Bad Friends - Great Start, Fantastic Finish!

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

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Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership

It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob? Download the free anchor app or go to anchor dot FM to get started. I Yeah, I think I'm pointing to like tears. I've made it since I was 19 and I'm 23 now And my brother was on tumblr because he was scrolling through and he literally saw a picture of me fisting my own ass You two are bad friends Who are these two idiots? White people and an Asian dude You guys are weird

And you're looking good Have you seen a Korean guy around here? You two are sociopaths You two are disgusting You guys are nuts You two are wholesome and decent Oh good you two are back together You guys are freaks

You are a bad friend You two are dangerous from your coordinate You guys are gross Oh you two are something We're bad friends So do you want to start the podcast telling people that you don't care that you hit my wife's car last week? Well, I mean You could be anybody's car

I wouldn't give a fuck You hit my you hit my wife's car And you guess what dude? How much do I owe her? 15 grand Well then give it to me cash It doesn't cost 15 grand You have no idea what it cost

You know what's cost 15 grand? That stupid haircut that you have 15 grand? You think my haircut costs 15 fucking grand? You're doing a leave it to beaver kind of thing with a Nazi heart? It's not leave it to beaver It is a little bit of a nut It's a little Hitler youth Someone has to be tidy on this podcast

It's gonna be nice and tidy Look dude, I do not appreciate you hitting my wife's car and you don't give a fuck at all You don't even know how much Ask me then, ask me if I give a fuck Do you give a fuck? Yeah No you don't No she's not hurt dude, no one was in the car

You hit a parked car while you were parking It means nothing to me It really doesn't It means zero That's so fucked up You're my friend right? You're my friend I literally don't feel anything

But just say I'm sorry No You know how many times you've hurt me? I haven't hit your car I know you physically hurt my fucking vessel I've hurt your body My vessel Space suit

That's not a vessel Where does my soul live? In my vessel You think you've got a soul? Your vessel can be hit And I incur little damage over the years You hit my wife's car, you didn't even care at all You didn't even say I'm sorry

And you said what? I don't care I said like this I don't give a fuck I don't What? That's Stephen Hawking robot you I don't

I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck How much do you think it costs to fix a bumper? I don't know Two grand Okay I will

I won't I will not I refuse Let it go I'm gonna make you a deal I'm just gonna say something I purposely hit Your wife's stupid fucking car

And there's no feeling behind it And I don't give a fuck And that's the honest truth I'm not gonna give you any money No apology, you get nothing from me You can hit mine all day long I don't want to hit your car because it's a priest It's already a piece of shit

Hitting a piece of shit doesn't make it worse It just continues its piece of shitness If I hit your car with my nice car What a waste of time for me Your car is you By the way It's filled with trash They don't do the face as well

You want to do the face as well The red face Don't get upset with me because of the way I look Because I don't get upset with you by the way you look I look good For my type What do you think you are on a scale of 1 to 10? What's the on cuteness?

A 10 Bro, I have facts To prove that I'm cute Really? When I was on that monkey show I was on a monkey show called animal practice For about 10 15 minutes I remember it

13 episodes It was a really good show It was written extremely well Everyone liked it Everybody wants it to come back Mixed drinks or whatever that was At least I got At least I got to work with Larry Charles

I've done Work with him as well Who did you work with on a monkey show? The Russo brothers? Are they bigger than Larry Charles? The guy who did Borat? Or the Russo brothers bigger than the guy who did Borat?

They did Avengers Endgame? Let me see the parallel of comedy For the monkey show between Avengers Endgame George, you be the deciding factor In terms of money making In terms of cultural impact Avengers Endgame or Borat I love Borat

It's one of my favorite comedy movies of all time I was also in the dictator Larry Charles You were Kim Jong No, that was the Interview The dictator was Sasha Baron Cohen You were Kim Jong Il

Oh, he's great, I love that guy He's one of my favorite Asian actors I love Ron Howard He's an iconic person who was in Andy Griffith As Opie Taylor and then went on to be one of the greatest characters Of all time and happy days Let me ask you something George In terms of cultural impact

Endgame or Borat? Borat Yes, Borat What's quoted more? 100%, my wife Who quotes Avengers, give me one quote line from Avengers Endgame Let's go in the building That was in it

When they got shot I was good Hulk metaphor for five times Hulk metaphor for five times And he went Go, go, go and he did that Go, go, go Bobby, where have you been by the way?

Tell everyone you've been in Hawaii Yeah, I was in Hawaii What were you doing in Hawaii? Well, as you know, my dad died No, that was not why you went to fucking Hawaii Yes My dad died Fuck you

A lot of people's dads are dead Okay, is your dad dead? Surely, but metaphorically You don't know how it feels Yes, I do My dad's not dead, but I don't know him that well Would he abandon you? Yeah

I'm so happy about that Yeah, I know But I was in Hawaii, can I explain? Yeah, please So the first leg of Hawaii I had to shoot I read Karana's show Tell them what the show was Called Magnum PI

No, it's a great show It's better than Mixed Nuts, the show that you were on Not even on it anymore, it was 8 years ago, go ahead Okay, so and then I'm laughing because I think it's funny Do you know the cultural relevance of the original Magnum PI or no? I have no idea what it is, no Do you know the original Magnum PI?

No Do you know there was one before the one you're doing right now? I just found that out, yes Holy shit, do you know who the star was? Tommy Salak Tommy Salak Massachioed, man of the 80s and 90s And then there was a helicopter black man

What? There was a man in the original Who was a black guy, he rode the helicopter Sure Let's not talk about helicopters and black guys right now That's like, very weird That's you, that's a bad I didn't know what you were talking about when you said that

That was my Ari Shafir joke It was great, you did a great job No, so then I, let me finish So I did Magnum and then My mother's never Gone anywhere in the world Except for Korea in the United States She's never been to Europe?

No, my mother's never, my mother Took care of my dad for the last 12 years Because he was really sick Prior to that though She's never gone anywhere I'm asking why not Because she just didn't want to And my dad is not a traveler

He doesn't give a shit and so they just never went anywhere Now your dad can go wherever he wants He can float there, do you believe in ghosts? He floats underground You think your dad's in hell? I don't know man He wasn't a spiritual guy No, but anyway my, no he wasn't

Really? No He didn't go to church? No, my dad was a rageaholic You already know this, he Yeah, he's a bad, he was like I love him But he was just a really rage He was too much, yeah

Hawaii because At the tail end of it My mom flew to Maui We stayed at the Grand Wai'alea One of the best hotels in Hawaii Hotel and We did a lot of eating and traveling around And she really loved it

She's never seen a waterfall before Really? Yeah What was that like to feel her watch a waterfall for the first time? Was that really, did that really Was that really a moving moment for you? Huh? Yeah, because it didn't happen yet Bobby We have to lie

You know, but it's weird To talk about something that didn't happen yet It doesn't matter, they don't know that we didn't do this yet I know, but it's like, what if something happened in Hawaii Where I was thinking like, you know, my mom didn't have a good time Well, let's try to predict how it went Right, so I'm your mom Anyone listening now, let's just say it

Anybody listening right now, we're taping this early Because Bobby's going to Hawaii to shoot a bunch of Magnum PI episodes And I told him not to do it, but it's fucking up the release of the show Anyway, let's pretend that we're in Hawaii Yeah, I'm your mother And you're you, and we're seeing a waterfall for the first time, ready? Yeah, yeah Bobby's taping

I'm your fucking mom You're you, that's the waterfall Why did you think, Bob, you're pissing in this fucking episode? Because of this, it was sort of like I'm who am I? Can we back up though? You're Bobby Lee Who else are you supposed to be in this fucking scenario?

I don't know, there's other people going There's two characters in this scene You and your fucking mom Which one do you think you should be? Which one do you think you should be? I think I'm closely, I think I better Understand the character of Bobby Lee You're right

Would you like to be your mother and I'll be you? Yeah, okay, let's do that, let's role play Here we go, we're at the waterfall I'm Bobby Lee Do the sound Ma'am, ma'am Ma'am, do you like waterfall, have you ever seen before? That's exactly what it sounds like

Ma'am, I don't Do I really sound like that? Oh god How do you like the waterfall? It's okay You don't like too much? Let's go back hotel I'm tired

Oh, okay, well Waterfall here, first time for you Alright You're doing a dad fan impression No, I'm not Alright, I'll be you, I'll be Bobby You do the sound Why don't you like the waterfall, mom?

I'm being you, but I'm just I'm the me now Bobby, this waterfall, crazy You're doing the same You fucker No, it's not It's the same accent, you fucking cocksucker How is it the same?

Do me, do me real quick Okay, do my mom Bobby, this is a waterfall It's a little different I don't want to do this waterfall game anymore Alright, fine, we won't do it anymore Alright, so yeah, for the fans that want to know Yeah, Bobby's in Hawaii shooting, so that's why we had to come back

So here's the thing, we haven't gone I haven't gone to Hawaii yet And three days ago The Ari Shafir thing happened We're taping this episode prior to the release Yeah, it did happen The Ari Shafir thing, the Kobe Bryant thing happened Because I don't know where else to talk about it

You can talk about it now Yeah Unless you talked about it on Belly or you're going to talk about it on Belly I haven't talked about it on Belly I'm not going to talk about it on that You did say before the episode, for the people at home Bobby said, I really want to talk about it Here's the thing

People threatening his life Is crazy Number one, no one's going to do anything He's getting death threats, right? He's getting death threats from people No one's going to do anything Number two, people saying, yo dude You're a goof, you're not funny

You know what I'm tired of is when people comment I get it sometimes When they go, you're not funny It's like, I am Right, of course you are Because it's impossible to get to where We are Without going through 10,000 obstacles

Right Being vetted, showcases Just constant You can't get to the place that you're physically at Without any talent Right, so why are they writing it? Because these people are insecure They have their own fucking issues

So I wanted to say this before you continue real fast Somebody told me that Ice Cube Retweeted or put on Instagram Ari's video and now I can't find it Did you hear this? No, but I know that Rappaport did it Well Rapp did it Here was the other thing that happened with it

It was a racist piece of shit And a lot of dudes on Twitter A lot of black dudes were like racist It was really funny because I was like You could say a lot of other things This wasn't him being racist It's him just making a shitty Twitter joke It could have been a white basketball player

Rarely though, by the way That doesn't happen much They can't afford a helicopter White basketball player is kind of an oxymoron I mean there's a couple Chambers from the Phoenix Suns, do you remember him? What? Who? There was a white guy named Chambers

Chambers? Not with Chambers No, there was another guy No, there was a guy named Chambers Bobby, if you're looking for a white guy There's plenty of white guys that do play basketball I want to look it up now Phoenix Suns Chambers

This is insane Let's just Google it I got it, put your phone down Is there a guy named there? Tom Chambers? Yeah Wow, how do you know that? That's insane for you Because you're so bad at stuff like that

Because my brother used to have this NBA game And he hit Tom Chambers with somebody that was on the game Back then, back in the day He did this move I just remember and I memorized his last name Tom Chambers, he was an American basketball player Was he white? Huh? There we go, Larry Bird, white

None of these guys play anymore Can you name one white guy in the NBA that plays right now? Yeah This is insane Blake Griffin or Eric Griffin Blake Griffin Blake Griffin is not white, he's half white He's not black

Yes he is There's something going on Yeah, he's half white, half white There's also some redheaded thing going on He's like mixed with Sinbad I thought you were... There's like a keratopy kind of a vibe There was white half

So probably his white half Was redhead, some freaky redhead Irish, they were Irish, yeah And then the black was probably like some weird black And then they mixed What do you mean weird black? Like a Delroy Lindo black You know what I mean?

Am I digging a hole? No, I don't think that's racist what I'm saying No, I guess not It's up to you Tom Chambers was a first round draft pick 1981 You know who selected him? Your hometown

Your hometown San Diego Clippers The Clippers were at San Diego one point The San Diego Clippers in 1981 Can we go back to Ari or no? Yeah, let's talk about it So when they say That thread, that's crazy

You can't say You're not funny anyway It's like that doesn't make any sense Do you think what he said? No, you don't No I need a switch Or an obvious punchline Or something clever

So here's my point, real quick, not to cut you off The reason that they're saying you're not funny Isn't because they don't think his collective whole career is not funny That's not what they're saying Bobby, they don't know who he is So when they just see him for the first time They go, you're not funny because that's not funny That's what they're saying

So you said it's not funny The reason why You think that tragedy plus time Equals comedy, yes That has been said since The vaudeville days, right? It's a vetted thing It's something that is truthful

It's one of those that I can do Pearl Harbor jokes But this is 70 years past, right? Do you think it was 70 years ago? In the 1940s or whatever When did it happen? I'm not sure you knew your timeline

Because you know what you're trying to do We've done timelines before But you're trying to insult me and ridicule me You're setting it up, like do you even know? This is what you do, do you know? And if I say it wrong you go, idiot I would never say idiot I've never called you an idiot, not once

I know, but you think it Maybe So you think not enough time had passed He did it the same day it happened He did it probably hours after it happened And children Children are involved And innocent people are involved

Families are being ripped apart I can't imagine What these people are going through It's a nightmare It's awful The timing was super bad And also the rape thing It's not as if

Kobe Bryant is systematically A rapist It was one incident Was Bill Cosby? Yes Systematic I don't remember But he did something right Yeah, he drugged women

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But but that bad friends once again for $20 off your buffy bedding go to buffy.co and enter the code bad friends Thank you. Anyway. Yeah, you think because it involves children. It's like prison rules That's what I said to somebody prison rules. No no women and children type of shit, right? Yeah, if you kill a woman and a kid or rape them in prison, they kill you They fucking right right, but if you kill a guy or an adult male people are like who cares Yeah, so you think the children on board escalated it to a point for you where you're not comfortable It's also he just and also so the rape thing is one thing. It's allegations Right. He got acquitted of the rape correct acquitted. Yeah, isn't that right? Yeah

Yeah, you got acquitted and so you can't you really use that as well like ha ha ha a rapist died I think we don't know yeah, I don't know well if if Cosby died you go ha ha ha a rapist died Yeah, he was he's been because it's he's been convicted of rape. Not only that. It's 20 30 40 women right out of the woodwork. Yep coming out. Yep same with Harvey Weinstein, right? Right. Can't so you can make that joke course, but with Kobe You can't and he's also a good father. It's not just me saying it It's like everyone is that's that's something that you know on a personal level or that you know I mean you can just tell sure right just through

Just the photos in itself look, I I don't disagree with you. I'm just being playing devil's advocate We I don't know what kind of guy he was. I don't know his character. I never knew him on a personal level I assume from the public eye in the media perception of who he was. I I think he was a cool great dude I also don't know dude. I don't know that fucking one weird thing that he does that I was just like what Well, he Come on doesn't talk to his parents. He hasn't talked to his parents for many many years. You know that for a fact Yeah, I do why didn't he talk to his parents because they sold a half a million dollars with a memorabilia. Oh, right? I do remember this. Yeah, right. Yeah, they sold it. He just cut them off

It's like who gives a shit right? He doesn't give his sister's money or anything that he's like they they're smart girls They can handle themselves or whatever. There's some truth in that. Yeah He has that mentality, which I think is a little weird But other than that that still doesn't make him a bad guy doesn't make you a bad guy Yeah, yeah, I mean you didn't talk you didn't talk to members of your family. I I my brother Steve I will take care of for the rest of my life if it when it comes to my blood Yeah, I take I've been sending my parents a lot of money for the last 20 years Yeah, every chunk piece of money that I make goes to my family, right?

And I will take care of my family. I take care of my own. That's my I understand. Yeah, I'm also saying I Don't know I don't know the content of Kobe's character based on anything other than what I've seen in the media It doesn't it doesn't mean I'm saying the joke was justified. I just don't I don't know I don't care. I didn't care. I don't care about Kobe enough to understand If that's relevant or not. My point is It's a hidden rage because you know that well, yeah I'm a lot of people know that but it's something that well you want to tell the story. No, I don't want to tell the story I'm okay. I just I don't like your oh, yeah

Well, it's a common thing people know that Ari Yeah, but you almost say it made me seem like a lot of people want to beat me up or something I wouldn't say a lot of people but I said there's a few people that definitely want to hit you in the fucking face Really, you know who I'm talking about and that's exactly why I want to even bring that up So tell me who wants to beat me in the punch me in the face You want me to say it? Yeah, I want you to cut it out. We're not gonna cut it out. Go ahead You know, you know, tell me I don't know I don't want to do this I'm not gonna say who wants to beat you in that. No, I just do it. We'll cut it. I just do it. I want to know. Oh

Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can say his name Kevin Shay. Kevin Shay fucking hates your fucking guts You you think that he hates my guts. No, I know he hates your guts. We've done this before I'm just saying you think I Think that he is one of the worst human beings. I've ever met in my life Sure, I know we've done this before my point is there are people that want to hit you in the fucking face, okay? Yeah, for no reason sure it happens all the time. Yeah, okay, and I know people don't want to punch you in the face Let's go back name names to yeah, okay, go ahead. Yeah, you want to call them out to it. No, I don't want to go ahead move on No, you know you fucking move on

So look Have you said anything to Ari? No, I wanted to do you don't plan on it to you. No, did you text anybody about it? Oh, yeah Who do you text you didn't text me? We call we talked we did talk on the phone. Yeah, I called you we talked on the phone It was it look I talked to Kevin Christie about it. Hmm. I talked to um, who does it? What did he say? Well, you know, it's it's it's it's sensitive because I do love Ari So do I yeah, so it doesn't it doesn't change the fact that we're talking about what happened. Yeah, so there is I you know

I do love him, but um You know, it's like one of my dad my dad one time Almost killed one of my cousins on purpose. Yeah, holy shit. Why cuz my cousin didn't say hello to him Oh, that makes sense. My dad he my cousin was 12 though and my dad took his head Mm-hmm, and did Moica tie knees to his face. Mm-hmm like 20 times dope And then when my cousin we call him don't young don't young. Yeah, which is shit, brother Don't young mean shit brother. Yeah. Yeah, so shit brother his head flew back and I remember remember his face Just being split open and just blood gushing out and I just remember. Um, what color is you guys his blood?

yellow Go you remember his face split open. It's an alien blood It burns. It burns. Yeah, what happened. What happened? He's face split open and what? And we don't remember the ambulance coming this and that and I remember looking at my dad And so it's like I do love my dad, but when he acts like that. Yeah, when he used to act like that. It's like What do you do? Well, what do you do? What do you do? There's nothing I do nothing so do you just gonna let this thing pass and let it die out?

Yeah, I will never bring it up. Never right. Yeah, we will you like if you saw you wouldn't bring it up No, no, it's just cuz I don't know what why do I care? I don't care. Yeah, I don't care. I don't care. I treat that like you treat my wife's car Yeah, yeah, you don't everybody everyone would treat your mom the wife's car the way I treated your wife's car people don't just hit other people's cars Nobody does that, but that's the problem with the United States. I think that's the problem with you That's the problem with the United States. I'll tell you why okay, how stereotypical to be a bad Asian driver It's almost like such a It has nothing to do with but you are and a bad Asian reason why is because I have Asian mentality Which is what I don't give a fuck. No, no, it's not what it is. Dude. You don't fucking get it, dude

What is it? I'm gonna explain it to you fucking fucker. Mm-hmm. All right. Is is that have you ever been to Bangkok or or? Asia or Right not Japan. I've been to Japan, but not not in Japan because it's more like United. It's good. Yeah Go ahead, but it's like, you know in Bangkok for instance, right? You get a fender bender, right? They'll put stick their heads out of the car see if there's no smoke and if there's no smoke they go, okay move on Have a good day. Okay. Go ahead. There's no like getting to the side of the road and it's a dent who gives a fuck But they people in the United States, right? You get a little like you I one time key to Porsche

Why just because it's just the shell that's fucking up the engine. That's so fucked up No, but to me I have Asian mentality So I keyed it and then I heard the guy didn't even ever knew it was me But he put flyers around who keyed my car, right and all that stuff and I giggle, you know me But it's like I don't give a fuck. You don't care the car moves I know but that's someone look at my car. Look at my previous. It's someone's property. I bang it against shit I don't give a fuck. That's cuz you don't care other people. I care. I think I don't think anyone should care I'm gonna come to your house and throw a rock to your window. Do you care? Yeah, that's different. Why how still works?

The cars no, it doesn't because the house is supposed to protect you from the elements So when there's a window when there's a crack in the window, it doesn't protect you Okay, what if a tsunami goes through that little fun? I'm gonna throw a poop on your I'm gonna throw a poop at your house For the next couple of days straight and there's gonna be poop everywhere. That's fine. Do that. Okay. Yeah And I'm gonna throw poop on your property. Oh, okay You know that's the reaction you're gonna. Okay, so so when you hit someone they should be allowed to just hit you back Yeah, what do you mean? You like my car you mean? I'm gonna hit you. I'm gonna hit your next week I'm gonna hit your car with my wife's car again, and I'm gonna hit your wife's car again

It'll be fun because I you're gonna care. I'm not gonna care. You know what's gonna happen You know, I want to do that serious what whatever money we make from the first month of the show. Yeah, I want to buy Two cars and I want to get in it and hit each other with it as hard as we can That's fine on the street fast That's fine, and George is gonna be and George will be in the middle of the cars. Yeah, but do you understand my mentality when I get it I get it. I think it's fucked up, but I totally get it. It's not fucked up It's it's honestly the truth. No, it's your it's your version of what's okay. It doesn't mean it's everyone's version of what's okay Yeah, but whatever there is when you have you're stolen from a grocery store. Have you ever taken a food? I don't because that's wrong

Why is that wrong because it's somebody's property? Exactly Robert, right? It's somebody else's property, right? You damaged my property. It's wrong Yeah, but what it's it's not like the store is moving around right trying to get around other stores It's a metaphor. It's a fucking metaphor. The store isn't on wheels. It's not moving through the streets, dude Okay, Von's isn't on roller skates It's a fucking stable place that someone's property that if I took from you'd say it's wrong Okay, let me make an adjustment then please may make an adjustment. I already said please, okay? Accidentally, I didn't purposely hit your wife's car. It seemed like it

All right, look I want to we so I tweeted about we're gonna take a phone call because I really want to do this because I Want to see what people say I said to people we're gonna take a phone call. We want to pick at random I'm gonna pick three names, but what are we talking them about? That's gonna be the best part. We're gonna grill them We're gonna grill them about life. I'm gonna pick. I'm gonna pick three names You're gonna tell me which one you like the most Steve Bliss Isaac beak Okay Chloe Casey let's do that that girl Chloe Casey to a girl. Okay, we'll do Chloe Casey

All right, Chloe. We're gonna call Chloe Casey. We're gonna see what she FaceTime or maybe it's he have to say We're now we're gonna call right now of Chloe's a guy. Oh, that's gonna be fun. All right. We're calling right now, okay? We're set up George Better be here we go You should be able to hear this in your headphones any minute now Oh, you hear it you good. Yo, what's up? Come on This is insane like

Hello Hello Hello You fucked up you fucked up. Chloe Chloe wait No, no way. What do you mean? No way? Chloe get your shit together. Get your shit together. Get your fucking bullshit together Because that's where we live Oklahoma Chloe get your fucking shit together to see

Hey, hey, Chloe, but no, it's Chloe Chloe Don't ever talk to us that way That's insane don't know me that again That felt weird Chloe, where are you right now? Where are you? I Am in college Have you ever gone down there for shows is that place? That's where there's a college there. Do you know what college is there? No, hmm. Was it good? What cities is it though? It's called college stations. That's the city Oh, is it near Houston or the big ones?

It's not the worst city. Are you a student Chloe? Oh Yes, I go to A&M. Yeah, she goes that's what that's what I've heard of that. What's your orange, right? They're orange The football team has an orange. I Guess everything is burnt. It's kind of like brown and orange. It's red really Yeah, Bobby's colorblind, what's your major? Psychology All right, teach us something give us something give us a psychological review of our friendship. Go ahead. Yeah, go ahead

Honestly, I could not do that because I don't go to classes very often Yeah, all right, well Chloe but Chloe Chloe are you in a relationship Chloe? No, Bobby, I'm not why Because I have a lot to work out on the inside. Oh, that's why you're Totally I'm totally down for one. You're damaged. Are you damaged? I Chloe. Are you damaged? I just got half hard Wait Chloe Chloe is it because you have do you have daddy issues?

Yes, what what happened? Speed it up a little bit My dad passed away about Years ago. Oh shit. So it didn't really work out that that whole situation when he passed away. So, yeah I'm open for love and I'm not gonna not gonna let that to find me You know, well, you know what Chloe you shouldn't and we love you We want to we want to let you know Bobby and I both love you very much And you're gonna get through it because Bobby also went through something like that recently

Yeah, my dad died in August. Yeah, his dad died. She knows she's a fan. She knows your dad Everyone is your fucking dad's dad might as well. We're sure Okay, don't wait Chloe. Let me tell you something. We love you. You are gonna find love I want to say this to everybody out there. Her name is Chloe Casey. She's in College Station, Texas Her phone number of course as we always do on the show I Love you so much Chloe kissy kissy bye-bye She was great, but is that her number really? Mm-hmm. You got you can't do that. Yes, I can yes, I can yes

I can cut that out right greatest country in the world. I can do whatever I fucking want. This isn't Korea, dude I can do whatever I want here. Yeah, I've never Anyway, um well imagine her though imagine imagine that's the saddest thing in the world She really imagine me up imagine if she was looking with a dude and he died too then at that Bob But no, but then at that point it would just be like yeah, yeah cat lady. Yeah Yeah, you want to do one more let's do another one. Yeah, all right I'm gonna give you this sort of find a point though to what we do have a point What is the point? We're trying to find out who they are and what they're doing and why they love us

Yeah, I need to see their faces though. We'll do but if you want to we're gonna have to face what it's cool Yeah, what does Chloe's face look like we're gonna have to face time next time because we're gonna have to find a way to do it So we don't have our fucking number. Can we do that? There's gotta be a way. There's gotta be a way All right, how about Elton Roberts? No, or AJ Hines Kelsey Harrington because Theo Vaughn Theo Vaughn has a screen that they're very technological. No, we're working on that right now Yeah, but they have a techno when I say we're working on it I mean, I'm fucking working on it with George. Yeah, you've been fingering your little fucking butthole your little dumpling butthole. How about Marco Pendeo

Yeah, let's do that. I love Mexicans. Yeah, Marco Penedo Penedo, let's look it out. Let's get rations. Look at this guy though. Look at this guy Look at hey Marco. Yeah, I'm gonna call out Marco Marco. I said hey email us your number. He just wrote call me I know your fucking number you dumb shit. Oh, come on dude. What are you doing you dork? So he's not he's out No, he's out. I don't have his fucking number. Let's call somebody here. We go. Here's one. Here's one Gustavo Robles I love it. We love it dude. We love these kind of guys. Let's do that What is it All right, here we go. We're calling him right now. This is Gustavo Robles Gustavo Robles. Where do you think he's from?

So we're brown South South Deep South your call has been forwarded to an automated message You let's see the message nine five one four five. Oh, no, we can't put his number on the That was gonna say his number out loud. We get to peep it out. Yeah, we don't need to we don't need to He doesn't deserve to get a message from us. He didn't answer his phone. I said be ready. How about how about we do this? How about we do someone? You want to do another girl you like girls don't you like girls either Dawson Bailey or Jessica Kay? Let's go Jessica Kay. You like that, huh? Yeah. Yeah, okay here. Oh, oh, oh look at this

Well, he's calling back. No, no, she goes my number is blank. Um, I'm kind of I come kind of interesting I do porn and I love comedy. You should call me. I'm a huge fan. All right. I'll call Jessica Kay Let's do the Mexican thing though still oh just for Jessica Okay, here we go. This is Jessica Kay. She says she does porn and She's a fan of us both and she wants okay My fear is people don't want to answer unknown numbers Yeah, the Oklahoma's weird Doesn't really why would it matter?

Do you really think these people think I was gonna call them from our real fucking number? Maybe it's restricted. No Yes, okay, how are you? How are you doing? Yes, I got him doing raising. How are you? You know who this is? Yes Hey, how are you doing? Go Raiders go Raiders Jessica Jessica, who is this hello? Hello? Who is this? This is Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee. Obviously. That's right. Jessica. Where do you live? I? Live in Oregon

There hippy stuff there is yeah, is there a burning man up there too. Yep. There is yeah, it's well. It's called burning them It can't know Burning they hey Jessica. Are you are you really into are you really a porn star? I? Am yes, I I mean, I'm not like big time raising. I'm mostly a cam model, but yeah I do it full-time Jessica Kay poor up cam model job. That's that's your full-time gig Yes, wow How do they find you? How do they find your? Videos or how I don't how they work because I'm Christian, but mm-hmm well my Twitter is

Is just out Jessica K BDSM, but I'm pretty shadow band on there because they hate sex workers, so Other ways to find me is like my mini-viz or my vagina only family, which is just really easy to find Jessica, we're looking at your vagina your vagina is very pretty. Yeah, we're gonna your flower. That's cool Yeah, yeah, I try really hard to keep it, you know like nice and everything. Yeah. Yeah, you shave as well It looks like what's inside of there? Jess. Yeah. Yeah, that's calm. I do You let people come inside you Not generally no, okay, maybe that's just a pussy vagina And then I do a lot of like I do a lot of like lesbians stuff as well because I like girls more than guys in general

It feels weird looking at your a butt plug in your butthole and talking on the phone so cordially This is a very wonderful thing, but Jessica. I do know that. Oh my gosh. No, it's great. It looks awesome Wait, I can't I tell you a quick story. Hey, go ahead. Yeah You might want here. Well about how my brother found out that I did porn. Oh, yeah Because I have two siblings and They're older you're much older. I'm like the youngest. I'm the baby. That's why I'm so fucked up, you know, and so um I I had been doing porn for like two years I've made it since I was 19 and I'm 23 now and my brother was on tumblr

Cuz he you know, I don't know the person was going on tumblr was scrolling through and he literally saw a picture of me fisting my own ass Realized it was me I don't like to rock his phone. Yeah, and then he had to like have that conversation with me like I know You do that What was that at Thanksgiving, what did he ask you? What did he tell you it was at a holiday? It was really just a normal one dad. I know we're pretty close my family. So you got a little bit closer How do I avoid that? I'm not a doctor, but the rectal muscle the rectal muscle is there for a reason though

I would use your fist well, I know that dr. Drew says only be okay, so I'm I've gone way past that, you know, it's It's part of my living, but I'm very careful and I have a prolapse maintenance. That's not my goal So do you have limitations? Yeah, you shouldn't prolapse because you do know that's really bad for your tushy If you do that, you know, yeah, you won't poop right for the rest of your life. Yeah, it's actually very bad to prolapse That's right. That's right. That's right. That being said we we are we are very into people that do prolapse while like tails. Yeah, Bobby loves a little tail pop Jessica this is pretty incredible. Let me ask you You you you live in Oregon Oregon is very sex positive sex forward. There's a lot of strip clubs up there, right?

Yeah, do you strip as well? Uh-huh. You do. What's the name of the club? Can we I do not? I have never done that. Oh, I know But you do stand up as well. Is that you do comedy? She's a comedy fan. Oh comedy fan. I say she is funny. I'm very into calm I'm very into comedy, so I know a lot of like pretty much all the comedians and every right Let's do a little game. I'm gonna let's do a rating. Oh boy one through ten who you like, okay? Theo Vaughn one through ten Oh Like you know, just give me a rating an eight eight out of ten is out of ten just okay, Brian Callan Yes, what what what number what number one through ten six? What give Andrew?

Yeah, what about Bobby? What about me what about Bobby? Okay, we're tense Okay, Jess Jess we love you very much if we do we do appreciate you if anybody if anybody wants to see Jessica K's Anus you should have a lot of good butt shots on here. Your booty is out there your your Twitter is Jessica K BDSM your face. So let me see your face. Yes. You're very pretty face your face I can't judge a person by their ass. Oh, thank you very very pretty very pretty. Yeah, very pretty face

so go ahead and go on Jessica K's Twitter and she's the night. She's got great boobs. Oh my god. Those yours Jess And she is that tattoo or brah? They're fake. They're fake. They're faking. That's a and that's a tattoo Just Jessica K. I hope you get a lot of new fans from this. You got a super nice butt and A super good personality. We love you very much. I want you guys. Thank you so much. She was great. She was great She was wonderful. Let's rank her asshole one through ten We can't show the fans. We're not gonna show that. I'm gonna show you a smut. What do you think? Honestly, yeah, can you see that George on the camera? You can't see that. Okay, good. What do you think it is her asshole?

Yeah, I think her vagina is an eight very nice vagina. Yeah, yeah her assles of four see buttles are hard for me Cuz I don't like buttholes. Yeah, but I want it all there I can't see the fucking muscle or nothing because she's she's put a lot of stuff in there Yeah, I have a story. I have an asshole story, but please please, but I can't say the name. So what you can still say the Asshole story, you don't have to say the name so I was Had a meeting a long time ago. Uh-huh, and I ran into a couple of British bodyguards British bodyguards. Yeah, they used to bodyguard old rock stars back in the 80s Are they twin brothers? What do you mean? They're just two dudes two English dudes

That used to just be bodyguards for bands in England. Awesome You can't name the band. Can you not fuck? No, I'll tell you off. I know but I know they want to know so they took took one dude to Thailand, right some big rock star and He was fucking little boys there. Oh shit. I know that's why I can't say it. It's yucky Yeah, so he's fucking underage boys, but so you know, there's a mad am there and he went and fucked a boy and The boys asshole came out Why is that funny? I'm not that you laugh. Oh, no, I didn't mean and he said to the madame I don't know if it's true, but he said

Can I have another one this one's broken? You can't break it and then it's a claim that I want another one can I have another one this one this one's broken I'll tell you off. I'll tell you I want to know who was yeah, let's call one more person. All right I think it's very fun Can I have another one? Why I wish you could share if you shared is it is that you think that's you think that's not okay? To do to say who it's basically like I try to Google I try to Google it Yeah, and nothing came up and it's just like the Ari thing where it's like the Kobe thing It's like one incident. I can't you know, I mean, I know a lot of guy. I know ruin his legacy

Off of one. I know I know did by the way side note did Ari lose something from that He lost something right the Netflix and not gonna do something with someone. I know that I'm Aqua left him like dumped him uses commercial agent. I know that I heard his manager might have left him as well Really? Yeah, huh, but I don't know that for sure though. Do you want to know here's one of your own? Here's Albert Choi use the Korean it says Bobby Lee's cousin Is it Andy or Albert says Albert Choi, I don't I know an Andy Choi that's my cousin But Albert I don't have it. I don't have a cousin named Albert liar Albert Choi is a liar Call him it now. You want to call this liar? Yeah

Okay, I don't know if you want to call a liar. He's from Southern, California But please open it up with an Asian accent, of course because if you can do it in front of strangers, then I'm okay with it Yeah, what do you mean? All right ready this we're calling Albert Choi Who says he's your cousin obviously a lie, but you do have it an Andy Choi cousin. I have 28 first cousins I might have an Albert see let's find out I Mean this you know What if this is a long-lost connection that we're making today? Oh, that'd be great because I won't give a fuck These people are so afraid to answer

But I get it your call has been forwarded to an odd too bad for you bub Albert Choi you're not gonna get the phone call. We're gonna do just one more of those if that's and it doesn't go through Then too bad door dash Ding dong At all I have your pizza. Oh, hey, thank you so much. Is there sausage on it? That was the quickest delivery I don't have my old lie wonderful You know why it's a Valentine's Day happy Valentine's Day. Did you forget to make reservations? I didn't I didn't all right

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It's a girl. Yeah, you know why we're doing this You know what we're calling women instead of men because men get all it's a it is enough with with men It's enough. You've gotten enough your whole life. We're sick of it It's also because it's way more fun Kendall Kavanaugh. That girl was an incredible chest. It was one of them incredible This is Kendall Kavanaugh And I'm curious to know what I'm gonna look it up and not say anything These people are scared to answer that random phone. There it is Kendall Kendall Kendall

Can't know hi Kendall Hi, hi Kendall. Hi Kendall. What are you doing is it Andrew and Bobby? Yeah No, no, I mean, yeah, I'm Albert Choi and this is and I'm Andy Choi. Andy Choi. We're the Choi brothers Hi guys, I'm a big fan. Yeah, we're big fans of you Kendall. What are you doing right now? I'm waiting for my pork chops to be done. Oh my god. We're vegans. We're vegans. We don't eat stuff like that. That's nasty Kendall, what do you what do you do for a living Kendall? I am a controller for a concrete company

Kendall Concrete's interesting. Yes, it is The whole planet The whole planet What's the coolest thing about concrete other than it dries? I mean it holds shit up It fucking holds shit up So do you Kendall we love you because you hold the world together. You're a you're a controller. What is it?

I fucked up You're in an office. Are you in an office Kendall? Yeah, exactly I control everything Oh, you're kind of like the Wizard of Oz. You're the Wizard of concrete And you know what those you know what the yellow brick road was made out of? Brick Concrete Kendall, you have kids?

Yeah, how many? I do not Why not? Zero Why don't you have any? I don't know because I'm 27 and I'm not ready for that Are you single Ken? I am not You can call me Ken, all my friends can do Ken, okay, Ken. So you're not single and what does your husband or boyfriend do?

He works at the concrete company Of course Do you like to get out there and reach out? Yeah, you really want to break out of your comfort zone You really want to really drive yourself to a place where you're going to meet someone different I taught him the job Oh, he must be very happy And I said I can get to a job

You gave this guy pussy and a job You're like the greatest woman on earth He seems to think so He should because he fuck you you're holding his life together without vagina and money He's not in the office though, right? He's out there with the concrete Yeah Oh yeah, he's heavy duty Hell yeah

Let me ask you something when he's out there he's sweating He's working hard all day He's like typing away on your little computer with your air conditioning unit Comfy as fuck When he comes home at the end of the day from being all sweaty and disgusting and dirty Do you guys go right to fucking or do you make him clean up or do you like the smell of that concrete still on his body? Well, we shower together every day Yeah

Do you ever suck at sweaty dick? Do you ever eat a sweaty balls? Have you ever tasted his nuts after his a long day? Yeah Yeah It's like truffle oil What? Our concrete motto is great start fantastic finish Is that really it?

That's cool It really is I've got the t-shirts to prove it What's the name of the company? Marby Olson Marby Olson great start fantastic finish What last question? Where do you live Kendall? Petaluma, California Can I tell you how great that is? Has your boyfriend ever shot a nut and said fantastic finish?

Next time you guys fuck He hasn't Next time you guys fuck will you say great start and as soon as he comes I want him to come all over and go Fantastic finish Will you do that for us please? Yeah, I'll do it tonight Yay Kendall thank you so much

I want you to say one thing for me I want you to say Say I'm Kendall Kavanaugh I love it when my boyfriend's sweaty concrete nuts are on my chin. Will you say that? Alright

I'm Kendall Kavanaugh and I love what taking the shot for my boyfriend's sweaty nuts Thank you You're one of our bad friends. I love you Kendall. Thank you so much I love you guys too Bye She's great

She's fantastic Kendall Kavanaugh What a great that's a cool name and also you know boyfriend concrete business Yeah, I'm not good at that What do you mean you just did a great job? No, but you know the whole thing I just don't know I don't know I'm not good at it I think you did a great job. I know I'm just telling you right now man Ask George. I start sweating. No fuck you man

I start sweating. I don't know why Why? Because these people don't These people want to talk to you Yeah, they want to say hi Is that what it is? Yeah, they want to say hello and have a normal conversation with you I do that do like after a show. Yeah, I get really sweaty when I talk you do meet and greets Yeah

What do you do you do you make people line up and you do photos and shit? Yeah, I mean I was in Nebraska and I had never played that place before Lincoln Omaha Yeah, and I I did a meet and greet and you know people have tattoos on their faces but it's fine and I take photos and um I don't sell anything. I just like to meet people You just like to say hello and take a photo

Sometimes I don't but you know when I feel like I haven't been there before I like to meet them. Is it predicated upon whether or not you had a good set? If you have a bad set I will not. I refuse. I fucking refuse If I have a bad set I even say it out loud. No, I'll even say it on stage I was gonna you know I was gonna go on say hi but

No, you guys were terrible. Wait, why? It's not like it's their fucking fault that you did bad It is their fault. Why? Do you really believe that that sometimes it's the audience's fault? No, because it's like you know when you watch um Taxi Driver Oh, when I'm just watching Taxi Driver randomly? Some people will watch Taxi Driver and go

that movie sucks Right? But it's still a good movie Do a lot of people think it sucks? There are people that yeah, I can't watch it You don't like it? No, I love it but like people will say I can't watch it. Oh, I think it's a great movie Let me think of another movie What's a movie that sucks? Rise of the Skywalker

Okay Do you see it? No Do you know what it is? I have social reference I understand what it is I don't like it. I don't like shit like that You're right, but a lot of people go it's a great movie What a great franchise. It's not It's not

There's nothing you can say it's just not So that's one of those kind of things Yeah, but I don't like any of that shit You're right, maybe my rhythm would be wrong sometimes And maybe it's not their fault It's not their fault, but your energy is always so good up top Your expectations are through the roof Yeah, it's so funny last night

Have you ever done this? I did, so I'm trying to come up with new shit You're writing new jokes? Yeah Are you really? Yeah, so I went to Santa Monica to do Neil Brennan's show Such a good show Right, so I have my new shit

But this place is packed It's packed every now, every time he does it just sold out Yeah, because Seinfeld went one time People being turned away And I'm up there and I try a couple of jokes I know that work They didn't

But they're new jokes? No, some tried and true shit Because the thing is is that Do you know why? I know why Because you should've done new shit They can tell when it's not new That's not what it is I'll tell you what it was

I went in with Bobby Lee club energy And you have to be more inward I came up like, what's that? I did that and I realized I'm eating it So then I went inward and I just started talking And then as soon as I started Going into the new stuff

Places where I thought we're gonna get laughs Weren't? And then I just would just segue Right into an old joke I got nervous and then I went Bob, you gotta try this other thing And I would try it and then I When I drove home

I had tears Of just like, you fucking idiot Why'd you go over there? New shit is new shit It's not supposed to work Those shows aren't supposed to be for like It's not the fact that I It's the fact that I bailed on them

I didn't finish them You're mad at your delivery I'm mad that I wasn't brave enough To finish the fucking thing That you went over there to fucking do Well then you're gonna go back and do it again Well now I'm just like, fuck it I'm just gonna do it at the store

I'm gonna go back over there, but tonight I have a show at the store I'm just gonna fucking do it Yeah, I don't give a fuck I don't want you to have to share a joke But will you tell me one of the premises Of one of the new jokes that you know works? None of them work

Give me one of the premises of the new joke Well there's a story It's a story Well, because you know, Calais has been calling me pussy all the time Yeah, you are pussy Go ahead The reason why she's calling me pussy is because A month ago we heard a noise in our house

In the backyard And she goes You check out there And I go, no you Right? And then she goes You're pussy, right? So then this actually happened

I was at a check cashing place Why are you at a check cashing? Like a fucking check advance place? I got to a check cashing place You don't go to a bank? I have a bank too Shadow money What are you doing?

So what do you do? You go to a check cashing place and you cash it? Right I don't care Do you know you can go to your bank and have them cash it and just get the cash? I don't want to even do that I do have a cash check cashing place You know you can just go to your bank I want to go to a cash check

So I was at the cash checking place And there was a Mexican lady in front of me And she was wearing a dress Okay And some Mexican guy next to her Was a baby, nice dress And she didn't say anything So then she starts going aggro

He's like, I said nice fucking dress bitch! Yeah, he goes, a nice dress bitch She didn't say nothing I told you fucking stuck up bitch And she started going aggro And I was like, because of all this pussy shit I'm like, I got a man up I have to fucking fight for

Defensive people So I look at him How do you know she was defenseless by the way? Because you can tell she was scared She was scared, yeah So I look at the guy like, stop fucking doing this And he looks at me then And he goes, were you looking at bro?

And I go, pretty good So I'm going to tell that story Yeah, that's a good story I said pretty good And then I just kind of clammed up and I just looked on the ground And I said, don't speak English, have you ever done that? Has someone ever gotten aggro with you? And you've been like, no English

No, but I do do a character Like I have some sort of Like social anxiety I'll go, I don't know I'll do that But I won't do You won't do no English to him Yeah, when people say shit

I'll have people say random Like racist shit Really? Like being serious? No, they do it To try to start a conversation Give me an example Like I'll be at an airport And I was sitting there waiting for a big board

And this like Texan kind of an older man Sat next to me And he kept looking at me And maybe he recognized me I don't know But he wanted to start a conversation You look like someone people want to talk to I don't know

But so instead of saying Hey, where you going? You going, you know, wherever He just said My daughter loves Hello Kitty That's how we fucking opened it Yeah, but that's a bond experience So then I go

I didn't invent it Maybe he thinks you might have You kind of look like the creator of Hello Kitty Yeah, but my point is that People will do all kinds of stuff Was he trying to be funny? No, no, he was just trying to Smile, he was just like

My daughter loves what you guys do I understand it's not racist He's trying to start a conversation No, it's racist Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about? How is that not racist? It's the same thing as when people go Are you wearing a Hello Kitty shirt?

Or it's like when people start You don't know that We have to go through this I go You Korean? Yeah, they guess Yeah, my best friend Toby Cho Was Korean in high school

And that's the same thing I don't know Toby But I do that all the time To ethnic people? I go up to Asians and I go No, I'm Korean, I go I know, my best friend's Bobby Lee He's Korean

Why people don't go through that? No, most whites Don't go through, but like I get The redheaded joke thing that's so annoying And hacky No, you're my friend, you can do it as much as you want It's just like me doing the Asian voice to you As hacky, but it's funny because we do it together

To each other, but people in public think it's funny George Probably gets made fun of for looking Just how he fucking looks But like I have the red hair Because if you're gonna be white Don't be like that Yeah, you'd like chose

Yeah, I looked up In the dictionary and George's His face was there No, most whites, right, they don't deal with anything like that Typically yes, but Sometimes people fucking Do this hacky Hey, did you curve matching drapes?

Oh, and what do you How do you respond? I can't imagine you responding In a very delightful way Honestly, do it to me right now Literally, this happened to me, I'm not kidding I'm at a bar, so I'm at a bar, go ahead Hey man, does the curtain match the drapes? I swear to God, I don't say anything

And make them uncomfortable and then they go They're just fucking around And they don't know what to do Also, I'll get someone to say Like a girl Like a drunk girl There was a drunk girl in Vegas And she was like spilling at the table

And I remember I turned her and I go Lady, come on man, get it together Like she's spilling on the fucking And the pit boss had to go Ma'am, please move, they think She's with fucking me, so now I'm like No, she just blacked out She's spilling on the table

And I go, lady, come on, hey, come on You're fucking bumping into people, like I'm trying to be nice to her When I say it, she goes, shut the fuck up Firecratch Oh, what'd you do? I beat the shit out of her No, I beat the shit out of her Nothing, I didn't respond at all

What am I gonna say? But do you think about it like when you leave? When I was a kid, I used to get defensive and fist fight people Because that's how that happened But as an adult, I don't have any patience Because I know she's a fucking moron I know she's a fucking moron So it's not even worth my time

I get like, I get submissive Like one time I was like That's why Kalilah's saying don't be a pussy Because she's training you to not let someone step on you Right, I was in a Chinese restaurant I'm not fucking kidding you And I'm going to the bathroom And some guy just goes, where's the soy sauce?

Shut up Or some sauce, yeah Like I worked there, and you know what I did? I got it, I got him it I went and got it, I put it on his table Yeah, well you You did know where it was But I do that

But here's the one I regret Is I was in Nashville I love it too And I was at a barbecue place with my friend Marissa Who just didn't know about you Marissa Tomei the actress But she's this cute white girl

Grabbing dinner And some Probably six foot eight Probably a seven year old man Wearing a leather Six foot eight, seventy year old? Yeah, just this gigantic, gigantic man He was with his family

And he comes up beside me Well I'm talking to my friend The son Pull up your pants And you know what I did? To you? Yeah Sorry, I'm so sorry I did that like a fucking bitch Like a child

Yeah, I should have went, hey dude don't fucking touch me bro Yeah, do not fucking touch me And also, you should have taken your pants off You should have Bobby leave the shit out of it But I'm no longer I'm not going to do that anymore Why? No, I'm no longer going to be submissive I'm not going to know

Because I think about it way too fucking much Like it kind of lay in bed sometimes And I'll think about that one incident Yeah, because you need to stand up for yourself That's what it is Let's play a scenario, right? You're out, you're with Not Cali, because that's too good

It's got to be somebody who's Somebody who works for you Like Gilbert You're out with Gilbert He's a very nice guy But he's also very like He commands, right? You guys are at like Cafe 101

Okay, ready? And then you're sitting there with Gilbert Just be talking to Gilbert about something Your face is so flat today That's something I would say I know, I know, keep going What do you mean? You did a hundred yard dash in a 90 yard gym But I hit a wall that fat

Hey, what's up? You Bobby Lee? Yeah, I don't like your comedy at all Okay, nice to hear, man Okay, well you're also in my fucking booth I sit there So get out of my fucking booth Get out of my fucking booth

Okay, let's go Gilbert I said it will no once But you did say no once But the second time You don't want to fight this guy for a booze What are you doing that way, you fucking asshole? You got so aggressive right up That would never happen

I'll be very real I'm with Gilbert again? Here's the situation You pulled into a gas station And we're both kind of waiting for a pump You kind of stuck in there before me But technically it's yours But you don't know what I mean

Okay, ready? You get out of your car Go ahead with Gilbert So Gilbert, did you Used to drive a steamroller and you fell off And your head got that way No, man, alright It's a pump gas Hey, bro

Yeah, man I was waiting for this You literally just swooped in front of me And took over the pump My car was a little ahead of yours And you know that I was in front of you You weren't in front of me and I think what you're doing is fucking rude Alright dude, how much is gas for you?

To fill up my car? It's about $285 Here you go You're just gonna give me your money? Really? My gas is $800 Is that $280? Yeah, well you already paid

You fucking dumb idiot I wouldn't do that Bruce rewind a little bit, ready? No, seriously, you did cut me off I want you to apologize to me for that I'm sorry Bob! Alright, do it again

Do it again Do it again Hold on Hey man, you stole my You stole my pump, I was here first Relax dude I was ahead of you The nozzle is already in my car

I'm pumping already I want you to take out the nozzle Cancel your credit card I was here dude I don't give a fuck, call the cops I want to call the cops You're not gonna say sorry for cutting me off? I will not say sorry until the end of my life

Dominic What? The actor? No, the MMA fighter That's you? Who's that ugly flat face kid in the car? It's a tiki statue I got from Hawaii Let me see how you would handle it

Let me see how you would handle it Alright Hey dude, that's my fucking pump Fuck off See that's good Because you have a physique Fuck off Let me handle it how I really would

Let's do it for real I'm pumping I'm telling you who it is I'm LeBron James Okay I gotta get there in my head Yo man Yo

I was ahead of you dude Remove that nozzle I'm gonna park where that is Because that's my slot Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time Yo dude That's really good That would shut him up

He would laugh, he'd probably laugh If you made a joke he would laugh Or punch me, either way I'm getting fucking paid Knock me out LeBron Knock me the fuck You do it but you're Kevin Bacon I'm Kevin Bacon, are you? Okay ready?

What do you think of this? Then it's a bacon It's very footloosey He was in Footloose, right? Here you go Ready? You're at the pump, I'm Kevin Bacon Hey man, you took my spot I was at that pump before you

Yeah I wish that you Had died and not Bill Paxton I am dead Oh fuck Bill Paxton is alive Bill Paxton died Did he? Holy shit This is bad

How do we not know this? Is Kevin Bacon dead? No he died No, Kevin Bacon is alive By the way Bill Paxton Yeah, Sosy Bacon Bill Paxton's a lot died

Yeah Sosy Bacon He died I love her and I love her dad Yeah we're just kidding around We're allowed to joke around I love you and I want you to live forever Why Bill Paxton? Why did he pass away? What did he die from? How do we not know that?

He had an operation that went wrong Oh my god, Bill Paxton This is crazy I can't believe you don't know he died He died in 2017 after running into a tiny little Asian man at a gas station and an argument ensued After the argument, Paxton drove away

and died of a stroke Bill Paxton Boo boo It's crazy that he died I mean what a great He was so incredible I'm really annoyed that I didn't know he was dead I apologize that was my fucking fault

I thought you were still doing a joke No I wasn't doing a bit about that part I was just joking around But I didn't know that Bill Paxton passed away People dying I forget Don't you forget sometimes? No name me somebody that's dead Ha ha ha ha

Okay I'll name a bunch of people that There's gotta be a website called People You Didn't Know Were Dead But they try to mix in people that are still alive and I can tell you Betty White Alive

She is Val Kilmer Alive Hold on What's the girl What's What's the girl's name from Star Wars?

What's her name? She's dad Yeah You're not good at this Okay hold on This is a website Here we go Brittany Murphy

Don't look at the screen I want to name you one Terrarid Dead? Alive She's alive fuck Okay how about How about Harold Ramis Dead

Let's see another one of these How about I knew him He was one of the greats How about Michael Clark Duncan Dead Roddy Roddy Piper Dead

We knew him he was at the store You know what I just realized this website is actors that are dead You have to mix in people that you think Oh thank you thank you thank you What is this Okay here's some lists This is really good Angela Lansbury

Dead That's right Drew Carey Alive No he's not No he's not Willie Nelson Willie Nelson

He's alive He's dead He's dead Is he alive? Yeah he's alive I'm doing it Dick Cheney Alive

He's dead Is Dick Cheney dead? He's alive Why it's fun Carl Reiner Carl Reiner died Yeah that's right David Attenborough

Dead He's dead Bobby Lee Dead If you were dead You would be the fucking worst ghost of all time You would be the shittiest ghost

You'd walk around going You're really good at knowing how many people are dead But it's funny because I don't think you would know celebrities If you died Yeah And you got to visit your funeral Right And if I didn't go

Because I know you won't go If I didn't go because I had to do Magnum PI or something Fuck Would that rage you? Are you fucking serious? Would that put you in a rage? I would haunt you Kalyla

Because I have to work you fuck Work You call Magnum PI work I know what you do You go out there and you drink coconuts You don't do shit If you didn't show up to my fucking funeral and I saw I would be so fucking mad

Is there any excuse that you would have for me though? Yeah Something with your family If something bad happened to Steve Or your mom Then I'd excuse it If I died You got a Steven Spielberg movie

Yeah You have a scene with Julia Roberts and Tom Hardy Okay Julia Roberts and just Tom Hardy It's one day in New Zealand Right It's an epic scene

And if you don't make it You're not on the movie if you're not there If you missed my fucking funeral I would be okay with that Here's the deal though I would go to the funeral And be able to get on a plane and fly to New Zealand Because you go back in time when you go down there

Wow That's smart Fuck Is it backward down there? Whatever it is Let's say you couldn't I would do your funeral You mean more to me than fucking that

I would not do the same for you I really wouldn't It's a big deal It's one day It's one day on a movie where you're insignificant as fuck Tom Hardy We'll steal the movie And who was the other person? Julia Roberts?

Julia Roberts She's a shining star Your one day Couldn't be a substantial role So it means nothing You'll be just another little fart Nugget dumpling character that they threw to you And it wouldn't mean anything to the movie

Would you be mad if they didn't put your name On the comedy store awning I would be fucking If I didn't get a make god laugh sign On the laugh factory You know what I would be livid at Let me put make god a raff For me

I would be like I would not think it was funny If people would think it was funny If it said make a god a raff Make a god a raff It would infuriate me You know what? I'm going to save money I'm putting that on a toon stone for you

Make a god a raff I would have to be on the awnings For how many days though That's the point How did Brody get Brody got more than a week Like seven days Well that would be just a week

I just said just more than a week I think he got over a week How about this two days Would that be mad? Two days! Monday, Tuesday It's open fucking micers Or how about this Friday, Saturday, your weekend Yeah that's good

Just two days And then in La Jolla Two Yeah On one side it should say The headliner's name on the other side It should say but really rest in peace Yeah

How about this? This is good This is really sad and weird and fucked up When you're dead When you're dead and gone And if you go to the memorial That they have at the comedy store for you If you found out Certain people were there

That attended your funeral that you don't like How would you feel then You know who I'm thinking about You can name them I don't give a fuck There's a chunk of people that you know that we both know you don't like If they showed up how would you feel about them There's a couple of people that politically they have to

Who? Who's political? They would just save face They would show up Because I'll be honest with you When Freddy Soto died He didn't like me He didn't like you We just had a beef for some reason

Comedy wise? Like I don't think you're funny type of shit No it wasn't that It was something else but I want to get into that But I had no problem I loved Freddy He just didn't like me But I showed up anyway

I sat in the very You know where the main room was And when they showed his baby photos That's bullshit I was in tears where And nobody wanted me there Because this is when Eleanor hated me Oh she didn't talk to me for 17 years

Why? I mean I know but why didn't she Because of Freddy Oh that's it I thought there was a thing that happened I ratted them out I ratted people out What did you rat them out for?

It's a long story I can tell you it's interesting So Freddy didn't like me And Freddy was very big at the comedy store Yeah he was And Eleanor was the talent coordinator They were best friends

Freddy's girlfriend Princess Corey Was also a talent coordinator And I wasn't getting spots So I would call in And then somebody told me That they're not even giving

Oh shit So I started getting paranoid As I do And I was also working there as a doorman So I would just sit there weak on With just no spot So then what happened was Polygas did

Kirk's back And Kirk is a Thai man And he's like Very pulpotty If you show up one minute late You'll fire, never come back But Kirk would go To me

You wanna go up? He loved you Now prime spot You could do whatever you want with me He loved me He would just put me up It's so wonderful But everyone hated him

All the waitresses hated him Everyone in the club hated him So then they did a What do you call it A sign up sheet? To go to Mitsu Petition Thank you

A petition Shut the fuck up Shut the fuck up So they did a petition To fire Kirk Oh shit Somebody gave me the petition Sign it

I'm not signed This is the only reason I'm getting spots Because Kirk is Paulie's guy So the first thing I do Is to call Paulie Call Paulie And they do a petition And they're trying to get a

That's how I said it And they're talking shit behind your back Like a little kid on a breath And this is An abomination And he did Really bro So he goes

But then he goes Babit Kami Babit Kami And then all of a sudden Just sheer rat I was a rat No, I'm not I'm a cockroach

You never die Rats die Cockroaches don't Listen to me All you fucking young guys That talk shit behind my back They say that He's old

I'm the new shit I know it's in my head But I'm just saying If you are doing it, remember I am cockroach I know go nowhere So anyway What happened was Kirk

He stayed on for a while But that fucked it up With me, Corey, Eleanor For a long time For a long time And then after Freddie died it changed No, it got even worse Because one day

I don't know what happened This only happened two years ago Shut the fuck up You remember what happened When I knew George, Eleanor hated me I've just never been in the same room with you two Yeah, because I would avoid her But you avoid a lot of people at the store

Not that you dislike them I do I was downstairs And there was a bunch of people down there And I'm just talking to people And I turned and Eleanor was right there And I couldn't get away Because people were like

And she just said, do my podcast And I go, okay You said yes And then that next week we did it And it was squashed See, people grow, people change You know when R.A. beat the shit out of me all those times And I literally

Was like, I will forever hate him And one day It just passed Things change You know, you just let things fly by And let things simmer down And things will change Don't react violently, you know

Well, if it's necessary, you have to You have to do what you have to do Yeah, that was a huge thing for me It was a big step Yeah, Corey still doesn't talk to me Who? I don't know who that is Oh, sorry

Well, do you want to call her? No She would have to come up to me And go, let's just squash her I'm not going to say anything Well, maybe we should Reach out to her sometime You want to look into the camera

And say goodbye to the kids? Did we do enough? How long? Don't keep asking how long we did I want to know How long did we do? That's great Yeah, that's over 120

Well, Bobby Lee here We're slowly making our moves in this thing No, no, no, no We look in the camera and there's a main one And we say thank you for being Our bad friend Remember, hold on, ready? Hold on

Robert, hold on Okay Ready? What is it again? Ready? Thank you for being our bad friend Well, don't fuck it up Thank you for being

One, two, three Thank you for being our bad friend That was good