Bad Friends - Is Bobby Bi?

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

New Merch Out Now! http://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors: http://ritual.com/badfriends & http://hellotushy.com/badfriends & http://meundies.com/badfriends & http://buyraycon.com/badfriends Subscribe to our YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube 0:00 The Really Hot Guy 5:20 The Scale of Hot 10:20 Bobby's Revenge on Sebastian Maniscalco 15:50 Rudy Tells the Truth 18:35 How Much?  24:01 The Ike Barinholtz Sketch 26:55 Henry Cavill Won't Make Eye Contact 35:50 Bobby Was Baptized Mormon 43:10 The Test 48:50 Bobby Won't Do an Accent 58:10 54% Straight 1:06:05 Bobby Is The Most Honest Podcaster 1:10:05 Andrew's Miller Commercial 1:18:25 Songs for Rudy 1:21:05 Rudy's Mad TV Presentation More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Jenna Sunde, Joe Faria, Andrés Rosende Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Why were you late? I wasn't late. I had to finish something and I was like I'll never make it here. What did you have to finish golf? No, I wasn't golfing today. What was it? It's Sunday so what were you doing? You really want to know?

Yeah. I was going to get my father something. It's his birthday. You could have done that previously. I mean. Don't talk to me about management of time. Don't you dare talk to me about management of time. I'm not even doing that.

I'm asking you. I went to get something custom made for my dad. A belt buckle? It was on the west side. Socks. Custom dad socks. Are you really? No, be real.

I went to get my dad a gift. What is it? I'm not going to say it. Okay. He watches the show. Congratulations and happy birthday, Mr. Santano. Listen. Disrespectful.

Oh, shit. Congratulations, Mr. Santano. But my point. Mr. Santano. So that's why you were late? You were on the west side getting socks made or whatever? I was in Santa Monica. That's a far way away from here.

Okay. Okay. People, everybody knows we shoot the show in Santa Clarita. It's far. Yeah. No, we do. You know where to shoot this? We shoot this in Valencia.

I had six flags. Rudy Jules is here in a really bad mood. I texted her. I said, can we push a little bit today? She wouldn't respond. She didn't respond. I know. And then she did that.

She gave me the middle finger emoji. Yeah. It's funny. She said to be in the car on the car right over. No, she did. Look at her starburst sweater. You know what she said? What?

I almost crushed the car. When she said, I was like, what? And we almost died. What did she say? She goes, she calls me Tito Bobby. I don't know if you know that. She calls me Tito Andrew. Yeah, yeah.

So she goes, Tito Bobby. Yeah. And she goes, I think you're bisexual. Really? And I go, really? Yeah, yeah. And I go, why? I just think you do.

I think she's right. You think that I'm bisexual? I think so. Why? Because you've had experiences with men. That doesn't make one bisexual to have experience. You think I liked it? Yeah.

You think guys that go to prison and they have, they get raped or have prison sex, they like it? No. I think some of them. I think, what if you open up a can? A few people might be like, yuck. Okay. This is pretty good.

I had some fun in 12C. I don't think I am, but I don't think I am. But why do you think so, Jules? We were talking something before that. Yes. About. We can't talk about. Which we can't talk about.

Yeah. So go ahead. And then I don't know because like Tito Andrew said, fast experience and then when we were driving. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, go ahead. Tell them.

You saw a good looking guy. Tell them. Tell them what happened. Who do you see? We saw a very hot guy. Yeah. And then I was just silent. And then Tito Bobby was like, he screamed.

I what? He screamed. I didn't scream. You did? Scream. Yeah. Scream. Not like that.

Yeah. And then you almost stopped the car. No, I don't know. Fuck it. This is ridiculous. Who was the guy? Was he a famous guy? No.

So we're driving down, you know, the hill. Yeah. Right? Yeah. You know what I mean? So I'm passing him. I see him right now in my head. Shirt off.

Shirt off. Oh, I love this guy. It's Chris Hemsworth. I know the guy. Right. Boff. Olive skin. Long hair.

Long hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long hair. Flowing in the wind. Flowing in the wind. Very handsome. Did you see his peckage? Can you see his acorn?

Or what? I didn't see his face. You were just... Yeah, right now. So he's jogging up and I kind of went, whoa. Whoa. You know what I mean? How short are the shorts?

It's black. Ooh. Nice thighs? Black. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, fuck. So, you know, I go, whoa. And then I look at Juliana and then we just both laugh.

We started laughing. A couple giggly girls. Yeah. A couple of young girls. I go, did you see that guy? He's like, yeah, I did. But you saw him, too. And I go, yeah, I was just going, whoa.

No, because when you see, you know... I completely identify with this. Thank you. So when you see a guy... Like, because I obviously, I have eyes. Yeah. And I have a mirror. Small ones, but they're there.

Rude. But Touche. So I look in the mirror and what I've been doing lately is really... Because when you see yourself in the mirror, you don't go, oh, that's me. You just kind of... It's just like something that's a reality and something that you see. I hate looking in the mirror. Yeah.

But what I've been doing lately is analyzing myself. You're like your body. Yeah. And I look to see what I did to it and what was given to me. I caught a glimpse of myself in my side mirror on the way out of the bathroom and I said, look at that fucking creamsicle. I look like a big fat creamsicle right now. Yeah.

So when you look at yourself, I'm like kind of like going, oh, that's the reality of my situation. Right. Right. It's just like... And don't you feel blessed? Like a yellow dumpling. Like a beautiful little dumpling.

Yeah. And then you kind of look and you go, you know what? What can I do? There's nothing I can do. Who cares? Somebody wants to eat it. When you see somebody, you know what I mean? That's the exact opposite.

Yeah. Who's hot? A hot... Sorry. You're not hot. I mean... You're not hot. Dude.

Fuck. I didn't say I'm hot. No. But you're definitely not hot. I know. But... You're sexy maybe. But you're not hot.

I'm... Because I'm gonna say... You're so far away from hot. Okay. But do you know that... Like on the scale of hot... Clothes. I know.

Because... In a lineup, in a room full of criminals. Oh my God. Of hot criminals. You're not even... Listen. You're the first one. You know how they go on a scale?

They go height by height. You know how you go to a museum? You're so unbelievably not hot. Okay. When I go to a museum. Yeah. When I was a kid. Yeah.

Right. And I was... I moved out of my parents' house. And I would go to the... In San Diego, the Balboa Museum of Arts. Right. Or whatever. And I used to save up money because I didn't have money back then.

I would go once a week. Why would you go every week? Because I really didn't have any friends. And I just... I was like one of those guys that played chess till three... It was gross. I would play chess till three in the morning at a coffee shop. And like I started reading like, you know...

Kafka. You know what I mean? In like philosophical books. Right? You were... This is like a foreign Asian guy. You're from America. This sounds like you're a...

An immigrant Asian. Yeah. Anyway. I would go there and I would sit and I would look at the paintings. Right. And renaissance paintings. And you would see like how they used to draw women back then. Thick.

Yeah. Thick. Lovely. And like with the holes. Right. Not the vagina, but like cellulite almost sometimes. And the rolls and whatnot. And that's what they viewed as beautiful.

So, yeah. In our modern current climate, I am not hot. But back then... But back then... I could have been... You would have been a hot woman. You would have been a hot, round woman. A sh...

Or a man. Not a man. No. Because men had muscle and everything back then. Really? Yeah. Back then men were still in good shape. No.

Because I... We're gonna make defend myself. Women... I've seen statues. Yeah. You've seen the statue. You go to a fountain. Yeah.

A white people's fountain. David. David is Jack. Yeah. And you see, you know what I mean? A white man. Right. You're right.

He has either grapes. Right. Or... And he's doing this. Yeah. He's thinking. And he's also doing this hip, you know what I mean, thing like this. And he's just like pondering things.

Yeah. And he's like... Yeah. It's a real small dick. Well, we didn't start to get big dicks until the late 1800s. Oh, really? Hormones, milk and all that stuff. Really?

Yeah. Interesting. Everybody had small dicks. Is that... I'm serious. Historically, most people had small dicks. Are you making this up? No.

This is a fact. All right. Well, I didn't know I'm learning to something new. But think about it like this. If you think Mike... If you think David's... Yeah. Michelangelo's Dave, you think David had a small dick?

Uh-huh. In comparison to his body? Yeah. And the running joke about Asians having small... Imagine how small Asians penis were. What was regular for you folks? Well, they would save a lot of fucking cement or whatever. They would like...

We have some dust left over. There's his penis. Or gum. They took gum and just stuck it on there. Yeah. You're right though. You would have been back in... But the reason that women were beautiful because they were thick was because people could

eat. Eat meant you had money. But this is an interesting thing to talk about. Skinny meant you're poor. Because it's like socially, right, and our culturally, right, we deem certain things attractive. And don't you think it's just a consensus that we're programmed to think that someone would like a Brad Pitt that, oh, God, he is hot. You've stumbled when you talk.

He got scared. You started to drool when you talk about it. I got scared. I get scared sometimes. But yeah, when you look at somebody that you think that we're conditioned, you know... Yeah. No, but he's sub... No, no, no.

Something... Attractiveness. Yeah. And on that level... Yeah. Is not subjective. Yeah. Symmetry is attractive to us, right?

Yeah. So, symmetrical faces, clean, like smooth skin, no matter what the race is. Are you getting horny right now? No, because I've been thinking about this one incident when I was... So, before... I used to have this girl named Christine Portilla, but before Christine, right, there was this one girl and she was like from the Midwest. I forgot her name.

Good. But I remember I hung out with her like for six months. And we connected on a level that was pretty cool. And we... Yeah. Like the same films and music. We'd hang out all day. And then one night I go...

That was a comic. And this is right after Matt TV. So, it was like, you know... It was something that was a poor comic, right? You were doing fine. I was doing fine. And one night I went in for a kiss. Oh.

Right? And she did this. Oh. You know when that happened? What was she looking at? Anything but me. You know what I mean? Look.

You know what I mean? The skyline. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Or whatever. Cool. And then I go, oh, so I read it wrong?

She's like... There's just no way. There's no way? Yeah. I go, what? Just... Look. I just...

You're... Everything about you is just... There's just nothing. Really? Yeah. And I go... Six months of this? Yeah.

And I go... Really? Six months? I know. She goes... Friend. Friends. Hardy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So Hardy. Friend. Right? And then that's when I realized that like if I just looked a certain way, right?

Yeah. That maybe she would have done it. No. No. Because women aren't as shallow as men. Women will date a man that's unattractive. They'll just be attracted to them for other qualities, i.e. who you're with right now. Yeah.

If there just was no connection with you and that girl. No. Because I... No sexual connection. No. Because I'll tell you what happened. What? Not with her, but with somebody else.

Do you know Patrick... Swayze? No. Patrick Keen. Patrick Keen's a comedian. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So Patrick Keen used to live in Koreatown. Uh huh. Right? And there was another girl, right? Where she was an artist. Uh huh. And I begged.

You know what I mean? She was. For her to... Please let's make out. Right. She's like, no. No. Nope.

No way. No way. She turned away too. Another friend. And I didn't even go for a kiss and she turned away. You're making a lot of friends at least. I know. But then later, right, she...

I remember she brought paintings. This is before I was on Matt TV. Sure. And then she brought paintings to the comedy store, right? And she told a doorman. She goes, I didn't know that he would become famous. And I want to hook up with him again. You're like, hang out with him again.

And I drew him a painting. Nope. Right? No. No. You know, I got the painting and I threw it in the big dumpster. You know what I mean? In the store.

In the store. Yeah. Yeah. I've thrown only two things in that dumpster. I threw... I've thrown that painting in that dumpster. It was a painting of you. I don't think it was.

I think it was a painting of like Asians, like working on a... A farm? A rice farm or something. I would have liked that. Yeah. And then I threw away one of Sebastian's pairs of shoes. Why would you do that? Oh, man.

What he did was... What Sebastian Manoscalco did was blaspheme. What? So, I met the comedy store one night, minding my own business. Yeah. Here comes Sebastian. And he looks... You know, back then he used to wear like silk.

Red. You know what I mean? T-shirt. I made button-ups. Oh, yeah. Black slacks. Yeah. Right?

Dress shoes. Yeah. So, it's the shoes. I look down and I almost vomited. I went, huh? You know what I mean? I go, what the fuck is that? Right?

And he goes, oh, I just got this from, you know, online, from Italy. Right? And I go... It's a good impression, by the way. No. Please don't. Not right now. Not right now.

So... Oh, I just got this from Italy. So, what they wear were black dress shoes. Yeah. So, imagine black... and they're slip-ons. So, imagine slip-on black dress. Were they like Ferragamo's? Were they like...

Yeah, yeah. Which is fine. Yeah. But have you ever seen ninja shoes? Ninja shoes. Yeah, where like the... It was the toe. Yeah, the toe.

You could see the toe. Right. And then there was another section. His shoes were that? Yes. No. Leather, right? But with the toe.

Ninja turtle toe. Right. One big toe, another toe. Right. You go, look it. It's fucking, you know, futuristic or whatever, right? They've never done this before or whatever. And I go, how much were they?

He goes, I don't know, 125 bucks? I had $200 in cash. I'll give you 200 right now. And there was a bunch of comics standing around. Why did you want the shoes so bad? To throw them away. You just wanted... So, you bought him...

He took the shoes off? He took them off. He had like sandals in the car. Yeah. He goes, I got sandals. I go, here's $200. And people were laughing. Right.

Right. And I gave him the 200 bucks. And everyone saw it. I threw him in the dumpster. Did he see? Yeah. Blast him in the body. And he was laughing too.

Did he go get him? Oh, no, he could have. I bet you he went and got him. What a coward if he did. He's like, goodnight everybody. Climbing in the trash. Yeah, but so I've done two things. I've thrown that painting.

And that. And that. Why did Pat Keen come into that story? Where was Pat Keen? Because Pat Keen used to live in a shitty apartment in Koreatown. And she lived there. No. He used to have like people in the building hang out there.

Yeah. It was sort of like a gypsy gypsy kind of dwelling. I don't even know what that means. Just people coming in and out. Oh, like you mean like a traveler? Yeah. Yeah. It was like a halfway house.

Bohemian. Bohemian halfway house. Yeah. Come and go as you please. Yeah. And she used to hang out there. And I. But I think I've been thinking about.

But the gay thing, the bisexual thing. I think you're wrong because. Are you afraid of being bisexual? No, I have nothing against being bisexuality. No, no. You. Of you being bi. Are you afraid of you?

No, no. Because you don't think that I, you know, one of the who said a life not self-examined is a life not worth living. I think it was Socrates who said that. Sure. Right. So I've examined my life. You know what I mean?

I know what I like, what I don't. And I've gone internal. It's just natural when you see a hot guy to go, wow, that's a hot guy. Right. So what you read was, you know, I'm just going, oh, there's a specimen for you. What do you think? A hot guy? I just think if there's an opportunity that Tito Bobby could do something to a man,

he would. That's fucking crazy. That sounds fair. What, what, what gives you that idea? I just feel it. We got a little soothsayer over there. Right. So she can feel the vibe.

I know because she, I'll tell you what she's getting though. It's like, I tell jokes around the house. Right. Like, like it will watch a movie like Mad Max. You know what I mean? And then you were the first scene in Mad Max where you see Tom Hardy's back. Yeah. Right.

And he turns around and he has a lizard in his mouth. Right. Whenever he turns around, I go, you know what I mean? I'll make that noise to get a laugh from. Maybe that's a way of you covering up your insecurity about it. You could actually feel it and be weirded out by it and not know how to address it. Let me tell you something. You know who Tyler the creator is?

The rapper? Yeah, of course. Okay. He's a punk. This is before he kind of came out as, I don't know. I think he's pansexual means anything. Right. Isn't that what it is? Yeah.

I don't know what he came out as, but whatever. He used to come up to me all the time. All constantly. Yeah. And call me gay. Constantly. He'd be like, gay ass, gay ass red motherfucker. Yeah.

Every day. Yeah. And I'd be like, I'm not gay. I mean, I don't care, but why is he saying? Yeah. And he would say that all the time to people. And then years later when it came, I was like, oh, it's just because he loved playing with the idea because it was his truth to call, say things were gay.

Right. Right. Because he was cool. That was in him somewhere. Mm-hmm. So maybe it's in you somewhere. Well, here's where I'll- Because maybe you saying boink is comedy covering up for fact.

No, it's not that, man. It's like- You heard it here on Bad Friends. Bobby Lee is by- No, no, no, no. Please submit to- Stop, stop, stop. Give me some of that.

Bobo at gmail.com. I'm not denying. I'm not going to deny it yet, but let's explore it for a second. Okay. I want to. What I'm saying is that, like for instance, right, if there was a guy, a producer, of a huge movie. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. And you were going to get paid, the role was 2 million. You just knew they was going to change your fucking life in your career. I know where this is going. Right? So what I'm asking is, most guys would be like, no, I wouldn't suck that producer's dick for the job.

Right? Would you? Bobby Lee. Would you? I would not. You would not? You know what? Me either.

No, yeah, you would. Me either. Yeah, you would. Me either. See, you have to say it so loud because it's real. I'm not gay. That's like a 13-year-old. I'm not gay.

Me either, dude. How about this? Yeah. Give me a scenario. What if I told you, you're in the room with him and he said, I want you to just kiss me. I just like to be kissed on my penis, but I don't have to complete. Oh, like a, oh, like a, just a peck on the tip.

Like this. Oh, I didn't, I didn't even do, I didn't even do this. Right? That's what I'm saying. And I would do even do this at the end. Right to the tip. And do a lick. And he says, you have to do that for 10 minutes.

A lick? 10 minutes and then I'll give you the role. You have to kiss me on it, but I also- No, like I'm eating a vagina, but I'll do it on the tip of his penis. Right. You have to do that for 10 minutes. And he has to get a picture of it. Well, could I be laughing?

No. You got to take it serious. Because I'll be laughing my head off. And he wants to take one photo of it. Yeah. It's so funny because Kalayla, Kalayla, we were laughing at this idea of like a sex scene with me and some other male guy, right? And it goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

there's no- because there just certain guys, you know what I mean, like for instance, I talked to Joe Coy yesterday and I thought to myself, if I had to do, you know, a makeup scene with Joe Coy, I just wouldn't be- we would just be like, we can't do it. You'd be laughing the whole time. Because we would laugh so hard. And then I- And she goes, what about Santino? And I go, there is absolutely no way. There's no way.

You wouldn't do a sex scene with me. I just- It depends on the money. Okay. All right. I'm getting a million right. I'll do it. No, and then you we both have to be literally naked on the set. I'll do it No, no, no, stop stop. We have to we don't have to Do you know do tongues with the open mouth as we're making out? I'll do it I'll do it for the sake of the comedy. I know no, it's not it's a drama

I know but for the after but afterwards it's comedy. Okay. Do you really literally think? That first of all if it's a one day if it's just they're shooting it for one scene Do you think you and I people are believable that you and I are in love? Yeah, they could people at home think we're in love Yeah, that's why we do this show It would be they would take it would take a week to get that scene done sure but we'll get it would be laughing so hard But we'll get it. Yeah, I'm gonna do it because sign me up Guess what my best friend in the whole world. Yeah, baby my asshole. Well, I thought I was Well, you're okay. My next to your butt next to my yeah, yeah next year. I'll tell you something right now

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We were on that TV together. We did this geisha sketch where you know, you know And he played like this American soldier and I played a geisha. Yeah, and we were doing a montage scene Right, what do you mean? Like it was just like montages of me us making love Ah, you know me on a refrigerator, you know, just different places, you know, and then I goes Let's scissor Which wouldn't make any sense right makes a lot of sense to me So we got on this mattress and we got in the scissoring position and that we almost got fired We were laughing so hard. You couldn't get through it couldn't get through it

Tears coming down our face, right? So what I'm saying that I don't know if I could do it Would you do a kissing scene with a Eric Griffin No Why he's not my type. No, no be real. Why? He's not my type So I'm your type you're you're my type for Yeah, if I was gonna be a dominant sex. No, I'm the dominator

You're absolutely not in the same. Really? Yeah, you're the bottom. You're a little jelly. No, you're for sure the bottom But to break stereotypes Right and to do a different angle more inclusivity, right that you would have to be the bottom I just I could it wouldn't be possible. Yes, it would be you usually lay on my stomach on your stomach You'd crush me, right? I would lay bear it would imagine dude Imagine you layering laying bear think about it on your stomach with your pale Red white cheeks. Yeah, right. Yeah, me taking off my fucking pants, right? I love scenes and then me laying on top of you rolling rolling on top. I imagine though

What if I got a wrecked? What would you say? I'd I go figures Figures. Yeah, slip it in Slip it in stop being a goof. I said no to Eric Griffin too when Collina brought his name up. Well, who's gonna play it? What do you mean? Who's gonna play your lover who's gonna play this gay lover in the show? She was throwing Joe Coy in the in the mix Why don't you get a really good-looking guy and really test your ability? You really want to test Rudy's theory get a super hot guy to do it with like the guy that was just jogging We should just pull over you went apart. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, wait, what's up? Of course

Yeah, yeah, you should you should get a really hot guy to test your Rudy's theory might be right Who? Brandon Ruth, is that his name? I don't know who Brandon Ruth is. He was Superman Is he or is he like your crew celebrity crush? Well, I'll tell you it's weird because me and my me and my old lady have the same celebrity guy crush Brandon Ruth That guy. Yeah. Oh, you like him dude. Rudy is that guy good-looking? Yeah. Yeah, that was quick So click on one. I'll tell you my story with Brendan Ruth. Yeah So the casting that we talked to yeah, not my type again called in. Yeah, she had this weird part

So the two people she wanted maybe for it was either him or me same guy So we were sitting in the lobby together, right? We didn't say anything Yeah, we're just kind of going over our lines because he thinks there's no way you're out for the same role Yeah, I looks at you and goes well, we're not going out for the same thing But I looked at the sign-in sheet and it's the same character. Wow. Yeah. Well, they want diversity I don't know what it was, but I remember just going, you know when you read that That I'm we're going for the same part. I you almost want to leave. I would leave. Yeah, like you're gonna get this So I'm leaving. Yeah. Yeah, unless they're going for comedy, but I remember thinking like I did maybe five glances. I

Did this I was reading You're wanting him to return a glance you never did and then I didn't a longer one I went Do you know why why hot people don't see ugly people the way that we see them You're saying stuff I swear to God saying blast for me. I'm telling you that's crazy I've been around enough hot people. They don't look at us the same They look at us. They look through you a little bit No, they look at you like you're sort of like like you furniture, right? Like you might be able to your help I've had high-high hot people use me as furniture, right?

You know me like lean on me. Yeah, because you're I mean You know, you know what you know like someone like Oliver Hudson. He's better looking than I am, but yeah Yeah, right, and I remember one time we were when we were splitting up together. He the director was giving us notes Mm-hmm, and he kind of leaned on my head cute I know like this and I was just kind of like, you know, I mean just yeah, what do you do? Yeah? Thank you Oliver Yeah, yeah may have another you you're right. So they you look at you your objects You're kind of like in a hot guy in a hot person's world. We we are different colors You're not in the same category as me

Who because you me and you yeah, we do get lumped in the same. There's no way Because I'll tell you why we get lumped in the same as far as like red-headed men and get lumped in this like oh, he's the He's like a yeah, he's like One of the sad boys Put them in the no, no because I because there's things that I know about you Right things that happen to you that would never happen to me Okay, but that's so one of my point is is that you know Aside from show business. Yeah, right if you're just lining us up

Outside on the street. No one knew who the fuck we were and you would say who's better looking They would say neither and keep driving. You think so they go goodbye. You're both weird. Yeah, and they'd be gone That's when you and George though. So what's George then if we're ugly? What is George? George's um You see George is a nerd right a smart because smart ugly people are actually more coveted in their community and of the of the Nerds, he's kind of a good-looking nerd look on Valley exactly where he'd be killing it exactly When you're a nerd like George is yeah, and you're you're a full-blown Dork Freak a zoid nerd. Yeah. Yeah point Dexter doofus. Yeah, yeah

Then when you look like George, he kind of is the top end of good-looking dork. Yeah in the dork world He's up there because he doesn't have buck teeth, you know, he says like words I don't ever say like he probably at five times a day says this word algorithm algorithm Analytics algorithm Yeah, so with George, he's the top of that category, right, but let me say this let me jump backwards real fast Look, I am agreeing with Bobby. I'm not gonna go with you on this Jules that you're not bisexual You're just conscious of your of your you're comfortable with your manhood. You're conscious of your feelings Some men are like, you know other guys aren't good-looking. It's gross

But like I see a guy and I'll go sometimes I'll pass a guy With with my lady, you know, and I'll go Yeah, okay good and then she'll go and then she'll go No, I mean what I know and I know she's lying Right, of course you saw that guy. Yeah, the whole fucking Trader Joe's saw that guy Yeah, I wanted to follow him. Yeah, I wanted to go where he was going I didn't even need stuff from the frozen sex Yeah, I'm going there now because hot guys there because the shirts fall on their back just right

Yeah, their pants always fit the best their shoes are cool Also, they're their hair is just neat the way it just like lays what gets me Like I know he's not this episode is called. We're not gay. Yeah, we're not gay, but we are gets me I have a friend. He's an actor. Yeah, he's small like I am, but I think he's cute Mm-hmm. His name is Ashton Holmes. You know him. What a name. No, but what a name so he was in a movie called Um history of violence. I love it. Did you see that movie? No, but I love it. No, I didn't saw so he played Viggo Morrison's son in the movie and Ashton. I've had coffee with him, right? Yeah, and many times when I've had coffee with him I've been so focused on his he has wet lips. Yeah

And I know I'm drinking it right I try not to do it, right and he'll be talking about like he loves yoga Of course, you know, you know, so I was doing the downward dog Yeah, and he's talking about this thing about the downward dog, right? And I'm like, yeah, I know that's a difficult and I'll just kind of look at his lips And I'll just get lost in it. You know me. No, I'm not not in a gay way Not in a sexual way. What do you mean not in a gay way? Because your lips are so fucking dry. It disgusts me Why do that to keep keep you away from me? I don't want you to start getting turned on. Oh, you have naturally moist lips and you yeah, I dry out. You dry?

Before I come here, I put the hairdryer So like I'll be having coffee with Ashton and I'll just be kind of lost in his moist pink lips Yeah, yeah, it kind of looks like a pussy almost. That's why yeah, maybe the hot people are so hot Sometimes they're androgynous where you don't know, right? It's hot for a guy or hot for a girl It's the one in the same. Yeah, sometimes they're so hot. It doesn't matter what it is. Yeah, but that's just because they that's why I'm saying It's it's objective. It's obvious when someone's hot. We all go well that person's hot Yeah, that guy that was in a Draces movie that we showed last week Aiden Kanto the guy that was in the sitcom with me Yeah, I'm not joking when we would go to get lunch together and go to like crafty

Uh-huh the way that people looked at him Just to get lunch. Mm-hmm was like what a pleasant like like they brought he brought them joy by being so good-looking You go, hi, how are you and they're like hey? Yeah, they give joy and they're so nice and they're sweet he brightens them and then I go and I go Hey, what do we have pork loin today? And they're like, yes Yeah, take it and get the fuck out. Yeah, it's just hot hot people make people feel Vulnerable because they're better than us Yeah, it's it's almost unfair. They're better than us. You know that whole idea

You know how that whole eat this is what I don't I believe in God All right, okay, okay, but but this one when religious people say this yeah, and God loves everyone the same It's not true. It's so much beyond not your obviously has favoritism going on Yeah, like you just imagine like him making a Chris Hemsworth or a Tom Hardy, right? I'll give him talent, but let's spend a week on the face. I mean with me, right? Yeah, they went Right we're gonna make a billion of them go And he just threw them you know man. Yeah, not just one at a time in groups got I think God plays jokes

Yeah, he makes joke and then they say they gave me pimples on top of pimples. Yeah, what is what is that? Is that a bit? Like they were they were like getting getting drunk and he was just like pimples and he was like put him on top of the other Yeah, yeah, and that probably like Moses or somebody said to God why let's just see what happens. It's funny Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's funny. Yeah, and then like you see like some kids are born like as a Rockefeller Right, they're right and some kids are like born in some tundra in Africa, you know, I mean right with just famine Right war disease. That's the quick that was a there's not God doesn't love everyone the same It's impossible. It's impossible. It can't it literally can't be doesn't make any sense But also when you you stumbled up for a second when you said God, I do believe in a thing. I don't call it God

I don't like that. Yeah, what I mean by God. I don't mean like, you know, a Western religion version of I just don't like the idea of it Being some dude in the sky with sandals. I think that's absurd. Yeah, it's up. Yeah, it's absurd But I don't like it when someone does religious imposition like last night or a couple nights two nights ago I was with my friends and their baby, right? And we're out. We're walking in the neighborhood and a woman go is Clearly coming from the bar around the corner and she's tanked and she's like, oh my god. Is that a baby? Yeah No, it's not a baby in the stroll. What the fuck do you think this is? Yeah. Yeah, it's a fucking baby. Oh, yeah Oh my god. Oh my god. God bless and God bless you and the baby and she kept saying God bless over and over and over and it's almost like

Okay, but like God bless your baby and God bless the health of your baby. Yeah, what if my friends don't believe in God? Yeah, I'm saying God bless the baby. This is also what if God hates that baby? Yeah What if it's a really ugly baby? Yeah, so don't do that to the baby in the family Yeah, God bless you and God bless the baby. Maybe God didn't bless the baby. It's got one eye Yeah, religion is um one of those things that People because I understand it, right? We're a product of our environment, right? For instance, you know, I always told you know My Christian friends that like, you know, if I was born, right in a Buddhist colony somewhere in Tibet or whatever

I'm not gonna be a Mormon Right. No, I'm a fucking Buddha. You're just your whatever is around you. You get fed that stuff totally mold you And that's what you are until you decide. I don't want to do it anymore some most a lot of people do that or continue Yeah, and then so for me, it's like I wasn't raised right with any kind of religion really I mean I was baptized Mormon. You were yeah, you don't know that. I've never known that. Yeah. Yeah, do you know that? Yeah, that's moment. Yeah What Paul You know Paul Paul remember the phone thing that we that the invention that you made yes

Yeah, we sold a lot of those did really? Yeah, so so my uncle Paul's dad. Yeah was a Mormon And you got baptized a morning and he used to make us Get in the car Right, and I'm it's a Sunday. I imagine I was never even raised religious just one day My mom you have to get out that we have to go to the church So you'd go to I would go and then I was like I auditioned for the Mormon tapernacle choir What yeah, and I just I didn't even make it the first round because they could tell I put the bowtie on and everything right and I was Out get out

Right, so then I auditioned for that and then I would go and then the next thing I know. I'm in I'm in water How old are you? 12 I don't know really. I don't know how that was well because it in Kicking cat Catholics we baptize when you're a baby. No, I was and it like I had no I didn't have hair I didn't have hair until I was 19 or whatever Which was what it happened. I mean you were in water here when I discovered here, right? It was as if I won a billion dollars in the lottery. Yeah one here it kind of sprouted when I was like 19 Yeah, I was so excited. Were you in a tub? Where did you get baptized? It was at the the church the

The church in Poway where I'm from. I know but how big was where you know? It was like a like a jacuzzi Not somebody's backyard. It was the size of a jacuzzi, but square they have jacuzzi's at church Yeah, the Mormons are tight and they you go down these stairs I remember the water being really cold and I remember shaking because it was because I didn't want to do it Right like you know when you you're just going down and some white man old white hand, right? I imagine an old wrinklet. Why didn't he grab the back of your head and he slowly dunks you in right and then you're like You know I mean, yeah, you're in the water and you're like What am I doing? Yeah, does he say something while he's dunking you?

I don't remember because the Catholics they do a whole thing and they flip the baby and all that Baptized Mormon men and why didn't you continue Mormonism? I stopped and they and they would they're like what they're worse than like with the Lonely people they think they they hound you about coming back. Yeah every day. I would get phone calls Can I come back? Yeah, where are you? Right? This is my favorite earbeat bud of all time. I love these earbuds. I love music me to listen to audiobooks and pods Podcasts as well and there's nothing better to listen to them on right then read Raycon Raycon is the best man Like we've talked about them before they're affordable. They're stylish

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Think it was because I was number one born with that disposition disease right number two I think um would exasperated it you know me it was um The beatings from my dad yeah violent in a nature of my house right and that was molested see I think this is a thing Yeah, Rudy might be a Vaan to something because of when your dad used to tell you can't be gay Yeah, maybe that's cuz he felt like you might have been gay, and he was trying to beat it out of you Gonna beat the gay right out of you is what your dad was trying to do So subconsciously you might have a kid. I've told you that I don't know if I told you this but there was a kid at parties They used to just go come on chicken bush, and I would do it. Yeah, you told me that right

Yeah, so I remember when he used to grab my head to do that. I have his name I'm not gonna say it. Say it. No say it. We'll bleep it out. It'll be fun No, because I can't say it because it's like Beatles use he wrote me a let no it'll you say three times I'll come back and no no what happened was um When I was at the American comedy company yeah doing a weekend there I go into the you know the back dressing room or whatever that and um he's there's a note You mean on the table right and it doesn't say any kind of apologies. I'm sorry that you know I made you suck my dick. You know me ten times or whatever, right? It was like I have a family now

I have kids and I just want to congratulate you congratulate you on all your success and Here's my never feel ever want to hang out and like I'm like I'm gonna call that so that next next thing next thing you know I'm at his house right Yeah, all these bushes in the backyard In front of his family. Yeah, which one which one his wife is like do it. Yeah, so um What was I say? Yeah, but I remember him doing that and in when I was a kid younger and going was he the same age Yeah, and going I don't want to be doing this. I hated it. Yeah, you know, I mean, so I don't know. I don't think I'm gay

well that That's abuse. That's not What do you mean? What he was doing was abuse. It's not like you're like, oh, yeah, this isn't right for me That's not how like gay men hook up They don't get like physically forced into sucking random guys penises. He was cute though It's consensual before right, but I don't have any I don't have that. I'm not trying to fish to find out I have no I really thinks it's a fact. Honestly. Honestly, dude I don't have any even if like if I was like I

Went to like some sort of clinic. Yeah, and they did all these tests on me, right? And I went like a gay test. Yeah, just a gay test, right? They you know, I mean they got to know my history, right, right? I was completely they they injected me with some honest serum some, you know, truth serum truth serum What are that? Yeah, yeah, and I'm babbling off and if and at the end of it because when my dad died I went to that trauma place. I told you about that like last year They had this thing where all the counselors, right? All the therapists at this place put me in a gigantic kind of like mini gymnasium and they all had notes of

Analyzing me and they're telling me what's wrong with me. Whoa, right and everyone stood up Well, I did it, you know, I mean a two-hour session. Yeah, and I found this about him, you know, and So I if they did that and they said but there was one for gay people and they said we You know, we've done all the you know tests. Yeah, we think that he is 100% true Homosexual, you know, I wouldn't I would be like, all right, you would accept it Yeah, but I don't think that that would happen. All right, but it sounds like you kind of want it to happen No, I don't want it to happen and I'm gonna tell you another thing too. All right. Here's another thing to defend myself All right, I like it. You think there's a gay test. It doesn't matter. There's no but here's another thing. Yeah, is

I can't tell you the comics name, but there was a comic. I found I heard a rumor that he him and another comic guy sucked each other's dick in a movie theater and you get jealous No, I didn't get jealous So then I remember it. So the second time I had I and I remember watching him hook up with this girl, right? And he I remember this him going I Don't know what's wrong Right, sorry

Sorry, it's fine. Sorry Juliana, but then here's now you say sorry No, I know been 55 weeks of this something that this is new. So okay, good So 17 years ago when I got sober the last time, you know, I mean when I knew I was gonna get sober What I what I did was for a whole week because I lived I lived in silver leg Yeah, and I used to just invite comics and people over to my house, right because I'm going I'm going to rehab Right, so let's just come to my apartment. Let's smoke weed and drink whiskey all week long. Yeah, right Yeah, so we're watching platoon It was just platoon was on right and I was high and drunk, right?

And he said that he was on my couch. It was just him and I so What we're watching platoon? I'm high and drunk and now you have to imagine I hadn't been high and drunk in 12 years like right So could I had been sober for that long, right? And he goes hey, let's suck my dick, man Let's suck my dick. He goes suck my dick man from behind And I don't know if like if I was so high and drunk because I remember going just watch You know I mean yeah, and then I think he's come on man suck my dick, right and I was just like Pretending to not hear it. Oliver Stone is so talented Pretending not to hear it. You know, yeah, yeah, like if I had this you know, I mean horse horse blinder

This is what was happening, right? Literally, you know, I mean just focus on this, right? He's sitting next to you and then we're going yeah, I'm getting kind of tired man. Get the it was like seven 7 p.m. Get a little tired man. I get the fuck out of here. I'm trying to crash early, dude Yeah, yeah, let me ask you about this though because this actually happened today about the Asian accent thing Hmm, so I got offered, you know a very big movie With a very big star we not say who no, I don't want to because I because I talked to the director today on zoom Hmm, and he's nicest guy in the world. He's a huge fan. Who is the director? Do I know? I'll tell you later Okay, but he was just like you're right for the part and it's like a thick Asian accent and I'm just like I

Just can't do it but what I see I'm curious. I remember doing it when I was on the dictator Hmm, they didn't accent for that. Well, I love a George Clooney. He's an old-fashioned movie star. He gay. He sucked my dick No, those are just rumors Are you homosexual? I remember having a conversation with John Cho and I go is that weird? He goes I would never do it Right like I've never done it but he's but he's you know, what? You know, no, like a real actor I

Know yes, well, we're not real actors. We're comedic actors. I understand that but still it kind of like It kind of jarred me and hurt your feelings a little bit a little bit because he's like saying I'm better than you No, it wasn't that because you know, I you know, I it was he got some sort of lifetime like Asian excellence award thing that he wanted me to be the presenter I mean, he's always liked me and I always liked that right, but he knows that he's his skill level is different than yours Yeah, cuz he did beat me out of Herald cool 100%. Yeah, obviously. Yeah, I mean they put you in the movie. No less. Yeah, but listen, but um Yeah, so I whenever when he said that back then, you know, I mean, I had only done it like I'd curb

I didn't Asian accent. They was very funny though. Yeah, I did Asian accents for you remember Josh Yeah, Josh Gad Josh Gad and Billy Crystal had a show right. It was called the comedians the comedians Yeah, I did an Asian accent for that. Did they ask you to or you did it on your own? No, because it's Larry Charles I know so Larry Charles He did all three of them dictator. Yeah curb. Yeah, and That show I love Larry. I know I love him and he likes the way I do Asian accents So he just if he needs an Asian accent, he always calls me what you're gonna do it Also, you know, so like but then after John said that I was just like I just can't fucking do it anymore

It's just it's just but why do you think Asians don't have Asian accents? I? Think it's because if the character back in the day That's all they wrote us sure right and that's how they see us But back in the day there weren't a lot of American Asians yet until I was generation if I was in a show called Deadwood Yeah, that was playing a fucking, you know, I mean a Chinese man who was doing laundry obviously I would do an accent because that's what was around it fits the you know The environment, but you're saying there's no Asians in 2021 with in 2021. What I'm saying is is that I'm a guy in LA Right, right. It's like why do I have to do an Asian accent because you just came over here from Korea?

I understand that I just got here a year ago, right then get an actor What my argument is is that because it was written for like a 70-year-old you Asian man perfect, right? Like do you ever see the Matrix obviously the key master or whatever his name? You know me yeah that type of guy, you know mean they had one in John Wick to where it's like he's the medic Yeah, this old Chinese man, right? That's what it was written. You know that archetype Character type I mean and it's like get that guy, but he's busy. Yeah, well you're next on the list kid What do you do? Why do you do this? I want you to do an Asian? No, no, why why? Stop for a second

Why do you do this? The show no, no, no, why do you do? Why do you always right? I say one thing I do it for Rudy. I don't know. I'm asking you all right I say one fucking thing dude, right and you always take the opposing right point of view to fucking make my throat sore, right? Why do you do that? All right, let me start the it. Let's do it the other way, okay? Oh now I'm gonna agree with everything you say. I'm not gonna pose anything. I Enter okay now you answer you answer the question. That's right right that's great To create conversation conversation, right? We're making a fucking show here. Okay, all right. We're making a fucking show

So let's go. Welcome to bad friends. Let's go the other way then. Okay. All right, so they made me do they're making me do this Asian Accent. Oh, why would they make you do the exactly? Why would they do this fucking? 2021? Yeah, wake up. Yeah, this is good You you shouldn't ever do an Asian accent But I say that honestly because you're not good at it. I'm better at the Asian accent than you are And can I say something I mean it and I mean this? I mean you're making me so mad. You're making me so mad, but I mean this I would have to agree with you Really? Yeah Only because yours you look so Asian that when you when you do the accent they go this is fake

But for me, I look like me, you know, yeah, it was like one, you know It's like my Indian accent. It's cuz I grew up next to an Indian family Yeah, and I listen to them every day and and we would and I would just be able to impersonate it because it was monkey See monkey do yeah, so most people do an Indian accent and it's cliche you are I'm not gay. Honestly you are This whole episode it's been you know, whatever 40 minutes. We're just figuring it out. Yeah, like I'm not I'm not gay But I'd be okay if I was yeah because of who cares like if someday I figured out I was like, maybe I guess no I am you You continue to tell me that you're not gay with so many gay lived experiences

Yeah, you don't understand the vibe that you put out. Okay, I think other people think you might be sexually Open well, I read it on the internet because you've had more people say to you. Hey suck my dick Hey, let's go to have sex with it has to do with my size. No, it has to do with your vibe That shirts kind of gay Yeah, because you know what's so funny you have a gay vibe Maybe you're so funny because I was with I was at the Abbey. Yeah, you would it's a gay bar here It's the most famous gay bar here. I was at the Abbey right during the day. I don't know why I know why No, so anyway, I was at the Abbey and I was with a

Couple of guys Justin Martindale. No, I was No, I was it. Yeah, and we were just sitting around the Abbey I think because I was sober at the time right and I was just drinking like a Diet Coke or whatever and there's guy I was with yeah, right. He had a buddy that came that just kind of happened to see him Sure, right and he sat with us and then he put his hand On your pain on my leg like and start rubbing my knee and I go, whoa, whoa, dude I sit to him. Do I'm not you I mean, I mean, you know, I'm flattered Right and he goes, oh, I thought you just give off those vibes. You do and I go. Oh, I shouldn't be doing that

Well, it's hard it's your aura. It's your essence. All right, you give off a vibe of like I could be down Yeah, you're like a you're like a challenge. Yeah a guy a good-looking guy sees you and he goes look at that little pudgy challenge Look at that little fucking load of the earth challenge. I Think you're a you're a challenge. Yeah, that's a compliment. Yeah, right a gay guy sees me and he goes no chance No, see the Greg I equate it to this, you know, Greg Fitzsimmons, of course. Love them. Yeah, that's comic. Yeah So Fitzsimmons told me a story where back in the day when he was in Boston He was a young man and he goes one day. I just wanted to see if I was gay or not Test the water, right? So he goes I went to a park where I knew gay dudes were fucking in a what?

Yeah, no, I know that every city has a part as a part Yeah, people were fucking in the forest and they get in the woods in the woods, right? So he goes, you know, I just showed up there one day, right? And I was talking to him about it and he goes I walked into the forest and this guy comes up to me, right? Uh-huh, and he came really close to me and I guess Greg Pushed him. Yeah, and they just left the forest and realized he wasn't gay So he just committed a hate crime So when he told me that story, I was like, you know, that's me

It's like I I I've always been kind of curious about it and close to the edge Yeah, and I like being in close to the edge on everything drugs, right? Like I like Visceral movies, you know, I mean I like weird music, you know Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what has that has to do with being gay, but no No, but I'll tell you why because I'm whimsical in that way whimsical. Yeah, you are whimsical. Yeah, which is why you borderline I'm not gay Can you look up take a gay test? We should take you find out by the way, you say negative It's fine if I happen to be one. That's fine, but I'm just not one

I don't know why this podcast is turned into this well because because Rudy said that she thinks you might be and And let's let's take this quiz. Let's take this quick quiz and just to find out. All right, by the way This is from MIT develop. Oh, this is gotta be real then. Yeah Let's start. Let's try it. Okay. Why'd you decide to take the test Bob? Is that what yeah to check how gay you are? I'll read it to you. No zoom it in. Okay, zoom it in zoom it in pinch and zoom There we are. Okay, so Why did you decide to take this test to check how gay I am exclamation point to make sure that I'm straight exclamation point just to Have fun. Sometimes I have fantasies about the same sex

Go click on the second one Just to make sure that I'm straight. Yeah, right safety net Okay So have you ever looked at a person of the same sex and felt attracted in a sexual way? Let me let me read. Okay, go ahead Yes, have you ever looked at a person of the same sex and felt and felt attracted in a sexual way? Yes, all of my crushes are same sex. Yeah, sometimes, but I also have a crush on the opposite sex Never I'm not gay at all. Uh-huh very rarely, but there were a few moments when I really like someone of the same sex Give me four. Okay, so very rarely, but there were a few moments when I really like someone of the same sex

Yeah, give me four perfect If your best friend confessed to you that he is gay You would feel delighted and welcome him or her into the club get excited and start flirting with him or her Make a joke about it or tell him or her that sometimes you feel attracted to the same sex to third make a joke about it, right? Have you ever worn or fantasized wearing clothes of another sex all the time? Sometimes we're probably not going public like that never or rarely, but sometimes I may wear my partner's clothes outside. I Think it's four. Yeah, rarely, but you actually sometimes wear Kalilah stuff. Yeah, how frequent are your same sex sexual fantasies? All of my dreams are about the same sex most of the time never or rarely

How many frequent are your same sex? How many times you have a dream about the same sex? You've never had a dream with another guy in it. Nope. You sure? Yeah All right, there were no people left in the world except for someone of the same sex You would be happy as no one would ever flirt with you ever again be disappointed that you're losing out on another sex Or fall into despair as you will never have sexual partner ever again Probably three fall into despair. Mm-hmm. Okay. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yes, I do it all the time once or twice no way or I love kissing people regardless of their sex third no way Yeah, you've never you dick, but never well. Why can't we make that the same thing?

There is the same thing. They're not the same thing. I know you went to third base instead of first Somebody they're so sensual and they're saying this passion. They're saying did you ever hit a single and you're like well? I got a triple. Yeah, that's not what the question is. I Would I think for your sake? No, no, no I Want to answer the question. All right, you did never I only never you only like the opposite sex. No way No, wait, we're on it. We're on a new one We went forward. Okay, if your partner offered you a threesome with someone of the same sex

You would feel excited about it be confused never or do it as long as do it because I don't care about the sex of another person Be confused, but I would probably do it never. I'm the I only like here's the problem I was said it's a really good-looking guy. Okay. Here's the problem with that There should be a fifth one in there, but there's not I know but can I give you the fifth one? Yeah, is I would do it just as long as I don't have to touch the guy Okay, so I think that would be do it as I don't care about the sex of another person Yeah, but I think that that's you know, I mean that's not what the question that they're asking was close as we can get I think it's do it. I think you'd do it is because I would go through a never yeah

I don't I don't like that answer. Yeah. Yeah, but I think but I think you're lying because you want to break the gay test No, I'm not trying to break it. I'm trying to answer as honestly as I can So what you said then as long as you don't have to touch the guy then that would be to be confused But you'd probably do it. Okay, go to that's right Would you be comfortable with a gay colleague flirting with you at work while I do this almost every week? Sure, it's a lot of fun. I guess so it depends on the situation I would feel very awkward about it or it's never appropriate to flirt at work for never appropriate to float away. Yep. It's not appropriate. Okay Your friends decide to go to a party at a gay bar. You would feel like you're going home. Let's party

Get excited to go check out a new venue feel threatened or uncomfortable or get secretly excited as you always wanted to check out a game Second get excited to check out a new venue. Yeah. Yeah, I like new things. Yeah You're 54% straight 45% by that's right on the line kid Right down the line Wow, I'm 54% straight. So I mean that and that's Yeah, one of those questions, let me tell you something you could read it you can read it that way one of those questions Oh, because you're reading a glass half empty if you read a glass half full It's I'm 45% by or gay. That's a lot of by gay. That's almost half of you is by gay. Yeah. Yeah, so

Yeah, huh. I want to vote. Let the fans vote. Yeah. Yeah, let the fans vote because you know This is as close as we're gonna get to accuracy. Yeah, but let me just look at it. Can I do my final? Let me have a final say here final plea for your sexuality. No, I'm not pleading for anything I'm accepting what are the although the one of the questions I was coerced into doing you weren't coerced I think you were trying to lie your way out. I wasn't laying. Why I wasn't I was being coerced in it I think that you know, I mean the one about you mean having my fucking the threesome the threesome was coerced It's only because because your answer wasn't there, but the closest I wouldn't what there's I wouldn't do it. I Did I wouldn't want it the guy that was jogging that you and Rudy saw. Yeah, but I don't want it

He comes up to the car and goes Bobby Lee. No, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it And he goes all I want so I think that I'm 25% No, you're not the results are in no because of that question. Anyway, let me do my final 45% bye. Let me just do my last defense the name of this episode Let me do my last offense. Yeah, okay My defense is this yeah Is that um, you know, I was highly sexual as a kid. Yeah, you know and From where I was raised the area that I was raised in right it it was

95% white. Yeah, right San Diego San Diego from this is the area that I was the most white place in Southern California so um and It was you know, you have to understand that I went to high school in the 80s. Mm-hmm, right? So the only You know asian right now. There are a lot of women They're being raised with you know all kinds of information out there in terms of like what they can be with their condition to think You know, I mean because there's you know, we have now K-pop and people love, you know BK what's a BLM?

What's that? What BTS BTS, you know young, you know, I mean white American girls like BTS, right? Mm-hmm and Because of the internet and whatnot, right? They just exposed all kinds of things, right? Sure But back when I grew up, they didn't have that, right? So it's like when they would look at an Asian guy, especially white chicks, right? There was just no sexual feelings toward them. Plus. I'm not like a BTS looking one. I'm for mr. Miyagi Yeah, like smaller, right? I am I'm more mr. Miyagi, right? I'm smaller. I look like I'm good at clipping, you know trees

Pond bonsai trees or whatever their sushi your Panda Express. Yeah Okay, okay. Yes, I had to I'll absorb that. Okay, so So imagine being high so highly sexual. So it's like I remember like going to my friend's house my friend Alan Meadows For instance, right? I know that his dad had a lot of pornography So I used to go over there, right and go, hey, let's look in your parents' room because they're at work You know me and so try to find pornography and I would take one of his magazines I would shrug off to whatever right there were never male ones, right? I was you know and in high school

No one really I wanted to you know mean hook up, but I was highly sexual, right? So, you know, I also was on drugs and stuff and what and I used to get drunk a lot and drugs So it's like the little gay, you know, I mean exposure that I did or behavior, right was um out of necessity You know just because just wanting You know me some sort of connection with somebody sure not right until I became a stand-up when I was 23 And I could just get regular chicks because I had confidence and talent and ability and so it's like You know am I gay? I don't think I am am I 45% bisexual? I don't think that I am. I think so And

And I think that so if you're saying you're not gay for the sake of your father. No, I don't give a fuck Why would I care? He's not around anymore. I understand. I don't care. He can't hurt you for being gay. If I was gay, I would be out I don't give a shit. I'm out about everything. I'm the most honest podcaster out there. I know, but why are you yelling then? I don't know why for entertainment. No, I know, but you know what it really is. What look at me Yeah, shut the fuck up. Look at me. Bobby look at me. Shut the fuck up, dude. Bobby. Yeah Yeah, I look I have a lot of gay friends, and I would love to add and I have a lot of gay friends I want to add you to that list fine. I was coerced. I'm 25% 20% 45 that that Rudy What's how much how much how much is he?

50 50 You think that I'm 50% bisexual Yeah, she does. Yeah. She called it from the jump. Yeah. I shot another commercial. Can I show you a commercial? I sure show him the commercial that I shot a beer commercial When I played baseball I could hit the ball halfway to China so I figured I could do the same thing with a golf ball. No way But after digging up some turf, there's nothing we like better than cold Miller life It's less filling and it's got that big taste as hackers appreciate No matter where you play

Shot that commercial a couple months ago for Miller light hit the ball all the way to China It's at my point. That's my point Because I know back then. Yeah, that was cool if I was an actor. Yeah, you would have done that would have been the part That's the only part I know available to me. Oh, I don't know. I don't know what happened Imagine going to Juilliard. Yeah, we're you're an Asian actor and the next year But you know, yeah, I mean and then all of a sudden that's it you got paid So if I was like like you weren't let's say I was I understand why that's not appropriate I work at an agency. You're my boss. Yeah, right and I give you the script for that. Yeah

So basically, it's just like, you know, three white guys and a black guy. Yeah, they're playing golf That is the by the way, that's I'm blown away that is as as racist as the commercial was I can't believe they added a black guy to the group. Yeah, because this is pre Tiger Woods, right, right? Yeah, yeah, this commercials like it's like let's be racist against Asians, but we do want a black guy Right, right. Go all the way. So anyway, so here's the script and it's they're playing golf and he goes, you know I am so strong that I can hit a ball to China I used to be able to hit a ball halfway to China, right? So he drinks a beer the way halfway to China would be the ocean go ahead

Yeah, he drinks a beer and then he hits the ball all the way to China. No, no check it out. Yeah, but then you cut to the ball Landing in China on a golf course. Oh, I love it. And then you have four Chinese monks. They're not monks. They're just in like they look like they belong in Mortal Kombat Yeah, I mean, you know the that you know, I did say it was Sub-Zero was there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and They they get confused. They have the accent. Obviously. That's what's funny about it. Yeah, well, what's going on here? Right, I mean, and what do you think of it? Let's put it on the air. Let's do it. Yeah, I think it sounds like That but that's I get look as that I'm using that as an example of why it's a coincidence that you talked about not doing the Asian accent I get it. Look, I get that that's absurd

Yeah, it's when you I get it, but it's it's back to the coronavirus the kung fu shit that you know, I mean People were saying stuff at that. That was funny. I know but now you can see the real consequences Yeah, it was a real thing of old Korean people Asian people. Yeah, are getting beat down in the middle of you know In during broad daylight, but you should just but you but as a Korean you should just tell them if a bunch of thugs They're like, hey China boy. I just think I'm Korean That would they'll leave you alone. Can we live in a world though that they did that just doesn't come up? No, of course not of course not Why you're never gonna get rid of racism. That's insane. I know it's funny because it was founded on because I you know

I remember last episode I talked about watching Ken Burns Vietnam, right? You taught me a lot, but now I'm watching the Civil War. Oh but you're so far Boring wasn't fun, huh? But first of all, right? Yeah, the music. Well, there was no good music That was the music right right and it's like there's no buddy that they could Interview that was actually there. Well, they didn't let black people make story act then so you're not gonna have any good music yet That's the point that check it out. Hmm, you know like

You know, we have deep philosophical type figures like James Baldwin back in the 60s and 70s, right just a brilliant rider, right? You have like, you know Black people obviously are so talented on every in every area. Okay, right? So you imagine though when you're watching this that a Civil War documentary of how many of those people that were slaves They're actually geniuses I never got a chance to show them ever had the opportunity You know To show off, you know in who they are right are right. That's the fucking crazy part

Well, then they got then then that's why the the war was fought over that being part of the biggest Yeah, but they could we could have lost it That's what's crazy about. Oh, we didn't I know but my point though is that if we lost it You're saying what would the world be like now? What would America be like? Yeah, and also you look at so during the insurrection January 6th, some fucking guy had a Confederate flag just walking around the Capitol inside, you know, yeah And yet it realize how Absolutely fucking insulting that is People still think that way sure, right and it's like you're never gonna get rid of it. It's so

Sad, I know but let's look at it like this if we're being serious Yeah, well, I'm trying on the scale of racists, right? Yeah, we're good America's good. Everywhere is racist. We have this weird idea that we're the only country that's racist I told a joke in my special about getting Costa Rica I saw them beating a guy in the street. Yeah, I asked why yeah, and the guy said cuz he's from Panama Yeah, they don't like him. They don't like him in his collection of friends that come over here People are racist all over the how do you like do the Japanese like Chinese or the Korean? You guys like each other now. Yeah

No, yeah, no here in America But a Japanese mainland a man that's born raised Japan in Japan right now. They don't like the Chinese Every the whole world is racist my friend. We're not the only ones Everyone is racist everyone is racist But I think to get through without we're just we're just good. We're alien. We show it off If we had an alien invasion, I think that would unite us Do you? Yeah, cuz it's like if if this like like independence day, right? If this gigantic alien race came and they were gonna devastate our planet

We would have to unify and then I think that we would get through so you think we'd come together I think also it's like there was a lot of like the Vietnam War, right? There was a lot of You know white kids from such the suburbs or the Midwest that never grew up with black eyes, right? But because they were now sent right onto the battlefield, right? They were brothers They they they would you know if one died they would carry their body fucking You know thousands of fucking feet right again into a helicopter I mean they would risk their own lives just to save their fellow Americans

My point is is that we should all be in the army No, my point is is that we I think that we need some sort of outside You know I mean element to unite us Well, so you want to get invaded? Yeah, so aliens should invade us and I think we'll come together It would devastate probably most of the planet, but the ones that survived I think you know Would be because we came together over race. Yeah, I don't know how funny. That's not funny It's just and I know it's very it's very real Do you are you racist at all Rudy?

No At all That sounded really the hesitancy was huge. No, but oh here's the but there's always a but I don't I don't I don't It's my own skin that I don't like No That's so sad What do you mean you don't like your own skin?

No, cuz like when I lived in the Philippines Filipinos hate on other Filipinos because their skin is darker Racism see so they use like whitening products And everything right you want to be they want more light skin. Yeah, what what who is who are the Philippines? Who are people in the Philippines racist words? Themselves and outside of that who else though Nobody Yeah, well it isn't it's islands, so you know there are yeah, that isn't interesting the thing about like you know

Wanting to lighten up your skin. Yeah, yeah bleaching one skin Yeah, that's it I mean that but that's a big deal in many brown cultures, right? That's like a common theme and look at Andres Yep Andres is a light-skinned Latin person. Yeah, right. Yeah, he thinks and he said this to me He's better than dark-skinned Latin people. Isn't that right Andres? That's right. See Because he has lighter skin he thinks he's superior Yeah

Wow, that's real isn't it Andres? Yeah So Andres when you're like if people is if like a you know, let's say just some southern white guy looked at you and go You fucking Mexican wetback or whatever you might say. That's how they say hello. You're right. Would you be offended by that? Of course But you but you tell him I'm not yeah, I'm Spanish and then you'd be like oh my bad You would you'd say what? I flew here. I didn't wet my back. Whoa, that's a good comeback I flew here first class. What if the plane was warm?

What did he say? Oh, I didn't hear what he said. Can I repeat what he said? Sure, what did he say? So he did a stock 1950s vaudeville job. George? Yeah Yeah, I mean I flew here boy my arms tired is what he fucking just said So going back to King of the Nerd type of shit. Yeah, it's not even though but that but that reference though is so fucking old So annoying. It's like you know when stand-ups go, you know, I mean don't bother me when I'm working I don't go to your job and smack the dick out of you know, right? It's like that fucking hack it You know, I'm available for children's parties Try the veal. Yeah, yeah

You know what when we do a bad friends tour? I want I want George to come open for us Oh, he has to MC. Yeah. Yeah Can you do 15 George? I've got five on food times and then I've got five more We should we should also get right jewels right her at one minute Yeah, you have to come. We already talked about this. You have to come along Would you do would you do performer for how many people you think we can get in a theater couple thousand to a couple thousand right? So would you perform her for a couple thousand people?

One minute. No, you could do one minute. You gotta do more than one minute. One minute is so fast. Yeah. Yeah So fast three Three's good. Three's good. It's a solid amount. Do you have a joke lined up right now? Jewels when you're bombing three minutes is an eternity. Yeah, it's like an hour Yeah, yeah, it is you're just in a sea of sadness. It's shocking how scary it is when you when you when you're bombing It's like when it's silent and you know, you're bombing and they hate you Oh, it's the worst and you still have to finish. Oh, I mean, I can't wait for you to go through that Me too. Yeah, well, what would you do?

Cry and then run away. No, no, no, no, they'll love you. They're gonna love you Rudy's got some songs Rudy's got some songs, but you have a presentation today. Yeah, I'm excited But you can't get this Oh, yeah It's good. Nice. Who does this? Pause it. Who's doing this? Fans, I wanted to recreate because we legally can't play any song on here because YouTube bans us all the time So the song Rudy. That's a good song. Rudy. Let's hear the other one a little bit

Oh, Rudy I wish your heart would belt with mine Sometimes I can't breathe The original? No. Yeah, this is an original But I think of you on online and we could have babies and I'll leave you at midnight because red and head Asians make a man leave your site I'll still be with you just away from those kids. We can't get Boba or some other cool shit Rudy This is good

Really good song. This is really good. The first one was good too. Shout out to that guy. This is an original This is his song. Yeah It's your boy C nasty Don't worry. You're going to be able to actually understand the words in this song Okay Pretty good. That's pretty good. Pretty good. Little too aggressive for me. Yeah Okay, Rudy has a presentation. Let's hear the pre this is good because now you're going back to school so we want to make sure that you're you know that you're ready for school stuff Since I forgot what show Tito Bobby was in I wanted to apologize and be the better person so I'm going to have a presentation and be right

Great Background of Mad TV. Mad TV. Mad TV was an American sketch comedy television series and first premiered on October 14 1995 The one-hour show first ran on Saturday night at 11 p.m. on Fox. Its rival was a Saturday night live. One of those is still around Yes. Mad TV was pre-tape and consists of sketches, cartoon shorts and musical performances. The show went for 14 seasons and won 12 awards including seven Emmys Did you ever get an Emmy? No. That's the beginning Palmer The key cast members are like the important The most important people in the show

Successful Yeah, we're Ike, Baron Holt, Debra Wilson, Nicole Sullivan, Erie Spears, Will Sasso, Phil Amor, Alex Bernstein, Mo Collins, Michael McDonald, Jordan Peele And also Keegan Keegan, yeah Keegan was Keegan Next slide. Nobody else. That's it Curriers. Mad TV was the top sketch comedy show and it helped launch careers for a lot of people that we know are really famous today Like Artie Lange, Michael McDonald, Alex Bernstein, Keegan Michael Key, he was in Lion King, The Live Action, Toy Story 4 and also the host of Game On Wow

And Jordan Peele Wow Who also won Those guys did a lot of great stuff Alright, next slide Wow And then there was Bobby Lee The first and only Asian cast member DC Comics owned by Mad TV parent company Warner Brothers

Is run by chief creative officer and famous comic book illustrator Jim Lee Who was also Bobby's cousin Interesting Connie Chung is his most famous character because during the show he shit in his panty hose Time out Jim Lee is your cousin? No, I don't know, no Jim Lee Wow, liar

Next slide, liar We see how you got the job And the end of Mad TV Mad TV had a long complicated history of Fox And because of that, Fox reportedly decided not to renew Mad TV when production costs became too high given the show's low ratings, 4.5 out of 10 Ended May 16, 2009 And as a result, Mad TV never escaped the shadow of SNL That's the funniest shit I've ever done

Fucking, she gives the 4 on IMDB rating Unfortunately, never escaped the shadow of SNL Devastating You were there for when it mattered, baby No, I was in the last of it The last of it was very recently, they just did a season like 2 years ago Oh yeah, that was a You were in the heart of it

I was in the heart of it, yeah They did it now, they did it again With comics that we know And I was on it Would you do a cameo or something? I did 3 episodes Did you really? I didn't know that

I did one where Ike is revisiting the new Mad TV set This was so embarrassing And he was looking through the dressing rooms, the same dressing rooms And I was still living in the closet But I was like a caveman I think I jumped out of a hole I've been here since, you know what I mean Well, the sketch is good on the new show

Because we know guys on it, Adam and Amir Yeah, I thought it wasn't going to work But it was still fun to do To see everyone, you know That's nice Same producers and you know Anyway, I'm not gay Right, so that's what we came to

You're gay I'm 45% bisexual You're gay It was still a fun episode to do It was a great episode And the fans will decide And the fans will decide Thank you for being a bad friend