Bad Friends - Sick In Japan

Starting point is 00:00:00 You hear that? Pfff... Ugh, paid. And... done. That's the sound of bills being paid on time. But with the BMO Eclipse Rise Visa Card, paying your bills could sound like this. Yes! Earn rewards for paying your bill in full and on time each month.

Starting point is 00:00:19 Rise to rewards with the BMO Eclipse Rise Visa Card. Terms and conditions apply. Hey, bad friends. I have only two cities left on my tour before I film my special. This weekend, Boston, Massachusetts. Boston, I love you so much. You've always done me right.

Starting point is 00:00:35 I have four shows at the Wilbur in Boston this weekend. Bring your loves out for Valentine's Day. Then, February 21 and 22, Minneapolis. Let's go, baby. I'm shooting my special for Hulu in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Come see me, go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets, andrewsantino.com.

Starting point is 00:00:51 Hello. Hello. Hello, hello, Mike. It's me, Benz Old Toast. Hello. And who are you? I'm Squeaky the Pete. Squeaky the Pete! Hello.

Starting point is 00:00:59 Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, you waited for it, you wanted. We're coming to London and Dublin. We are, we're coming, dude. Dublin. We are! We're coming dude! Tomorrow, pre-sale for the artist starts tomorrow. The code is bad friends. We're going to be in London and Dublin July 18th and 19th. 18th and 19th, we'll be there.

Starting point is 00:01:15 You gotta come because we may not come for a while after that. We may not come for a while after that. London and Dublin, we're coming to see you, we're so excited. Artist pre-sale starts tomorrow, the code is bad friends, and then it's on sale to the public on Friday February 14th get the artist pre-sale ticket so they don't jack up the prices everyone on the internet go get them Go get it. Code is bad friends You two are bad friends

Starting point is 00:01:35 Who are these two idiots? White dude and Asian dude You two are disgusting You two are something We're bad friends. Oh, it's so good. It's so good to be free and an American. American, American, I love yous.

Starting point is 00:02:02 Did you see the protest this morning in San Diego? That's what I love about America! Ha ha ha ha! We can protest! What was it about? They were mad at ICE. Oh yeah, and then tomorrow, hey, are you gonna not work tomorrow?

Starting point is 00:02:17 Carlos? Oh, because of the protest against DEI? No, no, tomorrow, What? They're doing Hispanics are gonna do a new workday. So what do you mean? It's like every day for them But you better not be working tomorrow dude, I have to be here and yeah, he has to work tomorrow Oh my god, he's a traitor I'm legal. I'm legal. Yeah. right. No, yeah, the people that are legal

Starting point is 00:02:45 are also protesting for their people. Yeah, don't you get it? I asked about my maid in Houston and apparently she's fine. She's illegal. Well, that's good. Juanita's fine? No, Marina.

Starting point is 00:02:55 Okay, listen, I wanna say something upfront, if I may. That's wrong. That's wrong. And if one day we're gonna have a Korean protest. Yeah, yeah. For what? What? What's the protest?

Starting point is 00:03:08 No more, we're not gonna make bibimbap for a day. Well, what will we do without bibimbap? You know what we're also gonna do? We're gonna dig back our kimchi up from the ground. On the area? So they don't ferment for one day, dude. Wow. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:21 I don't like that. Yeah, I know, dude. You want them to ferment, right? I like kimchi a lot. Also those girls at the karaoke, they're not working. No! Yeah, dude! Those, what are those, glass girls, what do they call them?

Starting point is 00:03:32 Grass girls? Grass girls. What do they call them? I don't know, but let me say this. Donald Trump, please don't get rid of Koreans. Like, we, please. Mexicans are fine, get rid of them! No, get rid of,

Starting point is 00:03:43 or how about the ones that came over here illegally? Koreans? Koreans, yeah. Do Koreans come over here illegally? No, we follow the rules. We're law abiding. I gotta say something wild. The woman who cleans the house sometimes. Your house?

Starting point is 00:03:57 I got scared because I thought, what if she, is she gonna get gone? And then I asked her and I said, I said, hey, you know, if, you know, if I gotta blow the whistle, you know, what do I do? Yeah. And she said, I'm from New Mexico. And I was like, what?

Starting point is 00:04:15 Really? Yeah, she's from Albuquerque. You have accent? Yeah, it's so thick. I had no idea. Nope, well then she's lying. She's a lying bastard. Okay, you be me and I'll be her.

Starting point is 00:04:25 I'll show you how it went. I'm you? Yeah. Good morning. Well, um. Hey, uh, Juanita? Her name's, just say Maria. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:04:34 Hey, Maria. Oh, hi, Mr. Andrew. You know, I'm very concerned about what's going on with the Trump thing and stuff. Okay, yeah? Yeah, so, anything I can do to help, you know? Maybe more money first. Wait, where are you from?

Starting point is 00:04:49 You're from Mexico, right? I work here. Oh, you know John Jones? Of course. I did, I do love her so much. What would I do? I said she could live at our house. Mine?

Starting point is 00:05:02 Live with us. Last week? Yeah. I gave her, so I Venmo her the money. You don't give her cash? No, Venmo. Gotta give them cash. Which, look what I did though.

Starting point is 00:05:09 Cause they gotta pay taxes on that. I gave her 200 cash on top of the money. Ooh. Cause I never thought I was gonna see her again. Okay. That's it? I swear to God. $200?

Starting point is 00:05:18 Good luck. Well, it was like, Mike, like, hey, thanks for all the laughs. Yeah. Because you know, I make fun of her when she's you know I get it so I just want you know seniorita here I don't I don't know her name but you don't know her name idea I don't want to say it though this woman is like the love of my life I love her she's honestly like a man I

Starting point is 00:05:35 trust my do you play games with yours all the time games. She never comes and finds me. Yeah. She just goes to work. I go Marco. And I go boyo. Boyo. Boyo. Boyo. Boyo. Marco. Boyo. Boyo. But-

Starting point is 00:05:55 Don't say this Trump, come on. Do it. Leave the Koreans alone. Leave them alone! Leave the Koreans alone! Oh, so leave the Mexicans alone. Nah, get them outta here! Because now check it out, dude,

Starting point is 00:06:04 who's gonna do those jobs? No, you're not strawberry. Oh yeah, you'd look like you'd pick strawberries. I love strawberries. I'm a strawberry boy. You love strawberries, yeah. I'd eat so many. What would I, could I, do you think I could pick cotton? Hmm.

Starting point is 00:06:14 Do you think I could? No. How many little swabs, I don't know how it works. Do you go swab by swab? It's swab by swab. Is it a puff? What do you call it? Up, up, up.

Starting point is 00:06:24 That's a good. Yeah, how do you do it? Up, up, up. That's a good- Yeah, how do you do it? Do you use a skythe? No, do they do by hand? A skythe? Is that a real word? In Stardew Valley we use skythe. Oh, skythe.

Starting point is 00:06:33 Yeah, to get wheat. Oh, you mean like a sickle? Is it called a sickle or a skythe? Sickle. Sickle. Okay, what's a skythe then? Dude, I hope to God that you read sickle as skythe. I think there's a skythe, dude.

Starting point is 00:06:45 I'll kill myself. I'm not going to say you're wrong. I've been seeing skythe for years, dude, because it started with that. Is it skythe? I know what a sickle is. It's got a curve to it. That's a sickle. Like a grim reaper.

Starting point is 00:06:54 That's a sickle. That's not a sickle, it's a skythe. That's a skythe? No, a sickle is a handheld, like a hammer and a sickle. No, a skythe is that, dude, with a hook. Skythe. Right, that's a skythe. Okay, what's a sickle?

Starting point is 00:07:13 I'm shot. You're all dumb. Dumbs dude slow down there all right. It's a lot some right It's almost the exact same thing right a sickle a scythe is just a longer hand exactly You don't use a sickle when you cut cotton you know the sky theater you fuck I do you don't yeah, I get the ones far Oh, you know I mean I picked the ones close and I get the ones far dude cotton is just by hand, right? It's just pick pick pick. Oh my god. Can I wear gloves? I don't think so I think that's part of it. I think I can you know what I would use those gloves that they use in the football games The gigantic like finger ones Yeah, how do they pick cotton today? I do want to know I actually don't know it's a gotta be in the football games with the gigantic finger ones. Number one? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:45 How do they pick cotton today? I do want to know. I actually don't know. It's gotta be a big machine. I want to know how. A big machine that forks it up, right? Today, cotton is almost exclusively picked by using large machines called cotton pickers,

Starting point is 00:07:56 which sounds racist. Exactly. Exactly. But dude, you know what? Whoa, little white boy, get away from that cotton picker. But back in the day, do you think in the 1800s, you think you and I would be able to do it? No way. You and me, we'd fold immediately.

Starting point is 00:08:14 My back would hurt, you would be sweating. I would be singing. Swing, swing along. Sweeter, tear your. Dude, you'd be singing with me. That's the movie we should make. Swing along, sweet chariot. Dude, you be singing with me. That's the movie we should make. Dude, you gotta do the Irish song. You and I in the- Irish accent.

Starting point is 00:08:34 Let me start. Swing along, sweet chariot. Dude, we would get nothing done. We'd get nothing done. And then you would smoke and light a field on fire on accident. Oh yeah. We would get fired.

Starting point is 00:08:48 Oh. Well, it's interesting. They never got little people to do cotton painting because it's so low to the ground. You don't have to bend over. Oh, that's good. You send them out. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:55 Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be great. It's crazy. We would never last if we weren't in this. Do you realize if we weren't living right now, you and I would be fucked? That's, you know, when people say that

Starting point is 00:09:04 and I argue against it. What would we do in another time? Because I'm gonna say something, okay? I'm the way I am is because of the environment that I'm in. Hear me out there. No, you laugh at me, you mock me dude, but I'm gonna tell you something right now. You know, I just do what's necessary.

Starting point is 00:09:20 No. Yes. I do what's, I've always done what's necessary. Bare minimum. Yeah, but just survival, right? Yeah. Right, so back then I would do the bare minimum, but I would still be able to survive and eat and all that stuff, so I would work. You think so?

Starting point is 00:09:35 Because a lot of people went and starved to death because they did the bare minimum. If you couldn't contribute, you were gone, you were dead. Bare minimum today, you get away with anything you want. Okay. Yeah. Okay, well, wait. You know what I you get away with anything you want. Okay. Yeah. Okay. You know what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:09:47 No, keep saying. Because bare minimum today, just you can get by, but you have so many resources. Back then, what would you do to get food? You're not going to hunt. Yeah, but I would have developed a different skillset. What do you think your skillset would have been? That's my point.

Starting point is 00:10:02 I would be able to, omelets. Omelet station. No, no, what I'm point. I would be able to, omelets. Omelet station. No, I know what I'm saying is I would probably make, came out wrong. These days with the price of eggs? I know, I would have figured something else out. I would have also done like maybe prostitution. So you'd hook yourself out.

Starting point is 00:10:17 I would do something that's gonna be, or you know, I know what I would do, opium then. I would do something kind of borderline illegal. Right. You know what I mean? Right, this way Mr. John, you know what I mean? And I would sit, opium then. I would do something kind of borderline illegal. Right. You know what I mean? Right, this way Mr. John. You know what I mean? And I would sit there, right?

Starting point is 00:10:28 And I would supply, I'd have that supply chain going. Okay, well that's not the minimum. That's good, that's good work ethic. Yeah, you would say Mr. Lee's. Mr. Lee's. Yeah, Mr. Lee's. I just, I see the fucking font. Oh, I see it now.

Starting point is 00:10:39 I see the lights. Right. It's like Vegas. Yes. Mr. Lee's, right? Premium opium. Right? Discount for white. the lights, it's like Vegas. Yes. Mysteries, right? Premium or premium? Right? Discount for white.

Starting point is 00:10:49 Wait, why? I just get people in. Get them in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get the bodies in there. And I would say no, you know, the other. Who's not allowed? Got it, I get it.

Starting point is 00:10:58 Like guess who it might be. Well, no hats, no loose fitting clothes. No, there's just people doing it. Oh, okay, right. Well, you know what? Yeah, no Timberland boots. I know what you're, I get it. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:06 No Fubu. I'm gonna have different things in there, right, that's gonna like make my store shine. What? Foot massages. They got that? I know, but I'll do other things like Brazilian wax. This is all going backwards.

Starting point is 00:11:20 Red eyebrows. You're selling your body. Manicures. Clothes shop bar. Yeah, I'll sit on your dick. All right. This is all, backwards. Red eyebrows. You're selling your body. Manicures. Clothes shop bar. Yeah, I'll stick, sit on your dick. All right. This is all, you a hooker. This is you, this all is just a front

Starting point is 00:11:29 for you being a hooker. No, it's not, no it's not. Yeah. That's last case. That's first case. No. Case closed. First of all, have you ever tried to have sex

Starting point is 00:11:37 when you're on opium? Have you? Yeah, it's impossible. I'll have this, I've tried to have sex on opioids, yeah. Yeah, it's hard. Even opioids, it's hard. You can't get hard, it's hard. I'll have this. I've tried to have sex on opioids. Yeah. It's hard. Even opioids, it's hard. You can't get hard.

Starting point is 00:11:48 It's hard. It's hard to get hard. Yeah, it's hard to get hard. So I would like, if some white burly guy was like jacked up on my premium opium, like straight from like, you know what I mean? The opium. Right from the opium.

Starting point is 00:12:00 Yeah, right from the opium, straight from the tap. Right from it. Right? And they're still able to go, hey man, let me in, get your butt over here, you know what I mean? I would be like, oh fuck, this one I have to do. Gotta do it.

Starting point is 00:12:11 Yeah, yeah. I saw a TikTok video the other day. There's people just posting how to make cocaine on TikTok. Do you know this? Yeah, I wanna know. They put it behind different kinds of music, but there was a guy, it was just like, with music, and he was just showing the coca leaves in the barrel and all that stuff

Starting point is 00:12:26 They're just now coca leaves are different than cacao cacao is chocolate chocolate, right? Yeah. Okay good Because i'm trying to make it up, but they're cousins Really chocolate and coca coca cocaine coca leaves and coca chocolate. I think are like cousin plants Really? I think so cacao and like cocaine leaves. Yeah, because it's- And cacao leaves. Yeah, coca, the plant. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:49 It's worldwide psychoactive alkaloid cocaine. So if I, first of all- And then chocolate plant is the coca plant, right? Yeah, but like before there was cocaine, if you and I were living in that time, and you and I- Cacao, sorry. Yeah, we were wanderers, right? Yeah. We're just wanderer, you and I, living in that time and you and I- How? Oh, sorry. We were wanderers, right?

Starting point is 00:13:06 Yeah. We're just wanderer, you and I, nomads. Nomads. And we saw that leaf. We wouldn't know what to do with it. Well, they started chewing on it. That's how they found out the powers of it. They chewed on it and gave them energy.

Starting point is 00:13:16 Yeah, but then who was like, oh, this would be great in a powder and up my nose. Like who came up with that? Who started cocaine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mexicans. And how? How?

Starting point is 00:13:24 Why would you think that you could do that? Like here's what we're saying, right? Albert Nieman isolated an active ingredient, coccolis, which he named cocaine. Well, that's like, I found out, you know how microwaves were invented? Oh, you should teach me. There was a guy who had a bar of chocolate in his pocket

Starting point is 00:13:39 and he was working near a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a, Percy Spencer. Spencer was working with a radar set when he noticed a candy bar in his pocket had melted. He discovered the magnetron tube and the radar set was emitting microwaves that generated heat, melting the bar of chocolate in his pocket. That's how fucking dumb we are. We find all this shit on accident. Accident.

Starting point is 00:14:15 So all accident. Yeah, in therapy, this is so shameful, I've never shared this before. No, you have to. But I did something in third grade about the microwave. Anyway, can I? I was living in Minnesota.

Starting point is 00:14:34 And there was a girl that lived next to me and there was a rumor that she put a rabbit in a microwave. Yeah. And exploded a pet rabbit. Yeah. When I found the rumor, right, I was so mad. I mean, I never met a rabbit, but I just remember as a kid going, fucking, fucking explore rabbits, man.

Starting point is 00:14:55 Can't do that. Yeah, fucking bullshit, man. Bad. Right? So I would, every time she would walk by in class, I would go, rabbit killer! And she didn't do it. It was just a rumor. Right. And one time she would walk by in class, I would go, rabbit killer. And she didn't do it. It was just a rumor.

Starting point is 00:15:07 Right. And one time she cried in class. Because you kept calling her rabbit. Rabbit killer, yeah, yeah. And then the teacher brought me on in front of the class and sat me down in the chair in front of the whole class and goes, you're short, you know what I mean? You're little.

Starting point is 00:15:22 What? How does that feel? Like he was belittling me in front of the class because I was making, and I started to cry. Yeah. It taught me a really big lesson. Here's the lesson. Even if it's a rumor, you don't say shit, then.

Starting point is 00:15:36 Keep it to yourself. Keep it to yourself. Also. What? Also that teacher. What? We gotta get that guy. We do?

Starting point is 00:15:44 Where the fuck is he? Belittling my friend in front of people? That makes you mad? That piss get that guy. We do. Where the fuck is he? Belittling my friend in front of people? That makes you mad? That pisses me off. I wouldn't put up with that shit. Really? Leave him alone. You would have said that in class.

Starting point is 00:15:54 I would have been so mad if somebody belittled my friend in class. Oh yeah, yeah. I think now you can do it. I've seen TikTok videos where students talk back. The one kid is my favorite that's like, instead of, you ought to be teaching that. I love that kid.

Starting point is 00:16:06 I love that kid, yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of, yeah. Yeah, he's like. Well, no, no, you make it up to me. It's like, yeah, you know, you know, you know Charles? Charles, you know, you don't pay attention in class, right? And yet you're not putting your essays in early. You wonder why kids are failing.

Starting point is 00:16:23 Hold on, hold on, hold on. You wonder why kids are failing. Let me get that over again. I'm not a good teacher. You skip a kids are failing. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You wonder why kids are failing. Let me get that over again. I'm not a good teacher. You skip a few classes you don't remember. So Charles, you know, I'm tired of your attitude. You come to class late, right? You don't seem to like be interested in your book work.

Starting point is 00:16:41 Right? And your essays are all over the place. I mean, what is going on, pal? You know, you don't really care about us as youth. You don't invest in us. You don't care about our issues and what we care about. All you want to do is get a paycheck, and that's disappointing to me. And maybe if you showed a little bit more love to the students and cared about our world

Starting point is 00:16:58 and what was important to us, maybe, just maybe, we'd create a better environment and a better future. That's so good. You don't even have to look that up. That was good, dude. I would never be able to do that. Yeah, you would. There's no way. Do yours.

Starting point is 00:17:11 I can't do it, dude. There's no way. I can't even. Alright, try. Kevin? Kevin? Yeah? You don't pay attention. What's up? And your essays are late. And I want to know who you think you are, screwing up my class, not paying attention and goofing off.

Starting point is 00:17:26 Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, man. Your generation, the algorithms, your superiority, man. Us kids, we just want to learn by tactile approach, by touching, feeling, right? Learning through our own physical experiences, man. There's other ways that we can learn, you know, not just analytical. Well, you're failing. Exactly. But if you taught me the right way

Starting point is 00:17:45 with love and empathy, right, I'd be able to absorb the information maybe. That's very good. But the beginning, the algorithm part, I went, yeah, I didn't know what I was doing there. I don't know how you even know how to look that up, but that kid was so powerful, that was such a great speech.

Starting point is 00:17:59 I could have never snapped back at a teacher. We never did that. We never did that. We got into, dude, we got in so much trouble all the time. You couldn't say shit back. You couldn't go to the bathroom. If you go to the bathroom, you're fucked. I have to go to the bathroom, too bad.

Starting point is 00:18:11 Well, I'm gonna go. Well, you're gonna- I'm a student, right? Ready? Mm-hmm. You're a teacher. Mr. Stevenson. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:17 You know, I don't know what bathroom to use because I don't feel comfortable in the men's bathroom, even though I was born male, right? But like, you know, I get stares when I go to the women's bathrooms. We gotta do something as a school. Stand up. That's it.

Starting point is 00:18:34 Stand up. That's enough. Stand up. Okay, what? Take your pants off. All right, what? That's interesting. End scene.

Starting point is 00:18:47 Even the teacher doesn't know? Yeah. I don't know what that is. Yeah, I wouldn't be a good teacher because I don't know knowledge and I don't have any topic. You got a lot of knowledge. But yeah, if I had to be forced to be a teacher at a school with the things that I know, what would it be about?

Starting point is 00:19:08 Well, Star Wars, you could do some sort of- But not that Star Wars- No, but I'm saying you could do like- Star Trek. Star Trek. Star Trek. You could do film or television theory, you could do TV theory, right? Production. Maybe, maybe. Media, media, what is that, media production?

Starting point is 00:19:22 You could do that. You could do, you could have an entrepreneurial class, a digital entrepreneur. You think so? How to start your own business on the internet. It's literally your whole life. But you could do more than me. The fuck I could?

Starting point is 00:19:32 I don't know math, I don't know science. Dude, bowling. Oh, sports, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, golf. Yep, I could do a, throw an app. I know, but still PE, you could be a coach. I am a gym teacher. A gym teacher, right? I would be a gym teacher.

Starting point is 00:19:45 I think you would know about history of hip hop and music. Yeah, but I don't think a white redheaded guy can teach that. I think that needs to change. I do too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I could do probably more of punk, you know what I mean? Art rock, you know what I mean? The history of punk?

Starting point is 00:20:01 Or the history of alternative music, maybe I could do. You could do alt music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But by the way, think about this. Now the generation's below us. How old is like Nirvana to them now? It's so crazy. Think about that.

Starting point is 00:20:13 It's classic music now. We have a radio station here in LA called K-Earth 101. And when I first moved to LA, it was the oldies, which was the 50s, 60s, and 70s. Now it's the 70s, 80s, and 90s. I can't believe it. That's oldies. The 90s! The 90s is oldies? 70s, 80s, and 70s. Now it's the 70s, 80s, and 90s. I can't believe it. That's oldies. The 90s!

Starting point is 00:20:26 The 90s is oldies? 70s, 80s, and 90s! So creep is an oldie. Yes! That's on creep. Yes! How about I'm a loser by back? Oldie.

Starting point is 00:20:36 That's not an oldie, that's a newie, dude. It's a goodie, but it's an oldie. It's a goodie, oh wow. What's a newie? Chapel Rowan. That's a newie. Oh, fuck. Sabrina Carpenter, that's a newie. Wow. What's a newie? Chapel Rowan. That's a newie. Oh, fuck. Sabrina Carpenter, that's a newie.

Starting point is 00:20:48 Wow. We're oldie, buddy. Oh my God. I feel that. Would Harry Styles be newie? He's newishy. Newishy. Newishy. Newishy, yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:58 Yeah, because you gotta think, remember that kid that was at the show? He was 16 years old. You think of his world, we're old. We're fucking old, dude. And then why does he like us because we're new we're newish she we're newish you know that song I don't know the lyrics but it's a Harry Styles down this way. Oh no, look out! What is this song? Ah, do do do, do do do do do do.

Starting point is 00:21:34 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Do do do. Yeah, I can do it in dudes. I can do it in dudes. I can't do it in, yeah, yeah. I can do anything in dudes. You're a true dooder. I'm a dooder, dude. Yeah, dooder, dude. But that song one day, if that song becomes like an oldie,

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Starting point is 00:25:33 Like what we, like we're, like it's like our Sinatra. Ooh. You know what I mean? We're gonna get there. Harry Styles will one day be like Sinatra. He, I mean, for their- Oh my God. For that generation, is he not?

Starting point is 00:25:46 Chalamet is kind of like, not, I was gonna say Newman, but Chalamet is kind of like, who's the best comparatively old actor to Chalamet? He would be like, Paul Newman's not too far off. Yeah, it's like a Robert De Niro. A Brando. But De Niro was very brand specific, right? Brando was more broad. Newman was more

Starting point is 00:26:10 like him because he was very traditionally handsome. Jimmy was more, Jimmy had a lot of character-based stuff too. Like he was very kind of, I don't know, yeah, it's hard. Think about this. God, he's good though, huh? He's the best, Shalomai. Unbelievable, that kid. Think about this. God, he's good though, huh? He's the best, Shalomai. Unbelievable, that kid. 200 years from now, what is the music gonna be like? To us, it's gonna be like, right? Don't you think? You know, it to be like, what is this? Turn that fucking music down. Turn it off. Ding.

Starting point is 00:26:51 Right, and we're like, what the fuck? And there's a little singer going, ding. He's going to ding. He's going to ding. Ding. Ba da da. Right, and we're like, what is this? But the kids are like, you're old.

Starting point is 00:27:03 You don't get it. Yeah, you guys like lyrics. And like, you know, melody. Go right home. What's melody? Loser. Oh my God. And what is the movie's gonna be like?

Starting point is 00:27:14 Fuck. It's gonna be all around us. We will be living. Like VRE. Yeah, we'll be living in a movie. Imagine like you're in the Avengers. Cause they're gonna do another Avengers a hundred years from now.

Starting point is 00:27:25 They have to keep making it. They're gonna remake it. They have to. Right, but now, you know what I mean, I'm gonna be the cab driver. You know that cab driver that just dies? Yeah. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:27:34 Yeah. Because I was watching Avengers yesterday, again, for the 90th time. I get bored. You gotta. And I look at all the extras, right? The lady goes, ah! You know what I mean, with the briefcase down the street.

Starting point is 00:27:43 You know what I mean? And I go, where is she going? You know? Where is she going? Yeah, where is she going? But I also looked up the Avengers, that New York scene. I go, approximate how many people died in that last scene. 2,600 people died there. Jesus.

Starting point is 00:28:00 That scene, 2,600 people died and no one gives a shit about those people. They're gone. Wow. What is cinema is going to be us, I guess. It's just going to be alive. It'll be a thing that's happening. Like live performance, I think performance art will like morph into like art will just become life. Will they be, they'll be merged into one. You'll just be seeing live performance art. Like now I walked down the street the other day in New York and these girls were doing like a fucking

Starting point is 00:28:25 full TikTok coordinated dance. Their phone was on the window. They have no, they're in the middle of the street. They don't even care about the world around them. We'll just continue to be immersed in this where people are making their own realities through virtual reality. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:38 And they'll just live through that. Or maybe I could be Bob Dylan. I don't think so. Yeah, yeah. The gullies are broken, the silly is gone. Yeah. You know what I mean? The mountains arise and the fountains are done.

Starting point is 00:28:50 Keep going. Yeah. The clippers are winning and the Lakers are done. Times, they are a changing. What do you think? Whoa. Pretty good, Dylan Ask, right? You do one.

Starting point is 00:29:04 Hmm. What do you think? Whoa. Pretty good. Dylan Ask, right? You do one. Hm. The Mexicans are gone. Trump wants them out. Very good. Koreans won't budge. They'll scream and they'll shout. Oh, and then Woody Guthrie's like. He. So that guy Scoot, who played Woody Guthrie came to the OR because you know he's dating

Starting point is 00:29:31 my friend Sosie. So Sosie goes, me and Scoot are coming and I got him a table and they sat and five comics all night long pointed to him and goes great job in the movie. He did do a great job. Like Mark Maron, like a bunch of people. And it was, I just, and I could see him just like, like take it in, you know what I mean? Like he killed it in that movie.

Starting point is 00:29:55 Imagine what that feels like. But you know, like we, we get audience reactions every night. Yeah. So we know what that's like. Yeah, but we never put out like an award-winning performance. This is. Hmm.

Starting point is 00:30:05 You think so? I don't think we'll- No, I don't think so. I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so. You know what this is? This show should be called Bear Minimum. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:15 That's what this is. Yeah. Two bears, one minimum. Wow. Yeah, you're right. But it was nice to see. So I shared with you what happened last Thursday for Timmy. What?

Starting point is 00:30:26 It was a disaster. I'd like to share it on group level if I may. Give it. Okay. I get a call from the little hobbit, the punk rock hobbit. You know who that is? No. The punk rock hobbit. Just think about it.

Starting point is 00:30:40 He's a comic. The punk rock hobbit. Yeah. He started- Josh Adam Myers? Started comedy late in life. Dean Del Ray? Yes.

Starting point is 00:30:50 So he calls me, hey, hey Bobby, I'm doing this benefit show, Steven Tyler, baby. Yeah. Right, and I go, I don't do well in benefit shows. You're gonna kill. So I show up and Steven Tyler is in the green room. Wow. I take a photo with them. Super nice. Did he ask you or you ask him? I think he goes, hey, let's take a photo. I'm serious. Yeah, yeah, I think that was the vibe. I know he's a fan. Yeah, and I

Starting point is 00:31:13 sat there and I was like, this is cool. Then Josh Holm comes in from Queens of the Stone Age. Yeah. Let me say something. I'm one of his biggest fans. I love Queens. You love Queens. No, I love them crooked vultures. Yeah, yeah. And I met him and I was just like, oh, are you ever going to put on another vulture's album? He's like, I don't know, we're all, you know, our schedules and that. And then Adam Ray goes up and he's pretty good and I'm after him. And so I go up, I open my mouth and I'm telling you guys right now, I know I told you guys this yesterday, right? I haven't bombed like this

Starting point is 00:31:54 in years. It was silent in the room. And my time, because I want to kill, right? Because I'm like, my heroes are in the crowd, right? And about two minutes in, in my periphery, because I know where Josh Holm is sitting, I could just see him stand up and just walk out. Yeah, he walked out of the room. What if he was going to make another album? He would.

Starting point is 00:32:17 No. You could have inspired him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. My heart combusted into my fucking chest plate. Well, Josh, please reach out. And then I go, you might as well put one to the back. And then, you know what he's doing? He's talking to Adam Ray in the back.

Starting point is 00:32:32 Oh boy, that hurt. It hurt. And what toppled that over the worst? The server comes to the table the other night, right after you tell that story, and the server goes, sorry, I don't know who you guys are. Yeah. That's okay. She goes, do you know Adam Ray?

Starting point is 00:32:44 Yeah, I remember that. You got so fucked. I didn't get mad. You are. Yeah. That's okay. She goes, do you know Adam Ray? Yeah, I remember that. You got so fucking mad. I didn't get mad. You were bummed. I'm proud. You were bummed too. No, I was, I didn't give a shit at all. When your eyes crinkled, dude, you get that jealousy.

Starting point is 00:32:53 Yeah, you did that. You did a Clint Eastwood did. You know what I was on. I was like, I don't want to talk anymore. I want to eat food. I'm starving. Yeah. She wanted to talk comedy. But you know, and Adam's having a moment.

Starting point is 00:33:03 That's great, right? But it's just like, it broke my heart. And you know what, the same thing happened to me 18 years ago, and I've never shared this because it's so embarrassing. Give it. So there was this time where Anthony Kiedis was really hot on me.

Starting point is 00:33:18 And he was like, you were hitting on you? No, he loved my comedy. Oh. I remember one time I was playing in Vegas and he brought, the reason why I was in The Dictator is because he introduced me to Sasha. Whoa. So I was playing the Playboy comedy night at the Palms

Starting point is 00:33:35 and Court McConwen comes up to me and goes, dude, fucking, Anthony Kiedis is here with Sasha Baron Cohen and David Spade. Oh, wow. So they sat, watched my set and then they took me to dinner, right? And then, and then like he would invite me to shows, Anthony, and then I was doing a show at the El Cid, and he brought Flea, the whole band, and they sat in front.

Starting point is 00:33:58 It was alternative room, okay? Okay. I bombed so hard that night, I never talked to him again. He never communicated with you again? No. Wow. I could see them blush and he was embarrassed. You've never bombed in front of your heroes. Well, you're my hero and every time I do bad in front of you

Starting point is 00:34:16 it breaks my heart. No, you've never, you always kill it in front of your heroes. Did you like that? That's not even remotely true. Dude, you know what? You know what, that's not even remotely true. In fact, in fact, in fact, in fact, in front of like famous people?

Starting point is 00:34:28 No, I don't have any good stories of like famous people coming to see me. The only good story I had was when Catherine O'Hara came to see me. Where? At the improv. Wow, when? I told you guys that story.

Starting point is 00:34:37 No, we never heard that, when? I've never told that on the show. No. I have told this story. Yeah, I was auditioning for a show. He did a TV show for HBO. Okay. I auditioned for the show. And then by way of somehow through a manager or something,

Starting point is 00:34:52 she obviously is so close with guests, she came and saw me at the improv and somebody was like, hey, I think Catherine O'Hara is here to see you. And I was like, fuck, really? I was so bummed. I was by the bar. I was like, fuck, this is not good. Cause like, what the fuck am I gonna do?

Starting point is 00:35:07 Right? I go up, I have a fine set. It was good. Of course you did. Well, the rhythm was nice. The room was good. And then I go back, like I nervously like walked by the room and then I go in,

Starting point is 00:35:20 I go into the, you know, to the green room. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I should go say, I want to go say hi maybe. And then the guy that was working at the booth was like, she left. I was like the green room. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I should go say, I wanna go say hi maybe. And then the guy that was working at the booth was like, she left. I was like, fuck dude. And he was like, no, no, no, no.

Starting point is 00:35:30 She sat, watched your whole show, was laughing. And then as soon as you got done, she got up and she went back home. And I never heard about it ever again. Christopher never- Wow. I never spoke to him about it. I never heard anything about it. Wow.

Starting point is 00:35:42 Kind of crazy. That's cool, dude. It felt so rockstar. I don't know if she was like, if she like caught wind and I don't even know how it happened that it was like, I'm gonna go watch that guy. So I have, you know, that there was a movie idea that my friend, McGrail and I came up with.

Starting point is 00:35:58 And there's a pretty big male, you know, actor that wants, that is curious about a role. Like a big guy. He's pretty, I don't wanna say who it is, but he wants to see me, sometime in the next couple of weeks, perform. But I'm afraid that it's gonna be another internet Josh Holmes situation.

Starting point is 00:36:17 No chance. And Josh, by the way, reach out. He's not mad. No, I know, it's all in my head. He was so nice to me, by the way, and I'm a huge fan, He's such a great talent. Imagine if he emails Carlos in the booth at gmail.com and he's like, please tell Bobby that I do love him.

Starting point is 00:36:30 And I've hit the ball so many times too. I mean, I mean. You almost always hit the ball. Almost every time I do, you know what I mean? Sometimes we foul tip it. Yeah. We're gonna foul tip it. Yeah, sometimes you do.

Starting point is 00:36:41 Who's here? Zach. Bring him in. Yeah, bring him in. Bring's here? Daxt. Bring him in. Yeah, bring him in. Bring in our boy. Uh oh. Look who it is. Oh my, did you cut your hair?

Starting point is 00:36:53 Not recently, well I took a shower a second ago. That's it. That's it. That's it. I think you nailed it. That's it, buddy. Yeah, yeah. Hello.

Starting point is 00:37:04 Welcome back to the show, Dax Flame, everybody. You look like you had a spiritual experience. Like you look like a different person. I exercised also today. And shower. What did we do in the exercise? What did we do? I played basketball with a friend.

Starting point is 00:37:19 Can I see your three points dance? Wow. Wow. Whoa. One on one? No, just shooting. You guys were just shooting together? How long do you shoot for?

Starting point is 00:37:31 Maybe 30 minutes to an hour. And do you break a sweat or no? Yes. Are you wearing these clothes that you're wearing now or you were wearing? No, I wore shorts today. And a lot. Oh, you did. Wow.

Starting point is 00:37:42 I've never seen your legs before. Yeah, I usually wear jeans or pants. Are your legs nice? Let's see. You can see them if you want. Yeah, I'd like to see them. Well, I'd like to see one. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:37:53 Whoa, those are pretty good legs actually. Thank you. They're World War II legs. Those are, that's like. You know what I mean, like just a traditional white. Those are Normandy. Yeah, Normandy legs dude, traditional white. Have you ever stormed a beach? No. Do you know what I mean? Like just a traditional white. Those are Normandy. Yeah, Normandy legs, dude. Traditional white. Have you ever stormed a beach?

Starting point is 00:38:06 No. Do you go to the beach? Yeah, but I never swim. Yeah, you shouldn't. Yeah. You shouldn't, you don't know what's out there. You know who you're, you know what guy you are on Normandy? Who?

Starting point is 00:38:16 The guy that kind of catches on fire. But then you run into the ocean. Is that the, is Saving Private Ryan, is that where that started? Yeah. Okay. But then you run in the ocean, you only half burn, but then you pretend you're dead in the water.

Starting point is 00:38:28 Okay. Then the war passes and then you're back. Would you play dead in war, do you think? In a movie or in a- In real war. No, real war, it's coming. If I didn't think I had a chance anymore. You just play dead, play possum.

Starting point is 00:38:39 Yeah. Unless there is like someone I could potentially help. Okay, let's play it out, all right? We're in one of those, I don't know what you call it, but you know, in the beginning of Save and Private Ryan, they're in that boat. Those boats. U-boat. Well, no, U-boats are the submarines, right?

Starting point is 00:38:54 Yeah, but it's one of those boats where, like, they're always either vomiting, right? And they're just super scared. And bullets, pew, pew, pew, whizzing by, right? And they're holy, and there's always one guy with a cross, and he kisses it, right? There's always one guy like that.

Starting point is 00:39:09 And there's another guy going, mama, you know what I mean? There's a mama guy always. And there's one guy going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Rogan. The killer. Joe Rogan. Overcompensating, right? Jacked up on Alpha.

Starting point is 00:39:20 So then the thing closes, goes down. And then you see two or three guys in the front just go down right away, right? What do you do? What do you do? So I see two people just die right away? Yeah. Well, you're like fourth row, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:37 You know what I mean? Frankie Castro dies in front of you, right? Devon Sanchez dies in front of you. Marco. Jackson Jackson dies in front of you. Yeah, Marco Suano. Marco, but dies in front of you, and then what do you do? Stay in the boat You don't move forward to the peach I mean if every single person is getting killed they are nobody but you're you're fucking capped with it

Starting point is 00:39:59 What do you call a captain or your sergeant your sergeant? Yeah sergeant's going come on flame move forward flame Get going you're just gonna sit there But people don't you just sit there flame Yeah, I would probably just point out that every single person has died as they left so oh all right pretty logical They're pretty logical does make sense. Yeah, you know what you probably go overboard on the other side under the water It does make sense. Yeah, you know what? You probably go overboard under the water.

Starting point is 00:40:24 They would throw me over your thing? Cause if you were in front of me and you weren't moving, right, I would throw you over so I could get forward. Yeah. But then you would get killed, right? I don't know yet. It's the odds are bad, but it's like, I have to go forward. I would use you as a human shield.

Starting point is 00:40:38 Yeah, me too. I think I would grab you and I would just have my flame shield. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're just getting... Let me see what that looks like. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:49 You know what I would do too? When he's down. When he's down, you know what I would do? I would steal something. You know what I would steal from him? His morphine packet. Oh yeah. Morphine packet. And you would feel every pain.

Starting point is 00:41:04 Yeah, you would. Of your death. I wouldn't inject you with a morphine because you were a coward. That would probably, yeah, that would make more sense than just people going forward using someone as a shield. If it was a shield. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:17 Pretty heavily. Dude, that was a brutal scene. What's been going on with you, Dax? What's been happening in your life? Somebody told me that you're seeing somebody now. I heard a rumor that you're dating somebody famous. Do you know this? Oh, that's not accurate.

Starting point is 00:41:29 Who said that? He's got a famous girlfriend. He's being shy about it. Tell me what, I'm jealous. Just tell him. Emma Watson. He's dating Emma Watson. He's been seen, paparazzi have caught them out in public.

Starting point is 00:41:41 You're really dating Emma Watson? Mm-hmm. Why are you being so loud? She asked me to keep it private, but I don't like to keep anything private. I mean, we can cut it out. Are you being real right now? Yeah, he is.

Starting point is 00:41:55 Do you want us to cut it out? Yeah. We should cut it out. Is there a photo? There was a paparazzi photo, I don't know. I wanna see Dax and Emma together. I kinda believe it. No, they are.

Starting point is 00:42:06 Really? No. Is that him? Yeah. Bluechew. I'm sorry, but without Bluechew, maybe I'm not good. Right. Because I've been using it, you know what I mean?

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Starting point is 00:43:25 I have a sore throat. Oh my, you gotta go to ZocDoc. I have to get a doctor. Yeah, this is the best way to get one. I kinda sound like R.F.K. Can I tell you what it is? Yeah. ZocDoc is a free app, my friend.

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Starting point is 00:44:20 and go to zocdoc.com slash badfriends to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c d o c dot com slash bad friends zocdoc.com slash bad friends. This Friday, Captain America arrives. Sam, the world needs heroes. Here I am. Get tickets now for the first Marvel movie event of the year. With Anthony Mackie, I'm going in. It's now for the first Marvel movie event of the year. Let's go! Woo! Woo!

Starting point is 00:44:46 With Anthony Mackie. I'm going in. Giancarlo Esposito. Stand by for proof of death. And Harrison Ford. I'll show the world I've changed. You want me? Come and get me!

Starting point is 00:44:56 Captain America, Brave New Worlds. See you tonight, Max. This Friday, hit tickets now. Isn't that crazy? That's crazy, dude. So how did you guys meet? How'd you meet Emma Watson? I went to a Harry Potter thing.

Starting point is 00:45:10 Like a meetup or a convention or what was it? A book signing. Oh, okay, right on. Oh, a book signing. And you were signing the books. Emma. Oh, Emma Watson was. Did you just run game on her?

Starting point is 00:45:22 So I'm Emma Watson. Hello, welcome. You want me to sign your book? Hello. I'm her publicist, Ramon. Hello. That's my publicist Ramon. Would you like me to sign a book? Yeah. Wonderful. What's your name?

Starting point is 00:45:36 Dax. Dax, you're cute. Thank you. So are you. Thank you. I don't know why you're signing that. That's eyes wide shut, the script. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Is this the script for American Psycho? Listen, are you a big fan? Yes. You want a photo? Yes. All right, anything else? All right, hurry up. How's your day going? Oh my god. I mean not bad at all really. Okay. It's better that you're here. Oh thank you. What kind of things do you like to do?

Starting point is 00:46:05 I mean, count money. These things are probably the worst. Go shopping, eating food. Crab cake, crab cake. I love crab cakes. Horchata. Horchata. I'm a big all right.

Starting point is 00:46:20 She loves horchata. I love horchata. That's very good. Yeah. So? Salsaata. Yeah, that's very good. Yeah. Yeah, so Salsa verde. Love salsa verde If she's eating Mexican food, she loves salsa verde. What's your favorite place to get it? Mexican food. Yeah, maybe like Del Taco. Piquito Mas. Okay We should go there sometime. You guys coming out on a date? Mm-hmm. Really?

Starting point is 00:46:44 Wow You've got quite the confidence little man. Thank you We should go there sometime. You're asking me out on a date? Really? Wow. Wow. You've got quite the confidence little man. Thank you. You're absolutely incredible dude. Are you cut or uncut? Have you got a sleeve or is it a muckbun? I'm circumcised, yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:01 Really? And how big is it limp? Excuse me for a second, Emma, there's a long line. Yeah, Mm-hmm. And how big is it limp? Uh, normal. Excuse me for a second. I know there's a long line. Yeah, they can wait. I know, but it's like, you know, we've had a hard out in 45 minutes. Quite horny, so they can wait.

Starting point is 00:47:11 I know, but- How big is it limp? Um, I'm uncomfortable with your publicist hearing. Oh, close your ears. Okay. How big is it? Average, normal. Great.

Starting point is 00:47:22 Uncover. Okay. I heard it still. Yeah, he said average. Tom Hardy's in line. Really? Yeah, he's gonna ask you out. Well, give me your number and take me out on a date. Okay. Where are you gonna take her? Paquito Moss? Get more creative. Get more creative. Hi-Ho? That was the place. Hi-ho hamburger. It's owned by Sugarfish. Tell me, after the date, what would you want to do to me?

Starting point is 00:47:50 Um, maybe... I'm yours, Dex. What would you do to me? In the villa. We have a villa. I guess make out. Make out? Then? Maybe see whatever you're comfortable with. I'm comfortable with all of it.

Starting point is 00:48:10 Tell me what you like. You want me to spit on you, kick you, pull your hair? Um, I think maybe just play it by ear. You want me to play with your ears? Sure. Wonderful. Grab his ears. Shit in his mouth.

Starting point is 00:48:28 Dude, I see how you got her. Really good, dude. Well, let me tell you something. We've had a lot of submissions to break up your relationship. You know this, we've had women who have submitted to date you. Do you know this?

Starting point is 00:48:37 Okay. Put on your headphones so you can hear this woman you like right there. Let's be honest, okay? If you really want to go on a date, we'll make it happen. There's a lot of women out there. And you really are dating Emma Watson,

Starting point is 00:48:47 so some of these women need to get in line. People need to know. So this one will be second. Let's see. Hi, Dex. My name is Katie. I'm 34 years old. I am a single mom.

Starting point is 00:49:02 I have a four-year-old son that lives with me full-time. I work in Orange County. I work at a veterinary hospital. I'm a practice manager. So I'm around animals all day, pretty much. I do like to go to comedy shows. I was at the comedy store a few weeks ago when you opened for Bobby and Andrew, and that was awesome.

Starting point is 00:49:30 You were super funny. And I like going to hockey games. I'm a huge hockey fan. I like good food. I don't really know what else to say, but yeah, hopefully I get to talk to you soon. She's a babe bro She's a dude. She works with animals babe hockey babe. She's very pretty. Yeah, she's pretty we did not pay her to say Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah in case you have that honestly honestly. How do you feel? Let's be real good

Starting point is 00:50:00 You do about her. Yeah, is this someone that might be your type? Yeah, right on do that might be your type? Yeah. Right on. Do you like hockey at all? No. Could you pretend to like it? Yeah. All right, check it out. We're at the hockey game.

Starting point is 00:50:13 We're at the Anaheim Ducks game and they're playing the Edmonton Oilers. Look at them out there. Which one do you like the most? That guy. Who you rooting for? Oh, the Oilers. No.

Starting point is 00:50:23 Fuck dude, we gotta get that part right. Yeah. The Ducks. Anaheim Ducks. Anaheim Ducks. Yeah, there's an Orange County. No. No. Fuck dude, we gotta get that part right. Yeah, yeah. The ducks. Anaheim ducks. Anaheim ducks. Yeah, ducks, orange county. Okay. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:31 Oh, which, which, what position do you like the most on the ice? Who do you like? Goalie. You love the goalie. Nice dude. You like to protect. Yes.

Starting point is 00:50:37 Yeah, you seem like a protector. Yeah. Right on, man. And she has a four year old son. You gonna be comfortable with another, another young man around? Yeah. Oh now, a puck comes towards you. What do you do?

Starting point is 00:50:46 Whoa, heads up. Whoa. You grab it? No, you grab it with your mouth. Like a seal, dude. You go, ah, and then gooch or like that. Well, no, he grabbed it. What if he puts it in his mouth afterwards?

Starting point is 00:50:56 Oh, that's true. Wow, did you catch the puck? Do it again. Whoa. Whoa. Wow. And then, OK um great you're gonna take her on a date? In real life or in? In real life. Oh yeah. Okay before you do her four-year-old son is right here this is Milo. Hi. And you have to tell Milo that you're gonna take his

Starting point is 00:51:20 mom on a date because he's a little uncomfortable. He, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's cool to meet you. Nice to meet you. How was, how are you? I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, good. Do you go to school? Yep, yep, yep, yep. You're, you seem really cool.

Starting point is 00:51:48 You cool, cool. Do you like hockey? Yeah, yeah, Gretzky. Oh yeah, Wayne Gretzky. No, John. John Wayne Gretzky. John Wayne Gretzky. John Wayne Gretzky.

Starting point is 00:52:01 He's my favorite serial killer. So, I don't know if you're willing to leave Emma Watson, but Bad Friends will pay for you to take a girl on a beautiful date. If you'd like to take any of these women on a date, we will pay for the date. And I'm talking start to finish. Okay.

Starting point is 00:52:15 We'll get you a car service. We'll get you a nice dinner. We'll pick up the bill. We'll, you know, movie, whatever you want to do afterwards. I'll be there. Bobby, we'll have to chaperone. We'll have to chaperone.

Starting point is 00:52:24 Would y'all both be there? Would you like us both to be there? So it would either be just you or just the two of you? No, I'm probably not going to be there. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. Be honest with me, dude. Let's get this out and open, dude.

Starting point is 00:52:43 Why are you uncomfortable with just me being there? Well, I think if there's just one other person on it, like a date, it might feel, well, I actually don't, I don't know, yeah. Yeah, you don't know. True. Exactly. Would you like me and Bobby to go on a double date with you and one of these girls?

Starting point is 00:52:59 Oh, like you would bring people? I'll bring my own date, you bring a date. No, I was saying, you and I date each other. Oh yeah, yeah, we'll bring, yeah, us two together., you bring a date? No, you bring your wife. You and I date each other. Oh yeah, yeah. The fuck are you talking about? Yeah, us two together. We're on a date. That could be- Distracting?

Starting point is 00:53:10 Yeah, but it might make things less awkward. How about this? We'll pay for a date with you and one of these nice young ladies, if you feel like, or many if you'd like, and you just report back and tell us how it went. Okay. Do you want us to be there?

Starting point is 00:53:22 I don't think we'd want to be there. Okay. Do you want us to be there? Be honest't think we'd want to be there. Okay. Do you want us to be there? Be honest. I don't know. I have to think. Yeah, think about it. But okay, if you were to, do you have a car yet?

Starting point is 00:53:35 Yes. Good. That's good. Thank you. Congratulations. You got a new car? No, it's not new. But I mean, you got a car.

Starting point is 00:53:42 Yeah. Did you not have a car before? Yeah. No, I did. Oh, you did. You always had a car. Yeah. I know I didn't, I thought he didn't. A Subaru. Oh, that's a good car.

Starting point is 00:53:49 Thank you. Yeah. Would you drive to Orange County to take her on a date? Okay. I will say there's a couple hockey games coming up. Maybe we can get you to one of those hockey games with that girl if you're interested. Do you hook up on the first date or no?

Starting point is 00:54:01 Generally or no? If I felt comfortable with someone and there was a good, yeah, then I would be comfortable too. I believe that. I believe that. If you had an unlimited budget to take a girl on a date to a restaurant or whatever, where are you taking her?

Starting point is 00:54:26 We're paying, bad friends are paying, don't worry about it. No, how about this, a weekend. A getaway, right? We'll pay for everything. Just tell us what, sky's the limit. Yeah, where do you want to go? Where do you want to go?

Starting point is 00:54:39 We will, no fuck. We're travel agents. Yeah. And you know. Tokyo. Little Tokyo. Yes. Little Tokyo in downtown LA. Right, that. And you know. Tokyo. Little Tokyo. Yeah. Little Tokyo in downtown LA.

Starting point is 00:54:48 Right, that's what you meant. Or Tokyo, Japan. Tokyo, Japan. Okay, Tokyo, Japan, that's great. So, did you write that down, Tokyo? I did, I heard it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little expensive.

Starting point is 00:54:59 It is, but we're gonna do it. Okay. Yes, so, and first class? For both of you. First class, both of themhuh first class both of them interesting. Yeah, it'll be cheap Yeah, what hotel like we're already ten thousand. Yeah, we're deep. This is bad. Yeah. Yeah park. I it what hotel yeah Yeah, that's okay. How much is how much is the park? I lost translation? Yeah couple thousand a night a couple thousand Yeah, how many nights is it? I think how long you stay there a couple weeks Okay, 14 dot 14 times what?

Starting point is 00:55:25 That's two and a half thousand. Yeah, yeah. So we're talking about 30 grand, along with the flights 40, we're about 50 grand. We're sinking right now. Yeah, yeah, 50 grand and then- Euro dreams of sushi, you wanna go see Euro on the subway? Yeah, whatever.

Starting point is 00:55:38 Subway, okay, that's another five grand, two grand. Five. Five grand from Euro, all right. Can we go now just like, you know, like the dumplings and stuff after that or now? For a couple of days. Okay. Oh, he's got demands.

Starting point is 00:55:51 And so then what are some of the activities you would like to do? To probably just walk around and look at stuff. Okay. That'll be cheap. That's cheap. Thank God. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:02 This guy's gonna buy a bullet train or something. Yeah. Have you been to Japan before? Yes. And you loved it. I got the flu, so that's why I wanna go back and not get sick. Wait, you got the flu on your way there

Starting point is 00:56:16 once you got there? On day two. Oh my God, what was that like? Depressing. How did you get it, do you think? You got it from traveling? Yeah, probably from just from traveling. Was it a bug or the physical, like you were?

Starting point is 00:56:27 I, they told me it was the flu, cause then I went and like went to the doctor to see if I needed any medicine. And they said it was the flu. It was before COVID? After. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 00:56:39 Wow, that's incredible. And how long were you there with the flu? One week, so one day healthy and then six days sick and then I went back. So you were in bed for six days? Well yeah, I mean the second day I was kind of like just kind of like walking around but feeling bad and I was like I'm just gonna relax at my hotel and then I just started to feel really bad. Wow. So you spent six days in a hotel basically? Yes. Who'd you go with? Just solo. Dax. You're by yourself. Sick in Japan?

Starting point is 00:57:07 Sick in Japan, by yourself. That's the saddest. Did you ever write a song about this? No. You should. Okay. Sick in Japan. Sing it now.

Starting point is 00:57:16 Sick in Japan. Let's hear it. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the debut of Sick in Japan by Dax Flame. I was excited. Bought my ticket. let's take this trip. Wow, it's awesome going around, but there's something else going around.

Starting point is 00:57:32 It's the flu, and I miss you. Wow. Wow. Sick in Japan. Sick in Japan. Pretty sick. Yeah. Did you fly first class?

Starting point is 00:57:44 No. Why'd you fly first class? No. Why'd you ask first class for this trip? Yeah, what's going on? You said unlimited budget. We did, yeah. That's true, that's my bad. I gotta be honest with you, I kinda wanna send him to Japan.

Starting point is 00:57:52 I know. Like I really- Now we feel bad. I want you to go. I'll go, okay. Yeah. Should we pay for him to go to Japan? I think that's a fucking rad move.

Starting point is 00:58:05 Would you love that? I would love that a fucking rad move. Would you love that? I would love that, but no pressure. But how about this? Here's the twist. You've got to go to LAX right now. Twist would be, you have to leave from the podcast and go to LAX, you have to go literally now. You might not even be able to go home.

Starting point is 00:58:20 Yeah. We'll buy you a kimono. Okay. Right? You know what I mean mean chopstick hair things You gotta put those. What do you think Dex? Would you go to Japan right now if we bought you a ticket? There's two flights tonight. Well, I do need my laptop Why you wanna watch Netflix, what are you doing so I can edit? Yeah, he wants to be able to edit and shoot

Starting point is 00:58:41 I'll edit your shit. Yeah, cuz I have videos that I have to post still. I could make new ones. Or we could maybe bring a friend of yours to shoot. He's going to work out there, right? No, he's got to go alone because he wants to relive that solo experience in Japan. That's the beauty of Japan. Am I right?

Starting point is 00:58:57 Yeah. Who shoots with you normally? My friend. Yeah, I met him. We met him. I met him. I think we should send him to fucking Japan, dude. Singapore, no.

Starting point is 00:59:07 Let's say more, what's cheaper? What's cheaper? Yeah. Mongolia or something. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Would you like to go to Mongolia? I don't know anything about it, but I'll go.

Starting point is 00:59:17 It's great. There's a Genghis Khan museum. That'd be cool. Yeah, yeah, and you like Mongolian beef? Yes. They got that. And you like Mongolian beef? Yes. They got that. They got that.

Starting point is 00:59:27 There it is. Right. I gotta tell you. And the eagle? Look at the eagle. Look at the eagle. Do you like Mongolian eagles? Eagle, baby.

Starting point is 00:59:34 That looks pretty cool. I'd like to see that. Dude, look at how much, you're gonna get sick out there. No way. You get healthier if anything. Yeah. I managed, I was on a donkey with an eagle on her arm,

Starting point is 00:59:45 you and I. Us three going there. Now I'm watching. That's you and me and Bobby. That's Bobby with the eagle. Imagine that life. The fresh air. It does look really, really refreshing.

Starting point is 00:59:57 Yeah, yeah. And interesting. I really wanna send him to Japan. Okay, Japan. I really mean it. I'm not even fucking kidding for the show. I really wanna send him to Japan. Well, let's just fucking do it to Japan. Okay, Japan. I really mean it. I'm not even fucking kidding for the show. I really want to send him to Japan. Well, let's just fucking do it, man. Okay, fine.

Starting point is 01:00:09 We're gonna send you to Japan. Look at that, though. Huh? Cool. Have you ever seen a skeleton cow? What is that next to that lady? That's insane looking. It's Mongolia, dude.

Starting point is 01:00:22 What is that? Cow. That's a cow? Wow's Mongolia, dude. What is that? Cow. That's a cow? Wow. What time is it? On a sun pick. What time is it right now? What time is it?

Starting point is 01:00:31 Eight. It's eight, eight oh one. Is there a midnight flight? Would you really go tonight if we booked you a flight? Well, I would have to get my passport. Yeah, we'd send you home and then you- Of course. Okay, there's an 1120.

Starting point is 01:00:41 I am supposed to go to New York on Friday. Why? Because someone wanted me to come make videos for them. Would you rather go to Japan? Could I do both? You want us to, well, we'll fly you round trip from LA to Japan and back, so you would leave tonight at midnight, 11.20 p.m.

Starting point is 01:01:01 You lose two days, you know that, right? Let's see. We'll be getting back. When you 20 p.m. You lose two days, you know that, right? Let's see. We get him back. When you come back. Yeah. Is it really that long? Well, he has to stop. There's only a stop at night.

Starting point is 01:01:12 There's no direct at night. 22 hours. You willing to stop? Stop is 10 hours. Yeah. Yeah? Because you wanna go to Japan. Can we stop him in Mongolia at least?

Starting point is 01:01:23 There's gotta be a cheaper way. How much is it? 940, you have a five hour stop in- He wants first class though, dude. First class is so expensive. Let's see what it is. How much is first class? $20,000?

Starting point is 01:01:42 $20,000? That's how much it costs to go to fucking Japan. Both ways or just one way? That's gotta be both ways. That's gotta be both ways. Round trip. We hope so. And what's business?

Starting point is 01:01:53 That's insane. 20 grand? Yeah, we do business, right? We do business when we travel. We better be doing business. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we don't do first. Holy shit. Holy shit, imagine that.

Starting point is 01:02:03 Imagine how many little Japanese guys can do that. They just do that all the time. Like little Japanese businessmen, they fly that all the time. Why do you think they're little? Huh? Some people are bigger. Which ones?

Starting point is 01:02:12 That's true. Yeah. There's business, 5,000. Let me say this, and I'm not kidding. I'm not making a joke. When you get back from New York, you call the boys and we are immediately gonna book you a flight to Japan. Wow, okay, I'll do it if you still want to then.

Starting point is 01:02:26 No, I want to now. Cool. So we will do it. The boys know we will book you a flight to Japan. I wanna go though. You wanna go with them? No. Okay. But don't you wanna go?

Starting point is 01:02:37 Let's all go. Well, we're going to Korea, aren't we? We're going to Korea. That's what you say, but I don't know, man. Do you not wanna go? I do wanna go, but is that real? Yeah, it's literally, I have to go. I know you have to go.

Starting point is 01:02:47 So you- But who's gonna fly me there? They will. But they're gonna give me a business? Of course. Okay, okay. Yes. I'm actually a baby.

Starting point is 01:02:56 Yeah. I'd like to go. Of course you're gonna go. I'll go. Dax. Dax. Will you go to Korea with us? Yeah. Dude, how funny if he got sick again in Japan.

Starting point is 01:03:04 Oh, I'm gonna get him sick. The second time? Yeah, yeah. We can plan that. One of the funny if he got sick again in Japan. Oh, I'm gonna get him sick. The second time? Yeah, yeah. We can plan that. One of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. We get him sick on purpose to the second trip to Japan. Do you speak Japanese? No.

Starting point is 01:03:13 Try. Niichiro? Good, done. Very good. You're done. Dude, I thought it was a Japanese dude just now. Oh, sakoko sabasa. Say it again.

Starting point is 01:03:20 Ohayougozaimasu. When they walk into the restaurant? Yeah. Yeah, I get that. It's funny, you're scared of doing the accent. I know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:31 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you are scared of it. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know how that would sound. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've never done that at home? Like, come on, Dax.

Starting point is 01:03:39 You know you've done different accents at home, not on camera because you're afraid to get canceled. To do the Japanese accent while speaking Japanese? Yeah. At home. In your privacy you do it. Um, maybe. Yeah. I mean you've done like urban guys at home, you know what I mean? Maybe, I can't remember specific.

Starting point is 01:04:01 Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about rednecks? Have you done it? Can you do a redneck? You know me impression you could because it's white. Go ahead. Hey y'all Hey, hey Do you do you like do you do you like? Trailers I do do you yeah, we do you have one for sale? Yeah, how much yeah, well tell us about I want to just buy. Okay. Yeah, you're right. How much you got? Yeah. How much? Yeah. Well, tell us about it. I don't want to just buy.

Starting point is 01:04:23 OK. Yeah, you're right. How much you got? What? That's not how it works. Explain to me what kind of trailer? What's what? What are the convenient things about it and the utilities and just like the trailer hitch and that's we always we always wanted to go ahead. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:40 What else? A. Little. Bed to a bed. We love little beds, little bed to bed. We love little beds. Little bed to bed? Yeah, little bed to bed. Little bed to bed. You have a medium bed to bed? Yep.

Starting point is 01:04:53 Okay, we'll get a medium bed to bed. Yeah, and what else? TV. Oh, what kind though? Color. Color TV. Flat screen. Flat screen?

Starting point is 01:05:02 Oh, that's nice. How big? 36 inch TV. Wow, that's- It's not big at all. Not big at all, but okay. 48 inches TV. That's still pretty small, but that's fine. What else is there?

Starting point is 01:05:11 Is there a bathroom? Yeah. Okay. How many? One, two. One or two. You seem to be losing your accent, sir. Where are you from?

Starting point is 01:05:19 Yeah. Where are you really from, sir? Texas. You're from Texas? Yeah. What part? Dallas. Really, where? Oh, my're from Texas? Yeah, yeah. What part? Dallas. Really, where?

Starting point is 01:05:27 Oh, my cousins live in Dallas. They just moved there. Which area? North of Dallas. Like Frisco? We love North of Dallas. Don't we love North of Dallas? We love North of Dallas.

Starting point is 01:05:36 We love it there. Nice. Piano bars. So are you gonna sell us this trailer? Yep. What are you asking for it? $15,000. Mm-hmm. No. Wow selling everything because you're moving to Japan? Yeah. Did something happen? Yeah, I got sick last time I was there.

Starting point is 01:05:48 One time. I was like, I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital.

Starting point is 01:05:58 I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital.

Starting point is 01:06:04 I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'm gonna go to the hospital, I got sick last time I was there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want to rid the unit. We should bring him to. Yeah, I know, don't say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:14 Don't say it out loud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got some plans for you, bud. I really, yeah. You like us as family. We feel like family to you. Yeah. You do?

Starting point is 01:06:23 Can I ask you a question? Me specifically or? Yeah. Okay, okay go ahead my friend said she met you and she said that I'm friends with Dax and you said he's up stop stop stop stop stop stop stop don't I know what you're gonna say. And I know this is a true story. I know this is a true story. Hold on. Yes it is. Your friend's lying, okay? No. Yeah, yeah. And I did it in a funny way.

Starting point is 01:06:50 You know how funny I am, right? I do things in a comedic way, right? Do I not? You do. Everything I say is like, with a hint of comedy, right? Say what she said. No, I do what? Let him say it. What did she say?

Starting point is 01:07:04 She said, Bobby said said that guy smells weird. Did you say Dak smells weird? One of our brothers? Yeah, smells weird. I didn't ask about the body language. How do you feel about that, bud? Do you think Dak smells weird? Is that how you perceive him?

Starting point is 01:07:23 Dude. He's our friend. Can we work out the conversation here, okay? Yeah. Oh I'm friends with that. Yeah he smells weird. What do you mean? I was kidding. That's not funny. I know. Maybe it wasn't. My bad. He doesn't feel it smell weird. That's why I could say it. But that's really mean I think. Yeah. Can you call him and tell him you said that? Your friend, right? She has another thing coming now. Okay, right? And I said it in a comedic way,

Starting point is 01:07:47 but when you started talking, I knew exactly what you were talking about. Because when I said it, and this is what a great friend she is, she was so mad on your behalf. She was pissed. Oh my God, yeah. Will you call her right now?

Starting point is 01:08:00 She's like, what? She goes, what the fuck do you mean? Great. And I go, I'm just kidding. Will you call her right now? Yeah's like, what? She goes, what the fuck do you mean? Great. And I go, I'm just kidding. Will you call her right now? Yeah. Is that what you showered today? Before.

Starting point is 01:08:10 Yeah. Can I text her and ask her if it's okay? Yeah, text her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, text her. Cause I want, cause Bobby's willing to apologize. Because let me say something about my best friend, Bobby Lee. He will, he will make up for his mistakes. Always.

Starting point is 01:08:24 Am I right? Am I right? I hate being embarrassed. Bobby Lee, he will make up for his mistakes, always. Am I right? Am I right? I hate being embarrassed. You make good. You always make good, you always have. He's done everyone right in this room. Also, can I just say another thing?

Starting point is 01:08:34 I'm proud of you, Dax, because it's something it's not, it's something that you wouldn't say. Right. Right? I feel like you're like, I wanna, right? That you would hold things within yourself cause you're kind of shy and you were very confrontational there. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:50 Yeah, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable by confronting you. I asked her if, I told her, I said, can I call you? I want to ask you about the smell thing on Bad Friends. And what'd she say? Nothing yet? She hasn't replied. I turned it off of silent mode so that-

Starting point is 01:09:03 Okay. I can't believe that. I believe every second of it. No, I cannot believe it. I honestly do, I didn't say it to be offensive, it was just like a funny thing. We know it was a joke. I know, but it's like, but she was being a good friend to you.

Starting point is 01:09:19 What did she say? She said, no he doesn't, what the fuck do you mean by that? I was like, oh, it's just. Just kidding. Just kidding. Yeah. And she was like, no, it sounded real. And I'm like.

Starting point is 01:09:32 How did you meet this person at the store? I don't remember, I know that she was. I think at the improv. At the improv is what happened, yeah, she performed. Oh, she's a comic. Yeah, she's a comic. Oh, new to comedy. She's new to comedy.

Starting point is 01:09:44 Well, new to stand up comedy. Stand. Yes, she comic. Oh, I don't to comedy. She's new to comedy Well new to stand up stand-up comedy and so um Now when she said it to you was she saying it like be careful of that guy. He's an asshole. No Okay, what is how did she say it? She just told me that story. Oh My god, I'm embarrassed was just the girl with it that we talked about the other night. No Some complete I'd never seen her before, she seemed super nice, you know what I mean? She was a little nervous about comedy because she even said that, I think she's like,

Starting point is 01:10:12 I'm not, I'm new to this. Right. You'll be fine or something, you know what I mean? And then she goes, I'm friends with Dax, and I go, oh yeah, he smells weird. And she goes, what the fuck? A different girl? No, same girl.

Starting point is 01:10:22 I would not say that again. One and done. You know, you just asked to pardon yourself it's same girl. I would not say that again. One and done. You know, I'm so sorry. Gax, can I say something? Thank you. I apologize. I accept. No, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:10:33 Really listen, okay? Well, I don't have a sense of smell. So I take showers whenever I'm gonna be around people because I can't tell anymore since I lost my sense of smell a couple years ago. From COVID? So you can't smell at all? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:50 Seriously? Yeah. Nothing. Nothing. Oh my God. Now do you feel bad? I'm gonna tell you something right now. That's not true.

Starting point is 01:11:01 You don't smell bad. You don't. Okay. You've never smelled bad. I've never even smelled you. When would I have the opportunity to? Well, he's don't smell bad. You don't. Okay. You've never smelled bad. I've never even smelled you. When would I have the opportunity to? Well, he's here all the time. You don't hug.

Starting point is 01:11:09 That's what I said. I said, I'm usually sitting like seven. Yeah, and when you live, we're never, we don't cross paths. You know, so I wanna say something, okay? I said it as a joke to, no, I wanna say something to you, okay? I honestly, I love you so much.

Starting point is 01:11:29 And it's a blessing that you get to do our show. I mean, that we have you on our show. Came out weird, yeah. Yeah, I do feel. No, no, no, that's not what I meant. What I'm saying, it's a blessing that you do our show. We think you're an asset. You make our show so much more interesting and fun.

Starting point is 01:11:44 I agree. You're so important to us. I show so much more interesting and fun. I agree. You're so important to us. I would never do anything to burn this bridge. I really think that you're a sweet guy. You're a funny guy. I think you're brave when you did that show with us at the Comedy Store in the main room. In the main room.

Starting point is 01:11:59 You know how difficult that was? You crushed it. Thank you. You know what I mean? I only see you as an ally and a brother. And I said it, you know what I mean? I only see you as an ally and a brother. And I said it, I was trying to act cool because she was hot, your friend. His friend is beautiful, right?

Starting point is 01:12:12 So I'm sorry. Thank you. But you know what? Bucky occasionally will use comedy to deflect when he's uncomfortable. So maybe her beauty blew him away. Would you want me to say anything to her? Yeah, I'm sorry that she had to hear that.

Starting point is 01:12:25 Okay. Okay. No, that's not, no. What? You want us, it was a joke. Tell her, clearly he's kidding. No, I apologize. Okay.

Starting point is 01:12:33 All right, let's squash it. Squash the beef. I wasn't, yeah, I didn't feel offended. Good, thank you, Dax. Have you ever been offended by us on this show? No. Good. We love you.

Starting point is 01:12:46 So anyway, look in the camera. Thank you for being a bad friend. The best. Woo, yeah! Woo, yeah!

Bad Friends - Sick In Japan

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