Bad Friends - See You In Purgatory w/ Chris Distefano

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Tour Tickets: https://badfriendspod.com Thank you to our Sponsors: BetterHelp, Shipstation, HelloFresh, & Morgan & Morgan.  • This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/badfriends and get on your way to being your best self. • Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/badfriends. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show!  • Go to https://www.HelloFresh.com/badfriends60 and use code badfriends60 for 60% off plus free shipping! • If you’re ever injured in an accident, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. For more information go to https://www.forthepeople.com/badfriends or dial Pound LAW (Pound 529) from your cell phone. YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com More Chris Distefano Chrissy Chaos: @chrisdcomedy   Hey Babe: https://youtube.com/nopreshnetwork   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdcomedy Tickets and More: https://www.chrisdcomedy.com 0:00 Get Your Tix 1:19 Andrew is back! 4:15 Chris Fails Hogwarts Test 11:15 Surprise Size 18:05 Carlos Replaces Fancy 25:30 Christories: Japanese History 35:00 Comedy Rejections vs Women Rejections 43:40 Betrayal 53:05 Carlos Laughs at the Wrong Time 57:30 Purgatory Fist Bump 1:10:10 Chris' Radio City Special More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Fancy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, bad friends, we are on tour. We keep adding cities as we go. People are like, come here, come here, come here. We're trying, we're figuring it out. But go to badfriendspod.com. Badfriendspod.com to get those tickets. We're gonna be all over the country, baby. Adding cities as we go.

Go to badfriendspod.com. Grab them tickets to see your boys on the road. Are we ready? Yeah. Are we green lit? Okay. I need to set my stuff up, man. I need to look good.

Here it is. Oh, you look good. Look how fat I am. No, but it's, it's, it's, it's not. I look like a dumpling from Chinatown. Yeah. No, you look, no. It's me right now looking at this. Yeah, look at it, look at it.

See what it looks like. Let's see. Yeah. Right there. Yeah. You look like. Buddha. Happy Buddha. No, but you look like you're enjoying life. You look like you're having a good time on this planet.

I wouldn't say you're necessarily fat at all. I would say, I would say you look like you probably have about 18 months left. Okay. Yeah, that's rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You really? You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots? Woo. Why dude? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Woo. You two are something. We're bad friends.

Yeah. Let me up, because I'm filling in for Santino. I thought I wanted to look like him. Okay, good, good, good. So I gotta just, you know, cause I know he's in Australia now and who knows what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't, because I want the people at home to,

you know, not think that he's being replaced or anything. I want them to think that it's him. So I'm Andrew. Right, but you still have the bigger dick. Than Andrew Santino. You think I have a bigger dick than Andrew Santino? Oh my God. His is so small.

He does have a little red. Yeah, it's like pale. It's like one of those worms that you would see on the moon. Right. Right, because it's like, it gets no sun and there's no, there's no like vitamins and nutrients in the soil. The worm is just barely alive.

He looks like, his dick, I bet you looks like, just a pale, like just like pale little unhealthy growth testing that always looks like it's like looking in the sun. That's why, what does he call his dick? What? Bobby Lee. Okay, I didn't know that I was going to come that way. You know what I mean?

It went like this. I was like, we're having a good time and then boom, right back to me. You're with the big boys now. It's like boomerang. Is that what New York does? Yes, well, the New York guys do. The New York guys do.

Big boys. Okay, okay. He's put me in his next movie. So here's the deal. May I begin? Because it is still, you know what I mean? My podcast kinda. Yeah.

Not for long. Well, we'll see what, yeah. We'll see what happens. First of all, I want to say thank you so much for your help today because you know, Andrew too, he's, you know, he's Hollywood. Santino is, yeah. Oh, you know, you get it, right?

Yeah, yeah. I'm doing Sina, Zac Efron, you know, he goes to these private like Portland country clubs with Bateman and all those guys. Oh yeah, oh yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And they, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what they do. Yeah. Yeah, right? Yeah, no, he's Scientologists. These are tambourines, by the way. These aren't dicks. He and Santino who I'm playing the part of today

is a known Scientologist and I have text messages to prove that. 100%. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's so funny because he had a briefcase once, one of those old briefcases. And one of the latches were broken, right?

And he was kind of in a rush to get it. And it fell, Diannex, right? And then a little orb, right? Right. And I touched it, right? And Xenu appeared. Whoa. Fuck yeah.

I got so scared. So scared. Yeah, yeah. And then, and then, right? David Mescavige came out of nowhere. Oh my God. Right, grabbed the shit. Yeah.

Got in the limo and just drove off. Just drove off. Yeah, yeah. Let me tell you something. Here's what's gonna happen for the time on this podcast because I'm gonna be Andrew Santino, but I'm gonna be a little bit different. And the key difference is guess what?

I'm gonna be the Andrew Santino who isn't mean to you. I'm gonna be the Andrew Santino who's nice to you. Holy shit. He doesn't have a compilation of him yelling at you on the podcast, which I don't support. I'm gonna be nice to Bobby Lee. Yeah. Well, can I just say this?

Yes. Is you don't have the ability to do it even if you wanted to. Because I don't have that in me. You're a softy. I'm a softy and he's mean. Yeah. You're gay.

Yeah. You hear me? You're gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're sensitive. And we were talking about playing the Hogwarts legacy. You wouldn't even be able to handle that. No.

I don't even know what that is. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't even know what that is. When I hear warts, I start looking at my pictures. I bet you money, any Harry Potter movie scares you. Any Harry. Voldemort, right? Yeah.

I don't know. The only thing I know about Harry Potter is I went on the ride. I went on his ride once in Disney World. Yeah. You closed your eyes properly. Closed my eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I closed my eyes on that thing on the ride. And I was literally, and yeah, anything with Harry Potter to me and my family is gay. That's what I tell my kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gay, gay. Let me ask you about Harry Potter. Do you know anything about it?

Be real. OK, what I know is. I like this. Name me all four houses. You can do that. OK, the only thing I know about Harry Potter is I have my views aligned very well with its author. That's what I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I know. It's so funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good. It's good. It's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I don't know. I couldn't tell you one of the Harry Potter houses. I don't know. I know that it's not Daniel Craig. What's the lead's name? Daniel. Radcliffe. Radcliffe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know he got naked and did a play, I think the Vagina Monologues. I know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the girl who was Bell from the Beauty and the Boost movie that I watch in my kids is in the movie. The Beauty and the Boost?

Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Beauty and the Beast. She's fucking hot, that girl. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then I think not in Harry Potter. No, not in Harry Potter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, when she got way, way older.

Yeah, way, way, way, way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then so, and so I know about that. But I got to be honest with you, I have not seen, I don't think one second. You couldn't name me any of the houses even. House of, is Voldemort in Harry Potter? Yeah, Voldemort.

Voldemort? Yeah, that's not a house. But that's not a house. It's a guy. Honestly, dude, I couldn't name you. I couldn't name. Not even a character. I couldn't name.

I know Harry Potter. That's it. I don't know because that's in the fucking in the Hogwarts. It's which is a school. That's good. OK, that's a win. But I learned that from the ride. Oh, I see.

Got on the right. I probably said it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I know I'm not a Harry. What are you guys? Big Harry Potter fans? Well, you know, I number one, I'm an American citizen. Right, right.

Number two, yeah. Number two, I have eyes. OK, right. And I'm I just simple cultural things. I know, right. I think that Harry Potter is a cultural thing that people should have, like kind of a it's like when you know, I met this girl on hinge and she goes,

what are the Beatles? What? Yeah, if that's what Harry, when you say I don't know anything about Harry Potter, that's what it feels like. What are the Beatles? See, you don't like any. How about this? You don't like any fan.

I feel like you're not a fantasy guy. No, no, like, like I literally like to prepare to prepare for this show because I was going to do a show with you. I watched everything anywhere all the time. You know, that big movie. I watched that to prepare because I was like, let me get, you know, Bobby, want to speak about this. You would think that that would why that movie because it's

the most relevant one. Yeah, because yeah, there's so many other movies you could have watched. It's the Asian one. Yeah, yeah. And I thought you should start with Kung Fu Panda. Right. That's a good one. Kung Fu Panda is good. It's a very good one. Rich Asians.

No, you can go back. Oh, you could have even gone back. Mulan. Yeah, you could have gone. Yeah, Mulan Mulan is one of my favorite ones. I can't believe Ronnie Chang wasn't in Mulan. Yeah, Kung Fu. You could have done the TV show.

OK, yeah. Yeah, that was a good one. David Carradine. Yes. I mean, he was my favorite. I like David Caruso better. You do? Yeah. Why? Didn't he even one who auto erotic asphyxiated himself? Yeah, David Carradine was. David Carradine was sorry.

I apologize. I was blinded by Carlos's head. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Carradine. Yeah. Yeah, Carradine did it. Wow. He tied him. You know what I mean? Do you think you could kill yourself? You think that's a martial art? Auto erotic asphyxiation? You think that's like a move?

I think it's a talent. I do think it's a move. And I think that, you know, my kids are in Jiu Jitsu. I'm hoping I'm wondering when that lesson is. Yeah. That's the one I'll go to. You think that when the door opens, he goes, Hi-yah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's when you come?

Yeah, that's when you come. Hi-yah! Oh, yeah, you come. Yeah, yeah. And then some guy gives you like a stripe on your belt. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that, yeah, auto erotic asphyxiation. Let's try it. You want to try it?

Not now. No, you ready for this? I really want to try it with you. I'm on my new blood pressure medicine. Shout out Losartan. And it's doing its trick, 50 milligrams, but not as horny. And I don't get, I'm not waking up with morning wood. It's actually causing some issues in relationship. I'm low to pin.

Oh, Losartan. Okay. I play, I take on the low to pin. What's your BP? What does that mean? Blood pressure. Bad. Still even on the meds? No, on the meds, it's okay.

Right. But do you ever forget? Take the meds or you take them religiously? I ran out. When the, when the, dude, you're telling me. Like seven months ago. Like, you're like, Oh, you're like, Oh, you're like, Oh, sorry. I've had a 48 hour stomach virus. I'm like, no, dude, I think you're having stroke symptoms.

I think that's what it is. Oh yeah. I want to announce to everybody. So I have, did I already say it in front of everyone? I had a 48 hour virus. I'm here in New York shooting the Sex and the City show. I wrapped like late and then I came to the hotel. I don't want to say it was, I don't know where I got it, but I, I shat for a long time and then my dick smells weird.

And I really does. It smells so weird. Cause I think you, the poo, cause you know, when you have diarrhea that long, you don't, you forget to wipe. It sucks. Yeah. You know what I mean? And everything just, you know, I feel bad for the prostitute that got that on her chest

when she came over. Yeah. I don't, you know, cut that apart. But, you know what I mean? It was me. It was my cousin. Yeah. But my point is, and then, so then today I woke up and I had my first meal in two days, two or three days.

What was it? I had to be BTS. BLT? BLT. No, BTS is the Korean pop group. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was, yeah. Yeah, my god, what do you mean? I had to eat that one time too.

Yeah. And it was delicious. Yummy, yummy. Yeah, in Korea. I got it in Korea. I, I think that, well, I'm happy that you're better. And then you have your first meal. Well, no, cause I feel, no, because I don't feel fully like, you know what I mean?

Comedy ready? Right. You know what I mean? So, you know, when you came in, I'm like, I'm glad it's you because you're so good, you know what I mean? You have a gigantic pimple on your nose too. What's that from? Man, man, it sucks that you wouldn't even bring that up.

But yeah. No, I thought it was because you missed Santino. You just wanted to make your nose beat, right? So you can at least see something. Yeah, man, it was because for two days, I didn't even wash my face. And I woke up like with this thing on my nose. But here's the good thing about being Korean

as we speak about this is even though you haven't bathed, Koreans don't have it. They have a gene that makes them smell us. You don't smell. In the pits, I don't. It's impossible. So you could say whatever you want to smell. You want to smell my dick?

I'll smell your dick. Really? All right. Dude, it does smell like shit. Yeah. Oh my god, dude. I've been taking a shower in three days. His penis literally, it fucking stinks.

Oh. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. No. They put cologne on it. No, no, no. It smells good. No.

I don't do that bad. No, it smells. That was a trick, dude. That was from Hogwarts, dude. Yeah. That's for the game, dude. I learned that from the game, bro. It's pretty good.

Were you the size? Yeah. Thank you, the Lord Savior. Thank you. Like soft, whatever, soft dick. It's not bad. Bro, can I defend myself real quick by the bye? My eye, right?

For the public, right? I've been single for what? Six months, right? This is the honest truth. What's your name again, man? Wolf? Wolf, hear me out, because you're the only one that doesn't know me here, right?

When you look at me, Wolf, right? Look at me, Wolf, right? And I know you're not gay or another. I get it, right? You're mad, all that stuff. But when you look at a guy like me, right, you would make an assumption that I had a small penis. Be real.

I wouldn't. You wouldn't? You wouldn't have any opinion, probably. No opinion. OK. But you would. How old are you? 29.

He doesn't even see gender, 29-year-old. So he wouldn't even think about that. Oh, you're thinking I'm a they. Oh, I get it. You dress like a they. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Am I bad? Am I bad, dude?

I don't know. Wolf, Wolf. But Wolf, I will tell you from firsthand account, he does have an above-average-sized penis. So the women that have seen it since I've been single this time, right, they've all remarked, what a surprise. And I think, honestly.

I agree. And I think that's better going in like that. Yeah. Because if I was a if I was Wolf, right, who happens to be a black guy, can I say that? You sure? Right. If I was Wolf and Wolf had my size penis,

it would be a disappointment. It would be a problem. It would be a problem of disappointment. My point being, right, is I think I'm winning. Yeah, Wolf, I would say if there was a contest and I would say who's dick is bigger, Wolves or Bobbys, I would not think you. But after seeing your penis, I think

you could be within striking distance of Wolf. Thank you so much. Yeah. You know, I will take that as a win. Speaking of Wolves. Yeah, go ahead. I've seen Twilight. I haven't seen Harry Potter's, but I've seen Twilight.

Team Edward, Team Jacob. OK, OK. Why? Because that's stuff that my daughter and my girlfriend want to watch. But they don't want to watch Harry Potter. Harry Potter, my stepson wants to watch. And he's, you know, not my, you know, we're connected

because he's my stepson. But I don't watch the kind of stuff he wants to watch. I only watch my biological children. OK. That's fair. I'm kidding. I love my stepson. I know, but so if you wanted to watch.

So he's, he's asked, Daddy. Yeah. Daddy, can you watch Harry Potter's with me? Yes. Harry Potter's, yeah. Well, he's the one that wants to watch it. How old is he? Does he talk like that?

12th, 12th. Yeah, he talks like that, right? Talks like that, yeah. Right? Yeah, no, he's down syndrome. Daddy. No, that's not rude. This is what white 12-year-old kids.

I did the fucking, I'm a sketch guy. You are a sketch guy. I was on a sketch for eight years. I've done the research. Yeah. Right? And I know about, right? On television.

Not this shit that people do on YouTube. You know, when he thinks you're bowing, yeah. No. What? He thinks you're bowing, yeah. I'm not bowing, yeah, right? I was before him. But that's another good one.

Thank you. Yeah, but my point is, is that so I've done my research. So this is. Daddy, right? What if I do with me? What would you say? To him, what I would say, I would say, I would say, hold on. Well, first of all, I would, I would remove my penis

from his mom's mouth and I'd say, oh, I see. Yes. And I would say, I told you to fucking knock what I'm in here with you, my dad. A shower, do I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I'd say, what do you want to watch?

Harry Potter. I, I would say, I would say, OK, fine. You can watch it after I watch the game. Now go get me a beer. That's what I say. Oh, the game. The game. Right.

I would say you watch, we're watching the game first because this is my house. OK. If you don't like it, you can go live with your own fucking family. Go Patriot. Is that what he would say? No. Well, he would say that and then he'd get a smack

just like his mother. Or he would say, let me guess. Yeah. Go, um, what's New York, New York? Jets. He'd get another fucking smack. Ow. I get it wrong every day.

Just like his mother. Ow, OK, OK. Go Yankees. Yeah. Then I would say, OK, good. Oh, to take it when I'm hitting my dad, he hit his face again. Yeah.

Ow, because it hurts so bad. Yeah. Yeah. No, what else? Oh, I know the New York Red Bulls. Hit me. Hit me daddy. Red Bulls.

And he's jerking off. Yeah, he's jerking off right there. Yeah. No, by the way, I would never hit my kid. And he would never jerk off. And this is just a sketch. I would never hit my kid. This is just a fucking sketch report.

I would never hit my kid. I would never hit my girlfriend. I would never make my stepchild watch me get a blowjob from his mother. I'm impersonating Andrew Santino. Those are things he would do. He would 100% do it. And those are what he was playing by Scientology Rules.

Playing by Scientology Rules. He wouldn't be on medication. That's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I made my steps on Watch Cheeseburger. You know, it's funny, Chris. What's going on? Carlos is shocking every time I see him, by the way.

He doesn't look like he's from this era. Literally, what era does he look like from? Carlos, honestly, he looks like a woman from the future. I was going to pass. Like Galileo. No, this is what the future is going to look like. This is what's happening now with gender. Oh, is he?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a future woman. This is a future woman. Carlos is a woman. Look, King wrote it down again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good premise. Yeah, a woman from the future whose dick smells like diarrhea.

That's the movie. Yeah, yeah, we should do a movie. She, 2086. Yes, and it's Carlos is the star. You're the star. She, and what happened? Now, does the woman that looks like that in the future, right? Well, look at, because some people don't know.

Let's just, oh yeah, people know who you look like. People know what Carlos looks like. Yeah, but just stand in front of the thing real quick. Look, this is what a woman from the future looks like. This is the new movie. Yeah, go ahead, sit next to it. This is the new movie. Yeah, 2000, she, 2086, right?

Dude, it's, you both actually mean you both look like women from the future. Yeah, yeah, so let me ask you, in the women of women from the future, right, is the vagina still the same shape and whatnot? No, because I think it's morphed over the time. It's having less and less children. Nobody has kids right now.

So it's harder to find? It's even harder to find. Tider, that's good. It's calcified. It's more calcified. Is it the hymen? Does a hymen grow back? And creates a wall?

Where's this chain from? Is that Amazon? Oh, that's Gucci chain. I like that. Fucking, shitty, fucking idiot. 900 for that. I fucking like that, dude. And can I cut?

No, you know what it is? Not hard work. Rich parents. Do you have rich parents? Good. Nice, dude. Well, I'm also at work right now. I know.

Thank you so much. Well, we just to walk him here. We flew you here. The company flew you. Not first class, right? Well, here's the question I have for you. Can you get on screen or? Yeah, come on.

Get on screen. Where's Wolf at? Wolf left. Wolf, because he's a 29-year-old black man, he staged your protest. Yeah. That's it. All right.

See, this is what happens if you give him time on count. Then they keep going. Now, see, Santino would never allow this to happen. You wouldn't like all this on screen. No, I want him on. I want him on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just for a second, though.

Wait a second. Is fancy out then? Where's fancy? Baby. Had a baby? Yeah. I have text to prove that fancy is on Russia's side. Fancy has taken Russia in this great war.

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So just want to let you know who you have working for you. Wow, so maybe he knows Putin. Or maybe he has Russia. Is his wife Russian? No, she's a white girl from the South. Are you sure? By the way, she could be a sleeper agent. With Fancy's hip and ass he has, also looks

like a woman from the future. Fancy loves portos. That's true, right? He's got handles. He does have handles. Dude, if I was in prison with Fancy, dude, I would just grab the skin around it. And that's a lot of skin.

And I would just yank it down onto my dick, dude. Fancy, he's got a body, like one of those guys, like he lost 300 pounds and never got the skin surgery, but he was never found to be getting one. So he was just born with a DNA of a guy who lost all this weight, but he never had to lose it. Right, he would confuse Dr. No. Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, he would walk in. Dr. No's like, buddy, you need to get the skin removed. He's like, I'm not one of those, right? Oh, buddy, just trick me. Yeah, yeah, that's what Dr. No would do. Do you love that show? No, that's the one with the 500, 600. I like that show.

I like that show, but sometimes I feel like what happens now with television is it makes people almost want to be fat just so they could get on that show, right? Like, I think sometimes people are like, oh, let me get to 800, 900 pounds on my casting tape. They see that I'm like a real fucking whale. Yeah, but you couldn't be like 150 and go,

I've got to get to 600. But what if you're like 350? No, you'd have to be like 400. And if you were 400 pounds, I could see you're laying in bed, like, you're 400, right? And you're watching TV and he's like, god, they just don't do shows about 400 pounds, right? And then your head clicks.

And he goes, if I just ate three extra pizzas today, a day, I could get to that TV level, right? And then that's a thing. I think there's somebody out there that does that. I think that there's somebody out there that has tried to get on the show just by overeating with the simple fact that I just want to get cast on that show. That's what I think.

By the way, you haven't commented. I lost weight and you didn't say anything. Well, you know, you look great. I mean, not only did you look great, I honestly, when you walk into the fucking thing, I gasped. Yeah. I gasped because I went, oh my God, here's a real star.

I'm being real. Can you take the wig off now? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just take it off now. You're a good looking guy. Give me the wig. Yeah, fuck the wig.

All right. Now you have good hair. Dude, I'm telling you right now, dude, I'll be real real, dude. I'll do this. You could be, I hate to say this, you could be the best looking male comic in show business right now.

What about Matt Reif? No. Haughty with a body. He is haughty, right? But there's, he's suspect to me. Got it. Like if he's straight or gay? No, are you cray-cray?

No, what's suspect about him? Are you cray-cray right now? No, what's suspect about him? Right. Are you cray-cray right now? No, I'm Matt. Matt Reif with Keith Beckinsale. I know what he does.

Because I know that if Matt Reif, I got a fart. Do it. Into the mic. Do it. Nice. Look here, I took a sexy pic for you too. So could I say something about Matt Reif?

Yeah. Yeah. But he's hot. Fucked it. Holy shit. I almost see my penis. I love it, dude. You want me to put it up on the show?

Yeah, I'll text it to you. Let me see, Matt Reif is somebody I look at him and I go, oh, I could beat him up. But he's boxer though. It doesn't matter. I feel like I can. So he wouldn't be. But you, I just know you would defeat me.

Right. In a real, you would never, because your insides would go against it. My point though, because you're a good guy. But I'm just saying, if we didn't know each other, and I went in and I, you know, hoogly-boogly your kids, you know what I mean? Yeah, you're saying I could get it to a level.

What does hoogly-boogly mean? Who knows? Who knows? Because I think, you know what the difference is, because I think I know a little bit more about history than Matt Reif. So my hate for Asians is more than him. Because when you look back at history,

you really want to hate the Asians. Can we talk about that real quick? Yeah. Because, you know, I have a new standup joke about Oppenheimer. Love him. Right. Love him.

He did a good thing. Okay. Manhattan Project, he needed to do that because the Japanese were out of fucking control. Yeah. So the joke is, you know what I mean? There's certain movies I can't be, can I just tell you the joke that I wrote, right?

Let's do it. So, you know, just some movies I can't be in, like Oppenheimer, Christopher Nolan. It's a white movie, you know what I mean? The guy invented the atomic bomb, right? You know, Matt Damon, Robert Downey Jr. And I said, I could be in Oppenheimer too, Hiroshima, right?

That's the Chicago drive, right? I'll be on the screen for five seconds, you know what I mean? I have only one line, do you hear a plane? You know what I mean? And that's the thing, right? It's working really well. That's a great joke.

That's another joke though. I get angry, because it always fucking reminds me, because look at Pearl Harbor, dude. Yeah. Right? They show that movie. Right. Look at what they did.

Right. They were sleeping. Yeah. Emperor Hirito, no, right? Yeah. Right, and then check this out, right? What, in return? It's like the old Russian, not fable thing that they say,

if you hit me with a feather, I'll hit you back with a tank. Yeah. Right? Yeah. They hit us back with tens out, I'm not Japanese, but they hit them back with 30,000 tanks. Yeah. And you think it was like the right...

But, do you understand? Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave's a Jew. You're Jewish? Dave, as a Jew, I'm here to tell you. I mean, Hitler didn't like Jews because of art class, right?

Some Jewish kid in the class painted a better picture. He doesn't work creative. Hitler preserved all the art in World War II, by the way. Little known fact. All right. Anyway, so let's argue that. What the fuck, bro? Okay, so here's what happened.

Yeah. So I think people too, you don't understand why the United States, they're like, why would Japanese hit the US? They had to, because do you know that, first of all, you're Korean. You know, if I was a Chinese person, which I'm not saying I'm not, I'm United States,

so I was definitely made in China, but I am saying that Chinese people from the era of the 20s, 30s, and 40s, they have a lot of reasons to hate the Japanese. You know, everybody talks about how bad, you know, white people are in the straight white male, and that's all in the news. The fucking Japanese, what they did to the Chinese

is so much more barbaric. What did they do to the Koreans? What they did to the Koreans, they were bayonet babies, like people on fire, all in the name of manifest destiny. So. My dad told me the story once. Yeah. Because as a kid, I used to go,

Dad, all the white kids, you know what I mean? Their parents tell them bedtime stories, and you never do. And I said it for like a year, right? And so one night, I was like maybe 11, 10 years old, I was in bed, and my dad walked in, he goes, Storytime. Yeah. Right?

Like more like with a smile. Yeah. I'm like, this is cool, right? Yeah. And he goes, you know, in Korean, way back when Japanese oppressed, okay, they take Korean, they take, and they tied them with rope upside down.

And I go, okay. I'm like 10, you're 10. And they take a giant, you know, boiling water, you know, and they hang tree, you know, sometimes building the tree, right? And they don't, you know, Korean upside down into boiling water, so many times, layer of skin.

They go, they scream, ah! He would do the movement. Ah! Right? Ah! Right, right? And I remember, okay, Dad, thank you, goodnight. You're like, I didn't want him to finish, right?

Yeah. But like, that's the kind of shit they used to do. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were, and so the Japanese atrocities. But it's one guy, right? Yeah. Emperor.

Did you take off your hair to show that you're more Japanese now? Because you just boosted out samurai ponytail in the back. Yeah. You went from Korean to Japanese. You know I'm 10% Japanese. Are you 10% Japanese? Yeah, I did it at the 23 and me.

So more, okay. Well, probably because it was raped into you. That's probably what it was. No, seriously. Are you being real? They came and raped it into you. Oh, they raped it in me. The 1930s Japanese,

the 1930s Japanese could go fuck themselves. The 1930s Japanese deserve the nuke. Not the civilians, but the 1930s Japanese soldiers. Oh, the ones that are cool. The 1940s Japanese soldiers deserve, oh yeah, now the fucking Japanese. Pokemon, Godzilla, the whole thing.

Hello, kitty. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You know what I mean? Nice proportion, nice, the best feed. The candies? The candies are amazing. They dunked a little stick into the traveling. Pookie, pokey.

Nintendo. I love it. I love a modern day Japanese. But back then, and that's why the United States, the atrocities were so bad in Nanking. You know, they've heard of the rape of Nanking. You know the rape of Nanking? No, yeah, no.

So okay, Nanking, China, right? It sounds like a good restaurant to go to the rape of Nanking, don't you think? Would you eat at a place called the rape of Nanking? 100% yes. Yeah, it'd be delicious. Yes, yes, so Nanking, Nanking was the capital of China, called the Republic of China, rock, JZ.

And so Nanking, the Japanese, when they were invading China right before World War II, they said, we gotta invade China. And they said, we need to have a terror. We need to put fear into the Chinese people because they viewed the Chinese as subhuman. So they started, they were headed to Nanking, they bayoneted the babies, raped the women,

tortured the women, killed them, burned families alive in front of the father, all that stuff, horrific, horrific, horrific. And then the United States heard about that, the whole world heard about that. And they said, we're done dealing with Japan, embargo. No money for oil, no money, we're not helping them out in any way, shape, or form.

Because Japanese were like manifesting, like we wanna take over all of Asia, that shit is ours. So then that's why they bombed us to Japanese because they had, we stopped giving them money to fuel their war machine and oil to fuel their war machine. So they hit Pearl Harbor, and when they hit Pearl Harbor, they fucked up. Then they got put in the microwave three years later,

but they deserved it. You know what? Thank you. There you go. You're right. My name is Chris DeRita Stefano. Yeah. Chris DeRita, this is a little segment I do on my YouTube.

But you know what bothers me about the whole thing. I'm gonna do one on your hair. I think you're right. But what bothers me about it is because the people that died though, right? Did not deserve that. Literally have nothing to do with it. Zero, that's what.

It's the government, it's Emperor Hirito. They worshiped him as a sun god, right? And it's like all these people, babies, people, why are you smiling, you piece of shit? Because of the sun god thing, it made me laugh. Yeah. What? That's what they said, sun god.

Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. Sun god would have a $900 Gucci chain. That's true, right? Parents of sun god. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think because of how rich he grew up and privileged life he has,

that was God's way to balance out. I said, I'm not gonna grow any hair in the middle of your head for your whole life. You can only grow on the sides, but you have money. Even wolf is there. Well, do you have sisters, right? Yeah, two sisters.

Do they have the same hair? Yeah, they have hair. They do? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah, I saw. I mean, is it like if I look at their head in the sun, when I see gaps?

No, no, no, they have actual hair. Yeah. Honestly, this, he has the type of hair that looks like he was born in the outskirts of Hiroshima. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. Is your pubes fully there?

Yeah, yeah. I'm good everywhere else. Like I grow a beard. What I like about Carlos is the commitment to this because much like Stavros, when Stavros will come out and have hair only, no hair in the middle and a gap in the tooth, he, beautiful women are like confident, confident.

And Carlos, are you gay? No. Okay. Allegedly, beautiful, beautiful women, beautiful women, I bet you come up to Carlos and they're like, because they're confident, confident, confident, because you pull up that look, it is very, very difficult.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he has the beautiful hair in the back, but it's just in the middle. That's cool. When did you start losing it? Oh, like when I was 20. Right. Yeah, I'm 35 now.

It looks, I'm telling you, I don't know if you had a full head of hair, I don't know if you'd be as handsome. I think you're better off this way. I like it more. Was the drug addiction because of the hair? No, I wasn't addicted to drugs because I was sad about my hair.

See, that was gay. I don't know, I was asking. Can we replay that? No, I wasn't addicted to drugs. No, you could have been like 17 and like you saw a clump came out of, I want to get on fentanyl. No, my dad's bald and I knew it was coming.

Oh, you knew it was coming. I just didn't know it would show up so quick. No, but the thing is- It comes from your mom's side though, no? That's what they say. Male pattern baldness comes from the mom's side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they say.

Yeah, I mean, I just saw my dad being bald and I was like, I assumed I would be. No, dude, it looks, it really does like you really do look really good. Like that. Thank you. And you pull off, and it's interesting because when you put the hat on, it's like, oh, look this flowing hair

and then boom, cancer. Yeah, I mean, I've mentioned this before. I used to work at a coffee shop with this midget, a dwarf, little person, right? He's all three. Whatever it is. He's all three. Midget dwarf, little person, you know what I mean?

They love it all. Hobbit. That I've seen. Right. But he, I worked with him back in the early 90s at a coffee shop. They had rights, did they even have rights back then? No, you could step on them.

You could do anything you want. Sometimes you would put them in the coffee grinder. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could like lean on them. You know what I mean? They hated it, you know what I mean? Yeah, but- You could use them as a, you know,

but no rights back then. But this kid had tattoos though. Okay, nice, I like that. And he had a gold tooth. Whoa. Right, so he was one of those. Nice. Wow, magical.

What? He's like magical almost. Yeah, and he was like agro. What the fuck are you looking at, man? You know what I mean? Like one of those guys, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he always had the hottest chicks.

I believe it. I've ever seen. Confidence. And one day, you know, because he's only, he was only like an inch shorter than me. Right, so, you know, I would kind of like look at him like this, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

And go, I think, yeah, but, but yeah, I'm Asian. But my point is, is that how come, you know, you get so many women? He goes, he goes, he used to call me Lee. Lee? You're right. You're one of those guys, you know what I mean?

I've seen you around, man. You don't even try. You're scared. You know what I mean? I go to a bat a hundred times. I strike out 98 times. And sometimes I hit two. You don't strike.

Wow. And I still never strike after that lecture. I still didn't do it, but I got it. But you got it. I realized why. What's the reason? Because I never, I was too scared. Oh, but why did you not even try though?

Like, what's the reason? Because I'm not willing to get rejected 98 times. Right. But that pain. But why did you pick a life in comedy then? It's our whole life is rejection. That's a different kind of rejection. You think then a woman, you being rejected from a role

or something that is different from being rejected by a woman. Because comedy rejection, I always felt that with society. How could it be worse than what society is doing? Right. So I always viewed stand up as a war. Me versus the audience. And I'm going to win. The military veterans right now are agreeing with you.

Thank you. The ones who are sitting there, somebody has a torso is listening to the bad friends right now. Comedy is a war. That's a fucking using a straw to fucking blow into a straw to fucking. All right, you're right. I should use a different analogy. No, but I like it.

OK, OK. My point is, is that but being rejected by a woman is a different kind of pain. And now I'm OK with it. I'm fine with it. Yeah. I throw it out all the time and I don't care. You know what I mean?

You know, who care? I mean, at this point, what the hell's the difference? There's no difference. 50 years old, but we've been rejected. You're going to find the woman in your dreams. Can I go back to the China though? Yeah. And this is more of a historical thing.

Please. I had read somewhere that it was the Chinese hundreds of years ago that were the first people to invent gunpowder. Yeah, that is true. Right. So they could have and pasta and pasta. Yeah. So they could have had, you know what I mean?

Guns and spaghetti way before the Italians or the mafia. Right. Yeah. My point is, is that if they would have developed that the gunpowder into guns, because the Europeans took the gunpowder and they made these weapons and that's where they took over the world, right? But why didn't the Chinese do that?

I think because at that time, the Chinese, some of the stuff I read was that they knew the power behind it and they wanted to leave it. But where the Europeans said, we know the power on it, we're going to make like an apartment. Yeah, that is interesting. Yeah, yeah. And do you think it's religious based?

Because, you know, the Chinese, right, are Eastern religions like Buddha, you know what I mean? Sure. Peaceful people. Peaceful people, this and that. Support not, well, Taiwan, we'll see. Yeah, yeah. Right.

But the Christians are more like, you know what I mean, crusades and you know what I mean? Will make you believe, you know? Yeah. It's interesting, man. I think because with Christianity, I think that the fundamental differences, I don't think in Buddhism and the Eastern religions,

I don't think they place such an emphasis on what happens here on earth on where you get placed in the afterlife. I think it's like spiritual ancestors where Christianity, they're so worried about where they're going to be placed in the afterlife. So their actions here on earth get dictated by that. That's what I think one of the, that's why I think Christianity, the guilt, the anxiety, the, you know, at one point,

you know, the fucking being like, you better be a Christian or else I'm not, if I don't convert as many Christians, I'm going to go to hell for it. Well, all that stuff is they believe placement here. But isn't murder a sin? Listen, people at different times in history, you can convince anybody of anything. I mean, you know, Russia just wants to land in the Ukraine.

So, but they're saying all these, they're calling you Ukrainian Nazis and this and that, which may or may not be true. Well, Nazis are bad. They're just taking the land. You know, you know, there was one not, here's the thing, Nazis were bad. I fucked the Nazis.

But, you know, there was a Nazi. Okay. There was a Nazi who actually tried to, in Nanking, oh, he tried to help your people. In Nanking, when the Japanese were executing all the people of Nanking, there was a Nazi. His name was John. And he, that was his name.

What was his last name? I forgot. Barr, maybe? His name was Roseanne's father. John Barr. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think John wanted, John the Nazi wanted to help the Chinese citizens flee Nanking.

And he went up to Hitler and said, can we organize help? And Hitler said, no. Hitler said, he doesn't like Chinese. He said, well, no, Hitler was like, I want them all dead because, you know, Hitler was, you know, he was in there. He was like, they don't have enough art for me.

Hitler didn't like the Chinese art. The ceramics. I love it. Yeah. Listen, I'm not pro-Hitler at all. I'm just saying that they... Yeah, well, wait, wait, so let me ask you about Hitler. Because obviously, you know a lot.

Sure. Right? So he didn't like the Chinese either. He didn't like anybody who wasn't Aryan, who wasn't, who wasn't. He specifically said, I want the entire race of people to have blonde hair and blue eyes when he didn't have blonde hair and blue eyes.

That's so wild. Yeah. He had never even met a black person. I don't think he ever met... If he met one, I think he would really like them. Sure. Who could you? He probably met one.

Like you met Wolf? Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? He would be like, this guy's got the big penis. Bigger than Bobby Lee. Well, no, you would have to hide it. I think they would be threatened by that. Yeah.

Hide the dick, Wolf. You'd have to hide the dick. I would tuck it. Yeah. All right? And that would, you know... I was just so sorry. What?

No, nothing. Okay. Just say it. No, man. Because I know, I say I ruin the fucking room. Why? What? No, you won't.

Bobby, it's your show. Ooh. Now, what is going on here with this podcast? Is it, what do you think? Do you think bad friends are we coming to the end? Is it going to go for another 10 years? Is it going to blow up? Is it going to be Oppenheimer?

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That's pound five to nine from your cell. Can I ask you this question? Why are you asking? Because I want to. Because I feel like you're asking me this because you want to do something with Andrew. I want to do something. No, no, no, no, no.

No, believe it or not. I'm not asking because of that. I'm asking because it's similar but because I want to do something with you. Are you being real with me right now? Yeah. I want to do something with you. You and I would have a good one.

Yeah, I want to do something with you. Yeah. Who else could be in there? Wolf. There you go. Wolf, let me ask you something, bud. Let's be real, dude. Do you own this company here?

I know. No, you're just an employee, right? Yeah. But check it out, dude. If you got to produce a Bobby Lee Chris fucking podcast, you would leave this company? No. What?

Why? Why? Why? We could pay. Do you know how many money you would make with our fucking podcast? I'm happy. He doesn't want to do it.

Bro, Hello Fresh gives us real money. Oh my God. I love the integrity. Yeah. That's integrity. Integrity. Hitler would have killed him for that. No, no, no.

That's the thing. You would have died for that. Make no mistake. The Nazis, they kill the artists and they kill the people like that with integrity. The integrity. I hate integrity. He can't be broken.

Yeah, I don't like unbroken. He can't be pranked. I want to break people. Yeah. You can't break them. Why are you so unbreakable? You can't break them. Do you like that?

Do you think it's admirable? I think Wolf is admirable. Yes. Because Fihim Anwar did that to me. Fihim Anwar did what to you? So I was on Matt TV. Did you hear about this? I was on Matt TV, right?

And Fihim Anwar was an open-micer, right, an open-micer. Right. I saw an open-mics and I was at Matt TV and I wrote a sketch with a couple of writers and it was like Dave Navarro was in it. Okay. Right? And it was like one MTV had those crib, that crib show.

Sure. So I was going to do a Bobby Lee crib show, right? And you go through my house and you open up. And I go, this is my closet. You open up. And I wanted an air of man. Right? Like kind of with just wearing a, you know what I mean?

A little head thing, making something and just look up. We don't even, you know, address it and just close it. Right? Like making food or a bomber? I don't know what a... An Oppenheimer. Yeah. I don't know what it was.

You know what I mean? No, a stew or something. That's hilarious. Yeah. And he said, no, Fihim. So I walked up to him, he was an open-micer. And I go, dude, it's like, it's sad, you know what I mean? And you'll get paid like $1,500

because we're going to use it as a, you know what I mean, a guest star or whatever. And he goes, no. I go, why? He goes, I don't want to play an air person. He's like, Wolf. I like that. Yeah.

Now, Wolf. The difference is Wolf would have did it. No, he wouldn't have. You know, I think Wolf would have did it. No. No, no, no. You know what? I would have sucked dick for it.

I would have sucked everyone's dick for it. Diarrhea test. Even the fucking sound guy. Yeah. I wouldn't even ask what you do. You would have done it. He has a boom. And I would, what do you do?

I'm a boom. Oh, you have no power. You know what my point is is that, yeah, I would like, I'm that guy. I think. I'll do anything to make it. Right. Would you?

But now, I would say a few years ago, yes. But now. That's what I think back then. Yeah. Now, no. But now that you have made it in many ways, what do you feel is missing? Cause I feel like you're a guy who you've,

careers become so successful, but you push the goalpost further and further away and you don't realize your success. Oh, no, no, no, I'm already there. You feel, you feel good about yourself now then. No, I feel. Uh-oh. It just.

She broke. It just, no. The matrix. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not being real. Cause I don't know, cause I'm being real. And I want to say the right thing, right? I feel like I have everything that I've ever wanted or needed, right?

The future is bright. Right. Why the fuck you say that? I'm just kidding. Did you get a new maid, by the way? Or is it still Kalyla's mom? Kalyla's mom. It's still your maid?

That's beautiful. Cause you're connected to her. It's beautiful things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's a control thing, I think. Oh. From who? From you to, you want to have some sort of control still.

I need, I need to know things. Yeah. You need, you want to be able to, you know what I mean? Ask questions. Yeah. You know what I mean? And the other day I go to Kalyla, I go, hey, I want to come over to your new house and see the dogs.

She goes, not today. I go, why? Do you have a guy over? She's like, yeah. Oh, she just said yes. And I go, okay. Does that hurt you? What guy?

It's all I want to know. So it does hurt you still. And could I say another thing? Yeah. I would like to get this off of my chest. And you're not going to fucking believe this, David, right? Let me tell you another thing. She's on Raya, right?

We know. Okay. You have seen her on there? I know. I've seen her on there too. Okay. I've seen you on there too. And a guy.

You seen me on there? No, no. I was gonna say. I deleted that account. A guy that we've had on my, that we're associated with, right? Liked her on Raya. Okay.

Went for her, right? It's not good. This guy has been texting me, hey, let's hang out. But you know that he went in on Raya? You know he went for her on Raya? Yeah, yeah. He doesn't know that you know?

Because he never texts me. And it's been like two or three texts in a week. Right? So I think he thinks he has a feeling, right? So let's hang out. Let's, you know what I mean? Let's get, let's hang, right? And I'm like, yeah, let's do it.

Next time I'm back, you know what I mean? But. You know. Well, how did you know that he messaged on Raya? She told you. She showed me. She looked at who liked me. Got it, right?

And there should be a rule, no? There should be a fucking rule. Listen, right? No, no, cause Dave, Dave, if you and Esther. Dave's in the middle of this. Yeah, Dave, if you and Esther, right? Broke off, right? There should just be a rule

that Carlos can't like Esther. Oh my God. Why are you putting me in that situation? Because you guys are all close. That you would perturb you. So this guy's like a Carlos in your life. Like he's close with you. Yeah.

It was George Kimmel. Dude, that would laugh. That was hilarious, no. No, this person is like a guy that I'm a huge fan of. Oh shit. Yeah. I'll tell you later who it is. Yeah, I think.

You're not gonna believe it, Wolf. I think, yeah. You're not gonna believe it. You might work for his podcast. I think that my general rule, like even see Mr. Dave King, even though I haven't been in any of his movies yet, just even the simple fact being in the presence of him.

If Dave died tomorrow in an accident, Esther was like the only thing that's gonna make me feel better is to go on a date with Chris. I wouldn't do it. Because even when I'm in a man's presence, and I know him to be with that woman, of course friends and family off, off, off limits. We're on the same.

But even that, even Wolf's girlfriend, I would not even come close to anybody's girlfriend. You have a girlfriend, Wolf? Yeah. Dude, look at us right now, dude. Bro, bro, bro, look at us right now, dude. If you die, bro, right? We are not gonna fucking hit on your girl, dude.

No matter how much you do, no matter. Dude, when Koreans do this, scout on her, dude. Yeah. Hee-haw. Yes, dude. Okey-dokey, okay, dude? That's what it is, dude. Let's do a thing, whatever.

What do we do, you know what I mean? I agree. You too, man. Dave, we don't do, right? I wouldn't hit on them. I wouldn't hit on them. It's not right. But if Dave-

There's just plenty of women out there. Okay, but cut out with this though. Men, there's even more women out, because most, a lot of guys are going trans. Right, that's a good thing. So most women, I love women in history. It's right now. It's better, right?

It's better because you have, not only do you have men's sperm count being altered by some type of, I think, conspiracy, either from the Russians or the Chinese to infiltrate our water to make us more feminine, because everybody I know is only having daughters, so that's one more women there coming up. I love it.

In the last 25 years. I love it, I did that. But more biological men are becoming female, so there's as many women as you can, so there's no reason to hook up or even try to hook up with one of your friends' girlfriends. That is a power move? Yeah.

It's all coming from power. And I think those people, I think those people, I would love for them to have been in Nanking in December of 1937. Thank you so much for that. I really appreciate that, dude. Yeah, slaughtered. And I never, ever, ever, ever, ever

try to hit on Kalila. She tried to hit on me and I rebuffed it. Mm, mm, that's nice. Interesting. Well, you dude, first of all, I feel like I only see you once or twice a year. And every time I see you, though, every time I see you.

I'd be real. Every time. I'd be nice. Every time I see you, you look like a person to me that I think is going towards happy, but not there yet. You're always struggling, you know what I mean?

But I don't believe you to be in a negative space or whatever, I believe you to be. This guy is right on the fence and he's leaning happy. So what is it going to take to push you into being happy? You know, you see all those people working in those cobalt mines in Africa. Yeah. Right?

Thousands of people. That's where we get our, you know, the battery from the cell phones. Yeah, I appreciate the 5G. Thank you so much for doing it. Thank you. Because we love it, you know what I mean? And I know that you respect that we have the phones.

Yeah, I'm going to get a Tesla as well. And I know the cobalt goes into that. Yes. So without your hard work. But my point is, is that, you know, these kids, like five year old kids are making $2 a day and these just, what's so funny? I'm not lying.

Why do you laugh? Because I knew it. See, every time there's a fucking, every time we see a phone and there's a dwarf or some fucking fucked up thing, you laugh. Are you trying to make me laugh? No, it's I know you're about to laugh. And then the fucking people online think that

I'm fucking evil, but it's you fucking you Mexican piece of shit. Why do you laugh about the cobalt people fucking dying on the fucking fields? Because I know you're leading to a joke. I know it's funny. There's no joke. There's no joke.

I know you're mentioning cobalt people on purpose. No, because I was watching cobalt today. You're gaslighting me. I'm not because once I'm finished saying what I'm going to say, right? You're going to realize there is no joke, right? And then who's the fucking sad one? You are.

Because I assumed it was funny to make fun of them. You made an assumption, right? Today, right? I see these kids, you know, doing the cobalt, right? Right. And I'm like, it just kind of dawned on me like, because I was laying down playing, you know, Hogwarts legacy, you know what I mean?

And I was like doing my own, you know what I mean? Kind of mining in it, you know what I mean? No, it was so funny. No, it was so funny, you know what I mean? Because I, you know, I was capturing beasts, right? And I had got some puff skins, right? And you have to comb them and then feed them, right? And I was mining their fur, right?

And on my phone, I was like, there's a difference. There's a difference. And my mining, I'm in a good place. Yeah, it's like R2 to mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not the same. Right. And people live these terrible lives, right? And I live such a great life.

And I, you know, I've lived a life in the last 25 years that was magical. The last 25 years of my life has been storybook. And I've complained through the whole thing. So what about the next 25? Through the whole fucking thing, just bitching and moaning my back hurt, you know what I mean? And if I look back, I go,

wow, you had a storybook life, right? And it keeps getting better, right? So my point being is that, I feel like if there is a God, and if there, I'm gonna get there, and he's gonna go, you bitch through the whole thing, you go downstairs. No, I don't wanna go downstairs,

you know what I mean? I'm gonna go upstairs, right? Purgatory. What? I think you go to purgatory. Purgatory, oh. That's what you don't wanna do. You think I'm going there?

Yeah. You go there too though. Okay, I'll tell you why you're going there too. Why? Because you wanna tell me I'm going there? You're telling me I'm going there? Oh yeah. Let's talk about it for a second.

You don't wanna go down, right? Yeah. I said, no, I know there's nothing you should do too. And you do bad things. Wait, oh. And you do things I know, and I'm not gonna say anything because I wanna end it out, right?

Bad things. No, you and I are similar in very well. What? You and I are very similar in many ways, right? Oh, I know, yeah. And I'm gonna say this to my friend, right? I think God's sure with those things. No, I was gonna say this, right?

We're both going there. So you have another thing coming. All right, I'm sorry, Dave, you know him too, right? He does some things, all right? So you wanna go there? I think... Shut your mouth. It's not a bad thing going to purgatory.

Shut your fucking mouth. Shut your fucking mouth. I love you, man. I love you too. Thanks for coming to New York. Yeah. To help us out. Yeah.

Right? But you know what I mean? I'm not going downstairs. I'm not saying you're going to hell. I'm saying purgatory. So I think you have a good heart, but we're in a little bit of trouble when we die. So you think that I'm gonna be in the middle ground.

It's gray. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Are you Asian? Am I still Korean? No. Do you want to be Korean? No, you're just skin. I want to be a spirit.

You're just skin. Oh, I'm just skin? Yeah. If I'm in fucking purgatory and there's a mirror and I'm like, I'm fucking still Korean, I'm so mad that I'm not in a spirit form. The only one 100% going to heaven? Wolf. Yeah, hell yeah.

For sure, because he has ethics, you can tell. But... He wants a dick to get a fucking TV job. Here's the thing. Like me and Carlos? Here's the thing. Is Dave going to heaven? Oh yeah, for sure.

Davis. Well, no, the Jews don't go to heaven. They don't have an afterlife. They just go to the dirt. Doesn't the Jews believe there's no afterlife? No, you just go into the dirt. It's complicated, but that's why it's kind of different. Jews are just when we die, we're done.

We're in the dirt, life's over. I did not know about that. But Catholics think they're wrong. Catholics think they're wrong, then that they're gonna be up there anyway, or like in purgatory or whatever. And again, what you're doing here on earth will say, if you don't go to confession, but it's also, there's also BS, because it's like Al Capone, according to Catholics, when is in heaven right now because he was absolved of his sins by a priest on his deathbed.

Yes, I can see that. I can see that. So now it's like you go, so it doesn't make any sense to me. But I think... No, I believe that. You know when, like, because I heard Jeffrey Dahmer right before. These glasses. Yeah, that's great.

He died, he got beaten to death, you know what I mean? In prison. Yep. He went over to Jesus Christ, and now he's in heaven. Supposedly. But imagine being... I heard he's in heaven. What?

I heard he's in heaven. I heard he's in heaven. Yeah. Well, the rules. Based on the rules. I think you still go to purgatory if you get last rites. Did Christians believe if you turn your will and your life over to Jesus Christ, no matter at what time, 10 seconds before you die, right, you go to right to heaven.

Are you gonna do that? Right. That's what I'm gonna do. 10 seconds before. I'm gonna do it. Dahmer did it. Other people did it. They'll get last rites.

Epstein did it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Where do you think you'll die? When? Where? Oh, shit. That's a good one.

Rikers Island? No, he's not gonna go to jail. Yeah, I'm not gonna jail, dude. Are you on your... Dude, you've got another thing coming, dude. What are you talking about? Rikers, dude. You're going to Rikers, bitch.

I'll go to jail. What a bitch. Yeah, your behavior, dude, is un-fucking-doddly, dude. That's insane. Why do you think you're gonna go to jail? You're gonna be caught buying drugs or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do some shady shit, but you're the fuck up, man.

You're the one that shows me sights that I don't even want to see, man. You don't have to go to jail for drugs anymore. That's insane. I could say some stuff, man. All right? Back up, dude. No, you're acting angelic right now. No, you're acting angelic.

What? You're acting angelic. Like a good person. Yeah, like you are angelic. What? Oh, you're saying that I'm... Dude, let me ask something. You're pretending right now.

You think I'm a seedy guy? Yeah. I am. We're going to go to Gabon going. I'm gonna be happy to see you in Purgatory. I'm gonna immediate fist bump when we're in Purgatory. Oh, dude. Right.

Or like the spirit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you do if when you get to Purgatory, it's Carlos, but it's mixed. He has hair on the top, none on the sides. What? So it's like a Mohawk? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's...

But he can't grow it out. Oh, that's... Oh, I would laugh so hard. Everything's reversed. What would I look like then, you think? You? Yeah, because everything's reversed. I think if everything's reversed...

No, you would have long hair coming out and then just the samurai thing on the head. Oh, right. That would be really funny. It'd be right in the middle of your head. That'd be cool, dude. Yeah, that'd be really cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be sick.

But you having the knowledge and the wherewithal to say that you know that the last 25 years of your life have been great, but you've complained, makes me believe that you're a lot more grounded and a lot happier than you've ever been. Well, the truth of the matter is, is that I... You know, I've been really diving into AA and going to a lot of meetings and doing all that kind of stuff. And I don't know what it is. It's like, I've never felt this kind of desperation to really do the work when it comes to my

sobriety because I believe it's the key to a happier life. That's right. I started my own meeting in LA and I've never done that before. Out of all the years, I was so surprised. I got the place. We went about the thing, the book and all the chips and all that stuff. We rented the place out, you know what I mean? And we did all the things.

People showed up. And when I'm in LA, it's like, I can't wait to go to that meeting, you know what I mean? And it's just like, I don't know. It's like, I feel like I'm giving back. Right. You know what I mean? And I think that's what life is about. And let's be real because we talk about purgatory, you know what I mean, about our seedy behaviors

and this and that. But at the end of the day, I think that life is about helping others. Yeah. I agree. And getting out of ourselves. The things that I think have changed in my mind is, yes, life is about helping others, pushing what you can forward. And we're all connected.

I think all living things are connected. I used to be the guy that'd be like, I don't want to pet, pets, get this animal away. Like humans are the number one. But now I feel like we're all connected. Like the... Yeah. Like the spirit of a dog or something like that is connected. You know, we're not that different from a pig.

We're just like a couple of numbers different on the D&H and then boom, you can be the pig. What we're talking about is I think that you are just... I think that you're in the best place that I've seen you in a long time, even though you're just coming off for 48 hours. Yeah. I felt sick. Spiritually, you feel good. Yeah.

I feel... It's funny. And maybe it's because Andrew Santino is on the other side of the world and that's what it is. And that's why I was asking before, how long do you think it'll go? Because the truth is I am looking to start something with Andrew Santino. Right here. I want to take...

What I see what you guys have is I have a cold hard rule about never, ever, ever going near someone's girlfriend that does not apply to podcasts. I want to steal and take what you have like the Japanese took Nan King. I'm going to take it right and then really take it from your heart and I'll take your entire team as well, including Dave King. I'll be honest with you, dude. Go for it. I think we should end it.

I think we should end it. Right now. You just spoke the truth. Yeah. We do have a tour that we have to do. Right. And a big one. A big tour.

So we're going to finish the tour. Yeah, finish the tour. Right? And then we'll address it afterwards, I guess. That's what it is. I mean... Or never address it like I did. Let me ask you something, man.

You could do that pretty easy, huh? Just cut people out like that? Oh, yeah. Cut pro. Yeah, yeah. You've done that before? Yep. Yeah, yeah.

How does that feel in your soul? Don't feel anything. I don't feel... Yeah, you do. I think you do. No, of course. You're a good dude. No, yeah.

I wouldn't... You don't want to hurt people. You don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah. I don't feel anything lately. But the honest truth, though, is you would start one with him and not me? No, I'd start one with the both of you.

You would do it three ways. I'd do what Sal did. I would start one with Joe DeRosa and me at the same time. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate pranks. Pranks suck. Don't you hate pranks?

I don't like a prank at all. I'm being real. No, because I... Because it's pranks to me are sucker punches. We're doing real comedy here. Do it to my face. Let's do it. Give me your material.

I saw one the other day on TikTok, right? This Mexican kid or whatever, he takes one of those Digi-Ree-Doo or something. Right? He has a thing that makes a noise, right? And he's at a Home Depot and there's this manly man. You know what I mean? Picking out his hammers and this kid comes up behind him and blows this thing in this man's ear.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Scares the shit out of this man, right? Yeah. The man turns around, tackles him and this kid's going, please don't, please don't. I'm sorry. It's just a prank. And in my head, I'm like, smash him! Smash his skull into the ground!

Right? He deserves it! Yeah. Right? I hate him. Yeah. I never liked him when I'm watching him. Do you like him?

No, you deserve to get, you know, whatever's coming to you. Like, like. The Brazilian ones are good though. There was a, there was. The scary, the crazy ones they do in Brazil. What do they do? Oh, they fucking,

people walk, walk into an elevator, right? And the elevator stops and there'll be a flick of the light. The light will go out. And a little demonic girl will crawl through a little opening and then the lights will come out and there'll be a demonic girl there and people will have these PTSD traumatic fucking. And it's Brazilian pranks.

Yeah, yeah. I like that. If you take it to that level where people need to do EMDR and the therapy, then that's pretty good. That's worth it. Yeah, that's worth it, right? But like, the American pranks though?

I don't like it. Yeah, like a, like a, like a TikTok or a YouTube thing. It's stupid to me. I don't need that. Now, I'd listen guys. I know you're trying to make a living, right? And make your living. I know there's entertainment is entertainment.

And there are a lot of people that do like it. By the way, I was just, you know, Go ahead, I'm sorry. I love you. I love you too. I've known you for a long time and you've always been supportive of me. Well, I could, I mean, we've said this before.

The reason why I like you so much is because, you know, I met you when my career was legitimately not going well. Right. You know what I mean? I was like, you know, just reaching for straws really. You know what I mean? I was desperate. Right.

And I was in New York and I was on OP when, I think Anthony was gone. Anthony was gone. And you were there. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I had never met you before. I never even knew you.

Yeah. And I remember doing the podcast with you or the radio show. Yeah, serious radio show. Yeah. Oh, this guy's good. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And then we had breakfast afterwards with, with OP. And I just remember you being so nice to me and like complimentary. Is that the right word? Yes. And we had also like this same kind of humor, I guess, in terms of quickness or whatever. Right.

And I was just like, no, I really like this guy. And you just stuck in my brain since then. You know what I mean? As a good dude, you know? I appreciate it, baby. I think too, that's why I was bringing up because, you know, social media, what's helped me a lot getting off it

is not seeing comments and not seeing any of that stuff. Because I made a decision, like a hard decision to say, if I don't know who you are, like at all, if I don't have, if I've never personally met you, if I don't know you in any capacity at all, if I've ever been in the same room with you, then I won't let your opinion of me sway me one way or another. I won't let it, if you tell me how great I am,

I won't let that get in. If you tell me how much I suck, I won't let that get in. I'll listen to it from friends and people I know. So because you get involved in that where you start to then become the comedian that you don't want to become. Because you're listening, you know, somebody will make a comment on a YouTube or an Instagram

and say something you're doing is not funny. It's like the same guy that is at the Knicks game saying that the player on the Knicks sucks. It's like, no, the player on the Knicks, even if it's at the end of the bench, is the best basketball player you've ever seen in your life. Just like, you know, comedians doing it, how we do it, whether you think we're funny or not,

it's like there's not a chance in hell a person making comment on YouTube could ever even do half of what, we're 10 times funny to them on their best day on our worst day, you know? Like, so I've just kind of separated all that. And because of all that, I do feel like I've been the comic that I want to be.

And I appreciate, you know, when I hear of my peers, like you say you're doing good work. There's two things I want to say. Yeah. Oh, I thought you were doing like Korean peace sign. No. Okay. But what I want to say is two things.

Okay. Okay. Number one, this shit lives in clips, right? So I used to go, if I was doing a podcast with somebody and it's not killing the whole time. Right. I go, oh my God.

Don't even put it out. Eating it, right? And now I don't care. Yeah. Because they all live in clips. Number two, direct messages that I get, you know, because I'm single, right? So how do you get girls from direct messages?

Because I can't look at it all because 90, 50% of it's hatred. Sure. So what I have to do is I have to skim through to find, you know what I mean? Yeah. Chicks through the thing, but quickly. Right.

Because if I read any of it, because you could read the first five, right? If you tap on it, you could read the whole thing. But I'll read like, you fucking gook, unfunny, right? And I have to read through all that. So I do it quickly. So it's really hard. So I think, but I think even that,

even that when I was single, I think that even, you know, that you can get trapped in that, trying to look for women and find that, like who only know you from this way. And if the whole method of them trying to get with you is through your DM, then already it's not what you want. Already you're like,

I would keep that at arm's length now. Yeah. How did you meet yours though? Huh? How'd you meet your wife? I met her at a bar. I met her at a bar. At a comedy club?

No, no, no. No, she didn't know I was coming to meet her. But then she found out. I'm saying, but I've been with her eight years now, you know, that children and all that. But I'm saying, I don't have all the answers, but I do feel since I've been off social media, my whole life like has improved in a way.

And I've said to, because I said to myself, if I may not be commenting back to everyone, I realized like, I can't give my energy to complete strangers. I do it on the stage and on the podcast. This is when I get my energy to people I don't know. I can't then give the energy to them also on social media and Facebook and YouTube.

I don't do that anymore. And I feel like Korea has just been going up, up, up, like little by little, the way it should be. Like when you're losing weight, you can't lose front to back. But you're killing it. I mean, your name comes up like in, on the West Coast and people can't even believe I know you.

I'm the next man alive. No, dude. Dane Cook. Yes. You're the next Dane Cook, dad. Are you going to come to Radio City in September? Will you be in New York doing Sex in the City? So in September, you're doing Radio City?

September 22nd, I'm doing Radio City Music Hall. Tickets. Here's the deal. What I would like to do is just come to support. I would need backstage passes. Sure. Right? Yeah.

I'm not going to go in the audience. No. That's ridiculous. Yeah. Right? I'm going to be in line like, oh, I'm going to hear and see Chris DiSofano. Yeah.

Right? I need the pass. Right. I need an extra pass for some girl that I'm bringing. Yeah. To get clout. Right? Mm-hmm.

And fruit bowl. What's the biggest venue you ever did? Don't tease me, dude. No, no, no. What do you mean? No, because because. Sacramento Punchline. No.

No, because, no, because, no, because you, because when I met you, I remember you doing Gotham, you had all the shows sold out, killing. And then, but then it changed like the last few years. Now you do the big theaters. No, I don't. I do the comedy clubs, every other comic. Why don't you do the big theaters?

Do you not want to? That's what we're starting with, the fucking bad friends thing, to see how that's going to go. No, but you personally, like, I don't know how to do it. What do you mean you don't know how to do it? You've been in the game so long. No, the comedy, you want to do clubs?

No, the Punchline, Sacramento, I go, all right. Oh, for me, for me, it's this, okay? I don't know how to do it. But you, and also. What does she do? How? You have a powerful agent. And you have a fan base.

Right. So what I'm going to do. You have the two things that everybody wants. I just realized I could do it because I just played a club in San Jose, right? And San Jose improv? Yeah. Shout out.

Yeah, I love them. And, you know, I could have done probably eight sold out shows or whatever. Easily. And in my head, I'm like, whoa, I could, that's what rooms fills 600 people. That's like a mini theater. Right.

And then if I could have sold that many tickets, I could just one night in a theater. Could have done the California Theater right there in San Jose. Maybe, I don't know. 1500 seats or something. Yeah, maybe I could have done that. I'll be there February 25th.

Yeah, go. But my point is, is that you're right. I think I can. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to do this run with Andrew, right? And then the next time I go on tour, I'll do that. Okay. And thank you so much for supporting me

and coming here and helping me because Andrew is a Hollywood star now. And when I found out that you were the guy that was going to help me out here today in New York, I was so excited and so relieved because I honestly believe that I love you so much. And I love you more than Mark Norman. I love you more than Andrew Schultz.

I love you more than Bobby Kelly and Jim Norton. No, I love all of them. But my point is, there's a special part in my heart. I appreciate that. But thank you so much. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for having me. And also just real quick, I just want to say,

any, all the stuff that was edited out, I have been recording on my end. You can go to patreon.com says Christy, come and hear that. Woo. Thank you. Woo. Woo. Woo.

Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo.