Bad Friends - Missionary Missionaries

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

*NEW MERCH* https://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors: https://betterhelp.com/badfriends & https://displate.com/badfriends code: BADFRIENDS & https://www.doordash.com code: BADFRIENDS22 & https://www.getquip.com/santino or https://www.getquip.com/bobby 0:00 There is a Rat in our Crew 4:42 No Taxation Without Tea 11:50 The Boston LP Trade 18:12 How to Make a Mermaid  28:20 Grandmaster Bob Apologizes to Little Squints  31:59 Bobby's Hunger Pains   39:58 Rolling a Hoop & Other Outdoor Children's Games 45:38 Mike Jagger, David Bowie, Lou Reed & Kissing Your Male Friends 51:09 Was Michael Jackson the First Trans. Man? 1:03:26 The Best Asian Fraternities  More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On the heels of me playing Boston on New Year's Eve, which is part of the plug for the Tea Party, we want to do a scene from one of my favorite Boston movies, The Departed. You accuse me once, I put out with it. You accuse me twice, I quit. If you make me feel for my life, I put a fucking bullet in your head as if you were anybody else. You got something you want to say to me, William? You're 70 fucking years old. One of these guys is gonna pop you. That's for running drugs. What the fuck? You don't even need the pain in the ass and they're going to catch you.

You don't even need the money. I haven't needed the money since I took Archie's milk money in the third grade. Tell the truth, I don't need to see anymore, but I still like it. Point I'm making, you see, I got this rat, gnawing cheese-eating fucking rat. Questions come up. Questions. See, Bill, you're the new guy and the girlfriend. Why don't you stay in the bar when I get numbers? Your numbers, everybody's numbers. Is that something you want to ask me, Frank? Start with, you agree there is a rat?

You said there is one. I face most of what I do on the idea that you're pretty fucking good at what you do. Sure, sure, yeah, all that aside. But you, Bill, what would you do? How many of these guys have been with you long enough to be disgruntled? Who needs more money than you pay them? You pay them much, you know? It's almost futile enterprise. No, thank you. The question is, who thinks they would do what you do better than you do? Only one that can do what I do is me. You want to be me?

I probably could be you. I know that much, but I don't want to be you. Heavy lies the crown, sort of thing. Francis, we're out of here, Mr. Costello. You'll have to set the alarm. You've definitely never seen this one. Stop, stop. I wasn't prepared. Let's see if we can do that over.

You say Francis. No, no, she's got to take a tail bolt because I want to be able to see her from the range. Heavy lies the crown, sort of thing. So, Mr. French, make him a French accent, probably bartender, make him like Jamaican or whatever, you know? Sure, and the bartender, yeah, you pick. Are you good? Okay. Okay.

Heavy lies the crown, sort of thing. Francis, we're out of here, man. Mr. Costello, you'll have to set the alarm. Thank you, Jimmy. See you tomorrow. There's a boat coming in, up in Glauchester and Gloucester. French will give you all the details. Hey, bad friends, I'm going to be in Boston on New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve, right guys? Woo! Woo! Yay!

Everybody buy tickets to come see me on New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve, please. It's the final two shows of the year before Bob and I go on tour. In March. Next year, in March with Juicy and the Bad Friends crew. This is my last show. Go to AndrewSantino.com, AndrewSantino.com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Why, dude? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. During their slaughter. Were they slaughtered with this on? Whoa!

I can't wear this because they were slaughtered in this. Here's the deal. And they took the land and then... Do they use this on the casinos? Yes. That's authentic. That's from a casino. Which one?

Pachanga. Pachanga is my favorite one. I played that one. Yeah, you should have said Pachanga. No, it's from Marongo. Oh, Marongo is the better one. I'm sorry. Well, that's over there in Santa...

Santa Mananina. Yeah, Santa Mania. All right, I'll wear this one. But this right here, there's no way. It's okay, I get it. I get it. Here's the deal. Why are we doing the Boston Tea Party?

I don't know much about it. Do you not know anything about the... Well, I lied. Who lied? The English. Whoa. About the tea. What did they do about the tea?

Actually, time out. Don't bring anything up. You can bring up photos. No information. I want you to give your... I don't know anything about that part of our history. I want you to try. I bet you do.

Can I put the vest on real quick? Yeah. While you're putting your vest on, Juicy, I want you to tell me what your version of the Boston Tea Party is. Okay. I'm going to actually try what I think I've learned is the Boston's, they took over a ship. The Boston's?

Yeah, the Boston's. Okay, the Boston's. No, no, let me throw it in. Throw my two of cents. Well, could she finish hers before you? No, because I think I know one fact about it. I don't want her to say it first. Okay, go ahead.

It has something to do with taxes. No taxation. No taxation. Without tea. Without tea. No, to tea. You don't tea the tax. You can't tax a tea.

You don't tea a tax? You don't tea a tax. You don't tea a tax on this line. Yeah, on this line. But I got to tell you, can you tax tea these days? I don't think you can. Tea is not taxed. You can't tax the tea.

You can't tax the goddamn tea. And the Boston's are that. The Boston's are that. People from Boston, yeah. That's interesting. What's your... Go finish. You can't tax the tea.

Taxation without representation. That's the real one. Yeah. Wait, no taxation without representation? Yeah. What the fuck does that mean? It's like how you can't get a role. Like, I mean, you get a role.

What do you have to have representation? I don't like this. I mean, the opposite. You guys have already pissed him off. It's already starting real bad today. You guys have already pissed him off. You guys have already pissed him off. You guys already fucked me up.

Light him up. Light him up. Yeah, you fuck you, man. Why? Because I called you? Dude, first of all, it was three minutes late. And you told me to call you. I had already fucking texted him that I was gonna be fucking late.

That rubs me the wrong way. Then it's Andrew's fault for not seeing the text. No, it's not. Fuck you. You know what you did, dude. All right? And you know what? I'm on Annie Letterman's side.

That's insane. You're right. That's insane. That's insane. You? I understand now her griff. Okay. And her fucking...

Being on Annie's side is bad for your career. It's bad for everyone's career. Anyway. So let me say this. What? I never told him to call you. I never told him to call you. I already know that.

It's two minutes in. He said, should I call Bobby? And I said, do not call Bobby. Do not call Bobby. Two minutes in. And you know what he said to me? He goes, I produced the show, bud. Sit down.

Oh, don't even get me started. That's what he said. He said, sit down and get in costume. This guy is a lazy one. What do you mean I'm lazy? This guy's one of the... He don't even show up to some of the fucking shoots. Because someone else is here for me.

No. He's also... He is not lazy. He's sick and he's here. He's sick. You have COVID right now? Yeah. COVID.

Well, what the fuck are you doing here, man? Oh, it's the last day. Pete. Yeah, it's the last day. You just said I was lazy and I'm here with COVID. He wanted to prove he's not lazy. Also, Pete's the one that gave him COVID. Oh, really?

Yeah, I gave it to all of us. You have it. Okay. Tell me about the Boston Tea Party as much as you know. They were tired of the taxing. So they went and they took all the tea and they were like, fuck you. And they pushed it off the boat and all the tea went into the water. It's probably the dopest version I've ever heard.

They were tired of the taxing. So they took the tea. I know there was tea and taxing about. I just don't know the arrangement. Do you want me to tell you what happened? I'd love to hear it. So, but let me say this, please, I'm very susceptible to your lies and your exaggerations. So I don't want to be because I'm going to take your information.

And then 20 years later, I'm going to be in like, in a fucking party with Lex Friedman and some, and some other fucking intellectuals. And I'm going to go, well, I know about that. And I'm going to repeat this story. Okay. All right, go ahead. So here's what really happened. People from Boston.

Well, let me write it down. Give me a pen. He can write it down. We can. I need it. You need it. Yeah, yeah. Give me a pen and a paper.

Please. Okay. Please. Andres, you too. So he has to fucking COVID. I guess you'll give it to me. Is this washed? Good.

Dude, I don't like the way you fucking set it down, dude. Oh my God. Set it down right, dude. Oh my God. Set it down right, dude. With an apology. Let's see. Throw that back.

Sir. I'm just going to do it. I do it. Are you being real right now, dude? Are you being real? I can't believe it. I can't fucking believe it. Let's see how he does it this time.

Let's see how he does it this time. Oh. All right. Oh my God. Fuck you. You can't fucking help yourself, Kenya. Let me tell you something. No, no, no.

That's it. That's it. We're done. That was fucking disrespectful, dude. You're copying Annie. What? You're copying Annie. Yeah, but it's your behavior, dude.

All right. Do it gentle. Do it gentle. Wait, wait, wait. Before you fucking do it, dude, I'm telling you right now, dude. You're on the line. Oh, good. And it's going to destroy our fucking friendship.

Dude, you're hurting his feelings. No, right. I'm going to see this. You're hurting us. Go ahead. You're on the line. You're going to destroy our friendship because if you don't do it gentle, I'm going to present you forever.

You're emotional right now. I know I'm emotional because I really think our friendship is on the line. I drew a heart. No, but put it down. Nice. Put it down. Nice. Very nice.

There it is. No, that's not nice, dude. I know, but that's not nice. Our friendship's over. Get out here. Our friendship's over. Wow. You could have done that nice.

Wow. I drew a heart. It doesn't matter. You put it down. Okay. Carlos is Boston. I'm going to see you right now. Thank you so much.

Thank you. And he threw you into the fucking river. I wrote sorry and drew a heart on it. He did. Anyway, tell me about the Boston's. Okay. So here's what happened. What year?

This all takes place in 1964. I feel like already it feels, I feel like, honestly, I feel like it's not that. Wait, really? Yeah, yeah. No, blah, blah, blah. 1864. Okay. 1864.

I still feel like that's a little, that's a little. It was a time of Kings and Queens and Poppers and Princes. Kings and Queens and Poppers and Princes. Wait. Everybody owned a little person. Poppers and Princes. You could still own an LP. Legally.

You could own an LP. LP. So the LP business was a boomer. Is that records? Higher than it's ever been. All right. I think at one point. Records.

At one point, like 6.4. In 1864, what did they have like Chopin, Unvinyl, and Bach, Unvinyl? Or what would it, they didn't have jazz back then, did they? Sure they did. Sure they did. They had a lot of jazz. What jazz? Herbie Hancock.

Herbie Hancock. Yep. Herbie Hancock. Herbie Hancock. Who ironically played the commencement ceremony at the Boston Tea Party. On synth. On synth. On synth.

Let me just say something. I don't think they had synths in the 1800s. Yes, they did. I swear to God they didn't. It was invented in 1642. Look it up. When was the synth invented? Maybe right now.

Herbie invented, or I think he invented the synth. He was one of the co-inventors. The synthesizer was invented. It says it right there. What? Oh, synth invented. 1865. It's right there.

Even though that's in the search, you put that down. No, it's not. That's a trick, dude. Okay, dude. How do you search Google? Go ahead. How do you search Google? That's Google.

You don't search what you're looking for. You're right. You're right. You're right. It was 1864. 1864. My fact, Matt. 1864.

And he wrote enter. 1864. Push, press enter. All right. He's not going to press enter. Oh, look. Look. Whoa.

1964. That's what I said the first time. It was close. Oh, yeah. The irony. You're right. The irony of that is. So a little scary.

The Boston Tea Party happened in 1964. Okay. Back to nine. When the synthesizer was invented. Back to nine. You're right. You got the number. The century's wrong.

Thank you. Yeah. So apparently, so Boston people, at this point, it's the only city in the United States where you're allowed to own and trade LPs. And you can own and trade LPs throughout your friendship circle. Only in Boston. So in LA, what would happen, right? If I went to you and I went, hey, check, I have the new Go-Go's.

They weren't around then, but. Oh, dude, you're thinking I mean LP albums. Oh, what is it? Oh, little people. Fuck. You know, you gotta ask. You really gotta ask little people. So back in the Boston, they used to trade little people.

You can only trade whites. This was in protest of the LP trade embargo being cut off. So the little people trade embargo. When this was ended, this was a protest. And so then they, of course, threw all the, quote, black tea, which was an attack on black people. Really. It was a bunch of racists.

Right. So then what happened? So did the English have anything to do with the black little people? They're the ones that started the trade in the first place. But it's like, they were thrown out of here hundreds of years ago. I know, but they went to Ireland and Scotland where most of us live. The LPs. Oh, that's right, because I saw the Lord.

You could say Lord of the Rings. It's the Lord of the Rings. Just say Lord of the Rings, dude. You know what I mean? I know that. And you know, by the way. I'll just say Shire. You know Leprechaun?

LP was actually short for Leprechaun. Whoa. You just fucking blew my fucking mind there, dude. Leprechaun. So white people were the ones. So did they say Leprechaun? What was the LP? In my respect, then my grandmother was traded.

She was a Leprechaun? Yep. My bad. And she was traded. Interesting. She got traded about six or seven times. Okay. So let me get this straight then.

You got it. You got it? I think you got it. I don't think I got it. Let me hear. I literally don't think I got it. So I don't know anything about the boat, but there was a boat. No.

I swear to God. Where are they going to throw it over a harbor? They were on a, it was docked. No engine. Oh, so it's just folklore. Yeah. The boat is folk. The boat is just false.

So they built this boat and they never, it never left the dock. That was the thing. Oh, I see. But can we just say boat? Yeah. Say boat. All right. So, um, back in the days of the kings and queens and the poppers and the prince in 1964.

So we're at a party, right? Yeah. I'm with a historian, right? They were lazy little people, right? Only white ones, right? And I don't know why they had to throw them overboard because my, my, my professor, Mr. Centino, never taught me that, but they just throw them over the board. And, um, but was great because while they were being thrown overboard, Herbie Hancock

was flying. It's right there. Right? There's a full blown party going on. What was he playing? What instrument was he playing? The synthesizer. Wow.

It was ironic because in 1964 is when it was invented, it must have blown everyone's mind because they've never heard anything like that. Correct. You know what I mean? They're like, what is that? A piano? As they're throwing tea. From space.

Right. They hear the synth. I get it. Wow. And England, that's where the little people come from. That's what I can fill in the blanks now. I get it. You don't have to say anything.

What happens is this. Okay. I get it. Right? England comes over here on a boat with the little people, right? And they're like, hello, hello. You know, you don't have one of these. Right?

And they're like, what is it? You know what I mean? What is it? It's Southern. Are they Southern? There was a couple of Southerners. I didn't know. Southern Boston.

There was a couple of Southern Boston people. Southern Boston people. You know, they say like Boston accent, like, oh, it's from Southie, but way South Boston. Sounds like this, dude. Oh, really? That's way South Boston. Wow. Yeah, I'm South Boston.

So Theo Vaughn could have come from South Boston. I think he's from Massachusetts. That's amazing. Yeah. That's a fucking great information there. So that, hey. Hello, hello. Hey, man.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you have one of these little ones? I've never seen them before. Here you go. Oh, whoa. Thank you. And then you, and then they threw them over.

We don't want it. We don't want it. No thanks. They think threw it over, right? And that's how Thanksgiving started. That's exactly right. All right. Thanksgiving started.

Thank you for that history lesson. I gotta tell you. I mean, I'm a learner. You are. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm open. Yeah.

Thank you for that. You're an open learner. Yeah. You're an open book. Did Indians have any of the native people have anything to do with that? Or no? Yeah. What?

Well, they, they, you know. Yeah. They what? They. I feel like this is what's going to happen. No. Yeah. You're going to do like a Sandy Hook thing and say they did this.

No. Are you a fucking native denier? No, doc. You're a native denier. Well. Yeah. To be honest. You've never seen one.

I've never seen one. Yeah. Wow. No. You know what? You know what? Two, three years later, he's in court. I mean, yeah.

One billion dollar settlement from the anyway. I have to pay out Pachanga as a whole. I'm sorry, but there's a whole plug for Pachanga. The Indians were involved. Actually, the real truth, truth, truth. Yeah. I would love the real history of it. A lot.

Some of this is lies. Yeah. Which ones? Oh, just. Just what? The Herbie Hancock part. Yeah. I knew that.

You could tell. I could tell. Because he came around the. It was Count Basie that was there. Yeah. Also, he came around the 70s. I think late 70s. He was a little early for him.

So Herbie Hancock. No. Many of the, many of these people dressed up as Native Americans. So when you zoom in, you can see they were the first one to do, to do brown face. Oh, so those guys right there. They're white guys. Those are white men. White men.

White guys in brown makeup. Interesting. They all got fired from their jobs the next day. They all got canceled. They got canceled. That was the first cancellation probably. This was. Yeah.

The shoemakers got canceled. Yeah. That's Kevin Shoemaker. That's zoom in. You can tell. That's Kevin Shoemaker. You know these guys. They're historical figures.

Oh, yeah. That's Kevin Shoemaker. Kevin Shoemaker is the one with it. See the, see the, his arms above his head throwing that caskin. Right. That's Kevin Shoemaker. He looks like an asshole. He 100%.

Because in that box, what's in there? A little person. An LP. That's interesting. They used to put them in boxes. Well, they could fit. I know they could fit. They can't breathe.

They can't breathe. But it's easier to ship. Easier to ship. No. They can't breathe. Like a bug. You poke holes in the top. Right.

But then you throw them in the ocean. It's like a cat in a bag. You know how they used to do that? You can only do so much so far. Yeah. What do you mean? I don't know what happens when they go in the ocean. I don't know.

I think it floats. Maybe they turn into mermaids. That's how we got mermaids. Yeah, maybe. Thank you, Thanksgiving. Right. This is how we got mermaids. You can't disprove it.

Which means. You can't disprove it. That's right. That's fact. That mermaids is white. Right. Listen up, Disney. Disney, little mermaid was, I'll tell you why.

I'll tell you why. Because they threw little people. Right. That were only white as Andrew said. Yeah. Right. Into the oceans, we turned to mermaids. And by the way.

There are no black mermaids. Where are most of the little people from? England. The Shire. The Shire. Your mind. Ireland. Scotland.

Redheads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Redheads. And what's a little mermaid? What? What is a little mermaid? Irish. She just blew my mind right now.

I'm telling you, dude. That's it. Yes. Yeah. Yes. That's how we got her. Yeah. By the way, the drawings of little mermaids that you have.

Do you have a cue? Huh? Cue. Oh, I'm. Cue. I know. I know. Well, we got to email cue after this.

Because this is a whole thing. I know. Conspiracy, dude. I know. Alex Jones on the phone. I heard what you guys said on your podcast about little mermaid. I couldn't agree more. Yeah.

It's insane that, you know. She's actually a fish. She's just a full fish. Here's the thing about little mermaid. She was only four foot six. I did not know that. Google, how tall was little mermaid? Four foot six.

Four foot six. Proving my theory once again, she was an LP from Ireland who was brought to Boston, thrown in the ocean, turned into a fish girl. You know, where mermaids fuck up is the fish part should have started from the knees. Why is that? Because the vag is covered up with fish vag. But do you know a fish vag? Have you ever thought about that?

You see the beautiful mermaid. Does she just ask? Give me, keep going. I want to hear. No, but you know my theory, dude. Oh yeah. I would, because mermaids are, oh five four. Four, five.

Four, five. No. Oh, there's different measurements. Yeah. That's right. In the oceans. The ocean is different. Yeah.

Because here she's my height. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway. So tell me your theory. Keep going. Well, I just think it would be cooler if the mermaids had the fish part from the knee down.

Like I was saying, but how do you know fish vaginas is cool or not? Because the bottom, the waist down, it's not a pant. It's a part of their body. Yeah. But how do you know what a fish vagina is like? You have no idea. Well, obviously they're naked. Have you fucked a fish?

Like I tried. I couldn't find the vag. So, but you saying fish don't have vaginas? Well, I just, you look at a mermaid and you go, where is the vag? You've seen the frontal part of the fucking mermaid. Do you care to explain? Like centaurs. Centaurs.

Yeah. They have penises. You see them. Yeah. But that's the animal penises, not the human penis. That's the, that is the horse penis that you see. Yeah. And the female centaurs, you see the vagina as well.

I know, but I think they can't show it on Disney. Oh, it's Disney. It's Disney. Fuck Disney. Fuck that up. It's all Disney's fault. Write that up top. Yeah.

But I've seen other mermaids. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here, Bobby? Do you care to explain? Pinch and zoom. What is going on here, bud? I can't go in the ocean. Is there something that you want to tell us?

Well, I want to go to the ocean. That's what happens. Is there something you want to tell me? I'm a mermaid. Where's your, look, where's your vagina? That's what I'm saying. I, when I'm in the ocean, I turn into a fucking mermaid. Oh my God.

My dick is gone. Oh my God. Right. So that's what I'm saying. I mean, evolution fucked it up. I've never seen you look happier than in that photo. Can I tell you something? Yeah.

Can we get a good artist at home? If there's a fan, yeah, that photo, leave it on that. What it is right now, please. Can we get someone who's really good at painting? We'll paint this because it is fucking stunning. It's stunning. I want this in my house. I want a painting, a recreation of this photo.

That is stunning. It's amazing. Thank you. Wow. Anyway. You guys should remake Splash. We should remake Splash. You'll play Tom Hanks.

Yes. Yes. And I'm Hannah. What's her name? Gadsby. Hannah Gadsby. I'll be Hannah Gadsby. I like that you're writing stuff down there.

Hannah Gadsby. You're big on writing. Yeah. I like that. He's open. He's a learner. I'm learning right now, dude. You feel so woke right now.

What do you mean? I feel like your presence is very alive. I just woke up. I had one hour to sleep. It's literally woke. I had one hour sleep. You just woke. And this morning, I woke up.

Well, I couldn't sleep out because I had hunger pains. What do you mean? In the middle of the night? I had like five in the morning. I woke up and I'm like, I'm hungry. Did you go eat? No. But, you know, I always think, because McDonald's, you know how McDonald's used to do 24 hour

breakfast? I know. I miss it. But then they switched it to 11 a.m. So there's that window. You're like, I can get it now. I can get it now. And at six in the morning, I broke down and I got it.

What'd you get today? Two egg McMuffins, a hash brown, one breakfast burrito, orange juice, and a Cinnabon. Small man. I ate it all. And then I couldn't get back to sleep. And then I kind of came here. I was a little late. Why do you think you couldn't get back to sleep after eating?

I was in a bad mood and I was full. And I was like, do you think it was maybe like 5,000 calories that couldn't put you back to sleep? That's a lot, Bob. Yeah. I don't know if you need all that. That was a couple of breakfasts. I didn't eat anything yesterday, though.

That's the problem. I know, but that, well. Well, can I tell you why? And don't, don't, don't. They told me not to say it. Say it. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I'll tell you one thing, man.

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Use the link in the description. The discount is applied automatically at the checkout. Display, collect your passions. Say it. So yesterday, I went to my favorite ramen place in little Tokyo. Love. Takuya ramen. Takuya.

And so I was a party of six and one person was late. I waited an hour. The Japanese guy comes out. Okay. Party of six. Bobby. I come with five with the other person. And I go, she's parking her car.

No, forget it. Been there, done that. I think that's what he said. Been there, done that. That is their slogan. That is? I have no idea. Outside on the sign.

Yeah, he is. Been there, done that. I go, been there, what? He goes, you know, if not six, you can come. What if she just doesn't come? We're five then. Right. No.

Then he goes, party of five, Phillips. I swear to God. Party of five, Phillips. Right. The Phillip family comes in. But Phillips comes up and he goes, we only have four. And he goes, no problem. Seats him immediately.

So now I'm seething mad. Of course. Right. I tell the sixth person, don't even come. Whoa. So I find the Japanese dude in the restaurant. And I go, well, the sixth one's not coming. So can we see it?

She's like, now you have to wait. No. Yeah. I had to wait another half an hour. Right. And then so I was going to fucking put it on my store. I took a photo of the sign. And I was going to rip them apart.

But you didn't. I didn't. You know why? Why? Quality food. What I could have posted it when we got our food though. I know, but the food is so good that you can't be mean. That's true.

If the food is bad, you could be mean. Yeah. Because I'm going to go back there again. 100%. You know what? What? Let's flip the script on him. Let's kill him with kindness.

Why don't you send a message to the man? No, I can't right now. Dude, let's do it. Okay. Kill him with kindness. All right. What's his name? Let's just call him, uh, uh.

Careful. Squints. There it is. Is that? Squints. Yeah. That's not offensive. It's a term of endearment.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let me put a little magic, like a little squints. Little squints. Yeah. Like a rapper, little squints. Sure.

Why not? Yeah. Yo, yo, little squints. What's up? What's up? You know what I mean? Yeah. Dr. Bob here.

I want to be a rapper too. Yeah. But you're not a doctor. I know, but either is Dr. Dre. I think he actually is a doctor. He does have a doctor. All right. So I'm Bob.

There. You could be Mr. Bob. Mr. Bob. Mr. Bob. You know what I mean? Grandmaster Bob? Sure. Thank you.

Grandmaster is a little. What? A stretch. A little Kanye there. Oh, that's right. Right. Am I bad? The Grandmaster's leader of the KKK.

It is? I think so. So Grandmaster Flash was a fucking in the KKK. That was kind of fighting back at the man. That was like getting back at the man. I'm getting back at the man now too. I like it. Grand Wizard.

Right. Sorry, Grand Wizard. So you're Grand Wizard Bob. Yeah. Yeah, I'll be Grand Wizard. That's better, right? Yeah. That's taking power.

Yo, little squints. Yo, yo. Grand. Grand Wizard Bob. Hey, it's Grand Wizard Bob. I want to say it again. Go ahead. What's up?

The KKK is going to clip this. Great ROM and dog. Great ROM and dog. Shut up from Bobby Lee. Yeah. I'm doing my apology, guys. Okay, okay, go, go, go. Well, look at the camera.

Don't look at us. Go ahead and apologize to him. He's watching. Yo, and sorry that I had to wait two hours. You know what I mean? Do it again. We'll do it again. I'll wait five hours next time.

With love. With love. Grand Master Bob. Grand Master Bob. No. Grand. Grand Wizard Bob. So that felt better.

Thank you. Good. Yeah, we got through that. And now let's go there together. Yeah. We'll go. You know what we'll do next time? We'll go.

I'll go with you. And we'll say, party of one, but I'll go with you. And we'll see if they'll let you add a person to the party instead of one not being there. That's a trick. What do you mean? Undersell. Right. There's six people be like, it's only a party of four.

Then there's six arrive. He's like, party of four. And you're like, yeah. We have six. Yeah. See what he does. He's not going to say it. No, I know.

Oh, so that's a trick. Yeah, that's a good. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. So we wait longer. Yep. That's great.

Yeah. Yeah. Or we could just have the number. We should have the number. Yeah. Yeah. I have an idea. Go ahead.

We say four. The three of us go and they go, where's the fourth person? We say they're in the bathroom. Meanwhile, you go to the bathroom and come back in a disguise and we play the whole dinner. So we eat and hunt it. Yes. We eat and hunt. Maybe I can get one of those things.

The machines that he has. You guys need to set up costumes in the bathroom at the restaurant. We'll get the Ethan Hunt machine so I can be anybody. Okay. Right. You could literally be anybody. Yeah. Right.

Who do you want to be? Orson Wells. Oh. I could do an Orson. You know, something even better. Herman Cain. Whoa. Because he died.

Yes. Orson, but Herman Cain is like, you know. We should do all dead people. Right. But dead black politicians. Yeah. Let's do dead black politicians. Of course.

Yeah. Yeah. You will have to eat two meals. Why? Because Herman Cain likes to eat ramen a lot? No. Just approve it to the waiter that there's... Did you hear his breakfast order?

I think he's going to have no... Yeah. All right. Come on. Well, I'm just saying that was a lot of meat. I didn't eat a lot yesterday. I'm not judging at all. That was just a lot.

I'm surprised you can consume that much because you're a small man. Yeah. I had hunger pains. And I don't like it, but he just looked up hunger pains and it's indicative of something else. What? What? They come from other stuff.

What? They come from the stomach. Uncomfortable sensation. These pains don't always indicate a true need to eat. Something else is going on. What is it? What else is going on? Well, juicy.

Stomach cancer? Do you want to tell him? No, don't look there. Yeah. No, you're supposed to know. Yeah. Yeah. Why you're getting these pains is not because you're hungry, but because there's something

going on in your life that you need to talk about. Hmm. What is it? Interesting. What is it? Yeah, what is it? I'm confused. About what?

Why is it 600-pound life, not 500-pound life, 700-pound life? There's a 1,000-pound life now. Is it really? Oh, yeah, she just got married. Congratulations. There's a new show called 1,000-pound life. Oh, 1,000-pound sisters. 1,000-pound sisters.

Yeah, but that's not the show. Because that's a... There it is. What? 1,000-pound sisters. Tammy and Amy. Tammy just got married, I think. Right.

Okay. So they changed it. Are you and me, buddy? Well, what? If that's not you and me, I don't know what is. That's us, dude. That's 100% us. Yeah.

1,000-pound sisters. Oh, the one on the left made it. She did. Yeah. So you get... The one on the right didn't make it. I think they're both still around. No, but just in terms of losing the weight.

But that's not the goal of the show. What's the goal of the show? Just to be. Oh, to be 1,000 pounds. Yes. Oh, I see. Oh, the... Yeah, they have to change the title sequence and the name of the show.

Yeah, you got to stay. You got to keep it. If you go down to 450... Boring. Who's watching 4... Yeah, no. Yeah, yeah. That's her boyfriend right there, or was for one episode.

How does that work? I'm not being rude. How does that work? Well, I'll tell you this. Can you imagine how big that man's penis is? It's got to be not big long. And it's got to be... If it has a width, there's no way it gets there.

It's got to be able to snake around stuff. Right. Like that game. It's a snake in the canyon. You're right. I get it. I get what you're saying. He's got to wind it up.

Let it go, and then it has to find its way to get in there. I mean, tough, tough, tough. And usually, he doesn't find it. No. Yeah, yeah. That's the whole part of the game. Most of the time, it runs into a dead end. Right, right.

It's going to go back. Like, it's one of those, like, the maze and the shining. Yeah, that's exactly right. Right, the maze and the shining. Yeah. There's just a dead end, right? But when he gets through once a year... Hooray.

That's great. Victory. It's victory. Yeah, these girls, one of them just got married. See which one got married? Oh, she had a baby. You're looking at her. Amy.

She had a baby. But she looks great there. She does this. She lost a ton of weight. Oh, good, good. It was all the baby. Yeah. It was the baby.

It was just the baby. Yeah. It was just the baby. That's all it really was. The baby is, like, 700 pounds. That's insane. That's insane. Yeah.

That's cute. That's amazing. That's cute. Good for them. Yeah, but what I'm saying is, is that it's a thing. It's like, because I was watching one this morning, and there was a girl that was like... Which one were you watching? 600 pound.

That one's okay, yeah. It was 550, 600. She met a guy in England. They were playing games. Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah, it seems like that would be... Cake time or whatever.

What? What? What? What are you talking about? It's just all of... It's those video games where you have to, like, make burgers. You have to, like, put them on the grill and do the fries and then serve the people. That was so mean.

So they're playing cake time. Yeah, they're playing cake time, right, online. You know what I mean? And in real life. In real life, yeah. Yeah. And he flies to fucking Texas or Arizona, and he just marries her that week. And now she's gained even more weight.

After the marriage. After the marriage. But, like, and this guy's just got a regular sized white man. He's a Joe Schmoe. Yeah, yeah. But he has to think that that's his thing. That's gotta be his thing. Now, are you saying the F word?

What? Fetish? Oh, I mean, come on. I don't know. What do you think? What constitutes a fetish? A form of sexual desire in which gratification depends to an abnormal degree on some object or item of clothing or part of the body.

So it's got to be that. So it's just an abnormal degree. Your desire, your sexual desire, gratification depends, so your sexual gratification is purely dependent upon one thing, an object, object, item of clothing, or a part of a body. Yeah. But you know what's fucked up? I've seen this a couple of times on that show is now these people make money online because that's a fetish and people want to just see them eat cakes.

Just eat food. Yeah, yeah. And then I guess they jerk off. You know what I mean? They jerk off to people eating cake? Yeah. They find it sexual. Do you have a fetish?

I don't think so because I'd be honest if I've had something. I like long faces. Like horse face. I just, every girl I've had has a long face and the women I match with usually have longer faces. Really? Yeah. I think mine was, you know what mine is?

I like nibbling on ear lobe. That's not a thing though. Everyone likes that. I really like it. I like it too. But I like biting hard. Okay. No.

I like it with ears maybe. That's my thing. I bite my dog's ear. Okay. I nibble on her ear. But that's your thing. How about you, Jess? Yeah.

It's not really sexual. I just want to bite her little fucking ears. I don't know if I have, I'm sure I do, but I can't think of anything. I think spit is weird. I know people that like spit stuff. I know things I don't like. Yeah. Oh, there's a million things I don't like.

Pooh. Pooh stuff is insane. Pee, poo, pee, spit. Pee, pee, pee's okay. You been peeing on? No. But I see it and I think that's neat. You know what?

Can I be honest with you? When I do see them, you know what I mean? I'm porn hub. Yeah. I do watch it. Me too. You know what I mean? And it's usually guy peeing on a girl.

No, I like the other way. Oh, I don't. Really? Yeah. I would never do it because I'm a neat freak and a germaphobe and I'm thinking immediately about my bed and my sheets and I'm like, oh my God, the piss all over the place. Like anytime somebody mentions squirting and they're like so dope and I'm like, I don't know, it sounds, it sounds like such a cleanup job to me.

Like it sounds like such a nightmare. Yeah. I'm just Christian, I think, when it comes to stuff. God bless, brother. You too. God bless. I love you. We are Puritans today.

We are Puritans today. Look at us. Yeah, yeah. I love a good, like a missionary. We are good Puritans. Grand Wizard Bob. We are good old fashioned Puritans. Yeah.

And somebody a fan, can we make a Grand Wizard Bob sign for him to hang behind him, please? I love it. I'd love one. The guy's on top and I'm just laying there. Oh, you like no work. It's just a missionary. Yeah. I just love a good missionary.

Yeah. Yeah. Old school. Yeah. You know what's so funny? I like that. Like there's a new generation of people that there's this like sexual, revolution. People are trying so much stuff now.

You know everybody instinctively still loves missionary. Oh, yeah. It's the go to everybody loves it. It's the standard. It's the go to the go to. Yeah. You know what it's like? McDonald's breakfast.

Exactly. You can't do it all the time. Yeah. But when you do, it's great. It feels right. It's comfort food. It's comfort food. Yeah.

Missionary position is comfort food. What did you say? Do you think the Puritans like only knew of missionary and like the first person who like something different? No. They were freaks. Freaks. Freaks.

All right. Yeah. Like 69ing. 100 cat paws. You know what I mean? They were doing weird shit. Weird shit. 69ing was tamed to them.

That was like lame to them. That was their missionary. Yeah. That's the only thing you have to look forward to. It's fucking. That's the only thing you can't watch Sports Center. You can't, right? Well, there's nothing to do.

There's nothing to do. It's that's what when you're plowing in the field, I can't wait to fuck. To plow. I can't wait to get home and plow. Yeah. And plow. Yeah. That's the only thing.

Imagine that. Because there was nothing like, think of how boring. Have you ever seen that when a kid rolls a, has a stick and rolls a wheel down the street? You ever seen this? No. This was like from the fucking. Not when you were a kid? Wait a minute.

Explain it to me. Don't Google it. So I'm a kid. Centuries ago. A game. A game for little children was to take a stick and smack a wheel down the road. A wheel or a ball? A wheel.

Why? And that's my point. I don't get it. Look at that. Rolling an old fashioned hoop. That was the walking on stilts. They would just fucking lift themselves off the ground and walk around town. Duck duck on the rock.

You try to throw rocks at ducks. Whoa. Poor ducks. That was their war zone. Right? That was their war zone. Throw rope rings around a steak, which became horseshoes essentially. Oh, I see.

But let me see rolling an old fashioned hoop. Please Google that. You've never heard of this juice? Have you ever seen this? I've seen it. It's like, I cannot believe that's a thing. This was the 1800s. Kids would hoop rolling.

Look, look. They would just roll. Oh, that's black and white. Look at that. He's getting off. This is his fetish. He's rolling a hoop down the street, and that's fun for these dipshits. This is always creepy to me.

Little girls. How are these little girls have babies on there? Do they have babies that young? Oh, yeah. You start really young. Oh, I didn't know. Back then, you'd have a kid when you're five or six. Oh, I didn't know.

He's like, fuck. These are all grandparents. Yeah. Those kids, those eight-year-olds are grandparents. That kid's definitely gay. He didn't stop to say hello. It says that in the title. Look at how fast he blows past these babes.

That's how much fun that is. That's how much fun it is. Yeah, I'd rather do this than look at girls. Plus, it doesn't matter to this kid. Look at that. Go back a little bit. Let me just see when he goes by. Look at him.

They go, hi, Johnny. Yeah. Johnny, here comes Johnny. Let's show him our babies. Hey, Johnny, look. Our babies. Fuck you, bitches. I'm hooping.

Do you think he goes like, grown adults back then do that? I hope not. I know. I think some did. You think some did? I think I would do. I would be doing that. Well, you're proving what I was just going to say.

Because I play games now. I was just going to say that. Video games now. Some adults do. The ones that are. Right. Crazy. Little slow on the upswing.

Little immature. It doesn't look like adults really did it. It's like video games today. By the way, look at those kids. How is that a nine-year-old, 80-year-old? How is that a kid who's also got a retirement account? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Look at it. Kids did look older. They looked so old. Yeah. They were like, oh, he shifts. Yeah, true. Yeah, he gets sit on his face. Door Dash.

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Quip, the good habits company. We know some guys that get so much badge. Yeah. Is that kind of sending to say it that way? No. They hook up a lot. Yeah, they get laid a lot. They get laid a lot, right?

That's a nice way, yeah. You know, you look at like Bowie, Mick Jagger, Lou Reed, there was a photo of them in the early 70s and they're kind of kissing at a dinner table. I've seen that, yeah. Right? You've seen that, right? Yeah. And I think one of them said, you know, we get so many girls that, I mean, we're like,

what excites us? So we kiss other stars. So what are you trying to say that you think that we, you and I can start kissing our famous friends? No, no, no. What I'm saying is I don't get enough to, I'm still stuck on. No, no, no. I haven't evolved.

I'm stuck out of the coin, right? Like that could be just our super rich friends that are running out of, they're getting too much puss. Then they'll start wanting to kiss us. Yeah. But I'm the guy in back of them. Yeah. Watching.

Yeah. Watching. Like I'm not doing that. Oh, you know, I'm Mick Jagger in this. Who am I? You're definitely Lou Reed. Oh, no. But look at Max.

Mick's getting into involved. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Now, do you honestly think that this was, this was a symptom of the times as well?

Like this was like, it was cool. It was 1973. Like there was a lot of drug use. They were partying. Like it's almost like, this is how I feel like sometimes these guys got caught up in shit and they had no idea they were doing it. They were just like laced up. Well, there was no social media.

So you took a photo. Where are they going to put it? You guys also have a lot of photos of you guys kissing each other and being naked with each other. Yeah. Yeah. That's that. Yeah.

That's the same thing. Wait. No, no, no. They ran, they got so much puss. We do it because we love it. That's true. We're gay. We're gay.

We're gay. Yeah. Yeah. They're forced to do that. By the way, when you and I die, they're going to show only photos at our funeral of us kissing and nude together. Oh my God. We got to stop doing that?

No. No, we got to keep going. At this point. Yeah. Yeah. Why not? It's not like there was one. Yeah.

There's a thousand photos of you and I on each other naked. There's a sec. We have a full on sex toy photo shoot. Yeah. So, Juicy, out of the three, which one would you hook up with first? Mick Jagger, Lou Reed and David Bowie. David Bowie. Yeah, of course.

Right. It's funny because, and it's not that he's the most attractive, he's the most wild and cool. That's how the guy feels on thousand pound life or whatever. What? What? A thousand pound lady. What does that show you?

Yeah. Yeah. 600 pound life. Yeah. Yeah. It's how cool she is. She's Bowie to that guy. Ah.

Yeah. It's not about her looks. Right. She's Bowie. Or it's fetish. Or it's fetish. She's Bowie to that. She's Bowie to that guy.

She's Bowie to that guy. Bowie. Bowie. That's a little bit of Bowie going on. I guess that's true. By the way, 600 pound life, the one where it's the doctor. Doctor No. Doctor No is so funny.

The great. Did you ever see, I made him do a cameo for me. No. To promote my tour dates. I did it years ago. A couple years ago. I think we showed it on here. But he's like, go see Andres Santino.

How'd you meet him? Cameo. I paid for a cameo online. Oh, he's a cameo. I just bought it. He's so mean. Put up a picture of that cat. I love this guy.

He's so mean to them. They'll be like, I'm really trying. He's like, you're not try harder than up. You're too pet. You're so pet. Yeah. Yeah. He's so.

He's Iranian. I know you can tell. I love it. He's I rate and I rate Iranian. Yeah. There he is. Look at the one right next to it to the right. Look at that face.

That's the one he usually makes. Yeah. You need to stop. You need to stop eating bad food. So he must be the, he's the best in town. I think. With gastric bypass. I think it's, he's, it's a carrot.

He looks like that. He looks like somebody drew him. He looks like a drawing came to life. So I think they just like his personality. He was a casting thing. It looks like it to me. All right. You think there's not, I mean, there's millions of doctors that do that.

But he, so he's not the best at that to do it. I highly doubt it. I think he's just proud. The best that do it are like, that's like Luminati shit. You know, like whoever like Will Smith goes to, to get any kind of surgery done. Those people you'll never know, they don't exist. They get paid in fucking direct deposits. Exactly.

Wouldn't that be, that's what rich got. You want to talk about rich stuff? Guys that have their own doctors that they don't have to have a practice. Yeah. That's wild shit where the doctors just like only go to rich people's homes. They don't even have an office. They don't even have like proper doctoral shit. Like they don't, they don't have to do anything doctorly.

They have a layer. They have a layer. Yeah. Well, Michael Jackson had one and he killed him. He did. And you can, and you can now sign up to be one of his clients. What was that drug that he gave him? Uh, fuck.

I know it too. On the tip of my tongue. It was, uh, I think it was with D. It starts with a D or an F. Propofol. Propofol. P.

Yep. Propofol. So propofol. Have you ever had propofol? No. Oh, I'm still here. I know. I know.

Don't you, I want to see what that feels like. What is it? What does it do to you? Propofol. It's a killer. Is it? It turns the skin white. Let's see.

It says right there. Propofol is a comp. It can cause. Wait, what? Sedative. It's a sedative to help you relax during surgery or whatever. But if he was asking only for that, that must be the best one. Look at that.

That medicine has been used recently to sedate coronavirus. Oh, wow. Whoa. Patients who need medical ventilation in the intensive. So if you're on a ventilator, nice to you. They give you propofol to chill out to fight. Before you die. Oh, that's a good night.

That's the longest good night. I wonder, yeah. Wow. Whoa. Yeah. Imagine having millions of dollars like Michael. And you just. He's a bee.

He was a bee. And then you can just get any doctor to write you any prescription. This is him. It's so dangerous. What if you still had to go to Walgreens to get your prescription? Wait in that line. Yeah. Hey, I think I have a prescription here.

Yeah. Last name. Jackson. Jackson. Can I see your ID? Yeah. And then they're like, he's like, I got one for Latoya. I have one for.

Yeah. He goes through all of them. There's no Michael in there. Do you think Michael Jackson ever had to fucking show his ID for anything? No. Don't you know the story we've talked about on the show? He had to rent out a grocery store to know what it was like to shop in a grocery store. I'm just saying if he gets pulled over by a cop, though, do you think he has to.

Never driven a car. He never drove a car in his life. Oh, that's right. He'd never, he'd never. Look at that. What is that? What is that? Motown ID card for the, for the record record label?

Yeah. It could be like a. Yeah. It's for, it's when you go into. Okay. Compare the two. That photo. And now look at that.

Yeah. That same guy. They're like, this isn't you. It's just like. But now let me ask you a real question. Yeah. And I'm not making fun. Yeah.

I actually am not. I'm actually a legitimate question to the room. Do you think. I'm not. I just. Don't do it. Yeah. You're doing it.

No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. I was going to say. Do you think what? Do you think that he was, this was trans before trans. That he was kind of one of the first like. No, no. I mean.

Yeah. No, I'm being. I'm not being. So he's transitioning into a ghost. Because that's what he looks like. Yeah. Yeah. No, he's the first.

I want to be the first guy. He's the first trans white. For the first trans white. This is true. He is identifying as a white person. No. He's white. He was.

I don't think he was going for white. What the fuck are you talking about? Going for something else beyond. You know, you go to bed bath beyond that department. Beyond the pale. Beyond the pale. What do you mean? Wow.

Do you not know what beyond the pale? I saw triangle of sadness. You did? Mm-hmm. So fucking. I brought my brother. Did you cry? Not did I cry.

We cried laughing. That's what I'm saying. Listen, my brother only likes. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. You know what I mean? Those kind of movies. You know, with the fucking. What is pew, pew, pew, pew?

You know, with the dick in the mouth. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. He loves those movies, right? Yeah, yeah. And the.

You know what I mean? You're in the butthole, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, he loves those movies, right? Yes. So we're sitting in this art house movie. The one in the sunset right by the store. Sunset 5.

AMC 5. Oh, Lemily, whatever it is. They call it AMC now. Gross. Why? Because mom and pop. I know. But still, it's like this little artistic theater.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when you're watching a movie like a Cannes, you know what I mean? Palm Dior Award movie. They show all these like the trailers are not Marvel. No. It's the same kind of movie. Correct. Right?

So when my. We were watching this fucking. And the trailers of my book was like already go. Let's get the fuck out of here, man. Because it's like aristocrats. And you know what I mean? People drinking tea. It's like the entire A24 slate.

Yeah, he didn't like it. It's the Boston Tea Party. But once that movie started, I mean just 10 minutes in, my brother was just we were laughing. Incredible. It's so incredible. Have you seen it? No, but I just did your brother's podcast. That's what?

I just did it. And I just he wanted me to ask you about a story. Go ahead. Since it came up kind of naturally. Go ahead. He said to ask you about a guy named Derek Oliver. What about Derek Oliver, Bob? I don't know.

He said to ask him about it. I think we talk about him. We have. Well, I've heard it. Well, she needs a response at some point. Yeah, I'm going to give her one. No, no, no, I mean. I'll give her one now.

Okay. You want one response? Yeah. How dare you? I don't know what it is. Let me talk. Let me talk. All right.

I bring you into this fucking family. Right? He did. Yeah. Let me talk. Okay. I look at the, the sea of, you know what I mean? People at your level.

And I go, which one? Which one? Which one? Which one can I help? Eenie meenie miney moe. Right. Create a gigantic career. You know, talking to millions, baby.

The M's. Yeah. The lights. You mean? Camera. Action. Action. Right.

And I go, you know this one. I have to come. I have to get people's approval. Right. I have to fight for it. You did. A couple of times you couldn't make it. Right.

I still stuck by your side. You did. Right. I bring you in, you kill it. Kill it. You make me look good. Smash. Right.

And then the machine's starting. Right. And I tell everyone, my agents, my managers, people, everyone I see, she's the next one. She's up. She's a star. Right. Then you come into my fucking home. Right.

And you bring up Derek Oliver. I don't know who he is. Shut the fuck up. Juicy. All right. Stop fucking around. All right. What did I do to you?

Everyone. I know. Why do you treat me like this? I don't know. Why do you treat me like this, man? I'm guessing not a friend. Give her a synopsis. He beat the shit out of me.

He humiliated in front of 300 kids at my school. Yeah. And it was the most embarrassing day of my life. No, they were not friends. Yeah. Yeah. They were enemies. He beat you up.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. In school. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I bullied him. So you were asking for it. He would eat ice cream.

I would stick it in his face. Right. He'd be walking with his books. I fucking took his books. Yeah. Fuck you. You know what I mean? Nerd.

Right. Yeah. So one day I don't know his dad or his uncle or somebody told him. Come front him. So Derek Oliver goes. Hey, man. Meet me at the field by your house. You know what the field I'm talking about.

Everyone's coming. Right. And I go, yeah. You little bitch. Let's do this. Last words. And then I got knocked out. In front of everyone.

And then from then on, ice cream in my face. Fuckin' falling from my arm. Was Steve there? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He was rooting him on. He was in Derek's corner. At first he was on mine, but then my brother just went to the other side.

He was just going to the winning team. Yes. Anyway, it was the most humiliating, shameful day of my life. And I regret me treating that guy like that. I learned a valuable lesson. I'm not a bully. Okay. I'm a victim.

Yeah. Oh, no. Yes. I'm a victim. We've all had these moments. Yeah. So thanks for doing that. Those embarrassing moments though, man, do they shape you as a person?

They do. It's a good way. They do. Yeah. I don't know if I told you this, but it reminded me that I wrote a love note to a girl one time. It's just so embarrassing. In college, my freshman year, a girl who I crushed on super hard, I slid it under her

dorm door freshman year. I came home one day. Yeah. To her reading the note, or I came back to the dorm. I saw her reading the note with like two other guys from the dorm and three other girls. And they were dying laughing. Oh my God. I wish I was there.

Oh my God, I wish I was there. I genuinely, I contemplated. Did you cry? No, no, no. I went right back outside and I looked at the main road. It was a four-laner and I thought, I got to jump in front of a car. No. I was going to jump clean in front of a car.

I know. I know. I was like, how, if I get hit, do I die right away? Yeah. Or does it drag on? Yeah. Because I was, dude, I was, that fucked me up. But where's she now?

I'd love to know. It's Meghan Markle. She married. Oh, I see. Oh my God. She went up. She went up. She went up.

She went up. No, where's she now? Who the fuck? No. Who the fuck? No. Man, that fucked. You have one of those?

Where it fucked you up? I did. So when I was in junior high, I had my first crush and we had instant messaging at this, like at AOL. Just came in. Yeah. It was like brand new and I was messaging him and it's funny. Now, I can't even think of his name, but I was so obsessed with him.

But I was messaging him and I like copied his name and pasted it and would write his responses. Like trying to be funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it just like freaked him out and then he wouldn't talk to me ever again. He's like, I think there's a glitch in my computer. He like got really scared. He didn't get that. That was your version of flirting.

It was like modern day witchcraft to him, I think. Like how did you court Calyla? What do you mean? Like what was your, what was your scheme on getting her to be interested in you? Time. Right. To wait it out. You were just.

Because there was two other pursuers. Yeah. Right. And I go, and they were like, you know, different than me, like rugby players, athletes. Guys, guys. Men. Men. No.

With hair. Just men. All over the body. Yeah. Muscles. And so she had two. Like one was a professional soccer player. Whoa.

Ronaldo. Something like that. Right. And then another one was a Australian rugby player. Jesus. I would like to fuck either of these. Yeah. And I'm like, look, I'm looking at them going, well, they live in different countries.

So that helped. That always helps. Yeah. Yeah. Distance helps. Yeah. Proximity. So I have time.

Right. And then what I did was I, you know, I, you know, I love bomb. You love bomb. I love bomb. It's controversial. Do you know what love bombing is? It's like love bombing is when you like, you're like obsessively, you know, you're tempted to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection.

So you're like, right away, you're like, you say stuff like, you know, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. You know, I'll do anything for you. Give him gifts. This and this and this. But a lot of the guys when they love bomb and they, once they have sex, they leave. That's, that's why it's fucked up. Well, psychologists have identified love bombing as a possible part of a cycle of abuse and

have warned against it. Right. But what are they fucking? What are they now? But also, can I just defend myself here though? Right. The psychologists are pussy. Pussy.

Yeah. Psychologists. But what I'm doing now is I'm not doing the, I'm doing the polar opposite. Right. You're hate bombing. Yeah. I'm hate bombing. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you. Come on. I hate you. And it seems to work better. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's challenging. Don't show up. Yeah. You can't do these things. Can't. And not, and not see them every single day, maybe once a week, you know what I mean? And just get to know each other.

Yeah. Have a balance. Yeah. Have a balance. Have a balance. That's healthy. Well, I'm trying to do it because I just don't want to repeat the same kind of things where it's like.

Dude, that's, I mean, that's honestly, I'm no joke, all jokes aside. That's huge growth, especially for you learning about what you like and you don't like at this point in your life relationship wise. Yeah. Huge growth to be like, well, I'm not going down those fucking roads anymore. Yeah, it's hard. Because you've already done it. Yeah.

And you and I talk privately off the show about dating stuff. It seems like you're finding your way into what's comfortable for you. Yeah. I think my self-esteem is better. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty good. It is.

It's much better. I know. Right? So it's like, that helps. Because you feel really good about yourself. I feel good about myself. Yeah. And I feel good about where I'm at.

Yeah. And it's like, there's a confidence that I have. Do you feel good about yourself? Yeah. That's awesome. That's awesome. I feel like it's a white, good-looking white, so that's sorority. What's the other one?

Fraternity guy. Fraternity guy. That's how you feel. Yeah. You feel like a frat guy? I feel like a white, frat guy with fucking six packs. You don't have to say white frat guy. It's redundant.

Just say frat guy. Oh, yeah. That's right. There's like three black frats. Yeah, that's insane. There are. They're black frats. Yeah.

Don't you see them? You know they do stomps and stuff? Oh, yeah. It's fucking tight. Are they Asian frats? Yeah. I feel like the popular, good-looking dude on campus. What are the Asian fraternities?

Can you still rush even though you're 51? Do you think? Oh, let's see. You're the Asian fraternity. All right. All right. Pi Delta Psi, Lambda Phi Epsilon, Alpha Kappa Delta Phi. Too many words.

You can only have three. Chinky Chinky Choo. What school is Chinky Chinky Choo? Where is that? What school is Chinky Choo? What university is that at? Yeah, Chinky Choo. UCLA.

UCLA. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Asians, they have a different style of hazing. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Like Snowdough the Swassabi. This is insane.

You have to chug ramen juice. No noodles. You have to drink the juice. Yeah. What is it? Lambda Phi Epsilon International Fraternity. That's the biggest Asian. Okay.

It says the world's largest Asian interest fraternity. Founded in 1981, right after the Boston Tea Party. At Los Angeles, California, International Fraternity. Guideman of Lifelong Discovery. Hey, let's reach out to Lambda Phi Epsilon and see if they can make you an honorary member. I would love to. So anybody that's a Lambda. I've always wanted to be in a fraternity.

Anybody that's a Lambda. It's a dry fraternity. It's dry? Mm-hmm. So that's great. You're so perfect. I'm sober. Oh, that is great.

Yeah. That's awesome. That's awesome. Okay, cool. Yeah. So what do they do? They have games. What does it say?

They're known for providing outstanding leadership, philanthropy, and advocacy in the community. That sounds like fun. It sounds pretty fucking miserable. Yeah. It's not fun at all. Well, yeah, yeah. You know, it's a dry fraternity. So no drinking, no drugs.

Yeah. Is there more of a druggy one? Yeah, where's the druggy one? Well, we can't send him to the drug one. Why not? Well, it's for the show. Yeah, it's for the show. I don't have to, like, partake.

No, he just wants to be around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he's still around. Awesome. We're toxic. Yeah. You know, nothing. I want to be around one.

You know, we're just smoking opium. Asian fat, Asian frat, not dry. No, that's not going to get it done. Best Asian party fraternity. Best Asian party fraternity. I don't know. What a kid's search. No one's searching this.

All right. Asian masculinity on Reddit. Asian masculinity. Well, we're not, we should sway away from that one. Duke University frat holds racist Asian theme party. Let's go there. Yeah, that's me. Yeah.

But that wouldn't, I wouldn't, they would, I'm going to be the victim. Yes. You got to fight. You got to fight. Oh, that's right. I got to fight the challenge myself. Yeah. When I walk in the frat house, I'm going to go, hello.

Hello. Yeah, yeah. They'll do it in unison. What? They'll do it in unison. Will you come with me? Oh, yeah. I'll be one of the guys in the frat.

No. Why? You want me to wear it? I want you the eyeliner. Yellow. Pretend to be Asian. You say hello. They'll sniff me right out.

You say hello. Hello. Perfect. I don't like it either. I don't like it either. What? I don't like it either. She gets nervous anytime we do that.

Demorization. You're allowed to with him. If he says it, you're allowed to. Yeah. I beg of you. Because you brought up a Derek Oliver. If she gets canceled because of that. What?

Because she says hello? I wouldn't get canceled now. It'll happen like 20 years from now. That's right. 20 years from now. Oh, that's always, do you really think of stuff like that? Sometimes. It happens all the time.

Yeah. But on our podcast, one of our best friends is Asian. We're joking with him. I think it's okay. No, but it's interesting. It's a show that's not okay. Well, I learned. Yeah, that's interesting.

You cut that part out. Because she's thinking because of what Shane Gillis went through. Yeah. Right? She's now thinking forward. Shane Gillis didn't have an Asian guy on the show with him. I understand that. A little different.

It is a little different, but it's just interesting that that's something that you have to think of. You and I don't. Yeah. But why don't we? Think of this though. Yeah. We do it, right?

Yeah. And we're fine. No, that's not the right comparison. That's not? We're just, we're also older and of a different generation and she's, she's part of a more young, progressive. They have to be more conscious at her level. There's so much more judgmental of each other.

Our peers know that it's all love and we're kidding. Right. Her peers are fucking probably being like, I heard what you said on that podcast and that's not cool. Not to my face, but yes. Yeah, behind your back. Really? Of course, Bob.

This is their, this is a young generation. They're woke. They're trying to be woke and progressive and be conscious of what comes out of their mouth. We're old idiots. If I say, Harrow, they'll say goodbye. That's great. Thank you for being a bad friend. Can I possibly plug one show and I'm headlining the San Jose Improv on January 18th and I

would love to see some of you guys out there. Go out there, January 18th, San Jose Improv and go watch the juice, please.