Bad Friends - Pregnancy Scare & Texas Lovin'

Episode Date: April 11, 2022

New Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors:  https://www.liquid-iv.com code: BADFRIENDS & https://betterhelp.com/badfriends & http://Mintmobile.com/badfriends & https://www.harrys.com/badfriends YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriends 0:00 Doc at the Comedy Store Party  1:31 Bad Friends Goes to Texas 6:45 Something Very, Very Important 18:15 Cute Aliens Use Drakkar Noir 23:01 The Things You Never Knew 28:26 Last Night At The Comedy Store 36:14 What Pauly Shore Did to Andrew 44:37 Bobby's  Austin Needs and Docs's Unwanted Peformance 1:07:05 The Gucci Boys  More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andres Rosende & Pete Forthun This podcast episode was sponsored by Candy Crush Sponsorships: on for this episode Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Anchor. If you haven't heard about anchor,

it's the easiest way to make a podcast. It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh please. It's free. Awesome, that's cool. There are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer. You can do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god.

On the bus or the subway you can do it. Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcast, and many many many many many many more. You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership.

It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. Deep in the heart of Texas. Deep in the heart of Texas. You know the whole song?

Please don't shoot me. The stars shine bright. Big at night. Deep in the heart of Texas. Deep in the heart of Texas. Bro, I'm telling you right now. That 50th anniversary comedy story. It was good to see you last night by the way.

It was really fun. Well, he couldn't have been there. He was in the parking lot. Oh, yeah. He was there because I took a photo with him. Did you go? Yeah, you were. I took a photo with you last night, man.

You did? Let me see this photo, Bob. What? You're Willie Tyler, Bob. Look at that. Doc is there. It's a story. What's up, Willie Tyler? You didn't say anything.

You looked like that magical black look that you have. I didn't even say anything to Bobby. You know Bobby so well. Why were you sitting on his lap? That was the weird part. I tell you something, Doc. You came in here, Doc, the first thing you said when you weren't here, you go, Man, I got to lose some weight.

You know, I'm fat. This picture, you look so thin. Yeah, overnight. What happened last night? Man, it was good to see you last night, man. It was really a pleasure. It was good to see you last week. And I'm excited.

We're going to be in Austin. And we're going to be in Dallas. And I've got Blackbark. That's a hat for Blackbark. Little hat for Blackbark over there. Oh, hats, man. Goddamn, I love hats. And I got one for Doc Willis. There you go, Doc.

And I got a gun here. No, no, no. And Rudy Jules, look at that. You got a little jewel. But don't keep doing it. Don't try. And then look, Andre has. Oh, too blackbark. You're not going to be able to wear the headphones on the top of that.

Well, I'm keeping my hat on. I like it. Why? You don't want to be Blackbark? I like headphones, man. All right, put on the headphones then. I think we look good in our cowboy hats. Hi, Rude. Hi, Sandra. How's it going? I'm good. You feel good? Yeah.

Rudy's never been to Texas. Really? Wait, what states have you been in in the United States? Um, just here. You've been only to California. Really? You know how why is it part of the...

Oh, yeah, Hawaii. So you went to Hawaii here, New York, never? Never. I want to go to New York. Let's take her to New York. You went to Washington. Oh, yeah. Wait a minute, didn't you go to another place together? Did you go to Arizona with him?

No. That was just you and your brother? Yeah, yeah. So you've only been to Hawaii, Washington, California. Let's name off the places that you want to go to, because we can make it happen. We can make it happen. We're going to go to Texas this week. What's something to do in Texas?

Oh, got a lot. There's a lot to do. There's a lot. You can ride Google trees. Can we go to Strip Club? You want to go to Strip Club? Yeah. Should we go to Titty Bar in Austin? Yeah. Wait, why couldn't we go? We could take her to a booby bar.

No, but it's a... Look at that. We can go to Palazzo Gentlemen's Club. Oh, the Bear Cabaret in Austin. I heard that's a good one. Yeah. Look at the review for the Bear. Look at what it says. Go up. Felt like a nightclub with a cool vibe rather than a Strip Club. I like cool vibes. I love nightclubs, so that's cool.

And then Ecstasy Cabaret Austin says, sucks to say it, but Ecstasy is a slumb bag Strip Joint now. That's the one I wanted to hear. That's where we want to go. Texas was a place where I would purposely, back in the day, when I was single, would want to go to at least Dallas and Houston

because I used to go to a place called Treasures. That's in Dallas, right? In Houston. And there was a place in Dallas called Baby Dolls. Oh, Baby Dolls. I love it. Are there little tiny dolls in the room? Yes, it's an American Girl story. I love American Girls.

Baby Dolls, grab a drink with the 60's saloon ladies. Check out our new kitchen. Daily Buffet Friday. Dude, you know that's the best part about Strip Clubs. People go just for the food. They're known to have the best food. Roast beef. The best roast beef during the day.

And ham. Big ham. But why do you want to eat when there's like women? What do you mean? What do you want to eat when there's women? You're a woman. I eat in front of you. Yeah, all the time. We've been to Jersey Mike's together. Right?

Why would it be weird to eat at a Strip Club? Why do you think that's strange? Like being full and like... No, they, the girls can't eat. No, you don't feed them. You don't feed them. It's not a zoo. No, you don't. It's not a petting zoo, like throwing meat at them.

She thinks you like turn a dial. A piece of chicken falls out, you just throw it at them. Yeah, yeah. The reason why we eat at Strip Club, is because we're eating like a fish, right? It depends on what kind of vagina it is. Sometimes it's, two fishes don't make a good meal. That's exactly right.

Right, so sometimes like you'll have a fish and you look at the vagina and it's like, it's got like a, a nutty, you know what I mean? A nutty, you know what I mean? Deep nutty, you know what I mean? We didn't really know how to explain more. Explain more? No, it's got an oaky.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nutty, oaky. How are the tannins? The tannins are beautiful. And it's like sometimes you use cheese, sometimes they have the cheese. Lot of cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we're going to take you to Strip Club. Not drinking today, huh, Doc?

Well, you know, I'll tell you. Yeah, tell me. You know, you just got a rehab, right? So I was saying to myself, you are. Well, he's being mindful. Well, I just felt like I was putting pressure on you coming in and drinking. That's why he was getting on me.

He was a dick. He was a drunk on dick. Your dick, I had a problem with. So it didn't bother you at all when I was drinking? No, do you have some in your bag? You got damn right. You got to be fucking kidding me. I don't even care about you though.

If you were smoking weed in here, it'd be a little weird. That'd be weird. Yeah, yeah, but drink up. Pour up, Doc. I just wanted to get some validation. All right, so I need to tell Bobby this while you get your flask on. This morning, I want to read it to you. Tell me this doesn't sound a little distressed, okay?

From who? From black magic. You taped that shit? No, no, no, Doug, Doug, the text message you sent me. Here, listen to this. Hey, Tino, are you available to talk anytime soon? Because I need to tell you something very, very, two varies, important.

I'm going to work lunch break right now until 11.30, then I'm back at work at 3.30. I need to talk to you something very, very important. Was that yesterday or today? This morning. So immediately, my brain goes to, is Doc okay? Did something happen? Right? Tell him what you told me. I call him immediately, I go, Doc, are you all right?

First thing's out of my mouth. Doc, are you okay? What'd you say? I told him, well, look, man, I was telling him that I read some UFO shit. So, you know. He's on some UFO shit. You sent me this? Yes, that's it. What did I say?

It says, you might be an alien baby Bobby. Oh, that's it? There you go, which is fucking rude. Don't ever call me baby Bobby again. Hey, baby Bobby, new nickname. Baby Bobby. All right. UFOs left radiation burns and unaccounted,

unaccounted for pregnancies, new Pentagon report claims. Yeah. The Pentagon report claim. We'll show the article. You and my brother should get together. Yeah. Dude, he's at work on his fucking lunch break telling me about these articles.

You're panicked? Yeah. Because I was going on and I was trying to see what the news, different news sightings was talking about, right? Yeah. So, I went on YouTube and then so... You know there's a war in Ukraine. Anyway, okay. I hear on Earth, Bobby.

He's fucking about to go down. Hey, man, hold up, something is popping off. So, when I watched the news clippings, they didn't mention the pregnancies. But they mentioned the radiation burns. The radiation burns. One of the two was mentioned. Yeah. So, I said, what the fuck?

So, I go in and under the comments, somebody asked, where can you get the paperwork? So, I was like, oh fuck, let me show them where they can get the paperwork. So, the website to the defense intelligence. So, he goes on DIA. He goes on the defense intelligence agency website. I go to the website.

And I copy paste it and I put it under the comments. So, I say, okay, I want you for somebody to respond. And then they deletes it. This is on a what? You posted this on Facebook? Yup, under the Fox San Francisco station. That's where they showed it. Right? So, they deleted it. Which is where I get, honestly, that's where I get all my news.

For real? All my news. This is the article. I thought I was connected with you. So, this guy sees the article about the pregnancies, the uncountable pregnancies. They disappear from the defense intelligence agency's website. It's gone. We have this link.

Look, this was the link for the DIA. You scroll down. It used to say it right at the bottom. I have a theory. And I said, well, to him, I go, that's crazy, Doc. Are you okay? Honestly, I was like, are you okay?

Because he called. I'm thinking he's on spice. He's freaking out at work about aliens. I'm like, he's smoking something. So, the initial text was, I have something very, very important. Very, very important. Two varies. I started on a thing, so I didn't want to get in trouble.

But that text reads like, hey, man, something happened. Oh, personally. If I said Rudy, something's very, very important. What's going on? Very, very important is this. I have cancer. That's very, very important. Very important is I got in a car accident.

Or you killed someone. Very, very, very. That's three varies. That's two varies. I have very, very, very. Andres, he texted me, something's very, very, very important. I know he's dismembered somebody.

He needs me to hide the bodies. Killing someone is fine. But dismembering, that's very, very, very important. So, that's the very, very important. So, that's number one. So, don't do that again. I didn't know I worried you. But I was scared anymore.

You worried me. And you were also in a panic on the phone call. And they're hiding it from us. And I don't know what they were hiding, but man, they came down on the website. And I was like, Doc, who's hiding what from you? He's like, the pregnancies, Tino, are gone. Okay.

Give me a theory. No, I think he's fucking out of his mind. Number one, you're out of your mind. Don't do this. You know what you are? You're very, very, very out of your mind. DIA says, sorry, no search result for pregnancy. No, no, do it.

I'm working for the government. For that website. I bring my cousin Larry because he's in town. Cousin Larry, he just happens to be another magic black. A black magic guy. He drinks the wine. I go to the bathroom.

My crazy cousin Larry is on the website and will take this out. They get pregnant too, man. You know what I mean? That's what orientals are or whatever it is. He comes back and goes, what the fuck? What the fuck? Meanwhile, Fox is reading what can do in the article now.

They read it. He deletes it. That's why you see that. That can be one theory. Give me another theory. I think another theory could have been that you yourself are now being tracked and honed by the government. And your phone is now the most tapped phone

in this room. Bobby's been tapped a bunch. I got tapped and you know old got tapped a few times. Here's another theory I have. I've been suspecting this for a very long time and this is true, dude. You could be...

For me... You could be an alien. I'm bringing it to other people's attention. I'm trying to hide it from... You know what I mean? It's like a switch and bait. It's a bait and switch. It works both ways.

It's a bait and switch and bait. Can I tell you something? Doc is on the show and they'll go, oh, the alien. You always say, yeah. I say, are you talking about fancy? And they go, no, fancy is a citizen now. No longer an alien.

Look, there are black people and aliens. Here's the reason why. Go to the first one. No, listen. You put glasses on that thing. I don't know. That looks pretty close. Look at that.

Doc, right? I bet you money, that guy is a gay uncle. All right. I bet you. The third one looked like you a little bit, Bobby. Oh, here we go. Can I tell you something? Fihiman war.

More Fihiman war than me, all right? And who does that look like? I don't know. Looks like a fighter in the kit fan. Right? Yeah, he's big in the kit. He's got a shot fucking tattoo on his ankle. I got to tell you something.

I think you might be misleading us. You're projecting because you have something to do with all this bullshit. Man, I'm just a guy out here trying to live and find this shit out. That's what a fucking alien would say. It sounds like a pre-recorded message. Let's listen to him closely say a sentence to us.

Knock you a sentence. Let's see if it sounds like a human or an alien is saying it. Right. Oh, I've got to go to the bank today and make a couple of deposits. Then I've got to go to the store. Oh, I've got to go to the bank today. See?

That was a reptilian. That was a reptilian talker. Fucking throbbing it up. Holy shit. You're a fucking alien. That was a reptilian, dude. Yeah. What the fuck?

Did you see his eyes flip up? Double eyelids. He fucking set me up, dude. He's gone. Let's get the alien one more chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's give a new sentence. Some people are asymptomatic from COVID

and yet they don't get tested. Some people are asymptomatic with COVID and they don't get tested. Joe, what's up? At the end. At the end. I'm just telling you,

do you feel like he has an alien presence at all? When he said the first sentence, he did something with his mouth. Lizard. He's a lizard person. Because lizard people are real. You know about lizard people, don't you? Our government is entirely made up of lizard people

without a doubt. Who do you think is the only person that's famous not a lizard? Who is or isn't? No, there are people that aren't. I don't think Sally Fields is. Not in government. Oh, sorry.

Our government Hollywood. Which Hollywood actors are lizards? I don't know. I'm just trying to think. I'll tell you who's not. Government or Hollywood? Either or. Is Barack Obama a lizard?

Yeah, definitely. Is Trump? No. He's not a lizard person. Yeah, because he doesn't know much. Yeah, he's too human. He doesn't know anything. Is Hillary Clinton? Oh yeah. Is Bill? Oh yeah, look at him.

He's a funky lizard. He doesn't even hide anymore. He's one of those lizards that can change colors when he goes into a new area. Yeah, his skin keeps changing. And lizards love to play the saxophone. That's an alien life form that came down and inhabited our bodies.

There's a planet of lizards. Of lizard people. And look at this. There's Barack Obama. They call it shapeshifters. And they can occupy bodies. There's an arachnid kind of an alien species. They're the big whites. Tall whites that we were talking about.

Tall whites, little greys. Let me ask you something. Can you be completely honest with me, Doc? Yeah, fuck yeah, shoot. Shoot. Do you really believe in it? Hell yeah. So you believe that

you believe that Hillary Clinton is a lizard person? But you believe that aliens... I like collecting information. You believe that aliens... You're gonna fit right in in Texas. You believe that aliens impregnated people on this planet?

Oh, I don't know about that. You don't believe it? It's possible, yeah. Let me ask you this. Do aliens have penises? And what do they look like? I think some of them look like us. You think their penises are like ours? Yep, just regular little cocks.

Really, so you think the lizard guy has a white, regular dick? Could be, Doc. Everybody got a dick, a turtle, a fucking whale. You don't think they'd be most similar to a lizard's dick? They got dicks. Whatever it looks like, they got dicks. Maybe aliens have two or three... They may have multiple dicks. She's watching too much anime.

The Ron guy. Maybe they're like octopuses. They have dicks on every arm. So they fuck me every night so I could be... She's like, they hug me and fight me. Are they hugging me and rubbing my hair? How many dicks do you think aliens have, Rudy? Maybe three.

Three. You think three is the lucky number? Are they for different things? Is one for sex, one for peeing, and one for... Beer. Beer? You drink from your penis. Yeah, maybe. If you saw a cute alien, he's your age, right?

He's got hairy styles, but he also looks like a, you know, a chameleon. Yeah. He's got some scaly things on his face. His nose might be up a little bit. Yeah, there might just be two holes as noses, like a snake or whatever. But he's got a beautiful hairy...

He's like, am I a dick? It's like hairy styles or whatever. Is he smelly? Well, he has dracar on. Yeah, a dracar noir. Yeah, and cool water. He mixes them. You probably still fucking use those a lot. Which one do you have?

I've got Fahrenheit, Dracar. Do you even know what these are? These colognes? She has no idea. Dracar noir might be the most... Fahrenheit, by the way. Fahrenheit is... But it was only for black people. I don't even know why people could buy it.

I don't know why people could buy it. They told me no. It's like Newport cigarettes. You can't buy it. I can't buy Hennessy. They give you a look every time you try to buy it. That's what Doc adorns his body. Fahrenheit by Dior.

That's sexy, dude. But Dracar was the first... When I was in high school and also cool water... Cool water was the... were the first colognes that I bought. There it is. Dracar noir, all the way to the right. Dracar noir.

And then cool water took that out. Should we buy this for... Let's get a Dracar from the studio. Do you wear perfume, Rudy? What do you wear? The DKNY. There it is. Wow. No chance.

You can get that CVS. No, no, that's photo. Go up, go up. Oh, that's photo. That's even cheaper. You can get that CVS, but they don't even lock that one up. You know how some colognes they lock up? That one is just free.

It's that one to check out with candy and gum. Liquid IV. G golly G. I love liquid IV, man. Good golly gosh, I love liquid IV. One stick of liquid IV hydration multiplier. In 16 ounces of water, hydrate you two times faster and more efficiently than water alone.

When you push your body too hard. I do. I know you do. Or just feel run down. I'm always run down. It's extremely important to stay hydrated. Making hydration a priority helps us feel better on a day-to-day basis. One stick of liquid IV hydration multiplier. In six ounces of water,

hydrate you two times faster and more efficiently than water alone. That's amazing. I love it. That sounds like I said that, but I love that. Liquid IV hydration. It's important. That's why I had to reiterate. Well, it is very important. Let me tell you something else. Water is boring.

We all know it. And let me tell you. Watermelon, lemon, lime, strawberry, peña colada, which happened to be my new favorite that they've sent me. And I love putting this stuff in my water bottle. And guess what's in it? What? It contains five essential vitamins. Five. Okay. That's one.

B3, B5, B6, B12 and vitamin C. You know I love vitamin C. I love the C. That song graduation was so good. It's made with three times the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks. And it also is made with premium ingredients, non-GMO, free from gluten, dairy, and soy.

So, Bob, tell them how they can get it. Grab Liquid IV in bulk, nationwide, at Costco. Or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code badfriends at checkout. That's 25% off anything when you order and use the promo code badfriends at liquidiv.com.

Experience better hydration today at liquidiv.com. Promo code. Bad friends. Better health. Oh, I love this. People don't realize, Bob, that physical symptoms like headaches, teeth grinding and even digestive issues, which I have often. You know, one time I didn't poop for three days. That's an indicator of stress.

It's because of stress, dude. But, you know, it helps. Better help. It does. You know, for me, especially during the pandemic, right, I needed somebody to talk to a professional. I went to Better Help. And I love it. Stress shows up in all kinds of ways, Andrew. It does. And in a world

that's telling you to do more, sleep less and grind all the time, here's your reminder to take care of yourself. Do less. Maybe try some therapy. And this really works. Better Help is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera

if you don't want to. Yeah, it's much more affordable than in-person therapy. Give it a try. See if online therapy can help your stress. And this podcast is sponsored by Better Help. Bad friends listening to get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com. Bad friends. Bad friends. Bad friends. I like that.

You know what I saw one of those things today? It does that you never knew this on the internet. I was this days old when I learned blah, blah, blah. They did this thing where they popped a bag of popcorn. And you know how like there's a little slit at the top that opens up? And she goes,

don't empty out the popcorn when the bag is full. Flip it upside down. That's for all the seeds to come out. So then you don't have seeds in the bag anymore. Oh. What they call life hacks. Life hacks. Yeah, they're life hacks. But also I like the fucking seeds because I eat the half pops. Don't you eat the half pops? Yeah.

You don't eat the half pop popcorn? No. I love the half pop. They're so good. Like it's like burnt rice. I love burnt rice. I love burnt rice. Yeah, yeah. I do too. When it's crispy. When I get I make sure they on the bottom so the bottom layer is burnt. Like a stone pot, right? And then when you

when it comes, the bibimbap comes, I don't even fuck with it right away, bro. Let it sit. Let it sit, dog. And then once I know that it's sizzly and fucking crisp, I go to the bottom and I'll scoop up the bottom and put it to the top. And then so all the crispiness is in there.

I want some bibimbap right now. You guys don't need to have half pop popcorn. He's never had Korean food. You know that. How the fuck have we never had? We have to take it. We already talked about it. Yeah. We had wasabi. Wasabi. I remember. That's right. But the other life hack that blew my fucking mind. What?

That annoys me. I wish we had it here to show you. Yeah. On the bottom of salt and pepper shakers. Okay. Every salt and pepper shaker you know, standard round ones, they're rivets. There's a ton of rivets on the bottom. What do you think the rivets on the bottom are for? The whole bottom is ribbed. It's riveted. What do you think it's for?

Guess. This is going to blow your mind. When people at home are going to listen to this, they're going to try it. I don't know what's wrong. Okay. So usually you just flip it over and shake it out. If you flip one of them over, but leave the other one right side up and make them go bottom to bottom, you rub the rivets together and it evenly shakes out the salt and pepper.

That's literally what it's for. What? Who cares? Why would you care? I just learned it. I know, but I mentioned doing that. I'm not doing that. No, you just flip one upside down and you're not flipping shit.

It's like your grinder. It's like one of your grinders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except it's just you do it. Yeah, I won't do that ever. You will never flip one upside down and do it? No, because I don't, first of all, never use salt and pepper in any of my food. Do you?

You don't use salt in your food? Korean food has so much salt in it. Yeah, they put it in there initially first. I like adding it. I want to add salt. I add salt. Yeah, but I don't fuck with it. What? He doesn't go to fucking Denny's.

You think I go to Denny's? He won't go to places like that. Where do you go to Denny's? I go to Denny's whenever I can. Shit, if it's available, I'm there. I go to the place where you go when everything else is closed. That's right.

Those are late night, like when you're on the road and it's two in the morning after your second show, and they're like Waffle House or Denny's, those are the only options I go. But I would never go during the day. Now you're being diminutive. What if this is his favorite meal? It's not.

Moon's over Miami is the best thing to do. Moon's over Miami is really good. I fucks with that. You never got it for lunch? No. It's only when I'm like drunk or late at night or everything's closed. I've never had Denny's sober.

Yeah. Or conscious. I've zombied my way into Denny's and sloughed it in my face. I hit my head on cement and then gone in there accidentally. Is this a Morton's or whatever? My eye from the concussion was just wandering around the venue.

You blow my mind though. You never? No, but what does that mean? What if Chicago, they're everywhere? There's like 6,000 locations. I'm like, that's a Midwestern. Chicago and LA, that's all there is. But Midwestern is, we fucks with Denny's like.

Yeah, but in the Midwest, dude, we have so many mom and pop shops that are open late. There's so many like shitty little diners that are open late. I love those, by the way. Shitty little diners? Yeah, I'd rather go there. You want a good breakfast, bro? What's up, Nina?

Lucky boy. You go there, dude. You get a breakfast burrito with bacon. You get a little sutter ranch and some hot sauce with it. There's nothing better. Is that your favorite breakfast burrito? There's one also in Burbank,

but you never know when it's open. It's called the Corner Cottage. I know Corner Cottage, yeah. You in there? Yeah. You don't fuck with any of those? The one I fuck with is Benito's Tacos Zone. Benito's Tacos?

On Pico? Well, they got one on Pico and they got one on Beverly. Do you know those commercials? This made me angry, but... Why? Because it's like, is it good? Let me... Let's be honest with you.

I'm not talking to this guy. He thinks Denny's is a fucking maestro. Here you go. No. No, it's good. I'm going to tell you something. He's got Benito's ground up in that correct... That's not even lying.

That's blended Benito's Tacos. Danny Lucas is going to be pissed off at y'all because he's the one who recommended it to me. Danny Lucas did? So he's going to be mad at us? That's where I go to all my restaurant recommendations. By the way, last night at the Comedy Star 50...

Can we talk about it a little bit? I need that... Why can't I think of his fucking name now? The guy that you show in the Thai place on Santa Monica in West Hollywood? Kirk. Oh, it was Kirk. I'm glad you brought his name up. Because he said something to me last night

that triggered me so hard I almost went insane. What? Let's just a little backstory. Do you remember Kirk? No, the Chinese manager used... Is that his name? I think I had it in the late 90s.

The conversation wasn't doing well. So Mitzi decided I'm bringing back my Thai contingency. So in the fucking 70's I guess a bunch of Thai people work there. Apparently the whole kitchen was all Thai.

So this dude I guess he was in the military or something? If you're a minute late, you're fired. I mean, this is a comedy club. You're supposed to stand right there. I told you to stand right there. You know what I mean? He's like that kind of guy. But this is what this fool used to do.

I used to knock at spots. So because I kind of played my Asian angle like, come on man, we're both, you know what I mean? So then what he would do is he would just walk up to me as a doorman. He would go, you want to go up tonight? And I'd be like, yeah.

You get prime spot. And he would just put me up. In a good spot. You get a good spot. Was one on the list or anything like that. That's good. He used to piss people off. So I haven't seen this fool in 25 years, right? Yeah. So I met the fucking party last time. I'm about to leave and I see him.

And he's kind of swaggering toward me. Because, hey, I remember you. And I go, oh, what's up? Because how come everybody here billion and millionaire, everybody killing, you know, don't go very good? You lose. What do you mean?

Because you got nothing. Because I was dressed the way I was. Yeah, he thinks you're poor. Yeah, I'm poor because of the way I was dressed, right? You got nothing ever happened to you. Right? And like a fucking asshole I got. That's one of my triggers, right?

Oh, yeah. And I go, it's not why I have this house and this car. You know what I mean? I'm like a fucking moron trying to convince him. Too deal. I'm trying to like fucking convince him, I know.

And you wore fucking street, a Metallica shirt. Everybody wore suits. I was wearing a dress shirt and dress slacks because a jacket was insane. It was too hot. This guy showed up wearing what you saw in that picture with little black magic. Yeah, yeah. There I am with me and Sickler.

I love that guy. Really funny. Great guy. Look at Matt having a night. Look at Matt having a little night. I'll just tell you what the party was, right? When I showed up, I'm like, I realized right off the bat that this is going to be a clusterfuck

because you have, you know, the guys that normally play there now, like the Jazzalnex, the Leslie Jones, right? But then you also have everyone from the past. Yeah. And I mean the past.

He's still alive? There were guys that had the walking with a bag, you know, like the drip, like the dude. They were walking through the hallway. It was so fucking weird to see guys so old. Right. So there was a lot of like, and there was a lot of like,

we can't go down that way because I cannot run into that guy. Yeah, no. But then there are other people looking at me like, you know what I mean? I can't run into him, right? So it's just a bunch of people avoiding each other, right? And it's like a lot of thirst that you could feel a lot of thirst. And I did make fun of there was a lot of agents and managers

who snuck around and that's fine. So this is our night. It's for comics. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like this is our little jazz night, little get together. And they had Buddy, the band, Mitzi's favorite band, Buddy Rich. Iconic. And I first arrived there.

Tom Driessen, who's a legend. You know Tom, don't you? Tom comes up to me and he goes, you got to go inside and see what the hell is going on. Good impression. Good impression. You got to go inside and see the Buddy Rich band.

It's so good. And I said, oh, the Buddy Rich band is in there. And I go, who is it? It's all the remaining members of all the band. So look, it's like the 10 remaining members were there. And he goes, he toured. This is a great, I mean, fucking Tom Driessen. If you are a comedy fan, buy his fucking book

and read about his stories of him and Sinatra. It's insane. He was a kid when he toured with Sinatra. Him, Sinatra and Buddy Rich and Buddy Rich hated that it went Buddy Driessen, Sinatra. And so he goes, why the fuck is the kid? Why the fuck does the kid get to go before you? It should go the kid, me, then you.

Oh, wow. Right in front of him. Tom's sitting there. Tom's uncomfortable and he's young. And he goes, well, I'll go wherever. And Frank goes, no, no, no. You can't do comedy music, music. It's got to go music, comedy, music. It's got to break it up.

So apparently he hated him. He didn't like him or he not hated him, but he had a trouble with Tom. He had a lot of trouble with a lot of people. He was apparently this guy, and I don't know the name, it's like an old lounge act or something, used to call Buddy's house, like often. And would go, hey, is Buddy there?

And his wife would answer and go, no, and I'm sorry to tell you this, but Buddy's dead. And he would go, no, I know, I just like to hear you say it. And then hang up the phone. That's hilarious. And Tom goes, this guy would do this all the time because he fucking hated the guy.

He just wanted to hear his wife say, that is really funny. But the band played last night and they were fucking awesome. Don't give me shit, dude. This is what happened. Peter Shore goes up, does that speech? Yeah, they do a little speech. Then the mayor comes out or whatever.

The mayor of comedy, what was that? I don't know, but I didn't hear a word. People were booing. You can't have a room full of comics not talking shit when someone's trying to talk. It was impossible. Everyone just stood up and left the fucking room. I stayed. How long?

Five seconds. No one stayed for that. I wanted to hear a little bit of the jazz. Just a little bit of the jazz. But they were doing good. Who did you see last night that made you feel good? Matt Nose, shout out to Matt Nose. I haven't seen him in a long time.

Dude, I haven't seen him in fucking years. And we sat and we chatted and that dude was such a good guy, a good egg, a funny comedian. I saw him and we chatted outside for like Oh, he's funny. For 20 minutes. A lot of funny guys we come across. Not a lot of like solid dudes.

I know if I called him and if I was like, hey man, I'm in a bad way. He would help me out and we don't even talk anymore. But older guys though. Steve Middleman. Yeah, Middleman was there. I don't know him. Do you know who he is?

Do you ever see the movie Roxanne? Steve Martin. Yeah, he was in the movie. You've seen this guy. You've seen him a million times. When I saw him, I gave him and when I literally, I'm not kidding you, I hugged him and my

ear was against his chest because he's tall. His bones broke? I didn't hear a heartbeat. I literally heard no heartbeat. It was just my heart. I'll tell you what though. Last night I pulled up and we parked and as hotel

and Polly from the balcony sees me. I'm talking to Sandy Danto and Josh Martin and Brenton. Biddlecomb. I'm just miles to the diarrhea. And then Polly's standing on his balcony and he goes, who is that?

Who else looks like me? Who the fuck else looks like me? I go, it's Santino. And he goes, I know. He's weird. I was like, is there a bit to me? So then I go, hey Polly.

And he goes, cool. And I pulled my car and then I waited because they were all walking down because I didn't want to walk with them. So I waited in my car for like six minutes because I was uncomfortable. I was like, what was that? But there was also a David Lynch like element to last night. Because you should be talking to somebody else.

You see Tanya Lee Davis in her little moped. She loves us. And she's speaking backwards. It's just weird with a weird night. It was a creepy night. Tanya Lee Davis is very funny by the way. But it was a weird fun. It's if you spin a record.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was weird. Why didn't you go? You worked there forever. I didn't feel like it. You know why he has so much resentment to that place? Not the place. I love the comics and everybody. It would have been a hit there, dude.

Well, to be honest with y'all, they invited me. Bob Willie even contacted me. I'm like, nah, I'm not coming. Why didn't you go for real? Because it's after what happened with Peter and Paulie there with me. For me, I was like, nah, I can't deal with them. But they're fine now. And they were barely there.

No, no, no, no. It's more than that. It's too long to talk about. Well, we have a whole podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, the whole like when the shooting happened, right? Remember when I went down? I was there. I was there that night. You was there on the patio?

I wasn't near the shooter. I was at the club that night that that guy got shot. Were you not there? I wasn't there. And I had left. I was there that night. I wasn't anywhere near it. I was inside the fucking main room. Did you see the body? No, I wasn't there. Oh, you weren't there? I wasn't there. But they had a meeting about it.

Shot him in the chest, right? A guy just walked up and shot a guy in the fucking chest. Yeah, and then Josh Nassar held the guy's body or something. What? Did we ask him what it felt like? No, no. I think I asked him, I go, well, you must have some PTSD from it.

I mean, that's traumatic, right? Not at all. No, not really. I mean, for me, I just know that if I was there that night, it would have really because I'm so sensitive to murder. Murder tends to be the thing that sets you off. Yeah, I just get a little too sensitive to murder. You know, you're very, very sensitive to murder.

A very, very, very sensitive to murder. Yeah, yeah, for me, yeah, yeah. I get that. Jules, if you saw somebody shot and dying, would that scar you? I think so. I highly doubt it. With her? Yeah, yeah, she's not. I bet you we could show you a dead body. I'd be traumatized. Really, though?

Don't you like that stuff? I like it, but then... Would you want to touch it? Yeah, you want to feel it. Have you ever touched a dead body? No. I don't want to try. See, it's not like Magic Mountain. All right, man. What?

What's been going on with you? I like these Batman socks. Those are cool. What's been going on? Nothing. Did you know where she's been doing? She has this... And you know I've mentioned this earlier. She has a smile and a mischievous grin.

Yeah, it's been going on a little bit. Yeah, that she's up to something and I can't get to the bottom of it. What are you up to? I told you to why I'm not going anywhere. I'm just staying at home. I'm not doing anything. Yeah, but what's online, though? You're up to no good on the computer and the phone and the iPad and stuff.

Nothing. Let me see your search history. No. See, you won't surrender it because you're not even looking at dirty stuff. No, I'm not. Now, when you said that you wanted to go to the strip club, are you interested in women? No, but I want to see boobs.

You do like boobs? Yeah. Everybody likes a good boobs. I thought you won. Yeah. Alright, maybe we'll have to buy her a dance. Mint Mobile! I love Ryan Reynolds.

He's such a babe. He's a hottie. If saving more and spending less is one of your top goals of 2022, Andrew? It is. Why are you still paying insane amounts of money every month for wireless? Well, I've heard switching to Mint Mobile is the easiest way to save this year. As the first company to sell premium wireless service online only. Wow.

Mint Mobile lets you maximize your savings with plans starting at just $15 a month. Oh, my God. For people looking for extra savings this year, Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for just $15 a month. What do you pay for your cell phone right now? Hundreds. Hundreds? We need to switch to Mint Mobile. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan

and keep your same phone number along with your existing contacts. I mean, come on. Mint Mobile, choose the amount of monthly data that's right for you. All plans come with an unlimited talk and high-speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. That's incredible. Switch to Mint Mobile. Get the service starting at just $15 a month.

Get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free. Go to mintmobile.com slash badfriends. That's mintmobile.com slash badfriends. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash badfriends. Harry's. Oh, my Lord. I'm Harry. You are Harry.

And the thing is, I have a mustache. You mustache. I have hair on my body. And when I use grooming supplies, I always use Harry's. Harry's is my favorite. It's my favorite razor because it's got a weighted handle, much like in people that know that if they shave, I don't shave my focce, but I shave my back and my shoulders. Yeah, I'll say it. Sometimes I shave my legs

and my toes. You've got to get the starter kit. Why? What's in it? A lot of good things. Tell me what's in it. A razor, a trimmer, right? And foamy shave. Oh, that's nice. First time Harry's customers can redeem a starter set for just $3 at harrys.com slash badfriends. $3, you get everything you need for a great shave

and nothing but that. Harry's blades hold up better than ever. Guys who have tried it say their eighth shave is as sharp as their first. Yeah, that's good. Rudy loves sharp stuff. Maybe we should get her some. They're still offering a no risk trial and you don't like to shave? No worries. It's on them. Harry's has the highest customer satisfaction

in the shaving industry and they're still offering a no risk risk trial. Don't like to shave? No worries. It's on them. It's on them, dude. New looks, same incredible offer. There's really never been a better time to give Harry's a try. Just go to harrys.com slash badfriends today to get your starter set for just $3.

That's harry.com slash badfriends. harrys.com slash badfriends. I also, they called me about what we want on stage and I don't know why I'm responsible for that but I told them. Because everybody else does everything all the time so they want you to do one thing. Right, so I said we want chairs.

Pretty fair. Yeah, yeah. Good start. I said I want chairs. I said I want sugar free Red Bull. Good start. Right. Water. Smart. Do you need that? Here's the third thing that I said that was smart. A monitor. Oh, thank God. A monitor. But I said

four mics. Four mics. Yeah. We're going to have guests come and go. So it's going to be one, two, it's going to be me, me, you, Rudy. Doc unfortunately can't go because of Texas laws. I don't make them. You can't get on the rides. You can't get on the plane.

Yeah. But we could put you in the storage compartment above. Maybe if we can make a big enough paper plane we can put you on it and throw it up. I don't do strip clubs though, so I don't want to go. Wait, you don't do titty bars ever? I do, but I got robbed from my

Vino in Vegas, so I don't. Here's the story. I went to Cheetahs in Vegas, right? Yeah. So my goal was to go in the strip club and not get no lap dance. That was my goal. I just want to look a little bit, right? So every chick kept coming up to me and asking me to dance. You know, get the fuck out.

No, I don't want to dance. Get the fuck out. You got pimples on your ass. Shit like that, right? So now. Are you being nice to them then? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. And it's also, could this say something? What's that? They're human beings. They get pimples. Yeah, you get pimples.

You never had a pimple on your ass. I've had pimples on my ass. I have one right now. And she might didn't have time to put clear cell on her ass, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? She probably has two kids. She's in a busy day, right? Hey man, cut that bitch a break.

Say it again. Say it again. Kick your ass off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't have to kick them with your foot. Look at that little foot. Look at that little foot. And then when he does that, this is what they feel. Beep.

All right, so you push them away. You kick them away. So I don't know. I guess they went in the arsenal. Send the baddest chick you even got. Wait, I'm sorry. Are you King Louis XIV? Who the fuck do you think? Me?

I didn't ask for it. You're not Elon Musk. A black magic is here. Send the baddest bitch out. Yes, little black magic. He's sitting in a chair. You can't miss it. His feet aren't touching the ground. He's kicking his little legs around.

He's asked for Shirley temples all night to bring him the baddest bitch we've got on the floor. Anyway. So they sent me the baddest bitch. Asian woman. I was like, fuck yeah. So she's like, oh, okay. So she's dancing on me and then she's kissing and licking.

I'm like, oh man, this chick is nice. And then she goes, I like brothers. I like brothers. What did it sound like? I like brothers. Something like that. It was sexy. Do it one more time.

I like brothers. You got it. You know why I got it? I got it. I got it. So song ends. She says, you know what?

I like you so much. I want to give you another dance. I'm like, okay. How much was it? It was free. She gave me a free lap dance. Exactly. Exactly. So she gets through dancing and she was like, you're so sweet.

And she walks away and I was like, well, you sweet too. Bro, two goddamn drinks. It was $20. They fucking robbed me, bro. That's not robbery, man. You don't think that's robbery? They stole my shit, bro. Bro.

Okay, y'all didn't get gunpoint. You just had them take a drink from you? Yeah, they stole my shit. They beat the robbery in the strip club. Oh, man. You went on my drinks. He's tied up and he's down the tags. Like, take your drink away.

And then when the credits roll down, that's a fucking movie, dude. That's a shit movie. That's not a robbery, dude. So you think this one... I paid $10 to get in. $20 for those two drinks and they took them from me. That's fucking robbery to me. Bro, you got away with murder. You had a free lap dance.

Those are $100. They stole my Vino, bro. Don't you like that? I don't get that. Oh, that's what it is. Oh, man. You got your canister right now. See what I mean? He doesn't want to know that.

I'm not an alcoholic, bro. These PTSD with Asian bitches stealing his wine, that's what this is. I like a brother. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm gonna tell you what I know. Yeah. I know

I need The wine inside of me I like that. That was fucking... That was fucking amazing, dawg. That was fucking in Spanish. Come on, man. You don't feel the soul in that?

You don't feel it. You're getting scary. You're right. You're right. You get a little scary. What do you think that is? There's something deep inside you? Yeah, you know.

I just... Maybe need some therapy a little bit. Well, let's do some right now. Dude, honestly, the way that you're positioned in that chair, it's funny because Rudy looks like she fills out the chair and you look like a little T-Rex in that little chair. A little brown T-Rex in that chair

and his little arms propped up again. Let's do some therapy, dawg. What is causing you the most pain and or sadness right now? And or sadness. Mom's gone. I hate that. My mom is alive.

Are your mom alive? High five. Julie, your mom's alive? Oops. You guys have alive moms? High five. What an asshole segment. All your moms are alive?

High five. Let's be real. We love you. Your mom died. That sucks. That's causing you the most pain and issue. When did she die again? 2017. Four years ago.

That sucks. Cancer. Which one? Does it matter? What do you mean does it matter? You always want to know which one. Is there a special kind that's even cooler? Some of them are neater than others.

Is ovarian cooler than long? I like blood. Blood is cool. It's all over the place. Where's the cancer today? Let's go back to reality. I love you. I'm sorry that your mother is gone.

That is causing you the most... How does this problem typically make you feel? How does losing your mother make you feel day to day? She was with me when I first started comedy. And of course it's your mom. So now it's like I'm taking this journey by myself. But you're not by yourself. You're with us. Yeah, but y'all ain't got it.

You know what I mean? I'm like, mom's at the fucking... How do you want me to cherish you better? I feel like we've done more for you in terms of comedy. Than your mom. What did she do? She laughed. She what?

She laughed at his jokes. Snare up. I laugh at your fucking shit. I laugh at you every time you're in this room. I've never not laughed at you. I've laughed at you every time you come into this room. When you... When you walk in here, I smile.

I didn't know you were coming. They don't tell us. So when I walked in, I'm like, oh, thank god he's here. I love it. I'm reading this off of a sheet because I don't know how to do this. But what makes the problem better? What makes you feel better? When there's a moment that passes about you being sad about losing your mom, what makes you feel better?

For real comedy being around y'all. This makes you feel better? See, what the fuck? I love that. Also, can I... And this is real. I'm not trying to make a joke or anything. It might be a joke. But I just feel like, you know, your heart is closed

a little bit because you don't have a significant other. You know what I mean? And it's like... Do you want love? I think that if you fell in love with somebody, a woman, right? Or a man, it doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah.

Or trans. Or trans person. It could be anybody. Post-op, pre-op. When I said woman, you know what I meant, though. Man. Keep going. So I think that if you, like, you know,

when my dad died, right, it hurt. It was terrible, right? But I do have other people that I love as well, you know what I mean? So, yeah, him and my girlfriend and whatnot, my brother and other things. So... Not Rudy. You know what? Love is a two-way street.

Yeah. And I'm going to say something right now. She doesn't drive that way. Like, every day I go, what are you doing today? How are you? Right? And all these questions and stuff? You never asked me shit. You don't give a fuck. I asked you yesterday if you were negative

from COVID. Yeah, yeah. Because that's selfish. Because you don't want to get sick. Still, I asked you. I guess that counts. So why don't we find you a significant other? We've tried before on the show,

but we didn't take it serious. I don't have a problem not meeting women. You can get laid. You don't even know what I like. Yes, we do. Yes, we do. Your ideal woman. She's got to be alive, right?

Breathing. Breathing. Alive, right? Hair or no hair. Either one. Yeah. And you want breasts in between A and double D. Anywhere. You want two legs, two arms, 10 fingers, 10 toes. Perfect eyesight.

And a massive beefy vagina. Beefy? Like layers? Not layers. No offense to the layers. It's not an armadillo. It's not scales. I'm just saying one beef chunk.

One beef chunk. He's not being kind of sending, you can get laid, Doc. We want to find you love. Someone that you really want to be with. Share yourself with. Because you're a beautiful human and someone is going to want to come home

to you at night. I have to say something, though. I feel bad about this. My family, like my aunts, my great aunt, they a little step above you. Sorry about that. I'll finish.

I will fuck you. Fuck you. Number one, fuck you. Fuck you. That's number one. What the fuck does that mean? So mean. To you, right?

To you, you feel more in love and they're above us. You respect them more than us. There it is. I don't know what their skill sets are. What do they do? Are they hilarious touring comedians? We talk on the phone often.

Like my great aunt, I talk to her every day. I would talk to you every day if you didn't bombard me with videos at night in the morning. You know, man, I'm not good at texting. I don't even like texting. But if you're going to text me, don't make me feel like something happened

and then tell me there's a pregnancy scare with UFOs. Just don't go that route. I was just scared to talk about it on the podcast. No, you could text me and go, what up? How are you? I'll respond, we'll have a chat. But you know what?

What positive changes do you want to make in your life? What are your character defects? Do you have character defects that you want to change? I want to lose weight. Continue. My patience could be a little bit better. Oh, you have road rage? Yeah, man.

No, you know where I have rage in the grocery store where I work at. I just, man, fuck. I'll be mad up in here. The people who bring their dogs in and shit, man, I'll be like, fuck, man. I don't know what the fuck. Dude, they be coming in with goddamn gentleman's sherpas.

I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Gentlemen's shepherds. Oh, gentlemen's shepherds. Those are good breed. I feel like those are the nicest. Which is like a little weird that he would call them gentlemen. I think that it's subliminal and that there's something else

that you're trying to express, but I'll let it go. We'll let it slide. When people bring in dogs, it makes you the most mad. Why? Because they shit pee? Yes, they pee in the fucking... They pee in the fucking middle of the aisle. I said, the dog is pissing. Who cleans it up? At the fucking... One time I was at Kearney's.

Who cleans it up? The janitor. So why do you... Why fuck? Because it's not that. It's when they have them, they have them on a leash and they be in the way while you're trying to shop. It's not like a fucking kid. The kid just walks out the way, but the dog doesn't let me stand in there like this. No one call a dog dumb. The fucking people.

Who had a fucking dog? I'm like, fuck. So why don't you say something? Why don't you go shit? I said, one time I told this lady, I said, get over here, Fido. Get over here. And then she pulls him over to the side, right? And then I get ready to push the cart and the fucking dog went right back across. And I said, lady, your dog's over there.

And she looked back and she said, oh, he did it again. I'm like, ah, bitch, he did it again. Yeah, you're a homicidal maniac. This shit is like, are you fucking kidding? You need help, dude. I am very, very, very worried for you. Very worried for you. Yeah, that woman.

That shit, man. Imagine the woman. It's a dog. They'd be all over and they'd be in the fucking way. Man, y'all don't get it. Do you do that with babies, too? Nah, the babies, I'd be like, cool. You know what I'm saying? The dogs, though, I'd be like, are you fucking...

Like, your dog has no... The dog never knows to move the fuck out the way. That's right. Yeah, well, then don't go to a grocery store in fucking the Philippines. There's chickens all kinds of shit in their way. Oh, really? That is the grocery store. But just...

You know what I mean? I know what you're saying. I know why you're so mad about it. Yeah. Do I get angry shopping? Grocery shopping? All the employees do. So this is a common theme. If you go to the Ralph's on Violin Inventor, they have a dog.

I never go to Ralph's. Everything. Everyone's nice. Of course, we'll go to the Ralph's. We'll go to Ralph's. Okay, so there's a sign when you go there, it says, no dogs unless service dog, please.

So people are not coming in with service dog. They're coming in with just their dogs. Right. Ask for the identification. Say, is that dog a service dog? Do they have to show you? Don't they have a little vest on that I'm a service dog? Yeah, they have to provide something. The law is not allowed to ask.

No, no, you're allowed to ask, but they don't have to prove it. They don't have to prove it. So they can just say yes and keep walking. Yes. Go get your goddamn line. This fucking Chihuahua ain't a service man. It could be. On a scale of 0 to 10, how content are you with your life? I'm about,

be honest with you, I'm about a 10. You're very content. That's great. Aside from the dog thing. That knocks it down a little bit. There's life, no, but life throws you some curve ball. That's cool. Like gay serial killers. We're going back there.

How about this? Do you set positive goals? Have you set goals for your work life, relationships, love and all that stuff? Do you have a vision board? Please tell me you have a vision board. I took it down. We talked about it.

What the fuck is he losing? We're losing our minds. We're interested in trying to get to the core of you, but you're so closed off. Can I tell you something that happened to me at Air One? I want to see if you would get angry at this. Do you know Air One? It's a fancy health food store.

Look at this. It's spelled weird. You've probably seen that sign. It looks like ear horn. So I want to get a peanut butter ball last smoothie. Let's do that again. Maybe I'm... Dude, I felt it for a second. Bob?

I'm waiting in line. There's a guy ahead of me, and probably five minutes on there. There's other people gathering on this other side afterwards. And then an employee comes up to me and she goes, that's not the line. The line's there.

Right? But I was there before the three. Oh, I don't like this. That was already in line. I don't like this. So I go, oh, I fucked up. Well, I guess I get to go next. Obviously. Obviously. Because I've been fucking waiting here. But that's not what happened. Did the people cut you off? They go, no, in the back. No.

Fuck you. Yeah. And I did that. And then now I'm trying to do like my meditations, you know, call, breathe, just be mindful. I'm just rage coming out of my eyes. And then the ladies that said that's the line,

she runs to open up the other register to do me. And I go, no. I'm waiting in this. Why wouldn't you let her go? Why wouldn't you let her do that for you? Why? Because I should have been next.

I know what she wanted to make you first. It doesn't matter. She should have said, excuse me, guys. He waited in the line. He was there before. You should go here. Well, let's get her fired. Yeah, that's what I want. Let's get her fucking fired. If that happened to you, what would you do? Have a good song. But would you wait in the line or would you say something?

I would say something. See, I don't say things. Do you say things? You better fucking buy. You nuts. You know me. I'm the first one that says something, but I do it. But I do it in a way like it's bully-ish, but disarming. Where, like, if that happened to me, I'd go,

oh, that seems unfair. And then someone would be like, oh, that's weird. I thought for sure I've been waiting. All right. I mean, this is fucking stupid. Passive-aggressive. Passive-aggressive. Weird. It works. I know. Oh, well, excuse me.

Someone will go, oh, were you here? And I go, yeah, I was waiting. But I blame it on other things. I don't make the people feel bad. No one heard the transaction. I know. Right? So they... So we all know who did it. Like, if I was in line and then I heard,

I would have been, oh, no, do your next. Like, if I was in the line and I heard that, I would have been like, no, you go ahead, dude, because you were waiting. But let me tell you something. Most people don't have spatial awareness. Most people aren't... Do you know what else I do? If I'm in line and the guy's up back at me,

like, if I have a bunch of shit and there's a guy back at me with one olive oil. Let him go. People don't do that. They're fucking assholes. That guy's going to hold that goddamn bottle until I give through my goddamn 90 groceries. That's what he's going to do. Peace of shit.

You're a human garbage, dude. I just thought you were just an alien. I didn't know you were an asshole. I saw independence day. You wouldn't let a guy with one fucking thing go in front of you. For what? Just because he's going to let him knock it out. He doesn't want to wait for all your shit. He should have came at a different time, bro.

I pass up aggressively like call out P places that I didn't like the way they treated me or I didn't like their system of doing things. Do you remember when I had my old podcast in that... by the Target on La Brea? Yeah. And so we walked by. I'll never forget.

Bobby walked by. There's a fancy invite-only clothing store right there. It's hidden. You wouldn't even know it's there. It's super fucking high-end and you can only go there if you have an invite. There's a guy in a suit that stands outside. La Brea where the Target is. And I go get Bobby parked down that street

and Bobby's smoking a cigarette and he goes, what's this, man? And the guy in the suit's like, it's a retail shop. And Bobby already was pissed off. So he's smoking. He's like, what do you mean? What is it? What are you selling? And he goes, it's invitation-only.

And Bob's like, I could get an invite. I could get a lot of invites if I needed an invite. I could get invites today right now. He's so frustrated. He's smoking and he goes, I want to be able to go inside. You were so fucking mad. And you go, and the guy's like, sorry, it's invite-only.

And he was fucking, he fucked us right off. I was like, come on, Bob, let's go. And as Bobby's walking away, Bobby goes, I'm famous to me. I'm famous. I should be able to go inside. I never say that. Why would I say that fucking ridiculous? I am famous, though. You are famous.

You're famous. You were so mad you couldn't get in there. For the first 15 minutes of the podcast, he was sitting there like this. Why wouldn't that guy fucking let us in? I was like, who gives a shit? There's a place in Los Feliz, so Kevin Christie tells me. You don't like being denied.

Kevin Christie goes, there's a clothing store in Los Feliz, but I don't know if you'll be able to get in. A clothes, like this? Yes, but what it is, is you have to ring a doorbell. Oh, sexy. And I rang it, and I could see a little thing open.

They looked at me, and they just never opened. They closed it back? Yeah, and I remember just being furious. Because I was going to buy shit. Yeah, a lot. But it's like, I hate that hoity-toity. But you do like fashion stuff.

You would work hard to be in that world. You like that world. You like high-end shit that's tough to get. Here's my wardrobe. Here's my preferred wardrobe. Really expensive t-shirts. My t-shirts are vintage sometimes,

and sometimes they are expensive. My jeans are expensive, but I only wear the only two-pair through my whole life. That's my rule. I'm wearing one of them now. I like weird shoes. Are those like Peloton shoes? What the fuck?

Are those for biking? These are F1 shoes. These look like these are for handicap people. This is like... I waited a week for those to come in. I could wait for them to come. Was this really expensive, this shoe?

What are we talking? Be real. A couple hundred bucks. Two fifty, maybe. Is it not? Gucci gym shoes. What happened to them? That's when I was selling crack and shit. That's what I was looking for.

That's the only time I had it. That's the only time I had it. That's the only time I had it. When you were selling crack, you had Gucci gym shoes? Don't you think that was kind of a red flag for the cops? Yeah, because we was the name of the Gucci boys. And anytime we wore anything Gucci, they would pull us over. So you took all this crack money and bought Gucci shit?

Gucci, Fila, Fendi... They changed the name of your fucking group and called it the Gap Boys. Yeah, Gap Kids. Gap Kids. You get your clothes there and that's who you are. Yeah, but I had real Gucci's. How many people were on the team of Crack Squad,

the Gucci boys? Oh, shit. Two. Probably about two, two fifty. Two hundred and fifty people selling crack on your team? In different areas. But all the Gucci boys was like a total of probably about two, two fifty. Now what was it?

Did you have to show up with Gucci when you went to the meetings? So there's Gucci boys... It's a gang in Michigan. That was when I was younger. Let's see if you can look them up. The Gucci boys gang in Michigan. Detroit. I want to see what they look like.

What would your clothing gang be? What would your brand design gang be? It would probably be Fred Siegel. The Fred Siegel gang. What would Rudy's be? City Target? Goodwill.

Goodwill. The Goodwill gang. That actually sounds dope. Where do you get your clothes? And this coming from someone with no fashion. I wear t-shirts. Don't you boys gang member found guilty of attempted first-degree murder? Oh, that's real.

Carlos Wheeler, 28, been found guilty of conspiracy. They're still probably going around. Do you ever reach out to some of the old Gucci boys? Yeah, I got them on Facebook. The gang is on Facebook. That's what Zuckerberg initially intended it for. Gang meetups on Facebook. Carlos Wheeler, Gucci boy gang.

Now we're getting clipped. The government's going to listen to us for the alien stuff. And now we're going to get fucked by a gang. Have you ever had a physically abusive relationship? Has a woman ever struck you? I had a girl throw a knife at me. Why? Because we were breaking up.

And she was mad that I was breaking up with her. She threw a knife at me. That's the worst. But her aim was so bad. It hit like the fucking other wall. I was like, what? Holy shit. I'm definitely out of here.

If she would have hit me, I might have stayed. I think that's one of the worst things to do. What? Because every relationship, aside from Kalaila, I was always the one that had to break up. And I always do it out of nowhere. Right. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? There's no like... It's like an anniversary dinner? Yeah, baby, you look beautiful. We're done. But it's like, I hate that conversation. Because you could see them try to process it. And just start thinking, what did I do?

What did I do? And it's like the worst confrontation. It's the worst. Have you ever broken up with somebody? Never. He's never been with anybody. You've never been in a real... You've never been in a real...

Dude, I've known you forever. I've never seen you with A, man. This is my girlfriend. That's never happened. When I was selling crack, my girlfriend... That's the best girlfriend I've ever had. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One time I lost a drug dealer's drugs and she gave me the money for it.

So you're a real one there to appreciate you. Is she alive? Where's she at? She's actually a dentist. She's on a dentist's. The city of Detroit. Man, how these two... There was two roads in the woods. Huh?

Boy, did you take the one house car or go to dental school? I don't know. A road emerged in the woods. That's not like my realest girlfriend, but after that I just saw other guys... Have you had to dump people, Rudy? My first boyfriend, I just ghosted him.

Hell yeah. She would. There's no way you're having a conversation about it. That's it, huh? Have you been dumped? No. You can tell she's never been dumped. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was his name? No, I don't...

What if he listens? Yeah, yeah, what's his name? I hate his name. What is it? The band? The whole band. His name was Bono. He was international.

I don't think it's weird. So wait a minute. So you two... You dumped you two. Why? What did he do? Because he was, like, very clingy. You're very independent, though.

You don't like people to be... You like your space. I have an aversion to thirsty people. Like, desperation. Well, you like to see what they do, though. You do like to see wild thirsty people in the wild. You like to watch... You like to engage with thirst.

Like, you like to... If there's thirsty comics or something like that... No, I don't like that. You fuck with them. I'll fuck around with them, right? But it's not like, you know... I have to give you an example. Go ahead and say it.

It's the last night I saw... Just put your hand over your mouth. Can you see? Yeah. Why don't you move your mouth and then isolate it? Oh, that's great. That's really good, Doc. So...

No, you got to open your mouth, dude. What kind of doll are you, man? Yeah, yeah. So, I'll do this to let you know when to say it. Does he know who the name is? I was going to run over there and see him whisper it to me. Then I come back. So...

No, you don't... The doll... Oh, my God. Dude, the doll doesn't talk. I'm the voice. You're just the doll. You just open your mouth. Oh, okay.

Okay. Wait a minute. Wasn't this your idea? Yeah, I got it. This is... Your idea, dude? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How the fuck did you give your own idea?

Yeah, I fucking lost it. All right, so... All right, so... Let's do it. Maybe this will be better, right? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Bobby and his doll, Doc. Let me introduce you guys. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage Bobby Lee and his doll, Little Black Magic. Yeah. Hello, everybody. I'm Bob, and this is... No, I'm talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm... This guy's so dumb. All right, so check it out. This is insane. So when... Someone does the twirl... The twirl goes out, right? The guy talks as well, right, as himself.

Like, he welcomes the show, right? And then when I do this, right, is when you talk. But you don't have to do the mouthpiece when I'm talking because that would make no fucking sense! Okay. All right, all right. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the stage Bobby Lee and Little Black Magic. Yeah, it's really good to be here at the Mirage. What do you think of the Mirage, Doc? Oh, yeah, that's right. Now you fucked it up. I'm gonna break it. I'm gonna break it.

Fuck the guy. Two dummies. All right, so anyway, we bid you adieu. Go ahead. Really good to be here at the Mirage. What do you think, Doc? Thank you for being a good friend.

Love it. Yeah. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo!