Bad Friends - KATS and Hey Babe Clap Back

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

New Merch Out Now! http://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors: https://www.betterhelp.com/badfriends & http://upstart.com/badfriends & http://hellofresh.com/badfriends12 code: badfriends12 & https://bluechew.com/ code: badfriends Subscribe to our YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube 0:00 Song 'Bobby is 45% Bi'  13:58 Egyptian Tombs 18:45 How Would You Be Buried Egyptian Style?  24:50 Rudy Ghost Gases Up the Prius 29:25 The King and the Sting War Continues and Hey Babe Retaliation 42:05 Evolution of Man 44:45 Bobby has Baby Fever 50:10 Bad Friends Review: Murder Among the Mormons 1:03:10 The Fart Simpson Call 1:10:40 Andrew's Audition More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Jenna Sunde, Joe Faria, Andrés Rosende Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, y'all. Hey y'all. We got new merch available. And I'm telling you right now, we sell them. It's hot. It's hot. We sell them quick. And we just love the fact that you guys like them. So we're going to keep selling them. If you look down in the merch bar right there, or go to Bad Friends merch, go to badfriendsmerch.com, whatever you need to click. Oh, go get it. Also, get it. Also, your boy is going to be in Salt Lake City, April eight, nine, 10 wise guys, one of my favorite wise guys. And then at the end of April, I'm going to be in Addison at the Improv. So go to. Me too. Go to AndersonTino.com to get those tickets and buy some merch down below. Thank you. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Why do you and an Asian dude, you two are disgusting. You two are bad friends. What's the vote? What's the consensus? That you're gay.

People think that I'm bisexual. Someone wrote a song about it. Someone wrote a song about it? Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. The love song? Somebody wrote, okay, so last week, that episode did well. A very hot guy.

A very, a very hot guy. A very hot guy. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Bob is just a little boy. Just a little boy. Forty-five percent a boy. Forty-five percent a boy. Bob is just a little boy.

Just a little boy. Forty-five percent a boy. Little, little, little boy. Bob likes girls. Bob likes girls. Dance, dance, dance. Make her dance. She won't. Bob is just a little boy. That's a great song.

Continuation from last week. Bobo is back from Hawaii. Makalaka Hainu. Hano Hano Hano to you. Bro, jeez, when I was in Hawaii, I saw this. I saw a couple of that Woody Allen thing. Oh, the documentary. Do you watch it? No, two movies.

I saw Manhattan. And any haul. How were they? Really good. He's a great filmmaker. People don't realize. You know, he does slapstick well. No, he does. Yeah, he does.

He does bananas and sleep or slapsticky. I don't know. It's, Suni is his... I have no idea what you're saying right now. I just want to make it up. Oh, you want to make it up? Yeah. Okay, let's make it up. Go ahead.

No, wait a minute. In the documentary, Andres, you saw it? Not yet. Did you see the documentary? No, I didn't watch it yet. I wanted to watch it. Neil Brennan had the best joke. He said, it's the worst Woody Allen movie I've ever seen. So he adopts this girl from where?

He doesn't adopt. She was already pre-adopted. What do you mean? By Mia Farrow. Oh, Mia Farrow had already had, you know... So she already... Little chingling. You know, you can get chinglings from over there for like cheap.

Cheap. Yeah, real cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Yeah. So she got 50 of them. She has a bunch. Discount, you know what I mean? So she adopts this girl.

She got in bulk. She got chinglings in bulk. She got Costco chingling? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they came over, right? Named them, you know what I mean? Yeah. You're Moses, you know what I mean?

Moses? Yeah, there's one with thick glasses. His name is Moses. Is Moses. Okay. I'm Moses? Yeah, you're Moses. Yeah, but my real name...

You know what I mean? No, you're Moses now. And then... And then so, Sunni was already... But she... They fucked up. Because they adopted Sunni. She was the only one that was adopted later in life.

How old was she when they adopted her? I don't know, like seven. 13, 17. How old was she? Seven. Seven, eight. Okay. He raises her as his stepdaughter.

Not really. He came in and he's just like, you know, at first standoffish a bit. You know what I mean? What do you mean? Why are you laughing? Why are you giggling? He did raise her, right? Is he stupid?

Did he raise her on trace? I don't want to say raised because he had his own apartment. He would come by all the time. Hey, Sunni. No, it ain't no. It's me, Woody. In the beginning because... You want me to film you?

In the beginning, she was like, you know... They make her a slave or something? Do they make her a maid? Let me try to say these words appropriately so that I don't get in trouble. Well, how could you get in trouble? You didn't... No, because I need to... I have a thought about it and I'm trying to...

So when she... When she... When he first was dating Mia, she was young, right? And she kind of looked... But as she got older, she really became taller and more attractive. And I think through time... You're talking about Sunni became taller and more attractive. Yeah, yeah.

I think through time, you know, after three or four years, he came to breakfast one day and she probably gave him pancakes or whatever. And he looked up and looked at her little... You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, anyway. Sunni, you know what I mean? But how old was she when this started, when this relationship happened? She was...

How old was she, Andres? Do you know? Yeah, I think she was legal, barely legal. Barely legal. Seventeen, maybe? At seventeen. So, okay, and then they became lovers. But that's not the crazy one.

What's the crazy one? Dylan. Dylan... Is the younger one who was his real adopted one. Okay. Who was white. Okay. He adopted a white?

Yeah. Okay. Dylan was white and he... Spent some babies, huh? So, it cost a little half a million dollars or whatever. The Ching Ching's from bulk? Fifty of them? Thirty-eight, seventy-five.

Fourteen, ninety-five. Two payments. Yeah, two payments. Let you do two easy payments. Fourteen, ninety-five. Fourteen, ninety-five. Yeah, yeah. And they come over in a ship.

Yeah. Like, you know, when you get a European one, it comes in a plane. Right. Like, nine months later in a ship. Yeah. The European one comes... A stork is actually carrying it in a box. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When you get the Asians ones, it's like, you have to open up a bunch of packaging too. You do. And then they're just like, you know, they're freeze dried. They're stuffed in... And you put water on them? They're freeze dried at first, but you put water on them and then they... Yeah, float it in the... But...

I'm tinkering. So, wait, this dude, he adopts... We're in trouble. This is bad. He adopts the white one. He adopts the white one, and then he goes... And, you know, he... So, you know, it always happens where, you know, she catches him doing stuff.

Right. Right. So, the one thing that I think somebody caught him doing was... Having sex with his stepdad. No, no, no. He was doing teaching her how to suck his finger. You know that little move? I don't care if that's real or not.

Yeah, yeah, no, it's real. Shut up. Sort of gone. Andres? I don't know. I swear to God. Faro is a little crazy, too, so... Whoa.

Don't do that right now. Excuse me. You know what this is? I know what it is. That's because where he comes from... He justifies... They're pig-headed, misogynistic, bull-headed males. Isn't that right?

Yeah. Where do women belong, Andres? In the house. All right. That's how he feels. Yeah. And the ratings of that documentary in Spain is zero. Zero.

Yeah. Because they watched two minutes of it and they're like, ah, fuck it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not crazy. Yeah, yeah. And so he got conscious. He was teaching her the tip of his finger. That's so gross.

Like, yeah? So gross. All right? And I'm like, pretty gross. And then he... So Mia's out of the house because they have this house in Connecticut. He comes over, right? Because it's like a weekend.

Yeah. And all the kids are... Because so many kids, there's like 32,000 kids and they're so... You know, and they have three babysitters. So it's like, how do you keep track of all of them? Sure. Right? So he goes to the attic, right?

You know this, right? Yeah. He goes to the attic with Dylan. And he... Oh, is it yucky? Well, I don't know what yucky is. You know. I think they're going to the attic.

What are they doing up there? They're not looking for Christmas decorations. No, the Ouija board. No, he's squeezing her tight. She's like, she's squeezing me tight. And he was playing with my naughty nonsense upstairs. Oh, no. And how old?

She's, what, 12? 12. So what's going to happen to him now that this documentary is out? Nothing? You got to find picture deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah. Yeah, Universal's like, pick him up.

Pick him up. No, I... Well, I think... You know, because he used to make a movie a year. It's what's interesting... He hasn't done that for a long time. Yeah, but what's interesting about him is that... You know, this shit that like, for instance, one of my favorite...

I mean, if you go to my house, you know the Woody Allen picture I have in my house? Have you seen that one? Do you know who Woody Allen is? Yeah. Scoot the mic. Yeah. No. How many...

We've been doing this for 55 weeks and the mic starts at the end of the day and she just... She doesn't know. Wait, you don't know who Woody Allen is? No, that's why I'm trying to look him up. Well, we'll pull it up here on the screen. You can see he was a filmmaker who made a bunch of very successful, very famous, very well-respected films. There he is right there.

How does he look... Okay, just bring up that picture. Will you click on just that photo and see how... How do you feel about that guy right there? How does that guy make you feel, Jules? Does he look like he would adopt an Asian girl and then make her his bride? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So I have a Woody Allen old school framed photo of Woody Allen in my house. Right. So when I was watching the documentary, I called Kalilah and I screamed at her. I go, flip the... Flip the fucking... Yeah. Take it down.

No, not take it down. Just flip it over. Don't take it down. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I was like... I'm a huge Woody Allen fan. Sure.

You know, I love Broadway, Danny Rose. I love... But I also love his later ones, like Husbands and Wives, Crimes and Misdemeanors. But the movie that I loved... I've seen with Kalilah before is Husbands and Wives. Yeah. But what's interesting about that movie is halfway during that movie, right? Uh-huh.

So Mia is like stopping by Woody... She has keys to his apartment. Mm-hmm. And he's not home. It was the stop by because she was in the area. And she sees naked photos of Sunyi on his drawer, like on the top of a drawer. No. But not...

He's a hustler, like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Barf. What? Barf. Okay. And imagine... So she's in the middle of...

She's the co-star of Husbands and Wives. And she sees those photos. She sees the photos, right? She's like, this is gonna be a good movie. I can't say anything. Yeah. This is... You know, that's her daughter, right?

Gross. How old was it? And the daughter was young, so... So she calls, she's like... You know, confronts them, whatever. And she goes, I think you need a two-week break. So they hold production for two weeks. But then they keep shooting.

So now if you watch Husbands and Wives, you know that somewhere in there... Wow. Right? Mia knows. Get out of town. Yeah, yeah. So I think I want to watch... We watched that movie.

It just throws into a different context. I want to know. Yeah, yeah. And how about we guess... How about let's watch it next week? We'll try to guess what point that we think we should know. Because there's a moment where she questions... Because she leaves him in the movie.

Yes. So there's a moment where she questions their relationship. I hope to think that that's when... Well, maybe he's just a good filmmaker and he did that all for the sake of the film. Maybe. He went... Interesting. He went...

He went fucking Method on it. Super Method. Super Method. Super Method. Yeah. So he was like... What I do is... You know...

I'll... I'll... Soonie... You know... She's got a little breast. Little tiny breasts. And I'll... You know, I'll...

I'll just film her. You know, take photos of her vagina. I'll leave them all over my desk. Leave them over here. And it'll just give up, you know. And then me. Yeah, we'll discover them. And then...

And then... Boom! We got a picture! Oscar! Yeah. Wow. Maybe it was... So you've never heard of this man before?

No. Well, you bring a picture of him and Soonie up so we can all take a look at... There she is right there. Right? Yeah. Ooh, tough. She kind of looks like you, Bob. Oh, that's tough, man.

Oh, no. Oh, no. But she does. Will you blow that up? Just stretch out so we can see it bigger. You look like him. I do. That's me and you.

That's you and I. That's me and you. Yeah, Bad Friends 2032. If we keep doing this podcast, that's you and me. Bad Friends 2032. I didn't know he had a lazy eye. I never noticed that. His left eye is lazy.

He's like 90,000 years old. But he... He's got one eye looking at the camera and the other one looking at Soonie. Look at that. He's like, don't you go nowhere soon. You don't get back... Don't you get back on that ship! And she's looking kind of at him going, I'm not going to get back on that ship.

Yeah. So all this shit, like in 92 and stuff, all this stuff comes out, right? Yeah. I remember when it first kind of became a thing. Yeah, it first came out, right? Yeah. And he still, after that, did movies with Scarlett Johansson. Yeah.

And, you know, he did Blue Jasmine with Kate Blanchett. Yeah. And he just kept going. Yeah. You know, I think that now it's like the culture has completely changed. Totally. Because look at a movie like Manhattan and also Husbands and Wives, right? He has, in Manhattan, guess who his girlfriend is?

She's in the movie. She's 17 years old. Yeah, she's under... Yeah, she's a young girl, yeah. And he's 45 or whatever, right? Right. In fucking Husbands and Wives, he's married to Mia Farrell, but he's a teacher and he has an affair with a 16-year-old student.

That's right. And they got at her birthday party or whatever, right? Right. There's all these themes in his movies. Signs, you would say. One would say hints. Yeah, little crumbles. Yeah.

Little breadcrumbs. But, you know, when you were watching it back in the day, you didn't think that way. Why? Because now I look at it and I go, that's fucking crazy. I think it's culture. But when I saw Manhattan, I was like, masterpiece. Well, yeah. I mean, beautiful.

Right. Right. The way it was shot. But it's also like the history of America, too, right? You think about how these guys, like, you talk to like my grandparents on how people in their generation met. They're like, he was 30 and going off to war. I was nine and he met me at a bus stop.

Right, right. It was just like the crazy. It was okay. Back in the day, yeah. Like we were watching these. We watched the, we finished the Egyptian tombs documentary, you know? I've seen that one. It's phenomenal.

I rewatched some of it just because I wanted to know. It's all right. Get real. Get real. I've seen tombs before. It's phenomenal. Yeah, but once you see one tomb, you've seen them all. What?

A tomb? The discovery of the new tombs. That doesn't blow your mind and make you feel something. I'll be honest with you right now. Can I say something to you right now? You don't like Egyptians. No. I love Egyptians.

I'm a big Alameda fan. I have all these albums. I love all the comedy albums. You know what I mean? Oh, sure. 9-11 here I am. You know what I mean? Well, that's one of them.

9-11 again. 9-11 again. Right. I'm killing. I'm literally 9-11 one more time. Yeah. So, no, I love Egyptians, but they will discover more tombs in the future. Forever.

Yeah. And then you're going to be the white guy. Wow. Remarkable. Unbelievable. It is. Architecture. And wow, the way they mummify these corpses and the deities inscribed inside the wall

are just amazing. How many Koreans have they found into? We don't do that because you don't matter. You don't matter. You don't matter. You're dead. You're dead. No.

No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you're back to Woody Allen. Anyway, yeah. So Woody Allen, the documentary. You know what, Blum?

I had to go get dental work, dude. I got you ready to. We're going to have to film. I'm going to have to get my wisdoms removed. Ooh. I have kept them in my whole life. You do? They never said I needed them out.

Did they hurt now? No, but he was like, we got to take them out now. Why? Because I'm shifting my teeth now. Now my teeth are being pushed. I want them in. I want them in. Are yours out?

Yeah. Your teeth. Well, yours just naturally fell out. You want to see something? Because of drugs. You want to see something? Yeah. Look.

Yeah, it's repulsive. I can't believe that. But this is my point. Not just the wisdom. I took them all out. Did you get your wisdom teeth removed? No. Did they do that over there?

Do you guys have dentists? What do they do over there? No. What they do is they put their head, you know what I mean, on a slab, a rock slab. Yeah, take another rock. They stick the rock in the mouth, right? And they take a little hammer, right? Right like that.

You'll fix. You have them, huh? Yeah. And it's shifting my teeth. Yeah, they try to make you take them out at your age because it's a lot easier. Apparently, it's going to be more painful. And we'll have to get me on drugs. Do you want to go make a dentist, too?

Is that what you want also, as well? No. Huh? No. What else do you want? Nothing. Young, grateful lady. Hey, hey, hey.

We love rude. We love rude. We love rude. No, but I went to the dentist and he was like, oh man, the teeth thing, yada, yada. And it made me flash back to when we were watching the Egyptian thing. And I'm like, these guys still got all their fucking teeth. Three thousand years later. They were in pain all the time.

Good. They were in pain all the time. Do you really think so? I never saw the Egyptian thing, by the way. It's impossible. I know you did. I know you did. I could tell.

I could tell because you were making it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I gave you credit for it. Is it good? It's, honestly, it's unbelievable. Yeah. To watch them discover something. I saw, and I actually kind of need to say something.

I saw maybe two episodes with Kalyla. And I was watching it. I was playing video games on my phone while I was watching it. Yeah. So I remember them, I'm being real, right? They discovered this tune, right? It's one guy, right? Well, there's one guy and his whole family is in there.

Yeah, his whole family. But it's one guy's thing. And he was like a, he wasn't the king, but he was like a, not a priest, but something like that. He was a priest. Yeah, he was. And it's beautiful. I saw, I swear to God.

No, I can tell. I saw it, right? But at one point, I just went, I just kind of went back into my game and I never went back up. I get that. I've done that. Because, no, it was that uninteresting to me. Yeah.

Okay. Because it's like once they, once you see it, right? Yeah. Cool. How ancient. But you're learning how amazing it is that they discovered. Amazing. This was the first finding in this episode, the first finding ever, ever of a lion cub

being mummified. They've never found a lion cub and it was incredible to watch the reaction of these scientists who have spent their entire career dedicated to this thing. They're like, we've only found cats and people. Yeah. Egyptians love cats. They're wild for cats. They found a salamander once.

Did they? Yeah. A mummified salamander. A mummified salamander? They know, in Egypt, right? 50 bucks as you, she doesn't know what a salamander is. All right. 50 bucks.

The Egyptian name, Muhammad, they found this thing. Muhammad too? Yeah. And they found these little tiny, just listen. Yeah. For once. And they found his mummified body and around his body, right, they had these little tiny like rock pots, right?

Huh. And obviously, you know, archeologists, they're like, what is this? Right. See, you know what I mean? And they open it up and there you see. What is that? A little salamander. And he is going, I died 9,000 million years ago at 3000.

Who gives a fuck? It's important. What the archeologist did? He went, no. Yeah. And he fucking threw it on the ground like, I don't give a fuck. That's what he did. They used to get buried with important stuff or stuff that they wanted to take to the afterlife.

What would you get buried with, Rudy? If they said you're dying tomorrow, we got to bury you. What are we burying you with? My dogs. Okay. Which ones? Which ones? We have to kill your dogs?

We're saying you die, not the dogs. No, they have to be with me. Morbid. Yeah. You don't, what I would do just in that case, if I was in addition, I'd be like, if I pass, when my dogs eventually pass, put them in there, I wouldn't go. If I die, kill everyone else at the same time. I want them all at the same time.

What do you want to be buried with, Bob? I want to be, because they believed you got to take that, whatever that was into the afterlife. What would you want? Just be buried then. Nothing. You wouldn't take anything with you? No, because I need glass to do my thing. Well, I'm talking about today.

If you got buried today. Oh, today. I'll tell you what I do today. Okay. Thank you so much for that, right? Thank you so much for that. You got it. Right?

You got it, kiddo. Yeah. And I have to be dressed in like a 1940s tuxedo, like a three-piece suit with a top hat. Okay. No, be cruel. Do you want a cane? Yeah, the whole thing, right? And I need you to put me in a gigantic jar of formaldehyde.

Oh, you want to be, okay. So I want to be floating with the cane, the top hat, right? And I want little buttons, right? So if you, like, and it'll say like, Andrew, you know what I mean? You'll press it. You'll come to my, you know what I mean? Of course I'll come. Memorial or whatever.

I'll be there. I'll go, what's up, dude? That was fun, bad friends. That's all you would say. Yeah. All the time we spent together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up, dude?

That's fun. How many people in there? I know so many people. Yeah, but you don't have to be... So many buttons. You wouldn't give everybody a button. No, I would give... I would give Andreas a button.

You would give him a button. I would go, you did all right or something like that, right? I love you, fancy. I love you, fancy. I would give everyone a button. What would Kalala's button say? It would be long. It'd be really sweet and endearing.

I wouldn't do that voice either. Yeah, baby. What would your brother's button be? Oh, it would be probably long. That would be long? Who would be the shortest button? Who would get granted a button but be the shortest message? Irgriffed.

You know what is it, buddy? What? Sip. That's it. Sip. Sip. Yeah, baby. He's like, oh, man, this motherfucker don't really open what I tell his motherfuckers.

Because I would have seen him complain. Yeah, he would have, bitch. If I was in heaven, I would love to press Eric, right? Sip. I want to see him complain. Then that's all I got, Bobby. I know. You would do that.

He would. He'd be so mad. What would you do? I don't know what I would get buried with. I was thinking, that's how you'd be buried. I think if I was going to be buried with stuff that I want to take to the afterlife, probably like a golf club. I want to be able to hit golf balls in the after.

I could play golf in heaven all day. White. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd just be your golf club and your Confederate flag. You fucking piece of shit. Confederate flag? Yeah. The Union Jack, you mean?

My number one flag in my house. People are always like, I can't find your address. I'm going to say, look for the Union flag on the roof, bro. Better help. Oh, Andrew. Better help has helped us. Honestly, man, therapy has really helped me. Is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals?

Yeah, there is. Andrew, what is it? Yeah, I think sometimes I get super low and depressed, especially when you're gone for a long time and I miss you. And that's a real feeling. Well, that means you might use better help. It will assess your needs and match you with your own life as professional therapist. I use it.

Kalyla at back home, my girlfriend uses it. Yeah, I use it. You can start communicating with people in under 48 hours. And it's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online. Tell them more, Andrew. Yeah, they're committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches.

They make it easy and free to change counselors if need be. Bob and I both use it. We do recommend it very, very much. It's great to do from the comfort of your home, which I'm a big fan of. You don't got to go into stuffy, weird office. And they've helped out so many people and you should be a part of that. If you want to talk to someone about something, come on over to BetterHelp. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp.

And Bad Friends listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com. Bad Friends. Once again, that's betterhelp.com. Bad Friends. Upstart. Hey, Andrew, you know that credit card? Yeah, I got it. That one that you're afraid to look at to see what the balance is.

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No. She's going back to school now. Oh, how school kiddo. Right. So she goes back to school. She goes in. Do you know all these two twins you said? Yeah.

Right? They're your friends? Yeah. So you wear a mask the whole time? Mm-hmm. And they're social distancing in the classrooms? In the classroom, but outside, no one is doing it. Yeah, but you're outside outside.

Are you doing it? Yeah. Uh-huh. Do they make fun of you? Like, oh, they're the fucking foreigner wearing a mask? No. They don't. They don't?

No. So do they, so the two twins that you're friends with, they're two guys. Yeah. Right? And you knew them last year before the pandemic. Yeah. So when you came in the class the first time this time, what did they say to you? These are high.

They're not. They're not. Just let it. Just let it. This is what I have to do with every day. Oh, no. Just let it. What are their names?

Alex and Jonathan. And which one do you like more? I like both. Can you tell the difference between the two? No. Yeah, because Alex is shorter and Jonathan is. Oh, so they're fraternal? Yeah.

Jonathan has a red hair and Alex has blonde. They're not identical. No. Oh, so. Oh, then that's no fun. That's no fun at all. Then why do you even hang out with both of them? You just pick the one you like and then move on.

Yeah. With twins you kind of have to hang out with both of them usually because you're like, I can't make the other one feel bad because it's the same guy, twice. You know? Like the Sklar Brothers. Which one do I like more? I don't know. I'm not allowed to pick.

Yeah. But she also been driving my car to school. I know. I'm really happy that you're driving. And tell them what you did today. I got gas and then I paid. I paid it, but then when I. Oh, you paid for the gas?

Yeah. And then I thought it was already full. So when I went back inside the car, it still had two bars. Wait a minute. You put gas in the car and how much did you put in money wise? I used my card. How much did it say you charged? $49.50.

$49.50 only got you two. Just think about it. The logic of it. Think of the logic. I'm not understanding. Let me just follow me. Speak for her. She goes to the car.

She gets out. She puts the thing in. Right? She puts the credit card in. Right? Yeah. And there's no way it's $49.50. I'll tell you why the logic of that is it's a Prius.

$29.00. Right. It's hybrid. So the $49.00. Was a guy from before. A guy from before. Right. So her credit card was never charged.

Of course not. Okay. So she has the thing in the thing. Right? She's in the car now. I don't know how long she waits. Probably 15 minutes. 20, 30 minutes.

Yeah. That's how long she thinks it takes. Half of this episode. Yeah. Yeah. She's in the car. She goes out. She looks at the...

Oh, $49.50. Whatever. Must be full. Must be full. She's in the car. She's driving now. How come two bars? Because Ding Dong, you got to squeeze the...

Oh, you got to pump the gas, actually. Pump it, actually. I did. No. No. Did you feel it? You can feel the liquid coming through. Yeah.

And I even saw liquid going out. What do you mean? There's no... It's not see-through. What are you talking about? It was an apple gas station. It was clear. Yeah.

It was gray. You didn't see the liquid coming out. No. You didn't. Your credit card was not charged. No. Yeah. Right?

No. It wasn't charged. You didn't even ring it in. You didn't press the fucking regular. Did you press... Yeah. No, you didn't. Which one of the three buttons?

Low, medium, or high? Yeah. Or did you do diesel? Diesel. Yeah, she did diesel. No, it isn't diesel. You said unleaded. That's exactly what it is.

Unleaded. Yeah. Did you press unleaded? Yeah. You had ghost gasoline. Yeah, ghost gas. That car's going to run on the hope, yet ghost gas. What you're telling me is this, is that we can sue Shell.

Oh, yeah. We should sue them. Yeah, sue them. Right? For ghost gas. No. Right. So what do you think the logical thing is?

That you didn't do it right? I didn't do it right. Or it's ghost gas. Right? What? I said I didn't do it right, so you have to teach me. That's right. This is what I have to deal with.

But it's like... I taught her how to tie shoes. But you're such a... I did. Well, they don't have shoes. And the flip lights. She came to... I don't know how it works.

You lift it up like this. She come in. What? Is that sun inside? Yes. You got to teach her how to pump some gas. That's fine. What are the things you need to learn?

They don't teach you this kind of stuff, I guess. No, because in the Philippines, there's like a worker who does it. Right. We have that here in certain states in the United States. They pump gas for you. We don't do that here in California. No. Yeah, no.

There's always a guy. And does he wash your windows, too? Yeah. How much do you pay him? Two dollars. Two dollars. Okay. That's a lot for them.

Is it? I don't know. Half a balut. Here, go get yourself some balut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. To less than two dollars to pump the gas, clean the windows. But now you got to worry about all sorts of stuff.

What if the tires go flat? What happens if you get a flat tire? Do you know about the... Have you taught her about any of the stuff? No. What if a tire goes flat? What's going to happen? Call...

Callila. Okay, so... Okay, look. You're driving on the freeway. And then... Tire's starting to... What do you do? What's the first thing you do?

You slam on the brakes? You push on the gas? You slowly push on the brakes. And then you go to the right side. Oh, someone took a driving test. She has a license, you fuckface. It doesn't sound like it. Apparently...

They don't teach you how to fucking fill gas. Well, that's super important. I know they should. They should. Yeah, they should. They probably don't teach you anything about it. They just teach you how to follow their arbitrary rules. Like stop signs.

Don't stop at stop signs. You know that, right? You don't have to. You don't have to. California law. It's so funny because when I'm driving, because she just took the classes, everything I do, she's like, but, Uncle Tito, you're not supposed to... What do you do?

Oh, she knows all the particulars. And it's like, I don't... You know, they're just suggestions. Yeah. Really, for me. Yeah, they're just saying, hey, maybe... Maybe do this? Yeah.

No, thanks. Like, all the stop signs should have a question mark. Stop? No, thanks. Yeah, yeah. And just keep going. Yeah. You're friends from another podcast.

We're talking shit about you guys. These guys won't give up. I heard about it. Yeah. These guys won't give up. I heard about it. Oh, I wanted to bring up this to you guys. I don't know if you saw Bad Friends.

They fired some shots at you guys. It was actually a response to Theo calling out Bobby, called Sleepy. That's right. It was a response. He started the war. Yeah. You know how you can tell he has an eye that just wanders sometimes? What about these two doucheys are doing, right, is that you're trying to provoke a war with

real warriors. Right, with real warriors. Yeah, yeah. Wrong. They're trying to provoke a war with true warriors. Yeah. You know what? We have mental capacities.

Yeah. Yeah. There's the thing. You and I say we're stupid all the time. Yeah. We do that as a fun... We're dumb and we're not that smart. Yeah.

This is about you. These two guys? Yeah. Honestly. They said two guys. I'm not kidding. Pound for pound. The dumbest people I've ever met in my life.

I doubt that. They're the same of that, just taking shots. And who are these guys? I'm sorry. Look, are they trying to do a shitty version of King of the Sting? Pause it. What? Yeah.

Bring up the numbers. Who's doing better? Don't do that. Don't do that. We don't want to do that. All right. Stop. We don't want to do that.

But also... Yeah. Bring up the numbers. No, no, no. We don't want to go down that road. I know. Bring up the numbers. I understand.

I understand. No, we shouldn't. Because we know the numbers. I know. They're better. And it feels good. It feels good. Bring up the numbers.

No. But honestly... But my point is is that... Bring up the numbers. They are. Look, I'll admit. One of these guys is a great comment. Um...

Pause it. You know, it's tough to... Yeah. What do you think he's talking about? No, but you know what I mean. Yeah. The numbers are right. But who do you think he's talking to?

He's saying that you're a great comic. I'm not. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's doing this to try to divide us. I know what he's trying to do. I know what he's trying to do. I don't care.

I think you're a way better comic than I am. I think you're a one... Let's play the video. Okay, go ahead. This is good. Hey, by the way, good tactic. I'll say this. And what here's the deal with what they don't realize is that there's nothing that can

destroy this. It's a bond for life. Yeah, yeah. It's so thick. And these two... They don't even... These two out of work reality stars. Go ahead.

What else, dude? Look, these are great guys. You know, I remember I was there for Bobby. And Bobby doesn't like to talk about this. But when he... Bobby, a lot of people do not know, auditioned to be in... Find it. A...

Find it. Find the lie. Find it. I don't want to get the wrong E's, but I want to say Japanese or Korean E's. Korean E's. And he... It was a... What's the group of...

It's like the people and they can't... They're kind of smaller and they're getting older, but they... They're trying to get that lady at the... Diamond Mine or something I'm talking about. No. Seven Dwarfs. Seven Dwarfs. Oh.

So Bobby auditioned to be in that, dude. And he was like the 8th Dwarf or something, bok choy. And didn't get it, bro. And I remember reading the fucking scripts with him. And his lines were so easy, you know? It was like, I'll wake her up, you know? Just like... Yeah, basic shit, man.

He's easy. He was in a Daniel Day Lewis script, you're saying? And he went in there and just bombed it, you know? He could not get it right. And I was there for him after that. And so Bobby and I have like a long history. The history with the other guy. Guys, because of this, I checked out your INDB pages just to see, you know, who has worked more.

Oh, who's worked more? And it's kind of interesting if you guys want to see. I'd love to see. Yeah, I'd love to see. Thank you. I've never looked. I've never looked either. All right, let's see.

Okay. So let's see. Let's see. Whoa! 75 credits there. Who is that? Who is that me? Yeah, that's you.

And he's 15. That's close? Nope. Yeah, that's pretty close. What is 75 minus 15? 50. I did 50 more things. 50 more.

But also what things? Because I think he is in short films and a little bit of like... 60 more things. Well, he's probably done some really big stuff, Namcar Night Race official music video. Pretty good. That's pretty heavy. Pretty good. Burning Man Dan 2.

Great movie. They should have won an Oscar, but he got snubbed. I can't believe they got snubbed. He got snubbed. And yeah, some other bangers. There's some other bangers. Oh, he did Bad Baby's music video. That's also...

That's actually pretty awesome. Go up there. That's pretty good. Oh, but look what it says. Bad Baby's music video, child predator pedophile. That's what he played? Yeah. Okay.

Cool. So, Andrew versus Brandon. Yeah. Okay. Let's see. I did. How many things? 30 things.

Pretty good. One. One thing. That's very funny. But the one thing he did was great. It was phenomenal. Yeah. What was it?

Fighter and the Kid 3D. Fighter and the Kid 3D. Anyway, these guys are... Anyway. We love those dudes. They're up and coming. They're on their way. They're newbies.

And then they may one day get to our level. It'll pop. It'll pop. They might get to our level. It'll pop. Yeah, yeah. It'll pop. They're very good dudes.

We love them both. Shout out to... Yeah, to Johnny Schwab and Jason. To Schwab and Baum. Schwab and Baum. Schwab and Baum. We love those dudes, man. What else do they got to say?

You want to see the rest of whatever they got to say? Not really, but let's keep going. By the way, let's make it known again. They started this bullshit. We didn't come at them. I know. Yeah, it's... But you know what?

Because, you know... People that are trying to start shit with us, including Chrissy Chaos and Sal Volcano over there. Yeah. They sent us a bag of shit and we have our retaliation on the table. You know what we're going to do to them, right? We decided as a group that we want to give them a little slice of home, a little spice of life.

Yeah. So we've got some buzzers. I've got my trimmer here. I think we give them a bag of our pubes. What do you say, kiddo? I have a lot of pubes right now. I'd love to shave them. All right, Rudy, you got to leave the room for this inappropriate bit that we're about

to do, obviously. I would love to shave them. So please get out of the room. Yeah. We're shaving pubes now. Yeah. Obviously. Insane.

Get out. All right. Okay, come on in here and bring up... What are the shavers? Do you even know who this is, by the way? He's great. Do you know his name? Randy John.

Randy? You think his name's Randy? Yeah, he's the best. It's the funniest thing I've ever heard of my entire life. Yeah. All right, so how can we make sure we get this in the bag? How do we get in the bag? I don't know.

Hand. You put it on the table and you put it in your hand. How? I'll show you. All right, let's do it. Well, no, no, no. You put it on the bag first somehow. No, you put it on the table and you scoop it up and put it in the bag.

And then you shuffle it in the bag? Yeah. Good call. Okay, go ahead. Should we do it at the same time? Hold on. Hold on. We should do it at the same time.

Bob, hold on. All right. All right. Hold on, Bob. Hold on, please. Rudy, don't close your eyes. Rudy, don't go. Rudy, you're not allowed to look.

All right. Look at how hairy I am. Oh, my God. I've never seen orange pubes like that before. I hate it. It's a lot, right? Okay. We should mix it.

No, we should mix the orange and the black in one bag. Oh, you're right. That's funny. Yeah, that way they get it together because we are, we're a unit. Great. Gross. So many pubes. It hurts.

All right. So, um... Pubes everywhere. Let's do this as a ritual. There's an old Korean ritual. Yeah. You eat one little hair. I eat a few wood of your hairs.

What ritual is that? It's a Korean wood ritual. Is it really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I feel like I've never heard of that before. Yeah. So I eat one of your hairs. It'll bond us for life.

I have to eat one of your pubes and you have to eat one of mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we have to stick it, see it, see it on the tongue. I'll go first. Okay. All right. Look at the fluff there. There's...

Pubes on my phone. Oh, dude, please. This is... That's a lot. Honestly, this looks like, um... Don't do it. Muppet hair. Please don't do it.

It looks like muppet hair. Don't do it, don't do it. Oh, my God. How does it taste? Go ahead. Get some. Look at how long that one is. Yeah, yeah.

Stick it in your mouth. No, stick it in your mouth. No, I didn't see you do it. It's in. No, you threw it away, dude. I put it in my mouth. That's fucking bullshit, dude. I put it in my mouth.

I'll give you a piece. I'll give you a piece. No! I'll stick it in your mouth. No! No! Man, dude. No!

Yeah, I have to see it. Because you know I... No, give me your... Give me your... No, look at how many pubes that is. I won't put it all in. You didn't put any in your mouth. It's like dead.

This is like Fresco Mianian. It's like what? Fresco Mianian. Cameras on. Cameras on. Okay. No, that's so many. Put your fucking hand up to Cameras on, dude.

Don't be a fucking dick, dude. Let's see if I show this. There we go. There we go. All right, let's mix them together. Here we go. I'll just do it in my bag. Okay, yeah.

Send your bag over to me. So we're going to give those guys a gift. Here we go. Here we go. I'll just do it in my bag. Okay, yeah, then send your bag over to me. So we're going to give those guys a gift. Oh my God.

It shaved so close. I don't have a lot here, huh? I've got a ton. I told you I was growing for a while. What is that going to do? That's not... That's... We should put shit in and come.

Okay. I'll do whatever you want to do, bud. It's a lot. A lot of poops coming out of me. Oh. Okay. Okay. Let's get this off the desk.

Go ahead. Hello, fresh. Hey, man. If you eat food, and Bobby and I both eat food. Let me tell you something. And you don't want to go get it. You can get it delivered to you. Come on.

Before I went on my last trip, we had Hello Fresh at the house, and we had one of their hamburgers. Mm-hmm. It was so damn good, dude. Yeah. It's so good. Tell them more about it. I'm surprised at how easy these things are to make, honestly.

It's very simple. They cut out stressful meal planning and grocery store trips for you. You can enjoy cooking at the house. They have 10 to 20 minute meals, low prep recipes. I'm telling you, I'm so dumb with cooking. I've watched a thousand hours of cooking shows. I don't know how to make anything, but it's so easy because it's step by step with them. With 25 plus.

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to skip a week. It's totally worth it. We both love Hello Fresh. I keep asking them to send me more, and these guys won't send me more because I think George takes some of them because I want more. Yeah, because I don't want to shop. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Bad Friends 12 and use the code BADFRIENDS12 for 12 free meals, including free shipping.

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It doesn't improve your length. It just proves the length of time. You know that, right? It's just length of time. I know, but it feels long. It feels probably a little bit longer. A little longer, you know what I mean? Especially if you trim.

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And we thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the pod. What do you think about this? You think we came from monkeys? Oh, yeah. You do? Oh, yeah, yeah. How long? How many years?

Billions. Billions of years we were, but then why are monkeys still around? Because they're starting to evolve as well. And so how long will it take them? A billion years. And then what will we have? Another human species? And then we will evolve into something else.

What do you think we're going to involve? Well, I think like our thumbs will not be there anymore. Yeah. You know what I mean? I think that eventually we're going to have like controls, we'll be half cyborg for sure. Half cyborg? Yeah, yeah, because we're going to start putting, they're going to start putting stuff in our bodies like nano, nano, nanotechnology, nanobots.

You believe that? Yeah. We'll have like our credit cards and, you know, all our information stored in our body within chips. I don't, I don't like that chips. Because then when we walk by, you know, we get, we go to CVS, right? There'll be no. No transactions.

You know, it'll beep, you know what I mean? But then it'll go, you know, zero. What was the name of that movie? Justin Timberlake was in it where you like traded lifeline numbers. What was that called? Time. Time. Yeah.

But it'll be, it'll be something like that. But then you'll get robbed. People will stick and be like, give me your arm and then you'll, they'll, they'll grab you for your chip. No. You don't think that's a possibility? No, because I think inevitably it'll be like Star Trek where we will have no crime. Yeah.

You think in the future there's not going to be any crime? I don't think there's going to be need for money. What's going to replace money? Our quest for knowledge and growth. What are you talking about? If you would have said digital money, I would have made more sense, but like Bitcoin and stuff. No.

Yeah. Eventually we will evolve as a species. Yeah. And we will have no need for the things that even sex we won't have need for. That's insane. It's an innate human built thing. No, but we will, we will evolve above it. You think we'll go beyond sex?

Yeah. That we'll just have babies. How? Just by artificial insemination? Yeah. Through technology. Machines. Machines.

They'll take an egg. They'll take the sperm. They'll put it outside of the body. Yeah. Yeah. It'll happen quickly. Wow. Yeah.

You'll be able to grow a baby in like two weeks. Well, you know, you can already pick the baby. You can pick like the, what's that? Look that up. What's that called? You can pick like the genetic, you can pick the genetics of the baby. You can choose like eye color now. You can go into like all sorts of crazy specifics.

Yeah. If you have millions of dollars, you can pick what your baby's going to look like. Yeah. Would you do that? No. You want to gamble? You want to roll the dice? No.

I'll tell you why. Because, you know, there are things about me that to the lay person or, you know, an outside observer will go, that's not good or, you know what I mean? I don't like that. Right. Or I don't like the way that looks or I don't like how that human is behaving. But to me, there are specific, you know, Bobby Lee traits that are my, my own. Yeah.

Right. And I would love to pass. If I mean, Kalyla had a baby, I would love to see what our mixtures would do. Right. And maybe our kid will definitely be sensitive and fucked up and wild, right? Or the opposite. You don't know. We don't know.

Right. It could have taken out, you know, maybe more like my dad, more withdrawn. Yeah. I don't, I don't know with Kalyla, but whatever it is, you know, our kid will be our kid and it'll be interesting. The mistakes will be worth it. I think so, man. Yeah.

I think that, you know, I've been watching a lot of baby videos on YouTube. What do you mean? Just like baby goofy? Yeah. Like, but baby is like farting or laughing and stuff like that. Yeah. I mean, because you're a baby hungry right now. I'm not baby hungry.

I just been, you know, I was looking at dogs. Dogs and babies one of the same. Well, I was looking at dogs and then, you know, how you look at dogs for a while and then all of a sudden, you know, they'll suggest a baby one. That's what I mean. Like baby. Yeah. And all of a sudden, you know, 15 hours later, you're looking at aliens.

You know what I mean? Right. You know what I mean? Spirits and theories. Yeah. Aliens built the pyramids. Yeah. And then you watch tombs again and it's all sick.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You do. Yeah. Kalyla was on my show and we talked about it. I don't want that. I don't want that. I'm talking about you guys making a baby.

What did she say? She's not into it. I know she's not. I know she's not. No, she is. Maybe. I don't think she is. No, could we talk about it?

I don't, she's, sometimes she's in. Sometimes she's out. Sometimes she's out. Sometimes she feels like a nut. Sometimes she don't. You don't like babies at all, right, Jules? No, I don't. Would you like our baby?

No. I'll be kind. I'll be kind. Kind. Kind. I'll be kind. I'll be kind. I said the serial killer.

I'll be kind. What do you say? You won't, like, love it? No. No, I will care, but I'll still hate babies. It's so interesting. What is it about babies you don't like? You don't like their little fucking head, their big heads?

Or you don't like the way they cry? Or what is it? I don't like everything about them. You don't like anything about them. Like, there's nothing cute about them. I'll tell you why, because she was the oldest in her clan. Right. And she doesn't want to.

And she had to raise little ones. Yeah, it's annoying. And she was much older, right? Me? Yeah. Your two brothers, like, your youngest brother, how old is he? Six. Six.

So you were like, what, you were 12 when they were born? Yeah, 12. Yeah, 12. So it's like, you know, so she's like, and then her mom's working her death, so she's like, can you look after, and then, you know, this is a 12-year-old. What about your childhood taken away from you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why.

Well, that's why you hate kids. Yeah, yeah. God, the way that we can damage kids is so sad. Just by making them be babysitters, huh? Yeah, it's like, it's little things that's like, you know, I would have to take a course. On how to raise a kid? Yeah. What not to do?

Yeah, because look, everyone's going to make mistakes, but you still live the life of a teenage boy, so it would be tough for you. What do you mean? Think of it like a baby schedule? You play video games from- Bro. Bro. Stop.

Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro. First of all, if I knew a baby was coming, I would do some, you know, internal, you know, voyages within myself. In what regard? In terms of, like- You stop drinking, redbull, stop smoking, stop playing video games? Yeah, certain things that I would have to change. What would you change?

Fuck, man. What I would, I would only- I'd only play video games during the day. Don't believe it. Okay, I'm just telling you, okay. I would, no more Red Bull. You'd quit Red Bull. I would drink just coffee. Like black coffee.

I drink black coffee at home, do I not? Right? And I'll complete smoking completely forever. You'd stop smoking like that. 100%, like that. 100%. I need the documentary about the murder of the Mormons. Mormons, we didn't watch it.

We were gonna watch it last night. All these things I wanna talk to you, I saw it. Yeah, but we can't give away anything that people haven't seen yet. What if they haven't seen it? Yeah, it was fucking crazy. Mormons have always been that secret. But this is different.

This is some, this guy. Do we have water? I have a puke in my throat. Yeah, we need some water. I have like, like orangey. I have pubes in my throat. Pubes in my mouth. Tell me about the Mormons.

The documentary is about Mormon artifacts. Thank you. Thank you. You know what I mean? Wash down these pubes real fast. Yeah, me too. Like old Mormon literature documents. Mormon, the Mormon thing was found, right?

Didn't he find it in a hat? Isn't that what it was? No, man. Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith didn't find it. There was a moroni or whatever the fucking God came down. A moroni? That's his name, moroni.

Here comes moroni. Moroni came down. I am moroni. I am moroni, right? And Joseph was sleeping in the cabin. I don't know exactly what it about. I think this is a app. I think I'm right.

There was a glow through the window. Right. And I think moroni took his hand through the window and did like a little, wake up. Hey. Yeah. That's what you do when you're a spirit. Hey.

You can't just show up. You got to put a hand through something and go, hey. Right? So Joseph, you know, when you see a spiritual hand through your cabin window, you get a little scared. I'm sorry. It's happened to me three times, right? Especially from a nap.

Big time. You're like, what the fuck, right? Oh, a spirit. Yeah, yeah, a spirit, right? But then you realize, oh, it's moroni, right? So then, so Joseph Smith walked out of the thing and moroni was standing there and going, well, hey, hey.

Yeah. I mean, I'm moroni, right? Moron, moroni. Whatever. And Joseph Smith is probably, I mean, if that happened, you'd be urinating yourself. Yeah, you pissed yourself. A little bit.

But then you're trying to act cool because it's God. Hey, God. Yeah, yeah. But you're really pinging. Have you pissed yourself? Yeah, he wouldn't know though, right? I did. Right?

And he goes, hey, check this out. And they go into the forest. Now, for me, you know, if moroni said come to the forest, I would have to ask, what are we doing first? Because I'm not going in there. We could always do it in my kitchen. Yeah, right? You have to ask, where are we going?

But moroni, he's noble. Yeah, but Joseph is the ding dong. So yeah, he's like, the, all right. So he went in there. And I guess moroni took a shovel. Yes. I guess they had shovels back then, right? Yeah, of course they did.

Took a shovel and he just started digging. Yeah. And obviously, Joseph's like, am I going to die? Are you going to bury me or whatever? And then there was these gold and tablets. Tablets, yeah. Do you remember those? Yeah, they were buried.

They're buried. Yeah. And he goes, this is, you know what I mean? It was left out of the Bible. You know what I mean? I forgot to put this in the Bible. It fell out. Right.

God was rushing and he's like, binding the Bible together. Right, and he forgot to go. He's like, oh, there's four pages in my office. Yeah, yeah, that's what happened. Yeah. And he also, thousands of years later, decided. Well, he just remembered.

Oh, you think that's what it is? Well, God was sitting around with a friend and he was having a conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was talking and he was like, oh, no, no, he had a house keeper, cleaning his office. Yeah. Right?

Woo. Underneath the couch. Right. And four pages. God? God, what are these four pages? I suck up your pages. He's Mexican even in heaven.

You have to be. I suck up your pages, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so did I. What happened, Esmeralda? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I suck up the four pages. Yeah.

Of the, I think, the Bible. And then he went, whoa, whoa, holy fuck. God probably did. Holy fuck. Yeah, he's freaking out. Because he's already, he's already published. It's down there. It's down there.

They've read it. 100,000 of years. Yeah. He go, whoa, fuck, no. And then he goes, what do I do? Jos Moroni. That's what he said. Moroni's like, yes, boss.

Yeah, yeah. What do you need? You got to go down. To earth? Yeah. Oh, boy. OK. And I'll make these gold.

It'll be heavy, God. I'll just take the sheets if you don't mind. Right. The regular paper stuff. I want to make it hard for you. OK. Moroni. I'll take gold.

Right. So then he goes, send them down there. And he probably, because if I was God, I would be like, go to New York. Right? I wouldn't go go to. Utah. Utah.

Right. In the middle of the fucking, you know what I mean? First of all, you'd place it somewhere, holy. God would have been like, go to the Vatican, where the pope is sleeping, and put at the top of his house. He wouldn't. Go to the pope. Or go to the pope.

You wouldn't go to the pope. Yeah, you wouldn't just go. You wouldn't go to God named Joseph. And go, bury it. I imagine Moroni goes down. That's what it was. He was supposed to go to Vatican City to the pope, and Moroni comes down here, the goofball that he is,

and he forgets where he's going. They didn't have Google Maps back then. No, how does he know? They didn't have Google Maps back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No map quest. He doesn't print out directions. He's like, guess this is it.

He's the middle of the fucking forest in Utah, in one cabin. He probably wasn't even supposed to see Joseph. Of course not. Yeah, yeah. Of course not. And Joseph is an alcoholic. I guess that guy is the guy I was trying to, you know what I mean? Joseph was sleeping off a bender.

And Joseph is sitting there picking his nose, jacking off in a fucking cabin, right? And he goes, come with me to the forest. Yeah, so he goes out there, and so. There's pubes on my mic. I know, me too. I still have pubes in my mouth. Me too.

Yeah, it's very. But and it's so I had one puke between my teeth, I think, and I wet it. Now it's now. I wet it. Now it's a. No, it's a. Noodly.

Noodle puke. It's a noodly orange puke in my mouth. But so then. They go to the forest and he says, did. So this is, and he goes, and the. You can make another book with these pages. He's like, but I got, but how? Yeah.

Also, it's like I'm playing chess with my wife. I mean, I got shit going on, you know what I mean? Got a whole thing planned. Yeah, yeah, and then he's like, yeah, this is called was the Book of Mormon. Because more more on I. Is that why? That's right.

OK. And so then I guess that's how the church was started. That's exactly right. Right. And then so what the documentary is about is I guess in the beginning of the church, there were a lot of documents because back when you're starting a religion. I got to keep tabs.

You got to write shit down. You got to write it all down. So there were some letters written, you know what I mean? And the documentary is about this one guy, Mark Hoffman. Love the name. Yeah, who he, at an early age, discovered one of the earliest documents of Mormon literature. Right.

And I have to give away the show. OK. Spoiler alert. If you haven't seen the documentary, then look away. This is not interesting if it's not. Skip, skip, skip, skip, skip. And it'll be time coded below. You'll see when I go to the next one.

Yeah, yeah. OK, go ahead. But it's also something that was also world famous. It was known. It's known. It was known. So this guy discovers that he's, and then all of a sudden he discovers like all, even stuff that has nothing to do

with Mormon literature or, or, or history. What is it? It's just like American history shit. Wow. You mean like, you know, a letter from John Adams is something, right? Cool. And he's discovered, he goes to flies in New York, goes all

over the country, and he's discovered, that's what it is. He's a treasure hunter. Where is he finding all this shit? Like, he goes to, he goes to libraries, he, he looks things up, like, you know what I mean? And he goes, and, but at the end of the day, and he sells shit. Like, he sells, you know, you know. So the first one was a letter from Joseph Smith's wife

to somebody, wife to somebody. And it says in the letter that there was no moronite. It was a white salamander. What? What? Yeah. Bring up a picture of a white salamander so I can see what he's talking about.

So a white salamander showed up at Joe, I'm not kidding you. That's what moronite looks like. No, that wasn't moronite. No. So the letter goes, you know, it wasn't moronite, it was actually a white salamander. Very cute, by the way. Very cute.

Who liked, very cute, right? Very cute. I get it. Who led Joseph Smith to the tablets. By the way, I'm going with that thing in the woods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going right to the woods. Yeah.

If that little thing is like, hey, come to the woods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I'm going to the fucking woods. Also, what are you doing out of the water and how long can you be out of the water that would be concerning? Yeah. How long can you be out of the water? Well, I would have a bucket. Right. I go, well, hold on, hold on. I would get like, you know, my, you know, Passani water, purified water, like really good shit.

Passani, yeah. Yeah, or Fiji, whatever. And put in a nice, you know, me clean. And I would stick it. I would put little rocks in their leaves. No, nice. Like a white salamander. Just let me know, you know, and point.

And he'd be like, that way. So he, in the letter, it says a white salamander led him to write the tablets, which destroys all of, you know what I mean? Sure. The Mormons, you know, thinking about how it started in the first place. They think a salamander. It throws everything off, right? Right. So, you know, and then so the Mormon church bought it.

Now they're like, OK. No, no, they wanted to buy it to hide it, right? We can't get that shit out there. Yeah, man. They'll find out. Right, because Moroni's our guy, we have statues. We built a lot. We built a lot from Moroni.

So that he would do, he discovered all these letters and, you know, and at the end. Let me guess. What? They killed him. No. They had him killed. No. No?

He did blow up in a car. So they had him killed? No. Bobby, he blew up in a car. How do you think they had, cars don't just blow up all the time. This isn't casino. I'm telling you. Can I tell you what it is then?

Yeah, leak it. Swallow alert all over the fucking place. Well, then I won't tell you. You're asking me. I'm saying to them. I'm listening to you. People are listening. He, all of it. In fact, the salamander letter went to the FBI.

It was fake. The FBI looked at it. Authentic. It's fake. He's the greatest forger to ever live on planet Earth. Wow. What year was this? In the 80s.

Yeah, but the technology was wack back then. We didn't have a forensic scientist. Science either. It doesn't matter for the FBI to look at a letter. I go, this is legit from, you know what I mean? The FBI. Look at some of the letters. Look at some of the letters.

Show me some of the letters. The salamander letter. Where's the salamander letter? Wow. That's what he forged. Stretch that out, baby. And what he would do is this, dude. Yeah.

The white salamander letter. So what he would do is he would take, you know, paper. And age it. But not only would he age it, he would write the letter right. He would take a suctioner on the other side of the thing to suck. Because I guess when ink bleeds through time. So he sucks all the ink into the page, right?

He puts chemicals on it, dries, right? He puts, he made this jar where he lit smoke. So the letter would get smoke. And he would do, it would take months to create one of these masterpieces. Sure. And there was no way to differentiate. That's art.

Right. And people went, oh, I'll buy that. They were going to buy one that was $1.5 million. So what happened was one guy was on to him or whatever. So he sent him a package, blew him up. There's another guy, his buddy, he blew up. And then the next day he goes, oh, I think they're all pointing to me that I blew these guys up.

They died, right? So I'll just kill myself. So he. Who was this guy that did all the killing? Hoffman. Right. The guy that does the forgery. He, he killed all these other guys.

Because they, he's think they're on to him. On to him. And then he kills himself. The next day he, but he doesn't die. He blows up in a car. He's so good at this, but can't kill himself. Yeah. Right.

And then he's on the sidewalk. He's on fire. Right. He is, everything's gone. Right. He's just right. And he is alive. They saved this guy.

Yes. People came on, it's Hoffman. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Hoffman's on fire. On fire, right. And then he wakes up in the hospital. Right.

Yeah. And he's still alive now. Wow. Where is he? Is he in prison? Yeah. No, he's fucking Hawaii. Well, some of these guys, they got away from

Whitey Bulger was living in Venice. No, but he, yeah, it's an amazing documentary. Is he, wow. Yeah, it's, he had everyone fooled. And he's, he was, he did it. He as a kid would do shit like that. Ford stuff. No, he loved pranking people.

Oh, this is a long prank. That's a good bit. Yeah. And he also said like, MTV's historic pranks. Yeah. So it was like, who would host that fucking show? He's the, he's the best at whatever that is.

Also, Andrew, you have that prank called you did to the video store. Oh, let's hear it. Hey, is this the video store? Yes. Cool. So I'm sitting here with my buddy and we're having a conversation about

some of the greatest movies ever made. Okay. And this fucking guy is talking about the movie Elf. You ever seen this movie Elf? The movie Elf? It's the Christmas movie, the fucking Will Ferrell. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen that. Yeah. This fucking guy said that Elf is better than Enter the Dragon. I want to put this moron on the phone. Elf is phenomenal.

Oh my God. Don't even, please, please, whatever. That, that's some bullshit. I'm, excuse my French. I'm sorry. It's not even a case. No. It's unique.

Memorable lines, great film. It's incredible. No, I'm not gonna say it's not a bad, it's not a terrible movie. Right. But you can't compare it to any 220s martial arts movie which your buddy just said, man. It's no comparison to me.

You can only compare it on a technical level. It's a fucking Christmas movie. Exactly. I want this stuff for Christmas. Like, with all the karate movies, you can watch it year round. Exactly. Yeah. Elf is the illest shit.

Yes. Yes. And that's exactly, it's funny, but like I said, it's no comparison to a martial arts movie. Even like, for example, It Man. So It Man 1. It Man 2. It Man 3.

It Man 4. No comparison, man. Elf is better. I'm sorry. I cannot even justify that. Really? I mean, I even brought up Mean Streets, one of the greatest movies of all time.

This fucking guy still says Elf is better over Mean Streets. Oh my good. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Well, I don't like Mean Streets. I love Elf. Something else that you think will beat Elf.

As far as martial arts? Yeah. Okay. Okay, martial arts right now, I might say. Into the dragon. China's connection. Five things are death. Sure.

It Man 4. It Man 1. Cross and Tiger Hidden Dragon. I keep going on and on, man. Ooh, that's tough. That's very tough. I'm going to go with, of course, Elf. Man, Shogun Assassin.

Elf is better. Master Killer. Elf is better. Vista the White Lotus. Three evil masters. Elf is better. The extensive knowledge that that guy has of Kung Fu movies. I don't agree with him either, though.

Somebody cut that up. That was really good. That guy that cut that up and used my voice. Well, that's not real. Are you out of your mind? That's a fan of ours. Used that clip of the argument we had about Elf. Episode, many episodes ago.

He cut my voice up. That's used in one of those machines. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, that's not me. That's a fan using- That's really good. It's also very scary.

They can cut us up to say anything. That is pretty scary. Think about the shit that we say on this show. We're the other guy, though, that it calls. He's the fan. He calls the video store. And he pretends to be my buddy sitting in the same room with me using our voice.

Shit, I have to- Fart Simpson, as far as we know. Fart Simpson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, he took my voice and clipped it up from when we got in the argument about Elf. Really glad for stuff. I really enjoyed it.

When are you going to Hungry? Are you excited? Can we tell the fans that you're going to Budapest? Yeah, I mean, I guess you can say that I'm going to Budapest. I just, I'm a little- Bobby's going to shoot a movie for three weeks or four weeks. Five weeks. Wow.

Five weeks, yeah. Maybe that'll be the end of this show. I'm nervous about it. I'm really nervous about it. Why are you nervous? Because, you know, it's like, I don't know. It's because I don't really- Are the girls coming?

No. Calila will mid-trip. Yeah. But it's like, it's, you know, I'm never invited to do big things. This is huge. It's a huge movie. And I have a small, obviously, like, you know, it's as small as what I did in Harold and Kumar.

Who cares? Who cares, right? But it's like, there is an excitement, but there's also a little of unknown factor of like, you know what I mean? What is, you know, because I've been on two times because I was in, that was a big movie set, was The Dictator, and that also was in Pineapple Express.

Yeah. Pretty big, you know what I mean? So huge movies. Huge movies. And it's just a different, you know, thing. And then I thought I was kind of out of the game for many, many years. Just doing, you know, my own thing with you and all this stuff.

It felt good. But then now I got invited to do this thing. So it's exciting. That's going to be huge. But yeah. That's going to be such a, that's such a, are you proud of Tito Bobby? She doesn't give a shit.

And I don't care what she says. Are you proud, Jules? Yeah, I am. She's proud of you. Yeah. She's never seen anything I've done. That's not true. She has.

We talked about it one time. Look at her face. She's never seen anything I've done. I've seen splitting up together. It's a good show. Fuck you. Wait a minute. It was a good show.

Yeah, yeah, she did. It got canceled, but it was a good show. It didn't deserve to be, I'll tell you that. Didn't not deserve to be. I'm on my six month of filming Dave. A lot of fans say, why do I say Davey? Because you say that. Yeah.

I'm going to say honestly, I've never seen Dave. Said the right way just now. Fine. Right? Yeah, I don't care. But you know, from the clips, I've seen clips. It's a funny looking show. Not being real.

I'm being honest with you. Okay. And I've seen ads with you in it. Yeah. Like advertising with you in it, right? Okay. You look great in it and give you a compliment, man. Thanks.

And did you have to audition for that? They did. They ran me through a big rig of my role. I don't think you auditioned. I did. Did you audition for it? I did. No, you didn't.

I had to do chemistry reads with Dave. Yeah, but you didn't audition for it. Same thing. I did chemistry reads with Dave. This is okay. I just want to let everyone know what this is. This is okay. Most people.

I had to audition. Shut the fuck up, man. It's insane. It's not insane. I had to audition. Let me finish what I'm saying. Can I? Is that my podcast, Sue?

Stop acknowledging me and get through it then. Go. I will. So most people, you know, your average actor, they call their agent and they go, hey, is there anything? Right. And their agent goes,

hey, baby, I'm out of my gold stream jet right now. I don't know. There's nothing down on earth. Right. Good luck. And then they hang up on them. Right. Yeah.

But some people, they go, hey, they really, FX really wants you for this thing. But obviously you have to do a chemistry read with the lead. Right. They already saw 2,300 people for the part to stop. Don't shake your head again. And if you roll your eyes, I'll gouge them out. All right.

We'll gouge them out. Right. They're going to chemistry you, right. And Seth Green, probably. Right. It's always like two big names. You and Seth Green, either one of you will get it. Come and read.

You show up. They have fucking cappuccinos. Yeah. Right. You don't sign up. No. Yeah. You go and you talk.

You talk to shop, whatever. You want to put it on the feet. You're beautiful. You're also in a beautiful rehearsal hall. It's not like a little office. No, I did mine in a little office. Fuck you. And so they go and then you show up and you go,

no, let me finish my cappuccino and then we'll do it. Yeah. Right. So you drink your cappuccino, you talk to the guy. I got to go take a phone call real fast. You're all right. And then you do it and it's like after you're done, everyone laughs.

You know, it's like one of those things where when people audition, the customer goes, all right, thank you. And you kind of leave. But what he does is after they do the take, they laugh. Right. I go, man, you improvised that right line. You improvised that line. That was great, man.

That was good. We were in sync. Let's do it again. Let's try this one. You know what I mean? And they work on it. Yeah, for about an hour. For about an hour.

Right. And when you audition, you have to park on the street, 15 miles away, right? And then you have to go through 15 gates. Just let me finish. All right. 15 gates, right? And you have to show ID and then it's like,

then you show up in a fucking hallway with 50 people. You sign your name, you have to wait for three hours and then you go into a little office. But for his thing, chemistry reading, right, he gets to drive on a lot. Did you drive on? Did you drive on? Did you drive on?

No. Yeah, you did. He drives on. They have his name on a fucking fucking thing, right? You park, right? You probably have a room. First of all, I had a driver, so I didn't drive on. All right.

My point is, is that it's a little different. It's a little different. But I know I had to audition for the show. That's not auditioning. I didn't do that. It's not like the old, it was, it was. Anyway, thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.

I got up to my seat, right? I know. I went to the seat. I counted 26 times. Okay. As we're literally descending into LAX, right? The flight attendants are all strapped in, right? And in my mind, I'm like, I'm counting.

I'm like, I don't, I just kind of cocculated in my mind, right? Of my body, I go, I can't, there's no way. Never going to make it. Never going to make it, never going to make it. So I get up, right? Yeah. And then the stewardess go, sit down, sit down. We're descending.

And I turn to first class, I yell it. I don't know what else to say, right? I'm in the fucking plane, right? Yeah. I pulled out my pants, right? Jackson Pollock painting. You know what I'm right? I've never been in the bathroom landing.

Have you ever done that? No. Oh my, you feel so guilty. But how cool is it? It's cool. And also you don't need a seatbelt. I was able to do it. You just did, yeah.

Well, I had my pants down, right? I was shitting all over the place, right? But I was shitting all over the place, right? And then I get out, right? And then I had to go to the steward everyone and go, I'm sorry. I don't feel well. And they're like, it happens, sir.

But sir, don't ever do that again.