Bad Friends - Rudy Is Single
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Ciao, I'm in Italy.
But this week, I will be in Edmonton and Winnipeg, Canada.
Come see me, Edmonton and Winnipeg.
Go to AndrewSantino.com.
Molto beano.
Hello!
Hello, hello, mate.
Hello, mate.
You all right, mate?
I'm all right, mate.
We're going to be coming to London and Dublin July 18th
and 19th.
These are the only two shows we're doing in 2025 together. Yeah. International boys, we're done. If you're living in Scotland, go to London and Dublin July 18th and 19th these are the only two shows we're doing in 2025 together yeah international boys we're done if you're living in Scotland go to London if you're living
in somewhere else go to right it's easy if you're living in Scotland go to England yeah and if you're
living in um norway norway please fly to Dublin yeah yeah or poland in poland if you're living
in poland you probably got to come to our pola Show. We're doing one Polar Sausage Show. Yeah, yeah.
We're not.
July 18th and 19th, London and Dublin.
Go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
Who are you?
White dude and Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Ladies and gentlemen, she returns.
She has risen.
It's Rudy Jules.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She's been away from the show for too long.
She's been doing a lot of tiger belly,
a lot of belly tiger, a lot of trash Tuesday.
I have an intro that I prepared.
Oh, sorry about that.
Can I?
Yeah, please.
It's gonna take a couple of minutes.
Yeah, do it.
Hello, my weary travelers. My boat crashed along the seashore
and I ran into a fair, the Renaissance Fair and I saw many
things. Chalices being made, chain mails,
and I also saw one school shooter.
I saw a man walking a pickle.
Yes, and I have found my people
and I have some gifts for you all if I may.
If I may?
Did you really? do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Yeah, Jules, I bought you a- It's a wand? It's a wand. Yeah, that's what they call it.
Do, do, do, do.
Come grab it.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Play the bird, play the bird.
Play the bird, bud.
Okay, sorry.
There's not enough water.
I gotta put some more water in it.
Very good.
Okay, very good.
Yeah, put some more water.
Oh, okay.
Whoa.
Needs water.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do Put some more water. Oh, okay. Whoa.
Needs water. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Thank you here. Thank you. For my friend, Karloff.
Come please.
Blow the bird.
Here's a one for you, my friend.
Wow.
Here you go.
All right. Do not jam it in your ass.
Yeah. Happy birthday Carlos. Stop it.
McCown please come.
I give you a black
bird charmer. Here you go my friend.
Hey, hey, hey, hey hey what do you say idiot? Yeah
yeah you bow or something. Bow. Andreas bow. Come here I have a gift for you too.
I have a gift for you too Andreas. This is a big one. Right this is a ceramic penis. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Uber. Oh good. Uber. Uber my friend. Uber.
Yeah, yeah.
Can I tell you something?
Yeah, I love it.
This means more than I think you know to me.
Why does it?
Well, because you don't buy me stuff.
Yeah.
This is special.
That was one of the most expensive ones there.
How much?
$50.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so we saw on Instagram Bobby went to the Renaissance Faire, first time ever.
Yes.
First time last time, first time first time.
I'm going next Sunday.
You are?
Yeah, and Jules is gonna come.
Are you really going?
Yeah.
You excited?
I wanna go.
Are there elves?
Oh my God, there's elves, there's orcs.
There's everything that you can desire.
Well, explain to us how much fun you have.
It looks really cool.
What?
Shut up, fancy, shut up.
Shut up.
Honestly, shut up.
That was me.
Phony.
At the fair today.
You're at the fair with your friend, Brittany. Yes. And I'm proud of you, you dressed up. Honestly, shut up. That was me. Phony. At the fair today. You're at the fair with your friend Brittany.
Yes.
And I'm proud of you, you dressed up.
Well, you can rent, see, that's where I made the mistake.
You rented?
I came like this.
Yeah.
And then I went to the store and I rented that vest.
It's a good looking vest.
And I was just jamming out here in front of this, yeah.
It was...
I'm telling you, dude, that was what a song.
You loved it.
I saw jousting.
I saw a couple of plays.
Wow.
Yeah, yeah, it was a very enjoyable thing.
So you'll go back.
I'm going to go back next Sunday.
Yeah, with Jules and Dumbfounded and Gene
and also Andrea Jin.
Look at that.
You look good.
And I'm going to dress,
we're going to dress as,
and I'm going to get you dressed as peasants,
but Asian peasants.
So my fantasy is this.
Wait, that's not Asian peasants, whatever you did before?
No, that wasn't Asian peasants.
Who is that?
Who's that woman?
That's Brittany, the girl I was with.
Carlos, stop creepin'.
Yeah, stop creepin'.
Carlos, stop creepin', dude.
Do do do do.
Don't, don't, don't, don't, okay.
Do do do.
Do do do do.
So, no, I'm gonna dress like as.
Out of the bird, out of the bird.
Okay, okay.
Okay. Okay. Okay. You wanna communicate? Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do We're dressed as Japanese rice farmers from the 17th century, and our little canoe got lost.
And we ended up in the shores of this English countryside, and we end up at the Renaissance
Fair, and we'll have samurai swords, and I'm going to wear the little rice paddy hats,
and we're going to get you a dress. You know what I mean?
Okay.
Well, unless you want to dress, how would you like to dress?
Like the elves. Okay. I like to dress like the elves?
Okay, kind of dress like right now the Philippines don't have drought well
Elves I mean yeah, we do yeah
Yeah, those are called
Crickets those are Filipino crickets did they're not elves. What is this saying your sweater?
Oh, is that a Filipino cricket or elf pigletlet. Piglet. That's a piglet?
What's been going on with you, Jules?
Do you always get drunk on Easter?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
For Jesus. Yeah?
Nice try, Jews.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, dude.
This is the Andrew I like.
We got you, Jules.
So did you go egg hunting?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you did.
Something like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, what's in those little eggs, huh? A little bit of money. Really? Chocolate. Yeah, you did something like yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what's in those little eggs, huh?
A little bit of money really chocolate. Yeah you money and your buddies, huh?
Charlie day Jason Bateman right?
Aren't relevant
Yeah
Hollywood and so who did I go egg hunting with I have no idea your fancy friends. Yeah. Yeah, I was in Jenny
And yeah, of course Bradley Whitford the whole cast of
Bradley Cooper. Yeah, yeah
Bradley Whitford the whole and John Ham and I had lunch. Are you being real? No fuckhead
You know John. No, I met him once you do. Yeah one time I met him
Do you know John? No.
Oh, I met him once.
You do?
Yeah, one time I met him. Do it for like an hour looking at it.
Be honest.
Yeah, two hours.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I went, you know what, he deserves a wand.
He does.
Yes.
Thanks, Bob.
So, you know, when Voldemort or the Jews attack.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Yeah, stop it.
Good boy.
Maybe I regret getting that for McCone, but. Yeah. Yeah, he's going hog wild with it, Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do I laugh the whole time. Okay, how about this? Yeah. Will you come to an NBA game?
Yeah.
No you won't.
I will.
You won't.
If you get me tickets.
Would you come to a Dodger game?
Will you sit in a Dodger game?
I'll go with you.
Four hours?
I'll go with you.
No you won't.
Yes, if you.
You know you won't, I've offered you before.
I'll sign a contract going, I will go
if you go to a run on Sunsphere.
Carlos, can I get some help, for real?
I've offered you to come to, you don't to come never offer me have you ever not true?
Have you ever heard him offer me? Yes. Yeah, thank you, Andreas. Yes. Yeah, it has for the Lakers. Yes
I have I've yeah come you won't go to Laker. I love it if I'm sitting next to fucking Jack Nicholson. I'll do it
He's dead
No, but seriously you won't come to an NBA game I I will go this that's what it is. That's an idea women
That's your NBA. Yeah
But I left so hard like, you know, there was a play hi
I can't to get into is cuz it's doing in trouble. No, come on, please. Well years ago
I was on a game show and um
It was with Rob Kronkowski in that game show called Game On. Oh yeah. Right, and there was like.
It was terrible.
It was terrible.
It was terrible.
Dude.
Do do do do do do do do.
Anyway.
Bad TV.
So I did a joke and the producers.
Happy Easter.
The producers came up to me and they go,
we have to cut that out.
I go, why?
What did you say?
He goes, racist.
What did you say?
I said, there was a thing about Renaissance Fairs
and what's one thing about the Renaissance Faire
and I go, there's no black people.
And then they came up to me and got cut.
You can't say that.
Fact, literal fact.
When I went there, I saw three.
Do do do do do do do do do do do.
Wait a minute.
Yeah, but those, but these three though, special kind.
You know what I mean?
Oh wait, wait, look who we see. On the fourth picture in, look who we see on the fourth picture and look who we see.
My boy, my dog. Yeah that's my dog. James. Did you finish it? Yes.
Stop. Yeah yeah yeah. And I, it's a fire bothering you. Dude I love him. Stop. I love him. You can't do that. I just did it. I know but you can't do it. It was great. Yes
Fire bothering you mom, huh? Dad. This guy is so fucking James. He's the biggest dick cool
What he's the coolest guy. I'm the coolest guy. I'm so sorry James. I just imagined James is the man
But is he better than Connor Connor Connor and James are head to head.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For me, they're head to head.
Yeah, now.
Here's Connor, ready?
Yeah.
She's coming.
Oh.
Dude, I love that he pauses words.
Did you see the last episode?
Shh.
Did you?
Yeah.
Were you mad at me?
No, cause it was still hot.
What a beautiful, you know what?
Hot makeup.
Now we can talk about it.
Now you can.
Well, for the fans, it's too late now.
You had to watch.
But I, um.
Georgie.
When I kiss somebody, I wanna be like them.
Yeah.
Where it's like.
They want you to be like them.
The magic.
Yeah.
You know what I mean, the magic, the spark, you know?
And that's what I'm waiting for.
Well, Abby has been making up, remember,
do you remember we ran into Abby at the airport?
Remember this?
That was so funny.
We were going to Boston, where were we going, Boston?
We were going somewhere and Abby and her mom.
Do you guys remember this, who was with us?
No, Abby and her mom was there.
Yeah.
And then, I don't know,
I think I started the conversation with them first.
You did, there she is, there's Abby.
And she was so sweet.
That what? Would.
Would? Would, I would.
Abby. Carlos.
Carlos, Carlos, really got it.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Carlos. By the way,
when he says something perverse,
we always go do, do, do, do, do, do.
It's really low. Yeah.
She's the shit.
Carlos, shut up, shut up.
What would you do first Carlos?
Put on a Disney Plus, that's good. That's good. Right?
You know what I do get her some golf dolphin stickers love put some around the room love and she'll go
Yeah, whatever you know me and then what else?
That's good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jules.
Jules, did you watch that show?
No.
You don't see Love on the Spectrum, you don't watch that?
No.
What are you watching right now, White Lotus?
No, she doesn't watch that.
The Last of Us.
Is there Love on the Spectrum in the Philippines?
Imagine that.
Well, I see.
Yeah, they're drowning in a pool.
You want to climb this tree? You want to climb this tree?
You want to climb this tree?
I'm kidding.
So I don't like Last of Us
because of the mushroom zombies.
But that's the most realistic thing.
Because of the cordyceps.
Mushroom zombies?
Cordyceps, they do that.
Yeah.
That is the most real.
Well, I do have an itchy foot, is that from that?
You are my mushroom. I have fungi. You're my mushroom zombie. Yeah, yeah, I do have an itchy foot, is that from that? You are my fungi.
You're my mushroom zombie.
Yeah, I got rid of my fungi through the machines.
By the way, your nose double piercing.
That's right.
Looking good.
Good for you, dude.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
I just think you're not part of us anymore.
You left us.
Yeah, yeah, give her what you miss about her.
Well, here's the deal.
I love Jules.
We started the show with Jules.
And then every time I see her,
I'm like, oh, she's not ours anymore.
What do you mean?
You know what I mean.
Yeah.
Don't play dumb with me, pal.
Did she, I live with-
You disappeared.
You became a star on other shows.
Am I wrong?
Am I wrong?
I live with her.
I don't understand. Am I wrong?
Yeah, you're not wrong.
You don't even take care of his house well.
You're taking the money.
She abandons the dog sometimes, no?
Who famous? No, I don't. Today. You walk to even take care of his house well. She abandons the dog sometimes, no? Who famous?
No, I don't.
Today.
You walked him at noon at six o'clock
and now you're coming home?
That's fine.
Where were you?
Where were you?
Hanging out with friends.
No, don't.
Oh, dude, where were you?
Hanging out with friends.
You have no friends.
What?
You have no friends.
Do do do do do do do do do do.
Dude.
Thank you.
I went to the beach.
You went to 15 milk tea shops.
That's what you did.
Yeah, you do something weird like that
and the dogs need to get walked.
And why are they?
And they cry at night.
But they're not being walked.
Cause of you.
Yeah.
Cause you're negligent.
Sometimes.
Wow.
Oh my God.
What a mess, huh?
Did you ask for the jar head at the fucking hair plant place?
I did.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a weird.
Can I get the jar head from, you know?
Wait.
Full metal jacket.
I want the haircut from full metal jacket.
Fence.
Yeah, fence.
What is it?
It doesn't look good.
You have to wait.
You have to wait.
OK.
That's you.
That's you, dude.
Yeah, yeah. What do you do?
I don't know what I've been told!
That's you, dude. My God.
And are you mad that your people aren't in the new Star Wars?
Yeah, what the fuck? Crazy.
What do you mean? They just put porgs in there.
Yeah, porgy, in there yeah porgy porgy
porgy and with the milk it didn't be milting pork right with guns right
hi fuck Chewbacca can't eat us right that's you dude you look good yeah you
look great yeah let's go back to the victim you when you look at your penis
is it translucent it seems like it is. Okay. You
know what's rude? Put it in your pocket. Don't put it there.
Pervert. Yeah, you're gonna take your wand home, right?
Jules, what's been going on with Jules?
Well, you keep asking that dude.
Because she's not around anymore. I know. She left us.
Guys. I didn't leave you guys. Did she leave us? She's
graduating. No, no, look at the booth. Did she leave us? Yeah.
Thank you. She's graduating from No, no, look at the booth. Did she leave us? Yeah. Thank you.
She's graduating from college in two months, right?
Yeah.
Isn't that crazy?
She started this show when she was in high school.
I know.
Senior in high school.
I know.
But I didn't leave you guys.
Yes, you did.
Don't, don't, don't, don't.
I didn't.
Trash Tuesday and Tiger Belly, ask me.
Not you guys.
Fans at home, did she leave us?
Comment down below.
Yeah, comment down below.
You know you did.
No I didn't.
Who gave you the most fun opportunities?
Us.
And she doesn't take them.
No, yeah.
Come down to Long Beach.
Doesn't.
Get appreciated.
I don't want to.
I don't want to.
I don't want to.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's fine.
Yeah.
And now you're single, she's a hot shot, she's got money,
does whatever she wants, single. It's, it's. You know what's so funny about you two? You have a tour. You claim you're single, she's a hot shot, she's got money, does whatever she wants, single.
It's-
You know what's so funny about you two?
You claim you don't have a lot of money,
but that's a lot of Amazon packages for you.
A lot.
Because I need underwear!
Oh, that's not, nobody's ordering underwear.
And hangers!
Go to Ross!
I need underwear and hangers!
See, people like you-
People are like, ungrateful.
Ungrateful.
I can finish it for you. Ungrateful people.
Yeah, people are like- What has Tito Bobby done for you?ateful. I can finish it for you. Ungrateful people. Yeah, people like you.
What has Tito Bobby done for you?
Exactly.
Literally everything, and here you are
ordering underwear off of Amazon.
Do do do do do do.
Do do do do do.
Do do do do do.
Disgusting.
Heavy metal fucking.
Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Done! What have you done? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. What have you done for me?
Move away.
Can I tell you something?
What?
Fuck you.
When you posted that photo of you at the Renaissance Fair, I literally said, I go,
he looks happier than I've seen him in years.
Yeah.
No, I'm serious.
Put up the photo.
I'm not kidding.
I saw that photo today.
Which one?
With me and Britt or just me dancing?
You and Britt, dude.
I was like, you guys, you look so stoked.
You know why?
She's my friend, you know that.
I know, dude, but I'm just saying, you know why.
Why? So pretty.
Yeah, she's very, very pretty.
You know why? Yeah.
Because you're having, I can tell right there,
you're goofing, you're having fun.
And you're goofing, I said, oh man, he's goofing,
he's having a good time.
And I guarantee you, you got recognized a lot
and you were jamming and having a good day.
Well, I'll be honest with you.
Carlos.
I had two fairies.
Am I right?
I had two fairies, two executioners.
Who'd you get recognized?
The king.
A king recognized you?
Another one, this is a funny one, a man,
so he was holding something on a leash.
And there was like a man with no shirt on,
black leather pants, I don't know what he was.
He was holding something on a leash,
and I go, and I followed the leash down,
and there was another man,
as like a dog or something.
Sure.
Just crawling on the ground like that.
Sure.
Yeah, so you have that too.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
And the dog, the dog human recognized him,
he went, bad friends.
He said bad friends.
Yeah, bad friends. I like bad friends. Yeah, so that was was nice that's a real thing there by
the way you do see like people on leashes huh there's a lot of weird
things there a lot of trans which I support I do I know but yeah yeah and And he goes, he lady. Me sir, me sir, me sir.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that was one of those situations.
That's OK.
It's OK.
You're gathering information.
You're gathering information as you go.
It's a long walk.
It's a lot of walking.
What, Orange County?
Where was this?
It's in Pasadena.
Got to be.
It was long.
But it just goes on forever.
And then it's like, I eat crepes.
You like sweet or eat crepes.
Okay.
You like sweet or savory crepes?
Sweet.
Nutella?
Yeah.
Love.
With strawberry.
You like pink berry or yogurt land?
I hate pink berry so much it's unbelievable.
It's a fake place.
I know, it's not a fake place.
It's dog shit.
Give me ice cream.
Frozen yogurt is a lie. Am I right guys? It's a lie. It's not fake place. I know. It's dog shit. Yeah. Give me ice cream. Frozen yogurt is a lie.
Am I right, guys?
It's a lie. It's not a lie.
It's a lie.
Tell me this,
Pinkberry can't compete with Salt and Straw,
McConnell's, Van Luen,
it doesn't even come close.
It's a cleaner taste though.
But it doesn't satisfy you.
It does.
No, it doesn't.
With a chocolate malt crunch?
The fuck it does. Dude, chocolate malt crunch? The fuck it does.
Dude, chocolate malt crunch with-
Ice cream is better than frozen yogurt
every day of the week!
Everyone knows!
Ice cream- Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do I know, and you know what? I sent it to you on Cash App. You have to send it to me on Cash App. I already did, I already did. It's a safe, easy, and fast way to send, receive,
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Bobby and I are both a family and friends.
It's so easy to get started.
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And your money, my money showed up right away.
No, we're waiting around for days now, man.
It's your money, you shouldn't have to wait.
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Because you should, it does.
And by the way, I got scammed on one of these money transfer things.
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and go fishing.
That was me, dude.
That was you?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, wow.
Really good yellowfish.
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Ice cream is so much better than frozen yogurt. Everyone in your
nose. Please somebody please. Okay.
Pinkberry is dog shit. Are you lactose? Huh? Are you lact nose. Please, somebody, please. Okay.
Pinkberry is dog shit.
But are you lactose?
Huh?
Are you lactose?
No, I'm Christian.
Yeah, okay, I'm lactose.
I know.
But I'm converting to Christian.
You're the first Korean Jew that I've ever met.
I know, dude.
My Tommy Ho chili.
No, dude, you can't have ice cream.
I know.
When we go out, no, you have, you just take a lactate
and we're ready.
I like a lactate.
I like a lactate. I like a lactate. Can you have lactose? I don't buy still eat it
Yeah, your stomach gets upset man what it's like to be Jewish in South Korea
Let's zoom in. I'm shocked. Yeah, they are there
Wow, not one of those people of South Korea. Look at the one the hat right there. That's a that's like a Korean Jew
Right there a Korean. I can't wait to leave. Yeah, look at your little wand by the way. You like your wand? It's so nice
dude
What are you texting nothing you're on your shit
Here's the deal about Bob when he falls in love with somebody or falls, whatever, he's on his phone the whole time.
That's crazy.
You have another crush?
Hard, hard.
You love, you like this person a lot.
Do, do, do.
No, no, let me do my own.
I'm sorry.
Do, do, do.
Dating addiction.
Maybe cut that out.
Carlos thinks you have a dating addiction.
Well, you know, I've been looking up limerence.
Limericks from Ireland?
No, limerence.
And I would love you so very much.
What is it?
Limerence is an infatuation with somebody that's bordering on unhealthy.
Do you think that's what you have?
I don't know.
So I'm being mindful about how I behave.
You know what?
Why can't I deserve love?
You know what I mean?
That's what we're saying.
No, we're not saying.
No, we're literally saying, I want you to be happy.
Am I wrong?
I think you're a sabotager.
Why?
I don't know, man.
How? Would you ever hook me up with a friend of yours? Yeah, and can I think you're a sabotager. Why? I don't know, man. How?
Would you ever hook me up with a friend of yours?
Yeah, and can I tell you something?
Every time you date someone or starts talking to someone,
I do something.
What do you think I do?
A prayer.
And I'm gonna say this to the fans right now.
What do you think I really do?
A prayer.
No.
What do you do?
Every time you date somebody, I look into their profile.
And what's the first thing you think I do, Carlos?
What do you think I do with their profile?
Let me guess, you jerk off.
Uh-uh, Carlos, what do you think I do?
I think you look at the stories.
I see if- I think you look at the stories.
I see if, go ahead, McCone.
If she's following a bunch of other comics?
Uh-huh, thank you, McCone.
Okay.
I go, how many comics does she follow?
And then I also see, has she
DM'd anyone we know?
And the current woman that you're having a good time with,
Goose egg.
That means she's a good one, am I wrong?
She's not following a lot of comics
and she hasn't been DMing comics. That means she's legit, she likes- She's not a one. Am I wrong? Yeah. She's not following a lot of comics. Yeah, and she hasn't been DMing comics
Yeah, that means she's legit. She likes a chuckle fucker. Well, no, she likes Bobby Lee
Instead of liking the world of Bobby Lee
She likes Bobby Lee and that to me as the booth knows is the most important
Have I not supported you seriously?
Do do do do do do do enough of that?
We are gonna drive. it's gonna drive people crazy.
Yeah.
No, but am I being serious?
Yes.
When I see she's following other comments, blah blah.
And let me tell you something, I looked into golf.
And when I see a golf ball, right,
I look at it different because of you.
What do you do?
Sorry.
That's what happens.
It never arrives to me.
It drifts away from me like you do.
Here, I'll get it.
We got one of you that'll get it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good girl.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Nerd.
You mean?
Dude.
King dork.
And don't get offended by this, if I may.
Go ahead.
Right, but this, look, the texture of the ball
is kinda like your face.
Go on.
Go on. Well, I think if you were were younger maybe you had some acne. Yeah.
So I'm feeling those craters.
Oh you feel that?
Yeah.
And then but the center, there's a mass in there.
And that's the brain.
That's my brain.
Yeah and that's the brain.
And your brain is filled.
Thank you.
Yeah with knowledge. Thank you. Yeah and yeah. but this texture of the skin though is bad. Is it bad?
Not my favorite. Yeah. Yeah
So anyway, here you go
Yeah, I'll take that hit yeah, yeah, what do I you of? An ugly old 52 year old man who's single and sad
Wow that was fast that was fast and furious
Yeah, yeah, anyway, you're the prettiest guy you're pretty and who supports you more than me
Not these fucking clowns. Yeah.
Shut up.
Now that you're single, what are you gonna do, loser?
Eat pussy.
Jeez.
Oh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, are you on to girls?
Are you on to girls?
I don't know, but I'll try.
That's the thing about love on the spectrum.
The autistic kids, when they're like,
I don't know if I like guys,
they go right to Bi-Curious.
Bi-Motistic?
Yes.
Yeah, but the two girls in there got together.
Yeah.
Yeah, in their love.
I'm saying, Parry.
Yeah.
She likes trains, Parry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love her.
I love her, yeah.
So what, are you interested in chicks or no?
Yeah, anything.
No, you're open.
But you're leaning towards girls now?
No, just both.
Okay.
But I wanna try BBC too.
Huh?
What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what?
Big Black Cock?
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, yes.
Well, attention all BBCs,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, yes. Well, attention all BBCs, beep beep beep beep beep beep.
Yeah, yeah.
There it is, that feels good.
Wow.
Send in your, don't send in your penis,
that's disgusting.
That's disgusting.
Send in your what?
A video.
No.
No, no, because they'll do penis.
Like measurements.
No, no.
Your credit rating.
Yes.
Yes. Your credit rating. Yes.
Your credit rating.
Send him what kind of car you drive.
You drive a Challenger or a Charger
at CarlosInTheBooth at gmail.com.
Let's see if you can get some chocolate love down here
to send them in Central.
So when we're at the Renaissance Sons Fair,
we ran into a couple of little Asian girls.
They're in their 30s, but they're like smaller.
Forever girls. And we were eating ands, but they're like smaller.
Forever girls.
And we were eating and stuff like that,
and then my friend goes.
Yeah, they're going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yum, yum.
Look at that, there's Brad Williams.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stop, dude.
And then they look like librarians or whatever,
or you know what I mean, or like dental assistants. Dental assistants, yeah.
And then my friend goes,
oh, they're the two biggest OnlyFans.
So then I immediately go, what's their OnlyFans?
What do you mean?
There's two little people?
No, they're not dwarves,
but just smaller Asians that look cute
and look like engineers.
And they're famous OnlyFans.
Yeah, yeah.
And so then I frantically, you know what I mean?
They're in full cross-over,
I'm trying to get their OnlyFans.
What are they?
What's their name? Right, I'm not gonna say, but my point is that, please. Ooh la la, it was nice, nice, and so then I practically you know me with their foot crosser. We're trying to get their only fans put what are they? What's her name right? I'm not gonna say but my point is is that please and ooh la la it was nice nice nice
You never can tell you never can tell that's my thing. Are you gonna do apps now? You never do the apps
Like tinder oh like no inch tinder Raya
Try it Raya is yours right? That's what you're on. Yeah, you can get a probably right, but I don't like the guys on right
Raya's yours, right? That's what you're on?
Yeah, you can get a probably right,
but I don't like the guys on Raya.
To go get on, you know,
cause a fan ass flat.
Does your generation not do the apps?
They do, but like all the guys there just wanna fuck.
Yeah.
I think you're asexual, is that what it is?
No, but I mean like, isn't that what all the apps are?
Am I crazy?
Yeah.
Yeah, Fancy, you don't know.
That's why I don't wanna be there.
You don't know.
Fancy, you don't know.
I'm just looking for love. Yeah. You were never on the apps, right? You met your wife and where at a bar
What bar the Dodgers bar the Dodgers bar?
Do you do you mean the shortstop? Yeah, are you fucking kidding me? No, you met your wife at the shortstop
on Sunset
When you go in for a movie.
Jules shut up, honestly.
You're the one that's drunk.
I know.
Yeah.
And you know what, I'm drunk on Easter
and let me tell you something.
I'm hurt.
Oh, let's hear it.
Can I be honest?
Yeah.
I'm hurt.
Tell us about your hurt pain.
Because Jules was our.
Oh my God. She was one of the pillars of the show. And she went away. Tell us that you're hurt pain because Jules was oh my god
She was one of the pillars of the show uh-huh, and she went away
Do you're a fucking asshole right now you don't care about us anymore. I do no you don't I swear
Now you clean up the dog pooping you don't care
You know your behavior last night was uncalled for what I do
We're doing a show at the ice house usually switch Yeah. You know, your behavior last night was uncalled for. What did I do?
We were doing a show at the Ice House,
usually we switch, but you told me to close,
and then you're like, oh, I know.
Everybody wants the king to close, am I right?
Yeah, and then he goes, I will have nothing,
and then he goes up there and he destroys.
No.
With crowd work.
No.
And I got buried both sides.
I was rife in it.
Yeah.
I was mad rife in it.
Yeah.
My guy, Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew.
Dr. Drew came and saw us, he diagnosed us.
Yeah, yeah.
He gave us a breakdown.
This motherfucker can diagnose you live.
Yeah, he's a good guy though.
I gotta tell you, Bob is ready to film.
I'm not ready to film.
Yes, you are.
Bobby Zauer is so funny, and I've seen it.
For two years we were on the road.
Okay.
And now he's been doing this thing, and I not I'm not kidding it's you're so ready
it's crazy it's so funny it's funny to watch someone do it now I'm not I'm not
kidding I'm still not done man no he's yeah I need another 20 and I'm good he's
ready to rock another 20 it's actually but it's gonna be it's and we were
there with Kevin Nealon last night Nealon one of the greatest of all time
yeah so he's a liar passively he's a liar. Passively.
He's a liar.
What'd he do?
He goes, hey Kevin, did you go out?
Well, he goes, yeah I did.
But he didn't.
Yeah, not yet.
You can't get anything truthful from him.
I know.
Yeah, yeah.
Would you bring a date to the ice house?
Yeah.
Because you bring dates to the store.
I think it's, you know what?
Home territory is different though.
This new ice house, I hated it at first.
Why?
I thought they treated me poorly.
Really?
Yeah, and then I complained about it
on I think this podcast.
Yeah.
And then Johnny Busch called me.
And said, dude.
He goes, give us another chance.
You did.
And they switched it up,
and they treat all of us better now.
100%.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And now it's nice to go.
You feel better when you go down there?
I like the rooms.
I love them.
Yeah.
I will say, I miss the old ice house
for people that don't know.
It was all Mexican.
Yeah.
Give it to me.
Yeah, I love Mexicans.
Yeah, orderly.
I love Mexicans.
And it was more Mexican.
It's still some, but I liked when it was all Mexican.
I love Mexicans.
They're just great people.
They're just, I don't know, it's different now.
Am I wrong?
Please, come on.
Mexicans.
No, no, they're real Mexican.
Oh, you don't like Mexicans?
I love them.
I don't know.
No, no, seriously, you don't like them?
I love them a lot.
Why?
Just a couple of Mexicans today,
they had very yellow teeth
But those is an observation
Really because next to the Renaissance fair is a park and it's Easter right so you got a guy you know I mean
You know wearing like a he's got a mini moped. He's got like a spider-man hat on oh, yeah
You know I mean it's over put oh yeah, yeah, and there's all those you won't go you go from the Renaissance fair
To like, you know people, you know with real knives
You know, I mean it was like a completely different life there was a war they would win
Oh sure between the Renaissance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they would totally win. But you know, yeah, it's good
I love it.
Where was the Renaissance Fair?
In Pasadena.
But by the bowl or something?
No, it's like far.
It was a little farther than Pasadena, actually.
But it was not.
Where is that?
No, Carlos, don't start.
It's that, that whole green thing.
Irwindale.
See that whole green thing right there?
Way past.
Can you zoom in?
Buddy, that's so far past.
Where the lake is. Yeah. Yeah, that's exact, because the lake is a part of it. That's zoom in? Buddy, that's so far. Where the lake is.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's exactly,
because the lake is a part of it.
That's not Pasadena, dude.
Zoom out.
That's fucking, what is that called?
It's by Azusa.
Irwindale.
That's so far away.
It's pretty far, yeah.
It was Pasadena.
Yeah, Pasadena is 20 miles west.
So, were you well received?
What do you mean, dude?
Were people excited to see Bobby Lee at the Renaissance Fair?
You know, dude.
It's funny when I-
Patone, please.
When I was with my group, no one really said anything.
Shut the fuck up, dude.
But I did voyages on my own,
and that's when it started happening.
So you broke off from the group.
I had to break up from the group to do my little shopping.
Do you have to talk to people about it?
Do they have to say, let's before we dismantle,
we must organize?
It feels like they're plotting for war every time though.
No, yeah.
Oh no, they go, we'll go with it.
You know what I mean?
The mini cows are, meet us back there.
Mini cows.
It's a petting zoo.
Cows?
Little calves, yeah.
Really?
Did you pet?
I sure did.
You did?
Are there games?
Yeah, there's this says axe throwing spear throwing
Bow and arrow right with you know I mean I didn't do any of those activities
You don't want to try one of them no no no
Do the Spears and they were just so bad your group and I was ripping on them
I go oh my god. What do you have carpal tunnel? I was just like making fun of them if you could do one
What would you do?
Bow and arrow I think cuz Koreans are good at that are they oh when the guy
the guy from the and women really yeah we win every time in the let me see you
pose that's a bow and arrow if I've ever seen no it looks good yeah oh talk at
the point oh go yeah wow yeah right is. That's this that's the South Korean moment
She won these gold right? I'm amazing. What's her name third gold medal and son won and son won. That's our third gold medal
Yeah, and dude, that's gotta be so gangster. I mean, have you ever seen the splash brothers?
Steph Curry, you know, they're Filipino guys diving and they're trying to qualify for something.
Oh, and they, yeah, I can't, they can't.
I've seen them.
I mean.
Play it.
This guy's my guy.
The fourth one.
Yeah, well, it's all of them, really.
Dan Emerson.
Okay, good takeoff.
Not gonna make it.
Oh my God, by the way.
The second guy's worse.
When they pause it,
blah.
Jesus.
Jesus Christ.
Look at his face. Look at his form.
Look at his form, right on his back.
That's pretty good.
No high five.
Why would you high five?
No high five, all right?
If he high five, I'll move my hand.
How about John David Paiolio?
How do you say that?
He's gonna do it.
Paiolio?
Yeah.
I didn't see it.
Paiolio.
Here we go.
Paiolio.
Let's see if this guy.
John David Paiolio?
Try not to laugh, guys.
Just thinking about his nurse gig right after this.
Oh no.
Yes, sir. Jesus. He does this, but he lands on his feet it's incredible
I mean he's like talking in pain look at his face oh my god how are they so bad
how are they you surrounded by water the Philippines are surrounded by well you
have cliffs how are they that bad? I don't know.
Yeah, they're bad.
Look at his face, dude.
Look at that.
He took a shit midair, dude.
Look at him.
Oh my god.
Look at him.
His whole life flushing.
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A lot of Filipinos don't know how to swim.
Why? Why?
Because they don't go to the ocean.
No, but seriously, why though?
It's an island.
It's an island.
Well, some-
Islands, it's a chain of islands.
It's a chain of islands.
Some Filipinos-
It's not Nebraska.
Some Filipinos don't wanna get dark.
They don't bother going to the ocean.
In the sun.
Yeah.
In the sun, I see.
Yeah.
Okay, but did you ever use sunscreen as a kid?
That was not a thing.
That's our thing.
That's my thing.
But they won gold in weightlifting.
Oh, weightlifting.
Yeah, yeah.
Did they?
Yeah, female weightlifting.
And then I think Dottarte bought her
like a mansion or something.
Yeah, yeah.
So here you are, Jules.
Young, single, successful, fresh out of college, what's the next move for you?
Citizenship.
Yeah.
That's literally, it's him on the card.
That's incredible.
We should buy that.
Yeah.
Can we scratch all our money together to do that?
Look at how sick that looks.
You got the gold card.
Do you really want to be a citizen here?
Don't you like leaving?
She wants to live here forever.
I like staying here,
but I don't get why it's so hard to stay here.
What do you mean?
It's the best country in the world.
We get it, man.
You're from Texas.
Yeah, we do.
We get it, dude.
What is it?
Because in the Philippines,
there's so many white people,
white old people that just stays there for a long time,
but then here I can't stay for a long time.
Right.
Right, it's unfair.
It's unfair.
So the whites get to come and do whatever they want,
and you can't come here and do whatever you want, right?
Yeah.
Well, what's the Philippines main export?
Coconut. Right, some other fruit. The Philippines may export electronic products, particularly
integrated circuits, semiconductors. Okay. Okay, and coconut oil. Coconut oil. Copper,
nickel, gold. Yeah, office machine parts. that's great. Yeah, printers, you want to print something?
Oh, yes, so,
I'll probably see, outside companies
set up factories there, right?
For sure.
Yeah, yeah.
For sure.
So what's gonna happen to you now that you're single?
Are you gonna move back?
Cause you can't stay here, we don't want you here.
No, I wanna stay here.
No, no, not with Trump, you can't.
Guys, tell her, you can't stay. You need to join OnlyFans to survive. No, shut the stay here. No, not with Trump, you can't. Guys, tell her, you can't stay.
You need to join OnlyFans to survive.
No, shut the fuck up, man.
Carlos, you're a pig.
You're a pig, dude.
He's our daughter.
Is there a way to prove that I'm okay,
I'm an okay Filipino?
Yeah, I mean, there is ways to do it.
There's a test, isn't there?
Yeah, there's an okay Filipino test,
and we have't memorized.
We know Andrew and I have it memorized.
All right, go ahead.
OK, how fast can you climb a tree?
Like, really fast.
Like, a minute.
A 20-foot tree, right?
A palm tree.
How fast can you climb that?
Go.
Like, two minutes.
Oh no, there's poop right there.
What do you do with it?
You eat it.
That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's two for two. What do you do with it? You eat it. That's right.
That's right.
That's two for two.
Yeah.
A dwarf with two knives are attacking you.
But from the sky, a lady with two knives is attacking you.
What do you do?
What do you do?
You stab the dwarf.
Yes.
That's the right crack.
And then you just say hi to the guy.
Yeah.
That's how you do it, dude.
Because she fell off a building.
That's right.
She was cooking something on the 15th floor
and she fell off.
Okay, here comes someone in the building.
Hi, Rudy, I'm your great, great, great, great, great aunt
and you know me, do you remember me?
I need money, what do you do?
Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right, that's right.
Okay, it's three in the morning you hear a noise you go outside right
and you see a half Filipino man half wolf right and half chicken so three
halves three halves right what do you do you kill it and you roast it and you eat it? Yeah. Oh. What else do you do?
And?
You.
You.
You fuck it?
You fuck it.
You fuck it.
You fuck the human part.
Oh yeah.
That's very good.
You eat the fucking chicken and the fucking wolf part.
Pretty easy.
Very easy.
If you have a baby, right, it is a wolf baby.
That's a wolf baby.
That's a wolf baby?
Yeah, yeah, with hair on the face.
You know, like Barnum and Bailey.
Yeah, what a circus.
What a circus.
What?
It's a circus.
What a circus.
What do you do?
You eat it because it's an animal?
No, no, that's your kid!
No, that's wrong!
Right, no.
Ah!
No!
Praying mantises do that?
Yeah, you know!
Propecia!
What is that?
You give it a hair medication. No, propitia!
What is that? You give it a hair medication.
Yeah, yeah, although that helps it grow, right?
Fuck, I got it wrong.
I think, yeah.
So do you wanna, I'm being genuine,
do you wanna get back into the dating scene or no?
Not right now.
Yeah, the wounds are too fresh.
Yeah.
But when you do get back out, you want to only date women, huh?
Not only, but...
What kind of woman do you want, though?
Do you want like a girly girl or like a...
Girly girl.
Girly girl.
Right.
Like who's your crush?
My crush?
Like what female famous person is your crush?
Girl crush?
Is it like a girly girl?
So it's gotta be like,
is it like a Margot Robbie?
No, like the girl from The Last of Us that plays Dina.
Who's that?
Look that up.
It's so pretty.
Isabella Mercer.
Shut up, fancy with the bullshit, with the fucking accent.
Isabella Mercer.
Like she's so pretty.
She is, but is that your style, that's your type?
That's what you're looking for?
So.
Not white.
Not white.
All right, fans, we get it.
Yeah, you have a particular fear of the white.
Yeah, what is your fear of the white?
You have the fear of the white, what is it?
Well, I tried white dick and I told you guys
that that was too translucent.
Yeah, like, I understand.
You wanna see everything in there, right?
Right.
You don't see all the veins, how the inner working.
You wanna see how the sausage is.
Just wanna see the sausage.
You just wanna cover it.
So now with women, your favorite kind of woman is like that.
Tan, small.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
All the best.
No, let me ask you something.
Are you still buzzed?
Oh yeah, I'm buzzing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you tell?
Yeah.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Carlos.
Happy birthday dear Carlos.
Happy birthday to you. Yay.
Thanks y'all.
How old are you Carlos?
38.
Damn.
Yeah.
What's in there, is that a sweet green salad?
Yeah, the basic salad.
Damn dude, that's so fucking sad.
That's your cake?
Oh, I mean. The tail?
On my actual birthday was Saturday.
I played the Indiana Jones game and just hung out with my dog.
Who texted you on your birthday?
You and Bob.
He did?
Mm-hmm. Yes I did.
Did he?
He really did.
I really did. Did he? He really did.
I really did.
Did anybody else?
McCone called me this morning.
Did Fance?
Fancey didn't.
Interesting, dude.
Fancey texted me and said,
is Carlos' birthday today?
I said, it was yesterday.
Go ahead.
Wow.
Go ahead, fuckhead.
I knew it was around 420.
What do you mean you knew it was around?
His favorite holiday.
So you didn't know it was birthday
and you just didn't wish him a happy birthday?
Yeah.
Wow, dude.
You have anything to say for yourself?
Yeah.
This is a crew.
I know.
Jetski hit me up.
Did she?
She didn't.
Nice try.
Yeah, nice try.
All about herself.
The lady that happy birthday. Oh, fuck off, that doesn't count doesn't count who we're playing London who's going who didn't text you for your birthday that hurt you
The most for real like who didn't acknowledge your birthday that actually bothered you. Oh, cuz I find it real for you
Yeah, because as we get older right Bob. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah as we get old
No, because all the restaurants are closed,
I'm hungry so I'm ordering to get delivered to my house.
You're waiting till now?
We had all night to order food.
Literally all night, it's nine o'clock, it's 9.30.
Yeah, but after this podcast,
I'm gonna go straight home and it'll be ready for me.
Okay. Okay.
What's your problem, dude?
Continue with your fucking-
You're my problem, bud.
No, bud. And that's problem, bud. No, bud.
And that's a strong word right now, bud.
We're not at bud level.
You're acting a little silly right now, dude.
Carlos.
Who didn't text you that bothered you the most?
Probably exes.
Like my ex-wife didn't hit me up.
Why would your ex-wife hit you up?
Yeah, just to acknowledge it.
And then the girl I dated after who had a boyfriend,
she didn't hit me up either, because she's engaged now.
Well, yeah, bud.
And then the other girl also didn't.
Yeah, dude, outside of exes, because women, that's tough.
Any girl texted you?
Yeah, a couple girls hit me up. Hanny. Hanny? Yeah, she's tough. Any girl texted you? Yeah, a couple girls hit me up.
Hanny.
Hanny?
Yeah, she's hot.
Who's Hanny?
Hanny from Miami.
What guy, what buddy, what guy friend
that you're close with didn't hit you on your birthday
that bothers you?
I think the real answer is Andres,
but I can't really get mad at Andres.
It's this weird thing.
Did Benji text you?
I brought you pizza. Yeah, he brought me pizza. Let me ask weird thing. Did Benji text you? I brought you pizza.
Yeah, he brought me pizza.
Let me ask you something.
Did Benji text you?
Benji did not text me.
Was it shocking when I texted you?
Yeah, because we had just gotten in a big fight last week.
You guys fought?
Oh, but we didn't fight for weeks.
It's been going on.
It's been going on for a while.
He never had texted me.
What?
You never texted me.
For what?
For anything.
Okay.
Exactly.
I text you all the you talk whenever I call fancy
yeah when he picks up they go this is a bad idea I know me too hey Andrew yeah
nevermind goodbye so there's going on in the background like where you in a
fucking air the guy the guy works or the sound like, There's like a sound, like, e, dude. It's impossible that she likes you.
Impossible.
Who, the baby or the wife?
Both.
I think it's an impossibility.
So honestly, Carlos, a few people didn't text you,
and it's okay, you don't have to call them out,
but there's a few people that didn't text you
that it bothers you.
Yeah, also that same person that didn't text me
is gonna have a baby and they didn't tell me.
Seriously? Yeah. Wow. And I was like, a baby and they didn't tell me and I was. Seriously? Yeah.
Wow.
And I was like, oh, they don't wanna tell me.
Holy shit.
Does that fuck you up?
It makes me feel like I'm being separated from my friends
and I'm drifting in space.
Well, let me tell you something.
And I'm being honest, can I be real?
Let's get real for once, yeah.
A lot of my friends have kids.
There's a thing that happens when you don't have kids
where you're not invited and honestly, I get it.
I get it.
You don't wanna be invited.
Dude, shut the fuck up.
Honestly, honestly, shut the fuck up.
Did Sebastian ever invite you to his little kid things?
No, but that would never be.
We're not close.
I used to go there.
We're not close like that.
Okay.
But I'm saying friends of mine outside of the business,
they have kids and they feel weird not inviting us
and I understand, but there's also a moment of like,
like today, like Easter Sunday today.
I'll come over and do the thing.
Like do what?
Hunt?
I wanna hunt for eggs.
Hunt for kids?
What are you doing, dude?
For eggs.
What is this, Hunger Games? Yeah. I'll go hunt for kids. I'll go have an egg hunt for eggs. Hunt for kids? What are you chewing, dude? For eggs. What is this, Hunger Games?
Yeah.
I'll go hunt for kids.
I'll go have an egg hunt.
Yeah.
I'm a fun guy.
Not really.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, there's a thing about-
I'll do it.
I know, but in your face, your eyes crinkle, right?
You do smile, but the cheeks is rage.
Have you noticed that?
Yeah. You'll go like this, right? No, but I'm a rage. Have you noticed that? Yeah.
You'll go like this, right?
No, but I'm sorry, I'm a good uncle,
I'm a great uncle, but it's like,
I'll come over and do the egg thing.
I think people feel bad about inviting us
because they're like, you don't have kids,
we don't invite you.
Oh yeah.
And it feels weird.
You don't get invited, well you don't get invited.
Or, you know what I hate too is when comics go,
I go, you got married?
And they go, yeah, like last year.
How many people came? What? Like 500. And they go, I've, you got married? And they go, yeah, like last year. How many people went?
Like 500.
And I go, I've helped you.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, you're shocked.
I'm shocked.
Like, dude, I helped your career.
I'm because, yeah, it's because of me.
I wouldn't go, but I want the invitation.
You know what I mean?
Coarsely invites you, whatever it says.
Why do you want the invitation?
You're never gonna go.
I've gone to a couple.
Whose wedding do you go to?
Sebastian Mataskako and Dr. Ken Jeong.
I have a question.
Yeah.
Here we go, jazz it up.
Do you guys ever get ingrown hairs in your balls?
Can I tell you something that's crazy?
This is nuts.
I lotion my nuts every day now.
Because I have eczema, you know?
Like I have.
In your balls?
Wait, check this out.
You really have eczema?
Dude, check this out.
I have eczema all over my body.
You're a stinky fucking dirty fucker.
No, it's not stinky.
It's just dry skin.
It's not good, dude.
Oh my God.
Okay, dude.
It's dry skin.
It's disgusting, dude. It's what fucking. It's not good, dude. Oh my God. Okay, dude. It's dry skin. It's disgusting, dude.
It's what fucking Jeremiah Watkins gets.
I had eczema. All over his body.
I had eczema, this is wild.
I had eczema all over my body one time, dry skin.
I got eczema on my balls.
And the doctor said...
And the doctor was like,
just fucking lotion up your balls.
Yeah, dude. But I do lotion my balls. I fucking lotion up your balls. Yeah, dude.
But I do lotion my balls, I lotion my balls every day.
Yeah.
Now I over lotion my balls.
Yeah, I have pores on my balls that, you know what I mean?
No, I'm serious, I over lotion my balls now.
Okay.
Do you guys put lotion on your nuts?
Never, I do it every day.
Dude, your butthole is so ugly.
Why?
It's just one of the ugliest buttholes I've ever seen.
Look who's talking. Yeah, two, partoles I've ever seen. Look who's talking.
Yeah, two, part two is my favorite one.
Look who's talking, part two.
Wait, why do you ask that?
Because I just got my first ingrown
and it's like a big cyst.
Oh.
And it's so painful.
On your conchita?
Oh yeah. Don't call that that.
What is that?
Pussy.
Oh.
Okay. Wait, you got an ingrown hair?
Yeah, it's so painful.
Gross.
Cause I didn't exfoliate.
Right.
Once like before your shave.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't wanna hear about it.
It's disgusting, dude, that's disgusting.
You know what?
And I was looking for advice for you guys.
Okay, here's the deal, I'll tell you,
Bobby could tell you, Bobby and I both here's the deal, I'll tell ya, Bobby could tell ya.
Bobby and I both know.
The deal with ingrown hairs, you gotta use witch hazel.
Witch hazel, look this up, I'm not kidding.
Look up witch hazel, look, for people at home,
witch hazel is a great ingredient,
you can put on everything, it reduces inflammation,
right, Los, look it up, there it is.
Yup, Tux cooling pads with witch hazel.
This looks nice.
Yeah, it's got, protects from irritation, hemorrhoids,
and other problems.
Tux, man.
Yeah.
Anyway, thank you for being a bad friend.
I mean, what the fuck? Thank you for being a bad friend