Bad Friends - Rudy Rejects a Cute Guy

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

Thank you to our Sponsors: https://www.doordash.com code: BADFRIENDS2022 & https://www.onnit.com/badfriends &  http://hellotushy.com/badfriends & https://betterhelp.com/badfriends YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriends 0:00 Scouters in Austin 6:04 Bobby, the Voice of Reason 10:36 Rudy is Acclaimed at the Life Show 16:06 Andrew's Nightmare Trip to Dallas 29:31 Switching Seats on a Plane and The Shrimp Salad 43:09 Peeing on Plane's Sinks 47:54 Is Rudy Hollywood Now? 52:45 Rudy's Confession to Dr. Drew and Fancy's 45 seconds 1:00:23 The Bad Friends Tour 1:05:08 The Reason of Bobby's Success More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andres Rosende & Pete Forthun This podcast episode was sponsored by Candy Crush Sponsorships: on for this episode Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Anchor. If you haven't heard about anchor.

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No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Go to the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. So Friday night we're at Austin Moontower Comedy Festival. What a fun time.

The whole day was magical. It really was. It really was. Just doing the little zing zing. What's it called? What's a zing zing? Scooter. Scooter.

Yeah, yeah. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. So Bobby, you've never been on a, on a, on a, what do we do? Bird scooters? I had it on my app.

Of course I've done it before. What were you doing? I do know what I'm doing. I was zipping a zootie. Yeah. I was zipping a zootie. First of all, we all binged the fucking scooter and then you just leave everybody. That's exactly.

Did he leave everybody? Yeah. I was like. I was like a half a mile down. I was like, where the fuck is everybody? You didn't want to stay with us? I'm a zoom machine. Zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip.

And then so I got Rudy's, hers kept locking on her, which was very funny because she can't physically push it. She's too weak. Yeah, she's way weak. She's like, yeah, it was my first time though, I know, but it was so funny. How is it a 19 year old? It's her first time on the scooter. Old losers like us, I'd been on dozens of times.

Yeah. How have you never been on a bird or a Lyme or a. I don't go out. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. You know what? Yeah. So, so there's no COVID on zip zoomers.

Yeah. There's no. Well, there wasn't any COVID on those things. Fucking guy. I know. He's trying to ruin the fucking pocket. He's doing a great job. I'm trying to get my zip singer in.

Sorry. Yeah. There you go. Well, that's it. Cut his mic off. Yeah. So we zipped doomed around town around South Congress because the goal was we wanted to get Rudy Jules a pair of cowgirl boots and Bob and I got her, I think the dopest pair.

It's got little hearts on it. Did you like it? I really like it. And we got blown up on South Congress. Everybody wanted to say hi and take a picture. So shout out to Austin. Fun fun fun. Then we had delicious, delicious pizza.

Shout out to home slice pizza in Austin. The best pizza I think I've ever had not ever know because the element you don't expect it out of Texas. Correct. Number one. Surprise. It was a number two. I was so hungry.

Hungry. We were big time. Hungry. And you were like, we'll wait for the Mexican food later. You know what I mean? Because we went to a nice restaurant. We do well. Okay.

Yeah. Well, you raged out. We had to talk about that. We did. I didn't rage. Yeah, you did. We had the pizza and then we. So we talked to Maddie.

And I said, Hey, every, because every time I'm in Austin, he's been, he's been there twice with me and I was there and then we went out to eat and he suggested we should go to this restaurant. Do we need to say it? We don't need to say it. I need you to say it. It's called Suarte. Suarte.

And how does your fancy say it? How do you say it? Suerte. Suerte. Suerte. So I had been there with Maddie. And he was like, you should go back. You know, the chef loves you.

Those guys are fans. So just let's just paint the scenario. Okay. So it's a moon tower comedy festival. A lot of out of towners are on town. It's a hot restaurant. Yeah. So they're booked to the gills.

They don't have the room, but you know, Andrew is Hollywood and he has connections. Of course. So he calls Maddie and goes, can you call the chef to get us a room, right? So Maddie calls the chef, chef's like, all right, I will make room for inside the restaurant. You're set up. You're all good to go. You're all good to go. We show up, right?

And the hosts act as if they have no idea and they're like outside is the only thing. And I was like, but we called in advance and she said, well, I think it's only down here for five. And I said, I know, but we have one more and no restaurant on fucking earth has a five top and not a six top. It doesn't exist. Yeah. You would just add a fucking leg to the tables are even numbers two, four, six.

So a five top is sitting at a six top table like you never go like, Hey, you get in my car. There's four people. My only car only seats three. No, it doesn't happen. It doesn't happen. That's like in the restaurant. So she was a little rude to us, to be honest, be honest, because I was being, I was holding

my calm and I was like, there's no way that you can get this done. This is exactly what I was not being mean. Was that mean? No, but your face turned bright red. And I am really red. Yeah. And you're a mumbling to yourself. I do.

You know, I walk away and I can't fucking believe I mean, I said, I'll shoot up the whole block. You came out hot. You sat next to me as like, I can't fucking believe I say, so should I call Matt, you know, me? I was like, well, should I go? Well, I want to rectify the situation because she fucked me off. She literally goes.

No. So she said, she said, there is no table inside. And I said, what do you mean? I thought there wasn't. She goes, yeah, we don't. That's not. It doesn't seat six. I said, we can scrunch in.

We have a mini person. A half person. Yeah. She's a half person. She's so skinny and tiny. And I go, we can sit together. That's not considered human. Huh?

She's not even considered humans. Well, we already know she's a little layling. We'll get to you in a second. Yeah. So then I walk outside. I walk out and I'm like, well, what are we going to do and everybody was in a good enough mood that we said, we'll just eat outside. It's hot as fuck.

It was muggy as shit. Yeah. I was sweating balls. My nuts. One of my nuts was inside my butthole, literally inside my butthole and my penis was holding on to the other nut. Let's be honest. My penis was curled under my ball.

The honest truth is inside you're like, I'm Andrew Santino. No. Just let's be honest. I didn't want to eat it. I didn't. Did you want to get outside? I'm very humble. Fuck you.

I'll eat. Fuck you. No. You are not humble. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yeah. Admit it.

You're like, I can't believe I'm Andrew Santino. A headliner. Did I say that once? No, but it's everything's behind his mumbling. No. No, no, no. You read between the lines, friend. Stop.

Thanks. I like eating outside. Thank you. I like eating outside, but it was hot and gross. I didn't want to be outside that night. We wanted to be inside. Yeah. But so.

So why are you angry? Because I want to be inside. You're Hollywood, Andrew. No, I want to be inside. All right. I don't want to eat outside at a fucking picnic table. Oh, so we had a fucking five star restaurant. All right.

So for what? In the part by the fucking handicapped stall. But what I did. We sat in the fucking handicapped parking spot. But remember what I did. Which was good for you. Do you remember what I did? And I'm not handicapped.

Yes, you are. All right. Yes, you are. Even when you sat down. You sat in yourself. So even me, I was just like, I was the voice of reason. How am I the voice of reason? I'm the one going.

Andrew Tom will just eat outside and you're just ranting and raving. So that's how I know there's something behind it. I was annoyed that we couldn't eat inside. We deserve to eat inside. I know what it is. I know what it is. I don't like, I don't like, I don't like things that are illogical. It's not logical to say I can seat five but not six.

It doesn't make sense. No, I think what it is. I saw the table. Hear me. Hear me out. I saw the six tops. Since you hooked it up. You called Maddie, right?

You did all that. I couldn't come through. Yeah, and it was embarrassing. It was embarrassing. You didn't have the power to get us inside. Well, no, because I, because I didn't flex any power. In fact, the chef saw us. You had no power.

That's what we were set outside. No, no, no. You had no power. Time out. Time out. Time out. That's not true because it ended up being to our advantage and I'll tell you why. I know.

When we went outside and we did a thing, I didn't say anything mean to the host, but they had no idea that this reservation had been set up through the chef. So of course Maddie made a phone call unbeknownst to us because we told him what happened. We sent him photos. I was like, thanks for the parking lot spot. Appreciate it. It's so passive aggressive. Yeah, it was.

It was. Thanks for the rest. Love. Love. I loved sitting by the dumpsters. Yeah. I said, me and the valet took a picture. Me and the valet are going to have appetizers.

Yeah. So you sent that to Maddie. No, dude. Did you text him at all? Yeah, of course I did. What'd you say? He said, thanks for the reservation. No, he said.

No, no, that's not that. Go ahead. Thank you. And he says, you know the chef, like sitting by the handicap spot. Very good. Nothing says, you know the chef, like sitting in the handicap parking spot outside. Yeah. But okay, so let me say this.

So I didn't make it. I said, let's have a good night. We were with my friend Chelsea. We're all together, the bad friends crew. And I said, we're going to have a good night. Okay. And then one of the chef comes out to, to come by and say hello because he was like, hey man, I'm so happy that you're back.

Thanks for coming. And they started sending out a ton of shit. They sent out a fuckload of food. They sent out free shots. Free shots. And who took shots? Yeah. Two of them.

Two of them. Yeah. Because I'm not drinking. And so Bob's not drinking. So Bukowski over here wrote a novel in the parking lot. Yeah. Lacked out. Poetry.

Yeah. It was actually, she was very, she was speaking like Bourdain-ish when she was like, nothing says sweet like a little Mexican coyote sauce spread evenly around the beef tongue as it slides its way into my belly. It was really smooth. Did you hear her in the parking lot? She doesn't know half those words. I don't know why I remember that.

Because you were drunk. You were drunk. Because you were drunk, you pig. You were drunk. Food was amazing. Food was so good. Tuarte's so good. So then they sent that a bunch of good food.

And then in a moment of sheer panic, Bobby was like, we should, Bobby the whole night was like, we don't need to do fucking sound check. Fuck sound check. Thinking he's like a rapper from the 90s. He's like, we show up. And guess what? What? Then in the middle of the meal, he goes, we should go do sound check.

I don't know why. You started to get nervous. That's why it came over me. We should do sound check. We should do sound check. Well, I'll tell you why. So you jump in a van with the whole Bad Friends crew and leave me there. That's true.

I did. I loved you there and I apologize. But let me see. And they kept sending food. They kept sending. Literally. We had fucking, they sent out prime rib. They sent out beef cheek.

They sent out more fucking dip, more quesadilla. So I boxed it up, brought it to the venue and this fucking piece of shit goes, I don't eat leftovers. I don't. It's high end food. I don't eat. You said I'm hungry. Regardless if it's McDonald's or high end, I don't eat it in my body.

It's okay. I don't eat it. It was like a $200 steak that they gave us. I don't eat it. I like fresh. Well, I'll say to all the fancy chefs out there, I'll eat leftovers. That's fine. So they rushed to do sound check and leave me there.

I'm glad we did that too, because there was, you know, problems, no problems, but was there problems? No, no, but it was like, I had to go. I had to go. How is this going to work? It's because the chairs were already out there, so I'm like, the chairs out will be in the chairs. You know, I kind of orchestrated how it was going to work.

Which was good, because you did do a good job. And when we got there, the only problem was the festival had double booked Brian Simpson, who we love, one of my favorite comics. And Brian was going to come do time. And then Trevor, it got asked by Bobby to come do some time too, because Brian wasn't going to make it. Yeah. And Brian was not happy that the festival made him like, come to the venue, then they

put him in a car, took him away to do another spot, so he missed his spot for our show. And on our show, Trevor did great time, then we did time, and then... The show was... The show was great. I got to be honest. Did you have a fun time? It was flawless. It was good.

And when they said your name, and you came out there, oh my God, the building shook. She's petrified, and she doesn't want to come out, but fuck it, all right? Rudy Jules, give her a round of applause. You know, she had the best joke of the night. That's the first time after where she goes, I like it. Did you really? Mm-hmm. I liked it.

Because we chanted before, we had a little chant. We said, bad friends, bomb. Bad friends, bomb. Yeah, I remember. Because you got to shake away the bomb, because she was worried about bombing. But the first joke she had was probably the joke of the night. She said she looked around and goes, it's too many white people. Yeah.

Which is honest. And it crushed. It crushed. But then we turned the house lights up, and there were a lot of brown. Were you surprised at how many brown there was? Yeah, there were a lot. We get down with brown. We get down with brown.

Why everyone? You know, they just have to be fucked up internally. Well, they are. They like our stuff. You could tell by the questions that came out of the audience, we have such fucked up fans. Fucked up fans. Such fucked up fans.

Two brothers that didn't even sit in the same row together. All right, all right. They came together and they sat 30 feet away from each other. So wait a minute, you weren't, you weren't, where were you two supposed to sit? I wasn't supposed to come over here. You weren't supposed to come at all? I had to work tomorrow. Yeah.

You got to work tomorrow? I caught out. You caught out sick? Yes. God bless. Where do you work? Where do you work? An hour away.

Wait, tell me what it is. An hour away. The company's called an hour away. Where? Temple. Temple. Temple. You were Jewish?

No, no, no, no. I'm not Jewish at all. Mexican. I've never seen a Mexican Jew in my life, but happy Passover. Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. So you, you, you were in a company called Temple? Yeah.

And what did they do? A small town. Exactly. What did he say? Small town. Then we had a hot guy in the front. The whole Temple stuff was funny. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dr. Drew came and did some time with us and dissected Bobby's relationship with him in addiction, which was really nice. Yeah. And then afterwards, I mean, it was just a magical night and then I didn't see you after the show. Well, you guys want to go get pizza. And so now tell me the nightmare.

It started unraveling the next day. So here's what happened. I ended up going to my friend, Chelsea, and I and her friend went to Soho House to just have dessert because I'm not drinking right now. So I said, I'm just going to go have a little bit of dessert and then go to bed happy in my hotel. And I did. I had a fat ass ice cream Sunday and three chocolate chip cookies.

And then I went to my hotel and I took a little duper pooper and I sat on TikTok for a while and laughed and I rested my little head and I had such a nice day. You deserve it. Then on the next morning, I go to my little airline, my little flight, my little tiny puddle jumper plane, 37 minutes, and Emma Roberts, she was on my plane. And the plane is only like 12, 10 people. It's a little tiny plane. All right.

So Emma Roberts, is that Julia Roberts' daughter? It's her niece. What is it? Oh, it's her brother's daughter. Is that what it is? I have no idea, ma'am. I'm just guessing. That's a real good guess.

Thank you. Because you should do it again because let me see. Because Eric Roberts is an actor. Yes. That's Julia Roberts' aunt. That's right. Yeah, you're correct. Okay.

So she was on my flight and I thought, what a good luck charm. What a good luck charm. It would seem like a good luck charm. A cool, popular actress is on my flight. Yeah. It's going to be a great day. Yeah. So I get off the flight.

I unload my bags. Smooth flight? No. Very, very bumpy. Okay. But I kept staring at Emma Roberts saying, is everything okay? And she kept turning and going, I guess, which I don't know if this is the white power symbol or the okay.

But that's what she kept doing to me. And so then we got into, I got into Dallas and I said immediately, I get to my hotel. I'm ready to go. Room's not ready. But you know what? What? That's okay. Are you sure?

Right now it's okay. Were you mumbling? Yeah, a little mumbling. A little mumbling. All right, all right. All right. I thought, oh, it's not. Yeah, yeah.

But I checked in on the app already on my phone. See, here's what's funny about you, what I realized, is you mumble so that other people can hear it. But it's not directed at them. Well, you tell, okay, you be the hotel clerk and say your room's not ready, Mr. Santino. Hi, welcome to the four seasons. It doesn't matter. Does it matter?

Welcome to the Marriott? Sure. Okay. Welcome to the Residence Inn. Try again. Just the Residence Inn. Red Roof Inn. Welcome to the Red Roof Inn.

Red Roof Inn. Welcome to the Motel 6. Thank you. Uh-huh. I'm sorry, but your room isn't ready yet. Oh, it's not. No, it's at three o'clock. It'll be ready.

And it's about three o'clock right now. Yeah, but the guest that was sitting there is, she's packing up now, so it's going to take us a little bit. No, that's not a big deal. Yeah, yeah. Roast beef, things like that. You know what I mean? I've already checked in on the app.

I already checked in on the app. Why would you fucking make a check in on the fucking app? The room's not ready. That's not a big deal. I'll just leave my bags here. So that's what you do. So I left my bag. Right.

And then I went to my favorite area of downtown Dallas, right here. I went Deep Ellum, which is my favorite. I had one of my best days of my life in Deep Ellum. This sounds like a great day so far. No, no, no. A year ago I had a best day. Oh, I see. All right.

A year ago I had to drive fancy cars because my buddy owns a car shop and then I got to go to Deep Ellum and I danced my balls off with my buddy Chris O'Connor. I remember that. I saw the video. So I went back to Deep Ellum and guess what, that place that I wanted to go to, closed out. Closed out. COVID.

No, they just couldn't make it. They did not make it. They did not survive. And so then I said, that's okay. Hit number one. That's okay. That's okay. Yeah.

I was a little like skate shop and I bought this cool hat because I was like, I like Deep Ellum. That's a cool hat. That's a cool hat. I was like, still in a good mood. I'm going to have a good day. Great. I don't give a shit.

Yeah. Two bad things though. Two bad things. Settle in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They come in threes. Yeah, I know. And mine was three times three.

All right. So then I said, not a big deal. I'm just going to get some good old Texas barbecue. Okay. Great. Great idea. Thank you. Great idea.

So I go to this barbecue place that's near there. Yeah. And I said, can I order here? Do I need to wait in the line? And the guy says, you can absolutely order here. No problem. I said, wonderful. So I said, I would like the brisket and he said, you got it.

He said, brisket plate. I said, sure. What are the sides? I said, you pick your two favorites. He says, you got it. Never do that. He was a hefty. He looked like he had a lot of food.

He had tried a lot. You could tell he had tried a lot of food. He's fat. Yeah. I've just said, he looked like he had tried a lot. I'm just trying to visualize it. Was he fat? He looked like a guy that had tried a lot of food.

Okay. So anyway, I said, you pick. He picked. Okay. My number being 196. Yeah. I get up and it is a pulled pork sandwich and mac and cheese. And I was like, nope.

I had a brisket plate. And she goes, no, you didn't. And then I said, I did. And I said, so let me, let me, let's on the waiter. No, you, you got a brisket plate. Oh, is that because I definitely told him I wanted to, no, I wanted the brisket plate. It says right here on the receipt. Pull pork.

Is that what it says on there? Brisket plate. Oh. I mean, it says the sandwich. Yeah. It says the sandwich. I went wrong. Wait, did you just say that?

It's backwards. Oh, it is. Yeah. Pull pork sandwich and mac and cheese. That's what it says. Okay. Because if you do it upside down, it says, yeah. So anyway.

Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm dyslexic. Yeah, definitely. It doesn't fucking say that. But let me go. Okay. That's fine.

So I went back to the bar and I said, Hey, did you perhaps put in? This is what I wouldn't do. It doesn't matter. I wanted the brisket. No, I don't want the sandwich. Okay. So I went back to the bar calmly and I said, Hey, brother. Was it calm?

Huh? Was it calm? You'd be the bartender. Okay. Oh, is he puking? No, I'm just. What is it? I've eaten a lot.

Oh, you're stuffed. I'm just, that's just my just natural demeanor. Sorry. Oh, hey. Hey, brother. Oh, hey. Hey, remember when I was saying, I think I ordered the brisket plate and I said, you choose the fun sides.

But this is a pulled pork. You said choose. You said choose. No. I meant the sides. Yeah. I read to. Okay.

So literally that's exactly what happened. Exactly. He thought I meant you choose and but I said, can I have the brisket plate? You choose the sides. Yeah. He chose the whole fucking thing. All right. Okay.

Okay. I didn't want the sandwich. All right. Fine. So of course he goes, all right, I'll put it in for you. I said, could I get the lean brisket? There was two choices. Here we go.

Yeah. We're out of lean brisket. Of course. I said, no problem. No problem. No problem. No problem. No problem.

Yeah. Yeah. So 25 minutes later, I've had two Dr. Peppers. Yeah. And I'm buzzing. Yeah, you're buzzing. Because I'm hungry. Yeah.

And I'm on sugar. And I'm sure with the rage and Dr. Pepper. The combination is not great. Oh, the sugar and the rage. Yeah. So then I get my number comes up by this point. It's 486, 196 was the first one. And I get the plate and it's a brisket plate and it's, look, regular brisket is fatty.

This was all fat. There was no meat. Right. There was this much meat and it was fat globules on the side. So I sat down. But if you watch the show alone. Fat is fat protein. That's great.

It is. But I didn't eat it because I'm not living in fucking Alaska. Oh, I forgot. I'm in a hotel. I forgot. You're in Dallas. Sorry. I thought, this is okay.

I'm going to fuck off to the hotel. I'm going to jerk off and go to bed. Yeah. Take a little nap before the show. Door dash. You know what, Andrew? When I'm anywhere, the only food delivery system that I use is door dash is door dash because they have the best options.

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It's sold over a million bottles and it has a money-back guarantee. To save 10% off your order, go to onit.com slash badfriends, 10% off your order by going to onit.com slash badfriends. And on my way home, I get a little phone call from Raj Sharma. You know our friend Raj Sharma? I like him. Raj is a dad. He's from there and he was opening for me and Raj says, hey, buddy, you're not going

to believe this. And I almost threw my phone. Can I guess or no? On the highway. I almost threw it right on the highway. I'm not kidding. He missed his flight, something about his flight. He's not there.

No, even crazier. He was in Houston last night. Somebody stole his fucking bag with his car keys. So he had all of his shit in his travel bag. Someone stole it. Oh. So Raj gets robbed and Santino is ready to jump off the fucking freeway. Yeah, yeah.

Because I've got three hours to find someone to fucking open the show. Oh. Yeah, it was really fun. So I'm calling around. I'm saying, hey, who can, who can, doesn't anybody know anybody? Does anybody know anybody? Yeah. And everybody's like, yeah, but this guy's out of town and this guy's here.

He's headlining. He's featuring for somebody. I'm scrambling. Yeah. And Raj can't get back. He goes, I've got, I've got us, I'm going to have a locksmith come, but by the time I get there, it'll be nine o'clock. You know what I do sometimes though is like, I always go, because I've done last minute

like book, like bookings for openers. Yeah. And they'll, well, you know, I have this thing. I got to do that. Right. And I just go, how much are they paying you? I'll pay you more. Yeah.

Do you do that? No, no, no. But with you, the reason he was in Houston was cause he was with, um, no, I'm just saying when you're calling Dallas, the round comment, oh, dude, I offered anything. I didn't care about the money. I was like, I'll give you whatever you need. I need someone to come do the show. Right.

I was like, what the fuck? I'll do anything. I'll do anything on that could feature or it was like host and I was like, I need someone that can feature. Do 30 minutes. Yes. Yeah. And so I was like scrambling.

Luckily Raj came through with a guy. Paul Varghese who was great. So fucking funny. Yeah. But the show was great. The show was great. But I had so much stress that day that I feel like I under, I didn't. You underperformed.

I just, you know, when your mood is shifted and you're not fucking swinging to the fence. That's what that's the hard part of doing stand up because sometimes you do two shows at night, you know, when you do clubs, right? And sometimes, you know, especially the second show Friday night, it's just rowdy or you're tired. Everyone's drunk. Yeah. And it's like, you know, and you have, and you don't feel funny.

Sometimes you know, you have to perform and be funny when you're, you're not. When you're, when you got other stuff. Other your head. Yeah. So anyway, I did, the show was overall, it was great. It was a good success. It was fucking great. Almost.

We came close. It was really, really close. We just missed out because Dallas didn't show up for daddy. Okay. But anyway, but okay, that was fine. And then I went home to the hotel and I thought, I just, I got to get back. We got bad friends tomorrow. I got to get back to the house.

I want to go to good night's sleep. I am in the middle of a Mexican stampede party time. Excuse me. I don't know what's going on outside. There's a, I think that the Alamo is down there now. That was, you mean that, no, that's in San Antonio. I think they moved it up to Dallas. Oh, they can do that.

They were having a party. Right. I think they had saved the Alamo again because there were low riders and gunshots and people yelling and they were bumping music. Did you hear this? Ai, ai, ai. Any of that? Yeah.

I don't know how you start something out. So 2.45 in the morning. Uh huh. So you couldn't sleep at all? You didn't get any sleep. Right. Try to jerk off. Couldn't.

Why? Because of Ai, Ai, Ai. Ai, Ai, Ai. Every time I get close. You know what I mean? I cannot, my tube, when I'm jerking off and there's a random Ai, Ai. It just throws me off. I couldn't do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get right there. I go and I go, oh yeah, oh yeah. Yeah. And I go, great. And then it would just wet noodle out of my hand. But you do. But what I do in that situation, I always immediately go to Mexican porn.

I did. Oh, I did? I did. And then try to match the sounds. So you could incorporate the noise. Ai, Papi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried to match the sounds.

Okay. So let me get through this. So I couldn't sleep. I didn't get any fucking sleep. So the next morning, I'm going downstairs to get a coffee to get to the airport and all I want is a nice little cup of cappuccino and I get my little cup of cappuccino and my handle on my bag breaks. It breaks right off.

I swear to God, I swear to God, it rips right off my fucking back. I literally was like, I'm in a Ben Stiller movie. I am Ben Stiller in a Ben Stiller movie. What's on my handle? My AirPods, right? Yeah. It's attached to the bag. Uh-huh.

The case. So my AirPods snap with that, right? I spill coffee everywhere in the lounge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I go buy another fucking coffee. I apologize to everybody for spilling coffee on leather couch. Yeah, yeah. So I go down.

I finish this new coffee and then I get in the fucking car to go to the airport and as I look at my phone, bing, your flight is delayed as I'm in the fucking Uber. Right. And then I go, god damn it. So I just, no, this one's out loud at this point and the driver is like, what's going wrong, sir? I'm like, drive! So then I open up my fucking AirPods case.

I heard a little accent from the driver. Was there a specific race? You said, is everything okay? Yeah. You just said, why dude? I think a guy from Fort Worth. And I opened up my AirPods case and one of two AirPods is in there. You fucking it.

So when the bag fell, one of the AirPods popped out. That right there, I would have killed myself. Oh, I almost choked out the driver. Yeah, that right there. If he didn't have one of those cameras recording me, I would have, with a shoelace. Right. So you know what you can do, right, is, you know, you don't have to, they have those vending machines at the airport, the high tech ones.

I looked for it. They didn't have one. Dallas doesn't have a high tech vending machine? Not at terminal, not at fucking gate A37. They had none of them. Right. Because I got to tell you something. It was delayed and I said, can we go back to the hotel real fast?

Oh. And because of my flight's delayed. Yeah. By an hour. So he goes, okay. He turns really quickly. We're only like four streets up. I go back to the hotel.

I look nothing. It's nowhere to be found. I scoured. I couldn't find it. I don't know. I can't imagine. Are you on your hands and knees? Hands and knees.

Are you sweating? Sweating. No mumbling. You're just out loud. No, no. I'm out loud at this point. I'm in a fucking headphone. God damn it.

Does anybody find a fucking headphone? Yeah. Everybody thinks I'm crazy. So I get back. You know what would have been funny if it was already one in your ear. Yeah. Where is it? Just hanging out.

I get back in the fucking Uber. I get to the fucking airport. I have one headphone in. I don't care. It is what it is. The flight keeps getting fucking delayed. And at this point, I hadn't really had anything to eat because I thought, well, I'm just going to get to the airport.

I'll have something. This is today. Yeah. This is today. So McDonald's was the only thing that was near me, but McDonald's line was massive. And I just was like, fuck this, because it was the only thing that was open. Yeah. Like when you go to New York or like LA, McDonald's is pretty chill.

But when you go to Dallas, maybe McDonald's is busy. It was a really bit. I mean, dude, there was like a Moscow. Like they love it. I do. Yeah. I felt I felt like this was like KFC in China. Do you know what I mean?

All right. A thousand people on the line. Yeah. And so anyway, I sit down. I think, okay, I'm just going to get on the flight. They'll have food on the plane. I'll be fine. I get you.

It sounds fake. I get on the fucking plane and a guy is sitting in my seat. I hate it. Dude. Yeah. I go, I calmly go. I think you're you're in me. I'm in that.

Let me ask you something. I mean, may I ask something? Yeah. You say calmly, but because of the last 12 hours, no, but I approached him well. Are you sure you're the guy sitting there reading your iPad? Is this guy the same guy from the barbecue place? I'm not that talented. So, you know what I mean?

Okay. Yeah. Try a different way. Wow. Wow. And you, Brennan, whoa, there's a war in Ukraine. Excuse me. Yes.

I think you're in. I think that's my seat. No. Well, let's read this article, sir. I think that's my seat. Look, that's my seat. Oh, what? Can you just sit at the?

Oh. Is that what he said? What do you say? He said this. He goes, his, the guy in front of him who looked sick or hung over or something looked wrong with him. He goes, Oh, do you mind switching then? Yeah.

You don't do what you don't listen to me. Okay. You don't make the assumption that the person, so sit in your regular seat. When the guy comes and you ask, correct. Yeah. I don't like that. I was pissed. I was like, that's rude.

Yeah. So then I can't say no. Otherwise I look like a bad guy. You have to say no. And so I said, yes. So I sit in the seat because it's aisle to aisle. Yeah. So fine.

Whatever. It's one row back, whatever. I sit down and then sure enough, a young man gets on and goes, uh, that's my seat. And I was like, what ticket did you have? I said to the guy and he goes, Oh, it was the window one. I'm sorry. And I was like, no problem. No problem.

So I scoot over. All right. And I think God, I just give me some fucking food and give me a die coke so I can just be happy. Can I, may I ask what airline it is? American. Okay. So we know the food.

It's no, no, no. You didn't have this. This is way worse than what you think. Because the food on the way there was fucking bullshit. Terrible. It was bullshit. No, no, it was a cold egg sandwich. This gets even worse.

Do you know why I book row earlier rows, the higher in the rows, because I know they're going to run out of the good shit by the time they get to the back. I never even think of that. I always do that. Yeah. Because I had the earlier row, but now I'm in a row back and guess what? What's the cutoff? So when this, when this woman, when this woman gets to me, she literally says, would you

like lunch? I said, yes. What are the options? Yeah. And she said, we only have one left. And I was like, is it fruit? What's the one you have left? Yeah.

And she said shrimp salad. And I was like, who the fuck shrimp salad, gross, shrimp salad. I wouldn't even eat shrimp salad in the nicest restaurant in the world. I go, it's so gross, the combination of salad. Yeah. She goes, yeah, they took all the others. The other salads are gone and I wanted to fucking murder the guy that I had to switch seats with.

May I ask you something? Hmm. May I ask you something? I ate fucking peanuts. That's what I fucking ate. All right. So I had peanuts up until 5 p.m. LA time.

Can you not take the shrimps off of the salad? Oh, no. What happens? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's cut up and mixed in. It's mixed in. I asked that. Shrimp is a wet thing.

It's fucking gross. It seems into the sat that this lettuce. Dear American Airlines, who the fuck want shrimp on a fucking airplane? Well, if you look at the pamphlet, there's always the chef that has his photo. Yeah. Well, let's call that fucking asshole. So then this is this is one more beat to this whole scenario. Okay, go ahead.

One more beat. Yeah. So I'm like, no, thank you. That's it's it's fine. I don't I'll just take the peanuts and my and a diet coke. Okay. Yeah. Never got a diet coke.

Didn't get it. I literally didn't get a diet coke. No big deal. I just I just. You can ask. At this point. Yeah. I've had enough.

Okay. Yeah. All this is here we are sorry. This is backed up before the shrimp. We're about to take off. Yeah. And I'm on my iPad. I'm watching my good friend.

Our good friend, Tony Hawks, new documentary. Yes. Which I texted him and I was like, Tony, this is amazing. Yeah. And he was like, thank you. It is. Have you seen it till the wheels fall off? No.

Fuck. It's so good. Okay. It's so good. So I texted Tony. Really great. I'm watching. I liked what I said.

I did watch it though. It's already out. You're we already know you didn't watch it. Yeah. I lied in front of him. I'm going to tell him that you lied. I'm going to text him and tell him that you lied. Please don't do that.

I'm about to when the show's over. This is already going to be out. Yeah. And I'm going to text him anyway. Let him find out naturally. Okay. Okay. So then.

So then I said. So then I'm watching the documentary. I'm enthralled and I've only got one headphone in. Yeah. Yeah. And the flight attendant who is a thousand years old. Okay. Comes creeping down and goes, excuse me.

Yeah. I'm going to attach the iPad from the keyboard. And I even took this one out. So I could hear how fucking insane this was. Wait, wait, wait. Let me ask you something. Okay. So you have an iPad and you have a keyboard attached to it.

Yeah. So so iPads come with like a nice flip stand. It's awesome. It's like a ghost stand that like makes it hover and the keyboard is a lot easier than typing on the iPad. I see. So it makes it. What is it illegal to have that?

Okay. So she says, can you detach the iPad from the keyboard? And I said, uh, I can what do you mean? I was like, we can use iPads, right? And she goes, you can keep watching on the iPad. I need the keyboard detached from the iPad for takeoff. Yeah. And I turned to the man next to me and he literally goes like this.

What the fuck? I've never heard of that. It's insane. I fly for a living. I'm on a plane constantly. Yeah. Never. Never heard of that.

Yeah. So I say, okay, but can I ask why? I've literally never heard of that. And she goes, I'll tell you why because meanwhile the announcements are going on. So I detach the fucking thing and I stuff it in the fucking thing and I sit there with the fucking iPad and I'm just watching away like, what could it be? She comes back to me two, three minutes later when the announcement is done and she says, I'm not kidding.

Can't make this up. She goes, I'll tell you why because during 9 11, she literally said, she looked around and goes during 9 11, the guys were communicating on a keyboard, uh, on a keyboard computer, um, before it's actually in our handbook. And I said, no one has ever in a million fucking years said this to me. And she goes, well, then those flight attendants are not doing their job. So thank you. By the way, lady, if you think the terrorists were communicating via iPad keyboard and that's

how they crack the case on America. They weren't there. Let me just say something. There were no iPad in 2001. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? So I just accepted it. I took the lumps.

It didn't matter. I got home. I landed. I took my fucking stupid Uber back to the fucking house and sat in Easter traffic wanting to kill myself. And I just got here about an hour after I got to my house. So really good to see everybody here and that was so we were a little late. So did that make you angry?

Yeah. It was fine. Let me tell you something. Okay. I've been on flights before. This is a little lesson to you. Right. Yeah.

This is literally happened where I've sat down and a mother's come to me. Hi. This is my daughter. Right. Couldn't get. So can we sit there so we can sit? Because you're done. And I just...

No. No. Absolutely not. But see this. Do you even ask where the seats are? Do you go, well, where's your seat? I don't care. It's a no.

I'm seating in A2. Yeah. Okay. It's a no. Because something might happen. Like the fucking shrimp fiasco. Like what shrimp? Yeah.

I don't want a shrimp fiasco. Right. So I say no. Yeah. And I'm not being rude. No, you're right. You need to get us out of here. I don't want you to know.

I'm gonna laugh at you. In the hands of some friends from flights, and we're gonna go down, I'll hold your hand. Right. Yeah. I mean, I'm... It's all right, sweetie. Yeah. I'll do the thing where you know how they say, in case the oxygen mass come down, right?

Put it on your face first. And then put it on the kid. OK. Not me. No. I put on the kid first while my head explodes. That's nice. Yeah, yeah.

So that's who I am, right? That's nice. I always say no, but I respect that you're right. Yeah, but I I have done this a thousand times on planes Yeah, cuz I travel alone and someone goes my brother my daughter my boyfriend my girlfriend my husband my wife Can I jet will you just and I always go? Yeah, where's where is your seat? Yeah, and then when they go it's there and I have done. I've gone. I'd prefer to sit in The aisle. I'm sorry. Yeah, you know what it is. It's like because I It's also their fault. It's so an uncle you're trying to make us uncomfortable, baby. Yeah, when did you book the flight?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, who did this for you? Yeah, why did you put you there and you there? I don't want to be hacky, but can we even go back to now the rules, right? What do you mean in terms of like how about this the window thing has to be up when you take why why yeah I want it down. So when it catches on fire, I see yeah, I want to see the engine go I want to see it fly. Yeah. Yeah. Number two, right the tray table has to be in the upright position. Why why does the seat need to be not? It can't be back. Why why why the plane crashes. I'll put out if the plane crashes I'll put my seat back Crash and I'll get off the plane. Exactly. Yeah, or or or by arms of my legs will be inside some other guy's face

And it won't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. Yeah, the rules in that fucking thing. It's absolute bullshit. Yeah This is my favorite part detach the keyboard my phone. I was texting on my phone Yeah, by the way the keyboard that's detached from the iPad the iPad still has a fucking keyboard Yeah, I didn't yeah, it's a keyboard. Yeah, the whole thing is a fucking keyboard and touch screen She hadn't one time. I was on a flight. All right It the the seatbelt sign was on right and I had to go to the bathroom, right? There was a little turbo turbo turbulence a little bit of turbo right and I Stand up and the flight attendant is it's like excuse me, sir, right? You're not supposed to be sitting and I said you're standing

I would win you would win the running. Yeah. Yeah, you sit down. You sit down. Yeah. Yeah, I hate it. No, I don't like that I don't like it. Well, also, you know, I heard a guy one time say a woman goes sir. You have to be seated He goes it's not a law. I can go to the bathroom if I want it's you know, it's not a law. It's not a law I'm gonna write that down. It's not a law. It's not a law. It's not a law. I don't know and so tell me what the laws are I want to know I want to know because you know what I did on this plan Yeah, yeah, and I do this on every flight and I've said it once I've said it I've said it on my podcast I've said on this podcast. Yeah, and the truth is the truth of the truth I'm six foot one. The bathrooms are always very tiny. Exactly. The toilets are kind of hard to get to yeah. I pee in the sink

What? Hello Tushy I love going to the bathroom here at our studio because we have a hello Tushy Lined up in our toilet. Yeah, it makes my butt butt Make your butt hole the hole. Yeah, the hole very very clean the cheeks or the cheeks don't get touched Yeah, I gotta tell you something 2022 don't just make a commit to wash your hands every time you poop go the extra mile and wash your butt Let's talk about the gift that keeps on giving the hello Tushy bidet cleans your butt way better than wiping Cut your toilet paper used down by 80% saves trees and thousands of gallons of water

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So go to hello Tushy dot com slash bad friends to get 10 off plus free shipping Wow, that's a special offer for our listeners. Go to hello Tushy dot com slash bad friends for 10 off Give the gift of a clean bum to yourself or your loved ones to get 10 off plus free shipping right now at hello Tushy dot com slash bad friends tag us at hello Tushy on social media so we can celebrate your clean bum That's hello Tushy dot com slash bad friends better help. Oh, man during the pandemic and even now You know, I've gone through some problems. Yeah some troubles We've all had and I use better help and I love online therapy and I love this service People don't always realize that physical symptoms like headaches teeth grinding and even digestive issues can be indicators of stress

And let's not forget about doom scrolling sleeping with too little sleeping too much and Under-eating and overeating this podcast is sponsored by better help and I gotta tell you we've talked about them before We like them. We've used them. I think it's great. If you're into getting help Uh, traditional offline therapy can be very expensive. That's the good thing about this. You do this from the comfort of your own home They have video chat sessions You don't have to have the camera on if you're like, I don't want them to see what I look like I just want to talk to somebody you can do that It's much more affordable also than in person therapy. Give it a try and see if online therapy can help you lower your stress

What about you Jules? Better help is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat session with your therapist So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to that's right This podcast is sponsored by better help and our bad friends listeners We're gonna get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com slash bad friend. That's b e t t e r h e l p dot com slash Bad friends I pee I peed on this flight sink and you know what it was particularly because of the shrimp salad I wasn't gonna do it. Yeah. I was gonna pee in the regular toilet. Yeah, but then I thought

No, I literally I literally was I whipped out my dinger and I and I had the toilet seat up and I just looked at the sink and I said Shrimp salad And I turned my piss right. I love it. I just right in the second. I endorse that. Thank you. Thank you. I just say something else I love you. Thank you. I can't Bathrooms in human homes not the airport airplane, right have the same suction as the fucking toilets on the Yes, I need that. I want that too. Right. What is that technology? I don't know. Yeah It's like the devil is like give me the It's the best technology. It's amazing. Yeah, you know what actually uh

When I when I get up get like my forever home or my dream home. Yeah, you know what I do want Eric Andre has urinals in his house. He has urinals and I was like, I've never seen that I want a fucking urinal. I want a urinal as well. You could put one in your house. I don't have any fucking room Yeah, yeah, I have a small house. No, but your bath that front bathroom you could put a urinal in there I could probably I think you should quick tip though Your sink is just like a urinal at home I know but you know what my no no my sink angle isn't as nice The reason I use airplane sinks is because at six one the sink is right

Literally my balls. Yeah are hovering right above the sink. Wow. It's perfect. It's almost like they designed it Yeah, it's like a guy took out a measure. He's like that'll be his nuts. I'll be right, which means that you can see your own Nutsack to the mirror. Yep. That's strange Well, and I and I swing them and I swing them back and forth. Yeah, I can tell they're nervous. Yeah, right as they brush the metal They're whoa. Oh, yeah, it'll be cold. Yeah, and they don't want to have to climb up the rope Yeah, so I let them hang right above it. No, and you know what? Even though the whole the frat that Dallas was awesome. I loved it. The show was great I had a great time aside from all the other shit. I do fucking love Dallas

The show was great. I was just in my head because you want to I want to be a pre have a perfect show And uh, it makes it all better to know that we're here with my bad friends family. Could let me ask you this question um The weekend in general because friday was magical friday was saturday was a disaster No, the comedy part was amazing. Now stand up. It's good, but all the elements around it were so would you like out from 1 to 10? Your weekend. What is it? friday 11 no just all All of it the whole weekend. Oh, oh right. Oh friday was an 11. Okay. Yeah, and saturday was a what saturday was a day

It was a three it was it was like a four and a half four and a half Yeah, so the whole weekend you would say generally it was a seven weekend eight I'll give it an eight because because friday was so magical. Yeah. No, it was good. Yeah. Did you have a good time? Yeah, I had a tell us about your experience rudy um I really had a good time with the scooter, but I was while writing it I thought that I was gonna die and hit hit a car and then my head would Just fall off off. She was she was going so fucking slow

I was scared. They go up to 20 miles an hour. Maybe or something like that. Yeah, it says it on the little screen I was going um nine nine nine nine nine So we would have to keep stopping and here's what's funny about those scooters of people that know If you stop for too long or go too slow, they lock because they think you're gonna park it right So hers fucking locked. Yeah, and that's why but we were like just go meanwhile. Bobby was on x games Jumping in and out of the middle of the street. I love it You did you did get too a little close to getting in car trouble. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, dude

So when I so after friday night So after friday, I didn't tell anybody where did you guys go by the way after so we had pizza again You had pizza again. Yeah. Yeah. And then you went back to the hotel So it was me adam eget and trevor wallace. Yeah, we decided to go eat pizza, right? And it's pretty far from my hotel. So guess what I do scoot scoot Yeah, and um spend a thousand dollars on bird scooters. Probably. Yeah And I wiped out you fell real bad

Yes, because I was I had my map quest thing on because I didn't know what the hotel run map quest. What is this o4? You mean google maps google maps, right? I'm at google maps, right? And it's dark, but there's a little light from the bird right from the scooter Yeah, it does have a little shiner, right and I hit a curb love it. It flipped I slid on my stomach like this like I went like five feet Oh my god, right But it's like nothing happened, but it wasn't bad No, but I got like a little like the wind knocked out of me. Yeah a little kind of cuss

Right and people saw me started laughing. Oh, yeah, and then um anybody recognize you. Yeah, somebody drove by and goes No, so there's papaya. I don't know what that means. That's a little slow. Yes. You know what it means and I um Went really slow after that. I thought you'd go down to nine. I went no three I was yeah, because I was like, yeah, I didn't want to do that You could really hurt yourself So rudy give the assessment of how you did on stage you think because because we'll tell you something after the show You were petrified dressing. I was I was scared deer in the headlights. I mean she was after the show I immediately fell asleep because I was so tired

Because this is funny comics will talk about this This is why a lot of comics use drugs or drinking and everything people want to know about like Because you come down so hard people want to get lifted up again So that's why sometimes comics will go out to eat or go drink drink or go Do drugs or go party because you want to feel up again because you drain all your adrenaline all your endorphins are gone You passed out like that. That's good. That that means you did that means you had your you were elevated and you delivered Yeah, you delivered dude. The crowd was fucking so when you first went out there. What did how did it feel? I was like really scared

But then when I saw the crowd and then they cheered I kind of it was good See it's going to her head a little bit. That's why I told her that she has to get a job What are we going to do to get it? What job are you going to get like in campus like maybe a waiter? No We got to get you a real job. I can't work outside. I know a guy that works for the city Yeah under the table. I know a guy that works for the city that paints, you know, the paints new lines on the streets Yeah, and they need somebody you can paint street lines You can hold a big paint gun. I'll try. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, but I could because she had that twinkle in her eye Yeah, she could feel it. Yeah. Yeah. She was just like I like this and it scared me because it's like she's only 20 years old, right?

Yeah, you know now she's like, you know, it was a 1700 seats 1800 seats sold out It was totally sold out. It was amazing full of energy They cheered for you and in my in my head because I feel like I'm kind of a parent in you are that's your weird wear and I just kind of go You know, she needs to get a regular job to know how you're right to level it out to level it out because I gotta tell you something After the show I said You walked out to go find adam and she was in the bathroom smoking a cigarette And and she was on the phone and I go right Rudy. What are you doing? She goes, I'm on the phone with my agent

And then she put out the cigarette right like on the counter and I go Rudy and she goes someone will clean it up Don't worry, bitch. And then she walked away. Right and she's getting a little too. Yeah a little hot Hollywood for me Even for me You know, yeah, it's like when we get an uber. She's like no excel. She literally I don't want to say that. No excel. Yes, you do. Yeah, we're paying for it. You never pay. She I don't pay She literally goes. Yeah, it's premium or black. Oh, yeah, she goes. I don't I won't she somebody goes Should I just get an uber? She goes if you're getting a regular uber a walk. Yeah, that's how fucking restaurants in what she does now It's like we'll be at a restaurant like a steakhouse. Yeah, and she'll just go tomahawk

Like the most expensive the most expensive like you tomahawk. I don't even know that word Fucking liar. No shit, right? I don't like you. Yeah. Tomahawk the whole thing She did she ordered the most expensive stuff at the Mexican restaurant. She wanted to open it. So a guy and Thing right there was a short musley guy. What was his name? His body was muslin He was strong. He was strong, but very very handsome and low to the earth. Very short. He could have been He was semi dwarf. He yeah, he semi He had he had a little bit. He had a little person vibe a little bit of little lp in a little tiny lp. It was cute

Yeah, it was cute. Yeah, then why did you give him the false a false you gave him a fake number Yeah, you did why because you were like you really don't want to hang out with him No, so what he said was he said Rudy will you go out with me? And then we made fun of him and then Rudy was like he is cute and then so he came up and we said, okay Let him shoot a shot. I guess he was 29. Yeah, and we were like Little little well, whatever. No, okay You're 20. You can do whatever you want. So then he comes up and then he you said he says well, let me get the digit Seal the deal. That's a brand. Brian Simpson said seal the deal and we both saw you were giving him bullshit

Yeah, I looked over I go. It's not 917. You're not in New York Yeah, so because you didn't want anything to do with it. No, good. I mean good. You did it the right way You politely were like, here's my number. But obviously it's not my number go sit down But he was I thought he was cute. I thought he was the right height for you Um, he seemed like a nice guy. Well, right? So what see you're you really aim high, huh? What do you mean in terms of looks? No, I just That's what you want higher

But we'll explain yourself. Why did you not want to hang out with that guy because you did say he was cute Maybe he could have been a bit taller. Uh, he was too short. Hmm already. I knew that's what it was. You gotta get a job Yeah, we've got to get That's my preference. Yeah But it's cute, you know, you you'll do some you do some dishwashing and a kitchen or something. You won't mind a little shorter guy Yeah, you'll give him the right number. Yeah, you'll give him the right number just because just in case and then and then Rudy Why don't you tell what when you got dr. Drew on stage our good friend dr. Drew who we love and he got on stage What did you say to dr. Drew?

I apologize for bobbing but He's so hot she lived Dr. Drew's wife seven feet away and She's like right in the front row. She's right there in the front row. We see her And Jules looks at it and says you are so hot. Hi, Drew. You're so hot. Yeah Also, can I just say something about your performance Friday night? Okay. How about my about my performance? Yeah, so I told you oh fancy tell them what happened fancy open the show He opens the show and I told them do not say that I'm going to be performing after Trevor Wallace

It would have been better if he I told him I go just say here's the next comic Yeah, and then say my name so there's more of a surprise But he says that we're all going to do stand-up before right? No, I didn't yes, you did. Yeah, if you look you'll you did. Yeah, you did I was nervous. I know you were very you were very nervous. We have to write him jokes Yeah, we have to write him jokes because he gets out there and he was like, hey everybody and everybody cheers and he goes Hey everybody Twice I was like, you don't you can say how you want. Yeah. Yeah one time

I got a weird sweat that develops on his upper lip. It was trembling Yeah, his lip was trembling with his lips were extra moist. Yeah, so wet. Yeah, so wet for no reason at all. Yeah. Yeah everybody Hey everybody And at that point people were concerned he had a stroke someone was okay. Do you smell toast? Yeah I got nervous for you because he did we said to fans and by the way This is a lesson to people out there that I think that stand up and all that shit in public performance is easy He was supposed to do two fucking minutes. He was up there for 58 seconds 58 seconds less probably 50 I timed it. Oh, you did 58 seconds. From the moment he got on stage

12 of that were like cheers and hooping and hollering. Yeah. Yeah, and he did another fucking 40 some odd seconds And then immediately it was like he said three things. Hey everybody. Hey everybody trevor wallis everybody Hey, how are you guys? Thank you Wow I always get really intimidated in front of you guys, but thank you for the love. Um So as you might know, I just became an American citizen. Thank you So I can't think of a better place to celebrate that than Texas

But we just came from dinner to a place that says no guns. What the fuck? That's the whole point the only thing I wanted to do when I you know Got my citizenship was getting a gun. So now Anyway, but yeah, we have a great show for you tonight. Uh, yeah My favorite comedians will be here in a second, but before that we have a special surprise Yeah And no, it's not a little black magic Better one of bobby's favorite comedians

He's such a such a funny guy and he's gonna come here to do a little bit of his standard with us You guys might know him from tiger belly and his own podcast. Uh Hey, welcome trevor wallis But you could I say another thing that was like really strange and I think he might be You know brown magic Who? Andreas. Oh, why because remember he was on the floor right because we did a questions and answers thing Yes, and then we answered someone's questions and then the next thing, you know, he was up in the balcony

He was he was so sneaky. We had one guy get up there so fast He had one guy say hey, when are you guys going to make the bottoms of Turtle Island and within seconds He goes we have another question up here and we look up and fancy's in the balcony with two women Yeah, and okay two women by the way that wanted to take you out right they wanted to take The way they asked me it was like kind of like scary. What do you mean? Like why they They sound like they were really drunk. They were high. They were high. Yeah, that happens. What's the problem? You don't you're you're the one that you were like I you might be bi, right? Yeah, did you say that?

That there's some curiosity right and here's another thing that I want to say about you, which was rude what you did Andreas, right? Just hear me out. Okay. I'm ready for it. So you said somebody asked why that question, right? When are you gonna make the bottom of Turtle Island? That's right. They said when are you gonna make what was uh, Andreas's response? What do you what was your response fancy? Fuck you No answering fancy. Did he just say fuck you to that guy? Yeah, I'm working on it. I'm working on it. He's working on it He's working on it. But yeah, wow fancy. He's been a citizen for one month. One month and he's acting like a real American He said fuck you Yeah, you fuck that guy right off

What is so wrong with that question? We didn't deserve an answer. Yeah, why did you say fuck you to that guy? I'm working on it. Why couldn't you've said that? Yeah, I'm working on it. Does these movies take time doesn't that right way nicer than yeah, then fuck you And then I imagine okay. I'm gonna I really love that idea He built up all the courage and I should I say something in front of all these people? I'm going to right I'm gonna take the risk right. So he's nervous. All right. So what are you guys gonna make the bomb? Fuck you It was so mean so mean and it was very unlike you That's my whole thing with this. He's becoming and he's a new american

You know, he bought a gun while we were down in austin because he wanted a gun in texas Yeah, and he stayed he goes. I'm I'm going to say strapped up forever now And I said you have to you can't bring that and everywhere in LA But he brought it to every restaurant. He brought a gun into suarte and they told him to sit outside Yeah, he even took a picture of the sign that said no guns be cool, right? Yes. Yes Because he wanted to bring his strapped up gun in there. How did you feel about the uh that night? Um, I think it was great except for my performance Your performance was good. We just have to get you tuned up if we do a bad friends tour next year

We just gotta you know what? I think I want to do it. Do you seriously? Yeah, because I I think that that proved to me We can do it. We can do it I think that we've if we mix in like we did Friday night. We did some stand-up. Yep to let people know that hey We can get laughs. Yeah, let's just like anyone else We're at a comedy festival because we want to show that muscle, right? Yeah, and then one then when you sit down You know, it's already we got the laughs out of the way and now we can you know do a podcast Which is some of it isn't always funny. Sometimes you get into personal things. Well, we did with dr. Drew for sure Yeah, yeah, so I thought that was a really good mix. I thought it was wonderful

I so we will we'll plan a little tour and we're gonna be on a bus. You want to do it on a bus? Yeah, have you ever been on one of those tour buses? No. Were you sleeping the bunks? Um, where do you shower? There's a shower built into it There's a shower built into there or we stop and we get a hotel in places too So we can have a room to shower and we can do both. Okay Yeah, like some places we'll sleep in the bus some like when you're on the road sometimes when you're on the road you have to Drive at night So we'll sleep who's driving? Oh, that's a good question a driver

I mean, it's an automatic It's fucking three more. Why the fuck am I driving? We'll crash the bus. Yeah. Yeah, you need a guy that's fucking suited up on uppers. Litter skinner Do you know what happened to litter skinner? No Oh, we're gonna do a bad friends tour probably maybe next year next year We'll do it this year We obviously can't because I got to go back and shoot Dave at the end of the fucking year Which is so far away already, but it's gonna end the year for me

Yeah, I yeah, well 2023 will definitely do it. We'll do it. That's why I want her to get a job this summer So that next summer when we do the tour, yeah, right that you will let you do that That's the goal. That's the goal I think is to get you a job that we want you to do not that you want to do Because if she picks a job she wants to do it's gonna be too easy. No, I want her a like a hard job What do you think we should like what do you genuinely think we should get her to do? I'll be honest with you like morning shift at a barista. I'm a busy coffee shop nightmare is a nightmare It's a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare if you're if you're you've never worked at all. No. Oh my god

She's gonna collapse wait tables at a really busy. It's gotta be because breakfast is so hard Breakfast is slammed restaurant and everyone is busy. You're tired and they have somewhere to be and you're fucking exhausted You don't want to be there and you have a section that you have 12 tables, right? And you have to memorize what everyone has you're constantly looking at your paper people complaining. Where's my catch up? Can you fight customers? Yes. Yeah, she could physically fight them. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that is part of the That's part of the server handbook It does say if they cross a line with you and your lines are your lines You're allowed to physically attack them. Yeah, but you're only allowed to attacks a day

So you got to kind of pick and choose which tables you feel like physically Well, you can't really I'll be honest with you. Like my brother. I've gotten uh, two jobs two jobs He and I don't even just remind because he where I pizza saturday night Friday night and he goes Remember your brother at tempi Oh at the tempi improv. Yeah, because I bought so I got banned from the tempi improv Congrats and so my brother got and you got banned from cap city. We just told all right So I got banned from both clubs, right? But tempi because of my asshole And then meanwhile in austin you showed your asshole. That's true. Yeah, so

Put it in the theater. You can't get banned from theater. Yeah. Yeah. So my bad. So that um, my brother, um Got fired from tempi. So I begged them because my brother was going to asu Yeah, and I go, you know, I'm a comic, you know, they I know the guy three days later The guy calls me and he goes I had a fire brother I go, why? Because he tried to stab a waitress or threaten to stab Um, right big difference being threatened and he didn't try. Oh, no, he didn't try but he goes

I will stab you bitch or something like that. Well, what did she say? She goes you're actually complaining to the management No, how did he get to stab wanting to stab her? It wasn't like he rolled silver with me. I think his thumb was in um Like a sandwich. Oh, well, that's yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. But like dug in. Yeah. Yeah And she's like, yeah, fuck you and he's like, I'll stab you. Yeah, like if you committed a murder, they would definitely get their print You know, opposite. Yeah. And then the second time he got fired was sushi dance I love sushi. Right. So I got him a job there. Dan calls me. He goes, um, I had a fire brother And I go, why? And he goes, he threw sushi at the sushi chef Well, why? Because he because he yelled at my brother and my brother snapped and threw a fucking

You know what I mean? Yellow tail. How funny would it be if he while he's cutting? He caught. He's like, oh Oh All right, we're getting you a job and we'll take suggestions by the way. Oh, there's there's bob showing, uh, Showing the star and that's the star. That's the Dallas covering the hole. Yeah, he covered That's family right there. Fancy got so fucking nervous that you were gonna open your butthole. I know He was free duty. He's panicking. I mean, look at his hair. How sweaty it looks like he jumped out of a pool I know he was so nervous because he was like, please don't show your butthole, bob. Yeah Hey, so we're gonna pick we're gonna pick the job. Okay, but but bob let's take suggestions from fans

You guys in the comments. You should comment about what you guys want Rudy to do Uh, what job you want her to do because we want to I I think we should do that Don't you think we should take suggestions at least? Yeah, we'll take a final poll and whittle it down. Yeah. That sound good Yeah, all right. Well, listen, we love you. We're gonna do a bad friends tour. Thank you for everybody that came out to Austin Thanks for everyone that came out in Dallas. Yeah, we appreciate you guys so much Bob is heading off to Oklahoma to go shoot. I'll be there for 12 days shooting second season of reservation dog Which is a great show and if you haven't seen it, please watch reservation dogs on fx. Why are you laughing? I'm being serious Okay, I've seen I watched the show. It was good. Okay. Those twins are fucking really good. They're really good. They're very very talented

Um, anyway, go ahead Rudy Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night, baby Well, do you ever feel like that as a comedian? Do you ever feel or a performer? Do you ever feel why me sometimes? What do you mean? I mean in the in the rate of success like do you ever think well, why why me? Why was I chosen? You know, is this here I'm being serious. I think the serious answer to that without any jokes is is that I feel like when I started I knew I was gonna make a living No, but not make I'm not gonna make a living. Yeah, I'm talking become what you become which is extremely successful. I honestly, um

This is the honest truth. I feel like I'm mid-level Bobby You know how many people that would be so angry at you for saying that that are so you you because they're not mid-level They're bottom level They're angry because they're about but there's a higher level. So why can't I be mid-level? But there is no high level because even people high level go well, I'm not up here and then those people well I'm not up here. So I'm saying there is either you're successful or you haven't been making a living at it yet I've been making a living at it yet. Yeah, and you're very successful. So I'm saying do you ever think

Beyond your ability because you're extremely talented. I'm not I'm saying Do you ever think was I chosen was I picked was this like part of a destiny thing Well, I I'm being genuine. I'm being genuinely genuine too. I believe Everything and this is gonna sound so cheesy. So what I believe and I talked to her about this about spirituality and stuff I say I said to her I go I just honestly believe that everything in my past was meant to happen to lead up to this moment Right. So I believe that everything I've learned lessons, you know, and there's choices that you make

I mean, you know when you're like when I was went to rehab before I'm the one that went You know, I have to make a choice here. I'm gonna go like you make I could have not gone Right. I don't know what would have happened after that, right? But I've made the right choices at the right times and I believe that Instinctually there are parts of me that are connected to something outside of my