Bad Friends - Dead Dad's w/ Harland Williams

Episode Date: September 1, 2025

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Who are these two idiots White dude I'm an Asian dude You two are disgusting Oh you two or something We're bad friends I'm gonna get Botox Don't please don't get Botox

I have to Why? Because I look old now It's catching up And time out I know exactly where this started Where Do you guys know where this started

I McCone was with me Yeah I know where it started That photo you posted I posted a photo on my story That angle never again dude brother it looks like you do i look like a shrinking frog you are it doesn't it was not good i thought the bags the liver spots i got to get botox

you don't have liver spots i do look it on the sides those are freckles dude oh they're gigantic freckles samoan freckles that's what i have on my face yeah samoa freckle yeah listen i'm that's what i'm going to look like yeah the oil oil london right yeah i mean i don't think people would notice if i got botox i think they would should i okay okay Do AI Bobby with Bobby Lee with Botox. Can we see that? But if I get Botogs, new rule, you can't make fun of me. You can't make fun of me, dude.

Old rule. Yes, I can. Okay. Old rule. No, of course, I won't make fun of you if, if you bought, first of all, you're not going to get Botox. I am. No, you're not. Where would you get it?

Korea. No, I'm saying where on your face? Oh my God, my eyes, like the puffiness of the sides here, the lips a little bit. Don't you just want to age gracefully? Don't you just want to age gracefully Because you're doing a great job Everybody thinks you're 40 No one knows you're about to turn

54 years old Nobody knows that Except for everybody that's listening to the show right now I know but you know what happens to Asians right What? The old rule What's the old rule? One night

One night Long ago Wrong ago I went to sleep What happened I woke up as Yoda Oh you think you're going to turn into Yoda one day

okay then if you get it we're all getting it that's it no here's the thing okay because richie needs it too look at his face yeah but he's those old 22 23 how old 24 just year 24 yeah right that's right we asked yeah but think about it and give it some good perspective yota was so wise everybody went to him for advice you but i don't know shit i don't know anything yes you do ask me something ask me uh how many floors is the empire state building i don't know well neither do i all right you're fine give me a capital or a city and a state, and I think I want to give you the state. Easy. Okay, go on.

A country or you want a city and a state and I'll tell you what the state is. Okay, what is the capital? No, not the capital. Just give me a city. Wait, what do you mean? Give you any city? Yeah, yeah. Albany, New Mexico.

Yeah. It's new. New York. Albany, New York. That was a tough one. Really? Yeah, yeah. Give me another one.

Give me another one. Springfield. Ohio. well there is there is one there is one there's one in every state okay well that's a trick one okay uh how about this uh sacramento california come on okay lubbock tex very good um uh zizzix zizzzzz london england england no that's here isex what's it it's it's it's a good one you've seen it's in the desert i saw it in the desert i saw it in the desert ones zizzix zizzix but that's a road not a city

I think it's a city. Yeah. It's a city. Zizik's formerly Soda Springs is an unincorporated town in San Bernardino County. By the way, I heard it was a developmental town for like a rehab clinic and it never took off. Fun Tang. That's got to be China. I made it up.

Fun Tang? Yeah, it can be anywhere. Sounds like a Chinese town. That was my nickname in high school. That was your nickname at high school, Fun Tang. All right. Well, I know something. Look, you know a lot of things.

All right. Give me a random thing that maybe you might not think that I know. How about How about like Give me the name Of the first album Released Oh my God

It's panic already You know music so well Yeah I don't know Give me the first album released By I'm trying to think I'm something easy What?

Talking heads Talking heads In 1977 Perfect See you know a lot of stuff I mean you have to lead me to it We'll get there How about

How about Metallica's first album Oh, that's good. I don't know. What is it? Kill them all, I think. Was that the first album? Kill them all?

Ron McGovney, 82 Garage demo. Kill them all. Full album. Yeah. Thank you. Got it. Thank you. The Lord.

You know a lot of stuff, dude. Did you know anything? Richie, did you know any of those? No, I didn't know anything. I know what you'll know. What was REM's first album? Look at your face. You know this.

Losing your religion. Yeah, yeah. That's the one. That's the one? Yeah, that's not the first album. That's not the first album. Richie, are you wearing a sweater? I am wearing a 24 outside.

But doesn't he look like a college rock band bassist? He looks like a guy who's tinkering away with microchips in a basement. And we don't know if he's on our team or against us yet. I think it looked like Mike Mills from the R.E.M. By the way, Ritchie looks like every guy from a band in the 90s. Yeah. Every band. Oh, yeah, you kind of do look like him, dude.

You're that type of white. Do you think I could rock those shades? No. No. No. No. No. You can't even rock the glasses you're wearing right now. I'm actually allergic to them.

To glasses? To these glasses. What do you mean? You're allergic to them? I just found out, so I'm allergic to metal now. So it's like, and these were my backup, so I broke my plastic pair. And then when I put these on, now, like, my ears, I'll buy. Can we cut to commercial right now or something?

Wait a minute. You're allergic to metal? I've never heard of that in my life. Yeah, so I just found out this myself. Contacts. Use contacts. I don't have any contacts. Oh, you can't afford them?

No, I just, I didn't like how I put them in my eye. It hurt. Oh. Oh. Okay. Okay, so. people metal allergies are a type of allergic contact dermatitis delayed hypersensitivity reaction wow so what happens what's going to happen to you with these on i don't know i just got a

bumpy ear and i got to figure that out oh buddy you're a hypochondri yeah the bump on your ear has nothing to do with the glasses on your face what's it from should you tell them or no i didn't remember listening it's from fun tang it was from yeah a little bit too much fun tang you're going to end up with bumps on your face but i like a little fun tang Careful, Richie. Richie. Okay, you're not... What's the last time you had fun tang, Richie?

Yeah, when's the last time you got some fun tang? I like the fun tang. No, no, once the last time you had fun tang, Richie? When was the last time you had some fun tang? Fun tang, like, two or so weeks ago. You did? What's the definition of fun tang, Richie? Fun tang, it's a food.

It's like noodles. Oh, okay. Well, it is a noodle for you. Yeah. Let me reword it. Can I reword? Yeah. What's the last time you got some action?

Action. Yeah. What's the last time you got late, Rich? Like probably this month, but like earlier in the month? Beginning of July, roughly. Oh, the beginning of July. One time? Yeah, just one time.

Yeah. We do our best. I have like... Who's we? Me and me. You and your plan. Him and his penis. Wait a minute.

So was this a one time? Do you do one night stands? Are you only... I do, but L.A. is weird. It's like, I don't like the one night stands. And I feel like people lean more towards that, but I'm more against it. I'm in the search of relationship, but people don't wander. We're going to find you love.

I'm going to find you love. Yeah, I do think you deserve a really good, a good relationship. Oh, thank you. You know who loves One Nightstands is Carlos is the king of One Night's Day. You can teach you a lot. Are you not? Yeah, unfortunately, yeah. Why is that unfortunate?

Do you want a relationship now? Yeah, it's just been years and years. Are you good kisser, Carlos? I think I'm good, yeah. I got to be honest with you. Yeah. Great kisser. Really?

He's a great kisser. Yeah, you guys. Oh, you and I, yeah, but we've not open mouth. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah, you guys have kissed. What I do is I don't go

Tongue first What I don't do Bonsai style I don't do Pearl Harbor Oh right I don't do sneak attacks You don't come cause No I make the noise

And then I Go back Oh you back I back off right I don't actually hit Pearl Harbor Right you pull up Pull up I pull up

I pull up I'm that coward Remember in Godzilla Minus 1 The guy who couldn't I'm that guy He just couldn't do it. No, he didn't do it.

He bailed. I would have been that guy, too. Me too. By the way, you're in a plane. You can't catch me. I'm gone. I know, but you still have... Where are you?

I know. But in Godzilla minus one, he had to land at an airfield. Yeah. And he's like, oh, my plane's broke. And he was like, your plane are not broke. It's a perfect condition.

It's a perfect condition. But I think I would go pretty close and then pull up. And you would just say it's a mechanical error. I couldn't do it. Check button. Right But then you're out over the ocean

No, then you swim to Hawaii and go I'm Hawaii Yeah, that's true Yeah, right Why can't they sit there's Hawaiian They kind of look Hawaiian Well, there's certainly a ton of There were Japanese people in Hawaii

Yeah, yeah So you'd fit in I guess that makes perfect sense You think there's a story of a guy That's a movie we need to write for Bobby The one Kamikaze Who didn't do it Yeah

And he ended up living in Hawaii Like becoming the king Of one of the small little islands And then What? What? What? Yeah, show no kings back then

It's a made up You become a king of a little tiny island And then someone An ex-military after years later 30 years down the road You. Me? Yeah.

I'm suspicious. I come to this little island. I marry a Hawaiian And I'm like, who is this guy? Me? Yeah, who are you? Gilbert. You're King Gilbert, huh?

King Gilbert of 9th. Generation, generation of Gilbert. Well, there's a rumor that you bailed as a kamikaze pilot. That's kind of being spread around. Look at my hair. carpal tunnel both hands Oh, you can't fly

I can fly Yeah, that makes perfect sense All right Well, God bless you, King Gilbert And then cut to an hour later I'm jerking off I'm freaking off And then you catch me

He can use his hands Yeah Dude, this is good And then you need my help And I need your help Yeah, like in Titanic For instance I think I would have gotten

off that boat pretty quickly You'd be so dead Well, I'd probably be bottom though You and I You're upper deck The Irish? No, dude, we were in the basement Bottom deck

I think the Irish were like, the Irish were held in the basement, right? Yeah. We were down low, down below. I would climb over people. You know what's so funny to think about that? Like when they say, like, there's no order and chaos. Like, I would have killed so many people to survive.

What were the Asians doing down there, though? What were their jobs, do you think? Probably scooping coal into the fire to, like, make the boat engine. Hey, Chan, we got a free trip. Where? Where, too? I don't know where we're going into Arctic, but you know what? All we have to do is put the cold in the, in the,

And all of a sudden, you're drowning. You're gone. They don't tell you the race. They just tell you it's common fault. Yeah, because they don't want to admit the truth. They want you to still go to the museum, that's why. That's what they still want you to watch the movie. Once you learn of the actual atrocities that took place, then it loses the lore.

It loses some of like the sparkliness. They're like, well, it was a bunch of minorities in the basement. They're like, don't worry about that. Don't worry about it or that. Wow. I want to go, isn't there like a huge Titanic museum somewhere? and you can go visit like a perfect replica of the boat. Yeah, it's in the ocean, though.

No, no, though. I've gone to the real one. You went down there. I went down there to, yeah. That sound still haunts me when those people went down. Richie, you're laughing? It's kind of funny. You are just like fancy.

He's sick like fancy. Yeah, where is that? Let's go to that. Branson, Missouri. Dude. Yeah. Yacophon. We'll be near Branson, Missouri.

We have to go there. I want to go to that and Noah's Arach. They rebuilt that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see Noah's. Yeah. You believe that? They got one of every animal.

I do believe it. I'm not a naysayer. Kentucky. Yeah. You got to cram it in there, though. I don't know. You know what's so funny, though, when you listen to this song, two alligators and long neck geese, some humpty back camels.

There's no way there's a song. Chimpanzees. There's a scene song? Tats some rats and elephants and birds galore. Oh, yeah. You don't know that song? Yeah. No, I'm not making it up.

Look, give me the lyrics. There was actual. Two alligators and long neck geese. Some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees. Some cats and rats and elephants and birds galore But you won't see no dinosaur That is the real song Type in some of those lyrics and you'll see

Do cats and rats and elephants and birds galore What dinosaurs really didn't exist You know what it was? What? The devil did it. You think so. See, he's buying into it. This is Korean church coming back in a play.

Here, AI will find out. Noah's Ark, the unicorn. Oh, you won't find no unicorn. Is that what it is? They were green at... Go up. There is. There are green alligators and long neckies.

Some Humptyback camels and some chimpanzees. Some cats and rats and elephants, and sure as you're born. The loveliest of all was the unicorn. See? Good. Old Noah was there to answer the call, finish making the ark just as the start of rainfall. But where are the wombats in the song? Yeah, where are those?

I want to know all the animals. Wombats. Where's all these animals in the Philippines? Red panda. Is a red panda in there? That's my dog. Yeah. Red panda for life.

You don't believe the dinosaurs existed, huh? No, I really do believe that. Of course I did. It was silly. No, but a piece of me thinks maybe they got us. Maybe. But why would the devil do it? Can't have good without evil.

But sadness is a real thing too. You're not sad, though. You've been happier than you've ever been. I've noticed. No, the last two weeks has been the worst two weeks of my life. Okay. Well, this is what Bobby does and it piss me up. Last night at the comedy store, I even said this in the recording today.

Yeah, but the kid absolutely smashed him. Yeah, but I was sad up there. Well, then be more sad because you're killing. I hope for your taping. You're sad because you crushed. I think I left immediately. You seem to notice that. 10 out of 10, though, you hit 10 home runs.

It was crazy. Every joke you spit out, I was like, man, that's a hit, that one's a hit, that one's a hit, that one's a hit. You didn't miss. Amen. And then we gave Dax Flame a joke. Dax read one of our jokes. Did you really do it? Yeah, he did it.

What was the joke again? He texted me and it did really well. I helped write that. Yeah, he said, the joke was, we're going back to this again. We were actually talking about this last night. Okay. It was California in 1948 outlawed the chair. Yeah.

And Bobby wrote the punchline, which was, that's really. crazy because I went to IKEA and Burbank and they had a ton of chairs. It crushed. It did? It killed. It absolutely killed. Yeah.

It was a great joke. Did he do the tag that I made up? He said that. And I sat on one and I didn't die. No, he didn't. Oh, damn. I think you forgot the tag. Oh.

But it was still good and it killed and then he gave you credit. Wow. Okay, good. He said Bob and Andrew? He said Bobby Lee wrote that joke for me. Oh. I didn't write the punchline. Yeah, but you came about the setup.

So what? Punchline is all the name. who do we have who do we have who do we have who who just show oh my god if it isn't you have a sunburst here if it isn't the corn bandit himself what's up ladies and gentlemen harlan william harlan william studio hello you don't have to clap dude well as i shouldn't have because now i've delayed putting these on get it on there you don't have to if you don't want to you can hear us just fine if you can oh this will be a good bit Hang on, fuck.

Got it. Stupid. It's so stupid. Where'd you get these things? It's so stupid. God damn it. Well, I didn't make the thing you did. Asholes?

Why? Why? Why are you acting some dumb, dumb, dude? Podcaster Rubik's Cube. Don't break it. Take her time. Take your time. McCone, help him.

Take her time. Would somebody please? Jesus Christ. Not easy, right guy? When a hippie can't do it. Exactly. Okay. It's my buddy.

You know that guy, right? Yeah. I love that guy. You do. Yeah, he's my buddy. He helped mentor me. Did he? Really?

He helped. year. What year? It was thanks to you, but we'll save it for later. We'll save it for later. Yeah. Yeah. Let me ask you something. Let him get settled. Is it? Good to go? I want to go. Get out of here. Yeah, get out here then. Just get out of here, dude.

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felt safer in my life in my home before because let me say something. I have two Filipinos and seven animals in my house. Two and seven, that's eight animals in total. Yeah, yeah. And, um, you know, before I had simply save, we were petrified at night. We could not sleep. So scared. And now we have cameras all over the place and AI help. There's AI technology involved. There's AI powered cameras that identify threats lurking outside your home and immediately alert simply says professional monitoring agents. These agents, they interviewed. We saw a little gray walk by the other day. A little Gray walks by and they intervene in real time before the break-in even begins. They access a two-way audio to confront the person, trigger sirens, spotlights, they scare him away, and the gray person

went far as far away. This is real security. It's real security, ladies gentlemen. We did give it to Bobby. We installed it at his house. It does work. Join the more than four million Americans who trust Simply Safe with their home security every single day, including Bobby Lee. And the two Filipinos and seven animals. That's right. And also we have six, there's a 60-day money-back guarantee. There is a 60-day money-back guarantee. No, long-term contracts. That's amazing. SimplySafe earns your business by keeping you safe and satisfied every single day. So visit simplysafe.com slash bad friends to claim 50% off a new system. That's simplysafe.com slash bad friends. Simplysafe.com slash bad friends. There's no safe like

those things. No, he's never, come back. Come back. Come back. All right, McCone, get up there and set it up for real for him. Yeah, Mike doesn't call it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. We should start calling him the hippie. Good job, hippie. you, dirty, hippie. Dirty, smelly hippie. He's smelly, boy. You know why he's smelly? He doesn't have an apartment.

He doesn't have anywhere to live. Well, they live in a back of a Volkswagen van with flowers on the side. He's stings, stings, dirty hippies. Coming from a guy that goes to Burning Man every year. Yeah. Not this year, though. Why not? Why?

I need a break. Daddy needs a break. What do you do at Burning Man? What do you, look, what's your day? What don't you do? It's everyone in the world should go. Really? Oh, yeah.

But you don't take any drugs or anything like that. Burning Man gives you that window of exception. Not that I've ever taken any. If I were to, that would be the exception. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, you don't do them, right? I don't do Burning Man.

Yeah, yeah. Have you ever done hardcore drugs? I've got to listen. Yeah, in my lifetime. Okay. Of course, of course. Yeah, yeah. What's your favorite?

I haven't, but if I did, I would do it there. Yeah. If I drive out there, do I need a van or a bus? You should rent a, uh, an RV. You're out there with an RV. Yeah. They don't accept money out there. No, there's, you can't buy anything.

Right. So it's, um, you're trading. Yeah, that's what they say, but it's, it's, it's not like, like a bartering system. It's just if you need something, like if you need a sandwich, you knock on a trailer, give me, you have a sandwich. You'll give you a sandwich. Wow. You give them in return.

Whatever they ask for. Yeah. Drink. Uh, what's another sandwich. You could do sandwich or sandwich. Like, I could not. knock on a door and say, hey, could I get a tuna salad sandwich? Yeah.

And they would say, sure, but I need an, I would like an egg salad sandwich and then you do like a sandwich trade, which you don't see a lot anymore. Nothing says a good sandwich in the desert. Yeah. Like tuna and eggs. Exactly. Nothing. In that heat, oh, it's grilled.

Perfect. Yeah. Are there ladies out there? Yeah. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful women. Really? Beautiful. Yeah.

All the Victoria's Secret models go out there. They like to dress up. Right. And there's dancings? There's dancing. There's, uh, it's mystical. It's magical. Is there any documentation of you at Burning Man dancing?

Yeah. I actually made a documentary called Burning Men, which I've never released. I actually shot me and Michael Rosenbaum went one year. I made a documentary of it. Burning Men. Burning men. I called it. Wow.

I should release it one day. It's all done, edited it, everything. But what's holding you back? I don't know I just I do a lot of that I'll make things and then never put them out in the world I think we all do that as artists

no we put it all out We put it out all of it Yeah we've never not put anything out Wow okay I've put a lot I haven't put out Well I think you should start putting more out Yeah Because you're so valuable everybody wants you Say again now

You're on the rise You're on the rise Like yeast Yeah And if you let it sit Exactly Get yourself some bread Do you feel that, though?

Do you feel like that you're on the rise? No. Oh, okay. Why are you winking? Don't, you're tricking him. I didn't wink. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did one of these.

Yeah. Have you ever brought Harlan Williams on stage? Yeah. Yeah, he's brought me on stage too. Yeah. We've done it both ways. Mm-hmm. We go both ways.

Mm-hmm. Do you know how athletic he is? It's unbelievable. I know. I've touched his legs before. They're so strong. He's unbelievable, this guy. You touched my legs?

Yeah, we've all touched your leg. Yeah, yeah. He asked if I brought you on stage. Your legs are so very strong. Yeah. You know that? I just literally came from the recordball court. About an hour ago I was playing racquetball.

Who do you play with? Just the guys on the list. But I thought you said that there's another comic that you play. Dane plays with me sometimes. Dane Cook. Who else is? Vinnie Vasseline. Yeah, Vinnie Fastline.

Wait, wait, wait. Let me ask you about Dane. Yeah. Is he aggressive? Yeah. He's got a temper. He's fired up, but that's what you want with sports. Have you played war zone with him?

No. It's insane. Is that? Get behind the wall! Yeah, like he takes charge, dude. Can you beat Dane at paddleball or racquetball? Easily. He's new.

I've been playing for like nine years. He's just starting. He's going to love this. That clip easily, easily. Oh, he knows. It's going to fuel his fire. Harlan, how come you haven't had one of your pool parties? You know, I love your pool parties.

I know. You got to come up for one. I still have to have one this summer. Yeah, this summer you haven't had one. I haven't. I haven't. I've been busy. Yeah.

What are you doing? Uh, I was, um, down in Florida fishing and scalloping and, uh, you know, just, uh, taking it easy. I've been taking a, uh, class at DeVry. What are you taking? Well, people always say that I, I have trouble communicating a lot. Uh-huh. And sometimes people say I always like make up stories and they have trouble like communicating and getting like a story out of me, this type of nonsense.

What does that have to do with DeVry? So I took a class, I took a night class in communication. I'm taking, uh, it's immersive. It's called, uh, Ouija therapy. Oh, whoa. Have you heard of Ouija? I know, Ouija, but that combo, I haven't, they combined the team. They combine it.

So what they do is they train you to, because your face is so expressive. So when I can't get the words out. out, they sort of assign areas of your expressive face, almost like the keypad on your computer or typewriter. Everything's a letter. Yeah. Wow. And since I have trouble, like, sometimes getting answers or stories out. Right. I've sort of been trained by them to assign letters to my face. Do W. Well, what you do is you ask me a question. Oh, okay. I do. I think I, because I can't get it out, but if I, if I practice my Ouija communication, it sort of helped. Yeah.

Let me ask you a question then. Okay. Um, what is your favorite nocturnal animal? Uh, the answers. You brought up. What is it? Dude, I'm trying to grow. He's in class.

Don't make fun of him, dude. He brought a Ouija thing. Because he's taking a DeVry. He told you. I thought he was improvising, but this is kind of real. Okay, I apologize. I thought it was a joke that you, I thought you were doing improv or whatever. So this is real. I didn't get

what you were saying there, but could I... Ask again. What is my what? Wombat? Your favorite night. What were you saying with the Wii? I have to ask again. All right.

All right. What is your favorite nocturnal animal? Jesus. Fuck off. Oh. That this is, that was it, not me. Oh, oh. It was this.

It's a spiritual thing. There are spirits involved. It's Ouija. Wow. It's Ouija. I didn't know. Yeah. You ask a question, Andrew.

I feel like I know the answer. You fuck off. Yeah. Can I see it? Yeah. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Let's toss it.

Good toss. Yeah, yeah. All right, asking me a question, Harlan. Okay, let me think of something deep and meaningful. What is the meaning of life? Well, that's too broad. Let me ask you a personal question. Sure.

What makes you sad? This. That. This makes me really sad. Yeah, this bit makes me sad. The bit makes me sad, too. That makes me sad, too. Well, maybe you shouldn't enroll at DeVry.

I'm not going to. Well, I'm glad you're enrolled at DeVire. I mean, that does seem like it's working very well. Yeah. Do you read? Yeah. It's a lot. Recommend me a book.

Have you been to his office? Yeah, I have. It's amazing. It's amazing. He's got books. He's got so much shit all over the place. Yeah. It's beautiful.

You have also the best view of the city. I mean, Frank Shue. It's Frank Shoo. I would say, man, I would recommend the fountain head by Anne Rand. I've heard of it I heard it's good You're reading a lot of An Rand lately

Have you read the fountain hat Oh dude Is it good? Oh yeah Because they did a movie No I don't know if they ever made a movie The Fountainhead

I think they attempted it But I don't think it was that great It's too big in scope Okay It's a very Very Gary Cooper Oh Gary Cooper

Oh Gary Cooper Oh okay yeah So the fountainhead The book is Ann Rand Yeah Read it I'm gonna read it

I feel like you're being real I feel like you're being real right now. I am. Yeah, I am going to read that tonight. Well, it's really big, so you won't read it in a night. No, but I'm going to start tonight. I'm going to audiobook it. Is that okay? That's up to you, but it's one of those books that draws you in, and it's

one of those savory books where it becomes part of your life for the time that you're reading it. Oh, wow. And also Stephen King's the stand is like that, because it's a big thicky. Yeah. Kujo is like that with me, too. Coojo. Yeah, you love a good. Scary dogs. You love saving. I love it.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, but I even ran the fountainhead. What are you reading? The Insightful Man. By who? I don't remember the guy's name. Look up the name.

What's his name? The Insightful Man book. Yeah. Inside of a Man. The Insight of a Man by Leon Mopipi. And at first, it got me. The Mopi got me. I was laughing when I bought it.

I bought it because of the Mopi. Yeah. I'm not going to lie. I bought it because I saw Mopi and I thought it was funny. Yeah. It's actually giving me a lot of. of knowledge and insight. Yeah.

It actually is. Well, I'd invite you to read my latest book. What is it? It's called Uncle Milton. Whoa. Yeah. And? And what is it?

Is it a... It's a collection of short stories. Are you being real? Yeah. Wow. Uncle Milton by... Harlan Wilmington. Wow.

Yeah. It's short stories. Three short stories. That you wrote. Yeah. Wow. Let's see the reviews. Yeah.

Click on the... There's a review. It just came out so I don't... No. Harlem Williams is good at anything he decides to do. His short story collections are no exception. In the realm of suspension, supernatural, the stories are unique, good read. I've read a lot of Stephen King's short stories, and this gives me similar feels.

In this collection, there are three separate stories touching on different aspects of relationships. Three is a magic number. The heart and the mind and the body. Harlan focused on each of these in turn. Overall, very good, hoping to read more books from Harlem in the future. Wow. I didn't even know those were there. Incredible.

Thank you. I got Hear Yourself by Prem Rawat. Oh. Oh, Maharashi, the Maharashi. Oh, wow. Yeah. Do you know why? Why?

Because I'm going crazy. I need to dilute the mind, calm the mind down. What's going on, my guy? Nothing. I don't know what it is, but I'm trying to, a lot of anxiety. So I'm trying to calm, meditating at night, being mindful about my breath, doing breath work. What's causing the anxiety? I don't know.

I don't know the root of it. You must have an inkling. this special we've talked about this yeah there's a lot of pressure on the special he's about to shoot a special yeah when in January was going to be December anxiety thrust it into the new year maybe February yeah that's not the anxiety but I don't think you need the anxiety because you're a confident funny human being

wow are you my Messiah oh I'm not my Messiah I'm happy to my spiritual teacher happy to help you you know what I would follow you if you had a philosophy What is your philosophy of life? Chocolate. It is good. Dark? Yeah, I would follow chocolate.

Swiss. I like Swiss chocolate. All right, me and you, we climb the temple. We get to the temple, right? Yeah, I'm there. We see him. He's in a robe. We sit, you know, cross-legged.

Yeah. Right? We light some candles. We do a little bong. Right? Yeah. Our master's about to speak. What do you say?

Mm, chocolate. Chocolate. And then we go chocolate Master I have a question Yes stupid Sorry Because I'm so superior

I know master I didn't mean that But master I'm going through a divorce And my wife cheated on me What do I do? Humphrey Bogart said once That women are like street cars One goes

and another one is coming right along Oh Very good Master Master Master Yes My children have died In a horrible fire accident A smelting accident

I owned a smelting factory And my child died I worked there I saw them die He may have been the person That killed my child We don't know ma'amette We don't know yet master

What do I do now? Uh Make some new kids Ah And uh Forget the oldies. Yeah.

And chocolate, probably. And chocolate. Yeah. And I got a hole in the desert. You can put the dead kids, too. Oh, master. Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you, Master. I would love to help you, my guy. I don't like it when you're like, you know, when my guy is feeling anxiety. Are you talking to me as master or me, Harlan, DeBahn. As Harlan slash. Master. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Master.

You want to help me now? Yeah. Okay. You're a, you're a funny, funny, beloved guy. Don't,

don't feel anxiety. Yeah. I told him. I know. Yeah. People tell me. Yeah. Yeah.

I just, I just feel the anxiety. I don't know what it is. What's your fix? I have, you know what I have, master? Yes.

Imposter syndrome. What's that? I don't feel like, you know, people go, oh, you're doing well or this and that. And I always go,

you know what I mean? I always downplay it. Okay. You know, I like, you know, I like just going to a Starbucks and getting my horchata, my horchata beverage. You know what I mean? And just being normal, you know what I mean? But then people go, oh, can we get a photo and this and that? And I just have a conflict about it.

What do, what do I do, master? I would say ride the anxiety, like, like a snake, like a dragon, like ride it. Like, ride it. You know this. Sometimes when you perform, your mood can feed your performance. Sometimes you feel down Sometimes you feel up Sometimes you feel anxiety ridden But whatever it is

Just take it on to the stage Yeah And let it be part of the journey Oh so I know it'll pass It might not pass it You might No, just say it's gonna pass I think it's gonna pass

Use it as fuel On the night of the special Yeah yeah yeah I will Yeah Oh let me say something about this About myself I know this

Yeah When I get a ball I hit it You do Yeah, yeah. So I will hit the ball. You will hit the ball. I think the anxiety is just giving you, you know, without the anxiety, your experience might be mundane.

And so the anxiety is giving you a little bit. It's life saying, hey, feel the energy, feel the electricity. Yeah. That's the anxiety versus you've been doing this a long time. You know the terrain. I know the terrain. And so think of the anxiety as a little electrical charge, a little air under your feet. it's going to make it more interesting and provocative and and infused with life guy you're

the master is spoken yeah i love it now go suck a chocolate bar that's our Messiah that's my Messiah that's a little you are a little chocolate boy you love snack I love it whenever I go to his house he has snacks oh I sleep with a with a can of Pringles like in my arm oh like I snuggle it yeah is it a big one that's a big can no it's just a regular can but I can't you how do you close your arm but it's a sour cream and onion and I just oh is that your favorite chip I love it yeah I just snuggle with it at night I used to have a teddy bear teddy ruckspin you know the ones that talk oh yeah oh yeah had one I got possessed and spoken tongues and I had to flush it in the toilet literally in the middle of the night I'm stuffing its head in the toilet flush flush what was it

saying oh yeah yeah yeah devil talk yeah I know yeah yeah you know that You know, don't, don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. You're going to summon it if you do that. You know, one time, this is a true story. I had this roommate. His name was Aaron, red-headed kid. Yeah. Christian. Why are you looking at me? I don't know. My eyes just drifted. Yeah. Factor. We're busy boys. We're busy little bodies. And if you want really delicious food and you want a meal kit, factors the number one in the world.

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to get the toys that Bobby Lee uses. And he has come to my church and I sat down and I guess it wasn't a big church and the sermon when the preacher eyed me and then everyone started speaking in tongues and they all touched my head and as they touched my eye stood up and I literally walked out of the church. Wow. Yeah, I was so scary. Wow. Yeah. Do you think it's real speaking in tongues when they're in church? Oh, you think it's real. There's videos of people speaking in tongues they connect to the higher power. What are you talking about? No, they do. Yeah, yeah. God speaks through you. Yeah. The best time to do it, the best time to do it is when you're performing conalingas. Really? Because it's like, you know, girls love it. They love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like foreplay, Satan's foreplay. Yeah. See, they were speaking in tongues here. They can show you this. Okay. Is he a cracker? These guys are just All right, it is real. I think those guys are just Latvian. I don't think that... Yeah, yeah, that's what I felt like. I'm pretty sure that was just another language. Yeah, I think you're right.

How many languages do you speak? You speak a few, don't you? I speak a little French and a little German. Das is good, yeah? Das is good. And that's it. That's a little? I did speak a little when I lived there,

but I speak a little French because I'm French-Canadian, but that's it. Say, Bobby, it's so good to see you today and I can't wait to go out to eat with you later. Bobby Sey Bon, Mojle, Papillon, with Montreal Fireworks Festival. Wow. Wow, that's really good.

Yeah. It was good. Lankanto and paler and los pantolones, La Scuola, El Sol, and La Sienega. I'll wear my pants to school on La Sienaiga. Something like that, yeah. That's actually pretty good. I said school.

I said school in their day. to it, right? Yeah, squarela. How come you guys aren't fighting? Usually when I watch this show, you're like just going at each other. We were fighting a little bit. No, we were good before. We haven't fought today. We didn't fight. I know, but why? You want us to fight? I was sort of looking forward to a good fight.

Yeah, yeah. A brew ha ha. All right. Well, give us a topic and we'll fight over. We'll fight about anything. Oh, it's your show. You should have the topic. What? You should have the topic. We were just going to brew a fight. Yeah. I don't know. Usually you're yelling at each other. Well, okay. He said that he liked

your shirt. I hate that shirt. Wait a minute. I was lying. This shirt has a lot of... I hate that shirt. It's awful. It's bullshit. Yeah, it's a bullshit shirt. This shirt has a lot of meaning. What do you be? What do you become? You like them? This shirt has a lot of sentimental meaning before you rip into it. Oh, really? What is it? Let me guess. Your uncle, your uncle Harvey was on a golden temple mountain with a panda and they pooped out an egg. It broke up and there's a shirt. Because you tell stories like that all the time and they're not real.

dude my father died today nine years ago wow and he died when we were watching the movie the whole family or at his house we were watching children of the corn this is a corn shirt yeah i'm sorry i didn't know so children of the corn is full of jump scares i don't know if you've seen that malachi was a scary Malachi. Oh, yeah. The niblet children are popping out of the rows, like just crazy. So we're at my old man's house. This guy, you said I like sports.

The old man liked fish. He loved fishing. He died today or nine years ago? Nine years ago today. Every year we put on the corn shirt, and he had a nine foot marlin hanging over the wall behind the couch, right here. We're all sitting on the couch. He's got a knife.

He loves this. He has fish tanks all over. He had a fish tank. full of piranias. You ever heard of these things from the Amazon? Yeah, piranas. They eat flesh. They're like piranhas. Or piranias. He has piranha. He has piranha. However you want to Swiss it up. Why would you lie? I don't know. Well, there's two pronunciations. Okay. The botanists call it, or students of ecthology, call it piranha. Right. But the lay person, like yourself, calls it piranha. Lay. So the old man's got a piranha tank over here. He's

got a nine-foot marlin up on the wall with the snout. Here we are huddled in the den. We got pottery barn candles on the table. We're all huddled together, nine of us, and we're watching Children of the Corn like we do every year. It was his favorite horror movie. This thing's packed full of jump scares. Big time.

Yeah. We're sitting there. Malachi pops out with some of the niblet children out of the corn. We all jump. The old man goes back, hits the wall. The marlin cuts loose from its, it's hanging on the wall. This thing comes down. The snout of the marlin goes into the old man's spine.

The old man flails across the room, right? He hits the wall. He hits the light switch. The fucking ceiling fan starts going on. No. Now this thing's got a wire on the back of the marlin. Right. Now the wires up in the ceiling fan.

But when the old man went back, He put his hand into the piranha tank. These things took off two of his fingers. Here goes the ceiling fan. It starts constricting around his neck. He's got a marlin in his spine. He goes to turn off the ceiling fan switch. He ain't got the fingers that you flick the switch with.

Oh, my God. This is my old man. It's like a final destination down. Sorry, man. So I like the shirt. It's just, it's a memory. So before you rip into it, this is like in memorandum of my old man. And let me tell you something.

I do like the shirt, okay, because it's, you would never wear it. Never. It's fucking hideous. Yeah. It's a hideous piece of shit shirt. It's insane. It's, I don't even know where to buy a shirt. Where did you buy that shirt?

Yeah. Look, up a forest lawn. They've got. At the cemetery? The cemetery? Wow. You know, everything's, a theme.

Yeah. You can't even find that kind of corn shirt online. Look at it. You can't. Yes, you can. That's it right there. Corn Cobb background shirt.

No, that's not it. That's not without it. That's a one of one. Yeah. I think, well, I mean, it's not about the shirt. It's about my father. You're right. Oh, that's right.

You're right. Let's go back to that. Good Lord. Yeah. He passed away, guys. Okay. Malachi, if I can reiterate. Please.

Malachi popped out through the rose of corn. That's a shirt. the niblet children. Yeah. And the niblet children were, well, I feel like you're making fun of my dad. No, we're not. I just see, we see where you got it for your father. Okay.

It's for any occasion, street leisure, the party, or golf cage. For the commemorate his death. Look, I think when your dad, I mean, Bobby, your dad died pretty tragically. Yeah. Oh, no. How? Tell him how your dad died. Because you're wearing the shirt as well.

Yeah, yeah. My dad died in a hospice. Oh, no. Yeah. And he was like, oh, like that for a week. And he loved Metallica. He loved Metallica. That's why he's wearing the shirt.

He loves it. A hospice? What is a hospice? Puppets. What is a hospice? Oh, it's where people go to but to die, Harland. I'm sure your fingerless dad died in one as well. No, he died on the ceiling.

He died instantly? He died right. He choked out. Wow. Who took him down? Oh, I don't want to talk about that. But the cleaning lady. Oh, she didn't, the next day?

Yeah, we had to go out and eat, but she came in the next day. Yeah, cleaned it up. I know socks, Harlan. That's a little weird. Oh, I didn't know you were looking at down there. Yeah. That's one of my pet peeves when people don't wear socks. How about you?

You know, do you have stinky feet? No. Let me smell your shoe. Well, no. Take one off. Take one off. Prove it. Because otherwise I'm going to find out if you guys.

stinky feet or not. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can't do it. I'll vomit. I can't do it. Yeah. Is it bad? Yeah. It got me. What's it smell like? My eyes are fucking watering. Yeah. What's it smell like? Yeah. It's bad. It's pretty bad. Tell me. Let me see. Big one. Oh, my God. Big whiff. I hate it. I already did it. Do a big whiff. Do a big whiff. I get it out of it. You're fucking no kidding. Pussy. There's no way. What's it smell like. Corn, chocolate All of it Your dead dad, everything

Yeah, it's bad Yeah, yeah Wear socks, Carland Jesus, God Do you ever wear no socks? You got to do a shooey now Pour your drink into your shoe and drink it That's what Australians do

It is? That's what they do They don't do that Yes, they do, shoeies You'd never heard of a shooey? Shoes. Bring up a shoeie in Australia That's literally what they do So what do you do?

You pour drinking it and you chug it to something Don't do it, Harlan, Harlan, don't do it. Why not? It's gross. Well, no, it's a celebration. All right. What do I do?

You put, look, you pour it in and you chug it. A real, man. Oh, my God. Yes. Oh, my God. Oh, geez love you, mate. We love. Oh, no.

No, I would have, I think I got a tangnail. Oh. I got a toenail. Oh, wow. Wow. Harland, are you in love right now? Yeah, he is. Because you seem like you're in love.

I do. Yeah, you kind of are bouncing. I know that you are. Really? What do you mean? He is. I know that you are. I know you personally.

I know that you are. I love with what, though? A female. A human. Define. Uh, a woman with appropriate genitals. What's in abroad? I don't know.

You're in love with a person. Yeah, you're a human being. because you've mentioned it a couple of times you don't probably notice it because you never go well I have a girlfriend but you've said like yeah the girl that I'm seeing

and we're doing this and that and it's fun I can see a joy off of your You do? Well thank you yeah I do have a joy I don't talk about my personal life like you do

I don't we're opposites there are things about me that no one knows you oh you're an open book you're an open like collection of dictionaries or encyclopedias.

Like, what don't we know about you? Okay. No, there are some things that he... Yeah, there are things I hide. Okay. There are personal things like my recovery or like, you know... Well, you just let it out. No, but like personal things I do with my...

Okay. But there's just some things that I do hide from... Like what else? I'm not going to say it. No, it's a trick now. I understand your tricks. Well, I just drank out of a shoe. You did.

He's good at tricks. Yeah, but there are things about you that you do hide a lot. I don't hide. It's not like I'm hiding. them, it's just I choose not to divulge everything about me. It keeps you close. But what does it hurt if we ask you?

You can ask, oh God, you are seeing somebody and that we don't want to know specifics, but we see a joy radiating for your body. I love that you feel that and sense that. That's all I'm saying. I love that. He wants more. No, I love you.

You gave me a ride home that night. We talked deep. When you're in his car I gotta tell you about this guy's car Oh you think your old car was a mess Yeah This guy Yeah with the same time

It's unbelievable What was in my car? Everything I don't know what wasn't in your car Wow guy It was insane Yeah There was there was Like a half built crib

Like a baby crib Wow Doesn't have a baby Yeah There was a You remember pegs on BMX bikes Sure Had had four or five

sets of pegs in the backseat. This is all real. This is all real. Hyper, like needles? What? Hypo-dermic needles? I don't know. Did you have any of those?

I don't know what you saw. I might have some. It's just what you saw. He had, I'm not kidding. He had a paint bucket, like a fucking, what are those? Like a few gallon bucket of Elmer's glue. Yeah. Well, I have that.

Oh, you do have one of them. No, I have hundreds of bottles of Elmer's glue. Do you know why he has glue? Uh, well, I know he doesn't like horses. and glue is primarily made up of ground up horse hoofs. That's true. Yeah.

And so... I don't like the hooves. I like the horses. Oh. Yeah. You don't like horses hoo. Yeah. Okay.

So that's why he has all the glue. Get rid of the hooves. No, but why would I have Elmer's glue at home? Um... The way that they seize Diddy's house and got all that baby oil, they'll seize your house and have... What was he doing with all that guy? Hundreds of bottles.

And who's... Who's Elmer, by the way? I don't know, but I do want to meet him. I mean, it sounds like a short story you would write. Yeah. Tell us who Elmer is. That's a good idea. Who is Elmer behind Elmer's glue?

Who is that guy? Because he's got to be someone significant. We've all used his glue. Elmer was a no... Elmer's glue is Elmer the Bull, a character who is a husband of Elsie the cow. Oh, see, hoofs. That's almost a slap in the face to our hoofed friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would you make your logo of the thing you're killing? to make the product. Yeah, wow. Is it, ketchup always has a tomato on it. Okay, well, yeah. That's good point. Good point.

Good point. Thank you. Great point. Like, one of the best. What I do with Elmer's glue is I dry them onto my hand and I peel them. Oh, so it looks like you have that aging disease? No, but I do, no, I do like 40 layers with a blow dryer. Oh, wow.

And then I put a complete glove. Oh, that's so cool. You know that, right? And that stuff. That's so cool. Cool. I stuff cotton in them and they draw on them. Oh, that is so cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like an art thing. I get it. I can relate. What I do is I sit in the bath for about two hours. Yeah. I get my fingers prune wrinkled. And then when I get out of the tub, I touch myself with the wrinkled fingers

and pretend I'm getting molested by an 87-year-old priest. Oh, so I can't have my thing? I just, yeah. Yeah. That's good. Whoa, dude. Do you love the movie Spotlight? What is it?

Okay. Do you ever see it? Yeah, it's a great movie. Yeah, it's a great movie. What's it about? It's about some of the, some of the... The Boston Globe. Oh, right, right with Michael Keaton.

Yes. Whoa. It's a good movie. Spotlight. What is the quote that people yell at you the most in public? The quote. Yeah, like something that you said in movies and stuff. What is something?

Oh, I thought you meant in real life. Or on the pod. Yeah, no, no. in real life do people ever say a line to you in public uh well in real life they say hey no chin i get that a lot because i have no chin yeah you do not really turn to this oh yeah look at that yeah yeah like i get hey no chin a lot hmm um the good news is when because it's connected like that it's you know you don't ever it's always protected yeah yeah you're not gonna get knocked out easy yeah it says i'm like almost an instant shadow like punch yeah yeah dude you are

In fact, could I ask you, I don't want to be critical. No, please. I can take any there. You could be as critical. I can take. I have one thing my father's death taught me is life goes by fast and anything can bounce off you. So you're going to be mega critical. All right.

Well, I'd actually. Your face looks like a gigantic canvas, but I only drew a little face on the bottom half of the camera. Oh, so like one of those cartoon guys like a caricature? Yeah. So my face is big and my body's. small or my it's just a longer but it's i like it dimensional my face is long yeah well about mine well let's stick with this no i want to i want to get to the bottom of your hatred there's no hatred i thought you said you hated my face did i say hate did i say hey now you know observation i said

what is it again say it what do you think i said okay long face yeah and it's like you know i mean this half of the face is where all the this thing it's like antarctica like if you looked at the Earth, like Earth, a big world, and Tyler got nothing going on. Okay. Yeah, yeah. He's saying, you know how you look at it? Keep going. Oh.

Like when you look at a map. Yeah. Yeah. Of like, of like cities. And way down below, there's all the city like that. Hold on. And everything else is blown. Hold on.

Sorry. Got it. Fuck off. Yeah, yeah. I was kidding, dude. I know. I don't know, you know. No, I got no problem with your face.

No. But I don't mind criticism. I like it. It's the only way I can grow. Criticize me? Like physically or? Or just even in terms of my attitude. Sometimes you're a little bit elusive and distant.

That's being a ninja. I know, but it's like. I have ninjitsu behaviors. Okay. If that's the answer, I accept that. As a friend. Yeah. I think you're deflecting if I'm being honest.

But. Oh, so you're. want to play the ninja game. I know what you're saying. This is what you're saying. Talk to me, Guy. Guy, I'm here and I'm listening. Well, I said talk to me. Don't listen. Talk to it. All right. Right now, are you getting a little aggressive? I sure am. You too, but guy. Okay. All right. So what I want to say, I know what it is, what you're saying. Talk to me. I did your podcast. And then, you know, and then like six months later, you want me to do it again. And I don't return your phone call. Is that what it is? No. Oh, fuck. I just think sometimes when

Buddy Hey bud Buddy Yeah tries to get close to buddy Buddy doesn't always Let Buddy all the way in Yeah

And maybe buddy's a little guilty of it too What do I do? I know right Sometimes I feel like There's little barriers with you too Between us or No with me Like buddy tries to get in

And you guys will open the door so far But then buddy You kind of put a foot in the door And buddy can't get all the way in and be buddy buddy i'm sorry buddy can i say this every time i see you on the lineup what do i do you're sitting there in the booth in the back i always walk up beside you and i always say hello but a hello is fleeting i always try to engage i try to get a conversation going with buddy and buddy sort of flirts with it entertains it but never fully engages with buddy so buddy ends up feeling alone and sad

when he walks away and turns his back on Buddy. I see. Well, maybe if Buddy didn't wear corn shirts, we'd have a better conversation. My father was killed. Yeah. Yeah. I'm Marlon. Oh, so can I just say something, buddy?

Yes, bud. If you call me, be, I'm so emotional, I can't even speak. Do it. So let me calm down. I think we're getting somewhere. Oh, stay, stay am. Stay am. This is where the real stuff comes down.

When you see me in public, right, why don't you call me? me by my name. You don't. You call me Sarah Silverman. Yeah. It's a term of endearment. Do I call him Sarah Silverman? No. What do you call him? That's special for you. What do you call him? He calls me earthquake. The big black comedian. He calls me earthquake. That's what I'm saying. Well, yeah, that's why buddy, we can't get in with you, buddy. But why let a title get in the way of our intimacy? Because when you scream it across a room, hey, there's Sarah Silverman. The whole room turns around and it's me it's a little awkward well can't you get around it and engage with me and be intimate and have a real conversation for once in your life well how can i have a real

conversation with you what you don't call me by my name well get over yourself sarah and then i call you johnny meatloaf fine i love it okay slap me with the gravy okay i'm in all right It's just a title, but beyond the title. And again, you're deflecting all over the place. He can see it. I'm not looking at him. You're not looking at me? No, I am.

When does the real buddy conversation happen between us three? We try. You want to sit around all day and eat styrofoam peanuts? Great. I can party. You know what I would do? But when does the talk happen? Let's go to Joshua Tree.

Okay. Airbnb, Airbnb a house. Get a fire going. I love. I love Schmores. Oh, Schmores. You know what I love Schmores. Shmores.

The Jewish smores. Have you ever had schmores? Yeah, yeah. Shmores are unbelievable. They're unbelievable. You know what a smore is? I sure do. Yeah. I'll get the marshmallow.

Yeah, I'll get the marshmallow. And I'll get thick of filth fish and we'll have ourselves. Isn't it interesting? Isn't it interesting that you want to drive three hours into the desert to open up to your buddy? And I want to open up right here and now while we're right in proximity. I want to live in the moment and you want to create some. fantasy getaway in the desert where maybe we can talk, but you know when there's a crackling fire, it's hypnotic, and you can't talk to anyone because you're hypnotized by the crackling

flames, and this is all part of your deflection so that you don't have to look buddy in the eyes and talk and get to know the real me, and I get to know the real Sarah that get to know you. Yeah. Okay. All right. Let's get real. Here we go. Finally. I love you Okay, how There's a lot of layers of love Yeah But as a comedian

You're one of the ones That I feel safe with and trust I feel like you're an ally I love that Yeah, I've always had a fun, playful relationship with you Like we're two kids in a school yard Jumping with glee

Don't you feel that? I do There's a childlike banter that you and I both have but in that school yard and thank you for opening up the janitor built a wall right and I need you to get over that wall

and come to me okay I'll break through the wall maybe your friend little red over here too yeah I'm the janitor I'm building the wall someone's got to clean up this mess and no no no since I was on the hot seat you talk to Harlan about how you feel Harlan, I don't get you.

Come, but don't make a joke. All right. Get real. It's a comedy show. And get real for a second. He made it real. Thank you. All right.

You're welcome, buddy. Harlan, you're one of the most elusive comedians I've ever known. Talk to me. Is that hurtful? No. Is that hurtful to you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is.

Can't pin you down. Don't know you. I just don't know you the real you. I've tried. Tell me how you've tried and let me help you get there. You hide. How? Well, can I?

I want to help you get there, guy. Can I intervene real quick? Yeah, please. Like the story about your dad. Yeah. I don't think that's real. I don't think that's real. Would I show up in a corn shirt?

That's what I'm saying. If it wasn't real, that's what I was that. We're worried about it. Can I say another thing? Please. Is you needed a pod a couple years ago with my brother, Steve-o? Stevie Weeby. Stevie Weeep.

Yeah. That's my little brother. Steve. Right. Your little brother. Right. And you had a little cap in your jacket. Sure.

Right. From my dad, a memento. Yeah. And the cap was what? A mushroom cap. A mushroom cap from a man's penis? Well, my dad was in the circumcision game. That's what I'm saying.

Was that his profession? I don't know. Don's circumcisions down on Melrose, 782. Right over the door. It says, we love it when you leave a tip. And it was right over the door. I know. I remember.

Yeah, I guess I have had some procedures Urban outfit Yeah, yeah, I've been there Been there, yeah So that's your dad, Don. Don. Don.

Yeah. And he tragically died the way you described him dying. Yeah. Watching children of the corn nine years ago today. What's wrong? Why?

Okay. All right. You are being real. Yeah, you are. Sometimes you have to, because it seems fantastical. Yeah, it seems fantasy.

Yeah, and it seems like it's not grounded in reality. Hey, guy. has their journey. Sorry if I'm not in your playbook. Sorry if I don't, uh, I'm not a cookie cutter. I'm just living my life. Sorry my dad got a sailfish through his spine. Uh, yeah, sue me. Okay. We all got our stories. Don't sue them. Okay. We'd like you to be unsuit. Yeah. He would. I don't want you to get sued. Well, no, no, no. Harlan, talk to Andrew about how you can be a

better friend. How can I be a better friend to the and man? Like, I want to get, you. I want to get in. I want to be, I want to let you in. How do I do it, my guy? I just don't think you can keep wearing those corn shirts. Yeah, me either. And any foods. It's only one day a year. Yeah. No more food. I've seen you with, uh, barbecue with actual barbecue on your shirts. Well, that was real, but like stains. Yes. Yeah. Wash it. Okay. Yeah. Um, but outside of that, I think the only way to really get to know you is to spend time with. you without clothes, without restriction in a spa talking naked. You said strip away the fire, strip away all the distraction. I agree. I think we should go to the Korean spa. We should go to the

we spa. The we spa with you. Get naked. Sit around like real men and just go. Like real men. Would you want to see this naked? Yeah, but yes. I mean, it's not it's not a challenge. What I have under this fabric do you want to see it? Seeing is not the right word. Witness. is the word. Witnessing. I'd like to witness it. You would. Yeah.

What is it about what's under this fabric that is provocative for you? This is just a shroud, whatever you've got on. Yeah. This, this, the clothes are as, uh, as, as false. It's a shield. Yeah, it's a shield. What, what part of my, I guess, so I prep for this.

You're penis. That's the part of my anatomy. I've never seen it. Okay. Okay. Have you visualized it in your head? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Would you like to describe it to your audience? Yeah, corn dog, but a Korean one. So there's like stuff on top of the breading. Oh, and they dip it in stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's got like corn nuts and like, you know. Little snacks. Little bacon bits, you know?

I don't feel like it's a salt. I feel like there's other flavors involved. Well, let me say this. Go ahead. We're going to go to the spot of connect. And I think that will bond us together. We'll get rid of all this other. They have shorts there that you can wear if you're like European about it.

I'll go. I'll go pink. When I'm nude, I look like a shrimp, by the way, a cock. a cocktail shrimp. That'd be too. And if I curl my body sort of like this. Yeah, gargoy. I look like a cocktail shrimp.

Like, you know they hang them on the glass? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm pink like that. Yeah, that's fine. I'm me like that. Me too. Yeah.

So what, just so I can put this into context, the three of us sitting naked in a spa. Getting to know each other. Is it a steam room? Like, can we... Rise on a steam room the whole bit. So is it like I'm watching almost, like a ship emerging through the fog your pasty white bodies or is it a clean steam room where

the air is clean and I can have a crystal clear vision there is steam there is steam yeah so it's ghostly sometimes you can't even watch me walk in I'm just there wow yeah like a ghost just like yeah I know that swirling this almost like John Carpenter's the fog yeah exactly yeah you wait in there long enough yeah and the karate ghost appears wow I mean in, guys. Let's recap. Okay. We learned a lot about you. Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, I thought you were recapping. No, I was sick. My dad used to do a lot of recapping down at Don's circumstance on Elro. Yeah. Oh, you can reattach. Yeah. Oh, he did that procedure as well. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, every now and then there was a slip up. Right. But, uh, too. I want a thicker cap. Can I get mine replaced? Uh, how thick are we talking?

Shaquille O'Neal. Whoa. Yeah, big. Really big. Black. Like a hubcap almost. Yeah, I went a hubcap. Yeah.

Wow. Harlan, we hope we get closer. Yeah. Yeah, I think I like that. I don't know that it's going to happen. I feel farther away, actually, kind of be honest. Yeah. Yeah.

Don't you feel farther away? Maybe the mystery. Yeah. Maybe the distance makes us more interesting to people now than we ever. Maybe this was an exercise in distancing ourselves from each other. Good. Good, good, good, good. And your crowd now sort of sees us as a Nancy Drew Hardy Boys' mystery type of setup where maybe we don't want to give the ending away.

Wow. Let's not do it. Let's not do it. I'm in. I'm in too, bud. You in? I'm in. Nancy Drew, the mystery of the swirling steam room.

Yeah. Are you good at puzzles? Yeah. Hit me. you want a riddle sure can I give him a riddle yes

the grandfather his son and his son's son they go fishing you caught up yet yeah okay on the way home from fishing they get a car accident the grandfather's son

and his son's son die no no that's not what I'm let's not what I said let me step for the top let me stop for the dump let me stop for the dump you just riddled yourself you know that grandfather his son is well that's why the phrase is riddle me this yeah yeah yeah grandfather his son his son they go fishing right on the way back the grandfather grandfather and his son died the grandson lives he's in the operating table at the hospital and the surgeon walks in and says i can't operate in this boy he's my son what happened

it's his mother very good you're good good at puzzles the surgeon was his mother yes yeah that was way too easy do you have a riddle for him no that was that was really easy yeah yeah yeah I don't know if I know any of oh yeah I got one I know where you got that riddle by the way what you're gonna love this guy

okay that riddle came from an episode of all in the family where Archie and Meathead and little girl and Edith toiled over that one because back in the 70s it was always presumed that a surgeon would be a male so back in the 70s that was actually a very difficult riddle to figure out

because people weren't accustomed to picturing women as surgeons and so many people didn't get that riddle and this ain't the 70s anymore, still, Roman. All right, guy. I got another one for you. And if you want to look that one up on YouTube,

the riddle with the, you don't believe me. I got another one for you. Everything Arland says is fake and wacky, like his dad didn't die by a sailfish. Look it up on YouTube. Here's another one for you. The all in the family,

Dr. Riddle, surgeon riddle. Look it up. Wow, that's actually in the show. I told you. That's where it's from. Wow. Okay, well, I was just... There it is.

And I'm the guy that makes shit up. Okay. How dare you, sir? Here's another riddle. How dare you with your nutty little koala fingers and your chocolate fudge cluster eyes and your coconut cream pie pubis? How dare you, sir?

I apologize. One more riddle before the week... Yes, please. There's 100 cows, 28 chickens. How many didn't? How many didn't? Because it was her mother There's 100,000 28 chickens

How many didn't? None No Priest No 80 Why 28 chickens

28 chickens How many didn't 28 chickens? How many didn't? 28 them 80 didn't Carlin, thank you for being a bad friend. Guys, surprise, I'm not done.

I'm gonna bea-happed-a-b-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...