Bad Friends - From the Bottom of My Happy Heart

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

Thank you... https://www.shipstation.com/ code: BADFRIENDS & http://betterhelp.com/badfriends & Beach Body test BADFRIENDS to 303030 Watch on YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Bad Friends is a comedy podcast with hosts Bobby Lee & Andrew Santino. More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership

It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob? Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started We're bad friends. Johnny come home from the war. You are miss come home to daddy. Daddy miss you so much. Baby come home. Baby you're loved. Baby you died. Wow. He died. Johnny died in the song. Johnny died in the song? Yeah, he was in the war and he he had some sort of gangrene on his leg because he stepped on an IED He stepped on an IUD or an IED? IUD He stepped on a birth control. Not a bomb. Oh, he stepped on a birth control thing. Yeah. Yeah, that's why I got gangrene. Wow

IED it would have been blown off Yeah, but IUD stepped on a birth control. Yeah I'm wondering if you were in because I see a lot of war movies and I feel like in like the movie Platoon Mm-hmm. You would be the Kevin Dillon character. Sure You would like make a Vietnamese guy hop up and down on one leg. Yep, and dance. Yep And you'd be the guy that like you're like with the guy that like the other platoon soldiers go Oh, did you see what Andrew did? Mm-hmm back in the village. Yeah, he tortured that little Korean boy. He raped a baby. No

Yeah, he raped a baby. No, I didn't. He was just he walked into the hut He picked up the baby and he just started having sex with the baby. I wouldn't have sex with that. I would throw it I might throw it or kick it I might throw it or kick it. Yeah, Bob. Have you been lighting? Have you been lighting cigarettes with a like a campfire lighter? Yeah, like a torch lighter. Yep. Why do you not have a regular lighter? I can't find them. I Can't find them. I can't find them anywhere in the house. That little song, baby, come home I really like that. You do. Is that a is that an old? Is that a thing that we should know? No, I just made it up Oh, wow. Yeah, I just make up songs because it sounds like an old classic. Yeah, beautiful Korean. Yeah, like we have an old

There's an old Irish There's an old Irish one weeks a single old Irish folklore type song. Well, but it's this is it's translated because it's it's in Gaelic But this is what oh shit like a gypsy shit. Yeah, but in English it says this they go There once was a lad who drank to don't laugh Why are you laughing? I'm trying to give you a piece of my culture in my history Whatever that, you know, it's like whatever you watch like the Game of Thrones or any of those kind of movies and the or the hobbit or Lord The Ring sure and then like, you know, I mean a hobbit will start singing in a fucking auditorium Uh-huh. I used to start laughing. It's so dumb. Hey, hey

Keep going. There once was a lad who drank too much. He'd never be alive again Whiskey and beer and whiskey again Never will he see a friend. Yeah, he laid to rest. He did his best All right, he fought when they asked him to a Drunk but a good man Overall, thank goodness. He wasn't a Jew It's a good song it rings true today. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's evergreen. It's evergreen evergreen song from the evergreen country my good friend like those kind of

Those kind of things like if you're watching I don't know what Jean or what time period is but where they used to have bars like traveling bar Yeah, traveling bars. Yeah, they would tell stories and sing those were like the Beatles and you know, I mean Yeah, those were like they were like half Beatles and half like comic. What was that? What was that? Um, What was that movie? It was like seven short films. What was that called? There's so many. No, the one it just came out a couple years ago seven short films No, one of the film one of the short films was about a man who traveled the country with no limbs telling stories Oh, yeah, I did see that. I why can't I think of the name of that? What was that? Oh, so good

It was a horror movie. It was like the Halloween, right? No, no, no, this was like um, oh, dude This is good. Yeah, okay. Yeah, what yeah, he had no limbs and he was a trap He would travel a town-to-town and a guy would take care of him. Yeah, but the guy was using him. Yeah, exactly Yeah, what was that? Ballad of Buster Scruggs. Does that sound stupid? Is that way off? I? Would never watch a movie wait what's a ballad of Buster Struggs You know what we're talking about get in the microphone doesn't know anything by the way We have our we have what's T2 is uncle. What's niece? What niece? Yeah, what's nice? What's nice? Oh, my god, but that's a

Bagu Wanggung Is that right? Bagu Wanggung Bagu Wanggung Bagu Wanggung Bagu Wanggung So that's by the way ballot of Buster Scruggs was the correct title of that movie ballad of Buster Scruggs I was right. It was a coin the coin brothers made that it was seven short little vignettes Oh, that's like that's all right. It was very good. I saw that. Yeah, it was very good That's about the traveling guy. Wait a minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I don't want to skip over that Bagu Wanggung, but say it slow so I can hear it

Pug oh, oh Mung Mung Pug oh Mungkung Pug oh Mungkung Pug oh Mungkung Every time I do it, it sounds like the computer that translates it Pug oh Mungkung and what and what language is that? Visayan. What's Visayan? It's in Cebu in the island of the Philippines

Whoa It's fucking mythic. There's history. So let me ask you something Jules I know you don't like talking but um in the Philippines so every island has their own language Not always get closer to the mic. Yeah, you have to get close to the mic so we can hear you Not always because in Manila you have Tagalog yeah, and some other islands also speak Tagalog. Oh, I see. What's the most common language in the Philippines? Um, Tagalog. Tagalog? Yeah, Tagalog. Yeah. Yeah, but can you understand like if somebody's speaking Tagalog? Yeah, I can understand. You can understand it, but can you speak it?

Um, I'm okay with it. I'm not an expert. Yeah It's like if we went to it's just like like we go to the south and no we lived it went to Nevada or something And then they had it or maybe not Nevada. No, like the south if you are the south the south the south You go to New Orleans in New Orleans, and then they had a completely different language that we didn't understand but now in New Orleans that the Like in New Orleans, though, what is it called the Cree like when they do real Creole? Yeah, yeah, but I don't know All that stuff's hard to hear. Look at it. Tell me if you can understand what this says. Tell me if you can understand this one What am I saying here?

Eerojo miro elau naru Eero miro elau naru Do you hear any of that that's that's in Tagalog. That's how are you doing today? What? Yeah? Yeah? Eerojo miro elau naru Do you hear any of that? That's that's in Tagalog. That's how are you doing today? What? Yeah, Eerojo miro elau naru Yeah, I don't think it's right. It's not you don't think that's right at all. She's how are you? It's Kumustaka That sounds like Spanish. How about how about this? What's this one? Purushangam Purushangam. No, nothing. Nothing. God. What is this app fucking Google?

It's nothing. Maybe try Filipino instead of Tagalog, but they don't have Filipino on there No, they could Tagalog is the most common one on the language translate one Do you ever when you go to another place though and you try to conversate with someone? Do you use English as the as the middle ground? I've only I've only went to the middle ground I've only I've only went to like Bohol and Kamotas and they speak Visayan my language Oh, they speak your language. When I go to Manila, I speak English because I'm not good with Tagalog Do most people in Manila speak English?

They do but they don't they're not good at it Right. Yeah, you're really good at it. When did you start taking English? Ever since I was young because they the schools teach English Yeah, with hopes that you guys are gonna get out Or maybe you know the concubine life. Yeah, sometimes like you know the X packs or whatever You know the older, you know, I mean white dudes white dudes are there Yeah, the dudes and they want to you mean bang bang, you know what 90 day fiance is Do you know what that television show is? Oh, it's wonderful. Yeah, it's so good

It's so good and these men are trying to go marry A lot of Filipino women that come across on the show and they want they marry them So they get to the United States But you know there's something about you know, I've seen that show before There's something about like an average or kind of an uglier white dude And then they go to a country like that and they come back with a real hottie I get angry Why? I don't know why

They come back because those women just want somewhere to live I know They're basically sex slaves They're sex slaves Yeah They have sex with these weird white dudes that are like they just looking for a wife There's this old series on HBO called Autopsy

You ever see those? No Oh, you have HBO Go or anything? Yeah, yeah Alright, so go to the documentary section Autopsy It's called Autopsy And they were made in the early 90s or 90s

They're incredible Because they show real bodies and stuff No Yeah, back in the day, yeah But it's like they're all frenzicky, you know Case files But it's all case files on like on cold cases or on No, on real cases that they solved through forensics

Oh, they've been solved It was like the first show of that kind Whoa And they had this film, this white man Gross Exactly And his young Filipino wife, right Suddenly dies, right

They find her like a hand You know, I love it when they find the hand first They'll find a hand sticking out of the ground Yeah And then they don't know what to do It's always a jogger Right So I was out in the early morning and I know I saw a hand

Yeah I hate when they do You know what, if I died, right Yeah I want to die in a mysterious way in that way Where they find my hand in a field But then like a year later, they find like an ear In like an island, a fly

And then a foot in Antarctica Why don't we just spread your body parts all over the world All over the world so they don't know what the fuck happened Just one Bobby Lee eye sticking out Yeah, yeah Just your eye out of an eye of ice I know Yeah

And then so that it always remains Yeah, autopsy But then it turns out like he's always He always does that Like he has had four other Filipino wives Over her, his life And he killed them That mysteriously died or disappeared

It's disgusting Yeah, so they, you know Was he American? He's, oh, it's always an older white dude I know, but dude, a lot of British, there was a British dude In the news in Bristol, maybe it was called Yeah 39, 39 women and children that he had killed

Did all this screwed up shit too 39 and he got away with it forever He basically wanted to get caught at some point Yeah These weird old white dudes, they get these foreigners Like that Yeah Because they can't, you know, they can't, what are they gonna

Yeah, but you know what? They're stuck That kind of behavior is everywhere though Yeah, I know Because remember the Japanese kid, there was a Japanese kid He went to school, he comes from a rich Japanese family A powerful Japanese family And he went to a school, a boarding school or a college

Or whatever, he was a foreign exchange student in Sweden or whatever And he ate a Swedish girl Oh, yes He ate her And then he's now in prison But his family is so powerful that he got out And now he's just roaming free Imagine like he's in a Japanese bargaining drunk, right?

Yes And people are telling stories, you know what I mean? And he gives this always top everyone else's Yeah Oh, yeah? Oh, you ate a mongoose once? Oh, yeah? I ate, you know what I mean?

A white Swedish lady Everyone's like, oh, that's impressive Yeah To eat a white Swedish girl And get away with it? I love that Money, power, respect Yeah

Oh, Bob, speaking of which Yeah How cool is this? Whatever, anyway Say thank you Thank you Say thank you to Ted Mons, he did this This is awesome, right?

That really is dope This is very cool Can you see it on camera? Can you see it? Yeah How do you say cool in... She's not fucking... She's a bright girl

She's my little Google translate She's a bright girl How do you say cool, thank you Thank you How do you say thank you? Oh, you Filipinos don't say thank you Salamat Salamat

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Bad friends is the code Shipstation.com Make ship happen Better help Is there something interfering With your happiness Or preventing you from achieving your goals? Better help will access your knees

And match you with your own Licensed professional therapist Let me see this right now, okay? Yeah Jules, did you not do it, Jules? Yeah And then when you did better help And you talked to your therapist

What happened? I cried for like six hours In my bedroom That's good And she felt lighter And happier afterwards Better help is incredible I can feel a change

And a shift in her No, seriously Clients all over the world If you really need someone To talk to This is incredible You can log in anytime Anywhere and message your counselor

When you really need it the most Let's be honest Bob and I have talked about it We all have vulnerabilities You need to talk to someone When you're going through something Regardless of what it is It literally

Therapy has saved my own life Fact It's a fact And I wouldn't be here today Without it I agree No, seriously It is something that we should take serious

And we should also be proud to say We all do therapy That's a good thing Jules did it I did it Bob did it It's more affordable than traditional Offline counseling

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Bad friends So Jules When she was on last People started hitting Trying to become her friend On Instagram Ew, really? Yeah

Her shit's on private I don't think she wants to If you're listening right now I don't think she wants to Befriend people But we created another Instagram page for her Oh, what is it?

What is it? Bad Friend Rudy It's called Bad Friend Rudy Bad Friend Rudy So you can go on Instagram Go to Bad Friend Rudy And that's when Then you have control

Over that page No, she does But we're going to Use that as No DPs, fellas No DP, she's young She's disgusting No DPs

But girls, send your boobs Send boobs to her account That's fine Speaking of that So I sent you that I don't want to mention it Because I don't want to get Yanked off of Instagram

But I sent you that Handle on Instagram, right? Yeah So did you watch those videos? I watched every single One of them three times Right And I sent it to everybody

What do you mean? You don't want to mention it So it doesn't It's obviously That if people find out About that handle That they're going to yank it But I imagine

That whoever makes up That account For people that don't know We're being so vague There's an account online That shows the most Fucked up as an understatement It's insane

Yeah It's crazy shit But it's not private It's not private And the first You can't Why not? Because I love it so much

I don't want to get yanked But these These constantly get yanked And they reupload Then they constantly get yanked That's how it goes How long are we going to find it The next time?

Well, let me see how long For a while Isn't it insane That you automatically know It's a guy? Yeah One of the videos Or one of the little lives

Is you know It has a little retarded boy Having sex with a car He's just He's fucking the front of a car Yeah So his dick is going inside The fender

No, no It's inside the emblem The car emblem Oh, the emblem Right It's insane Yeah It's between the T

And the O And then There's another guy Fucking a pony A donkey A donkey Yeah, I don't know the difference You know

Yeah, no, I know It's all the same as to me Yeah, okay, I'm looking I'm looking right now Right, we can't It's been around for a while But if we say If we say what it is

We can't Alright But I sent that Now you know Who your real allies are In comedy Because I sent it to a public

Twelve comics Sure Some of them And I'm not kidding you Their texts back were like Almost like we're done Like not cool Like, hey man

We're not friends anymore Why? I don't know what it is It's like for me Can you tell me who said They didn't like it? Well, I can tell by Them not responding

Yeah, yeah Right? Yeah So David Spade Well, that makes sense Yeah, yeah Spade not responding makes sense Yeah, yeah

He wouldn't like something like that Yeah, but in my head I thought he would A video of a Of a handicapped boy Fucking a car Yeah And a lot of them are like

Brutal fistfights Fistfights Fistfights Fistfucking You know, there's one video That made me laugh so fucking hard There's a big, muscly dude And he's taped a dildo

To his computer table And he's blowing it And his mom walks in And she just goes Ah And walks out Yeah He's deep-throating

Like a 14-inch dildo That one made me laugh so hard But Delia called Texted me yesterday He goes I don't like this dude He doesn't like stuff like that And I'm like, what?

There's a guy fucking a horse I go It's comedy, babe It's a comedy, it's a bit Yeah, people have a string threshold Some people don't like stuff like that Why? It's because they

They didn't grow up Joking around with stuff like that So they don't like it now Do you know what I mean? You had to like weirdo shit When you were a kid To like weirdo shit as an adult Comedically

Yeah, I mean I've peed on people In my life Yeah I've I've peed on people Not me That's fine

That's fine To each his own You've peed just on a human? Yeah, I've peed on In a sexual matter? Oh, no Just like in a No, no

What? In a revenge? Yeah, like one time I think I peed on Ari Shafir's foot That's fine But then he shit all over my car That's cool Yeah, so it's like

I've always been into those kind of games Shit for chat Tiff for tat I get that Yeah, I've peed on things But my point is I've come down things What's the weirdest thing you've come down?

Like an object Well, um Recently Cause I have I'm doing this no Fuck Close your Cause she lives with me

Close your ears No, she's fine Just close your eyes At least close your eyes So you can't see here No, so I So I don't I can't believe I'm saying this

I can So, you know I've been doing this No pornography thing Yeah I haven't watched any pornography I know So you say

I haven't And how long though Has it really honestly Two months Has it been going on that long Oh, yeah Really, Bob? No breaks

Here's how crazy it is It's getting to the point where When I was in the Middle East With Sebastian Monoscalco And Eric Griffin You can't get porn on You know what I mean On the internet there

They don't have porn They block all of it No Middle Eastern porn No If you're in the Middle East Like you're in Saudi Arabia Here You're in Saudi Arabia

You have to jerk off to the thought of porn Yes That's wild But even then It hadn't been long enough Right So I couldn't do it with my mind But it's been so long now

I can do it with my mind You can jerk off with your mind Yes That's insane Yeah You can get fully hard Without looking at anything sexual Without anything

And I can do it with my mind I'm resetting my brain Right But so sometimes I'm in the bathtub And I'll come Right I just

I feel I feel like you're not open right now And I feel like you're doing something Hey look at me No I'm an open book right now It doesn't feel open It feels cool

Put all your words inside of me I'm a book with no No words Alright I'm open pages Yeah And so I'll come And then the sides of the bathtub

Yeah I'll just wipe the comb on there Hmm Jules Do you ever take a bath in there? No Not anymore Never again

She has her own bathtub Why don't you Why don't you put it somewhere else? I don't know Why on the sides? You have to clean that Do you not clean that? Do you clean it right when you get out?

You leave it A little dry bit Yeah Hmm Wait you let it dry Yeah Bob Why?

Do you jerk off underwater? Yeah You like it underwater? Aquaman style Yeah That's fun Little bubbles coming up Yeah

Momoa style See I can't I can't water and I don't get along Why? I don't jerk off in the water I can't fucking the water I don't like it Oh it feels good

If you ever stand This is the best feeling Hmm Okay so here's another story That she doesn't know And nobody knows When I was in the Philippines We stayed at this hotel

Called The Crimson And so Kalyla and Her family would be like We're gonna go to You know Go hiking in the mountains Hmm And I'd be like

I'm sick I feel good You guys go Right So they would go And in the back of this Hotel room Is this pool in the back

Like It's a really nice hotel Sure And we have our own individual Pools Swimming pools They're the size of this table Right

And they don't go deep So you just stand there And then The water goes up to your Like sides like this Right And I would put an iPad there And I would just

I would just Feverishly Masturbate in the water Right Oh, God And that was your favorite thing to do It's because For some reason when you're doing this

In the water You know what I mean Yeah, splashing around Yeah, it's creating this Like, you know what I mean A little masturbatory wave A little frack Friction or whatever

Right Right, water friction Do you come underwater Do you pull it above the water? Yeah In the water Oh, yeah So you let it swim

Why not? That's why it came from water Inside my body Yeah, it did Yeah That makes sense You would feverishly jerk off Inside of there

How many times? I don't know When you guys went hiking And all that stuff There was a lot of time That didn't go, right? Yeah So next time I'm like that

Remember, I'm in a swimming pool Jerking off Jerking off So don't swim in that swimming pool Do you know this about him? All this stuff? No Yeah

Are you embarrassed about your Tito? Or no? No No, you're okay with it? Yeah Okay Yeah That's fine

That's fine Look, everyone has their kink Everyone's kink That's your little kink You like jerking off in the water When no one's around During quarantine I just, I'm not gonna

I'm gonna let it go Yeah You gotta let your mind go What have you been doing? Well, speaking of sexual kink Genuinely, this has been on my mind for a while I watched Louis C.K. special Oh, I haven't seen it yet

You didn't watch it? No Okay Is it good? Yeah, it's wonderful It's fucking wonderful Whoa, all right It's wonderful

Is it funny? It's very, very funny, dude How do I watch it? I'm gonna watch it tonight You go to Louis C.K.'s Go to his website You can buy it from his website Really?

Yeah It's like $7.99 or something like that Oh, cool I watched it with a buddy of mine We FaceTimed and watched it together I was interested to see how he felt about it And how it was, you know, it was one of those like Let me see what he does

Dude, it was awesome It was fucking awesome It was heartfelt It was tough It was funny He broaches the subject of the sexual stuff A little bit at the end Could have been more

I think it would have been funnier If it was a little bit more Or a little bit more real When he opens, though He doesn't mention it at all When he opens Yeah, the first thing out of his mouth I mean, I don't want to fucking

I don't want to fucking Give me the opening thing The opening line is Did anybody else have a really fucked up Last two years or whatever You know, something like that Like, how was your last two years? Did anybody else have the worst

Last two years of their life? That kind of shit Yeah, and so right up the bat You laugh because you're like Yeah, this guy's shit was fucked up Then he tells you Kind of the tribulations of what's gone on In the past couple of years

And the very end of the special He talks about the incidents He has his version, his spin of it I'm interested to see what you think about it It was very fucking funny The honest truth is that He was one of those guys that I always watched Worked out

I was there when he showcased for Mitzi No way Yeah, so he had already done his First HBO special Right, and I go Fuck, Louisa K's here That special was very good Very funny

Yeah The half hour Yeah Really good And I sat next to Mitzi And he goes up there And admitted in She yells out

I'm not kidding you Light him He doesn't have it Shut up And I turn to Mitzi And I go Mitzi, he has an HBO special He doesn't have it

I'm falling asleep Holy shit Right And he kind of walks off And then I didn't see him For many, many years He never came back No

He was kind of like the Seinfeld, too Seinfeld, you know that story, right? Haven't I told you that story? Yeah, I have another one, too Go ahead About Seinfeld, though You know what happened? No, George Lopez, too

But go ahead Seinfeld didn't Mitzi didn't like him for some reason Said he was not, not funny But something that she didn't like Maybe he was too clean or something I don't remember Seinfeld told this story himself

This is from his mouth He came back to the store Probably five, six, five years ago Four years ago And he hadn't been in for ever He told the story He said He said the reason I hadn't been in so long

Is Mitzi told me that Basically I wasn't good enough Or wasn't funny enough for this place And I just toured And did other comedy elsewhere And then he got the show Okay Seinfeld became a massive hit

One of the biggest Arguably the biggest comedy hit In the history of television Yeah And they used to have a house on Kings Road Or the Queens Road House That's where Mitzi lives Right

And Jerry bought a house Above their house Literally Just above the house Right up on the hill Above the house And he said every day He would drive in one of his porches

Down to CBS Radford And he would slow down on purpose To see if any of the shores were outside To say hello To let him know To let them know I'm just I'm just coming from up there

Just coming from above Right above you Going back down Just to like Because Jerry has that kind of You never went into Mitzi's house, huh? No You know what used to happen was

When Mitzi was sick At the end of The first run of the first time She got sick Sean Halpin Who is a comedian I know Sean Used to live in my apartment with us

Used to live with us Your roommates It was temporary No, not really Because we had two roommates And he was just kind of living with us For a short period of time Until he was going to get a new place

And Sean Invited me a few times He's like, do you want to go over there? He used to help her Like a bunch of other comics Help her With a lot of stuff That I don't want to mention

Because nobody's fucking business But I couldn't do it It's just something about it Gave me the I couldn't go over to her home And be while she's really sick And I never saw her like that It's imagine

It's like And I love Mitzi But it's imagined Because I've been to her house Maybe ten times in my life Okay And it's almost as if You know how

Like because we were We opened up with like Castles and Bards This podcast Yeah So imagine in a world where There was a kingdom Or you know

And there was a king But they always have a sage Right Or a wizard Right Right Imagine just Living amongst the peasants

Right Sure And then some guy in a cloak Comes up to you and goes The wizard would like to see you Right And then you went to the wizard's tower I love it

Right And you don't know what the fuck Because you don't know anything About wizardry You're scared of it You're scared of magic You're just a peasant You're making rice and wheat

Or whatever Right That's what you do Right And then the wizard tells you Some sort of spell Or new concoction Or he does some sort of trick

Right And then you're scared You think you're going to die Right Or you know what I mean You don't know why he wants you there Right Right

That's what it was like That's what it felt like Because when you walked in The walls of her house Were black Like the comedy store Yeah You thought that

You know what I mean Maybe there's some sort of like Reasons comedy wise Why the club is all in black Right Right, do you ever think that? Because you go to any comedy club It's usually brick

And there's colors Well, there's some sort of texture to everything Right But the comedy store's completely black Yeah, it's pitch black The ceiling's painted black Right And also like maybe red neon

Love the red Right, so it's almost as if it's like Darth Maul's costume Yeah It is It is It's like Darth Maul's costume The comedy store

But her house But then she had a room Where people would go in there and massage her That was completely pink All pink Yeah, so imagine going through a blackish house And then there's this room that's brightly pink Wow

And she's in there One time I was at Thanksgiving with my So Paulie goes, dude Paulie goes, dude You gotta have Thanksgiving with the family, right? And I go, no, Paul, because I'm with my brother Steve And we're gonna do

We're gonna go somewhere else I think we're gonna go to the Stinking Rose We're gonna go to the Stinking Rose So we already have a play No, dude Nah, bro, you gotta come over Right And they had already ate

Like dinner was over No, I mean, they had started eating at two I know it's four But you know how you go with white people's Thanksgiving And the food's still out? Yeah, it's cold Well, no, we leave it out Yeah, don't leave it out

It's for seconds Don't leave it out They just keep eating it Don't leave it out So my brother and I go over to the house And we have our plates And we're putting this cold turkey You know what I mean?

Yeah, and you know what I mean? And cranberry And Mitch is sitting at this table Wooden table, right? Around circular table And the only two seats that are open, right? Are next to her Damn

Right? And so I'm like, I have to sit there Right So I'm sitting there And I go, how's it going, Mitch? He said, good Happy Thanksgiving Right?

So I'm just talking to my brother I swear to God, this happens And I hear this I'm eating out here This noise Right? Yeah And I go, what the fuck's that noise?

We'd never hear a noise like that You wonder Yeah, what is it? Yeah, yeah And I turn over And look at Mitchy Her foot On the table

Shut up And her nails are so long She's going No Her foot is on the fucking dinner table And she's doing this And she's doing this On the fucking table, right?

No Try to enjoy a cold turkey dinner With fucking You know what I mean? Cold gravy And cranberry sauce What did you say? What are you doing?

You can't say shit Do you try it? You just put your foot up And try it right next to her Because my nails aren't long enough Her nails were like You know how old people They just fucking grow it

And they curl And it curls around the fucking toe Yeah She was doing that with it And I look over And I look at Mitchy And I look back at my brother And then all of a sudden

There was a countdown in my head Of how long When to get out Yeah, when to get out Yeah, so that was How long did you stay? I think for another 15 minutes And you were like, we gotta go

We have to get the fuck out Yeah, we had reservations Somewhere or whatever But yeah, that was like But that's kind of like going into the You're going into the The Queens Palace, right? But like many things

You don't know that you don't Really want to be there sometimes That's like all those things It's like When you get to meet someone Or go to a cool house party You think it's going to be cool Yeah

It's always the opposite of what you want Yeah I always thought The one time it turned out to be What I thought it was going to be To be very honest How many years ago? God, I don't know

Seven, maybe? Six? Seven? I went Miley Cyrus Somehow through unexplained events We went to her house For her Halloween party And in my mind I was like

This is going to let me down For sure Like without a doubt I'm going to have an idea of this And they're going to know That I'm a nobody and kick me out Before you go A comic always has that thought

You have to We don't feel like we belong We feel like it's almost a fraud To me You're a fraud and they're going to tell you In your mind You know somebody's going to go Why is he here?

Yeah I feel like And the whole party's going to go Oh, why are you here? Yeah I remember just real quick Delia and I were at a CAA Christmas party And his first opening line

Delia Yeah, successful Yeah, very You know, he goes Do I look like I belong here? No Yeah Was this recently?

A couple of years ago? Maybe a year ago Wow And I'm like Yeah, you're fine Do I look like I belong here? He's like, yeah But it's like

And that's when I knew That we all have We all feel that way Yeah So go ahead Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus is having a Halloween party Yeah

We get invited through a friend of a friend Because of whatever Nobody's business I show up And I'm not kidding When I say the backyard Of that girl's house Was exactly what I thought it was going to be

In my fantasy head Insanely fun People were naked People were having like There was like a food fight? Yeah It was like a Was it a wrecking ball?

It felt like a movie That's what she came in on But it felt like a fucking movie She had all these little area setups You could hide out And get high And party with people And drink

It was just such like a fantasy island place Like Epstein's Island It was similar to that kind of fun Epstein's Island Like little kids running around No, it was just It was so free and fun That I just

It was exactly what I wanted it to be But thought it would never be But that was the only time I've ever gone to a celebrity's thing And gone, holy shit This is a party All night long Till four or five in the morning

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Thank you, Jules The worst is TCA Or any of those like TV show Like when you're on a TV show I'm on one, I just did it I just did a TCA Yeah, you have to go to those events Painful

It's the worst Painful Painful human experience And they ask you a question That they know That you have no answer to Kevin Hart is an executive producer On that show that I do

Yeah Okay Of course they go Hey, you know and I know Kevin Hart's an executive producer As much as you're a fucking Olympic athlete Do you know what I mean? Like

Yeah, he's an executive producer He's a great guy I love him His company is a part of it Right? Yeah, I mean on Spling Up Together Ellen DeGeneres is my executive producer She was around all the time?

Never met her No, she didn't hang out all day And then I went to the showrunner One day and I go What's Ellen like? She goes, I don't know her Yeah, but I don't know her And she's the producer

And it's fine Look, these companies They need the weight of these companies To get things through But this one reporter I had had enough I had gone through all the rooms And then one reporter goes

So Yeah Kevin Hart And I go Yeah, Kevin Hart And she goes I mean How incredible to work with Kevin Hart

Yeah I go, let me tell you something Kevin Hart is in the green room That I'm in right now We're all sharing the same green room Yeah It's about a 50 person room Yeah

Food, drinks, everything Executives Yeah I go I've never met Kevin Hart I'm in the room with him Still won't meet him I'll go the whole day

I'll go eight hours of this I know We're never gonna meet I know And she was like What? And I was like That's not how this works

For some reason people think that it's like Well, your body You know that It's like I don't Yeah I don't know Kevin I don't know

Kevin Hart Kevin Hart is such a big thing Yeah He would produce He'd go Which show? I'd go Dave on FX And then he'd go

What is that? I'd produce that show? I don't know But for me though If I was the head of a production company It had six or seven Ten things that are on the air He probably has 50 things

Whatever Yeah I would still fucking know No No, you wouldn't I wouldn't know Because you'd have so much going on He has so much going on

Yeah How could you balance that? Right It's hard for you to come here sometimes Yeah, yeah, that's true That's true It's just that I get it

Yeah By the way, Ellen Ellen got in some deep shit Why? Because she made a great joke People got mad at her She put You know all the

Everyone's mad at celebrities For being like I'm in quarantine And it's really hard And everyone at home is like Yeah, right Your house is worth 30 million dollars

What's hard about having Nine wings in a bowling alley Like J.Lo had her son On a fucking What are those things For the hoverboards And she was serving He was serving her

And they were like Dancing You know what I mean It's like celebratory fucking We're having a tough time Here and we're billionaires Anyway, Ellen People got mad at Ellen

Because she said Being in quarantine I don't want to misquote it Being in quarantine Is just like being in prison Because you wear the same Clothes every day And everybody's gay

Something like that Just a funny She's just joking around Just joking And everybody was like You think it's like Being in prison How about the prisoners

That are actually in prison Just Oh, yeah She's making a joke, dude She's throwing it It is a nonsense It's nonsense It doesn't mean anything

Yeah And every day Everybody's gay part It's funny It's funny Yeah She was just making a joke But people ate her alive

They were like How disrespectful of those That are living in actual Terrible conditions It's like Okay, dude What are you Here's my problem

Do you want comics To still make jokes During this time Or do you want us to say Nothing at all That's like a balance Like What do you want

What do you want her to do She's making a fucking joke What is she supposed to say Yeah, I mean There's a way to do it though Like Julia Louise Dreyfus Yeah

Just put out something What'd she say It was like Kind of like a Coronavirus PCA About staying indoors And this and that But she was

Basically looking In the camera and goes Normally I have You know, a crew of people Do my makeup But you know During quarantine I do my own

And she's doing a PCA It's terrible On purpose On purpose It's really funny and cute And then she ends the video It's a cute video Right

And you don't see her house Right That's people's problem Yeah, you don't see When you That's I always Whenever I see a celebrity

Right I Online I always look at the background first Yeah To see where they're at Yeah I do too

Like even Sebastian I know he lives in a gigantic house But when he takes videos I see that You don't really see A lot of the house Yeah, you would do To make it seem like

You know, it's normal Like everyone else's house You know, I think You should have to be mindful About stuff like that I agree I'm just saying Yeah

You think people don't know Ellen as a big house That was my Sebastian What? You think You think people don't know Ellen as a big house Yeah, yeah, yeah

No, I mean Some things are unavoidable She's one of the richest Performers in the world Let me throw out An idea This is probably not popular Making a fucking joke

Yeah Let me throw this It's Ellen should be mindful About how people are struggling I agree I agree But let me defend

They should be donating Monies where they all Should be fucking doing And Ellen should be Yeah, I mean I get Venmo requests All the time You know what I mean

Yeah Some of them ask For $2,000 I'm like I don't know you I'm not going to send you that But 25 Anyway

Don't do it now Yeah, I know But people have And I have given But you know We're all in quarantine And we're all It's one of those things

Like what I said last week It's just like You take yourself with you Everywhere you go You take you with you, yeah And I keep telling I've told my brother For years

That Yes I don't live in a one-bedroom Apartment in Silverlink anymore I have a little money saved up Because my brother keeps going And sometimes it goes Well, you got money

You mean you should be happy Right And those things Don't necessarily fix you Or you know But you are happy Yeah But I'm as happy as I was

When I was living in Silverlink as well Of course, yeah What I'm saying is that Right That didn't change any It didn't really change anything Right But don't you feel better

Now that you have 10 bedrooms 10 bedrooms I don't have 10 bedrooms Bobby has a 10-bedroom 10-bedroom Why not live in a 3-bedroom Like she's gonna fucking She lives in my fucking house

Listen You live in a 10 I don't live in a 10-bedroom 10-bed 10-jizz bath house 10-jizz bath site Yeah, jizz is right Yeah, jizz is right

No, you live in a nice place But you worked hard for it But yeah, no, sure You're not Yeah But it's not gonna make you happy But you're trying to be conscious Of how you're received

People know that you have a nice place Yeah, but I don't really talk about it Or I don't really It's, you know For a comedian at my age At my level It's probably the smallest place Of people that are comparative to you?

Yes Yeah, oh my god So, um, also I lived You saw the apartment that I lived in Right, for 15 years Small, it's a very small place It was very humble Yeah, humble, small place

So I've never been One to gloat about my situation But am I doing better than some? Yes Sure Yeah, are you? Do you feel a responsibility To give money?

Is that noise? Oh, that's my phone Who's it? Nobody I love when you do that Well It's private Well, no, no, no, you can see

Here, you can see You see who it was? Yeah Wow I didn't know you'd do Tom Hardy Tom Hardy calling? Andrew Yeah

I've heard you made a joke About my sexuality Yeah, let me ask you something Mm-hmm Do you have big stars on your phone? You've asked me this before Yeah, there's somebody in my phone Yeah, there's people in my phone

There's people in my phone That aren't... I wish you would call someone in your phone I wish you would call the biggest person In your phone Do you have Ellen's number? No We should call Neil Brennan

He's friends with Ellen He'll call Ellen for us And ask her to apologize live on the air For what she said and what she did Mm-hmm Should we do that? Mm-hmm What do you think?

Do you think these rumors are true About Ellen? About how... She's straight? No It's... I'm gonna talk about Ellen real quick So, Ellen DeGeneres

You know, have you ever played the Dallas improv? Addison? Addison or Houston? Not yet, I'm about to You're about to You've never played Addison? No Oh, my God

Dude, I've only played Austin I've only played Capacity Wow, so have you done Houston improv? Nope Alright, so... They're back-to-back on the books for me Oh, they are? Yeah, so there are clubs I've been playing

For 25 years Jesus, yeah In fact, the Addison improv has been there for so long There's actually a drawer of lineups they had in the 80s Wow One of the lineups I had was Diane Ford, I saw It was headlining, you probably don't know who it is Diane Ford?

Yeah I know who the name is Yeah, Diane Ford's headlining The feature, this is in 1990 Wow It was Jeff Garland Wow The MC, Judd Apatow

Wow So I love looking at old, you know what I mean? I love shit like that So you're gonna meet a guy named Jeff LaLa And he runs all the improvs in Texas And he's this old, crotchety, deep voice He smokes a thousand cigarettes a day Love this guy

Back in the 80s, he told me that I used to... I used to pick Ellen at the airport We used to drive to club to club I used to stay at these shitty hotels And she used to do the roads one night Yeah So Ellen is an old school comedy workhorse Yeah, she's been around for a lot

She, yes Yeah, and she had put in some road time Yes Right? But now I hear stories about how like some people... She has a rule that some people can't lock eyes with her You know what I mean? Or like Steve Harvey, I've heard about that too

About on his show, you know what I mean? They had a memo, don't lock eyes with Steve Harvey You know what I mean? Well, that was a whole controversy You didn't want people coming into his office Asking questions all day I know, but where do you... How come some people are like that?

And then some people like, you know, I've met James Cork You know, all these other younger guys They're not like that Well How do you become like that? People feed it Why are you smirking when I'm talking like this? Because this is controversial

No, no, no, no, it's not You didn't get in trouble? No, why? You didn't say anything I didn't say anything wrong What I'm smiling about is the idea that I don't know if that is true I've heard rumors Yeah, you hear things

You hear things from people that have said That Ellen has a very particular set of rules When you work with her Okay? I can't comment because I don't know But based on what I know That sounds like a really fucked up thing to do to people Why do people get away with it in Hollywood?

Because they let them and it's all good People, because an assistant will put up with it And it perpetuates the nonsense That's why Hollywood people get to act like brats I worked on a show I've worked on many things with unbelievable brats People that do crazy shit Have people fired, yell at people

Someone I worked with was yelling at the fucking EPs In the parking lot in front of everyone going I'm the cunt, so I'm the cunt Yeah Didn't lose her job Right Nothing happened I love watching fights on set

It's fucking awesome It's fucking awesome Because you get this like Because I get into this thing where my body goes like this Vibrates It vibrates because I'm in shock Yeah, you don't know how to react Yeah, so when people are screaming at each other on a set

My body just goes And I focus in on it And I go, what's going on? What's happening? Is this gonna end? When is this over? Yeah, like I love like It wasn't a big deal, but like on spilling up together

There was a I could hear some of the producers raise their voice At Jenna Fisher about something Which I don't want to get into Right, but you should But a little bit of raising the voice They yell at her A little bit

What did she do? Did she say when this is over I'm starting a podcast and they were like No No, no, no I don't know what it was I do, but I don't want to get tired of it Say it

Okay, it's fine I don't want to say it But what was it? You fucker But they're not going You're vibrating Yeah, vibrating, yeah Did she yell back?

No, she's a sweet girl She's very balanced She is a sweet lady I like her a lot You know what? I think to answer what you were saying People are like that before they got famous It just exacerbated it

So whatever those things are They come out much worse Because you know people that have had Shoot-up rocket careers And some of them are the same And some of them aren't You know the season finale was last night For the series finale

For Modern Family Yeah And though everyone but Ed O'Neill Sophia Vergara Okay But everyone besides Ed O'Neill Wasn't a famous actor on that show I know

Not a one of them I know Okay Yeah They rocketeered to the sky Yeah Okay Yeah

I would be interested to know Which of them have dynamically changed the most Well, yesterday I texted Stone Street Yeah, because your friends were there I sent him the fucking Instagram thing I know He liked it No

I'll tell you what he texted back And I don't know Stone Street says Basically, you're disgusting What did I say to you? You said Santino You said

God, so gross and funny What time tomorrow You weren't right to business Yeah, well I just was like This is awesome I was thumbing through it I have to say because I only know Stone Street

He had So he went from just a regular actor To Through the roof Yeah, I met Stone Street when I was a Commercial actor I know, we played that commercial Yeah, and then so

And then one day he goes I got the shell Right? Yeah And can I tell you what kind of a guy Stone Street is? Yeah I'm gonna get emotional

Please don't So, Stone Street's on his third year On Modern Family And they're shooting I forget what lot is it It's not Radford It was Paramount Yeah, weren't they

No, no, weren't they on Fox? They were on Fox Yeah, it was at Foxlaw It was Fox, yeah It was Fox And I remember Sony Sony

It was at Sony It was Sony, yeah Sony Warner Brothers I don't know what the fuck it is, man What? But I remember having an audition For some sort of series

Right? Right And I was like At that moment in my career I didn't have Tiger Bell or anything And I didn't have Kalyla And I was So desperate

To get a job Yeah Right And I remember walking You know how you When you audition for a show like that You have to go through the gate And then you have to make that

Three mile walk to whatever fucking building You have a pass And they're like You know what a park And you're like Yeah, where? And they're like Nine miles that way

And you got to walk over there And it's like walking through first class When you're a coach Because you have to walk through people That are already on a show And they're staring at you Well, yeah So modern family was shooting a scene

And I was walking past it Like really fast Because I knew I didn't want Eric to see me But he fucking saw me So Stone Street goes Hold up a second And he follows me

To the audition No Right? Yeah So I'm sitting there In the audition In this little lobby room Right?

He opens the door And he tells everyone He looks at me And he goes Bobby I go What the fuck, dude? He goes

It doesn't have to be perfect I go What do you mean? Your audition Just get the gist It's okay to make a mistake And that's nice Right?

It doesn't have to be perfect And that's very nice And he walked out Because he wanted me I didn't get it But I didn't get it Yeah

But I remember having an okay audition Because he You're right Because when I sit there For me I go If I don't have this down word for word Oh, you were being

You're a panic attack Yeah, I was having One of those times in my career Where I was so desperate That I had to kill it And he took a lot of that pressure away By saying that By just being a friend

Yeah And so He had already won I think his first Emmy At that time I mean, season three They were fucking rolling Rolling, yeah

So he was killing it So, you know He I don't see that he changed at all He's a great A-Dude I love him He's a great guy That's good to hear

I love him That's good to hear Look There's people that I know That have gotten skyrocket fame And haven't changed Like just Not even a little bit

Not even They haven't even changed Kind of how they live Which is even more unusual There's some people I know That they made a ton of money They did a lot of stuff And they're kind of the exact same person

I think the top of that list for me And I don't even know him I think Galifianakis is Oh, God, he's the best Like he drives Oh, he's the fucking best He drives a Subaru still His same Outback

Like he doesn't That's the kind of guy where you're like Oh, he's the Where Jerry Seinfeld has 90 Porsches Yeah And someone like Zach has one Subaru It speaks volumes Over like

Yeah A couple years ago I was in a movie called By the way, it's fine to own 90 Porsches I don't give a fuck I would like them Keeping up with the Joneses I was in that movie Yeah, you did that?

Yeah, I was in that movie I auditioned for that Did you? Didn't get it Yeah, I'm in it Get a couple rewrites on it, actually I'm in it And it was bad

Movie was bad Shut the fuck up Movie was bad Watch the movie Movie was bad Movie was bad Anyway, so I'm in Georgia Yeah

In Atlanta And as soon I know What? Georgia, Atlanta You think I'm thinking about the country, Georgia? I know where you are Jules, don't laugh

Jules, laugh Jules, laugh, I love it Yeah Go And I remember So the director wanted to see My outfit Right

Because I was in wardrobe Right And the director wants to You have to get in the van You gotta drive to set right now I fucking hate that Right, so I'm in this van Right

And I'm driving to set And so I show up at set And the director comes up behind The video village And goes, yeah, yeah Okay, good Right But then Zach sees me

And he goes, oh my god He gives me a hug Right And then the next day I'm shooting And you know how like The stars get a certain tent? Yeah So there was like a white tent

It was really hot And they had these air conditioning things They had me by The stable Right, the horse stable You belong Yeah Right

And I didn't even get like A chair It was just like I'm on a curb And just smoking Right Chainsmoking Right

And I remember Zach goes Dude, come on White tent So I walk in the white tent And John Hamm's there Yeah And I sit there They have a seat for me

And I just hang out With John Hamm And Zach Because if it wasn't for Zach Obviously I wouldn't be there Right But he made me feel so comfortable And I have a photo on Instagram

We took a selfie Whatever You and you three Me, us three Right And I just thought to myself Oh, you've not Haven't changed

Yeah You're a good dude Yeah It makes me like him Fucking so much more What a good dude When I watched his live of the purple onion Was one of the greatest specials

I've ever seen in my life To this day So good Still Let me tell you one quick story About a guy that I want to say That passed away last year Last year, this year

Brody Got it The years get mixed up Brody No, no, no There's an actor named Robert Forester Okay Forester was on

I'm dying up here He played the father of One of the characters that passed away Are you sure he was on it? Yeah Okay Mr. Forester rest in peace Who's now passed away

One of the most telling things I think I've ever seen in my entire life He was wrapped He was done And as he left He went up to every single person I'm not kidding And he handed them a letter opener

That was like a custom letter opener From him to something simple But it was a heavy, heavy nice letter opener And he's like just a piece of my gratitude And he handed it to every single person Dude, there was a shitload of people That worked on that fucking show Right

And he handed one to everybody And said thank you And that was the last time I ever saw him Then he passed away I still have the letter opener in my drawer today But I spoke volumes A guy who's been in the business For probably, I don't know, 40, 50

Who fucking knows And he still gave a goodbye gift That's meaningful as fuck Have you ever given a goodbye gift? What the fuck am I gonna do with a letter opener? Open fucking letters, Bob I've never got a letter in my life You don't get letters, I get letters all the time

You know what I would go like a fuck you, Forester Oh You get me? Bob Is it a dull knife? What is this? It's a dull knife I'd be grateful

It was very sweet Is it engraved or no? It's real nice It says fuck the Koreans It was real nice It was sweet though Have you ever given a gift goodbye? No

No, but I have given Christmas gifts I was so, this is so fucking, this is so cheesy This is so gross What did you give? So the first year I was on Matt TV Nobody liked me No shit No, I could, because they would tell me

Like, just don't go into that office, they don't like you It was not liked Right Yeah, I had this weird kind of, I was so scared and frightened Right, that it came out in the weirdest ways Yeah Yeah I know, I see you do it

You do? Yeah, you do it all the time Fuck you When you get scared or fucked up, you do weird shit So yeah, we are really strange Like, I couldn't like talk to people And I would try to make jokes And nobody liked, you know, it was just desperate

Right I was desperate to get on Because they wouldn't put me in sketch, I was desperate So I spent, and I didn't even get that much money But I, one paycheck I got It was like, we got $4,500 That was for a week of work A week of work

Right, which is good money, but in show business not Not show business, right Right, right So, and then what you get, with taxes and your agents And manage to get toothed out But I spent the whole fucking thing on Christmas gifts Because I was so desperate For people to like you

For people to like me, right And I would write letters to people that I knew didn't like me Thank you so much, you know what I mean What was the gift? I got everyone different things Like, I went specific Like, I'm gonna buy this person wine Because I think they like wine

That's a lot And I did it And I remember going to each And then giving it to people And then they're going, them going Thanks You don't even have to Yeah, they can't hate you

Accept it But I just remember me being so needy And just going, here you go from my bottom I think, happy holiday Do you like me? Yeah, oh my god Can you put me in a sketch? I wish I hadn't done that

What was the most expensive thing you bought? I bought like a first generation iPod Or something like that For like a producer that I knew that didn't like me Did he like you after? But then what happened was There was a magazine There was an Asian magazine

Where I called everyone out Right What's the Asian magazine called? It was called Noodle Weekly Either Korea Am or it was something like that And I remember It was the first year I was on mat

And I remember calling people out specifically This writer, you know what I mean? Has it written me a single sketch? And I remember coming to work And one of the producers going We have a problem coming into the conference room And I walk into the conference room And there's a stack of these magazines

And like six people that called out They got hashed us out Hashed us out right now What? And I'm like, what the fuck? How do you know that even this magazine exists? Yeah, how would they know? This is before the internet

Yeah, how the fuck would they know about some Korean magazine? Because one of them got it No, one of them somebody told Someone, someone Yeah, I don't know how But they did And it was so... Do you have to apologize?

No, I didn't What did you say? I was defensive I go, listen I know I'm not a second city guy I know that you guys write for only second city guys Right I'm a comic

I don't know how to fucking do this thing And I know that I wasn't good I wasn't good I was terrible at terrible, terrible at table reads And I was so bad at rehearsal I'd never been on a show before So I would just like I was scared

Yeah, you were learning I was, I learned to do everything on that show And you're grateful And it took me years Yeah Right But eventually I learned, but I remember defending myself

I go, yeah, but they did do these things Right What did the people say? And they were like yelling at me Dude, you're new on the show Why, shut the fuck up You know what I mean? Who are some of the writers?

Do you remember who they are? No It's in the past I don't give a fuck You're trying to call me out And I'm gonna get in trouble again We'll be right back after these messages No, what do you mean?

You are, it's in the past You mentioned the writers before No, no, no, no Are they still writing? Yeah They're all killing Name one of them that you love All the writers that I did love

They're giving me the one that you called out That you actually really like There's a, okay So there was a couple of writers on the show That didn't like me at first But over the years of being on the show They became allies And they wrote me the best sketches I've ever been on

That's huge Yeah Do you still work with any of them now? No That's huge too But I love them, dearly, I miss them And I think they're super talented And I actually, one of them

Are they Harvard guys? They're groundlings guys But they always have a couple of Harvard writers and stuff Yeah, yeah These guys were groundling guys But I can talk about I had some allies as well You're gonna be on the show early on

What actors were allies? When I first got on the show Michael McDonald, was he an ally? Now he hated you, huh? I think he did, yeah Does he hate you now? I love him Love him to death

I didn't talk to him for years How about Sass? He was the only one He's the only one? Him and Mo Collins Him and Mo Yeah, Alex Borstein was on our way out You know who she is?

Yeah Yeah, so Borstein was very nice to be with Do I know who she is? I don't know She's massively famous Yeah, so Borstein was super sweet Yeah And she would give me pointers and this and that

But it was really Will Sass was the one that really Will was the only one that was like Come over to the house I'm having barbecue Or let's go to this party Yeah So I did a bunch of shit

And then I betrayed him What did you do? When he left the show I started getting popular on the show And then for like a three or four year period He would text me all the time I would never return his text Piece of shit

Yeah That's a piece of shit thing Why would you do that? Is he okay with you now? Oh yeah, we're very good friends But I mean what was the makeup point? That you said I'm sorry I got ahead of myself? It was when my career wasn't doing well

And it was not doing well And I had been friends with Delia But Delia And I had friends with Delia and Callan Yeah And this is when they were doing ten minute podcasts Right, those three And they were hanging out together

And then they invited me They were going to Coffee Bean in Los Feliz And I met Will there as well And I made my amends I told him I loved him And then we became friends again That's really nice Yeah

Well I mean you for a long time As long as I've known you You did have a lot of phone problems You had a lot of phone issues You were not good for a long time At texting back and stuff You know that's true Yeah but I've

We've bitched about it in the past But I'm better now You're much better You know why you're better Why? That's one person Who? That's a girl

Kaleila? That's not why She's made you better I've been dating for seven fucking years And in the last six months I've been fucking being better at texting back It was because when my dad died And I went to that place

And I got sober again It was part of my being present And being accountable Who was there the whole time? I've been mindful You redheaded freak Who was there to work you through it? Kaleila was there the whole time lover

Who was Kaleila? You fuck I'll rip your eyebrows out Whenever I get a text back from you By the way I got two separate texts the other day One from Bobby And one from Kaleila Maybe the funniest

And I'm not kidding I laughed harder that afternoon Than I've laughed in And I mean this in years Bobby sent me a picture of his cock Resting on his balls Above his pants He was doing over the fence

Everyone knows over the fence Through the gator Over the fence His balls were over At the top of his boxers And his dick was resting on it And he's going like this It's far away

And you kind of have to focus To see his penis Because the focus in the picture Is up here And then you look down Of course there's his penis And I laughed Because I've seen his penis

And that's very funny Within seconds I get another text Yeah From Kaleila It's the same picture From a different angle And she just writes

From a different angle She took a photo Of me taking the selfie It made me laugh so fucking hard To get another perspective Of the exact same photo It just made me It just was like

That's real love When you send a picture Of your penis to your buddy And your girlfriend goes I'm going to get a picture Of you getting a picture Of your penis to send it To the friend that you're

It was very thoughtful I only send those dick pics To you and Delia Because I can handle it He doesn't like that shit He'll go I'll tell you what his response Was

It's right here So Delia said There he is right there So he goes Do you ever have to see this stuff, Jules? Do you ever see his penis And all that stuff? No

No, that's gross So it says But I've seen his butt You've seen his butt Shut up, Jules You've never seen my asshole Have you? Have you?

Have you really seen his butt? Yeah When did you see my butt? When you performed somewhere Yeah, on stage Yeah, no shit Yeah, everyone's seen that, Jules Come on

But Still uncomfortable for her So I'm going to cover this So I said Thinking of you And he goes Damn it, Bobby That's usually it

Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, but he But, you know He gets the joke He doesn't love those jokes But he gets them Yeah, he does get it Yeah, he gets them

Chris has a good sense of humor He's a good boy When we have dinner He always goes Kentucky do a show And I always go Okay So we'll be at like

Swingers or something Rest in peace Rest in peace, swingers And I will Pull my dick out At the table Right? And I'll stretch out the little skin

That wings Yeah, and do toky the dum-dum We'll do like a little Acapella You know what I mean? Hello, my name is Bucky, toky, dum-dum Hello

You know what I mean? I do a little thing And they just laugh And laugh And laugh It's the gift that keeps on giving When do you think you'll stop Doing stuff like that?

Never You mean like 60s and 70s? I'm 48 now You're 48? Yeah Holy shit How old are you?

Fuck you, Bobby 40 Fuck you, Bobby Are you 42? What are you? You know I'm below 40 Are you 38? Lower

36? Lower You are? Lower 35? Lower 34 Lower

33 Lower I'm not Just tell me now 31 You're only 31? No, Bobby Is that possible?

I'm 36 Are you really? You're a fucking asshole I am, I'm 36 I want to look it up Why do I care? Well, just tell me the truth You brought an illegal Filipino child in here

I can say whatever the fuck I want I'm 36 Andrew Santino I was born in 83 The internet will tell you the truth Yeah 80s baby God, 40 or 48

When I first fucking moved here You're 36 years old Yeah, I'm 36 It's so funny when you put Andrew Santino The first photo that goes up is And then it says 48 right here Fuck you Yeah, look

What's Andrew Santino's age, right? Yeah 36 Look at the first photo You Yeah And it says 48 Well, you know why it says you, 48?

What? Because people know that we're in love And people want to associate love With their buds, with their pals 40 It has all the people, huh? Yeah, it does like suggested searches And stuff like that

I don't like shit like that You know what's been doing a lot? You know what I talked about? No I'm not gonna say it But I talked about something recently Doing something to my house I was like, I really need to get this done

Before the summer So hopefully I can get this done In the meantime with all this shit Instagram Every day Add for it And add for it Pops up on my Google searches now

What is it? I can't say it Just say it I can't Just fucking say it And we'll cut it out 15 jet hot tub 15 seat hot tub

It's a boat I want a boat For my house On the roof No, but now the ads are coming up Let me ask you something On Instagram Because I just

All the ads that I get For some reason are about cats Maybe if you talk about cats Like cat beds Cat toys How does it know that I like cats? Do you search for cute cats? Do you do searches for cats on Instagram?

Do you ever look at cat profiles? I follow about 20 cat profiles What the fuck do you need to know? Oh, it does that? Of course Let's say if I start following hamburgers It'll give me grill ads Anything thereof

Anything around there Oh my god I follow a couple of car Instagram things Yeah So you get car ads So not only that, it's really even below that It goes even deeper

There's a guy named Matt Watson Who's on a thing called CarWild Which is a YouTube channel I get suggestions every day To follow him on Instagram I don't get a lot That's how it's algorithms The algorithms are deep

But it goes to the weirdest crevice Sometimes it goes to places where I'm like How would you even know That I'd be interested in that? By the way, I am Ask Jules So I've ordered Probably 10 cat products of Instagram

So it's working No, but not only is it No, it's not Because I've paid for them They say they've arrived at my house There's none in the house You're just getting robbed? I don't know

15 of them The little controlled mouse thing The salmon that flips up and down Oh, the salmon that flips I think that's a funny ad Yeah, yeah, yeah I've bought all that I bought a cat window thing

Where you put it on the bed Have you followed the tracking? Yeah, arrived And it says it's arrived Maybe is it going to your old place? No I just don't They're none of it

Ask her, she was there I had a meltdown over it one day Is that true? Yeah, shit, he got angry Why, what happened? Where's my cat shit? Let me hear it from Jules What happened, Jules?

We were driving and then He told Get closer to the mic We were driving and then He asked Attica Lila to help him And then Attica Lila said That I'm doing something else And then he got really mad

And he threw a fit? Yeah, and he said that You don't want to help me You make me sound like I'm the bad guy And then Attica Lila got mad And yelled at him What did she say to him? I forgot

Did she cuss at him? Yeah, I think so It was a fight It was a real fight A real fight That's a real fight over cat stuff It's okay I just want my cat shit

I know baby, I know you want your cat stuff Do you want me to start buying it and see if it comes to me? I already spent all the money on it That bamboo pants, I bought these bamboo pants Alright, here we go If there's any cat companies out there that make cool cat stuff Will you please send some to Bob, please? I just want the salmon one

I want the little remote control mouse one He wants the floppy salmon, the remote control mouse And the window hammock Can we get that stuff, please? Whoever does any of the cat stuff? I already paid for them, so give it to me Just give it to him, will you? Yeah

What a good day today This has been a good day I want to thank Ted Munz for our amazing new art We're going to hang up the other signs when we get a chance It's been a great day Please stay safe, say that Please stay safe You know, I want to say, let's not end right now

Let me just say about some quarantine advice, okay? Okay I know dudes now personally that are dying from it You do? Yeah, you know Not personally, but I know I don't know them personally But like John Prine just died

Yeah, that's really sad I love that guy The rest of the piece, man He's awesome The lead singer from fucking Founds of Wayne died Wait, really? Yeah He did?

Yeah Holy shit So, you know I want to sink to the bottom with you And then when people go, well, you know, the week are going to die It's like we don't Jesus Adam wouldn't have died if he had the flu

You know, it's still funny They still have gatherings They say it's gatherings of ten or more So there's people that are still getting together in groups of ten That have to be around other people Have you seen this preacher? There's a preacher that did He did like 1500 people or something

Churches are still going on in Louisiana and Florida What was his name? Do you know what his name was? He was arrested Yeah, he had a gathering of 1800 people No, that's not the guy, though Oh, yeah, here it is Yeah, this guy

This is That guy Yeah, holding church services, stay at home order Look at this guy Look at this guy's face That's Jesus Christ He's a very good preacher, though One of my favorites

But in Louisiana, they're still holding church services God, why are they doing that, man? Because of Jesus I know, I tweeted about it This woman had said Did you see this on Twitter? I had said this woman was like I'm covered in Jesus' blood

It's never going to affect me Have you seen this? I've seen a lot of videos like this This is ridiculous I mean, people think that People think that that's going to save them But what they don't get is that I don't give a fuck what you do

But your actions affect the rest of us We were just attacked I'm covered in Jesus' blood I'm covered in Jesus' blood I'm covered in Jesus' blood That's a good song I'm covered in Jesus' blood That's a great song

That's a great remix to it This woman, though, she goes I'm covered in Jesus' blood They're not going to kill me Not going to get me What an insane idea to be like, I'm fine Stay safe, do the best that you can Thank you for being a bad friend