Bad Friends - Draft Episode for Apr 07, 2025

Episode Date: April 7, 2025

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, Martin, let's try one. Remember, big. You got it. The Ford It's a Big Deal event is on. How's that? Uh, a little bigger. The Ford It's a Big Deal event. Nice. Now the offer? Lease a 2025 Escape Active all-wheel drive from 198 bi-weekly at 1.99% APR for 36 months with $27.55 down. Wow, that's like $99 a week.

Yeah, it's a big deal. The Ford It's a Big Deal event. Visit your Toronto area Ford store or Ford.55 down. Wow, that's like $99 a week. Yeah, it's a big deal. The Ford, it's a big deal event. Visit your Toronto area Ford store or Ford.ca today. Hello. Hello. Hello, mate. My. Bein' zon tos.

We're coming to London, England and Dublin, Ireland. Right, London, England, Dublin, Ireland, July 18th and July 19th for Ireland. That's right, 18th in London, 19th in Ireland. You guys come out and see us. Go to BadFriendsPod.com. Kicks are going fast. They are going very fast. Dublin's about to shout out. Shout out.

So July 18th to 19th, go to BadFriendsPod.com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo-hoo. White dude and Asian dude. Woo-hoo. You two are disgusting. Woo-hoo.

Well, you two are something. You two are something. We're bad friends. What is this shirt that you got in Australia? Look at Bobby got a shirt in Australia. It's a stress, dude. You cannot fit in this. Why can't he fit in it? Dude, this is-

You're saying that I'm fat. I think you fit in that easily. Thank you, Benny. What are you talking? Do you actually think he can't fit in it? No, dude. All right, put it on. A part of him.

This is- No, it looks exactly- In here, dude? What's the problem? No, look at this. I mean it on. A part of him. This is- No, it looks exactly- No, look at this. You clearly can't fit- I think he- No, I'm gonna do it off. No, no. Why do you have to do it off?

Do it on. Do you have movies? On, on, on, on, on. On, on, on, on. Oh, you look great. Whoa, he just- Ozempic. Are you on Ozempic?

He is. Wow. He actually? Yeah. Why are you on Ozempic? He's on the other one. The fat, baby! So you could fit in the shirt you bought. Yeah. Why are you on Ozempic? He's on the other one. The fact, baby! So you could fit in the shirt you bought.

Yeah, that shirt was $9,000. So it's gotta fit. Okay, let's see. It fits. It fits perfectly. It fits good. It's perfect. Wow, dude.

Wow, directly. I like it. Wow. Wait, are you actually on Ozempic? Yeah, yeah. Really? Not Ozempic, he's on the other one. Manjaro.

No, Wugobi, no, but I was on Ozempic too. What's Wugobi? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wugobi, no, there is no Wugobi, you just made up Wugobi. No, Wugoba. Hey dude, we're not as successful as you. We can't afford premium brand. Yeah, dude, we have to get off brand.

What are you talking about, that shirt was $9,000? I know. It was $9. Yeah. So, Benny, the reason why, because a girl told me I was fat and she was not attracted to me when we were making out and I had to lose the weight. Why do you keep going like this with your hair?

Because I'm emo too. Okay. And you're a musician so I'm just trying to be cool dude. Okay. What's up mom? It's very difficult to get comfortable in this chair. That's the point of the chairs. I love those pants.

Thanks. Are those cowhide? No, they're, I was shopping with my fiance at. Ooh. Ooh. What, now he's changing again. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh, it's not nudey. No, we were just saying. Ooh, we're going. Why does everyone have to use these mics? Why can't they find a better system? This is one of the best mics in the game. You've been complaining since you've been in a bedding.

Yeah. Cans and then the mic. What are you complaining? I wanted you to put on your shirt and I thought you looked beautiful. Oh, thank you so much. Wait a minute, you don't like these mics? As someone who is a professional.

No, I do like these mics, but I don't understand why there's not a version at this point where it's like, we're like hands-free, well, we already are hands-free. Yeah, we are. But we're like, there's nothing in our face, we're not wearing a headphone, like we're just talking in a room.

You don't have to wear headphones, but this is how we hear each other more crisp and you can hear the levels if we play video. I know what Benny's saying. Were you saying like a lav mic or something? Or like maybe a mic here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe just something simple. Right.

Benny, what's it like having a super famous fiance? Very good question. Can you go to, wait, wait, wait, can you go to a mall? Like, can you go to, wait, wait, wait. Can you go to a mall? Like, can you go to the Beverly Center with her? No. You never, try. No, like.

Let's try. Well, you don't go to the Beverly Center. I know, I know. Well, okay, okay. Here's what it is. She's like a homebody, like her favorite thing to do. Let's not talk about a woman's body on the show, dude. That's so diminutive. Your wife's body is insane woman's body on the show. That's so convenient.

Your wife's body is insane. I know, I'm shaming. No, her body's like a house. It's a big, burly house. She just likes to chill at home. So do you though. Yeah, yeah, I'm like a big chill. I don't wanna go to like, we're not going to,

like we wanna like chill it. That's us every night. Every night I go there. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, like we want to like chill it. That's us every night. Every night I go there. Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk t What are you 35 36? Wait, are you are any guys sober? No, you're not you I mean the program Okay, okay. Are you in the program? I'm not I'm not some of my fans some of my no some of my family, but I just want to say so like I Do if I have powers to do okay, okay But I buy my own power, okay, okay. He is Hector Gomez but I buy my own power, dude. Okay, okay.

He is Hector Gomez, the guy that works right outside. Yeah, dude. The guy we buy fruit from. He works at Pep Boys, dude. Okay, okay, no, no. I'll change your tires! Hey, go ahead. I don't even know what I was talking about.

Yeah, you do. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, you do. Oh, I got alcohol, okay. When I was like, until like 31, I could drink the entire night, sleep zero, go to bed at five a.m., wake up at six, like work a full day.

Now I have like two drinks and I feel like hung over for three days. And I just can't, I can't take it. Why don't you get in the program? He's in the program, get in the program. Also, Benny, check this out. I'm 53. Yeah.

You're 53? Yeah, thank you. You look so young. program. So Benny, check this out. I'm 53. Yeah. You're 53? Yeah, thank you. You look so young. Thank you, Benny. See this right here? That's a gun. Do you see it? Yeah.

Right? Yeah. No, it's not a gun. This is a gun. Okay, what's this? This hurts. Going in your ass? No, no, no.

I'm just saying. I was trying to make a point that everything hurts. Oh, oh, oh. I should have done that. Why didn't you just show it? You're right, you're right, you're right. I should have just done this. Yeah.

Why did I do that? I don't know't you just show it like you're a hank? You're right, you're right, you're right. I should have just done this. Yeah, why did I do that? I don't know. I just. That's insane. Are you sure you mean that you're like feeble and crippled at this point? No, what I'm saying is that you get arthritis. Oh yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? And your body just breaks down. And I'm sober and it happens. In fact, I had my three year AA birthday Saturday and nobody texted me in this room. Why I texted you? Do you know why? Why?

Because you've had a lot of sober birthdays. We've gotta change the date seven times. I know, but yeah. Remember this trophy we gave you for kicking at the habit in 2022? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I relapsed too much. Thank you. It happens, it happens. Well, Benny is- It does. I come from, my family is- He's a child of fetal alcohol syndrome. No, I'm- I can already tell.

I can tell already. Don't bring that up. Don't I look insane? Can I clear the air? Yeah. I look insane. Benny and I have known each other for so long, and you're my dog, and I love you.

And when you did my show, and I asked about Selena, the internet got so mad. They thought I was picking on you. I was like, we were teasing each other. People were like, don't be fucking mean to Ben. I don't read any comments. The fans came at me, dude. My fans are crazy. Dude, not your fans, first of all,

they're your fucking wife's fans. You nerd. I mean, when you're married to Selena, oh, you're married? I'm engaged. Engaged. Does that make your upper lip moist? Cause your upper lip right now is so moist.

Hmm. Yeah. Dude, he chapsticks a lot. You do? Why? You don't be, because I have to now. I have to have an upper lip that's moist. Dude, that's so funny. He's right. Yeah.

When you start dating someone hot and famous, you have to have moist lips. Yeah. Look at all the hot guys. They always have moist lips. I got to have moist, what am I supposed to do? My lips are supposed to look like an asshole? Right, right. Like, just be cracked and, what are you doing?

He's moistening, dude. It's not making them moist. Now you look insane. Yeah. Whoa, hold on one second. Hello, Sydney Sweeney? Yeah. Yeah, Bobby Lee's right here.

Oh my, whoa, dude. That's all it took. It works, right? Yeah, dude. Are you in a relationship? That's bullshit? I wanted that I can't I get no one wants to fuck me. What up? What do you mean? No one? Nobody wants to fuck me. That's not you know why because you're with Selena. I think you're so cute, dude Okay, I'm gonna say something right now, and we're not gonna bring it up again. I'm so tired of this Okay, I know what I'm tired of it, too. What is it cuz you're so loved I'm tired of it, too

Right now yes I'm so tired of this. I know, but I'm tired of it too. What is it? Because you're so loved. I'm tired of it too. Right now. Yes. Benny. Yeah. Right now what I'm doing is I've talked to my therapist and I'm gonna spend the next six months to a year completely alone. Why?

Because- Celebsy? Yeah. So no dating at all? Yeah, and I'll tell you why. It's just not happening. That's not- No, no, I all? Yeah, and I'll tell you why. It's just not happening. That's not. No, no, I'm meeting people, right?

But it's just like, I wanna be able to click like this guy and ride on a unicorn. What? You deserve to be on that unicorn. Thank you so much. I like the way you did that. I can't do that because I'm stuck in a plastic chair in between like, here's my unicorn.

Now if I'm a unicorn, right, where am I on the unicorn? Can I be honest? That doesn't look like a unicorn at all. No, no, he's one. Korean unicorns are different. No, no, no. Oh! I don't think that's the unicorn.

I think that's him on top of the unicorn. Yeah. Why are your arms hurt? Is this because arthritis? Yeah, arthritis. What's wrong with your arms? And why have you been out of breath? Like, through.

I smoke cigarettes. So you're just out of breath all the time? This fucking guy, why does everyone come out here? I'm not saying- Nip, pick, and all my frailties. Okay, wait. I'm a unicorn, where am I on the unicorn? What happened to your other arm?

I'm going left! Okay. Yeah, yeah. I'm going left, dude. He's never going right. Anyway, I'm sitting on the horn. You haven't found the wine? I'm sitting on the horn. You haven't found the wine. I'm sitting on the wine, yeah, yeah.

You deserve the wine. Anyway, so go ahead, what's the question? This is your date. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so what's the rest of the date? What's the rest of the fucking date? Well, it's the get to know you portion of the date. Get to know her, she's right there.

Oh really? Yeah, so. Hi, my riot profile set to 20. I know, but I'm assuming it's 30. Okay. Okay. So um, hey Kalaya. No, oh yeah, no no no. Alright, alright. Hi, Mayo.

Mayo, Mayo. Mayo? Hi Mayo. Hi. Hi. Hi Bobby. I would probably do a joke like, do you like Mayo? Bobby that wasn't funny. Bobby can you keep going?

I know I'm drowning. I like this girl. I'm already drowning. Bobby can you keep going? Yeah I'll keep going. So Mayo, are you LA raised, born? Good. Raised or born?

I was born in Tallahassee. Tallahassee, New York. Yeah Tallahassee, New York born in Tallahassee, New York Yeah, oh I love Florida how long you've been in LA oh Bobby I get asked this on every day. Oh forget it. Okay. What are your dreams my dreams? Yeah better Oh, I like that. Yeah, well, I kind of want to be you're not gonna make it Oh, I like that. Yeah. Well, I kinda wanna be. You're not gonna make it.

What? I'm not? Yeah, I don't think you're gonna make it. Why? Can I get you guys something to drink? It's a tough town. Oh, hi. Hi.

Oh my god, you look so hot. Cut it out. Jeez, oh my god, are you doing your Leo face? Hey, Mayo. What, yeah? What the fuck you doing? Whoa. No, what do you mean, whoa?

That's weird. Watch, oh, I bring you on a date, you, this redheaded fucking thunder stick. Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. Is this guy bothering you? He might be a little. I'll throw him out. You will?

This is not how you want the date to go, sir. Yeah. Fuck you, sir. Whoa. Yeah. Fuck you. You know what, Mayo, I'm gonna go grab you. Whoa. I'm gonna grab you by the shoulder.

Get in the car! Oh my God, dude. Right? We're going to where you deserve to go, Shake Shack. Oh, okay. Now we're in Shake Shack. That's actually cool. Okay, now when you're at Shake Shack, is he coming?

Yeah, he's coming, of course he's coming. You guys want something to drink? Yeah, yeah. He just works in every restaurant he goes. And I'm like, oh my God, that guy. Do you know? I ask about who they are, what they're, and what I'm trying to get to is if there's like, if they're damaged.

If, and you, you want to stay if they're damaged? I want to see if there's trauma, no. If there's like some sort of deep trauma going on, you know what I mean? If they have a dream here in LA, you know, can they make it? Because if they can't make it, I don't want to do it. How do you know, how do you know? How do you know?

Because I'll go on their Instagram. It took you like 40 years to make it, it takes everyone so long. You can, Benny, let me ask you something. You do you know? How do you know? Because I'll go on their Instagram. It took you like 40 years to make it. It takes everyone so long. You can, Benny, let me ask you something. You know, you're a producer, right? Yeah. Right?

You can hear it. If you saw a girl's Instagram and saw her singing, would you be able to, can you tell? I don't know. Yeah, yes, you can. Benny, look at me. This is, you're a singer? I thought she was a boom mic.

Oh, what? I know. Made of sand. But what I'm saying is that can't you tell as a standup, if a girl, if she were at the open mic level, that she may or may not make it? You can usually tell a standup if they're gonna grow. Exactly.

Usually you'll know if they're, so you want someone to grow with you. No, I just wanna be able to look and she, at least she can, you know, she has the ability to make it. Okay, sure. I don't like when people are like, I'm wanna be able to look at, at least she can, you know, she has the ability to make it. Okay. Sure. I don't like when people are like, I'm a good singer and then they can't, and that leads to delusion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want delusion. You don't want, okay. Yeah, yeah. No delusion. I want a good family upbringing. Okay, delusion, boom mic. Yeah, boom mic. Wait, but- Not delusion.

Family upbringing though, this is, I always talk about it. Oh, Benny. No, no, cause my mom always says this. She always says, she's like, before I started dating Selena, she would always say, I want you to be with someone from a good family. And then I don't agree with that.

My mom was from a shitty family. Like my mom has a terrible, you don't get to choose who your parents are. Sometimes your parents are dickheads. I don't know, I don't believe, I believe that they should have like a close relationship with like someone in their family, but I don't think you have to be

best friends with all your family. It's great if you are, it's fucking amazing. But most people's parents are divorced. Most people, you know, I don't know. Your parents aren't divorced. My parents are both, are they divorced? Oh, they are? They are the divorced.

You talk to your dad? I speak to my dad. Uh oh. Uh oh. You heard a daddy issue come up right there. Yeah, it's hot, it's hot. I wouldn't date you. I wouldn't date you.

But I'm Mayo. You're Mayo. I know, but Mayo, check this out, okay? Yes, yes. Stop pointing at me when you talk to me. Okay. What's wrong with you? No, he has arthritis.

Arthritis. Yeah. Okay. If they're in a, let's say their family died in a fire. Yeah. Can I be honest with you guys?, he has arthritis. Arthritis. Arthritis. Yeah. Okay. If they're in a, let's say their family died in a fire. Yeah. Can I be honest with you guys? I have to go back to the kitchen.

Can I get your drink order? Cause I need to. No, no, no. I've been waiting here for far too long. No, we have our order. Just give us a second. Okay. Get this out of the way.

I'll wait here. Okay. Yeah. I have like five other tables. If your parents died in a fire, right? And then years later, I want to take you camping. Yes. Right? And I light a campfire.

You might have PTSD from it, and I want that. You go camping? He does. I do. You actually camp? Big camp guy. You've never camped before? I actually did a couple months ago.

No, he did. He does. And what did you think? Hated it. Oh, okay. But he doesn't. But you want to know that if you do go camping and you light a fire, your imaginary male girlfriend won't have trauma from that.

This all adds up to me. It all adds up. You guys know what I'm saying? You wanna know? He's not at the date, Andy. He's in my waiter, Benny. You're just kidding. He's the waiter, Benny.

He just has to stay here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have a choice. He does tip me very well. I guess so, yeah, okay. What are some of your check marks? Okay, I had a- Give me your check marks, man. yeah, okay. What are some of your check marks? Okay, I had a- Give me your check marks.

Okay, okay, I did, because before I met Selena, well- How'd you meet her? We've known each other for like 15 years, but I'm saying before we started dating, I remember being like, fuck, I keep doing the same thing over and over again. I'm just dating, I'm doing this.

And my therapist was like, you gotta make a checklist. He was like, you gotta make a list of the things you want and need. And I had a checklist. And okay, you wanna know what mine were? Super famous. Yep. Very rich, yep.

Hispanic for some reason. Hispanic, yeah. For a good reason. Yeah. Hot. Yep. Okay. Empath reason. Hispanic, yeah. For a good reason. Yeah. Hot. Yep, okay. Empathetic. Yep.

Yep. Did you say pathetic? Empathetic. Oh, I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. Empathetic. Yeah, empathetic. Yeah, empathetic.

Yeah, yeah. And pathetic. Yep. And tinier than you. That was all of them. Really? What was the checklist? That was it.

No, really, what was it? No, the checklist was, I wanted, I said 30 or over for me. Right. 30 or older, that's what I wanted at the time. That's how I felt. 30 plus. I wanted someone who was passionate about something.

They didn't have to make money or anything, just that they have a passion and they're going towards something. Right. Like, I don't care what it is. Like, if they were like, I do those little paper football things and I'm the best at flicking it through like this,

I would say, you keep doing that, babe. Whoa, hey, this is my dream woman. I didn't get mad at you when yours was mayo made of sand. Okay? All right, Benny, this is how Koreans, when they listen, that's the face they make. Watch any movie. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. So true. Yeah. Watch Parasite, re's the face they make. Watch any movie. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. So true. Yeah. Have you seen? Watch Parasite. Rewatch Parasite.

That's everyone in Parasite. Thank you so much, Andrew, for defending my culture. It is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he the waiter or is he Andrew again? He's still the waiter. I'm Andrew the waiter. Yeah, Andrew the waiter.

All right, so keep going. Okay, okay. Because I'm learning from you. Okay, and I wanted someone who was, I wanted someone who was kind, and who actually, like, Selena's incredible. When I wake up in the morning, I know what's going through her head,

and now what's going through my head too is like, how can we make today the best day for both of us? Like, she's thinking about me, and she's thinking, and I feel like a lot of times in relationships, I felt like I was always giving and I wasn't getting what I wanted in return. And she's so thoughtful, so caring, so compassionate. So I really wanted someone like that.

I basically manifested the perfect person for me. And I wanted- Manifest. That's what I want too! Well, let's go down your realistic checklist. What was your first date like? Our first date? Yeah.

Our first date was insane. Okay, so I didn't know we were on a date. Okay, so here's what happened. Okay. Here's what happened. We had like left, we left the studio one day, we start texting and. So you're producing her album.

I produce with her and I have for years, for years, for 10 years. Sure, so you guys are in the studio. What about this? Chk-chk-chk-chk. Yeah, yeah, I was chicken chicken. Chk-chk-chk-chk-chk. Yeah.

And she's like, I don't like that sound. How about that, bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom? Oh, you listen to her stuff. I like that, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, and then afterwards, go ahead. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so afterwards, she texted me,

or no, I texted her. And I was like, oh my God, I was like, I was like, what a great set. I forget what happened, something. And then we start texting back and forth and I'm busy that night and we're just texting back and forth and yeah. Real quick.

Is there sexual, when you worked with her before, was there some sort of sexual tension? There's never been sexual tension. So you never even thought about it? No, I never thought, we've always been in relationships. We've always, like, there's always, we've never even been single at the same time. Professional mode, always.

Okay, so we start like texting and somehow we start sending like selfies back and forth. Oh, that's how it starts. It was like a selfie thing. Right. And... You guys are giggling. It was like a selfie thing. And, um. You guys are giggling. There was giggling, but I wasn't thinking of anything. I was just like, oh, I'm just like,

we're working on a song, it's cool. And then she was like, you wanna get some food tomorrow? And so, okay, so before, while we were at the session, I was talking, we were talking about our dating lives, and I was like, oh my God, I know so many great guys. Why don't you come to our house one day and we'll have a dinner and you can meet some people.

Literally wasn't even thinking about it. Zoc Doc. Zoc Doc. Ow, ow, ow. What's going on, your throat? Ow, ow, ow. Your throat's broken? Oh yeah, my throat's broken.

Oh my God, his throat always breaks. And as a podcaster, I need my throat to work. Yeah, I have a recommendation. What? Zoc Doc. Oh, Zoc Doc. You know what it is? You got a free app and website? Yeah, that one. Yeah, I have a recommendation. What? ZocDoc. Oh, ZocDoc. You know what it is? You got a free app and website?

Yeah, that one. Yeah, where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. That's right, guy. Oh, wow. We're talking about booking in-network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty,

from mental health to dental health, primary care to urgent care, and more. Wow, that's incredible. You can filter for doctors who take your insurance or located nearby and are a good fit for any medical need that you may need and they're rated by verified patients. I'm telling you, thank goodness for ZocDoc. When I moved neighborhoods, I didn't,

I was like, I don't want to get a new doctor, but I don't want to go back to the old neighborhood. So I went on ZocDoc, peace of mind, I got an appointment within two days. And by the way, you can score appointments within 24 to 72 hours, depending on what they have. Some have same day appointments.

It's incredible. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash bad friends to find an instantly book, a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash bad friends. Zocdoc.com slash bad friends. Display.

If I displayed in the 80s, because I had a lot of rock posters on my wall. Let me guess some of the bands that were on their wall. Go ahead. Thin Lizzy. Oh, why not? Yeah, dude. The Pesh Mode.

Duran. Duran Duran. No, just Duran. Oh, just Duran Duran wasn't there? Yeah. Displate is a one of a kind metal poster designed to capture your unique passions. Displate is a one of a kind metal poster designed to capture your unique passions. Displate created a 21st century canvas

that's sturdy, magnet mounted, and durable enough to withstand a lifetime of intense staring. This is the best part of a Displate is it's heavy and thick and solid, right? All these posters we had as kids, they rip, they tear, they get sun, you know, sunstained. And now Displate has over two million designs available for everyone, including official designs from brands like Disney, Marvel, DC, you know, sun stain. And now Displate has over two million designs available for everyone, including official designs

from brands like Disney, Marvel, DC, Warhammer, your favorite anime shows and movies, including right here, official Bad Friends designs. My Lord. That's right. Please get them. You gotta get them. Displate created a unique, easy, safe magnet mounting system.

It takes 20 seconds. You do not have to put holes all in your wall. That's the best part. You stick a protective leaf, place a magnet, put the Displate on the wall, boom, it's done. You all in your wall. That's the best part. You stick a protective leaf, place a magnet, put the disc plate on the wall. Boom, it's done. You wanna have your wall still stay nice? When you move stuff around and change it,

you gotta try Disc Plate. How do they get it? Go to DiscPlate.com slash Bad Friends. This discount is applied automatically. Or use code BADFRIENDS at the checkout to get 25% off for one disc plate, 32% off for two to three disc plates, 36% off for four or more disc plates.

Disc plate, collect your passions. So she decided to come over and I was like, oh, my friend has a birthday party. Let's go get some drinks first. We went to my friend, my friend has a bar called Stir Crazy. It's like a wine bar. We like went there first. And then we went to Jitlada was where my friend was having.

You know that place? Yeah. What is it? It's Thai food. You never invite me to Lada. It's delicious, jazz, she runs it. I love jazz, I love jazz too. No, her name is Jazz.

Okay, keep going. You like it? Stop getting so horny, we're like. I'm a hard. Yeah, yeah. So hard? Yeah, he's. Keep going, jazz, Thai food, my favorite.

Okay, so we're just sitting there, and then she's like, oh no, first we're at the wine spot, and she said, oh my God, if this was a, she was like, man, I would've worn something different for this date, and I was like, we're on a date? And then she was like, what? And then I was like, and I was so confused, and then she didn't bring it up again, and then we're like hanging, having the best time,

she leaves the date, like she leaves the dinner party, and it was with other people. She leaves kinda early. She's like, I got a video shoot, I gotta do something early. And I was like, oh, okay. And then she texts me, she's like, I haven't had that much fun in so long. Then-

Are you, no. I still don't, I'm not like putting- Through this guy. He's like having sex with her. He's like, is this a date? Yeah, yeah. This is a date, right? Yeah, I'm so clueless.

Wow. So then we're like second date, we're just chilling at my house. Who organized a second date? You said come over? I think she was like, let's hang out again. It was so casual and it was so, and I was like, I'm so dumbfounded that she could ever even like me.

Then I'm like, oh, okay, yeah, let's hang out again. So we're at my house and we're playing this like little game and it's like these cards you pull out. It's so funny that you say that. What? That was a Wegovi burp. Wegovi burp. Sorry, that was Wegovi.

That should be a question for Wegovi. I might vomit. Wegovi. Yeah, yeah. I had an injection yesterday. Did you? What is Wegovi? It's the same thing as- Ozempic and Mancharo?

Yeah, yeah. Where does it- It's like dip sick is the Chinese version. Dip sick? He gets wegovi from overseas. How long have you been wegoviing? Two months. No, it's more than that.

Three months. And how much weight have you lost? 15. Almost 20 pounds. Really? Yeah, 15. And when will you do it, Till? Till you have no torso left.

I wanna look like Steven Yeun. I was just about to say that. Tell him what you told me in Australia. What'd I say? What are you gonna get? Oh yeah, a six pack. You're gonna get a six pack. He's gonna get buff.

You are? Yeah. He's gonna get super. Are you working out? No. No. You don't need to work out. Yeah, yeah. Well, gonna get buff. You are? Yeah. He's gonna get super buff. Are you working out? No. No. You don't need to work out.

Yeah, yeah. Well, Gove literally does all that for you. Well, let's go back to you and Selena because it was a side question. Second date, she comes over to your house. Second date, she comes over to my house. We're playing the game. How many people are there?

No, it's just me and her. Oh my God. It's just me and her. And then, still in this moment, I'm just me and her. Oh my God. It's just me and her. And then, and still in this moment, I'm just like, I'm like, I'm not even thinking about it like that for some reason. She's at my house, there's this game, and in the game it says,

take a selfie with the person next to you. I was the only one next to her. So she like comes up towards me and like is on my chest and takes a selfie and then I was, and I said, oh my God. And then I turned. Oh my God, what? Let him do it.

And I was like, oh my God. And then I just kissed her immediately. And that was our first kiss. It has to be a 95%. You have to be 95% higher. 99% sure. With Selena Gomez you do. With Selena Gomez.

How did you know it was 99%? I felt it. When you feel it, you feel it. Really? Yeah, I felt it. You're acting like you've never kissed a person before. I have, I have. We're getting there.

I have, but also 99%. Yeah, you can't be 80% sure. Oh my God. If she went on like this, if she went and turned away, is the working relationship done at that point? No more songs. No, I don't think so.

Really? No, I think we just talk about it. But you would have to apologize, like I'm sorry, I read it wrong. I guess so. Yeah, I guess. Have you had to do that before? You've read it wrong? You've read it wrong? I've read. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Have you had to do that before? You've read it wrong?

You've read it wrong? I've read it wrong, yeah. That's never happened to me before. Wait, wait, have you read it wrong many times in your life? No, just by- Like one time I read it wrong. No, it was more than one. I know it's more than one.

Twice. You're lying, nope, you're still lying. Five times, five times I read it wrong. No, maybe still lying. Every time, every time I read it wrong. No, not every time, not every time. I think there's six to eight in your life, I times. Five times. No, maybe still lying. Every time, every time. Not every time, not every time. I think there's six to eight in your life. You know what, Benny, your tone today,

it went from like equal grounds to like you being like them. No, I have you on a roller coaster. That's right. I'll defend Bobby again. You know why? Do you know why he reads it wrong sometimes? Because Bobby lives in the moment, he flies free and beautiful.

Exactly. On the unicorn. He's the unicorn. And so therefore, he's living in the moment. He assumes, let me try. And if he reads it wrong, he says, I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah. I thought you thought I was wonderful.

And she said, no, I'm not sexually attracted to you. Hi, I'm not sexually attracted to you. Will you be my friend? All right, guys, honestly, can I take your drink order at this point? Yeah, no, no, no. We have our appetizer. We're gonna work on the appetizer for a second.

We have to discuss this first. You come here every week. You know the menu. I know. There's only two things on the appetizer, but you know what I mean? We're not gonna get both. So after the kiss, though, that was it.

That was it. And then we hung out constantly. Oh, can I ask you this before? You're not getting into it. Yeah. You don't have to get into specifics, right? But did the kiss lead to more that day? It did not.

It did not. Okay, when did that happen? She's, he wants to know date and time. No, I don't want to know date and time, I just eventually like, and I don't, don't get specific. No, no, no. When did you guys start dating then?

Immediately. That's what, that was the- Did you spend every day together? No, because we're both so busy. But very, very quickly we realized, you know when like you first start dating someone you're like, oh, I can't give them all my time. But then very quickly like it's like,

oh, I have an hour free here, I'll hang out with them. Oh, I have this time here. And very quickly we realized that we were, I have old gofie burp. Yeah. quickly we realized that we were, I have a little go-fever. Very quickly I realized we were like inseparable. And no, I met my best friend. Who said I love you first? She did.

She said it so many times by mistake even. What do you mean? Just like on a phone call, okay, all right, love you, bye? She was getting like, I forget, she was getting like dental work or something. Something happened and she was like a little woozy and as she was coming to, she was like, I love you.

And I was like, and I was so scared. Can't say it at dental work, yeah. I didn't say it back, I didn't say it back. And then one time, she was, her and Taylor Swift were at a sushi restaurant and they were sending me a voice memo and they were like, oh my God, this is so much fun. We miss you.

We wish you were here. And she was like, we love you. And then just like, she literally said, we love you. And then it was like, and then it ended. And then I was like, and then it ended. And then, and then I was waiting, I knew we were taking this trip to New York, and I was like. First class?

No, no, no. He flies private. No, I don't even fly. He drives. I drive. He drives to New York. I don't like planes. I don't like planes.

Do you take planes? Yeah. Southwest, baby. You like Southwest? Yeah. You. Southwest baby. You like Southwest? Yeah. Every time this guy has to go to New York, he has to drive. He's like, I'll be there in three days. Yeah, I drive.

I do. I take a boat to Europe. Are you being real? I'm being for real. There's no way. I swear. You will get nothing done. I swear, I take a fucking boat.

So you don't fly ever. Be honest with me. I haven't flown. I haven't gotten on a plane since, oh I got on a plane but I got off of it. I haven't successfully flown on a plane since 2018 and before that 2015, before that 2009. So you really drive to places.

Yes and I take a boat. But I just decided two days ago that I'm gonna fly again. Good, thank you. I just decided, I was in the shower and I was sitting on the ground in the shower. I sit on the ground every time I get in the shower. Yeah. And I said, how old, I said how, what?

That's funny? Yeah, it's insane. What, you don't sit? It's insane. You don't ever sit on the ground in the shower. What? What, no, in the bathtub? In the tub.

No, no, in the shower, sit on the ground, let it wash over you. Sometimes I actually lay down and let the water shoot into my asshole. You never do that? You never did that before, yeah. You've never done it. This is what producers are like,

you have Rick Rubin, that's just, yeah. Quincy Jones, yeah, that's a Quincy Jones move right there, dude. You let it go right in your butt. Yeah, yeah. That's where allcy Jones move right there, dude. You let it go right in your butt. Yeah, yeah. That's where all the good ideas come from. Yeah. It feels so, okay, so I was just sitting in the shower

and I was like, how old am I? I'm 36 and I said, fuck, I said, you know, someone died recently and they were like 90 and I was like. Jimmy Carter? I was like, that's. 100, 100 years ago. I was like, I was like, shit,

I'm gonna get to live my life like two more times. I was like, I'm like, shit, I'm gonna get to live my life like two more times. I was like, I'm gonna die and I'm not gonna get on an airplane. I was like, I should just get on an airplane because I might die on that. I might get cancer tomorrow. I might, I don't know. Was that the first?

When's the last time you were in New York? 2018? No, I was in New York like a month or two ago. And you drove there from LA. I was in New York in December and I'm going back in two weeks. And you're driving there? Yeah. Yeah in New York in December and I'm going back in two weeks. And you're driving there? Yeah.

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess. I think you were kidding, dude. Do you still wanna date me? Yeah. I'm mayhem. Oh yeah, mayhem. For your mail.

Is the fear, is it because of death? I'm becoming more attractive. Oh, it's working. It's working. See, dude, you wear him down. Yeah. Wow. No, does that working, it's working. See dude, you wear them down. Yeah. Wow. No, no, does that work, wearing down?

Be honest, be your true. Yes. Wearing down helps. I think so. I don't know if you wanna be like, we fell in love because I wore her down. Yeah, but you wore, in many ways, you wore Selena down, no?

I mean, you were working together for years, right? So you had that friendship, trustworthy. There was no trying though. All right, so I'm not gonna try. Yeah, just go on, maybe just go on friend dates. Anyway, I don't know yet. I don't know yet, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna die soon.

What's the special today, sir? Oh, today? Yeah. Crab, is crab rangoon. Oh, and's crab rangoon. Oh. And then crab rangoon with like a house made foie la foie sauce. I don't know if you've, you've probably not traveled.

I don't know. Have you been to France? I have. Oh, how'd you get there? I've been a few times by flight, but many times by boat. Wonderful. So you do fly, sir.

Before I used to fly. Wonderful. And for our main course is gonna be a hand caught squirrel, squirrel loin, and it's slightly seared. It's served pretty rare. Do you have hedgehog? Let me check with the chef. See if we still have the hedgehog.

Cause you got it last week. Yeah, I got it last week. We might've run out, but I will check it. We love the belly fat of that baby hedgehog. Oh my God, it melts right in your mouth. Please, could you check, please? Yes, I will, one second. Did, did,

Sha! Did you, when you were younger, are you finding it that you're getting girls easier now or when you were younger? Pfft. No. Bro, do you find it easier now that you're fucking rich and famous to get girls?

Versus when you were poor? I I'm all here with you Bobby the way you laughed just now did really piss me off. It did What was when you were poor? It made me mad in real life. Yeah, I did Everyone laughing fuck off. Did it make you mad in real life? Yeah, I was just trying I got I was being I know Benny I got um When I was 23 and I was performing as a like an open mic er is when I got, when I was 23, I was performing as an open micer, is when I got the confidence to meet.

But before that I was a virgin. And now he's the king. And now you're the king. Were you confident as a child? Yeah, he got blow jobs in high school. Everybody got blow jobs in high school. I never got one. Not in high school?

I said 23, dude. 23 was first blow job, was 23 first kiss? I mean, I kissed out school. I never got one. Not in high school? I guess it's 23, dude. 23 was first blow job. Was 23 first kiss? I mean, I kissed out a girl and I kissed out. Kissed out a girl? Yeah. She was knocked out. I kissed her out.

He kissed her so hard. Yeah. That lizard poked. Oh! OK. Yeah, so I kissed a girl in high school. Her name was Dio. No need to say the full name.

Why? Doesn't need that on the internet. Why is she ashamed? Nothing happened, we just kissed. Why is that not a bad thing? Because what if she doesn't want her name attached to that? All right, Julie Maganol. There it is.

So you kissed Julie Maganol. Yeah, Maganol. And then the next Monday, it was a weekend, she denied it to everyone that she kissed me. That's why I said you shouldn't put her full name in this. Yeah, yeah. And I remember thinking about it for years. It hurt you.

Oh my God. Well, we've all had this moment. I had, okay, let's all give our embarrassing, I had one. My freshman year of college, a girl lived literally two doors down. So gorgeous, like so cool, and we're all in like a little friendship

circle, and then one night, I wrote her a note, like kind of like a confessional, being like, I have this crazy crush on you, and I was like my heart, you know when your heart hurts, it's beating so hard, and I slid it under her door, and then I went back into my dorm and I was like, fuck, was that stupid? Should I have not done that?

Like, what? And I just kind of blacked out and thought for like an hour. And my hand to God, I come, I go get something to eat from the commissary. I come back and she's down at the end of the hall with a group of like the other people at the end of the hall, like a girl and another dude. And they were laughing at the note.

No. Oh, that's so funny and that fucking no that's so fucking kill me that killed me oh that's so sad I'm so sorry it fucked me up so much oh my god so there's a girl at the Addison improv I heard that her she was a waitress okay and I opened it for Carlos Mencia back in the 90s. Right? And I hooked up with her. I had sex with her, right? Then years later, I ran into another comic and he's like talking about her. You know what I mean?

Yeah, she had hooked up with all these comics. He listed the name. Right? And I go, was I in the list? He goes, no, she never mentioned you. And I was so hurt by that. That hurts. Yeah, yeah.

Give me your hurt. When I was 13, I asked out my first girl, okay? Like on a date, my mom literally helped me. I got flowers and chocolates and I did everything. And I went to a school that like, it wasn't a great school. So, and there was like a lot of fights, there was a lot of bullying, blah, blah, blah, and there was like a big locker comments,

and there was like, you know, almost 2,000 kids that went to my school. And she was in the middle, and everyone knew it was gonna happen. So I went, and I did it, and she said yes, okay? So I'm like, oh, my, I'm like so happy. But we're so awkward and nervous,

we like don't even know, we did like this like weird church hug, like where your butt sticks out, and then like, we we're so awkward and nervous. We like don't even know. We did like this like weird church hug, like where your butt sticks out. And then like we didn't look at each other. And then we both walked our separate ways. And I was like, will you be my girlfriend? And she was like, yeah.

And then I get to class and I sit down and I remember I'm wearing gray sweatpants and a white t-shirt. And do you know, you know when like, okay, so I dropped a pen and you know when like you bend over and you bend a little too quick and you fart. Yeah, you did that.

Okay, I bent over and I shit my pants. Wow, full shit. Wow, full shit. Didn't see that coming. Did that go, yeah. Like a hundred percent, like not even, not like a squirt, like a full, like that smart water bottle. Just like inside.

And I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh my God. And I do the thing where you like wiggle and I'm like, it's there, it's in there. And I'm like. It's warm too, right? Yeah, it's so hot. I do the thing where you wiggle. I don't, I have no reference to this.

Yeah, most people don't shit their pants. No, what do you mean, yeah, yeah, yeah? You shit your pants before? Wait, stop for a second. Did you just hear your tone? We just met today. Yes. And did you just hear your tone?

He shit his pants too. I know, but I'm saying the way you talk to me though is crazy, dude. No. Acorns! Hey, April is financial literacy month. How about that? And here, we wanna remind you guys,

you gotta save a couple of bucks here and there, you never know what's gonna happen. Yeah, even back in the day when I didn't have a lot of money, you know, I remember investing $500 in mutual funds. And it helped. Not just helps, it's security. It it not just helps, it's security. It's great, yes, it's security. You wanna feel like your money is going somewhere

and doing things out in the world. Well, and that's what Acorns is here to do. You don't need to be an expert, by the way. Everybody thinks you need to know everything about investing, you do not. You don't. You don't, we don't know anything. I don't know nothing.

You leave it up to them, okay? Acorns is gonna recommend a diversified portfolio that matches you and your money goals. And honestly, Acorns made a whole month reminding you to finally take control of your money. The good news is you don't need 30 days. Acorns makes it easy to start saving and investing for your future in just five minutes. It is so simple to use. It's incredible.

You don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that matches you and your money goals. You don't need to be rich. Acorns lets you get started with the spare money you've got right now, even if all that you've got is spare change. Right. I started with a couple of bucks and thank goodness because the investments will be there for a while, hopefully to protect me, secure me in the future. Sign up now and join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $25 billion with Acorns. Head to acorns.com slash bad friends or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non-client endorsement, compensation provides incentive to positively promote

Acorns tier three compensation provided. Investing involves risk. Acorns advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor view important disclosures at acorns.com slash bad friends. Hello, Fresh! Oh my God, you know what? I like clean food and I like good food and that's why I do Hello Fresh.

Are you tired of figuring out what's for dinner, Andrew? No, every night. Night after night, especially on those busy weekdays. Get dinner done in easy way thanks to HelloFresh. With HelloFresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. You can skip trips to the grocery store,

count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. Thank you HelloFresh by the way, for sending us food because as podcasters, comedians, actors, blah's number one meal kit. Thank you HelloFresh, by the way, for sending us food because as podcasters, comedians, actors, blah, blah, blah, what have you, we're always out on the move doing something that's nice to come home

and make an easy, simple, delicious, wholesome meal. Save valuable time with fewer trips to the grocery store thanks to HelloFresh Market. There's over 100 add-on items you can add to your weekly box, like quick breakfasts, packable snacks, beverages, and more. It is really, really good. They have so much stuff ranging from whatever

your category of eating is. They got you covered. Pasta? Pasta, you can get it. Hello. You can get it. You got chicken dishes, you got beef, you got eggs, you got salmon, whatever you want. Get up to 10 free meals and a free high protein item

for life at hellofresh.com slash bad friends 10 FM. One item per box with active subscription, free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only varies by plan. That's up to 10 free HelloFresh meals. Just go to hellofresh.com slash bad friends 10 FM. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Yeah, okay, good.

Okay, so you wiggle, you feel it, it's warm. Back on track. Wait, real quick. Have you shit your pants with it? Many times, millions of times, he's seen me. Yeah, I've been with him, it's been bad. My Prius, remember the Prius? Yeah, yeah.

Shed all over it. So I shit my pants. Yeah. And I say, hey, can I go to the bathroom? And in my school, they don't let you go to the bathroom for the first 15 minutes or the last 15 minutes because they think everyone's gonna skip, okay? And I was like, I really have to go to the bathroom.

And they were like, no. And I was like, I'm sick. And they were like, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to wait. And I was like, I have to go. And I was so scared that with any movement, any movement, if I move the wrong way, it could like break the seal through like the bottom of my sweatpants and it smells.

Like I have no idea. Oh my God, oh my God. And so I'm sitting there and I'm like, and I just get up and leave. I get up and leave. That's the move. And she says, and the teacher goes, the teacher goes, wait.

And as she's saying, wait, I just turned to the girl and I say, I go, I'll be right back. And I close the door, the teacher's like coming out. I run full speed, okay? I run to the bathroom real quick, see if I can fix the situation. It's unfixable, it's gone through my pants, it's in my, like it's probably seeped through the other side, it's unfixable, it's gone through my pants, it's in my, it's probably seeped through the other side.

It's unfixable, I don't know, first I throw away the pants and they're still like, I cannot be fixed. So I run full speed all the way home, all the way home. And for some reason, my mom is- Wait, wait, wait, you left the school just running? Yes, are you fucking kidding me? I had shit, and I lived close to the school. Okay, okay.

I lived in your underwear or what? No, I had my sweatpants back on, no underwear. Okay. And I remember I go home, I get home, somehow my mom was there, she's never there. She doesn't even work, my mom worked in another state. She's like, hi honey, the gardener's just leaving. Yeah.

We don't have a gardener. Yeah, I'm like, mom, we don't have, what? What's Bobby doing there? We're just friends. She's not sexually attracted to me, it's fine. It's a running, it was a bit. I don't like it, Bobby. Drop it, drop it, drop it. I've been defending you all day.

Was your mom mad at you? My mom immediately sends me back to school, doesn't even let me change. Well, you told her the situation? Yes, and she said, I don't care, you're going back to school. She said, I said, what's wrong with this woman? What's wrong with your mom, dude?

She goes, get back to school. She's probably fucking the gardener. Yeah, she was like, get back to school. So I had to go back to school. No, you go in the forest. Yeah, dude. I went back to school and I had missed that period. And somehow, I had actually had an extra pair of underwear

in my gym thing, because it was gym next. And I escaped, it was all good. But it was fully traumatizing. Wait a minute, the girl never found out you shit your pants? Never found out, but she broke up with me I think like two days later. She never found out?

Never found out. You need to retell that story and say she did find out. Okay. Um, she found out. Why? She found out I shit my pants. How? I thought it was heroic what I did.

Yeah. I thought it was heroic. No, you weren't, we did stories where we were embarrassed. What are you talking about? I was so, it was the most- She never knew! She never knew. All that stuff just was meaningless.

So it doesn't count? You just gave us a shit story. Yeah. It wasn't even about heartbreak. The shit section's at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so, so, shit. But that wasn't heartbreak.

Okay, well. So you never experienced real heartbreak. Yeah, yeah. No, he's never had it. He's never had it. And that's why he gets Selena Gomez. I know. We have had heartbreak.

We've had real heartbreak. Yeah. By the way, I asked out a girl, I asked a girl to fucking spring or, not prom, but like spring or one of those things, and she denied me, no thank you, this feels good. And then years later, hit me up online to come to like a show. I was playing a show in whatever city she lives in now,

and hit me up online, hey, we can't wait to see you at the show, can we get some tickets, da da da. And I never responded and it felt so fucking good. Really? To deny her, oh, it was such good payback. At one time I was at the San Diego American Comedy Company and the hot chicks from school, right? From San Diego.

My high school went. The ones that never even talked to me, right? And they're sitting there with their husbands, but they now all look like, you know what I mean, sperm whale. They've got barnacles on their face. Right? There's plankton all over, you know what I mean?

They don't look good, right? And they're just killing, you know what I mean? I'm looking at them, it feels so good. God, that feels good. I love it. It feels so good. My friend has the best story of that I've ever heard. So my good friend growing up,

we were all doing this thing. When you were younger, like, you know how like everyone's like first kiss, well, you don't know this part, but no, I'm just, I'm just saying, you said you didn't kiss him when you were 23. No, he kissed in high school. Oh, you kissed, okay. So do you remember?

It's unbelievable. It's outrageous. Wow. Just. It's, I've never seen it. He's just trying to be relatable. He's trying to relate. A big time producer comes in here

and it's just fucking. You know what I mean? I've defended you. No you haven't. Yes I have. Keep going. We'll let the crowd decide. Oh yeah.

Do you guys want to order your main course at some point? No, we're gonna go to a restaurant. What happened? What would you point? No, we'll get whatever restaurant. What happened? What would you like? A mayo. What do you want? I like his little mayo. Yeah, so your friend what?

Okay, so you know when you're experimenting, everyone's starting to experiment, we're all at one house together, and my friend is about to get the first hand job. All of us. Huge. Nobody's getting a hand job. He's about to get the first hand job. All of us. Nobody's getting a hand job. He's about to get the first one.

I'm not gonna say his name or her name. Famous person? No, what do you mean I'm 13? This is back home when he was a kid. I'm 13. I don't know, I'm not from LA. I don't know if I'm from Virginia. Oh, your attitude right now, Benny, okay?

I'm sorry, we. You hang out with the top. I'm sorry for off that question. I wasn't hanging out when I was 13. Oh, that's Benny, okay? I'm sorry, we- You hang out with the top. I'm sorry for that question. I wasn't hanging out when I was 13. Oh, that's right, okay. Okay, so I'm 13, my friend's about to get a hand job in rural- Is there flyers, or how do you know?

Um, there's flyers, there's flyers. And he took the little thing that says hand job, yeah. And so, he's about to get the hand job. We're all waiting outside the bathroom. They go into the bathroom, okay? And it's like, there's like rustling. And then there's laughing. The girl runs out and she goes like this.

No. And he says, and he's mortified, mortified. Cause we were all figuring out we're like in that stage where we're about to go through puberty. We're not sure. Like some of us had like hair and like our dick was still small. She's a girl, right?

So her pink is even smaller than a normal pink. Yeah, it's very small. Asian girl, no less. And he's traumatized. She leaves, everyone leaves. I said, you're gonna be fine. Nobody's even gonna remember this. We're gonna go to school tomorrow.

Everything's gonna be perfect. He kills himself, he kills himself. We get into school, we get to school, and there's a substitute teacher, and our substitute teachers were like so young, they were like college students, these girls like 21, and I guess someone had told her the thing. The sub?

The sub. And the sub's just like, is Mark here? Yeah, that's literally what she did. No, she goes, is blank here? And he was so embarrassed. He even, I remember that day. She did that? Yes, I remember that day.

Subs are rad. We were at home. We were at home and he was contemplating changing schools. Yeah. Changing schools. He should have done it. Yeah, genders. Okay.

So, okay. Yeah, we're so close already. I mean, fast forward. This man goes through puberty and his cock becomes huge. Love this. Huge. Oh, I love this one. Huge.

He's got like a, he's got a fucking python in his pants. It's thick, it's huge. It's big. How do you know? He knows. We all know. What do you mean how do you know? You know. Yeah, you know, you know. Everyone knows. We all know. What do you mean how do you know? You know.

Yeah, you know, you know. Everyone knows. Yeah, everyone knows. You know. You know. You know what you know. You fucking know. Okay, so he's in college.

He's at a party. Same girl. No. No. No, perfect. He fucks her. Sends her to the hospital. He fucks her.

Wow. And she's like, ah! Like, ah, ah! Wow. And she's like, ah! Wow. Ah, ah! And he's like, and he said it was like the best performance. He's like, usually I'm terrible at sex. He's like, it was the best performance I'd ever done.

Yeah. And he said, as he's leaving the next, she's like, ah, like the next day he's leaving, and he just goes, as he walks out. That's a movie. This is a movie. That's it. Never spoke to her again.

It's like that, how's them apples? Yeah. Right? Yeah. That scene. Yeah. Isn't that amazing? It's a true wonder story.

I've never had a wonder story. Have you ever had a wonder story? You live a wonder story. Yeah, what are you talking about? Your life is perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But not like that wonderful. We all know the guy.

We had a guy in my high school named Kyle. I'm not gonna say his last name. But they called him the elephant because he had a trunk in high school. He had a cock so big in gym class, you know, like you put on the school-issued gym shorts. And I'm not kidding with you, because they were short back in the day.

His penis, if he didn't put it away, would come out of the bottom of the gym shorts. It was fucking unreal. Here's another thing that I wanna tell people right now, I'm glad we're bringing this up, okay, and I would just FYI, anyone that sees me at WeSpa, right, don't recognize me, what do you think? You know what I mean?

I'm in this, you know, right, you're in a steam room, it's steamy, are you Bobby Lee? I'm like- They say that to you? Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. And you were all naked, right? And I always have to go, not here.

Not here. You say you're not Bobby Lee here, but you're Bobby Lee outside, or just don't talk? I'm Ken Jeong here. Yeah. And you were all naked, right? And I always have to go, not here. Not here. You say you're not Bobby Lee here, but you're Bobby Lee outside or just don't talk? I'm Ken Jeong here. Yeah. You're right. I'm Ken Jeong and then we'll go outside on Bobby Lee. My point is, is that it's one of those places,

like when you're eating at a restaurant where it's like, you don't do it here. If you're on a date or something. Right, but do you think naked in a spa is not a good place to recognize? It's not, yeah, that's crazy. Just wait till we're out in the locker room. Naked in a spa might be number one.

Number one. It's not to get recognized. Bathroom is weird too, when I'm like pissing your- Oh yeah, that- Yeah, yeah. Where a guy like comes up and hits you on the back. Touching you in the bathroom is insane. I hate that.

A guy, you know what happened to me the other day? It's happened to me so many times. The guy's just pissing and starts talking to me. And then after he talks to me, he gives me a high five with his dick hand. No, not necessary. It's not necessary. Don't need to do that.

I get picked up. Yeah, he gets lifted. In the back. Like a trophy, no, anywhere. Everywhere. From behind, they're like, hey, I won this or whatever. Why do they pick you up?

I'm small and I look like I can be picked up. He's pick upable. How tall are you? 5'3", 5'4". Oh. I'll tell you. How tall am I? You're 5'5". I'm 5 and I look like I can be picked up. How tall are you? Five three, five four. Oh, how tall am I? You're five five. I'm five five. Yeah.

Thank you, waiter. Yeah, can I honestly get your drinks? How tall are you? Six one. Yeah, he's tall. Yeah, it's good. You're good, that's good height, right? Well, a lot of people always say from the internet,

they don't know how tall we are because of the desks and stuff. And then they see us together and they're like, oh, then I thought you guys were the same size. Do you know in real life everyone says, you're so much shorter than I thought. Yeah, because they only see you on a screen standing up. You also look like Bob Dylan a little bit.

I do. You should have done that. Just a little bit. Can you sing like Dylan? Come on. Can't anyone? No, not like Chalamet did. Dude, I haven't seen the movie.

What? Did you see him on SNL? No. Fucking kill. He needs to die. What? Too talented. Oh, the kid is fucking amazing.

He's so fucking amazing. He is likable. Loveable. He's funny. Good looking. He can sing, play the guitar, act, what the fuck? I saw him on, I like that, call me by your name. That movie. Oh yeah, yeah. The movie from four years ago? That what the fuck? I saw him on, I like that, call me by your name. That movie.

Oh yeah, yeah. The movie from four years ago? That was the one. You didn't see the new movie he's in? No, I didn't see it. You didn't see the Dylan movie? I didn't see it yet. Dude, you're a musician.

Yes. You're so, you're so- I usually don't like those type of biopics. They're usually like kind of corny. Okay, I agree, right? But this one's not like that. This one is not fucking corny. Did you see the Elvis one? No. Did you see- The Elvis one was corny as fuck. Okay, did you, right? But this one's not like that. This one is not fucking corny. Did you see the Elvis one?

No. Did you see- Elvis one was corny as fuck. Okay, did you see it though? No, I didn't. Yeah, I saw it, but he is right. Did you see the Bohemian Rhapsody? That's the one I saw and I was like,

oh, I still can, I can, I'm like, I was right, I can't see these again. Cause that one was a little cornhole. Yeah, they're just like, they're, as someone who like, I really love like all documentaries, like Dylan's documentary, incredible. Incredible, you're right. And I love, for me, it's just like, I really love like all documentaries, like Dylan's documentary, incredible. Incredible, you're right. And I love, for me it's just like, okay,

the type of movies that turn me on and turn me off, like I don't love like those like super Hollywood biopic things. I don't love like action movies. They're not like my favorite type of- What do you watch? Nothing. Okay, I love like, I love a movie

that's gonna like rip my heart out. Or I love like a- Amelia Perez. Yeah, no. I didn't know, but I also love like Force of the Jor, Triangle of Sadness. Force of the Jor is so good. Yeah, yeah.

Triangle of Sadness is good. Yeah, yeah, I love those type of movies. Yeah, yeah. And I like- How about horror? I do like, I like some horror. Okay. Okay, you're good.

And I really like, what's it called? Cause horror's different than action. It's like more and I really like, what's it called? Cause horror's different than action. It's like more, it's like, action's like, like horror you're like, horror you're like, whoa, like they really did, it's not just like, like a really good horror movie is like so beyond. It's a mind fire.

Yeah, it's a- You've never seen Avengers? No. Oh, you won't? No, I've never seen any. You know any of the Avengers? No. Name me an Avenger.

I've never, I've don't even, I don't know. But you gotta know one of them. You gotta know the superheroes. You're called pop culture. So just guess an Avenger. What do you mean, get what? Okay, you're, okay, you're- What's an Avenger?

You're Nick Fury, right? You're like Samuel L. Jackson's character. Who the fuck's Nick Fury? He's just in it. You don't have to guess now, okay? I already just named him, right? Okay. And so now there's an emergency, right?

There's like Mexican aliens coming down. Okay. Right from the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Mexicans from the sky, right? Yeah. You need to get the Avengers. And you can hear their spaceship coming from a mile away.

Yeah, yeah. There's a thousand of them in there. Yeah, yeah. Wait. Yeah, yeah. And you're saying who's the actor? Hey, what? You're saying who's the actor?

No, no, no. You have to call the actual superhero. So who you call it? I'm your sidekick. I work for you. Spider-Man? Is he an Aven app? No, no, no, you have to call the actual superhero. So who you call it? I'm your sidekick. I work for you. Spider-Man? Is he an Avenger? Yes, yes, call Spider-Man, call Spider-Man.

Yeah, call Spider-Man. Okay. Who else? I've only seen one Spider-Man. I know, let's go to the Avengers. We're back in the Curie. I don't know any Avengers. Just try to guess, throw it out.

Okay, the Hulk. Yes, so you do know. Yeah, you know. Wait, really? Yeah. I just guessed two, are they actually Spider-Man and the Hulk? They're in the Avengers, yeah.

Yes. You could name any one of them, you'd probably get it right. Get just guessed two, are they actually Spider-Man and the Hulk? They're in the Avengers, yeah. Yes. You could name any one of them, you'd probably get it right. Get it right. Those are the- That's it? That's all you know. Wolverine.

That's it, he is Marvel Universe, not an Avenger. I've only seen- Copyright. I've only seen, I think I've only seen one Marvel movie. Which one was it? Spider-Man then, it's gotta be. Oh, is that Marvel? Okay, then I saw the seen one Marvel movie. Which one was it? Spider-Man, it's gotta be. Oh, is that Marvel? Okay, then I saw the original Spider-Man. With Tobey Maguire.

Yeah, I saw that one. Okay. And then, oh, I've seen two. I saw the one, the animated one. The open verse or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw that. Okay.

And I went with someone's kid to that one. Like we all went. Let's clarify that story. Yeah. And then like so obviously you've never heard, you've never seen any Star Wars or anything like that either then. When I was a kid, I saw Star Wars in school.

Like we had to watch it in school. But that's the only time you saw it. Only time I've ever seen it. That's so fascinating. I've never seen Lost, I've never seen. That's nothing to do with fucking Superhero. No, no, I thought JJ Abrams. I never saw Glengarry Glen Ross.

No, JJ Abrams made Lost too. What? JJ Abrams did make Lost. He did Lost, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. He made some Star Wars. Right, okay. Yeah. Oh, okay, and then I've never seen,

what's another big, one of those movies? All right, so Lord of the Rings. Never seen it. Wow. Harry Potter. I've never seen that. I like Harry Potter. I've never seen Game of Thrones.

Wow. Not one episode? I just one episode when Ed Sheeran was at my house and he wanted to stream it because he was in the episode. It was the only episode I ever saw. So let's say I'm a girl, right? You break up with Selena, which is gonna happen eventually,

but my point is that, I'm kidding. And I'm like, I'm at your house, I was like, what do you wanna watch? What would we watch together? Me and you? Yeah, yeah. As guys?

No, as I'm a girl, don't say that, with some hot girl. This is Mustard. Yeah, I'm Mustard. No, Mayo's cousin. I would say, yeah, yeah. What would you watch? I would say, let's watch Amelia Perez, I miss my wife. She was good in that, I heard.

Yeah, she's great. You still have to suck him now? She is. While you watch Amelia Perez. I can't even get a commercial agent. Yeah, Mustard doesn't get a lot of work in this town. And I love, I really love like the slapstick comedy that's just gonna mind this.

Oh, Naked Gun. Yeah, I love that. Airplane. Yeah, I love that. Andplane. Airplane. Yeah, I love that. And I also love like, I love like, like early days of Seth was so good. I loved Superbad, all that shit. All right, right. Love that.

And then, and then yeah, otherwise I want to watch like an indie, like my mom took me, when I was a kid, I was watching like, we were going to see like the squid and the whale, like you know what I mean? It wasn't like. All right, how about this? Have you seen all the way through Sopranos?

Of course. Don't fucking of course me, dude. You said a lot of weird- Yeah, because based on shit. Okay, okay. My family, very important shows growing up that we watched as a family, we watched Sopranos, The Wire, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Seinfeld. That's great. That's great.

Those were our, and my parents both have pretty good taste in stuff. I'm also obsessed oh, I'm just like, I forgot like how good Cape Fear was. I'm so, oh my God. And I was just, I was going through like, all my favorite movies and like all like, you know, like a Bronx tale, all those, I was like, oh, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like,

I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like,

I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I forgot like how good Cape Fear was. I'm so, oh my God. And I was just, I was going through like all my favorite movies and like all like, you know, like a Bronx Tale, all those old movies. Like those movies are so perfect. Bronx Tale's so good. All of them, all of them.

What's your favorite gangster movie? Probably either Casino or Goodfellas. That's everyone's, that's everyone's too. Casino, Casino. Which one though? Casino More, Casino More. I just love it. I always loved it.

What do you guys think of Untouchables? It's good. It is good. But it's not. It's not at the level. All right, let's end smoothly because he's gotta go. Because the sweetheart's gotta go. Okay.

Why are you looking at me like that? He's a pro. I don't know what the fuck you're doing, Penny. That's why I'm looking at you. I have an album coming out. Woo! With My Better Half. We! With my better half. We're doing a joint album.

Yeah, dude. Clap more for her, not me. Yeah, we are. Yeah, we are. Okay, good. Good, yeah, don't clap for me. Selena and Benny dropping an album. Yeah.

What's it called? Selena and Benny? It's called Selena and Benny. Really? No. Wait, wait, wait, let's guess the album. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay. You guys each get three guesses. Okay. That's impossible. What do you mean? Anything's possible. It's possible. All right, Kentucky Lightning.

That's it. That's really good. That's it. That's really good. How did he get it? That's really good. No, it's not Kentucky Lightning. No, it's gotta be a duo name. It's her and him.

So it's gotta be like... Almond and nutcake. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is just our... You have two now. Wait, this is just, it's the album title. We're going as separate entries. Yeah, we're doing album cover. It's just be like... Almond and nut cake. No, no, no, no, no. This is just our, you have two now. Wait, this is just, it's the album title. We're going as separate ends.

Yeah, we're doing album cover. It's just the title. Album cover. So I gave two. Yeah, don't give me one. Now you give two. Fontina cheese. Close.

Fuck. Okay, you do one more. Crushed veneer. Okay. Can I do one more? Yeah. Isabella, Isabella, not in this lifetime. I like that one.

That's beautiful. Pretty good, right? Is that yours? Yours is that's beautiful? Yeah. No, that was gorgeous. Oh, okay. Isabella, Isabella, not in this lifetime is pretty good.

Your album is gonna be called Wondermint. Yeah. What is it? It's called, I said I love you first. Change it. Change it to Isabella, Isabella. I do think it's better. Can we change it?

I think you should change your album to Shitpants and Gomez. Yeah, yeah. Which one? So when does the album drop? I think it's already out by the time it's out. It's out right now. It's out right now, go check it out on everything. This is the future.

Yeah. It's already out. Well, this is, we are living in the future. But is it hard to work with your fiance or no? He's been doing it for 20 years. Is it? No, no, no, no, but it wasn't. Romantically.

Yeah, it wasn't romantically before. Well, what is it now? Romantically. No, but.'t romantically before. Well, what is it now? Romantically. No, but- It didn't change the work relationship. Well, no, no. You guys just hook up mid-session? Yeah, we're just mid-session hook up.

No, it's actually better because we can, I know her so well now. We can say, we can speak so freely to each other and like really, you know, if we're like sitting in bed, I'll be like, oh, actually that thing we did earlier, I thought it'd be better if we did it like this. And then she'll be like, oh, like I either like that or I don't. And we can just talk about it.

Some things you might, you might walk on eggshells a little bit more when you're working with artists you don't necessarily know that well. And I think it's so much better. And we've been able to like, you can say whatever you want. Like you can talk about, there's no rule. Like it's like, you know how in comedy, like you might say a joke that's something

that you would never say in real life, but it's the art of the joke. That's why you're saying it. Like it's not how you actually feel about a person, but you're saying it because you think it's funny. In music, it's the same thing. You can say something, like let's say I was talking about someone from my past, or she's talking about

someone from her past in a song, if you can talk about that way more than talking about, you know what I mean? So it's like therapy. I found it to be much easier to work with her than I've worked with anybody else, I think. I found it to be much easier to work with her than I've worked with anybody else, I think. Wow. Go listen to the album.

You sold me on it. I gotta tell you, shitpants, you sold me, bud. Thanks. And we love you, and you're welcome back anytime. Go check my new album, Isabella, Isabella. Shitpants, what is it? Isabella, Isabella. I forgot.

You forgot? Yeah, because I wanna say something real, though. Can I say something real to you You forgot? Yeah, because I want to say something real though. Can I say something real to you, buddy? Yeah, you can say something. We didn't know much about you before. Yeah. I really like you, man. You're such a nice guy, intelligent.

I think we have a lot in common. I don't know about that one. No, I think so too. We're the underdogs. We're the underdogs, and you're winning, and I love it. You're winning. Yeah, so give Benny a round of applause, everybody. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Woo, yeah. Woo, yeah. Woo, yeah. Woo, yeah. Woo, yeah.