Bad Friends - I Love Titanic and I Love to Bowl

Episode Date: March 9, 2020

Bad Friends is a comedy podcast with hosts Bobby Lee & Andrew Santino. In this episode we do a scene reading from Titanic, take on the social cause of the Poway High School Hall of Fame, use the dead dad excuse, and consider one weekend in Tahoe. Subscribe to the YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Thank you to our sponsors: http://buffy.co code: badfriends & http://forhims.com/badfriends & http://manscaped.com code: badfriends Official Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/badfriendspod Unofficial Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/badfriendspod More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor. It's the easiest way to make a podcast Let me explain. Oh, please. It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more. Go ahead You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob?

Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started You were taking iPhone pictures while your dad was dead. My mom wanted it Hey, dude, Korean people are so fucking weird That's so weird You two are bad friends! Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude You guys are weird

And you're looking good Have you seen a Korean guy around here? You two are sociopaths You two are disgusting You guys are nuts You guys are sick You two are wholesome and decent You guys are freaks

You are a bad friend You two are dangerous from your coordinate You guys are gross You two are something You're bad friends You know I meditate every night You meditate every single night I know Yeah so in my meditations last night

I thought to myself Bobby Lee has no social cause I want to be a social warrior You know because on the internet and on the gram I want to influence I want to influence What do you mean? What social cause?

What social cause do you want? Well you know Joaquin has the cows The milky tits Whatever He wants to save them He's saying we shouldn't drink milk anymore Yeah whatever And he's adam about it

He's adam about it He's agon about it What's the word? He's adam about it But he's adam about it cause he actually cares I want to care about something I don't know why I don't care about shit But if you cared it would already happen

I want to force myself to care I want to check a mark What's the social issue that you think you want to have as your new social issue to care about? Let's do it today It makes me sad that like But not really No you're not sad at all The dolphins and the turtles with the straws

What's going on with the dolphins? I don't know how they're getting straws in their mouths Dolphins are getting straws in their nose It's a cocaine or something No there's no cocaine dolphins What do you want? What do you think you want to save? What's important to you?

What do you think matters the most? For me personally Yes The things that I think that matter People don't This is not a thing It's not a thing that people are going to be like We're going to stand behind

What is it? I don't even know I literally have no There's no thing Care about anything Homeless people Health care I guess

Kids You know what I care about is the kids that are starving in Yemen Can you help them? No You don't want to help them? I can't get in Let's skip over the war kids from Yemen I call Southwest they don't fly there

They don't They're not going to go to Yemen I'm trying to have social justice Why don't you ask the fans I have one though It's my own personal social justice What is it? My brother and I

were having Korean barbecues the other night Did you go to Parks Finest? Parks Finest is a Yeah, we did We went to Parks Finest Not the parks downtown The one in Echo Park that you and I went to

But that's a Filipino barbecue place Filipino slash Korean There's Korean food there too, right? No It's racist Why? No, that's Mexican food There are two different things

Filipino food and Korean food It was basically going Hey, I had Mexican last night And then you said That's racist That's what that's saying That's not what it is Asian food is Asian food

That's not true Yes it is Asian food all has the same ingredients I had Thai last night They have noodles and rice and meats and curries In an Italian restaurant they had noodles

and rice there They don't have rice Palenta is not Italian first of all No He knows Palenta Yeah He's Mexican For the fans at home

Two minorities in the room Two for four I honestly think If I was a comedian that had something to That's not who you are Name a famous comedian that has a thing that you're like

Damn, I wish I was like them that they have a movement Like that Australian lady the lesbian lady with the glasses Hannah Gadsby? What's her thing? She's lesbian and she was She's lesbian, that's her thing So you think she was meditating one day and she was like, I'm gonna be lesbian

I don't know what you're doing and I don't know what you're trying to do right now I'm trying to help you find yourself I always talk to Kaleida today Every time you call me I have a good day Every time you call me about anything It ruins my day It puts me in a bed, my neck starts hurting

and I start getting spasms in my fucking frontal I won't call you anymore But just be nice about it How would you let the phone call to go? I can't fucking believe what you did You fucking did that And I'm like what? Cause you fuck up stuff all the time

But there's a nice way to do it anyway I have a social thing What is it? What's your social thing? Well my brother and I were having parks on Vermont The Filipino place that I took you to for my birthday

You're fucking racist No I'm not, it was good food either way It was very good, that's why I go there Cause of Kaleida My brother was like Did they really fucking you on that? On what? I'm gonna get into it

I know, I'm sorry, go ahead Dude, they're really fucking you on that I go, what? And he goes Poway High School, dude Hall of Fame, you're not on it You're not on it Right, so I went to high school

at Poway High School I graduated in 1990 Yeah, 1990 Damn, I wasn't even born yet I know But 1990 Brian Callan was 49 years old Poway High School

I literally thought that Joe Biden was Brian Callan for like 6 months I'm not kidding you Every time I see Joe Biden I go, Kaleida's killing it Poway High School, let's see the notable alumni So yeah, that's what I'm saying No, don't go there Cause I'm on that

I'm on the Wikipedia Yeah, there you go, I'm on that Poway High School's Hall of Fame They're Hall of Fame But I want to look up some of the people that are on here before we move forward No, no, no, go to the one, cause the other one is Hold on, let's see some of these names Aubrey Battle, former American football defensive lineman

Okay, Jud Buchler Look at Jud, look at those pits Look at those pits, dude Nice pits, went to Zona Kelly Cash, American musician, beauty pageant title holder Oh, Tom DeLong from Blink 182 Oh, he's the most famous from your school for sure

But without a doubt, you're not even close It's a Tom DeLong Tony Gwynn, oh dude, he's more famous than you too Wow, oh dude, Alex Dickerson Ah, look at all these guys that are more famous than me That's not Whoa, Hector Maldonado Dude, there's some legit people that went to your school

Exactly, right Wow Stephanie Seymour, model Remember she had a baby with Axl Rose She did, they have a kid, that's mad Yeah, right, okay, so Oh dude, even Brian Rast, the professional poker player Everybody knows Rasty

You don't know him Whatever you're doing is not going to work You don't know him, they call him Nasty Rast Nasty Rasty, Nasty Rasty No, no, that's a real thing, Nasty Rast He's like one of the top poker players in the world And I love him, he's incredible They go fast dash by Nasty Rast

He takes the pot home to get some ass Go to the fucking site Go to what, Poway High? It says Poway High Alumni Hall of Fame, Google that Poway High Hall of Fame Hall of Fame? Yeah Poway High School Hall of Fame

Poway High Alumni Association There we go, that's it Oh, three new names got entered, by the way Hold on one second, let me see this It says three new names just got entered into the Poway High Hall of Fame, oh my god There's a red carpet there too They paid for red carpet, so the Hall of Fame inductee

Sean Tom Murray, class of 79 Nice Oh, an Air Force guy, I get that Okay And then another guy, and you're not in the Hall of Fame Just go to the fucking thing man, how many times do I have to tell you Right there, the first one I don't need the

Go down, scroll down Okay, here we go, now these are the names Yeah, okay, wow Let's make an argument Do you think that they're more famous than me? Well, your class isn't even in here 1990, I know No one, because no one in my class

Got into it Well What they're saying is, is that Yeah You're not famous enough to be in this, and I will say that, that's true Look at Tina Gull She just got in from a class of 04 Everybody knows T

You don't know T-Dog? Tina Gull is an internationally renowned cellist Being honored for her accomplishments in the arts Grammy nominee Partner with Bentley Motors and the Rich Carleton Classical Electrical Cellist Dude, she's heard on hundreds of soundtracks Alright, go back Go back, click on some man

Actually, you know what I'd like to see How famous is Tina Gull, by the way Tina Gull was how famous How many plays do you think she has on Spotify On her most famous song This will kind of dictate whether or not she's actually that famous Tina, hold on You're supposed to be on my side dude

I am on your side I feel like you're on that fucking board There's no way I'm on that board This week we have a meeting Tina Gull, here you go Look, whoa Every month she has 223,000 listeners Her most famous song

She did the Wonder Woman theme And she deserves to be on it That's fucking fine But look at the other names I don't know, I think some of these people might be No, because they're choosing people Based on A Christian ethic

Right Because you're not Christian anymore No, because I'm a filth I'm a filthmonger with no cause Is Poway High a Christian high school? No, that's the point When I'm asking bad friends, fans to do Is good to the Poway High School

Okay, let's do it Hall of Fame site Here everyone, we're gonna put this in And then I want you to submit my name So here you go guys, we want you to go to Poway High School's website Really easy to find It's PowayUSD Just go to the Poway Hall of Fame thing

Go there The one that you were just at Can we get into the computer guy This guy Poway High Hall of Fame organization All you need to do to get Bobby Into the Hall of Fame is go ahead And go down and scroll down a little bit

It's right down there Have a question? See down there, nominate a candidate Guys, everyone go here And nominate a candidate online We're gonna do it right now, live on the show Sorry this form is no longer accepting submissions Look at that, they're full

The Hall of Fame is full Damn, that sucks Why do you even care about Poway High so much anyway? I didn't care until my brother said I should care You shouldn't care Alright, well then I'm gonna let it go Because there's nothing about, oh my god One of the most prestigious high schools in the world

Anybody who's anybody is a Hall of Famer here Well Like it says on the website You know what it is dude, I'll tell you what it is You know, you're not an ally Yes I am You're like, I'm Japan I'm Perurito and you're Mussolini

First of all, you're not Japan You're not Japan As George, I'm 10% Japanese I did the fucking 24 in me At 23 You might have an extra gene But it is 23 in me I did 23 in me

And I'm 10% Japanese You're 10% Japanese You're 10% Japanese I want to say this You deserve to be in the Hall of Fame and you know I mean that I genuinely do I also want to say I apologize to David Attenborough Because on last week's episode

We said that he was dead and he's alive So I apologize to David Attenborough and all of his friends and family Because I thought he was dead I'm sorry about that Did really people complain? Attenborough's estate reached out to us And threatened to sue us if we didn't take it down I swear to God

You swear to God? They sent us a cease and desist and said David is alive If you keep putting out this stuff we will see you in court Oh well he's definitely alive Yeah we love him He just looks dead Here's what I'd like to do We got a dead dad excuse

We got a Facebook user Justin Morris Who Santino has to guess how many times Bobby used his dead dad as an excuse Just this week And we have to guess the reasons How many times have you used your dead dad as an excuse to get out of things I would say you've gotten out of two podcasts By using your dead dad as an excuse the past

This past week I used my dead dad for a lot of things Did you get out of podcasts this week by saying dead dad stuff? I get out of a lot of things One for one I would also think you got out of having sex with Kalyla Or doing something sexual with Kalyla And you quoted dead dad stuff

Okay perfect two for two I think you got out of I think you got out of doing a set Or doing a dinner with somebody Either stand up or dinner Because of dead dad You said you used dead dad as an excuse Did you?

Kalyla just texted me How a high school website just broke from all the submissions That's fantastic That's all I wanted That's all I wanted Buffy makes super soft earth friendly bedding Because comfy night sleep is even comfier When it doesn't harm the environment

Here's my personal endorsement on it When you gave me that Buffy bedsheeting I took it home And now Kalyla and I only use that blanket It is one of my favorites of all time Here's why though You don't sweat I used to sweat all the time and I don't sweat

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That's right You can enter the code Bad friends Always once again for $20 off your Buffy bed And visit Buffy.co and enter the code That's right Oh I want to stay at the Poway High School My dad died

My dad died Yeah his dad is dad guys Why don't you put him in the thing Put him in the thing I have two dads I have two dads Would you consider Buffy's your dad

Who? Buffy's Rogan You think he's my dad? Is he my dad? You look at him like your dad Why don't you like Rogan? I love him Interesting

It's so funny What you're doing right now because Obviously I love him You called him my dad I like him you love him I love Rogan but I'm intimidated by him Every time he comes to the store do you get nervous? Well

It was three weeks ago His wife was there I love her and she noticed the shoes I was wearing which I really liked And then Rogan pulled me aside And he goes how come you get so scared around me That's a legitimate question

And I go I'm not scared What you white people don't fucking understand Is that Don't ever look like that again man You You kind of did like George He did like a little squinty

Confused kind of like George did the you know what it is He's got that Hitler youth Hitler youth in him He's not having it He's got a little cocky He's going like megalomaniac ego Crazy

Did you congratulate him Anyone Any white dude can go to China Or whatever and get a wife Did you see the ching chong She's not Chinese is she No she's not she's not Chinese What is she dude

Oh is she really My mom My dad died and he just He's fucking my mom He's fucking your mom I want to do something real fast I really loved it When we did a little scene reading

And I'd like to do a scene reading right now But I don't know what movie it is You'll figure it out almost right away I want you to put on this If you could I'll put on one of these things So we're going to be doing a little classic scene reading And

You have to put on that You put on one of those around your neck as well I'm going to be doing a little classic scene reading here For Bob This is one of his favorite movies He said this So we have to abide By what Bob likes and wants

Oh I forgot I have to take my headphones off But we're trying to get dressed here Do you want to do the direction or do you want to do the direction Yeah let Andres do the direction That would be great Give me those scripts right there What do you mean what are the beats for You got to put them on

Okay put them on Are you going to put back on your headphones or no You don't have to if you don't want to Give me a script and give him a script This is something that the fans really wanted And also something that you love What is that So you're going to be the role of Rose

And Andres is going to read some of the scene direction Okay go ahead Andres You'll figure it out almost right away It would be almost impossible for you to not figure out Nope but you'll just figure it out almost right away You're close Okay so guys ready Here Rose Sweet

What 1912 like in a dream The beautiful war work One of the worst First of all Andres Just cut cut Cut Just project a little bit more

Get the project a little bit more because You're acting as if you're the director You know he went to Film school A little bit more right Slow it down a bit Go ahead Hold on one second

Hold on It's Rogue and I'm not going to answer it Answer it He won't be on the show Let's start from scratch Go ahead Interior Rose Sweet Like in a dream

The beautiful war work All three emerge from the rusted ruin Deck is overwhelmed by the opulence Of the room He set his sketchbook And drawing materials in the marble table Will this light do? Don't arrest me good life

That is true I am not just working In such horrible conditions Hey Monet Hey What is this? He crutches next to the painting Stacks against the wall

Isn't he great? The use of color I saw him once through a hole in this garden Fence in Givinary She goes into the adjacent Walking wardrobe closet He sees her girl He sees her go to the safe

And starts working the combination He's fascinated Callus insists On lugging this thing Everywhere Should I be expecting him Any time soon? Not as long as The cigars and brandy hold out

Clunk, she unlocks the safe Glancing up, she met his eyes In the mirror behind the safe She opens it and removes the necklace Then holds it out to Jack Who takes it nervously You hold it to me Hold it to me

What is it? What is it? Is it a sapphire? What is it? What is it? What is it? Is it a sapphire? A diamond A very rare diamond Called the heart of the ocean

This is a wealth beyond his Comprehension I want you to drive me like your French girl He looks under her surprise And then we cut too Into your bedroom Jack is laying on his pencils

Like surgical tools His sketchbook is open and ready He looks at us, she comes into the room Wearing a silk kimono The last thing I need is another picture Of me looking like a china doll As a paint customer, I expect to get What I want

She hands him a dime and steps back Parting the kimono The blue stone lies on her creamy breasts Dispounding As she slowly lowers the robe Jack looks so striking It is almost comical The kimono drops to the floor

Tell me when it looks right to you She poses on the deep one Sending like a cat into the position We remember from the drawing Almost Just bend your left leg And lower your left Your head, eyes to me

That's it He drops his pencil and she Stiffles her laugh I believe you're Blushing Mr. Big Artist I can't imagine Mongea, Monie, blushing He does landscapes

Titan Jack asks his eyes come up To look at her over the top edge Of the sketch back We want him to finish Finish it We have seen this image of him Before in her memory It is an image she will carry in the rest of her life

Push slowly On Rose's face Wow I don't know what movie it is I don't know what movie it is Jack, Rose A draw me like one of your French girls

What movie is it? I've never seen it No I don't like boat movies It's not a boat movie But you know what I mean It's a great film I don't know what it is

I know that James Cameron directed it How have you never seen Titanic? It's the same reason why I haven't seen Beauty and the Beast I refuse The Disney movie? Beauty and the Beast? The new one or the old one?

Either one What do you do with one other? Yeah, there are classics that people like One of them is an animated Disney movie I like Mean Streets Scorsese's fucking second movie I like Apocalypse Now

Gritty Shit I don't like some dude doing this the whole time You don't like that? It's not my fucking thing It's a beautiful love story It's not my fucking thing It's a beautiful love story

You don't fucking believe that There's no way you like it I love the Titanic What do you like about it? I like when the boat sinks That's my favorite part When everybody dies All the way down

You don't like that? You don't like to watch death scenes? Yeah, maybe the ending part I'd probably watch that part It's a phenomenal movie It's going We love that You remembered women liking it

People liked Fried Green Tomatoes too You didn't like that movie either? I saw Fried Green Tomatoes That's not for me I don't like vegetables I don't like women talking Is that what you think the movie is about?

Just vegetables and women Here's another thing I will never watch it If I watch somebody on that fucking movie What? I did Paulie Shor's movie last summer What was it called? I don't remember

You don't remember the movie you did last summer? He goes, did Do my movie, did I showed up and I just did it So you don't remember it all? No I remember doing it because I have a story about it I'm saying, yeah, go ahead

I show up and some girls So we're just talking But we're just talking Walking and talking This lady that's bringing me to the set But she walked me into the set While they were shooting What do you mean, like watch you in the middle of the screen?

Yeah, they were doing a take But I didn't know that I was just following this girl So you got in trouble? No, and then Billy Zane He's in it, right? Billy Zane is in it In the Pauly movie

What's a movie? I want to know what movie this is So Billy Zane goes like this He turns to me and he goes like this To me And then I got rage eyes Like bitch, don't fucking shush me Bitch, don't fucking shush me, bitch So then I just talked to myself

It was on my checklist to watch Titanic But now, no more The guest house, is that what it's called? Yeah, I'm in that What's your name? The guest house is a newly engaged couple Finds the home of their dreams And it quickly becomes a nightmare

When the previous owner's friend continues Squatting in their guest house It leads to a turf war Bobby Lee was in this Billy Zane, Charlotte McKinney Amy Teagarden, Pauly Shore, Bobby Lee You played Benny Your character was Benny

Can you name any lines from that movie? I don't remember even doing it I don't remember the scenes So there was a scene where Pauly is in this bungalow And he's just kind of like His character is just kind of walking around Is he the guy that's squatting?

Yeah, he's squatting And whose house was it? Billy Zane's house, obviously I don't fucking know But what happened was There was a scene where he just Just sit on this hammock and read a book And you're just gonna be in the background I think it'd be funny

And I'd just say it'd be funnier if I was completely naked I totally agree That's the go-to So you got butt naked in the back of the scene No explanation There's no lead into it, no one talks about it He just walks into his place and he's just like Talking to somebody, I'm just in the background swinging

On this little hammock With your little dick out? No, I crossed my legs Would you tuck it? I could tuck my dick When you crossed your legs? I could tuck it right now Oh

Oh, God, that chair Oh, look at that man, Jaina Hold on, let me get that Get a little photo Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup There we go, perfect You have like a foopa You know what that looks like? Stand up for a second

That looks like you have a pussy Stand up for a second Doesn't that look like he has a pussy? That little bump, that's so good Can we sharpie like a clit? I want to sharpie draw like a little clit Oh, my God, wait a minute Let me get close, come here

It kind of looks like you have Hold on one second, if I just I'm going to send that to you Look at this babe sending me her pussy, bro Send it to Delia Whoa, look at that It looks like a pussy The stomach looks bad though

Just this heavy girl Is sending everybody DMs of her naked Can we draw a little clit on you? Let's draw a little tiny clit Alright, here we go, let's draw a little clit right here Yeah And then you're kind of lippy You seem like

You have big lips Look at that, you have big puss lips You look good, that looks really good Let me put on my stomach a little bit Hold on one second, are you going to suck in your stomach? One, two, three Let me Let me

You have a cute little puss puss Looks like Oprah's pussy You have a half-inny half-outie Alright No, no, no, I just noticed that It's either an immunotie or it could be a butthole with a hemorrhoid Hems Hems, hey man

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That's my belly button, don't zoom in on that man It's your belly button, it's not that big of a deal It's way worse stuff than your belly I just forgot why I just did that I don't know why What prompted me to do that again? With you, it's anything I think you said that you could tuck your dick

That's what it was And there's a pube now on your mic Look at your mic, it has a pube on it, on the other side Oh yeah, yeah, that's not, no this is from the wig Oh, that's from the wig I was gonna say it was red, I thought that was mine Should I watch Titanic then? I think it's a phenomenal movie

Can I say something to you? I know What did you think about it though? I liked it, I've seen it like 10 times What do you think the rating is for Titanic? What would be the rating? 7 out of 10 Can you believe that 7.8 out of 10

900,000 people rated it It's a fucking phenomenal movie But it's not a masterpiece, it's not like It absolutely is a masterpiece You know what a masterpiece is? It's like the hidden fortress It's a Kurosawa film That's more important than Titanic

Even though Titanic made more money Is that the hidden fortress Influenced Star Wars In the hidden fortress In the beginning of the movie they have an R2-D2C 3PO But they're Samurai's It's the same kind of like And the way it

Shot like the panning When you see the scenes Lucas took that From the Kurosawa film The Hidden Fortress Titanic isn't an Influential movie in terms of Wow, what?

Look at all of these fucking awards Wow Best original music screenplay Best picture, best director Holy fuck When does it end? But dopey white dudes like you Look at me right now

Look at me right now cause you're You know how I know you're a dopey jock dude You know how to bowl I love bowling When we bowled and I saw your technique You actually cared And you actually practiced Your form

The way you whipped the spin the ball Yeah and you did a thing and you turned around And you did like a hey And I was just kinda you're a fucking asshole For even doing that Because that means you spent Time as a kid I could imagine you as a kid with a coconut or something

Little coconut in the backyard Little Chicago, Irish, fucking You know what I mean There's always coconuts laying around in Chicago Yeah go ahead coconut trees Whatever you use You could have said a potato I used a potato

I bowled with it then I fucked with it Do I need to write your jokes for you? Wow you're gonna go there You're mocking me and my like for bowling I'm not mocking you I'm just telling you what kind of guy you are You're so adamant about defending Fucking Titanic

It's a great movie And you love the bowl And I love to bowl And that's who you are I love Titanic and I love to bowl Hi I'm Andrew Santino Welcome You're Bobby Lee

You like Kurosawa And making your dick look like a clit That's who you are This is why it's working You're gonna be a terrible father I'm gonna be a terrible father I'm gonna be a good pop I don't like daddy

I don't like when girls say When they call their father daddy I think it's gross Did you see the documentary Trials of Gabriel Fernandez yet? I don't think I can watch it Why? Because they beat the shit out of that kid They torture him

They feed him cat food Which is normal for you guys They do all that stuff They didn't feed him cat food They fed him cat litter with pee on it So it's the woman And it's her son and it's her boyfriend And they just torture him why?

For shits and giggles The real reason why is because That they suspect the kid to be gay Oh is that really what it is? Right, because he has a feminine This is so gross and sad The boyfriend admits that he did it Doesn't care

He's on trial and his defenses I did it but I didn't intend to kill him What is that? That's like saying I beat someone To death but I didn't really mean it The logic for me is that Every time you brutalize a boy

You know that death could be a consequence A child by the way, not a boy Yeah that's a little little tiny boy So The dude's on trial right And the jury, all of the jury is like Guilty Except for jury number 7

A Chinese man And he this fools is like I don't know From where I come from That's what I got I don't know if I intend to kill him Because I don't know his heart His heart could be

Dark and evil And I'm literally going you ching chong Press the button ching chong I'm literally fucking You know what I mean Oh my god But they finally flipped him They both got the death penalty right

I'm pretty sure one of the jurors is going Hey ching chong look at me I don't think they said that Focus right We gotta get a bigger gong We have to get rid of the gong I didn't put this in here Did you put the gong there?

There's no gong Somebody did No he's pointing down there He got you a gift over there What is it? Cereal? How do you not know what it is How do you not understand this joke

George put this stuff in here as a bit He thinks this is there I am There I am On the box George good one Very good one Put it right there There I am

This looks like we're sponsored by them Why do you guys like clove so much? Clove cigarettes? No like clovers We don't like What do you mean we don't like them Yeah you do Why do you guys like green

Because Ireland is green it's a very green country There's a lot of places that are green You know where those are green? West Covina No it's not the same That's not you He's more famous than you You want to go into fame?

That artificial person That's not even real That was drawn Shameless charms He's a very famous guy You know where he went to high school? He's in the hall of fame In fact I'm going to have everybody vote for

Shameless charms You guys when the website goes back up Why don't you go ahead and vote for Shameless Charms Shameless Charms That's what I want I want the Shameless Lucky Charms guy to be voted on George got all this fun stuff for you George got that he got this

This is racist he got you the hat I just don't think I can I can't watch kids get abused dude That's gross But if the conversation is about the abuse that fucked me up It's like those documentaries like Don't fuck with cats That was another Netflix one

Did you see it that George? Right You learn It's repulsive But I feel like It's better to be knowledgeable About these incidences No I don't disagree

They live in a dream like steak You like to live in a white dream like steak I don't want to know the extent in which they abuse this Human because I think that's fucking disgusting Like how much depth Do I need to know other than what you told me That they abuse this kid so horrifically Because the system's broken right

Social workers and the I know they didn't even do anything about it That's what I'm saying is when you want Like I wasn't even aware of this And now I'm aware of it And now if there's a campaign There's a measure on a ballot Right to like

I want to know what happened to us but you can't tell me Her girlfriend is the mother Who's just as guilty But she copped A plea a deal But some other lady on Twitter Some girl was like My mom's

In prison with Pearl Fernandez At this women's prison And she was saying that Yeah, Pearl Fernandez just gets beat down Every fucking day She can't go out in the yard Yeah great because you know what If all those women that are in prison

I bet you most of them are in for some bullshit Not for child abuse You know the thing about prison Was I molested Not No No I was never molested

You act like you were You have an anger You act like you were molested I was molested I know so we don't act like at all What do you mean You're the one who whips out your dick all the time And tucks it in your butt and does weird stuff

Molestation signs For me But you have some sort of like You have anger issues I don't want to We're not fighting We're just discussing But you seem like you were molested

Break it down for me How do you think I got molested Because you have this Anger But you don't have any anger and you were molested So you're the happy case of molestation People get molested I was not molested

Were you beat No So you were never beat at all I mean we got hit But like a normal kind of hit Then what happened to you Honestly Yeah

I got molested I didn't get So I didn't What do you mean what happened The anger in me is just a part of That's a symptom of who I am I run hot Oh so it's like a genetic thing

I run hot Did your dad run hot We all run hot Of course So if I hung out with your dad for a weekend He would never hang out with you And he would never go to Tahoe I want to go to Tahoe with your dad

Do you want me to call him and see if he'd go to Tahoe with you That'd be a fun experiment Dad and me one week in Tahoe You would never You would never last He'd rage out on me No he wouldn't He wouldn't rage out on you

You would annoy the fuck out of him He would have a stroke You would kill my father Not with your own hands but Your own mental volition That would drive him nuts I can't watch documentaries like that that make me sad I did watch the McDonald's thing

Is that good because I want to watch it It's all about the scam of the monopoly pieces And that's fine to me It's nothing that you're going to go Whoa it's not that big of a deal But you are You are going to go wow they could have done this in one You know I don't know

Because of my trauma Because of the way I was raised And because I had to mention my dad again He died Oh Support for bad friends is brought to you by Manscaped

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And free shipping you go to manscaped.com and type in the code Your balls are going to thank you Once again you can get 20% off free shipping With the code manscaped.com By the way I saw your dad over at your brother's house He had the box of your dad's ashes

So heavy It was so heavy it was so much The box Yeah it was so heavy I have the other half Is it heavy too? Yeah Is it the same box? I think it was a fatty Did your mom get any? No

She didn't want any ashes? She didn't want any of it Don't give me no ashes It was the weirdest thing because it's like When he died and then we went to the Funeral home or whatever We sat in this office What do you want to do? So we want to set up a no we just cream

And put them in the box They want to put them in a coffin on the ground They wanted some sort of service And us three were like No just put them in the box Put them in the fucking box And how much money do you want to spend The cheapest box

There's like a target bag that you can put your dad in Maybe I traded Joe's one Really nicer one You could do that but then the second step Is the brown box that we got How much is it? Just so I know The engraving and the actual photo on it Cost a little money

How much? It was like a grand A grand maybe A thousand When you die soon Do you want to be cremated? Or do you want to be put in the ground? I think I want a service

I want to be in a coffin You want to be put in the earth Really? I don't see that for you Why? I know you want a big show I know you like a big show But you want to be in the earth Creepy crawling into your eyeballs

Because if there was some sort of Apocalypse and zombies came out And you want to be able to come back I want to come out Can you imagine everyone's like And then you pop out and you're like You tuck your dick And you walk around with your little

Zombie cock Someone's inside the house Zombies have broken in here They're trying to eat us except for that one He just wants to show us his weird penis And he's like Did you like The Walking Dead? Sure, I never saw one episode

I never saw one episode of The Walking Dead You want me angry about The Walking Dead though? But I loved Zombieland The Korean dude Why? Stephen Yoon Because it was a role you said He's a friend of mine I know

What made you mad about him though? He didn't make me mad In the show He's, he marries A white chick Go ahead And then I remember Ryan Seacrest on his radio show

He tried to go That guy couldn't in real life Date that girl Really? Yeah, and then he let it go Because he realized that nobody else Was like on board of what he was saying That's really fucked up to say His name again?

Stephen Yoon, by the way I know him He's so cute He's so handsome Look at him Yeah, he's good looking Yeah, I would definitely hang out with Steve Yoon Wow, he's a sexy guy

He's got that cute The little Asian mustache The little non-threatening Asian hairs The guy do What do you mean non-threatening? They kind of make men look like men And Asian beards just like It just looks like cute and cartoony

Yeah, that's why I wouldn't make I wouldn't make a good pioneer Do you know why? Because you would never last out in like a wagon You would never, a pioneer Like discovering new land? No, like Abe Lincoln So a president? What are you talking about?

No, because remember Abe Lincoln grew up In the pioneer days where he In a log cabin I would look weird out there Because I'd have a full man too You know what I mean? I'd have a full on full man too But wouldn't you love that?

No, because they would be like, is these chopping wood Are going to kick me in the face Why couldn't you just trim it up a little bit? No, it would just be look, I think we would look weird I honestly think if there were Asians He's good looking There were Asians in the pioneer days And the days where pioneers existed

Well in Deadwood, yeah In the western towns, we had opium dens Opium Opium Don't correct the way I talk Because you got what I said Opium dens There's opium dad, dead dads

There's opium dead dad dens And Pasadena you can go to And just do opium because you're a dead dad Do you know that? No $35 an hour Stop doing that Sorry Steven Yoon guy is a cute guy

Sorry But He looks like this kid Justin Chone You know Justin Chone? Yeah But this guy Seacrest said couldn't date a white girl That's what the discrepancy was He couldn't get one

In real life That guy wouldn't be able to get that girl The girl that was on the show She was average She wasn't like, you know what I mean What was her name? I don't even remember What was the show? The Walking Dead One of the biggest hits of the last decade

I didn't see it, don't know anything about it It's a pretty good show Is it really? Yeah The Walking Dead What was his name again? Steven Yoon Girlfriend That's an easy way to check

Is that her? No wife Oh it's wife on the show Yeah Okay, where is she? There, no this is all his wife In the real world, that's the problem That they're going to show all this stuff There's him with the bat

I don't know, I never saw The Walking Dead But I know a lot of people liked it a lot Laura Kohan, is that her? Yeah that's her So now you would He could get her Okay, I don't want to Offend either of these people Because I don't know them in the real world

But based on the photo They seem quite comparable Exactly It's not a stretch Not even remotely Stupid Ryan Seacrest First of all He's just so white

He's white I want to have a message to Ryan Seacrest Go ahead, we're here Dear Ryan Seacrest I'm misshapen You're not a girls wet dream Your body is

Your body is probably average I'm pretty fat You're not fat right now But I'm not But I You wouldn't think that I would be able to kill it with women That's not true I have a message to Ryan Seacrest

My message is that I've dated girls Comparable to her, or even hotter That's right Ryan And You fucks on the internet You only get girls because You do stand up and you have money

That's the whole reason why I did those things What the fuck would I do with this What's that for that Yeah, yeah, yeah I got no pussy When I was 23 years old None He was a virgin until he was

20 So none I'm going to have to do something I'm going to figure it out So I'll just go do stand up That was why? Yeah, and then four months in Jennifer Field

There was a white girl named Jennifer Field Jennifer Field Walks up to me and she goes Hey, you want to eat my pussy in my mom's house In the ocean side And I go, what? For free? Jennifer Field

Where do you think she is now by the way Oh Yeah, that's her No, she was white This girl is white That's Jennifer Field She was she an actress? No, you're never going to find the Jennifer Field

This is the girl that said that to Bob This is the girl that said that to Bob But my point is that she lived in the ocean side And I remember going into her mom's closet And 69'ing her You did? So check this out And I looked up at me like this

And her cheeks are on my face like this And I literally did this I looked up at the sky And if God could If there was a camera, you would just see tears Just tears And I did a little wink to God To the Lord

And I go Thank you You think he was watching? I'm pretty sure he was I always thank God for things like that I believe in God You believe in God? Or you believe in a thing like God?

Do you actually believe in God? I don't believe in Jesus Christ Jesus Christ I believe in That we're all connected by energy And that there is some sort of Loving, omnipotent

Loving An omnipotent force Before your dad died, did he pray? Was he like big in the God? My dad was completely atheist A man always finds God on the deathbed Your dad had nothing like that Well, my brother, I don't know why he did this

But my brother would take photos Of my dad dying What? Why? As he was dying My dad was in hospice For seven days You know those photos Where someone does a picture every single day

Your brother was doing the opposite Did he show you these photos? Oh, these are gonna fucking boggle your mind Do I want to see him? Are they fucked up? It's so hard to see like that Like when people also, you know Did you look at your dad after he was dead? I was in the room when he

When he finally left When he left Did your mom cry? Yeah, she was So look at this But your brother spent a good chunk of time Taking photos of your father as he passed away Oh my god, is this hard to look at

And your brother's crying Your mom is crying Jesus, Bob This is sad This is very sad I'll show you a funny one I hope it's not like that That's not funny

But then my mom goes My mom goes My mom goes She goes Put the To the timer So you can be in the picture I go what? To the timer

I go how many seconds? 10 seconds Right? And then the first time I did it the thing fell over Right, right And then the second time I couldn't get around This like other thing that was In the way So then we did it like 10 times, but then we finally got it

Oh, Bob Yeah Oh, your poor mother Yeah, so then Did your dad know that you guys were taking pictures? Was he conscious enough? He's dead here Oh, that's he's dead Holy shit, Bob

Was he dead in the other one? Yeah You were taking iPhone pictures while your dad was dead My mom wanted it Dude, Korean people are So fucking weird That's so weird That's wild Because what are you going to do with that photo?

With Oliver and Kate Hudson Why would you send that to Oliver and Kate Hudson? And they were like, don't ever send that again No shit I know, I'm Korean Yeah, we do different things Death is a different thing But anyway, the week

Two days before that My brother was like, I'm just going to stay here Like sleep in the room with him? Yeah As he was dying? Yeah I'm like, all right But all night long There were photos of him, like stages And I texted him back, I go

Why is he doing that? And one of them was this though My dad doing this Look Stop He did that That's so sad, Bob Right, so maybe there is a God thing Okay, sure, maybe there is a God thing

But your father didn't believe in God, you said Yeah, but maybe Oh, going towards the light? Maybe You think so? Yeah, he was doing that I'm sorry, I don't, you don't I'm being genuine with you, don't ever send People those photos ever again That's an insane, that's like a literal insane thing

No, it's not, it's insane, I'll tell you why Have you heard of Ram Dass? I know Ram Dass So Westerners had this eschewed Or different idea about death, right And Ram Dass You know, when he was alive, he died in December But he loved

Being in the presence of death Because he's being in the presence of truth Because it's liberating It's the most truthful thing that you could witness Okay And for me, I believe That my dad moved on to the next phase Or the afterlife

I don't think that You view it as some sort of weird Personal, you know what I mean Private thing that I think death is kind of private You don't think death is private? No, it's truth So death is truth, but it's not So should we parade around

Death a little bit more? No, but I don't think that we should Be shameful about it It's not shameful, but it's almost like God rests the dead type of shit where you're like When they're gone, they're gone Some countries, they have different ways of dealing with it They celebrate, you know what I mean

There's a party that goes on Yeah, that's what I'm saying I don't like that Yeah, but that's your angry Chicago No, no, no Lucky Charms You're a fucking particle First of all, it's Seamus Charms

Who's in Poway Hall of Fame By the way, most people Don't do that again I was really adamant about that People are gonna vote for you There's one of the two we're gonna get in Can I tell you a story real fast? This is insane

A guy at my Bakersfield show passed out Because I think he was on too many edibles, they said Passed out in the middle of the fucking show And I was like, man, what happened with the fucking lights? And they said it was probably because They were like, he was drunk, but he was acting real weird So I was like, he wasn't drunk, he was fucking high And he passed out in the middle of the show

Slammed himself on the floor This fucking poor dude And they had to turn on the lights and drag him out in the middle of the show And then, another weird thing When I was in Atlanta, maybe Atlanta was I just in They tell people, you know, no cell phones You know all this shit, like no cell phones

I was like, don't know recording, whatever Until after the show A grown man, adult male They had to throw out Because he was drunk on his phone, you know Taking photos or fucking around And they threw him out and he cried And he was bawling, and I thought

I'm not kidding, from the stage, I thought I was In my mind He was so distant and faint because he was up in the balcony I thought, that's weird, that's like a thing I think I'm here, it sounds like someone Could be something outside A grown man was bawling because they were kicking him out of the show I know, it broke my fucking heart

But you know why? He was crying Because he loves you I know, I didn't have anything to do with it And he probably saved all his money For two weeks He's a huge whiskey Ginger Oh fuck you

Yeah, no, either way I feel bad I don't know why he likes whiskey ginger But he's like, I love whiskey ginger so much Yeah And then he's just like, being torn out of there I had nothing to do with that And he's going

Dude, I didn't throw the guy out I feel bad for the poor guy They told me the security guard was like, laughing about it He's like, hey, you fucking crying like a bitch And I was like, oh, okay At a comedy club, what do you... Okay, so let me ask you something I felt bad

If the club is rude to you, what do you do? What do you mean? Like if the manager treats me like shit? I was in Seattle once And when I walked Yeah, at the parlor And I did a show, a couple of shows already I did a show Thursday I did the first show Friday

It's not there anymore, is it? It's not And in the second show In between shows, I took like a 20 minute nap Because I was really tired And then I came back to the second show And the doorman wouldn't let me in To your own show? Yeah Because he was like, I don't know who you are, bro

He goes, AO man, we're all sold out I just walked in the club And then did they get into a fight with you? Yeah, he... As I'm walking forward He walked in front of me and started walking backwards Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy Why don't you just say, it's me, I'm the guy

You think he should know Is that what that is? I don't know If you're at a comedy club He's a security guard, he doesn't fucking care He getting paid fucking eight bucks an hour To make sure drunk people don't throw shit at you So you would have just said Hey, I'm the guy, nice to meet you, I'm Andrew

He doesn't care That guy doesn't fucking care I fucked it up You know what, he probably hates comedy He probably just like, fuck comedy The same thing happened at the helium in Portland They had a little girl that was reading a book During the show? No, she was a book

She was the door woman And as I walked in, she goes, ID I love that And I go, my ID? Yeah, I'm Bobby Lee, ID He doesn't know you're of age I had to fucking pull out my ID To go to my own fucking show

So you don't take that personally Here's the thing Why do I care if that guy knows who I am or not The people in the room all are there to see you I don't care that the fucking security guard Is like, I don't know you bro Fine dog, nice to meet you bud I'm gonna go play a sold out show for my fans

Sorry you don't know me I don't know, you know what I mean? So you weren't molested I was not, that's right Because a molester goes You gotta know who I am Yeah, that's the difference When you don't get molested, you're fine

I want to tell you one quick thing too Do we do enough? We did, but this blew my mind I want to tell you something, hold on I'm sitting on the plane I'm going from the plane from Detroit to Atlanta The woman sees me On My website

Checking the dates My fucking dates were wrong It was going to wrong pages So I'm like kind of scrambling I'm texting someone, hey man these pages are not happening Something's wrong, it's sending people to the wrong page And she's staring over my I can fucking feel her looking at my phone

You know, and I'm kind of getting annoyed I'm like turning a little bit and she goes You a musician? No, I go No, I'm not a musician I'm a performer, I'm not a musician Oh, what kind of performer? I just do a live

Performance readings, I do art readings I read art readings I'm trying as hard as I can to get out of it She goes, hmm She sees me with a microphone because that's my fuck She goes, are you a comedian? I go, yes Yeah, at some point

Yes, okay? This is how you're reacting to I think you're a little nicer, right? No, this is how you're reacting No, because I'm feeling it's so invasive Why are you fucking looking at my phone? That's insanely invasive It wasn't organic at all And then she goes

I'm not making this up She goes, I love comedy, I said, oh yeah Like we haven't heard this before I go, oh yeah, okay, yeah Who do you like? She goes, there's a white lady And there's a black guy to my left Black guy to my left, white woman on my right

Going to Atlanta, if anybody knows Atlanta Yeah, very diverse, right? A lot of black people This woman's going to Atlanta, she goes, Bill Cosby I go, Bill Cosby And I go, oh, okay And then she goes, yeah I think he's Phenomenal

And I go, yeah Yeah, Bill was very good Comic, it turns out he's a piece of shit And she goes, what? Like this, I'm not kidding What? I go, you know He raped women I mean, he raped a lot of women

He got caught raping women I'm not joking even a little bit Well, you know why I liked him? Because he told blacks To stop complaining And lift themselves up by their bootstraps Black guy to my left I'm in the middle

Black guy hears it for sure I'm sitting there begging for the plane to crash Please crash I was like, please hit a bump and let's fucking Oh my She goes, blacks, he told blacks To stop complaining And lift themselves up by their bootstraps

That's what she said And by the way, I have a black guy to my left Who now thinks I'm buds with her I'm white, so Right away, he's like Oh, my god So here's me, what do you say in that situation? I had to go, uh, I don't know

You know, I'm not a huge, I don't, not a You know, I should have pulled out a gun And shot my own fucking head, there was no way out of it Yeah, and the black guy, I can feel his energy Is that how you feel too? There's no way for me, I'm at a loss No, you say this, say it To me

Well, I like Bill Cosby because Why do you like him? Well, because he told blacks To stop complaining and to lift themselves up By their bootstraps Yeah That's what you did I know, I didn't do it

She made me so fucking uncomfortable A pin I said, take it easy It was insane, it was such an uncomfortable Fuck, I hate being put in those situations That's why I don't want to tell someone that you're a comic That's what I don't Yeah, but when they put a gun to you and it's like

They want to know, it's hard Another guy on the way to Detroit I got I got a A snack thing A protein box And he goes, I paid for it And I was like, oh, why?

And he goes, pay it forward, man I think it's a cool thing to buy people stuff on planes And I go, well, thank you But then I realize that's him Sinking the bait Now he gets to talk to me the whole fucking time I'm on my iPad I had to do this the whole time watching a movie

I had to do this What's up? All the time I had to take off my fucking headphones, go what's up And then he would ask some question about what I'm watching Love is blind It's love is blind on Netflix And he's like, oh, okay

And then I would watch it again and no shit again What's up? No, I don't want to drink, thank you That's why I put the sleepy mask on I know I put the earphones on I'm not even asleep No, no, you just disappeared

I'm not even asleep, I'll just Out my eyes open with the mask on And just And just stare in the darkness Yeah, but it's because it's better than that thing It's better than talking to people I want to talk to you about the guy that had me Open for me

Who? Are you going to talk shit? No, he was great Matt Lockwood's a great comic He did a whole week with me Well, he went to San Jose with you And his family was there, right? Yeah, and I had to do it

You had to do the thing, didn't you? I had to do it, because I wore two different masks I have the dirty guy Right here, you know what I mean? The real authentic But then I can do a real Suburban How are ya?

Oh, your son, you raised him so well That's what I did And they're like, oh yeah? Because one day they're going to be gone And they'll remember you As that nice kid who just did the right thing By them, by just saying, hey, how's it going Instead of being like, hey, you want to see my dick?

No, of course, I know when to do that I know when to pull my dick out And how did he do? He did great, although it was funny Because the first show The host was really good The local host in San Jose He's from San Francisco, his name is Mark Smalls

He's really good, Nicky Glaser uses him a lot Oh, I know who he is, very funny I've heard his name before, yeah He was killing it So me and Lockwood were backstage And he was a little nervous He was, like, vocally saying You could see he was nervous

He was pacing, and he's like, I got this And I go, you're going to eat it, dude You asshole Why would you say that to that guy? And he goes, what do you mean I go, I don't know Man, like, Robert Hartman's here He's not there, but No, just because I know he's not

But I'm telling him people that are there Just to make him nervous Honestly, dude, I go If you do well, you might not do the next Of the shows This is the first show? That's the first show You can just see the sweat And his eyes vibrating

And so then he gets up on stage and me and the manager I go, come on, let's go Let's go watch a film So we're in the audience, right? And you could see him on stage Kind of eating it Yeah, a little bit He's starting to struggle in the beginning

He uses what I'm doing in the back It's a good time, right? And the manager's like, we're having a good time But then five or six minutes in I could see him gain composure And then I was just like, I'll go to the green room Because he did well That's good, see? You take my suggestions

But then we went to get tacos real quick Because you said the thing And then we sat there eating tacos And I had to do the whole How do you, this girl comes in How do I know you? To you? You've been in movies, right?

And I'm like, yeah She's like, hang over? Yeah And I go, no Yeah, you were the guy in the trunk and hang over That, right? Okay, stop, Bob, come on Bob

Bob Bob, come say goodbye Come here Obviously, let's finish the story though So she says, stop She says, you're in the hangover and you go Obviously not, you go, no Because now everything I'm going to say after that

That was the laugh What you just did was how we should close the show Look at me, look at me Tell the rest of the story I won't I know what you're trying to do Just end it Look in the camera

And one, two, three We're being a bad friend