Bad Friends - Hi, America!

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Bad Friends is a comedy podcast with hosts Bobby Lee & Andrew Santino. In this episode we talk Cats & Dogs, woke comedy, and give you the heartfelt message you deserve. Subscribe to our YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Thank you to our sponsors: http://forhims.com/badfriendspod & http://betterhelp.com/badfriends & http://meundies.com/badfriends More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor. It's the easiest way to make a podcast Let me explain. Oh, please. It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more. You can make money from your podcast too No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob?

Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started When I was there fighting them fucking Koreans. Yeah, I gotta tell you I came down from a tough chopper mission Yeah, one of them little nice Korean birds. She fed me some some what she called was taco. She said taco Yeah, what's that? You hungry? Oh starving. What is that? This is a meatloaf. Oh Love me some fucking meatloaf. Thank you so much. What's your name? Oh nice to meet you gong I have some of this meatloaf. Mm-hmm We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. Thank God. Thank God. We're back because um, I

Haven't left the house in five fucking days, bro. Kalala kept you in Jane. She acts like it's 1939 Poland Don't go outside. They'll see you Hide under the floorboards The Germans are here though, you know, it's it's it's she's act. I know George is a Nazi with a 100% She we she's like Sarah Connor. It's like Shotgun, you know, I mean and like the blue apron guy comes up the the driveway, right like leave it at the gate That's what she's doing. That's what she's doing. It's just it's out of control And you're freaking out. She's acting Craig. Are you getting any sleep? No sleep. Yeah, it's like it

She's acting like it's the end of the world. Look at your gloves. By the way lift up. Let's just show the camera Why yeah, look at how dirty that is. Yeah, it's all corona It's all corona And then did you see did you see the girl licking the toilet seat air on the airplane? I hope she dies. Did you watch? Yeah, yeah, it's dumb. Oh, it's Unfucking real. It's unreal and I mean I have to say this too and I don't I hope I don't get in trouble To say something that's gonna get me in very very big trouble is So I had a conversation with our dear friend

Eric Griffin, which is a dear friend of mine. He's like one of my best friends if like, you know, he's like a brother Yeah, is he not? Yeah, so we're talking today on the phone. He's like, I'm like, yeah, I'm worried because I Smoke I'm getting old on 48. He's like and I go I once the coronavirus hits me I think I'm gonna be one of those casualties. He goes. Yeah, that definitely do you for sure. He's like me I've been taking vitamins and I'm you know, I mean I know mac and cheese or vitamins You know because me I'm fine. I'm taking my hormone pills my vitamins I go if I die Eric You're gonna die. All right, as soon as coronavirus hits your body gone blood's gonna squirt out of your black titties

Chocolate blood's gonna squirt out and he's just gonna his eyes gonna roll back. He's gonna go into convulsions He's gonna die instantly Eric Griffin. I love you bro, but don't tell me that you're fucking Carl Lewis Because you're not all right if he if you die he dies that's what land. Oh, by the way, that's why I did this You can see my facial hair. This is in this is uh, this is because Eric shaved his did you see Eric with Did you see this? Yeah, let's show that let's show our viewers. I know Eric Griffin shaved his mustache For those that haven't seen it. Okay. First of all, this has been Eric since I've known him. Yeah He's had a mustache since I've since 1932 32 he's had the mustache and now yeah, I think it's got to be maybe on his on his Instagram

He shaved his mustache and I look at this motherfucker with no upper lip No upper lip look at that's thinner than mine. Yeah, you know why he forgot the reason why he grew it in the first place Is to hide the ugly? Right when you through grow a fucking thick mustache like that is to hide something well, you have to look at that Brad Williams What did your coronavirus do to your mustache? Oh? Oh, we love you. No, he knows we love him to death. I just can't believe look at that nose Look at that. It's a cartoon nose. Look at those. Look at those nose hairs are really trying to poke out Yeah, like Disney animation made that nose my folks

Right that's like from somebody's imagination. Yeah, it's bad. It's bad. What did you what did you you guys go? Did you do grocery shopping or nothing? We're getting everything delivered Amazon, you know the delivery. Yeah, you know and then um So that the other day I go I want chips. Just get me whatever kind of chips, right? Yeah, what could she fucking orders these fucking? hemp kale Seed chips bitch. I want Doritos. I want Doritos. That's the new ad Bitch I want Doritos. I want nacho cheese bitch. Is that what you get?

Whatever man, it's like she's getting all the stuff that she would eat You know, right? Like shit that she like healthy, you know, I mean, yeah, if we're gonna if miss apocalypse If we're gonna die give me Twinkies. Yeah, let me eat. Let me eat it. Do we did that? I went shopping I bought the shit. I never there's six things a mac and cheese in my fridge. There's the craft. Oh My god, don't fuck with it. There's four. There's four There's four Um Whatever, let's move on

No, no, but why can't I think I have no idea because you're making it up. Let's go. No, we went grocery shopping yesterday We bought we bought mac and cheese. I bought big bags of beef jerky. I really like beef jerky. Oh Yeah, yeah, that's what I bought. That's what was ruffles. I was trying to think of the name of the brand ruffles Oh, but I bought sour cream and cheddar, which are her favorite. Yeah, my old bags favorite I bought all dressed, which is Canadian. Do you know all dressed? You don't you don't know all dressed. Holy fuck Do you guys know all dressed all dressed is the most popular brand in Canada? It's salt sea salt and vinegar Barbecue sauce. Yeah, it's like combining both of those chips. It just seems like something that white people would like it is That's what we invented almost everything. So I'm gonna pass on it. You're gonna what kind do you want?

fish sauce You said earlier before the cameras were on I said we're hunkering down we're making stuff and you said out of the blue you said dog Why would you say that because you said we're making we're making stuff out of the blue I just said dog. I know but no as a term of endearment like my dog. No, you're my bug I don't think that that what is I did see the I did I did see a video this morning a girl sent me What of them cooking a live dog in China? Oh, there's videos circulating now all the fucked up shit They're doing you know what it's like, you know, you've heard of the Yulin dog eating festival. Yeah

What the fuck what did you place when you were over? What did you place? Were you first or second third? I took a bronze Because I wouldn't eat that pit bull. Yeah, you wouldn't no, it's just too angry much. Yeah, you know that kind of energy Yeah, I'm I like I like The Yorkshire terriers. Oh, they good. So tender. What's the what's the sauce of stuff? Let me say something right now Yorkshire terrier puppy Yeah, it's like sashimi. Is it really if you if you kill a newborn Yorkshire terrier, right? Yeah, and you just slice when it's alive preferably you will you can't kill them first because if you kill them the muscles get Right, so you you got you just have to like while they're alive, right? You slice open the belly. They make it they make a sound

What is it? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and you just slice open like the belly meat Oh my god, that's right. You drink the blood. Yes, I do of course I do man because you know I'm a warrior, but my point is is this is that we don't do that I have three dogs at home and I love them more than other humans. So That bit we just did was a joke. It was a joke. You know dogs aren't dogs can't get it Good they confirm dogs can't get corona. They can carry it, huh cats I don't really care about cats even a little bit. They can get it. In fact, I hope every cat gets it Okay, I want to say this right now. I hope every cat gets corona. You know

I hope they're walking around all limping like yeah, you view cats like Asians. It's the same fucking impression No, no, no, no, yeah No, no, no, I want to see I want to see I want to see videos of cats online with corona. Yeah, yeah, just a little leg And they're coughing Yeah, here's the thing you don't know about cats though. Go ahead. Do you ever live with one? No, okay? I would never but that's how I do so when I'm okay. So here's the deal bro when I met Kalyla. I Was the type of guy that if I saw any animal You mean I would speed up to hit it to hit it. I didn't give it off

Fuck a dog. I don't give a fuck right you want to kill the animal because I never know I said that that is just I'd never knew the bond that you could have with an animal That's right when you're not raised with it necessarily you're not gonna really care Right, so what happened was I met Kalyla my girlfriend on the Tinders and She I spent the night at her house one night and we had a she had a cat named Ming But it was a kitten. It was about this small and I slept on her bed and Ming would sleep on my shoulder And I just wanted to grab it and just squeeze the life

I don't know. I just didn't like him. Okay, right? But then one day Kalyla went out of town and I was living it on Beachwood. Yeah, and she goes Um, can you take care of Ming for a week? I go it's not gonna be alive by the time you go home And I don't know what happened, but Ming one day I came home And she just was just sitting there and she goes Like welcome home And I fucking fell in love with this thing man

She's like I I love Ming more than most of my cousins Like if my cousin Andy died my cousin Andy died Just listen to me man. Yeah, I am this is Call me call you're my other cousin call me tell me if Andy died call me Hello Hey, Bob What's up, dude? Why are you so sad? Oh man? You want you want to breathe it?

Right you want to breathe Oh my god, yeah, what happened Andy died What? Yeah, Andy died Okay, Andy died. All right. Well, you know, okay. Well, I'll talk to you later. Okay. Okay. Hang up. Yep. PlayStation Nothing right in no, I would probably have tears, but I would still play like think about him You know like, oh, yeah, I'm not gonna stop the game But if Ming died it's it would I would be devastated for years. So Ming is gonna die And I'll be devastated if any of my cats I have three cats if any of them die

I love them love them so much. And that the thing is is that you just don't know no, I know cats You don't know I don't like them. I don't trust them. They don't greet you the same when you come home My dog is at the door wagon wagon her tail. She's so excited to see me when her is waiting for me My one of my middle cat is waiting for me at the door and where are the other two the other two and hiding No, not hiding, but they're relaxing, bro. They're two different fucking things. They do all that all they do all day is relax Can you play fetch with a cat? Oh, no, you can play other things what you can do the fucking the laser. Oh, okay That's fun as well friend. Cats are always it's always a fat guy's best friend

You can laser from your fat couch No, and you can do one of the dangly things it hits. No, also cat you fucking you don't know nothing about cats You don't have to take it for a walk Did you know this too? It's like it cats the thinking man's animal and it poops inside Did you know that people men who love cats are more college educated and smarter than the Where did that statistic look at the stats? Look at the stats, bro. Look at Marlon Brando Marlon Brando, bro. Yeah, what about us, right? Sir Patrick Stewart stewart Picard

Captain Picard. He loves cats bra. Okay. Yeah, he loves all gray too. There's plenty of smart guys that love dogs Yeah, but it just statistically smarter people I'm not buying into this google it you you're so fast at fucking googling shit google it How could you what would I search? Tell me what would I search George? What would you see sir? What could I even search? average intelligence of cat owners cat owners average Intelligence versus versus versus dog owners versus dog owner Yes, this is going to be some bullshit

The research revealed that the owners are the two animals to have different personalities cat lovers being more sensitive and open minded And then dog luggers who are largely energetic. That's right. Carol University in wisconsin cat owners scored highly Unintelligent than dog owners. There we go Right but also there we go, but also more sensitive and what open-minded you're that's what I told you about bill o'reilly earlier dude you're a closed off angry man fact fact oh look at this a study by Keller University also found that people who like cats in general tend to be total fucking losers look at that says that right in the study if you're more introverted and sensitive maybe you're more at home reading a book and your

cat doesn't want to go outside for a walk I'm I just want to read a book and not go walk no I would get outside you fat lazy piece of shit yeah get outside yeah go outside take a walk you know what you are doing yeah in the movie let's just look at me right now stop fucking put your fingers on that fucking thing you know what you are bro yeah you ever see the movie war the world mm-hmm you're the kind of guy that as soon as that thing fucking hit right that you're gonna go investigate the crater and then the machine comes out of the earth and you're gonna get evaporated you guys like me dude yeah we're in the house

petting our fucking little fucking you know kitten yeah right and we're alive no yeah you're angry yeah you need anger management there I would love to see how many people that fight in the arms services our cat people versus dog people the people that defend this fucking country yeah that's how many of them you're a grunt our cat people that's fine none you know why because they're grunts because somebody needs to be on the frontline doing the aggressive let's get outside let's attack the day instead of just no it's not me this is me right this pipe yeah smoking jacket fire right cat on my fucking thing right

that's what I am bro you fucking idiot you guys are fucking animals bro that's why you like dogs I like dogs are the best they're not that the best yeah they're the best but actually but could I say that I have three dogs and three cats right yeah I love both because I am both you're just one dimensional I'm just a dog and you're you're a cat combinations right right I have all I'm very more you're more well-rounded you're more well-rounded than I am yeah rounded you're much more well-rounded than yeah cuz I'm fat what because I'm circular in shape that's not what I said okay anyway I love my cats look I

don't hate cats this has all been a bit I don't I don't want any inside of my house I don't like hair I don't like hair and I don't like that they poop inside the inner little box that's fine disgusting it's inside your house it's well we do anyway what do you clean it yeah of course I clean it you fucking idiot okay so why not just do it outside what I did was I created a fucking cat door and I have an extra compartment outside that's enclosed that they pee and poo you can't smell it so they go outside in a in a like a shack that I had built okay that I'm cool with yeah and that's what I did I love that you

have to I think if you don't have thumbs you have to poop outside that's my rule oh really you're so if you don't have thumbs you have to poop outside that's my rule any who my buddy mark has no thumbs I can't make him poop outside in the yard any who any who last Thursday yeah was crazy because so I call my agents Wednesday you know and I go cuz I'm going to Denver and I go I don't think I should go and you know your agents you should go Bobby no one else is gonna make money no one's canceling go you have to go and I go because you sold out the rooms you know six shows yeah I should do the shows and you got

to do it and I'm like thinking you know I don't know if this could get crazy I should make the money right so I fly over there and it's really one of the best comedy clubs ever yeah the Denver comedy I can't talk good enough I can't talk any more good about it it really me either it's one of the best it's just structurally the staff everything the owner everything about it is perfect yeah but so I do the first show but you know how it's set up but you're on the stage and the audience is around well they're on the stage they're on the stage with you pretty much so it's like it's not as if you're like levitated

above them and there's a gap you're like amongst them so as soon as I walked out there I was like this it didn't feel right you get nervous not just nervous it was just like what the fuck am I doing and then in between shows Kevin Christie and I am my opener by the way our emcee there Georgia was amazing but anyway Georgia I forgot her last Brooks I know she's great is she a local in Denver yeah okay I don't know yeah and I turned to Kevin I go we gotta get out of here and especially this is that they were refunding tickets understandably yeah but then I'm like if you're refunding the tickets then I'm

not gonna make any money you're gonna lose money yeah a lot of it right so then I just kind of went I'm fucking out here but it's crazy the fact that I even went out there in the fucking first place dude I'll give you that so I just got back from Chicago I canceled my show this is the craziest part the governor Pritzker or the mayor or whatever of Chicago Pritzker said venues with 250 or more they highly suggest this was then highly suggested not doing a show I got a call from my agent they're like live nation says they're okay with you doing it it's up to you so they put it on my shoulders I to do the show I and

Thalia Hall is like 600 something like that just around six and I said okay so I'm doubling the rule already just sold out yeah and I was like I'm doubling it was it was actually sold out way earlier and I should have done two shows but whoa but I but they put it on me and I was really upset genuinely I'm not joking I was like actually mad pacing in my mom's living room because I was like well this is gonna be my fault if I do the show and something bad happens if a few people come and get sick they're gonna write in the fucking in the tribute Andrew Santino decides to put on a show despite what's going on right in

the city of Chicago right because all the other theaters are closed down the bars and clubs were already starting to close down so then I was like well it's on me so then I canceled I put out a fucking thing on Facebook being like hey I'm sorry I can't do this like I just can't and most people are supportive because they get it it's so funny that some people are like oh way to succumb to the fucking media yeah you're like what are you out of your fucking mind I know watch what you're saying now at this point forward huh because you're gonna because there are people out there yeah that believe that this is fake a

liberal agenda and that the fake news which is you know CNN MSM they're fucking morons don't watch I said watch what you're saying if you think this is yeah yeah you're a fucking moron this is real I know but just easy because so people have certain okay you know if you think this is fake you're a fucking no no no it's what you're saying anyway hams what's a common issue men face but don't always want to talk about it think hard and long oh hard and long 40% of men by the age of 40 struggle for not be able to get and maintain an erection why do you guys do you get soft did you get hard I get hard now let me see no

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help you guys um you know the last six months have been the most grueling six months of my my life psychologically my dad died I relapsed I had a lot of like past issues that I never really dealt with and by going through counseling it really changed my life it's taken a weight lifted from my shoulders and I really strongly suggest it to be free yeah better help will access your needs and match with you with a licensed professional therapist you can start communicating in under 24 hours it's not a crisis line it's that self-help it's professional counseling done securely online there's a broad range of

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they're posted every single day go to betterhelp.com you talk so fast reviews well I think people are getting the gist of it because I'm also clear when I talk very fast go to betterhelp.com that's better HELP and join over 700 thousand people take advantage and charge of their mental health with the experience with the help of an experienced professional okay there's a special offer Bob this is a service that we use personally here on Bad Friends Pod so I really we really highly recommend it yeah I really do think it does get you the help that you need and if you and if it doesn't just keep

listening to our show so there's a special offer for Bad Friends listeners get 10% off your first month that's very good because this stuff isn't cheap but they're helping people out get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash Bad Friends people people are mistaking the fact that we didn't cancel shows because we wanted to cancel the shows we cancel shows because you feel like you might be putting other people in danger or in harm's way and I don't want to be responsible for other people being put in harm's way yeah so that's why I did it and by the way if you think we want to cancel shows and lose

money what the fuck our hope three months of both of our tours are done that's our livelihood so it's not like I'm like yeah fuck them I don't care I'd rather just chill do the I want to do the opposite I want to be in Boston right now yeah I want to be fucking in Cincinnati next weekend that's not that that's my biggest problem is people online saying shit making it up that it's not really that is is that people don't realize is that you know I'm not the Lea who I'm not Crystal Lea or Whitney Cummings I don't have that kind of money right so I rely on going on the road and making money I need to do it

yeah right yeah you know and so I mean I'm I'm so happy for the two I just mentioned and they're very good people and you know they deserve you know I mean but I don't like either but I need to go out there and I rely on road money yeah to survive and so it's not an easy decision no to go I'm gonna go home yeah yeah but I'm I think in light of what's happening listen this thing probably isn't gonna kill anyone in this room but studies say that I hope that doesn't I mean imagine why did you say that because now they're gonna use this loop at our funeral is probably isn't gonna kill someone in this room and then

that soft music kicks in what's the space it's the it's the it's the fancy bean or that's gonna die am I gonna get canceled from that saying that no you said fancy in front of it because Spanish people are fancy beaners yeah you know me Spanish people they don't drink coffee didn't drink the ones with a little espresso the espresso and he goes espresso I am drinking espresso when I came in he was he was whittling his own shoes that's how he's they're really talented those guys but they say that like young people that get coronavirus they lose 20% of

their lung function you told me that but I'm only functioning on 20% lung functions as it is so if I get it I'll have a zero lung function yeah I'll die immediately in both lungs or is it just in one lung I don't know but like a Belgian doctor was analyzing young patients that had the coronavirus and he said the results are fucking terrifying I know I saw some of the x-rays online you can look up some of the x-rays online of people that are getting it it's creepy as fuck yeah and they show what it looks like in your lungs kind of like how pneumonia looks kind of creepy in your lungs and the

reason why we're acting accordingly is because it's not because I believe that I'm gonna die from it I just don't want to pass it on to an older person I don't want you don't want to be carrying this thing no just like making other people sick right so let's you know do our due diligence right and just kind of be you know the the fancy African-American actor from England got it let's let's try to get there together yeah yeah yeah his first name rhymes with EJ Abu children's sounds like children I don't know I address Idris mm-hmm what's the last name sounds like Felba Idris Felba sounds like Idris Elba bam that's

Idris Elba Idris Elba got it the fancy English African-American him actor got it who else got it he's first of all he's an American first he's a mayor he's an American he's not an African-American he's an American but he's from England yeah so he's actually an English-African-American yeah okay my bad American my bad my bad I don't know much about him great actor love them on cats Tom Hanks and his wife cats won the best movie of the year I'm gonna I bought it I'm gonna watch it tonight it's so good yeah I'm not kidding it's one of the best movies I've ever seen I can't wait to watch it cats is

amazing okay maybe now I like cats okay I take it all yeah Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson his wife yeah these are all the famous people I got it oh here's a guy that you don't even know but I it it hit my brother and I hard Miquel Arterra who's Miquel Arterra Miquel Arterra so I I don't know if you guys know this but I I love soccer oh and I've all my life I've been I don't even know how to spell that M-I-K-E-L Arterra he got he has it yeah poor Miquel Arterra sorry keep going there is Miquel Arterra right there and so Miquel Arterra was a midfielder for Arsenal Arsenal is my favorite team of all God he's good looking yeah and

Miquel Arterra is now the manager of Arsenal FC right and he has it wow and he's the coach how come it doesn't say that he has it on any of these good put Miquel Arterra coronavirus I think it would pop up if he had it just fucking say coronavirus I don't know man I feel like that would be the first thing that would come up don't you think coronavirus update as Arsenal boss sends he's doing better he's in recovery he's in recovery god damn he's fucking good looking good I'd suck a fart out of his ass he played for Everton but now we even he went to Arsenal and now he's the

manager he's very talented you think so many soccer players are so much better looking than other athletes because they have to use only their feet it doesn't that doesn't matter though yeah because in football you have to use your head okay what about basketball how come they don't have to use my you know what I think it's because these men are proportionally sized that's not what it is these guys aren't big guys what you do to do in G and the bigger you get the more weird you look in doing it bigger you get I let me talk go ahead all right you have to understand that in yours what I really think about the

whole thing I think I fuck go ahead I need a string drink again you have to understand that in in Europe right in America if you're an athlete you're young man right you dream of being either in basketball baseball football there's so many options for you right but in Europe the number one sport is soccer so the whole world but in Europe too so you have to understand that most people kids growing up the athletic they all go into soccer right so they're getting not only the best athletic people in soccer but then you're getting also good-looking why would that correlate this that's just because you're

the best athlete I'm still you're still not proving my point you're still not proving the point why would they be the best looking just because of the best athletes there is no direct correlation between the best athletes it just so happens that many people in soccer you want my you want my guess and I bet you old old fancy be over there can tell us see it because I said it I want you to cancel too no because I'm white all right you can do it fancy be we'll call you that fancy be yeah yeah fancy be knows that like span it a lot of the Spanish that get you know that get their kid there a lot of money right a lot of

money and you know money it looks money money and looks have this thing that come together that's right now they're you and I are that good-looking we didn't our parents don't have a lot of money people that are rich usually are good looking and they have good-looking kids because they fuck people that are also good-looking yeah right if you are of this small ill could people that are rich and good-looking and have athletic genes because usually that's what comes along with good looks then you make me tell our teta can I tell you some of that you his parents are fuckable too look at Freddie Youngberg Freddie

Youngberg we're just gonna be jerking off the soccer yeah Freddie Youngberg is an arsenal X arsenal fit player to Freddy oh Youngberg yeah Youngberg this guy even even bald he's fucking yeah but look at a young a young no but I'm saying even bald he's good looking at my point he was young though oh my fucking God right there yeah yeah yeah yeah suck it suck it's like my dick yeah suck it is joy line yeah yeah there's so many you're right Ronaldo's handsome Christiana Ronaldo isn't handsome he is gorgeous big difference he's gorgeous yeah handsome guys are like John Hamm is handsome yeah yeah Christiana Ronaldo is fucking

stunning that guy dripped sex yeah I'm not kidding dude I'm not gay at all anymore they I got rid of it yeah I'm gonna show you something when I when I I'm not kidding when I see Ronaldo on TV yeah I get why some people feel gay sometimes yeah he's fucking hot yeah his hair is nice his smile his eyes are cute imagine what his butt looks like who we're not all though imagine what his naked butt looks like no cellulite a perfect crest between his thigh and his tush but I'm gonna I'm gonna give you you can get it right I'm gonna say this though soccer players too right mm-hmm this extremes opposite could happen as

well yeah there's some really fun there was a guy that for Everton he was the manager of Everton but then he managed Manchester United yeah his name is he also played David Moyes bring it up but put young David Moyes young David Moyes yeah MOY easy MOY ES young David Moyes there he is the first just get the first photo fuck fuck it's me yeah fuck it's me so that can happen as well right but that's rare no it's not I can name you so many ugly is he British though he's Scottish same thing same yeah yeah but that's why this is how I knew he was Scottish this right here yeah yeah the mouth I just got a taste yeah

that's they're bad with that shit over there and I'm not saying they don't do that Brits and Scots aren't like that anymore by the way they've advanced fucking but back then yeah they all that was the old joke like Brits have bad teeth guess what they did they had fucking terrible teeth and look at the skin vampire skin vampire skin don't sleep but here but you know like here's the here's my biggest thing is what the difference of like look at this like Rudy Rudy go bear he's an NBA player that got it yeah that got the fucking that got the stuff you know that got the corona yeah you know like he's not

ugly but he he's just a he's fine he's fine yeah that's fine he's fine as average yeah but there's a lot of NBA players because let me ask you this the bigger they get the more goonier you you naturally look goonie you look on you look unorthodox like look at right there like this is a normal Donovan Mitchell normal looking good-looking kid good-looking you know why why normal size he's probably like six four six five he's not once these guys get six ten they're like they become yummy yes yes maybe the ugliest guy to ever play in the fucking NBA well that's a stretch Yao Ming by far the ugliest ugliest

player look at this fucking this thing was made in a lab yeah this guy was made in a fucking asshole dude Yao Ming's a good dude he was made in a lab there's nothing good about that word right there yeah yeah handsome giant you're off your fucking head kind of handsome not even a little bit China for China no there's plenty okay what about I always thought though Jeremy Lin is he is he Chinese no what is he Taiwanese you don't even fucking but neither of you guys know but imagine yeah what yeah me if y'all mean didn't play fucking basketball what job would we have in China you think

charm Jeremy Shu Hao Lin is an American professional basketball for the Beijing Ducks of the Chinese basketball Association his background sanity do you is it Taiwanese oh look yeah he's born in Torrance yeah you're probably right there's literally no doubt he's an American Christian family yeah he's an American just like me fucker look at his mom gi Ming and Shirley immigrated to Taiwan yeah Taiwanese bomber let me ask you this he's good looking when now when you know it's been a gay sport set up by the way it's a Chinese virus oh my god some reporter they said a White House staffer called it kung-fu that's the

funniest thing I've ever heard the kung-fu yeah the kung-fu's come over it's taking over because I don't argument with I'm Kailah the other night about you know cuz I go is Chinese virus bad and then she's like calling it that because it's you know you're saying is it bad for you to say it no is it bad for president because people are making a stink about you know I mean Trump saying it I know a lot of like Asian actors there are just up in arms that's cuz they don't like Trump to begin with I mean that's not that's be real that yeah but yeah I don't you know I think Chinese virus isn't as bad as people say but

then because of my argument is is they call it the hey Fancy B are you offended they call it the Spanish flu no cuz it came from fucking Spain yeah I mean it was the first reported case right so we call we called it Spanish flu because it was from but then the but then Kailah's argument is is that yeah but when was the Spanish flu it was in 1918 1918 the world wasn't as woke as we are now I think if the Spanish flu happened now she was her point is is that we wouldn't call it the Spanish flu yeah H1N1 that's that was the and the bird bird flu and all that stuff that yeah yeah but I know what I know what she's

saying I think it's because people are more racially sensitive now it's kind of why we don't say Oriental except why did it why did it call the rugs that still because the rugs are from the Orient region of the of the of the country but if you said you can't say Oriental food it depends on where the food is from well if the food was from there Oriental region by the way the Orient doesn't exist anymore all right so the rugs I don't call it that I'm saying that says Oriental rug on a sign yeah I call it Chinaman rug okay Chinaman rug yeah let's just move on Chinaman rug yeah yeah is Chinese food offensive no

man of course not yeah so Chinese flu isn't either Chinese food from China a Chinese flu because I think what people are up and arms about is is that he has a history of being racist of using rhetoric right to divide and I think that that if he was like if it was somebody else saying it yeah it wouldn't be as I don't think as um divisive I disagree I think if any politician called it the Chinese flu they would get flack for it right now for sure yeah but look it came from China I don't think it's racist and there's also if you called it the Qingxiang flu was it yeah then that would be bad yeah if you if it was a

more slanderous term but I don't want to get canceled right now but I want to propose an idea you've said four things that will get you canceled I know but I've been locked up for five days I know say it baby let it fly fuck it yeah but just don't eat the bat yeah I mean yeah I mean there's certain things that like you know you know as Americans right we eat Indian food yeah right we eat you know I mean the things that you're supposed to eat I believe well right okay I ain't gonna eat no fucking draft leg yeah but that but if that's part of your culture and it's normal then why would it be abnormal I don't think that

eating do you see them eating the live mice yeah it's crazy dipping it you know the sauce that they have is so good in the chicken yeah but what if that's the part of their culture it's normal just go to the chicken what if they can't afford it become veg tofu okay you get your protein that way they have way there the problem is is embedded in the culture even the calendar year of the chicken year of the goat year of they love weird little animals yeah they love animals yeah but if you ever go to like a Chinese market in like Beijing or whatever not Beijing but let's go I would never Hong Kong no never never gonna

go you I'm pretty sure you see things there that you know and I'll eat anything I mean everything right not bad just like there's just certain things like you know the shoulder of a meerkat don't eat it what if it's good yeah I'm just playing devil's advocate I understand why people are mad that they're like yeah you know cuz people yeah I ate a fucking bat now I don't got a 401k it's like I look yeah but also this is part of their culture yeah yeah you're right I mean maybe there are things that we don't eat because we just don't know like for instance I think that we don't eat certain things

because they just aesthetically look cute right panda koala okay dogs and cats seriously we don't eat them because we really like them and I'm gonna say this too about dogs and because I don't I'm not want to get canceled but make sure you get this sound but if you if you talk to old Korean Korean war American vets my grandfather right and they've eaten dog because at the time they were fed dog they were fed dog right and they say it's most most delicious meat they've ever had that's what they say I look my grandfather passed away on forces I can't ask him but I don't I don't know that's what they say they

say that it's good meat it's tender really good meat so when I was there fighting them fucking Koreans yeah I gotta tell you I came down from a tough chopper mission yeah one of them little nice Korean bird she fed fed me some some what she called was taco she said taco here sir yeah what's that you're hungry starving what is that this is a meatloaf oh me I love me some fucking meatloaf look thank you so much what's your name oh nice to meet you gong have some of this meatloaf we're gonna get fucking canceled me on these hi friends wearing it right now you may heard of me under these before they're

on pretty much every podcast ever but besides that me on these makes the world's most soft and sustainable underwear they literally designed their undies for comfort and self-expression fact so whether you opt for solid black or a unicorn print you'll do it all as comfortable as a cuddly kitten that's right I have on seafoam green today this is not one of those phony is he being real things I swear to God I have an entire underwear drawer filled with me undies they are my favorite they have a cupping they have a cutout portion for your peen in your I know because I use me undies when I perform on stage when

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serious for a second no jokes this I'm being very genuine right now it was a tough weekend for me in Chicago because I have a family member that I'm not gonna mention that's not having a good time with life and it broke my heart and it gave me a lot of perspective on the world so if I can offer any advice to anybody that's listening that's trying to get through all this stuff all the jokes that Bob and I say and all this stuff be sure to check in with your family and and I think it's I mean it stop it is it because this facial hair is fucking no no no it's just first of all the facial hair they didn't work

whatever you're trying to do it looks good yeah whatever you're trying to do the bit that you're trying to do wasn't a bit yeah you were you're like before the show I have to say this before the show right in the fucking bathroom I couldn't even say one sentimental fucking thing but he was in the bathroom and he's shaving he's like I want to do a bit because you know he's into bits you know me because he thinks this is SNL and he goes I'm what do you say I want to do what I said I was gonna shave a mustache for Eric Griffin is any bit that we can do on the program I'm like what the fuck are you doing let's fucking

talk fucking talk you fucking right at a freak I wanted to do a mustache for Eric Griffin yeah it didn't work whatever you're doing looks good I know but it was silly it is silly that's an hour in the fucking bathroom doing a bit that didn't work seven minutes I spent in there to shave my face while you had George on the phone with the fucking Wayans brothers all right so here's I want to talk about that yeah yeah I want to talk about that yeah so can I finish my sentimental thing but good I might laugh you can all right go ahead finish it someone in my family's not doing well they might be dying are

you gonna laugh are you laughing at a dead family member I might love your family I'm not start from the top let's do this let's do this okay honestly honestly because I want to know if you're really sincere I am all right so if you're gonna do this little fucking monologue okay right you cannot be fucking smirking hard I won't regardless of what I'm doing okay fine here right so it's like if any once you start smirking I'm gonna end it and you don't get the fucking talent fine all right so here we go and I'm gonna do in a little setup all right okay ladies and gentlemen and a message from sir well

don't fuck it up off the jump okay ladies and gentlemen a heartfelt message from sir Andrew Santino hi America fuck it the trial try to get try to get that was the first yeah I'll let you go I'll let you right ladies and gentlemen mm-hmm a heartfelt message from sir Andrew Santino just keep on the Chinese put us in a bad position recently what happened your family nothing someone's not doing well she just call and text your family it matters what's going on with her and to the rope I don't know not feeling good not doing good do you have corona no okay I'm sorry she's old I'm sorry she's old and it just made me

check in more mentally I was like oh you should check in more with your family if not if we take nothing from this shitty virus it's that we should try to care about people somebody had a great phrase to me somebody said this is this during the time of this virus we'll find out who cares about their backyard as much as people care about their front yard that's a I don't really understand that explain it to me it means are you gonna are you gonna try to contribute and care about other humans are you only gonna care about yourself what has it what's the backyard your backyard means because you connect with neighbors like

do you care about those around you and in your community do you care it's a metaphor for saying like are you gonna use it's not it's a metaphor are you gonna use my specific backyard yeah you don't have one you don't have one it's fenced okay but above beyond the fence there's other people all right so to say beyond beyond the backyard we're gonna find out during this virus whether you care about people whether you care about your community don't ever use that reference again just say whatever you say the phrase made perfect didn't you get the fucking phrase it's a metaphor saying do you care about your community

or you just care about your house it's like cleaning my side of the street when they say that's an same exact thing yeah do you only care about cleaning your side of the street there we go then that this okay I understand that one cuz you you do don't you you only sweep your side of the street are you fucking out of your mind go away we're crows you know it's so funny there's a there's a bet to see that if we'll if we'll keep the show going they said we'll see how long this lasts with these two fucking good oh no this is are you out of your fucking mind when you when you're on lockdown for three days and I fucking hate this

piece of shit thank you for three fucking days I was like I can't wait for Wednesday I can't wait for Wednesday to see this redhead or free I can't you know I mean if I could I would kiss him you know I mean I'd kiss you yeah but I was this is what this is my whole life now yeah is doing these well it's this entouring for me is that and so now we can't tour that's it do you want do you want to bring a little bit of light into this episode I love light okay so last week we had Andres Rosende do the news which which we loved we loved it a lot of the fans enjoyed it a lot I want Andres to do to do a little bit his stand

up do you want to do your stand-up bit Andres is gonna do stand-up for us okay good I love it are you excited all right we'll be right back hey everybody hope you're having a great time I'm Mitch I'm the host of the show and welcome to the chuckle fuck factory here in Wisconsin try the chicken wings yeah you know they're new on the menu anyway man that guy fell off the cliff of the Azuzu Falls here it is like you know I mean like anyway that bit's not working but anyway we are our next comic he does clubs and colleges all over the country he's been on BET's comic view he's also been on something on Nickelodeon

I don't know but anyway he's really he's from some Spain you know he's a fancy he's a fancy B anyway it's his first time on stage I don't know he seems like a funny guy my name is Mitch by the way how about a round of applause for Andres could charge us go round of applause for me thank you Mitch it's so great to be here is everybody celebrating anything all right well you know Tom Brady announced that he might be playing in Tampa Bay Florida next season seems like a lateral move to me since like Florida is basically the New England of the south racism meth dunking donuts thank you a sex dog company taboo announced a

new line of vibrators with the removable batteries finally I'm not gonna have those embarrassing moments at TSA and you guys know some grocery stores are offering elderly hours for our elderly shoppers putting all those gills in one spot it's gonna be like fishing with a gun in a barrel for me and you know Daniel Radcliffe aka Harry Potter admitted he was drunk during the filming of Harry Potter and the deadly hollows I get it I would be blackout too if I found Hermione was going in going out with a ginger those are gross on risk with a spoon open Lily to vanity first saying bad things happen to her as a teen in

in Hollywood we know we saw election okay that was a hit at home Nevada is officially closing every casino in the Vegas strip this will cripple the tourism industry and really her professional gamblers like Nick Papa Giorgio Google Arts partner with more than 2,500 museums to offer built virtual tours online you now can go to the Louvre in Paris there's Smithsonian's in DC or you can finally dive into that anime porn you've been having an ion during an interview with the New Yorker singer Fiona Apple said she quit cocaine after an excursiating night with Quentin Tarantino and Paul

Thomas Anderson I for one I'm shocked Quentin Tarantino that's cocaine paleontologists have discovered the wonder chicken and it's 67 million years old but you know what I bet it still tastes like chicken for more company shut down all a North American production during this pandemic well looks like the very one and Marvel is postponing the release of its new superhero movie black widow of course I bet if it was white widow they would have put it on I never really got monologues either like when I watch Carson as a kid like I loved when the guests were there yeah I like it when he failed that

was good and he would do a golf so I get that when you go two more guys were rested and the east side I was for carrying drugs should have called them I never understood it yeah but I think that's just not that's not the kind of comedy that you and I loved anyway was late night stuff never made me I always love the interviews like Letterman I only like the interviews I would I would skip the monologue and just wait till he because he was so fucking what was the first comic where you went as a kid you went oh I like this I think the first comic that made me laugh hard was Eddie Murphy like like actually laugh like

delirious was so low laugh he was just so physical like I'd never seen that kind of you know what I mean right he also had this like rock starry kind of thing he was a god yeah it never I'd never seen anything like it and the first guy to make me like think think about comedy yeah was Carlin like when I heard some of his stuff I was like wow you can be funny and have kind of a point you know have a point but yeah for me was kinesin yeah really yeah because Sam kinesin had a visceral kind of quality to him yeah it was like emotion and real pure it just had never seen comedy you know I never you know he didn't do your

standard like set up he was so far so to me as I remember watching it that first young comedian specials with Rodney Dangerfield Don Marrero was on it at the store right no I don't know if it was at the comedy store but no no no at the improv I think it was at the improv yeah it was just to me just eye-opening because you get to see just different styles that never seen right and people swearing and talking about sex in a way that I didn't think you could even say yeah it was just really you know I think I never got to meet him but although when I who kinesin kinesin but because Paulie shore toured with kinesin Paulie

when I was young I was maybe 24 years old or 25 years old he goes I'm gonna we're gonna do the same tour that Sam took me on and so we did the same exact cities wow that he did with Sam and then at the end of the tour Paulie took me to kinesin's graveside and not only that but Carla bow who was who held Sam kinesin's body while he was when he was dying on that freeway in Nevada Carla bow became a very good friend of mine I fixed his teeth because this is when I was starting to make money and he had a toothache and I and I took him to the dentist that's really yeah because but I only I mean I think in retrospect I

only did that because I had such a upset not obsession but he was just such a big role model for me and then here's what's the greatest the greatest thing that I ever got from is there was a Sam kinesin had a couple of sisters that used to live with him he wasn't fucking them he was there's just girls and one of the girls I wouldn't have thought he was fucking his sisters no not his own sisters they there's two sisters that weren't related I thought you're like you live with the sisters and he's not fucking but one of them used to hang out the store a lot and she knew my obsession with kinesin and she came to

my house to the club and she got she she had a plastic bag and it was a Sam kinesin shirt that he used to wear on stage that was never washed because you could smell the salt on it yeah right and I still have that fucking shirt you need to frame it I will frame it yeah but um that's so incredible yeah so I've always had a respect for that's why I hate disrespect for like the the older generation yeah I have such respect for the older generation for people that did it before us yeah yeah I'm even the ones that weren't even that good I'm honest like guys I don't even well because they just they were they were

like leaders I this is this is a fun story I'll give you this I don't think I've ever told this one this I was in I was writing like bad sketch jokes my like first year in LA with with a friend of mine at the coffee bean I don't even think it's there anymore across from the mall and it's late and they're about to close down and in walks Norm McDonald and the girl says to me who I'm writing with this girl that I worked with at a production company she says to me she goes oh yeah you know who that is right I go holy shit and she goes that's the Bob Dole guy I go the Bob Dole guy I would rip her eyes out I mean

I was like it's fucking Norm McDonald yeah no I know I forgot his name I was like so we sit there and I'm kind of fanboying out and I'm on I'm just kind of you know like not trying to face him and he's ordering coffee and I keep kind of looking over just to like because you just want to get a glimpse because when you're up 22 I just moved to LA I was like fuck holy shit's Norma down he he come he he comes there where the coffee is he looks over she's a pretty girl okay and obviously doesn't see me at all doesn't know I exist and he's kind of trying to talk her up a little bit he's like hey what are you guys what are you

guys doing and she goes oh we're we're writing sketches and he goes yeah I know a thing or two about sketches and both of us were like yeah no we know like and I started some I'm like no you know and he goes okay well I'm gonna I'm gonna go next door I'm gonna get a Steinbeck novel Barnes and Noble these to be Barnes and Noble he goes yeah I'm gonna get Steinbeck novel I'm laughing thinking he's just making jokes and he goes I'll be back okay I'll be back and he walks out and I'm like whoa how fucking cool was that hand to God he comes back in with a Steinbeck novel and sits down by us and just starts talking oh my god

I swear am I like oh my god started a norm engine and he just wanted to talk so he just started talking and talking and talking and telling stories and I shouldn't tell it like I don't want to fuck it up but the best story he told I said what was your most like secret fun thing that happened at SNL that like you know like what was some inside shit and he goes ah Smigel and I Robert Smigel if you don't know who Robert Smigel is he's triumph the insult comic dog he's the voice in the genius behind that Smigel is a fucking phenomenal genius writer and comedian he goes Smigel and I where we used to write sketches for Tracy is we

knew Tracy Morgan we knew Tracy he was bad in table reads you couldn't read for shit you know he's a fucking stumble through words you know so we were one time we wrote this sketch that we knew was gonna tank Lauren hated it and we showed it to Tracy anyway because we knew he had trouble reading yet someone helping him read he had bad time with S's so we wrote this sketch about this guy he's like a gay animal handler named Brian Fellows do you remember that sketch Brian Fellows and he goes if you look the best part for us was it was Brian Fellows apostrophe S Safari planet it was three S's in a row is the sketch that

we pitched so in the room even though the sketch was bad we knew Tracy would go a Brian Fellows this is Brian Fellows this is Safari planet and we knew he would crush in a room he goes and everybody lost it the sketch he was like the sketch was terrible yeah Tracy we go that Brian Fellows this is a Safari planet yeah and Norm and Norm goes and he goes as a funniest thing we used to fuck with Tracy all the time and dude I was like my heart was filled with comedy warms this is the most wild part again I don't believe that this happened I'm I to myself I'm going this is a lie you're making this up right but

she's my proof we walk out when they finally close the doors after they're like mr. McDonald you can stay you know they fucking the coffee bean kids are sitting just listening we all walk outside and he starts taking off kind of headed north on La Cienega and as a joke my friend goes do you want to ride are you walking and he goes no no no I don't want to get in the car with you and we start laughing and he goes okay shotgun and he comes and runs sits in the front seat no I swear to God in my life oh my god her car I'm sitting in the backseat and he's showing us where to go and we drop him off at his house and you know

at this complex and he gets out and he kind of opens a door and we haven't set we didn't say anything the whole car ride right we just listen to him going left here right here and he gets out and he turns and looks in the car and all he said he just goes good luck or whatever that was my Norm McDonald moment in comedy but he was because he was one of those guys that I was like when he did weekend update I thought I was like that's the funniest guy to read he was the best at that yeah because I don't I don't find it funny he was the only person that I found funny in that position he didn't care the jokes the

jokes were him making a joke about the about the right that's how funny it was yeah and after I saw him do that I was I thought that's the guy that can write jokes better than anybody that I I didn't know anyone that can write a joke like that where it's like it's really clever it's funny but he throws it in the trash you know I mean he wrote it he's like yeah and throws it away can I tell you what happened to me where they fuck with me at Matt TV yeah so back in the day we on a month we would do a table reads on a Tuesday but on a Monday night they would they would send they had a guide that drive to everyone's house and

drive and drop off the fucking script oh yeah right yeah yeah yeah yeah back in the PA right so he would go to like 15 people's houses right oh but so there's a young girl named Katie Dippold you know Katie right she wrote Bridesmaids bridesmaids yeah yeah but Katie was a writer at Matt TV and right Katie this was the last table read we did because it's the show was cancelled so she decided to do a trick so what she did was she wrote a sketch with Nicole Parker and Krista Flanagan right and I think Johnny Sanchez was also in the sketch and so everyone got theirs it's only those three but in my packet I was in

the sketch right but no one was else's no one knows that I'm in the sketch right right but in my packet in the sketch I'm just I don't know why I'm there my characters in there but basically I'm going between their dialogue in mine I'm saying I'm losing it you know and then they would do a couple of lines I'm snapping right right everyone in this room's gonna die soon right and at the end of the sketch it's me going like it's a do-bird noises you know and then they'd act like a dinosaur like in the midst of them doing the dialogue so the network the producers no one knew Katie did it inside just her Kate only Katie

knew oh my god right so the sketch is bombing of course right people are backing up from their seats right because I'm saying crazy shit right everyone's gonna die right right and you all I could see is Katie her face red with tears just right losing it right so at the end of the set a sketch the room is completely silent and I just kind of out yeah I fucked it up huh good I knew that that my care I was like you're not getting laughs right right and I should I'm an idiot that I should have a question like why is this guy here yeah what is it yeah and Katie let 15 seconds pass beautiful right and then she

goes she stood up and goes Bobby has a different sketch there and then everyone starts laughing and they have it on tape right but it was I was so furious you were mad at first yeah yeah but then you really it's a good joke it's insane that's a fun joke a fun joke but crazy yeah but when things are canceled like that you have to kind of feel you have to kind of let stuff go because you're like well we're fucked yeah do we're when when when me and Griff knew I'm dying up here was just kind of like a dead-end thing it was not gonna come back yeah all we did was fuck around yeah what can you do I know you feel it the

crew is like you can hear the crew being like you know like gaffin something to be like yeah no this piece of shit ain't coming back now they don't give a fuck they don't give a fuck you're a fucking loser actor they're working men and women you are a fucking play person yeah real people with real job so they're from they're the first people to go yeah this thing I fucking could fuck that we got another gig in Temecula so but fucking with Griff was what that was one of my favorite things to do on that show yeah and this happened in the fucking beginning is I told a bunch of people to like stand by my stand by me

because I told Griff that I got a call from my agent saying that he's gonna die after the first season and I had him in a fucking sheer dude everybody was like I thought you knew like we thought it was like no swear to God you can ask him so he called his fucking agent no they don't kill me in this first they don't kill me you didn't tell me that yeah yeah all I did was fuck with griff we had a this was my favorite thing this was another favorite thing everybody that knows griff knows griff griff you know griff's a hungry hungry hippo he likes to eat and he's my boy we would have meals together all the time we got a special

truck for one of the photo shoots somebody ordered one of the production orders like a sometimes you get a special meal truck instead of the normal catering meal and it's always like so good and everyone's excited because it's not the normal shit that you're always getting and we're taking pictures the photographer is like she's like Santino and then Ari and then Jake and griff's like he's looking outside because the truck now people are starting to go eat yeah and he's like ah we go put let me get mine first let me get mine out the way and the photographer is in on it with me because I've told them make him

go dead last yeah yeah and the photographer is like okay okay and you could tell the dude he was nervous cuz he was like fuck I don't want to get in trouble yeah I go just do what you say you're gonna do my he goes okay man yeah but y'all can't switch with me and everyone's like no I don't want to switch I want to fucking just do my photos and he's getting nervous he sees two more people the crew is going up to the truck now all the actor now all the background is going up to the truck yeah people are oh my tacos oh my god yeah I run up to the truck and I go hey just just just say that you're out of chicken

shrimp and beef so all you have is vegetarian left yo I have it on video I have it on my phone I have it on video yeah so griff takes his picture griff takes his pictures and he goes up to the truck and I'm hiding like a fucking I'm like 15 cars away I'm like in the parking lot and I'm hiding with my iPhone yeah and I can you can see him kind of saunter up to the truck and you see him go to the window like this and I swear to God he just goes he goes no and he turns and he goes they have the shrimp they have the shrimp out the chicken they have the beef too we're dying we're all eating tacos died and then finally the

truck guy he walks away mad he's pissed he storms away mad in the truck I comes out he's like hey man what are you just kidding we just kidding we know we have shrimp for you know what he was a joke from your friend and griff is like man messing with him was the only fun thing in the lieu of what was happening right we had to have fun I was so nervous of like this sadness keep piling up cuz you're I remember though when you guys were on that show and yeah the first of all you were contractually obligated right so you couldn't do anything else yeah you're seeing how many episodes like you would have to do like a small

number right now we did ten but that they were out there hour long episodes so our shoot schedule took like twice as long as a normal TV show right it and also ours was a period show so things had to be dressed like the 70s so when we would shoot on location it dude it was forever it would take forever it's so funny because we shut down dude we shut down Fairfax Boulevard from Beverly to Melrose Wow in the middle of the city Wow it was in it was chaos it was insane I remember when Eric Griffin and I got a call saying that Jim Carrey what is doing showcases at the store yeah and I remember I got on the showcase right

and I go is everyone in the room right so everyone's in the room yeah I fucking destroyed yeah but in my mind I'm like oh my gonna fucking play yeah there was why am I on this who's the first Asian comedian that was famous back then was there any famous Asian Johnny Yoon but Johnny Yoon wasn't until the 80s yeah yeah so not the 70s yeah yeah but then I go I know that the bar staff were all Asian they were I know yeah or black or on the show they're black too oh they are yeah I couldn't get it that part no they got to give it to black guys so there were no Thai people there was a Thai guy in the kitchen who got that the

Thai guy that works at the store are you being real no that was his heart no seriously that it was it was it was young black dudes that bartended apparently that was like part of the rhetoric no because back then I because I know that Mitzi and Pauly had an obsession with so Kirk that it was all a Thai staff yeah in the 70s yeah so I guess there was no part for me yeah but I mean you you know can we go back to the girl though they didn't know Norma doll what she said so you were the girl yeah and she was a piece she worked as a PA with me PA and she she goes what she say about Nora she goes that she no she said that's that's

Bob Dole let's go all from the from SNL when he did the sketch and Bob Dole yeah yeah I do you does it annoy you when young people don't know certain things well it she first of all she's a year older than me it annoys me when somebody in the comedy world yeah this is a comedy thing that I think is obvious yeah because I'm like how do you not know who that is because that's like a hero of ours I had a Tinder date once before Kalilah yeah and so we're driving to a restaurant and Space Oddity is playing on the radio oh yeah what do you mean oh right David Bowie yeah and she goes oh I love this song Major Tom from

Ziggy Stardust and I just I wanted to pull over I wanted to pull over the side of the road and go okay you can get the fuck out get out your meal is right here I don't know why but when people do shit like that I start losing my mind because does it make you feel older is that why cuz you're like I just think that if you love it if you're gonna say out loud I love this right because you know what the fuck you know I mean don't make a grand you know I love this yeah but it's wrong people do that all but see I do that for fun I think that's funny sometimes I'll do that sometimes like if it's um if it's like a Rod Stewart song

right sometimes like if I'm out in public at the bar if I'm waiting for a drink I'll go fucking love Paul Simon just to see the guy next to me go yeah Paul Simon yeah it makes it I like doing that you know what I do if like thriller or something's playing on the radio like in a restaurant or something I always go who sings this and then I like they go you really yeah I've heard it before who sings it because I don't want to shizana yeah I can't I don't want to and then they go they go Michael Jackson Michael Jackson Michael the baseball player yeah yeah I always do that yeah it's so there was a there was a

friend of a friend who went on a date with a girl who said and I don't know if this is a bad joke if she was kid if she was joking around but DeRolling Stone's Beast of Burden I'll never be your beast of her she thought it said I'll never be your pizza burner I swear that's what he said yeah I'll never be your pizza burner yeah which if you listen to it I'll never be your pizza burner yeah kind of sounds like it Koreans right when the Beatles were big that let it be right wait wait let me guess what they thought the song no you're not gonna get a big they better be met a G met a G which is

anchovy so my mom would sing if the letter P was she go met a G met a G it's not what the fuck it's not why would they write a song about anchovies mom because they're good they are very good they're very good they are very good met a G means anchovy and in in Korean met a G by the way I saw I saw the Japanese there is a Japanese sensation of a Beatles cover band in when I was in Tokyo in Roppongi in like those recently right yeah couple years ago two years ago in the red light district by yourself no you brought your wife she was with me and so what you know who's there Aristotle

if they're you know Aristotle I love Aristotle he was in town they were shooting something and actually one of the guys this is even more fun of a story I don't know if I've told this before but that he was in town I did tell you this I told you that I don't know if it was on this show but he but he this guy was in town this guy this cameraman and we're fucking shit-faced at this underground nightclub like for teenagers we're way we're like we're the oldest by a landslide and he had they have like two days in Japan he's drinking double fist and he's chugging he's kind of a portly Midwest guy and he's

sweating dripping with sweat and the music is you know and he's bouncing up and down and Aristotle goes up to him yeah and he looks he dude in his face his eyes he looked happier than you've ever seen a human in your entire life Aristotle no no no this man this guy this guy and Stato goes hey man how you doing like checking in on him yeah and the guy goes like this he goes I really miss my kids blacked out of his fucking mind oh really so funny yeah no but I we went to go see um the Japanese the famous Japanese Beatles yeah wow they were and I'm not

kidding like the real thing they were better than they were better than the real thing we've never seen the real thing you fuck face I don't care I saw them there in Japan yeah these motherfuckers were phenomenal yeah and I was thinking I was gonna get some they were gonna get like phonetics correct but some of no they what the fuck was that you want to ruin the flow are you out of your fucking mind yeah yeah do directors do that when they're shooting why did you do that it was blocking my face was it blocking his face yeah I was blocking your face sir but don't talk fuck you don't talk fuck

all right what are you talking for get on dress is riding high off that stand upset yeah you know I think Asians are the only race that where people are allowed because Paulie sure right every time I'm around him he sings out loud at the spa we'll walk into the Korean spa and he'll just acapella Chinese people are the best people in the world right and Koreans are just washing themselves and they ignore him just washing right he keeps going he'll touch their heads Chinese people and just create you know and they'll just they let him do it yeah they let him do it yeah but we it's time it's time that we say shit like that's

not stop it fucking okay yeah well why don't you say something to Paulie you're with him I keep pulling him aside good hey I know this has been 25 years you've been doing this every day for 25 literally yeah 25 years yeah right every fucking day it's enough and I go you for 25 years you know that I'm Korean I know buddy Chinese people and it'll just keep doing it and it's like I love him and I let him do it I do love it he's like a brother to me you know I love Paulie so much but it's like it's you know it's time for us as a people you know I mean you know it's just you know we have to be more woke yeah so I was

doing sometimes when I was in doing Harold and Kumar 3 we're shooting in Michigan really yeah why Michigan because back then I guess they had tax tax breaks yeah so remember John his trailer was farther away because he's the number one on the call sheet right so he was shooting more closer to my trailer so he goes you do kind of use your bathroom I go yeah go John so John uses my bathroom but at the same time I had ten minutes before that asked for some Advil because I had a headache so the medical guy he didn't know John was in my trailer and that had I was smoking you know by the little steps there

sure and he comes around the corner of the medical guy and he goes history is a white guy history right and John flies out of the fucking trailer go what the fuck man what's up with the accent he's a joke you know I just do it from my Asian friends I have a lot of Asian friends you know how they try to cover it up yeah it's like if you ever do that accent again you're not gonna be working in this movie oh damn and he walks away he was the medic is that okay the medic and the medic blushed and I went you can do it yeah but I realize I go it's not okay yeah no you know but people still feel like we the reason why is because

we don't say shit but but here's the thing it's only okay if there's a pre-established relationship right yeah like I was talking to someone about this they were asking me why is it okay an older gentleman why is it okay for the for black people to say the n-word and I had this a long-winded conversation I was like because it's taking away power from a word that whites used to use to denigrate black people right he's like yeah but doesn't that perpetuate the negativity putting it out there I said not when you own the word mm so it's only okay contextually if you've made it okay mm so like if you

fucking joke with me and we make it okay mm it but it has to be a predetermined thing yeah and there's no rules there's no like it's just a thing that you must know yeah it's it's funny black people black people will call me the n-word sometimes yeah and I don't even know how to feel yeah like I'm like I have to go I'm going with it I can't say it back but I also like don't I don't know how to react to it sometimes yeah so I call the cops on them yeah it's it's good it's cool no you didn't I believed you for I know no that's insane that's how I know I know but truthfully I do have black friends that say the call

me the n-word or they'll say it in conversation yeah yeah and it's a part of the flow yeah but it's interesting to see when other people see them say it to me yeah and they're like why did he why does he have it it's funny how sensitive would be coming because it's like you know I'm on a game show coming out what is it called which one game on it's it's coming out it's on CBS game on on CBS and it's Tuesday nights 8 p.m. featuring Bob Lee it's you know me Rob Gronkowski Venus William oh I saw the preview yeah did you really I did yeah there's a preview online was I in the preview no I wasn't no wow wrong it was

it was a wrong thing it was a wrong thing it was just him okay good but anyway I'm on it and I'm on his team it's just me and Gronkowski versus Ian Carmel and Venus William oh it showed Ian and William sister but it and then it just showed Gronk by himself it's fine I know what you're trying to do in the ad it literally said Rob Gronkowski versus Venus and Ian Carmel but that's fine huh it said one-man show versus a two-person so when I was on the show yeah so they you know when they game on yeah when they hired me they're like you know we want you to do what you do on Tiger Valley and your podcasting right and then

I and I go okay oh my god I fucking shame me here no I just want to see the I want to see the imagery and we just go ahead you they would they ask you what you want to do on the no so so what they they they they want you know you know we we like you're you know what you do on podcast so I go in my heart I'm like okay good this is I'm just gonna do my thing yeah just fuck around so remember do we're shooting we do a panel Keegan's on it and they're doing a panel and they mentioned you know they put an athlete on you know on the screen and they go what are the things that this person would love to do and one of them was

Renaissance fair the other one was barbecues and everyone and I was saying it's not Renaissance fairs because black people don't go to Renaissance fairs right there ain't no fucking black hobbits no right something like that right I remember cut cut I hear cut cut cut cut and people just producers coming down surrounding me you can't you can't say that you can't make a joke and I go I just said that black people don't go to Renaissance fair they don't I know by point though is is that but that's what where we're at yeah comedy wise what was Keegan there yeah did he laugh no one laughed Keegan didn't act as if I said

the n-word did you followed up with the n-word wait but Keegan did you say the Keegan where you like did you were you offended by that yeah another joke was at my mustache and Ian goes you look like Freddie Mercury right I go sick Freddie Mercury you know what I'm saying is is that he doesn't even know my point is is that it's fun because on this yeah when we're on here we I don't know what it is is that are we not up to the times or are we being too sensitive is the world being too sensitive is what the question okay well I'll answer it to the best of my ability yeah what we do here because I call him fancy beiner and now

yeah if I said that on any TV show you're in your fuck I'm canceled but here's the deal this is a comedy podcast the whole point of this is to have the freedom to joke around I mean none of this this is fucking ridiculous this is fucking the whole thing is fucking insane so it's like I got there's an understanding that this is chaos and stupid and goofy and 99% of what we say is probably a joke or fake or just us fucking around yeah this isn't a sentimental heart-to-heart podcast matter though we are saying that are woke no but no no in fact I think they're probably more woke because we're we're

breaking down the barriers of how annoying it is to be so questioning everything unless it's detrimental for somebody right nothing on the show is gonna be detrimental for somebody yeah it's all for fun there's actually to break away from how nonsense it is to be over over parenting what we do and what we say yeah look there was a guy on Twitter I posted the other day Ariana no which one is it Vanessa Hudgens put up a video of her being like she go on my Twitter she's like yeah it's like the virus is gonna kill people but like that's inevitable or inevitable whatever it's gonna happen but like I like I

respect the virus but it's like what are you gonna do you know and she's like flippant about it right right all I did was retweet it and I wrote V Hodge will lead us into salvation just Joe this is the voice you know just like fucking around by the way I'm not even criticizing her I don't care I think it's funny she's canceled no she's fine well she released a statement last night saying oh my god I'm so sorry about being insensitive that's my problem she can't make a flippant statement without having to apologize she didn't even say anything bad that bad yeah last week Andre said that gays Jews blacks are

gonna get the virus and and he won't remember that he said yeah yeah and he's not he's fine we just know in this world yeah our fans have an agreement with us or new viewers that this is fucking it's a joke this is all fucking it's bullshit yeah this guy says this guy tweets him of all the people that like the tweet and a lot of people then take it and they're like stupid bitch and it's like well that wasn't my intention I was just think I thought it was funny that she was just flippant about a virus right yeah I didn't call her any names some guy writes me and goes way to way to go buddy mocking mocking someone's

that at our moment when all it's clickbait all you're gonna do is gain a couple of followers from it congratulations and I wrote back to him hey buddy I'm a comedian this is Twitter that and gaining some followers off of something I tweet is exactly what we're doing here what the fuck do you think we're doing here Twitter is a I go none of this matters Twitter is fake this isn't CNN this isn't a news source so that's my point is like we know bad friends fans know this is all for fun we're gonna be fine it's all for fun no I the reason why I do Tiger Belly in this mm-hmm is because I'm tired of like

waiting in line and then saying things that people tell me to say and then then conforming to what people want me to conform to totally originally I did this just so that I could just say whatever the fuck I want to we do that's so that's half of the fun I know but my point though is is that there are times where I lay in bed and I go you know is it is Andrew and I prehistoric are we saying things we shouldn't yeah I'll have we not changed our thinking where do you want to what do you want to change well I want to be able to get to the point where I look at Andre as I don't call him fancy beiner but it's so fun

it's so real though he is a fancy beiner that's the thing that I can't get my head okay so I would argue the language that kind of language yeah and he knows it's ingest he's our friend he's laughing he's laughing like a lot of fucking fancy beiner right yeah I think I think knowing that there is nothing but love and friendship in this room yeah context is endearing is the only way we can move forward with language knowing that none of that is none of that is intently meant to be mean right yeah yeah the guy that that was a mystery mystery with the medic he doesn't have that relationship with John so he can't do

that shit right everything either did I but you you could have been like hey don't say that shit I don't like that shit you're not my friend yeah and and getting rid of that as a whole of a white guy going oh if if you wanted to get rid of it as a whole then you should say I don't want to hear it anymore it's not fun anymore I don't want you know what yeah you doing Asian access dude yeah go ahead hurts my feelings okay and I don't want you to do it anymore you hooded here for that's why it's funny yeah because none of it is none of there's no negative intent I really meant that but it's okay yeah yeah yeah

can't slander us there's no negative intent I think that's them that's the purpose the problem is yeah it's like I said it's a fucking vague line why is it that when we shit on each other it's we know it's love and then when the medic says something like you know demeaning it's more serious there there's an unwritten rule of friendship and relationships that you don't that will never be able to explain yeah it's like if I was a medic and the guy was red headed and I said here you're at bill and here's lucky yeah I mean like I wouldn't do that if I didn't know the person but if you know them it's funny

it's funny if I know them but it's like the medic doesn't know me yeah that's weird crazy about it well but you like it isn't in his in his head it thinks it's okay because you sometimes perpetuate it maybe you bring it on or say it's okay or you encourage it right okay so if you say be more woke then you would need to be more vocal about things you don't like when people do it yeah I'm not gonna stop with you I don't want you to stop that's what I'm saying yeah yeah but I know that that's a thing that exists yeah Andreas the if he doesn't like you calling him a fancy B yeah if he didn't like it Andreas when

I call you a fancy be yeah does that offend you no do you think it's funny or you think this is annoying I think it's funny it's an annoying though no there we go and here's the thing we pay him so we can say whatever we want to he's ours we own him yeah that's a power play yeah you're our employee and we own you you understand yeah say yes yes sirs yes it's so terrible here's another but if you but if you were annoyed you'd he'd probably say something yeah but this is a relationship of a comedy show that's the whole point I know what you mean you want to be more woke no I don't you said sometimes you lay out I

think to myself why is it that I find certain things humorous that you know these that millennials wouldn't okay let me stop you right there right this is this is there's there's two parts of this that I I think what you just said why do I find it funny why do you find it funny that making fun of our differences that when you make fun of my stupid ugly red face and you make fun of him and we make fun why is it that we find that funny because it's comforting because we know that's the thing we share it's like I make fun of you you make fun of me you make fun of George George really we always just make

fun of George he doesn't make fun of anybody but that's just that's a relationship that exists so I'm saying you find it funny because it's inherently funny to tease each other about think differences I think that that's differences make us like that since the dawn of time no shit of course right of course yeah of course yeah there is an unhealthy version and there's a healthy version in my opinion us fucking around in here healthy we're in a fucking this is our this is our vacuum this is what we love on the outside if you want to be more woke yeah that's social awareness but that's just that's

a balance that we'll learn over time right like you know how when you see okay when you're out in public and and when you see when you're when you're in the corner store and a black eye walks into the corner store yeah you know how you usually go run and you leave you can't do that anymore all right right you know it's but language is delicate and it's all contextual that's what I'll say yeah you know what you know what I hate to one time I was walking down the street I was in Cleveland I was going to Hilarity or something okay and I I was going from the club to you know it's not that far from the club to the hotel

right so I was walking and I was like do I have my key right so I always put my key in my right back pocket do I have my key as soon as I did this I was walking by a black person because I'm not gonna steal your wallet motherfucker and I was and I and I walked by I was looking for a key I didn't say that out loud but it looks like you were protecting your wallet it looks like I was no I was just like at the same time he's like I'm not gonna you're right yeah he's like I'm gonna steal your shit right my wallet happened to be back there but you know another instance I was in DC what did you but what did you say back to him

nothing I just let him pass and I was just like angry that I'm like dude I don't think that fucker you should have said him he goes yeah but I don't we also I always feel like if I get in a confrontation with somebody it's gonna exceed to a here let's do let's play it out you say to me you say to me yeah this is how it should have gone you say to me I'm not gonna see your what we'll walk you're the black I am you ready I'm not gonna steal your wallet motherfucker well it's happened before that's not what you say another thing is I was in DC I was at a hot dog in that place that Bill Cosby loves a hot dog place in DC

Bill Cosby I hate hot dogs but I love Bill Cosby yeah yeah and I was at that hot dog place and I was walking out of there and I was like in the way of a black man and I go and and I I go excuse me brother he knew you said I'm not your brother hmm right I'm like yeah I'm not say I was black or not that I was just like you know I know we're not little brothers but you're a fellow human being like I didn't say that I just kind of went you know I mean yeah you felt like you did you said you said the wrong you met brother is a term of endearment right all right so you know people are so overly even strangers are

so overly just sensitive and yeah but it depends on your approach and it depends on their mood right yeah I shouldn't take it personally because I don't know their life experiences I have no idea I've never walked in their shoes I have no idea right you know where they're coming at well you probably have nicer shoes than them that's the other side I have $800 pair of golden goose but let's play out the scene that you said I'm not your brother let's see how this should have gone so I'm the black eye again yeah and I'm you ready here we go all right oh excuse me brother I didn't mean to get not your brother motherfucker thank

God my brother successful and smart and not trash like you that's what you should have said no but you know what though by the way you doing the bad black voice is bad that that's that I just did that's my point though if you want to know no no no fuck you because fuck you because hey wait a minute I'm just saying you want to be more woke then you have to do his voice can't be like I'm not your brother motherfucker I was a literal that was a literal impression of the person that I'm impersonating everybody whether they're black or white let's do that you want me to do this so you you do you be me

again okay and no you be you and then I'll be the black guy no I'll show you how I'll show you how you should have said it if you were the black guy here's how here's how you want to get the laugh here okay good yeah here's what the black I should have sounded like alright so um excuse me brother I'm not your brother oh I should have done it like that yeah just regular voice yeah you were like I'm not your brother motherfucker like it was a 70s a fucking can we can we do one thing that's super racist just go cut it out leave it in no we'll cut it out so you this is how I wanted to say it okay so I'll do let's do the

black guy I'm the black guy yeah so I go excuse me brother I'm not your brother mother fuck my brother just texted me so I want to promote speaking of real brothers speaking of real brothers yeah Stevie we be Bob's brother has a new album has a new EP that just came out yeah he's he's uh it's called oh to my pops oh to my pops he sent it to me his his hip-hop name is kwang-woo which is his Korean name that's his that's his so that's I was gonna say I was like what is that kwang-woo you a n g o u kwang-woo kwang-woo it's called oh to my pops EP cuz my dad died in August yeah he wrote an EP and it's really good I've

listened to it I love it it's on Stevie we be bandcamp.com yeah we'll put up the link in the description go to Stevie we be bandcamp.com but my brother been working hard on it and Eric Griffin loves it I love it yeah love it and keep this shit I think yeah he's a talented young man can you plug in my phone my phone is on bluetooth I just got this text hey you guys my phone is on bluetooth I want to see if I can here's here's a text right here all right you know who Michael Rosenbaum is yeah I love him I don't think you do because why he goes hey gorgeous can you get Andrew Santino on my pod nobody is doing shit he's got

time love ya we all have time we're all dying so Michael Rosen he texted him and I already texted about it I just can't get a schedule on between doing mine and this one well you have you're on quarantine you have every day free just happened Bob you have every day free don't fuck my with my friend man he's Lex Luthor brah he he wanted to schedule this before the quarantine when I was on the road this you're getting a text today now that we're in quarantine yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna call him right here Bobby hey Michael so Andrew Santino I'm next to him right now and he goes I go

can you do his podcast and Andrew Santino literally this is literally the fuck that guy yeah that's why I said so I don't know what that means Rosie Rosie I actually said I said I said I don't like anybody that associates with you Bobby so fuck that guy I don't like him at all I don't like the way it looks well he basically said he has all the time in the world so he'll schedule okay basically yeah yeah baby I asked Bobby what is what is his dad's Korean name was and he said something like something I go what's my what's my Korean name you said suck dick you all right Michael he'll call you and to

reschedule okay suck dick you suck dick you all right bye all right love you both just two seconds this I want to play this two seconds this is your brother ready so dope I like it that's I know I do I do like it a lot he sent it to me and I enjoyed I don't know how much of it we can play without fucking itunes or somebody getting well I gotta go back to the quarantine so I think we should end it okay mm-hmm all right looking at the camera and end it thank you for being a bad friend thank you for being a bad friend