Bad Friends - Judge Rudy's Court

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

Thank you to our sponsors: http://bluechew.com code: badfriends & http://buffy.co code: badfriends & http://babbel.com code: badfriends & http://headspace.com/badfriends Subscribe to our YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube 0:00 Our Review: Queens Gambit and The Core 5:10 Signs vs. The Sixth Sense 11:23 Who Loves Dogs More? 21:20 Bobby Gets Served: Judge Rudy's Court 47:00 Bobby's Bad Week 52:05 Our Sitcom Characters 57:10 Andrew Moved To Tears at Denver Comedy Works 1:00:30 Christmas Tree Shopping 1:02:35 Bobby's Mom Sends a Text 1:05:30 Bobby's Warzone Victory More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Jenna Sunde, Joe Faria, Andrés Rosende Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor. It's the easiest way to make a podcast Let me explain. Oh, please. It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more. Go ahead You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob?

Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Why dude? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something. We're bad friends. Are we ready to go you guys? We are. Okay. We are. We are. We are. We are. We are. We are. Ready to go. We are. Ready to go. See. I was what I've been watching that show Queens Gambit. Oh, and he looks like both George and him look like people that should be in that show. George looks like the creepy guy that tries to have sex with her at the beginning, right? Right. Right. Right. Right. And also, um, what's his name? Andres. Andres looks like a guy that like, you know, he's at the booth signing people in and he's questioning her like, you know what I mean? Like, our girl's even allowed to play chess, right? And then he gets his ass kicked. He has that kind of like, you know what I mean? Who do you guys think you are in the show? Do you think you're somebody else, George? That's who you are.

I'm the Swab guy. Is there a Swab debonair guy? No, there's not a Swab debonair. You're not Swab? You're not Swab at all, George. You're greasy, dude. You're clumsy. You're super clumsy. You're a used car salesman. You are a used car salesman. That's what you are, George. A used car salesman. But what dealership, by the way?

Oh, not even used shit cars. Yeah, like, oh, like, they're not... Like, 80 years from now, in the future, Prius is from now, he'll be selling. You're a junkyard car dealer, George. And Andres is... Andres is... The guy who plays Fast Chess really well. Fast Chess. Fast Chess really well.

No, you're not. I play Fast Chess. You're the guy in 20 moves, she beat you. Yeah. And then you, the next episode, you're the guy that says, Yeah, I just decided to become an engineer. Right? Like, you quit because of the heat. Yeah, 100%.

What a great show, though. It's a phenomenon. Are you finished? I'm on episode eight. Love it. I don't know exactly what happens. The... Didn't you finish, Root? Yeah, I did.

She did. So good. It really is a well-done show. So wait, are you watching it by yourself, or are you guys are watching it together? I'm watching it with Calyla. Oh, okay. She's already seen it? Yeah.

So we're just kind of re-watching it, but what a good show. Did you watch it? Are you watching it again? No. No, you're over it. Once is enough. I can't watch a show more. I know people that do that all the time. They're like, I'm re-watching The Office from the start.

I'm like, I can't do that. Well, I've seen... I've seen every disaster movie, probably a thousand times. Like, I've seen Volcano. Oh, yeah. Probably 200 times. I've seen Deep Impact a thousand times. What about Twister? That's not... I'm not... I didn't know.

It's a good movie, though. It's okay. Really? Yeah, I think the graphics aren't as good. Well, of the time... It was very pretty good. What was the worst... What's the worst movie that you've watched multiple times, and you don't know why?

The Core. The Core? Yeah. What is that? I don't know what that is. The Core is a... The Core is a disaster movie, right? Yeah.

And so, you know, so when you think of disaster movies, you think, what, Meteor? Right. Right. Let's say Sonami. Those are sort of Sonami. The World Ending. The World Ending, right?

Or some sort of thing, right? So they came out of... They came... They ran out of ideas, Hollywood. So they went, what do we do? What do we do? And so they... So this one is the Core of the Earth. It just stopped spinning. What?

Yeah. Like the world ceases to spin. No. Just the Core. You know, the molten... Oh, oh, oh, oh. The metallic, you know what I mean? It just stopped spinning.

And then... And then gravity dissipates, and then the solar winds come and destroy the Earth. So the only way they can... So the only way they can save, right, is to get to the Core of the Earth, right, and get it to spin again. What? So they create a ship to go into the... And they have great actors, Hillary Swank.

What? Aaron Eckhart. When did this come out? I don't know, 12 years ago, maybe. Who else? Wait, wait, wait. Stanley Tucci. Spoiler alert, spoiler alert.

Yeah. How did they get it to spin? What was their... You gotta go to the center of the Earth. And run as fast as you can around it. No. Then you release Hussain Bolt. What does it say?

Is it Saddam Hussain Bolt? No. What's his name? Hussain Bolt. Yeah, Hussain Bolt. Yeah. Have him run, right? Right.

No, they put... Michael Phelps. No, they put little nuclear charges and detonate it. So it would create inertia to keep... Yeah, to create inertia, right? It didn't work. It does. That would have bad...

This is such a bad movie. I know, but it worked. That's what I love about it. Fancy, you laughed because you've seen this movie? I have, yeah. And did you like it? It's a bad movie, but I enjoyed it. Would you watch it again?

Like Bob has seen it more than once? Yeah, I know the director, too, so it's a... He has a director. What does he do now? Industrial film for Southwest Airlines? No, he's a post-made striver. No, he's a pretty cool guy. What does he do now?

He does TV shows. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which one? What kind? He was doing the Borges. Oh, that's a really good show. That's a good show. We take...

Shut up, you fucking... Shut up, George. You car sale, you... Yeah, if we want a Prius a thousand years from now, then we'll come to you, okay? Yeah, we'll call you. We'll give you a ring. We're a fucking piece of shit.

Let's give a shout-out right now to my pup cub. I brought Cub's cubby to the universe because why? I brought Cubby because I got a FaceTime call from Kalyla and you three nights ago. Yeah. And the argument that was going on inside of your house was what? Go ahead. What do you mean?

You had an argument that I don't love my dog. No, no, no, no. That's not what the argument was. That's what she said. I understand that, but see, now I have to share my worldview when it comes to white people and their dogs. Okay, go ahead. I don't want to share that because it's going to cause anger...

Between who? ...between me and the whites. The whites don't like you. We took a vote. The whites... I've been down many white vaginas. We like you. Okay.

You can make fun of us. It's not making fun of us. It's just something that I... Do you think whites aren't good with animals? No, that's not what I'm saying. You remember the fucking lady, Jane, whatever, when lived in the jungles and lived with the monkeys? Jane Goodall, yeah.

Yeah, Jane Goodall. Yeah, so I know they love them. So what is it? Yeah, but it's like... We love them too much? No. Okay, do you ever see the movie Signs? With the water?

What? No. I'm like Shyamalan's movie Signs. Yeah, yeah. The water. The water that killed them? Oh, yeah. The aliens, yeah.

Yeah, it was like the worst fucking... You can't just see water, right? You can, because everyone remembers that was the worst plot. They were like... And all it is, is water that hurts them. It's like, what? That's what fucking M. Night Shyamalan came... Swing away, right?

The baseball bat thing? Amazing movie. It was so... One of the best movies. Andres, help. Fancy, help. I really like this movie. Yeah, I think the movie's amazing.

It was one of the worst movies he made. Because you don't... No, it's not. Yes. It's... It's a sleeper. It's the... Were you gonna say it's the one?

The sixth sense is, I think, the one. No. I think that Signs is his best movie. And that sixth sense is second. You're fucking insane. It's such a good fucking movie. Bobby, you're doing this just to argue with him. I swear to God.

I fucking love Signs. You think that's better than the sixth sense? 100%. The only thing that Sign... That sixth sense had, that was great. Was the greatest plot twist? Tony Collette. Great actress.

You're so annoying. You never saw that coming. You never saw the plot twist coming. Yeah, the surprise, but dude... That's the whole thing. But I didn't... But when my brother and I watched Signs, right, I'm not kidding you, dude. My brother and I held each other's hand, right, I did the movie, and we started shaking,

right? And we looked... You know how you cry in a movie, right? Sure. You can't really see the tears until you lock eyes and the glare of the fucking screen hits my fucking tears, and I saw my brother's tears, and we looked at each other. And we started shaking, and then we burst into laughter, because it looked ridiculous that we were crying at the same time.

And then we... My brother and I remember us walking down the street for like two hours, going, is that the best movie we've ever seen? So yeah. No way. Yeah, because I'll tell you why I like the movie, and this is... Okay, it's... Fancy.

Is sixth sense better than Signs? Yes. Yes, thank you. I didn't think so. But can I have my own opinion? No. Yes. I'll tell you why I also like it, all right?

And this is the thing, it... Like the movie, right? It's like, because my brother... This is gonna sound so dumb, and I wanna dive into this, but I'm going to, right? Please, please. Just defend myself, right? But because my brother and I, right... I don't even want to speak for my brother, I want to speak for myself, all right?

That I believe in some weird thing, which is a higher power. I believe in higher power too. Because of my... But it's because of my... You're 12-step proud. I know. I'm not dumb. I know.

What I believe is that, this is what I believe, is that I believe that everything happens for a reason, there are no coincidences, right? And it's like, there have been too many things in my own personal life, and I'll give you an example, right? If I can give you real, deep examples of why I believe, right, that I'm taking care of, you know what I mean? And I don't believe in Jesus. I just believe that when I see a coincidence, I think that it's like something that was

meant to be, right? Sure. Sure. So, that's what the movie's about. Yes. So, the switch for me, I didn't know that the little cups of water around the fucking living room that the little girl leaves around all the time, that, you know what I mean? That that was all meant to be to kill the aliens, right?

And the kid had asthma, right? Yeah. So, that the poison doesn't go... What? Spoiler! Fuck you! If you haven't seen signs yet, you can fuck yourself! He's right.

That's true. He's right. No, no, no, you're right. If you haven't seen signs by now... Yeah, yeah. Jump off a roof. Thank you. Yeah.

Right? So, all those little things when it happened at the end, yes, in retrospect, it's cheesy. Beyond! All right. But, at the time, right, my brother and I went, oh, that's why the water, right? And then... No. Oh, he had asthma because...

Right? And then, you know, and then the mom being cling to the tree, the car hit the mom. It was insane. If she was dying, right? Right? And she goes, swing away, Meryl. Swing! All right?

And then, that's why she said it and he grabbed the thing. And then, he said stuff at the time when I was watching it, it hit me because I related to it. It seems like they just inserted a bunch of stuff that, like, he got... You know what it seems like? That Sixth Sense was such a banger, was such a banger. And they were like, dude, you got your sophomore albums, gotta be as good as the freshman one. And then, he just, like, compiled a bunch of weird, dumb tropes, like, and the boy has

asthma and the aliens killed him. It was like he was just... It was a third movie, by the way. Whatever. It was just bad. Unbreakable was great. Unbreakable was good. Okay.

Did you like the village? Yeah. Okay. Loved it. We're on the outside. Most people hated it. Yeah. Fancy B?

I like it a lot, too. Those four. Okay. Because people hate the village. Did you see the village? No. No, she doesn't watch anything. The village people hated, but I was like, why?

I think this is great. But the one thing about signs is, now, let's go back to the dog thing. Okay. Yeah. Is, and when my brother and I saw it, I remember thinking to myself, yeah, that's about right. Why? When I saw the scene. Why?

When they were all... So, the aliens are attacking. And, you know, now, Mel Gibson, Joaquin, and the two kids are in the house. They boarded everything up, right? And then they go, oh, fuck, we forgot the dog. That was outside by the barn. And then they can hear the aliens killing the dog. And in my head is like, I thought that's about right.

Because in our home, right, I leave jewels out first before the fucking animals. Well, yeah, but that... You're right. You're right. And then they get left behind. Right, right, right. Right. Right, so...

No, but... So, when you're watching the movie and you see the dog getting killed out by the barn. Yeah. In my head, I'm like, yeah, they would leave the dog out. You know what I mean? Whereas in Independence Day, right, when, I forgot her name, Will Smith's, she was a stripper in the movie. What's her name?

His girlfriend in the movie. Oh, yeah. What is her name? Oh, God. I like her. And I forgot her name. Oh, I can't think of her. I can't think of her face.

I can draw a photo of her. Her name is Fox. Vivicae Fox. Oh, my God. How annoying. So annoying. Vivicae Fox, right? Remember when they called their dog, because the aliens were attacking, they were in that,

you know, under the tunnel or whatever, and the car was under the... And they're like, come on. I feel like black people would do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. It's not a black... White people would just leave. That's so not true.

Yeah, I think... I would do anything for that dog. Anything. I'm in love with that dog. And let me ask you this. Yeah. Right? Would you give up a liver to put that into that car?

A hundred percent. Well, no, you can't live without your liver. What do you mean? Would I give up like a... What is it, people? A kidney. A kidney. Yeah, of course, of course.

You would live a... All right. And if they said you might die from giving up the kidney, I go, sure, whatever. How about they say that... Pandemic is... I don't fucking care anymore. Inside your penis. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. Inside your penis, there is a blood vessel. Right? Yeah. Right? There's a sac. Right?

There's a little sac in a blood vessel. Okay. Right? That has... Because he's dying from a really specific disease. That's a girl. That's a girl. Your girl is...

She's dying from a very specific disease. Right? Yeah. The only way we can save this dog, right? Yeah. Is we have to get to that little sac, right? And then take the juice and the material in there and we have to create an antidote. But the only way we can do that is we have to completely chop your dick off.

Right. Do you put it back? Are you guys going to put it back on? That destroys the penis. Well, okay. Is there a way for me to get a cadaver penis? Can I get another guy's penis? No.

The only way we could do it, we could take the remains and take the sensational parts of you and tuck it in. Give me a vagina? Yeah. Pussy. Done. You wouldn't do that. I would love to have a vagina.

I've had a dick for 37 years. Would you let me fuck it? Yes. Are you real? Okay. Good. Yes. But my point is that...

So those are my reasons why... You think whites are... Yes. What did you say? When me and Koleila called you, what did you say? Something racist? Yeah, you did. What did I say?

You said we eat our dogs. You do. You guys eat dogs. No, we don't. Have whites ever been... Has there any historical reference of a white eating a dog? No. Is there some historical...

Do we think? Okay. No. Are there historical references of Asians eating dogs? Yes. Today. This moment? Probably.

I'm saying in this... Probably in this moment. Yeah. Okay. So end of story. I've seen the videos on YouTube. Have you watched the videos on YouTube? I've seen.

You've seen it? Yeah. Okay. Wait, wait. In real life? Yeah. No, you've seen... No, you've seen a dog eating in real life.

Yeah. Gross. Done. I'm done. No, no, no, no. Let's talk about it. And you're a bad people. Let's explore it.

And you're a bad people. Let's explore it. And I'm the problem... How did you see it? It was in my... Hut. It was in one of her huts. Wait a minute.

In your village? Just out in the street? Yeah. It was a stray dog. Oh, well, that makes it okay. Okay. Tell me what happened. And then my cousin said that they were going to eat a dog and they invited me.

It was like a dinner party. You get like an invitation in the mail. An evite? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd love for you to join us for dog this evening. Yeah, yeah. Do you even know what kind it was? No.

I don't know. What did you say? Was it... I said no. Did you ever? Have you ever tasted pup? No. You don't want to.

You think that's wrong. I don't want to, yeah. But then people there... Like if you voiced your opinion, if you were like, hey, I don't think that's okay to eat dog, did they get mad at you? Yeah, because it seemed normal there. Wow. See?

That's crazy. It's a cultural thing. But here's the deal. We eat cow here all the time. Indians hate it. Indians, it's sacred. Yeah. So it's disrespectful to the animal.

So we say it's crazy only because it's the viewpoint that we have. Yeah, but when you say, though, that Asians do it, some Asians have. Lots. Not here in America, though. Lots. Not in America. You don't think they bring that with them? They bring everything else?

You know what you mean? They don't bring it like it's some sort of like dance or something. No. The culture? Yeah, that's a cultural thing. You know what I mean? Or like... Do you think some people would come over here and do it over here in secret?

Maybe. Yeah. You ought to be reminded. It's not out of the realm of reality. Okay, maybe. Why? Because just because they fly to a different place, it's like, well, we're just gonna stop doing what we used to do.

That's crazy. How many cultures did your dad and your mom do, and what are your cultural things that your dad and your mom do that was from Korea that they wanted to make sure that they passed along and they had here? There were things that they did, right? Yeah, but we do it here as well. That's my point. They beat their kids, you mean?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're saying Americans? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're like cross, cross. Is there nothing indicative of Korean culture that your parents brought over here that we don't do here culturally that they wanted to instill in you guys? Yeah, I mean, maybe things around food.

Yeah, like what? Like, you know, when you go into- By the way, things around food, dogs, food. Right. So the thing we're talking about is a thing that exists. Yeah, you would see when you came to my house, we had a normal-looking kitchen aside from the fact that there was like squid and stuff being hanging. We have squid, dried squid hanging all over the place. What?

Like, as if it's like mistletoe or something. Right. But instead of kissing underneath it, you eat it. Wait a minute. Drying it out to dry squid? Yeah, you just have squid laying around. Why? Just later.

I don't know why. Why doesn't it just go in a fridge or something? I don't know. I have no idea. I never have. Okay, this is my point. So to them, drying out a golden retriever is not that big of a deal. Right.

And then you would- And it was embarrassing, like when I had my white friends over, right? I would never want to open our refrigerator because then you have to explain things. Yeah. Right? And then they would see, you would see like a gigantic orange jug. Right? And they're like, what is that? I could see me.

And then you hit the jar, right? And an eyeball would fool by it. It's hard to explain. No, but see, there's cultural things that exist when people come over. Or you go to like, you know, when you guys eat fish, right? When we eat fish, like my mom and my dad, they go right to eyeballs. Right. They eat the worst part first.

And they stick in their mouth. It's like, you know what I mean? You don't do that. No way. No, no way. Only torso. This episode is sponsored by Bluetooth. Hey, Andrew.

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Oh my God. The best thing that you've ever done for me, dude, is give me a Buffy blanket. I didn't know what it was. You gave it to me. I brought it home. It's the only blanket, comforter, that Kalyla and I use. It's such a great fabric. It's unbelievable, man.

It's breathable. Look, we've had, I have it on all the beds in my home. We even have an extra one that I won't give out to anybody because I love it to give it to friends when they come over. It's earth friendly. It's cruelty free. By the way, I used to sweat every single night. I'm not kidding.

I don't sweat anymore. I stand by this product so much. Look at his eyebrows. Look at my eyebrows. This is from using a Buffy. We both love it. I have given it to Bob and I use the duvet cover as well. No more night sweats.

It's 100% plant-based. It's breathable. It keeps you comfy at night. It's made from eucalyptus fiber inside and out. It's softer than cotton and naturally soothes the skin. I can feel it when I'm doing it. It's hypoallergenic, baby. It's cruelty free.

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Why are you dressed like this? What the fuck is going on here? Oh, dude. Yeah? You've been served. My bed is just so dumb. You've been served. Okay.

This is a bit. That's why they're wearing suits. I don't know. Yeah. It's exactly what it is. You think I'm a dumb dumb? Yeah. I come in here.

They're wearing raggedy tag fucking suits. Hey, first of all, those are expensive. Those are Joseph A. Banks suits. They're not. Yeah. Those were two for eight cents. For eight cents. What happened?

Plative. This is the Plative Andrew Santino. He claims his podcast co-star refuses to come to the show on time. Even though he promised he would. He's suing for an apology. This is the defendant Robert Lee. He says the Plative is a big ginger bully who always bosses him around. He contends that being late isn't his fault and it's not a big deal.

He's accused of being a selfish man, baby. Do not throw these papers away. They're official papers that affects your record. You may show up to the bad friends trial on December 14th. You're here. Legal assistance. We have provided you with the best public defender we could spare. You got a PD.

You have a PD right there. I don't need you. Can I defend myself? Oh my, how offensive. You don't want to use the public defender? That fucking piece of shit. Your taxes pay for him. I don't care.

Do I have to use them? No. I'm going to defend myself. Would you like to be a part of my counsel then, George? Two lawyers. I've got two lawyers. You know what? I would like an outside help.

I want Jules to be my lawyer. That's Judge Jules. Oh, she's the judge? That's Judge Jules. I'll defend myself then. Yeah. I still don't know what the apology, the complaint for an apology, facts. The plaintiff states that the following facts are true.

Robert Lee is always late, which shows a lack of respect for the plaintiff cause. I was here on time today. Undue stress. I was here on time today. I know, but this is from all the previous times. I know. So that's right there. A fact.

We'll use that in the case. I will. Okay. Let's start. Let's start. The honorable Judge Jules. Should we all rise? All rise for the honorable Judge Jules.

There you go. Tell us when to sit. You may sit. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. The meeting can now start. Oh, great.

Okay. Thank you. Your honor. Your honor. Don't make fun of my lawyer. Or are you bad start? So we're here because my client, Mr. Andrew Santino, the great Andrew Santino, very punctual Andrew Santino has been constantly under distress because the defendant here always gets late,

comes late. It's always not on time, basically. And we won a formal apology. That's right. Get off your phone. We're in the middle of court. Yeah. I'm literally having, I have evidence.

You have. Yeah. So I'm gathering evidence. So may I look at my phone, please? I mean, ask the fucking judge. I have evidence on the phone, right? So may I look at my phone? As long as it's all evidence.

Yeah. As long as it's all evidence. All evidence. Okay. And I'll show you. Okay. And it's coming in. Okay.

So go ahead. Your honor. I'd like to present my first, my lawyer and I would like to present our first witness. It's George Kimmel. No relation to any of the famous Kimmels. George, would you say, on average, I am on time to the podcast? I'm sworn to... Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You're under oath. Put your hand on your penis real fast. Put your right hand on your penis. And say, I do solemnly swear to tell the truth. The whole truth is done by the truth. On my penis, I swear.

Fantastic. And if you don't... So, George, would you say that I'm... I'm not even done with the witness. Can I cross my... No, I'm not done with the witness. I'm ready. Would you say that I'm typically on time?

I would say Mr. Santino is typically five to 15 minutes early. Would you say that the defendant is not on time, usually? I would... That's a matter of... It depends what you mean by on time. Thank you. Such a pussy. Yeah.

Thank you. Would you... Okay, you're correct. Would you say... Please don't call your witness a pussy, by the way. I said it to you. I know, but I'm the defendant. He can't hear us.

All right. I looked over, like, in court. Would you say then, Mr. Kimmel, that Bobby is... It comes after the arranged time that we've agreed to start, usually? Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay.

And do you think, Mr. Kimmel, that playing video games, waiting for Uber, losing your keys, or other reasons like that are a good reason to miss the time? Well, we... We... Life happens, Mr. Rosentine. I believe we have all been through a time where we've been forced by life to be late for something. Have you ever...

Okay. ...ever had an Uber? Even when... May I cross the exam? Even when he's a witness. He's still taking your side. Yeah. May I cross your exam?

Yeah, sure. Thank you. At this point, it doesn't matter. Let me ask you, George. Yeah. Before we even started this podcast, did Andrew Santino say that... I'll take charge, right? I will...

I'll set everything up. Don't worry about it, Bobby. You know what I mean? Just show up. Show up on time. No. Let me finish. Just show up on time.

Let's just show up. Right. Just show up on time. Let me ask you this, George. Show up on time. Can he not interrupt me? Can you get it connected? That's the judge.

Judge, can you not interrupt me so I can... Can I... Thank you so much. Order in the court. Don't tell her what to say. Order in the court. Right. I'll take a cheeseburger, fries.

So, didn't Andrew say, right, that before we started Bad Friends, you know what, way back in the day, right, that he would take care of everything, right, and he would set everything up by all the equipment and do all the things, right? Did you not say that? Objection, your honor. The lawyer is leading the witness. Hell yeah. Okay.

What? It's a leading. You're leading. Okay. Let me ask you this, okay? Bobby, you may not lead the witness. Bro, I hope... Let me ask you this question.

We would... We would... This would be bad. When I... When I show up even late. Very, very... Have I showed up on time? Let me ask you that before.

Yes. You were on time today. Exactly. I was on time today, right? And as soon as I showed up, were we ready to go or did we wait about 10, 15 minutes before we started? We were ready to go. Yeah, but did we start...

When did we start though? We were ready to go. I know, but did we start right when we... when we walked in or is there like a five, ten minute time... When he goes or smokes a cigarette... And we get... Let me ask you that's a real question or do we start right away? The cameras are rolling when you walk in.

Right? But do... Just when we start? Not sure which way we're trying to go here. When we start? When do we start? Do we start as soon as I walk through that door? Yeah.

No, we don't. We don't. Don't argue with... Why are you arguing with the witness? All right. You can't say that to him. Okay. We do not start on time.

It's always a little... We need to warm up. Okay. That's exactly what I'm saying. Yeah. Okay. And the second question I want to ask you. Okay.

Is is that... You know my lifestyle. Correct? Yeah. Right? So let me ask you this question. Okay. If somebody had a...

Let's say somebody had a day job. Right? They, you know, they woke up... They were a teacher. What you don't? Seven in the morning. What you don't? And they...

And they... They end their work around five or six p.m. They go home. Right? And then if that person was asked... To show up on time to their job. To wake up. Right?

Yeah. So that's the way they... They live, right? And they wake up at one in the morning to do another job. But what my point being is is that... My point though being is is that... No! My point is is that...

Not even! Yeah. Let me finish. My point is is that... And then they do another job. Right? The rhythm, right? The rhythms of what you asked me to do.

Right? And they fit into the timeframe of when I'm awake. And when I'm... You know what I mean? It goes against... You know what I mean? The clock. Which I live.

The inspirational quick streamer. Your A job is to play video games. Witness. Witness. Witness. Objection. Thank you. Your honor.

This is... This is bullshit. Oh! Yes! This is what happens for not using a lawyer. Mr. Lee. No, I'm still... I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm completely fine. May I make another statement, please? No. The attorney can speak. The attorney can speak. May I speak now, though? Thank you.

You said no. I'm not doing my opening. No. Dude, does it... Does... Does what it doesn't... Respect the judge. Does it a lawyer?

I'm representing myself. Don't I have an opening... But you already represented... No, but do it... No, no, no. Don't I have an opening? Don't I have an opening? Oh, no.

Don't I have an opening statement that I can have? May I have my opening statement? No. No. You have to listen to the fucking judge. I don't get my opening statement. You're gonna have an opening statement in the middle. All right.

Judge, please dictate who you'd like to talk. Attorney can speak now. Go ahead. Okay. I would like to call another witness. I'm calling Judge Rudy to the stand. Oh, interesting twist. Okay.

This is an M. Night Shyamalan twist. So, Judge Rudy, have you experienced basically layness, tardiness, because of... Tito Bobby not being on time? Yes. Really? That did happen like once in a blue moon or it's mostly like a daily thing? A daily thing. Really?

I have no more questions, Your Honor. Really? All right, so... Dude, I got the best lawyer. Let me ask you this. I got the best attorney. Let me cross-examine. Let me cross-examine.

All right. All right. Before we came today, right? Yeah. What were you doing? I was sleeping. You were sleeping, right? You're a teenager.

I know. So, did I have to wake you up, right, to get you ready to come here? Yeah. If I hadn't done that, would you have slept through it? I would have waited for Auntie Kalaila. I know, but if Auntie Kalaila didn't say anything, right, which she wasn't going to, if I didn't, and didn't wake you up, right, would you have showed up on time? Would you have slept through it?

I wouldn't have slept through it because I have to go with you. I understand that, but I had to have waited. So, if I hadn't woken you up, right, you would have slept through the time. Maybe. Yes. No, no, no. Yes is leading. Okay.

Let me remind you that Judge Rudy is not accused of anything here. That's right. And let me ask you another thing, all right? Many times, right, I have to wait for you downstairs. I do. I go, I'll meet you downstairs. I say that to you a lot. I'll meet you downstairs and you come down, right?

And then you kind of slouch your shoulders and eventually you end up there, right? Let me ask you that. Do you think that that kind of behavior might feed into the reason why that we are late to this podcast? No, because you always say 15 minutes and you can come down. Right. But by me saying that though means that I am, you know what I mean? I am aware of the time, right? I'm aware that we have, we have a destination to go to, right?

And I'm the one that's always having to tell you, right? When we're, when we have to leave, when we have to go, right? Because I depend on you. All right. All right. I have to speak. Okay, go ahead. Because I depend on you.

I'm awake at eight in the morning and we record at three and you wake up at like 250. No, I don't. You do. You do. You do. Hit the fucking. All right. I also like to say something.

May I say something? Right. This is your closing statement right now. I'll do my closing. This is it right now. You've got it. When I was, I think I was in seventh grade. Okay.

I used to take the school bus to school like most kids did. I know. What the fuck? You don't know relevance. No, I know. I did. This is very relevant. Let me get it there.

All right. All right. Yeah. So one morning, how long was the bus? The bus ride was probably 20 minutes long. The physical bus. How big was it? It wasn't a short bus.

I mean, the, the, uh, he's making assumptions that I'm retarded. Excuse me? It was a smaller bus. Excuse me? It was a smaller bus. Language. Your honor. Language.

But that, by him asking me. Your honor. Besides the bus. Your honor. Means that he wants to fucking apply. That's disgusting. I have some sort of mental retardation. Your honor.

Objection. Objection. I fucking find that to be the plan for me. Your honor. How fucking carry you? Your honor. It was a regular sized bus. I am simply asking.

It was a regular sized bus. I was simply asking about buses in San Diego. Your honor. I have no idea what they're like down there. I'm not privy to San Diego buses. Okay. That fucking impurated me. Close your statement.

I may have to finish. All right. So, um, one morning I woke up five minutes late. I missed the fucking bus. Okay. So on the car ride, my mom had to drive into school on the car. This really did happen on the car ride to school. That bus that I missed by five minutes got in an accident.

A truck hit it. Wow. And four kids went to the emergency room. One kid almost died. Okay. And that traumatic, um, experience, right? Makes me always like, will not want to show up exactly on time. It's one of those like, um, it's, it's just trying to, a traumatic

effect that's affected my, my, my daily adult life. And it's like everywhere I go, I'm always about five or 10 minutes late because I think that I just never really dealt with that, you know, um, with that, um, experience. So what, um, what a manipulative fucking sort of your, what's a manipulative story? What do you mean? It's a story that was really good.

It was, but it was really good manipulation. Right. So what I'm saying to you right now is, is that, um, Is that your closing statement? You're done. You, you have to be done. You're dragging. Your honor.

Your honor. Your honor. Please. Your honor. Your honor. This is insane. Our closing statement. Your honor.

All right. All right. All right. You have 10 seconds. No, I don't have 10 seconds. Don't disrespect the judge. You have 10 seconds. This ain't fucking Russia, man.

I have my fucking closing statement. No, you already have it. You don't give me a time limit for closing statements. Yes, the judge can. No, I've never seen that in any fucking court, the fucking show. I'm the judge. I can say anything. Fuck, man.

You know what? You have 10 seconds. You have 10 seconds. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm fucking, you're going to get it. Judge. You fucking bitch. Yeah. Oh, you called the honorable judge for me. Oh my God. This is fucking blasphemy.

You're done for, bud. All right. All right. Your honor. I apologize. Okay. It's my closing statement. Yeah.

All right. My closing argument is this, um, that the times, the times that these podcasts occur, right, are times where it's very, very inconvenient for me. 4 p.m. Right. Very inconvenient for me. 4 p.m. Audience, we shoot this show.

All right. Number two. That's number two. Number two. It's 7 p.m. Right now. And a traumatic experience growing up, right? Yeah.

That, um, I haven't really dealt with that has caused me to be five or 10 minutes late to every occasion. Number three, I would argue that, um, me being late doesn't really have an effect on, on the anybody else but you, right? It doesn't really have an effect on his life. He's a millionaire because of podcasting. Oh shit. Right.

Five seconds. Yeah. No, not five seconds. Four, three, two, one. He makes a lot of money on the road, right? And this is all fun and game and it doesn't affect him, right? He's a multimillionaire because that is not true. But what I'm saying, what I want to know, your honor, remind him he's on the road and

I would have believed, and I believe that this accusation, right? It's just a part of his entitlement, right? To put down a, a minority, a minority, a minority comic, right? And this is just his way, right? So let's put that into, put that in the books. Okay. Do you have that recorded? All right.

Thank you. That's my question, your honor. Let's strike this statement of the books, but, um, attorney, you can give me my closing statement. Attorney, go ahead. Your honor, we have abandoned evidence that the accused doesn't even want to refute the accusation. I don't mean little words you're saying, you're a little fucking talk.

This is not Perry Mason. This is real life. You cannot come here and just say a bunch of bullshit, your honor. He is late. He's been proven late. 45 episodes we recorded. He's been on time twice. So life hadn't happened once or twice, but not 42 times.

So we are, my client is entitled to an apology and I'm sure you will find it in your heart and in your brain, your honor, that all the, you know, you can cut through his bullshit and, and tell it as it is, um, my, my client deserves an apology. Your honor, that's our closing statement. Your honor, also, let me just say, no, you're done. All right. You made it. You can't say anything anymore.

There are consequences. The meeting is closed. Hit it harder. Hit it. Shut up. You're done. All right. Your honor, please give us the judgment.

Okay. I have decided that Andrew won the case and Andrew deserves an apology. Thank you, your honor. We won. We won on trace. Yes. Yes. All right.

Go ahead. When you're ready. I'd rather go to prison. What do you, your honor, your honor, if he doesn't apologize, what kind of sentences do you want to serve? I'd rather go to prison. Your honor, what kind of sentence can we guarantee? Give me the death penalty.

What kind of sentence can we guarantee? Um, if he doesn't make an apology, he has to take out all of the trashes and hide all his video games. Hide all the video games. No. That's not going to happen. You tell, and you will tell Auntie Kalala that he went and got something when he wasn't supposed to, even if it's not true.

Right? Yeah. Good. No, I'd rather suffer those consequences. Really? Yeah. You're not going to apologize. You lost the case, fair and square.

I don't care. I gave you an attorney. We gave you a public defender. I refuse. Wow. Yeah. Okay. You sore loser, dude.

I'm not a sore loser. No, no, you are because you lost the case, fair and square. I served you. We sued you. You are a sore loser. You get the fuck out of your form, piece of shit. No, get in here. And I will call fucking, you know.

If you call, hey, if you call. I want to see his green card. I also want to do. Run. I want to see your fucking green card. Run. Babble. Let me say something, man.

You know, I've been trying babble, and I'm trying to learn Russian. Are you really? Yeah. I'm learning Spanish, which is a lot easier than Russian. It's really hard. I don't know why you would take on Russian. But it's easy to use. No, it is.

And I'm absorbing the information, I think. It's easy to use, but Russian's a tough language. I went with Spanish because it's everywhere. Bobby's learning Russian because he wants to go back to the old country. Yeah. A lot of people think that you're Korean, but you're actually Russian. I am Russian, yeah. Well, we're going to get you there at some point.

It's a language learning method designed to get you speaking a new language within weeks. Okay. 10 to 15 minute lessons. It's a joke. If me and this idiot can do it, you can do it. I promise. It's so simple.

You can do what? Words and phrases, Bob. And then... But it's also words and phrases that normal people use. You know what I mean? It's not clinical. It's not clinical sentences. Yeah.

It's like natural way, a natural way that people in that, you know what I mean, language. It's not where is the library. Yeah, yeah. You're not going to get Billy Otejo. It's stuff like what's up? What's going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are you guys headed today?

Are we having a drink? It's great phrase. Actually, it's super useful when you read it because you can tell that it's written by someone who's gone. These other ones are so fake. No one's going to want to know where the bank is. Where is the bank? They also have like 10 million subscriptions now, so it's so proven.

People love it. Yeah. 14 different languages. Spanish, French, Italian, German, the prime ones. And look, it's incredible. It's easy to use. If you want to use, learn another language. Learn it with Babel.

Speak a language like you always wanted to. Right now, Babel is offering our listeners three months for free with the purchase of a three-month subscription with the promo code BADFRIENDS. Visit babel.com, use the promo code BADFRIENDS for your three-month subscription. That's Babel, B-A-B-B-E-L.com, promo code BADFRIENDS, Babel language for life. Headspace. Look, you know what? Life is stressful.

Let me say this. It's very stressful. Because I've had a lot of stress. The panties been a bummer for all of us. Guys, we know. Well, you know what I've been using? Huh. Headspace, man.

Yeah, that's what I'm... Can I say that? Because I've been using Headspace. I know, but I've been using it too. And it's so... Dude, it's so relaxing. It is. It's like a floatation cloud space.

If you need guided meditation, which I do because I have issues when I leave BADFRIENDS. And I got to tell you, it's the only meditation app that's advancing the field of mindfulness through meditation, clinically validated research. This isn't Hifui. This isn't snake oil. This isn't real. They even have this thing called... Can I just interrupt you?

Sure. Data is three-minute SOS meditation. That's right. That's like three minutes long and it really does get you right in that peaceful moment. No, it does. I used to eat about 30 melatonin pills to fall asleep at night or have those Z-quills in it. And now I'm still doing a few, but also Headspace has a wind-down session, which lets you get

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I want to tell you something I was concerned about when I brought the pup in. Go ahead. When we take, do you guys have this with your dogs? When you take them on road trips, do you know about anal secretions? Yeah, I get them all the time. No. No. She will, we'll be sitting in the car going on like a long drive.

Yeah. And then all of a sudden you'll be like, yeah, yeah, our Julio does that. We have a dog named Julio that does that. And the puppy does it too. We took her, we took her into the vet because we were like, hey man, she's like, it's the foulest, it's the foulest smelling shit on earth. It doesn't smell like poop. It smells like, you know what it smells like.

Plusy? Dirty vagina. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It smells like dirty vagina. Yeah. It does. Dirty vagina a bit. But when she does it, she's done it on my shirts and ruined shirts because it's when

she's like this, when there's a lot of action, she gets a little bit like, what's going on? So I was afraid I was going to get some secretion on the shirt. Julio does it? Yeah. I just can't believe that the traumatic experience I had as a kid on the plus didn't sway the fuck. Can I tell you something? Is that, that really did happen?

It was really good though. That was an incredible defense. That was really good. It didn't help, but it was good. But why wouldn't that help? Because you called her a bitch. Oh, that's right. That's right.

I should have done that. You can't call the judge a bitch. Right, right, right. Like that's like rule number one. Don't call the judge, don't make fun of the judge. Have you ever seen those videos of people in court being assholes of judges? And the judge is like, yeah, I was just going to give you like two years, but now it's like six.

Like are you dumb? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the one that doles out the thing. Yeah. You're right. Dude. Yeah. You can't do that stuff.

You got to be sweet to the judge. Yeah. But I have to say that I know that was all, you know, for fun. It was not. That's a real lawsuit, pal. All right, pal. But I have to say that you'll never get an apology from me. You did already on an episode.

You did already say, I'm sorry. We went through this already. We've already done this. Did I really? Yeah. We've already done this. Well, you get one. You're such a turd.

I'm not. That's not true. I was the other day. I'd be a text over something. You said sorry. What was it? I'm not going to talk about it. But you said sorry.

Tell me what the apology was. You said, okay, I'm sorry. You said, I'm sorry. I'll go back. Yeah, you can look it up. Yeah. Let me look it up. And if it's too sensitive, because I feel like it's a sensitive, is it a sensitive

thing? I mean, I don't think you should talk about it live on air. I won't. But let's go to your thing. But you said, okay, sorry. And you know what it was about. It's, oh, yeah. Sorry.

Hey, not going to. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just think that between you and I, there's the utmost trust. Okay. I'm not even going to. I would like an apology. I'm not even. Okay.

For that. For what you. Serve me papers and we'll go over it. I will. Serve me papers. I will. And we'll go over it live. May I get an apology?

No. Serve me papers. All right. Serve me papers, bitch. Go to the right channels. Because I'm going to say this, right? You have a lot of nerve. You fucking roly-poly.

You have so much nerve. You have a lot of names, okay? Yeah, because you got a lot of nerve. You got a lot of nerve. You have a lot of nerve. You garbage human. You're a garbage human, right? You have a lot of anger and a lot of resentment.

Hey. And it's ugly. Cool. Both fuck yourself. And North Face Beanie, you fucking loser from 20 years ago. Oh, why? This is not in fashion. It hasn't been for 20 years, you fucking loser.

Yeah. What are you, an REI fucking catalog? Grow up, dork. Yeah. Are you a surfer? With your fucking, you know what I mean? Loose fucking sweatshirt. And your little fucking ocean symbol on your fucking...

You've never served a day in your life, you piece of shit. What does this have to do with surfing? Right? It's just the beach bomb. Oh, it looks like a surfer's shirt. Surfers don't wear shirts in the water, you fucking idiot. Yeah, but you're... And if you're going to wear a puffy jacket, it should have sleeves.

You look like you're in a fucking surf cabana. Cut-off sleeve loser. Late at night, right? You didn't... Just wear a real jacket. You fucking dork. It would keep you out of the wincy or North Shore, you piece of shit. Because if you look at this albino piece of shit at the fucking beach,

thinking that he could surf, no, get the fuck... Go to the snow. Yeah, I would. And you know what? I'd wear a North Face coat that had sleeves on it, you fucking idiot. Incomplete coat. An incomplete coat. That's what you're wearing.

This is a very beautiful attire. A vest. What a dumb idea. Get a coat. All right, we're done. We're done with what? We're done with what? I'm done with that thing.

Yeah. But we're not doing... I'll tell you this. There are no more apologies in this house. If you want an apology from me, you can serve me papers. No, no, no. Let's be real. I'm not going to serve you papers.

Okay? Okay. I'm not going to ever do this. Because it's ridiculous. All right? No, it was efficient. If you have a resent for me. And you didn't obey the judge's rules.

That's what's annoying. The judge made a judgment call. You stepped into the courtroom. What the judge doesn't realize is the judge lives with me, right? And what the judge doesn't realize is that there are real life consequences. Yeah. Oh, there are. Oh, there are.

Because let me say this. Like what? What are you going to do? She knows. She has to smell things. Can you imagine? She has to smell things? The power that the judge has with her aunt over you.

The judge's court is way deeper than your shit. Yeah, that's right. Think deeply about that. Do something goofbally with her. I wish you wouldn't have done this either because this has been a very depressing week for me. Why? I've just been really depressed. Well, tell me why?

There's a lot of elements. Okay. Let's put away the jokes and put away the jokes. Get around the elements. And it's like. Then let's be serious. I had a really difficult week. Okay.

Let's be serious. Down, you know, and depressed. What happened? Just like almost borderline suicidal. And then I come into this podcast. No, I'm just being real, right? It's the light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah.

I get to see my body. Yeah. I get to see my papers. And I'm being real, dude. It's like, oh, this week is worse than I thought it was going to be. You're so dramatic. No, I'm not being dramatic. It's been such...

I asked my therapist yesterday. Take time out. Yeah. Take a time out. So what I'm saying is... Take a time out. Real fast. No, let me just finish my point.

Do you know what those are? What? These are cameras. Yeah. This is a comedy show. It's fake. I understand that. The papers are fake.

This isn't real. I understand. Do you know that this isn't real? Do you know that George isn't a star witness? Do you know that Andreas not only doesn't have his law degree, he's not even a fucking citizen in the US. Yeah. They're going to fuck us.

If you joke around about that, they're going to find out. They're going to come and they're going to deport him. Do you realize that? Okay. Because he's not even legally supposed to be here. Let me tell you something. Go ahead. When you're on a scene, when you're in a...

You know, you're a TV show guy. Right? Right? You're an actor. Yes. You get what you're... Right? Yeah.

You're... And it's all fun and games when you're acting in a scene. Yes. And sometimes there's improvised moments. Yeah. I was in an improvised scene in a movie once. Right? And the co-star or the guy I was doing the scene with goes...

And he improvised something. He goes, yeah, that's right. Fatty. Oh, and that hurt. Right? Right? And you laugh. You go, that was a good one.

Right? And then you get the fucking van. You get in the van and they drive you to your car. Yeah. Right? And you're just fatty. It hit home. Yeah.

Yeah, it... No. It still hurts. Because it was... It's... Even though it's fun and games. Even though it's fake. It's...

Even though it's fake. It was real. There's a little bit of truth. Okay. Right? Little kernels of truth. Okay. And so I'm just letting you know...

Playing a victim. I'm not playing a victim. You are. I had a really bad week. I'm saying to you as a friend, we're done with the comedy shit right now. Yeah. All the jokes are done. That was all fake.

This was all for fun. Okay? Yeah. This is all a joke. I didn't have a bad week. It's been a great week. Go fuck yourselves. That's what I'm saying.

That was great. You're dealing with something above you, man. You're above me? Yeah, you're dealing with something more twisted. In what way? In every way, my friend. How are you above me? I'm kidding.

Yeah, you're fucking right you are. I'm doing it again now. Yeah, you're fucking right you are. You're not above shit. Right? You're not above shit. Lean back. I'm above you.

Pocahontas lean back. You're fucking walking. All right, relax. Take 10,000 steps a day. You fat fuck. All right, Fonzarelli, you're not the Fonz. You act like it. You want to be the Fonz so bad.

Yeah, you're not that guy. I am the Fonz. No, you're not. Of this show I am. You're Joni. You're Joni. And who are you? Right?

Chauchy. Yeah, fucking right. I'm fucking Chauchy, dude. And I'm fucking Joni. You know who you are? What? In Small Wonder. Oh, here we go.

Here we go. It has to be Small Wonder. Go ahead. I'm the Small Wonder. Fuck you, man. You're the little girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no.

You're Facts of Life. Oh, who am I in there? You're Corky. Fuck you. Facts of Life. Hey. Yeah. You know, who was the, there was a girl on Facts of Life.

The chubby one. Can I say something by the way? Yeah. Before we get into Facts of Life. What? All this stuff. Yeah. I love you guys.

Fuck you. I love you. I love you, Tom, dude. I love you, dude. I'm not buying it. I love you. Yeah, yeah. What are you doing?

This is the happiest part of my day. Oh, god, here we go. No, it really is. You know what I said on the set of Dave? Why? I said, they said, are you, what are you doing on your day off? I said, I'm working. What are you working on?

I said, I'm doing Bad Friends. And they go, what is it? Yeah, they said, what is that? I said, it's a podcast. And then two of the crew guys were like, we love it. We listen to it. I said, oh, yeah. Yeah.

And then I said, it's my favorite thing to do. It's more fun than any TV job I've ever had. It's more fun than any job I've ever had. Because I tell you what happened to me. Yeah. I mean that when I say that. When I was in Hawaii. This is my favorite thing on earth.

When I was in Hawaii. Yeah. Because I don't, you didn't text me, but a lot of friends did. Because last Saturday was my AA birthday. Time out real quick. Yeah. I called you in Hawaii. We FaceTimed.

I know. I'm just saying that this Saturday. Oh, for your anniversary? It was my AA anniversary. What year? What do you mean in Hawaii? You weren't in Hawaii this Saturday? No, but I'm going to tell you what happened before Hawaii that relates to that.

But I'm just saying Saturday was my birthday. Okay. Well, don't bury me on shit that isn't real. I did. I called you the whole time and you were in Hawaii. Yeah, but no, I know. I know. It's like, you know.

Okay. So I didn't call you on your, on your, on your. So my birthday. If it's my birthday. If it's my birthday and you called me. I call you. Two months later. It doesn't matter.

You should call me on my birthday. I call you on your birthday every year. What are you talking about? We celebrate. I'm done. I'm not. Let me finish my fucking thing, right? Fine.

It's not an event for you, but it's an anniversary. Yeah. It has to do with my life. But anyway, um, don't roll your eyes. It's so dope. When you roll your eyes, you roll it all over the fucking place. I love it. I guess silly.

I guess silly belly. So, um, you really are a silly belly. But, um, so when I was on set, a crew member, like he had tattoos on his neck and into his wrist. Was he a local Hawaiian guy? Yeah. But he was, um, half Asian looking. So, half cool, half Asian.

Okay. So, um, that's so dumb, but, um, really play on words. Very good. But, um... Stumbling? No. Get it out. So he goes, I'm going to get it out.

Right. Tattoos on his neck. He goes, hey man, here you go. And he had a box. Like, one of those, like, it was almost as if there was going to be a ring in it. And I lifted it and there was a golden one year anniversary. Congratulations. You know what I mean?

Sobriety. Sobriety. And I took it and I go, I don't even know you, man. He goes, yeah, but I listened to Bad Friends and stuff and I know that it was your, um, your birthday is coming up and I wanted to give you that because it, you know, I'm sober too. And, um, it really inspired me, you know. And I looked at him and I go, you know, it's so funny.

Even the guy that I do with Bad Friends with would never do this. He wouldn't even cross his mind because he's such a self-serving, selfish kind of a guy. Not be real. I said that to him. He goes, I know that about you. I know you're the fun, loving guy on the thing. And I go, I know I'm the fun, loving guy on the thing. I'm the, I'm the, I'm the bright, the, the, you know, the joy.

Right. I'm the joy of the show. Right. And I go, I'm the one that like gives people the, the, the warm feelings. Right. And he gives the cold pricklies. And so I looked, I grabbed the thing, right. And I stuck it right in my fucking front pocket.

And I gave the guy like a little, you know, COVID hug. You know what I mean? A little, yes. He had his mask on and whatnot. Yeah. And go, thank you for doing something that Andrew would never do. And we departed. And that's what I love about human beings.

Let me tell you something that I love about human beings when I was in Denver Comedy Works. I was at. Yeah. You know what? It's a true story. It's a hundred percent true story. I was moved to tears because a man who says he suffers from mental health issues because

I've spoken very honestly about my mental health issues. I've said it openly. I have depression. I have anxiety. I suffer from it severely. And I've gotten help over the years. It's very hard. I've connected with my fans and I've said my truth about it and it's very hard for me.

And a man came up to me and he was a veteran, a veteran for this country, fought for this country. Okay. Not a tattoo neck crew guy from a fucking movie shoot. This is a veteran from fought for this fucking country for the freedoms of this country. Sure. Okay. Yeah.

And this guy gave me his patch. His patch. He gave me a patch off his fucking jacket. No, a patch. Is he a pirate? No, a patch that was awarded to him from the military. US fucking military. Okay.

Piece of shit. A patch that he gave to me. And this meant so much to me to get this. And I want to give it to you because you've meant so much to me and that's a reflection of how I feel. Can I finish my fucking story? They get a metal, not a patch, but go ahead. Everyone gets a patch.

No. Go ahead. Not this. Not this patch that I have at my home. Not this. Not everyone gets this patch. Every Boy Scout gets up a little patch. And let me tell you something.

You're comparing the Boy Scout to the US military? That's smart. Smart move. And what he said to me was this means a lot to me. And I said, oh, thank you. And he said, and you mean a lot to me. And what you've done for me has helped. And I said, I appreciate that.

And he said, particularly what you do, you know, with Bobby, I think the show is really great. And I said, oh, thank you so much. And he said, I want you to take this patch and remember me every time you do the show. Think about, think about me. And just remember that I would have killed that when I was over there. And I gave him a big hug and he kept walking and I'll never, I'll never forget that. It's a Korean war.

Korean war? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was a Korean war. And that's what he said. Those are not my words. Yeah. He said that.

You know that, you know, the Americans were in cahoots with South Korea, right? So they were working together. Yeah, but he was. Fighting the North. He just knew you. He just knows how. What kind of. He made an assumption that I was North.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. That story didn't happen. I think, by the way, you look more than anything else. That story didn't happen. And by the way, that story did happen. That story didn't happen. And the medal that I got from the guy did happen.

This story is real. Okay. It's a real thing. What he said at the end. And I have a story after that, right? I'm bummed that my grandfather didn't kill that guy. Yeah. Well, he was too weak.

He probably would have never got it done. There's hostility? No, there's none at all. In fact, this is a very fun episode. Ellen DeGeneres got COVID. I know she did. But I sat down the car today. I was with the girls getting Christmas trees, which is something that jewels the judge,

you know what I mean? Didn't really remember. Judge Jules, did you guys get a real tree? Yeah. How many? $400 on a fucking tree. Why do you say it's so negative? I'm just saying that you would think that when you do good things to the people that

you love that's in your house, that they would defend you in a court situation. Okay. Okay. Let me make a side note. Go ahead. That story I told was 96% true. What was false about it? I'll leave it up to the audience.

Then he said he wouldn't kill me. I don't know what he said. I don't know what it is. Anyway, he was a great man that gave me a patch off his jacket. So anyway, to today, when we found out the COVID- Wait, two real trees? Yeah. When we found out that-

We got a fakie. COVID got Ellen. Ellen got COVID. Yeah. I thought, that doesn't surprise me. Why? Why do you say that? She just seems like she would have these social distancing gatherings at her mansion.

Like she's still having parties? Yeah. Like every Hollywood person is doing? Yeah. Some of them are. And some of them aren't. I feel like some are isolating. Yeah, but here's-

It's a reflection of what people are doing in America. A lot of people are still going to, you know what I mean, shindigs and gatherings and some people aren't. Right. Yeah. But I mean- She seems like something that would. Oh, you think so?

Yeah. She claims she has no idea how she got it. Yeah. That's what they say. Yesterday, right? You can't go because what? I can't. COVID canceled?

Yeah. Wait, who? So, you know, Dermot is directing this movie. All right, buddy. Shout out to our buddy, Brandon Dermot. Right. And I was supposed to do- he wrote me a scene in it and I was about to drive over there and he calls me late Wednesday night and he goes-

Somebody tested. Yeah. Lead actresses, sister of who they live together, got COVID and I can't, you know- Yeah, but that's great. But at least they're doing testing. Yeah, I didn't get to do it in this movie. You'll get to do it. They'll pick it back up.

No, no, no, no, they're not done. What do you mean? It's never- You got somebody else like that's in the bubble to do it. Oh, right. They don't want to bring you into the thing. Yeah. Oh, my God.

They're in their bubble. Do you think there's going to be a movie or a TV show that's shot with all actors that have COVID? What if they- What would it be? Would it like an all COVID cast? To have it or have it at the same time? Both.

Whatever. If you're like, fuck it, let's just do an all COVID- let's just cast people that have had it or have it right now. You should. The whole crew should have it. Everyone should have it. And then you're like, well, we're doing an all COVID movie. They should have done an all HIV movie then.

They did. Philadelphia. Yeah, but they didn't actually have it. Tom got it. Tom Hanks got it. Oh, he did? Yeah, he got aid for it. For the role?

Yep. Oh, he's doing that guy. That guy commits. Yeah, he's so good. The lesions are so real. Speaking of which, Tom Hanks was the first guy that got COVID when they saw it. Remember that? He was like the first dude-

Oh, you're now shocking. Remember, we were like, he's going to die. Yeah, I was like, he's going to fucking die. Tom fucking Hanks. Yeah. And then I remember McKellar Ted, I got it. He's a coach. Anyway, um-

Oh, I know. I know who that is. Yeah. I know who that is. He got it and he lived. Can we answer? Answer the phone. No, but my mom, her text is, she texts me every day and it's like, I don't know what

the fuck to say. What does she say? Sorry, I'm a little late. I watched Da Vinci Code. Good night. Love, mom. Wait, did you have a conversation plan and she just bailed? Oh, she's saying, sorry, I'm late texting you late.

She texts me every time, right, at around six. Oh. Right? And she goes, I'm a little late. And a lot of this is like, it rained today, just enough to cover the ground. Love you. Good night, two dreams. And I never know how to respond.

I'm like, I love you too, mom. That's sweet. I know, but every single one. Today, partly cloudy, cloudy. Hey, hey, hey, say cloudy, please. Okay. Partly cloudy, cloudy. A high temperature was forecast as 81 degrees.

The very good weather for me to go outside. Where does she live? Arizona. Wait, but what park? Phoenix. I thought she was in Northern Arizona. No. I mean, the watering today.

The watering day? Oh, the watering day. Maybe this is the only day to go outside freely and enjoy it. Love you, my son. I miss you. I mean, they're so sweet. That's so sweet, but they don't make any sense. Do you have a text chain with your brother and your mom?

No. You don't have any of those? No. Whoa. What is that about? You don't have any communication with your brother and your mom at the same time? You don't have like a... I haven't talked to my mom in a year.

You just, she just texted you now. We text only. No phone call. We haven't talked since the BTS. Oh, since the BTS. Yeah. Since the BTS problem? Yeah.

Why? I don't know. We text every day. You do know. Are you embarrassing for her? Like did it put her in a place where she felt like I'm embarrassing, mad? I think partly it's... I think her BTS obsession has even gone further down the road.

Where she's like doing creepy shit, like she has cutouts and stuff and she's kissing them and dating them? Yeah, maybe. You know what I mean? So what I'm saying is that I think she doesn't want to talk about it. So she doesn't call and I don't call. Why don't you call and just break that ice? Because she texts me every day.

Yeah, I know, but call her and say like we should start having conversations instead of just these weird texts about the watering outside. I know. Let's call her right now. I love you. Call her right now. She's sleeping. Just call her.

You're texting her right now. No, this is from a couple hours ago. She's sleeping. Just call her. I love you. Hey, look at me. Call her right now and just go. I just called to tell you I love you.

I love you right now. We'll do next episode. Say I called to tell you I love you. We'll do next episode. Well, for the fans that want to know, we are planning a trip in the new year. That'll be great. But once we get a vax to Bobo's mom, we're doing a road trip out to Phoenix. Does Judge Rudy get to come or no?

I don't know. Can I show you? Can I listen? My brother and I, and so Kalyla almost broke up with me last night. Shut up. I'm being real. No, this is annoying because now you've been fucking around all day with this stuff. So.

What do you mean? You've made a ton of jokes about bullshit. I'm depressed with a tough week. Is this real? Yeah. She really tried to break up with you. No, she was really upset last night. What did you do?

So downstairs, when I played Warzone at one in the morning, did you hear last night? No. I went crazy. You turned on the, was that, you weren't in your head for? No, so my brother and I and my friend Dylan, who's a drummer, very talented. 18. No. 19.

30s. And Dylan, he's in the band Monkshi with my brother. Right. Your brother's band. Yeah. Okay. So, so we're playing Warzone and we were at the, the last circle. Sure.

Okay. So there's five people left on the board. Okay. Don't do this. No, I'm listening. Just go. I am. I just talk slow.

Okay. No, no, no. I know, but you're like saying like even the listeners might not know. So just you're in the last stage with Dylan. Yeah. So Dylan and, you know, Dylan's now down. He's dead. And it's between my brother and I and another guy.

But my brother, every time, right, when he's in that situation, he does something like he'll shoot at a cloud. You know what I mean? Where he'll go, you know what I mean? He'll face the opposite direction and the guy will shoot him in the back. Right. Where my brother will do something because he can't handle the pressure. He gets nervous under pressure.

Yeah. He goes, but he always says, bum, where are you? That's the main thing. What's, where are they? Where are they? Right. He doesn't know, right? Isn't it show you on the map where they are?

Yeah. But he doesn't know, right? I mean, he did last night, he did something, you know what I mean? That was like miraculous. What? He goes, I go, oh, it's Steve, um, it's between us and another guy, but in thinking in my head, he's going to die, my brother, and I'm going to have to fucking finish this guy off.

Totally. Right. So I go, I see my brother. You know what I mean? You know, oh, what's going on? Right. Right. And I see this guy come from a tree with his gun and my brother just goes down some.

We win. No way. Yeah. And so then we haven't recorded, if you want to hear it, the last 10 seconds. I absolutely want to hear it. Okay. So, um, by the way, by the way, by the way, uh, uh, uh, side note, um, can the other guy hear you guys?

What other guy? When you're like, when you're like, when you're like, oh, there's one guy left. Can he hear you guys talking shit? You mean the other guy that we're killing? Yeah. No. Okay. So he, he, right.

So I'm going to fast forward this to the end. Put it up to the mic. Yeah. He's killing it. He's dead. Yes. There's one more. Two versus one speed.

He's coughing. He's right back. He's back. Why don't you kill? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I didn't fail. I didn't fail. I didn't fail. I didn't fail. I didn't fail. I didn't fail. I didn't fail.

I didn't fail. I did fail. I failed. Now that. Right. Now that when I did that, right. Yeah. Right.

Kylo's upstairs. One am. Yeah. Right. Just absorbing these screams. Right. I got it. That's annoying.

It's annoying. I go up there and I'm like, yeah, I always come up, when we win, I always come up with a smile on my face. Right. You know what I mean, like, right? And she's, so immediately, like my- She's in bed, by the way. Yes, immediately, my joy, you know what I mean?

Because she doesn't really understand, you know. She doesn't understand that a 49-year-old is celebrating a Wednesday night at one in the morning. I think she gets it. No, it has to do with, it has to do with, like, my brother stepping out and growing. Look, as your friend, I think that's an incredible moment. Relationship-wise, relationship-wise?

It's terrible. It's annoying. It's annoying. She's right. It's 1 a.m. Right, so, you know what I mean, it was a feeling of complete joy and freedom. And being proud.

Punished. Right, and then all of a sudden I'm being punished for feeling that. And then what was your- But did you not say, I'm sorry, we were just having a good time, it was me and Steve, and she was like- No, I mean, you have to say stuff like,

well, I guess the next time I play, I won't say nothing. You know what I mean, you tried that, you know what I mean? I said, you say that. She goes, you say that, but you keep doing it. Well, I'll just be more mindful about, you know what I mean? My vocal range- Did she say she would end the relationship because of it?

And she goes, I mean, she goes, if this continues, I can't do it anymore. It's that type of thing. Really? Yeah. That's serious. It's pretty serious. Well, can I offer a suggestion?

Stop playing. No, of course you're not gonna stop playing. Thank you. That's insane. No way. That's insane. And I offer a suggestion, soundproof the room. Yeah, George, it's the podcast room.

How come you haven't soundproofed it yet? Wait a minute, wait a minute, time out. Get in here, George. George, get in here. Get in here, right now. No! George, are you trying to tell me, stand over there so we can yell at you on camera

or sit down so we can yell at you on camera? Yeah. Are you trying to tell me that he's doing the game out of the pod room and it's not properly equipped to be soundproof so he can play video games in there after hours? Is that what I'm hearing? Oh, I've never heard a request to have a soundproof.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what's happening here. I'm going to get an attorney! I need an attorney! No, no, no. These are assumptions that you should have already. What I'm hearing is Bobby's relationship is getting, there's cracks in the concrete

and it sounds like you're the construction worker that should be fixing them. Now, Bobby, when you broke your own screen, who bought you a new one? That's not the point. Do you see him pointing his finger at you real aggressive? Let me ask you a different question, George, okay? Cubs.

Isn't Tiger Belly and Bad Friends your two biggest podcasts that you produce? Yes. By a landslide. Do you make money from those two things? Sure does. Now, do you think that if Kaleila broke up with me, right, that we would have to,

we would continue Tiger Belly, I don't think so, and I think that I would be so depressed that we couldn't do this show. Then I might have to do, you can't do this show, so where would that leave you financially? I'm gonna, I'm booking a, are you a winner of time to get something done? I'm not a winner, sir.

I mean, be real. I mean, think about- I am real. You're right. This is straight up an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm here for it. Yeah, I love it. So soundproof the room.

That way, George, we don't have to have Bobby getting in trouble for things that he shouldn't be getting in trouble for. Cause to be quite frank with you, this falls on you, pal. This falls on you, pal. I'm sorry. You may leave. I'm sorry about that.

You may leave. I wanna say one last thing to our listeners out too. George, you're the best. Can I say something to my listeners? What? You know, a lot of listeners, I know that they think that I'm a man baby, which is true, and I know they do.

They say it all the time, you're a man baby and you're 49 and this is, you know what I mean? And they accuse me of like, you know what I mean? Just behaving badly and saying, but this is the reason why this works. Look, they know it's a comedy show. I know, but some people don't. They literally think grow up and all that stuff.

And I wanna tell those people, I will not, I will not change. Yeah, it's a comedy show. Right, and I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. We're gonna continue to be fun. And everything is working, right? So go fuck yourself. Yeah, this show is fun

because we love to poke fun at all this stuff. People aren't taking it serious. And if they are fucking not my product, no. That's the dude. The what? A lot of nerve, pal. No, honestly, that's rude. I don't give a fuck.

That's so rude. So rude that you wouldn't even come up with that bullshit. I didn't, my attorney tip. Fuck your attorney. I didn't have a choice. Yeah, and he's not gonna be your attorney, although he's gonna be in Spain in a week. But, you know what?

I wasn't gonna call you out on this, but I'm gonna think I'm going to throw you onto the bus. Throw you onto the bus. I caught her eating a burger today when I. Oh boy. Oh boy. And I wasn't gonna say anything. And I looked at you and I go,

okay, I get what you were doing. It was chips. There was no chips. There were no chips. It was stuck in my mouth and my teeth. There was no chips. No chips. There was no chips.

Yeah, what kind of chip? Hold on, what kind of chips, rude? Potato chips. Sure, but what brand? I forgot. Chips, huh? Chips. Chips, you don't remember what chips you ate?

I remember every chip I've ever eaten. They were like chips, like salty, but not chips. They were air chips. Anyway, thank you for being a bad friend. Woo. Can I just take this off for a second? Yeah. You fucked me.

Shut the fuck up. No, I'm being real. Rudy, don't listen to him. You betrayed me and you fucked me. Such a piece of shit. You're such a fucking intimidate mean person. You're so mean. I'm just saying right now there are no consequences

for you to broke my heart. Shut up. You broke my fucking heart that you were side with him. Okay. You're gonna look up, right? Yeah. Woo.

Yeah. Woo. Yeah. Woo. Yeah. Woo. Yeah.