Bad Friends - Paper Airplanes Come & Steal Your Girl

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode of Bad Friends is presented and fueled by Huell, your go-to for complete nutrition. Try Huell with 15% off today using code BADFRIENDS at my.huell.com slash BADFRIENDS. Hey! We got it in the merch. Bad Friends. We got the merch. We got the Bad Friends merch. Bad Friends merch, look, we've got the fans submitted.

Starting point is 00:00:20 We're working with the fans on designing the merch now, and this is one of the hoodies that we've got. And this is embroidered. This is embroidered. And that one says, I'm Bobby Mom. And can I say something? And it's beautifully embroidered. It's patched on there.

Starting point is 00:00:32 It's gorgeous. And it's at badfriendsmerch.com. Go to badfriendsmerch.com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo. A white dude and an Asian dude. Woo.

Starting point is 00:00:44 You two are disgusting. Are you two or something? We're bad friends. Come here. Somebody. Look at this. I can't see what is that? Just come, please look at it. What is that?

Starting point is 00:01:00 Is that dip? What is this area right here, dude? That's a croissant jelly type shit. Look at this area right here. I see it. What is the white thing? Taste it, McCone. No, no, no, no, no, no, don't taste it. But, but listen-

Starting point is 00:01:14 Paper? Can you clean that or- Do we have those disinfectant rags? This is insane, dude. You clean his side, but my side's like this? They don't clean my side. I just don't get it dirty like you do. That's a big difference.

Starting point is 00:01:29 Yo, what are you doing, bro? I'm nervous. Just wipe it. Just wipe it. You don't let it soak. It doesn't soak. What was that evil laugh? What was that evil laugh?

Starting point is 00:01:38 All right, that's good. I'm letting it soak? It doesn't soak. No, you don't. No, you don't know how to soak it, dude. It's fine, Let's go. I soak so good. Mormons do.

Starting point is 00:01:47 Some people do. Mormons are the big soakers. What does that some people do? Super soakers. Mormons are the super soakers of the world. And then what's a kid that goes underneath the bed and rocks the bed? What's his name? Huh?

Starting point is 00:01:58 So they soak, right? Cause they can't have movement. So they stick the wiener in, they don't move it. And then someone goes onto the bed and pushes it. The kid from the grudge. That's right. That's who it is. I call it the kid from the grudge. See, look at the shaking the bed in Mormon.

Starting point is 00:02:09 It's something commonly done by Mormon teens expected to remain virgins. It's called, it's called jump pumping. Jump pumping? So the guy gets under the bed and moves the bed. Hey, last night, where were you? I was at home. I was at my friend's show.

Starting point is 00:02:23 I didn't feel good last night. Oh yeah? Can you tell I'm all clogged up. Oh. My back is killing me. Love you, dude. Okay, stop. Now I know I was supposed to go last night.

Starting point is 00:02:36 I texted Joe. It was wild. I texted Joe today and I apologized. Last night I'm at the comedy store and I see this sickly guy, not sickly, handsome, skinny, you know, talented. You mean in shape? That's what I meant. Yeah, like an in shape guy. You're right, you're right.

Starting point is 00:02:51 Yeah. Okay. That's resentment talking, I think. Yeah, dude, put that away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me put that aside. Holster that, put that in the holster. Cause you're looking skinny lately. How many people on tour commented

Starting point is 00:03:01 that the Ozempic must be working because you look skinny? Well, Jeremiah- We heard it the whole trip. Jeremiah Watkins last night called me fatty. Yeah, but he goes, what's up fatty? And I could not believe it. Yeah, but he's like paper. He's like a wispy thin guy. He attacked me.

Starting point is 00:03:17 Anyway. Why did he call you fatty? I don't know why. Who started it? He did. He just came up to you and goes, hey fatty. Yeah. Wow. It was incredible. And that Dr. Phil just came up to you and goes, hey fatty. Yeah. Wow.

Starting point is 00:03:26 It was incredible. And that Dr. Phil stuff's going to his head, huh? I think that's what it is. Tilt, Tilk, Tilkoni. Tilkoni? Kiltoni, I mean. Is that our version? Welcome back to Tilkoni.

Starting point is 00:03:37 Tilkoni and Dr. Phil got to his head. Anyway, so last night this guy comes up to me. Yeah. Morgan J. Is that J Morgan or what up to me. Yeah. Morgan J. Is that J Morgan or what? What happened? It's Morgan J. Okay.

Starting point is 00:03:50 You really think his, you think J Morgan? You've known him. I know, but I thought he switched it. No, no. I've never heard anyone with the last name J. Everybody says Morgan J, J Morgan all the time. I don't know why that happened.

Starting point is 00:03:59 Yeah, yeah. Because of two first names. Yeah, I guess. That's your fault. My first and middle name is my fault. What's your real last name? Venti Cinque. Are you really?

Starting point is 00:04:08 Venti Cinque means 25. No, don't do that. What's your real last name? He doesn't want to. No, it is Venti Cinque. No chance. It's not Venti Cinque. Give me your ID.

Starting point is 00:04:16 Are we introducing me yet? Not yet. No, we're just doing this right now. You let us take control of the show, Venti Cinque. All right. Venti Cinque. There's only one part of that last name I love. I can't believe this guy Venti Cinque. You let us take control of the show, 25. All right. 25. Where'd I put it? There's only one part of that last name I love. I can't believe this guy, 25.

Starting point is 00:04:29 I can't believe this guy, 25. Look, I swear. This 25 comes into my house. I'm crying. Wow. They won't even let me. Bro, he even has a hot driver's license photo. Look how hot he is, dude.

Starting point is 00:04:41 Dude, the smile. He's hot in the photo. He's got a side, he's side. 25. He's doing one of these. He's got a side, he's side. 25. He's doing one of these. Yeah. So Jay's your middle name. I went to my first, no, no, it's always my middle name.

Starting point is 00:04:51 Morgan Jay. Morgan Jay, Morgan Jay 25. 25. Yeah, 25. It's a weird last name. There's a whole weird story in Sicily about it. You're Siciliano? Siciliano.

Starting point is 00:05:00 Let's fuck. Same, dude. And man, you are fucking hot. Everyone else has to face forward when they take the picture and they usually say, don't smile. He's so hot. They let him go sideways and smile. You are a hot guy.

Starting point is 00:05:12 You're fucking sexy. Morgan Jay is in the building. Give it up for Morgan Jay. I had an intro, man. Yeah, it was taking too fucking long. Oh yeah, what? It was too long. Oh yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:22 Well, can I just say what I'm gonna say and then? Oh yeah, say what you want. Let me say what I wanna say. Say what you wanna say. Say what you wanna say. This is his favorite, let him do this. Let me tell you something about my game, Morgan James went to drink away.

Starting point is 00:05:34 He hangs out with Benny Hobbs, Little Twins, Jimmy the Cricket. He knows Jimmy the Cricket? He knows Jimmy the Cricket. How long you know Jimmy the Cricket? How long you know Jimmy the cricket So last night he comes up to me nervous yeah, yeah, he does I'm a little nervous About what he goes I wrote down questions. No I wrote down point. I'm okay

Starting point is 00:06:03 It's not quite I wrote in kick I'm gonna show you every time you interrupt him. He's not quite, I wrote the, sorry, go ahead. I'm gonna show you, Andrew. Every time you interrupt him, he's gonna do the fucking thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it, that's the- Wanko family. Let me see some of these questions. This is what I showed him. All right, so some of the questions that he wrote down,

Starting point is 00:06:16 or some of the talking points. Making this list because I feel like I'm not a good podcast guest. Did Whitney's podcast, she never put it out. Did dumbfounded podcast, we had to redo it. He explains all this to me. I did Tiger Milk podcast, she didn't put it out. Yeah, Tiger, oh, the all yours?

Starting point is 00:06:31 No, not mine. Jiang Yang Summers. Oh, Jiang Yang Summers? Yeah, Jiang Yang Summers. Wait, wait, wait, hers is called Tiger Milk? Tiger Milk. Tiger Milk, yeah. She's your protege.

Starting point is 00:06:44 She called hers Tiger Milk? Yeah. I don't fucking know, I guess. Yeah. Tiger Milk, yeah. She's your protege. She called hers Tiger Milk? Yeah. I don't fucking know, I guess. Yeah. I'm gonna get the fuck. Okay. Take that. All right, so listen.

Starting point is 00:06:53 You did Whitney's and she never put it out. No, she never put it out. But that's also, cause she could have taken the wrong pill that day and forgot to put it. Then you had a colonoscopy on Friday. Yeah. And the drug they gave you felt good. What did it lose? It was the Michael Jackson drug they gave you felt good. What did it-

Starting point is 00:07:05 It was the Michael Jackson drug, like propanol. Oh, oh, oh, propanol, right? It was good. That's Carlos, not so bad. So can I just finish my intro real quick? Brother, we're already there. No, I'm not there yet. No, we're-

Starting point is 00:07:15 He says another thing. He says another thing! What do I say? I'm so nervous. I'm with somebody, right? He gives me the list. Who are you with, a comic? A young lady.

Starting point is 00:07:24 Oh, nice lady. Then he goes I did I didn't even ask he goes I got a vasectomy stop You even he goes I swear to God you want to see it. I was so nervous I go I go I go I go I know I didn't even ask Here's a guy who shows his pews to audiences And then right he goes do you want to see ya? He's the guy who shows his pubes to audiences. And then, right, he goes, do you wanna see it? And I go, we're in the patio, there's people around. What the fuck is your problem?

Starting point is 00:07:50 He's the guy who shows his pubes to people on stage. I thought it was- This makes sense. I was like, I thought that was your energy. This makes sense. Oh, you can't match, you can't match my energy. What was this? Okay, you can't match it. My energy is my own frequency. You can't match my energy. You can't, what is this? Okay, you can't match it. Did they? My energy is my own frequency.

Starting point is 00:08:08 You can't match it. Did Ozempic shrink your hands? Look at your little finger. I know, dude, everything's- When you went like this, it looks sharp. I know, I know, I have little fingers up too. I wasn't really gonna do it,

Starting point is 00:08:15 but I was nervous and I just was vom. Can I see it? I do wanna see it. Vasectomy? Yeah, can I? You really wanna see it? I'd love to see it. We're not gonna put it on camera,

Starting point is 00:08:22 but I'd love to see it. I don't wanna see it. You gotta see it. I don't wanna see it. I wanna see it. I refuse to see it. I gotta see it. Why. I don't want to put it on camera, but I'd love to see it. You got to see it. I don't want to see it. I want to see it. I refuse to see it. I got to see it. Why'd you get a vasectomy? Cause you never want to have kids.

Starting point is 00:08:29 Okay. Look, there's a scar right there. Okay. You have nice testicles, dude. There's one on the other side too. My dog. The testicles are very pink. You, you, you're real bald. Well, I, I, I shaved my balls.

Starting point is 00:08:41 You shaved with a razor or with like a, like a, like a. He's walking it down. I shaved with a razor. Most of us Italians, we don't shave our balls. No, I shaved with balls you shave with a razor or with like a I shaved with a razor most of us Italians. We don't shave our balls No, I shave with a razor you go down on women. Yeah, Italians don't do that neither. We don't do that That was the sopranos right he didn't want to eat his that they should be my hope faux pas for Italian Americans to go down on It was like you suck my you want to see it. I just saw it. You didn't see it I saw the pink sack. Nice color. Beautiful sack.

Starting point is 00:09:08 Beautiful sack. So I'm sorry, dude. No, I'm sorry. Wait, let's back up. You're 37 years old and you got a vasectomy because you never want it. You're like, no kids ever. Are you married?

Starting point is 00:09:19 I got a serious partner I'm with. Okay, right. But we're in an open thing. And I'm dealing with something right now currently We don't know for sure if this girl's like lying or not about a pregnancy Oh, that kind of put the fear of God in me like you know they got a change thing what I tell you No, what I tell you what I you told what I tell you I mean you told me last night What the fuck I tell you so you don't fuck on Ohio. You don't fuck girls. You don't go Midwest fuck them

Starting point is 00:09:44 Yeah, you got it. You told me you my isn't that where Whitney's kid is from Miami No, but another Texas another comic was you got a hookup. Can I have my phone back? No, okay Another comic was saying like you can't hook up with girls in small towns Big city. It's like oh, I didn't tell you that. Oh, yeah, you told me that somebody told you yes Wait a minute because if you do it in a small town, she'll probably have the kid No, it's just like you're like, I don't want, you're like the coolest thing to happen in that town. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 00:10:09 If you fuck a girl in Miami, she'll fuck a football player the next day, you know? Or before she fucks you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, literally. Or you might be the appetizer and then she. But yeah, but me and my girl, we've already like talked about

Starting point is 00:10:19 how we don't want to have kids and stuff. You don't bag it? No, I do, I do. And this, my cum was nowhere near this person. So now I'm like, Oh, that's even, okay. What do you mean? What do you mean? He's saying the person that claimed pregnancy,

Starting point is 00:10:31 there was no transactional jizz. Yeah. No transactional. Sometimes I can redirect my jizz. And they haven't. I really can. Your jizz was like an old Asian man with his hands behind his back,

Starting point is 00:10:42 strumming through the street. I know. And by the time- And takes a break to smoke. By the time- By the time it comes out of your penis, she's sludged. She's home. Yeah, she's gone. She's already at home.

Starting point is 00:10:49 She's gone. Yeah, yeah, anyway. But yeah, so I got in just out of an abundance of caution and also, you know, in the next four years are gonna be tough on women, so I figured I'd get my nuts snipped up anyway. All right, because Trump might take away- Because I did-

Starting point is 00:11:00 I'll take away the sectimis. Because I did this before the election. I did this in September. You did? I did this in September, yeah. You have cute, cute, bulgy eyes. I'm not high, bro. No, but the bulging, I like.

Starting point is 00:11:08 Oh, I brought you guys a gift. Do you smoke weed in general or no? I don't do anything anymore. You quit every, you still- I'll have a drink like for special occasions, but outside of that. Good for you. I know you guys get a bunch of free shit all the time

Starting point is 00:11:21 and you guys might not, you don't have to keep this. You can give it back to me if you want, but I know you wear beanie sometimes. He loves beanie. I have the LOL, ha ha ha beanie. Love, throw it. This is fantastic. I have these two lighters.

Starting point is 00:11:32 This one's for you. Love. That one's for you. Yeah, well that one's not gonna. That one's for you. Oh, look at this. It's a, oh, it's titties. This one, this one's for you.

Starting point is 00:11:39 Yo, this is great. Oh. You sell these at your show? It's Doc's Venus. No, I got those. I got those in, I got those in Europe. Thank Venus. I got those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got those in Europe. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:11:47 I missed them. I got those on my floor. And I just, yeah, you can have it. And then these are the, what's your name, bro hat. Let me see. Oh, okay. This is from your show. This is from the show.

Starting point is 00:11:56 Wow. So I don't know. You feel free to give it to somebody else. No, this is beautiful. I'm gonna wear this. I rock this. You know what's so funny? Let's just hide the lighters

Starting point is 00:12:03 so I don't have to block them for the whole episode. I'll go, okay. Do you have to what's so funny? Let's just hide the lighters so I don't have to block them for the whole episode. Okay. Do you have to block that? Yeah. It's a- You too. Go ahead, express yourself. Can you hit me a little song there?

Starting point is 00:12:14 Do you want like inspirational piano music? Yeah, inspirational piano. Yeah. Okay, let's see. No, I have another one. No, we like that. No, I have another one. No, we like that. There are times on the podcast

Starting point is 00:12:31 when I'm sick and tired of the Spaniard's bullshit. Look out, look out. Why can't we fire him? Meow meow meow meow meow. Are we waiting for him to be deported? Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go. He's worthless. Ooh.

Starting point is 00:12:45 A disgusting porg of a man. Zubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubzubz effects don't get involved, you know what I mean? But I thought this is the right time. Sometimes you got to do it. I felt like it was very appropriate. Is this on? Oh yeah. Oh my God. Here we go. Yeah. You turn this up. Let's go. Yeah. Yeah. The Bad Ritz Podcast. Why is Bobby Lee accusing me of being on drugs? Do you want to do some of this? Do you want to try it out? Okay, you can try it out. Just get it close to your mouth.

Starting point is 00:13:27 I know how it works. What? Doesn't sound like it. Yeah. Now I know how it works. Put away the other mic. I know how it works. Sick.

Starting point is 00:13:39 You little fucking Italian bastard. Bulgy eyes, big teeth Just like a cartoon character from Disney Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh is it? No. That's your new. You want to try it? Try it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,

Starting point is 00:14:29 ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, There it is. I'm sick of this Asian next to me. It's fun, dude. It's really fun. Really fun. Really fun.

Starting point is 00:14:52 All right, so what I said was to Morgan before the show, I said, dude, I love what you do. Yeah. I said, but you've also done a disservice to our comedy world because he's so good at this and it's so wonderful. I see people copy him online we were talking about. There's people in other countries who are doing this now as standups trying to be him and they're fucking terrible.

Starting point is 00:15:17 There's a guy from Portugal doing it, a guy from Germany doing it, Russia, like these different countries are French. Stinks. It's so weird. They're like, they're trying to do this thing, but it's so bad that it bums me out because it's almost like you wish you could copyright your style.

Starting point is 00:15:34 Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Because whenever somebody, if you're weird and you suck, but you're unique, I like you. Yeah. I said that to him, I like it. But if you're weird, but I know you're doing a impression of another guy, can't fucking stand it.

Starting point is 00:15:48 But I mean, you know, some people accuse me of being like a kind of like a poor man's little dickie sometimes too. I get that a lot, you know, like- Only because you're curly hair, bro. But we also do the auto-tune stuff and- Yeah, but Dave, but Dave is- You know, I've met him three times.

Starting point is 00:16:00 I feel like I botched the meeting every time. You know what? Let's get to this. Well, he's Jewish. I want to get to this part of your personality. You know what, let's get to this. Well, he's Jewish. I wanna get to this part of your personality. You know how they feel about Italians. Okay. Yeah, that's a problem. This part of your personality.

Starting point is 00:16:11 Why does it feel like I'm coming in here and I have to defend myself? To me? No, to him, like right across from you. I feel like I gotta defend myself. He's always shooting. The kid's shooting. What is it?

Starting point is 00:16:21 I can't even, I can't believe. I'm nervous, dude. Don't I make you feel comfortable? You make me feel comfortable. See? Why are you shooting so hard at him? I'm not shooting hard. I can't believe what's going on right now.

Starting point is 00:16:33 What's going on? I can't even believe it. I'm rattled. You know, Carlos called it. Thank you. What is it? You get rattled when it's a hot guy. No, you don't.

Starting point is 00:16:41 Yes, he does, bro. Really? Yes, he always does. Tell me I'm lying. I don't think he's hot. You're so full of shit, dude. Shut the Yes, he does, bro. Really? Yes, he always does. Tell me I'm lying. I don't think he saw it. You're so full of shit, dude. Shut the fuck up.

Starting point is 00:16:48 That's insane. You 100%. That right there is a grave misjustice. You wouldn't hook up with him? Right, this right here is- You wouldn't hook up with him. Diabolic. In what context?

Starting point is 00:16:57 Exactly. Schindler's List, yeah. He's not. Didn't even make it to it. In a Schindler's List context where I'm in a camp, maybe. But no other context. Momestad, maybe. In an Amistad contest, we're in the bottom of a-

Starting point is 00:17:09 Momestad? On the boat. On the boat, we're rowing. You're well, you're not rowing. What? You're not rowing. Well, you know where I'm at. You're in the coal room.

Starting point is 00:17:18 No, I'm rowing, but I'm at the strongman row team, where I don't have to do much. I just put my hand on the thing. Goal? Goal, goal, goal. And I'm just kind of going with it. You're keeping time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're doing the drumming.

Starting point is 00:17:29 What's that? That's the drum. Yeah, that's not, this isn't Fury Road. Okay. You know what I mean? Where I'm, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. That was Fury Road. All right.

Starting point is 00:17:38 I'd fuck you in Fury Road. So what did you want to bring up? Yeah, what was it? It wasn't being aggressive, dude. It was just an observation. I'm so sorry that maybe I do come across that way. No, no, no, no. I'm projecting.

Starting point is 00:17:48 No, no, no. Let me change my attitude. I think you're right. So let me start over. All right, here we go. Yeah, go ahead. Hey. What's up?

Starting point is 00:17:59 What's up, man? What's going on? Thanks for doing it. Oh, I'm so happy to hear it. Yeah, I'm a big fan. Really? Yeah. I just made a little observation if you want to hear it. I'm a big fan. Really? Yeah. I just made a little observation if you want to hear it.

Starting point is 00:18:06 I would love to hear it. Yeah, yeah. It's just everything comes from a negative lens with you sometimes, you know? Really? Yeah, a little bit, but you know, do you. You do you, I'll be me. And it's really good to see you, man.

Starting point is 00:18:15 Oh, it's great to see you too. I like what you're doing out there. I appreciate it, man. Feel better? I do. Yeah. Is that better now? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:22 Okay, cool. Was that, that was the feedback? Was that it? That I have like a negative view? I thought you had a comment or something. That I see like things as a negative. No, it's like, you know, because the last night you're, you know, no offense, you know, I love you. You know, do you know what this is?

Starting point is 00:18:33 But what, no, I'm talking. Hey man, see, that's what it is. I think it's him. Did you see that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Andrew, please back me up. Okay, okay, hold on. And please be real. Can I ask a question first? No. Make a comment about my observation just now. He is excited to be here.

Starting point is 00:18:53 So nervous. Can I tell you something? You don't know this? You don't remember this? I think I know what it is. What is it? It's the four finger point. No, no, it's not that.

Starting point is 00:19:01 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Point with one finger. Don't go with four because it's dominating. No. You go like, can I tell you something with four? I don't like it. I had two encounters with you That's two fingers now two fingers five Once was on in Venice. He's on a bikini and I saw you walked on the street This is like a year or two ago when I wasn't having the blow-up right and I go Oh Bobby Lee. What's up? You know, my buddy Mark Smalls

Starting point is 00:19:20 He's like play plays games with you and stuff and you like, are you a funny guy? Are you funny? Are you funny? Like you were like, you were like, seeing if I was- That sounds like me. That sounds exactly like me. Are you funny? And then you like, you like grabbed me a little bit and like tussled with me and I kept walking.

Starting point is 00:19:35 And I was like, okay. Yeah. And then the second time I was at the improv. I can't believe this. And then the second time- No, this is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. I can't believe this. The then the second, no, this is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. I can't believe this.

Starting point is 00:19:47 The second time. Wow, continue friend. It was at the improv. And I was so excited because we were in the same lineup and he was coming in the green room and he goes, oh my God, you're so talented. Do you fuck a lot when you're on the road? Like that was exactly, that was like how quick it came.

Starting point is 00:20:01 So it was like very quick, like boom. And I was like, oh shit. And I really wanted to like, I don't know what the, you know, it was like, I wanted to give you the right answer. I don't know what the right answer was. That's how he operates. You must fuck a lot, right? You're a good looking guy.

Starting point is 00:20:12 I never said that. That's insane. You did. You did. Either one didn't happen. Say it to me right now. I'll pretend I'm Morgan and say that exactly what he said. I'll walk in the room and do it. Oh yeah, walk in the room and let me see, say that. You're sexy as fuck.

Starting point is 00:20:23 You fuck, no. Oh, you're doing great. I like your shit on live. Okay, I get it. You fuck a lot on the road. Yeah, yeah. All right, ready? You're so talented. No, I'm me.

Starting point is 00:20:30 You're a hit. No, I'm you, you're me. Oh, all right. You're such a talented. All right, hold on, I'm not done. I gotta be you. Go back up, back up for a second. I gotta be you real quick.

Starting point is 00:20:38 Get those eyes open. I gotta get my. White eyes, white eyes. There you go. All right right go ahead oh my god you're so you're so talented oh thank you I do auto tune this sheer disrespect I do a lot of that's that's why

Starting point is 00:21:00 and and and I've seen how Bobby is an yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah go do it over, do it again. No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, because I have another line. I want to go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is another- This is another-

Starting point is 00:21:12 You need the mic. Anyway- But you did say that to him, for sure. That sounds- No, because people make exaggerations about my encounters with them. I'm being real. You think you're Bill Murray or some shit?

Starting point is 00:21:24 Or what is it? Isn't it Bill Murray? He does that. No, what I'm saying is people go, oh, I met Bobby Lee, he did this. I never did that. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:21:31 So it's like, I don't know. I don't remember those incidents. That's how I remember it. Well, yeah, I remember probably different. Yeah. And that's the thing about storytelling. That's the thing about, you know, you ever see the movie Rashomon?

Starting point is 00:21:42 Yeah, Rashomon. You know what I mean? Is that Rashomon where it's like, it's three people telling the story of one thing from their different points of views, okay? So in this Rashomon context, right, my point of view is this. I saw you on Venice, Abbot Kenny, right?

Starting point is 00:22:03 And I go, oh, he's cool. And I go, how's comedy going? That's how I remember it. And then in the improv, this is how I view it. I go, oh, I love your shit online. You go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you go, you said, I get a lot of girls. And I go, oh, that's cool

Starting point is 00:22:17 because that happens when you rise. That's my point of view. That's how you thought it happened? That's how I know it happened in my point of view. There was another time at the store too that I'm recalling. You see now, go ahead. Where, well, I was just trying, I've said hello to you

Starting point is 00:22:32 because I just assumed somebody like you wouldn't remember who I am. And so- He's got a great memory. Yeah. He does, the kid's got a memory like a fucking elephant or something. And so I said, yeah, I think my buddy Andrew Lopez

Starting point is 00:22:44 did your podcast and I don't know. You also like, I think you asked again if I was funny or not, cause we didn't know you. I don't think you knew who I was and you kept asking if I was funny. You are very funny. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:58 But Bobby didn't- Dude, dude, dude. This is a key case of- This is conflabulation. Confabulation. Yeah. This is a key case of conflabulation. Confabulation. Yeah. Confabulation.

Starting point is 00:23:15 Welcome to Andrew Santino's new special. Confabulation. Yeah. Yeah. You are an Italian master. You look like a sick palatial shire. From the Godfather movies. I really like you though. I like you too.

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Starting point is 00:27:51 We met only one time, right? We did a show in Venice many, many years ago and it was in this backyard. Oh, in a backyard. It was a big show. It was like I had Ben Blanchard. I was running it. Interesting, because Andrew doesn't do backyard shows.

Starting point is 00:28:02 This was a long time ago before he was a town actor. Isn't that interesting? Isn't that interesting? First of all, never done a backyard show. I thought Ricky Snicky was great.. Interesting, because Andrew doesn't do backyards. This was a long time ago before he was a- Isn't that interesting? Now an actor. Isn't that interesting? First of all, never done a backyard show. I thought Ricky Snicki was great. Thank you, bro. I thought it was really good. That's also a crazy lie.

Starting point is 00:28:11 During COVID, I did outdoor shows all the time. I did one, you know the kid, there's a kid on the East side who had a show and he had a tree house in his backyard. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes. I did that. You never, you didn't, you never, you don't-

Starting point is 00:28:21 Isn't it Santa Monica or what? Santa Monica. No, Santa Monica was right. Yeah. No, no, no. There's, I guess there's a lot, you don't do that. Was it in Santa Monica or what? Santa Monica. No, Santa Monica was right. Yeah. No, no, no. I guess there's a lot of tree houses in the city. It's on the East side. I can't see you going to Venice to do a back to city.

Starting point is 00:28:31 This is a long time ago. Brother, before- This was like pre 2018 or something. Back in the day, I went everywhere. I used to drive down to fucking, I used to drive down to Dana Point to two shows. Dana Point. Okay.

Starting point is 00:28:46 You know where that is. I love it. You don't know where that is. I don't know where it is, no. It's the last city before you get to the military base on the way to San Diego. I used to drive down there. I used to drive to fucking Orange County

Starting point is 00:28:55 all the time for shows, man. I'd put in the fucking work. We weren't all mad TV kids that got to just do the store all the time. Some of us had to fucking- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, fucking- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Some of us had to do the grind. My defenses are coming up. Lower it, dude, I'll be a nice guy. Good to see you.

Starting point is 00:29:13 Good to see you. Touche. Thank you. Really great tour. We went to Australia. No, I'm not talking about that tour. We're not gonna talk about that tour? Uh-uh.

Starting point is 00:29:21 My brother's really excited I'm on the podcast. He listens to the podcast. What's his name? Jack. Shout out to Jack. I'm not gonna tell you how he described the podcast. What's his name? Jack. Shout out to Jack. I'm not gonna tell you how he described the podcast, but he's excited about it. What did he say?

Starting point is 00:29:29 He said, yeah, I like that podcast. I can't tell you. You have to tell. You have to tell. He said, with the Irish dude and the fat Asian guy. That's what he said. That's the alternative name for the show. The Irish dude and the fat Asian guy.

Starting point is 00:29:41 Not fat anymore. Not fat anymore. That's what he said. Zempi is cooking for you. But he loves the panca. Yeah, you know, it's so fun because it's, here's what's fun about life. I just can't believe it. What can't you believe? I mean, it's just like, lie.

Starting point is 00:29:54 You'll never meet the guy. Lie, lie. No, you have to tell the truth. Yeah, yeah. There's always funny. Yeah, it's incredible. But wow, okay. Next time you cough into the mic, put it on the auto-tune.

Starting point is 00:30:03 Okay. I want to hear auto-tune cough. You're sick too, aren't you? I thought you guys made fun of, okay. Next time you cough into the mic, put it on the auto-tune. Okay. I wanna hear auto-tune cough. You're sick too, aren't you? I thought you guys make fun of each other on this podcast. Not anymore. We do, we do.

Starting point is 00:30:13 Yeah, we do. We do. That's our whole thing. Now, so far, you've done other podcasts and you thought you did bad on the other podcast. How do you think you're doing on this one? I don't know, dude. No, be honest with me, how do you think you're doing?

Starting point is 00:30:23 I think I'm doing mid. I think you're doing very great. Yeah, you're fantastic. Oh, dude. No, no, be honest with me. How do you think you're doing? I think I'm doing mid. I think you're doing very great. Yeah, you're fantastic. That's great, yeah. See if it gets released. I know. That is, that's the guy. That guy could not release it.

Starting point is 00:30:33 He's the guy. He'd be relieved, yeah. He's our little magician. Yeah, I think you're doing a great job. Thanks, man. Yeah, and welcome. Thanks for having me. This is awesome.

Starting point is 00:30:42 All right, so let me ask this. Let's move on from the mastectomy thing. I wanna, because you brought talking points in. You had a colonosc This is awesome. All right, so let me ask this. Let's move on from the mastectomy thing. I want to, cause you brought talking points that up. You had a colonoscopy on Friday. Your father had? Yeah, he died of colon cancer. God, I'm sorry. How old were you?

Starting point is 00:30:51 Six. Six years old. I'm sorry. So I was like 31 years ago. Yeah. Wow, dude. Yeah. And then I got my mom reburied, my stepdad has Parkinson's.

Starting point is 00:30:59 No way. For like 30 years, yeah. Maybe it's you. That's it. You know what, dude? I'm sorry, bro. It just came out. I know that, dude. I it's you. Oh. That's it, you know what, dude? I'm sorry, bro. What problem? It just came out.

Starting point is 00:31:07 I know, dude. I apologize. When you said that, it rang true with me. You know what, dude? It rang true with me. I didn't want to say anything. Yeah. I want to say that earlier.

Starting point is 00:31:15 Yeah. Bad luck. Or it could be the Vietnam War and Agent Orange, I don't know. That could be it. Interesting you could bring it back to the- Yeah, Asian shit. Yeah, very interesting.

Starting point is 00:31:23 I get it, dude. Very interesting you did that. Yeah, that's incredible. Yeah. Maybe it's COVID. What's next? What'd you have for lunch? Panda Express? I mean, cut it out, dude.

Starting point is 00:31:30 Yeah, yeah, cut it out. Wait, wait a minute. How old is the gentleman with Parkinson's? He's 77. Terrible. So awful. And this guy was your dad. He raised you.

Starting point is 00:31:39 Just more or less, yeah, yeah. And is he, his functionality is still there or is he kind of- You know, on good days, it's like, he just has slow speech, but on bad days, it's like, he's not talking at all. And it's just like- Oh, that's terrible.

Starting point is 00:31:55 Slow blinks, a lot of coughing at the dinner table and stuff like that. It's funny when people bring up stuff like that, I tend to laugh, but it's not, I'm not mean. No, it's just a defense mechanism. I understand. Like Ramsey at the comedy store, his dad's losing his mind. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:10 You know what I mean? When he first told me, he goes, my dad's like losing his mind. And that, you know, you know what I mean? That was like my first, that's because I just can't deal with it. Like if I'm at a funeral. It's your instinct.

Starting point is 00:32:20 If I'm at a funeral, I'm gonna laugh. Like one time my brother at a funeral, right? And we heard a knock and I go, look, Auntie, Han is trying to get out. And then my brother and I started laughing like uncontrollably. Yeah. So it's just in, you know, in uncomfortable situation.

Starting point is 00:32:35 I'm winking back at him. He's looking at me. I love you, dude. Yeah, I love you, dude. Dude, you and I, we should have been pals long ago. Let's play some Fortnite together or Call of Duty or something. Yeah, yeah, Warzone or something.

Starting point is 00:32:46 Where'd you grow up? Jersey, about an hour outside of New York. Love a Jersey kid. I was in freshman, where were you at 9-11? High school. High school, yeah, me too. One of my favorite classes too. What class was it?

Starting point is 00:32:59 Spanish. Spanish, yeah. Fucked up my Spanish class. I was in English class. Were you? And we had people in our town that worked in the World Trade Center area. I remember the girl right behind me

Starting point is 00:33:10 bursting into tears when we ran out of the room. Cause they showed it, it was like on TV, it was crazy. Wow. Wow. What are you talking about? 9-Eleven. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that in your topics?

Starting point is 00:33:19 No, it wasn't, but I don't know. I'm running around a list now. No, I mean, that was very good. I feel like that was on the list. Yeah, yeah. This is kind of wild, yeah. This one says, promote Hamas. Yeah. Wow.

Starting point is 00:33:30 Yeah, okay. Go ahead, brother. Yeah, go ahead, dude. Yeah, that's on you. This is a good platform. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah. This one's it.

Starting point is 00:33:37 Here we go, here we go, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Hamas. Yeah, keep going, keep going. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, keep going, keep going. Ride the middle, ride the middle of Hamas.

Starting point is 00:33:52 Come on. Yeah, ride the middle. Really good, dude. Will you once, will you once, no, no, once grab it, will you sing, sing Allah Akbar once in a while? Yeah, yeah. Hamas Allah Akbar. Out of context, this is going to be terrible. This doesn't matter. I want that as my ringtone, so bad.

Starting point is 00:34:32 No okay, hold on. This is good. Went to a private member's club in Disneyland, 33. You went to club 33. Yeah, I went there. My reps got me in there. You know what's fun? Get a couple of pieces of paper.

Starting point is 00:34:42 We're gonna write some lines. He's gonna sing them. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, if it's too much, you know what I mean? This is couple of pieces of paper. We're gonna write some lines. He's gonna sing them. Yeah, that's fun. If it's too much, you know what I mean? This is why this is here. This is fun. This is fun. Let's do this. So you felt like you bombed meeting Lil Dicky for real?

Starting point is 00:34:53 Yeah, so the first time, I was like, he just moved to Santa Monica, and this is before the show and everything. We're at the California Chicken Cafe on Lincoln Boulevard. He loves that place. And I go in there and I go, oh, Lil Dicky, man, hey, you're so great, man. If you're ever looking for somebody to do like a hook

Starting point is 00:35:06 or something, it was really nice. He was like, actually, man, I'm just trying to do like real rap right now. But he was like, if you put your mind to anything, you really can achieve like your dreams or some shit. He said some shit like that. You want me to call him and rectify everything? Do you know why?

Starting point is 00:35:19 Because I feel like he's like, I really think he's an amazing artist. Yeah. And I feel like he would, what he sees as me, what I would do, and I'm probably projecting is I'm just being charismatic with Auto-Tune. And I think the two things are so different, you know.

Starting point is 00:35:32 But the two things are inherently different, so they can't be compared. I suppose. That's like saying we'd both do amplification of voices, microphone, we're all different. You're still different. Yeah, yeah. But he is someone that if you're good, respect.

Starting point is 00:35:47 He likes- I hope so. Yeah, I hope he doesn't think I'm- I'm gonna text him and ask him if he likes you. Oh God. And he's like, I don't fuck with that guy. You have no context for it. You got some of yours already?

Starting point is 00:35:59 I only have two. I only got two as well. Let's just do two. I can't think of any. You can think of another one, fun. Yeah. You're creative. We have girls. Sing about the idiots in think of any. You can think of another one, fun. You're creative. Yeah, girl.

Starting point is 00:36:07 Sing about the idiots in the booth real fast. We got some dummies. We got some dummies in the booth. I think they have tiny penises. They support Hamas One of them has a crazy bald head That they're hiding The ones I have are probably even good

Starting point is 00:36:43 These are good Yeah It's so Gucci. All bad friends. Can I ask you a question? When you're on your show and people don't sing, you know, sometimes. Yeah, I get upset. It's upsetting to me when I'm watching it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:03 It's a give it a go at least. But I'll tell you what, those people who give me pushback Yeah And then there's a couple clips where we've gotten them to sing the the joy That reverberates in the room when we get somebody to like kind of like this exposure therapy to like sing and come out of their Shell and when you crack somebody you crack somebody and they smile and the whole room smiles and I mean it's and for me It's exciting, you know, I was you know, I was doing stand-up for like six years, and I was doing okay,

Starting point is 00:37:25 but I just kinda got bored with it. All right, there. Wow. Damn, dude. That worked. I can't believe I remembered how to make a paper airplane. Hello, Los Angeles! We are paper airplane!

Starting point is 00:37:39 Oh! Oh! All the way, all the way! Hello, everybody! We are paper airplane all the way from Busan, Korea! Oh All the way from Busan Korea Everybody yo, can we name our first paper airplane? Yeah? Yeah, we are here we go paper airplane Yeah, fly fly fly all over the world paper airplane coming steal your girl. Yeah

Starting point is 00:38:05 You're really good. All right, here we go. I have three. Yep. Yep. Exactly what I thought would happen. If they don't work, is this, okay, it's on. If they don't work, if you just go over there. Yeah, I'll make it work.

Starting point is 00:38:13 He'll make it work 100%. Yeah, yeah. I went to so many ditty parties. Can we freak off? Can we freak off? Give me that baby oil. Give me that baby oil. Put it on my body. All right.

Starting point is 00:38:36 Good one. Next one. You know what I like? I like the taste of children's toys. Next one. So good. Ah. That was so good. Finish it. Take it home. Yeah. I believe our Kelly.

Starting point is 00:39:10 Where was it? Where was it? Where's the one? Where's the one? I just, where the one? Where was the one? They're probably combined probably in those ones. Oh no, it's right here.

Starting point is 00:39:18 Mine are so good. Oh, wow. I'm going to go with the one that's on the left. I'm going to go with the one that's on the right. I'm going to go with the one that's on the right. I'm going to go with the one that's on the right. I'm going to go with the one that's on the right. I'm going to go with the one that's on the right. I'm going to go with the one that's on the right. I'm going to go with the one that's on the right. I'm going to go with the one that... I just... where's the one? They're probably combined probably in those ones. Oh, no. It's right here.

Starting point is 00:39:28 Mine are so good. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bobby, where are you from? San Diego. Korea. Ching... Ching chong. San Diego, Korea. Chin-chan. Chin-chan.

Starting point is 00:39:45 Ping-pong. Hong Kong fried rice. Yeah. Next one, next one. Does anybody know some dwarfs here? Does anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs? Because did you know some dwarfs in the room?

Starting point is 00:39:53 Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room?

Starting point is 00:40:01 Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs in the room? anybody know some dwarfs in the room? Anybody know some dwarfs? Because did you know that when dwarfs fart, they fly just a little bit? Did you know that if you get a seahorse and you put it with a dwarf, you got ocean cowboys. Little cowboys. Oh, it's so good.

Starting point is 00:40:32 Swimming through the ocean. How do dwarves touch themselves? I always think about that when I see them Bro very good There you write the dwarf cowboy this little one. No that was he added. Okay, that's mine was the farting Yeah, the farting right which I ended it there, but then he added so good They also added more of the ching chong. I did yeah, that was great. You got to continue. Yeah Not good enough. You gotta say, huh? Fried rice from Hong Kong.

Starting point is 00:41:10 Rocket money! I'll tell you this, pal. Cha-ching! Cha-ching-ching! Cha-ching! It saved me a lot of money, this Rocket Money. I'll tell you that, right? Because you know what?

Starting point is 00:41:19 I have a lot of subscriptions. Lots. That I'm not even aware of. You know what I mean? And it's like, it consolidates it all and it saves you so much money over the years. It's so easy, man. Most Americans think they're spending like $62 a month

Starting point is 00:41:30 on subscriptions. Holy moly moly moly. The real number? Closer to 300. Holy moly moly moly. That's a lot. That's a big difference. Even if a couple of subscriptions fall under your radar,

Starting point is 00:41:39 there's all sorts of other stuff. Payments recurring that you don't know and managing finances can feel complicated and time consuming. What is- With them, they make it so simple. I mean, what is Rocky Money? Rocky Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your own one-year

Starting point is 00:41:53 subscriptions, monitors your spending, all helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. That's exactly right. They want to help you. They want to help you, man. You can get alerts if your bills increase in price and if there's unusual spending activity. They have so many functions on there to help you get back the money that you've been blowing in the wind.

Starting point is 00:42:10 Rocket Money will even try to help negotiate to lower your bills for you, sometimes by up to 20%. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions

Starting point is 00:42:27 by going to rocketmoney.com slash bad friends. That's rocketmoney.com slash bad friends. Rocketmoney.com slash Bad friends. Do you guys feel like from this point, like you've achieved everything you wanted to? No. Yeah, I'm good, I'm out.

Starting point is 00:42:42 I feel- Yes. I feel, I felt good last year. Everything at this point is just like extra for me. No. Yeah, I'm good, I'm out. I feel- Yes. I feel, I felt good last year. Everything at this point is just like extra for me. Yeah. I'm kind of like happy, you know? I think we've always said, like, as soon as we could employ and have fun with our friends, that was like, we beat the system.

Starting point is 00:42:58 Yeah. We can like work without, like literally, everybody in here is a friend of ours from many years ago, except for one guy that's newer. But we still love, but like that guy is my oldest friend in Los Angeles, like, and we worked together. I've known him for a very long time. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:11 But we, our goal was just if you could work with your friends and make shit, that was like, can we do that all the time? Yeah, yeah, it really is. This year is the first year I started bringing my like openers and friends with me and it's the fucking best. It's really been a whole. Let's call Domino. No, we already know, cause I did it with a fucking best. It's not really been a whole. Let's call it dumb though.

Starting point is 00:43:25 No, we already know, cause I did it with a friend of mine, Binyam Bizzouna. Because dumb is. We were like all over. I like Binyam. Yeah, Binyam. He wrote on Dave. Yeah, yeah, Binyam's great.

Starting point is 00:43:34 And we were just kind of all over the place and it wasn't editable. So I just did it. I'm gonna lie, you're not with me. Okay. Okay, just watch this. They're old friends, so this is. No watch.

Starting point is 00:43:44 You are, I'm saying. I'm old friends, yeah. Yeah, it'll be worth it. Is he still mad at you? Well, we'll find out. What up? Yo, dude, what's up? So it's so crazy, dude. I ran into fucking Morgan J. Yeah. He was like, Yo, dude, that motherfucker. dumb made me do his podcast twice. It was fucking bullshit. and I'm like no seriously what fuck happened dude nothing happened man he just did it because the feed that the first podcast and it was bad like what the fuck happened though dude he's not really a great podcaster so it's just I I just didn't get any good things so because he was also with my other comedian homie, Benium. Yeah, and they were like not riffing well

Starting point is 00:44:28 So I got him on again. How do you do the second time? I Thought you'd be great. The second was better. So I'm glad we did it again. Yeah, good good good Yes, do you think we should have him on our show Morgan? Yeah, for sure why But really though? Why? Because I've heard bad things from Whitney stuff, you know, other people have said it. Like that he's not like he's stiff and doesn't know how to add information.

Starting point is 00:44:54 He's a kind of a diva. Is he a diva? No, he's not a diva. I mean, he's definitely making noise, you know? Yeah, yeah. But you know, when you look at him, doesn't it look like a rat to you? Like it was this fucking teeth and the way the way his faces comes out like a rat No, I'm being real. It's Morgan bear or what? I'm right here, bro. I'm on the podcast

Starting point is 00:45:16 I was nervous about I'm a bad podcast I love you, dude. We love you. You're the best, bro That's a perfect Work it's work. It's good No, he's real good. No because you even said I mean if you were like you you're self-aware Yeah, we were there times. I do podcast. I'm like, that was, I was fucking terrible. Yeah, I even said, I was like, I don't know how you guys are gonna edit this together.

Starting point is 00:45:48 This was crazy. What? Well, his first one. His first one, but this is, there's no way. I've done that where you do them and you're like, dude, can we not put that out? Yeah, do not put that out. It was so bad.

Starting point is 00:45:57 Do not put that out. Or you give them a million notes. You got to cut that out, cut that out. If you were like in a bad place, sometimes during the day you're coming from and you're like, brother, I'm not in a good, I shouldn't have done it. It's crazy how you came right from doing your own podcast.

Starting point is 00:46:08 You just like doing podcasts. Do you have one after this? No, no, no. Why? We do that shit all the time. This is exalt, like I tried to do a podcast, but it wasn't in me. I'm more, I'm trying to do the live streaming stuff.

Starting point is 00:46:18 I'm trying to be like Kaisa Nat. See, I don't want to do live streaming. Well, here, here's what works for us. We just absolutely do not prepare anything. That's right. You were mad at this list. No, we just kinda just show up and like, you know, just do it and sometimes we don't air it.

Starting point is 00:46:34 Some of us prepare. What do you mean? We have stuff slotted for the show. Sometimes it's better not to prepare. That's right. Well, that was fun. Like that little thing we did, we didn't know we were gonna do that. It depends on what show, but sometimes we not to prepare. That's right. Well, that was fun. Like that little thing we did, we didn't know we were gonna do that.

Starting point is 00:46:45 It depends on what show, but sometimes we have to prepare. Yeah. What do you mean? I mean, you must have some guests who you think are gonna be pulling teeth, right? No, like a lot of times I'll coordinate with these guys on bits that we're gonna run on the show. But Bobby is a,

Starting point is 00:47:01 it's like a hidden camera show for him. He's never, you know what I mean? Like he gets to show up and he's always the fucking bit. But that's the beauty is that we tee you up to fly free. Wonderful. Do you not know that we do work behind the scenes? I understand that you do work like, so here's a video that we're gonna watch. But what I'm just saying in general

Starting point is 00:47:23 about like how we're gonna open or the things that we even said in the first 45 minutes, we didn't plan. No, we did not. None of it. That's right. Yeah, we just kind of ride the wave. And sometimes the wave isn't rideable. Yeah, it's a swell.

Starting point is 00:47:38 It's a swell. It's a one footer, dude. Yeah, it's a one footer. And then sometimes we go, we can't release that footage. Yeah, I get it. You know? You can't put it on a footer, dude. You know, can I just say that it's a one footer and then sometimes we go, we can't release that footage. Yeah, I get it. You know? Yeah, you can't put it on a footer, dude. You know, can I just say that it's like your eyebrows,

Starting point is 00:47:50 they're like Hitler mustaches. I just got them done. Okay. Right before this. I literally was like, I like cleaned myself up. But they're like literally short. Are they usually longer or? No, I mean, if I didn't do anything,

Starting point is 00:47:59 it'd be a unibrow for sure. Are they threaded? You get them threaded? I get them threaded, yeah. I had a nice girl from Bangladesh did them for me. You know about that, threading? Oh yeah, no, yeah, I have seen some. I prefer that to the-

Starting point is 00:48:08 Kalei Lai used to take her to the threading place. Yeah. And I see them do it. They thread it. You've never had to trim your eyebrows. Shout out Beauty Secrets on Venice Boulevard. No, on Washington Boulevard. Whoop, whoop.

Starting point is 00:48:17 Beauty Secrets. Whoop, whoop, whoop. You've never had to trim your eyebrows. No. I've never trimmed anything except for my mustache. Oh yeah. How often do you do that? Once a month? When I can taste my hair, then I cut it.

Starting point is 00:48:27 What does it usually taste like? Well, sometimes I go, wow, this pastrami sandwich is rough. And I go, oh, my little mustache is getting into the, you know what I mean? When you guys have a slice of pizza, like you smell it afterwards for a little bit, like the cheese. I'm a germaphobe, I wash my face.

Starting point is 00:48:41 I just want you to know, I know I sound, I'm not like a contagious person. No, no, I know Andres is sick anyway. He comes into the studio sick every fucking week. Do you guys get sick a lot when you tour? No. We didn't get sick at all. That's crazy. In Australia we didn't get sick at all.

Starting point is 00:48:54 No, I don't get sick much. I have a good immune system, but he does bring his bullshit ass baby and his fucking wife works in a hospital. So this motherfucker brings shit in here every week. I'll immediately be like, oh, you've been sick. And I'll go, you're sick. And then what do you say every time I go, are you sick? What do you in here every week. I'll immediately be like, oh, you've been sick. And I'll go, you're sick.

Starting point is 00:49:06 And then what do you say every time I go, are you sick? What do you say? I was. I was, I'm over it. Yeah, he's always over it. So the day that he gets healthy is we pod the next day. Just a coincidence that he's always just over it. I get it.

Starting point is 00:49:18 You're a fucking liar. Yeah. Call him a fucking dirty, sick liar. He's a dirty Spaniard liar. Yeah, you're a dirty fucking Spaniard. You fucking colonizer. Fuck you and your colonizing friends. Fuck you, fuck you.

Starting point is 00:49:43 Fucking love you, thank you. Do girls, when you're with them, if you're with them, do they want, like you're in the hotel or whatever, do they want you to turn that shit on then? Have you ever done that? Say it to a girl? When you're singing. Have you ever whipped that out and sang

Starting point is 00:49:55 while you're in the hotel with them? No, no, but I, with my guitar, I sing. Oh, really? Yeah. Can you imagine getting head while you're like, oh yeah. Yeah. One time, so I met this girl in Cleveland, right?

Starting point is 00:50:07 Oh yeah, suck those balls. Be gentle with those balls. Put one in your mouth. Put the second one in your mouth. And take that index finger and stick it in my ass. Chicks have to love that shit though, huh? They love it. I'm a goofy guy, they like a goofy guy.

Starting point is 00:50:33 Yeah. Nah, you're a handsome cat though too. So how do you break that up when you're on the road? Am I fat? Am I fat? Like your brother said? No. You've been thinking about that, you're not.

Starting point is 00:50:41 Yeah, I've been thinking about that the whole time. You're down six pounds. The whole time, yeah. Am I fat like your brother said? You're literally not, you're stout. The fat Asian head? That's what he said, the fat Asian head? You're stout, dude.

Starting point is 00:50:49 I'm not stout. No, he means you're stocky. Look at that, lift up your shirt. You're not fat. No, you lost weight, bro. I mean, what's up? He's on ozempic. I'm not trying to fight you, dude.

Starting point is 00:50:59 Anyone wants to move on? I gotta let it go. I gotta let it go, I gotta let it go. Yeah, I gotta let it go, yeah, yeah. Tell them what you told me in Australia, though, what's gonna happen. What's gonna happen? Well, I'm gonna get ripped. Bro, do you wanna, we it go, I let it go. Yeah, I let it go, yeah, yeah. Tell them what you told me in Australia though, what's gonna happen. What's gonna happen? Oh, I'm gonna get ripped.

Starting point is 00:51:08 Bro, do you wanna, we can go to a gym sometime together. Yeah, dude, take him. Yeah. It's so funny, you'll see. I don't do a... You know what I've been saying in Australia the whole time? Morgan, if I may? Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:51:17 Yeah. It's this kind of bullying shit. It's this shit right here, dude. It's, it's, dude, it this, no, it's this shit. No, he kept in the car, in the car he kept going. I'm gonna get jacked. I'm gonna get jacked. I said ripped.

Starting point is 00:51:31 Ripped, yeah, yeah. You can do it. And this guy, and this guy cackled like a hyena in the night, dude. Hilarious. In my face, and you know what I said to him? I kept saying to all these guys, you'll see. Because I love a challenge.

Starting point is 00:51:44 You can do it. I love a challenge, right? You can do it. Yes, I do, because I love a challenge. You can do it. I love a challenge. You can do it. No, you can't. Yes, I do. I believe in you. I am gonna do it. I believe in the power of like, you can do it, bro.

Starting point is 00:51:52 Everyone was- I don't think you could get Jack because you're 60 or something. So- Yeah, that's what I said. But I think you could get fit. Fit is different. He said he's gonna get Jack.

Starting point is 00:51:59 I don't think you can get like ripped Jack. Correct. Because whatever you do, no matter how ripped you get- Thank you. It's gonna be like a little bit- Literally proving my point. Little bit looser. Verbatim what I said in Australia.

Starting point is 00:52:08 Oh, is that what you said? Verbatim. But you'll be like ripped healthy. Yes, healthier. If that makes sense. Thank you. But even like a 50 year old who's ripped, it's gonna be a little bit-

Starting point is 00:52:17 Bring up RFK Jr. with the shirt off. This cat is in unbearably good shape and you'll never get near this. And he still looks kind of fat. The rock is big. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but the rock is on Trenor some shit. Yeah, he's on, yeah, he's on shit.

Starting point is 00:52:31 So zoom in, look, he's in phenomenal shape. You don't think I can look like that? Dude, but look, look at it, his belly still is like loose cause we're not young anymore. You're not a kid. I know, but I'm still gonna look like that's still me. That's ripped to me. He is ripped.

Starting point is 00:52:43 Yeah, yeah, and I can't get there. There's no- You're saying it's physiological. There's ripped to me. He is ripped. Yeah, yeah. And I can't get there. There's no- You're saying it's physiological. There's no way you'll ever get there. I love those fucking- Yeah, yeah. Dude, you'll never be able to get there. One time I saw a grasshopper and I fought it with my-

Starting point is 00:52:57 Okay. There's far too much fake sugar in the world. I agree, dude. Take it out. So everyone listening now, you heard it first. Wait six months to a year. Let's do it. And then we'll see.

Starting point is 00:53:10 That'll be you. You'll be like Alex. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, man, I got fucking jacked as shit. Frogs are gay. You know, some women like that bill. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. That's a really good bill.

Starting point is 00:53:22 This is my point. Women already like the way he is. That's a good bill, bro. He pulls beautiful women. So the change is weird. The same girls aren't gonna find you attractive. Somebody said, I already told you. I'm fucking cornhole-io.

Starting point is 00:53:37 Yeah. Yeah, they're really funny. I told you the wildest shit about this guy. Did I ever tell you the story? You met him. This is my first time here, so I've heard no story. No, but this, did I ever tell this on there? No.

Starting point is 00:53:50 The wildest story, dude. This is a while ago, me and Rogan and George Perez, and we're playing in Austin, what's the club? Why can't I think of it? It's Cap City. Yeah. The old one. And we're down there there and the next morning,

Starting point is 00:54:06 George is like, you know, hey bro, we wanna fucking get high as a motherfucker. And I was like, oh yeah, absolutely, dude. Let's get ripped up and like go down by the lady bird lake or whatever. We get fucking stoned and then Rogan is like, meet me at the Four Seasons Hotel. We're gonna have lunch.

Starting point is 00:54:22 Okay, we're, or dinner or whatever. Okay. And he's coming. He tells us when we're there. And I okay, or dinner or whatever. Okay, and he's coming. He tells us when we're there. And I was like, oh shit, Alex Jones is coming to this fucking thing. Wow. Is that like a, oh shit, he's coming?

Starting point is 00:54:32 Or is it like- I'm fascinated with this guy. Okay, okay, great. Like, he's not gonna talk to me. I'm just gonna be near him at a dinner listening to chaos. You know what I mean? Yeah, there's a piece of me that was like, this is a bad idea.

Starting point is 00:54:44 I don't wanna be fucking photographed with this fucking lunatic. But he's like, he comes to the dinner and he's, dude, he showed there's like armed guards everywhere and he sits down, we're outside on the patio surrounded by a bunch of people. And he, like I said, George and I are fucking baked and we're just looking at each other

Starting point is 00:54:59 because we're like, this is so strange. And he brought a girl, girlfriend or something, whatever. She pretty beautiful? I don't remember, man. She's like a girl, a girlfriend or something, whatever. She pretty beautiful? I don't remember. She's like a woman. I don't know. But he's the whole time, he's like in the middle of conversations with Rogan,

Starting point is 00:55:11 like deep, deep. They didn't look at, you know, he didn't look away from her once. And he would be like, yeah, and then you're the girl. This is the girl with him. He'd be like, yeah. So Joe, that's the thing that's going on. It's like frogs are gay.

Starting point is 00:55:21 That's an emulation of a chap. Children are gonna be gay like frogs. They're gonna be hot bumping all. And then he would stop and in the middle of it go, baby, baby, kissy kissy. No, no, that's so funny. My hand to God. Baby, baby, kissy kissy.

Starting point is 00:55:36 Oh my God, I love it. And she would give him a kiss. Yeah, and she would give him a little kiss. And then he'd go, and like I said. Two maybe, because kissy kissy means two. Yeah, kissy kissy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he wouldn't even skip a beat. Dude, he'd go right back to Rogan and be like, cause kissy kissy means two. Yeah, kissy kissy kissy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he wouldn't even skip a beat, dude.

Starting point is 00:55:46 He'd go right back into, right back to Rogan and be like, and that's the thing, if they're licking frogs trying to get high and sell a side, then they're also gonna be gay. Turning you gay and you're licking kissy kissy. No! My hand had got. Oh my God, that's such a great move.

Starting point is 00:55:56 And meanwhile, George Perez, you know, we're fucking cooked. So George was, I mean, so baked, we're dying laughing. And I can't look up. Like I'm just laughing. Are you laughing? I'm trying to get mashed potatoes. Oh my God, it's amazing.

Starting point is 00:56:06 Because I was losing my mind. It was so surreal. It was like one of those, like, I'm in a, I'm in like a fucking Curb episode. Do you know what I mean? I was like, does he go, licky, licky? Yeah, let's sucky, sucky, baby. Let's sucky, sucky, sucky.

Starting point is 00:56:16 Wow, that's where sucky, sucky maybe came from. Sucky, sucky. You know what I mean? Wow. That's wild. That was the weirdest thing. It was like an, What was Sucky, Sucky $2? Is that 50 And what was, what was sucky sucky two dollars? Is that 50 years ago, 100 years ago?

Starting point is 00:56:28 Is it still two dollars? That's from a movie, right? Two dollar sucky sucky, what? Chinatown maybe? Like inflation's gone up. You think it's like 80 dollars? It wasn't a full metal jacket, right? Is it 80 dollar sucky sucky now you think or 100?

Starting point is 00:56:40 No, it's like 140. Oh, specific. That is the first one. That is the 140. That was so sincere, dude. That was so funny, dude. By the way, I wanted to put this fact out there to the world because it shocked me. When did Picasso die?

Starting point is 00:57:01 Picasso. Probably in the 60s? In the 80s. In the 70s. In the 70s in the 70s I was close. Yeah, I thought for sure it was before that you're probably gonna find I'm gonna use you're like Van Gogh Van Gogh Van Gogh Van Gogh who the fuck is Van Gogh Van Gogh But he's pronounced Van Gogh shut up. Look it up. How do you think I ask you about art? Wait, but it's go G.o UGH, right? It's it was Dutch. It's like can I ask you about Arthur? Yeah, but we're not, bro.

Starting point is 00:57:25 That's true. That's Van Gogh. Is Keith Haring good? You know my stance. What is it? No. Have you seen the doodler, the doodle guy? That guy's better than Keith Haring.

Starting point is 00:57:35 That guy's really great. I fuck with that guy, Mr. Doodle. Yeah, Mr. Doodle. I fuck with him. The guy in the subway? He painted his whole house. In doodles, it's crazy. Bring up Mr. Doodle real fast.

Starting point is 00:57:44 This dude is fucking incredible. Keith Haring was- This guy's incredible. This guy is a magician. I've never seen someone so talented. And it's just like, I don't know how it comes out of his brain. It's all freehand.

Starting point is 00:57:53 And it comes out perfect. Look at that. Oh wow, that's so dope. And he just did that with like paint and markers and shit. Wow. Keith Haring wishes he could do that shit. Yeah. Now bring up some Keith Haring bullshit.

Starting point is 00:58:03 He's dead, right? But the same could be said for what's his name. He did the canned tomatoes or some shit. Andy Warhol. Andy Warhol. No, no, no. Don't ever bring him in a negative light again. These are different.

Starting point is 00:58:12 These are different because Andy Warhol, Andy Warhol. Look at the, look, look, look, come on, bro. Please, dude. I mean, it was about AIDS. He was doing this for AIDS. Yeah, yeah. No, what? No, he just happened to have AIDS.

Starting point is 00:58:24 No, no, he got it. He didn't do it for it. No, he got it. Oh my No, he just happened to have AIDS. No, no, he got it. He didn't do it for it. No, he got it. Oh my God, I got AIDS, I got the art. What are you doing? He wanted to bring awareness to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Starting point is 00:58:31 He went and got AIDS just so he could do the art. He was making it. See, that looks like a doodle. It's like a, that's a Mr. Doodle thing. I think it's pretty cool, dude. I think he's the first guy to do that. You know what it is? It's got sauce, it's got swag.

Starting point is 00:58:40 Oh, it's great, I do like it. Yeah, yeah. It's got swag. No, here's the problem. I like it, but I don't want it. Okay. Right. It's fine's great. I do like it. Yeah. It's got swag. No, here's the problem. I like it, but I don't want it. Okay. Right. It's fine. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:48 I fuck with it. He was, he was, he's talented, but also like, I don't know. It was, it's fine. Yeah. Interesting. It's no starry night. He looks like he has AIDS right there. Yeah. Terrible, bro.

Starting point is 00:59:00 Look at that. He's like, I got AIDS. No. Oh, here we go. An AIDS song. Yeah. I have AIDS. I'm aided up. I got so much AIDS. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:17 You got me on this podcast going hamas. Yeah, hamas. Basquiat, do you like him? You know how I feel about Basquiat. He's great. He's cool. Yeah. But again, like his shit isn't like, wow. Yeah. Basquiat, do you like him? You know how I feel about Basquiat. He's cool. Yeah, yeah. But again, like his shit isn't like, wow.

Starting point is 00:59:28 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just cool. This is the problem, I fit this in cool artists. Like that's cool, but I never go, wow. I just go, that's cool. Yeah, but I see that on a, that's like on a shirt at Target. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:40 That's my problem. What's your Korean name? Uh-huh. Target. Okay, that's so weird. Target. No. That's my problem. What's your Korean name? Uh-huh. Chung. Okay, that's so... Chung. No, that's not it. Did you hear that was a Godfather theme?

Starting point is 00:59:50 You don't know, you know what? Chung. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chung. Yeah, that's good. You don't know my Korean name? Cho Sung Geun. Yeah, do it down, that's the other thing.

Starting point is 01:00:04 Cho Sung Gobi, that's his. Nara-ng-he. Nara-ng-he-oh. Apa. Apa. How do you know apa? From Dumb's podcast. Yeah, from Dumb. Oh.

Starting point is 01:00:18 Nara-ng-he. What is your Korean name? He'll sing it. Song-woo. Song-woo. what is your Korean name he'll sing it song Oh Wow Wow how do you get sung ooh I didn't my parents did it how do they get it what does it mean I think it means six that you're coming out of like a Republican, what does that mean? What does that name mean? It's Yi Song Wu.

Starting point is 01:00:47 So when you Chinese people giving each other Wing Wong names and Ding Dong names. Oh, they have it? Is there a website that has the definition? That's the name of the Virginia Tech shooter. Oh, Song Wu. That's Song Wu. That's Song Wu.

Starting point is 01:01:02 Pretty close. Both Songers. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Some songs of bitches. By the way, you remember Wingdings? That's what that Texas dude calls any sort of Asian writing. That's a bunch of Wingdings on the fucking wall, dude.

Starting point is 01:01:16 Bro, Korea is crushing it right now. I wanna go. In what way? Just culturally, they're just like exporting like- That's you, Sung-hoon is the name? Who? H-O-O. Just H, I don't know, H-U, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:01:25 How do you not know your fucking- I don't know how to spell it. They're dancing better, they're singing better, they're making fried chicken better, they're fucking crushing it. Yo, be careful about that fried chicken shit. Well, you know, GIs taught them how to make fried chicken. That is true.

Starting point is 01:01:36 Yeah, that is true. Black GIs taught them how to do that. Yeah. Korean fried chicken is bomb as fuck. They're fucking crushing it, I know. Yeah, film, they're crushing it. I mean, look at the pizza. That was the biggest problem with Australia, by the way.

Starting point is 01:01:48 Was it? Too many fucking whites, the food was dog shit. Yeah, I just, I always had Thai food when I go to these. Us too, but you kind of run out of it, cause even then you're like, all right. They, there's too many whites. That is a worldly knowledge. If you have too many whites,

Starting point is 01:02:00 central core in your country and not enough others, you're fucked, Your food is fucked. We had more bad pizza. Wasn't there a comic who was like, if you wanted to pour all the people out of America, you shouldn't be allowed to eat their food. Like whoever you want to pour, whoever you wanted to pour, you can't eat

Starting point is 01:02:15 their cultural food. They don't have extra crispy chicken at the Kentucky Fried Chicken in Australia. It's like soggy. Did you get the Kentucky Fried Chicken in Australia? Yeah, it was soggy. No. They said it was really good. Quality of the chicken is good, but they don't have extra fried, it's gotta soggy. Did you get the Kentucky fried chicken in Australia? Yeah, it was soggy. No. They said it was really good.

Starting point is 01:02:25 Quality of the chicken is good, but they don't have extra fried, it's gotta be crispy. By the way, because the best, they love KFC, but I think our best still to this day is Popeyes. I think Popeyes fucks the hardest. It's the crispiest that we get in America. What's the best fried chicken you've had? In my life?

Starting point is 01:02:41 Yeah, the Dave Chappelle fried chicken. The best fried chicken I've ever had was, one of them was definitely at Chappelle's. We had chicken and waffles at like 1.30 in the morning. After we did Chappelle's club. I couldn't move my neck and my fucking heart was about to stop. Was this at his place? I couldn't go to sleep because I'm-

Starting point is 01:02:57 Dude, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack that night. It was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He had like a world renowned chef after we did our show and the show's done, we closed down, everyone's party is over. He's like, we'll go have chicken and waffles. And I was like, where? He's like, right there.

Starting point is 01:03:12 And we walked into a room, into like a private dining room and they served us made to order waffles with homemade butter and syrup poured all over. That was incredible. They're like beautiful fried chicken. It was gorgeous. And then afterwards he was like, let's go dance. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:29 And then it was like a nightclub. Yeah, you can start dancing. Fucking amazing. So hanging out with him was pretty tight. Dave Chappelle is Willy Wonka of comedy. He is, yeah, yeah, yeah. He is the dream maker. He makes the, it's unbelievable.

Starting point is 01:03:42 Aziz told a joke about it. He's like, do you really not want to hang out? You could go home or you could say you hung out with Dave Chappelle or some shit. Aziz was like, had a joke about how you, he wasn't gonna, I don't know. But honestly, he is like a dream mate. Wow.

Starting point is 01:03:54 Where there's guys where you're like, would that be as fun to hang out with them? Chappelle lives with his family. You could tell when you watch him. I always said that, like the comics that are really great are the ones you want to hang out with after the show. 100%, yeah. He was like, he had a store, he's like this beautiful store in town that has like the comics that are really great are the ones you wanna hang out with after the show. 100%, yeah. You know? He was like, well, he had a store,

Starting point is 01:04:06 he's like this beautiful store in town that has all the chapelle gear. Wow. And he was so- Yeah, take anything you want. He was going there and take anything, and we were like, no, no, we'll get a shirt or a hat, you know?

Starting point is 01:04:15 And we walked in there and the people working there were like, bags, we're like, okay guys, throw everything in a bag that you'd like. It was wild, man. Wild. I was like, oh, this is, you're just, you feel like you don't deserve it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:27 Where you're like ashamed a little bit, but he's the, you know what I mean? I had to say I'm jealous. I want to do that. It was fucking rad. It was rad. We cried. Yeah, we cried.

Starting point is 01:04:35 We cried. You're smoking weed with him? No, I'm sober, but when we first saw him, we said we're gonna go back to the hotel, we got in the car and we, him and I both started crying. That's true. Really? Yeah, because it was so cool.

Starting point is 01:04:47 Yeah, it was a powerful moment. Because he picked us up in his Jeep at the airport. He picked you up? Yeah, we go to a private plane. He drove and he picked you up? He literally was leaning against the Jeep. Bro, I'm blown away by this. And he goes, what's up, man?

Starting point is 01:04:57 You know, and we got in this, it was incredible. He flew us in his jet. It was incredible. And then he met us at the airport. And he was like, well, there was a driver there that somebody had arranged, but then he was also there to say what's up and to say like, good to see you.

Starting point is 01:05:10 And then we thought, all right, we'll leave him alone. He's like, come in my car. And then we went in his car. Is he like funny, like offstage? He's like a chill dude? Or is he just a chill guy? Or is he just like, you know, there's some comics where like always kind of on

Starting point is 01:05:23 or he's not on. No, no, he's not on, but it's funny. Yeah, he's naturally funny. He's just so like charismatically funny that like the way he converses is so, he's very intelligent. So the way he frames the world is just funny. That's so cool.

Starting point is 01:05:38 He's the guy, dude. Yeah, he's Willy Wonka. To me, that felt like a day. I felt like I was Charlie. That's inspiring. I think, you know, the whole goal of my life, right? And the whole, this whole adventure that I've been on. And it's been quite an adventure.

Starting point is 01:05:53 Yeah, it's crazy. Is, you know, these tiny moments. It's not about like, okay, here we go, adventure. Yeah, wait, wait, wait. Let's get it out first. You get it out first, because I like this. Yeah, it's about every year if something new happens, right, I think that's more important than success. Like, you know, like when we were in that island

Starting point is 01:06:13 and we saw the little Kwakas, and they had a baby Kwaka coming out of the belly. And then, you know, I'm taking a selfie with the Kwaka and I'm like, this is, yeah, yeah. It's a moment that I never planned. It was a surprise. Unexpected adventure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:30 And it was memories. When you build memories, I think that's what the point of life is. I agree. And experiences, and it's like, you know, the Chappelle thing was that, and I think some of the things we experienced with Quakas. Quakas.

Starting point is 01:06:46 Yeah, and also, um. Riding scooters in the park with my bad friend. Yeah, 14,000 seats. 14,000 seats. Sold out. 45,000 in Australia. Sucking in air through an asshole. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:01 Starting it out. Yeah, dude. That's a memory. That's a memory. Australia. that's the whole point of life. I think. Yeah. Don't you think? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:10 Let me do mine. Yeah. Do the music. Yeah. I love that. Beautiful. It's beautiful, dude. At the Sydney airport, I had to go take a shit before our flight.

Starting point is 01:07:24 And we were in a rush and I didn't want to be late to the gate because I had a carry-on bag and I didn't want there to be no bin space. So I quickly got up after taking a shit a little too fast and leaned forward and my penis brushed against the porcelain of the toilet seat. Oh no.

Starting point is 01:07:43 Was your dick getting hard cause of the dookie being too big? That's the problem. You know how your dick gets a little bigger sometimes? That's the problem. When you're taking a shit. I was engaging my sphincter, my dick got a little thicker, I brushed it against the porcelain, stood there for like an honest minute. And now I'm a she.

Starting point is 01:08:09 My kids have two moms now. I cut my penis right off at the Sydney airport. You'll find a little Cheeto in stall four, Sydney airport. He's got a clitter dick. Clitter dick, yeah. Remember I had a meltdown? Do we? Every day. Yeah. No, in New Zealand.

Starting point is 01:08:28 No, going to New Zealand. Oh, yeah. Oh my God, that was a meltdown. You had, it was pretty bad. It was pretty bad. It's farther away than you think it is. I thought I was like- They're fucking endless.

Starting point is 01:08:36 They wouldn't let me on the plane. We went to Perth. They wouldn't let me on the plane. Oh, yeah, we went to Perth, too. No, they don't. We almost didn't let us into the country. Oh, really? Because his passport chewed up on his dog.

Starting point is 01:08:44 Because, because, well, not just his passport, but his dog. His dog. His plane. We went to Perth. They wouldn't let me on the plane. Oh yeah, we went to Perth too. No, we almost didn't let us into the country. Oh really? Because his passport chewed up on his dog. Because, well not just any dog. The greatest dog alive. Yeah, yeah. And so my dog- Snoop Dogg did it.

Starting point is 01:08:55 Yeah, Snoop Dogg chewed on my passport. Hey cuz, give me that passport. So there's a couple of pages with bite marks in it. And we're about to go and they're like, Nah, you can't, you know what I mean, mate, right? And I go, what do you mean? You can't come into the country. They wouldn't let him through the biometrics?

Starting point is 01:09:10 Oh, that happened, yeah. They shut him down. So I just sat there while everyone got on the plane and I was like, I guess, and then I started having a meltdown. He was arguing with you. You were alone? Did you guys just leave him there?

Starting point is 01:09:20 No, we had a tour. We all had gotten on the plane. Yeah. He was last in the line. No, Carlos had a tour. We all had gotten on the plane. Yeah. He was last in the line. No, Carlos stayed with me. He was yelling, Google me. Yeah, Google me. And he was counting down the minutes

Starting point is 01:09:32 until when he was just gonna go back to LA. He started yelling, five. Really? Five minutes. And then there was like. I embarrassed my friend doing something like that in Vegas. You had a meltdown? Well, no, no, I had a meltdown, but I was like trying to use my status

Starting point is 01:09:44 to get into this restaurant. What restaurant? Which one? It was just in one of the, it was like, I went in Meltdown, but I was like trying to use my status to get into this restaurant. What restaurant? It was just in one of the, it was like the Venetian. I forgot that we just wanted to get food. And there was like, it was like Friday night. And I was just like, let's just go here. And then it was all like young girls who were probably my demographic.

Starting point is 01:09:56 Sure. Yeah. And I was just like, Hey guys, I'm on TikTok. You might've seen me like, you sure you don't want, I like sold this place out. Like, wow. You did that? Yeah, I did that. I love it, I like sold this place out. Wow, you did that? Yeah, I did that. I love it.

Starting point is 01:10:06 And he goes, he goes, bro, that was gross. That was gross. I know when you- Who's your boy? My buddy Chris, we started a comedy together. I like that. He was like, that was gross.

Starting point is 01:10:15 I like that. But then my reps got me in a reservation of Carbone and he goes, that was pretty cool. It worked. He's like, yeah, that was cool. Anyway, sorry to interrupt you. I interrupted you and told my story. No, no, no, no, that's good. But I am the guest, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. cool. Anyway, sorry to interrupt you. I interrupted you and told my story. No, no, no, that's good.

Starting point is 01:10:25 But I am the guest, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should have one-up my story. Yeah. Pretty cool stuff. Yeah, did you end up a car bone? You ended up on Air New Zealand. Yeah, but we ended up getting in there.

Starting point is 01:10:35 Well, you wanna wrap it up then, sweetheart? Yeah. You know what, let's end this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we end this? Wrap up the show with a song. I'd like that. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:45 Bad friends, time to wrap up the show with a song. I'd like that. Yeah. Bad friends, time to wrap up the podcast. I had a good time talking with my best friends. Yeah, Morgan J gonna come back again, right? Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Learned a lot about my friends here.

Starting point is 01:11:04 Yeah. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend. Right, man, that's so good. Yeah. Yeah. Woo. Yeah. Woo.

Starting point is 01:11:25 Yeah. Woo. Yeah, ooh Yeah, ooh Yeah, ooh Yeah

Bad Friends - Paper Airplanes Come & Steal Your Girl

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