Bad Friends - Harry Styles Drinks Baby Blood

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

Get Tickets To Our First Live Stream: https://www.momenthouse.com/badfriends Thank you to our Sponsors: https://www.onnit.com/badfriends & https://zippixtoothpicks.com code: BADFRIENDS & BLUECHEW & https://brickhousenutrition.com/products/field-of-greens code: BADFRIENDS Sign Rudy's Pettion to Meet Harry Styles: https://www.ipetitions.com/petition/juliana-meets-harry-styles 0:00 Live Stream Announcement  0:43 Ippy the Liz and Fancy's Students 10:56 Rudy's New Boyfriend 16:20 Bobby's Top Gun Rendition 25:56 Rudy's Obsession with Harry Styles 35:50 Do You Wanna Be My Girlfriend? 40:38 Andrew's Heartbreaking Story  49:21 Doc's Fast Pass to Love  56:55 Bobby is a Simp  1:03:24 The Girl Before the Last Girl  1:08:25 Marc Maron Interviews Ray Liotta More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andres Rosende & Pete Forthun This podcast episode was sponsored by Candy Crush Sponsorships: on for this episode Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What do we have on June 28th? We're doing a live feed. We're doing a live show. Yeah from moment house is presenting it We've never done this a live stream show before yep It's gonna last much longer than a regular show. How long we have guests. It's about 17 hours. Yeah We have guests. We have huge surprises huge surprises Yep, so sign up and get those tickets for moment house and the link is in the description below in the bio Moment house.com slash bad friends moment house.com slash bad friends. I cannot wait. I can't wait He brought in a bunch of bunch of kids kids here's the problem right when they're not laughing or there's silence It puts extra pressure on it big time. He's telling to shut up where they get kicked out of class. Yeah, yeah

If you don't shut up dude, he makes these kids come to this He makes them come here. Otherwise, they don't get credit. Do you know that? I'm dead serious He makes the kids come here or they don't get credit and there's 15 kids out there Yeah, but they don't one of them is a fan of ours. No the guy with the shirt the rest I walked in They were like, oh, who are you? The guy that's what wait you wait you see what they said to doc. Oh, they say wait, is it somebody scream? Somebody's drive all my money some of these drivers here. It was bad. Oh really very bad. They thought he was a chauffeur No, not the kid with the bad friend shirt. Oh, who's he?

He just got free gear from this guy. Yeah, he's a faker. Yeah, he's phony. Yeah. Yeah Who's that make the fan walk in here so I can see him so we can show where's the real there's one real fan Look at the size of this kid. Yeah, they all look like this stay right there. Look at that. Look at this is all of our fans really borderline QAnon Right. Are you could be you think he's like a baby. He's a cooter. Maybe I'll tell you six three. Yeah, six three and you're what 185 No, yeah 60 160

Dude, this guy has the long you know how long his penis is he how old is he? He's 21. Okay. You know how long his penis Do I I got here early? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. So he's the only one of the 15 kids that are sitting out there I say kids there. I can rip his ankles apart Do one kick. Do you really think this guy would fuck you up? You're nuts No, do you ever see fuck enter the dragon when Bruce Lee fought cream a duel to bar? Yeah, it'd be like that You're not at the end. I would win. No, you're not. No, it'd be like Bobby Lee fighting a young kid. You're not like water I'm not like Like sand

You know how Bruce is like you have to be like water. I'm like you have to be like sand You know what you are you're like the stuff they put in those stress balls Whatever's in there. That's what you are. Yeah, that's what I what's your name? Ethan he's a handsome dude. Look at him. Of course. He is. That's why he fills out our fans. Oh my god. Our fans are handsome They're very handsome. They're always handsome. They're all of our fans are good Bring the kid with the bad friend shirt. Well, let's say thank you to Ethan for being a bad friend Thank you for being a bad friend bringing the kid with the bad friend shirt So we can call him out for being a liar because I get this guy right here. Poser not a fan

Poser. Yeah, you know who he's a fan of who Michael linochi He doesn't know who that is. Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah, you love Michael. What's your name? AJ he didn't sign up to be made fun of by the way. Oh, I'm so sorry. So say sorry. I'm sorry AJ. I attacked you for no reason I apologize. Yeah. Yeah. Are you an american citizen? So am I we have something in common. Well, what I'm barely. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna get my card next week. Where are you from AJ? Uh, Massachusetts. Massachusetts. Boston? North Boston. Well, are you a funny guy? Because a lot of people from Boston are funny. Okay

That's a no, but that was very funny. That was funny. Yeah, the way he did it was good. Yeah, the response was funny. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Had some good inflection in it. No, let me ask you something. Who gets more girls? You or Ethan? You're the winner. Is she here right now? Okay, take that Ethan you bitch. In your face you skinny bastard. Skinny fucking bitch. Yeah, eat something. Yeah, you skinny fuck. Yeah. All right, AJ. AJ, you're the man. Thank you AJ. Yeah, he brings these look at he brings these kids here Can I ask you something? Yeah, do you make them come or do you go? Hey, um, Do you guys want to come off a way to ask this question? Do you make these kids come?

It's like, isn't there there's got to be a million ways to ask Do these kids um, no, don't start with that way. That's the wrong way Hey, do you oh how about this? I got it, right? Do you make these young adults come? Right, yeah, that's legal. Do you make them come? I do not. They do it voluntarily. They do voluntarily. Yeah, let's see if that holds up in court fancy. Yeah, yeah, so um, do you but is it like a credit that they get or is that real? Yeah, they get a credit. Okay So fancy's a teacher Hey, no, I don't don't

Man, I gotta you gotta plug me in. What's going on? I love you, man. Well, why don't you inquire inquire? Yeah, yeah What do you do? What the fuck why why the kids? I do to check last doc. Oh, okay. Yeah, I didn't know that shit. Yeah Quinnipiac, Quinnipiac Quinnipia. Yeah, it's a school that this is the irony of this thing It's a school that actually is located in massachusetts, right in canada kid in canada kid What's the fucking and then they come here every summer? He said kids come young adults

And then he does a summer program with them where he forces them to come to things Is it a film class? It is. What do you teach them? It's an entertainment class like a little introduction to film television But do these let me bring in a random girl just rent Let's get a girl in here and I'm gonna ask them what their dream is and stuff like that. Well, let Pete pick somebody Yeah, Pete some Pete Sony Pete. Look at it. He just points. Yeah. Yeah, you that one by the way in the meantime jules Hi, hi, you know, we're gonna be in give it up. Let's give it up for car laws coffee. It's the greatest coffee god

Oh, I wanted some milk Jesus Christ starbucks. What's your name? Thank you. Hi. Come on in come on in. Don't be scared What's your name? Hi, Liz. What do you want it to be when you grow up? That's a very good question. Thank you for asking. You're welcome. I have a very good question. Good stall Something in tv. I don't know like writing producing whatever they'll take me I like I like vague dreams like that Because anything that happens you and that was me. Yeah, it was anything that happens. You go. I made it. You're in Liz so what year are you senior? I'm gonna be a senior

Okay, right and next year will be a senior year. Yeah, so you're not are you you're not are you prepared for the real world a little bit? Like do you have something in mind that you think you're gonna get into? I don't even know. I mean, I'm doing an internship now. So we'll see we'll see where that goes, but cool. Do they should be miked or I think they should be miked if we're gonna ask some questions doc swing the mic over hold on. Yeah, okay We can't hear her. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah poor doc. Well, it doesn't come off. Yeah. Yeah, just do that You know what this means to me and that I don't mind is that how much more editing fancy has to do? I actually kind of love it. All right. So, um, where did you grow up? New Jersey? Oh, okay. Is it you can get close to that you can get close to that mic. That's right. Yeah, you can physically

You can put your body closer not your head Is it production or is it writing or production? Oh production. Yeah. Well, that's a pretty easy job to get I think no It depends on what you want to do. Yeah, I mean like what do you what do you really tell be honest? What do you want to do? And by the way, let's say this you could reach high me in this piece of shit our stand-up comedians We both We both started at the bottom of our of our respective fields and I got to tell you he'll probably admit this too

I was so afraid to admit to people that I wanted to be a stand-up comedian for a long time or an actor Yeah, because I was afraid of people being like you're never gonna make it. But isn't that true? Yeah You didn't want you we always hit it because you're scared people are gonna make fun of you for it But I got to do the tonight show five years in Jay Leno fine, where are you now? to bad friends But you know, can I say this is real um You should really reach I honestly I I don't believe that I don't believe that you mean that

I this is what I believe. No, I was afraid to admit it I'm saying she probably has the dream and she doesn't want to admit it to us. Yeah, but internally we reach for the stars Internally, I envision everything the big house, right? I'm there now whatever I have now. I'm fine with yeah I'm me too everything that I envisioned you want more you want I know you want you want so much more. Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I've got a half I've got a one bedroom half bath and I'm comfortable with that. No, he's a six bed six bath He lives in the pension and his guest house is a four bed four bath. So my point is is please dream big What is okay? So give us like the ultimate there's no rules

It can this the perfect scenario for you would be what? No rules and don't think it's too out of reach Talk show host talk show host see now she admitted that's cute. That's all she that's great. That's all we needed was to proper That's great. Well, then here's show host is great. Here's Liz. Liz. What what's your last name Ippolita? We got yeah, it's got to go No, no Ippy no, your name is just Ippi. Ipp y yeah, yeah, sure ladies and gentlemen Ippie

The Liz And you come out in a lizard suit Do that that'd be great. Well, let me tell you something if Ip dog Ippie is a dope name Uh, but you cannot it Liz Ippoluto. I mean who's gonna imagine someone in the middle of America He's going what's on at 5 30 Liz Ippolita. Pulo. They're never gonna. They're never gonna remember that So if I was a top talk show host you'd be nippy the chink Yes, I know the um gen Z people don't like that kind of humor No, we don't like you know what we don't like it either. Yeah, we don't like it either. Yeah, I don't like it either

So Ippie Liz We wish you the best of luck because I think you're gonna kill it I think you're gonna be a talk show host America watch out for But if she uses that name we get royalty kicks. Yeah, yeah 5 percent. It's the Liz. Don't forget. Yeah, Ippie the Liz Yeah, uh, and and whomever you talk you got to bring us on the show, you know Yeah, at least you brought me on your show. I'll have to bring you on mine. God bless. I love it What what what network would you prefer to be on? I don't know. NBC is pretty cool. NBC. NBC is pretty cool. Yeah

It is great. I have a deal there Do you? Yeah, it'll fall through. Liz. Thank you so much. Liz. Let's go for Liz. Thank you. You're the best Ippie's the shit. Ippie's the shit. We like it. We like Ippie. We like aj We like Ethan. Yeah, and we only got to hear One of the three which is good. Can you bring your mic back my friend? Well, hold on. Let the kid let the boys do it. Yeah in the meantime, let's talk to you you little scumbag All right, so I have a little um, uh jewels update if I may She's in a committed relationship

Are you serious? You got a motherfucking boyfriend. Give her a round of applause. She's got a boyfriend everybody. Yeah a committed relationship And it's wonderful. I'm so proud of you. Who is this guy? Let's bring up a photo of him No, no, let's bring him a photo. No, let's do it. First of all number number one hot. He has an Instagram He posts no photos Well, okay, can we please see it? But we won't show it to the audience But we'll just show it to us in here. He doesn't she doesn't have I've never seen him You've seen him. Yeah, but it's always blurry and he's from afar and I don't take pictures of us

All right, relax relax asshole. She's an asshole dude. Isn't this crazy? She's 20 years old, right? Yeah Everyone in that room is the exact same age Yet these they seemed together mature sweet thoughtful This true americans true americans and another I'm an american The truth comes out the truth comes out. Yeah, so wait a minute. You fell in love No No, you fell in like

Like you fell in like but I asked her because she's going to the philippine saturday for two weeks You know that right through I know and you might not come back. Yeah, we're gonna come I'll come back You don't know I might close the border I'll come back. What if donald trump's like philippines gotta close it. What if he pops back up? He could get it done of all people that could get it done out of office. It'd be him I'll just I don't know do it illegally. Good girl. But I have good girl. That's the american way She's gonna miss her boyfriend more than me and kalayla No, I said

At the kalayla and him equally, but you know Well, let's be honest here So Anti-kalayla is her blood sure And the man that she is gonna miss is somebody that she's dating Are you trying to date your niece? No, may I say something? Go ahead. Okay, so let me ask you something Have you seen my house?

Yeah, dude, you know I've been to your house. You've been to my house, okay So if you were gonna rent a room at my house, how much do you think that would cost? Am I comedy or real? Real A room there would be 1,500 A month. Yeah 1,500 a month. Right. She's been there for three years Okay, let's do the math Do the math. 54,000 54,000 dollars, right?

Not a dime did you spend. I love autistic Pete Watch this, I'll show you something. This is insane. He knows the day of the week You know this trick? Watch this October 4th, 1964 Dude I'm gonna look it up right now I'm gonna look it up right now Telling you he can do it

Really? Yes, dude Go ahead, I'll look it up while you're talking It's gonna blow your mind, dude Hold on, let me get this one first 1964, are you ready? Yeah This is literally gonna blow your mind I said, what did I say? October, what did I say? 1964. No, October, what did I say? 14th, right? Or what did I say? 8th? What did I say?

October 4th, 1964? Yeah What did you say? Thursday This is a couple days off I was close though, right? You were close You were thin seven days for her It's a Sunday Three days away Give me another one

Just give me a date I'll give you a date I'll give you is March 5th, 1977 Tuesday Tuesday, my friend March 5th, 1977 1977, holy shit

It's a Saturday So we have the same ability Yeah, Pete, you really let me down No, don't you know, some kids that have Aspergers are able to do that They're able to just guess it's unbelievable Well, there is a guy that got hit in the head and he has that ability

Every day throughout the history of time I can tell you the day You know, Marwan Call, you heard about that, right? They made a movie, Steve Krill did a movie about it There was a guy that got hit Yeah, I know that, he made the little toys Yeah, little toys It was a little documentary, then they made a feature film

So let's go back, you're dating a guy And what's his name? I hate his name Oh god, Rudy, why so mean? You should, yeah, it's fine Man, you're such a good partner You hate his name? Yeah

Santa Clarita Santa Clarita, so he's from here He's from Los Angeles, California He's also Filipino Ooh, got one of your own That's good Good looking kid You've met his parents?

No, because his parents are scary Because they're Filipino But you're used to all that Yeah, but I'm still scared I have an announcement to make Please Last night, I saw a movie It was one of the best movies I've seen in 10 years

You mocking me? No Fucking Topka Maverick Can you do the theme song again? There it is The fucking best movie I've seen in like 10 years Yeah, I can't wait to go see it I'm so excited

We promised we'd wait to go with them When we get back from Hawaii And then there's this beach scene Where all the dudes have their shirts off And they're playing football I could have jerked off in the theater Yeah, but it was glistening Their bodies were glistening

When he was going, oh, like that I want to stick my dick right in his mouth What a great movie I hated it Did not like it As a kid, I watched it because When you were watching the planes fly I couldn't figure out who was in what plane

What was really going on But with this movie I could see how that'd be confusing Who's in what plane, what's going on But in this movie You know who's in what plane and what's going on And I believe because it's like They have the technology

Don't make fun of me, man So I'll keep going They have the technology The cameras are in the cockpits Were they in the cockpits last time? Yeah, but this time, but Tom was flying these planes for real Yeah, it was just amazing You didn't know this? The pacing

This motherfucker has six You can look it up how many licenses he has He can fly almost any Airborne motorized vehicle Like helicopters, different levels of planes This motherfucker And spaceships to see Zeno Do you know this story?

He asked NASA that he wanted to make a movie about NASA And he said Will do all this and have funding for NASA You have to let me walk Outside of the space shuttle when we go up there And they were like I don't think so He wants to go outside of the shuttle

In space In a suit Thank you He wants to go without a suit He wants to go without a suit He wants to go outside of the shuttle But do you think it might have to do with Scientology And that he has a spacecraft waiting for him?

I want to go outside So I can get picked up By my people By Zeno and the peeps Zeno and the peeps? Good band Is he in the Liz? Zeno and the peeps Not just conventional aircraft

Tom Cruise is a state train to fly jets He also Skidiving Skuba diving Motorcycles Boats Jets He's the best

And the baby blood has to be flowing He drinks baby blood And you know what it is? Tom Hanks Tom Hanks only does upper half But Cruise will do the whole body You know that's what happens Jules? In Hollywood

When you're famous enough To stay relevant and young You have to drink baby blood You sacrifice a baby It's a ritual Bobby and I are pretty close We were offered I'm okay with the Diet Coke

I prefer maybe Geriatric blood They had this 96 year old lady And they were just clubbing her And then we put straws in her And we both sipped her right there If that was a real thing If baby blood really made you younger

Would you drink it? Are you fucking serious right now? Of course I would drink it Of course It kills the baby though I live long right? I have a tap Like when they do the trees in Canada

Like at Maple Syrum Every morning Of course I would drink it I would drink a baby in two days Jules would you drink baby blood If it made you younger And I'd eat their meat You would eat their meat

They don't waste the baby They eat the claw and eyeballs You and I could finish the blood and give her the meat Also this is nuts I learned about this weekend Steve Fury Took him with me to do a show He did a show in Tahoe

He repped He was great He was talking about this new gang That he had read or heard about You won't believe this To get into the gang To get into the gang They have to fist fight someone to the death

And if and when they beat them They must eat their heart Out of their chest Dude He heard about it on a podcast or something But you lose the members of your gang No These people are trying to get in the gang

So they have to fight anybody they get And fight somebody in the gang They both seem to be in the gang Doc They're not actually in the gang How did you get in the gang You were in the gang How did you get in the gang

That's how I got in the gang Can you imagine that's all it took Look at this blood pack The world's most brutal cartel force Straight from their chest In terrifying initiation Is it a Hispanic gang I'm sorry Carlos

My bad Well it's certainly not a Spanish gang It's not from Spain What would they do make clothes for each other Do you need more fashion No do you need more fashion It's a slap fight Whoever loses

Has to dress the other man for a week You have to pick out outfits for him On it You know those times when you're so into what you're doing That you can't think about anything else Andrew The times when you're at your most Focused and productive Psychologists call that feeling of being in the

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They're busy thinking about vapes That's all they're doing They're thinking about vape pens Billy Eilish She's so talented It's unbelievable I watched the thing with her in Letterman It made me fall in love with her

I already liked her but I was like She's so lovable this fucking kid And the hairy styles I have to fart It's your mic Are you serious? Man Wait a minute

You good? Not really Fuck Not really pal So we have a petition right now For Rudy Juliana Coon To meet hairy styles The boys have organized a petition

For you to meet hairy styles Push us around the internet We have to have everyone sign this So hopefully hairy gets no to this Is that the goal, fans? Exactly I have a connection I did a game show called

Game on Game show Game on was me Rob Gronkowski Venus Williams And Ian Carmel Ben Winston James Corden's producer

But Ben discovered hairy styles And they're really close He did discover him Ben used to produce X Factor Where hairy was discovered So I have Ben's number And I text him But I can't

How do you get into it? Hey my knees wants to meet hairy Can you hook that up? It feels weird and gross I would do it like this Hey bee dog Hey bee dog He'll love that Hey hey bee dog

Hey hey bee dog Let me repeat it I'll write it on my notes And I'll paste it into it Here we go Here we go Why don't you just let Pete type it He'll do it right up there

When I write it myself I can memorize it better Hey hey bee dog Hey hey bee dog Because that's like fat Fat Albert Hey hey bee dog Bee dog

Hey hey bee dog You chilling? You chilling good? Or is chilling good not good? You chilling That's cool D-A-T-S No no no L

That's cool You put five O's Cool It's too much singing bring it back So I have six We do have our resident culture I have six O's there So I take two O's out

So that's cool Yeah that's good So hey hey dog Bee dog Hey hey hey bee dog You chilling? D-A-T-S That's cool

And then write the letter N Wait wait wait hold on hold on N-E-W-A-N-E L-O-N-E W-A-N-E-W-A Yeah Uh What's funny

I thought he was about to spell something What was I gonna spell You started with N and I was like easy It was a hard N One letter scares you Yeah that national list was jumping out of you It was quick it was fucking easy Too far

N-E-W-A My little niece Little niece My little niece cook My cuckoo little niece I don't know about cuckoo verse I want an adjective in there though My bitch ass little niece

Yeah my bitch ass little niece Yeah my bitch ass little niece N-E-W-A-N-E F-N-E-N-E F-N-E-N-E F-N-E-N-E That's not it it's F-N-E-F-I-N-N-A I'm doing it my way

F-N-E-N-E-A-T F-N-E-N-E-T F-N-E-N-E-T is gonna work H-S-T-I-L-S H-S-T-I-L-S F-N-E-N-E-T H-S-T-I I'm gonna put sty H-S-T-I

What it do? What it do? If this motherfucker doesn't know what you're talking about and respond positively He's not a great producer So may I Go for it I'll stand I think I literally shit my pants earlier

Yeah, yeah And guess who has to clean it Gingo I can't stand This doesn't go up Hey, hey, hey big dog You're chillin' Dets

We'll start from the top You need some period You're chillin' Dets Detscu Detscu Period I'm starting over right Hey, hey, hey big dog

Shut up man I'm not gonna say it When you do stop, I do think I can feel it And the director's going like this We have to replace him Yeah, and they're like Who knows Dr. Ken?

Who knows Dr. Ken? Hey, hey, hey big dog You're chillin' Detscu N-E-N-E-W-A Right My bitch knees In Fender meat

What'd it do? Perfect Dude, he's gonna love it He's gonna respond so positively to that You're gonna send that text within minutes He's gonna call Hey, what's up? He's like I've got a meeting already

Yeah, obviously Thank you Let's just say this text This gibberish goes through and Ben is like Okay, I can link it up Would you leave your boyfriend? Yeah, that fast I just need like a boxers

Or like a brief from Harry Styles Oh, you want his underwear? Not washed A concert A tour What if every day on tour he wore this Show underwear and took it off And never washed it and then put it on for every show

You want that kind of underwear And then what would you do with it? I'll just smell it every night Okay So there's about 5 or 6 women in the room over there There's girls in the room over there So girls You could just yell yes or no

Is this something you also want to do? Yeah, yeah, sure Bring better kids next time Other night I was at the store I was in the main room performing And so I go I was doing this physical bit

And there was a guy in the front row And he wasn't laughing And I go, what bro? That shit wasn't funny to you? And he goes, I'm blind Oh no And I go, well then see better I just said something

And I just lost the audience Yeah, I think if you make fun of a blind guy I didn't know he didn't have a thing or nothing Have you ever had that like when you fucked up With an audience member or no? I had a Diner Because I've had deaf people at shows before

And once I saw Where the deaf person was I couldn't stop looking at him Like I just wanted to See because I'm the deaf guy, right? This is the audience, I'm off to the side I know, but I'm just saying

Do the joke in front of me, but then keep looking at me Alright But don't laugh Don't you wish they remade The films in Asian I'm doing your bit You know Like

Braveheart Don't do my joke man Don't do my joke Don't do my joke Don't do my joke I just kept going like this I kept looking over because I wanted to see if he was enjoying it

And he was But it was in my mind because The signers are amazing But I was also like Is this getting Is there anything that she's not going to get Do you know what I'm saying? She's not doing a translation

Well she was killing it, her face was wild It's amazing, I have a friend that does a cat brewer She did a documentary about it But it was like Once I saw it I was like He's right there I couldn't stop staring at him It was fascinating

In Indiana with Pauly Shore And a mother came up to me In my face and she goes My son has Down syndrome And you're like same? Yeah I love to meet him Because I did a bit about it

And it was just like off putting What was the bit? Was the bit off putting? What's up with people with Down syndrome? Alright thank you, goodnight Indiana That's it I didn't know the bit was Immigrants, my dad

Immigrants they don't have a filter Whatever they think they say So I was dating this girl This is my girlfriend Kathy When Bobby was 8 He was molested by a guy with Down syndrome With the bit And I'm like thanks by dad

And taking the girl away It is a true joke I was molested by a guy with Down syndrome When I was a kid I was angry Maybe she was also molested by somebody You think that's what the thing is Do you think she was a liar if her son

Wasn't maybe had Down syndrome? Right maybe her son What if her son was the guy that molested you? Ah And you're out there spreading his I'm spreading it right And just to protect her molesting son That's a good mother

What can you say? What a great mother So this boy Abraham that you're dating So Did you say I want to make it official? Not me, the guy Abraham

That's not his name I know dude He said I want you to be my girlfriend Formally like that Did you ever do that to a girl? Did you ever say will you be my girlfriend? Or was it kind of an assumption thing all the time? It just happens What about you two?

If you Not an assumption I've never said Will you be my girlfriend? Have you done that fancy? Of course he has I've done it too And have they said no?

No they said yes Fancy yes I got a lot of those I heard that often Because I wouldn't know what to do You couldn't handle the no Yeah I'm the girl What a lovely evening

Yeah it's actually kind of nice I really appreciate you taking me out to this restaurant We've been here twice but thank you I love how the sunbeams are shining in my eyeballs And the sunset I mean No that sunset looks great And the sun reflecting off your eyes are nice Yeah it's beautiful

I have little eyes FYI Everything's little about me Not my penis We'll see We'll see Anywho I'm starving

I'm sorry this line at McDonald's Here's the chef Is that what you call the people that work at McDonald's a chef? Well you took me here Yeah yeah Oh hi sir So we'll have a number I like the kids meal

The happy meal Is that what they call it? Happy meal Is there a toy? Thank you What would you like? I'll just have a McFlurry You can spend all you want

It's his money I'll take a McFlurry too I'll take a number one then too Anyway You want to sit Anyway So we've been hanging out for the last 8 years

But 8 and a half years And we've been in Jiu Jitsu school Yeah we did Gracie Jiu Jitsu And Can I say something for a girl? You really know how to put somebody in a Kumura In the best way

It really hurts and I tap out really quick I tap out every time It's really cool And I know that you live with 4 guys 4 guys And they're your just friends Yeah It's a one bedroom apartment, it's weird

It's a studio So 5 guys now in a one bedroom Yeah like the burger joint And they're really buff They're very strong They're all competitive weight lifters Or they all own a CrossFit gym And is it one of them doing light porn?

It's OnlyFans Is that what they call it? OnlyFans You showed me the photo a couple of weeks ago Who's vagina was that in? I think it was one of his friends I mean I'm one of his friends But I don't think it was mine

It was one of his friends Because you have red hair and she had a red hair down there But they have a lot of redheaded friends Are you enjoying your McFlurry? Flurry? Yeah Are you enjoying your McFlurry? Mine too, it's so crunchy

The pits in it The cookie The McFlurry And it's crunchy Anyway The happy meal is great No toy Will you be my

All of a sudden One of my roommates walks in Three beautiful Three beautiful big men They pick me up and they just tag team me Right in front of you And they run a train on me She's from the streets

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But you know, it's funny because some of that's true I asked a girl out, I slid a note under her door Freshman year of college I slid a note under her dorm I slid a note underneath on my hallway And then I saw the guy that she would later fuck Who became kind of a friend of mine Later, I saw them laughing at the note

No That one hurt A lot I'll one-up you Because I think I said real stupid shit in that fucking note Was there a yes and no answer thing? No, no, no, I just wrote like a long Like, I just think you're so cool

And beautiful And I love your style and taste and music Whatever the fuck I said And I watched them laugh at the note I'm so sorry I also asked a girl in high school To spring Or one of those things

And she said no And I said, oh, do you already have a date? And she said no, but there is a guy I'm waiting That I really want to have asked to ask me Oh Yeah, it hurt Do you think that that has motivation For you to do stand up and all that stuff

To use that as motivation? No, it has nothing to do with anything It's awful You take the hit and you're bummed And you're like, well, that's really fucking sad And you look at them differently You know, you're like, oh, I guess You're better than me

And that's okay You got to know where you are on the ladder Is that what it is? They were probably better than me No, they probably were They were out of my league maybe Because when I worked at Panneken I worked at a coffee shop called the Panneken in La Jolla

It was a man who was a little person Yeah, an El Pizzle A little Pizzle, right? But he was a little person, but he had tattoos Which was cool They can't get tattoos Yeah, they only can get one But it fills the whole body

Just give me a whole sleeve Just one tattoo Why did I do the munchin' Brad Williams is one of our good friends And he always got women Yeah Yeah, but he was a good looking Not really

He swanked for the tattoos Hey, Ben, how do you get so many girls? Hey, Lee? He used to call me Lee Which drove me crazy Hey, Lee? At least I try You don't try I go to bat, buddy

Yeah, and I learned to go to bat It's a lower strike zone, but yeah, he does go to bat So I'm gonna tell you the most painful thing I was working at a restaurant There that I fell in love with And I hung out with her for two years But secretly in love with her Oh

I would go to coffee shops Knowing that she sometimes goes And just run into her I would spend eight, ten hours at a coffee shop I wonder if she's gonna come in here So the new generation, the kids They call it stalking They call it stalking?

Yeah, stalking But it's okay We call it mating When we club them over the head Take them with us Back to the cave So one day she starts dating I found out that she starts dating another waiter

From the restaurant And I'm devastated Is he hot? Well, he got married He was hot Very hot And he has money You have money

Yeah, but it took me, I'm 50 now You're 50? Anyway So one day I go She goes, I feel sick, I'm not gonna go to the party And I go, okay, I'm gonna go I went to the party, I'm hanging out And there's a lot of people there

She's upstairs sucking some guy's dick in the bath Really? So check it out Yeah, it gets worse She's here? She's not sick? No, she's upstairs Right? So like an idiot I go and I open the door

Oh no Let me guess She's fucking a guy? She's at a room, at a party And guess what I do? You start fucking them? Like an idiot, I just go in the room and just sit down You sit down?

Yeah, yeah And then they stop And I go, oh sorry And I left And I cross the street And I beat up a tree And I had blood all over my hand I was beating up a tree

Damn it, you know what I mean? Damn it, you know what I mean? It's crying too, you know what I mean? Oh lord, I would say lord Damn it, dang it, whatever And I remember, but then Can you imagine, they're done fucking They're both smoking a cigarette

And looking out the window like little Korean guys beating up a tree again You got it Lee, go get it buddy Right, so then I But I remember, I was probably 22 years old at the time And I remember going, when I was being I remember going, if I don't do Something drastic with my life

I'm never gonna make it You may be beating up trees forever Right, so at 23 is when I started doing stand up I thought he was gonna say he was like 14, but 20, god damn So that was the impetus for all this For stand up, was this one? I can't be doing this, this is weird

Well thank god, this girl Fuck this guy in front of you and you beat up trees Cause then you wouldn't be a good stand up Don't you think that's kinda great? Yeah, in retrospect, yeah, but you know Poor tree, poor tree What did I do? Just cause you have a little dick

Yeah, that was terrible Have you ever had your heart broken Rudy? Just one time When I confessed To a great That's a grade above me And then Just laughed at me

Laughed at you? What would you say, how did you say it? I'll be the guy, go ahead I gave him Re-enacted, this is a podcast, alright Look at me right, we're gonna teach you to be an actor Alright, so look at me right now And just I'm the guy, what's up Is it in the Philippines?

Yeah, what the What the, how you doing? Um, this is for you This is a letter This is chocolate Okay That's what he did? Kinda, yeah

What an asshole Where is he now? I don't know And he has 100,000 followers on Instagram You do Fuck you guy Well, what happened to me? Y'all laughing already You know it's good

What happened, what happened to me? Well, what happened to me? There's one chick I was hollering at Talking to her for about 3-4 months on the phone Straight back and forth, I met her at a bar Right, not with a bar at a party So she was like, finally she was like Okay, we can get in in

So she asked me to come to the hotel I get to the hotel And I'm ready And there's a guy waiting by the door And so I walk up to the guy And I'm like, what's up with you? He said, well, I'm waiting on Patrice And she in there with another

And she told me to come here And I said, what? She told me to come here too And I said, fuck So like, here I am Don't fucking laugh, bro Like I fucking spent all this time Like Talking to this bitch

And she had a dude inside fucking And another dude Waiting at the door So you had to wait for two guys You were last in line I was last in line She asked this guy to come Yeah, first guy

That was like the most bizarre shit that I've ever How long did you wait? I waited a little while Maybe some goddamn answers You know what he was doing He was waiting for that second guy to maybe leave Right He'd be like, you know, I am next

Right Was there anyone behind you? Nah, it was just us two But it was weird for her to do some shit like that No, that's really normal Nah, you go to the hotel to go see your shit Get the fuck out of here And she's having sex with a guy

And the guy's waiting outside Pete met his wife Pete was first He was the one that waited Wait a minute though So you talked to this guy and then you dipped out Did you ever speak to her again? Do you say, hey man Yeah, I called her and then she said

Well, you should have just waited anyway You should have waited Why would I wait? First of all, it was like At least a 25 minute Draft to the goddamn hotel That's what I'm saying Yeah

No, just talk this out Don't get angry, okay? Hear me out, alright? You spent all that money Going over there, alright? There's a little line, we went to Magic Mountain Yeah, we did, we waited And we waited on the ride The most we waited, what?

5, 6 minutes But if we didn't have the fast pass You should have got a fast pass You should have got a fast pass And the front line was the hotel You would have cut in front of the guy And he was like, oh man And you know what?

You might have not been tall enough to go on the ride Yeah The guy that was in front of you He was definitely tall You texted her and he's like Nah, I'm gonna show up, but can I get a fast pass? Mm-mm baby So you never spoke to that girl again?

No, I talked to her I called her and when we talked on the phone She told me that I should have waited You didn't continue the show It was just like, what the fuck Why did you have me come all the way out there And you knew what the fuck To me, she just was

Just fucked up in the head I've never had that happen That's crazy Have you ever had your heart broken again? Yeah Damn, doc Give me a heart breaking story Okay, so I was

Fucking this chick that had a boyfriend So she Good start So now, she breaks up with this dude Yeah, can I guess why? And then, whatever So then she was like I guess

Automatically assuming we were together She did So then she thought we were together And then one day after we had sex She starts crying on me I'm like, what the fuck, why are you crying? What the fuck Why are you crying?

No, it's like, why are you crying? Nah, man Back then, it was like what you're crying for Was it the fifties? We went back that way Because there was no reason to cry I'll just get back in the kitchen There was no reason for her to cry

So I said, why are you crying? And then she goes, well I hate to tell you this but Last week, I made I was staking, went back and slept With my ex-boyfriend So then I said, that's cool Because last week I had slept with two other women

So we're even We are even Two and one In any sporting event If it's two against one, if two and one Somebody's winning Well, it's not even Someone has two goals

And then someone has one goal The team with two goals Okay, you didn't know how that worked? I knew how it worked, but I'm just saying To me, we were even Because to me, we both could have got eights You fucking around You don't wear a condom?

Sometimes, but sometimes Bobby, you go back Did you rob that with the two girls? No, no, no Yeah, you did That's true Why did you jump to eights? I just look at it like

Of all the shit Of all the other things Pregnancy or STDC, we all could have had eights What? Whether it's one or two We could both get it, it doesn't matter You know what I'm saying? And I was like, you had a boyfriend

So what the fuck worked? What? This broke your heart? This broke your heart Because she stopped talking to me And I was like That's not a fucking heart-breaking story, dude This is what we asked you And you're like, what do I say here?

You just pull out a random story from your past What do you want me to? You don't have another fucking story, man I don't have a heartbreak like that What the T say that? No, okay Oh what? Was that a heartbreak, that story he told?

Which one? When he walked in on a whore That's a heartbreak Someone I loved How do you love somebody you're not with? It's called unrequited love You never heard of that? That's what the fuck that was

You were fucking crazy He did beat up a tree You're right What the fuck is wrong with you? And then you sat there and watched him like I understand where I went wrong But still it broke my heart What I'm saying is that the story that you told

It didn't really break your heart But I was fucking, you wasn't Yeah He was fucking The end of the day, he was fucking So what you're saying to me is I don't know why you're getting angry But let's pull back a little bit

Let me just say this, okay So what you're saying to me is that When you have feelings for somebody, there has to be sex Yes, we're intense For the kind of feelings you're displaying Punching trees and shit, who does that? I hung out with her every single day We really wanted to have sex with her

We hung out every single day for two years We took trips together And I just kind of fell in love with her Bobby don't know this word What's that word called, Tina Simpin, it's got them simp That's all he was Simpin, what's a simp?

I'm a simp You are a simp Fuck, hard What does simp mean? It's like you're crazy She simps for Harry Styles Like you do anything for him Simp is a slang

But it's for men, men who are seen as Too attentive And submissive to women, especially Out of a failed hope of winning Some titled sexual attention Oh, that feels good So now I don't have to feel bad For your little heartbreak, fuck you

Fuck Doc gets mean when he gets wrong You get mean when you get wrong You're so mean to me I'm a simp, okay? I was a simp back then I was simping hard, but I did have feelings And it did break my heart

Yeah, it broke your little simp Why can't both of things be true? It is, they are true I'm just, yeah I'm being so mean right now It's being mean to you Hold on Wow

But let me tell you, I know It's nothing You didn't have anything Yeah, well But there's something called unrequited love It's been in poetry Oh Bobby, I didn't know you were so

That was so like great expectation That's beautiful, you ever seen Yeah, yeah, yeah He didn't fuck You know what I'm saying, back to fucking Ethan fuck, you didn't fuck Right, right Yeah, he's loving it

I have to defend myself though Go to town So, you understand that I didn't have sex with a woman until I was 23 Until I started doing stand-up You had sex with a guy before that I sucked a couple of dicks A little child

But I sucked three dicks But in high school Four dicks Don't count Yeah, but I was a kid Since I was When I was in high school I went to this thing called the Sadie

Hawkins dance where the girl asked the guy I was never asked Girls just didn't like me And I always liked girls I would hang out with girls And I would like them hard And I was so scared of rejection That I would have feelings for somebody

But I wouldn't say anything Because I didn't want to get my heart broken Because it's like That same thing, it's like, do you like me? No It would shatter me So what I would do is I would just stay in these friendships

But have these feelings And then they would see other guys It would break my heart I got two more I just thought of two fun ones There was a girl that I had such a big crush on in college And I hung out with her friends We were in the same group

And when I finally Had the time that we were going to Hook up together, I got so fucking nervous Because she was like Finally like down She was kind of like, yeah, I think you're cute Like, yeah, okay I stayed late at their house

I go into her room And then I went down on this girl No less than a half an hour Because I'm not kidding, I was down there I had done all the moves to get there And I was going down on her And I was so scared about coming back up

Because I didn't know the next move I wanted to make So I just stayed down there Even when I thought about it That's not a heartbreak story That's you eating pussy You know, I have pussy jokes But poorly But that's what we're doing hockey about right now

We had to move on from heartbreak Alright, well, I thought you said you had two more heartbreak stories But I went down on her for too long And she tapped on me At some point And she goes, that's enough That stayed with me for a long time Like a parent

And I'm not kidding I got up and I laid next to her And she took like a big breath and then went to the bathroom And then went back out to the party Alright, I have a story then I have a story, because I really liked her a lot Where I fucked up Not Kalyla, but the girl from before

Right, and I feel so bad about this We were making Hooking up, right, in the bed And she takes my penis And she kind of tries to do something Maybe she saw a porn and she tried to do something And I go, what the fuck, it's not a joystick And she started to cry

But she still had Her hand on my penis I mean, I'm like, why did I say that What a scene A woman crying, you naked But it's like, don't, you know, anyone Maybe she had that Maybe she was playing

Galactica No, and then also Do you have another awkward sex story? No, I had another one The go down one, that one kind of hurt me Emotionally, that stayed with me I'm not saying it was heartbreak Those kind of things

There was a girl that when I first moved here When I first moved down here I had met this girl and I, oh my god I literally felt, that was the first time That I was like, so fast I fell for somebody and I was like, holy shit I think this girl is the best We started hanging out and she had broken up with this other guy

And we were hanging out and hanging out And then we were hooking up And she was saying my name Andrew A lot Over and over Wow, and then the next day She admitted to me, her ex-boyfriend's name Was Andrew

And that's Part of the only reason why she slept with me Was that The name was Andrew And she was like I did imagine you were him Because you have the same name Ow, yeah

And then she said, that's enough That'll do, that'll do That'll do That's pretty sad Oh, that one stung Little bit I have an embarrassing story That's not sex related, but with a girlfriend

Give it to me Sarah, not the girlfriend before Kalilah But the girlfriend before the last girl Sure Two go, two go Can we say tonight? Sarah, I just said

You know Sarah She likes vintage Yeah, she's cool She likes vintage paintings She goes to the thrift store a lot And it was Christmas And her parents were around And her parents came up to my house

I don't give a fuck about gifts But I realized That her parents are coming over And I have to give Sarah a gift So I found this painting in my house That's really cool And I wrapped it up It's your own painting

Yeah, it's a painting that I found at the thrift store And they opened the door This is when I was living above the comedy store I remember I lived in Paulie's house above the comedy store And there her parents were And there Sarah was And I go, Merry Christmas She opens it and she looks at it and she goes

She starts crying She goes, I gave you this last year for Christmas Oh my God You fucking asshole It was so fucking awkward They're all blushing because they're so white They just all turn red And I was like, oh fuck

I'm so sorry What do you fucking say, man? And that's why I'm way more mindful about that shit now That's why You don't ever get people gifts That could be it You don't get people gifts I went to Renzo's party the other day

And this is what I always do I shook his hand and there was 400 bucks in cash You gave him 400 dollars Yeah, that's all That's a gift that everyone loves Money Yeah, money is Would you rather have like if I found a vase

A beautiful vase at like some china shop Or if I gave you cash, what would you rather have? I'd throw that shit out the window That vase? Yeah Well, I'd be below the window because I love a good vase Are you mad at me now still? No, I'm never would You're a good dude, man

You throw that vase out the window, I'm catching it I love me a good vase Are you being real? Yeah We got vases all over my house Your wife has vases You don't I paid for them I want a Faber J egg

Can we buy a Faber J egg, a bad friend's Faber J egg? A big one Oh no So what? We can afford it I want a Faber J egg We want a really nice one Give me a real one, what's that one cost? $36,000

$33,000,000 Holy fucking shit Zoom in, let's see how pretty it is Is it worth $33,000,000? The one on the right Look at how beautiful that is All Rudy's thinking about his belute She's just thinking about there's a bird in there

She can eat Is there a bird inside? Or Harry Styles underwear Would you rather have a Harry Styles underwear Or that fucking vase God, for $33,000,000? $2,000,000? How much do you think Harry Styles could sell

For real? $5,000,000 How much would you pay? $5,000,000 What's the highest you'd pay if it was an auction? I only have $5,000,000 She always has $5,000,000 in the bank So you'd give your last time

Wow Why? What if we give you Somebody, like Doc's underwear But we say it's Harry Styles And you smell it for a year, would that be fun? You wouldn't know the fucking difference You would never know

Inside you might know I'd just be like Harry, Harry's underwear would be Would smell You think, okay let me ask you something When he comes You think something different comes out than us? I know what you tapioca pudding Yeah

Like it's sweet in some way No, it's not, it's just like ours Harry's different You think he comes crystal or something? Maybe he eats a lot of pineapples Yeah You don't have to eat a lot of fruit, you're sperm Okay

So you think he poos? Yeah But you think he poos differently than us? I think his poo is, it smells good It's definitely different than you What? Well, you know Why?

Just Okay, I get it, I'll go with that It's just he's better than us a little bit All right, so his poo is a little healthier And it smells a little better I'll say this, of all the heartbreak stories we told On this show I've kind of been mad that Rudy doesn't have any

So I'm hoping that Abraham breaks her heart Yeah, a little bit Because you're also too cocky, you want to get rid of him You don't even like this guy that much, you don't like his name But I like him as a person As a human being By the way, I was in Montreal and Maren Had talked about the Leota episode

That he took out from behind the paywall So I recommend listening to that too Because he removed it for people to see for free And of course, you know Maren Some guy online was like, go away to post To get the attention on you when he dies He was like, I'm giving you a free episode I want you to be able to hear his fucking interview

And it's good She has no idea who he is No Wow Chantix Chantix? If you need to stop smoking with Chantix He was awesome

He was incredible I would say Leota's He's in two legendary movies I think Goodfellas is probably Goodfellas' Feel the Dreams Goodfellas got to be the most famous movie of his But Feel the Dreams I think Goodfellas is number one

I just gave you that man I'd like to thank Doc I'd like to thank Doc for getting so angry at me About me not fucking girls And it's not heartbreak or whatever I absorbed it And I let it go

And I love you so much And let me tell you this Quinnipiac University Thank you so much for being here You guys really are the future There you go And the count of three I want you guys to yell in unison

Thank you for being a bad friend Okay One, two, three Thank you for being a bad friend They're students That was pretty good I was a pharmacist I would be taking so many pills

That's why I'm taking One for you One for me My dick would be so hard That pharmacist walks around giving advice with a boner Yeah I'll wire it out Have you ever taken this pill before?

It would be a mess Just a juiced up, jacked up, bonered fucking guy There's no way I get fired By who? You're the pharmacist Who's gonna fire that guy? I would get stuff that's heavy Like stuff that killed Michael Jackson

What is it? No, what was it called? He was on a bunch of stuff The one that was the good one The good one Propofall I was snort sticking to my eye Propofall

What is it called?