Bad Friends - Star Trek Dating Advice

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

Tour Tickets: https://badfriendspod.com Thank you to our Sponsors: BespokePost, Viator, ZocDoc and Morgan & Morgan • GET 20% off 1st box of awesome at https://www.bespokepost.com code: BADFRIENDS �� Head to https://www.viator.com to check out their latest website! Offering over 300K+ experiences you’ll remember and use code: viator10 • Find and book top rated doctors at https://www.zocdoc.com/badfriends • Find more about Morgan & Morgan at https://www.forthepeople.com/badfriends or #529 - from your cell  YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube 0:00 What's Bobby's Mood Today? 3:05 Juicy Questions Bobby's Dating Style 12:42 Fancy's FOMO for missing the tour 24:25 Bobby is on a Bill Burr Film 29:57 Bobby's New Black Parents 38:38 Carlos Sneaks an Escort in to His Hotel 47:07 Who Got the Entire Crew of Titanic High on PCP? 57:28 Bobby Poo'd on the Bus More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Fancy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Bad Friends fans! Baby, we're coming down to Florida! Orlando, Jacksonville! Orlando, Jacksonville, St. Petersburg, Hollywood. We are coming to see you. And then we come back to the West Coast and we do two shows on Riverside, and then one in San Diego before we head back to the East Coast. But come out and see us in Florida.

Check us out! Jacksonville, St. Petersburg, Hollywood, and Orlando. Come see us. Go to BadFriendsPod.com. BadFriendsPod.com! You two are bad friends! Who are these two idiots? Why, dude? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something.

We're bad friends. We want to give a shout out to so many different people. Look at the Stardew Valley. There's a Stardew Valley marriage pendant. I'm going to give it to somebody one day. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. No, no, no, not you, no. Why? Why won't you marry me?

You have no pospos. Yes, I do. Yeah, but in the game, don't you marry guys? You marry men in the game. I've only married one guy. What? What's his name? Elliot. What's up? What's up, Ellie? What's up, Ellie, bro?

And then show the Stardew Star that you got from somebody. What does that mean? Someone said that's important, too. This is a Stardrop. Oh, Stardrop, yeah. And it enhances your energy. And the young lady that gave it to you said it does what? You don't remember.

This is my favorite part of testing him about the gifts. What did she say? It does what? Something special? I just told you. No, it does something practical in the real world. Oh, it's a water weight? Nope. Oh, it's a water weight. Paperweight.

Paperweight. It changes color. It's a mood. It's a mood. It's got that mood ring thing inside of it. Where? So when you hold it with your hands, it'll change color. Like this?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's right. Let's see what kind of mood you're in. And then we'll know. Oh, gray. You're gray forever. Yeah, I'm gray forever. And then we got these from a soldier, which I want to say thank you to.

He gave us these pens. Semper fi. So disrespectful. Well, that semper fi is a thing. That's good, right? Yeah, but you don't know that this kid was in the army. Yeah. Flower power.

The army is the guy that puts the flower in the fucking muscle. Hell yeah. Yeah. And I don't do that. I poop who in there. But my point is, is this thank you for having me and good to be back. It's good to be back here in the studio. Another thing is also shout out to all the Navajos shout out to all the natives that showed up,

but mostly Navajos. The best Navajo. We signed more Navajo. No, they did say Navajo. They said they were like the Japanese. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

The natives. They said Navajo is top. We had more Navajoians come out. So shout out to my Navajos. Yeah. That came out. Which ones are the one from the last of the Mohicans? They're my favorite kind.

I have no idea. The ones with the white and the scalp. They all do that? I think it's a universal thing. Oh, I think it's scalping like a universal thing that native people do. Yeah. How about dancing? To.

Okay. Who's the best? They don't dance? Is it the darker the native American, the better dancer they are? Probably. Yeah. They go to the lighter skin natives. Are they just shitty dancers?

Yeah. And they found turntables with the darker ones. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Rainmaker. Welcome back guys. Rainmaker. Oh, another thing is I was, before I forgot. We were on the road. Juice. Do not make fun of my dating style. And the way I converse with, you know what I mean?

The ladies. Okay. The tea shop. I know your reference. Yeah. The tea shop. Go ahead and say it. Yeah.

Don't mock me when I'm doing my style. Where was the tea shop in? In. It was in Spokane, Washington. Spokane, Washington. I went there with Justin. Beautiful girl. Yeah.

It looked just like Kolyla. Can I say that? Oh my God. Oh no. She did look identical. Yeah. No. He has a type.

I would type. Yeah. You mean? Identical. Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. Yeah.

You do. Mixed in with a little Andrew. You know what I mean? Yeah. Me and Andrew. So wait a minute. You went to go have some tea with Malila. What happened?

They're hitting it off. Fireworks. No. I'm not hitting it off. I thought so. There was some chemistry. She's what I liked about her too. She's hot, but then she's also good at like breaking the ice.

Yeah. So she started the conversation. So I'm like, oh, hello, baby. What did she say? Hello. Oh, that's hot. Dude, when they say, when they say hello. Oh, my God.

That gets my engine running. Yeah. Yeah. When she said hello, you could hear this. That's two squirts of foam. A little squirty, squirty? Yeah. And I heard it back from her too.

I felt being honest. Oh, really? Yeah. They're going back and forth and then out of nowhere, Bobby like, they're really hitting it off. Just in need. Conferences to go ahead. And he goes, the thing I like about Star Trek is how much dilithium crystals there are.

And I'm like, dude. And you can, and you can hear her go. She literally left. She walked away from the conversation. Yeah. All the way. Real dry and tight. That noise.

And then like Jeffery's tubes and you're looking at me like, like you're trying to shake your head. Stop. Stop. But I didn't stop. Did she ever say that she likes Star Trek? No. Well, why?

Because I was segue into that. All right. We're on a date. You and I are on a date. Yeah. Hi. Thanks for coming to have tea with me and Spokane. It's rainy.

Let me guess. I'm from Lila. I mean. Hello. Hi. You're half gook. Hi. Can you say half gook?

Sure. Yeah. You're half, you know. I'm goo. You're goo. Yeah. Anyway, what's up? You good?

Beautiful tea. Yeah. Thanks. Oh, I know why. I know why. Okay. I know why. Yeah.

You fucked up this whole date already. I already know how it started. Now in the conversation, I know why I brought it up. Go ahead. Can I have Earl Grey? Earl Grey. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Jean-Luc Picard. She likes Earl Grey. Yeah. Is that a friend of yours? No. That's Star Trek Next Generation. One of my favorite shows. And then...

Okay. $4.95, please. I know. But the Dilithian Crystals run. You go put in the warp engine. Here it is. Take off. Thank you.

Bye. We're closed. Really? Yeah. So that's how it started. That's how it ended, too. I know. Well, yeah.

She was stocking items in dry storage. What? She had a cart and left. Yeah. But you know what? How did you fuck that up? Because apparently, she liked. She was into you.

I think I fuck everything up. You don't fuck everything up. Well, in terms of the right now, I don't know how to do the ladies. Well, then let's take a break. Let's take a break. Let's coach you through how to do the ladies. I don't want it, I think. Oh, okay.

Because this guy right here... No, don't shake your head, man. Casanova, dude. Ooh, Casanova. Casanova. Casanova. Casanova. Casanova, bro.

What did I do? You know, there's a song. Every city we go to, he's got a new lady. Yeah. I see him in the mornings. He walks downstairs on the elevator or whatever with a new lady around his arms. And I'm always with my backpack and my... Starting valley.

Starting valley. I got to play you a song. We're probably going to have to take it out because of, you know, but this is literally his entire life. Look at this. Tell me this isn't him. This is an old song. Got Senorita waiting for me down in old Mexico.

Oh. By the way, this song gets more and more racist as you listen to it. He literally is like, got a little ching-chong. Yeah. He really does. I swear to God. Wow. He goes ham.

Ricky Nelson goes hard and that. But he's got girls in every city and every place he goes and now your name is Ricky Nelson. Okay. Ricky, Ricky. That's Ricky. Ricky, Ricky. Ricky, Ricky. Ricky, Ricky.

He has a... I don't know. I don't know. I didn't really... And he says she keeps you warm in her igloo. That's what he's saying. Oh, she... Right.

So he goes all of them. He said... How about Mongolians? He says, I leave her coated in glue while she kept me warm in her igloo. Whoa. I didn't hear that part. Yeah. That was in there.

So he's... He'll go ask him. Ricky, Ricky goes everywhere, baby. Yeah. Ricky, Ricky doesn't discern. But anyway, and you know how like in cartoons, the eyes, if there's someone's dead, they put X's. Yeah.

They're fucking fingers looking at me. At you, like... Middle fingers? Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah. No way. Every time you do it, you say, fuck you to your boss.

That's right. I want to... I want to what? I want to know... I want to hold your hand. I want... What? What happened with those girls in Seattle or in Portland?

You had like four girls with you. Oh, yeah. And you left with all four and then I asked what happened and you were like, oh, nothing. I'm back in the room. But you had like a lot of girls with you. Five. I was actually up on the fire escape and I saw you burning around on your scooter around town.

Alone? Alone. No, he wasn't alone. He took them to the enterprise. Well, one time... One time. Jesus. In Phoenix, I almost crashed my fucking scooter because of you.

Because of me? Oh, because... I was scooting around and it was hurt in the car. In the car and I saw a wild Bobby, so I waved to him. When you see a wild Bobby, just look at that. You got to take a photo. I'm looking at Bigfoot. It's really exciting.

I was with my cousin to get a burrito at two in the morning that last night in Phoenix. And we went down to South Phoenix and she knows. Filiberto? Not as so good. Yeah, we went to Filiberto. But honestly, dude, he was like, where is this? I was like, it's not bad. It's down the road.

We got halfway down the street and it was like six cop cars, people screaming at us. I know why you went to Filiberto's because when you went to school there, that was good. And then now, as an adult, because you have money and you've been eating good Mexican food, it was terrible. It's terrible. Yeah. I'm the same because we had one in Poway called Albertos. Yeah, Albertos.

And I drove from LA all the way to Poway, two and a half hours just to eat it. Not worth it. And I had a stomach ache. I'm not joking when I say this. This isn't like for the sake of the show. That night, woke up at 4.30, had to go to the bathroom, woke up to catch my flight, went to the bathroom in the hotel, went to the bathroom at the airport, went to the bathroom on the plane, got home, went to the bathroom.

And I genuinely called by cousin Luke and I was like, are you OK? He's like, absolutely not. He's like, dude, I'm in so much pain. Yeah, what did you eat? A California burrito. Of course. It's my favorite, dude. French fries, avocado, cheese, sour cream, carne asada, I think what they gave you.

Yeah. And you pour that salsa. They make homemade salsa down there. But I got to tell you, that carne asada was something off the side of the road. Right. I do it. It was roadkill. I was rumbly, bumbly in the tumbly.

Even as we were on the scooter, every bump, I was like, whoa, whoa, oh boy. Yeah. That's a bad idea, I feel like. Yeah, I like the taquitos from our Albertals. Oh, yeah. So good. And the guacamole. Yeah.

But what I realized is that because that was the first time I ever had guacamole. What? What do you mean? Back in, you know, when I lived, when I was in high school. The first time was at Alberto's. At Alberto's. So I go, this is authentic. Right.

And it's mixed with 80 percent sour cream. Yeah. It's all sour cream. Yeah. Yeah. It's white, right? But you think this is like from, I'm in Juarez right now. Right.

Authentic, right? And then years later, you have real guacamole and then you eat that shit and just fuck your body up. There's a, by the way, my favorite place in San Diego used to be next to the comedy store. It was a tiny little fish market called Pescadero or something like that. Pescadero, Pescadero. Yeah.

And man. Fish, fish. And I miss it so much. That was so good. I used to go there all the time. Now they're too fancy for me. But we had, I will say this, we had so much fun on the road so far, we have so much more to do.

That was a great lead. Mm-hmm. Has been, give him some credit, has been working so hard. Thank you. I'm serious. I made him move a couch five times. Yeah, I saw that. I made him move a couch from one green room to the other and I go put it back in the other

green room. He put it back in the other room. I remember I was there. Put it on the stage. And I want to say this too. I never thought you would work ethic. Me either. Until, thank you.

Until the tour. I got this lazy, uppity, yeah, bean bean. Yeah. We all talk about it. He's worthless. That's in my head for the 20-year output. You thought he was refried. Now he's pinto.

Oh, you're black bean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're black bean for sure. Because then you eat nice. Yeah. You always get, I'll have a salmon salad. He always has salad. Yeah, but in real time, you get mad at me for that. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, because it's weird. Yeah, it is weird. But I want to be. We're all getting steak and you're like, I'll just take a salmon salad. That's insanely inappropriate. So Ricky, Ricky black bean, you're off to a hot start. The next half of the tour is going to be wonderful. Hell yeah.

We hate to tell the fans at home who need to know the tour got broken up a little bit. Our videographer, McCone, got fired on this tour. He will no longer be with us. He's learning about it right now in studio. You're fired. Yeah, you're fired. Yeah. And you're laughing, but ha ha, you're going to ha ha your way on an unemployment line.

Idiot. Oh, so you texted me the other day like, hey, if you need any help with Tiger Bell, what the fuck kind of help do I need? This fucking guy is trying to be proactive. I fucking hate it. It's so cute. Yeah, yeah, I know. I didn't even respond.

It's so cute. We are going to hire him full time. We need him for something. I have formal from this, seeing you guys having so much fun on the road. You know, a lot of fans are asking about you. I thought you would need me, but now we don't need you at all. No, it turns out we don't need you at all. In fact, I get that you're being, you're missed on the show.

Some people have been asking about you, but the reception they give Carlos is in place of you. Right. Yeah. You know, he embodies you. Carlos is soaking up all that energy. All that love. I know.

I have a sentiment. Go ahead. What'd you say? I did flip off everyone in Phoenix. All 4,000 people. Yeah. What was your attitude in Phoenix about it? I didn't know that you told them to boo me.

I didn't tell them. I did. She did. Oh, Jesse did. Yeah. So then you got all mad about it. In front of Bobby's mom, by the way, people, people got to meet Bobby's mom in Phoenix. She left the size.

She would. But do you know why? Because of that? No. Why? Because I could tell my mom once my mom walked on stage, it just dawned on her that she doesn't want to be up there. Right.

I saw her. You know what I mean, and she was like, I have to get the fuck out of here. You know what I mean? What is she? She's still a Filipino. She's still a Filipino. She switched. Yeah.

She just like, and then she disappeared, but she went downstairs on her iPad. You and your mom are so cute before the show. They're on the opposite ends of the couch buried in their iPad and you and your switch. Yeah. Both of their devices. She was shopping for dresses. Was she really? What are you looking for?

She goes, new dress. Yeah. She said to me, new dress. In Stardew Valley, he was searching for dresses on there. But when I saw my mom doing that, I realized what it is and what we have the same problem. What is it? We just don't want to be in the moment. Yeah.

You don't want to live it. Why is that? Because you know, you know, generational trauma. No, I really do believe it. I know. I told you about her aunt. Right. What happened?

Yeah. And she never dealt with that. My dad's abuse. So she, she doesn't do drugs, but she escapes through being obsessed with BTS or buying new dresses or what you love him. She loves watching videos. She loves. I saw her watch a bunch of different videos and then just being, you know, just not thinking

about the moment. Escapism. Escapism. Yeah. So what is it? What does your mom do day to day? Do you even know? She just watches Korean dramas and Google's BTS and probably just plays with her like

badge. Oh my God. Watching BTS. I was hoping you'd say it was with her dog or something. No, no, no. She doesn't have a dog. Not anymore. Yeah.

But she, she probably does that. I mean, it's so funny. You were going to hang an extra day. I stayed an extra day. You were supposed to stay an extra day and you didn't. I couldn't. You didn't want to hang with her? No.

It was Mother's Day. I had a movie to do. It was Mother's Day. I know, but. It was literally Mother's Day and you left. I know, but I shot Monday early five in the morning. I know, but Sunday was literally Mother's Day and you didn't even stay to hang with her on Mother's Day.

She doesn't even know it's Mother's Day. I said happy Mother's Day to my mom and she goes, good night. She doesn't care. She didn't care about Christmas. She didn't care about my birthday. She didn't care about. That's why you don't care about any of those. Yeah, I don't care.

She didn't care. I don't care. Wanting to flip the script and you start caring. You can't care if it's like, it's like somebody just texted me today. Are you watching the Hurricanes game? I go, you're in a hurricane. I don't know what the fuck is going on. Why would someone ask you if you're watching a hockey game?

That's one by point. I don't know. You don't like hockey. I don't, I don't like it. I'm interested in what I'm interested in. How do you get involved in a holiday when you don't care? You don't have to. I guess.

Yeah. No, it's true. I never know what anything is. Well, do you know when Halloween is? Seriously. Yeah. October 25th. Yep.

Is it? I don't know. 31st. Well, it starts on the 25th. Is it 31st? Yeah. Is it? Yeah.

It's whatever. I can tell. I can tell because you could see the Mexicans and stuff. You're a forest cop. I mean, everybody dresses real funny. Yeah. But it's bad when you, when you're in a relationship and you don't know birthdays or, write them down on your phone.

Holidays or anniversaries, it's always a fight. All right. We'll check this out. We have two birthdays coming up, back to back. Happy birthday, McCone. McCone and Juicy. Yeah. Juicy, I mean.

I think my birthday is a travel day. Yeah. You know what the let down is? These kids think they're going to go to Disneyland in Orlando and it's not going to happen. I don't think we are. Yeah. We're not going to do it. Yeah.

It's just, it's a travel day to get back to LA for the Riverside and San Diego shows and they would go, you guys can go. I'm not going. I'm not going. After Dollywood, you know, whatever. I don't believe in, I don't believe in Disneyland or world without kids. I think you look creepy. I don't want to go.

Dolly World is a roller coaster park, different. Disneyland is for children, not grown, and grown-ups that go alone, I'm sure we have Disney fans. I don't get it. It's a little scary to me. That is for the joy to enjoy. He can take his kid there, right? But if he goes alone, imagine, look at him, fancy.

If you see him strolling around the Magic Kingdom, first thing you think. I know. Well, look at him. He's the type of guy that would wait in line three times for, it's a small world. Get off, get back in line and do it three fucking times. I want to go on the teacups. We can't go on the teacups. It's a small world, by the way, is a bullshit ride.

I'll tell you why. It's supposed to be representing the world, right? So you see Eskimos up there, there's eight of them, right? Then you see Denmark or the Netherlands, right? There's like 20. But then when you go to China, there's seven. Well, they could. What, do we want a billion?

No, but I'm just saying, make it 40. And then I realized what. You sound like you're working for the Chinese government. And I'll tell you what. I realized when I was, last time I realized what it was, they were in the water because of the earthquake. They're down there doing this in the water. Because it's the only explanation.

It's like I want it to be reflective of the population. My favorite was the Pirates of the Caribbean ride because they are perverse. They're like, ah, nice boobs, young lady. They are creepy. Have you ever heard some of those? No. They literally say creepy stuff. Yeah, they do.

They go, great cans, my lady. They say stuff. They used to say stuff like that when we were kids. Really? They would say, lick my port side. That's not, that's not that blue. Now kids don't know. Kids don't know the difference.

But you guys can go. If you want to go, if you want to go, you can go. But I'm telling you, I'm not going to go. I hate it. Do you really want to go for your birthday? No, I'll sit on the plane for my birthday. We'll buy you tickets. We'll buy you guys tickets.

I'll get your fast pass. But we're not going. We're not going. I love you guys so much. I'm glad I'm working for you guys. There's so many people I could have ended up working with and I think about it every day. You're saying it like you have a gun to your head.

Yeah. I love it. Say it real. Say it real. Say it real. Say it real. Now. Man, I love you guys so much.

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I just want to open a box of awesome live on the show because I just got this box of awesome by the way. Yeah. And what do we got in here? A loomy light bulb with a free with flicker free sleep. Incredible. This is the coolest thing about getting this. You got gravity razors.

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Your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you. They release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. Yeah. And the best part is it's not just for you. Look, I think you should get yourself a gift. I think you should pride yourself and give yourself love. But also give it for a friend. If you don't know what to get somebody, get a friend a box of awesome.

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on wherever you're going, download the Viator app. Now use the code Viator 10 for 10% off your first booking. One app over 300,000 experiences. You'll remember. Do more. With Viator. Can I just say this McCown, right scum? No more caviar for you.

Dude, first of all, okay, time out. Have we talked about caviar yet? No. And you gave this, you gave him caviar. I know. No, let me say something. I just not deserve caviar. I ordered it for myself.

Did I not say all how the caviar? Yes, he did. I put my finger up right and I had my nose up to the sky. Why did you give him some? And then this guy was like, you know, I never had it before. And I go, what? You've never had caviar? I don't know.

No, I've had french fries. Well, maybe one day you'll get it. That's what I would have said. And I'm like, and then guess what he made me do? Three times. I made it for you. Oh, he made you put it on the little thing. I picked up the bread.

I put the fucking crumb fries. He did it on purpose because he wanted control over the caviar amount. I can't stand this. I can't stand you right now. You just didn't just fucking round me up. What the fuck do you say? Say it again. But you know it's true.

That's true. You didn't want him getting a big old scoop of it because he doesn't know how much to put on. You get three eggs. And he's not going to appreciate it anyway. If he gets too much caviar, he's just going to be like, this is OK. And you know, he did one of these because he wants to be sophisticated, but he ate it and he did one of these.

He went, you didn't erode it. Yeah. You don't like it, bitch. That's good caviar. Yeah. You don't like it. You don't like it. You didn't like it.

He wants to be sophisticated. That was another thing you ate earlier. What? There's another thing you fucking did. You idiot. More on. I love you though. But he gets wine, right?

In a movie or I don't know who taught him this, but to stir it, right? Oh, he swirled it? He's not swirled it one time for 20 minutes the whole time. Idiot. He was just sitting there eating the caviar, just swirling this wine. And I'm like, I think you just swirled it a couple of times. I'm not a wine drinker. By the way, cut to when we fire him and he's living on the streets and we see just a crazy

kid under a bridge just swirling nothing, just his hand like this in the air swirling nothing. His own piss. Yeah. His own piss. It's insane. Last night, I did a rap till three in the morning. Yeah, you're shooting a Bill Burr movie.

Congratulations, Bobby shooting a movie. That's huge. Anyway. Written and directed by the legend Bill Burr. What more do you want? You look badass too. Yeah, the pictures were. Yeah, it was cool.

But I just to be out. But we're out in New Orleans where, you know, you know, in the dark night, the original I think the first movie Batman Begins, you know, that whole ship yard can container kind of. Were you in like San Pedro or something? Yeah. Yeah. And we're like a ship.

It was like that this moody smokelight and guns. That's so cool. It was so cool. And Bill's like, do it again. You know what I mean? Do it again. Yeah. And he was so like as a director, I mean, because you know, when you're being directed

by a guy like that you look up to and you know what I mean? It's intimidating. It's not. No, not because he's my friend, but there is a weird thing where it's like, you know, when he's giving you notes, you're like, you know, I got to do it right. You don't want to fuck it up. If it's some guy TV director, I was like, I'll try my best, but you know what I mean? But with him, I don't want to fuck up.

There was a certain kind of pressure, but it was cool that he was like so cool. What's the name of the film? I can't tell. I'll talk about it. I mean, I don't even want to talk about it. Well, we can talk about you're shooting a movie with Bill. That's fine. It's fine this time, dude.

This guy. Yeah. Why don't you go back to your baby? This guy's attitude. Bobby is doing. No, no, no. I don't even know what he means here. Let's let me tell you something.

You fancy fuck. All right. Don't ever talk to me like that again. That's right. Number one. All right. I've been nice to you. Too nice.

Right. Number two. You that was uncalled for. Yeah. All right. And also in what circumstance did I not know my lines? Master movie. Exactly.

But can I say this? All right. Yeah. I did my normal. I don't know my line. And also it wasn't that I didn't know my lines. It was that particular movie first day. It's me and the director.

We have a history and there was a give and take and it was just an it was not it had nothing to do with the lines. Yeah. No, no, no. Sorry. I apologize. Shut the fuck up. All right.

Fuck you, dude. And then, you know, you know, I was so proud of you when you had the fucking baby and shit. Calling you congratulations. Fuck yourself, man. Right on. Okay. Sitting stewing it, dude.

You throw a joke out there. How dare you do. You're going to get shot at in the school. Oh my God. What? Disrespectful, too. Carlos knows what he does. He's micro dosing right now.

By the way. That's why I know he's being so quiet. We got we got we got some gifts. Oh, yeah. And he's taken. He's micro dosing for sure. I haven't taken any of your gifts. But you didn't take any of the micro dose.

Do you take you ate any of the chocolates? You ate some of the chocolate. Chocolate already. How did you like them? It's been good. Cookies by Carol. Yeah. I've been eating more than the micro dose, though.

Well, you're eating yet to get high. Yeah, exactly. Can I tell you what I was going to do when the cookies came? I was going to pretend that I didn't know what cookie I ate. Oh, and oh, that's horrible. Well, we made sure because I know, but that was dangerous. That it was near you. Yeah.

I was like, how do I sneak in? No, pretend. You don't even like mushrooms. You said you never like mushrooms. I love shiitake mushrooms and portobello. Not psychedelic. I know. But I like mushrooms in general.

Yeah, me too, but you don't like psychedelic. I do. I just, yeah. It's just you don't need that. But I mean, if there was a split second, my alcoholism was like, here's a window, but I didn't do it. Well, you know what makes it hard to not have alcohol? And I'm trying to temper myself on the road, but McCone, every single day, can we get more

beer? Yeah. Do you think we get more beer for the bus? No. I've polished off two of my whiskey bottles, two of my whiskey bottles. And then I gave the stage hands. I said, you guys, there's beer and booze in that fridge. Have at it.

What do I see? He's taken one home. He took one home. And how do I know he took one home? Because I went in his hotel room because the idiot lost his air pods and goes, I think I love my air pods. Yeah, we'll get to it. And then I went in his room, by the way, I went in his room with door wide open, door

was open, latched open, no air pod, whiskey bottle drank this much and then left the whole thing. So it could have been a gift for somebody else. They ruined it. And then on top of that, the idiot finds his air pods after Bobby bought him brand new air pods. This is a, I just thought, I thought about that for the last couple of days, right? And I believe this is true.

I believe he always, he always had his air pods. He wanted new ones. That is very interesting. And because when I gave him the new, so McCungo's, I lost my air pods and he was like panicking about it. So, you know, me being Bobby Lee and being the nicest guy in the world, I thought, I'm going to get new ones. So we, you know, I had a runner go buy them.

Right. And so, you know, they said, I got them. So when I handed them, I don't know if you were like grateful or your smile on your face was like, I got this guy. Now, did you go from, you can't really hear you. So we'll repeat it. Did you have regular air pods or air pod pros? Okay.

So what about you? Air pod pros. So here's what's annoying. This idiot lost gen one air pods and we bought him $400 or 500, I don't know how much they are. They're like $2.75. Okay. That's $2.75 too much.

Yeah. We should have got him the wire. The best kind. No. We should have got him the wired. He deserves wired headphones. Yeah. And then so was it a trick?

Because I'm not falling for it again. If you say I lost my iPad, I'm not going to fucking buy you anything. Yeah. If you come to us and you're like, I lost my mom and dad. Yeah. I'm not going to go to fucking China. We're not finding you new parents and get it cheap. Yeah.

Can you find parents? You can find kids. Can you buy parents? You can buy parents. Yeah. There's some countries that you can. I would love to buy. Adopt some parents.

Well, what kind of parents should we adopt? Shit, man. I would probably get the kind that was like, I'll probably go black. You go black. Nigeria or something. Nice. Yeah. I think.

What age range are we talking? My parents. Yeah. How the parents are going to adopt? I want to run for a while. So about 25, 26. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. These are my parents. These are my parents. Imagine these tall, skinny, young black people as my parents. As your parents. As my parents would be cool. Nobody would question it. This is Untuku and Maya.

And Maya. Yeah. Yeah. Nice to meet you guys. How long have you guys? You guys are who to Bobby? They're my parents. What do you mean?

Maya, Untuku, hold on. My mom and dad, I mean. Right? These are my parents. I'll speak on their behalf. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah.

So these are my parents. I adopted them. Yeah. I'd love to get my, buy my own parents. Buy cousins. Buying a family would be actually awesome. If you could buy a family online to start over again. Let's say you're somebody who never had any connective tissue to your real parents.

You never knew them or they died or you're adopted. Why can't you buy, buy into a family? Let's start a business like a website. We'll sell families. Yeah. We'll even do like the cheaper ones or like second cousins. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We'll be $10 for a second cousin. Yeah. But like if you want a real good. You want a sister? Yeah.

And then that's the ugly one. Yeah. Yeah. That's the low end sister. Well, how long are there contracts? How long do these siblings last? Forever. Oh, you get them for life.

Unless they die. I think it's a yearly subscription. Yeah. Oh, she never thought of it that way. This is the business. You buy into the family. Yeah. I never.

Right. So like if you, you know, don't pay your yearly subscription, they just leave. Yeah. They just take off to a new family. That's cool. And they have suitcases and you're like, where are you guys going? Like, you didn't pay. Yeah.

We should do a family subscription service where if you're out there and you're lonely, you want a family. Yeah. You never had brothers, sisters or cousins or uncles and aunts. You can buy them from us, from bad friends, family, BFF, your BFF for life. What's a big brother? Tell me what a big brother is. A big brother is someone who, I was going to do that program.

A big brother is when you, usually it's underprivileged kids who need guidance, influence. Why don't they, why don't they have big uncles? That's kind of the same thing. No. A big uncle is blacking out of the bar. Yeah. He's a little creepy. He's a little creepy.

Hey, meet me at Hooters. I'll teach you about life. Yeah. That's the big uncle. The big uncle. They should have big everything. They should have big. Big mama.

Well, they do. Oh, who's big? Martin Lawrence shows up. That's big. Big mama. Hey, baby. Hey, Martin. Yeah.

So we should, so on our website, we can, we have big people too. What do you mean? Like big brothers. Oh, I think big people. Yeah. Big people. Big people. Do you get to pick the size?

It's like, it's like, you know, curated. Going to those. What, what are those petty, will you go to get the doll? Build a bear. Build a bear. Yeah. Build a parent. Build a friend.

Build an uncle. By the way, build a brother would be so cool. Well, there's compartments. You go into a store. Now, do you trade in your old one? Like your brother, Steve, do you swap him in for something else? Like it's a lease? That'd be cool.

Would you trade him in? Yeah. Imagine you go to trade him in and they're like, we can get almost nothing for this. This thing is used. Anything? I'm sorry, man. This is, this one's pretty damaged. Yeah, but you could sell them for parts.

You can see the nicks all over this thing. This thing is maybe $5 off your next brother. Max. Or if you could bring your brother to the store and go, um, I want to just change one thing. I would change the breath. You'd swap the breath. That's what the breath out. Now, is this a shot at someone in the studio?

No, my brother, Steve. Okay. Hey, hey, hey. Put the gun down. Put the gun down. Put the gun down. Put the gun down. Okay.

So Carlos. If we swapped out of Carlos. Let's swap a Carlos. What would I do? I would go, um, I would go to the hair part. Yeah. Hair department. Yeah.

Yeah. And get like a nice little, fill that in. A little tough. Right. Um, upgrade. We'll just, you know what? He just needs an upgrade. Do you have a software update that we need to run you through?

Just a little taller and more hair. That's it. I think you're perfect just the way you are. And I mean that. Thanks, Aaron. By the way, when, when Bert Kreischer takes off his shirt on stage, people lose their mind. When he takes off his hat, they go fucking crazy. Apeship.

It's amazing. Yeah. Taking anything off is Apeship. Well, and you know what? And I promised you. What? And I promised you no more swapping shirts. We know that.

That lasts like no one. No, I know, but because I, Somebody did say it. She did. And, and she said, please going to have your shirt. And then you, and I said, Immediately I said what I said. She said, I'm not doing that anymore.

Yeah. That's what you said. Yeah. And I said, he's not doing it. And then she said, can you make Andrew give me his shirt? And you go, he actually really likes that shirt. Because I really loved that shirt. Yeah.

Because that's not what you did for me at the last year. Yeah. We switched. Do we switch? We're back to square one. I know, I know. We're all good. I was letting you know this is how you're supposed to behave

in that situation. I'm being good. I'm coaching you. You're coaching me. I'm making sure your butthole is facing away from the audience every time. That's true. I'm blocking it.

Bobby, you know, we talked about it. We got in trouble. 10 grand shown as butthole in Atlanta. We're not doing anymore. Now the buttholes are always at stage. But even this butthole in Phoenix, I turned around to the side of the stage to see my, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. So I turned around and, you know, man, she's looking at me and I, you're not going to like this. But she had binoculars. She was staring right into it. Just like that.

By the way, we had a couple of great responses from some of the fans. We had one girl when we said, give us, give us one nickname for your vagina or one word that describes it. And the funniest one, one girl said long and I died. So long.

I've been thinking about that. She goes, I'm 5'10". Yeah. Of course it's long. I go, is it a penis? She goes, no, no. It's just super long. But is the lips long?

I think, I think. Oh, the canals long. The lengths is long. I think it's like long. Well, I know. Yeah. I just don't like a drip dripping down like squid legs. You know what I mean?

Like Ren from Ren and Stimpy. You know, like drippy lips. Do you want that? Squid legs? Personally? What? I mean, I'm fine with whatever. I know you.

Yeah, we know you. No, no, no. Carl, I didn't want to say anything to you. That's how you're successful. You have discernible taste. It's not like you, you're actually picky. You don't go after. But literally if there was tentacles coming out like a squid.

With little suction, you would still do it? No, that sounds. Well, dude, tentacle porn is a thing for a reason. All right. Somebody must like that. Somebody must like it. Yeah. You know, somebody must get into that kind of thing.

Yeah. And by the way, I have never had one interaction from my youth where I got naked with a woman and saw and was like, no, I've never done that. I've never gone. Oh, no. Never. So you're going to do it anyway. Have I said?

What do you mean? Oh, if you're both naked and let's say you see that she's just long lips Lenore and she's dragging the floor, you're still going to go through with it. Yeah. But that's like jumping like you're skydiving. You're already jumping out. You can't hold onto the plane. You know, you're already in the air.

You're away from the right. You're like, I'm in it. I'm out. I got to do it. Yeah. I have to finish. Yeah. That's what looking at a vagina is like.

I hear. But on this, but in this case, you don't pull the ripcord. You're going to go through the floor and die. I've done it. I've gotten back in the plane before with escorts. Whoa. Well, so when you get an escort, you don't like the way it is and you say, no, thank you.

I just have so many times where I've seen an escort and I'm like, I shouldn't have done this on people pleasing right now. But like, there's a couple of times he's like, who are you that's coming into play? I know. How are you? No, you can people please because I get there and the girl's not as hot. You saw it and you're like, I'm not paying for this. You paid already.

And then. Yeah. It's like, I feel bad. I'll just do it. Oh, you're doing them a service because I want to fucking leave if she's not as attractive as I thought. Why don't you be a man and go, hey, why don't you take the money for your time? I appreciate you.

I've done that. And then go, I think I'm going to go on my way. I just don't feel comfortable having sex right now. And how grateful they would be. They'd be like, I didn't want to have sex with you either. Okay. I'm not such a bad client. No, no, no.

I'm just saying they probably are tired because I know you get girls that are just rifling through people. You're not getting premium. No, I guess. You're getting some girl that just came from another appointment. There's no chance you're getting a girl that's fresh for the day, you're getting fourth or fifth round. You're not a top round pick.

You're not round one. You're going sixth or seventh round. Yeah. I'm not Drake, of course. Well, that's what I'm saying. So she's tired. She doesn't want to fuck you either. Let her go.

Yeah. But I don't want to have to pay for, I don't want to have to give the money and then be like, I'm out. Oh, it's a money thing. Yeah. I'm not going to leave. Yeah. It's a money thing with you.

Oh, so shallow. No, it's not like a Jewish thing. That's so shallow. You already got them naked. I paid for the meal, we didn't even eat the flat meal, we didn't even eat it, and that's the same thing. It's the same thing. We saw a fly in our chips, and that's like you seeing an escort a fly in the vagina.

Oh, I do have something to tell you guys. And here we go. Oh my God. I'm excited. This is brand new, brand spanking new news. All right. Okay. In Louisville, I didn't tell anyone this, but I did have an escort come to the hotel.

So we can add a girl to that number. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I was waiting to tell you. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We didn't even have a hotel in Louisville. He got a hotel. You got a hotel. No. Wait, what city was it then? See, I'm forgetting. You don't even know what city. Louisville was the fly in the TGF.

I think it was the one. When did we go do the ADR for Magnum? Oh, that was when we went. Charlotte. Charlotte. Yeah. There you go. Oh yeah, Charlotte.

No, no, Durham. Durham. We went from Durham to Raleigh. Yeah. We went to Ratchett. I was like, oh no, they're all going to know. She showed up through the wrong door. Oh my gosh.

And I literally had to be like, cover up. To the Marriott. Yes. I was like, cover up. You know what's insane? Yeah. That night, I went for a ride on the scoot to Duke. You know I went and scooted to Duke.

I remember Duke. Yeah. And when I came back, I saw a little lady of the night. I swear to God. But I didn't think much of it because I felt like that area had a couple of ladies roaming around. Well, this was from the internet. I didn't go on the street.

Uh-huh. But she might have been waiting for her sister to pick her up. She had like really tattered dark hair. Really like tattery, like stringy dark hair. Yeah. You might have seen my girl. Mm-hmm. Did you do it?

Yeah. It was, I mean, LA is obviously the best, but. Bad boy. It was just fun. Let me ask you. What did the lady of the night cost in Durham? I just gave her 300 bucks. What do you mean?

She didn't ask for money? You just told her money? Well, I mean, it's pretty low in Durham. Is it legal? 300? No. It's not legal? No, it's not legal.

Of course not. No, but we leave it. We leave it in the city. We leave it there. No, no, no. We just leave it there. No, I get it. What are you talking about?

No bail. You wouldn't help me? You think we want on our record nailing out? No. No. You're in. No. No, you pay for what you did.

All right. You're right. You're right. My bad. It's a bad boy. You serve your time like a man. You're right. You get out on the other side and you learn a skill.

Find Jesus and you make a coalition place. And I hope you get, like, assaulted and imprisoned. That's right. You know, I know. I was so touched. I would never have expected this. I would never have. I was so touched.

I would never have. I would never have. I could never have. I think that's the biggest thing really quickly. I went to court. Your mom and your dad. I met them. They know I've been done.

No, it's just, I feel so. Your parents are just so normal. And you know what the worst part is? And I met your sister's like, what happened to you? His father shook my hand. Yeah. Yeah. Looked in my eyes and goes thank you so much for taking care of Carlos.

What you've done for him has been. Thank you, Andrew. Instrumental and I said, you know what? Upstairs at the Marriott? You're a bad boy. I shook your father's hand, but that's not a bad thing I gave a woman money for a service and now she doesn't want you doing that. No now she gives back to You know the economy I created a giant crack that girl bought crack Also, can I say this by doing that behavior? You're perpetuating trauma. You are oh my gosh No, you know what you want to fix a feminist argument to this

Okay, let me tell you something. We're pro we're pro sex work. We believe in safety. Yeah, and so let's say that a Safety B B you really want to make up for some of your faults All right for some of the ways you've treated these girls and said go home or whatever. I'm over it I never said that. Okay. I want you to get you know what in the next city We go to I do want you to get somebody and I want you to not have any sort of relations with them Give them money and say I want you to use this to get back on your feet to get Yeah, a thousand dollars that no two thousand two thousand. That's a really high-end 3,000 keep talking and it's gonna go up

No sex though. No touching. Yeah You threw a gun With his Mexican mind with his Mexican mind Mexican X-men dude, that was crazy He was like that I love Zock doc so much. It's so convenient You've been stewing about a health problem. You have you almost resort to texting your group chat to get your friends Opinions, why do you do that? You're extremely unlikely to find quality medical advice in your group chat But you can find it from a doctor on Zock doc. Here's the problem. You get sick. You get a tickle on your throat You're not feeling well

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Is it paid advertisement? And would you ever get a mail escort? Why Let's get you one on the road. You don't have to do anything with them I would love to go to like a Thunderdown under show. Let's take her to one. Let's go. I would love to go You know the problem You and I both got so excited for that we gotta calm that down the fans are like they're gay and we're not but I but we do get Yeah, we are because when she was like done and we both went oh Strip club not interested

You showed me your asshole. It was too long to what how long it was open He got your butthole. I was sitting there held it and for a comedy joke to second It goes like this. It goes one butthole to but I'll close close right. You're right. It was 30. I went one butthole to Counter the freckles nine by the way, you know Orion's belt the If you look at my ass long enough, you can see it. Yeah, you sat down and drew it like Leo and Yeah, it was too long. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You were buzzed. I was a little buzz your buzz So you just did for way too late. I opened up. I opened up a little. Yeah, by the way You just jumped in my mind something else that I saw today. Is it bill Pullman was in titanic bill Pullman? Yeah, bill

Paxton. Yeah, he passed away Yeah, I know he told a story that I saw probably on a podcast online from a clip that was from years ago Did you guys know that the that the the soup on set was spiked with PCP? Have you heard this story? Oh, no, no, this is insane him and James Cameron They're gonna go eat food and every day He had gone out for lunch because the catering wasn't his favorite and he was like, I'm just gonna go out for lunch I don't really want to and Cameron was like, I just I kind of want to get some of this chowder Like I just let's get chowder and we'll go talk and whatever he comes down. They both get chowder

They have some he goes back to his office bill goes back to his room He starts he gets knocked on the door and somebody's like, hey, are you feeling okay? And he's like, yeah, and he's like well a lot of people are not doing so well from the chowder And he was like, well, I mean, I think I'm fine. I've been drinking water, man I mean, we'll see he thinks oh man, the chowder went bad. I'm gonna have I'm gonna have the two ends. Mm-hmm. No a 150 people got dosed with PCP on the set of Titanic Oh my god, and he runs over to James Cameron and it's like how are you feeling and Cameron was like I think something's going on like I'm feeling it and he goes

He goes, I knew how to beat it. He goes. I'm I'm really high right now So he goes I'm just gonna go drink a case of beer and go to bed and that's what he did He went and bought a case of beer and shugged it until he got so drunk He fell asleep to beat the acid. Wow, but they but they do something They never caught the guy never found out who did it But he dosed the clam chowder and catering and 150 people on the set of Titanic had to go to the hospital Because have these people didn't know it was going on

PCP is one of those drugs where you run through walls and stuff too. No, no PCP is is It's acid. Yeah, it's like hard No, but you would hear us like that guy was on PCP and he ran through a wall. I mean, I Asked am I crazy different? It's different. Yeah, PCP gives you like super strength super strength people lift cars on it Oh, right, right. It's also known as dust. Yeah, angel dust. Sorry. That's right. My bad And they went you so but causes hallucinations, right? So yeah, you hallucinate like crazy Fena fena Clyde in fenoclonal for Piper dine. They could have scary. It's angel dust Yeah, disassociated of anesthetic mainly use recognition a significant mind-altering effect

So these people are all dosed out of their minds on PCP. Whoa, how do I would have been great? Yeah Imagine that Titanic if they should it's a film. Yeah, they lift the boat back out of the water Leo running Christ that I don't know why that made me that reminded me of it Oh, but going back thunder down under we I we are gonna go Let's take a trip to Vegas and we'll go to Thunder down under holy shit That would be so fun. We should do a bad friend show in Vegas in the fall No, I want I want to do it

We should do a bad friend show in Vegas in the fall would you go to Thunder down under in fact if we really have balls We should bring them on the stage for our show. Oh my god Maybe I'm giving away a secret that we don't want to have out to the world because maybe we would make that happen Maybe we do they like thunder down under do they like give lap dances? I think so, of course It would be like a few select women. We got one. Uh-huh. No, I'm not kidding. Hey. Hey. Yeah, I don't want No, they get super dirty they get dirty they'll dance right up They'll pull women on stage and they'll put their balls right in their face. Oh, yeah, like real balls. Have you seen Magic Mike? Yeah, what do you mean their balls? Oh, they don't have like a second set of balls. I would have like joke balls

You just have four balls. It's just too red take joke plastic balls. So you tuck your real ones and you have your yeah I don't want my real balls. I got out there. You know me. I want like beautiful Prosthetic balls. They keep them in their pants, but they're rubbing them. You've done this before I've seen all the Magic Mike movies. I know but is it like, you know some strip clouds If they'll they'll whisper like when they give me a lap dance like I don't think they do that, but I've never been I do it they're like for a little extra. I'll let you blow me. No, they like throw you in there and When you're watching trans porn not that I have go on

Not that I have but this is one I saw You gotta check them out. Yeah. Yeah. There's one that I check out beautiful. Yeah, I mean just stunning go on right and And she or they I don't know whatever. Yeah. Yeah, they are getting their penis Right and if I stroke a little bit watching it, what does that make me? Not that I did Not that I did but you're asking for permission. No, I'm not asking permission. I was just thinking it permission to launch I did it. It's fantasy. It's not real. It's not real. Yeah, but if you see a straight porn with a man fucking a woman

And you struck to that same thing same thing. You're gay. Look same saying you're gay. Oh, okay Will you so when have you watched porn masturbated porn? Not Disney films, but porn I've never seen it Mm-hmm, but I'm excited to watch porn. I've never seen it yet, but I'm but I am excited to start it I mean, I'm Andreas. Have you do watch porn to masturbate? What? You guys are just fucking fuck with of course I do. What do you mean? Of course he does What do you ever watch anything weird or like? Oh, I'm comfortable. I watch yeah, you know, I've talked about on the show

I think I've anime. I've saw I like anime. Okay. I told you what I really like or I used to like I don't watch anymore But I used to see I used to like Oh, man, what is the one it's a it's a it's an anime Under under under under where over watch over watch over watch It's like it's like it's like mutants with 40 dicks It's It's just fun because I'm sick of the old like oh, no, I'm stuck in the dryer It's like yeah, she's not stuck in the dryer, right? Do you do it as a woman?

Do you watch porn or do you use your imagination? I'll do both but I watch porn sometimes by yourself Yeah Yeah, it's weird to call it a machine What is it called? What's it called a vibrator? How many toys do you have one? One seems safe. Do you have toys? Yeah, what kind? Oh, yeah, I mean you name it. I got it. No, I'll be real No, be real do you have stalls calls? I got what do I have I've cock ring vibrating cock ring love those you have a vibrator talk a cock ring I've got to do really. Yeah. Yes. I do. It goes to the bottom or the just where the top

Imagine yeah, no it goes to the bottom it does it have a It's got a little it's got a little vibrator at the bottom. I understand I understand for her well, you can flip it look you can flip it up at the top So it touches her clit or you can put it down below so it tickles kind of her, you know the asshole But does it make your penis vibrate? It's on my dick But it's super fun, I love it vibrating cock rings one of my favorites Yeah, I mean they're so and they're silicone so they're not I don't have like a like I think I think in the Back in the day used to be like an actual hard ring. No, thanks. Give me the silicone ones

That's easy to slide on and off. I like 15 things. What do you know? You have pocket pussies, but not just I have the ones that you charge and dilithium crystal That's what you put it in he puts it in his ass wait a minute When you when you come you have to Yeah, wait, do you you plug it into the wall? Yeah, I charge them Wow, so in your wall sockets are

Chargers vibrator chargers no my vape chargers my my my my my pocket pussy and my switch go into one thing Yeah, so I have those in just like Nintendo intended Imagine the developed game developers at Nintendo. They have a switch that also has a pocket pussy charger on the side But I every year I get a new one because I want to know what the technology is like Well, yeah, and they get better and better, you know sure do don't so there's like, you know, you know They have you know buttons and stuff and what it does is there's vibration and also suction. Mm-hmm. You press a button and just Sucks it out Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, it pulls your penis in

Okay, I'll admit something what you want an admittance on this show. There we go I've never admitted this but I'll admit it to you guys One time we got sex toys for the show. We got like do you remember this fancy? What did we get? We got like we got sex toys. We got like a little but a little but a little like a button a pussy a silicone one Oh, and I was like, I'll throw these away Would you go your trunk get ready? Yeah, I used it at the studio here Oh, you did I did yeah late night late one night after whiskey ginger I was recording in the old studio. Yeah, and I recorded it your guess was still there

Yeah, Gato's is still there what you doing dog? After my guest left I wish I remember who it was but it was it was after the guest left I was in the in the room doing stuff on my computer and this was like an hour or two goes by Then I was like do I bid in that room? I know with your glass of whiskey one candle I was just on my computer and then I the box was on the floor and I was like You know, it's not gonna get you know, how weird this is I went to the bathroom where we used to we hit We kept baby wipes in the bathroom. Oh, and I just wiped even though it was fresh. It was never touched But I just George my hobby is that

What Eskimo brother Man, I knew it tasted weird Imagine me going down on a No, but but I but I took it out of that. I saw the box. It was looking right at me Almost like the whole time every time I would type like you know in the box was like So I did I tried it and honestly I Had to throw it away. Oh because it was gonna be a problem. It was too good

I imagine it's like when people do heroin and they're like, oh, no, I want to do this every day for the rest of my life You know, I want to buy one tonight. Good. Let's do it. I want to but no, I'm really I'm gonna go to the hustle I'm gonna buy a new one tonight. Let's go to the sex store together. Really? No inappropriate That's insane. Oh, so I want to also I forgot to mention. Um, I Feel like a creep Carlos or Jesse. Did you guys wrap me out? From the pool. No, no, I told you I can't believe we haven't talked about this on the show No, so let's talk about it. Everyone at home keeps asking did has anybody pooped on the bus?

Well, guess what? Somebody pooped on the bus and you wouldn't believe who it is. All right So I eat something driving on the bus, you know, and our drivers driving we're in the middle of nowhere I'm laying there and I have this ache in my stomach like a pinch Right, and I'm like, oh fuck that. I sit up and I'm cruel or it was so painful and I was gone for the record I was still in Denver, right? That's when you guys. Yeah, you were in Denver. I so I stayed in Denver and I did a um, an opening which is a fart When you invite it you invited someone over to the party the prey. Yeah, my butthole said freeloot, right? My butthole says hello. That's the floor. Hello, and the poop goes. We're here. We're here. Oh, wait

No, no, you guys can't come in yet. No, no. Yeah, we're here. We're here So I'm and then like I'm telling my butthole don't shut the fuck up, right? And all of a sudden they're at the door down there You know, you know reminded me of it. Remember when you know, all those people showed up at, you know bill bow back and Those dwarves just show up knock and then they're like eating in there. Yeah, every time this guy Right, they just one dwarf after another showing up you had to shit because we were I was gonna go Can you pull over but I looked at the window that we're in forest

Just forest and I go All right, I'm gonna get in trouble So I took a shit and it smelled immediately. You know our road matters was right. It just stunk up the fucking place Yes, because the septic tank is right below where you guys sleep. Yeah, it's not like the worst. I flush I baby wipe my butthole. I laid there and I laid there for like four hours like a fucking vampire And I was just with my eyes over going It's like the telltale heart here at the heart Yeah, all of a sudden the shit was just like we're down

You're not getting rid of us Bobby All of a sudden I I smell chlorine. Yeah, that's how I woke up. That's how I yeah I kind of goes up. I woke up in this chlorine and bleach. It's bleach Please yeah, and and and the bus driver or body body cleaned it like he's cleaning up a murder like a murder So I tell these three well he had to unload the tank. He has to he has to get rid of it somewhere He had to go to I feel so yeah septic drop because it has to come it can't stay in the tank I feel so bad. And so then I tell Carlos McCone and Jews. I go don't tell Andrew But I took a shit on the bus. Well, you know, it's privately you said don't tell anybody but you told that to

Yeah, this guy's the don't don't tell everybody Well, no because I want to be the fucking so here's who I'm Paul Revere. Yeah, I want to be Paul Revere I'm telling everyone. Let me tell you something. You took a midnight ride. Did I did it midnight, right? So and then now We're at the venue and you walk up to me Spokane. I show up. I fly in that Spokane and you and you go You took a shit on the bus in you. It's out of nowhere. Your face was amazing I was Livid that you you got regular white guy eyes. They went with the around eye. It's like when you saw that ghost Yeah, same thing. Yeah. Yeah, same thing. Yeah. Yeah, literally you got so scared and I go and I knew that you three had

A rat somebody had to ride me out. Uh-huh, right? And let's just get this out of the way now. That's fine. Okay And I'm gonna say this to as your boss guys. All right As your boss Honestly, dude, honestly. Yeah, no hard feelings. No resentment. It's just a story. It's in our past But you can now admit to me now with no retaliation Who who told Andrew? It was Carlos. What? Here's the deal. Yeah, did you really know?

You're reaction. No, holy fuck. You're fired What the fuck dude you never told you never fucking told me that you pooped on the bus you only told I didn't find out till the venue when Andrew pulled up to us. Sorry Carlos and you had an intuition. Here's the mystery My favorite thing in the world was knowing that You thought somebody ratted you out But the truth is the ultimate truth is nobody ratted you out when I stepped onto the bus and nobody was on the bus It was beyond squeaky clean and it was so clean that I thought

That's really fucking weird. Nobody. We don't have a cleaning crew to come clean the bus this week Why is the bus so clean and then I thought did Jesse clean the bus? No, wait, and then I went into the bathroom to take a piss and when I got in there it was almost as if the toilet See when I lifted up the lid it the lid spoke to me went Bobby talk I shit Because it's stunk like chlor it's stunk like bleach someone had bleached Or he said the dwarves showed up at the shire the shire And there was so much bleach in the air immediately I go

Bobby joker shit I knew right away, and I walked inside I looked you right in the face and I go take a shit on the bus and you went what no Who told you who told you you freaked out and I freaked the fuck out nobody told me buddy And so if I would have said what you're talking about it would have been I would have known I something was in my box something told me you pooped on the bus I felt it by the way Your bottle told me you know how scurls get on a cycle when they live together. Yeah, you and I are cycling right now I felt it inside something like Bobby pooped on the bus because we're cycling baby

So you didn't wrap me up Carlos. No, but he did retch you up for other stuff tons of other tons and tons and tons of other stuff And also I want to say this we love our bus driver. He's great. He's the best. He's also Sometimes at night I get scared. We're gonna die Oh, dude one night we that would do that that way it feels like we're flying We're going like 110 and I felt the bump so bad everything fell off of the shell. It was like we went off a fucking It was insane. I swear to God get up. I'm in the time in my underwear I'm in the hallway. It's like four in the morning and in the darkness you scared the shit Well, cuz you were turned around and I woke up like you did these guys stayed in their bunk. They're ready to die

Yeah, they're biggie smalls. They're all ready to die Yeah, I get out of my bunk and I go look at I go walk through the hallways You can't see me. I can tell and then when you turn around I go Bob and you go And then both of us were like what was that and then I walked up there to see cuz cuz I there's a curtain So I wanted to see if I saw you peek in there. Yeah, and I peeked in to see and he was sleeping, right? Well, I thought maybe he's dozing off, you know, but no not at all. Yeah, he was sleeping in the passenger seat He's a good deal. No, he was fine. It was just It was a little I felt like a little maybe he wasn't all the way awake because I heard a little

When we go to the side, yeah, and that's when the So if we die on the next leg, it's been great. It's been great and I have another question for you, please If I may I Had an incident the other day and I want you I want to ask the room Yeah, feel the room. I want to feel the room out to see who's in the wrong Okay, so I'm shooting this thing. I'm on your side. Thank you. Yeah, it's five in the morning All right, I don't know the makeup hair department But you mean you're not familiar with them at all. I don't know that I just met them right makeup woman a nice Asian lady and

she's doing My girlfriend in the in this movie is Chinese I'm just sitting there getting my hair done And I go, hey, what's your name? The actress tells me her name. I go where you from she goes I'm I'm from China. You know I was born there. I love China. You know, that's where tick-tock and COVID comes from Facts facts and then I just hear the room change Because you told her facts Yeah, like everyone and I look up. No, I look over and the Asian makeup artist and her they're just

Is the Asian makeup artist Chinese as well. Yes. Yeah, it's a yeah. No, she's not she's Korean. Oh, she's on your team. I There's no teams. Well, yeah, there are I know there should be yeah, I realize she's probably North Korean Right closer to China My point is this it changes then Mike the girl that plays my girl She leaves and I'm sitting there and then I get moved over to makeup and the makeup artist god, I can't fucking believe you said that Because I'm tired. She goes COVID you know, that's funny. Well, I mean and I go I was this early and you know, I just throw it's a joke Yeah, and she goes, you know, we've been attacked for that as

This is as a people What yeah They make a stink of it So does this get around to Bill? No, okay. No because I had to nip it in the butt It Yeah, careful, I had a nip it. Yeah, you had a nip it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There was a chink in my arm Wait a minute, right so you made a joke I make a joke a small joke and they did not appreciate Oh, no, it was gonna if there was HR they would have gone

Yeah, and you know for me, it's like how uncomfortable is the love scene then Did you have a love scene? Thank God, but I knew what to do I I turned to the Asian the makeup artist and I go, I'm so sorry. It's early. I threw out a joke I'm a comic. I don't know if you know that she's got no, but it's not funny. Yes, it is I know and then I thank you so fucking thank you so much for being on my side I would have left you're my fucking ally if you said tick tock and and COVID I'd have been like true I would have been on the other side of the makeup trailer. We're both now fired Oh, yeah, well, then we'll walk out together. Also, none of that is rude to be honest. It's a joke, but it's real

We wrong. Are we wrong here? What's going on? Maybe you go what next time go? Oh, I love China. That's where tick-tock From oh, you don't say COVID you go you leave it ambiguity and then they'll go. What do you mean by and you go, you know dog eating You'd be clever about it. Yeah, you just go that's where tick that's where tick tock and and Fauci's Fauci's family is from That's a little twist around then I had to go. I was on set now and I see the girl that plays my girlfriend. Yeah She's sitting there and she's like in a bad mood I could tell just because of this. I know right, right So then I leaned up against the wall. Okay Do you have the audition for this?

Yeah Yeah Meanwhile it's offer only for you which makes it worse. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm like, uh, hey, I just want to tell I was really sorry about that I was so early She's like just yeah, I mean, I'm just really sensitive about it, but I'm really yeah I'm okay, but I just think about it a chance, you know And I'm gonna go you fucking pant face I just want you know, thank you so much. Let's just have a good day. You know, man

Are we wrong here? I know but I think if people are that are people are sensitive to to jokes in a Entertainment environment then they should have to like alter their behavior. Oh, this is good. They should come in the room We go guys. I'm sensitive about COVID and tick-tock jokes. Yes. I'm letting you know. I'm Chinese. No Chinese jokes, please Yeah, put it on the table, but we live in a different world now. Yeah, but that's okay. Honestly. Yeah, okay Fancy you're well. No, you're bad to ask because you're on that. You're on our team Carlos be a mediator here Be the Zen Buddhist. All right. Where is COVID from? Wuhan Wuhan's where? It's in a lab in China. Okay. It's in China. Yeah, Carlos

It's in a lab in China. No, no, I mean literal Yeah, Carlos, where's tick-tock from China? Okay, so two for two Yeah, both of those things were true and neither of them are like mean It's a fact that a thing happened there and that's what happened Maybe if I put a positive one in there first, I went that's where tick-tock y'all mean and Yeah, maybe you needed the rule of three That was the problem. Yeah, that's really that is actually true. It would have been a better joke You've been a joe. Yeah, y'all mean and COVID try to get next year with the three

Yeah, honestly, if you see her again in the makeup chair, I would do the exact same thing again You just have to do what they do with all movies now They have a disclaimer. So like oh these movies racist, but we're showing it anyway. Yeah, or whatever, you know Yeah, you should just wear a shirt rental advisory That's like fancy he's saying this to justify his next movie by the way, it's called the n-word and they say Eight thousand and it's so funny because it's like, oh, who you gonna go to bill Burr? I know you're all up. Yeah, excuse me I know you're directing movie, but excuse me. Do you know what Bobby said? What he said? Um, what do you say he's people from you know, they're the non-particle talk in

Yeah, I fucking hear no lies Yeah, rolling. Yeah, I mean that's do we know no repercussions. Yeah, no, yeah, but you made up with her look I'm sure she's a sweet girl. She took it the wrong way and and honestly, she knows that you're a lovable guy You didn't mean anything by it. You move we move on life is so there's so much awful shit This is nothing on the blip of chaos. Thank you. It's nothing. It's a nothing burger. That's what love you, dude You should get a USB though and give it to her with the pandemic on it Well, she definitely has a computer I mean they make them there, okay Okay, but what also realize there's just two different kinds of Asians ones that have fun and ones that don't yeah

Every group has that. That's true. Yeah. Well, look, there's uptight whites and there's whites that get it Yeah, you're either an uptight white or you're white that gets it There's uptight whites all the time that are just huffity puffity for no reason and you're like come on man What is it? You know, we're joke. We're joking because when we do meet and greets. We see the kind of Asians that come They're the wild kind. Well, let me tell you our meet and greets We have had an eclectic group eclectic and when you see the Asians that pass through that door. Yeah, say hi to you Yeah, they love

Those jokes they do they are ready to laugh. Yeah, they don't take themselves serious and I've said this before Shout out to my Mexican fans. I fucking love our Mexicans fan Everyone that came out in Phoenix all those Mexicans because every time I'm around a fucking a Latin crowd They know how to take a joke. Yeah, they don't give a fuck. They don't take anything. That's serious They have the most fun. Nothing is that big of a deal and they like to laugh. I even said it I was like, I know you guys are in here. I can smell you. They they loved it Yeah, I just want to say our fans in general the best are the best. Have you had have you had a good reception? Yeah, except for that one guy that threw a shoe at you

One guy George Buster She didn't get hit but she too. She died. No, we've had such a good fucking reception from the fans and it's been It's been when people ask me we come home people ask. Hey, what's been going on? How's the tour? I Fitz was on the phone with Fitz Emons Hmm, and he goes it looks fucking amazing buddy, and I was like, it's honestly I can't even I don't have like one thing to say usually you come off the road when you're solo and someone's like I was wherever and you're like it was good, but there was you know You know Saturday night late show is not you know, whatever and there's always like a thing or two that you're like I don't know man. It just I wasn't hitting on this night. It didn't feel good. My hour was a little weak here

This has been a dream come true and of in a not trying to be lame, but it was it's been fucking amazing I hope we keep doing it. We were for a long time That being said We are gonna cancel the rest of the tour Yeah, I do want to make one more comment before we depart I Did notice your haircut last night in the parking lot and I told you I said someone got a new haircut, and I like it but it's but I was getting used to the old you. Yeah, I

Know I've gone through so much change, but I like it, but I feel like you're growing too fast I know I can't stop it. I don't want to change either But if you start showing up really dramatically Like if she starts doing that thing that people do when they start getting a couple of bucks and the thing and she starts Change if you show up with veneers in a couple of weeks. I want one J No, one J on my canine. No, no, you can have it. You can have that but if you get a full mouth of veneers I'm gonna be bummed. All right. I so would also want to say is that I know a lot of headlines that bring one person on But that that person the opener changes and they cut them off. Will you guys tell me if I start changing?

You're already I do it what Bobby does what What you got a haircut I Got a hair. She does follow you. You do follow me. That's weird. I'm a little baby I love you. You're like a dog. You're like a dog. Yeah, yeah, we got to pet you all the time. We always have to clean What was happening that one day where you went I feel really uncomfortable right now I don't know. I could have any of nobody we were sitting. It was with McCone We were working on jokes or bits for the thing and I was acting crazy. Do you remember? Oh?

I was not uncomfortable. I just checked out mentally because you were getting really bossy Oh, you're being a meanie weenie I regret already saying If you're gonna go this far you might as well cross the bridge you're on it well cuz we were working you and me and McCone We were working on all these segments and we're putting we went to good will we put them put in an hour We're been an hour right when we were in Bobby slides the door open in his underwear hair wild And he's like write me some bits. What do you got? And then we read him one. He's like not funny. I hate it

Another one another one and then I just started doing That was very funny. He showed up his underwear half off of his body You're you're naked your wieners out the side of your underwear. That wasn't it was insane. It wasn't showing put it out No, and then you know part out and you go and you go. Yeah, where's my bitch? Yeah, where is my bitch? That's insane. Why are you so defensive about this? You think that I don't do that. You did do this. I know I did that And that's specific moment, but it's not a general thing that I do that bothered you

No, it was one day ever see me do that before. No, that's why I started doing origami because I was like, I'm not but wait Did this bother you? I didn't know that was bothering it. No, cuz you said no you looked I've never seen your face like that before Yeah, I mentally checked out. Yeah. Wow. No, you go. I feel really uncomfortable right now because I was yelling at you Oh, I'm a cone deserves to be yelled at. What was I yelling at you for? He's doing he's always doing some dumb shit when he ordered that Bud Light and a Shirley Temple this guy And a Shirley Temple same dinner same dinner. What was that in Montana or so, right? Yeah. Yeah, such a weird guy I'm too. It wasn't like one after the other was both lunatic lunatic and real quick. I want to say a couple more things before we go Show your bracelet. You didn't even mention the bracelet. I know I wanted to bring this

We'll go ahead and say it. So Peter shore who owns the comedy store came to Portland. He lives in Portland He saw a show with his wife there and he gave me this bracelet and it used to be Mitzi shore It's pretty cool. And he gave us Mitzi scarves. We have two of Mitzi's old scarves. Yeah, it feels so cool And also I do want to give a shout out this guy made us these custom shoes amazing Yeah, those are and he re he takes he takes shoes and he can reconfigure them to do and say whatever like the you know The swooshes backwards. These are to bad friends colors bad friends on the tongue and on the inside He also because of my Netflix special cheeseburger He put a little cheeseburger where the Air Jordan is Bobby and I both have a pair and when I say, thank you so much to this guy

It's I want to say it ready shoe generous. Mm-hmm shoe generous. Mm-hmm. That's that's who did it nice guy Korean dude Korean dude. This guy was the fucking man. Yeah custom shit We want to thank him for that because that was huge and we want to thank all the fans for coming out We appreciate you guys check out us in Florida. We're coming to Florida. Yeah, we're doing a whole run We're gonna be down in Florida. We're doing st. Petersburg. We're doing Hollywood. We're doing Wait, st. Petersburg Jacksonville. Is that right? Yeah, Orlando Orlando st. Petersburg Jacksonville st. Petersburg Hollywood, Florida and Orlando then we come back here We do two shows in Riverside and one in San Diego before we head back to the east coast and do

Jersey New York Baltimore Philly in Toronto. Wow guys. We cannot wait to see you guys and so you know what? Thank you for being a bad friend