Bad Friends - Rudy Burns The Cookies

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

*NEW MERCH* https://badfriendsmerch.com YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Get Tickets to See Santino's Last Days on the Road 0:45 Bobby's New Dog Can Sense Bad Vibes 5:25 Idris Alba Is The Spring Solider 12:16 GaTa Gives Rudy Some Dating Advice 19:10 Who Loves Burnt Cookies? 23:27 Bobby's Unusual Symmetrical Balls & The Bartholin Gland 33:33 Santino's Obsession with Heinz Beanz Filled with Hash Browns 41:43 Pray v Predator  57:03 The Best Grave Robbers 1:10:32 Bobby's Wes-P's 7-tier Cup Challenge  More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, I got some dates coming up. I'm filming my special in Denver, September 24th Also, I'm gonna be in Salt Lake City September 9 and 10 that I'm doing Bray on the 13th I'm doing Minneapolis and Madison, Wisconsin 1617 then September 24th I'll be in Denver filming my special the Paramount Theater go to Andrew Santino com for those tickets Andrew Santino Dot-com for those tickets Bad friends Happy birthday. Happy birthday to Jules. Nothing. Happy birthday to Jules. You're back in the studio

Happy birthday birthday birthday. Hey, did you all welcome back? I heard you guys got another dog. I Didn't get it. Well, you're there to your house Yeah, it's just like it just shows up like the cones from my trees in the back cones Yeah, like I have pine cones in the trees and they fall right? It did they just show up the owl that hangs out in the pine cone tree Oh, oh, oh, right. He just should be showing up dog all day every day without no no invites proud And that's why that's why this dog no invite nothing all of us in this kujo in my fucking house Right. I can't go into certain rooms, right? And then these bitches

Sorry for my language. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah. These bitches these bitches right are like if you don't you know They go don't you know touch it or say hi to her or look because you know pit bulls They don't like you history shows But when you put up that kind of shows what with koreans or him no because we but um fostered other pit bulls And every one of them growled at the to bobby Well, maybe it's the dog. Maybe it's the breed of dog in natto bobby exactly My breed is pure. He is pure. I'm pure breeze pure broad fat pure broad. Yeah, I'm pure broad. You're pure broad That's blood. I know but pure broad. Did you have to do that?

Well, because it is pretty good up You're pure. I'm pure. You are pure. So the pit bull is wrong. No, but his energy is wrong. No, it's not really Let me say something right now. Okay. I'm sorry my bad. All right. Let me kind of may I may I do? Yeah Yeah, what I'm saying. Where was this pit bull for the last 10 years? In the crate in in a in a in a cage. Yeah, right? No human contact. Where guatemala Why guatemala? I don't know. I feel like I keep my instinct said guatemala too. Yeah, my instinct said that too dog We're connected, dude. So where we're in guatemala. What city guatemala was it?

um In No, what pisco. Oh, no, what pisco no pisco guatemala That's got to be the one of the toughest parts of guatemala. I've ever heard of. Yeah, you know what they do down there What? You don't seriously they pull your toenails off one by one if you don't pay your bills And then in the streets they make you get naked and you sing a crazy song. I don't have monies I don't have money and then they clap at you and they spit on you and that's how that it's crazy down there

Clothes with chiclet chiclet. Right. It's not I hate that. I hate been there that gum In tiwana, that's all they sell is chiclet. Yeah, chiclets. You know what I mean? There's no flavor Yes, Bobby and I both been to guatemala. We love it toward comedy down there. Yes We there's a bunch of good gigs out. There's actually a couple of good clubs down there So this this dog has been like in prison for 10 years gets out growls at me a christian A god-fearing god-fearing christian with a foundation of glory Right, and you're saying that I'm the wrong one. Yeah, you're yeah because dogs can sense bad vibes

So maybe you have something Oh, yeah, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah. Yeah bad vibes got good vibes Maybe your dog has bad vibes like why doesn't he growl at me or at the client because I'll tell you why because evil knows evil boom boom right if Hannibal Lecter, right and fucking buffalo bill Are together. They're having a great time. They know each other very well. There's no well work No one's gonna go go in the well, right? But they do that to the good people. That's right Right, so I'm the good one in this storybook. So you guys are evil. You're the little the triangle the pentagogram pentaphagram What is that called pentagram? What the pentagram pentatagram? You're the pentatagram

Yeah, but you're the pentatagram of evil. Yeah, you are the axis of evil you You anti Kalila and the pup. Yeah, and you know what? Yeah We're done. I'm done with the two. We're done. Kalila is Nazi Germany. That's right. You're Mussolini in Italy, right? And the dog is fucking japan. Yep. That's what it feels like to me entire country of japan Yeah, not like now not back then right now japan now in japan. Yeah. Yeah, you're japan 2022 So what i'm saying is is that you right? No No, right that i'm pure-blooded and and and my heart is good. That's right and the dog is evil, correct? Okay

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the dog's name? Um, it's bucky Yeah, I kind of like it why bucky's a nice name for a guy. It's a good name Yeah, I guess so come here bucky. Yeah bucked out Isn't that isn't that captain america's buddy? Yes winner soldier winner social bucky, right? Yeah, I like it. I like that character Wait the winner soldier. Yeah, his name bucky. No his friend. Oh his buddy. Yeah, I know winner soldier I know Sebastian stan was a so was our summer soldier. No I mean, they should have both soldiers, right? They should do both the next captain america should be summer soldier. You know spring soldiers gay. Yeah

Hey, hey, you know what time of the year it is my shield is so shiny Spring soldier. Yeah, such bright colors beautiful. Yeah winner soldier though. Yeah, what does summer soldier look like? Summer soldier is um, they're wearing what they do in um That it's got to be like a bro. Summer soldier has got to be like there's no armor. It's just all in white You know what I mean? It's like that one movie that before labor day Was that one movie with the call to the um the guy that did the hereditary? Uh midsomer midsomer Yeah, that's a summer soldier. Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah, who's the fall soldier?

The fall soldier It's leaves. It's dark. It's ominous rainy. It's really cold. Halloweeny. Yeah Idris Alba. Why? I don't know And I think you're trying to corner me just do something racist But I just it just I'm cornering you like Guatemala like Check it out. I'm cornering you right now like Guatemala getting smaller. I know, but what about the fall is so dark? By the way Idris Alba flawed could do any fucking do whatever he wants

So he could be the fall soldier He's the fall soldier because you know what Idris Alba does make me think about um cuddling up and feeling warm I agree with you Look up Idris Alba in a turtleneck. Watch this. Yeah, watch this Fucking boom Tell me that's not the fall soldier. That's the fall soldier for sure. And that's why I said it Right, but I feel like question me when I said cuddling up and keeping warm and that's exactly what I thought about But what when you said that though? I just imagine like if he's spooning me

And it gets too hot and I want to scoot away. I feel like he won't he's too strong He's like no look at his arms. No, mate. No, no, my no my can't scoot out You know, I mean, I'm sweating closer then fall soldier. I'm sweating closer then We're gonna fucking hot this guy that guy is so fucking hot. Do you find him hot? Really hot. Oh god, but have you ever made let me let's let's get to the facts Why let's get to the facts I'm a factual this show is about facts. It's about facts. Yeah, not a black guy in there because I'm still

Trying to find them What do you mean? Well, you've never seen them before. They're everywhere. They don't they don't like me Interesting. Yeah, it's what you give out. Yeah, that's your vibe, but I thought black men like Asians They do not your kind. Not your kind. Yeah, your kind is bad. You're bad. Yuck gross. You're bad. Although tiger woods mom was that type Yeah, that's true. Isn't that true? Yeah, I'm just trying to get to the facts here. Yeah, yeah Coltilda woods that looks like a part of your family Cattilda what her name was cattilda? Yeah, that's kind of a cool name. Yes. So black dudes do like that type of Asian. I guess they do they do. Yeah

I've never seen a black guy with like a Porcelain skin Korean girl. No Yeah, no, no, I haven't actually I think what would happen is if they made love to him They would just implode maybe you think They don't just have the because they're so bony, right? You know what Korean girls. No. No. Is that Rudy? Yeah, Rudy, that's Rudy. That's you for sure in a couple 30 years from now. Yeah, that's Rudy. That's you for sure My god, dude. That is you. That's you. Look at that Well, then maybe we should get you to date a black guy. Are you still with your guy? Yeah. Yeah, he's out of town

He's out of town though. Oh, so you're free Wow Who do we know that she could date? Well, she's in a committed relationship with now. I know but if a good black guy comes along we'll have to sneak out of it Oh, right. Well, we know some she said that you know what I would like Willie Willie hunter Willie hunter. Oh, okay. He's nice. Yeah. He's nice. Yeah. Yeah, Willie hunter. Yeah, um, here you go. Smart What do you think of this one? Cool dude works a lot If you're on a look at look at this one. Look at him. Yeah, okay. All right, but if you're on a date with a

Black guy, um, careful. Do you have to like no tread softly like, um Like they're like keep going. Go ahead. If you're on a date with a black guy. Do you have to what like? No, they're like Um commit to it like They're what is this yo-yo? Yeah, I mean house party thing you're doing. Oh, that's what I think What are you kidding play? What the fuck are you doing here? Have you ever had any black friends? No, that's the problem

Can we start there? We got to start there. Let's start there. Let's get you a black friend We got to get you a black friend. You understand that obviously not every black person is going to what is this thing? You think they're going to do Like they're just going to say some slang words. Why do you keep doing this with your hands? Yeah? Yeah I don't know. Yeah, I don't I won't understand it and they'll think I'm not cool. Yeah. Yeah, what wouldn't you understand? They're speaking your language. You're both speaking English because of that Oh the hand stuff. Yeah, you think they're speaking a language. You're not like a yo And then you're like

Yo, baby You know and you're like what? You know, you know No, no, yeah Is that what you think is gonna happen and then there's some hand gesture that you're gonna have to like read like their sign language Mm-hmm. They're not they're just expressive. Okay. Uh, and and not all of them. They're all very different. They're all different Just like all Filipinos are different. All Koreans are different. Well, that's not true all All Koreans are kind of the same

It's funny you say that the more the more Koreans I meet the more I go these guys are all identical Last night I shot with my dumbfounded. I'm doing this movie and we he goes Let's go to cafe blue, which is like a Korean bar So I went there with them and it looked like I was in the house of mirrors I sort of got I look at house of mirrors out of fucking, you know, I mean fairground. Yeah Like it was like, oh, there's fat version of me little version of me. There's me wiggly with me I saw wiggly me last night. You did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Dude that movie is stacked

You sent me a picture It was like 10 people I know in that fucking you should be in it It's amazing. You should have been in it and it's it's your buddy who sober wrote it. Yeah Yeah, what's it about? Did you tell me so it's about sobriety? Yeah, well, I'm not sober. So that's not Dude, everyone's smoking weed. What are you talking about on set? Oh, really? I mean, they're high But is stevo in it? No, I thought you said steve Johnny got Knoxville. Oh Knoxville's in it. Yeah, Johnny is the lead Okay, so Johnny Knoxville you my boy gata from Dave, dude. Oh, by the way, I have to apologize to him

But all right, so why what happened? I'll do it later. No, do it right now Um, you know how sometimes I don't know how to read a situation. Oh, yeah Yeah, and so you know how sometimes I get kind of gay. Uh-huh. Yeah, he's not the right guy to do that. That's right Yeah, I fucked it up. Yeah. Yeah. I just I've been saying shit like man You're skinny tall guy man. Your dick must be so long and gorgeous. Oh, yeah He's like and he just he it's almost as if he ran over somebody Like he's like trying to process it And he's just kind of like did I you know what I mean? Like it's not good. Yeah, don't say that to him

You know, I keep going like yeah, I'd like to ride you You know something like you know what this is a good time to call gata. Yeah. Yeah. I should call him right now Yeah, I'm gonna apologize on the show. I'm not gonna apologize. I'm not I'm not gonna apologize for me being me I'm just saying that next time Yo Gata gata, you're uh, you're on my podcast with me and bobby lee bobby wants to say what's up. What's up gade? Oh, yeah, what up bobby lee what's the deal? Yo, dude So, um, yesterday, did you think I was it being a little too gay in front of you or no?

Were you weirded out by that shit? You are the asian david bird, bro. You're like fucking the asian little dickie. So you're like the asian little dickie, bro Oh, that's a good thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're you're a little dickie. I didn't I you can never be too gay, man I love to see you I thank you so much for giving me the green light All right g see all is good now and then g you got to do me a favor Um, yo, so rudy who's on our show is a little a filipino girl. She's 20 years old She's in the dating scene and she's never dated a black dude and she's afraid

Uh, that they won't like her. She needs a boost of confidence from you Oh, yeah, come on, man. You know black guys, man. We like every day. We real humble, you know, I'm saying down the earth You know, I'm saying different flavors any any tips persuasion. Hey, remember that you got the asian persuasion You have the asian persuasion. Yeah, but she doesn't have a bubbly butt. It's like more bony. She's very bony Hey, it ain't about the body, man. It's about your knowledge, man. It's about your personality. You know what I'm saying? She doesn't have personality either. No, no personality. Kind of a problem. Yeah, that's a problem Oh, yeah, well, that means you just need to be led, man If you don't got no personality, man, just follow a real diggly

Did you understand that? No, all right. Yo, gata. I love you bro. I'll talk to you soon Love you buddy. See you monday. All right g peace He's the best. He's a good dude. So he's in it. Um, mo amers in it. Oh, yeah, I know mo. Yeah, great guy Yeah, yeah, great guy. Um There's this. Oh, dude. There's this fucking kid in it, man. His name is fucking adam phase on. He's like A fucking prodigy atom phase on a prodigy actor. This gentleman right here. Yeah Wonderful, dude. This kid is a fucking prodigy

In what term? What do you mean? It's just like, you know how like we're all you know Theo's Vaughn's in it. So we're all sitting around me Theo. You know what I mean? Theo will say lines when it's not even his turn to speak. That sounds right. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, everyone's fucking around. Everyone's like, what is it like? This dude is in the corner Getting into the character. So he's a real actor. Yeah, and he walks on and he has tears in his eyes and he's being so real And everyone's just calling. Oh fuck. We should fire this guy. He's obviously been trained. Yeah, he's a trained dude This fucking guy. Can we see his uh, does he have like a bio or something like that? He's new man. He's new So he's a fucking prodigy. Has he done anything?

He's a fucking prodigy, dude. Well, shout out to adam adam phase on. It's awesome. And he's from poway Is he really? Yeah. Yeah. You go to poway hot? Yep. Wow. We're the same people, but uh, is he on the poway alumni page? No, you better believe he's not There's only one guy in this room. So anyway, the movie is uh, we're doing it. What's it called? Sweet dreams Yeah I'll give you a thousand dollars I'll give you a thousand dollars. Tell me who wrote that. No

seven seas Everybody come on. Look maybe they do say doing a Filipino accent. Maybe she'll know it By the way, Pete's still bobbing his head. He likes it. He likes it in both versions international and he's gonna be a thousand dollars If you can guess who that is a thousand dollars Well, there's another but so let's do another um song by them There's a bunch of different versions of that song by the way You could have named anybody that did that song that song's been sung by multiple different bands covered. I should say What's another uh, so it's a band

Don't don't type in it. Don't type in it. Don't tell what you're typing it in for He almost typed it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm gonna try to figure out another song that they sing Well, it's not she's never gonna know. Yeah, I think so. She knows a song that like here we go. There's another one You know that song though, don't you? Yeah I don't know that In the Can we do an album? I'm serious. Can we do a bad friend's album? What? I didn't know the lyrics doesn't matter Why is it an asian accent for you to understand it? It's for you. It's for you. What are you talking about?

I'm catering it for you Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry tto bobby's doing you a favor, right? You're awfully selfish, but you bring in a new dog Yeah, you don't like when he's helping you get we we're trying to get you black dates. Yeah, we're doing everything for you on this show When is the dog gonna leave? When is the dog? What is the dog gonna leave? By the way, the dog is a metaphor for you What are you gonna leave? What are you gonna leave? The dog is gonna leave at the end of the month Uh, what about you? I don't know yet. Okay. That's yeah, that's she's never gonna move out

You know, she's living there for the rest of time Yeah, um, I I'm not giving you guys pressure to leave Well her specifically for sure. Yeah, I'm saying you to leave you need to leave. Why? Yeah, because we've had enough. We've had enough. We never see each other in the house. It doesn't matter. He smells you Yeah, and can I just say this to just off the record, right? Um, in the Philippines when you cook a cookie, do you cook it to the point where it's just black charcoal? Um, sometimes because we like it. No, be honest. What the fuck is going on with your cookies? I don't know. I followed the instructions. It said 15 minutes and then after 15 minutes

It was burnt, right? So then I told you to fucking do another batch. Yeah, and it wasn't burnt. It was burnt. No All right. It was burnt. So what about this, right? What do you set it for 15 and then at eight minutes check up on it? Check it out Just to see. Okay. All right. My favorite thing is Bobby went off the record. We're filming on eight cameras Off the record off the record. By the way Burning cookies Is almost impossible Everybody looks everyone wants it because you want it fast. Yeah. Yeah. So you look at three minutes

You look at five you look at eight and then you know, it's about right It was still good. No way. No one wants burnt cookies, bud. I tasted it. No, you could eat the top part I ate the burnt parts. It's still good. No. Yeah Nobody wants burnt cookies. There's like a scale. There was a scale that somebody put up a burnt cookie scale You know what I mean? Like one it was like a one to ten thing somebody put up on twitter and The amount of people that liked it closer to burnt made me sick Like people like dude people like burnt cookies, Bob. They do people are crazy. I like burnt rice Different story. Yeah, but crispy burnt rice is my favorite. I don't know where I don't know who put it up

Maybe it was like a rex Chapman tweet or whatever. But if you just regular google just regular google burnt cookie scale, but dude So many people wanted it closer to burnt and I was like, no, I want it soft. I I'll always take a soft cookie I don't need a super crispy ever. Yeah Boo burnt cookies Ordering all your summer essentials with dashpash By door dash is a great way to get everything you need and during the summer of dash pass You can save money and access members only offers that will help you feel easy and breezy all season long

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All right, so that's 10. Okay. What's perfect for you out of that scale out of 1 to 10 Rudy tell me what's perfect for cookie eight Insane insane off your fucking head lady. Yeah. Yeah eight is burnt. It's bummed out five Five five is perfect five is perfect Five if it had a five and a half five and a half would be the number. Yeah, right between five and six Eight to eight. Look at what night. Look what his brother nine looks like. Yeah Look at his next door night. Look at nine if there was like a if there was house fires spreading through people's homes And your house was eight and your neighbor's nine. You're fucked. You know what nine and ten look like together

Uh-oh, what I just waiting for whatever you're gonna say Gator's nuts axe I was right By the way, if you turn it sideways, the left one is long is hanging lower than the right one. Yeah Yeah, which of your balls hangs lower Oh, I'll tell you why I don't know Are they the same? Are they are you a pair? No, no, I'll tell you why I don't know why I don't know if I have balls Bob. Yeah, I don't know if I have them. Are they hidden?

It's just there's no like, you know, when you look in the mirror like my first of all my sacks Are so soft. What do you mean sacks? You have one bud. Oh, shit. I have two What the fuck? I maybe that's the problem. You have a soft sack. Yeah. Yeah, I have soft sack You have a stretchy sack. It's not stretchy. There's there wrinkly, but they're very soft So you don't know which ball hangs lower. I think most men know which nut hangs lower Pete right right away. Watch Pete. Which ball hangs lower left left What's right, right? So there's you need to look up. Can I show you mine 100% all right

So close your eyes because I need to see which one hangs lower You gotta pull your hands away. Can you? Yeah, yeah, it's okay. Yeah Oh my god, they're literally parallel I'm not kidding. They're exactly at the same length. Yeah, they're a they're identical droop. They're twins. They're twins They're fucking twins. They're twins like like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito and twins No, that's what you're like Yeah, yeah, no mine actually I want mine to shit to be proportional. You know, I'm not kidding when I say this I've never seen a perfectly symmetrical nut sack and your balls were identical

Exactly if there was a if I could have had a fucking tape measure, they would and put it underneath They'd have been the same droop. I can't measure it every day Every morning. That's what I do. I've never seen the same droop. Yeah. It's the same. You're a left nut Yeah, I'm a right nut guy. You're a right nut guy. Yeah. Yeah. I got blessed right nutters So in the this I don't know about biology or the human body. No this show Yeah, but the nut that because the actual ball the thing that you can feel right is that like just one large cum Yes Are they just two large pieces of cum rock?

Are they cum rocks and what I assume is this right? Comrock right now you're horny right and it heats up the cum rock, right and a little bit drips down Correct. Like it's like candle wax or like like candle candle wax, right? Same thing and then when you go to bed, right? It just grows Oh the cum rock. Yeah, just what just by living a little guy back there scooping on some more cum to onto the rock Oh, there's a little guy there. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take care of this. Yeah, and he is he a dwarf. Of course Yeah, oh because yeah, he's got to be fit back there. Yeah, I gotta put some more Gotta put some more jizz on this thing when this guy goes to sleep. It's look. I was right. It's a cum rock and see

There's the guy you can see it right there. Yeah, look at the little blue vein. Oh, that's gross Does it mean anything Carlos when one ball is lower than the other? I mean, is there a parallel nutsack thing that we can because I'm super curious by the way this What's that? It said most people's balls either one will hang. They're never they're almost never symmetrical Bobby. Yeah I I mean this with all honest one of your best friends. Thank you This is why you're special. Thank you You know everybody all the time is like what is it about Bobby Lee and you're like I know. Yeah. Now, you know, he's got the same nuts. His nuts are identically the identical droop. I'm about to cry right now

Bobby you're special and I love you I'm about to cry another okay. Let it out, baby. No, I'm just proud of myself. You should be Yeah, you're epididymis and you're what are testicles made out of are they cum rocks like bobby? Think they might be The more I think about it the more I think he's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Oh, there's there's inter worker. Oh, there's so much. There's so much going on in there. Wow. Wow Wow It's its own universe and to think there's all there's a little yeah, right, right?

This is another galaxy. It's another galaxy all these planets are going on Yeah, and to think Rudy you just put one of these in your mouth and it's got all this stuff going on Yeah, suck on one of these things with all these working organs. Well, it looks like a brain So I'm just eating more brain reading dick brain. You're eating dick brain. That's right. That's where the turb give me Let me ask you something on the vaginal lips. Is there a lot going on? I feel I feel like there's not Is there is there a droop on one side like to do? Yeah. Yeah. It's like the right Hang a little lower or does that? Yeah. Does does the side of a lip get low? Okay. Here we go Does your lip hang low? Does it wobble to and fro? I like that they point out the anus. Yeah. Yeah

We know what that is. I some people don't beauty mark What is that I've got my name in my next kid. Yeah, yeah Bartholen Bartholen's gland. Yeah, that's great. So there's two glands underneath the vagina and it's called Bartholen's gland It sounds like a place in Lord of the Rings. Like you mean we can I'll meet you in Bartholen's gland Yeah, yeah, don't go there. That's what the spider is Bartholen's gland a wet land. Yeah is a pair of pea-sized gland size glands found just behind the either side of the lips Or surround the entrance to the vagina the glands are not usually noticeable because they're rarely larger The Bartholen's glands secrete fluid that acts as lubricant during sex. Oh, so we love Bartholen's gland. We love Bartholen's gland

Well, who's Bartholen? Can we google out who Bartholen is? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it's named after a guy. It's gotta be Who is Bartholen from Bartholen's gland? Yeah. Do you ever heard of that Rudy? No You might not have Bartholen's glands. He was the king of the land of vagina Imagine on Wikipedia it goes this guy was a pus god. Yeah Crushed some oh, there's Thomas Bartholen desktop. He looks like a fucking pussy. Whoa He looks like a pussy in human form. Holy shit. I had no idea That is the guy even if I didn't know what Bartholen's gland I go he has something to do with vaginas This dude, right? That's Bartholen's gland. That's the guy. Let's hear it. Let's make let's hear about him

I want to learn. Yeah. He's my new guy here. All right. So here zoom in a personal life I love this guy Thomas Bartholen was the second of six sons to Casper Bartholen and a physician All right, so here's the deal about Bartholen. He visited the Italian botanist Pietro Castelli in 1644 The place burned down his health failed. He moved back to Copenhagen Where he died what what did he do though? He published the first full description of the human lymphatic system Oh, he knows about lymph nodes This guy's the fucking man. I imagine he was down on a girl and he was eating a girl out right right right right And he he tasted the moist part

Yeah, like this is more this area is very moist interesting interesting And he stopped the thing he turned the lights on she's like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, right? Let me get my microscope. Oh, it's off. Yeah, and then he looked and he discovered like probably little Hold and they looked and you know what they look like what him It was two little hymns There I am I'm Bartholen. These are my glans. Yeah This guy was incredible. Where was he born and raised go to the right go to the right there

What does it say? I usually tell oh, yeah, dude got to be a Danish dude got to be Danish the Danish are wild Yeah, by the way, that's what it looks like. That's what it. That's it. Yeah, that's scary I don't want that. You got two of those. You got two of those in there. Yeah Look at that. Look look at that. Look at that. I invented. I invented. You know what I mean? I discovered that look that's it's cocky A piece of me thinks this guy's never seen a vagina and he's He just guessed and god bless Bartholen because now we know all about his glands It's weird to want to name yourself the thing you find. Yeah

I mean, but but if you think about it though, would you do that? What if you found a cure for something? Would you call it depends on what it is? All right, if you found the cure for for For a cancer. Oh, can't one of the cancers. Fuck. Yeah. What do you call it? Bobby Lee the Bobby Lee. Yeah, give me the Bobby Lee. Yeah Well, you I'm sorry, ma'am, but you have four weeks to leave. What's going on? You have the Bobby Lee Oh, you have the disease not the cure. Oh, I want to I want to be the disease by the way. Yeah, you are the disease. Yeah, I want to be yeah, I'm sorry I misunderstood what you're saying. I I'm sorry. I want to be the disease

I was giving you credit. I was saying if you discovered a cure, would you want to be no? No, because no what I'm saying is is that I thought you meant like did I discover the prognosis? No, no, no. All right, but honestly, yeah, you're right. You're right. You are the Bobby Lee. Yeah, I'm the Bobby Lee You have the Bobby. What does the Bobby Lee do to me doctor? Um, you're gonna Liquify it liquid liquefies or anus. What? Yeah, it liquefies or anus. How did I get this? Um, through have you Fucked a Korean lately? Of course

Yep, unprotected as with the Korean and I hear and look at me now. I got you have no asshole, right? Yeah, it's water. It's watery. It prolapsed after I had sex with her and then it fell out Yeah, well, that's one of the things, you know, because he was really into the Bobby Lee was really into like rodents Oh, he wanted he wanted women to look like have the tail Great. Yeah. Well, thank you doctor. Yeah Thank you, dr. Lee This is an article. This is something I sent. I want to get you guys's take on this. I sent this to Carlos Okay

If you like a full English breakfast What's an English breakfast? English breakfast is eggs Sausage love it or bangers bangers and bangers. You know bangers sausage, right? Yeah Yeah Heinz baked beans not any American bullshit baked beans. Heinz baked beans. Have you had them before? So in that combination eggs sausage and toast and Heinz baked beans usually with bacon as well never had that before Show him a picture of a full English breakfast. This guy's gonna lose his fucking mind It's probably the thing that the Brits did better than anything. I think on planet earth

The one thing that they cased was a full English fucking breakfast. Look at this thing Look at this fucking plate sliced tomatoes mushrooms sausage bacon Sausage patty. Oh, that's blood sausage, right? Yeah, that's blood sausage on the left of little patties That's regular sausage or bangers on the right bro. That looks so fucking good. So fucking good But in the middle is the secret sauce What is it? It's the baked beans the Heinz baked beans and Heinz introduced go back to that photo. Look at how bomb this is Heinz baked beans inside of hash browns And you've had them. No, they're not gonna make it for the United States

So this is my time to use this platform to beg Heinz. Please. I'm not fucking kidding. Yeah, I need this Heinz, you don't get it. This is my two favorite breakfast items that are hash browns and beans I can die on this. Please send me some of this shit. Please make this available for the United States if you don't I'm gonna come for you. Yeah, and I'm bringing the Bobby Lee's with you. Yeah Yeah, you'll get the Bobby Lee, but let me see something. Can't you just order it from like a special site that'll ship it? Here's the problem. That's gonna take a long time. I want this in my local grocer in the frozen aisle Please because otherwise I'm gonna have to fucking special order this shit. That's gonna be a pain in the ass But let me kind of just I'm not I you know, first of all, let me I want to be positive. Okay

I really respect your dream. God bless right and I I want to support you. Thank you Okay, but what I want to say is that you've never eaten that yet You're making assumptions of what that's gonna look taste like my friend my friend my friend my friend my friend my friend It's a frozen thing. Oh Right, so it's like how are you gonna prepare that fry it? Oh, yes Okay, you fry it right you fry you air fry it first of all you air fry it but you have no idea how that's gonna taste Oh, yes, I do. Okay. Oh, yes, I do. All right. So Heinz doesn't miss. Have you had their ketchup?

Oh, they're the best home run. Have you had their baked beans? They're a home run Put up some stuff that Heinz makes he INZ Heinz. By the way, it's an American company, isn't it? But they have a British base because Heinz field that's in Uh, Pennsylvania, right? Heinz products. Let's go down the fucking list of these bangers Look at that. Look how happy that kid is. Yeah with all that blood all over his face. Yeah Ketchup banger mustard banger Banger Memphis barbecue sauce. Yes real mayonnaise not for me, but some people like it. I hate Heinz gravy Heinz vinegar use it. Heinz dillrick relish and pickles. Love it. Heinz

They got mayo chip. They got mayo and ketchup now. Yeah Heinz 57 by the way the specialty sauces banger shit It's a great company. Wait go to the sauce the mixed sauces by the way go back to the mixed sauces Because they keep trying shit. Whoa. What did that say? Cranch ketchup and ranch mayo and ketchup and then ketchup and chili sauce Wow, don't shudder at that. Don't shudder at that. Yeah, don't shudder at that. I don't step on your culture I eat a fucking live bird in an egg for you Scumbag you guys use boar blood into the Philippines. Yeah, yeah, I mean as a dipping sauce boar. It's good boar blood Boar blood is good. Yeah

Heinz I'm begging you. Please send this to the United States specifically here at bad friends because I want it so bad I love me some fucking beans And by the way, yeah next month. I'm trying it. I'm going fucking vegetarian next month You want me? I could do it together. Let's do a bad friends. Yeah, I'm trying. Will you go vegetarian for the month? I don't think he'll make it. Don't fucking fucking negative. You're so fucking negative, man All right, you've been negative all show. Let's do not supportive at all at all. Okay. I'll support you I think he's gonna fail because all he eats is ribs pork beef All the fucking so he's getting his fill this month. Yeah, and he'll be fine. He'll be fine

We're gonna do bad friends goes vegetarian. Can we do a combination thing now with a combination fried rice? No No, not combination fried rice. There's a dual contest. Okay, go on. So we do vegetarian Mm-hmm, and let's add up another thing. No ejaculation. Okay. I'm out I can't yeah, you can I just see how long I can't come for the whole month Yeah, that's so long. I know but have you ever tried it? No, well you try it feels like a madman No, no, no, you can't a month is so long. You're not gonna last but that's what's fun about the game We'll see how long Yeah, I'm telling you the moment that you or I come we have to text or call each other

You have to be honest if we're gonna play this game. You got to be real No, all right, and I mean the moment The moment you come let me like can we get into the rules though? Yeah, I'm sure there's some rules. Okay. Go ahead. So what if I have like, you know when I come in the night on a dream I know I said it like a poem is it happening and I come in the night Is it happening a lot? But sometimes I'll wake up and there's a little bit of splosion in there. That doesn't count. All right, that doesn't count, right? I didn't put you right. Yeah, you have to be a part of the come

Right, you have to either actively do it with your hand or with using a partner. Okay So then um with the meat right for instance, all right If I sleep walk and eat in the middle of the night and I eat a roast beef sandwich It doesn't count. It doesn't count. That's totally okay, right? That seems like that's fine Something because I can't help that. Well, I feel like if we're gonna let each other come in the middle of the night We better be able to eat a roast beef sandwich. Can you imagine the security cameras of us just coming and eating? Uh, it wasn't me. I was dead asleep. Yeah, I was dead asleep. All right, so we called each other when we slip the moment that we slip I'm serious. I have one last thing I have to ask. I'm so sorry. I have no I like because I really want to do it

I want to do it too. Um, can we do it in? November Yes, we can okay, let's do it in november because we're too close to you right With september because we're going to new york in september, right? Yeah, we're not gonna jerk off or fucking not eat meat there That's right. We're gonna do that. That's all you do. That's all you do is What is new york for a place to jerk off and eat meat, right? So what i'm saying is in november, I feel like my calendar is a little more clear. We're back home We're back home and we can monitor each other better. We'll monitor each other better, right? Okay. Yeah, so let's do it in november

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Uh, instead of going to the dealership buy a car from home Even as you listen to bad friends right now, you can do it anywhere vroom is entirely online So next time you need to buy a car. Just grab your phone go to vroom.com and check out thousands of great cars That's vroom.com vroom.com Dot com trojan bear skin raw enables you to get closer and experience everything This is like the um the michael jordan of Of condoms. Yeah, they really are the greatest ones. Yeah, they're the best of all time. I use them all you use all use them All my throughout my life. I've used them all let me tell you some gotta put you gotta put a bag

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What else do you know? It's the best one and trojan bear skin raw is available and major retail is nationwide buy a pack today experience Raw, baby trojan bear skin raw as raw as it gets Did you see the movie? pray No, dude. I can't wait. I want to go. I didn't go Let me go. What go where I want to go see it. It's on hulu. Wait. What is it? I thought it's in theaters No, never went to theaters and went straight to hulu. Oh, I don't want to see something that went straight to that went straight to online I

It's gotta be in the field for me. So amber midfielder the star of it. She's on reservation duck. So I kind of know her Oh, yeah, and I'm just saying this movie. It's incredible. What do you like any of the predator movies? Well predator Yeah, the original one. Yes. Yeah, she had never seen any predator movie until pray her. Yeah. Well, yeah Do you know if you've seen it now? Yeah, it's so sick. It's so good. No, I do want to see it. I should watch it But it's like Do you know what the premise is? No I know nothing about you heard of it before. Yes, everyone's talking about it Right. So basically it's when the alien predator. Yeah first visited earth

And he finds her he he's fighting against Native Americans sick It's fucking sick. Love it. Yeah, I'm in and he's more primitive too in the movie. He's more lovable No, he's more. Um, he's not as Technologically advanced. I think he's more he does more hand-to-hand killing you were right. Yeah. Well, that's what I didn't know What the work is baby? Yeah. Yeah, I just I was astonished how good it was. It's that good Like I always just like wow, this is what? Aside from the original predator movie, which we love with arnie. Yeah, right? Yeah I've seen every single one of those fucking things right and this one is probably the second best one 93 unrotten tomatoes

Have you ever been a part of any project that's been 93? I think the most I got was 53 Hmm well, I'm on reservation dogs. That's that's gotta be up. What is that reservation dogs has got to be high I would imagine that the reservation dogs is probably 90s 99 Oh, I'm on a 99. Holy shit. How about you? What what number probably 85 is probably the highest I've been a part of I bet you Dave is in the 80 high 80s. Get Dave get Dave on there. Dave's probably in the high 80s 86 I would say 84 pretty good. Not 99. It's not at all. Yeah. Yeah, not 99

Yeah, but but but also, you know, we don't have as many natives on our show I think having a couple native americans would help. I've said that I've said that to the writers every single year Okay, yeah, nothing. I've been a part of has been probably higher than 84. 84 is probably the highest I've ever been I don't watch do I'm dying up here with this one probably 64 This one's probably below 70 let's say 51 oh my god, but the audience score is 95 See, that's always kind of a tell though. What when the critics shit on something, but the audience loves it

That's not a tell. No. No, this happens a lot though You'll see it where the audience is super super high and the critics are low meaning it's it's It's one of those things where I think people The critics were those are the same people that think that Fast and Furious is a kurosawa film best movie ever made I'm just saying my name a better movie than faster than the furious all of them All the other Fast and Furious movies are better than the original What's the Fast and Furious score just go Fast and Furious one and let's find out the original

What year was that in? 2009 not in 2009 Yeah, that's it 28% audience score 67. So right you're wrong about that. That's still pretty low. Yeah. Yeah 28% This is the problem with critics. What are you criticizing? It's a fucking action movie. Yeah, what what's the fucking thing? What's the thing? Yeah, what could you be critical about? The cinematography it's fucking shoot them up flip a car You know family, you know what you're gonna go watch. Yeah, so fucking leave it alone

Yeah, you know what I'm watching now that I almost finished. What is it only murders in the building? You don't know what this is. It's on hulu. It's Steve Martin Martin Short and Selena Gomez You've seen it. Um, are you a Selena Gomez fan? She's brown like you. Is it good 100% critics. Holy fucking is it that good? Is it good? Don't don't I never I'm not saying it to you. I'm saying is it good like this. Is it good? It's it's kitschy, but it's fun But martin short I'm not kidding when I say this might be one of the best comedic actors in the history of of of film

I've always felt that bro. He's so funny on this show. It's fucking annoying You're like, how is he every scene? He does something to make me laugh and see martin Phenomenal as a straight guy, but martin short is exactly what you want him to do. Also FYI What does that even know what that means for for young interests for young interests? Yeah for young interests. Yeah Yeah, for for young interests. Yeah, right One of the nicest guys You'll ever meet of course because he's the shit. He literally is one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. I'm dude

I'm obsessed. I think he kills it. I love that and salina does a good job on the show I don't really know much about her, but she does a great job on the fucking show, but martin I'm watching that tonight You dude you have to give it some time do a couple episodes. You're gonna love it 100% and two legends legends. Yeah two legends in the legends you martin short and salina gomas. Yeah Let's let's go back to the history of of these two guys. She has no idea. I understand. But did you see three amigos? No, it's my favorite. It's one of the funniest movies. I love that movie Do you know who steve martin is at all? No

Wow, it's just mind-boggling. You know what she should watch that she might like sense of humor wise. Um parenthood No, she should watch jiminy glick Yeah, no, you don't think she'll get it. I want her to go back into the where are you born? Yeah, martin short dressed up as this fat interviewer And it's some of the best stuff i've ever seen in my life, dude. He was so fucking good But we I want her to go do a little bit of a deep dive in terms of like steve martin and and martin short's career Okay, well because in the 80s they made they were like When we were growing up, they were like it's the kings of it all kings. Yeah, steve martin steve martin got like

commercially massive. He was saturday night live, but he got commercially massive he was saturday night live too, but uh I would say father the bride was like one of the biggest movies. He probably ever made franchise wise Steve martin. Yeah, yeah franchise. Yeah, right. Isn't that don't you think what do you think was bigger for steve martin? I mean that franchise was fucking Massive yeah, like that might have been the biggest dirty rotten scoundrels. Yeah, but don't love that movie No, great the jerk like these are all great. Oh my god, but they were never as big this movie was fucking massive for the time Yeah, how much was it?

90 million for a fucking domestic movie in the 90s in 91 insane insane That's like a billion dollars for it's that's absurd. We really are you really need to see three amigos though? I mean, that's a new like a classic one of the funniest comedies ever and these guys were just But that's when you but that's when you know, you're all like I've been like hanging out with younger people on set and stuff and you You talk them about feel old Because you you bring up stuff like, you know movies from the 80s and stuff or 70s and they just don't know any name or Or what it is. It's insane, but also because the internet's so fast, right? Like we knew stuff from our parents generation because the internet wasn't as fast then

It wasn't until we were a certain age the internet didn't exist So for them the stars are being made constantly or the star of the month or whatever it is, but she could be on a bus Sitting next to steve martin would never and she would have no idea two things though. Why are both of those people on a bus? I know what you're saying. Yeah, you know what i'm saying. Yeah She would never know subway subway right on the train. You would not have any idea Like if I sat next to steve martin on a subway this I would just be I would not know what

Would lose like I would lose my mind right you nothing Yeah, yeah What were you gonna ask you you said you look like you're gonna ask him something like you can just take a picture of him No, it's this guy's a legend. He's a legend. This is not fucking. Yeah, this isn't like Do you always have to say something if it's like a really big? No, I wouldn't say I don't think I would say we'd be nervous Because I wouldn't want to say something and have him be a dick and then it changed my View on him. So I just don't want to bring it there. Yeah, you just you but you give him one of these

You give him a little I I've done that to super super famous people that I like their work is they'll look over and kind of give you one The eyebrow, you know the eyebrows. Yeah Yeah Because that's an all I need the worst is when you say something to a star that you love and they're they're not being a dick But they do their standard line. They would do anyone So I was with um, I was on the paramount lot And um, levar burton who's geordie on next generation. You definitely don't know who that is. You don't know. Yeah, no chance

I walk by and I go, oh fuck. There's fucking levar burton. I go. Hey, I'm a big fan of you. I said it I'm a big friend. He goes. Thank you Yeah, he started a million. Yeah. Yeah all day long and I was just like, oh god He's the fuck. Why did he do that? Do you know who that is? No. Oh my god. Do you like him? You think he's attractive? Yeah, yeah, he's like a hundred years old Isn't that crazy? Black does not crack. Look at how good looking that guy is. Oh, my bad. He's amazing. He's 65. He looks like he's 30 He looks great. That guy and me are the same age on pay on yeah, visually. Yeah, those guys must be in the same age group

They went to high school together Yeah, for sure for sure Yeah, but it's like yeah that that thank you that thank you because he's heard it Yeah, that's what I try to like not do that. What do you say when a fan says? Hey, I love your work A guy said it to me this morning getting coffee He goes dude, I'm a big fan and you know what I say what I say. Thank you very much, man. I hope you have a good day I said that that seems cold. What do you mean? I looked him in the eye. I said, I hope you have a good day I meant that. Yeah, it seems standard though. What the fuck am I supposed to say you go specific?

Thank you very much. I love that shirt. Yeah, okay. I gotta pay attention. I was on the I was out that's what you gotta do All right. I'll try it again. Go ahead. I'm getting my coffee and then you're a fan. Hey Cheeto. Hey, man Big fan of your work. Oh, dude. Fuck off and I coffee you right in the face. No, I shouldn't do that. No, I will try it again Yeah Yo, love love you on I'm dying up here. No shit, bitch Yeah, no, is that not gonna work. It doesn't work. Let me try one more time. Yeah, yeah Yo, yo bad friends

Yeah Who do you like more? Me or the korean have you asked that before? No, have you? Yeah, you have you scumbag Every time you do you go. Who do you like more me or andra? Yeah, yeah, or I'll say something disparaging about you No, why that guy's so not funny or since I'm just just just to get them a laugh. I get it I get it like last night like I was at this korean bar. Like I said, yeah Yeah, the blue bar the blue bar and I was in there and um, you know people walk up and they're huge bad friend friend

You know what's astonishing about this podcast? What? Is the reach it had there? I mean we reach people dude. Oh my god. I'm about to cry. Bob It's not funny Rudy. I'm not laughing. I'm smiling She's laughing So ask alex hawn. So this is the doorman at the comedy store And I was sitting there in the lobby of the in the main room. I'm just sitting there waiting to go up And alex goes meet this young lady and she walks up to me and she just bursts in the tears Oh, what do you mean? Don't be like that. No, I'm

I just said oh like that's cute Carlos help just give me a chance. All right. All right. So that's cute. I go. Whoa. Don't cry. She's like no You don't understand like my mom died two days ago. Oh my god, right? And she goes She's the biggest bad friends fan was I'm just I'm just saying sorry. I'll do it again. Thank you. I'm not wrong. I'm just telling you what the verbiage was So I swear, you know that my mom was A huge bad friends fan and um, she um, I mean I just went to um

Um What's her name? Jesse jet ski jet the juicy. Yeah juice and I just told her that and um, I just want to say um I had to come and say that to you because she passed away. You know what I mean? And I literally went Thanks, get the fuck No, no, I go no, I hugged her and we talked for like a half an hour. I do you remember her name? I know it Yeah, but did she talk to jesse? She did Let's see if juicy remember if juicy remembers her name. I'm serious. Yeah. Yeah, never gonna let you live this down

This poor girl's mom was a huge bad and shout out to this girl. Whoever her mom was in her 40s and she had died Fuck man. So young. Yeah, I'm in my that's me. Yeah, I know Carlos deep cut deep cut and by the way funny though, whoever you are I hope the bad friends. Hey juice. You're on the bed. You're on the pod I just want to ask you something So bobby said that there was a girl that came up to you guys and said that she lost her mom She passed away, but her mom was a big bad friends fan. You got and do you remember that? Yep, adi

Juicy Hey, I just want to say this real fast. I love you and I'll see you tonight Okay, I love you guys. All right. Bye Didn't even fucking ask her knew off the bat Bobby Bro, oh didn't even ask her and remembered right away. Her name was adi. Oh by the way adi if you're out there Let me say this. We love you. Thank you for being a bad friends fan

Uh, we love our bad friends family and I'm sorry about your mom and you're the shit and we love adi So thank you. We appreciate you adi. Thank you for coming along. I'm so sorry adi Yeah, you should be yeah, say sorry to your fucking look in your camera. I'm sorry, but no don't butt when you're saying sorry Why because that's not what I have other things to say. Just say I'm sorry and okay. I'm sorry and right by the way Yeah, and and I um was really good conferencing with you for a half hour What is that?

What is that? I know she don't be mean. I'm not being mean. I loved her. Rudy say we love you adi We love you adi, but it was like so like just um No, that's beautiful because you know, it's funny because and I you get it from all over the world Like I've been talking to people from you know Australia other people people that live in korea that like bad friends. That's nuts, right? And it's like You know when I because now you know, I'm just trying to be different. I'm posting more on instagram getting more involved You know mean that's cool. Yeah, and uh, I'll come first with some fans on you know mean direct message and um

and they're just like Like they're just they just love the show so much But it's funny because we go to the shitty parking lot in the shitty building Right and we come here and it's like kind of like all right here. We are let's do you know I mean you never think that people are watching really watching our little show our little show, you know But it's just like it's pretty cool. Well, I agree man. I'm very appreciative of of the of the bad friends fan base and uh So are the guys, you know, it keeps them employed because otherwise Can you imagine what these scumbags would be doing if it wasn't for us?

What do you think pete would be doing if he wasn't on this show? He'd be a grip for like a low-budget thing. Oh, okay. Yeah. I see that that's cool. Yeah. Yeah I would I was gonna say like grave digger or grave robber. Sorry Like no, he's too big to be a grave robber. What do you mean? He's strong. He's so strong He can lift the casket out you need you can't have someone Carlos decides lifting a casket It's not gonna work, but he's a big guy though. Pete. Yeah. Yeah, he's strong as I know so I'm the guy I don't know who Looks after the graveyard something you need a strong guy to help lift the casket

There's no cameras. You need a skinny guy like Carlos to wiggle down there to fit into small holes And I have this for protect and he's got a gun. Yeah, and you need someone like you to distract Oh, what like what do I do? Well, because here, you know, here comes the guy who the graveyard guy who runs there is what y'all doing over here this time? And you got to be like, oh, we're you know, we're just saying goodbye to our aunt that passed away and we're paying our respect You have to distract while these guys are doing the dirty work, dude I got my shovel. No, but I I feel like under pressure. I would probably fuck it up. Okay. Hey, what do you? Hey? Hey? Hey, hey, what the fuck are you doing in my graveyard boy? My uncle Benji

Your uncle Benji. He just died Benji Lieberman He Ferguson Lieberman. Yeah, Benji Ferguson Lieberman your uncle junior. Yeah, really. Yeah. He's in my car Wait, what I can't bury him No, when does it when does it open man? You're fucking this up? Like I wouldn't know. Yeah. Yeah, you would have to pretend like you're paying your respects to the dead Oh, I see. I wouldn't know that I'd be like, no, I'm trying to bury this guy try it again I'll do it again. Hey. Hey. Hey, what the fuck you doing in my graveyard? It's beautiful

Oh, thank you. The landscaping. Thank you. Oh, go ahead. Walk around Is that good? That's good. That would have worked. Yeah, you're just admiring the world Hey, hey, what are you doing over here in our graveyard? I'm saying hi to my mom. What's her name? Lipa Dua. Oh, Lipa Dua's over there. Ro six. Lipa Dua's your fucking mom? That's crazy. That's crazy. I have to go. I have to say hi. Yeah, no, no, no, no Go ahead. It's three in the morning. I mean, there's no one here. She's not going anywhere. She's been dead. Yeah That's mean. What? What? We're grave. We're grave people

We're around this all day. You think I'm like we're weirded out by the dead. I mean she just died a month ago Yeah, God bless. Yeah. How'd you die? How'd you die? Cancer. Which kind? What kind? In the vagina Really? Was it the Bobby Lee? Yeah, or was it the Bethesda gland Bartholomegland. Was it the Bartholomegland? The Bobby Lee gland. The Bobby Lee gland. Yeah, even the whole part. Yeah. Sorry about that. Sorry about that. Can I go now? How old are you? I don't know if you're allowed to be here at night by yourself

I'm really depressed and I just want to talk to her. Talk to us. I don't know you. Well get to know me But we're alive. Yeah, we happen to be alive and we'll talk back to you. Yeah, yeah I want to talk to my mom. I think you should talk to us first. Yeah Hey, you want to see my new van? No, I just No You gotta see it. You guys need a new van and also we need help. We have a couch. No, we're loading into the van Right. We need your help. That sounds like you're gonna murder me. No, no, no. You like Wells

Let me ask you something. Okay, this is not sexual. Okay. Have you ever seen a pair of testicles hang at the same light? No, I haven't Yeah, no, no, dude, we should do a fucking movie where we own a graveyard Yeah We're two guys. What are they called more not morticians. What are the guys that fucking run a graveyard called morticians? There's security of no, no, dude. They're great security. They're called a thing because the morticians fix the bodies I don't want to do that. I don't want to like prepare the bodies like the makeup Yeah, dude the makeup. Well, first of all, they have to like drain them

You know, you have to get all their organs out and then you fill them with with formaldehyde formaldehyde, right? You fill them with a chemical. Yeah formaldehyde. It preserves the body and then if they had like a disastrous, you know I mean death like our accent. You have to fix their face. Yeah, it's crazy mold Unarmed residential security guards graveyard weekends swing. We could fucking do it 16 to 19 an hour. What are they paying you at the library at school? $16 you could make up to $19. I want to do late night Will you apply for her for this, please? I want to apply for her to be an unarmed residential security guard at a graveyard on weekends And it's a swing job. So it's not full-time. You jump in when they need you. There's some qualifications Oh, let's let's read that valid, uh, california bsis guard card. Do you have that?

We'll fucking we gotta get that we gotta get that. Uh, you got a driver's license, right? Yeah being reliable transportation. You got the Prius. You got the Prius. Yeah, great interpersonal communication skills when dealing with visitors to the site Well, we just try let's try again. Let's see if you can yeah ready This is real. You're now a security guard and we're visiting right so we just need you to Be able to what do you even what do I have to do? Why do I have to talk to them? Well, fuck dude. Do you want the job or not? Yeah? I thought I was just looking out on the graveyard. People there visit They sometimes the the fucking graveyard is open and you're still a security guard

You still have to make sure everything is okay. People are coming to grieve or pay the respects Sometimes as a teenager, you got to kick off who's like so we're a couple. We're a couple guy. We're gay, of course Yeah, yeah. All right. Oh Oh, no Hi, hi, how are you? We're here to see our friend Ramon Ramon. Yeah who died Oh, um, his nick is big slung big slung. Yeah, that was his nickname big slung. Is there any way we could Look, I know this is a weird request, but we have this huge black dildo Is there a way we could place this with superglue on the tombstone? Yeah, and he loved black

They love big well. He liked the flesh the fleshy kind the real ones the real ones, but this is the best we could do Because it's cut off a real black. Yeah Some people might find it inappropriate, but do you have like any design that can like kind of cover it up? That's interesting like a box. Yeah Yeah, or like flowers to just like so if we get some flowers and make put flowers around the cock, you'll let us do that Yeah, you can do it. Yeah. Thank you. Great. Great. Fucking great. Look what she did. Yeah She saw the situation assessed it assessed it and handle it. Look at the bottom requirement Look at this go to the bottom note to the left to the left

Ability to act with integrity in a professional manner. That was what you did exactly what that was the only thing you need is a valid C.I. B. S. I. S. card never gonna get that. How do we get it? Yeah? Yeah, I feel like we just need to get one of these fucking PSIS cards and you're yeah, how do we get those? Welcome to the Bureau of Security invest in an investigative investigative But I don't have a visa Fuck what the fuck god you you do snitch on yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess we could apply online now Okay, let's apply for her. Oh, yeah to see if we can get her. Yeah. Yeah, let's get her a fucking We'll do this. Oh, we don't need to do it. We you can you don't need to go through the oh, you've got your use ID ready for the

C.I. Dot cop So seriously when this shows down, I'm dead serious Please apply for this and I want to see if we can get you a job as a swing guard for a security guard at a graveyard Why do you want me to because I think it's going to be healthy for you in the real world to use these skills Working at the campus bookstore. It ain't going to cut it Okay, let me tell you something Rudy here in America everybody at one point in their life has worked in a graveyard Yeah, I have it's just a part of the thing of growing up. Okay, you know what like what is that in the Philippines? Is there a Oh, could we fake one?

I mean, yeah, let's photoshop one. Oh, yeah. Yeah Well, let's photoshop it. Yeah, great. That's perfect done. You could work at the Hollywood forever one the best that best graveyard Humphrey Bogart's buried there. There's so many things look at the famous people that are buried at Hollywood forever cemetery Do I get free food? I I guess I don't know if they have I just don't know It's like they don't have craft service You know, it's not a shoot. Look at the sheet. I was none of these people by the way Jane Mansfield Cecil B. DeMille Bugsie Siegel

Wow, Johnny Ramon. Wow Wow, dude. Wow. Look at the fucking level. Look at the level Mel Blanc Dude, this is so amazing. How many people are buried there? Is Charles Chaplin the comedian? That's very no carpenter. Very good. That's Charles Chaplin the carpenter carpenter. Yeah, the builder. Oh No, is the comedian the legend I know him. Estelle Getty. Do you know who that is? No, okay I guess there's no do you know the Ramones the band the Ramones? I I don't know

Okay, that one's got to be tough for you, Bobby. It's just everything. It's tough. That's got to be tough that she doesn't know that It was the dog, but now it's the Ramones. You know what I mean? And then and then the dog Who the fuck is Virginia rap? Who is that she was a model and a silent film actress not so many skills there She died after attending a party with actor Roscoe Faddy Arbuckle Love Faddy Arbuckle. Oh, who was accused of band slaughter and rape and connection to her death Um, but he got away with it and now he was exonerated because he knew you could get away with anything back there You could just kill someone and people no forensics

You just if you knew a cop you were like, I didn't do it and they're like, he didn't do it Yeah, I mean, that's how easy it was back there's Faddy Arbuckle. So he killed Virginia Rob Wow, and he got away with it. Probably raped her too. Yeah, what a fat piece of shit. What a shithead Where's that fat piece of shit buried? Yeah, look at that fat scumbag look at that So he killed her I love how they say he was exonerated because but they don't give any indication over like why wood lawn cemetery in new york Well, we're going to fuck when we go to new york, you want to go piss on his grave? Fuck. Yeah, man I'll go piss on that fat piece of shit. It's grave. Yeah

And imagine having the name Faddy I imagine how fat you have to be for him to go fuck it. I'm fatty Right. It's like Yeah, Faddy Arbuckle. Look at that guy He was a comedian Look at that look at that fuck That fat we actually were actually being so mean. We don't know if we don't know. We don't know what he really did

Yeah, but it did sound like if you were fucking charged with murder or somebody. Let me Could Ralph we may do that? I don't think so I mean, look at that. That's fucking surface elation right there, dude You know who's not getting enough credit goes the guy holding the women up top That must hurt his shoulders so bad. I mean Faddy's fat. Yeah, he's just he's like a cinder block He's hanging out that can't be that hard on his joints Those two poor women did What look at he's grabbing their breasts, dude. Yeah zoom in on the one in the white. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't give a fuck

Look at him. He's grabbing your tip. Hey, look at that. Look at that. He zoom zoom and she's like, can you get the pit? Right. No, no breast or nothing. I'm fat the breast. He really is the right breast And look at her mouth. She's always like, hey Cut it out By the way silent film. Yeah, I mean, I know, you know, look pioneered where we are today Incredible, but can you imagine how easy it'd be to get away with being a bad actor in silent film? Oh my god do anything One take everything Yeah, yeah, yeah

That's it. That's one take killed it A movie takes three days to make a full feature 128 pages. Yeah, yeah, yeah Chaplain though Chaplain though when you're good, you're great. You're great Right when you're when you're good at doing silent and making eye movements and hand gestures and physicality Do we should do that a silent film you and I should do a black and white silent film with jewels, bro And jet jet I'm not fucking kidding. Let's do it. I would kill to do it. Well, we're the fucking outfits What's the outfits? You know, it's just like, you know, the black and white, you know, they just I wanted to know the

Of that era But you couldn't but they were you couldn't see what they were because it was black and white They probably like those clothes. Okay. You mean of that time period of that era. Yeah. Okay. Good. I want suspenders And then who's gonna do the fonts The what there needs to be a the organ player. No the fonts The subtitles subtitles Yeah, well, we're P. Oh, you do it in post. Yeah, my bad. You didn't post In fact, why don't we do this? Why don't we don't write the fucking, you know, I mean write it

We'll just do the movie first and then we'll figure out what it is later brilliant, right? I think that's I think that's brilliant. I love that and that's your you that's your creative Side of it. Yeah, that's genius. I fucking love it. I love it a silent film from bad friends Um, will you do one reenactment of something for me before we go? What is it? So there's a guy online that I have a huge crush on and I know you know who he is because I've sent him to you before And we get sent this constant. I mean on a constant basis. Will you show this guy? This guy right here people have asked us a thousand times to reenact this He's incredible

He can pull stuff with his tits his penis can I say something what that could have been as 200 200th time No, it wasn't it could have been I think he says in there how many takes it takes But you don't know it could have taken a thousand times. Will you try this? I'll do it, but give me as many times as he gets it. I think he probably did it once There's no way. What's his name? Pete? Can you see what his name is? This guy's the fucking man Okay, let's see. Oh, this is amazing. Oh, you okay, and we got to clamp your titties and you got to try it You do it now. Yeah, okay. This is how we got this is how we'll go home

Okay It's like it was like harder Yeah, but this is for don't do the top one maybe maybe the top one can go Two on two tits and two on the other tits Ow You're fine like you haven't had something clamped to your titty before that's insane Come on, baby Isn't that working

Do you want me to do it for you? Let me try. It's gonna hurt, dude. That? Yeah, that hurt It's a more skin Oh, there we go. Yeah You put this one on to this one. It's so bad, doesn't it? Oh, can you get it? Oh, I'm trying Ow No, it's not working. Okay. Oh, come on

Put it on the actual nipple. It can't. The nipple. He's a nipple without superficial enough Oh, I just want to hurt so I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it too much. You try it Okay, I won't stay on it. Fuck. We tried That guy's better than us. Yeah, you're better than us All right, fuck me. I wish that worked. All right, let's go. All right We have to say thank you for being a bad friend. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, Rudy on the count of three

One, two, one, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend