Bad Friends - Privileged Bottom

Episode Date: August 3, 2026

Get MORE Bad Friends at our Patreon!! https://www.patreon.com/c/badfriends Thank you to our Sponsors: Bluechew, Avocado Green Mattress, Rocket Money, Kachava, Shopify & Quince • Bluechew: Right now, when you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third for FREE with promo code BADFRIENDS. • Avocado Green Mattress: Find an Avocado near you or shop online at https://AvocadoGreenMattress.com/BADFRIENDS — and check out their mattress and bedding sale! • Rocket Money: Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at https://www.RocketMoney.com/BADFRIENDS • Kachava: Go to https://kachava.com and use code BADFRIENDS for 15% off your first order. • Shopify: Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/badfriends • Quince: Go to https://Quince.com/badfriends for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Phantom of the Opera 4:00 6 Minutes of Sharks 7:00 Mitch McConnell Marches 12:00 Summer School 16:00 Bobby Owns Gravity 24:00 Ancient Hieroglyphics 29:00 Shangdi & Thierry Henry 33:00 Doc's Dad & "The Talk" 40:00 Finding an Easter Egg 46:15 Bunny Killer 51:00 The Doc Routine 56:00 Privileaged Bottom 1:00:00 Inspector Gadget 1:06:00 Doc Fails The Test 1:11:00 Fade For Beginners 1:17:00 Somewhere Over The Rainbow More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbylee.live More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Fancy SOS VHS: https://www.youtube.com/@7equis Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.com/ Podcast Producer: Andrés Rosende This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends #sponsored #ad Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, bad friends. I'm going to be playing September 7th in St. Louis. Well, it's St. Charles, but it's right next door to St. Louis, Missouri. You got to go. You got to go. Please go out. You want to see the best comic in the world? Let's go. You got to see me, I'm at the Maristar Casino, September 7th there in St. Charles slash St. Louis, Missouri. That's my last show of the year. So come out and see me go to Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. That's Andrew Santino.com, St. Louis, St. Charles, Missouri. Hey! Hey, guys! We have new merch. I love these shirts. These are my favorite ones. Look at how great this shirt is right now. This is incredible. An amazing bad friend.

artist made this for us and we want you guys all to be wearing it on your person right now. You can buy these shirts right now in red or black at bad friendsmerch.com. That's bad friendsmerch.com. Go get the shirts. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Oh, you two or something.

We're bad friends. Christine. Uh, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Oh, no. Oh, no. That's where you went? Christine.

Christine. Wow. Christine. I did it in Wednesday. Did you really? Is it that good? It's fantastic. Phantom of the opera.

It's... I don't know anything about the story. So good. Tell me the story. It's a ghost story. It's a ghost story. It is. But he's half white.

What's the mask about? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, yeah. I don't like it. Can I tell you something? Tell me about it. The cast I went to.

Yeah. The Phantom is black. Is it really? Yeah. And he has a white, half white face? Well, yeah. He's in white face for half of the... I like that. That's the Phantom is black. I want them black. Okay. Yeah, yeah. What?

Sure, man. I want my Phantom's black. Me too, Doc. All right. And my grim reapers. Phantom was fantastic. Wow. So it makes sense. Is there opera? Oh, yeah.

Okay. It's called Phantom of the eye. I understand that, but there could be not. Christine. Oh. Come to my layer and here will fire. The phantom of the opera. Dude, it's so funny.

It's good. I loved it. I love it. Mascarry. You're gay. That's what you are. You're gay. Yeah, 100%.

Undoubtedly. Yeah, because I will not go. Yeah. Yeah. You would never go. Yeah, I went to that Lion King one time. Is it the same? Same.

It's a play. Yeah, it's still a, is it an opera? Would you say? They're singing. No, it's a musical. Oh, it's a musical. What's the difference between musical and an opera? Fancy knows you went to school for this.

Yeah. For real? Yeah, for real. Yeah, he wants to know. Musical is a modern play. Operas are generally sung through classical performances, utilizing non-amplified operatic voices. So you have to see it.

Yeah? Yeah. But if I sing like this, this is a musical. Kind of. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty good. I see. I'm coming.

I kind of bummed. He got his eyes done now. He can see everything that's on that screen. He used to not be able to read it. Now he can see everything. I can see everything. I can read it. It was incredible.

The whole cast did a great job. It was really cool. Did you go backstage? No, I sat in the, I thought, you know. I don't know. I don't know. That's why you don't go. No.

You went to the wedding. How was the wedding? B-IP. How was the wedding? I didn't go. Yeah, you did. I know you went! You were!

Yeah, I saw the photos. Didn't go. Yeah. How was the wedding? I threw up on Taylor Swift's dress. Yeah. Everywhere. Was it star studded?

Yeah. Yeah. No, dude, it was just cousins. It was all... A thousand cousins. It was a thousand. A thousand cousins. I see.

Well, like, so are you... Christine. Christine. When you're in that situation, are you nervous or are you having fun? I have in a blast. They're just certain people that aren't allowed to go. Certain people aren't allowed to go. Or are not friends in that, you know, that's fine.

I'm not, you know, if like there's certain weddings I would probably be invited to. Yeah. Who's? Like, you know, Joel, that drummer from the comedy was a doorman. Joel Jimenez. Yeah, yeah, I don't think you would. I don't think maybe not. Yeah, yeah.

I don't think so. Yeah, but I don't think huge, you know. I think that maybe I would get invited to certain... Macones? I know, but not the level of... I can't think of anyone in the level of... You might not get to McCone. I don't think so.

You know what I realized yesterday when I was swimming? That if I was thrown overboard in the middle of the ocean, like if I was on a cruise or whatever, I would survive for six minutes. Because I tried to test it. I timed it. And waiting in a pool for six minutes, that's my limit. I would have drowned.

Six minutes is pretty good. Yeah. Without any, like, platform or something to do that. hold on to. Average time for the Coast Guard to come get you? It's like an hour. Yeah, what's the average time? Dead.

You're totally dead. Under an hour to several days. Yeah, there's no way. I would die. But see, he says hypothermia, depending on where you fall in. You fall in down there in the Bahamas. You're going to be on that. Listen to me.

My pole is heated. Okay. There are no waves. Yeah. There are no sharks. Yeah, probably. Orcas. I timed it.

Six fucking minutes, I'd be dead. We should stuff. We should put sharks and stuff in your pool and make a wave machine in there. to see how long we could last. Yeah, well, without the sharks first. No, put the shark. Okay, put the sharks. Put the ones that don't bite.

Two minutes. The ones that just tickle you. Like a tiger. Yeah, tiger shark. Yeah, yeah. 50 to 60 degrees, you could last one to two hours. Wow. In 50 degrees.

You'd have to have something to float on like jacked it and rose like a door. Let's rip a door off in your house and put it in the pool and reenact Titanic. Oh, I can jack it. I can rose it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You can rose it. 100%.

Yeah, I'll jack it. They're going to come soon. Yeah. Bye. Yeah, goodbye. Can I be honest with that? They could have both fit on that door. Not only that, I would have jacked it.

You would have killed yourself? No, I would have been like pushed her off and then got on, stayed on it. That's reverse jack. Yeah, I reverse the jack. What's the other guy's name that snuck onto the family, the women and children boat, that guy, her ex-husband. He's the guy. His fiance, sorry. He snuck on the women and children boat.

Yeah, who plays that, Billy Zane. You do. Yeah. That's a hundred percent. Yeah, yeah. You would have gotten on women. Well, I'm small. Yeah, you're like a little.

Yeah, yeah. They would see that I was. Women, children and Asians. Yeah. I go, hello. Yeah. Is that an Asian woman? Yeah, I am.

Hello. Redheads just jump in and die. Yep. Speaking of death, I think Mitch and McConnell is still alive. Yep. Is he? He doesn't know he's alive, though. You keep talking about them.

Yeah, I don't think he's alive. But I think he's brain dead, but I think he's still alive. Hey, go to the first. go to images. Yeah. How bad is his PR team that they're not trying to get rid of these pictures?

Just get rid of that. Just be like, don't publish it. Don't publish that. That's what he looks like. I know, so cut it out. Yeah.

You know, sometimes you can Google someone and it only shows photos of them when they were like 40. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like this guy they're letting him put everything.

Get it out of there. I mean, is it me? Is he not hot? I don't think he is, brother. All right, good. I just don't.

I don't want to shame the guy. I just don't think that, like, I don't know what is he hot. Not even when he was young. As a young guy, he wasn't hot. No, didn't work. Never had like a...

So he always was in an awkward face? Yeah, he never got out of it. Yeah. And then he also marched with Martin Luther King. Did he? I don't know. You know what I mean? Did he?

Yeah, I think he was chasing him. Is that true or no? Yeah, there he is. Where is he? And there's his wife right there next. Yeah. Black guy and Asian guy. Which one is?

That is not Martin. Luther King. That's just a black guy. Yeah. You think that's MLK? No, I heard that it. I saw TikTok. That is not Elm. Okay. Someone on TikTok was like, that's MLK. That's just a black guy. He attended his march. He went to the march. That doesn't mean he marched with him.

Yeah, attended. Wait, he attended it. That's good. But there was like a big gathering. He probably showed up to the gathering to be like, how can we get this guy? I'm trying to get him. Oh, I see. He was plotting and planning. I thought he changed through time. I think people do that. I doubt it. Yeah. Like, I love black people. And then as they get money and, you know, power and stuff, I don't like them anymore for some reason. I'd say he's so, Chris, such a,

he's like, how old? There he is. 90. What? He's 84. No, he's 90 by now. No, he's 84. Mitch should, should not be able to allow. And also, Barry Manilow, it's like, it's like, it's over. And so you had your time. You had your time. Yeah. It's like, why don't you want to just lay on a beach? Have you seen that? Their mouth, the mouths don't move. It's the creepiest thing I've ever seen. Yeah. They've got him like propped up.

And it's like his teeth are doing it. I'm like, this is ventrilo. I think Jeff Dunham is doing Barry Manilone. Yeah. You know what the best white song is? Give me the best white song. The best song you guys ever written. And Christopher Cross sailing.

It's like the best white. Sailing. Dwell, not just gentle feeling. By the way. Look at that photo of him. I know. Nothing else. They didn't have any other pictures available.

Here's why I like it. You can imagine yourself, right, being a black eye on a boat. Uh-oh. With three other white guys. Well, right? You're sailing. You are sailing and rowing, right? And then when the boat comes back, right?

Are you on the boat because you wanted to be on the boat? Yeah, I want to be on the boat. The minorities are gone, you know? Oh, you're a black guy in the boat with all white guys? Yeah. Yeah. Just like what happened. Just not.

I was trying to do a reference. of that black guy missing. We got it. I don't think you did. I got it. I don't think it's a good joke. It's a great joke. I don't know why I said that.

I apologize. It's fine. Sometimes I hit. Am I missing today? You're hitting home runs. As far as I'm concerned. I like the color of that beanie, by the way. Thank you.

I tell you. What? I think retirement is key. Yeah, you hear people talk about retirement like, oh, you're not going to like it. It's a repetition. There's no goal in life. That's when you start dying.

Sounds great. It sounds great to me. I'm going to get that. Yeah. Let's get out of here. Just being on a beach all day, like drinking sweet drinks. You're going to be in Hawaii 100%. Oh, yeah.

On a private little beach. Not private. Amongst everybody. Okay. He needs recognition. Yeah. No. I honestly believe that.

Is that Bobby Lee? All day. A sign that says, it's me, Bobby Lee. There's no way. There's no way. So a small little place. I want to grow farm. Grow farm.

Yeah, I'm going to farm. Melons. What are you going to farm? What did you farm? Whatever they have, like sugar cane, you know. Well, they, pineapple, they used to do. Dole was there for you. Yeah, pineapple.

Things that in that environment, you can grow. Something thrive. I want to learn how to grow. I like that. Yeah, I want to have like a big yard for like cats and dogs and stuff. I love that. And just like, you know, lay on a beach. Now, would you ever split a farm with me or no?

Yeah, I would. Cannabis, tobacco, coca, kava and nut palm. These are drugs you can farm. Okay. Probably Kava. opioids maybe I love Kava Why are you doing that

He's gonna farm He's gonna farm legal substances He can distribute No he can relapse once he retires Okay Why are you guys Carlos? First of all

You know the process From Koka to cocaine Oh you would So hire people for that As someone that has hired A few people to do that It is still very hard to do Yeah

Maybe I can gentrify cocaine Like they're doing with sardines Oh you can get the leaves In Los Pheles Yeah Like the plants and chill in You know too much About this

Yeah I'm a little nervous I think if you gentrify old school drugs. That's my thing. That's cool. Because they're doing it like, you know, with fish wife. You know what fish wife is?

No, is it a new restaurant? No, it's a sardine. So back in the day, right? Teach me, baby. I'll tell you. Thousands of years of people, like poor people would eat sardines in cans. I like that. But it's super good for you.

Yeah. It's really good protein. And she, you know, kind of gentrified it and made it like cool. It's like what they do with lobster. Yes, exactly. Serve it to prisoner. Right. So she says that fish white smoked Atlantic salmon is so good.

So it's a brand of fish. It's a brand of fish in a tin in a can. Oh, got it. Right. So why can we do it with opium? Okay. I think you're right. Yeah, I won't do it because I'm sober, but it's like, you know.

Hey, right here. I'll do it. Yeah. I'll do it. What would we call it? Smoke husband, man. Summer school. Summer school.

Yeah. Oh, summer school. Summer school is fantastic. That's a fantastic. Everyone in this room had to take it. I'll tell you that. I'm a little maggie. It's summer school.

Yeah. It's fentanyl. Damn, dude, do we got to give you credit for that? That's nuts. Bobby, what should we call it? Summer spring. Okay. I'm sorry.

Lake, lake. Lake boat. No. Lake Elsonor. Lake Elsonor. That's a cool. Lake sale. No.

Sail away. Sail away. Sail away. No. Sail away lake. Sail away lake. How about, how about? White lady.

Coke. Boy, ladies, too literal. That's what they call it on the streets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. White sale. Yeah, white ghost. They are usually. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Except for a fandom this weekend. Anyway, we'll fuck up. We'll get a marketing team. I got a new family for you to hate in the farming world. Who? I had this discussion with my in-laws at the house about farming in Central California. The Restnick family, do you know these people? The wonderful, they own wonderful, you know, pomp.

You know they own all of the water. Like literally. all of our water. Yeah. Check this out. Half of the world's nuts come from this family right here and these people look up the, click on his Wikipedia. Majority stake in the current water bank one of California's largest underground water storage facilities, capable of storing 500 billion gallons. Okay, check this out. Every single year, they use 120 billion gallons of water. Two-thirds on nuts. This is enough to supply San Francisco's entire population with water. for a decade.

That's insane. Kill these, we don't need nuts. You know what we got to do? We don't need nuts. Do we need pistachios? I mean, I like walnuts. I think this is pistachios and almonds. But they're using the water for to sell,

to sell water, right? They're using the water to make almonds and pistachios. It takes a ton of water to make them. Oh, I didn't know. Well, then that... I don't need pistachios or almonds anymore. Get rid of them. They're gone.

They use the same water, the fracking wastewater. Right, they got criticized for that. Oh, really? We should capitalize on air. How do we bottle air? We got a bottle air, I think. I think you can do that from concerts. You can get like a Taylor Swift air bottle.

Will you, hey, will you buy the website Bad Friends Air and we'll start redistributing air? What we need to do is take the air out of the world and then like sell it back to the world. Do you want oxygen? Yeah, you want oxygen. But we secretly took the air away. We could sell it from the Bad Friends studio. Like Bobby Lee breed this air. Or air buildings.

No, dude. He wants to own. I want to air all. I want to own. own all air. Bobby wants to own the atmosphere. Yeah, yeah. So we gobble up all the air, right?

Take the air out of society in the world. Yeah. Right? And go, oh. You want to breathe? Hey, rainforest. You want to breathe? But they're like, we have trees.

But it's like we got to take them away. No, no, no. They create oxygen. Yeah, but... A high velocity fan. Okay, how about this? Okay. Why don't we just start owning gravity?

Let's go. Dude, we got to own gravity. We got to own gravity, dude. Yeah, yeah. They're out of here. Yeah, out of here, dude. Come down to Earth, Pallas. Yeah.

That'll be our ad. Or let's double down. Once we get gravity, let's own black holes. Okay. Yeah. We'll get it all. Yeah, we'll get it all. And bending space and time.

Carlos heard black holes and piped up real. Yeah, yeah. Once you get the air, something called the Bernelli effect happens where all the air you get, like, you're immersed by it. So you're. Yeah, of course you're immersed by it. You need to give it two to five feet of space. Well, Bernelli will be the brand.

The brand of our air. Yeah. You can buy bernel air. Yeah. Seal the gaps, obviously. Can you imagine we hire him to seal the gaps? None of them are sealed. Yeah.

We lose all of our air the first day. Isn't it crazy to think that like, you know, everything is monetized? Yeah. Even simple things like water and living. People have owned the water. And food. I know. So long.

It's like, and a lot of these water companies you don't realize aren't really that good for you. Oh, you mean? With microplastics and, and such. They just caught that fancy olive oil company. The one where you squeeze, it's the little tiny droplet that comes out. They sell them at fancy places. It has forever chemicals all in it. Olive oil company.

They just got caught with forever chemicals. That's why I buy pretty high-end olive oil. I make my own. You have olive trees? Yeah. Yes, I do. And I see one tree. Oh, you hand.

I hand squeeze them. I hand squeeze them. I do that with almond milk. You do? Yeah, I take almonds and I squeeze them as hard as I can. P-Fest, baby, forever chemical. We got them in all of our blood. They got sued two hours ago by the New York Attorney General.

Oh, really? It just happened. Yeah. Wow, nice. I bought a hair kit. What? Yeah. What are you talking about? Like on TikTok, it was like, you know, I mean, we send us your hair and we'll tell you what's in your body.

Stop sending people your stuff. Why? DNA. You don't want to send your DNA. No, it's an incredible company. You know what you should do, send your dog's hair. Oh, and they're like. Bobby.

This is a huge problem. This is a problem. They call you. They're like, sir, can we have a conversation with any? Yeah. are you half, are you primitive? Yeah. You're like, I mean, I do feel I'm awake all night.

I do yell at the moon in the middle of the night. Yeah. There's a going to be, that new movie coming. I'm excited. What? Because there's never really been a werewolf. A werewolf movie? Yeah.

Teen Wolf, dog. No. One of my favorite. Robert Eggers. A scary one. Oh, a horror. It's the guy that did Nosterovthu did. He did Nostorovtu.

He's doing this? He's doing Werovvv to. Nostiravtu. Let him say at the way. way he wants to say it. Yeah, you're fucking Spanish cuck. You Spanish cuck, dude. Whelwolf. And it's spelled like Fancy would say it. Wad wolf. Exactly. Because, look at that. If that's not a Whirlwolf. Isn't that the liver king? That guy. Wow. The Werwolf. When does this come out next year? Probably at the end of this year. You should watch, check out the trailer. It's pretty good. There's some good

movies coming out, man. Who's in it? Zoom in. Willem Defoe. He's always in Robert Argers. He was in the lighthouse. He was in Osterofto. Is that right? Aaron Taylor Johnson, Lily Rose Depp. Yeah. Ralph Innocent, Simon Maberli. So they gave, yeah, cool. Lily Rose Depp.

Well, she was in Nostorofta. Am I saying it wrong? Yes. What is it? How do you spell it? Nosphato. You say it however you want to say it. No, I don't want to say it correctly.

Nosferato. Nosferato. Now Lily Rose Depp, she was also in Johnny Depp's balls at one point. Yeah, but she was also, okay, let me say something. If you watch Nosepharet. too, right? She's amazing in that. You would be.

Yeah. You would be if your stepmom pooped in your bed. You'd have to have some kind of, you'd have to have some kind of depth. Some trauma. Yeah, some traumatic depth to make you a good actor. Yeah. It was here.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blam, blah. It's black magic in the house. Black magic in the house. Black magic in the house. What are you doing? Are you a crypt now?

Are you a crick? He's a crypt from Compton Like magic in the house. Blue Chew. I'm almost 55 years old. I have a girlfriend And I have to admit I have to use sometimes Bluetooth.

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That's rocketmoney.com slash bad friends. Rocketmoney.com slash bad friends. Black magic in house. In the motherfucking house. I'm no motherfucking. How are you doing, black magic? Good. Feeling good.

You're looking good. You look good. Ladies gentlemen, black magic is back on the show. Good to see you, baby boy. So I've been getting into the alien thing a little bit more. Yeah? Yeah. I don't understand it.

So the higher glyphic. in ancient times, in the cave drawings, they show alien heads and alien things. So do you think the Egyptians and these kind of people witnessed and met aliens? 100%. You do. Yeah.

Because what if they were the aliens? Aren't they the aliens? No, they're not. See, I think they were the aliens. When we say the aliens built the pyramids, that's who was there. I mean, because look at the signs of them things and just the science behind them,

we can't figure it out. They keep- I can figure it out. seen all these videos where they try to emulate how to how to do that doesn't work. Well, the Giza is exactly pointing to true north. That's true. Why are you laughing, dude? That's not true?

It's just a bobby. Such TikTok brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pointing to true north. But it is. It is. True north-west, Kanye's child. She's doing a concert.

to top the yeah and um also it's like um the the Egyptians believed that we were it was trying to talk about how we're in the age of Pisces but we're about to be in the age of Aquarius oh I wish it was Sagittarius yeah and in a half 150 years the age of Aquarius is going to happen what the fuck is you're supposed to know you're supposed to know that's what I'm bringing it up dude I feel like black people always know that about the yeah yeah Yeah, about the, what? The age of Aquarius. The fifth dimension.

My aunt was heavy into this shit. I know. Yeah. See? And none of our aunts were into this. Yeah. She was teaching me this shit when I was young and I'm still fucked up. I don't get it.

Yeah, no, I don't eat it. That's what I'm asking. What is it? Are we in the age of Aquarius in a hundred years? And then what happens? And the Egyptians seem to hint at it, right? And they have all these like weird like hieroglyphic. I can't say it.

Hyroglyphics? Hieroglyphics. The age of Aquarius is an Africanianianianianian. astrological era characterized by a shift towards collective consciousness, humanitarianism, innovation, and interconnectedness. Sounds good. Astrologers calculate its arrival based on the position of the equinox as a roughly 26,000-year cycle while the exact start date remains heavily debated.

Many believe we are transitioning into this new dawn right now. That's insane. We're in the age of Aquarius now. Well, we've been in a... In conjunction with AI and all these other things that are happening and CERN, you know, that machine that they shut down and what was it, Switzerland or Netherlands, But they just shut it down just for maintenance. For four, but the, that's what they told you.

That's what they told you. They told you for maintenance, but you know it's really, you're not, you know, you work at CERN? Yeah, black holes and dementia, these motherfuck. Yeah. Yeah. You probably didn't even know it and the ship came in like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They had no idea. Do you know much about CERN or no? Yeah. I don't know a whole, not a whole lot, but I know. Tell us about it. Look at CERN. Well, CERN is just particle accelerators, just them colliding particles. What's that statue about?

What's that in the front of, that that's right in front of the Cern. Yeah. Explain that. That's the, Ali Wong was a part of it. I mean, what's going on here? Isn't that the, who is that?

The Indian goddess? I don't know. Which one? Which one? Aren't there thousands of them? Yeah, it's like, I forget, man. Shit. I don't be.

Shiva? When it comes to, is it Shiva? Is it Shiva? That's Shiva. Okay. Okay. But why is it in front of the CERN building? Why is the Shiva statue in front of the CERN building is what we need to know?

This is the kind of stuff that are. fans really need. I've figured. Honestly, we can talk about something else. No, I'm being, I'm being disrespectful. I'm more of a Christian guy myself. To me. Shiva statue stands outside. I'm the one that guessed it was Shiva. Stans outside of the CERN building

is a symbolic gift from the Indian government to celebrate its longstanding scientific partnership with the laboratory. Oh, okay. Wow. I can understand that. I'm more of a Krishna guy myself. You, oh, you like Christian? Yeah, Krishna. Yeah. I'm a sheikh. Oh, you're Krishna. Yeah. I like more than one arms. That's what I support. But Krishna is the most like described God in the Hindu.

In the Hindu. What do you mean? Described. He's like if you Google what God is the most described God in the in the in the in the in the leaders the Vedas or the oh let me to describe a god and you guess what it is. Okay. He's wearing robes. He's got a beard long hair. White God. Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? He's got a robe, beard. Yeah. Two fishes in his basket. Sounds like my guy.

Two fishes in a man. Right? There's a snake. What's going on? That's Jesus. Okay. All right. He's fat, Asian, right?

He's happy. Exactly. So I mean... I'm more of a Shaan Di guy. That's who I am. Who's Shang Di? Who's Shang Di? Who's the original...

Describe it. Isn't that your cousin? That's my cousin. Yeah. Go ahead. Second cousin on my mom's side. Sean Di is the original Chinese God that's their supreme. Can you describe it without looking at the photos?

They also change the name to Tien, huh? Describe it without looking at the photo. Shang-D. Fucking like the sun. Look it up. Light, cosmic. I don't know how to fucking describe it. He's just like our God.

God, and Jesus, the God of Jesus, he's hard to describe. Beautiful. He looks like him, me. That's Shang-D? Yeah, that's Shang-Di. Yeah, that's Chinese though. No, that's not. Watching me with a beard.

Imagine me with a beard, dude. Go to all real fat. Is that Emperor Guangu or whatever his name is? Zoom in on Shang-D. Supreme Deity in ancient Chinese theology dating back to the Shang and Zhu dynasties initially viewed as the ultimate ancestor of the Shang royal family. He controlled victory, harvest, weather. Hey, weather.

He's like storm from Xima. Someone else took that over years later. Later, Protestant missionaries famously adopted the term to translate the concept of the Abrahamic god into Chinese. So he was the original from the Shang dynasty. Right. So he was before, way before Buddha. Yeah, because he's original.

Not only that, but he's also. So it's Tien is the same guy too. They're one and the same. Hey, what part of Spain are you from? I'm from the north. From the north, but what city? Santiago de Compostela. Oh, Santiago de Compostela.

I was gonna go visit. And then everyone told me not to. Right. When I was in Spain, they were like, too many bells. Don't go. Are there bells there? All in the streets, it's all bells.

The whole place is made of bells. Little tiny bells. Is Ya Ming, he lived close to where you were? Yao Ming is Chinese. Yeah The basketball player Yeah, I mean la Mal There he is

Super talented that kid Yeah yeah yeah Who's your all time Who's your all time Of what Is it Henry? Henri Henri Henri

Tyrie Henri I think is my Guy Burramp Burr camp Yeah yeah Fucking nice Legend Dennis Burrcamp

Yeah Yeah I like that I can't Why can't you Uh huh Uh huh Yeah, you don't understand.

It's like edging. Soccer's like an edge the whole. I'm an edger. Aren't you an edger? What is that? What? It gets close to coming, but you never not.

Oh, wow. That's got to be painful. That's what soccer is to me, painful to watch. The only time that ever happened is like when your mom walk in, when you beat off. No, I don't know that. Okay, but then, sorry. Go ahead, finish it. I don't know about that.

I don't know about that. You know what you do? You're in there thinking you got some privacy and she's like, hey, you want pancakes? Like, ah. You've done that. How many times does that happen? Okay. You do got the pancakes afterwards.

Was that traumatic? Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty traumatic. Mom, she just, you know, she just pretend like it don't happen. She just said, okay, well, now. Jeez, it's going on it. How old were you when that was happening? 28.

Oh, boy, I hope you grow up a little bit, Doc. I saw what was going on in there. But she's the one who gave me the sex ad book instead of just sitting down, sitting me down and talking to me. Did you read? Yeah. There's a sex, that's a page in there. Is there like photographs in it?

Sitting on a toilet and he's like this and it's like, it's okay to masturbate. And I was like, really? And there began my porn. The pastura puberty. Wow. So what did your mom go? Sit down, talk. I want to talk to you about sex.

She gave him a book. Just gave me the book, Bob. Oh, okay. Book on your desk. Can you read it? And I was like, all right. And what, in the book, it had masturbation. It was a chapter?

Yeah. Yeah. I discovered it on my own. How about you? You didn't need a book? I didn't need a book, no. It got hard. I'm like,

you discovered it differently than everybody else. Oh, wow. Yeah. For sure. For sure. Okay, when I was molested, I wasn't hard. Oh, I didn't say you were.

I didn't even talk. I wouldn't even talking about that. He's talking about the experience of the joy. Yeah. Wait a minute. Was there joy? Just asking. Interesting.

I think my dad kind of said something. I think my dad said, Hey, kiddo. Yeah, yeah. What else did he say? What are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah, yeah.

Come over here. Okay, well, am I, all right, I'm naked. Yeah, come over here. Okay, I'm all here. Look at this. You know what this is? Oh, that's yours. No, this is a, this is a magazine.

Oh, what is that? It's, you know, pretty good magazine. It's called Hustler. Oh, nice. How you doing? I'm good. You want to look? Better now.

Yeah, yeah. Now, do you feel any kind of thing down there? No. You don't. No. Look at this. What is that? Ooh, a cologne advertisement.

Yeah, smell it. Yeah. Druck hard. Now I'm hard. Yeah. So your pops introduced you. I think he just taught. No, no, not like sex, not jerking off stuff.

I think my dad said something about if you're going to do stuff with girls, you go get a condom. I think that was like the most that he said. It was like, if you're going to do what you're probably going to do at your age, just don't, don't, don't. Don't be dumb. Just go get a con. So when y'all got in middle school, if my mother just would have waited one more year, they taught us that because we had sex ed. Yeah. And there wasn't circle jerks.

See how Bobby last. I know. I know. I know. What are you circle jerks? I don't know. We didn't have a community circle jerk at the app around, you know. We did.

Yeah, yeah, you did. You got it. You discovered it on your own. So what happened was my friend Alan's dad had videotapes. Right? And so what I would go, I would go, hey, can you steal one of his videotapes? And can I borrow it? Yeah.

Yeah. I love the video. In back of that, it was like a movie called Debbie Does Dallas. I love Debbie Does Dallas. Debbie Does Dallas. Yeah, it's a classic. It's like porn's, you know, vertigo or whatever. Apocalypse now.

Yeah, yeah. So that was what year was Debbie Does Dallas? 19. She was before our time. That'd have been 87, 78. Yeah, so that's perfect. You know what I mean? So I'm like, you know, 10 years old, he has Debbie Does Dallas.

and I take it home, right? My parents are at work. It was a weekend and I, you know, I mean, jerked off real quick. Like three pumps watching Debbie Does Dallas. And then it's the little thing came out, like a little droplet. And I was like, it felt so good.

And I was like, wow. Like a, just like a volcano or just like, was it a fucking, was it like the over the side? It was more like a. It made that sound when you walk into a Korean store and ding-dong. Yeah, but I just remember that.

I must have been like 13. I don't know. 13. 13 is about right. Yeah. Yeah, your parents didn't have porn? No.

No, dude. What are you talking about? Yeah. I need that. Yeah. Yeah, you're dead. Yeah, your mom did. Yeah.

My dad. Your dad had it? That shit was all over the place. I said, he had the worst fucking hider ever. I was finding porn under the couch, under the shelves. I was like, dude, you got this shit every woman.

Did your mom never say anything about it? I'm quite sure she watched it with him. She had to because I'm just like, hey, fuck it, there's too much porn. Yeah. They're watching it together. Freak like a mother. Some people use Jurassic Park as a family.

Gather around family. We're going to watch Jurassic Park or whatever, but not you guys. I guarantee you. Forest Gump, everybody, come on in. You know what I mean? I guarantee your father's probably had porn hidden somewhere. No, we didn't. For sure, for sure, I didn't.

For sure, my parents were traditional Korean old people. My dad did for sure, but it's not like, it wasn't in like the cupboard. It wasn't like near the cereal. Did you look for it? No, because I had my own, like I had ours. All right. Well, what I meant by the shelf is,

I was like, one time, one tape under the couch. What do you mean? Is it dry basil? I mean, it's on the shelf? No, what I'm saying though is I became like Inspector Gadget. I was looking at chimney. I didn't give a fuck. I was like, where's he keeping this shit?

And I was finding his stash. like this motherfucker man it was like a marathon a beating off I said this is insane he's a little gadget magazines everywhere I said this dude got

a clock your dad's just trying to make you a detective he's like yeah Doc gonna be a detective you found it eventually yeah

I was like the riddle he'd leave clues like a little card you're gonna be welcome doc if kids are what you're looking lift up the floor. Yeah.

The three main spots was underneath the couch behind the couch underneath. No, we don't know. Time out. By the way. I'm trying to tell you. Hold on. I was lifting the couches and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The couch beneath the couch. If your parents were watching it together, why would they just keep it in their bedroom? Yeah. Because that's why I was finding these shit too. It didn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's like they should have just kept it in their bedroom. I don't think my mom.

I think my dad was the one he just was just into that shit. Yeah. He just was hiding it. That's the way he was at. My mother would did that. But my father, I'm like, he's the one hiring this. This is dumb shit because I'll find this shit everywhere. He wanted you to find it.

Probably. Yeah, he wanted you to find it. He was hoping that you were interested. And they had a master bed. I mean, a king size king bed. Yeah, most parents have that. No, no, but they, my parents don't have. My parents had had a single bed, but yeah.

Not with the secret compartment. Farmers. but on top of these what do you call it? The headboard? Yeah, it's not the headboard but it's the headboard but it's like It's the couch beneath the couch.

The triple couch situation? Yeah, that one. The head, not the headboard. No, it's like, I don't even know what to call it because it was a mirror, right? What are you talking about? You never seen no shit like this? All right, so there's like,

Let me like, which what? You mean like a king bed? A dresser? And there's a mirror in the back. Oh, thing that goes with the bed. Yeah.

So like the bed frame in the headboard. Right. But this is like, so the headboard is actually a mirror with drawers and then it's got two. Oh, that. Is that it? Bigger than that.

Oh, bigger than that. Yeah. We can visualize it. Oh, what about that one? It's like a whole contraption they had. Like it was very. Oh, I see. I understand because that's what my first.

Because that's what my friend Alan had. His parents had a waterbed. But in behind it, there were cabinets and a mirror. And there was a mirror on the ceiling for some reason. I don't know. Yeah, these people had. Parents like, in my mind, I was like, what is that about? Like something, something kind of like that.

What is that? There you go. What do you mean? See that one right there? Yeah. Something kind of like that. Which one? All the way on the end.

That one. With the blue? Oh, you just. No, with that blue one. No, no. Go back with the arrow. Okay, like that. Like that.

Okay, like that. Like that. Okay. There's a micro rib above there. What the fuck is going on there? Man, there's a whole bunch of shit of it. It's like,

okay. What is it saying? Yeah. Rent a center? Who is it? Yeah. Wow. You never seen,

y'all never seen any. No, I think seen, I've seen, I've seen, I've seen, so there's, contrapses,

I don't have that at home. Up on the top, very tip top. Yeah. He used to hide tapes in the area. Yep. Right up in there.

Yeah. Now I used to claim. DVDs are. All of them. Okay. We didn't have these in the 80s. Laserd. Just VHS and all magazines.

The old film thing that they put the reel in. Real to real. Yeah. Real to real. You know what was funny too is it just was penthouse hustler. Yeah. He had a couple of Playboy, but Playboy.

Playboy was always weak. He wanted the... Yeah, he wanted the nasty. He wanted that and I showed it out. I said, I'm talking about this dude. Like father like son. You know, there you don't. You know, I don't.

Yeah, I don't. But, wow, so you, he hid in that backboard. Yeah. And also the couch behind the couch. Where are some other areas? Kitchen. Okay, so we had an- They had a kitchen behind a kitchen.

Oh, they did. Yeah, two kitchen. We had an entertainment system in the den. And it was underneath the shelf. It was just where you could just barely slide anything under there. Okay. So I just squeezed underneath there. There you go.

Yeah, like that. Like that. So it would be... You had to lift that whole thing. Way bigger than that. Okay. Like that. Like that.

Like that. Like that, but better. Okay. Okay. High level. Yeah. And it was underneath like that. And you had to lift that as a kid to get to it?

It was like, it was a space elevated enough off the floor where he could just squeeze them in and he would try to push him all the way to the back. But this guy... Yeah. You found it. Yeah. Wow. like, you know, excitement finding it too. Like, my dad's going to hide it and I'm going to find.

It's like, you know, it's a little game you're playing with your dad. It's like when you find Easter eggs. It's an Easter egg. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That's amazing. And what kind was it? Uh, it was, that's how I got into taboo.

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But then, once I start messing with the streets, I was getting it, eh, you know. Usually seven-year-olds are not getting late. Yeah. Well, I mean, there's a sex epidemic now with 20-year-olds, you know? I mean, it's bad. So they say. No, it's true. Who's polling that?

And who's saying yes or no? I think it's college campuses. Where could they get that? I mean, like, which college is? I mean, there's polls and stuff. People call. I know. I don't buy them.

Show me a poll. Show me the poll that kids are having less sex than ever. Because I don't buy it. Who would say yes? you'd lie wait wait wait the kids are having less sex yeah they say they are now the youth risk behavior

oh because they in their bankers are reporting lower rates of sexual activity than previous generation yeah could they lock the in on the the youth risk behavior survey 32 percent of high schools who's taking that imagine they go to your school like you just want to take a survey about sexual activity everyone would be like no fuck that so the people that said yes are the nerds

that aren't fucking so they're like no i i think you doc's right i think the dopamine hits right that normally kids would get are now exchanged with video games. No, I don't think it's dopamine. I think the fear of the internet is what's real. It's not the dopamine. We had dopamine hits.

I played duck hunt for a thousand hours of fucking day. Real talk. The problem is they're afraid of the internet of like a girl being saying something about them like Tommy Martin's cock is sideways then passing it around to everyone in school. Right. There's no community. There was no communicate. When we were kids, it was word of mouth and half of that shit was not true.

You know, like I remember this girl. They said that this older guy, we were, we were what, sixth grade. And they said an eighth grader, she poured syrup on his wiener and licked it off. And then in high school, someone asked her, she was like, we've never even hung out me in that guy. Yeah. But it was like, people just made up shit because they were like, yeah, I heard. My girl, there was a girl that's in my class. I forgot her name.

I feel so bad about that. But there was a rumor that she took three bonnies and put it in the microwave. And they exploded in her microwave. Right? And I remember at school, I went, Bunny killer. Slightly different topic. I know, but I'm just saying about it's good though. Yeah, this is real.

Yeah, there was a rumor, right? And I called her bunny killer, right? And then the teacher came up to me and yelled at me. It's like, you have no proof, you have no, you know? Yeah. These are just alleged, you know, allegations. But it sounded real. It sounded real.

And then if I saw her now, I'd be like, I know you didn't kill bunnies. Oh. Yeah. By the way, now she's doing it. After all those years. Yeah, maybe she was. Instead of putting them in a little.

the pot, she'd throw them in the mic. What was a big rumor in your high school that got around? A big rumor. That like everyone was saying. In high school. I'll tell you what our high school. Did they try to elect twin brother and sister prom king and prom queen? That was like the meanest thing ever.

Did that happen? Yeah. Yeah, I was never in the-taboo. Yeah. I was never even in the running. Were you in the running? For prom? Yeah.

No. Yeah, I wasn't even. No. Even the funniest guy in my high school was a guy named Matt Uwaita. Where's he at? I don't know, but, and I remember him getting the, you know. Prom king? No, he got, we had a funniest guy, like different like categories.

Oh, oh, oh, super. He got funniest guy, you know what I mean, in our class. And I remember in the yearbook, he had a front page, like a page, right? And I remember going, I'm so much funnier. What did you get? Nothing. I got nothing. He wasn't there enough.

You probably were absent a lot. Yeah, I missed junior year. Yeah. Rehab. Yeah. So it's kind of like you can't get voted in if you're not really around. Okay. All right.

What'd you get anything? I didn't get shit. Me either. I wasn't, uh, I was popular, but not like that. Most likely to go to the NBA. Imagine he was taller than everybody at one point. And they were like, man, Doc's, Doc is going to go, man. I actually made the JV team.

See? And I got kicked off. That's insane. Because they kept growing. Bye. Get your little ass. They come back from the summer. They come back from the summer.

They're like, damn, Doc. Just on your look, you look like a bowler. I do bowl. Yeah, yeah, he's nasty at bowling. Yeah, you know he's nasty at bowling. I bet you, do you roll a skate or no? Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah.

I would love to go to roller skate, basketball, football, somewhere to baseball. Everything where stuff is close to the ground. Yeah, that's what I love roller skating. I go by myself. Yeah, if I fall, it's way hurt. What is it close to the ground? Skydiving? What's the fucking time?

You're not jumping a lot. Basketball? That's too far for you. It'd be crazy if I was a poll voter or something. Yeah. You have any alien updates or anything? I'll tell you one. Tell me.

It doesn't have to be alien. You could just- Give me updates of your life. What's going on to your real life? Are you still working? No. I haven't worked in about two years. Hell you.

So right now I'm like in between us. I might pick up another job, depending on if I have this other project that might go through. And like a podcast? Like a podcast? No, no, no. This is acting. But I'm working on my stand-up more.

Good. I said I've been going back and forth to New York, so I want to go to New York this month. Good. And into this month and keep building the stand-up. I ain't really been doing too much or nothing. Just that and, you know, being with hanging out with my cousin, trying to give him some time.

Do you collect unemployment? No. Never. Why not? I did when I first left Amazon. Because you can't get it now. But Amazon, don't they have an unemployment program for as long as you work there? Don't you get benefits when you live?

leave. Yeah, I got those already. And you're done. Yeah, I'm done. How about this Wednesday? I do a belly room show. This Wednesday, it's New Joke night. You want to do it? In the belly room. Upstairs. Upstairs. Come do it. It's always packed. You guys, yeah. It's not him. It's my show, but I'll like, you know, Andrea Gin's on it. There's a bunch of people on it. Because, you know, I hate going to come. I know you do. But go come upstairs and do the belly room. I'm doing

brand new jokes. Best thing is you can sneak up the stairs and don't see anybody. Yeah. I'm cool. Come this Wednesday night, dude. I'll put you out. All right. Yeah. So you can get some rounds in, you know. Wait, what are you doing when you wake up in the morning? You eat.

Give me the routine, the dock routine. I wake up, I eat. What time? Check my email. What time is it? It's like seven, eight o'clock. In the morning. Wow.

Do that. Then I go walk the neighborhood around 11, 12 o'clock. Doing what? Stalking. Well, no, no. Prepping. It's called prepping. Oh, propping.

Roaming. It's called a mirroving from a distance. Cruising. Cruising. He's cruising. He's cruising. He peeping? Peeping?

Peeping. Peeping. Okay. All right. So you're walking around the neighborhood. So once you found your victim, then it's... No. No, so you're walking around the neighborhood.

Then I come home. And then I just chill at the crib. Make lunch? Yeah, and I might go do a mic or if I got a little small show to do or something like that. I do that. And I just talk on the phone and family and friends. I'm telling you, my life, my friend, they'd be like, man, your life is boring as hell. Stop calling me.

Yeah. Yeah, but it sounds. Very easy and nice. Man, because I'm 52, so what more can you really do? Like, I'm not a party, Hollywood drunk, you know, like Bob. I'm just... Sober almost five years. Almost, yeah, yeah, yeah, so...

That's good. That's insane. God damn proud of you. Yeah. But I'm 55 as well, so we're, you know, getting older. Maybe you're just slowing down physically. Yeah. Well, you know what I was going to say, though, is you're the only person that ever drink

and get fucked up and don't party. You've never heard of this guy. Like, partying anywhere happening? Who? This guy. I did it alone. Alone? Yeah.

He always liked it alone. I'm an alone private. In his hotel room. Yeah, I'm not one of those guys. I'm going to go to the bar or, you know. That's me. I love the bar. Yeah.

You do? I love a bar. He loves a bar. But how do you get drunk, like, fucked up alone? Like, is it like, what makes you just go, fuck it? Just me and I'm just going to. Because for me, it's like, it was always just hiding. Like, I knew what it was.

And it's me covering up feelings and not wanting to be here. And it's like, why would I do it in front of other people? You know, so doing drugs alone and drinking alone privately in my bedroom is my thing. God damn, that's depressing. It is depressing. You know, I remember when I was detoxing, I thought I was going to die the last time. And I was waiting for a room to open up at a place in Phoenix. But I, and I slept by the,

the doorway of the hotel because if I had died, then they just they can discover my body sooner. What the fuck, dude? You gotta be one of the most selfish motherfuck. Why? Why? People didn't walk in and see you fucking. No, I just

thought that, I felt like I was going to die. Oh, yeah? Right. You're right? I felt like I needed medical. Something. All right, forget it then. I'm sorry. It's like one of the most vulnerable things that have happened to be in the last five years. You think his death was like, was influenced by his need to be seen as a famous person?

Yeah. I want him to find me dramatically. Like on the ground. No. I don't feel well. No, I was just, I took a pillow. He's got a boa. All right.

Okay. Yeah. I just would sleep by the door with a pillow. How you feel now? I feel great. Yeah, I feel great. But I don't like the way you mocked me.

I just, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've told that story before. I've never had anyone laugh at it. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, that didn't seem like, but- we gotta get Doc to go to A. It's just laugh at every story. Yeah, it was just like my bottom.

It's so crazy. It's so crazy to hear a famous person's bottom. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. I wasn't in like a nice hotel? I was, it was okay. Yeah, it was a nice okay.

Very nice. He said, well, some poor kid in a third world country is like, I wish I could be at that. I'm very lucky. I'm very lucky that I got to stay in the nice hotel waiting for a room to open up at a rehab. I'm very lucky.

Privileged bottom. It's a privileged bottom, but for me it was my bottom. Yeah, that's the name of his new special, privileged bottom. Yeah, privileged bottom. Watch it now on Hulu. When does your special come out?

November? Yeah. November 1. I don't know. Yeah. Oh, for Hulu. Yeah. Oh, time. Probably should have been pulling out. Okay. Dude, you know what? We're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're pushing, but I like it. You should have fucking did it? Yeah, I did it already. Okay, well. He shot it already. I shot it already. I should have been done it. Yeah, yeah, but I already did it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's, I did it.

All the fans was looking for this. They've been looking for your shit. Yeah, and it's coming out. Why are you angry all of a sudden? I'm like, this guy, like, he's like one of the guys that just won't give the people what they want. It's like, fuck you. They've been wanting this shit for a long time, Bobby. It's like, drop this special, motherfucker. Even I don't want it.

I was like, why, Bobby? Yeah, but he wants to make it a real special. It's a special. A special special special. Oh, this one is dear to your heart. I didn't know. Get it out. Get it out.

I like it. Get the frustrations out. It's not frustration. Yeah. What is it? In vino veritas. And wine there is truth. Well, it's, it's, it's, uh, admiration.

Yeah, he admires you. You admire me. Yeah, it's a comic. You, you're funny dude, bro. Like Kevin Spacey in the movie seven. But you know what I want to do? I admire you from afar. You're in here, I mean, become wrath.

That's the wrong. Remember? That's what it sounds like. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what's coming out? A little psychotic. It's called finally. You've already done what?

Three? Five. No, I've done, I've done three. Three. Yeah. How did you feel about this one? I don't know. I saw it a couple times.

I go, I can't watch it again. You guys, I get, you know, I told the producers, just whatever. Just cut my laugh out a lot. Oh, you. So, you're. You're going to New York. So are you going to go try to live in New York? No, no, no, no.

I'm just going to just, I've just been going back to forth over the past year. Where are you staying when you go to New York? In the hotels. Oh, you don't stay with like a friend or anything? Nah. There's two hotels or just one? I do like three or four, about almost a month out there. Just one.

That's got to be several hotels. So expensive. It is. Why don't you just stay with a friend? There's got to be comics. Well, I got family, but the problem is, is I like to just be in outgone. Now, the last time I stayed with, you know, Lee, Syatt, that does.

the podcast. He used to do Joey Diaz's show. Yeah, yeah. They still do. Oh, yeah. Together. So I was staying with him the last time I was there. In Jersey.

No, in New York. Oh, he lives in the city. Yeah, he just recently got married to... Slipped on the couch. Yeah. You could sleep like that? Well, I could have slept in a bed. I had the whole apartment to myself because he has this...

Why he's so defensive? I didn't know he had a spare bed. Maybe he could have. Yeah, but I didn't sleep in his bed. It's weird. Even though I was going to sleep in a bed. What? Because you never know.

I know he probably washed, but sleeping in another man's jizz is weird. You know what I mean? Yeah, well, yeah. Oh, you're assuming a lot, but yeah. You think you knew Inspector Gadget was coming to sleep over, so he left some clues for it? You're like, Warfare. Black Inspector Gadgett. Yeah.

Worst part. Oh, look, that's you, Doc. Yeah, he's got a gun. Some porn, some money. This is great. Got the vino in one hand. Yeah, the vino right there, yeah. Will he find his bitches?

That would be a good look for you. Yeah. Yeah. Where my bitches? Wow. I'm out here inspecting, man. Yeah. Could you become a detective, you think?

You know what? I recently just tried to apply for being a police dispatcher because I just wanted to see if I can do it. I failed the whole motherfucker's time. I failed that shit. Wait, wait. How's that hard? No, you just answer the phone?

No, no, no, no. Like, so when they bring you in, they give you all recordings, right? So it's all emergency calls. It's like, yeah, such and such. But it's like so much shit going on at once and you got to try to memorize this shit. All right. I'm calling in. Hello?

Hey. Fired. You're fired. That's what I'm trying to tell you. You're fired, dude. 911. What's your memory? emergency. Yeah, yeah, do that. Ready go.

Trying to tell you. 9-1-1, go ahead. What, so? You start. 911 in emergency. My cat is stuck in a- No, I'm the guy. You're the fucking... You're the guy. I see why you failed this test. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm the guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the 911. How may I help you? What's your emergency? What's your emergency? It's like the literal... Yeah, the little thing, yeah. Yeah, this is not good. I came home. I came home and my parents, they're not breathing. Would you guys just relax? I'm always on the other side getting rest.

So I wouldn't know the fucking call. What are you talking about? My parents are not alive. Let me see the test. They put the test online. Yeah. How they don't. It's like if it's, if it is online, whoever put that up, they're going to get arrested.

What was the, what was the test like? The test is all recordings. So you listen to a recording. And then you have to jot down the information that's happening. And you have to make sure you take the most crucial points. And then they do a multiple choice question. And you failed those. I failed.

Okay, here's some, right? But wait a minute, what I'm confused about is, don't, can't, you, they're writing stuff down. Aren't they in a computer while they're on the call? You can hear them. They're typing the names, addresses. So why would you have to memorize it? Because you got a, it's when, when you're under pressure. Right, you have to be able to retain the information.

Yeah, and you have to know what points to take. Yeah, yeah, you're doing. Yeah, pick up the phone. But-da-one-9-1-1-9-1 is a joke in your town. That's a mile already failed. Yeah, yeah. My family's dead. Okay. I'll do it.

911. What's your emergency? Hi. Yeah. My son just broke into the house and he shot my brother and my mother in law and they stole my dog. Three of our dogs, they stole kibbles, whiny, and poops me. And he's wearing a black. I'm so sorry, poops to me. What is that? Poobs me was the name our four-year-old gave. Our four-year-old is in the house too. He's upstairs. He's trapped. Gabe is your brother. Please come back fast. Please come. Bye. Is Gabe your brother? They're gone. I'm the cop. Ready? Yeah. All right, emergency. What's going on? Oh, a man called, you know what I mean? And the brother, broken in the house, shot the brother named Gabe. Stuck in there.

Gabe? Yeah, and there's animals. How many? A couple. What are their names? I don't know. I didn't know this was going to be this kind of test. That's what he had to do.

I didn't have to do. That's what you had to do. Is that my dream? It's just like, why is that your dream? Don't yell at the cop. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. That's my dream, though.

I just put in an application. I didn't even think they were going to call me. And they called like, come on there. And I was like, what the fuck? They need people. They need people. That's a tough gig. That's a tough one.

You're listening to sad shit all day. I can't do it. It's too traumatic. You know what I do? I told them, be my eyes. I do be my eyes. You know, be my eyes this? It's great.

Look up, be my eyes. My friend Hillary signed me up for it. It's an app where blind people call you and they say like, hey, can they show you, they're facetiming you. And they go, hey, man, what am I looking at? Like, my last one was a guy working in his. garage and he was like hey what part is this is this and like what size is this what is this what is telling him what the parts were they were in front of him that he needed that's

not the same thing this is bullshit what do you mean I'm how no you help you help these blind mechanic well no is a man just fixing something in his garage yeah call IKEA call IKEA they'll bring over so they'll come and help you yeah this it's not landing this is a good thing this is a very good thing so a blind person yeah You guys are, you guys are dumb. You didn't say a blind person. Yes, I did. You did?

Okay, tell me again. The first thing out of my fucking mouth. Blind people. I think they should call it something else. Be my eyes. Yeah. Pretty literal. No, no, eyes without a face.

Eyes without a face. Eyes without her face. No, it's great because blind people, if people, if you don't know. Yeah. They're blind. Not that most people that are blind can't see anything. That's like a common misnomer. It's not like you see blackness.

That's actually super rare. So they see, but they can see distorted. So a woman called me and goes, hey, which bag of vegetables am I holding? I can't tell which one this is. You can't chat chaget. Shout out to Nate and hurt. How is Chant Chepti can tell her what it is? Because you can take a foggut.

What kind of vegetable is this? I don't know. Maybe she doesn't want to use Chatsy. They use B my eyes. Okay. So I be my eyes a lot. I like that. That I do.

They call and it goes, blah, blah, blah. Someone's calling. They can't do, be my ears. They can't do that. That wouldn't work. That wouldn't work. No. So that failed.

That failed. Yeah, yeah. So what else are you trying for? I got 49 out of 79. I was supposed to get 79. You had 49 out of 79? The test was out of 79. No, 79 was just a pass.

I got 49 on it. That doesn't sound bad. I left a whole, because when the recording came on, I left the whole section. By the way, he goes, I got 49 out of 79. And I'm like, that doesn't make sense. You got 49 out of 100. But I just tried to make it better.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you're asshole. I know. When he said seven and I go, what a weird, what an innocuous number. 49 of 100 is wild. They give you like 30 putting your name on it. Yeah, I think so. It was like the recording was so fast.

It's rapid. And they tell you, they say, hey, you're not going to get everything just jot down what you can. So it goes from slow and then it goes progressively like just to that goddamn top speed. Were there people in there taking it with you at the same time? Yeah. It was like 50. Did any of them pass, do you know? It's got to be a few.

It's got to be a few. It's got to be a few. If you're a. That's how many people do you think auditioned? I'm going to be honest. Like, I didn't even want the job. Audition. Did you meet the director?

Please slate, please. Yeah. How many people interviewed at the same time you did? Took the test. It wasn't. It's just about 50 people. So 50 and you think there'd be two come out. I would say one or two get it.

Yeah. Yeah. It's got to be someone that's. really good at like retention and regurgity. What if 40% caught it? The chick next to me was so fast. 50% maybe half. Maybe half.

The chick next to me was so fast, I said she's just doing, she's just writing shit down. There's no way. But if she was that fast, she passed. I said, this chick passed. Maybe she did. Yeah. If you're a fan of ours and you do 911 operator, please, by the way, 911 operator is so funny. They're listening to our show instead of taking calls.

Please let us know down below. Reach out to call us on the booth at gmail.com. We want to hear your story. I would love to hear. You don't I mean, I'd love to. 100% that there's a 100% that there's. some 911 operators out there. That's a fan of your show.

You know who I think our biggest contingency of fan in? What? By far. Huh? People who call 911. No. Okay.

Okay. Probably, but... It's very good. Yeah, that's very good. Drivers. I passed a typing test. Drivers. Oh, there's a typing test there.

Yeah. That's how I got to the next phase. How many words per minute? I think I typed 43 and you only had to do like 30 and five. That's good. Then you thought, oh my God, I got this. You got to be able to type in Big Buck, Dot com quick.

Below 40 is not good. So you just got it. You just got it. 40 to 50 is average, 60 is good and 80 is advanced. Yeah. Yeah. I'm 20. I got to be 20.

Can you type? I voice text. Yeah. I don't even fucking time. Like David Spade. Hold on. We do a lot. Yeah, like Spade.

Huh? Typing wasn't a curriculum or must. Yeah, when we were in high school. In high school. Oh, yeah. So you should know how to type. I don't know the numbers, though. I don't remember what mine was because I just did whatever they needed.

I think if I want to know with a T and the H-R, right, and I have my index fingers on those, I think I can do it. Oh, no, I can type like this, yeah. You don't need. Well, you know the home roll keys, though. Yeah, yeah, A-S-E-F-L, whatever the thing. Yeah.

I know. No, he doesn't type. Yeah. T-E-Hunts and P-E-F-A-U-A-N-T. He does this. F-L-A-U-A-N-T. I think he can do it. And then he goes, ah.

Fuck. Yeah. Delete, delete, delete, delete. Yeah. The hunting. Yeah. You guys know how to type? You know the home roll keys?

Yeah. Okay. What about you, Carlo? I mean, I know how to type, yeah. Yeah, I can't like list the keys by from me. A.S.D.FL. What is it? I don't know.

Yeah. Here's a question for you guys. Would you do NeuroLink in the future? Oh, yeah. 10 years from now. I don't know what it is, but I'll do it. Chip implantation in your brain. Oh, fuck yeah.

You? Uh, sure. I'm doing all of it. I don't care. Yeah. I don't have kids. I don't know. Why not?

I'm not valuable. I'll be the first guy to do it. I'm not a valuable guy. I can get out of here and no one would it, it's fine. Yeah, put it in my head. 10 years from now, that's why I said. It'll be way more. What if the wrist thing?

Isn't that funny? Everyone in this room is childless except for you. You would never do it. I wouldn't do this. See what I mean? And Carlos, would you do it? No, too early. 10 years?

10 years are going to be so advanced. In 10 years, it doesn't even seem, I don't know. They don't seem like a long time. How far we've gone in 10 years from now. Yeah. Think about 10 years ago and how far we've gone from then, to now and then it's exponentially getting faster every year. We can't even predict 10 years could be insane.

I think in 10 years. Also remember that AI is also a big contributor to the technology advancement. Oh, I see. So now, would you do it? Probably not still on it. What's the hesitation? I wonder.

I already got something on my head, surgically put. Oh, you don't want to fuck up your hair. Yeah. Ah. We're going to have to go through that. And they do Neurlink now for people with hair transom. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. They have different.

He got his hair done. Ain't shit there. What were you really got something down? It's worth it. When did you get it down? Come here and show him up close. He can tell up close. Two months ago.

It just started. Two months ago. It takes a long time, but he gets there. Look at it. Let me see what you got there. It's going, dude. Look at how much better that looks. Well, I would face him forward.

Yeah, there. Yeah. Look at that. Look at how much is there. Okay. Yeah, I touch it, but. This is the weird. Yeah, I've never touched it.

I never touched it. Yeah, yeah. You want to touch it? Yeah, I could touch it. Give you consent. Who's gonna tell him, fellas? Who's gonna tell him what? Yeah.

Yeah, it's like cheap hair. It's only good wine. Yeah. We'll get your money back. Yeah. It was free. It was free. Yeah.

Oh yeah? Yeah, that's what you get one. Do you feel? Do you feel the confidence coming back? Or how do you feel? No, I forget about it all the time. It'll be a couple months. He was confident when he was bald.

It didn't matter. That's what I like about there. It never mattered to him. Fuck. Ever. Would you get it done? Plugs? Yeah.

Nah, I'm gonna go on here and just. Yeah. But you shave your head anyway. Yeah. I mean, I don't shave it, but... I'm saying you butt... You wouldn't call it. You have nice...

Cut it short. Yeah, I cut it today. Yeah. So my shit is like... Wait, who cut your hair? Me. You cut your own. Yeah.

I used to be a barber. I didn't tell you. God damn! I don't surprise it for you motherfuck. He was everything. Baker, barber. Anything. Candlestick maker.

Isn't it hard for you to line yourself up, though? Isn't that what they say? No? No, not as, my eyesight isn't as. Because I got to tell you, one side is higher than the other. Yeah, but my hair don't grow like straight. Everybody's. I know, I know, I know.

I know. It's a little cricket that I can see from here. But that's okay, though. It looks good, though. I'm on top. So you line your shit up in the mirror. Yeah. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. Do you have a, do you have like a template to line up? Do you put on your head? You've seen this when people put the, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. Not a bowl, but you know what I mean? They have like, they have guards and guides now

so you can line up yourself. You never seen this? Amateurs. Oh, okay. Rookies. I'm a seasoned vet here. Okay. Well, you got the-

It looks good, I never noticed. The leading tower of peas up there. This plane is might not be blended, like I used to blend it, but. You're doing it wrong. They do say it's hard to do on your own because it's in the mirror. That's got to be tough. Look at that fade for beginners. Well, if you take a three shaver, like, you know, I mean, whatever they,

they, level three? I don't know what that means. Oh, you mean the, the clip. The clip number. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And you just do it. Why would that not work?

No, no, he has to line up the line, the hairline. I'm using ones and no gurs. I'm deep in a trench. We're talking, not the whole head. We're talking about lining up his hair line. Yeah, right here. Okay. Right here.

Black guys get their edges. You edge your line. Oh, I wouldn't edge it. Yeah, yeah. No, you're an edger. You get your shit, too. Look at your beard. Yeah, yeah.

We'll have a barber. You know, because I have a little bit of flavor, doc. Not about that ball spot in the middle on the back, but not. Wow, he's strong. Wow. A lot of shade. You give this guy a bottle of Josh and he's... Oh, better.

You're a hater. Yeah, yeah. Wow. You'll be hate on me. Yeah. You're all being on you. No, we love you. I'm not dating on you.

What you do? Did you get... I go, we need Doc today. Oh, I ain't desperate. Yeah, yeah. You did? I did. Okay.

Because I just today I was doing other podcasts. I was a brain fried. How do y'all do you? It's so hard. Bouncing in the park? I don't like it. Yeah, it's hard. I barely like doing this shit.

Thank you, bro. Yeah, thank you. You're welcome. Like when you get the call, do you go, fuck? No, yeah. Sometimes, but I'll tell you why. You two are very gifted. I don't think you guys really,

well, maybe you do know, because that's why you're rich. But let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. You two go do the way that you do voices and accents and shit. Like, even when I came on here, I was like, I don't.

Hey, how you doing? I'm Jimmy Smalleyes. Stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. What the fuck that was? Is that the gift you're speaking? But it's just, but even in the character work that you two do,

it's funny, it's believable. Yeah. And it just crosses. It can be. It can be. Sometimes it's a struggle. I think it's our little play place.

This is where we get to like, fucking goof. It's like our little goof. It's a goof room. I see the same two dudes on stage, though, because I grew up with you guys. Yeah. No, I know you mean, we are, yes.

We get, yeah. No, you're right. Well, because, what? No, I don't know. Yeah. I mean, we're polar opposites in many ways. Very, a lot. Yeah.

Yes, of course. He is more alpha. Except our comedic dials seem to be on this. It's like, what's that thing? Duncan Truzzle loves it. You know, the thing that's like, shout out to D. I love that, dude.

You know, he has that like, it's like electric, it's like electric waves between your hands and it like, do you know I'm talking about? Of course. I don't know the name of Zalophom. Zalamom. I don't know what it's called. But I mean, like, you can have these different sounds

and they're so different, but somehow they like blend well. That's like him and I were like two different... We're two different frequencies, but for... Right, xylophone, right, or no? No, no, no. It's like with a hand. It's like with your hands. Yeah, what do you call that?

That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you call that? Let me... Isn't that wild as fuck? Yeah. His right hand, though. I know, you're doing that with taboo.

I know. Oh, be nice. Guys, he has Parkinson's. That has nothing new with the music. Oh, God, you're the... Yeah. It's beautiful, is it not? You've heard that in music.

Atherman? You're using two electrical... Wait, wait, wait, whoa, wait, boy, boy. Yeah. There is no strings. It's all because of electric... So it's the currency from his hand to the... Yeah, it's the current.

You're interrupting the current. Oh, okay. You're even no pop this. No, I've never even seen. Yeah. Have you heard of a didgeridoo? What year was this even? Well, what year was the Theraman invented?

Probably in the 60s, 50s, I don't even know. It's a cool instrument. Because he's doing the fucking theme song from... When is it from 1920? 1920, dude. From fucking... That was somewhere over the rainbow. Yeah.

Yeah. Ooh. What? Tapu! Yeah. You were in that movie, Wizard of Oz. Yeah. Was it?

Lollipop kid. You weren't Toto? Yeah, I would Toto. A little black bastard. At least he wasn't telling him out the flying monkeys because then I'll be. I would. Brother, I'm not going to go there. I'd be the scarecrow, I think.

You can go there because you know what? Because you have no heart? That's a tin man. No, no, I have a... Scarecrow has no soul? No brains. No brains. Yeah, I'm totally scared of.

You're the no brains. Yeah. What am I then? I'm probably... Not the cowardly line. Oh, I'm the man behind the curtain. I'm the wizard. Yeah, you're the wizard.

Yeah. And you're Toto. That would be me. Yeah. I would be the guy behind the curtain. No, no, no. No, because of my voice. Because remember he had that powerful as...

Let me hear it. Open the curtain and it's like, little bitch, you know? Yeah, the Wiz was a black, Wizard of Oz, no? Yeah. That's the Wiz. Yeah.

That's the Wiz. The Asian one wouldn't work because of the Yellow Brick Road. We'd disappear. Well, Toto would only been for one scene, that's for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The Tin Man, right? It would say Made in China. It would break He breaks right away. Right away. Yeah. And then sing. Yeah.

And then scene. Yeah. And see. Yeah. The movie would be five minutes long. Yeah. In the Whiz. The Yulebock Road. It was Martin Luther King Boulevard that the Yellowbird wrote.

Good. Yeah. All right, we got to go. Doc, looking at the camera. Sign off for us. I love you. Hey, love y'all. Thank you all for checking all bad friends.

We'll see y'all soon. No, that's not what it is. Thank you for bringing a bad friend. Oh, all right. Always fuck it up. Yeah. You got it. All right.

Thank you all for being a bad friend. I'm standing every day. You give a beautiful voice. I'll report her in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with the broken smile. It's the piano talking. And she will. And she will be like.