Bad Friends - Great Balls of Fire

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

Thank you: http://buyraycon.com/badfriends & https://betterhelp.com/badfriends & https://hellofresh.com/badfriends80 & https://bluechew.com code: badfriends Subscribe to our YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube 0:00 Andrew Golfs with Brad Williams 9:30 Why Filipinos Bite Their Fingers at Trees 15:25 The Tooth Fairy & American Folklore 24:05 Bobby is Living the American Dream 30:00 Get Paid to Go to School 34:40 Bobby's Athletic Cause 48:05 Why Rudy is Forbidden From Driving 54:55 Andrew Hit Somebody? 1:09:05 Andrews Plan for his First Stand Up in 6 Months More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor. It's the easiest way to make a podcast Let me explain. Oh, please. It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more. Go ahead You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob?

Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started Come see me and Christy Stefano on the East Coast as I do October 8th 9th 10th and 11th Go to Andrew Santino.com you can find out where I'm doing all that stuff Who are these two idiots? Papa got them dope shades on hi rude Hi Oh, how are you dude? Nope nope nope. Hey little baby. Hey little girl is your daddy home

True Shining on and I don't know why but you don't know don't know mm-hmm and your mind's on fire. Nope I'm on fire Hey Hey little baby when you're dummy dumb, and you don't know mine suck at all like no Yeah Oh Oh

I'm on fire You know I always sing that song It's all on fire What's going on she used to date is you know, huh cousin 14 What that guy that's saying great balls of fire here Henry Connick Henry Connick Jr. Harry Connick Jr. Didn't they make a movie? Oh, you know who played him who one of the Quaid brothers Randy Yeah, he's the one J. Jason Taylor Taylor great Taylor Quaid played the guy in the movie. I love it great balls of fire

Hi, rude. Hi Hey, it's so smoky outside. Can I show I'm gonna show you some this is incredible this got sent to me this morning We can't play the music, but people at home can look it up Someone took the footage of what's going on in San Francisco and put it to the Blade Runner soundtrack Oh shit, and we can't play the music because you know YouTube will get us, but look at how insane this looks. This is all legit This is this is what it looks like what's going on? Look at how insane that is This is not doctored. There is no filter on my god. This is real drone footage

That's up on the crazy web. It's it. What color is that Bob? Santino that's Andrew Santino Andrew Santino color that literally looks like me. That's like as if I blanket at the city of San Francisco Yeah, it's a terrible color terrible Imagine if you've lived with it all over your body. Yeah, this San Francisco knows what I feel like for a couple of days The ridicule that they're facing. Yeah, this is what I feel every day of my life Yeah, but you know what I feel your face structure and stuff like God didn't fuck you entirely no no no the faces Okay, pretty good face. So you know, I'm going to make he probably turned up Moses and you know Saint somebody and said Moses was around Moses and somebody Cleopatra. Whoever might be

And when I make he's southern, so you know Oh, yeah, because you know the Christians. Let me tell you something. I'm fixing to make me a little dude And he I'm gonna make him freckle face red-headed. Yeah, but I want to make him kind of good-looking. He gonna be okay Yeah, yeah, and everyone's like laughing. Yeah, but let's see. He's gonna die anyway. He's gonna die He's people gonna kill him When he's young people gonna kill but watch and he threw him you down there and you fucking survived it all and and all the Disciples like Cleopatra and saying somebody was like I can't believe he survived they survived it. Yeah, and he was like no I'm not gonna make another one of those again

That's the last one I'm gonna do when he made you he went check this out Check out this big-headed little flat-faced dude. I'm about to make right here this buggy-eyed massive-headed dude You're gonna love this Short stumpy stocking asshole short stumpy. That's all right He's never gonna get over five feet tall even with lifts in the shoes and this little dude. This little dude's gonna be ugly When he made Rudy, what do you say when he made Rudy? Well, you know what I'm gonna make you know, I'm gonna make a human pig me a little pig me like yeah a pixie pig me No pixie pig me girl. Yeah, and this one right here is gonna. Um

Her face is gonna look like a tiny bean like a little bean like a little one ear bigger than the other ear Which one is bigger? Take off your headphones real fast so we can see show the camera It's big like if she was a bird she wouldn't be able to fly or she's flying a circle I want to make really skinny skinny like golemie Yeah You can water ski on them you don't even need water skis you got skis on your feet right now Well, if she lived in that if she was an Eskimo, she wouldn't need snow shoes

You know those no shoes at the yeah, yeah, she wouldn't need no We need to know she's and I'm going to have her a funny accent and she's gonna love dumb things like anime I mean I but she's gonna love she's gonna be a master of knives. Oh, yeah a master of knives. Oh, yeah Look at this. They found Rudy on the internet so many fans sent this to us by the way. This is Rudy Rudy you got found on the internet. I don't know if you've ever seen this clip. Let's see the music is the theme of Halloween Look at this little girl. Tell me this isn't Rudy Little mini Rudy Rudy Juliana. What were you doing there? Yeah, what was going on? Yeah

That is that really is how creepy is that fucking the mom just gave this little girl this little girl's got to be like I don't know seven six seven Look at she just like here's a knife. Here's a mask and made her dance around in the living room That looks exactly like Rudy by the way. It's the same color brown, isn't it? But we don't know the fish. It could be 42 She is That's a little person. That's a little person sized You know what I said the other day. I just saw Brad Williams this morning. I just played golf with him speaking a little people Wait, wait, wait, wait that I

I play golf with Brad this morning. You What where do you get his clubs? What do you mean? I mean, I mean, is it no Right. Yeah, oh, but there's probably like cuz he goes a baby gap or whatever, right? No for his clothes So you probably there's probably is there a baby golf club store? Yeah. No, I'm being real. Is there is there golf clubs for kids? That's what mini golf is. I Know other golf clubs. I'm not I'm being real. I'm not gonna make fun. Yeah, they're big golf clubs for kids Yes, they're and he's using the golf clubs for kids. I think he gets adult clubs fashioned for him. They get you can get him shortened

It's amazing I thought you know, I thought about the other day I said, but let's let's and does he wear like when he does the you know, you know The car the golf cart. Oh, yeah, it's there like a little miniature like you I mean one that it's a side It's a side car Mattel makes if you ever see like a motorcycle with a side car. Yeah. Yeah. So there's a golf cart There's a mini golf car. Oh, I see and he gets into that one. So, um, that's great That's wonderful. I just makes me laugh. He was good at golf. He's good. I've never seen a dwarf golf Have you ever seen I've never seen it. I mean, I've played with Brad Dwarf to a lot of things like what skydive I have oh you have I don't know if they would think that they would just fly away

I don't And then the wind would just take them to like Argentina. I don't know if he was skydiving or they were throwing him out of the plane But I did see a dwarf get out of push out of a plane. Oh, I'm sure they were pushed out I don't think I don't think you got a shoot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah joke. Yeah, man. No, Brad. Brad's a good golfer. No, there's no way Yeah, no way. Yeah, he is the whole like closer to him like in the middle. It's bigger. It's twice as big Oh, it's twice as big for him. Am I being mean? No. Yeah, I love him. No, we love what a great little guy It's awesome. He's my favorite because I'm so small. Yeah, I'm so small that like you're not much bigger than Brad I know that's the thing. Yeah, like, you know, when I'm around Brad

I was whispered or my god I just like hanging out with you because you know the whole world has always been like I'm the dwarf No, really has because when I walk into places, everyone's so much bigger than I am. Yeah, right? I kind of have to look I want to like rub your head whenever I see you. Yeah So then when I'm around Brad, I go I just just like this is new for this is just a good experience for me Well, you know what I said? I said the other day I was like I want to play with Brad and I was thinking about Brad because I hadn't seen him in a long time and I

thought Brad must feel More vulnerable than we ever think sometimes like imagine walking on the street at any moment some psycho some crazy dude on the street on Drug could just kick him someone could just run up and just Yeah, boot him, right? I mean think about that think about every day of your life some crazy person good when you walk past a crazy person on the street You know that guy that like yells at the trash. Yeah, yeah, that guy could just turn and see him and go hey And Brad's like huh just runs up to him and could kick him. Yeah, physically boot him. Yeah, I think about that like he could just get kicked

Someone could just run up and kick him. Do you how crazy is that? Yeah, but when you could kick a dwarf something bad that bad's gonna happen. It's seven years bad luck I'm sure it's seven years something bad. It's like when you break a mirror It's like putting a hat on a bed or you know, I mean, yeah, that's bad. Yeah. Yeah, what is it black hat? Don't walk under a ladder. Don't walk under a ladder Don't do cross kick a dwarf. Don't kick a dwarf. Don't kick a dwarf. Don't cross eyes If you want to go cross as you can't go back, right? right

Here well, you know, my dad you jerk off too much you get hairy hands. Yeah. Yeah. What do you know that one? If you parents used to tell their kids if you masturbate You're gonna get hairy hands. What's the other one if I would just masturbate and I look at my hand nothing Yeah, still nothing Asians are hairless for the most part Oh, maybe it's in the inside of the hand because I have to shave. I've shaved. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's funny now what what There's so many those. Oh, do you believe in that stuff root? Do you believe in that and bad luck stuff? Do you believe in any this is superstition? Is that what it is? No, I mean I have OCD things where I have to touch things three times or like in a movie theater

I have to look at a guy three times in back of me. So shut up. Oh, yeah You know when you sit down you have to turn in look three times No, that's why if you if I'm at a movie theater And we're watching a movie. You'll never see me turn around Hmm because if I turn around like if I turn around and look at somebody I'll go. This is what'll happen This is what you'll see. Okay. I'll be watching the movie. I'll look at Tom Cruise just jumping over buildings Does his own stunts. What an amazing guy. Oh, look at him go. He's little, but he seems big Why do you have to keep looking over watch the movie?

No, I'm not looking. No, that's not I haven't done it yet. Well, don't look at me anymore. Stop. You're the guy. I'm sitting next to Oh, so yeah, yeah, you're watching the movie too. Yeah. Yeah, sorry So, um, okay, go ahead. This is why I'm watching. Oh, wow. Look at him go. Yeah, he's so I should become a Scientologist That's what I think when I say Tom. Maybe yeah, yeah, it looks good. Yeah, go. What's going on? What are you what what are you doing? Well, so what do you need to you look do you recognize him? No, it's just a human being you make I think that's something bad's gonna happen If I don't turn around two more times, he's gonna know it I know it's like he has nothing to do with him just in general in general

I think like if I don't do it that I'm gonna leave the theater and then a dwarf is gonna kick me. Oh That makes something like that. You know me or make sense or like I'm gonna get a car accident or something will happen. I Do that. I do it when I'm at night. Do you touch the light? Do you have to touch like? This is what when collide like last night Kala was sleeping next to me and my elbow a hitter, right? Yeah, so then I have to do this This elbow and then this elbow And then it woke her up sick. What are you doing? Are you doing that thing again? Yeah, yeah, I can oh dude. That's OCD. It's crazy. Yeah, that's not super. See that's like OCD That's like a pet that says of compulsive disorder. No, that's no, it's it's it's superstition. Nope

Oh, do you have superstition rude? Um, when I point at the tree at night? I always um, do it do this Yeah What when you point at it? Yeah, if ever I point at a tree I have to like bite your finger. Yeah Okay, what kind of That dude that I've never heard that before in my life a tree That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard because you know what because you you're thinking to yourself How the fuck did you come up with that? Yeah, wait wait, so First time well, how do you bite it? How do you bite your finger? Show me?

Looking at a tree one day and going I have to do something You know me do I tap my feet three times? You know me that I raise my hands I do this with my hands You know me no, I'll do this. What is this? What is that Rudy? What does that mean? Um older people said that if you point at a tree you have if you don't bite it Then your fingers are gonna be cut off Filipino folk. That's Filipino folk. So somebody taught her that yeah That's crazy when you pointed a tree. It your fingers gonna get cut off. Yeah by some kind of monster Oh, I mean crazy. Have you been to Philippines? It's trees everywhere So you get you you just see if it was by their fucking all day just walking around. It's crazy

We're gonna cut these trees down This is getting out of control. You know I mean that's the weird insane It's insane. I used to the only thing I had was in high school This was crazy and it went away because in my mind. I thought oh shit There's gonna be a forever when I got out of the shower in high school You know when you I had a we had a knob that pop when you pop it out and then you can turn hot or cold You know I'm talking about and when you push it in the little drain thing goes down So when I pop up when that went down, I would have to catch it before it went down and spin it on my finger

Yeah, that's weird crazy. That's crazy Cuz the noise was like kink kong so I go kink and then catch it and I'd spin it and then I'd have in my mind I'd have a good day Yeah, that's pretty crazy, right? Isn't that weird, but you know, it's weirder pointing at a tree and putting your finger That's crazy. That's really strange. Yeah fighting it mine was like a mine was like just an I just the habit of not making the noise So because it was so loud when it clamped That's like saying um you have to do something when you see the Sun Yeah, let the Sun yeah, it's just something that's like just so like when you see a cloud, right?

You have to put two fingers, you know me on your eyebrows, right and go. I love you. Yeah, whatever. It's crazy Yeah, but I've seen that before in the Philippines. They do that They do that But you know what my mom used to say because when I use I don't know if you guys did this But when you have a Charlie how a horse. Oh, right. Yeah, you have deadly. You know, you have a Charlie like yeah, and you're like, yeah You lick your finger right Three times and you put it on your nose. That doesn't help the Charlie horse. It does no way. I swear to God it does

Really? Yeah, it does. If you have a Charlie horse go there What about when you get a let you know when you get a muscle cramp, you know when your leg tightens up? Yeah, yeah, the worst feeling in the world when you're like, oh, oh, oh, and you try to go straight with it You're like, oh, it hurts even more lick your nose lick it. Yeah. Oh my god. It works every really. Yeah, I think it I think it's psychological. It's getting your brain away from the feeling away from the feeling maybe. Yeah, yeah that's so strict like whenever I would have a Whenever I'd have like a like a sore tooth or something and my mom she would come in the room And I'd say oh, I have a sore tooth and she's like, I'm gonna go get something and she would go

She would leave the room and never come back and the soreness would go away I thought she was gonna go get something for me and I was thinking about what she was gonna get and it never She never would come back with something and it would go away Swear to God because it's in your mind. I think she's gonna go get something to help me, you know, it's it's It's funny. It's like My parents didn't know about like traditional things that you tell kids or you know, or folklore American folklore or any of that Tooth fairy and stuff that right so, you know, you you you you hear about it from friends, right? Yeah, if you put you as a kid, you know, if you put your

Tooth underneath your pillow you get a dollar you get a dollar, right? But if your parents have to know about that, right? So I would just why would they have to know about it because at the end of the day It's that it's their parents that put the fucking dollar in there, right? It's not really a tooth fairy. Yes, it is What are you talking about There's there's no I like Santa Claus, right? Your parents have to get know about Santa Claus for them. We'll have to know about it to teach you about who he is No, no about because they're the ones that buy the presents and put the presents under the tree. I

Think your character is so funny. I think you're a little misinformed. I don't know how they do it in South Korea So so what you're telling me? Santa Claus. Yeah Yeah, Santa Claus. So you say Nick a fat white guy who probably has diabetes. He does have diabetes. Yes, and And I don't know how old these reindeer are a hundred and forty eight thousand years old He says that he says yeah He goes to every single house Billions of houses in one night. Yeah, okay

How could it not be possible? Have you never seen him tracked on norad? Do you know norad? No, you don't know norad is They track where he goes. They track Santa Claus on norad with satellites. I don't know where he is right now Let's see official norad Santa. Let's see what he's up to Rudy. Don't laugh come back December 1st All right, so that the trackers offer anyway the joke I was gonna tell about my parents about the tooth But you know, hold on the joke is not gonna get back to it. It's not gonna work. Hold on We can get obvious guys throw it out there just because I have ocd about it. Okay. What is it? No, I I think the bit I was trying to go for is is that um I just I don't know something about maybe I had 15 feet teeth underneath my pillow over the year something like that

I don't know. It wasn't gonna. I'll give let me give you one. No, it's okay. It's you just you just fucked my joke But I didn't no let's go back to norad though. No, no stop nor is not up right now Yeah, no, can I tell you there's a friend of mine because then I was gonna go to another bit about um You can go into the bit I was gonna go about another bit But then the bits aren't gonna work now because you your your joke was fun here. Yeah about the thing. Yeah, sorry Yeah, yeah about not knowing but but but did you but now But I had to throw the jokes up because I have ocd. Did your dad not know about too theory for

But here's another shitty joke I was gonna get okay, give me right Okay, and they're not even true. I was gonna these jokes I was gonna throw up But I have to say it now because of my ocd, right? It's your joke. This is that this is the episode, right? So I'm just gonna do it. Yeah, is is that um You know like the things that you would tell your kids like the kid the thing is is that if you watch the tv So like what did they say your parents say if you sit too close to the tv what happens you go blind You're right. That's what my dad kind of took it and made his own Korean way Okay, you would go if you watch tv too close

Grandpa's gonna die Right, and then I'd like he's dead already. He goes you did it So that was a joke I was gonna see that's still good. I know imagine the joke now If I didn't with the pretext sorry, you know, I should have I would have hit a home run there It was it was a third bay. It was a triple. Yeah in the park. It was a triple, but you know wait But you're very funny. Thanks, and we have to go with your god instinct about that. That was my instinct Yeah, yeah, but let me give you a joke that my friend. I can't I'm not gonna take credit for this Okay, but

My friend used to have a joke my friend kinder had a joke years ago that made me laugh harder than I've ever laughed in my life and he used to say He's like my dad's from India, and they don't know American customs just like you. Yeah, and he used to say uh The tooth fairy my tooth fell out and I said dad My tooth fell out and he goes okay throw it in the trash And he said no no no I'm gonna put it under the pillow and the tooth fairy is gonna come and and give me money Yeah, and he goes what what are you talking about?

And he goes if I put my tooth under the pillow in the middle of the night a fairy comes in and leaves me a dollar Everyone at school is talking about they're all losing their teeth. Yeah, and and he goes interesting and he goes to bed He says it wakes up the next day And he looks underneath his pillow and there's no money under there. Yeah, his tooth is still there. Yeah, and so are 10 of his dad's teeth And his dad comes in and goes come on divvy up the cash how much did we get? How good is that funny joke? It's my buddy. Kenner, but it's not real They didn't actually happen. That's his joke. It's a joke. He used to tell. Was he a stand-up? Kenner Shaw? Yeah, yeah, dude. It was the funniest. It made me laugh. That's a very funny joke

Ray con. Hey, guess what Andrew what Bob my favorite earbuds to listen to music with is ray con Yeah, ray con are incredible. The only thing I use it's it's so easy the slick They're tiny and tiny and you can switch the songs out. It's so easy to switch the songs. Yeah, and it's really I love it. It's stylish. I think they're cool because they're half the price of other expensive wireless earbuds You get ripped off by the way if you're getting ripped off and buying those other ones You're an idiot because uh, you're the benefits. Yeah, here's what's great six hours of playtime seamless bluetooth pairing More bass more bass and more compact design

More compact design and noise isolating fit right? They snug so closely in your ear that you cannot hear anything else even if you're heavy waxed up ears Just like Bobo. It doesn't matter. They're sleek and stylish. You know, you're a bit of you're waxy You're a little waxy and they fit in there. The company was co-founded by Ray J And many celebrities are obsessed with it snoop dog brandy jr smith and mike tyson They all vouch for ray con me and Bobo do love ray con. We both use it independently I use it when I run Bobo does it when he's hanging around the house and dancing in his underwear Give them a try ray con has a 45 day free return policy

So you can make sure that the pair of wireless earbuds for you pretty good If you don't like I'm giving back to him and say I don't like this But I doubt you will for a limited time get 15% off your order at buy ray con dot com slash bad friends That's buy ray con dot com slash bad friends you get a 15% discount on ray con wireless earbuds Make sure to check it out now while the deals are running. It'll be gone soon buy ray god Dot com slash bad friends better help you guys. Um during this pandemic without this this Service I don't know what I would have done because it saved my life I think therapy is so important right now and we're going through the issues and

This has been just a weird time and it's just really healthy to talk to somebody Yeah about problemos that you're having and most people don't know who to turn to Better help genuinely is wonderful. We both used it. I'm a big advocate for therapy as well You can start communicating with somebody in under 48 hours. That's really simple and it's not self-help It's not a crisis line. It's professional counseling. Okay. It's done all on the internet from the comfort of your house You don't have to go anywhere. You don't have to be like I don't want to talk to someone in some office Do it from your house you log in from your account anywhere You are worldwide you can also log in your account and then send a message to your counselor

You'll get timely and thoughtful responses plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions So you won't ever have to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room. You know those waiting rooms so uncomfortable gross As with traditional therapy, that's right better help wants you to start living a happier life today You can visit the website. You can read testimonials and see all the stuff that's available to you to get good help Start talking to someone. Don't let the pandemic weigh you down. Speak with someone Visit betterhelp.com slash bad friends. That's h-e-l-p better help join over the million people taking charge So many people have been using better help. They're recruiting additional counselors in all 50 states So wherever you are, they'll help you a special offer for our bad friends listeners

10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash bad friends. That's right whenever whenever you can get into the depths of like the cultural cultural differences That's what I think When you're able to make fun of them as a stand-up Oh, it's so fucking funny. There's a few guys that do it so fucking well. Yeah, let's show the gaps of stuff Oh Because I don't have that like for my parents, you know, they didn't you could do like a Boston thing or a Chicago thing with your dad Yeah, it was just their mean our parents are just mean American parents are just mean to their kids, right? And yours are mean because they want you to be good ours are mean because we're already bad kids

Do you see what I mean? Yeah, a foreigners kid goes You better be good because we worked hard to be here and American parents are like you're a piece of shit And it's our fault. It's interesting. You say that because I have been thinking about how Foreigners come here and I know my parents were the same and what year do they come to America in the late 60s? What a time. Yeah, but they're they come here For us Right solely for you come for their the next generation. They go they're gonna get a good education

They're going to you know be culture. There's a lot of culture. Yeah, you know, I mean, they're gonna go to great college They're gonna, you know, I'm gonna give them everything That I did not have. Yeah, and the next thing you know, you know, their son is like doing crystal math You know behind a tree jerking off into a hustler magazine, right? Yeah in the middle of the forest. Yeah, right? And that's what they made. Yeah. Yeah, and their kids don't take advantage of it But you're actually the American dream You bounced back think think about that. That's actually the American dream You bounced back. So no you tell that to my dad in how many other he's dead in how many other countries

How many other countries can someone do what you did get into by the way in the Philippines? Isn't isn't drugs like you know, you get a prison for life for drugs. Yeah So first of all, what other countries could you get in as low as you could and then still bounce back and look at you now So many countries you'd be in prison or dead Well, yeah, I mean if I my parents had me there in Korea, you'd be dead not just dead I would or it could be like I can't maybe drugs aren't because I think Drugs were tied into some of my trauma. Yeah, right. So it's like maybe I wouldn't have gotten into drugs Maybe I'd be a sake drinker or whatever or you know an alcoholic or something else. Yeah, but imagine the job

I would have I would probably just being hauling rice Right in a factory and I would take telling you know, my friend Han a joke. Yeah He's like, oh no falling You know and my back is like hunched Yeah, I know it was funny, huh? You're so you're so curved. That's it. He's like, yeah If we had a stand-up comedy here, you could have done that. I know but we don't so How many more bags 52,000 more, you know, whatever. I'll be just doing some fucking. Yeah You know, so you're living the literal American dream. You bounced from back from zero. Maybe I'm you know, in South Korea

I'm very lucky. You are you are very lucky. So is she oh my god. She's lucky. We don't we don't call the feds on her right here We can get you deported pal We can get you kicked out right away. That's your sulk Oh, and she's like she's just studying right and she'll come out and her Her shoulders are down and she'll just do a little pow like oh, you're hot You know me everything is so hot you press. You know what I mean? It's like Dude, we give you fucking everything. Yeah, you have everything. What are you really depressed about though? Rudy depression can come from other things bob. We know that I'm not depressed

I'm just tired from doing all my homework. You know, she started school Yeah, but what do you mean? You're tired from doing your homework. Yeah. Oh shut up. Oh my god Shut up you shut up Ungrateful you ungrateful little brat. Yeah, are you really tired from doing your homework though? It's bumming you out Yeah, I'm just tired. Yeah. No, I get it straight a's. You know that right? Yeah, she because that's why she's tired She's actually doing it. Yeah, you and I wouldn't do we don't do it. No, I was never tired. I got season d's Yeah, did you get really good season d's? Yeah. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I know. That's why we are where we are I know but when you got season d's, what did your parents say to be expected?

No, they didn't they didn't yell at you. No, so so I was a c average right and I'd get a b once in a while Yeah And I get an a I got an a like only once or twice in high school and it was in creative writing Because that's what I knew. I like pretty good and And the other one was in like Oh, like like like econ or something something like simple business math, you know what I mean like intro to like econ or whatever Right, it was easy. It was just like oh, yeah, I know how to fucking balance a checkbook But I couldn't like you knew also got those good grades. Who trump? That's exactly right. All right. That's exactly right

That's what he did. That's exactly right. That's exactly right And then in cop and then in high school though my parents were like You're just gonna have to figure out your own path. I never was going to go to a good college I was never that good of a student. You know why school was boring so boring. I it was I was miserable You know as soon as I got out. I felt good. I was like, oh, I can try everything I can do whatever I want. I can learn stuff if I need to learn shit I learned more now On my own than I ever did in school. You know how I would have got straight is

If they paid me if money was an incentive No, here's the thing like even like when I used to be in the workforce in my 20s like in restaurants You know, you wake up at you have a seven o'clock. You have to be in the morning. Yeah at 6 30 get up, right? You just like are late, right? But you're going because you need to make money. Yeah, it's there That's why I'm up if you had if you had to get up and bust tables for free You would never show up. Why why am I going? You would never show up Yeah, so what my point is is that if you paid me not a lot couple bucks five bucks an hour Fine buck a class. That's that's probably take 20 classes a day. I take as many as I could

Yeah, I would never leave for every a you get like 2,500 bucks. Holy shit. I'd be straight. Oh straight a I'd be I'd be one of those. There's no incentive Yeah, what is it? You go you basically you have to work hard for free Yeah, and it's like for me. It's like what am I doing here? This is the worst You know what I mean? I'm absorbing information. Why am I what is this and and most of the information Hate to break to you kid. You're never gonna use most some of it's very useful. Have you like what like what? I think you should learn. I think you need to know basic math. Okay, you need but only multiplication dividing

Yeah, you need to learn percentages is probably like I don't know any I don't I never used it. Oh, yeah, you do How tip? Oh? Yeah, I mean yeah, but I'm not I just said basic tip all right at a restaurant basic numbers If if if my bill was 33,000 dollars, uh-huh 33,243 dollars. What are you eating right then? I would have to learn that what were you eating for 33 sounds. That's an insane bill I know where are you? I know but because when you go you generally go to a restaurant It's like 50 bucks. You can just calculate in your head. It's pretty easy to percentile Can I try something? Oh my god, your bill is is 128 dollars. What do you tip?

I just off hand Well, yeah, we're off. Hey, I don't have a ti 83 nearby. So I'll just tell you what I would tip. That's what I'm asking you How much 128 dollars 128 just round it to 130? Okay, I would be I'll probably leave 40 bucks. That's an extremely nice tip. Yeah Yeah, do you know what 20% of that would be really? But that's what I would leave so if you round up to 130 13 times 2 is 26 Because I know a hundred dollars is 15 15 percent of a hundred dollars is 15 dollars

Okay, just start with the original. No, no, no, let me just do it the way I with I think I thought don't don't do that No, let me tell you that's why teachers. That's why teachers never got through to me because of that Okay, let me let me revert back when teachers do that. You know, I mean, it's fucking annoying. Well, let me try let me try it again Here you go. I'm a teacher, right? I don't want to do this anymore. Okay, so Bob I'm sweating. So Bob I'm sweating. So Bob. Yeah Actually, how about this don't challenge me you stay on that because you're over tipping and that's a good thing. Yeah That's a good thing. Yeah, 20% would be around 26 bucks. You're giving, you know, yeah You're you're you're fucking giving almost double. You're giving like 40% tip

So it's uh, um, three three dollars at the toy. So 15 Eight dollars. So, um, what's it how much is the bill? It was 128 But I said just around so I would pay to be 15% is 20 dollars closer to that 15% Yeah What is it the actual but you want to tip 20% right? But what if it what's 15% 20 dollars? Yeah. Yeah, that's so I would probably leave 40 bucks double it just go back to what we were before. Okay Well, then I like that. I think that's nice. At least you're over tipping You know, there's nothing worse you in school. That's all that was the bet if they

They should pay they should pay. Yeah, but you know what's so funny though sometimes Uh Like I don't want to discuss this with you because I don't know you don't know anything about it But they're trying to talk they there's a pay-to-play in college sports. That's a big deal It's a big argument whether people should do you think college athletes should be paid? Yeah Yeah, but because because there's a school make money. That's right. And they make money because lebron james Or whatever he never went to college Uh, let's let's make up a sport guy

Well, there's a running bag. Let's just make up a running almost everyone else to just name another guy I must have him his name is fatim aloha la fatim Muhammad No, fatim aloha. Oh, philim aloha. Yeah, and he's from Nigeria. He's a great running back. Yeah, he's he's amazing Right. He goes to and that's the post. He's like he breaks all the records. He he does he runs it into the nz He runs it in the end zone, right? 20 times a game. That's impossible. But yeah I don't know how the sport works. So just say like four times a game isn't that seems ridiculous to me 12 times a day game 12 times a game. He always he goes from the five yards

into the nz's Eight times a time every time a time eight times a time. He's so good, right? Wow. Okay And he can weave and move around and so it's the whole town of the you know, I mean colombo Let's say there's a town called colombo, right? And call it just call it to college colombo college 3a 3a college team and colombo's a colombo. He's like, you're a good runner You're a good runner kid and for team aloha la right, right? He goes from the five to the nz's right Yeah, eight nine times a game the whole town of colombo realizes it. They love it. They go We don't usually sport, you know, I mean the red jams

You know, that's the team's name. They're called the red jams. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah The colombo red jams Yeah, the colombo red jams and you know, you know, you know, they We're only, you know, ninth division We're 3a team but we're ninth division. Oh, so they're 3a. Yeah. Yeah 3a team or ninth division, right? And whenever during during the regular season, right, they they never win They never win right even though they've got fatima. No, it before they never won before fatim when fatim showed up So the colombo the people in colombo, they go, why do we go? You know, it's embarrassing, right? I mean, yeah

The skylarks beat us every time. Well, they're really good. Yeah. Yeah, because they have that kid from from new guinea Yeah, new guinea. And he's very good. You know what I mean? Always crush us, right? He probably runs in the nz. Maybe 13 times again Yeah, and the town of middle town where sky love that skylark school is in middleton middle 10 middle 10, right? And the kid, you know, they bury us every time. They're the best 20 years that kid's been burying us. It's unbelievable. Yeah He's can't get out of high school. Let's call it. This is college sport. You can't get out of college. Yeah So but this is a fatim, right? He comes right straight from Nigeria Right from the plane to the football field right to the field. Wow. They go lose right to practice and they realize right away, right? He's got like real strong legs

He realizes it right away. They even analyze it the sports doctor, you know, they all have a sports doctor Yeah, colombo, they bring them in, right? Yeah, and they analyze for teams legs, right? And they see extra muscles around the calves It's like, you know, the regular muscles and there's another one that protrudes out, right? And they poke at it You know how doctors do? They poke at it, right? Yeah, and they hear It's metal? No, it's not but the muscle makes a metal sound Right, it's that tight. That tight They take three steps back to doctors Oh, they look at it. We got it. We got the guy. We got the guy. The scout didn't hey, Randy

Yes, some nerd with glasses. He's in a wheelchair. Yeah, he comes in He comes in, right? Yeah Great job scouting him in Nigeria. Oh, thank you Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then so then they push Randy out Right, right. He's gone and the get here's the ball. Oh, do you give they give they give uh for team the ball Yeah, and let's give the ball because he's not the quarterback Right. No, he's a running running Dylan skybar park right here I'm Dylan skybar

Foreign resident in middle Middleton. I'm the Skylar He handed it off to fucking, you know, and so he just Like the road runner Right the whole town the whole town the whole town a whole town of Colombo Oh, right before it was a few people in Colombo. I think it's like 22,000. No, what 14 million 14 million people are in Colombo Yeah, they all come they have to make the stadium so much bigger. They got to build a new stadium Yeah, yeah, like they make it bigger than the biggest stadium ever Really? Yeah. Wow 14 million people from Colombo are showing up to watch it 14 million people are there, right?

Okay, and you know they can charge so much they can charge 300 dollars ahead per ticket What and now for team he's every fucking year Right That's all he hears right that's all you hear touch down you could be you could be right in fucking Chicago And you could hear touch down that loud you hear touch down that loud you you're like, you know, you're working at a fucking subway Yeah, right not not the sandwich shop in the subway. Oh underground underground. Okay, right and you just what? Right and the team must have scored another touchdown in Colombo, you know, I wish we didn't live, you know

So close by how close is Colombo to Chicago two different states over two states away. I can hear Talks on that often south cheese. I don't know. I can't think of the states right now, but south, okay? Yeah, so then years go by and then one day for team He goes halfway He doesn't go he doesn't go full way. He doesn't do that He stops right He puts the football on the ground He sheds one tear like the american indians do when you litter. Oh boy. Yeah

And he walks off the field and why Because the school is making billions of dollars If a team still lives in with his grandmother doya He lives at doya's house. Where does he has no money and he he knows that the whole fucking town of colombo You know, he's making so much money. He gets nothing. They're making that's why you have to pay college athletes because of a team exactly

What do you think I think we should send this to the nc double a and see what they think We'll write it up because I really you know what I just wrote it. I never had a cause I never had a cause. I had never you know, but we're down with play when I see when I see I get angry about things Yeah, when I see Hispanic kids being at the border and they're they put baby put in cages It breaks my heart. They're putting who in cages Well, you know how like people sneak over and then they take the hispanic kids. They put them in the cages Well, yeah, because they got so much energy. What do you need to let them wind up? Oh, that's true. Yeah

You got to put them in something to keep them. Maybe put them in a hotel room though Not not out of four seasons, but like, you know, a motel sex like a courtyard. Mary our courtyard What did they put you in Andres when you guys came over? Yeah, you have never been big on causes Yeah, I never yeah, but I think I could get behind that one because I think it's it's a travesty pay to play is great Particularly the effect when they make money. What is the argument against it? Well people that do argue against it, which I I am not they say, uh, it's usually this guy ready. It's this guy Yeah, I think we should start paying uh college kids. Let me take let me tell you something stupid

Well, don't let me tell you something. You pay they go to school for free. They get a free education. Okay, which is life It's life growth and then when they're done, they can go into the pros and get paid up there But it doesn't work out. You get a free schooling. Okay? And the money that you bring in goes to the team and the school and the school itself to support this wonderful It's wonderful university and we have history. So no, they don't deserve a dime. Yeah, but um, so Fatim's gonna leave if you don't pay him. Well, he can go on and go on then but but we but but but but we won't Fatim They think that that because they get to go a free education

That's the benefit that they get free food free meals free lodging a free education a free start. Well, you don't pay everyone Uh, oh so like you don't pay you don't pay everyone only the good guys get paid Yeah, you get the ones that are like, you know, the stars. Yeah, but what do you say to the other guys then? Get better get better It gives us as incentive So if you so so give them incentive to get paid just like you want it like the Fatim situation Let's see if there's a guy named Todd. Oh fuck. I do. I don't I can't stand not that's a director director. Yeah No Todd Todd

Think I'm just I don't we don't know his last name his name is Todd Todd Uh, Todd Todd Rosende that Todd Rosende. Thank you And Todd looks at Fatim and he goes hey man, I can only do two a day a game He only gets two NZ's a game. Yeah. Yeah, but this is a guy Fatim's getting 16. Yeah. Yeah better than you I would if I was Todd I would go to Fatim one day and go Hey, man in Nigeria, how do you get that extra muscle in your calf? No, honestly, yeah Is that we would I don't know. I don't know how to do a Nigerian accent

And when you run from when you run from Tiger's all the time That's the exact same accent you do for like everything It's but when you run from Hello friends. Oh my god, god, you know during this pandemic hello fresh has saved my life I love their food. It delivers right to your door. It's easy to make. It's high quality food It's really delicious. It's very nice easy to follow recipes too. And Bobby, you know He's telling you the truth. He doesn't leave his home. I can't get him to go have lunch with me in public So he gets food delivered to the house and that's the only way I can get him over to my house

Is it you can also say 40% by using hello fresh versus shopping at your local grocery store and it's more convenient Also, it's much cheaper than uh ordering out at some fancy restaurant get some hello fresh and cook it for yourself at your own home tons of different delicious options and 90% of the ingredients are sold or sourced directly from growers. They also have vegetarian stuff low calorie stuff Yeah, friendly recipes. It's it's cool, man. Also, hello fresh is a great company. They donated over 2.5 million meals to charity And this year they're stepping up food donations to local communities amid the crisis So when you're at home, don't leave the house. Just get hello fresh delivered food to your door. So this is very good It's flexible for your lifestyle. Keep your fridge stocked up

Uh with all sorts of good stuff, right? I love it, right Bob. I only I love that This is something that I use in my own personal. No, I know I like it very much. It's easy to do. It's easy to cook It's committed to making fresh fresh elicit food available for you to Get at your house go to hello fresh dot com Slash bad friends 80 and use code bad friends 80 that's $80 off your first month, man That's incredible. That's incredible. It's a deal of a lifetime free shipping on your first box

So they'll give it to you for free and restrictions are going to apply go to hello fresh dot com for more details But go to hello fresh comm slash bad friends 80 use the code bad friends friends 80 bad friends 80 get 80 dollars off Okay, blue two guys remember the days when you were always ready to go Now you can increase your performance and get that extra confidence in bed. Listen up blue two dot com That's blue. Let the color blue. I've used it. Andrew. Yes. It really does work So if I chew chew right and point point point two two point point. Yeah, yeah It's a first chewable uh with the same FDA approved active ingredients as viagra and sea alice So if you're having a little bit of trouble, um getting the uh getting the train uh to go at full speed

Go ahead and get some blue chew chew it and you will feel the difference. They're prescribed online by physicians License so you don't have to go to the doctor's office and wait at a pharmacy Do it from the comfort of your own house. Where are they made bob? They're made right here in the us of a america Baby, they ship directs your house and they're cheaper than a pharmacy. We got a special deal for our listeners Oh my god, what a deal if you're looking to get the blood foe back to the the the man in your basement try it out Go to blue chew dot com Get your first shipment for free when you use the special promo code bad friends. Just pay five bucks again That's blue blue chew dot com promo code is bad friends to try for free. It's better cheaper faster

Uh, you make this podcast uh what it is by helping our sponsors So please use the promo code bad friends at blue chew dot com. Mm-hmm literally I just found out about that just now. I'm shocked that they don't get paid anything. Yeah, they don't that's a bit It's a it's a big debate because a lot of times I mean, let me ask you that's something in in a sport like that. Mm-hmm Not all kids go to pro, right? Does every college kid playing for end CAA team? No, do they go to pro? No So basically not even all want to of course. I mean, no, that's not that's not true necessarily Most d1 athletes wish they could go pro but most d1 athletes realize at some point

It's not gonna happen, right? So like there's a division. There's people that they know are gonna go pro There's three classes in my mind Fact you're gonna go pro. There's no doubt. You're one of the best. It's like a joke. You're fatim. Yeah second level You're good You could go pro. Yeah, you never know or you could get out and go. I just want to work and do a regular job I don't want to fucking do sports professionally because I'm not good enough to stay Third level of of college athlete is like look. I'm a white guy. I'm good at basketball. I'm 6-2. There's no fucking way I'm going pro, but I'm having fun

There's that guy too. So that guy should get paid the guy who's just having a good time that I mean It's like it's because you can anyone can let me ask you this. Yeah, I'm kidding. If I went to school like college What's a good basketball college? I mean University of North Carolina. I go to University of North Carolina, right? I get in Duke Can I just show up and go I want to be on it? Uh, if you're in if you're a college register if you're a registered college Yeah, I'm a college register. Okay, and can I just go to the stadium or the the training area? Yeah, and sign up and go

I want to be on the team. Well, there's no sign up But yeah, you could go there and say I'd like to try out if you have to try out No, no, so if they have walk-ons not every school has walk-on tryouts Some schools do say hey, we hold walk-on tryouts You can try to join but the other players have been drafted have been so those kids There are on all the teams had to either try out or get scouted most of them got scouted It's rare to get a walk on if they've never seen you play basketball. You can't be on the team You could if you're fucking if you've never played ball and you show up in your for team

No, you don't you just show up. You don't even play and you go. I want to put me on the team Yeah, they go get the fuck out. Okay. So there we go. Yeah, right So the people that are on the team right that are on the third tier as you were saying like the best of the best They should get paid because they did all the work to get on the team Yeah And if the school is making a bunch of fucking money, they're making a lot of money. They're making a lot of money They should make money. I agree. That's I'm on your team. I'm on your side You're making these guys play and also a college education is worth what anymore. Are you going to go to college?

Yeah, she's looking right now. Where where are we going to go? Where are we going to send you? And on whose dollar you better get a scholarship We're not paying. Are we paying for that? We're not paying for that scholarship Where do you want to go? What's your number one school? I don't know yet. Maybe just uh, hey, hey, hey community Yeah Community college. Yeah, why community college? Um, Roger said that it pays, um mess Roger said it costs less. Yeah, and who's Roger?

Um grandfather Right community colleges, right, but I think you're smart. You could probably get a scholarship somewhere. You could probably Maybe I think so. Don't you well, she's getting your license too Oh, that Roger's taking her driver. She has her you have interim permit or what do you have? Um, driver's permit. She has a driver's permit. Are you letting her drive? No, why not? Have you driven my car once? No, but if you when you get your permit you need hours to log in. Yeah, let Roger do it Why in just in case What's the different you don't you don't care about your car? What is the worry that she's a bad driver?

Answer me No, I'm trying I I would answer if I had the answer. I don't have the answer So why can't you drive your car on the way home today? Say say tito bobby. Can I drive home today? There's no way There's no way. Why I'm still practicing Because the first time practice on the way home. I'll tell you why The first time I asked her let's go driving. She did a no, no, no, no, you know, I mean like a freak out thing So she there was no confidence behind it. So then I was like, oh, okay So you have the skills you you lost confidence because of her lack of confidence. Yeah, I think that's what it is

Well, well you at some point you're gonna have to just jump all in You can't be scared because if you drive pensive and nervous, you know, it's gonna happen That's when you get in an accident. So you got to drive aggressive Let me give you a couple simple rules that my mother taught me when I was young my aunt Kathy actually taught me this Um, when the light is green, what do you do? You go when the light is red. What do you do? You stop when the light is yellow. What do you do? You slow down. No, you speed up. You go as fast as you possibly can to get through the light You don't ever slow down at a yellow hit the gas even if you're in the middle of like the intersection, right?

And it turns red. You're you're the one with movement. Yeah, you're already going. So you have the right away Yes, Rudy. Yes. Yes. You don't know shit. You don't know anything How how far behind when you stop at a when you stop at a light how far behind the car in front of you? Should you be? um 100 feet as close as you possibly can you get as close to the car in front of you and it's okay to even to be touching It's fine. It's fine. You can touch the cars. It's called a bumper. Yeah, bump bumper Yeah, you bump bump bump bump. You can bump them and go pee pee. Go go ready to go seatbelt You wear one or not? You wear one. It's a suggestion and also it's a suggestion. It's a reverse psychology thing

Yeah, because get this. You're in a fiery ball of flame. I can't get my seatbelt off. I can't get my seatbelt off Right. It's burned to your skin. Meanwhile. I don't wear one. I'm on the sidewalk. Are you okay? Get out. Get out of the car. Yeah, I'm smoking. Get out. Get out of the car. In fact, you know what I did in my car? You can look afterwards. I've taken scissors I've cut the seatbelt right out of the car. I don't even want it in there Or you know what I've done because sometimes seatbelts make noises if you don't have it on when they do So I have it on but I just now my back is against the seatbelt. I sit on it. I sit on it. I do the same thing Yeah, so it's not on me. You've got some of you've got some of them, right? You've got some of it. Yeah

When you run out of gas, let's say you run out of gas on uh In a neighborhood somewhere. What's the first move? You go to the side of the curb and then you call no Put the car in park get out and walk away Leave it Leave the car. It's not your problem anymore Call someone go. Hey The car's out of gas on briar street. I gotta go. I got stuff going on

Someone needs to get in fix and help the car now your problem also in an emergency, right? You can kind of use another person's car You're allowed to you're allowed to it's called commandeer another here another vehicle So you run out of gas you've got some anti-colonialist says it depends on what you have to do Like if you if you have to go to the gym not necessarily But if you're late for like a development meeting at a studio, yep, or you or dinner or or dinner dinner A good dinner if you've got a good dinner finals Yeah finals you have you can steal any car

And then take it so the code is you go up to a car like at a stop light you run out of gas and then you knock on the window Tell them to roll it down, you know if they have an old roller I don't know if they have or And they roll it down go i'm commandeering this vehicle I have somewhere to be and if they say no you punch them as hard as you can Open the door pull them out get in the car and say have a good day and keep driving But this is this is america dude. This is how you give it back the car No, you you drive until it runs out of gas and then you leave that one where it is as well

Hopefully you'll run it out of gas near your home with a location that you're going This is stuff that you gotta know i'm not gonna drive with her You're not gonna let her drive does it roger's our grand her grandfather roger's a good guy How old is your grandfather 72 does he drive well? Yeah He's a good guy because sometimes old people when they're way like a way that they drive Dude, I ran an old person off the road when I first moved to la. Did you really? Yeah, she hit a tree Did she die? I didn't stick around That's illegal bro. You have to stick around

Eesh Can I tell you what happened to me 14 years ago? I was with my brother steve. Mm-hmm. It was a friday night. Yeah It was raining And I was on la cienica in sunset, right? So I was going up la cienica. I know where in a rented car Um, by the way, I didn't run an old person off the off the road. I know even I shot that's why I went over Sorry, that's why I ran over the Yeah, yeah the bit but but honestly you have a joke. I did you have a joke

I did what the do what I was doing the ocd. Go ahead. Tell me the joke now See how weird it is. It's over. Go ahead. No, you have to see the joke now because I did a couple that like the time it passed Mm-hmm. It's a lot a lot of times in podcasts. You think of something but then the the timing, you know I mean, and then you it's gone. Yeah, and then you just let it go But not today. We're not doing that today. Tell me the joke So I ran this old lady off the road, right? She hit a tree. She hit a tree head on. Yeah And I didn't stay initially. I kept driving. She was to stay then I felt bad Yeah, I turned around I came back to the scene. Yeah, I got her out of the car

I noticed that she was still breathing And I got nervous because now there's a witness So I took off my shirt. She was bleeding And I pretended like I was going to cover up her wound and I just wrapped it around her head and I strangled her to death You were on la la sienna gun sunset You're on la sienna gun sunset. Go ahead Sorry, I sorry. Sorry. Hold on. Sorry. I strangled her wait. I strangled a little dark. I started now. Can you switch it? Yeah, change it a little bit. Go ahead. I ran an old lady off the road. She hit a tree when I first moved to la

Yeah, did you stop or Yeah, I did. I stopped to make sure she was okay Yeah, and when I saw that she was totally fine and there was no big deal I pulled out my magnum 357 and I shot her a thousand times. Yeah What a clever guy sunset in la sienna. Yeah Well now my bit see now be my You gotta do it now my bit doesn't work after that one. You don't have a choice I know but I have to do it, but my bit not even it has nothing to do with that

Oh, I've told you my story. I actually hit a guy with my car and this is real. Yeah, I hit a man in the rain Yeah, I'm sorry to tell my story. No, that's good. No, I hit a man in the rain. Go ahead It was raining in la sienna gun sunset. You hit a man on the rain. I did. Okay. All right, so let me tell my first So, uh, this is that so we I rented a car It was like a chrysler and it's one of those cars where if you look at the dashboard, you don't know where like the Gas light is where the, you know, where you're running out of gas. Sure Like all the symbols look kind of the same. I just never looked at it or whatever and we had just gotten the car So I'm like, I just you don't assume that you have to refill it not right away out of gas. Oh, shit

So it was raining 5 p.m. Friday La Sienica, right for those that don't know it's it's it's an incline like this. Yeah, and it's the most it's the most The most traffic. Yep congested place on planet earth on earth on earth Yeah, it's just cars everywhere And if a car Stalls there. Oh boy people don't go home for five hours. Yeah, at least So it stalls

Right, I put the emergency brake up my bro. I'm with my brother smart and I go stay Because you know, there's a chevron right there. Yeah, go get gas My brother was panicky runs in the rain, right people are honking screaming at me. I'm just sitting there sweating I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Right my brother comes right with the fucking thing and we pour it into the the um, What do you call it gas hole the gas hole It's one of those Nozzles right where you have to either push it in for it to come out. Yeah So my brother was doing it

But but he was pushing it in in the wrong spot and it was the thing wasn't actually in the hole So he went all on the side of the car He had to go back there again with the same thing. They go. We don't have another thing I think he's trying to instruct my brother how to do it. Yeah, and my brother comes back and now my brother and I are Going to kill each other. Yeah, and all of a sudden I see this guy Right these two guys one guy didn't do anything, but they were both wearing comedy store t-shirts employees Who was it? It was Steven fury. Okay in a song. Oh nice. You know what song? Yeah, I know the both very funny

Yeah, they're good dudes, but I didn't know that who that it were at all. You never met him yet No, I mean, I'd see you know how I am with the at the comedy store. I'd see them around You don't know who anybody I didn't know them. Yeah So I go, um, they go. Hey, you need help Bobby? Yeah And Steven fury does it he puts it in Right and I looked at him. I go you're gonna open for me and I gave him opening dates Yeah, that's how I knew him really but then when he once he started open for me. I realized how strong you are

He's very funny. He's so funny. He's extremely funny and a son. I gave us on dates as well, but they saved my fucking life That's that there was no joke. There was just a fucking no, that's really nice But you're in that fury I had a guy in the rain. Yeah, yeah, go ahead No, I had a guy in the rain. Yeah, that's a real story. I was I was going to a job I'm sorry. I was going to a dinner to get fired from a job. That's a fact I was going to get fired from my first job in LA. Yeah, and I was mad I didn't want to go and it was raining so bad on Crescent Heights and and Beverly where that big dip is where swingers used to be

You know how that's a dip down. Yeah Oh, I was swinger story I went through about a dip I went through so fast and the rain hit my car so hard It spread all of my window and I made a left a guy was running through the rain across the street And I smoked him shattered my windshield got glass on my face. I hit him So fucking hard. He came out of his shoes came out of his shoes. Okay. I got out. What's going on? Are you okay? Not okay a woman's like, I'm calling the cops call the cops. I was like, it's okay I have insurance. He didn't stick around. He fled the scene. I hit him and his buddy was like, let's go

We got to get the fuck out of here. They had a backpack. I thought something was wrong It's not funny. I hit a guy and then for weeks. I thought what if what if he died now? I think making up the story sort of got on my life. Well, you could go to prison why We called the cops they left they left the scene. Okay, and guess who didn't show up who the cops they never came I fucking sat there in the fucking rain waiting for the cops for this old baddy crazy woman I literally didn't hear any of the story. I kind of dozed off. That's why I asked you that I'm sorry. That's okay

I really didn't that's fine. I'm so fucked up that I do that. Yeah, you do it to me all the time. Yeah Yeah, I just want to give chris katana message. Can we call chris? No, no, call him. I don't want to call him So I chris katana call him. I don't want to call him. Bobby. I'm not calling Bobby. Call him, but Bobby call chris katana. I'm doing the same thing. Call him. I I'm not call him Call him. All right. Here we go. Great Chris katana, we'll put up a picture right here. I'm sure Yes Come on

Come on chris katana Hi, this is chris. Please leave me Now how does that make you feel When someone doesn't answer the phone when you call them now mad Really? Yeah, because I was feeling guilty because I don't text them back. Oh, I know because I saw all the blues on this side Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I was I was feeling guilty about it But now that I called and didn't pick up I don't feel as guilty anymore Are you relying where you were laying because of uh was something to happen in the text or were you saying that?

Because me and you what happened yesterday? You know, it's it's funny. I didn't I didn't know that I was doing a podcast with a little boy I didn't know I was doing a chris podcast with somebody that um Needed tissue paper to wipe his tears. I didn't know I was doing a podcast where you know what I'm going to get for your birthday a little violin A tiny little violin. I didn't know I was doing a podcast with a A biatch. It's so funny. I'm biatch. I'm going through my head right now of stuff that I want to like duty or throw at you Or or physically hurt you and I was like I can't I can't I can't I called but I actually texted bob 10 times in a row

Didn't text her call back. This is it's so fucking stupid and then I said hey Well, first of all, I said do you want to get lunch? I've done that twice in a row and you didn't respond either time First of all, you just say I'm good Thanks I'm good. I already ate. Okay. That's all I need to know And then I said bob because I played warzone The fans and me would love it if you went to the driving range with me. I wanted to go to the driving range. I thought it'd be fun I said, let's go to the driving range. I know you have nothing going on

I know you have nothing going on Because kalala sends me a fucking schedule. I get a screenshot of your schedule I know what the fuck you're doing nothing goose egg And you didn't come to the driving range with me and it's down the street from your house You can spit there from where you live I plan my life with you based on proximity for you If you said um, hey dude, um, I was Can you come to my house and have lunch because I haven't I haven't been to a restaurant in six months, right?

I have not since the pandemic jewels. Have we been to a restaurant? You went to men to see no farms. No, we get it delivered You didn't go you didn't go never eaten at a restaurant So when you go when you haven't eaten at one restaurant. No, so when you text me, hey, let's go have lunch It's like I'm not going to a restaurant to eat with I don't do we don't do that. Why because we're in lockdown No, we're not in lockdown Yes, we oh our our family Your family is stupid. Everyone is eating outside. There's outside stuff everywhere. We don't do it I haven't been to a starbucks

You know how badly I want to go to a fucking starbucks when we when I leave here with her Yeah, I look at her and I go can I go to starbucks because no I'll tell kalala you get trouble snitch You know what you know what I'm gonna eat on a patio. I'm gonna go to a starbucks after this and you're not gonna tell kalala like this Okay So my point is is that so when you when you text me that right? It's like I think I just assume that you already know the answer and the second of course I don't know the answer when I ask you to get lunch what you should say then is hey

Not eating at restaurants. Do you want to eat at your house or eat together somewhere else? We can get it delivered But you don't say anything and it's mean It's rude And the second text was um, do you want to play golf? It's like no driving range. Go to the driving range I don't know how to play it. That's the fun. I fucking bought headphones to play warzone. I don't know how to play it I'll do it. You're gonna tape it though. If I I don't want to do go to waste you have to tape it I'll film it. We'll bring a camera. Andres will you set up a camera so we can do it? Absolutely, then it's it's so much fun and rude can come

So wait a minute. Are you gonna be allowed to go to a driving range because it's outside? Probably not. It'll be a fight. But that's another thing. It's always a fight things But why doesn't why don't you guys she doesn't trust me? Right because you're gonna like lick somebody or something. No, it's not I don't lick things You know me, but she doesn't she thinks that like but if you're wearing a mask you're being safe and you're fine She just doesn't trust me and I and she has a she has a point, you know, I'm kind of like a You know, you're like a little kid. Yeah, like I just don't think of things like you've touched your face Seven to ten times during this podcast

I know I because my face itches. Don't itch it So my point is is she doesn't really trust me. So, you know, it's like, um What did you say? Oh, did he text you back? Okay. Hey, can I try you back later? No, say I need you now chris katan Cap city closed down Cap city comedy club in austin great Really? They banned me. I'm so happy that that's the case. That's a bummer. You know why because the improv is opening there Oh, it is. Yeah

Don't bring an improv in rogan talked about opening a club down there. And then I thought what if he buys cap city? Then would you do it? Oh, yeah, if it was his club And would you just talk about the whole time that you couldn't play it anymore? You got banned from it Well, it's so funny because the same thing happened at tempe. You got banned from tempe. Yes. What did you do? So at tempe, right I showed the audience. Oh, so so dan murr. You know dan murr So dan murr used to be the manager at the tempe improv, right? And he's gone, right? He passed away. He died. He passed away

What that's my sad face. I know it was very sad. He's not with us. Yeah So dan murr first comedy club I sunk into by the way There was a guy named Howard pollens that owned and he was a christian A good a good christian. So he got to the point where they told they only would hire christian comics, right? And so um, but then I showed up because mensia came in Right and I was opening for mensia and he's methodist No, whatever he is. Okay, and they go and they and they were like we don't want bobby's like yeah, but he's my opener And I knew that they were weird like that. So I showed the audience the inside of my butthole

That's christian, right Because I wanted to show everyone we're all pink on the inside or whatever, right? They and then after that I got a mad all that stuff and they still wouldn't put me up Just just for showing your butthole. Yeah So years 12 years and they said he'll never play here Wow, but then Um, my buddy bought it Who bought it? Oh, oh, oh the people who bought the improv. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So my buddy bought it and um

I was like the second or third act that they hired He said when I walked up on the improv stage I go I knew it was gonna happen. It's good to be here. Yeah, you did. I went. Did you show that audience your butthole? Yeah, yep, and guess what still pink still pink baby and you can play more brown than ever problem. Yeah, but you can play there whenever you want Yeah, I can I so if rogan buys cap city, you'll be happy to go down to austin and do it Or if he opens his own club Look, I think it's sad that that things are closing down. So it did make me sad, but then I thought what if

You know joe comes through and does this there's another club out there That's kind of like that too for me a lot of clubs, right will have me one time And they go, oh, it's too much for me. Or what about you? Don't you go one time and go? I don't want to go back That's rare. I mean, there are some gigs like virginia beach Where I went never been when I went I went oh, I like to play here every year And I remember like a year went by and I go and I did okay numbers. I could numbers improv That's a funny bum and I go um Can I go back and matt was it?

Probably never why You showed your butthole. No, but I go crazy on stage. You know me. Yeah, you lose it. But what about what are you doing? Yeah, they were like Enough we're not gonna have them. Wow. And then the one that broke my heart the most is columbus Why the funny bone because I love that room. I played it like 10 times, right? And he's a buddy of mine david strew but they just stopped booking me because you were just too much. Yeah no, man

By the way, let me say this. I respect the family rules of the house. You guys are being safe. I understand it It's a bummer because I want to be able to just get lunch with people outside sometimes Yeah, I'm just I'm not one of those that I get it. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Um, it's fine. I'm not I just I'm I'm gonna go to Whitney's house. I'm more mad to go to Whitney's house Tonight. No, like because she's doing that thing The stand-up stuff. Yeah, I can't do stand-up in front. No, I told her I'm not gonna stand up. I'll come and hang out I think that's what I'm gonna do. I don't know. I just being around stand-up is so strange right now Yeah, I can't imagine myself because I'm being invited like

You know people text me all the time. Hey, do my show and I'll pay you Yeah, I'm doing my first show this weekend. Where? Uh in glendale Where it's in like a backyard. It's in like a backyard thing. And who's doing it me sagura Uh a few special guests Ian Edwards. It's actually a good show and and uh, do you want to come? Obviously? Yeah, yeah But it's more it's more to just try. I it's been six months. Yeah, I can't do it And I need to practice because you know because because I'm going and doing dates in october. Oh, you have to go up. Yeah Yeah, I refuse to go up until there's a regular audience

Well, they are regular. What do you mean? What's wrong with them? They're scattered, right? They're six feet apart. They're you and me apart I mean because I look at like what chappelle is doing in miami and I go, um, not Miami, florida Dave chappelle. Yeah chappelle does that outside show. It's in ohio, right? Isn't he in yellow? Yeah, where he lives. Yeah miami Dave chappell presents Chappell

Miami, I don't know. I don't know dude. Bum bum bum wherever it is yellow springs, ohio It's that it's at his fucking house. I think it is like a ranch or something. Yeah, and I go I just think I go. I just that doesn't seem like stand up to me You would go if chappell sent you an invite you would go in a heartbeat to go to his little camp or whatever the fuck that is I don't think I would Dave chappell calls you on the phone. I don't think I would do what's up, baby Yeah, I know that's I don't know if I do I don't know if I want to do stand up If Dave chappell called your phone and said will you come to yellow springs and do a show and come hang out with me at the camp?

You would say I don't I don't think really you would say I don't think I want to go I think I would panic and I'd probably write a set and you'd go I'd probably go If chappell if the fucking goat told you to go. Sure. Isn't he the greatest? Don't you think he's the greatest? I think he's our generations richard parry. Yeah, I think he's the greatest comic. I've ever that's ever lived Yeah, I think that in my fucking I think in every generation. We have you know A type I think I think he supersedes time. I think that um our george carlin. Who's our george carlin? Do you think? Who's our george carlin? uh

Who's who's kind of like? He's he was politically angled and prolific. Yeah, but he also it has to be um Represent it has to represent the times as well So it's like in our era. It's because society changes and the culture changes. So it's like maybe burr. I think bill burr Yeah, burr would be a carlin our george carlin if if chappell is our richard prior. What else is another legend? Well, who's like who's our uh, I mean chris rock is kind of chris rock I don't think anybody I don't think he's like anything anybody before him. He's our bill cosby. Yep. Yeah. Yep What about what about uh signfeld?

He kind of falls and we're in the we're in the middle. I'm gonna say something controversial to you. Mm-hmm I don't understand it. You don't you can't you don't understand signfeld's tumor I I I can understand why people like it. Yeah, but I've never like looked at it. It's fine. Yeah, I never looked at it and You know, his wife pronounced my name wrong That's what it's about. Yeah, that's more what it's about. She called me billy And she didn't pronounce your name wrong. She said your name wrong. Yes pronounce. Oh, you're having fun booby Lee and I go And I go I know and I go She just called it billy in my mind. Would you call her nothing? I'm having fun

You know, she goes you having fun here billy and I'm having fun. Where were you guys? It was a weird like a bumper car rider No, you having fun billy. No, it was um, this is the I don't know what this has never happened before or after It'll never happen again. I don't know why it happened with the sign fields. No, what happened was Apatow Yeah calls me and he's never called me again I think something happened. I think I rubbed everyone the wrong way or whatever. I'll tell you all fair. Okay Do you really know?

So Apatow called me he goes hey, I have to go to this like this lunch brunch and it's going to be you me and um Wayne what's his name newton newton Wayne newton Wayne fetterman Wayne fetterman. Yeah And I go where is it? It's at the palm restaurant. Whatever the old one on Santa Monica So I go what is it and he's like it's Jerry Seinfeld's wife has a charity and it's a luncheon

And you want to go and I go I don't feel good. I go. I'm sick. I go. I'm gonna go So I wore my best Hawaiian shirt Right and I and I show up. Yeah, and it's me Jud fetterman Sitting at a table Sebastian's there too because you know Sebastian's in with Seinfeld. They're very close. They're very close He's the only guy that did a show twice. I think it was like when Sebastian saw me there You could see that he was shocked. He goes. What are you doing here? What are you doing? What are you doing here?

Right, and I go, I don't know Why I'm here. How mean is that when somebody goes? What are you doing here? You're like, I know I don't belong Oh, I have another story about a famous guy and I've never called him out This I want to call him out. Yeah, do it. I want to start a war But hold on. Let's do this first. So get through this Sebastian's. What are you doing here? You're like, I don't belong here. You're at the you're at the thing So I go, yeah, I don't know and then um, I met Seinfeld to walk by

Mrs. Seinfeld. No, Jerry. Oh with his wife and and they and I and I think Jud goes This is Bobby. He didn't know I was a comic Bobby. He's a comic. So hi. Nice to meet you Nice to meet you and then um, his wife goes nice to meet you and they walk by And then an hour into the luncheon. There was a bunch of speakers I don't even know what how bored were you? Yeah, and the shrimp was dry The shrimp was dry at the palm. Yeah, and then I remember um, she comes back. She goes, you having fun, Billy? That's fine. She's never met you before. She barely knows you don't even know her fucking name Yeah

And what did you say? Yes, I'm having fun. Yeah. Yeah, and you let that sit with you. Yeah I don't know you should let it go. That's insane. She just met her for the first time It's not like it. It's not like dude. I've met this girl 10 times. Yeah Can I tell you because I have stories of comics like that. Yeah, I've met you before Andrew, right? Yes, bitch. We've met a thousand fucking times. Stop pretending like you don't know me Yeah, yeah, I mean I I used to go to All those because I was sober. What about and I couldn't get any girls Right, right. And so this is so embarrassing. So I thought because I'm on a show

Yeah, if I went to a Hollywood place like joseph's that made me able to get a girl And I couldn't get any you still couldn't get laid. No, did you ever go to like rainbow room? And date the goth girls What's wrong with goth girls? No, no, no, I'm sure I just don't like pale skin I try to go out with a goth girl And she didn't like me. I think I don't know what it is. Didn't you do you definitely dated pale skin women? I did a lot. Yeah, like three of them that I've known. Yeah, so you do like pale skin women. I do like pale skin women. I don't know what you're talking about But that would that vibe. I mean like did you do that thing like the sunset shit? No, no, no

I I don't know why but I kind of was going for like Nightclub rats. Well, no, you kind of think to yourself. Can I elevate my game in my head? I thought the game Was there it wasn't yeah, but what I went was I went to my own people What was your own people Lila? Right, but that's years years later. Yeah. Yeah, I feel comfort with someone that's You know more closer to my ethnicity, I guess. Yeah, somebody that you know eats the same kind of things I do And doesn't look at my you know body and judges me in in a you know in any way in a lens of

Race, she doesn't judge you in any way physically. No. No, I know it's nice Like she's never looked at you. It's a real last night because I had You know, I almost didn't come to it because I had My stomach hurt so bad last I couldn't sleep I was achy and I was making groans No, no. Yeah, my tummy and Kalila would and I was farting Because we had this garlic sauce one of the garlic sauce. I was farting out something just abysmal, man Like it was it stunk up the whole room. I know. I know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and it was like um a thick

jungle like big napalm Napalm garlic and shit. That's like it blankets the room. Yeah blankets the room. Yeah, like the army could use it Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so it was just blanking the room and every 10 seconds It was like I was spreading my cheeks apart too. Oh, because you didn't want to flap. I didn't want to flap, right? Yeah, so Right and and and Kalila would just kind of rub my head. You okay? So what can I do? What can I do? And some pale white chick would have been like I'm out of here

Mm-hmm, right. Yeah, you're a grout. Are you farting? Yeah. Yeah. Go in the other room And I just kind of like the fact that Kalila is like will go deep into the pigsty. Will she smell it? She doesn't like it. Oh Yeah, she just is like it is she's gonna go That that would be hot. Yeah, she goes Yeah, so, you know, um, so you ended up where you belonged. Yeah, but there was a time where I was like, maybe I could get like, you know Did you ever get laid Milano or whatever? Did you ever get laid at the nightclub? You never took home one girl from all the years you spent in nightclubs

really What about girls that would like recognize you from mad tv? Still like a girl that comes up to you that's like you're so funny I want to drink with you and you drink and you party with them and you never got laid And what about like a kiss? I like joey Diaz in the sense that like I kind of dated in-house It's like you're like your cousins like family Because joey Diaz is you know girlfriend, right or wife, you know, I mean Was a waitress at the comedy store. Correct. Right. Yeah, and I knew her way back then. So it's like, um

It's just it's in-house, right? So it's like you start, you know Covet what you see like Buffalo Bill and Silence of the Lambs, right? You covet bad references. No, I love that reference I know it's the truth It's like you covet what's around so then you start dating, you know a comic Right, right or you know a waitress or whatever It's it that you know, that's the way when Jim Carrey, you know His first wife was a waitress at the comedy store. Yeah, you covet what you see And so I just kind of stayed in-house rather than going outside, you know, I think

Later in life, you know when I became um more of a name it became much easier when I had a fan base But in the beginning of mad tv, I didn't have that it was it took years And years to get a fan base before we go Yeah I want you to apologize to me for not texting me back even to say no, I don't want to The word no is fine No, no, I don't even need no thanks. No On text not in person in person you say you do say something nice to me. No, you apologize for your behavior

Say, I'm sorry. I should text back I don't know why I can't do it Just close your eyes. I can't do it. You don't have to look at me. Just close your eyes But I don't feel so is that okay if I don't feel sorry. That's fine. Just all right So just know what I'm saying. I don't mean at all At all, okay, like I don't give a shit Okay, okay. I'm sorry for not texting you back. That's good enough. Thank you for being a bad friend You