wasn't his fault.

Starting point is 00:46:17 Okay. It wasn't, it wasn't Carlos' fault. If you fuck up Thursday, I swear to God you're fired. No, I, oh, I promise. That's it. I'm gonna call you directly and go, you're fired. I don't ever wanna see you again. That will never I okay. Oh, I promise. That's it. I'm gonna call you directly and go you're fired I don't want to see you again Anyway anyway anyway, um, you just jinxed him Fancy be nice. In fact, you should get your car ready

Starting point is 00:46:39 Like I should go there. Should I be parked there? Wait a minute. What why Carlos just got a brand new car. Why don't you put on a suit and pick him up? Yeah, I can do that. Should I wear all bad friends stuff? And I want you to hold a sign. Outside of Rogan's club though, I don't know if you saw this,

Starting point is 00:46:54 there were black Israelites. Do you know what this is, Goop? Creek, do you know what a black Israelite is? Looks like an African Jew to me. Okay. Jesus Christ. There was dozens of black Israelites yelling in the streets. They were the original Jews and they were screaming at people

Starting point is 00:47:08 and they were wearing purple shirts, just like those shirts right there. And they were screaming at people. That's exactly what they were wearing. That's it. That's what Beyonce's backup dancers were at Coachella. Is this at Coachella? I think so.

Starting point is 00:47:18 Wow. There's the trumpets they're not holding. Or Wakanda. So these individuals. Did you just hear what he just said? That was so fucking funny. Oh my God. Holy shit. Wakanda. So these individuals. Did you just hear what he just said? That was so fucking funny. Oh my God. Holy shit. Wakanda?

Starting point is 00:47:30 Wow. This is the sniper. Yeah, yeah. Let me ask you a question. So are these individuals, are they Jewish of descent? They say they are the original Jews. Wow, so they believe in Judaism and they practice Judaism. They believe in, yeah, they believe. They are the original Jews. Wow, so they believe in Judaism and they practice Judaism. They believe in, yeah, they believe, they are the original Jews, they say.

Starting point is 00:47:49 They were yelling at people in the street handing out pamphlets. Okay. And it wasn't an approachable, I would rather the other version of Jews that's like, hey, come get a pamphlet. Like this was very aggressive. Very aggressive. Well, they need these people. These great fine people.

Starting point is 00:48:02 Jesus. These great fine people. There's good people on both sides. Yeah, there's good Jews, black Jews and white Jews. No, but it was crazy how they were screaming at us. Wow. And I was like, I'm just trying to go to the fucking club. But they were actually protesting Joe's club?

Starting point is 00:48:16 No, no, no, no. Oh, OK. No, no, no. They were in Sixth Street protesting something. I couldn't really hear what they were doing. It had nothing to do with the club. It was just out front of his fucking club because Sixth Street is a absolute nightmare.

Starting point is 00:48:27 It's a nightmare. It's disgusting. Yeah. Look at that guy right there. Yeah. Pointing, letting you know. Yeah. Yeah, black Israelites.

Starting point is 00:48:34 Shout out to the black Israelites. Okay. Okay, anyway. How many shows? Now you're going to see another show? You just went and saw a show. Who are you going to see now? I'm doing 20 shows in New York next week. You're what? I'm going to see 20 shows in

Starting point is 00:48:48 New York. 20 Broadway shows. Yeah. Oh, by the way, at whatever show we talk about ends up getting canceled. Sleep No More has been operating without a permit apparently for two years. Rock and roll. And they shut it down. Love that. And Adele lost her voice and she canceled. But you did go to Madonna with Esther, no? Yeah. That was fun. It was a lot of fun. Yeah, we're gonna see KC Musgraves together. You kind of are a material girl, huh? Not a physical material girl.

Starting point is 00:49:12 What's that other thing? Oh, no, then I'm not a material girl. I'm more of an experienced one. You're an experienced girl. Yeah. Like a virgin. My favorite song by her is Borderline. I like that song.

Starting point is 00:49:22 That's so good. It's a good song. She's a phenomenon. Do you remember how people talk about Taylor Swift? Huge star, but do you remember in the fucking late 80s? Dude Madonna was huge. Yeah, she was she was the same kind of scale same kind of scale of fervor Obviously not as big because the internet didn't exist if the internet would exist did Madonna would have been as big Oh, yeah, 100% she would have had her huh bigger bigger Maybe but maybe it's hard to know because Taylor Swift is a global phenomenon Madonna was too

Starting point is 00:49:54 But the reach was just more because of the is it is it me though? I'm gonna ask a serious real question here. I Can't I don't know a Taylor Swift song. I mean, I'm sure she's very good, but like, but Madonna songs, I know like all the, like the top eight hits, right? Yeah, I think you do know Taylor Swift songs. You just don't remember that you know them because they're- Yeah, but even as a young guy was like, oh, that's borderline by Madonna.

Starting point is 00:50:17 I mean, like it was catchy, you know what I mean? But is it because I'm older? I don't know what's going on. Yeah, it's not for us. Really? Yeah, dude, we're old. You're a 52 year old Chinese man. It's not for us. Really? Yeah, dude. We're old. You're a 52 year old Chinese man. It's not for you.

Starting point is 00:50:27 Oh yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. She's not writing songs for you. Okay. I mean, seriously, do Taylor Swift's number one songs, and I got to tell you, you will know all of them. It's just like-

Starting point is 00:50:38 I literally won't. Like, shake it off, shake it off, hoo hoo hoo. You know that song. Literally don't. No chance. Never heard it. I got a blank space baby, and I'll write your name. You know that no, okay I don't know Bad blood you so in definitely no bad blood. I don't know I know Billy Eilish. I know Adele I know um people who didn't build their careers off pity. Yeah, oh

Starting point is 00:51:03 He hates Taylor Swift. You don't? No. Why? Not much of a singer, we don't need a 10 minute version of any song. Whoa. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:51:12 That dull, you know, that dull thing. You know what? You're not a material girl, you're a moody girl. Yeah. You're a little moody girl. You're a moody bitch, huh? Who's a little moody bitch over there? I like that.

Starting point is 00:51:22 Me. You're a little judgy bitch. I think you're actually, he's a very- I'm not judgy. You are judgy. A Kreek orp, cut it out. You've never seen a Taylor Swift concert? I have, all she does is-

Starting point is 00:51:33 Oh, you've been? Yeah, all she does is- It goes! But you have to keep your enemies closer. Whoa. How many times have you seen Taylor Swift live? I think three times. Okay, but once wasn't enough to say I don't like her?

Starting point is 00:51:46 It was never her alone. Oh, she's at festival lineups. Oh, I see. What artists have you seen the most? Like the most number of times? When I was a kid, I saw Hilary Duff 23 times. Jesus Christ. Does she have a lot of songs?

Starting point is 00:52:02 Yeah, she has an incredible You know discography Hillary Ashley Simpson the queen of pop. She's incredible. Do you like fugazi? Is that like bukkake? Yeah What little bit same thing? Yeah, like do you like like punk bands? Uh Like is there a sonic youth album, you know, or. I wouldn't say Fugazi's a punk band. Oh they're totally, I mean minor threats to Fugazi, they're pretty DC punk. The Weeknd's very good. I like his white songs and his black songs. Creek.

Starting point is 00:52:35 Creek, creek. The Weeknd has black and white songs? Yeah. What are his black songs? His white songs are like blinding lights and then his black songs are like, you know when he whispers and says really Like R&B when he does R&B. Whisper a little dirty thing that he would say in my ear. Go ahead. Um Go ahead man. No, I wouldn't just say it. I

Starting point is 00:53:00 Need to know lyrics no, you know just make it up if you don't know come on No, they're mortifying. Oh, no just say just come on man Give me something aggressive that I Need my phone no no no from make it up pre core from your heart Yeah, baby Some of that yeah, baby. Some of that. Yeah, baby. Pump that juice inside my. It's worse.

Starting point is 00:53:29 Oh, really? Oh, let me see. Let me see if I can guess if you want to. OK, all right. Yeah, baby. Let me take my fucking knuckle dick. Right. Jam it up your fucking tight twat and rip holes, baby. What's up? I think that's what he said. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's up? I think that's what he said I don't like this. Why why grossing me out? I'm just saying I'm trying to get this. What would he say? Okay, something come on. I'm

Starting point is 00:53:57 I'm dirty come on look up or nah, no, no, no, don't we're making it up. So I'm we're a club Tampa sounds like it No, no, no, don't we're making it up. Oh, so I'm we're a club Tampa Sounds like it You know like you don't like this. No, no, no, I like it 2008. Mm-hmm, right? Ybor Street I'm bent over big booty booty beyond booties. It's like Twilight It's like that night sky and I'm jiggling it Hey Cool, I'm jiggling it Hey

Starting point is 00:54:25 Uncle weak we are I'm cool week. We are Hey, I'm cool week. We are what's your name, baby, baby? Yo, yo, what is my boy Creek or? Not you he's trying to hit not Creek or you hit No, no, not you. He's trying to hit that creek or you know, I'm always trying to hit Well, what he's my boy trying to hit what he gonna say Creek run game on this bitch What he gonna say run game on his bitch Creek you could have your own strip club with that ass Wow, well that was weird. Are you interested in my boy Creek Creek run some I don't is bit

Starting point is 00:54:59 I want game from you player. No way Creek. Please. Please. I don't want that guy Creek try again. Yeah, I think it's forceful now I think I have to stop I think My legs are pretty fucking do it dude tomorrow hey This was a bad idea every time we go out fucking do it every time we go out. That's what he does You're supposed to do it. You can't go out anymore if you keep doing that. Oh, gee, what? No. But you're making it weird. All you have to do is say, you know, I think you're beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?

Starting point is 00:55:32 Yeah, something. Come on, Creek. You don't drink at all, right? Oh, I drink. I like drinkies. What's your favorite drink? I like gin. I like Jameson. One's gin and one was whiskey. So you just like anything real whatever gets you fucked up. Yeah, no beer. I like beer Okay, I like I like them all I want to get drunk with Creek. Yeah, please I'm out. You're out

Starting point is 00:55:58 I know I'm so mad right now. Sorry my legs burn so bad right now. I'm so mad that he didn't play along I didn't do anything. Yeah, you fucked it up, man. My legs are burning because we could have done a bit. Creek was trying to do the bit and he fucked it up. Don't blame me. I know, but you don't need a friend in this scenario. Yes, you do. As a bad person, I know how your legs feel right now.

Starting point is 00:56:16 Hey. They're burning from the bottom up. No? No. All right, because for some reason you don't want to do it. Because I want to pass the mic to Creek. Yeah, I'm just trying to get some sexualities from you, man. We're going to try to, we're going to have to put Icy Hot

Starting point is 00:56:31 on Bobby's legs. You use Icy Hot, bud? No. Yeah. Have you ever put Bengay on your dick? No, no, no. He has. No.

Starting point is 00:56:42 No. I pocket dialed you the other night. I know you did. And it was cute. You called me right back and I said, sorry, pocket dial. Yeah, I pocket dialed you the other night. I know you did and I it was cute You called me right back and I said sorry fuck dial. Yeah, but I know sorry the little I do because I mean I wish I could giggle. I didn't you can giggle in text I should get going text because I giggle when you know what my dad does my dad'll butt dial me and then it'll leave a 30 minute voicemail Of him just talking to the head just talking to other people or just talking to the TV. Sometimes I'll hear him talking to the television

Starting point is 00:57:04 I'm not kidding. He's alone most of the day. So he'll just yell at the TV. Yeah, just talking to other people or just talking to the TV. Sometimes I'll hear him talking to the television. I'm not kidding. He's alone most of the day, so he'll just yell at the TV. It's kind of sad. I wish I could move my parents out here. Like, don't you wish your mom was closer? No. Really?

Starting point is 00:57:16 No, I don't. Wait, why? I think I would worry about her constantly. If she was closer. No, because I know that she lives in Phoenix and I know she lives in the suburbs. You know, I- It's nice and safe.

Starting point is 00:57:29 Safe. You know, in LA, there's other elements that I don't know. I know what you're saying. Yeah. I'm afraid of elements, you know what I mean, being exposed to her that I don't want. Hollywood stuff. Like your mom ends up at a Hollywood party Yeah, Carlos. Yeah with Carlos, right? Yeah, and there's like fentanyl. She's like I want to try that to me try Carlos Yeah, because she has said

Starting point is 00:57:55 Before I die I want to try Moana Well, why don't we let her try she's gonna she's old enough now Like a gummy or something like a blunt. No, not a no I don't smoke anything. No, don't fucking blunt her dude. I do don't blunt is yeah. Yeah. Don't blow my mom right now I'm like a little like five milligram little gummy. Yeah, I got her. Yeah, give her two. Yeah, she's never smoked We she never touched marijuana before give her a two see how she feels give her another two See how she feels then dose over the 20 I also have mushroom chocolates in my I don't want her to have that. Okay. Well give that to someone give that to us No, it's in the back right now. It's in the back of your freezer

Starting point is 00:58:33 Although you're also talking about in the in the van over to the black keys. I Don't want to name the name but I guess You can just cook up cut that out right I guess you can just cook up, cut that out, right? This older comic legend has the best LSD in the country. Really? Yeah, and it's liquid form and they go one drop. You're telling me Jay Leno has the best LSD? Yeah, yeah, Jay Leno did.

Starting point is 00:59:00 Have you ever done acid? Oh yeah. I hated acid when I did it. I didn't like it. Yeah. Mushrooms love. No, I like acid because it's more, I just, it's more intense than the, you know what I mean? Like I hallucinate crazy.

Starting point is 00:59:15 Like the walls open up. I wonder if you can see as much as we see when you hallucinate. Probably not as much. Because it's, I don't, you see it in the peripheral. It's a little blinders, huh? Yeah. Yeah. I only see this much Asian hallucinating is only restricted. Yeah, you think Bobby do you see that dragon you're like, yeah Yeah, yeah

Starting point is 00:59:37 I have to actually directly look at it I mean and not you know When Asians hallucinate their vision is just like an Apple Pro where you have to like kind of like move your head around a little bit to see it all. Well, that's why they didn't run when the fucking bomb hit. And they couldn't see it coming? Yeah, they were just, whoa. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:59:54 They didn't, you know, if they had regular eyes. They could have seen it up. They could have seen it and they would have run, but they were like, oh, what? By the way, there was a guy on the plane wearing an Apple Vision Pro. And it is funny to watch a guy. Yeah, he was sitting like right there in that seat right next to me and there's funny to watch a guy like this

Starting point is 01:00:09 Wow and he's doing his people next to him just like reading a book like that is gonna be the future The whole plane is gonna be on devices But what's the difference between Apple vision and oculus cuz I have an oculus and I was tired of that for two weeks Apple vision supposed to be significantly better than really? Yeah, but the technology is better. Where can I get one? Can I go to Apple Store right now and buy one? Yeah, right now. They're $5,000.

Starting point is 01:00:29 It's like- Fuck! Yeah, the Oculus is only, what, 600 bucks? Yeah. It's very reasonable in comparison. Yeah, they're 500 bucks. 500 bucks, but the Apple one is four grand. And by the way, it depends on the gigabyte you get.

Starting point is 01:00:42 That's four grand for the 512. That's where it starts, right? Yep. And what can you do? Watch movies? Anything. It's fully immersive. You can be watching something, but it's also, what do you call it?

Starting point is 01:00:52 You can see what's going on outside of the glasses while also being in, what is that called? Augmented reality. What is it? Augmented reality. Right. So it looks like that. You see that guy, he's looking at his office, but he's also has screens in front of his

Starting point is 01:01:03 face. So if I'm watching that, right, and I'm laying in my bed, I could watch a movie. Yep. And is it? And you can also see what's going on in your house. Look at that, just like that, like apps pop up in the air. Let me see what it looks like when you have a movie on.

Starting point is 01:01:17 That's what he just, right, the first picture. First picture right there is that, that's it. Oh, you see your room then? Yes, yes. Wow, okay, amazing. And you can move that screen room then? Yes. Yes. Wow. Okay. And you can move that screen to wherever you want. You can also have multiple screens up at once. Oh, you can do that. Look at that. Fully immersive. Immersive. Wow. You can also enter the mode where it is completely surrounding you, where you don't see the room. Incredible. Should we get one? It sounds like we're doing a plug for them right now.

Starting point is 01:01:41 Can we get one? For the show? No, I want to buy one. Should I buy one? You should buy Can we get one? For the show? No, I want to buy one. Should I buy one? You should buy one. Did you buy one? No, I don't want to buy one. Can you wear it while you drive? Shut the fuck up!

Starting point is 01:01:51 We're going to shut the fuck up! No, you know what? You know what, Creek? It's definitely illegal to drive with this. 100%. But it will be the future. We will be able to do that. You're going to get in a car.

Starting point is 01:02:02 They're going to make you put that on. Self-driving, right? So you don't touch the wheel. So you're doing something else. What is it now? What? Are they're all sold out? Do you just go to the app? Let's go to the store and go get one, Bob. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to buy one. I mean, they look fun. I just think they're crazy expensive. Yeah, I can get one. Seriously though, how many people are buying buying this? How many people can afford this? Not a lot. It's extremely-

Starting point is 01:02:27 It's expensive. It's a decadent. You think it'll go down? Yes. Well, if a PlayStation 5, you can't even find, so you have to find them on the internet, and that was 2,500 bucks. It sold only 200,000 units. That's not a lot.

Starting point is 01:02:44 In a country as vast as we have, but with the wealth gap the way that is now too, you're talking more and more people cannot afford it. There's no way. It's really silly. It's crazy. But also, you should go buy one. I'm going to buy one. Yeah, you should.

Starting point is 01:02:57 Yeah. You can afford it. You should go buy one. I've been watching online on YouTube court drama. Yeah. whatever, you know, court drama. Doon doon doon. Yeah, dun dun dun, dun dun dun. Doon doon doon. And I, and what I, if I was guilty, I wasn't guilty and I was accused of something

Starting point is 01:03:12 and I get a life sentence, I don't know if I'd be stoic when the judge says the verdict. I'm gonna hand it down to you right now. Order. Should I be? Order in the court. What, gonna hand it down to you right now. Order! Should I be... Order in the court. What should I be, Stoick? You should react how you'd react. What did I do? What am I accused of doing? I'll get to it. Oh, okay. Mr. Lee,

Starting point is 01:03:35 please be quiet. Will the court stenographer, Cree Court, please hand me my sheet. Thank you, C. Looking good today, Creek. Oh, hold on, hold on. You. Hold on. I always turn to the family. Yeah, you have to turn to the family. And no one's there. Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 01:03:52 Oh, that's sad. Mr. Lee. No, no one came. Mr. Lee. Mr. Lee. Andrew. Mr. Lee. I'm not gonna ask again. Oh, sorry, yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:02 Pay attention, please. Okay, okay. Mr. Lee. In the county court case 4965, you have been accused of showing your anus in a public forum. Open anus. How do you plead? Not guilty. You plead not guilty.

Starting point is 01:04:19 They don't really do that because the court, when you give the verdict. Mr. Lee, how do you plead to showing your public anus, your anus in public? Not guilty, not guilty, your honor. We do have this video right here that we can show you of your anus being shown in public. You still plead not guilty? Not guilty.

Starting point is 01:04:37 I'm guilty, I'm guilty. I didn't know you had video. Mr. Lee, I've been a judge. You have the video. For 36 years. Who gave you the video, Carlos? I've never seen something so egreg the video. For 36 years. Who gave you the video? Carlos? I've never seen something so egregious and disgusting in my life.

Starting point is 01:04:47 Yeah. I'm sending to you now, 45 life, 45 to life. What? What? What? Wait. 44, 44, what? Is this on my butt hole?

Starting point is 01:05:02 Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, I've changed my mind. Because of your emotion. I pushed on my butt hole! Because of your emotion I've changed my mind. Mom! No one's there. Who the fuck are you man? That's the stenographer.

Starting point is 01:05:14 Creek order? Yeah, that's Creek. Alright, I go! Mr. Lee, because of your emotion. Oh, you'll go? No, I'll go to prison! Okay. I'll suck your dick.

Starting point is 01:05:22 Okay. I'll do it in prison, I will. You're gonna get more time by doing it. Okay, all right. Don't suck the judge. Did he say dick or dick? He said dicks. Oh, pearl.

Starting point is 01:05:33 Thank you, thank you, Creek. Good reaction. Really? That was really good. That would be terrible. I would've given you less time. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:05:41 Yeah, cut in half for sure. Well, they don't do the guilty thing then, they do the trial and then so now it's just that- You saw the one guy that jumped and almost tried to beat the shit out of the judge? Oh yeah. They sent him and he jumped over the desk? Oh yeah, or the guy, his lawyer, he's handcuffed,

Starting point is 01:05:55 but he doesn't- That elbow attack? Yeah, to hit him in the- Yeah, yeah, and he hits him. Yeah. God, it's so good. What would you do? Well, am I cuffed?

Starting point is 01:06:03 Oh yeah. Oh, you headbutt him. Yeah. You know how, you know, where's the head? You know, sometimes, no, don't do that. Don't hurt that thing. Why? Cause it's going to break. He's my lawyer. All right. All right. Here we go. My lawyer right here. Hope you hurt yourself. I won't. Well, I'm going to do this like this. So it's like, he's a little head. Yeah. And your loins whispering to you, we're going to go away for a little while. It's not going to work out.

Starting point is 01:06:31 So I'm just going to have to take. So just give me the guilty verdict. Mr. Lee, in the case of 495-648, showing your open butthole in public, I find you guilty. 45 years to life. I knew it was going to break. Did it crack? Yeah. Bob.

Starting point is 01:06:58 We can fix it. Such a nice gift. I know. We can fix it. But that was real acting. Yeah, the acting was good. He'd be in trouble. No, he'd be fine. You'd go to prison. I hurt so. Yeah we? That was real acting. Yeah, the acting was good. He'd be in trouble. No, he'd be fine.

Starting point is 01:07:06 You'd go to prison. I hurt so. Yeah, it's gotta hurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, why? Stop typing now. Oh, please stop. Stop hitting.

Starting point is 01:07:14 I can't believe it. You typed the action? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, pick that up. Pick that up. That was improv, right? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:22 No. That was scripted. Pick that up. Give it to me. Like scripted. Give it to me. Like Bobby. Give it to me. Oh. Oh my God. I know, it's okay. I can't believe you broke that. No, we can fix it. Can we?

Starting point is 01:07:29 Yeah. Here we go. It looks like new. You know what's incredible about you? The fucking beautiful artist that made that will like it more now that it's broken. Do you know that? That looks better.

Starting point is 01:07:40 And if I did it, they'd be fucking livid. McCone, this is your new job. You're gonna get epoxy and the glue and all that stuff, and you're gonna fix that the next time we do it, with epoxy and glue. Show me that video. I wanna see that. This is so true to life.

Starting point is 01:07:56 How true is this? Here we go. Listen to this woman. Going for a fart walk after dinner is something that's gonna help you age wonderfully. And if you follow me, you know that my husband and I go for fart walks most nights after dinner is something that's going to help you age wonderfully. And if you follow me, you know that my husband and I go for fart walks most nights after dinner. So about 60 minutes after we've eaten, we put on our running shoes and off we go. Now, why do we do this? Well, we eat a

Starting point is 01:08:15 lot of fiber, so we have gas. And yeah, you fart when you walk. So that's why I named it that. But the main reason that we do the fart walks is because by walking for as little as two minutes, we should walk for about 10, 15, 20, but not really quickly. It's more of a moderate walk. We are helping reduce our chances of developing type two diabetes. Why? That's incredible. Incredible.

Starting point is 01:08:41 A fart walk is genius because every time you're with your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, you eat dinner and then you sit around the house and you're holding it in. I don't. Well, you're not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you're trying to hook up that night and you're trying to have a sexy night together, you should take a fart walk. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:57 I highly recommend a fart walk. You know, we do this. We take fart walk. You and your wife? I swear to God. I cut mine. Huh? Is that Susan Sarandon? No, it's not. I cut my farts. What do God. I cut mine. Huh?

Starting point is 01:09:06 Is that Susan Sarandon? No, it's not. I cut my farts. What do you mean you cut your farts? Oh, this is the butthole, right? Oh, you slowly let it slide. No, no. God damn it, man. Yes.

Starting point is 01:09:18 But let me finish. I don't know, I'm gonna use this. That's too big of a butthole. Let's just say this is the butthole. No, that looks right. All right, this is the butthole. Let's just say this is the butthole. No, that looks right. All right, this is the butthole, right? What I do is I cup it like this, but with my fingers here, I spread open the cheeks a little bit.

Starting point is 01:09:32 Oh. What's so funny? Carlos just likes it. Yeah, I spread open the cheeks so it doesn't make a sound. Right, so it's- So it goes, shh, in my cup, right? And then what I do is I cup it. And you can get 40% of the smell in your hand.

Starting point is 01:09:47 That's a number scientifically? Yeah, I've experimented. Where do you put it? What? And you go, hey, Charlie. Oh, you wave it out to the sky. Yeah, yeah. You wave it.

Starting point is 01:09:56 Hey, Frankie, whatever. Even if there was no one there. You just wave. Yeah. Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You don't cup your farts?

Starting point is 01:10:04 I do not. Okay. Grab them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You don't cup your farts? I do not. Okay. Grab them? Yeah, yeah, I grab them. It's a gasp. Yeah. I gotta say this. I think healthy couples should be able to fart

Starting point is 01:10:13 in front of each other. You and Kaleila farted on each other. Yeah. That was kind of part of your tradition. Mm-hmm. You've never farted in front of your wife? Of course I have. What are you talking about?

Starting point is 01:10:21 Oh, but you were mad at me. Yeah, when you farted on my wife. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was very mad. I didn't see a man get so mad. I was very upset. That was a line cross. Yeah. You get really defensive around her. When you fart on her, yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:36 No. You can't fart on someone's wife. That's insane. It's not even just that, pal. I don't even sneeze in front of fancy's wife. I don't even sneeze. Here's another thing he does dude. The coffee incident in Austin. What happened in the coffee?

Starting point is 01:10:52 Do you remember? You call me and go you want coffee? I walk downstairs, I had just woken up, right? And you and your wife are sitting there. And I walk up to your wife and I go As if, where's my coffee? And you go, and you go, hey, you go, hey man, back up, dude, sit there, dude. Fuck, don't talk to my wife like that.

Starting point is 01:11:11 That's right. Why? Because I did this? What the fuck is that? You don't walk up to someone and go, yes you do, when you want coffee. Yeah, at a coffee shop. No, we were in the hotel lobby. No, he was saying this to my wife in the hotel lobby.

Starting point is 01:11:24 Okay, you weren't in the coffee shop anymore, Bobby. That's right. No, we were in the hotel lobby. No, he was saying this to my wife in the hotel lobby. Okay, you weren't in the coffee shop anymore, Bobby. That's right. Imagine, imagine. If you said that to your wife, fancy, walked up to her like this, like she's a fucking, like she works for you. You don't ever do that. So yes, I made you go sit down and you went and sat down. I said, sit down.

Starting point is 01:11:39 Don't do that ever again. Sit down. You don't talk to me like that. Yes, I do and I did and I will. And you did. You went and sat down, didn't you? I don't know why. You did. I know, but I did. When you talk to me like that, I don't know why I do. You know what? I blushed a little bit. Because it was rude. And I get a little angry too. But your coffee was on the way. So just sit

Starting point is 01:11:56 down. Don't you demand it. By the way, I asked you, I said, can I get you something? Oh, that's right. That's what you did. That's right. Okay. And I want to say this and shout out to fucking, shout out to the way that you and I eat these days. We went to three forks. We ordered the menu. Oh my God. And I'm saying-

Starting point is 01:12:16 And those boys. You know, you flipped me. I remember when we first started touring, I said, Bob, you don't need to get all that, all those appetizers. I know you do it now too. You know why? Why?

Starting point is 01:12:24 Can I say it? You understand. Can I say it on here? Good, I love it. Because you touched a piece of my heart. And I'm gonna tell the fans. Bingo. I'm gonna tell the fans. Bobby came up to me one night. We were walking. And in all seriousness he said, hey you have your thing. You can go have a drink with someone and go hang out, but all I have is food. That's all I've got. Are you doing right now? He's not being back. No, he's not back. Please don't say he's back.

Starting point is 01:12:52 Is that Carmine? Oh, shit. Oh, no. That's exactly what we're talking about right now. So what? This is why I love you. So, yeah, so now what he did- No, you got serious with me.

Starting point is 01:13:07 At three quarts. And you're not letting me be serious. You're being serious. Oh, you're being serious? You were being serious. And you said, I'm an addict. This is all I have. You gotta let me have this.

Starting point is 01:13:16 And you were very serious. You got emotional. And I said, you know what? You're right. Why would I keep you from enjoying something like this? So next couple of times we went out, including in the perpetuity, we order anything you want or anything you want as much as you want. I even say to you, hello, you'll be done. You want to fucking thank you for being a bad friend. Thanks for being a bad friend? Very good.

Starting point is 01:14:04 Ooh, French Lavender Soy Blend Candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Well, I don't know. Mom's gonna love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deal so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense.

Bad Friends - Coco The Side Piece

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